Aaargh Pramface

The girl from last night? We did it!

You are pregnant.

-He was 16.

-Little bastard!

You said you wanted to be involved. So, you're involved.

Why don't you come and stay at ours this evening?

You'll be OK in here?

Fine.

Go on a date.

Allow yourselves to be romantic.

I think it may have saved our marriage.

Laura, did you bin my...?

-Oh, God!

-Dad!

You know you don't have to go?

I think I do.

This programme contains some strong language

and some scenes of a sexual nature.

'Here, let me get that for you.'

'Alan! Stop it!'

And hurry up, for goodness sake. Ha ha!

Are you all right, darling?

Yeah, I'm fine.

You look nice.

Do I?

Of course you do. You look amazing.

Why Mr Derbyshire, so kind! Are you trying to seduce me?!

Maybe I am!

Maybe you should keep on trying!

Maybe I will!

Maybe you should do this somewhere else.

We should probably be going.

Are you sure you'll be all right without us?

It's just a work do, we won't be late.

No, I want you to go.

I mean, I'll be fine.

Well, call us if you need us.

I won't need you.

We won't be late.

Ha ha!

Oh! Alan!

I know you're desperate, but you don't see how taking money

meant for a children's charity

and using it to pay for a prostitute is a problem?

Look, I'm not a monster.

Child poverty is a huge global problem.

But that sort of money, it's just a drop in the ocean.

If I was to spend that on poverty-stricken orphans, it wouldn't make a dent.

-Right.

-Whereas if I was to get a prostitute,

it'll make an enormous difference to my own personal wellbeing.

And you're actually going to run this thing?

God, no... No, what'd be the point?

I'll just hide out here, go home, complain about my hamstrings

and collect the cash.

Your lot are away, right?

Yeah, a couple of days at the Lakes.

Great. Sorted, then.

You know, you could always just give the money to charity

and wait to meet the right girl.

Yeah, because that's worked so well for you so far.

The sex part did.

No...

No, I'm through with waiting.

And besides, I've found the right girl.

See, for 300 quid, I can afford this high-end,

proper, female, woman prostitute.

Or, for the same price,

two very convincing transsexuals.

What do you think?

Wow, look at the rack on that guy!

Yeah, I know!

I definitely preferred it when they were cold and hostile to...

I don't know what you'd call it... Frisky?

Eew! I cannot imagine them frisky. Your mum, maybe -

she's got that whole high-strung, dressage pony thing going on.

I'm just glad they're out.

Hey, Laura, I'd love to chat,

but I've got this...big essay...

and I should probably go.

Oh, come on, Dan, I'm so bored here.

I'm sorry, I'm just snowed under.

Why don't you go and call your boyfriend, Jamie?

Oh, he's not really my boyfriend.

Oh, my God, I was not being serious.

You're not actually considering him as boyfriend material?!

No! Well... I don't know.

We had that kiss.

Oh, it's just all a bit unresolved.

Oh, yeah, that kiss, because that's the unresolved issue here(!)

But he's...nice.

I mean, that's a good start, isn't it?

Yeah, you're right. I mean, he's probably got a lot going for him.

He's probably got his 50 meters swimming badge, knot-tying,

-'fire lighting...'

-Shut up.

-..chess club...

-I'm hanging up.

..cycling proficiency.

It's amazing, isn't it,

just spending time in all this?

We could have just went to the coffee shop in the village.

Yes, it's not the same as being out here.

No, it was warmer, and they had cake.

Just watch your footing on this section, it's a bit uneven.

Oh, a bit uneven - it's getting exciting now(!)

I just think it helps put everything into perspective.

Oh, yeah, I find that being on a gradient,

miles from a loo really calms me down(!)

You know, because some things which might seem like a big deal,

when you think about them, they really aren't.

Trust me, no amount of scenery is going to take my mind off

being a granny at my age.

No, not just the baby. Other things too.

Have you got something you need to say to me, Keith?

Actually, yes.

Sandra...last week...

I quit.

You quit what?

My job.

I took redundancy.

What?

They're cost cutting. So they offered me a choice -

more hours for less money, or voluntary redundancy.

What were you thinking?!

OK, Sandra, listen...

What the bloody hell are we going to do without your wages coming in?

Christ! Are you some kind of simpleton?

-Oh! Aah!

-Keith?

-Keith!

-Aah! Aah!

-Oh, shit.

-Aah!

-Oh, Keith.

-Hiya.

-Hey.

-I was wondering

if you want to come and collect money for Mike's cause.

Not really. I'm surprised you're on board with that project.

Of course I am. I'm going to go cheer him on later.

What, at the prostitu...?

You're on about the race.

What are you on about?

Nothing. It's a great cause.

Mike's raising money for Indian street orphans.

Yeah, he absolutely is.

Do you want to come in for a cup of...

tea?

He's raising money for a prostitute.

Is he? My God, that's outrageous!

And you know about it.

Yes, I do.

So this picture he gave me of Little Dinesh?

Not real.

He's not a defiant little soul surviving on the streets of Mumbai

since he was two, fixing shoes to buy scraps of food?

No.

