Intelligence QI XL


Intelligence

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Transcript


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THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Oh!

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Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening.

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And welcome to an idiot-proof episode of QI for a quite interesting look at intelligence.

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Joining us tonight are some of the biggest brains of Britain.

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The discerning David Mitchell.

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The judicious Jo Brand.

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The perspicacious Phill Jupitus!

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And the...Alan Davies.

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And they're absolutely buzzing with intelligence. David goes...

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-BEGINNING OF MASTERMIND THEME

-Jo goes...

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NEXT BIT OF MASTERMIND THEME

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-Phill goes...

-LAST BIT OF MASTERMIND THEME

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-And Alan goes...

-"Er, pass."

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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There we are.

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Don't forget your "Nobody knows" jokers. Would you dream of forgetting them?

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Yes, in this series there is one question to which nobody knows the answer.

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Question one is pretty challenging and very much what is discussed by academics in the finest universities

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so you may want to make notes. How do you get a goose interested in volleyball?

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Jo?

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I'd like to reply with a question. How do you get ANYONE interested in volleyball?

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I believe the removal of clothes is part of the...

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That's beach volleyball.

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Well, when I say "in volleyball", I should use an indefinite article.

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-There's being interested in volleyball and in A volleyball.

-Ah! Make one out of goose food.

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Oddly enough, you don't need to do that. Their natural egg is light blue and flecked with grey.

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Scientists have found that you can make the eggs bigger and bigger and really bright blue

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with great big black polka dots and they'll sit on those instead.

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-There's no upper limit...

-It's about the shape and the colour.

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It's like us. We should eat enough food to keep ourselves alive, but we have no upper limit.

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-We'll eat another bar of chocolate and end up looking like me.

-Is that why you wear the Cadbury's livery?

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LAUGHTER

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Hoping for a freebie as always.

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It is, evolutionarily speaking, the bigger the egg, the more likely it is to want to sit on it

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-because it's more likely to be a healthy, larger chick.

-"This will be the most amazing goose ever!"

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And so they'll sit on a volleyball. That's a kind of flaw in nature, if you like.

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We have to include ourselves in this. There are certain things we don't need in excess,

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like sugar and fat and sex, but we spend lots of time eating chocolate and doing things on the internet.

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Sounds like my perfect holiday. Sugar, fat and sex. Yes, please!

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-But we've got the awareness that we do that.

-We do.

-The goose on the volleyball isn't thinking,

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"This is a bit much. The world doesn't need giant geese."

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You're right. We have the extra curse of consciousness

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that we are fools. They're fools without knowing it. It's called

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supernormal stimuli and it seems to exist in a lot of species, actually.

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Anyway, geese like their eggs the bigger the better.

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They don't know when to stop, which seems stupid, but name an intelligent bird.

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Yes?

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Me.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I was going to say Shirley Williams.

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-She is much more intelligent than I am.

-Nonsense.

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I've got to big myself up. I've got a very low IQ. No-one else will.

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I don't believe that for a second.

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-It's 83.

-Oh, my God! You're barely human.

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I don't think there are any intelligent birds. Their brains are so incredibly tiny.

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-Well...

-Like an owl. I know this as a thing.

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-65% of the skull is the eyes. The brain is virtually nothing.

-You're right.

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It's very hard to judge intelligence in a bird.

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Can they count, is one. There are birds that can count.

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Cormorants can count to eight.

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You may say, "No, hang on..." but they are used by Chinese fishermen.

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-They catch a fish and drop it on the boat...

-One!

-And the eighth one they keep for themselves.

-Eight!

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-"That's mine."

-Finished.

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"Nine!" Erp!

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But the generally smartest group is not smart because they count, but because they solve problems.

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-These are the corvids.

-Crows!

-The crows, the ravens, the jackdaws,

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the magpies. What's interesting is they can look at a problem.

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I've seen experiments where they've had a gate that's pulled up on a string

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which goes round a sort of pulley system and they will look at it

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and then go straight to pull the right piece of string to raise the door.

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We've got film here, for example, of a crow. There. It hasn't seen this hook at all.

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Ever. It's its first time.

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It's working it out. It's seen that it has a bent end.

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-And now it's pulling that out.

-How bizarre.

-Quite extraordinary.

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And now it's got its food.

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-They do seem like the most evil birds.

-They're often considered creatures of ill omen.

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In Shakespeare, they're often used as such.

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But you're just seeing them with Carmina Burana playing.

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-Imagine a crow...

-I should get something else for my iPod?

-Tijuana Taxi by Herb Alpert.

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That's a nice crow. Put a sombrero on it, take the edge off it.

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-But if you had Carmina Burana and a robin, you wouldn't think it was evil.

-I would!

-Would you?

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Dirty bastard robin!

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Anyway, there are intelligent birds, and the crow family display intelligence aplenty.

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Who first cracked the Enigma code?

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Was it the Poles?

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Top man! Absolutely right.

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APPLAUSE

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You're a good soul.

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There's a general feeling that we did all the work, but in fact,

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it was a Pole in 1932, as early as that,

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who first cracked how an Enigma machine worked.

