Edinburgh... in Scotland Pramface

This programme contains some strong language

-What if she's weirded out about sleeping with a 16-year-old.

-She liked me.

I'm a rapist! I'm a pregnant rapist.

-She never wants to see me again.

-Yes! Jackpot.

-I didn't think I'd be the one having the abortion.

-And what do you want to do?

It's not just you this affects. I don't want to go to uni without my drinking buddy.

I don't know what I want to do! I don't know what I want to do! That's my decision, I don't know.

Come on, son. We all make mistakes.

It's not exactly like you were planned either.

OK, if she her wants space, I'll give her space.

Absolutely, just move on.

If she wants to call, she's got my number.

Although, if she's lost my number, she couldn't tell me.

It's good you're not obsessing over this.

Maybe I should, you know, go and see her.

Yes, perhaps from behind a tree, very much as a stalker might.

I just don't understand why she wouldn't call.

Well, because she's got what she wanted.

Now she's cutting you off like some feminist, cannibal spider.

They take your sperm, eat your legs and then disappear down a hole.

That's not what spiders do.

Or, feminists.

OK...

What you need is a proper mad night out, take your mind off her.

-Let's go out tonight for my birthday.

-I can't.

-I'm borrowing my uncle's car so I can practise my three...

-Let's go out tonight.

But your birthday's not for a fortnight.

I might not be available then and, anyway, he needs help now. Look at him, he's pathetic.

-I suppose.

-Jamie?

-Yeah, all right.

-OK, great, it's a date.

I mean, that's the date, the date we're going on tonight.

What?

I'm pretty much packed.

You can wish me good luck if you want.

Or not, whichever.

I just thought you might have given it some thought

-and made a decision before you went to university.

-Decided on what?

Oh, the pregnancy thing. Do you know, it had completely slipped my mind.

-It isn't going to work.

-What isn't going to work?

-Any of it.

Being a mother isn't all yummy mummy coffee mornings

and trips to Baby Gap.

You're going to be bored, tired and alone.

I had an awful time.

-Well, I'm sorry I was such a disappointment to you.

-I don't mean you, darling.

-I just don't think you realise how hard it's going to be.

-I'll cope.

Really? Think about what you're going to have to give up. Probably university, definitely a career.

That's rubbish. Lots of women have a career and a child.

No, darling, lots of women have a career and a nanny.

Laura, I'm sorry, it isn't fair.

People say you can have it all, but you can't. Not really.

I need you to know you don't have to do this.

You have so much going for you.

It's terrible having to live with someone you resent for holding you back.

Do you resent me?

No, darling, don't be silly. I resent your father.

Maybe Beth was right, maybe this isn't such a good idea.

Just relax.

Beth doesn't understand,

we're just two friends sat discretely in a car

near someone we want to watch...

..but not necessarily talk to.

Put these on.

I'm not wearing sunglasses!

She's packing a lot of stuff.

Mmm... I think she's planning to leave the country.

She's going to uni.

Bye...

Bloody hell, she's going to university and hasn't even bothered to tell me!

Shit, get down.

-Mike! Get off.

-Shhh. Quiet.

-It's all clear. That was close.

-Don't do that!

Oh, you've got...

sugar on your face.

No!

It's from the doughnuts. I dropped it on my crotch.

Yeah! I saw.

I can't believe she's just gone.

-So, shall we follow her?

-I don't know.

Clock's ticking.

OK, but I just want to talk to her. It's not stalking.

-So... are we?

-Yeah, come on.

Oh, we can only go on the A-roads

because I've not had my motorway lessons yet.

Seatbelt.

ENGINE REVS

-What are you doing?

-I'm finding the biting point.

It's an automatic!

It's coming.

It's coming.

ENGINE REVS LOUDER

-Hiya!

-Hello! All right, mate!

Wow, you have brought so much crap. Where's the cot?

-Piss off.

-Have you thought about it though? Is it going to be...

Or...?

I do like kids.

I like cocker spaniels, doesn't mean I want to push one round in a pram.

-I think I'm mainly just sick of talking about it, Dan.

-OK, fine by me.

Let's just get you unpacked and then we can go talent spotting.

