Kiss for the Camera Pramface

We are holding the baby while Jamie and your father are out having sex.

There's just something about you, Beth!

You don't even value me at all, do you?

-Why don't you love me?

-Ah...

Ah! There she is!

Jeez, Evelyn, what are you doing here?

Well, I thought I'd surprise you,

what with it being Emily's birthday party and all.

-KEITH:

-Oh, Christ, not her.

Does he know I can hear him?

The walls are paper-thin, Keith!

And of course, I wanted to see this lovely caravan

I've been hearing all about.

-Is this it?

-Yeah. It's nothing special.

I'm sure it's a palace.

All right, Evelyn.

All right, Keith, you little tinker, you.

And I'm not just saying that because of the caravan.

I understand that's your profession now - tinkering.

I'm the maintenance manager, actually.

Ah, good for you, dressing it up like that.

I'm sure it's great and very satisfying,

making things work and fixing things and generally just...

tinkering with stuff.

Yeah. We don't really have the space

-to put you up here, Evelyn, so...

-No.

Oh, don't worry, I've booked myself a caravan on the site.

Anyway, let's get the kettle on.

I'm assuming ye have kettles in these ones?

Of course we have a kettle.

All mod cons.

Oh, my! Is this thing level?

It feels very wonky to me.

Never mind, Keith can tinker with it later.

Sorry, Keith, I mean you can do "maintenance manager" on it later.

-I just don't think people are ready to believe we're going out.

-Ah!

So you admit it! I knew it! I knew we were.

Look, our relationship...

A-ha! I knew this was a relationship!

Sorry.

Our relationship is in a very early stage.

Like the honeymoon period?

More like animal testing before human trials.

-You're against animal testing.

-Not as an analogy.

Look, this is a trial period, OK?

If this doesn't work out, I want to be able to revert to normal

without any mess or explanations.

Can we at least, like, hold hands?

OK.

-Hiya!

-All right, how's it going?

Isabel is driving me nuts. She's getting really clingy.

Tell me about it. It's a nightmare, innit?

I mean, I imagine... if you're not with the right woman.

EMILY CRIES

Oh, come on, yeah, we can't be having this, can we?

It's your birthday soon!

Shh!

JANET SOBS

Oh, come on, we can't be having this, can we?

You'll have to cheer up for Emily's birthday.

Nobody wants to see you crying on her birthday, do they?

It's just...so unfair.

-Your father and...

-LAURA SIGHS

Well, I always thought we'd just find a way to fix things.

Despite everything, some really good things came out of our relationship.

We had some wonderful times together,

amazing holidays, lovely house...

and you, of course, Laura!

Fourth on the list! I'm very flattered.

-I was working chronologically.

-EMILY CRIES

Oh, darling, do try and do something about her crying.

It really is very distressing...

Yeah! I can imagine.

PHONE RINGS

Her again! It's getting claustrophobic.

So, just break up with her and move on to the next one.

I'm not the "next one" sort of guy.

Maybe you should be. You could do with a bit more screwing around,

playing in the field.

You mean playing THE field.

Whatever gets you off.

Look, Isabel was what you needed at the time.

-Now just ditch her and move on.

-I'm not just going to just ditch her.

Might be best in the long run, you know.

I mean, you don't want to get stuck in some 20-year relationship

just going through the motions.

-I'll leave you to it, then.

-OK.

So you're just going to keep on exploiting her, then, are you?

I'm not exploiting her.

Look, I don't blame you.

It's convenient having her place to crash at.

-It's not like that.

-How is it not like that?

You're living in her flat, you're having sex in her bed,

-and you don't really like her.

-I'm not... I do like her.

We're just seeing where things go.

So do you think she might be the one?

Of course she's not...the one.

Just, at the moment, with the caravan and...

Oh, God. I am exploiting her.

Yep.

I have to dump her.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, God, it's Laura.

-Hello.

