Indecision QI XL


Indecision

Stephen Fry comes over all indecisive. With Phill Jupitus, Rich Hall, Jimmy Carr and Alan Davies.


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Transcript


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APPLAUSE

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Good...evening!

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Good evening. Good evening, good evening, good evening,

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and welcome to an absolutely choice edition of QI,

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which is all about indecision.

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All in a dither tonight are A, Jimmy Carr...

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CHEERING

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-..B, Rich Hall...

-CHEERING

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-..C, Phill Jupitus

-CHEERING

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..or D, none of the above, Alan Davies.

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CHEERING

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Your buzzers are designed to help you make up your mind.

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-Jimmy goes...

-WOMAN: "Turn right. Turn right."

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-Phill goes...

-WOMAN: "Turn left. Turn left."

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-Rich goes...

-WOMAN: "Turn round. Turn round."

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-And Alan goes...

-MAN: "Excuse me, sir. Is this your vehicle? Are you sure?

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"Would you blow into this bag, please, sir?"

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And don't forget your "nobody knows" jokers.

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Have you got them there?

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FANFARE "Nobody knows."

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There is a question, to which the answer is "nobody knows".

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If you can flag it up, you get extra points.

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Now, why was this tosser thrown out of The Magic Circle?

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"Tosser" is a technical term in this particular -

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Was he using real magic?

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That's not the reason, but it's a damn good thought.

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-What gets you thrown out of The Magic Circle?

-Giving away the secrets.

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Yes. This guy, John Lenahan, was thrown out of The Magic Circle

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for giving away a particular - a very famous -

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you just have to buy a book and you know how to do it.

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He said if he'd been a murderer, he'd have be out of prison by now,

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but he's out of The Magic Circle for life because he appeared on Des Lynam's "How Do They Do That?"

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-and revealed...

-Oh, Lynam!

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..one of the classic card scams

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that is used on street corners to make money.

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-Oh! Find the Lady.

-Or as they call it in America, Three-card Monte.

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-Exactly.

-Because Find the Lady...

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I prefer Three-card Monte because Find the Lady - I had a really bad experience in Thailand once.

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-Did you feel a bit of a dick?!

-LAUGHTER

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Oh, I'm sorry!

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APPLAUSE

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And they've always got the guy that comes up and goes,

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"Oh, this looks pretty good, everyone. I might have a go at this."

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You're right. They have shills - the guys who say...

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They put the money down and are paid out, you know.

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-We've given you some money. Have you got it there?

-OK.

-I have some to pay you, in case you get it right.

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Here you are. Watch the screen. All you have to do is find the lady.

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Watch and then... There we go.

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-There she is.

-Oh, OK.

-Keep your eyes on her.

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OK, which is she?

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-Left.

-You're saying the left?

-Yes.

-Middle.

-Middle?!

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-Audience?

-ALL: Left.

-It's obviously the left.

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Here you are. Course it's on the left.

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You just follow it with your eyes.

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Let's have another go. This time, we'll do it for money now you've got the idea.

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Keep your eyes on the lady.

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-There she is.

-OK.

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-OK. Where's she gone?

-Right, OK, you three put that on a card each,

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and I will stick this in a lady's knickers in the audience.

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That's a whole other game! That's a whole other lady to find.

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There's a lady put her hand up over there.

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-She put her hand up what?

-LAUGHTER

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That's the trouble with this game. You always want to see it a second time.

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-Place your bets.

-I'm going left.

-Left. OK.

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I'm going left.

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-Right.

-Right.

-Left.

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Three lefts and a right.

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Audience, how many think left?

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Oh, most of you.

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How many think middle?

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Only very few. How many think right? Actually, the majority think right.

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OK, let's show.

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-It is indeed the left!

-Two in a row! Come on!

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-That's brilliant.

-That's it, I'm getting my real money out. I'm on a roll!

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That's the time to quit!

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I ought to explain when talking about John Lenahan,

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when I called him a tosser, that is the name for the guy who does that trick.

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It's called tossing. You can win a lot of money by tossing.

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-Argh!

-What the...?

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LAUGHTER

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I think somebody thought it was real money. Anyway... Interesting.