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But in the late 1930s, the Germans changed the way they worked,

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I think it was something like 364 billion possible settings

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each day to the daily code. That's not something you could guess.

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But the first one to crack it in the beginning

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was a young Polish mathematician called Marian Rejewski.

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And if you ever go to Bletchley Park,

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and I do urge you to do so, there is a splendid statue to him...

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-Have they got a good shop?

-They have a very nice shop. They also

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have a museum of computing, which I know would excite you.

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Oh, indeed(!) I'm already moist.

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It is well established.

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The work on Enigma did do a great deal to hasten

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the end of the war. Eisenhower estimated that a shortened

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the war by two years, which is hundreds of thousands of lives.

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So it was an extraordinary important thing that these boffins got together.

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But how were they first brought together at Bletchley Park?

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What was the first move the Government made to assemble the boffins?

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-Singles club.

-It was almost that.

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It was a Telegraph crossword competition.

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Specially fiendish crossword, and the winners were sent letters

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saying, "You might be our kind of chap."

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Anyway, they then soon became aware that having people

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who knew that "carthorse" was an anagram of "orchestra"

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was not going to win them the war.

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They needed really great mathematical minds.

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It was when the world changed.

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"It will be fascinating conundrums that the Nazis will set us!

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"We will have to find clues and follow them!"

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No, you just need a supercomputer.

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Fortunately, there was a man ready for it.

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It just happened to be that history had thrown up

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a brilliant mathematician called Alan Turing

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who was at Cambridge at the time.

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He's considered the father of computing,

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one of the truly great men of his time.

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You may remember Gordon Brown making an impassioned but far too late apology

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on behalf of the British Government for his terrible death.

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He was persecuted for his homosexuality

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and chemically castrated and then committed suicide

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by eating a poisoned apple.

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There are many to this day who believe that Apple computers

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named their apple with the bite out of it in honour of Alan Turing,

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the father of computing.

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I was in a position to ask one of the founders, Steve Jobs,

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and he said, "It isn't true, but God, we wish it were."

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It is just a coincidence, but they're very proud that people think it might be,

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because he was an extraordinary man.

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But the real fiendish thing was not Enigma. It was called Lorenz.

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Lorenz was used by German High Command and Hitler himself, basically.

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Lorenz was unbelievably difficult,

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and for that, Turing and his team built what really was

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the world's first computer. It was called Colossus.

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It was way ahead of its time, it was quite extraordinary.

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It was all a complete national secret until very recently, wasn't it?

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Or quite recently.

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Absolutely. There is Bletchley Park. It is open to the public.

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I'm a big advocate for it. I make no apology for banging its drum.

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It's a great place.

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It's an interesting choice that we took as a nation, though,

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during the Second World War, which was an expensive experience for us

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and left us bankrupt, but out of it we had, basically,

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invented the computer, and we decided to make it a secret.

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-Yes!

-Without in any sense attempting to monetise it.

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Actually, we gave the secret of Colossus to the CIA.

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Oh, superb(!)

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What an excellent move. No-one will be needing that(!)

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There were a lot of people in British Government who thought,

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"What are these people in damp tweed with pipes and glasses doing

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"writing on bits of paper?"

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It was quite a big budget. "What are they doing?"

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Churchill had a look round and the fellow explained what they were doing,

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and there's a famous memo in Churchill's hand that just says "Give them what they want."

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Fantastic, that, isn't it?

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Can I just ask, and you may not be able to answer this,

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but what was the nature of the Enigma code?

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-Was it mathematical?

-Yes. Don't ask me to give you precise details.

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I'm really no expert, but it was purely physical, mechanical device,

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but it had so many different rotors that had so many different angles

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and positions that there were hundreds of billions of permutations.

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It was our job to intercept or work out what the codeword

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of the day was and then we could translate the messages.

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But they were very lazy.

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The Germans made mistakes by using the names of their dogs and things.

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A lot of intelligence was gathered about people in Naval Intelligence,

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in particular about their dogs, their girlfriends.

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It's a bit like passwords.

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I'm beginning to think that

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people might be able to hack into my John Lewis account.

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Not named after your dog, surely?

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It's ironic, though, that they invented a computer which finished the war early,

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but the cyber war being waged by China will be the death of all of us.

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Yes. There is some... The worry about it is, I was speaking to

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a man at Los Alamos, which is where they developed the nuclear bomb.

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They said they had something like one million attacks an hour

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on their cyber front-end security. I said, "What, hackers?"

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And they said, "No. Nations. Well, let's be honest, one nation."

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And I was interviewing him on camera, and I said,

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"Would it rhyme with 'bina'?"

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He said, "It might well do." I said, "That's how many times

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"they're battering on the doors of your security?"

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They've got thousands of computers trying to work it out

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24 hours a day.

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Presumably, we're attempting in our own befuddled way to do the same.

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We've got a ZX80 on it 24/7!

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Except when Wimbledon's on!

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Yes, we've got a crow that can get a tiny bucket out of a Perspex tube!