Hi, Michelle, right?

-Danielle.

-Danielle, how could I forget!

-So who's this?

-This is my mate, Laura. Laura this is Glynn.

Hi. Welcome.

Faculty drinks later, we're going to the Pear Tree.

-Laura, you come too?

-Yeah, thank you.

Oh, she's not psychology, she's law.

So? Come along, we'll get an anthropologist to translate.

LAUGHS

I'll see you later.

Well, I see you move quickly.

Oh, shut up. He's just one of the PhD supervisors from my course.

He seems to be supervising you quite closely.

Come on. It's so exciting!

Excuse me? Hi... Sorry.

I don't suppose you know my sister.

Do you know someone called Laura Derbyshire, it's my sister?

I'm looking for a Laura Derbyshire.

I'm sorry, I don't know her.

-No sorry.

-OK.

She's my sister.

I'm actually trying to track down my cousin cos she's at uni here.

I'm doing physics here myself, in the physics...

..place, you know, the physics room?

OK.

Oh, are you Laura's little brother? How sweet.

Well, funny you should ask that,

because I don't actually know her surname

and you think I would, wouldn't you, because she's my cousin?

But we're not a very close family.

She's probably gone to the Pear Tree. The pub.

Everyone ends up there, eventually.

Oh, OK, thanks.

Mike, come on?

So, I don't suppose I could get your number?

No? OK, fair enough.

You wonder how some of this lot got into uni. Thick, the lot of them.

STUDENTS CONVERSING

That's her.

Laura!

Jamie! What the hell are you doing here?

Are you stalking me?

No! I just want to know what's going on.

I'm getting on with my life. I don't want you here ruining it.

-Well, who's the guy? Is he your boyfriend?

-No, he's not...

Oh, this has nothing to do with you.

Does he know that you're pregnant?

Jamie, you have no right to be here!

-I just want to know what's happening with US.

-Nothing is happening with US!

When I've decided what I'm doing, I'll let you know.

In the meantime, Jamie, leave me alone,

-ID son?

-I'm with her.

-No, he's not. And he's 14.

-She's lying, he's 16!

-18!

-18.

-I'm 18.

-No.

JAMIE SIGHS

-Are we going?

-Yep.

Laura! Do you want a drink?

Yeah, vodka.

What?

Vodka? You're having vodka with?

No, I'm having vodka with tonic.

Are you OK?

Yeah, I'm fine. I'll tell you later.

So, here's to freshers' week, and freshers.

LAURA GULPS

Oh!

COUGHING

Laura?

-Is it morning sickness?

-Yeah.

God, it normally costs me about 40 quid to get to this point.

At least, you're saving money. Are you sure you're OK?

Yeah, please don't tell Glynn.

I've got to tell him something.

Make something up, I'll be out in a minute.

SHE WRETCHES

Oh...

-Laura, are you OK?

-Yeah, I'm fine. Why?

I am so sorry for making you come here. I didn't realise.

Realise what?

About your...

relationship with alcohol.

Danielle was just filling me in.

Oh, yeah. Cheers, Danielle.

I find it a really interesting subject area.

I'd love to talk to you about your experiences.

Yeah. Why not?

We should. After all, I'm a massive alcoholic.

I think we should get you out of this environment.

I think she'll be fine.

No, it's OK, Danielle, you can stay. Glynn can walk me home.

OK, great!

I've have some interesting literature

on addictive personalities back at mine.

Really, that sounds fascinating.

OK, cool. So, Danielle, I'll see you later.

Enjoy your reading.

She's unbelievable. I'm so pissed off at her right now.

-Do you want to cry on me?

-No!

No, no. Course not.

Do you fancy being pissed off in the UK instead of Scotland?

-Scotland is in the United Kingdom.

-Is it?

-Yes.

Oh, didn't know that.

So, what are we over-nighting it here or...?

I'm not going until I've talked to her properly. She's just so...

She's just... she's just...

OK, you keep going with that. I'm just going to get some food.

MOBILE RINGS

Shit!

-Hiya, Beth.

-Where the hell are you?

Oh God, yeah. I'm not feeling too great.

