Tinker, Tiger, Lobster Pramface

-I don't know what I'd do without you and Emily.

-Oh...

-Sh...

It's fully-functional, it's all plumbed in, electrics.

-Take me home, Keith!

-Actually, this is our 'ome.

You know I love you both very much!

It's only your father I can't stand.

-This marriage is officially over!

-Oh!

Let's go for it, let's move in together!

From now on, Laura... we're going to be so happy!

Oh...

So are you going to move in with Jamie then?

No, course not. I'm moving in with my dad, aren't I?

But does Jamie think you're moving in with him?

No!

Well, yeah. But I'll set him straight!

Well, why don't you move in with him?

He's a great guy for someone like you, you know -

unwanted, single mother.

And you obviously go for that boy next door,

least attractive member of the boyband look.

What?! I said he could be in a boyband.

Not the lead singer,

but, you know, the fat one who writes all the songs.

Danielle! You're not helping!

Fine!

Oh, my God!

It's like a VIP room from 1991!

Look at that sofa!

Yeah, it's slink.

Made from the skin of unborn calves.

-Oooh!

-Don't touch it! Haven't sealed it yet!

So we can't sit on it?

Yes, but, you know, just be careful - it's very delicate.

So practical when you have a young child.

Oh, erm, probably best to keep her off the chaise, as well.

Ooh, retro.

Isn't it? Look, by the way, leather wall panels.

-Oooh.

-Ooh.

And...

Oh! It's a lamp!

-Oh, that looks dangerous.

-Only if you're a moth.

So, where exactly are we supposed to sit?

Erm, well, you can sit on anything that's been designed after 1970.

DOOR BUZZES Oh, now that should be my Mies van der Rohe footstool.

Oh, quick(!)

Oh, I'm not sure this place is right for Emily.

Yeah, being exposed to this much leather at her age,

she's definitely going to end up being a stripper.

-Emily! Oh, my God!

-Oh, my God!

Oh! It's OK, it's all right.

It's OK, it's all right.

Oh!

Jamie.

How was the interview?

Turns out there's not much call for a college dropout with

no experience and no qualifications. What about you?

Oh, they offered me the head of ICI, but I told 'em to stuff it.

-No joy, mate?

-No.

It's a crying shame - fit young lad like you.

Actually, I'm doing a job you could help me with.

-You've got a job?

-Course. Bit of decorating. You interested?

-Absolutely!

-Yeah! Shall I tell them in there?

Oh, no. No, no, no.

Oh, no. Kids, eh?

-Jamie, was it?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, I'm Keith.

Sorry, mate, job's gone.

So do I need to bring anything?

Just that lovely smile.

I start tomorrow.

Proper money, too, so I'll be able to pay my share of the rent.

'That's great, Jamie.'

It's just I sort of really need to be here, for my dad, at the moment.

He's... he's having trouble...

adjusting. It's a really difficult time for him.

-ALAN WHISTLES HAPPILY

-'Oh, of course.'

So, a couple of weeks then?

Yeah, we'll see.

I should go. He's looking really down.

-'OK, so maybe if we...'

-Yeah, OK, bye.

Keith, all we needed was a pint of milk, what's all this?

There's some good stuff in them bargain bins.

God, where is your dignity? Digging around in bins for...

-beetroot!

-29p!

None of us like beetroot!

None of us like beetroot yet.

But have we, as a family, really given beetroot a chance?

You nice and comfy there, Keith?

Erm, yeah, thanks.

Sitting in a caravan on a broken chair,

eating reduced price prunes out of a tin!

Surrounded by all this clutter!

Oh, all right then, I'll get rid of it! I'll dump it.

You can't just dump it! Like a...

tinker!

I'm not a tinker.

Tinker, tailor, soldier,

sailor, rich man!

Poor man!

MUSIC: You Sexy Thing by Hot Chocolate

Dad! Emily is asleep!

Could you at least use headphones?

It seems a shame to waste the surround sound.

Oh, by the way,

I found a slight mark,

a stain, on the leather wall panel.

I'm pretty sure it is was a handprint about that size.

It's just that the oils in human skin

can have a corrosive effect on young leather.

Right, well, I'll just wrap her up in dusters then, shall I?

Are you wearing aftershave?

Homme de Mystere, Calvin Klein.

Are you going on a date?

-Hmm.

-But you're married!

Only to your mother!

What time are you going to be back?

Don't know if I will be.

I... I'm sorry, Dad, but I think we need to have some ground rules here.

-Why?

-Because I need to know what you're doing.

Why?

Erm, well, what if I had... cooked dinner?