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Take that, China!

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How long does the perfect job interview last?

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Yes, Jo?

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How long does a blowjob take?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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The extraordinary thing is the answer is exactly what I've got on my card -

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it's 12 seconds!

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-LAUGHTER

-You're absolutely right!

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Wow. Very good. It does seem that 12 seconds is enough.

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And, bizarrely, you don't even have to hear. You can see video of someone and most people will agree

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to give him or her the job. After 12 seconds, the mind has been made up, it seems.

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Something about the attitude, the confidence, whatever it is,

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if it hasn't come across in 12 seconds, it won't.

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-Or so it would seem. Have you ever had to apply for a job?

-Loads.

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-Never got any of them.

-You're here, aren't you?

-True.

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-But I slept with you, as you well know.

-One of the best 12 seconds of my life!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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But I have applied for loads of jobs and not got a lot of them,

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but so much is to do with appearance, isn't it?

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As a fat person, you are pretty swiftly written off if there's a thin person in the offing.

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-That sort of thing makes a really big difference.

-And they would never dare admit it.

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Well, they told me a few times.

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"We'd love to employ you, but we've got a thin person."

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-"I understand."

-Outrageous! How about you, Alan? What have you done before you went into comedy?

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-I never wanted to have a job.

-Really?!

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-In the event of an interview, wear flip-flops.

-LAUGHTER

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You will never be employed. Go in, put your feet up on the desk.

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-And they'll get the next person in!

-That's fair.

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We have here a list of job interview questions you shouldn't ask, if we're the interviewing panel.

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You're not to ask, "Are you a smoker?" "Are you originally from the OK?" The UK!

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But if you're interviewing for a cowboy, it's a good question.

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I was going to say it's not OK to say, "Are you originally from the UK?" I screwed it up.

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-"Do you have children who need to be looked after?"

-"In the event of a fire, will you stop working?"

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"Do you plan to have children in future?" And then, "What are your weaknesses?" is a common one.

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The temptation, of course, is to attempt to subvert it by naming a weakness that is a strength.

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"Oh, my trouble is I'm just a terrible perfectionist. I can't stop until it's perfect."

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-"I'm so punctual!"

-"My problem is I'm really nice. I'm too nice."

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That is transparent. Don't do that. Say one that is not terrible,

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like, "I tend to get bogged down in details, but I'm making an effort."

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-"I'm a terrible thief."

-LAUGHTER

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-"I love other people's stuff."

-"I can't concentr... Oh, look! A squirrel!"

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"What are your weaknesses?" "Heroin and masturbating, not necessarily in that order."

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-"What are your strengths?" Here's another one.

-"My odour. I've got a powerful odour.

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"It only gets stronger as the day goes on."

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LAUGHTER

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-You're still wearing your "I don't want a bloody job" hat!

-"These feet stink by four o'clock."

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Don't say, "I work well without supervision,"

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which may seem good, but it sounds, "I resent management," is what you're saying.

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So say, "I work equally well with or without supervision."

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"I relish working in a team."

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Yes! Eugh! Vomit-worthy, isn't it?

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Don't say, "I'm confident, outgoing and a natural leader." That suggests a reincarnation of Adolf Hitler.

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Say, "I have good interpersonal skills."

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If I met someone who said who said they had good interpersonal skills,

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I'd get a rusty knife and do that in their stomach.

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-Until they bled to death!

-"I've got good interpersonal skills" is proof that you don't!

-Exactly!

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You immediately annoy the person you're talking to.

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"I'm comfortable taking instructions from idiots like you."

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LAUGHTER

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There are weird things like the person interviewing you might just fall asleep.

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Apparently, the smart thing to do

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-is leave a note saying, "I enjoyed meeting you."

-Is it?!

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-I'd say that's an incredibly unassertive thing to do.

-I agree.

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"Wake up, you lazy sod! This is my life we're talking about!"

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So you mustn't lick their face?

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-LAUGHTER

-Now, that would be good.

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Imagine them waking up and you're there with your tongue on their nose.

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I had a job in the Civil Service - loved that(!) - for six months and they asked me the wrong question.

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If they'd said to me, "Are you likely in three months' time to get pissed in the club bar,

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"go back to your desk, fall asleep and then fall off your chair?"

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I could have said yes and they could have not given me the job, but that is what happened and I got sacked.

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-They stupidly didn't have a question for that.

-The wrong question.

-No-one but themselves to blame.

-Absolutely.

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They also ask, "How many piano tuners are there in the UK?"

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-What?!

-It tests your initiative or your wit when you give an answer.

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"Will you take advantage of Bring Your Kestrel To Work Thursday?"

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The whole thing sounds horrible, the world of job interviews.

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The thing that seems unfair to me is people expected to pretend to care about jobs they don't care about.

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You should be allowed to say, "You can't put in my contract that I have to seem like I give a shit."

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-LAUGHTER

-That's expecting too much.

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I really like living in a country with such poor customer service.

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I've got respect for that.

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"This is a horrible train, you're tearing tickets. Of course you're in an awful mood."

