Infantile QI XL


Infantile

Quiz show. Stephen Fry comes over all infantile with Ronni Ancona, Dave Gorman, Lee Mack and Alan Davies.


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Transcript


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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,

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and welcome to QI.

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Tonight, we're all going to be pretty infantile.

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Playing mummies and daddies tonight are Daddy Cool, Dave Gorman.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Yummy Mummy, Ronni Ancona.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Happy Pappy, Lee Mack.

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-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

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And the curse of the mummy's tomb, Alan Davies.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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So, erm, why don't you give me a ring some time? Dave goes...

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PHONE RINGS

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-Ronni goes...

-CONTINUOUS RING

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-Lee goes...

-ENGAGED TONE

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-And Alan goes...

-"For sales enquiries, press one.

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"For service, press two.

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"For two hours of irritating music, press three.

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"For more options, press four. For fewer options, press five.

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"Or to speak to one of our operatives, emigrate to Mumbai."

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-LAUGHTER

-Thank you, Alan. And don't forget your Nobody Knows joker.

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-FANFARE

-'Nobody knows!'

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Yes, there may be a question tonight to which the true answer is that nobody knows

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and if you play your Nobody Knows joker, you get extra points. Your ignorance might indeed be bliss.

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So here's an intimate question to start with.

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What did the Pope's father say to the baker's daughter?

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Who is the current Pope?

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-He's German, is he?

-Ratzenberger.

-Ratzinger.

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He was born in Germany, he's a German Pope.

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-There he is. That's him on the right with those killer eyes that he still has.

-Some would say the far right.

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-Yes! Some would!

-LAUGHTER

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And his father, too, was called Joseph,

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so Joseph Ratzinger Senior married a baker's daughter.

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That's the mother in the middle. The question is, how did they meet?

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-On the interweb.

-Yes. It was the equivalent...

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-Speed dating. They were speed dating.

-Before the interweb and speed dating, there were...

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-Singles adverts.

-Singles ads.

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-Would like to meet... Good sense of humour...

-Absolutely! This is what the Pope's father, Joseph Ratzinger,

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who was a Bavarian policeman, wrote.

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"Middle-ranking civil servant. Single. Catholic." That's a relief.

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"43. Immaculate past.

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"From the country. Is looking for a good, Catholic, pure girl

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"who can cook well, tackle all household chores,

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"with a talent for sewing and homemaking

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"with a view to marriage as soon as possible."

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He added, "Fortune desirable but not a precondition."

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LAUGHTER

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He was 43, she was 36. She was called Maria Peintner.

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They met up at a coffee house and were married four months later.

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-Life was simple then, wasn't it?

-Life was simple then.

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-Not so much a singles ad, but more a job.

-Yes!

-Basically. LAUGHTER

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It would be great if the Pope actually had an entry himself in a lonely hearts column,

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because it would be something like, "Single guy, likes to wear a dress,

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-"drives a slow forklift truck."

-LAUGHTER

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"Expects you to kiss his ring."

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LAUGHTER

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EYTKHR.

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-That would be it, wouldn't it?

-Because they've got abbreviations.

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-Haven't they got three-letter...

-I have a list of abbreviations to test you on

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to see how much you use these singles and wanted ads

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and Craigslist and similar.

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So D/D, what would that be?

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Divorced deviant?

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-LAUGHTER

-Nice idea.

-Divorced...

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-Does it stand for large breasts?

-LAUGHTER

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That may be perhaps quite... Oh, I see, double D.

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-LAUGHTER

-We haven't got all night, Stephen.

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-LAUGHTER

-Not quite my area of expertise, but I do understand.

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LAUGHTER

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-Drunk and disorderly.

-No, it actually means drug and disease free.

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-Does it?

-Yes. In the code of these things.

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If you feel it necessary to put that, that's just going to raise suspicions.

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LAUGHTER

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-NK.

-No knickers?

-Massive knockers.

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-LAUGHTER

-Sorry, that's M.

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-Nassive knockers.

-NK?

-Yeah, it's no kids.

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WE?

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-Weekends.

-That would be nice, but I'm afraid it's a little bit more physical.

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-Well-endowed.

-Yes!

-LAUGHTER

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-Why would you write that?

-APPLAUSE

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You'd just put that, wouldn't you? Just put "well-endowed" and the box number.

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LAUGHTER

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Possibly. ALAWP might be the thing to do with WE.

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-A large and wavy penis.

-All letters answered...

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-LAUGHTER

-All letters answered! Sorry.

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ALAWP, all letters answered with...

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-A penis.

-LAUGHTER

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-Photo!

-Photo!

-Oh, sorry, photo.

-Dave is earning points.

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-You know an awful lot about lonely hearts columns!

-IPT?

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So you might get, for instance, IPT BBW.

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-Big breasted woman.

-Oh, so you know BBW! Very good!

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-LAUGHTER

-Very good! Is partial to.

-Right.

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-IPT BBW. Is partial to..

-I don't know if this is going to help me or not,

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but some of these acronyms are shared by the world of pornography. LAUGHTER

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So take your pick as to how I know them. It's either from lonely hearts or porn.

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-That's right, yeah.

-Which would you rather we assume...

-I'm going to leave you guessing, Ronni.

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So what would be WE SHM WLTM BBW for NSA fun?

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-Does that stand...

-No strings attached fun.

-Very good, Dave.

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-NSA is...

-A big breasted woman.

-Yes. So WE...

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-Well-endowed.

-SHM. H is an ethnic type in American in particular.

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-Hispanic.

-Brilliant. So well-endowed single Hispanic male...

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-WLTM.

-Would like to meet.

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-BBW.

-Big breasted woman.

-Big blue whale.

-For NSA fun.

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LAUGHTER For no-strings attached fun.

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-Exactly.