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-OK.

-What the hell was that?

-We'll find out, maybe or maybe not.

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-OK, so -

-I'm not in on that, I just want you to know!

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LAUGHTER

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Anyway, John Lenahan was expelled from The Magic Circle

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for exposing the secret of Find the Lady on TV.

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The real secret is, even if you choose correctly,

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someone is likely to run off with the money,

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because that's the way they work.

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Now for something beginning with "I" you wouldn't choose in 100 years.

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Who expected the Spanish Inquisition?

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Was it... Er... Was it...

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No. LAUGHTER

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According to Monty Python, nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

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But, in fact, they couldn't be more wrong.

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Was it the Ku Klux Klan? Because those two fellas...

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Yeah, it's true. They did wear similar...

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-PHILL:

-I thought that was the Pet Shop Boys.

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LAUGHTER

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That's one of their best videos, actually. It's very moody.

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The fact is, the Spanish Inquisition always gave you 30 days' notice.

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-They said...

-LAUGHTER

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They said, "We're coming to inquisite you," or whatever verb they would use.

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"Is that Mr Rabinowitz? It's the Inquisition here.

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"How are you? Good.

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"We're going to come round and pull your balls out through your mouth."

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"We're in the area.

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"But only for the next 30 days. Take advantage."

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-They gave you 30 days?

-They're like the TV licence van!

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They gave you 30 days to prepare and prove that you weren't a heretic.

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You had to wait around the house all day.

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-"They'll be there between eight and five."

-Or get a priest! Exactly!

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Or say, "Torture my neighbour. I won't be in.

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"He'll take my torture for me."

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No, it is a surprising thing, perhaps. But when was it instituted?

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It went on for 350 years.

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-Give me a century.

-1483.

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-I can tell you -

-Bloody hell, that's close! Did you say 1483?

-Yeah.

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Is that a guess?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I'm right!

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It was 1478. But five years... That's very close.

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They called and said, "We're coming around in five years," so in '78...

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LAUGHTER

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You're right. The Spanish took it upon themselves to have their own inquisition.

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There was a Papal Inquisition, but they wanted their own.

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It was an anti-Semitic piece of legislation.

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They doubted that Jews who had to convert to stay in Spain,

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they doubted that they actually really meant it.

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-It was under these rulers of Spain at that time, Ferdinand and Isabella.

-Wow!

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-Yeah.

-She's a dog.

-LAUGHTER

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She wouldn't mind you saying that. She would take it on the chin. LAUGHTER

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I went to a Museum of Torture in Spain.

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-Did you?

-And I thought -

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I didn't know anything about it - but I imagined

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that the Spanish Inquisition was an awful few years.

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-Yeah. It was.

-But it went on for 350 years.

-You're right.

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-And they had lots and lots of implements of torture that really...

-Oh, it was grotesque.

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I mean, you can't make it up. But the one that really sticks in my mind is the one where

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you would be impaled through your anus on a very large pole

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that would go up your inside,

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-but miss all your vital organs, and then come out at your shoulder.

-Oh, God...

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So it wouldn't kill you and you'd just be there for days.

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Usually, it'd be something public, so you'd be an example.

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Did you know they put hanging people from cages full of spikes

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from a pole at the entrance to towns?

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The Catholic Church, you won't be surprised to know,

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-still has the Inquisition.

-What?!

-It's changed its name. In 1908, it changed to

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the Sacred Congregation of the Holy Office.

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In 1965, the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith,

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and the leader under Pope John Paul II was...

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-Who was in charge of it?

-Ratzinger.

-It was indeed. Our current Pope.

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He was in charge of the Spanish Inquisition, was he?

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-Not the Spanish.

-They're very good at changing their name.

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People talk about the Roman Empire falling. I don't think they fell, they became a church,

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-continued on regardless.

-Basically.

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Now then, given the choice,

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what would be the next best thing to having a Nobel Prize-winner in our audience tonight?

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Dennis Leary had a joke about the Peace Prize.

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He said, "I'd kill for one of those." LAUGHTER

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That's very good. There is a sort of seriocomic version of the Nobel Peace Prize.

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-Oh, it's the Ig Nobel Awards.