-'Jamie, hi.'

I was thinking about our arrangements with Emily.

Laura, you can't keep changing the schedule.

No. Uh, no, I was thinking that maybe I've been too regimented.

So, um, whenever you want to see her...

'..it's fine.'

OK. That's great.

-'We just need to be able to get on, for her sake.'

-Right.

It's not fair on a kid getting the fall-out from fighting parents.

SHE BLOWS PARTY HOOTER

I want us to be friends too.

I just want a fresh start. I've applied to do a course, too.

Yeah? Great, where at?

Oh, Open University, just from home.

Oh. So I won't be able to follow you around the country,

-stalking you, then?

-No, no.

So don't come running after me, telling me you'll never let me go!

No.

'I won't.'

No.

'Hey. Er...'

Why don't you ask Isabel to the party too?

Oh, I don't think Isabel would want to come.

-(No way!)

-'Don't worry, I'm cool with it. It's the new me.'

Yeah, I still don't think she'd...

I insist you ask her.

OK, I'll ask her.

'OK.'

-Bye.

-'Bye.'

But it's such a step down, isn't it?

Even from your old house.

Actually, Evelyn, we love it here, don't we, San?

Mmm. It's...

nice.

Yeah, it's not big and it's not flashy,

but we have achieved perfect relaxation.

-RADIO:

-'Keith, I need you in number 11 as soon as you can, please.'

'Keith? Keith?'

Yes, I'm on it.

I see you've not signed them yet.

Mm-hmm.

As your lawyer, I advise you to just get it over with.

Yep.

Need a pen?

No, I'll get to it later.

Luke's back tonight.

My son, Luke.

-Oh, Luke.

-Yeah.

-Right.

Well, say hello from me.

You can say hello yourself, he's very excited to meet you.

I can't imagine anyone being very excited to meet me.

Well, he is.

You can bring the divorce papers over at the same time.

Oh, look, here's a pen.

Can't we just wait for the ambulance?

There's nothing the ambulance can do for this one.

FLIES BUZZ Come on, give us a hand.

Well, why do we need to lift him out?

Cos we don't want people thinking he died in the caravan.

Yes, but he did die in the caravan.

Yeah, but not because of the caravan.

It gives the wrong impression.

Where we going to take him?

There's a deckchair in the woods,

we'll bung him in that, say we found him there.

Oh, I dunno. Seems a bit wrong.

-Nah, don't worry, it's very peaceful. Very dignified up there.

-Yeah?

-Afternoon.

-Hiya.

-Yeah, hiya.

Hey, you.

Hi.

Do you fancy a coffee?

It's just I really wanted to talk to you.

Can we talk later? I'm just having a really bad day here.

Right. How bad exactly?

What do you mean?

Well, is it like a bit of a bad day,

or is it like a "can't take any more bad news" sort of...bad day?

A sale's just fallen through

and I've lost, like, two properties to another agency.

How come?

Clients are just saying they prefer the other place.

Hmm, that's quite bad.

I mean, why don't they want me?!

I don't know.

What's wrong with me? Am I that unlikable?

No. No, of course not.

You're likeable.

I mean, you're...great.

Sorry, what did you want to talk about?

Oh. It's Emily's birthday party...

-Oh.

-Yeah. Thought you probably wouldn't want to go, so...

I want to go. Of course I want to go.

What sort of message would it send if I didn't go to the party?

I don't think it'd send any message.

I'm coming.

Great. Great.

-HE GROANS

-Wow!

You're like a genius at this, aren't you?

I just couldn't do it.

It's too sudden. I have to prepare her for it.

By inviting her to a party. Good one(!)

It's just picking the right moment.

Yeah, sometime in your mid-30s?

There you go. On the house.

Uh, since when?

I'm building customer loyalty.

-But they're always in here.

-So it's working.

Didn't you get me anything?

Why would I get you anything?

Well, cos we're...

That's what friends do.