-Which is when you're into puppetry, but of the glove-puppet variety, not...

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-LAUGHTER

-Exactly! That's a sweet way of looking at it.

-Absolutely.

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Presumably, you would charge by the letter in newspapers, so that's why...

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-To save money?

-Yes. But you don't need that on the internet.

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-You could say, "I have an enormous dong".

-LAUGHTER

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-You don't have to go WE, do you?

-But tiny testicles.

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LAUGHTER

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-BTT.

-In fact, it's actually an average-size dong, but the testicles make it look enormous.

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LAUGHTER It's a trick of the light!

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-They're like ball bearings.

-LAUGHTER

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-It's only the top of the show.

-LAUGHTER

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Let's try to swim for the surface before we hit the depths. Yeah.

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-Man gasping for air seeks BBW.

-LAUGHTER

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There used to be, in San Francisco in the late 70s,

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-there was a handkerchief code in the gay community.

-I've heard about this.

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-Yeah. The yellow one?

-It was also which back pocket it was in. If it was left, passive.

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-If it was right, it was active.

-What did it mean if you tied four knots and put in on your head?

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That meant you were a homosexual from up north. LAUGHTER

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You're from Blackpool, from the Golden Mile.

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No, if you had yellow in your back left pocket,

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-you liked being peed on.

-What does it mean if you wear a yellow thing round your neck hanging down?

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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I like the idea of someone going to a club

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and he's got the yellow hankie, and everyone else thinks, "Urgh! Weirdo!"

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LAUGHTER I like the idea of a group of Morris dancers going to San Francisco.

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Sending off very mixed signals wherever they go. LAUGHTER

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Honestly, in the 70s, there used to be cards. You'd go in a shop in Castro in San Francisco

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and there'd be little laminated cards telling you the code so you didn't make a mistake.

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-They'd have to be laminated.

-LAUGHTER

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All right, I don't know how this conversation's gone in this direction.

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Anyway, the Pope's parents met through a lonely hearts ad.

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What did the Viceroy of India's daughter like doing with flipperty flop and jumpkins?

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-Is this...

-If they're not rabbits... LAUGHTER ..then something's amiss.

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Yes, they do sound like rabbits, don't they? Flipperty flop and Jumpkins.

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-Are they body parts?

-They're not body parts.

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-Who are we talking about?

-The daughter of one of the Viceroys of India.

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In the Days of the Raj, a man would be appointed viceroy, vice-king of India.

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The last one was Lord Mountbatten before the independence of India.

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This man was Lord Lytton and his daughter Emily was an extraordinary Victorian figure.

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And she eventually ended up marrying Lutyens, the architect.

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He designed most of New Delhi, the huge pink palaces of New Delhi were Lutyens.

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That's him there as an older man and that's Emily Lytton.

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He looks like she's just told him a really dirty joke. LAUGHTER

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This flipperty flop and jumpkins, she had an evening playing flipperty flop and jumpkins

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and I'm going to ask Ronni to read out how she describes the evening of flipperty flop and jumpkins.

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"I assure you no words can picture either the intense excitement or the noise.

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-"I always scream in describing it."

-SHE LAUGHS

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-LAUGHTER

-She could be in the room. There you are.

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This was a description of when she was 17 years old.

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She played this game, alternately known as flipperty flop or jumpkins, and has a much better name.

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-BOTH: Tiddlywinks.

-Yes!

-That was weird.

-You said it at the same time!

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Absolutely brilliant! And I will give you each a little cup.

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It was originally called tiddledy-winks.

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For some reason, the second D got dropped, so tiddlywinks. Try hitting it into the target.

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So we have to try and get it in the hole.

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You have the big one and the little one is called the wink.

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-Is this called the squidger?

-I think I went too hard.

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-Surely if that's the wink, this must be the tiddly.

-You'd think so.

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I do give a point to you for knowing it's called the squidger.

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-Off the lip!

-It's meant to be yellow and green versus red and blue.

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-And they do have lots of different... There's a squop.

-Yes.

-And a boondock.

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And my favourite move, there is a move in the official language of tiddlywinks, the Good move.

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-Right.

-And it's not called that because it's a good move, it's named after John Good.

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-Oh, how wonderful!

-So it's named for him.

-The squop is one of the most basic things. What is a squop?

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A squop is where you're trying to tiddle your wink so it lands on top of somebody else's.

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-Exactly. And if your wink...

-LAUGHTER

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I can see why you're using those lonely hearts columns now.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-How do you get the lift?

-You get the lift, to be honest...

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-Oh!

-Oh, God!

-LAUGHTER

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-You have to play on felt and then it works beautifully.

-Then you've got some purchase.

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-Yeah.

-This is my ideal gig, where I come on QI but I don't have to talk, I just have to play tiddlywinks.

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-Oh!

-This is bullshit!

-LAUGHTER

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-You can't get the lift!

-I had plenty of lift there. You've ruined it.

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The Good move is named after John Good.

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Do you know what a page ranking is? This is similar. You know, in Google terms, a page ranking.

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-Absolutely, yes.

-Do you know why it's called a page ranking?

-Yes!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-So...

-I honestly thought you knew the answer to Dave's question.

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Finally, I've got one! I know why!

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Are you telling me that a page ranking is not because it's a webpage?

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It's named after Larry Page, one of the founders of Google.

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I'm going to hand out some more toys so there's even more fun to be had.

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-Quoits.

-I ought to tell you, the winner gets the teddy bear.

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-Well, fluffy toy.

-You've got to be joking.

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-LAUGHTER

-Wow, you've really raised the stakes!

-You will get the fluffy toy.

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-We'll start with Dave.

-OK.

-OK. Good luck.

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ALL: Ohh!

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-ALL: Ohh!

-It's like being at the fairground.

-Ronni, come on!

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I've just got a bit of dirt in my pocket.

