Knocked up and Homeless Pramface

-The girl from last night? We did it.

-You are pregnant.

-He was 16.

-Little bastard.

You said you wanted to be involved. So, you're involved.

Why don't you chuck me out like you did with Dad when he shagged his secretary?

How bloody dare you!

Ah!

God, Alan. Does that not hurt?

Of course it hurts!

-Why don't you come and stay at ours this evening?

-Ah!

I can't be around this now. It's bad for me, it's bad for the baby.

I really think you're overreacting, Laura.

Someone take this, please.

You'll be OK in here?

Fine.

This programme contains some strong language.

No. No.

(Jamie.)

(Jamie.)

Jamie. Wake up, you lazy sod.

Don't disturb him.

He's in my seat.

That's where I have my tea and the paper. It's my routine.

-Use the beanbag.

-I hate the beanbag. I can't get leverage on my toast.

-It's comfy.

-Why can't he sleep on it, then?

Cos he's your son, he's not a bloody cat.

How long's Bride of Frankenstein going to be here, anyway?

I don't know. A couple more days, a week.

San, she's been here eight weeks already.

It's not that bad. And her obsessive cleaning's a real timesaver for me.

I don't care. We've got to say something.

All right, but leave it to me.

And switch on the immersion heater. Laura's having a shower.

Oh, God. Sorry, son.

Oh, well, you're up now.

-I may have a couple more minutes.

-Whoa, no, come on.

Go and get that jam off your face.

And hurry up, you don't want to be late for work.

-Oh, God, work.

-Yeah.

Stick the immersion on, there's a good lad.

Ah!

Oh, God! I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Jesus, Jamie!

Look, I promise I didn't see anything.

I mean, obviously, I saw something,

but it isn't like I've not seen it before, albeit just the once, but...

-I'm sorry.

-Huh!

There is a lock.

Little, brass thing on the door.

Aaah.

Oh, Keith. Oh, you're really spoiling me.

Oh, that's so thoughtful.

Yeah, no problem, love.

Everybody's just being so nice to me.

It's just really...nice.

Hey, don't be like that.

Hey, it's all right. Don't...

Oh, God, what is wrong with me? It's only a piece of toast.

It's just the hormones, love. You'll be all right.

So stupid. Look at me crying.

-HE MOUTHS

-Say something.

Laura, love, you've been here for a while

and we were just wondering about your plans?

-My plans?

-You know, like, say,

where were you planning to be for, say, Christmas?

Oh! Sandra, that is so nice. I would love to spend it here.

I was getting really worried that I was overstaying my welcome.

-OK.

-That is so kind of you.

I have to say, I wasn't expecting to see you two again.

Well, I think the fact that we're seeing you again

reflects how committed we are to making this work.

Thank you, Alan. I take that as a compliment.

Mmmm.

Let's get started, shall we?

I want you to see your relationship as a continuum.

So, we start here, where you met and you fell in love

and you're both happy.

Then, there's all this other stuff in the middle,

children, careers, mortgages.

-Affairs.

-Affairs, thank you, Janet.

Remember what we said about blame.

OK, and then, lately, there's these Laura issues.

And then, we're here, where we are now,

where nobody's happy and Alan has a carving fork in his foot.

You need to find that thing that you lost along the way.

You need to rediscover the spark.

So, you think this spark is under the squiggle?

Precisely.

Yeah, er, sorry, what is your advice, exactly?

Go on a date.

In fact, go on several dates. Allow yourselves to be romantic.

You really think dinner and a movie is going to fix this?

It's the ceremony of courtship that matters.

Don't underestimate the power of concentrating your attention

exclusively on one person, instead of spreading it around.

And well done for not biting on that, Janet.

I feel amazing.

It's not until you experience pregnancy that you understand

how it can be. I just, oh, I feel beautiful.

-Really?

-Yeah. And people pick up on it.

I just feel like, like I have this warm glow all around me.

-Uh-huh.

-Awww. Aww.

Oh, yeah, adorable.

So, aren't Jamie's lot sick of having you there?

No, they love having me. And it's so nice to be in a place

where you actually feel wanted.

You can't stay in a teenage boy's bedroom forever.

I know, but, Dan, I'm happy. And I just...

..I feel like it's all going to work out.

Oh, now, come with, come help me try on maternity jeans.

-Yeah, I can't do that.

-Oh, have you got to be somewhere?

No, I just can't do that. I'm going to give you these.

-Oh.

-And then I'm going to...

Oh, OK. But, so, I'll call you in the week?

-Yeah, definitely.

-OK.

-Bye.

-Bye.

-She's like a parasite.

-Yeah.

-We haven't been to his in ages.