He's the son of the guy who owns Star Of India on the high street.

Beth? What are you going to do?

Something. And don't tip him off.

I wasn't going to.

Because I'll know.

OK.

MOBILE RINGS

Hello?

Hi.

Hey.

Hi...

Hello?

Hi, yeah.

Er... I was just wondering if...if you perhaps wanted to go out...

Yeah, yeah, I'd love to.

..to the shops.

Oh... OK.

'Oh, I mean... You know...'

You don't have to, if you're busy with Beth and Mike...

Oh, no, I think they've got something planned together.

OK, I just needed some stuff from the shops and I thought maybe...

maybe you could drive me?

Yeah, yeah, sounds good.

It's not a date.

No. No, it doesn't sound like one.

Just out.

Just out.

'OK, see you later, then.'

Hey, Beth.

So, ready for the big race?

Well, you do what you can.

And hey, thanks for your contributions.

Every little helps.

Yeah, you never actually said what the money will be spent on.

Well, so many...projects benefitting.

Name some.

I wouldn't really know where to start.

Try.

OK, well, there's the...

Mumbai irrigation project.

Right.

And what exactly would they be irrigating in the middle of a city?

I mean, it's not like they can grow crops there, is it?

No, it's to irrigate the...

children.

And why would they do that?

To...to keep them cool?

Cos it's really hot out there, so they spray them down each morning,

and that keeps their temperatures down...

Aaah!

I know about the whore.

OK.

Jamie told me.

OK.

This is a new low, even for you.

Look, Beth, if you're worrying about Little Dinesh, don't.

He's sharp, he's streetwise, he's a survivor...

He's the kid from the curry house!

Jamie told you that too, then?

Orphans are going to die because you want sex!

OK, please can you not shout that in a park?!

OK? And they're not going to die.

The majority will just continue to suffer.

-Fine(!)

-Good.

Let's see how your sponsors feel about this, shall we?

Your parents gave you £100, let's start with them.

No, no, no. OK, OK, what if I was to cut you in?

You can have whatever's in the bucket.

That money's going to charity, and you are running that race.

And you're going to wear this when you do it.

How on earth did you manage to get me pregnant?

-Do you think I should straighten up a bit?

-No.

-Oh!

-Are you OK?

Yeah, I'm fine. I wish everybody would stop asking me that.

I'm banning that question.

Where is the exit?

I could drive you over there if you'd like?

I'll walk. The shops will be closing soon.

And I think it's the minutiae that I find so fascinating.

Of course, in maritime law, there are huge legal implications

in distinguishing between flotsam and jetsam.

I mean, it's amazing what gets lost at sea.

Of course, the key is to chuck enough jetsam overboard

before you sink, and then everything becomes flotsam.

Oh, very funny, James.

Good for you.

James, can I tear my wife away from you for a moment?

If you must.

Can't have you boring her all afternoon!

No, James was hardly boring me at all.

Well...perhaps a little during the maritime law section,

but, many times, we strayed into interesting conversation.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I must go and grease the wheels of benevolence.

You grease away, James.

Having fun?

James says I should consider returning to practise.

Really? And would that be his practice, by any chance?

Oh, how did you guess?

He said he could smooth the way for me.

Well, lucky you.

But I think he's only interested in my excellent legal mind.

Naturally.

Talking of which, I think we should go somewhere a little more private

to discuss my credentials.

Mmm, very interesting.

Here, let me help with that.

Oh, thanks.

Just go, just go!

What is it? Do you want to stop holding hands?

Oh, it's coming!

Oh. Oh, OK.

Er, OK, calm down. Are you sure it's not indigestion?

Jamie, it's coming. You need to take me to hospital.

Ow! OK! I can do that!

-Ow...

-Agh!

Ow!

-LIFT:

-'Please mind the door.'

-OK, it's going to be fine.

Just one question, can you remember which floor we were on?

It was three, I think.

Three or six.

Oooohh!

I think my waters just broke.

Yeah, let's hope it's that.

-Thanks. Um...

-No, just...

Oh! It wasn't on this floor.

No, no, I think it was.

Oh! Aah!

Well, maybe if I use the thingy, it will do...

Ah!

Did you see any lights flash?

Come on, it's in here somewhere.

Jamie, seriously, it wasn't this floor.

Ooh!

Come on, come on!

Ooh... Ah...

No, it's fine. I've got enough now, thanks.

For God's sake, what's wrong with you, people?

Haven't you got notes?!

You can donate online, you know!

Oh, where are we?

I don't know.

Didn't we come this way?

I thought this was the way back to the main shops.

OK, that's it. I'm not moving anymore.

We can't have it here.

I'm not going to make it in time. This baby's coming now.

But what about the hospital?

You go if you want. I'm not moving anymore.

Oh!

Ooh! Aah!

Oh... Ah...

-Why now, Keith?

-I didn't plan it.

Oh, no kidding! Jesus, if it wasn't hard enough.

And there's a baby on the way!

People are depending on you, do you understand that?

Yes, but I just looked at Paul Morgan

offering me less for more, and I couldn't do it.

What was Paul Morgan doing, making you offers?

He's my supervisor now.

