Enchanted Picnic Pramface

-You are still crazy about me.

-I'm not.

You know I love you both very much.

It's only your father I can't stand.

This marriage is officially over.

Look, Laura, Jamie isn't interested in you any more. He's moved on.

It's really over.

Oh!

-Morning, handsome.

-Morning.

I made you breakfast.

Oh, thanks. It's...

-It's you.

-It's a fried version of me.

You shouldn't have.

Oh, it's fine. I love having you here.

It definitely beats being in a caravan.

You know you can stay over even when we don't...

Oh, I hope you don't think that... Cos I'm not like that.

No, no. I'm just saying it's cool.

Oh, OK. Cool.

Mm.

So, what are we doing tonight?

I'm working late tonight then I'm looking after Emily for a couple of hours.

Emily again?

-What? Is that not...?

-Oh, no, it's fine.

I just thought we might do something different.

We could go to yours. I'd love to meet your parents.

Maybe we can all have dinner or something?

Er, yeah, if you want to eat Super Noodles next to a chemical toilet.

There you go again, backing off.

What? I'm not.

I feel like you're tucking me away in a box separate from everything else in your life.

You're compartmentalising me.

I'm not. I don't compartmentalise. I don't even have a pants drawer.

You come here after work, I cook for you,

we have sex and then you leave again.

Sometimes I feel like you're only staying here because you hate the caravan so much.

Well, that's not true.

I mean, I do hate the caravan but...

Look, tomorrow I'll get the night off.

We'll go out on a proper date and we won't have any sex.

I promise.

OK. Good.

Now eat your face before it gets cold.

Women for women against poverty, AIDS and domestic abuse.

Ooh, catchy(!)

Um, Madam, hi.

-Can I talk to you about female genital mutilation?

-No.

Yeah, that's right. Walk away.

Feminism has got you this far so just kick everyone else to the curb.

Beth, what are you doing?

Appealing to her conscience, not that she has one.

I mean, it's such a nice day, why are you wasting your time collecting for the college charity?

I'm not wasting my time. What happened to social responsibility?

What these women really need is...

-Is what?

-Wells and stuff.

Hey, you must be Beth.

Hi. I must be. Um, I am.

So I'm Ben, I'm coordinating the collection today.

Oh, OK, great.

It's nice to see you getting stuck in.

Yeah, well, thanks. I mean, I love women.

Not in that way. I mean, like, just poor ones.

Yeah, I love poor women too.

Yeah, I love women too. We all love women, so why don't you just...?

OK, great. So I think we've been stationed outside Marks & Spencer's.

OK, cool. Er, that wasn't my boyfriend.

-No?

-Just in case you were wondering.

-I wasn't.

-OK.

Mum! Bloody hell!

Well, it's lovely to see you too, darling.

-You're back?

-Yes, of course I am.

I'm not going to let your father divorce me behind my back, am I?

-Well, can I come in?

-Of course. But are you staying with me?

I thought it'd be fun.

It'll give me a chance to look after my little girl.

-Here, take my bags.

-Oh, OK.

And you can put them...

Mm, put them in the bedroom.

And you can have this lovely big living room.

Thanks.

-You know Nicola's single now?

-Nicola who?

Nicola Berry, my mate.

I was talking to her about your friend Mike

and I thought maybe we should bring them along tomorrow night, make it a double date.

Oh, no, no. She wouldn't like him.

Come on. I bet he's hot, clever, sophisticated.

Are you worried I might like him better than you?

Er, no, that's not it.

Because I only have eyes for you.

No, Isabel, seriously, it's a bad idea.

You know, you keep making excuses, Jamie.

Every time I try bringing us closer together, you keep pulling away.

That's not... I don't.

I just want to be part of your life, you know?

-OK, fine. I'll bring Mike.

-Oh, yes!

Support women. Please, ladies, support all women. Um, sir?

Did you know that just a one-off donation could provide...

So you won't spend two quid on a refuge shelter but you'll waste three on a sausage roll?

-Hi.

-Hey, Ben.

-Hey, Beth, how are you doing over here?

Yeah, really good. I'm loving it here. You know, on the front line, getting in their faces.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

I wonder if maybe we might need to tweak your technique a tiny bit?

You seem a bit tense and you're frowning a lot.

Aha! We just need a bit more positivity.

Yeah, absolutely.

And it's weird because I'm usually such a positive person, and fun.

But also very deep and passionate. I think it's because I care...

I'm going to get Lily to talk to you. She's one of our top fundraisers. You'll love her. Lily?

-Hey, Benny.

-This is Beth. She's new.

She'd love you to give her a few pointers. (Please.)

-Of course I can, Benny. Can you take my bucket?

-Of course.

Bye.

So the first thing to remember about fundraising is

people aren't interested in charity. They're interested in you.