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Now that you've put it like that I shall feel better about it.

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Why have a cheesy grin on your face if you work in an awful supermarket?

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It's the sign either of a liar or a moron.

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-Exactly.

-It's funny when people are rude in shops, isn't it? It still takes you by surprise.

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My wife went to a shop today to buy an ironing basket. "I've never heard of such a thing.

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-"I have no idea where you would find something like that."

-"You've just put two words next to each other

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-"in a mad way!"

-Me and my mates would deliberately go to a Chinese restaurant

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in Wardour Street because they were so foul to you.

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The best ever time we went there, we were actually moved mid-meal to a different floor.

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LAUGHTER

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"You go upstair now!"

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"Excuse me?" "You go upstair now. This table booked."

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"I'm in the middle of my dinner!" "You go upstair!"

0:20:550:20:58

An army of waiters moved our meal. I was pissing myself!

0:20:580:21:03

LAUGHTER Fantastic.

0:21:030:21:06

Job interviews only need to last 12 seconds, it seems.

0:21:060:21:10

Of course, it helps to believe in yourself as well.

0:21:100:21:12

How do you know if you're incompetent?

0:21:120:21:16

"MASTERMIND" THEME

0:21:160:21:19

Is it because you did very badly at your last job which

0:21:190:21:22

involved organising a piss-up in a brewery?

0:21:220:21:25

You'd think that would be hint wouldn't you?

0:21:250:21:27

No, there is a thing called the Dunning-Kruger effect

0:21:270:21:32

which is that if you're incompetent, you don't know it because the thing

0:21:320:21:35

that makes you incompetent means you don't realise what the competent thing is.

0:21:350:21:40

So lets imagine you've got a rather mediocre doctor who hasn't

0:21:400:21:44

diagnosed something that a smarter doctor would have done.

0:21:440:21:47

The incompetent doctor doesn't know he's incompetent because he doesn't

0:21:470:21:51

know what it is that he hasn't done. Do you see what I mean?

0:21:510:21:54

-Doesn't he realise that when the patient dies?

-Patients die anyway.

0:21:540:21:57

Only if some really smart doctor goes, didn't you realise this? Then they go, "Oops!"

0:21:570:22:00

But the fact is they don't know they're incompetent

0:22:000:22:02

They don't know they're incompetent,

0:22:020:22:05

that's sort of what makes you incompetent. The fact is, we don't know...what we don't know.

0:22:050:22:10

Are you saying you can tell if you're incompetent if you're happy?

0:22:100:22:14

Basically! There are incompetent people who you feel, must know they're incompetent.

0:22:140:22:20

There were a couple of thieves in America, you'll be surprised to know,

0:22:200:22:24

who surprised themselves thus, using Magic Markers.

0:22:240:22:27

LAUGHTER

0:22:270:22:29

They thought the could get away with that! That was in Iowa.

0:22:290:22:33

There's a look of realisation in their eyes.

0:22:330:22:37

Yes, we now realise this wouldn't have been sufficient.

0:22:370:22:41

in 1994 a 30-year-old plumber and part time terrorist

0:22:410:22:45

in sunny Al Jahaleen entered the cinema in Al Zarqa in Jordan with a bomb.

0:22:450:22:50

It was showing x-rated films which he disapproved

0:22:500:22:54

so he planted his bomb under a seat but then got carried away

0:22:540:23:00

watching the film and it exploded and too away both his legs!

0:23:000:23:04

-The bomb?

-Yes.

-Thank god.

0:23:040:23:08

Isn't that excellent news?

0:23:100:23:12

Um, anyway... Very strange!

0:23:120:23:16

Now, would you like to see an ingenious interlude?

0:23:160:23:19

-I've been trying to get better at these chemistry experiments.

-These are my favourite bits.

0:23:190:23:24

They are fun. This is a speaker, as you can see.

0:23:240:23:27

This is cornflour mixed with water, as you would buy in any high street cornflour shop or supermarket.

0:23:270:23:34

-It's used as a thickening agent.

-It's not green, though.

-We've made i green to make it stand out more.

0:23:340:23:40

It has a particular property. It's a non-Newtonian fluid. It's very peculiar.

0:23:400:23:45

I'm going to pour it here. Gloopy, I think, is the word.

0:23:450:23:48

And unlike most liquids which change their viscosity according to their temperature,

0:23:480:23:54

these change according to pressure

0:23:540:23:57

and we hope that a bit of sound played by Ben, our sound man...

0:23:570:24:01

-LOW VIBRATING SOUND Hello!

-It's beginning to vibrate.

0:24:010:24:04

As it gets louder, the effect will get more extraordinary... It's a wonderful feeling.

0:24:040:24:10

-LAUGHTER

-I might be able to give it a tickle with a spoon. There we go.

0:24:100:24:15

There you are.

0:24:150:24:17

If I keep... Oops!

0:24:170:24:19

And you start to get basically little Morphs making love with each other.

0:24:190:24:25

LAUGHTER

0:24:250:24:27

-It's so weird.

-Isn't it? There you go.