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Let's have a read.

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LAUGHTER

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-LAUGHTER

-Oh, the tension!

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-Ohh!

-Did you see that?

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-I saw it!

-It nearly went over! Did you see that?

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-I saw it.

-I was there!

-LAUGHTER

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-He'll be unbearable.

-It's all right, he's already unbearable.

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-LAUGHTER

-I was only joking, I've got my own dirty mags in the dressing room.

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-LAUGHTER

-Don't let him get it!

-Watch out for the bloke!

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LAUGHTER

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CHEERING

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-In the net!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-And you get the fluffy toy!

-Oh, no!

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-And here it is.

-Oh, it's like the fairground.

-Yeah.

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-It's like the fairground.

-I never said it'd be that one.

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-I never said... No, no.

-Anything off the bottom, anything off the bottom. LAUGHTER

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-If Lee was a nice man, he'd give that to you, Ronni.

-That's true, I would.

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-LAUGHTER

-Congratulations, Lee.

-Thank you very much.

-A bullseye. 25.

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OK, why, oh, why, oh, why did they ban rifle ranges

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inside pubs in Birmingham?

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-LAUGHTER

-Yes?

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-Was it, er, common sense?

-LAUGHTER

-You'd think so, but no.

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-Price of ammunition.

-No. We're talking about the early 20th century

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when it suddenly became very important to have soldiers who were good at firing rifles. Why?

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-Cos of the war.

-The Boer War, exactly. And so they started having rifle ranges in pubs.

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-Adds a new dimension to getting a round in.

-It certainly does!

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And Birmingham was the very centre of the world's gun-making, BSA and other such rifle companies,

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and so all these pubs would have rifle ranges inside the pubs,

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sometimes literally inside. You'd fire over the heads of customers at targets. But they banned it

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-and I want to know the reason why.

-Because there was an accidental death.

-No.

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No, the answer is not what you might say today, which is health and safety.

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It was another more puritanical reason.

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Either that picture's been mocked up or they are really casual, those diners.

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There are still pubs with rifle ranges in them. In Devises and places like that

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they still have pubs with rifle ranges. There's one. You pull away the centre part of the bucket

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and there's a tunnel with a target at the end.

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Somewhere in the world there's a giant dog with stitches in his neck looking for that.

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With a very small neck.

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-Cos people were gambling on it?

-Yes, Dave Gorman. That's the weird thing about Britain then.

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They didn't care about the fact that live rounds were being fired over people's heads,

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-it was that it caused gambling.

-Is that why they introduced the curtain over the score board?

-Yes!

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-LAUGHTER

-To hide it.

-It's like the British version of a speakeasy.

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-LAUGHTER Nothing here.

-A beautiful curtain it is, and immaculately measured.

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-LAUGHTER

-In one Worcester pub, until quite recently, you'd shoot from a bar

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across a passageway and into an outhouse. And some teams still shoot in the open bar.

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We've got Swindon, Devises, Newport, Hinckley, Nuneaton, Worcestershire still have pubs with rifle ranges.

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-There you are. Isn't that quite interesting?

-Very interesting.

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Ah, that's more than we were hoping for. Otherwise it would be called VI. It's only quite interesting.

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They did try to ban darts at one point cos of gambling, as well.

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Cos it was deemed a game of chance. I think it was in Leeds. And it went to the magistrate

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and the landlord of a pub who wanted to keep his dartboard brought in a local expert

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and made him play and demonstrate that it was a game of skill.

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The idea was you were just hitting the board like a fairground game and whatever you happened to hit

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was your score and well done you, you were lucky.

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Then he came along and hit a few treble 20s when asked and they proved it was a game of skill.

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Very good. There are lots of pub games, of course. I'm sure you've played pub games in your time.

0:17:010:17:06

-You may be familiar with some of them.

-Too busy drinking.

-Of course.

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But see if you can explain the rules of milking cromock,

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hanikin can'st abide it or laugh and lie downe.

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Laugh and lie downe, that is a box full of rohypnol.

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-LAUGHTER

-Er, no. No. That's...

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APPLAUSE

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-Well, milking cromock, I would've thought that was a card game.

-We know that laugh and lie downe

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and hanikin can'st abide it are card games.

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-Oh. So I managed to get the only one that isn't a card game.

-Yes.

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Possibly. Because the time has now passed. Oh, just in time!

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Nobody knows is the answer. Nobody knows.

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-FANFARE

-'Nobody knows!'

-Extra points for Dave.

0:17:490:17:53

The fact is, we only know these games exist because they're on lists of games that have been banned.

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So there is statute that says it is illegal to play milking cromock,

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hanikin can'st abide it or laugh and lie downe

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and all you can do as a games historian is look at it and try and work out...

0:18:050:18:09

-But there is some evidence that those were card games.

-I love the idea of a barman just going,

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"Hey, are you playing milking cromock?" No.

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-LAUGHTER

-But there are some we do know...

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LAUGHTER

0:18:210:18:23

-Two blokes running round and probably just one cow going, "Mooo".

-LAUGHTER

0:18:230:18:28

There are dice and card games and dominos, but also games called guile bones, noddy board,

0:18:280:18:33

-penny prick, hide under hat.

-Hide under hat, that'd be a great game.

-LAUGHTER

0:18:330:18:38

-I like it cos it's self-explanatory.

-It is!

0:18:380:18:40

-You need a massive hat or a small person.

-LAUGHTER

0:18:400:18:44

-Both, really.

-Yeah.

-In 1938, a priest wrote to the Times complaining that there was a pub

0:18:440:18:50

where they had on the billiard tables tortoise races with little toy jockeys on top.

0:18:500:18:54

-LAUGHTER It's the jockeys that makes it lovely, isn't it?

-Yes, sweet.

0:18:540:18:59

-They could've used giant tortoises and real jockeys.