So think of a fake compliment to hook them in, like,

"That is such a gorgeous sweater!"

-We both know I'm lying but you're still listening.

-Right.

Also try, like, a half-smile

so it's clear you're sad for the orphans

-but also experienced sexually.

-Does that actually work?

Oh, yeah, every time.

-You're late.

-I'm two minutes late. She was napping.

Oh, great, so she won't sleep through tonight then. Thanks, Jamie.

You're welcome.

So you've got her from four tomorrow, right?

-Actually I can't tomorrow.

-What are you doing?

Going out with Isabel.

Um, what am I supposed to tell our child?

"I'm sorry Daddy can't look after you. He's too busy having sex with his slut."

She's not a slut. She's an estate agent.

She can be both. And we need to talk about money.

-What about money?

-You should be making a monthly maintenance payment.

Why would I need to do that?

Because tarty girlfriends are expensive

-and I don't want you blowing all Emily's money on bimbo gifts.

-But...

I will draw up some figures and I will let you know what I expect.

Finally heard from Janet's lawyer. She's stalling on every detail.

It's like she's trying to eek it out to punish you.

Now where's my shoe?

Thanks. It must have been when I um...

Yeah. Impressive flexibility, by the way.

Maybe if I spoke to her direct it might speed things along a little?

I strongly discourage you from contacting her.

Perhaps if we gave a little ground, it might help us get this over and done with.

You know what she's like. You show any weakness

and she'll seize on it like a lion on a baby gazelle.

You must remember that from your marriage.

-You have to trust your lawyer, Alan.

-Huh.

Right, 7:15. So what was that? About 40 minutes?

I'll round it up to the hour.

Sorry, are you charging me for this?

If I didn't charge you, people would get suspicious and I don't want to look unprofessional.

-But the full hour?

-It wasn't my choice to stop when we did.

I would have been very happy to carry on for another 20 minutes.

So would I but then you did that thing with your flexibility.

Very tough negotiator, aren't you?

That's what you pay me for.

Now get out of here before I tip you into the next hour.

Hm.

So, um, on the house contents issue.

I've got a list. It's not in here.

-It was in here.

-Never mind that.

Did you lodge my request for a more specific breakdown of Alan's finances?

Yes. And they didn't feel that it was appropriate.

I know you need the money, but I just don't think it's worth

the heartache for the difference it'll make to the settlement.

And that's your professional opinion, is it?

I've found that drawn-out entrenched negotiations

don't generally benefit the client.

Perhaps that's because you're the one who's been carrying out these negotiations.

Speaking just as a human and not as a lawyer,

why spend all that time stuck in a room with someone you can't stand?

Wouldn't it be better to just give some ground and get it over with?

No. Mustn't show any weakness.

And from now on, please don't try speaking to me as a human again.

-How's the sexual exploitation of women going?

-Awful.

BUCKET RATTLES

And that's not even money, that's a breath mint.

Oh, Beth, just forget it. Why don't you come back to mine?

I've got FIFA 13 and some scotch eggs.

We could microwave them, make it a bit exotic. Mmm.

Wow. And no.

-Oh.

-I can't give up. Not until I've beaten Lily.

It's so unfair.

I care so much more than she does but she's making all the money.

You know she pole danced on the fourth plinth for Women's Aid?

Well, you could do that. You've just got to work on your core muscles.

-Not my point.

-Hey, Beth.

-Hey.

Glad you had that chat with Lily. God, she's great, isn't she?

Charming, friendly, charismatic.

Bendy.

Yeah, she's great.

And she's put herself up for the slave auction tomorrow.

I've never met anyone so selflessly generous.

What is it? What's the thing?

It's at college. Highest bidder wins a date.

You have to be their slave for the evening.

Lily is going to make a mint.

-I'll do it.

-Really?

Yeah, I'll do anything to end the sexual exploitation of women. Anything.

Yeah, OK, sure.

Yeah, we've got to consider a wide range of budgets.

Yeah, the more the merrier.

Hm, so you're going to stop the sexual exploitation of woman

by literally selling yourself to the highest bidder?

I'm aware of the irony.

Look, Beth, it's my duty as man friend,

to point out that Ben might have other motives.

I mean, what if he's trying to lure you there to take advantage of you sexually?

Do you think he might?

So is there no room for movement here?

-Well, I am prepared to consider...

-Absolutely none.

And I'm amazed you think you're in any position to negotiate.

Your client abandoned her husband while he was still recovering from a serious head injury.

He was better.

She packed her bags, hopped on a plane,

and shortly after landing began an extramarital affair.

Well, that's something of a mischaracterisation.

No, that's a list of facts.

Be that as it may, we really must insist on

-at least the early liquidation of the shared assets.

-Why?

If my client is to re-establish her base over here she'll need funds.