0:24:270:24:30

You have just screwed every stereo of every QI viewer.

0:24:300:24:35

Isn't that creepy?

0:24:360:24:39

-Margaret, get the cornflour!

-It's like little wavy, green people.

0:24:390:24:44

And they're all rising and making love.

0:24:440:24:47

-That's what you say!

-You're adding that.

-It looks like it.

-I think they're being burned alive.

0:24:470:24:54

-Some of them are waving.

-"Help me, I'm drowning!"

0:24:540:24:58

Isn't it extraordinary?

0:24:580:25:00

And all that is is water and cornflour. It's quite amazing.

0:25:000:25:04

-What?!

-It's the actual vibrations, the physical effect that changes the viscosity.

0:25:040:25:10

Let's all gather round.

0:25:100:25:12

-They climb out... They look as if they're trying to climb out.

-Yes.

0:25:120:25:16

-It's rather beautiful.

-That is fantastic.

-Isn't it?

0:25:180:25:22

It's like a glimpse into hell, isn't it?

0:25:220:25:25

-All the souls writhing around, trying to escape.

-That's just what it looks like.

0:25:250:25:30

-Maybe it is.

-Yes, souls in agony.

0:25:300:25:33

And then it goes quiet again and settles back into liquid form.

0:25:330:25:38

-Isn't that amazing?

-APPLAUSE

0:25:380:25:41

Well, I've got, um...

0:25:440:25:47

I've got clingfilm, but they've not furnished me with a wet wipe.

0:25:470:25:51

Oh, look at the muck on 'ere!

0:25:540:25:56

-Would you like a tissue?

-"I was at work tonight and I got green gunk all over me purple suit!

0:25:560:26:02

-"Eeh, I look like Jack Nicholson!"

-Oh, there we are.

0:26:020:26:05

There are various non-Newtonian fluids. They are working on a liquid armour,

0:26:050:26:10

which is weird, but the higher the pressure of the bullet, the more solid the liquid will become.

0:26:100:26:16

-How am I only seeing this for the first time tonight?

-It's exciting.

0:26:160:26:20

Every time I go round someone's house, why aren't they playing dub reggae and getting the cornflour out.

0:26:200:26:26

You know what to do next time. Now, what is this robot designed to do?

0:26:260:26:32

-"MASTERMIND" THEME

-Blimey! Yes?

0:26:340:26:36

To overthrow the puny humans?

0:26:360:26:39

That's what most robots are designed to do.

0:26:390:26:42

-It's for hanging a jacket on.

-This is actually an iron-shirt robot.

0:26:420:26:47

It irons your shirt. You put on a shirt and it puffs up and irons it, gets rid of its creases.

0:26:470:26:53

I think it might be a replacement husband because it's just sitting there doing fuck-all.

0:26:530:26:58

That would be a good job. The fact is, there was so much promise for robots

0:26:590:27:04

and a lot of artificial intelligence research.

0:27:040:27:07

Sorry, is it just this atmosphere? Are you thirsty?

0:27:070:27:11

Can we have a drink? Thank you.

0:27:120:27:14

-I've got a friend here who's going to give me a drink.

-It's not like Yo! Sushi, is it?

-No. Here we are.

0:27:140:27:21

APPLAUSE

0:27:210:27:24

'This is for you.'

0:27:270:27:29

Thank you.

0:27:290:27:32

That's very kind of you. Welcome to QI, Asimo.

0:27:320:27:36

'Thank you, Stephen. It is great to be here.'

0:27:360:27:39

Isn't he marvellous?

0:27:390:27:41

"Here I am, brain the size of a planet, opening doors..."

0:27:410:27:46

-You're the most advanced humanoid robot on the planet? Is that right?

-'That is what they tell me.'

0:27:470:27:54

Why don't you show us what you can do?

0:27:540:27:57

'I would love to.'

0:27:570:27:59

-Is he going to kill me?

-Honestly, I promise you you are going to be impressed.

0:28:000:28:05

I mean, this is... This movement that is so simple to us...

0:28:060:28:12

They can do calculations we could never dream of doing, any computer, but this movement he's doing...

0:28:120:28:18

He's going to go down a step, right?

0:28:180:28:20

-Give him time.

-If he falls over, that's 20 million quid up the Swanee!

0:28:200:28:25

APPLAUSE

0:28:250:28:28

Now...

0:28:280:28:29

LAUGHTER

0:28:330:28:35

Now he'll do something that I think no-one in this room will ever have seen, which is truly miraculous.

0:28:350:28:41

"Studio audience killed by runaway robot!"

0:28:410:28:44

No, he's going to run. I'd like you to run, Asimo. This takes him a bit of time.

0:28:440:28:50

Both feet will leave the ground and he will run.

0:28:500:28:53

There he goes.

0:28:530:28:55

Ohh! APPLAUSE

0:28:550:28:57

Isn't that amazing?

0:28:570:29:00

-It is.

-Isn't that incredible?

0:29:000:29:02

Well done.

0:29:060:29:08

Well done, Asimo. I think it's only fair that you get some points.

0:29:080:29:13

'Thanks, but what I would really like is a dance with Jo.'

0:29:130:29:17

LAUGHTER

0:29:170:29:19

-Oh, my word!

-I think that can be arranged.

0:29:190:29:22

He wouldn't say that if he'd met me.

0:29:270:29:30

'Hi, Jo.'

0:29:310:29:33

Hi, Asimo. I'm married. Sorry.

0:29:330:29:37

DISCO MUSIC

0:29:390:29:42

Oh, yes!

0:29:450:29:47

CHEERING

0:30:050:30:07

Well done, everybody.

0:30:160:30:18

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-And he's bowing!

0:30:180:30:21

LAUGHTER

0:30:230:30:25

Amazing!

0:30:260:30:27

-I've scored!

-Thank you very much, Asimo.

0:30:270:30:31

Goodbye then.

0:30:310:30:33

-What's the battery like on one of these?

-Love you!

0:30:330:30:37

APPLAUSE

0:30:370:30:39

There he goes.

0:30:440:30:46

-Round the corner.

-I can't help feeling he's heavily weaponised.

0:30:460:30:50

-Should be in the movies.

-Why do you think he's called Asimo?

0:30:500:30:54

It's bloody depressing that even a robot can dance better than I can!

0:30:540:30:59

I presume it's an acronym, is it?

0:31:000:31:03

-Asimo?

-Is it a tribute to Isaac Asimov?

-No, that's what a lot of people assume.

0:31:030:31:08

It's a coincidence. It's from the Japanese. "Asi" means "feet" and "mo" is short for "movement".

0:31:080:31:14

They're most proud, you can see why, of his extraordinary ability.

0:31:140:31:18

The amount of technology that goes into a machine that can walk bipedally like that and run!

0:31:180:31:24

We're at that stage now, which is amazing, but how far are we

0:31:240:31:27

-from mechagodzilla?

-Ah, that's what we need.

0:31:270:31:29

That's a great big tall one, bigger than buildings, running round Tokyo.

0:31:290:31:35

-Breathing fire as well, doesn't it?

-I don't know that mechagodzilla breathed fire

0:31:350:31:39

-as much as had missiles in his fists.

-Oh yes! Got to be one of the other, surely.

0:31:390:31:43

I'm not absolutely sure about the voice. It sounds a bit like Michael Jackson which is a bit chilling.

0:31:430:31:48

Yeah, it would be more reassuring if it was a mechanical voice.

0:31:480:31:53

What, like a more sort of...

0:31:530:31:55

GRUFF VOICE: "Hello, Jo, do you want to dance?"

0:31:550:31:59

Or maybe Bernard Manning?

0:31:590:32:01

-Or Ste-phen Haw-king, it could talk to you like him.

-That's very good.

0:32:010:32:05

I think it would have been more reassuring if its dancing was like robotic dancing,

0:32:050:32:10

rather than trying to be human.

0:32:100:32:12

I find its attempts to be human tragic.

0:32:120:32:15

LAUGHTER

0:32:150:32:18

Well, aren't you easily pleased(?)

0:32:180:32:20

I'd like for it to be like Jerry Springer. The robot runs on and goes "Who are you cal-ling rub-bish?"

0:32:200:32:26

LAUGHTER

0:32:260:32:28

Then big blokes in QI black T-shirts have to pull it off... LAUGHTER

0:32:280:32:33

ROBOTIC VOICE: "Get off me, you slags! Get off me, you slags!

0:32:330:32:36

"He was asking for it."

0:32:360:32:39

"I want a DNA test!"

0:32:390:32:42

LAUGHTER

0:32:420:32:44

APPLAUSE

0:32:440:32:45

At the moment, he can recognise people, objects and gestures.

0:32:490:32:53

He has cameras in there.

0:32:530:32:54

He can calculate distances and the direction of movement and create flexible routes to a destination.

0:32:540:33:01

He can hear and speak to an extent.

0:33:010:33:03

He can understand about 50 different calls and greetings,

0:33:030:33:06

as well as 30 different commands and react to them accordingly.

0:33:060:33:10

There's a long way to go, but I was bloody impressed. Thank you very much to Asimo and his handlers.

0:33:100:33:16

APPLAUSE

0:33:160:33:19

That brings us to the all-too human world of general ignorance. Fingers on buzzers, if you please.

0:33:220:33:28

How many piano tuners are there in the UK?

0:33:280:33:32

Is the right answer!

0:33:330:33:36

-'Nobody knows.'

-Yes, get in there...

-APPLAUSE

0:33:360:33:40

Yes, it's a very strange thing,

0:33:400:33:43

but even the British Association of Piano Tuners has no idea how many piano tuners there are.

0:33:430:33:49

Somewhere between 1,000 and 10,000 is their guess.

0:33:490:33:53

-That's a very wide gap.

-It is a very wide gap. They just don't know.

0:33:530:33:57

You could try and work it out.

0:33:570:33:59

You could look in the Yellow Pages and count them.

0:33:590:34:02

Don't people have to put what their job is in the Census?