-Have you cooked dinner?

-No, but I...

Oh, it's just a bit of a shock.

Look, it's no big deal, I'm just, you know,

going on an innocent night out,

with an intelligent, interesting woman,

who happens not to be your mother.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

I think I deserve that, don't I?

Suppose.

Hey, Tiger!

SHE KISSES HIM

-You ready?

-Erm, almost, almost, yes.

Oh, erm, this is Penny.

Oh, hello.

-All right, Tiger.

-Oh, sweet pea.

-Bye.

SHE GASPS

Ohhh!

Dad! What do you think you're doing?

I cannot believe you brought her back here and...

You've got to be careful, you know?!

You can't just drag home the first drunken bimbo that you meet!

Got croissants!

SHE INHALES AUDIBLY

And a very good morning to you, Laura.

Hope I wasn't too long in the shower,

the controls were a bit taxing for my bimbo brain.

-Who's for a pain au chocolat?

-Sorry, Alan, I need to go!

-Oh.

What have you said?

Look, I don't need your approval to have a bit of harmless fun...

..within a committed, long-term relationship, obviously.

I do have to get to the office.

Hmm, conference call with Tokyo. You know how it is.

-Oh, right.

-Well, don't look so sad, Tiger.

-I'll see you tonight.

-Hmm.

So nice to see you again.

Thanks for giving me this opportunity.

What exactly will I be doing?

Oh, a bit of this, bit of that,

bit of the other.

The important thing is not to treat it as work.

In my experience, the happier you are,

the happier the customer is.

Handsome chap like you,

they'll be putty in your hands.

Come on.

Great.

Working up a bit of a sweat there, son?

Yeah, and, sorry, but I think I got some of the white on the red.

Oh, don't worry about that.

Erm, Mrs Winterburn's more concerned that you might be getting a bit hot?

Oh, no, I'm fine. Thank you, Mrs Winterburn.

Uh-huh. Erm, she says if you want to take your shirt off,

-it's absolutely fine.

-Oh, I'm fine, thanks.

Jamie, mate...

I'm sure you'll be a lot more comfortable if you just,

you know, slip your top off.

All right, then.

That better?

Frees you up a bit, don't it?

Yeah, it does, actually!

You've got five seconds!

Three, two, one, yes!

Sold to Suzy K, one oak-effect wheel back chair!

San! You missed it!

Oh! I've just sold the last bit of our furniture!

Ah, that's great, Keith!

-And we have made over 200 quid!

-Oh!

Oh, I've got a real knack for this!

Oh, well, I'll just be glad of the space!

Oh, shit!

Not our problem, Sandra.

Caveat emptor! It's Latin.

It means, "Buyer, beware!"

Especially if you're buying off some bloke off the Internet.

It's her chair now. It's her problem.

It's hot work, innit?

Do you know what? I could customise those jeans for you,

cut 'em off at the knee.

Well, I don't think that's necessary...

Be much cooler - let the skin breathe.

Well, I guess these have pretty much had it, anyway.

That's my boy!

What the f...?

I'll be with you in a minute, San,

just taking me latest venture to market.

Ow! What is this?

The corner shop were throwing it out!

Are you selling ice cream?

No, no, no, no. Strictly high-end goods.

Maximum profits!

Homarus gammarus.

-Lobster!

-Where did you get that lobster?

Erm, the old freezer warehouse.

-Do you remember Brian?

-What, Dodgy Brian?

Yeah, Dodgy Brian.

He's setting us up with a cheap supply,

and I'm going to sell them on eBay!

Where you getting the money for this?

Well, I've reinvested our liquid assets.

The furniture money?

Yeah, and some extra start-up capital venture

which I've managed to secure.

From who?

Just like a, sort of, conglomerate of investors.

They're... they're fully on-board!

You know, professional... money people.

You got a payday loan.

Yeah, well, they saw the potential in the idea!

I bet they did! So when's your next payday?

Not long, San. Not long.

Oh, lovely, Mrs W! Tea up, Jamie!

Not sure about these, Dave.

It's practical, though, innit?

Right.

Back to the grind!

MUSIC: Love Is The Drug by Roxy Music

Ah, perfect!

Surprise!

I got you this!

Oh, sweet pea!

-You shouldn't have!

-I thought you could wear it on Friday.

Lunch? With my parents.

Oh, erm, may be a bit tricky!

I know they'd both love to meet you.

As I would them, absolutely.

But, erm, hmm, I probably should see more of Laura.

But you see her every day!

I do, yes, but... she's having real difficulty adjusting, you know?