-If only they had. That was in Weymouth.

0:18:590:19:04

-Competitive smoking was very popular.

-Oh, come on!

0:19:040:19:07

-LAUGHTER

-Seemingly.

0:19:070:19:09

-And... There you are.

-He's a bit smug.

0:19:090:19:12

-Yeah.

-He's the champion.

-He blows smoke rings.

-It still exists.

0:19:120:19:16

You now have to do it in an outside place or a smoking shelter.

0:19:160:19:19

-But who would win a smoking competition?

-I guess the first person to finish the pipe.

0:19:190:19:24

-No, the last person to finish the pipe. It's keeping the pipe alight for longest.

-Oh.

0:19:240:19:28

It's a real skill. It's how you pack the tobacco into the pipe and then how few puffs you take of it

0:19:280:19:35

-so you don't burn it down.

-You're telling me this didn't become a televised sport?

0:19:350:19:39

I know, it's shocking, isn't it? Terribly exciting.

0:19:390:19:42

But it still exists, competitive smoking.

0:19:420:19:44

-Wow.

-So there are other games we can think of.

0:19:440:19:47

There was an ancestor of darts you may be familiar with, a Belgian game,

0:19:470:19:53

Struifvogelspel. There is it.

0:19:530:19:56

You use a duck and the duck has the sharp beak.

0:19:560:20:01

It's rather weird. It's tied on the end of a line. It's peculiar. You swing the bird round on a cord

0:20:010:20:06

-until the beak gets stuck in the board.

-That'd be a good thing for a murder in Midsomer Murders.

0:20:060:20:11

-LAUGHTER

-Actually, that would be brilliant.

-That's a good plot there.

0:20:110:20:15

-Is that the dartboard?

-Yeah, that's the back of it. You swing that round

0:20:150:20:19

-and wherever the beak lands is your score.

-She doesn't want to play. He's making her.

0:20:190:20:23

-LAUGHTER

-There was a distressing betting game in pubs called lark singing

0:20:230:20:27

which was very popular in Britain, but also on the continent.

0:20:270:20:32

The one whose lark stopped singing last won all the money.

0:20:320:20:35

There was the terrible belief that if you blinded the lark, it would sing more.

0:20:350:20:40

There was a campaign to stop the blinding of larks which was led by World War I blinded veterans.

0:20:400:20:48

-And some larks.

-They knew that being blind wasn't a lark.

0:20:480:20:52

But that was unfortunately a popular sport. Humanity's often been very cruel.

0:20:520:20:56

I don't know why this reminds me of it, but there was an old variety act

0:20:560:21:00

who used to have a dancing duck on his piano.

0:21:000:21:02

And he'd play the piano, an upright piano, and he'd play a tune and the duck would dance.

0:21:020:21:07

And they worked out he had a hotplate in the top of the piano and it was triggered by him playing.

0:21:070:21:11

-So when he started playing, it heated up and the duck would have to sort of...

-Ohh.

0:21:110:21:16

-That is awful.

-Yes. And there's a magician who's still working, I think, in Spain

0:21:160:21:20

who does a trick where there's a goldfish tank on top of a load of face-up cards

0:21:200:21:27

and he forces a card on you and then his goldfish selects your card by swimming to it.

0:21:270:21:31

And he's basically sewn a little magnet into the goldfish and he moves his knees under the table.

0:21:310:21:36

-Good lord!

-Yeah, I know. The entertainment world is cruel with animals.

-It is, isn't it?

0:21:360:21:42

Anyway, the fact is, the rules of milking cromock are lost forever, but it doesn't matter

0:21:420:21:46

because we're not allowed to play it anyway. The most popular entertainment venue in the world

0:21:460:21:52

used to be the Coney Island Amusement Park in New York. What was its longest-running attraction?

0:21:520:21:58

-Is it an elephant?

-No.

-The bearded woman?

0:21:580:22:01

-No.

-There are lots of that kind of thing.

-Was it a bearded elephant?

-No.

-LAUGHTER

0:22:010:22:06

There was one particular woman who came to see this every week

0:22:060:22:09

-for all the 37 years it was on show.

-Cliff Richard.

-No.

-LAUGHTER

0:22:090:22:13

HE LAUGHS

0:22:130:22:16

-It was not what you might call usual entertainment. It's very...

-Ah. Cliff Richard.

-No.

0:22:160:22:20

LAUGHTER

0:22:200:22:22

I'm trying for a way of framing this to which Cliff Richard isn't the answer.

0:22:220:22:27

-LAUGHTER

-It was a really peculiar, unlikely... No, that's not...

0:22:270:22:31

-LAUGHTER

-This is not what you'd associate with entertainment. No...

0:22:310:22:35

-Barry Manilow.

-What about, "It's something you go and see on your summer holiday"? No...

-Ah!

0:22:350:22:41

-LAUGHTER

-I'm just going to have to tell you. It was children in incubators.

0:22:410:22:45

The infant incubator with living infants. Premature children

0:22:450:22:50

were put in incubators, there they are,

0:22:500:22:54

and the public would come and see them, they'd pay a quarter, 25 cents.

0:22:540:22:58

-Is there a grabbing hand?

-LAUGHTER

0:22:580:23:02

APPLAUSE

0:23:020:23:05

You are an evil man.

0:23:080:23:10

LAUGHTER It's Angelina Jolie pick 'n' mix.

0:23:100:23:15

-LAUGHTER

-It does seem really weird to us.

0:23:150:23:18

But the fact is, it was a recent invention, it was invented in 1880,

0:23:180:23:22

and no hospitals had them in America. It was a French invention.

0:23:220:23:26

And the French inventor went round trying to persuade people they were a good idea

0:23:260:23:30

and this park thought, Coney Island, what a great thing to do.

0:23:300:23:34

We'll get all the premature babies that are born in New York,

0:23:340:23:37

we'll put them in incubators, people can come and look at them and watch them thrive.

0:23:370:23:41

-And they did thrive.

-It's literally just warm air.

-Yeah, it's a ventilated, sealed-off area.

0:23:410:23:46

It must have been laid open for abuse for pushy stage-school mothers

0:23:460:23:53

who were desperate to get their kids in. "Get into the incubator, Lorelei!

0:23:530:23:57

"Go on! Get into the incubator!" "But Mom, I'm 11." "So squidge up a little!

0:23:570:24:02

-"If someone comes to look at you, do your shuffle three-step."

-LAUGHTER

0:24:020:24:07

If someone was seven months and their waters broke,

0:24:070:24:10

were they then driven to the funfair instead of the hospital?

0:24:100:24:14

-Yes, because the hospital didn't have any incubators.

-Yeah.

0:24:140:24:18

It was only in 1940 when the New York City Hospital invested in incubators

0:24:180:24:23

that they kind of went out of business as an attraction. It seems utterly weird to us

0:24:230:24:27

but it was the longest-running attraction at Coney Island.

0:24:270:24:31

Anyway, staying with our infancy theme, here's a parenting poser.

0:24:310:24:34

Eleanor Roosevelt considered herself a very modern mother. Where did she keep her baby?

0:24:340:24:40

-In a drawer probably.

-LAUGHTER

-It's almost as weird.

0:24:400:24:43

It was a fad in the 1930s.

0:24:430:24:46

-Was it permanently attached to one of those things? What are they called? Papoose.

-No, no.

0:24:460:24:51

That'd be fairly normal. We'd consider this weird now. In New York, space is at a premium.

0:24:510:24:56

There's a limited amount of space in Manhattan, hence the skyscrapers and so on.

0:24:560:25:00

And where do you put your baby? Well, hang it out of the window in a cage.

0:25:000:25:04

LAUGHTER

0:25:040:25:08

The baby cage. It caught on for a while.

0:25:090:25:13

-Was this the question that Michael Jackson was trying to answer?

-LAUGHTER

0:25:130:25:17

Probably. It is a bit disturbing. The baby cage. But there were 12 of them in Poplar in London.

0:25:170:25:22

They died out during the Blitz because they were obviously not suitable.

0:25:220:25:26

-LAUGHTER

-Eleanor Roosevelt got severely criticised for it and got upset.

0:25:260:25:32

She recalled, "It was rather a shock for I thought I was being a modern mother."

0:25:320:25:36

You get extra points if you can tell me Eleanor Roosevelt's maiden name. Before she married FDR,

0:25:360:25:41

-she was Eleanor what?

-BOTH: Rigby LAUGHTER

0:25:410:25:44

Both said at the same time. No, she wasn't.

0:25:440:25:47

-Roosevelt.

-Yes! Well done!

0:25:470:25:50

-Oh!

-She was Eleanor Roosevelt. Very good.

-APPLAUSE

0:25:500:25:56

She was the niece of president Teddy Roosevelt, who was a fifth cousin of the man she married.

0:25:570:26:03

-So did she...

-There was no incest involved, fifth cousin is a long way away, but an amazing coincidence.

0:26:030:26:09

Do you think she actually changed her name?

0:26:090:26:11

Seriously, do you think she said "I'm officially changing my name"?

0:26:110:26:15

Then you've not officially got the same name, you've got the same name,

0:26:150:26:19

but it's not the same as registering it as a changed name. Do you know what I mean?

0:26:190:26:24

-You should be a registrar.

-I ask, "Do you know what I mean?" because I'm not sure I do.

0:26:240:26:28

-Do you see what I mean?

-I sort of know what you mean.

0:26:280:26:31

-She missed out...

-LAUGHTER

0:26:310:26:33

-She missed out on the excitement...

-APPLAUSE

0:26:330:26:38

Nobody knows what you mean. She missed out on saying, "I'm trying out my new name."

0:26:380:26:42

She may have written her signature in a different way.

0:26:420:26:46

Now, describe the miraculous secret machinery that the Chamberlain family used

0:26:460:26:51

for delivering babies for 100 years.

0:26:510:26:55

-BUZZER

-Was it... What's that thing called that you suck a baby out with?

0:26:550:27:01

-What?

-The ventouse.

-The ventouse. Did they invent that?

-No, that was after.

0:27:010:27:07

-Was it forceps?

-Yes.

-Because that's...

-Yes, they invented the forceps.

0:27:070:27:12

And they realised how brilliant they were but they were terrified, this was in the 17th, 18th century,

0:27:120:27:18

for 100 years, there was no patenting laws, so anybody could have copied it.

0:27:180:27:23

And so what they would do is go into a house with this huge box, covered in a cloth,

0:27:230:27:28

and say, "We've got our secret device here." They would blindfold the mother,

0:27:280:27:32

-She was sat going, "One, two, three, four, five, coming!"

-LAUGHTER

0:27:320:27:38

No-one else was allowed in the room, and then they'd play all these sound effects to make it seem...

0:27:380:27:44

-Machinery?

-..like a piece of machinery, then they would get out, here's an early...

0:27:440:27:48

They're pretty disturbing but there they are. That's forceps. There they are.

0:27:480:27:53

But for literally 100 years, they kept their secret by disguising this simple device.

0:27:530:28:00

They'd get them out and smirk at a barbeque, just turning things. LAUGHTER

0:28:000:28:04

Nobody knows. Nobody knows.

0:28:040:28:08

Now, epidurals. Do you know when the epidural was first devised?

0:28:080:28:11

-I would say...30s.

-1960.

0:28:110:28:14

He died in 1949, he was a man called August Bier.