-Yes!

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The prize is given to people who usually are genuine scientists

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who have conducted research, some of which is just a little bit weird.

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We have on our left a woman who invented an emergency bra

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that can be torn apart and turned into a gas mask.

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Two gas masks, obviously!

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On the right is the inventor of the Ig Nobel Prize, Marc Abrahams.

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I'm proud to say that in our audience, we have a winner of the Ig Nobel Prize,

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Professor Chris McManus! Are you there? There he is!

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-Whaa-hey!

-APPLAUSE

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-Now...

-APPLAUSE

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Professor McManus, they called you in the Press the "Oddball Professor".

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Perhaps you'd like to tell us the reason you won the Ig Nobel Prize.

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I got the prize in 2002

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-for some work that was done half a lifetime earlier in 1976.

-Yes?

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And the paper was published in the most prestigious of science journals, Nature,

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and it was called "Scrotal Asymmetry In Man and In Ancient Sculpture".

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-LAUGHTER

-So, your work was looking at how male testicles were asymmetrical?

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-Precisely.

-I've got an issue. Maybe you could help

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because you're an expert.

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Perhaps I should examine you afterwards. It's probably easier.

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I think I can explain. One of mine is bigger than the other two.

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Very good. You are actually speaking with purpose, aren't you?

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-A higher percentage of men have one ball lower than the other. Tell us which that is.

-That's right.

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Most people have the right one is higher and the left one is lower.

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-Right.

-And that's the normal way round.

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-Wait a minute.

-Which is fine. Yeah, hang on... Oh, whoa...

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-LAUGHTER

-For the joker...!

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I've got two on the left.

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-There's nothing on the right at all!

-Right! But...

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the surprising thing is, that in Ancient and indeed Renaissance sculpture,

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-you found...

-If you look at Michelangelo's David or any of these great sculptures,

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the right one is higher and the left one is lower AND it's bigger.

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-Yes.

-Which makes sense, if you think about it.

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LAUGHTER

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Why does that makes sense?

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-You'd expect the heavier one to go lower.

-Yes, right. Oh, I see.

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-But it's against...

-The trouble is, it ain't that way.

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-When you get home later, you'll find that...

-Oh, no need, man!

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..the higher one is also the bigger one.

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So the Greeks got it wrong. That was where it got interesting.

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That's odd, because they had bodies. Is it because they used mirrors and their own equipment,

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and got it the wrong way round, or was there some other reason?

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Their real problem is that they had a theory,

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-and there's nothing more dangerous than a theory that's wrong.

-Yes.

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They didn't know what the testicles were for. It seems strange, but they hadn't quite worked it out.

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JIMMY: Mine are purely decorative. LAUGHTER

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-What was the Greek theory?

-Aristotle had this charming theory

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that little boys have tiny testicles and very high voices.

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But as you get bigger and you go into puberty, the testicles get bigger,

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-they pull down and they tension the body and the voice gets deeper.

-Oh!

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So they thought they were weights to tension the male body.

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LAUGHTER JIMMY: And is that not the case?

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Which is why Barry White never did a marathon.

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So for that, you won the Ig Nobel Prize and is that something you are proud of?

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It's something I can't deny. Put it that way.

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-Um...

-It doesn't go to stupid people but goes to genuine scientists.

-Yes.

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At the end of the Nobel Prizes, Marc Abrahams always sends his consolations

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to those who haven't won it and particularly to those who have.

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-I also believe you are expected to make an acceptance speech.

-I did.

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It's a tradition of the speech to be interrupted by a young girl

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who shouts, "Please stop it, I'm bored!" Is that correct?

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Yes. Marc has the problem that the Oscars and all the other award ceremonies have

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that everybody talks too long and thanks everybody.

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He came up with this device called Little Miss Sweetie Poo - who's a charming eight-year-old girl.

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After 60 seconds she walks across stage and says, "Please stop, I'm bored.

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-"Please stop, I'm bored. Please stop, I'm bored."

-A brilliant idea.

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You had your own daughters do that job I believe.

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At the show in London... I have identical twin daughters so we had both of them doing

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-"Please stop, I'm bored." "Please stop, I'm bored."