She has to accept he's got other friends. I miss him, Beth.

And I miss Xbox Thursdays.

You do realise you're the only one who calls it that?

-What do you call it?

-Thursday.

Hey, Beth, Beth.

-Oh, my God.

-Look, look. Who's this? Ready?

Urrrrgh.

It's coming.

Is that how you were born? Head-first over a hard surface.

-Jamie.

-Jamie, think fast.

Doesn't bode well, does it?

I'm not expecting someone to throw the kid at me.

-It depends on the birth, doesn't it?

-What are you doing here?

-We want to know why you've been avoiding us.

-I'm not.

Oh, great, so you won't mind if we come to yours tonight, then?

It's a bit awkward with Laura there. It's a bit crowded round ours.

See, that's what I'm talking about.

Jamie, you can't spend the rest of your life worrying about some pregnant woman.

I think there's a time limit on it. And it's, sort of, my responsibility.

Yeah, it kind of sounds like she made you her bitch.

I'm not her bitch.

Oh, Jamie. Take these.

And that one, it's heavy. OK, take that.

Oh. Mike, Beth, this is Laura.

Never would have guessed.

-This is Beth and Mike.

-Hi.

Have we met?

Not exactly. Although I did see you at the party when...

So, I should just get on.

Cos I've got 300 velociraptors to stack.

Yeah, I'm not going to stop.

Jamie, could you take these, please, and pay for them as well.

I get a staff discount.

Oh, how convenient for you.

So, Laura, we were thinking of coming over to Jamie's tonight.

You wouldn't mind, would you?

Oh, yeah, yeah, no, that's fine. Be nice to get to know you.

-Cool.

-All right, see you later.

-Yeah.

-Bye.

-Bye.

-Bye.

You were saying something about not being her bitch?

Hmm?

-Buy you that tie.

-You were going to buy me a tie.

Idiot.

Hello.

Do you have a reservation?

Yes, Derbyshire.

Oh, we were expecting you earlier.

Yes, so were we. Our sat nav took us the wrong way.

I put in the address correctly.

Don't worry. Lots of people have trouble finding us.

The postcode is actually wrong on the website.

You see, Alan, the postcode's wrong on the website.

Did you end up on the industrial estate?

Yes.

Yes.

Honestly, the number of people we get in here saying that.

Right. And you don't think it might be a good idea to change it?

Absolutely. I'll make a note of it.

Right, you're on the all-inclusive package.

And I'm afraid you've just missed the last sitting for lunch.

-Yes, but we've paid for our lunch.

-Yes, but as you can see,

it does state here that the last sitting for lunch is at 2:15pm.

Yes, it also clearly states

that your address is a powder coating workshop.

As I say, that is not my department, but I will make a note of it.

Well, go on then.

-Go on then, what?

-Make a note of it.

Just a turn of phrase.

You're on the fourth floor, room 46.

Oh. Where have the Hobnobs gone?

They were out of date, I binned them.

Have you moved my tea?

I thought you'd finished, it was half empty.

It was half full.

Hiya.

-Hi. Ooh, did you get my magazines?

-Erm.

-There you go.

-Great.

Oh, I got my discount.

-Oh, good.

-Do you want to give me the cash now or...?

The cash for the things for our baby?

No, no.

I just thought maybe I could get the money for the jeans?

The maternity jeans.

Err, yeah.

The maternity jeans with the elasticated waistband that I need

because you got me pregnant and I have your baby growing inside of me.

They're the ones.

Says here, just over £60 with the discount.

Whenever's fine, really, just...

-Laura?

-Hmm?

-Did you wash the phone?

No. I don't think so.

You did the washing-up, though?

I think I would have remembered if I did that.

PHONE MAKES LIFELESS TONE

-I guess it could have been any one of us.

-Yeah, any one of us

who's been at home all afternoon washing the electrical items.

Keith, I thought maybe we'd go to the pub for dinner, just you and me,

get out of the house, give everyone a bit of space.

Yeah, that's a great idea. In fact, let's go early.

You two'll be all right for a bit of dinner?

-San, are you ready?

-Erm.

Get some pizza, OK?

-Cheers, Mum.

-Sandra, I'm going!

-All right, I'm coming.

-Are you done with that?

-Erm.

Yeah.

No, we asked for a double, not a twin.

Right, right, you're going to make a note of it.

Why does that not surprise me? Yes.

They can give us a double room if we move, but the view's not as good.

Wh...? Not as good as that?

Yes, I'm still here.

No.

Can you see how adjoining single rooms

might be a step in the wrong direction?

Things are going marvellously. I can feel us getting closer already!

No. No, no.

-Hiya, come in.

-Oh. Oh, it's good to see you.