Dad! She's asleep!

Thank you!

Oh, sorry! You don't mind me borrowing these, do you?

Alan said you wouldn't.

Only... we had a bit of an accident.

Didn't we, Mr Tickle?

I had to queue-jump on the washing machine.

I've left Emily's stuff on the floor.

So, looks like we're having another sleepover.

If we must!

MUSIC: Golden Years by David Bowie

"Bop-bop-bop!"

See you soon, Mrs W!

-And thanks for the cake!

-Here you go, son.

You've earned that.

She gave me a tip, too!

Ahh! You stick with your Uncle Dave and he'll take care of you.

KEYPAD BEEPS

-This little piggy went to market.

-Alan, stop it!

Ooh, didn't Little Piggy like Mr Tickle?

PHONE RINGS

Oh! Hi.

-'Hi, Laura. I've just done my first day.'

-Oh, right.

'You know, I reckon we can even get a furnished place,

'with a big TV and everything.'

Yeah, that's the priority(!) Look, Jamie, we don't want to rush it.

We don't want to end up with a place that we hate.

'Couldn't be worse than the caravan. It's all right for you.

'You're living in a nice flat with your dad.'

Ah!

FEMALE SQUEALS

-And this little piggy...!

-Yeah.

Whoa!

BOTH LAUGH

I suppose it wouldn't do any harm to just check out what's available.

-'All right, I'll call you tomorrow.'

-OK. Bye.

I need the keys for number 15 for tomorrow.

-RECEPTIONIST:

-OK, Dave. I've just got to finish an e-mail

and then I'll get them from the cupboard.

Nice shorts.

Oh.

It's, er... it's company uniform.

-Oh! Thank God he's not wearing it.

-Yeah!

So, what do you do for Dave?

Oh, you know. Bit of this, bit of that, bit of the other.

Oh, man of mystery!

Come on, Jamie.

Leave the poor girl alone. Get back in the van.

I might pop back in. I'm looking for a flat.

Oh, OK. Er, take a card. Jamie.

Thanks. Isabel.

Ah, Laura. Care to join us in a glass of fizz?

No, thank you. Where are you off to tonight, then?

Ah, right, we're taking over the DVD player tonight, I'm afraid.

You're staying in?

Apocalypse Now. Redux.

The movie as Coppola intended it to be seen.

Hence tonight's take away - Vietnamese.

From Saigon Express, if you want to join us?

-No, I'll sort myself out.

-OK.

Shall I order for us both?

I'm in your hands.

HE ATTEMPTS TO SPEAK IN DIALECT

Er, no, OK.

Good evening. Er, yep, er, I'd like to order some food, please.

We'll have some nem cuon to start with, please.

Does that still come wrapped in banh trang?

Yes, we'll have five of those, please.

We could always babysit,

if you want to, you know, clear off for the evening.

No. No. I can, um, make my own entertainment.

OK.

It's just... you seem to be finding this a bit hard to deal with.

No, no, it's just...

I... I just thought it would be weird for you.

What do you mean, weird?

It's just that I can't really imagine being, you know,

with an older man - much older.

I just see a fascinating, intelligent, sexy guy.

Who's old enough to be your father.

Oh, please, I know you prefer younger men.

Well! At least I haven't got some kind of weird daddy complex.

Daddy...?

I'm sorry, you've got a baby and a boyfriend

but you're still living with your father.

Maybe you're the one with the daddy complex.

Lovely.

HE ATTEMPTS TO SPEAK IN DIALECT

Er, nothing. See you soon.

Right, they say 15 minutes, but it'll probably be nearer 30.

-Well, perhaps I should go home.

-What?!

-Well, your daughter seems to think we shouldn't be dating.

-Laura?

Apparently you're old enough to be my father.

Ha! Well, I'm... sure I'm not.

-Have you met him?

-No.

But I'm going to very soon,

because we're meeting up for lunch on Friday.

-What? You can make it?

-Absolutely. Why not?

-Oh!

-He'll be so excited, poppet.

-So, we, um...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

..still on for tonight?

Of course, tiger! If that's what you want.

ELECTRICAL THRUMMING

-Sandra?

-Oh... I can't sleep with that bloody noise on.

THRUMMING STOPS

-What are you doing?

-It'll be all right for a few hours.

Huh?!

What?

THRUMMING RESUMES

HE SIGHS

THRUMMING STOPS

What are you doing, woman? That needs to stay on!

Dad!

-You're damaging the stock!

-I don't care.

-Will you just leave it alone?

-I need to sleep!

Mum! Dad! Please! I've got to work tomorrow. Keep it down.

ELECTRICAL POPPING

Oh, nice one, Sandra(!) You just knackered me primary capital asset.

-Oh, go back to sleep, Keith, will you?

-I need a leak now.

-Heads down, son, I'm coming straight over.

-Huh? Eurgh!

TINKLING

Ohh!

JAMIE SIGHS

SEXUAL GROANING

Oh, Little Piggy!

-Come on, Mr Wolf!

-Oh, Little Piggy!

-I'll huff and...

-Keep going!

-..I'll puff, and...

BOTH MOAN

SHE SNIFFS

Oh, good God...!

Keith, it smells like there's a beached whale in here.

Oh, just... Patience, love.

Takes a bit of time to build a young business.

Keith, the whole caravan stinks of decomposing lobster.

Oh, it is early days, Sandra.

I'm just having to calibrate my pricing structure

against the existing marketplace to maximise the bottom line.

No, here's the bottom line.

-There's been a boardroom coup.

-What?

I'm taking over

and I'm introducing a major revamp to marketing strategy.

What kind of revamp?

Go on. Go on.

Morning, madam. For one day only,

I've got a wonderful consumer opportunity for you.

Direct from the sea - fresh lobster.

Well, freshly defrosted.

Mm, smell the ocean! Nice and ripe.

Morning, madam! For one day only, I've a wonderful...

-MAN:

-Sod off!

MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO

Dave, I'm not really comfortable in these.

Oh, take 'em off. I'm sure Miss Dixon won't mind.

No, I mean, they're a bit revealing.

Jamie, Jamie, Jamie.

You've got to learn to play to your strengths.

And, let's face it, those strengths do not include decorating.

-What?

-Why do you think the money's rolling in?

There ain't no shame in playing the game.

Don't look at me like that, son.

There's nothing wrong with providing the customer

with a little bit of eye candy.

Especially if it keeps the work rolling in.

So, next time Miss Dixon pops her head in

and asks if you'd like a nice cup of tea...

shake your booty.

Now, watch this. Go.

Good afternoon, madam. How are you today? Would you be interested...?

-No, thanks.

-I have lobster!

I don't care if you've got lobsters or lucky heather.

We don't want your sort on this site.

Lucky heather?! I'm not a...

Brilliant, San.

Oh!

-That your dad's XF?

-Mm-hm.

Hm, see he went for the lunar grey too. Good choice.

Here we are.

-Now, don't be nervous.

-Don't be silly, sweetpea.

-Hello, sweetpea.

-Hi, Dad.

-Hello.

-Hello. BOTH:

-We meet at last.

-I've heard so much about you.

-I've heard so much about you.

-I'm Adam.

-I'm... Alan.

This is just a quickie while we're in the area.

In and out in an hour.

DOORBELL RINGS

These shorts are really chafing.

Yeah. Put a bit of cream on when you get home.

Maybe shave.

DOOR OPENS

Ah!

MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO

You like that, don't you?

Well, I'm sure we've got some Earl Grey somewhere.

SHE SIGHS

I really don't mind, Alan.

Why don't you just go and relax, sweet... Penny.

Fine. I will.

Look...

I'm sorry if I was... a little quiet at the lunch.

I wasn't really expecting your dad to be quite so...

I mean, obviously I realised

there'd be certain demographic similarities, but...

Oh, Penny.

I'm sorry, Little Piggy.

Mr Wolf will make it up to you!

SHE SCREAMS

-Oh, my...!

-What are you doing?

-See ya!

-Oh!

Dave! This job!

-We need to talk.

-Sure, son. Shoot.

PHONE RINGS

Just a sec.

-Laura, hi.

-'You're right. We SHOULD get a flat.'

-Yeah?

-'Yeah, let's do it. Tomorrow.'

-OK, great!

-'OK, bye.'

-Bye.

Here you go.

Another good day.

Now, what was it you wanted to say about the job?

Um...

Same time tomorrow?

HE CHUCKLES

-OK, this'll do. Just dump it here.

-Nah, there's a better spot.

-Oh, come on, Keith, before somebody sees us.

-Oh, all right.

OK, go.

Great!

No, just leave the trolley. Let's just get out of here.

No way. That's got a pound deposit on it.

-Evening, love.

-Oh, God help us!

-I've got a job.

-Oh, my God, that's fantastic!

I'm assistant site manager.

We're going to be a proper family.

We're going to be just like my mum and dad.

Well, not exactly like your mum and dad.

I'm very confused right now.

-I'm extremely scared and I'm partially aroused.

-Ohh...