-Is not one of them slightly bigger than the other?

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LAUGHTER

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Maybe a little shorter?

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-Touche.

-Oh, that's brilliant.

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Well, Professor McManus, thank you very much indeed.

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Congratulations.

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-That is quite interesting.

-That is quite interesting, isn't it?

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Anyway, the next best thing to winning a Nobel Prize is winning an Ig Nobel Prize.

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First they make you laugh and then they make you think.

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Here's a tricky decision. Which is more mammaly? A mouse or a hippopotamus?

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-More mammaly?

-More mammaly?

-Right.

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So is this which one has got breasts?

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No.

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Cos a mammal is...

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It's about the way we decide. Indecision is our theme today.

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If you give people tests about categories,

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and you show them certain kinds of items that fit a category. Say you're doing the fruit category

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and you show them an apple and a pear, they think they're both fruit.

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But show them a fig and a raisin and they'll take a bit longer.

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Show them a pumpkin and an olive and they'll take a lot longer. Ooh, are they fruits or are they...?

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-The same with mammals.

-Yeah.

-People instantly say that a mouse is a mammal.

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A hippotamus? Oh, it's wet and slimy... Oh, of course it's a mammal. It just takes a bit longer.

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I think if I was to stage an all-mouse production of West Side Story...

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STEPHEN CHUCKLES

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HUMS THEME

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LAUGHTER

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The way this is set up there, it does sort of look like the hippo is sneaking up on the mouse.

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It does, doesn't it?

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Could we Photoshop a Rizla in that mouse?

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LAUGHTER

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Shall I be really nerdy and say that really you shouldn't say Rizla? Do you know what you should day?

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HIGH-PITCHED: What should you say, Stephen?

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Well, it's French and riz is the French for rice...

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-Yeah.

-..and the company that makes it is Lacroix.

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And you may notice when you see a Rizla packet that sometimes you might have torn the top part off...

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-Why, Stephen?

-..for some reason. For some reason might need

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-a spare piece of cardboard...

-Yeah, just to jot...

-Yeah, exactly.

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Just to jot down something. An email address. Exactly. But you'll notice

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it says "Riz la" - Rizla, we think - and then there's a big cross.

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And the company's Lacroix which is "the cross".

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It's "rice the cross". It's rice paper made by "the cross" -

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Lacroix. Lacroix is the name of the company.

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Stephen, when I get to Glastonbury I'm going to be talking about that for nine hours.

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LAUGHTER

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-See, it's not there. Right.

-Look! Look!

-The cross. The cross.

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No, where the cross WAS.

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I tore that bit off.

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I'd love a fajita.

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LAUGHTER

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Anyway I can see I'm boring you.

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-Um, here I am...

-Not until we get an eight-year-old girl

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running in front of you telling you who you are.

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I want the twins!

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One way to tell if something's a mammal is the check whether it has nipples

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which reminds me of a piece of I for Irishness.

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What do you call an Irishman with no nipples?

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-Um, that's Richard Harris of course.

-In A Man Called Horse. A great movie, isn't it?

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-I've seen worse.

-It seemed extreme at first but now there's guys in Camden Town that have that done.

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Yes, it's true.

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-That'd be an Edinburgh show now, wouldn't it? Part of the festival.

-Done things ten times worse

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-than that for writing MacArthur Park.

-Oh, yes - the cake left out in the rain.

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The cake in the rain. Who cares?

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If my nan left a cake out in the rain it would've absorbed all the rain - she made a very dry cake.

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LAUGHTER

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He didn't actually write, to be fair to Richard Harris - it was written by Jimmy Webb - but he did sing it.

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I think he is guilty of that. This isn't about Richard Harris, this is about Irishmen with no nipples.

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It seems bizarre but there is a real historical point of interest here.

0:17:480:17:53

-What could an Irishman never be if he had no nipples?

-Symmetric.

0:17:530:17:56

We came back to...

0:17:560:17:58

What?! Symmetric?!

0:17:580:18:00

Going back in the past in Ireland, it's a very peculiar thing

0:18:010:18:05

but part of your way of showing loyalty to your sovereign - if you were an Irish subject

0:18:050:18:10

in the ancient days of the Irish kings -

0:18:100:18:12

was you had to suck their nipples.