-How's the dictator?

-She's not a dictator.

Jamie, could you ask them to take their shoes off.

I vacuumed earlier.

(If you could.)

So, how much do you weigh now, Laura?

Cos you look massive.

Oh. I don't know. I haven't weighed myself recently.

What do you think? 12 stone? 14?

Beth!

No, I'm saying it's good.

You're eating for two or three or however many it is.

Try it now, Jamie.

-No.

-Oh, dammit.

So, how was work, Jamie?

Usual, stacked shelves, got bitten by an eight-year-old.

-Now?

-No.

You must be coining it in with all those extra shifts, though.

I suppose they'll be going towards the baby, right?

-Well, there's a lot of things to buy.

-And it's not cheap.

It's just you working, isn't it? Not you, Laura. You don't work.

-Not at the moment.

-You basically do nothing, then?

No, Laura helps out around the house quite a lot.

Is that it?

So, you're, like, the breadwinner

while Laura's, sort of, a kept woman.

-Do you think you'll ever work, Laura?

-OK.

I'm going for pizza. Beth, you're coming with.

Oh. Yes.

Oh. Let's go. Hee-hee. Let's roll.

Come on, then.

What the hell is your problem?

All right, Jamie, I've tried to be discreet about it,

but my problem is, she's fucking up your life.

Right, well, firstly, you weren't that discreet.

And secondly, that thing she's fucking up,

-that is not my life any more.

-Look at you.

You're sleeping on a sofa, you hardly see your friends,

you're carrying her shopping like some pathetic, castrated butler.

-Is that what you want?

-Course that's not what I want.

So, stop falling into the trap, OK?

Otherwise she'll keep wheeling out this pregnancy thing,

every time she wants something.

Well, she's kind of got a point, hasn't she?

We're having a kid. Don't make me choose, OK?

And pick a pizza.

So, accelerate and brake.

-What do these ones do?

-You don't need to worry about them.

-Because I'm just a girl?

-Yes.

This might sound a little bit weird,

but could I just feel the baby kicking?

-Absolutely not.

-OK.

What if I was to just talk to it, you know?

Get it used to little Uncle Mike's voice.

Wow, that's actually creepier.

Listen, Laura, we're going to be in each other's lives from now on, so...

-Not necessarily.

-Yeah, cos, well, Jamie's got his friends

and you've got yours.

And the two groups need to bond, for the sake of the baby.

Now, if that means you have to fix me up with one of your friends,

-so be it.

-That's not happening.

I'll give you my number, just in case.

Anything I can do to give the kid a good start in life.

-I prefer redheads if it helps.

-I'm not going to take that.

-Well, it's a child welfare issue, really.

-No.

-Why not?

-Well, although I don't know you that well,

you basically seem to be a freak.

And I wouldn't inflict you on any of my friends or even acquaintances.

Right. Fair enough.

MIKE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Look, I know you're just looking out for me, OK,

but I actually want to do this.

I mean, she is my...

-She's your what?

-I don't know.

But do me a favour and go easy on her.

She's really vulnerable at the moment.

Your ass is mine now, gayboy!

No, no, no, nooo!

-Ahh, Mike, she's right on your tail.

-Bollocks to that,

I'm about to lap the bitch!

Eeeeh!

Yes, in your face!

Burn, you little freak. Burn!

It's not...

I didn't even want to play with you. It's not fair, man.

What? It's not fair cos you suck at this game?

No, you suck. You suck.

Why are you even here? We were fine before you muscled in.

-Mike.

-Muscled in? You think I want to be here playing computer games,

eating pizza with you losers?

-Don't call them losers!

-They're not winners, are they?

At least we're not knocked up and homeless.

Oh! You... Ah.

What's the matter? Are you OK?

Ah! Does it look like I'm OK?

Oh, God. Is it a contraction? It's not time.

-I know.

-Should I call an ambulance?

-I don't know. I haven't done this before.

-What's your natural instinct telling you?

-How should I know?

I'm not a bloody panda! Just call the ambulance!

Ow! Oh!

I need a charger.

Use the landline!

Ow.

Wh...? It's...

It wasn't me.

It's OK, I've got 999 on speed dial.

-Ow! Ooh.

-Menu, contacts.

-Ow.

-Business.

Why is this happening now? This shouldn't be happening.

Oh, I'm sorry, is it not a convenient time for you?

I'll ask it to stay up there till you're ready, shall I?

All right. All right. I'm sorry, OK. Don't panic. Don't panic!

-The ambulance is coming. Mike!

-I can't get reception.

-Well, just, just...

-Ow.

OK, keep breathing.

Yes. I've got two bars.

Yes, ambulance please.