0:28:140:28:17

And he first had this idea that if you put a painkiller into the spine itself,

0:28:170:28:23

then anything below the pain signals wouldn't get there.

0:28:230:28:26

He tried it on an assistant. He injected his assistant's lower spine with cocaine,

0:28:260:28:30

-which is a topical anaesthetic.

-She fell over, said "It worked, let's go".

-It was a he.

0:28:300:28:35

-Then they'd laugh and lie down.

-LAUGHTER

0:28:350:28:39

-APPLAUSE

-It could have been worse, they could have played Milking Cromock.

-Yes.

0:28:410:28:48

He almost did. He made sure the area was numb by pulling the man's pubic hair,

0:28:480:28:52

-yanking his testicles...

-And he said, "Hanikin can'st abide it!"

-LAUGHTER

0:28:520:28:58

He hit him in the legs with a hammer and singed his thighs with a cigar.

0:28:580:29:03

-And sure enough, the assistant felt no pain. So that is how the epidural...

-He never walked again.

0:29:030:29:09

-LAUGHTER

-A broken leg and terrible burns.

-Somewhat bruised.

0:29:090:29:13

The first woman in history to have a baby under an aesthetic, which was chloroform,

0:29:130:29:19

she was so thrilled by the painlessness of the experience, she named her baby...

0:29:190:29:25

-Not chloroform.

-Not chloroform, no. Anaesthesia.

-LAUGHTER

0:29:250:29:29

That's actually quite a nice name. It's like semolina or tapioca.

0:29:290:29:33

-Lil-Let.

-It does sound like the most boring dinner party guest ever.

0:29:330:29:38

Anaesthesia's coming. Oh! LAUGHTER

0:29:380:29:42

Not again! Oh!

0:29:420:29:45

There were stories about this, it's hard to know how accurate, there were biblical objections

0:29:450:29:50

to the idea of chloroform being administered to women in childbirth. Do you know why?

0:29:500:29:54

-Cos pain is good for them.

-It's a very specific reference in the Bible. It's right at the beginning.

0:29:540:30:00

Do you remember Eve gets Adam into a bit of trouble by making him eat the fruit?

0:30:000:30:04

And God says, "Oh, you ate the fruit of the tree whereof I spake thou shouldst not."

0:30:040:30:08

-And to the woman he says...

-You will marry Tom Cruise.

-LAUGHTER

0:30:080:30:14

No. Unto the woman he said, "I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception.

0:30:140:30:19

"In sorrow shalt thou bring forth children."

0:30:190:30:23

-Yes.

-So it was as if God cursed women to have pain.

0:30:230:30:25

Some ultra-religious people felt that it was basically God's curse

0:30:250:30:29

and they should scream in agony while giving birth.

0:30:290:30:32

But then Queen Victoria had Prince Leopold when she had chloroform

0:30:320:30:36

and then the habit caught on, and then the epidural and various other such things.

0:30:360:30:42

-I didn't know Victoria had a Prince Leopold.

-She had nine children, I think.

0:30:420:30:46

They're all named after pubs. LAUGHTER

0:30:460:30:49

Da-ding-ting! Very nice. Excellent.

0:30:490:30:54

Here's another intimate little secret for you. How can you tell a French baby from a German baby?

0:30:540:30:59

-BUZZER

-Yes, Veronica.

0:30:590:31:03

The German baby will have wrapped itself in a towel before the midwife has had a chance to fetch it.

0:31:030:31:08

LAUGHTER

0:31:080:31:11

It's not often you can do the same joke twice in one show but is the German baby on the far right?

0:31:110:31:16

-Hey!

-LAUGHTER

0:31:160:31:18

-Is there a difference in cry?

-Yes!

-They have an accent?

-Yes.

0:31:180:31:22

-No!

-It's not an accent exactly, it's a melodic cadence.

0:31:220:31:26

In the womb, the baby is hearing its mother tongue,

0:31:260:31:30

and the different languages have different stresses and cadences and melodies,

0:31:300:31:34

and you can actually do tests in which someone will say, "That's a German baby, that's French"

0:31:340:31:39

just by its gurgle. It's heard the language.

0:31:390:31:42

Not only that, they like their mother tongue. You show them videos

0:31:420:31:45

and there is someone speaking a language that isn't the one their mother and father speak,

0:31:450:31:50

and someone else speaking in their own mother tongue, and they will stare at the one that's theirs.

0:31:500:31:55

Even if it's not their parents, they actually are drawn to it.

0:31:550:31:58

-So they pick up on the rhythms very early on.

-Glaswegian babies go, "Get me out of that bloody cage!"

0:31:580:32:05

But it is fascinating that that early on, in the womb,

0:32:050:32:09

they pick up on the melodic cadences of their mother tongue.

0:32:090:32:13

-I think that's rather sweet.

-Yeah, beautiful.

-I think it's beautiful, too.

0:32:130:32:18

How long do the best hugs last?

0:32:180:32:21

-20 seconds.

-That's a very long hug. I would get embarrassed and restless if someone hugged me for 20 seconds.

0:32:210:32:28

-Do you want me to test that? Shall we test that?

-No! Please.

0:32:280:32:32

-Oh, hello. Here we go. Aww!

-APPLAUSE

0:32:320:32:36

That was lovely.

0:32:390:32:42

I'm on the clock. I'm on the clock.

0:32:420:32:45

-Yep.

-I'm on the clock.

-That was... Oh, God, this is too long.

-LAUGHTER

0:32:450:32:50

-This is too long.

-Dave, did you turn on the clock?

-LAUGHTER

0:32:500:32:56

-Lovely. That's got to be at least 20 seconds, that was embarrassing.

-That was very uncomfortable.

0:32:560:33:01

-See if you can beat it!

-Oh, God!

-LAUGHTER

0:33:010:33:06

APPLAUSE

0:33:060:33:10

Come on, Alan, come on.