I don't think I'll be able to make it.

You're out, I can hear people.

I, er...

I needed some...

'Where the hell are you?'

Edinburgh.

-You're in Edinburgh the city of Edinburgh?

-Yes.

-In Scotland?

-Yes, I came to see Laura.

You are such a weak, pathetic man.

I'm in a fucking sushi restaurant.

I've been here for the past 40 minutes keeping our table.

I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you.

Everybody's looking at me because I'm screaming.

-Could you maybe stop screaming?

-No, I can't stop screaming!

It's my birthday and you've stood me up!

DINERS: Aw...

Oh, shut up!

-It's not actually your birthday.

-It doesn't matter.

This is a line Jamie, and you have crossed it.

Hold on.

Dinner. Who's that?

-It's Beth, I'm on hold.

-Oh, right.

And with no consideration to sustainability or marine welfare.

You should be ashamed of yourselves. Your whole operation is a disgrace.

In fact, why don't you just burn a big pile of tyres,

chuck a couple of dolphins on top, and call it the chef's special!

Don't worry, I'm leaving. I don't even like fish!

Didn't you get anything else apart from shortbread?

OWL HOOTS

It's for my mum.

I meant to eat.

Nah, I ran out of money. This was, like, seven quid.

It's totally worth it though.

-Glynn.

-Ah-ha.

Let's not...

MIKE SNORES

Mike?

JAMIE SIGHS

-Glynn.

-Uh.

-Glynn!

-Uh-huh?

Oh!

Mike.

Shhhh, it's going to be so beautiful.

Mike!

Oh, it's just the gear stick.

Oh, thank God for that.

Are you OK?

Yeah.

-Sorry, I'm just still getting over my last relationship.

-Right.

-It's complex.

-OK.

-So, can I come back up there?

-No.

Right.

BIKE BELL RINGS

Hiya.

Catch you later.

-Hiya.

-Have a good night?

Urgh, no Glynn's a creep.

Hmmm, well, you did throw yourself at him.

Yeah, well...

I'm sure he just misread the signs. He seemed like a nice guy.

-Oh God, did you like him?

-God, no!

Because we're not like... I mean, feel free...

-To what? Pick up your cast-offs?

-No, Dan, I'm just saying.

Look, I have no interest in him.

OK. Sorry.

-I'm so messed up.

-Yeah.

I don't think I'm coping very well with all this.

I just don't know what to do.

Right, well, you can have an abortion or have a baby.

Either way, just make your bloody mind up and stop ruining everyone else's life.

OK. I...

was just saying.

I've just got to go in there and confront her.

It's the only way I'm going to get her to listen.

Makes sense.

Yeah? I'm not just being mad, am I?

Look, if it gives you confidence, it's exactly what I'd do.

OK. Thanks.

How big do you reckon the real one is?

-The law has been the cornerstone of our civilisation...

-DOOR OPENS

..for the last 500 years.

DOOR SLAMS

Sorry.

It encompasses government, thought, economics,

all our social interactions, from the largest institutions

to the ethics of our personal relationships

I have a question in this area.

Well, it's not customary to take questions during a lecture.

My question's not for you, it's for one of your students.

I don't think you're really grasping the format here.

I was wondering if she thought it was ethical

to refuse to speak to someone or acknowledge their existence

-when she's carrying their unborn child?

-Jamie, for God's sake!

Come on, Laura. I'm sure we'd all like to hear your opinion.

-STUDENTS:

-Hear, hear.

Well, I suppose I would have to answer your question with another question.

And that question would be,

why can't you just fucking leave me alone(?)!

STUDENTS GASP

OK, OK, so moving on.

The earliest institutions were influenced by Roman law...

'It was humiliating.'

I know, I'm sorry.

What was I supposed to do?

Sit there gulping down fish like a lonely whale shark?

It's just been such a disaster.

Stop obsessing about her. It's pathetic.

You're right. I can't just let her keep making me feel like this.

'You're damn right.'

So, stop thinking about her

and start thinking about where you're going to take me

to apologise for standing me up.

-OK.

-And not pizza. Try harder!