-So you're coming back?

-I may be considering it.

Your client's housing crisis is not our problem.

-Yes, it is.

-I do not have a housing crisis.

-Not that she has a housing crisis.

-Then why does she need the funds?

She doesn't.

Then what's the problem?

I'm sorry, Hugh, were you not in the same room?

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

-Because to me it seemed like a bloody disaster.

-Sh!

-What's the matter?

-I'm trying to get Emily off to sleep.

I have to go.

Is it really worth all this, Mum?

Absolutely. These are the final exchanges of our marriage

and I'm damned if I'm going to lose at the last moment.

Oh, didn't realise marriage was something you won or lost.

Well, that's because you've never been married.

Anyway, I thought it was Jamie's night?

Oh, yeah, it is but he's seeing his girlfriend.

You see, that is exactly the problem.

We are stuck here holding the baby

while Jamie and your father are out having sex.

I for one don't intend to let them get away with it.

I can't believe that you are.

I don't want to do it.

All right, seriously, I need this double date to go well.

-What's the matter with you?

-I'm having woman pains.

I don't think that means what you think it means.

What is it?

-It's Beth.

-What about Beth?

She's been fawning over this stupid guy

and it's disgusting what I have to put up with.

OK, can you just make an effort for me?

He's not even that good looking

and she thinks he's this deep charity guy but he's just a dick.

Not that I care, obviously. I mean, she can do what she wants.

That's the spirit. My advice is to just move on.

Oh, and if you could move on in the next five minutes, you'd do me a real favour.

Hiya. Hiya.

-Looks like they're really hitting it off.

-Does it?

-Yeah.

Think you might have to thank me in the best man speech.

And do you know what is disgusting?

-When women degrade themselves for men.

-Absolutely.

When they change their entire persona just to please someone else.

God, why aren't more men like you?

Like, sometimes, I want to be appreciated for my brains

not just for looking hot.

Hey, listen. I don't even care how hot you are.

Oh, my God.

Isabel? Um, I'm just...

So? Seems to be going very well, doesn't it?

Do you think you'll get another date out of it?

Don't know. Don't really care.

What? Why? She's hot.

Is she? I didn't notice.

Can't remember what her face looks like. Can't even remember her boobs.

-Seriously, what's wrong with you?

-I don't know.

It's just I'm not bothered about seeing her again. I don't...

I don't fancy her, Jamie.

-Bye, Nicola.

-Bye.

Such a shame Mike couldn't come back. They were really hitting it off.

Yeah, pity.

She really wants another date. Isn't that great?

Your friends, my friends, getting friendly.

Yeah. Are you sure she's just not being nice?

For God's sake, Jamie, what's your problem?

-Don't you want our friends to get on?

-No. Yes!

Look, to be honest, when I talked to Mike he just didn't seem to fancy her.

What do you mean he didn't fancy her? Nicola's easily an eight.

She's a nine in some places.

Whereas Mike's, like, a drunk four.

I don't know what it is.

But they were getting on before you talked to him.

-What did you say to him?

-Nothing.

-I can't believe you'd sabotage this.

-I didn't.

All I want is for you to give this relationship a chance.

But no. You don't even value me at all, do you?

Why don't you love me?

So I asked around and apparently the affair ended very messily.

So it's definitely over then, is it?

Yes. She's broke and getting desperate.

-Poor Janet.

-Yeah, poor Janet(!)

We're going to grill the bitch. Cheers.

-Morning, handsome.

-Morning.

I'm really sorry about last night.

I'm not usually this insecure. I just really like you.

Forgive me? I could make it up to you tonight.

-I could do that thing you like where I...

-No.

I'm looking after Emily this evening. I switched nights, remember?

Maybe you could bring her here.

We could have a quiet night in, just the three of us.

You want to spend the night babysitting?

She's an important part of your life and I want to get to know her.

OK. That's nice, I guess.

Yeah.

And I promise I won't pin her in a corner and scream at her.

OK.

Heart.

-So just to check, you're not going to agree to point five?

-No.

We're not agreeing to any point.

And point five would be one of those.

Well, I don't think that's going to be acceptable to my client.

Right, Janet?

Well, Hugh, your client isn't exactly on the moral or legal high ground here.

We know that she's been personally and professionally humiliated

and clearly doesn't even have the funds to afford decent council.

Why prolong her misery?

Yes, all right, Sally. That's enough, thank you.

We agree to all Janet's demands.

No, we don't. Alan, I advise you to just...

Yes, thank you for your advice. We're done here now.

Fine. I'll have the papers drawn up for signature.

Well, that went pretty well, I think.

Really pulled it round there at the end.

-What?

-Nice to see you too. It's my night, remember?

Oh, right, yeah.

We're going to Aunty Isabel's, aren't we?