0:33:120:33:14

-APPLAUSE

-Heavens above!

0:33:170:33:20

-I've been waiting years to do this.

-If you're all hugging, I'm playing tiddlywinks. Sod the lot of you!

0:33:220:33:28

Right. That was lovely. That was unusual. I wasn't expecting that response but it was charming.

0:33:280:33:35

-You're both wearing nice aftershave.

-Do you want your watch back?

-LAUGHTER

0:33:350:33:40

-Did you like my aftershave?

-I certainly did.

0:33:400:33:43

-Now, there have been tests, it seems weird...

-Four or five seconds.

0:33:430:33:49

-Well, three seems to be the answer.

-Three is the perfect time, you mean?

0:33:490:33:53

It seems to be that there is a kind of inbuilt human moment which is three seconds.

0:33:530:33:59

If it's less than three seconds, it really is a bit like, that wasn't really a proper hug.

0:33:590:34:04

If it's one, two, three. That's nice.

0:34:040:34:08

It's just a rhythm that seems to be built into the human race.

0:34:080:34:13

The three second period is known as a moment. And it happens in a lot of what we do.

0:34:130:34:17

-Don't say it!

-I just can't wait for my great aunt to come round and give me a hug.

0:34:170:34:23

-It's all very nice and I'll go, "That was four seconds, you bitch!

-LAUGHTER

0:34:230:34:27

"Next time you'll keep it tight or you don't come in."

0:34:270:34:31

What spoils hug is when the other person goes, "..and break."

0:34:310:34:34

-LAUGHTER

-Yes. Well, have you heard of the five second rule?

0:34:340:34:39

-Food.

-Yes, what is it?

0:34:390:34:41

It is where, if you drop food on the floor, it's OK to eat it if you pick it up within five seconds.

0:34:410:34:47

-Right, do you believe that?

-No, it's nonsense.

-It is complete nonsense.

0:34:470:34:51

It could be OK after five minutes. It just depends on whether the floor is contaminated.

0:34:510:34:56

And human beings tend to, if you drop chocolate, or a biscuit, people will pick it up and eat it easily,

0:34:560:35:02

-but if it's broccoli or cabbage or something they go, "Oh..."

-LAUGHTER

0:35:020:35:07

With a big splat like that, you just think, "Oh, I probably won't worry."

0:35:070:35:12

-Do you eat food off the floor, presumably?

-As a rule, I do!

-LAUGHTER

0:35:120:35:17

-Oh, yes!

-Is this what you do at speed dating?

-LAUGHTER

0:35:170:35:20

Do you eat food off the floor? Move on! Do you eat food off the floor? Move on!

0:35:200:35:25

-Ah, you've got a yellow hanky, perfect.

-LAUGHTER

0:35:250:35:29

-It was a presumption. It wasn't...

-"You eat food off the floor!" She's quite disgusting.

0:35:290:35:36

It's not yellow, it's a white hanky, I've just cleaned that up, thank you very much.

0:35:360:35:40

-Once you've got a baby, food on the floor really is fair game.

-Exactly.

0:35:400:35:45

-If you didn't eat food off the floor you're wasting about £90 a week.

-LAUGHTER

0:35:450:35:49

Now, buzz when you know what's so damn interesting about this photograph.

0:35:490:35:54

-BUZZER

-Yes.

-You said "dam interesting."

-Oh.

-What is it that's interesting?

0:35:560:36:01

-Yes, I've got it.

-It's a dam, yes.

-It's got the goats walking across it.

-There are goats walking on it.

0:36:010:36:06

-Where? Where?

-There. They scale...

-Oh, yes!

-Now why would they do that?

0:36:060:36:12

-That is pretty impressive!

-That is.

-Do you know what kind of goat that is?

0:36:120:36:16

-Ibex.

-It's an ibex. It's an Alpine ibex. An extraordinary thing.

0:36:160:36:21

This is a south-facing dam in Italy, the Cingino Dam, and to get a salt lick,

0:36:210:36:27

they walk on what is an almost sheer rock surface.

0:36:270:36:31

-Isn't it amazing, though?

-Have their little hoofs, sort of, adapted?

0:36:310:36:37

Well, you can see there. Yes, I mean, they are, ibexes, like all goats, are incredibly sure-footed.

0:36:370:36:44

And they're Alpine and they can scramble up rock faces and things like that.

0:36:440:36:48

-But it's astonishing, isn't it?

-Do they fall off sometimes?

-I hope not. I doubt it.

0:36:480:36:52

-"Baah!"

-LAUGHTER

0:36:520:36:56

-There's a kebab stand at the bottom.

-LAUGHTER

0:36:570:37:01

Terrible and believable at the same time.

0:37:040:37:07

"Occasionally one does fall off."

0:37:070:37:10

Do you know what the Pyrenean ibex, this is the Alpine ibex, this is in northern Italy,

0:37:100:37:16

but do you know what the Pyrenean ibex did in the noughties, between 2000 and 2010?

0:37:160:37:21

-There's a Pyrenean ibex.

-Fell off something? Got to the top, couldn't get down?

0:37:210:37:27

Something fell on it, or on her, in fact.

0:37:270:37:30

There was a violent storm on January 6th 2000 in northern Spain.

0:37:300:37:34

Celia, she was the last ever Pyrenean ibex.

0:37:340:37:38

And the branch crushed her skull and she died, and the species was declared extinct,

0:37:380:37:44

but in 2009, nine years later, she made a comeback

0:37:440:37:48

when she became the first cloned animal that had been extinct from a piece of her skin

0:37:480:37:54

that was preserved in liquid nitrogen

0:37:540:37:57

and a little kid was born, but lasted only seven minutes, and died.

0:37:570:38:02

But it is the way forward with extinct species.