That lanky git got a promotion?

Yeah, three months ago.

Why didn't you tell me?

What would have been the point?

-Does this hurt?

-Ow, yeah. Yes. And yes!

I think it's broken.

We're going to have to call the mountain rescue people.

No! I don't want them coming out here,

thinking I'm some knob who doesn't know what he's doing.

Oh, OK. We'll just stay here, then,

for a few weeks on this mountain until it heals,

and I'll build us a lean-to and befriend some of the sheep(!)

Just give me a minute!

Ooh...

Yes, ambulance, it's my girlfriend...

Well, no, she's not my girlfriend, she's my friend, but...

Jamie, for God's sake!

OK, look, she's giving birth, OK? A woman is giving birth...

Aaaah!

Yep, that was her...

I don't know how far advanced!

Oooeeeewww!

Oh! Something is definitely going on down there.

Oooeeeewww!

You're just going to have to go and ask for your job back.

I can't, I can't do that.

-Yes, you can. You'll just have to swallow your pride.

-No, I can't.

Yes, you bloody can. You go back in there...

Sandra! I punched him...twice.

The deal is, I take redundancy and he won't press the assault charges.

Oh, God...

Aaaaaaaah!

Yeah, I thought you might react that way.

MOBILE RINGS

Hello, Jamie, we're just in the middle of something here.

-Can I call you back?

-'No! You can't!'

Why? What's happening?

-Aaaah!

-The baby's coming.

'Are you at the hospital?'

No, we're in a car park. Laura's on the phone to the doctor, but I need some help.

-What kind of help?

-'I don't know, just somebody to talk me through it.'

OK, OK, calm down, calm down. How far along is she?

-I don't know.

-'Is she fully dilated?'

-I don't know!

Jamie, they need to talk to you. Jamie!

'Jamie, talk to me!'

-I don't...

-'Are you listening to me? What the hell are you doing?'

Where's the ambulance?!

OK, can everybody just give me a break?

I don't know what's going on!

Sandra, give me the damn phone.

Jamie, it's your dad.

Aaaaaah!

'Now, listen, you need to take a deep breath and go to Laura

'and start nodding like you know what you're doing.'

Now, I know you're scared.

Yes, definitely!

'But this isn't about you, it's about her.'

It doesn't matter that you don't know what you're doing.

The important thing is that you look like you know what you're doing.

'That's all she needs from you now.

'Sorry, son, but life's going to be like this from now on.'

Truth is, most of the time, I have no idea what I'm doing.

But when people are depending on you, you can't let them know that.

You've just got to plant your feet and do your best.

'Now, repeat after me.'

Don't worry, I can handle this.

Don't worry, I can handle this.

'Now say, "It's going to be fine."'

It's going to be fine.

Does she look like she's going for it?

Aaaaaaaah!

A bit.

'OK.'

Now, to sell this, you're going to have to hang up.

Say you've got to go and help Laura get through this.

I'm going to go. I'm going to help Laura get through this.

'Good.'

Tell me not to worry, you know what to do.

Don't worry, I know what to do.

Good luck, son.

Thanks.

Hi, I'm Jamie. I'm the boyfriend.

I'm with her now.

Tell me what to do.

Is that how you really feel?

Only about 80% of the time.

-OK, are you ready to push?

-No.

Push anyway!

Aaaaah!

Aaaaah!

Why are you screaming?

I don't know. It just feels right!

Remind me never to eat here.

BOTH: Aaaaaah!

I'm just empathising.

Are you all right?

Yeah, that's good.

-Yeah?

-Yeah, I feel like we're getting somewhere.

-That's encouraging.

-Yeah.

BOTH: Aaaaaaah!

OK, OK, I can see something.

It's a baby!

What were you expecting, a golden retriever?!

OK, sorry.

Aaaaah!

BABY CRIES

-Oh, my God.

-Oh, my God!

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

God!

I'm a grandmother! Aaaarrggh! Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Shiiiit!

Yep, that's your mother!

I'll be back for the rest later.

BABY CRIES

Oh, fuck.

I don't suppose you could carry me up there?

Beth, what are you...?

You couldn't do it.

No, I couldn't walk up those stairs.

I'm proud of you.

Thanks?

I'd better take the money, though,

just in case you feel weak again.

Uh...

You're doing a good thing.

Yep. It feels good.

C'mon.

I suppose we could spend a bit of the money on a takeaway.

-Yeah?

-Yeah, I was thinking maybe a curry.

Might get a reduction with the T-shirt.

Wow, makes it all worthwhile(!)

They're not picking up.

MOBILE BEEPS

'You have one new message.'

'Hi, can you call me? You're grandparents.'

You're my hero, Keith, do you know that?

Yeah.

I hope you broke Paul Morgan's nose.

I made his lip bleed.

Good.

-Aah!

-Does your ankle hurt?

No, I've got one of my knackers trapped on your shoulder.

Oh, how's that?

-Yeah.

-Good.

Jamie, are you going to cry again?

No.

It's just this whole birth thing, it's been really difficult for me.

Oh, God, is this what it's going to be like?

OK, are we all ready in there?

Not really.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd