Proper Little Family Pramface

OK, so we slept together! So what?!

No! I'm not living in a camp site!

No, it's a static caravan park.

I'm looking for a flat.

-Take a card.

-Thanks...

Isabel.

GLASS SQUEAKS

Ugh!

I hate this, Keith!

It'll get better. We're just settling in.

I don't want to settle in. Can't you smell the damp?

That's the fresh air outside.

Fresh air doesn't smell like dead frogs.

Oh, just Febreze it.

It's the smell of misery, Keith.

You can't Febreze that.

Don't rain on my parade, Sandra!

-Morning!

-Morning!

Hello!

KEITH SINGS MERRILY

Whoa! Hey! Yours!

-CRASHING

-Sorry.

-You all right, Niall? You winning?

-Aye.

Do you want me to have a go?

Ah, there you go, that's it.

Oh, great. Cheers, Keith.

It's all right.

Ahh, I've a ton of gravel to spread over the kiddies' playing area.

Don't know where it goes. Little bastards must eat it.

I'll give you a hand if you want. Got nothing else on.

Great! I'll pay you.

Great!

Do you want to drive?

Yeah!

Woo-hoo!

KEITH GIGGLES

Woo!

SHE EXHALES WEARILY

-See ya later!

-Definitely!

-All right?

-I'm better than all right!

Good.

Cos I was worried when I saw that girl trying to eat your face.

Aww, seeing me with another woman's very upsetting for you, innit?

Not in the way that you think.

Lorraine's amazing! She totally gets me!

She said there was something about me.

SHE SCOFFS

And did she, erm, specify what this thing was?

Uh-uh.

But I tell you what. She is going to find out! Mmm!

She is like a one-stop shop for happiness!

She's even fixed me up with a job.

-Really?

-Yeah! Her dad owns a chain of sports shops.

She thinks I'm management material.

That makes no sense.

Of course it does. Your mind's just addled with jealousy.

But if you love something, Beth, you've just got to set it free

-and let it get off with sexually-assertive women.

-Ugh!

So, what are we looking for?

-Something quite cheap.

-At least a two bed.

-Yeah, Mike might stay over.

-Because Mum might stay over.

-Why would your mum need to stay over?

-Why would Mike need to stay?

-Maybe just a one bed.

-One's fine.

OK, so preferably one bed.

Oh, you both must be so excited.

Yeah, I can't wait to get some space!

Of our own.

Yeah, we're going to be a proper little family!

Oh, he can't wait! Isn't he sweet?

We're going to be just like my mum and dad.

Well, not EXACTLY like your mum and dad.

Settling in? I'll bloody settle him in.

Coo-ee!

Terrible weather!

SHE LAUGHS THEN SIGHS

Are you here for long?

-Oh, God, hope not!

-Huh?

Er, we'll see how the weather goes.

We're lucky, we can be flexible with dates.

My husband Paul's joining me later.

-Depending on work.

-Ah, right.

Paul and I love our car-avan.

Car-avan?

It's very much a second home.

Third home, if you count the RV. Which I think you have to.

Oh, yes.

It's a big one! Won't say how much.

Almost 22,000.

So worth it!

Well, I better be getting on.

Well, nice to meet a fellow holiday-maker!

I, erm, I try and steer clear of the residentials.

Residentials?

-The permanent residents.

-Oh!

Not one of us, if you get my drift.

We should stick together.

In fact, why don't you come round for lunch tomorrow?

We're barbecuing.

Bring your...husband?

Keit'.

Keith? Ah...

I'm sure Paul would love you both to come!

If he can make it. Depending on work.

Well, I will check our schedule

as, uh, Keith's also very busy.

-You know how it is!

-Shall we say three o'clock?

Oh, OK...

I'll make sure the real flame fire's up and running.

It was 400, but...

So worth it.

Exactly.

-Toodle-oo!

-Cheerio.

Now...

my little girl tells me you're a good bloke.

Well, obviously I've gotta check you out for myself.

-Of course.

-So, what sort of experience have you had?

Well, you know, we've only been seeing each other for a little while,

but I say so far, it's been excellent.

I mean have you had any retail experience?

Retail! Yes, loads.

Not so much from the selling side of things,

but I have had lots of purchasing experience.

-You're tellin' me you've been shopping?

-Yes!

And I think that I can transfer those skills into a more

sales-based format moving forward.

Right.

Funny guy!

HE LAUGHS

Wow! Look at the size of it!

-Yeah, look at it.

-It's big.

Mm-hm, bigger than a caravan.

It's a lovely space for a family. And you can grow into it,

well, at least until maybe Emily has a little brother or a sister!

-Oh, OK, let's not get ahead of ourselves!

-I really like it.

I'm sorry, I just... It just feels really, really claustrophobic!

OK, fine, I'll take you to the next property.

Here we are.

Oh...

This is nice.

Yeah... I'm not sure.

What's wrong with it?

Er, I'm just... I'm not getting that feeling.

You know when you don't get the feeling.

Hmm, uh-huh, OK.

Also, not really sure about this area, it seems a little bit dead.

Are there any, like, shops nearby or...?

Yes, there's a great little run of shops just round the corner.

And a supermarket, two delis, couple of cafes

and a lovely little bar, it's just next to the park.

Oh, and there's that little cinema we passed.

Oh, yeah, by the tapas place.

Oh, well, there you go, then!

There's going to be hundreds of people going up and down that high street

day and night to use all the great facilities.

I'm sorry. No.

Well, if she's not getting the feeling...

I'm getting a feeling.

SCRAP CLATTERS

Cheers for that, Keith.

If you want work, I've got a job here helping out.

What, on the site?

Yeah. If you can handle the commute!

Yeah, I'd love that! When can I start?

Well, you can cover tonight if you'd like? I've got a hot date.

-Right.

-Online date. You know, chatting.

-Oh, yeah, nice!

-American woman.

-Cool!

Prisoner.

Felony murder.

(Oh, that's)...lovely.

Sorry, so, this job, what exactly would it entail?

Oh, bugger all, really.

Just cover the phone in case somebody needs a fuse changing

or their shoelaces tying.

So, I've just got to, like, sit in the office?

Well, sit where you like. I mean, this is the office.

It's a duty mobile.

Just keep it with you and be on call if anything comes up.

Oh, right, I'm just like a general dogsbody?

Well, deputy dogsbody, yeah.

Cool.

FRONT DOOR OPENS

-Get in, get in! Get, get...!

-What's wrong?

-Oh, God!

We've been invited to a barbecue by one of the bloody neighbours.

-Oh, magic, I love...!

-No, no, don't you dare.

Don't you dare enjoy yourself.

She thinks we're on holiday! It's so humiliating!

And you put us here, Keith, you made this happen,

and you do nothing to help us!

Actually, I've got a job.

I'm an assistant manager.

That's fantastic!

-Assistant manager of what?

-The site!

-What site?

-This site. I'm assistant site manager.

It's dead lucky, cos it's only open to residents!

Oh, no, no, I don't want to be a resident.

I can't live here! Tell them, tell them you're not taking it!

No! I have got a job.

We have got a place to live,

and we've got no worries about debts and bailiffs.

We have everything we need, Sandra.

We've got space, greenery, free table tennis, off peak.

It's paradise. And you'd see that if you weren't such a snob.

Oh! I am not a snob!

It's just a big adjustment!

And I keep trying to move the furniture, Keith,

and I can't cos it's all fixed to the wall! I'm not used to it!

Oh, hey, hey. Come on, it's all right.

OK, we don't have to tell her that we live here. Right?

But that is only because I love...

..barbecues.

SANDRA SOBS

So you buzz the customers in, take their order number,

-get the stuff from the back and take their money.

-Right.

Money goes in the cash box.

End of the day you give it to me...

-or Big Tim.

-Who's Big Tim?

-You don't need to know.

I just thought, if I have to give him the money...

He'll be a big guy, and he'll say his name is Tim.

Got it!

-Here's your first week's wages upfront.

-Cool!

And obviously keep it quiet.

(Good lad.)

Right, I'll get the rest of the stuff loaded in, then.

Right and I'll just start unpacking it, shall I?

No.

We don't unpack the stock.

We NEVER unpack the stock.

-(Clear?)

-(Clear! Yep!)

I think he gets it, Dad.

After yesterday's viewings, I thought I'd open up our search.

We're really just looking for something temporary.

Well, not that temporary.

Well, until we sort out what we are doing...

long term.

Erm, what's the shortest lease that you can get

with the shortest period of notice?

Er, something like a rolling one-month lease?

But you'd have to commit for at least the first three months.

Ah, I suppose I could do that.

-What do you think?

-It is a great property.

What about the schools?

What about the schools? I'm sure the schools are fine!

What you think of as a good school

and what I think are different things.

My school was fine.

Is that why you dropped out?

No. You're why I dropped out.

OK, so, why don't I check on catchment areas for nurseries?

Thank you. Thank you, Isabel, yes.

It's nice to see somebody thinking about Emily's future.

And by future I assume you mean the next three months?

Because that seems to be as far as you can commit to.

Forgive me, for wanting to actually make a choice,

rather than just taking the first thing on offer!

Why are we even doing this?

Just be honest, Laura, you don't want to move in with me, do you?

-I do! It's just this obviously isn't the right place.

-Really?

And what exactly is wrong with it?

Well...that view for starters!

Happy now?!

-No.

-No!

Because the only problem you have with these properties

is that I'm in them! That's why you can't commit, isn't it?

SHE SIGHS WEARILY

Right, fine, I'm sorry. I'm not like you.

I don't want to just move in and start playing happy families.

I wasn't playing!

Jamie, why don't you go and have another look at the exterior?

Fine! I'm going to go and stand in the double-sized parking space!

So, Laura, I'm sensing it's not entirely about the property.

It's just...

-Jamie's great, but...

-It's none of my business.

But in my job I see lots of people rushing into moving in together,

and three months later I'm remarketing the flat.

That's what I'm worried about. Maybe we're not ready.

Do you think we're ready?

Jamie seems a great guy.

But there's no point rushing into anything if you're not sure.

Sorry about that.

-I just...

-It's fine.

I'll come back.

Maybe just let things cool off for a while.

Let her work things out.

-Do you think?

-The last thing you want is to put more pressure

on a fragile relationship.

I guess that's what it is. A fragile relationship.

I'm really sorry.

For what it's worth, I think you're great.

I'd move in with you.

God, I've got to get to work. Erm...

You go, I'll lock up and tell Laura.

-Er...

-You can text her when you get to work.

It's fine, just go.

OK. Look, thanks, Isabel.

Where's Jamie?

He had to go. Something about his lunch break.

He just left?!

Oh, bloody hell!

Oh, maybe let him cool off a bit. He seemed pretty annoyed.

We're just not on the same page with this.

Yeah, it's a shame.

I had this great one bed, it's just come up.

Not so much of a Jamie place, but you would have loved it!

-Really?

-Yeah, it's going to fly off the market.

But I suppose there's no point in viewing it now.

Well, there's no harm in having a look, is there?

No! Course not!

Great!

Come along, don't be shy!

And here we are.

Wow, look at this place.

You can never have too much scalloped fabric I say.

Apparently not.

The scent you're getting. Potpourri.

Locally sourced.

What the...? Oh.

That's based on one from the palace of Versailles.

Oh, right yeah. Really dominates the room, doesn't it?

Oh, thank you!

Do come through!

Have you ever seen anything like that?

-Good God!

-Isn't it?!

Oh! That's my double oven! I bake my own bread.

-Fockassia.

-Oh, you mean focaccia?

Not if you bake it the authentic Spanish way, no.

What's going on with your display?

Er, I'm just showing a range of sporting activities.

This one's a sprinter in his blocks.

This guys doing the backstroke in the 4x400m medley, actually.

-And this one's the referee.

-Right.

I was going to spread them further apart

but we're a bit limited on space so, er...

Yeah, this is a weird shop.

No, no, Lorraine said her dad's got a very unique model.

All high-end, pre-ordered stuff.

Ahh, sh, I'll just get that.

Hello, sir, how can I help you today?

One second, let me just get that for you.

-Oh, urghh!

-Oh!

Oh, watch your back.

There we are, sir, there's your order.

Thank you very much.

And would you care to fill out a customer response form,

just to help us improve our services?

So what do you actually do, Keith?

Hmm...

Keith works in aggregates.

Right, what does that entail?

What doesn't it entail?

Yes, but what does it entail?

Well, aggregates.

Spreading, distributions, supply, spreading stuff out.

Sounds fascinating.

Yes, Keith's employment has definitely allowed us

to be where we are today.

Hmm, course, Sandra loves coming here.

Well, it certainly is a nice place you have.

For that grade of car-avan.

Oh and we have the house in France!

Yep! French place.

Oh. And where is that?

-West.

-South

-BOTH:

-South-West.

Would that put you in the Dordogne?

Does it! Hm, every time.

-What's a Dordogne?

-Never mind.

You don't think this whole set up is a bit weird?

Well, it's, it's not perfect.

I do not think you're selling sportswear.

Beth! You can't open the stock. I'm under very strict instructions!

-I'm opening the stock.

-No, Beth! It's for customers only!

Oh, OK then! I want to buy some trainers.

-We don't have them in your size!

-Oh, these sound about right!

-Beth!

-No, Mike!

-Oh, my God!

-Bingo!

This is not the direction I want to take the company!

We're very healthy lifestyle orientated.

I'm going to have to talk to Terry!

He's a criminal! You're a criminal!

I'm going to talk to Lorraine. Beth, you watch the shop!

-It is really lovely.

-Isn't it?

I can just picture it, you know, you and Emily, here.

I do have a second viewing this afternoon. They're very keen.

-Well, I want to help you.

-I'll take it!

-Really?

-Yeah, yeah!

-OK, great!

-OK.

Do you need to get that?

No.. It's... It's fine.

-Great, well, let's go and sort the paperwork!

-OK!

OK...

MECHANISM GURGLES

Oh, shit!

Down! Down! Oh, Jesus!

I think your dad may be involved in some sort of criminal activity.

Well, criminals do tend to be involved in that kind of thing.

Thank you.

I can't do this. I can't break the law.

You're only breaking it a bit.

Selling cigarettes,

it's like being a newsagent but only much more profitable.

-I can't!

-You can!

No, look, I can't be a career criminal.

My mum would be so disappointed.

And I haven't got the right A-levels!

Well, you can't just walk away.

Can't I?

You're working for us now.

And you're the one who's been selling cigarettes.

You're already a criminal, Mike.

Yeah, but I didn't know!

I could just come clean!

They'll never believe you.

What kind of idiot would run an illegal front

without even realising?

I think once they talk to me they'll see how that could happen.

If you shut down his operation, my dad'll kill you.

-Well, yeah, he's bound to be angry at first...

-No.

He'll actually kill you.

-I don't want to die.

-Pull yourself together!

-Ow!

-You're going to be fine.

-I am?

-Yes.

Because you're going to keep up your end of the deal

and keep your mouth shut, and everyone's going to be happy. Right?

So we're all happy! Yeah?

-Did you tell her?

-I tried!

Mike!

I'm very confused right now!

I'm extremely scared and I'm partially aroused.

-Ugh!

-Oh...

-SANDRA:

-Keith!

Keith!

Yes, love?

Can I have a quick word with you in here?

Yep.

Why were you eating your "fockassia" in there anyway?

Don't worry!

There's a little man on site who does this kind of thing.

I'll give him a call.

Erm, I could have a look at it.

No, Keith, I don't want you grubbing around like a common workman!

-Look, I insist, go back in there and finish your lunch.

-Hmm...

Well, why don't you let Keith have a look at it?

I've pressed auto-dial, the die is cast.

PHONE RINGS

I could get me tools...?

No, he'll pick up. It's all part of the service contract.

PHONE CONTINUES RINGING

'lo?

Hello?

I think we have a problem with...

The toilet, yeah.

Erm... I'll get right on to it.

All right, Terry? What's going on?

What's going on? The whole operation's been burned,

that's what's going on! Someone grassed!

It wasn't me! I swear!

Don't hurt him! It wasn't him!

How do we know that?

-Think, Dad, why would he come here?

-To cover his tracks!

-You saw him, he was freaked out!

-How do we know he wasn't faking it?

He's not smart enough.

She's right, I'm really not!

No-one else knew!

Big Tim knew.

Aren't you Big Tim?

No, I'm Big Andy.

-No names!

-Sorry.

-Sorry.

HE CHOKES

Goodbye, Mike.

You!

You did this!

Of course I bloody did!

And you should be thanking me.

What for? I lost my job, my girlfriend...

Yes, but you didn't get killed by her dad, and that's a big positive.

True.

And everyone got out unscathed.

Yeah, apart from Big Tim. They're going to kill him!

Kill him? Do you mean I might have caused a man's death?

Well, only if they catch him.

'Hi, it's Laura. I just wanted to say thank you for all your help...'

Oh, another client's just walked in.

(Two secs.)

-'Oh, OK, well, erm, maybe...'

-OK, bye.

Ah, just dropping off the keys for 17.

I was going to call you. Are you OK?

Yeah, I'm sorry about...you know.

Oh, don't worry.

Maybe it's for the best.

Living in a small flat when you're not getting on is tough.

Yeah, I know about that.

And you'll see them in the new place.

-New place?

-Her new flat.

-She did tell you, didn't she?

-No!

But she's signed contracts and put a deposit down and everything.

Unbelievable!

I can't believe she didn't...

That's pretty brutal.

Yeah, well, that's Laura!

Wow. I could never be that cold.

You know, you just get to a point where you think...

-Is it worth it?

-Yeah,

and you know what? I'm not sure it is any more.

You know what, Jamie? You are a great guy.

And...she doesn't deserve someone like you.

And...

Sorry, I probably shouldn't have...

Housewarming! Woo!

Say goodbye to Mummy!

Bye!

You're an arch little bitch.

No, I'm just someone who actually knows what she wants.

Nice!