But traditionally I don't get you drinks.

It would be weird if I started now, for no reason.

Hmm, good point.

What the hell is wrong with you two? You're both acting really weird.

Nothing!

Nothing.

I've seen the caravan park now

and, despite you putting a brave face on it, it's clear to me it's a dump.

-It's not a dump.

-Good God, woman, would you listen to yourself?

You're defending this place.

It's only a stopgap until we get back on our feet.

And how you going to do that exactly, on Keith's handyman's wages?

We'll find a way.

And that's what I'm here to offer you. Financial assistance.

You'd do that?

Of course. You're my sister.

Jesus, Evelyn, thanks!

I'll expect a full financial breakdown and recovery plan.

I suppose we could do that.

I'll also expect a fortnightly report on Keith's search for work.

Proper work, not this paid-hobby business.

I don't know how he'll feel about that.

Just think of yourselves as a tiny, failed European country

who's acted irresponsibly and lost everything.

And I'm like a big friendly Germany,

enormous, powerful, fiscally responsible,

and expecting to see something from my investment.

No. No way. If we do this, she'll have exactly what she wants,

-total control over us.

-It won't be like that.

Face it, Keith, it's our only way out of this place.

I am not doing it.

-I'm not selling my soul to her.

-She's the only one buying.

-RADIO CRACKLES

-Hang on a sec.

-Hello?

-'All right, Keith?'

I've got work to do, OK? See you in a bit.

'Get over here to number 15.'

It's not another code five, is it?

'I wish. This one's very much alive. She's got a long list of complaints.'

MENACING VIDEO GAME MUSIC AND SCREAMING

CLASHING AND SCREAMING

What? What's wrong?

It just makes it all seem a bit...ominous.

Well, just ignore it.

SCREAMING

Can't you just have it a little bit lower, darling?!

No!

Well, can't you use the lovely headphones I bought you?

No, they're crap! I wanted Beats.

SCREAMING AND CLASHING

Darling, please!

We're trying to watch MasterChef.

Then why did you have your tongue down his throat, Mother?

Shall I go?

No. We can't let him think this behaviour works.

It sort of is working, though, isn't it?

We just have to get through the holidays, then he's back at school

and we've got the whole place to ourselves.

That school is a life-saver.

Just a shame the fees are so excruciating.

MUSIC AND SCREAMING

Well, I'm sure it's excellent value.

MUSIC: "The Winner takes It All" by Abba

Ahh, balloons.

Nice.

I... I thought I'd make a start with decorations.

Try and cheer myself up.

Doesn't seem to be really doing the trick...

Look, I know it must be really hard right now,

but maybe in the long run it'll be for the best, you know?

You were making each other really unhappy.

Darling, I know you're trying to be helpful,

but you can't possibly understand how this feels.

Actually, I sort of can.

You don't know what it's like

to be with somebody you actually care about.

Yes, I do.

Who?

Jamie.

I really cared about Jamie.

-Really?

-Yes.

And like you, I blew it

and it's too late now,

so I'm being positive and I'm moving on.

I've even applied to do a course.

Really? You never told me.

Well, that's because you've been too busy

weeping over the party decorations.

And quite frankly, I think it's time you pulled yourself together.

-Hiya.

-All right, Sandra.

I'd offer you some tea, but there's no water.

-Is Keith here?

-Oh, yes, he is, and it's still not sorted.

Why don't you come over to mine? It's working there.

Keith is going nowhere. He has to clean the windows, fix that blind,

and there's some mould in the shower that needs scrubbing.

He hasn't had his lunch yet. He's going to be starving.

Well, if these things had been done properly in the first place...

It's not exactly gold-star, now, is it?

I'll just go and check the stopcock in the bathroom.

Can't you just leave it? You're only here for a couple of nights.

I don't care about the caravan,

but I need to establish ground rules with Keith.

He needs to know he can't just sit around taking my money.