0:18:120:18:14

-RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER

-Right.

0:18:140:18:16

So... And you may say, "OK, but what kind of person doesn't have nipples?"

0:18:160:18:19

There would be fights, contests and people would apply, as it were, to be King of Ireland.

0:18:190:18:25

And if they were found not suitable, they would have their nipples cut off,

0:18:250:18:29

-which meant they could never be King of Ireland.

-Sorry? They did it like Britain's Got Talent?!

0:18:290:18:34

-Yes.

-This is how Britain's Got Talent should tweak it so that it's the same.

0:18:340:18:39

It would be quite something.

0:18:390:18:42

But there is Old Croghan Man, one of the peat bog discoveries

0:18:420:18:45

He was so well preserved that when he was discovered, it wasn't archaeologists, or museums,

0:18:450:18:50

or anthropologists they contacted - it was the police.

0:18:500:18:52

It was between 300-odd to 100-odd BC that this person had died...

0:18:520:18:58

-The chances of...

-He was so well preserved...

0:18:580:19:01

-You would describe it as a cold case.

-You would.

-No chance of getting a conviction.

0:19:010:19:06

People said, "Oh, my god! Here's this recently killed body." He was found with nipples cut off.

0:19:060:19:12

He appears to have been someone who was deprived ritually of his attribute of kingship

0:19:120:19:17

-before being killed. So there you are.

-Wow.

-That seems to be the case.

0:19:170:19:21

There are extra points if you can tell me the national colour of Ireland.

0:19:210:19:25

-Well this feels like a trap!

-It does indeed!

0:19:250:19:28

-That's the flag but that's not necessarily an indication of what the national colour is.

-Blue.

0:19:280:19:33

-Blue is the right answer!

-Yes!

-Get in!

0:19:330:19:36

Very good!

0:19:360:19:37

-Well done, yes.

-APPLAUSE

0:19:370:19:40

The fact is it's changed now that everybody thinks it's green.

0:19:400:19:43

And everyone paints themselves green in Chicago and New York

0:19:430:19:47

for Saint Patrick's Day. But Saint Patrick's colour was blue - Saint Patrick's blue.

0:19:470:19:53

The coat of arms of Ireland is a shield of a harp against a ground of Saint Patrick's blue.

0:19:530:19:59

And the Irish Guards are distinct because of the blue in their bearskins.

0:19:590:20:03

So blue was always the colour of Ireland until really in 1798,

0:20:030:20:09

when they had one of their many rebellions.

0:20:090:20:11

And then green became a symbol of Irish nationalism and sort of took over from blue.

0:20:110:20:17

Sucking a king's nipples was a gesture of submission in ancient Ireland.

0:20:170:20:20

If you lost yours you couldn't be king.

0:20:200:20:22

You've got a big decision coming up in 40 minutes, imagine, OK?

0:20:220:20:26

What's the best thing you can do now to ensure that you make the right choice?

0:20:260:20:31

-Just make the decision now.

-STEPHEN CHUCKLES

0:20:310:20:34

No, it's coming up. You may not know what it is, like Dwight here.

0:20:340:20:38

Get into a rage. You make the right choices when angry.

0:20:380:20:41

Very well remembered from a previous edition. One of them is anger.

0:20:410:20:46

Apparently you make better decisions when you're angry. I'm giving you a clue.

0:20:460:20:50

-You're giving me a clue?

-Have some water.

-Yes.

0:20:500:20:53

Lots and lots of water.

0:20:530:20:54

-Drink lots of water...

-So that in 40 minutes...

0:20:540:20:57

You'll be in the loo and you won't have to make the decision.

0:20:570:21:01

Bizarrely, no.

0:21:010:21:03

You'd be popping to go to the loo and that's when we make our best decisions.

0:21:030:21:07

-When we need a wee?

-Shut up!

-Yes.

-Shut up!

0:21:070:21:11

It's true, girlfriend!

0:21:110:21:13

APPLAUSE Shut up!

0:21:130:21:16

Absolutely.