0:34:020:34:06

A piano tuner is often a moonlighting job, not necessarily a full-time one.

0:34:060:34:11

I like the idea that the part-time masturbating terrorist was also a piano tuner as well.

0:34:110:34:16

-One of his many other jobs.

-Indeed, indeed,

0:34:160:34:19

-and a dental technician.

-Also delivered the Baghdad exchange and mark.

-Yes.

0:34:190:34:23

On a clock face, how many times a day do the two hands overlap?

0:34:230:34:29

This is definitely one to avoid answering at all costs.

0:34:320:34:37

I mean... Isn't it every hour, surely? So 24, 12 times?

0:34:370:34:43

ALARM SOUNDS

0:34:430:34:47

Well you'd think it would be 24,

0:34:470:34:49

you'd think it would until you reason thusly -

0:34:490:34:52

that the first time it overlaps is at 12 o'clock.

0:34:520:34:54

And then at five past one, and ten past two and quarter past three.

0:34:540:34:57

Yes but you lose an hour, you lose one in 12.

0:34:570:35:00

In fact we can show it speeded up and you can count.

0:35:000:35:02

It starts with 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...

0:35:020:35:06

I feel like I'm getting older.

0:35:140:35:17

22 is the answer, yeah, and you can do the math!

0:35:170:35:22

In as much as the hour hand moves forward to the one it takes a minute

0:35:220:35:26

and a little more than 65 minutes to catch up with it, not 60.

0:35:260:35:29

There are 1,440 minutes in the day,

0:35:290:35:31

divided by 65 equals 22 and a tiny bit.

0:35:310:35:34

So that's 22 overlaps a day. You look pleased.

0:35:340:35:38

Can I just say, I used to think I was intelligent but I'm not.

0:35:380:35:42

Oh, you are. It's one of those things, you can make up for it

0:35:420:35:46

by telling us where the biggest clock face in Britain is.

0:35:460:35:48

Is it going to be in a public place like a railway station?

0:35:480:35:52

-Is it one of those, like, garden ones? Is it a floral?

-No, it's not.

0:35:520:35:56

-It's not far from here.

-Palace of Westminster?

0:35:560:35:58

-ALARM

-Oh, no, I'm afraid it's not, no.

0:35:580:36:01

It's not what is commonly called Big Ben or St Stephen's tower,

0:36:010:36:05

it's not that one, though that is a jolly big one, that's 23ft in diameter.

0:36:050:36:09

The one we're after is opposite it.

0:36:090:36:10

-Is it the wheel, the Millennium Wheel?

-No, that doesn't count,

0:36:100:36:14

it's opposite the Millennium Wheel, virtually.

0:36:140:36:17

-Oh, the Shell building?

-The Shell Mex building on The Strand, absolutely right.

0:36:170:36:22

It's now the headquarters of Penguin, the publishers,

0:36:220:36:25

there it is. Rather splendid -

0:36:250:36:27

it's the biggest clock face in Britain. The second biggest after that

0:36:270:36:32

is the Royal Liver Building clock which is also slightly bigger

0:36:320:36:36

than what we'll call Big Ben.

0:36:360:36:38

-LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT:

-That's it, the Liver Building now, like, eh?

0:36:380:36:41

-Eh?

-Eh?

0:36:410:36:45

Now then!

0:36:450:36:48

So, the hands on a clock overlap 22 times a day.

0:36:480:36:53

Now, when was time immemorial?

0:36:530:36:56

# The Simpsons! #

0:36:560:36:58

LAUGHTER

0:36:580:37:00

HUMS "THE SIMPSONS" THEME TUNE

0:37:020:37:05

-The time before The Simpsons started?

-That would count.

0:37:080:37:11

-I don't understand what "time immemorial" means.

-If you say, for example...

0:37:110:37:16

If you can prove in a court of law that you've been grazing your sheep on some land since time immemorial,

0:37:160:37:22

you don't have to re-justify your right to do it.

0:37:220:37:25

-It's an established practice that has been done since time immemorial.

-It doesn't mean "for ever"?

-No.

0:37:250:37:32

It specifically, originally meant the 6th of July, 1189.

0:37:320:37:36

LAUGHTER

0:37:360:37:38

There must have been a lot of excitement in the run-up to that. "It's time immemorial tomorrow!"

0:37:380:37:45

-And there'd be...

-"At last we can get things sorted.

0:37:460:37:49

"Whatever's happening tomorrow, we stick to."

0:37:490:37:53

It was the day of the coronation of a particular sovereign in our country.

0:37:540:38:00

-Richard I.

-You read History and that's damn good. It wasn't a wasted education. It was indeed Richard I

0:38:000:38:06

who was crowned in 1189.

0:38:060:38:09

It was decided then that the first Statute of Westminster,

0:38:090:38:13

which was a few years after his reign, it defined his reign as the limit of legal memory.

0:38:130:38:19

Did they have to raise such an army just to catch those two seagulls?

0:38:190:38:23

LAUGHTER

0:38:230:38:27

"There they are!

0:38:270:38:29

"After them, men!