Do you see what I mean?

Why don't we let Keith finish up his work here

and go back to my caravan and have a little chat?

KEITH HAMMERS

Oh, and check that toilet too, Keith.

I can't be having malfunctions in the middle of the night.

"Oh, Keith, you little tinker!"

Who does she think she is?

I'll stick her in a bag and bin her.

RADIO CRACKLES

Hello.

'Keith, we've got another code five.'

Oh, God, the humanity.

'Caravan eight. It's a bit of a messy one.'

Yeah, I don't know if I can keep doing this.

'Just get over here, Keith, and bring rubber gloves.'

Oh, that's awful.

'Anyway, I'll call you later.'

-Yeah, OK. Bye.

-'Bye.'

It's my friend Stephanie. She's really upset.

What's happened?

Her boyfriend just dumped her out of the blue.

What a...

-Bastard.

-Yeah.

That's awful.

Unless, maybe,

he just couldn't find the right way to tell her before then.

That's no excuse.

More like he was exploiting her, using her for sex

and then just dumping her as soon as he's had his fun.

Yeah, that's no way to behave, is it?

-No, total bastard.

-Hmmm...

What you doing home?

Oh, I just...

Look, I just...

..wanted to see you.

Oh! Oh, that's so sweet!

Aw, Jamie, you're such a nice guy.

Ah, yeah, that's me.

DOOR OPENS

Are you all right?

Um, San, I've been thinking about Evelyn's offer.

I am so sorry the way that she's been treating you

and I totally understand, we can't take the money.

No. We have to take the money.

I can't stand it here any more.

-I thought you loved it here.

-Yeah?

Well, that was before I had to start lugging corpses all over the place.

Corpses?

It's all the old people here.

Every time there's a cold snap and one of them falls off the perch

-I have to help deal with the aftermath.

-Eurgh!

Just tell her we'll take the money.

I've already told her we don't want it.

-Then tell her we do.

-I can't.

I basically told her to stick it and she stormed off.

Evelyn!

Evelyn! Evelyn!

It's all right, Keith, it's OK.

Clear skies.

It's going to be a cold night tonight.

RAVENS CAW

-Anything I can do to help?

-No, we're all set.

Just got to pick something up from the office.

Oh, sure it can't...?

Can't. No. Back in a sec.

You realise she's not coming back.

What makes you think that?

Because this is an obvious ploy to get us alone so we'll bond.

You'll get a call in five minutes

saying something's come up and she has to stay.

She does it to all of them.

All of them?

All the men she brings in, to help out with her troubled son.

And are there a lot of...them?

Yeah.

Behavioural psychologist, who tried to fix my head.

There was a merchant banker - he paid for the ski trip.

-Has she mentioned school fees to you yet?

-Well, yes, but..

Figures.

And then there was another banker and a guy who worked in a bar.

Think that was more for her than me.

I'd say you were about sixth in the last 12 months.

That I know about.

'So, do you want to go with me to Emily's birthday party?'

OK, yeah.

As a couple?

'Yes.'

Really? That's great.

Well, I suppose no-one will suspect

two of Jamie's mates turning up at the same time.

Almost like we're not even going out.

Pick me up at two.

Wait, I think someone's coming.

Just hang up!

Look, I don't mind waiting.

'No, no, it looks like it's going to be a couple of hours at least.

-'You and Luke go ahead and start without me.'

-OK.

Well, I'll see you later, then.

So, couple of hours, is it?

Yep.

Look, Alan, you seem like a smart guy,

so I'm going to give you a chance to get out of this.

What ARE you doing?

I'm manufacturing a crime scene.

Why are you doing this?

Because I'm irredeemably bad, Alan.

I'm a hopeless case.

Unless someone wants to be my new daddy? Do you fancy that?

No.

I assume you'll want an easy out,

unless you're in love with my mother?

Well...

Thought not. Don't feel bad, she's using you too.