0:38:020:38:04

There are a lot of frozen arks with highly endangered species whose DNA is being kept

0:38:040:38:11

in the hope they will be resurrected one day and this is an example. For seven minutes, isn't that weird?

0:38:110:38:16

Talking of things that only show up if you look closely, it's General Ignorance. Fingers on buzzers.

0:38:160:38:21

Where was Louise Brown conceived?

0:38:210:38:25

-BUZZER

-Yes.

-In a test tube.

0:38:250:38:29

ALARM BLARES

0:38:290:38:32

As soon as it was coming out of my mouth, I thought, "You fool!"

0:38:320:38:35

Louise Brown was indeed the world's first in vitro fertilised baby.

0:38:350:38:41

But it wasn't a test tube. It was a petri dish.

0:38:410:38:44

She's a fraud! She's told everyone she's the first test tube baby!

0:38:440:38:48

-She was the first petri dish baby.

-The news claimed that she was the first test tube baby.

0:38:480:38:52

There's another Louise Brown, who's 91 years old, and lives in the Stewartry of Dumfries in Galloway,

0:38:520:38:58

who has a record, we think, in the United Kingdom, which is rather extraordinary.

0:38:580:39:03

-There's no way you could guess it.

-It must be the oldest something.

0:39:030:39:07

-Well, she...

-Oh, is it too late for this?

-No, we definitely know.

0:39:070:39:10

LAUGHTER We could ask her.

0:39:100:39:13

-We could ask her if she's still alive.

-LAUGHTER

0:39:130:39:17

We think she is the most prolific library book borrower in the country.

0:39:170:39:23

-LAUGHTER

-She has read...

-That's too much of a leap from in vitro fertilisation.

0:39:230:39:28

Just happens to be the same name. She has read just under 25,000 books.

0:39:280:39:32

-Well, she says that. She's borrowed them.

-No, no...

-LAUGHTER

0:39:320:39:37

-Yeah.

-12 a week. 12 a week and she's never once had a late fine.

0:39:370:39:42

That proves she doesn't read them. The fact that she gets them back on time.

0:39:420:39:46

It's charming. They're mostly Mills and Boon romances, war stories and historical dramas.

0:39:460:39:51

Barbara Cartland was writing that many.

0:39:510:39:54

-Yes, exactly, just..

-Just for Louise to keep reading.

-Yeah.

0:39:540:39:58

I was going to say, if Louise is watching, but she isn't, she's reading a book.

0:39:580:40:02

We salute her in the world of dying libraries.

0:40:020:40:05

Where did marsupials come from?

0:40:050:40:08

-BUZZER

-Yes.

0:40:080:40:10

-Marsupia.

-LAUGHTER

0:40:100:40:13

-It could easily have been the right answer.

-They only live in Australia.

0:40:130:40:18

-ALARM BLARES

-Not true.

0:40:180:40:21

I knew that.

0:40:210:40:23

We'll let you off. They don't only live in Australia, there are marsupials in the Americas.

0:40:230:40:28

-Are there?

-Yeah.

-Yes.

-What are they called?

-Oh...

-They're cute.

0:40:280:40:32

-We'll show you a photograph. They're the mammals with the tiniest babies.

-The echidna?

0:40:320:40:37

-Not the echidna, no.

-Are they Fingerbobs?

0:40:370:40:40

LAUGHTER

0:40:400:40:42

-They look like the Clangers!

-They really, really do look like Fingerbobs.

-They are opossums.

0:40:420:40:48

I didn't know, I thought that they were born in the pouch.

0:40:480:40:52

I didn't realise they're born and have to crawl up and get in the pouch.

0:40:520:40:56

And in the case of the opossum, you could get 20 baby opossums on a teaspoon.

0:40:560:41:00

-They are absolutely miniscule.

-Wow.

0:41:000:41:03

And the mummy licks her fur to make a line,

0:41:030:41:07

from where they're born and they crawl up into the pouch.

0:41:070:41:11

Cos the babies then develop further in the pouch.

0:41:110:41:14

-But they first began...

-That's bizarre because I was under the impression, wrong as ever,

0:41:140:41:19

marsupials evolved separately on Australia because Australia was like Madagascar, separate from evolution.

0:41:190:41:25

No, but like Madagascar and New Zealand, they all originally belonged to a super-continent,

0:41:250:41:30

-which was known as?

-Australasia?

-No. It was known as...

-Essex.

-Someone from the audience will know.

0:41:300:41:36

-AUDIENCE SHOUT

-Gondwanaland! It was a super-continent that broke off

0:41:360:41:41

and is now South America, Africa and Australasia.

0:41:410:41:43

-Or so the scientists say!

-So they say.

0:41:430:41:47

But the first marsupials came from the part that is now South America, that had been Gondwanaland.

0:41:470:41:52

But they crossed through Antarctica while it was still one continent and into Australia.

0:41:520:41:58

So there you are, that's your marsupials, actually originated in what is now part of South America.

0:41:580:42:03

-Which brings me to the matter of the scores, and they make fascinating reading.

-Oh!

0:42:030:42:10

In first place by quite a long way with plus ten points, it's Dave Gorman!

0:42:100:42:15

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much.

0:42:150:42:17

I'm speaking almost now like a proud father,

0:42:190:42:22

-with a magnificent six points, in second place, Alan Davies.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:220:42:27

-And only just behind with plus five, Lee Mack!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:310:42:37

But with a very creditable minus seven,

0:42:390:42:43

-Ronni Ancona!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:430:42:46

So, all that's left is for me to thank Ronni, Lee, Dave and, of course, Alan.

0:42:510:42:55

I leave you with this thought from Leo Burke,

0:42:550:42:58

"People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one." Good night.

0:42:580:43:02

APPLAUSE

0:43:020:43:05

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0:43:070:43:11

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0:43:110:43:15

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