0:21:160:21:18

The last decision I made when busting for a piss, was to pull over and have a piss at the side of a road.

0:21:180:21:23

Not that that's the best decision I ever made but it happened.

0:21:230:21:27

If you're given a SERIOUS decision to make, it seems...that, for some reason,

0:21:270:21:32

-it somehow allows you to make clearer decisions.

-Do you know why I think it is?

0:21:320:21:36

I think that's probably right.

0:21:360:21:39

It's conscious versus unconscious mind. Your unconscious mind is the smart bit

0:21:390:21:42

-and the answers bubble up. You know when you're trying to remember something?

-Absolutely.

0:21:420:21:47

To not concentrate on that thing, to distract yourself and sometimes it bubbles up organically.

0:21:470:21:52

-Exactly.

-When you focus on it,

0:21:520:21:54

when you need a pee, that's all you can think about - needing a pee. Suddenly...

0:21:540:21:58

-Or the opposite - a crossword clue pops into your head.

-I'm going to try and nail the General Ignorance.

0:21:580:22:03

I think I'm definitely going to do Celebrity Mastermind now.

0:22:030:22:06

-You should!

-Just 20 bottles of Evian before I go on.

0:22:060:22:11

HE BARKS WORDS

0:22:140:22:17

"Red! Orange! Hitler!

0:22:170:22:20

"I've got to go, John!"

0:22:200:22:21

"Red, orange, Hitler"? I'm trying to think what that would be...

0:22:210:22:25

What is your specialist subject?!

0:22:260:22:28

Painting.

0:22:280:22:30

JIMMY: Love it!

0:22:300:22:32

Fair enough. Good one. According to the father of history who was Herodotus, the Greek historian...

0:22:320:22:37

Surely there hadn't been much history?

0:22:370:22:40

-He wrote...

-Back then, it was... I mean, when he's talking about,

0:22:410:22:45

it's, "You know, two weeks ago..."

0:22:450:22:47

Has he got his hair woven into his beard?

0:22:480:22:50

It does... It does look all one-piece, doesn't it?

0:22:500:22:53

-A bit of hairdressing.

-That's the... But he wrote of the Persians,

0:22:530:22:58

"When they wanted to make a decision, they made a decision drunk

0:22:580:23:01

"and then reviewed it when sober. And if they both tallied,

0:23:010:23:05

"they thought it was right. Or, they made a decision when sober

0:23:050:23:08

"and then reviewed it when drunk." But he said also, as if shocked,

0:23:080:23:13

"To vomit or obey natural calls, in the presence of another,

0:23:130:23:17

"is forbidden among them."

0:23:170:23:18

It's like, "Gosh, Persians are really weird,

0:23:180:23:22

they don't pee and poo in front of each other. It says more about Greeks, which Herodotus was.

0:23:220:23:25

But he was surprised by that. Don't you think it's odd?

0:23:250:23:28

Does he mean that they go behind a tree, whereas the Greeks would go in front of the tree?

0:23:280:23:33

-In front of each other.

-The Romans used to all sit around chatting, didn't they?

-Yes.

0:23:330:23:38

I've seen the toilets in Pompeii. They just used to sit there - "All right?" - next to each other.

0:23:380:23:43

And why not? Well, all kinds of reasons, actually.

0:23:430:23:46

We stare straight ahead. Straight ahead at the wall.

0:23:460:23:48

Whereas, me, I'd go in with a ghetto blaster, so people can't hear the noises. Honestly.

0:23:480:23:53

That reminds me of one story about Marilyn Monroe.

0:23:530:23:56

When she was engaged to Arthur Miller, the playwright, she was very nervous about meeting

0:23:560:24:01

his parents, who were Jewish intellectuals, and they went to their small house in New York.

0:24:010:24:06

"Come in, meet Mum and Dad." And they were having a dinner and, at one point, she wanted to get up

0:24:060:24:11

and use the loo, and she realised that it was above the dining room.

0:24:110:24:14

To disguise the sound of herself peeing, she turned the taps on

0:24:140:24:19

and then had a pee and then flushed the loo and turned the taps off.