Well, it's very early stages of our relationship.

LUKE LAUGHS

Excuse me.

Thank you.

Now, all you have to do is tell her I kicked off

and had a massive tantrum.

You tried to talk me down,

but in the end decided it was best just to give me space.

Maybe I can actually help you, though.

Relax. I don't need help.

I'm sorted.

Now, I intend to spend the next three hours

getting stoned and playing World Of Warcraft.

I assume you don't want in on that.

Right. Well,

I wish you the very best of luck with your future endeavours, Luke.

And you.

BLENDER WHIRRS, GLASS SMASHES

I cannot believe you said he could bring his girlfriend.

Well, I'm being the bigger person.

Hmm, yeah, you say that,

but when you see them together you might just lose it and kick off.

I doubt that.

Look, your dad's here.

-Hi.

-Maybe your mum will kick off?

Nobody's going to kick off!

We are all just going to be polite

and we're going to eat mini pizzas and fruit kebabs like mature adults.

Oh, hi!

-Thanks for coming.

-What's she doing here?

I know. I just haven't found the right time yet.

Yeah, you should just keep going like this and marry her,

secretly hate her for the rest of your life.

-I could just wait until she goes off me.

-She's not going to go off you.

I'll get fat or something.

Should only take a couple of months with the right diet

-and then I'm out, clean and free.

-And fat.

Hi. You look lovely.

-I've missed you.

-Let's get you some food.

Funny, after all these weeks,

I haven't got round to signing it yet.

No. No, me neither.

After all the arguing and negotiations,

that... That little ink spot seems to make it so...

-Final.

-Exactly.

I'm glad you came, Alan.

Yes, well, I'm sure we can bear to be in the same room as each other

for a couple of hours.

Drink?

God, yes!

I'm just going to go and check on Emily.

Have you met Beth? Beth, Isabel.

I'm Jamie's girlfriend.

Yes! Yes, he's, uh, said a lot about you.

-All good, I hope?

-Uh...

Um, oh, have you met my boyfriend Mike?

Yes, we've met.

Hello again.

He thought my friend Nicola wasn't good enough for him.

I'm just going to go over there and check on...

No, you can stay with us and chat.

So how you been?

Right.

Wait, hold on, hold on.

20 quid? Are you sure?

Yes. It's Paul Arnold, number 17.

Hypothermia.

He left us 200 quid in his will.

Oh, that was good of him.

Nah, I wouldn't kiss it if I were you.

Found it down the back of his pants.

-Here you go, son.

-Cheers, Dad.

Here we go, birthday girl!

There we go.

I'm sorry things have been so difficult.

I think it's just the pressure of my parents

and moving is such a big upheaval.

No, actually, it's me.

It's mainly been me, being me.

I promise I'm turning over a new leaf.

I'm going to make a real effort to be better about, well, everything.

-OK.

-And I'm going to make a real effort to be nice to your girlfriend.

Oh, that's not...

-Look...

-No, I think it... I think it would be good for me

to just disengage a bit, emotionally, from the whole situation.

It's honestly not going to be an issue. I'm...

You know what?

Maybe... Maybe we shouldn't talk about each other's relationships.

It's just, it's too painful

when you still have feelings for the other person.

So...you still have feelings?

Yeah.

You can't just switch off from all that

when you've been so close to someone.

No.

It's too hard.

Yeah.

But we could...

GUESTS: # Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, dear Emily

# Happy birthday to you. #

THEY CHEER

Let's get a little kiss for the camera.

Uh... I meant kiss Emily.

Oh.

ISABEL WAILS

Oh, no! Isabel...

DOOR SLAMS

-HE MOUTHS:

-Well done.

MUSIC: "Epic Last Song" by Does It Offend You, Yeah?

# I can't believe I made it here

# Today I'm afraid of yesterday

# I say, "Baby, babe I loved you a long time"

# I'll try harder just to know you're all mine. #