They've gone again.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

OK. Don't worry, Jamie love, we'll be right there.

-It's Laura. We're going.

-OK, let's go.

Keith, come on!

So, what do you reckon?

Depressive banker and East European gold digger?

That looks like a second marriage.

Hope over experience and all that.

And to our right, the furious, impotent dentist

and the nurse he fell in love with.

And rinse, please.

What?

What's wrong?

-They're us.

-They're not us.

-They are.

This is the ceremony.

You come here, you argue in front of witnesses,

you finally realise you can't stand each other, you go home and get back in touch with your divorce lawyer.

What do you mean, back in touch?

-You saw a divorce lawyer?

-Yes.

-When?

-Oh, I don't know, early on.

You're not telling me you didn't consult someone, are you?

Never.

I mean, look, I'm a stupid, vain man,

I never didn't want to be married to you.

That's why I tried so hard to cover it up.

One of us supposed to throw wine now?

God, I don't want to be one of them.

Do you?

And I'm sorry you're leaving us early.

Yes, we really couldn't stay any longer.

Oh, well, I do hope you still enjoyed your stay.

I think it may have saved our marriage.

Right.

And yet, still no tip.

-OK, people, don't worry.

-Oh.

-I've googled giving birth,

I know what to do. Laura love,

-I'm just going to check how dilated you are.

-Ah!

-Ow! Ah, good.

Beth, do you want to have a look up there?

I am not looking up there.

Nobody's looking up there!

OK, OK, let's just all stop panicking for a moment and...

-Hello?

-Oh, thank God.

I'm going to hand this over to Mum.

-Good job.

-All right, calm down, love. Keith get her a drink of water.

-Are they getting closer together?

-I don't know.

-Are they getting stronger?

-I don't think so, no.

OK, then, I don't think you need to worry.

These are probably just Braxton Hicks.

They're practice contractions to get you in shape.

-I'm not having the baby.

-No, I don't think so,

but we'll keep an eye on them.

When was the last time you felt one?

-Just before I hit the geek.

-When was that, Mike?

-About a minute ago.

-OK, come on, love, it's all right.

-Come on. You're all right.

-Oh.

Oh, no.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hello, Janet.

Thanks so much for coming.

You know, you can't make me come home, Mum.

-Oh, we don't want you to.

-What?

Oh, well, of course, you CAN come home.

But we won't try to force you, darling, not if you don't want to.

Look, I think Sandra asked me over here today,

to talk you into coming home.

But if you're happy here,

I can completely understand if you want to stay.

Well, I was happy.

Well, that's good.

Look, if you want, I'll tell Sandra that I couldn't convince you. OK?

Anyone fancy a biscuit?

Oh, how lovely.

Hey. Sorry I missed your mum.

You all right?

No. I don't know what I'm doing.

Your mum doesn't want me here. My mum doesn't want me at home.

Hey, come on.

It'll be OK.

You must hate me too. I called you and your friends losers.

-It's fine, they're used to it.

-No, it's not.

And Beth's right, I'm homeless and I'm pregnant.

It's just...

..when I thought it was coming and I didn't know what would happen,

I got really scared.

Yeah, me too.

Pretty soon, it's actually going to be coming

and then, it's going to be here

and then, what the hell am I supposed to do?

Oh, God, I don't know. I really don't know.

You're meant to be reassuring me here.

-Could you try a bit harder, please?

-Oh, I'm sorry.

What I mean is, I don't know...

..but we'll work it out.

Whatever happens.

Laura love, did you bin my...?

-Oh, God!

-Dad!

Oh.

What's the matter?

I just saw Laura and Jamie, you know.

What?

SHE MOUTHS

No, no, just snogging.

-What did you do?

-Nothing. Just closed the door.

-Why? What should I do?

-Well, you can't just pretend it didn't happen.

-All right then, if you say so.

-No, Keith!

Jamie, now, I don't want to get heavy,

but you know what we've said about having girls in the roo...

Just ignore us. Would anyone like a cup of tea?

-No.

-Mum!

Sorry. Sorry.

Bye, Sandra, thank you.

Come back any time, love.

-Bye, Keith.

-Yeah. Miss you, love.

-Bye.

-Bye.

-Bye, love.

-Bye.

OK, so...

You know you don't have to go.

I think I do. I've probably been here long enough.

-Plus, with the kiss and everything.

-Yeah, absolutely.

-We wouldn't want things to get...

-Confusing?

Exactly.

-OK, I'm going to go.

-Yeah, good idea.

# We get up and we get down

# We're always running round this town

# And to think they said

# We'd never make anything better than this

# Cos we're always in small circles

# And everyone thinks we're trouble

# We didn't read it in a big book... #