0:24:190:24:22

And the next day, Arthur Miller called up his father and said,

0:24:220:24:26

"So what did you think of Marilyn?" His father said, "Nice girl - pisses like a horse."

0:24:260:24:30

LAUGHTER

0:24:300:24:31

It's perfectly fantastic!

0:24:310:24:33

"Wow! What?!"

0:24:350:24:37

Now, what big decision did the driver of the number 78 London bus

0:24:400:24:44

have to make in December 1952?

0:24:440:24:47

-"Turn right."

-Ooh, yes, Jimmy?

0:24:470:24:49

-The Coronation is all I know about '52.

-Ah, yes.

0:24:490:24:52

-The Queen didn't get the bus, did she?

-No, she didn't!

0:24:520:24:55

You might, if you were bus users, know where the 78 goes.

0:24:550:24:58

-It's...

-It doesn't go my way.

0:24:580:25:00

-Tower Bridge.

-Sorry? Where?

-Tower Bridge.

-It does!

0:25:000:25:03

-He had to jump the bridge.

-Brilliant!

0:25:030:25:05

He had to jump the bridge!

0:25:050:25:08

-APPLAUSE

-Whoa!

0:25:080:25:12

He was approaching it and there was some mistake with the warning sign.

0:25:130:25:17

As he was getting on... Do you know these?

0:25:170:25:19

They're called bascules, for the French for a seesaw.

0:25:190:25:22

And as he was approaching the first one, he was already on it when he saw they were rising.

0:25:220:25:27

He took a split-second decision and accelerated.

0:25:270:25:30

The second one was lower down

0:25:300:25:32

and, three foot in the air, whatever it was, he landed on the second one.

0:25:320:25:36

No-one was injured. And he won, for his bravery, £10.

0:25:360:25:39

LAUGHTER

0:25:390:25:41

And Employee of the Month.

0:25:410:25:43

-I'm sure Employee of the Month.

-Maybe Driver of the Week.

0:25:430:25:46

It was very brave. Very brave fellow.

0:25:460:25:48

-You'll want to know his name.

-Bob Knievel.

0:25:480:25:51

It was a good bus driver's name, Albert Gunton.

0:25:510:25:55

-Berty Gunton.

-Of course it was.

0:25:550:25:57

He should be proud. If his family are watching, I hope you're still proud of him.

0:25:570:26:01

What is that thing about split-second decisions?

0:26:010:26:04

-I don't know. He just made the right one.

-He must've needed a wee.

0:26:040:26:08

Making a split decision and coming close to something and...

0:26:100:26:12

It's weird when that happens. There are two odds.

0:26:120:26:15

One is, there may be something small you've seen that you can't remember.

0:26:150:26:19

The other is, you wouldn't be able to tell the story if you'd got it wrong.

0:26:190:26:24

-Everybody is alive, by definition -

-So, all the anecdotes about

0:26:240:26:27

"I made a split-second decision and it went very badly", they're not here?

0:26:270:26:31

-They're not there to be told! There is that side of it!

-Yes...

0:26:310:26:34

-Anyway...

-Like the conductor who fell out the back!

-Exactly!

0:26:340:26:39

LAUGHTER

0:26:390:26:42

-The one thing we can say -

-As he falls into the Thames,

0:26:460:26:49

"Gunton...!"

0:26:490:26:52

One thing we can say with confidence, Boris,

0:26:520:26:55

is that that wouldn't have happened with a bendy bus.

0:26:550:26:59

The brilliant thing with the bendy bus,

0:26:590:27:01

it would go between the two things, and the bridge could play the accordion!

0:27:010:27:05

That's true! It never occurred to me!

0:27:050:27:10

If one or other of these identical twins committed a burglary

0:27:100:27:15

and you had eye-witness reports, DNA and fingerprints,

0:27:150:27:18

how could you get a conviction?

0:27:180:27:20

-"Turn left."

-Waterboarding.

0:27:200:27:23

-I may have to refine that.

-"Turn right."

0:27:260:27:28

It's even simpler. It's twins. It's the evil one.

0:27:280:27:32

It's, a, we have to be legal, so waterboarding is out.

0:27:340:27:37

-But they are identical - monozygotic twins - in other words, their DNA is...