0:38:290:38:31

"They've been flying since time immemorial!"

0:38:310:38:35

The one on the right is saying, "I can't believe we're doing all this for those two poxy seagulls!"

0:38:350:38:41

Do you think the French, when they saw them, thought, "Oh, my God, it's the Red Cross people!

0:38:410:38:46

"Try and not meet their eye. Sorry, mate, I've got to go. I can't stop."

0:38:460:38:52

What is the brakeman's job during a bobsleigh race?

0:38:520:38:56

Oh, he puts the brakes on.

0:38:560:38:58

-ALARM SOUNDS

-Oh, Jo, no, no, no.

0:38:580:39:00

I was just trying to move us on!

0:39:000:39:03

He's the last one to jump on. He's the one who gives it the biggest push, he's the biggest, usually,

0:39:030:39:09

he's the one who gets it really accelerating.

0:39:090:39:12

You're not allowed to brake during the race cos you'd ruin the smooth surface of the ice.

0:39:120:39:17

Um, there are other versions that are done on bobsleigh courses, such as luging, what does luging involve?

0:39:170:39:23

-Going down on a tea tray.

-Yeah,

0:39:230:39:25

that's right. In which direction, as it were?

0:39:250:39:27

Feet-first is luging, and what's the other one where you're head-first?

0:39:270:39:30

-Suicide.

-Yeah, you'd think!

0:39:300:39:32

The Cresta Run is a skeleton which is where you're head-first

0:39:320:39:35

and you slide down at incredible speed.

0:39:350:39:38

There was a time in the late 19th century when the fastest people on the planet were the people

0:39:380:39:44

who did the Cresta Run, until the invention of the aeroplane.

0:39:440:39:46

-I've got a supplementary question which might help you get some points.

-Can you remember

0:39:460:39:51

which Caribbean country surprisingly came 29th in the 88th...

0:39:510:39:52

"MASTERMIND" THEME Jamaica.

0:39:520:39:55

-ALARM

-Oh, dear.

0:39:550:39:58

No, no, I'm afraid Jamaica came 30th. The surprising thing is

0:39:580:40:02

there was another Caribbean country about which they didn't make a film.

0:40:020:40:07

The film, as you see, there's John Candy, was Cool Runnings, a fine film.

0:40:070:40:13

But for some reason they decided the heroic achievement

0:40:130:40:17

of the Dutch Lesser Antilles team was not worthy of a film.

0:40:170:40:21

-Just wasn't as cool as Jamaica, they don't have a Bob Marley figure I suppose.

-But also, they've not got a catchy name for their country.

0:40:210:40:28

It's confusing because it's got the nationality

0:40:280:40:31

-of a different country in it.

-And it's lesser.

0:40:310:40:34

-Yeah, it's...

-Dutch Lesser Antilles.

0:40:340:40:37

Bizarre you should say that because it not longer exists -

0:40:370:40:40

The Netherlands and Antilles went their separate ways

0:40:400:40:42

and it ceased to exist in 2010

0:40:420:40:45

and its national anthem when it did exist was called Anthem Without a Title.

0:40:450:40:49

Because the title of our country is so poor we can't trust ourselves

0:40:490:40:53

to think of another one. We'll call it French Song or something!

0:40:530:40:58

It's terribly sad. Anyway, so that was the story of the Dutch Lesser Antilles

0:40:580:41:03

and their famous bobsleigh team

0:41:030:41:05

who came 29th in the '88 winter Olympics.

0:41:050:41:08

It brings us to the end of this QI IQ test,

0:41:080:41:12

so hand in your papers and I'll tally up the scores and oh, my goodness me!

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Well, it's very exciting, actually.

0:41:170:41:19

Top of the class

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with four points

0:41:220:41:24

is David Mitchell!

0:41:240:41:26

APPLAUSE

0:41:260:41:28

In second place with minus four is Phill Jupitus.

0:41:310:41:37

APPLAUSE

0:41:370:41:40

And in third place with minus eight is Jo Brand.

0:41:440:41:48

APPLAUSE

0:41:480:41:51

In clear last place with minus 16 is Alan Davies.

0:41:530:41:59

APPLAUSE

0:41:590:42:00

But...

0:42:020:42:04

the clear, clear winner this week with an extraordinary 32 points

0:42:040:42:09

is the magnificent Asimo!

0:42:090:42:12

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:120:42:15

So it's good night from David, Phill, Jo, Alan and not forgetting Asimo and me.

0:42:230:42:30

And I just want to share with you the cover story of a recent National Geographic magazine,

0:42:300:42:36

which is about the recreation by archaeologists at Gobekli Tepe in Turkey.

0:42:360:42:41

It's the oldest temple in the world. Some people think it's the oldest building in the world.

0:42:410:42:47

It's 11,600 years old and what excites me is that it looks like this.

0:42:470:42:52

Does it remind you of anything?

0:42:520:42:54

Good night. On that bombshell, good night.

0:42:540:42:57

APPLAUSE

0:42:580:43:00

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0:43:160:43:20

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0:43:200:43:23

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