Oh, no, you're not.

Yes, we are. Aunty Isabel wants to see you.

-Isn't that exciting?

-No.

I'm not happy with Emily spending time with Isabel.

She doesn't need some strange woman waltzing into her life.

In fact, I hereby ban you from seeing them together.

-You can't ban me.

-Yes, I can. I just did.

Laura!

Alan? Alan I er...

I just wanted to thank you for taking the higher ground.

Not a place I'm used to.

-Your lawyer didn't seem very pleased.

-She'll get over it.

You see, Alan, the affair...

Well, I don't want to say that we're even

but for what it's worth, I forgive you.

And I hope that eventually you'll be able to forgive me too.

Seems like a fair settlement.

And she is sold for £65 to the gentleman in denim.

APPLAUSE

Oh God, this was a mistake.

Don't worry. You look totally affordable.

Next up we have tonight's big draw.

Everyone put your hands together for Lily.

THEY CHEER

So, Lily, tell us a little bit about yourself.

Well, a few fun reasons you should bid on me tonight.

First of all, I am a fully qualified masseuse.

WHOOPING

I nearly represented the US in the 2012 Olympics

as a member of the rhythmic gymnastics squad,

but had to drop out as my moves were considered too distractingly sexual.

And a fun fact about me is that I reject the social convention of underwear.

So, who'll start the bidding on Lily?

-£20.

-30.

-50.

-50?

-80.

-I have 80.

-90.

-100!

£100. Oh, I can't let you go for that.

150. Sold! To me.

Oh, and also Beth.

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Um, hello.

MICROPHONE WHISTLES

My name is Beth.

I'm passionate about helping people less fortunate than myself...

..by providing them with the tools they need to make an effective change.

Um, microfinancing...

So who will start the bidding on this young lady?

Remember, she comes with a drinks voucher worth £10.

£5.

£5. Any advance on five?

Right, £5, anyone?

All right, every little helps. I'm selling her at five.

600!

Sold to that guy. Congratulations.

I'm sorry, Beth, I couldn't bear to stay at home

while these animals scrabbled around,

fighting over your body like you're just a sexy piece of... ham.

-Mike...

-No, Beth, no.

You deserve someone who's going to appreciate you for who you really are,

not when you're pretending to be someone fun or charismatic or nice.

I mean when you're being yourself.

I just want to give you a really special evening, Beth.

Even if it's just as friends.

Now, come on. Let's get you out of here.

I am going to buy you a bucket of boneless chicken.

Don't applaud.

I don't want your pity.

Stand aside.

Where are you going to find that kind of cash?

-Well, I thought we could go halvsies.

-No way!

What? Come on, I thought modern women were all about splitting the bill.

There's got to be some advantages to feminism.

God, my arms are killing. Have you put on weight?

Ow!

Bloody walk yourself.

SHE GIGGLES

-What is this?

-Surprise!

Wow! This is really...

-Magical, isn't it?

-Yeah.

So, welcome, fair knight.

Oh, OK.

-This is for you.

-Oh.

It's for a 12-year-old but I thought you could leave the Velcro open.

So where's Emily?

Hm? Oh, Emily? Yeah, she couldn't make it.

What do you mean she couldn't make it?

Oh, I'm sorry. But hey, I'm free this evening

so why don't we go somewhere a little less enchanted grotto-y?

Maybe go out somewhere?

Dressed like this? Are you mentally ill?

No. You could change.

Ugh! I don't want to.

I'm trying to make a genuine connection with you

-and you're just crapping all over my enchanted picnic.

-I'm not.

Look, Isabel, it's all Laura's fault. She said...

Oh, it's always someone else's fault.

How much of an idiot do you think I am, Jamie?

I don't think you're an idiot. And this picnic's lovely. Although...

-Shouldn't they really be dwarves?

-What?

Well, it's just that princesses don't really go with teddy bears.

I mean, if you were Goldilocks and there were fewer bears...

Oh, I'm sorry. Is my picnic not factually accurate enough for you?

I only spent the last nine and a half hours putting this together.

But yeah, you're right! It's not good enough.

I tell you what? Why don't I get rid of some of these bears for a start?

Ow. OK. Isabel don't take it out on the other guests.

Oh, and we won't need all these cupcakes, will we?

No, no, no. Ow! OK. Those cupcakes are hard. Ow!

Oh, so I can't even bake now?

No, no, they're light as air. Light as air. Look, light as air.

Ah! There she is!

Jeez, Evelyn, what are you doing here?

I thought I'd surprise you what with it being Emily's birthday party and all.

-Jamie, you're such a nice guy.

-Oh, yeah, that's me.

I'm not just going to ditch her.

-Well, you say it's not her, it's you. You've changed.

-Yes.

More specifically, you've changed into someone who can't stand the sight of her.