# Do what you did yesterday

# Go on repeating

# Because my heart is only on fire... #

She seemed weird.

-Hi, Laura

-Hi... Listen about the other night.

I think I understand.

When you said it was complex,

I don't think I realised just how complex you meant.

So, Kelly told you about the lecture?

I don't want to judge how you

and your brother chose to live your life...

-My brother? No. I don't have a brother.

-Right.

I realise that you and Jamie, is it, you have to keep that discrete.

-Jamie's not... What?

-The alcoholism makes perfect sense.

Bloody hell, who wouldn't drink, right?

-No, no. Glynn...

-You don't have to justify anything. I'd love to do a paper on incest.

-It's such an intriguing relationship dynamic.

-Jamie's not my brother!

Look, if you ever want to talk about it, I'd love you to call me,

in a strictly professional context, of course,

because it's all a little bit complex, isn't it?

Anyway good luck with it all.

OK...

'When you think it through, termination makes perfect sense.

'Mum's right, having it basically means putting any thought of a career on hold.'

Laura? Come on, let's get you ready.

'My social life will go right out of the window,

'my studies'll be massively compromised.'

Plus, it's not like I'm with the father.

He's way too young to be able to cope.

It wouldn't be fair to expect him to take the pressure.

It's not fair on my friends or my family or myself.

Everything they say makes sense,

there's no reason to keep it.

OK, hold still for me.

-Hiya.

-You all right?

Oh!

Are you wearing heels?

A little bit. So where are we going, then?

Bowling, that's what you came up with?

It wasn't my idea.

We're in!

You're actually taking me bowling? With Mike(?)

He's taking you disco bowling with Mike.

What? Who doesn't like a little bit of disco bowling? Come on.

# Tell me, baby, are you wet

# Just tell me if you're getting wet

# I just wanna get you wet

# I just wanna get you wet

# Tell me, baby, are you wet

# Just tell me if you're getting wet

# I just wanna get you wet

# I just wanna get you wet

# Tell me, baby, are you wet

# I've been staring at you all night

# Tell me if you want me, baby that's right

# Let me take you down town

# Let me swear, do beware

# I've been staring at you all night

# Tell me if you want me, baby that's right

# Let me take you down town

# Let me swear, do beware, Oh, I...

# My lean is obvious

# And I just take you all around

# Now you listen, tell me what is going down

# Like I'm late from my first class

# So I can give it to you rough like a first draft

# Would you like a paper plane?

# You know I've got paper, babe

# Them dollar bills

# Girl, I'll make it rain, Holiday Inn

# Come and meet me on my eighth floor

# Feels good but I feel bad for them next door

# And I, I, I apologise

# When I slip, slip, slip

# Like two girls into slip 'n' slide

# Tell me, baby, are you wet?

# Tell me if you're getting wet

# I just want to get you wet

# Tell me, baby, are you wet?

# Just tell me if you're getting wet

# I just wanna get you wet

# I just wanna get you wet

# Tell me, baby, are you wet?

# I've been staring at you all night

# Tell me if you want me baby... #

# It's the same old me

# You get bored and I get cold feet

# Get high, get wandering eyes

# Forget I've never had it so sweet... #

Is that necessary?

Not at your level, no. For me, it'll make all the difference.

MOBILE RINGS

# You want me to come over

# I got an excuse... #

I just not into this guys, I might shoot off.

What? We've still got three more games left.

-Stay, I don't want to drag you down.

-No, we'll all go.

Don't waste the lanes.

This is my treat, stay, enjoy.

Mike, I'll see you later, yeah?

Sorry, I can't break the routine.

# Look into your eyes imagine life without ya

# The love kick starts again... #

Argh!

# Kinda shocked because I never really had any doubts

# Look into your eyes... #

And, there were two.

'It's not like I'm with the father.

'He's way too young to cope.'

It wouldn't be fair to expect him to take the pressure.

Everything they say makes sense.

There's no reason to keep it.

I just can't do it.

I can't get rid of it and that's it.

I'm just going to have to manage, I mean, people manage, right?

Laura? What?

You said you wanted to be involved, so you're involved.

-Fucking hell!

-Language.

-Sorry.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd