Ignore the Monkey Pramface

This programme contains some strong language

-Happy?

-No.

-The only problem YOU have with these properties is that I'm in them!

-You think...

-Is it worth it?

-I'm not sure it is.

Hey.

Oh, morning.

So...

So... Last night was...

Yeah.

What was it? What were you going to say?

Well, I thought it was great!

Oh! Good!

Why? What were you going to say?

Same.

Well, I'm glad that we.... Are you not?

Oh, yeah... And I'm glad you're glad.

-I've got work.

-Oh, OK. Can I see you later for lunch?

Yeah, I'd like that.

Cool. Well, I've got to pick up Emily but then I'll call in.

OK.

Jamie, are you going to tell her?

Er...no. No. She doesn't tell ME anything.

So who I see is none of her business.

Oh, OK.

BABY CRYING

Yep, I know, I didn't sleep either.

OK. Aw! Sh...

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Jamie!

-Hello! Nice place.

Lots of space! But then, that's what you wanted, wasn't it?

Look, I was going to call you but...

But you left it up to the estate agent to fill me in?

Isabel told you?

Yeah, well, we talked.

OK, look, I know you must be upset...and that this possibly

wasn't the perfect way of doing this but...

-Possibly?

-We can talk about it.

I don't want to talk about it!

In fact, I don't want to have to see you right now.

I only came to pick up Emily.

Oh... OK, well, look maybe if you...

Yeah, yeah, got to go.

OK.

Say goodbye to Mummy.

Bye!

Bye.

KNOCK ON DOOR

House-warming! Woooooo!

Woo-hoo!

Hey, Beth.

OK, great, I'll see you tonight.

Great, it's a date!

Great. See ya... Hi...

Who were they?

Just some new friends.

Yeah, right! Like you can make friends with people!

I don't want to break your heart, Beth

but I think they were probably just humouring you to get a free coffee.

Actually they want to hang out.

I'm meeting up with them later tonight.

Yeah, well, I might just tag along, see how it goes.

You can't just tag along.

You have to be accepted and trusted before you can fit into their ecosystem.

What and you want to be part of the food chain?

Whatever it takes to be part of their world!

Pretty weird looking world.

Yeah, well, it's better than the barren wastelands of Planet Mike!

I think I've really upset him.

I've never seen him this pissed off before.

Oh, God, If he's going to be grumpy, just let him!

We are intelligent, independent women!

Why do we always end up talking about men?

It's beneath us!

Yeah, you're right. He'll get over it.

Damn right! Now, no more boy talk!

It'll give us a chance to catch up.

I need some Laura time. I've missed you.

Awww.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, erm, I've got to get that.

Hi, Adrian.

-'Did you make it OK?'

-Yeah, just got in.

-'Great, OK.'

This is nice, I've not noticed this place before.

Oh, yeah, it's great. Nice coffee, they play good music.

We've always loved it here.

We?

Emily and me!

Because of the great pram access,

and the nappy-changing facilities are amazing.

It's one of our favourites, isn't it?

Yes, it is!

Oh! Well done, sweetheart.

Oh, I'm out of wipes.

Erm, I'll just grab some tissue from the toilet.

Take her for a minute?

Oh, really, I don't think I can.

Oh, it's fine. Just support her head, and give her this.

You'll be fine. I'll be back in two secs.

TEXT

-Who keeps texting you?

-Oh, er... Professor Armitage.

Why is HE texting you?

You're SEEING him?

A bit.

Ugh... wow!

He's a bit intense but he's really interesting.

And my grades have picked up.

I mean, he has been marking a lot of my stuff but...

-Are you listening?

-Oh, look, Emily, it's your mother. Hopefully she won't see us!

KNOCK ON WINDOW

Nope, she's definitely seen us!

Hi!

Oh, crap! Er...

Er...

Ooooh, how adorable!

I'm going to come in. I'm coming in.

Oh, come on!

Jamie!

Hiya! How are you?

Oh, great.

And who is this?

Hello... Emily?

Aha, yeah...

Oh, er, are you with Jamie?

Yes! And I'm really sorry you had to find out this way.

I said he should tell you!

What, sorry?

You meant - am I with him here?

Yes. That too.

Right, let's clear this mess...

-..up!

-Laura's here...

Laura. Hi. This is...

I know what this is.

I guess I'll just take our daughter and...

..let you two get on with your...

We're leaving.

You sneaky little bastard!

It's so over the top!

Oh, hi, Beth!

What are you doing here?

Oh, I come here all the time!

They all know me here, so...

All right, Carol?

Squeeze in here... Hi, I'm Mike.

So, who are you?

So anyway, she keeps saying she's going to kill herself.

But I say, if all you're going to do with your life,

is spend your time writing vampire fan fiction, then good riddance!

Yeah, so I was thinking I might get a tattoo.

I've got this birthmark I thought they could incorporate. It looks a bit like Mickey Mouse.

-See, I'm halfway there, if you have a look.

-Yeah... We're leaving.

I don't understand, where does she write this?

She writes it on like vampire forums.

I'm just going to go and get a drink from the bar - do you want anything?

She...

Like nobody appreciates her art, you know, she's all moan, moan, moan.

INAUDIBLE

Hi there!

Hello? Whenever you're ready...

Hey!

It's really sweet that you brought your friend along to check me out.

Mark, was it?

Mike? Oh, no, he's not a...

I didn't invite him!

Yeah, right, admit it!

He was the parachute, in case you didn't like me.

But I assume I've passed the test?

What test?

You are so adorable! But you don't have to pretend.

I really like you.

And you really like me.

Er, yeah...um,. but...

But nothing!

This? This is perfect.

I just cannot believe!

I know!

Maybe I should call him.

Erm, no! Do not drunk-call him!

No, you're right, you're right.

Maybe I'll just call him tomorrow.

Yeah, or, maybe you should talk to HER!

Yes, yes! This is all her fault!

Yes! Ignore the monkey, just go straight to the organ grinder.

-She IS the organ grinder!

-What a bitch!

I'm so glad that you're here for this day!

That's OK.

Hey, why don't we just stay up all night, get really,

really drunk and just talk all our relationship problems out?

And then we can move on.

Yeah. No. I think I'm going to go to bed.

I really haven't slept since I moved here.

Could you watch Emily?

Er...

I guess I could.

If you are going to, maybe I should just...

Because you can't, you know.

Errrm...yeah. Of course.

-Good night.

-OK.

-(ON SCREEN)

-'Oh, my God! This is huge!'

It is not huge!

'It explains why she wasn't into me!

'It makes sense now.'

It doesn't make sense. It's not like I encouraged it!

Yeah right, just look at the way you dress!

It screams sexual ambiguity.

Well, I did not lead her on!

'Really? The girl you're desperate to be around, who's incredibly cool and smart?'

Well, she is great! And it's not like I'm anti-gay.

Maybe going out with her would be fun.

'Just as long as you're ready for the reality of lesbian sex.'

It's a subject I studied in great detail.

Mmm, I'm not sure what you've studied accurately reflects

the lesbian experience.

I'm just saying it's not all motorbikes

and cupcakes and Charlotte Bronte.

And this girl's going to have expectations!

Maybe I should just say something?

Yeah, it starts off as saying something,

and then it's doing something!

And then a couple of months later strapping something on.

Why am I even talking to you about this?

This is why I need a female friend!

Sounds like you're about to get one.

A very special one!

BABY CRIES

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

I know! He's far too possessive!

But I can't dump him just before he marks my assessment!

I am not using him!

If anything he is using me!

All right, we are using each other!

Look, how about a bedtime story?

The Pauper Prince.

I'll read this, and you can stop judging me!

'One day, the Princess was walking through the haunted forest

'when she met a nightingale,

'who told her that the Pauper Prince

was her one true love.'

Hmmm... Blah, blah, blah.

So, summarizing,

the Prince gets cursed by the witch,

and then he has to dig turnips for ever and ever.

So now not only is he broke, but he is also in a dead-end job!

So, what a loser!

OK, you're a baby, what do you know?

Hi!

Hey, what are you doing here?

I've been thinking about you ever since we kissed.

Yeah, it's been on my mind as well.

I'm so glad you feel the same!

Beth, there's a table over there still waiting to give their order.

Yeah, I should really do that!

Welcome, how can I help?

Just wanted to talk to Beth, really.

Right, well I'm sure I can help with anything she can?

Well, I was about to ask her out on a date.

Oh, right, um...

I'll get her for you.

Er, Beth, I'll take this order.

Why don't you serve the other customer?

Um, Poppy...

..there's something you should really know.

I might not be...

..quite as gay as I seemed.

The way you kissed me

there's no mistaking.

Really?

Look, everyone is somewhere on a sexual continuum,

-and it's scary taking that next step.

-Right.

That's why it's really important you do it with someone you trust.

And I'm so glad you picked me.

The thing is that...

Shh, shh, shh.

Don't say anything.

This is too perfect.

We are going out tonight, I know this great place!

I...I think Nigel needs me to work tonight.

Hmm? No, nope, I'm fine.

Oh, great!

See you there at six!

Great!

Yeah...

..definitely.

Yep, bye.

Laura, hi.

I'm not going to make a scene

because this is your place of work.

OK, good to know.

The last time I saw you, I was a bit on the back foot.

I think that was because I was just surprised

to see a strange woman holding my baby.

I'm not that strange.

Well, that's debatable, isn't it?

Anyhow, I am in a better frame of mind now.

Oh, good.

Because now I realise you're an arch, little bitch.

No, I'm not, actually an arch, little bitch.

I'm just someone who actually knows what she wants.

Yes, someone else's family.

If you're trying to make me feel guilty, I'm sorry, I just don't!

You don't feel guilty about wrecking our relationship?

Er, you wrecked the relationship.

You were looking for an out, I gave it to you.

I wasn't looking for an out!

Everyone's better off!

I'm happy, Jamie's definitely happy,

and you don't have to worry any more about not appreciating him.

I did appreciate him!

Na, I don't think you did.

The point is I want him, you don't.

You don't even know what you're talking about!

Go on, say it, say you want him?

I...I...

Er, sorry, I can't hear it!

I am not just going to perform like...

"I'm not going to perform like..."

God, you can't even say it to me never mind him.

Look, you have no right...!

Bzzzzzz! Oh, sorry Laura,

you're too late!

The market moves on!

So, what, you're gazumping me?

OK, yes, if you like.

I have a better offer in place, and I am ready to move.

Look, Laura, Jamie isn't interested in you anymore.

He's moved on.

Well, if that's what you have to tell yourself so that you can sleep at night...

Haven't actually been sleeping that much...

But, hey, what my boyfriend

and I get up to is really none of your business.

PHONE RINGS

Then she starts talking,

and suddenly she's in my mouth!

It's like you're doing it deliberately now!

I'm not!

It's like I can't get her not to want me.

Weird!

You alienate girls all the time!

How do you do it so consistently?

I dunno...

I mean, she'd reject you in an instant.

Hmm...

EARPIECE: This is Puppet Master to Pinocchio.

Testing, testing?

I can hear you!

Stop blowing in my ear!

Sorry!

And don't call me Pinocchio. It's really annoying.

And I don't even have a big nose.

Shut up! It's go time!

Hi!

Nice!

WHISPERING: Shut up!

OK, so...

..the witch gave the Prince a poisoned orange,

which made him forget about the Princess and fall in love with her instead!

I know what a bitch!

Oh, I'm sorry, it's just that you should really read this!

DOOR OPENS

How did it go?

Yeah, fine, yeah.

Isabel explained everything.

Jamie, is an idiot

for shagging that manipulative, little slut!

He has fallen right into her trap!

And that's because he was thinking with his...

-Yes, well I'm not going to say "penis" in front of my daughter.

-Well you just did,

-and slut and shag.

-I'm very stressed.

And you also said "trap", which I think is worse.

-I'm going to call him!

-No!

You're probably right, but I don't think that telling him he's an idiot is going to help anything.

It'll help me!

No, I mean, what if he's got a reason that he's acting like this?

Maybe he's been given a poisoned orange?

I'm just saying you don't know what's going on in his life.

Maybe he's hurt and he's trying to get back at you?

Well, now I'm going to get back at him! Give me the phone!

No, trust me! I know what I'm talking about!

You're shagging your tutor to improve your grades.

Of course you don't know what you're talking about!

-Now give it to me!

-No!

Then I'm just going to go and see him!

You can't stop me doing that!

BABY CRIES

So, what do you want to do after this?

I have a friend in this play.

It's a monologue about female circumcision.

Oh, that sounds...

Awful!

Erm...

Say it, Beth! If you want her off your case.

That sounds awful.

I know, the plight of these women!

No! Tell her you mean the play sounds awful!

It's a really important two hours of drama.

Two hours?! Jesus, get the hell out of there!

No, I mean the play sounds like...

Like it's going to be a fucking snorefest!

Like it's going to be...

a fucking snorefest.

OK, so what do you want to do?

There's this gallery...

No!

No, not that!

Three words. Transformers. Box. Set.

We could watch the transformers movies?

Aren't they about robots or something?

Er....

Yes! They're robots that are at war with each other.

Except they're cars and...

..planes and things as well.

Right.

That's the clever thing about it.

That they're cars?

And because they transform...

It gives you literally limitless narrative possibilities.

Because anything might be a robot.

Yeah, maybe not that.

OK, OK, I've got a good one.

Say, "Why don't we drink Jeagermeister until we can't feel our faces and then..."

..try and complete Grand Theft Auto in one sitting?

Why would you want to play Grand Theft Auto?

Why would I want to play Grand Theft Auto?

Why would I want to play Grand Theft Auto?

Duh, because you can nick cars!

..and commit crimes for money.

You can literally...

..beat up prostitutes with a baseball bat...

..and steal their cash.

That is appalling!

OK, now bring it home!

Tell her that beating up hookers is a deal breaker.

If you don't like the idea of beating up hookers,

then maybe we don't have that much in common after all.

Bingo!

OK, Beth, I think I know what's going on here.

You do?

We're burned! She's on to us!

Abort, abort!

You don't really mean any of those things you said, do you?

Yes, I...

No, no, you don't.

I know you're scared,

but you can't let other people's judgements hold you back.

I don't care what other people think!

I just don't think I'm gay!

Have you ever tried it?

Well, no.

Then how would you know?

I don't, it's just...

What? Not as valid as a heterosexual relationship?

No, it's just as valid!

Is it me?

Do you not like me?

No.

I think you're great!

So, I'm not pretty enough for you?

You're very pretty! You're beautiful!

It's just...

You don't like gay people?

Because really,

that's all that's left, isn't it?

SHE SOBS

'And then, the nightingale said,

"Nothing matters without love."

I know, I know!

SHE SIGHS

That talking bird is right!

Oh, It's just hard you know!

Because what if I've missed my Pauper Prince?

What if all that's left out there is just frogs and trolls?!

All right, all right.

I'm going to do it!

SHE SIGHS

WHISPERING: I can't shake her off!

Yeah, I think you're going to have to sleep with her.

I'm not going to sleep with her!

She's got you!

Like she said, you either boff her, or admit you're an intolerant,

uptight, sex fascist.

Yeah. That's it!

That's exactly what she's saying!

Yes.

I'm going back in!

Beth! Beth, your Bluetooth!

So, should we just get out of here?

No, I don't think so.

Oh, come on, Beth, we both know this is happening.

No! It's not happening.

You know I liked you but I never fancied you,

and there's a big difference.

Beth!

I can't let you do this!

I'm not doing this.

You brought Mark?

Mike!

Beth, you're coming with me!

No, I'm not.

Come on, you know she's just a side show.

Deep down you are still crazy about me!

It's fine, I've got this!

No! It's either her, or me!

Is this guy serious?

This guy...

..is the guy that she really cares about.

I doubt that

Tell her, Beth.

Tell her I'm the only one you've ever slept with.

Is that true?

Technically...

Ha, wow,

I see why you're questioning your sexuality.

You know what, Poppy? I'm not!

And I know we're all on a continuum,

and maybe I'll turn out to be gay.

But right now, I'm just not gay for you!

Come on Beth, we don't need her!

Get off!

I'm not gay for you either!

KETTLE BOILS

You should have called.

I would have called, but I...

I don't want to talk.

Look, Jamie,

I know you're angry with me.

But I...

I really cannot believe that you would have sex with bitch

just to get back at me!

It wasn't anything to do with you!

Anyway, what difference does it make why it happened? It happened.

But she played us off against each other! She's manipulating you!

-No, she's not!

-But...

But what? Do you want us to get back together?

Do you want me to move in with you?

What happened to, "When you're ready to join me just let me know?"

I got sick of waiting.

I guess there's nothing else to say.

I've moved on, you don't want to.

I'm just surprised that you're letting yourself be a victim.

I'm not a victim.

Yes, you are! She obviously gets off on stealing other people's men!

That is the only reason she is being so nice to you

and having sex with you!

Yeah, God, what a bitch!

How can I possibly stop her from being nice to me

and sleeping with me?

But it's all about her, it's not about you!

Right, so I should just dump this girl who makes me feel happy,

and go back to waiting for you to decide

whether you can stand being in the same room as me?

Yes! Yes, that's exactly what you should do!

Are you actually showing me the door?

Looks that way, doesn't it?

No, you're not listening!

I don't want to be with you anymore.

PHONE: Why not? Is there someone else?

No, there's no one else. I...

Then why?

Because, Adrian, I deserve better!

Now piss off, and leave me alone!

I can't believe you're...

Damn straight!

It's over.

It's really over.

Oh!

I'm sorry,

I'm really sorry.

Mum! Bloody hell! You're back!

Well, it's lovely to see you too, darling!

Who'll start the bidding on this...

young lady?

Hey, listen,

I don't even care how hot you are.

Oh, my God.

Why don't you love me?