-What have we got?

0:27:370:27:42

-We've got DNA.

-Fingerprints. Eye-witness reports.

0:27:420:27:44

-Are fingerprints the same in..?

-No, that's the point. Fingerprints are very, very, very simliar

0:27:440:27:50

and you have to be a heck of an expert to be able to detect the difference,

0:27:500:27:53

-but in a court, you can demonstrate the difference.

-Is this real or did you forget to tape CSI?

0:27:530:27:59

It's a real question. There have been, indeed very recently, here's a case, just January 2009.

0:27:590:28:05

6.8m-worth of jewellery was stolen from the Kaufhaus des Westens,

0:28:050:28:10

one of the great department stores of the world, one of my favourites, in Berlin.

0:28:100:28:15

-And they stole...

-As it was German, nobody cared.

0:28:150:28:19

Well, 6.8m-worth, a lot of insurance.

0:28:190:28:21

A pair of twins named Abbas and Hassam Omurat were amongst the three suspects

0:28:210:28:26

and walked free, despite their being DNA evidence of their presence at the scene. Or one presence.

0:28:260:28:31

"From the evidence we have, we can deduce that at least one of the brothers took part

0:28:310:28:35

"in the crime, but it has not been possible to determine which one."

0:28:350:28:38

You can't imprison both, just because one of them did it. That's the point.

0:28:380:28:42

-What happens with conjoined twins?

-That has happened, as well. In the case of the original Siamise twins,

0:28:420:28:48

one of them was rather a drunkard and commited an offence,

0:28:480:28:52

but couldn't go to prison because it would mean imprisoning the other, so they got away scot-free.

0:28:520:28:56

Now, identity parades. Fascinating things.

0:28:560:29:00

As you know, you are a suspect and the police are supposed to get people who look vaguely like you,

0:29:000:29:05

wear the same clothes, and an eyewitness says "number three" or whatever.

0:29:050:29:09

-Nowadays, they use something called VIPER.

-Viper?

0:29:090:29:13

Video Identification Parade Electronic Recording.

0:29:130:29:16

Because as recently as 1997, South Yorkshire Police had a suspect

0:29:160:29:20

who was six foot three, 16 stone and black.

0:29:200:29:23

They couldn't find anyone of that description,

0:29:230:29:26

so they got a make-up artist to black-up a group of white men,

0:29:260:29:29

-but not including their hands.

-GROANING

0:29:290:29:32

Unsurprisingly, the eyewitness chose the genuinely black person.

0:29:320:29:36

These days, they have all kinds of ID parades,

0:29:360:29:38

but the old type is not regarded as reliable.

0:29:380:29:43

There are reasons for that, and we might be able to demonstrate what those reasons are.

0:29:430:29:48

Earlier in the show, you may remember a rascal ran across the set

0:29:480:29:52

and stole some money from my hand.

0:29:520:29:55

-You all saw it happen.

-You apprehended him!

-Can you pick the culprit from this line-up?

0:29:550:30:00

We've apprehended him and we've got some others

0:30:000:30:02

to see if you can find out who it is.

0:30:020:30:05

Here they are. One, two, three and four.

0:30:050:30:08

Was it number one, stealing our money?

0:30:080:30:11

Was it number two, stealing our hearts? Or is that just me? Er...

0:30:110:30:14

-Was it number three...

-LAUGHTER

0:30:140:30:16

Was it number three, stealing himself for a spanking?

0:30:160:30:20

Or was it number four, stealing a format idea from Never Mind The Buzzcocks?

0:30:200:30:24

LAUGHTER

0:30:240:30:27

Steady!

0:30:360:30:38

Very good control from our ID parade.

0:30:390:30:41

So I'll ask each one of you to give me a number.

0:30:410:30:45

You all saw the moment, or at least very briefly, which is how crimes are committed.

0:30:450:30:50

-Phill, one, two, three or four?

-Er...

0:30:500:30:54

This isn't fair. Phill's had much more experience in this game. He's built a career on this game.

0:30:540:30:59

He knows which one is in The Kooks.

0:30:590:31:01

I think...

0:31:010:31:03

If you could just stick a bass player in there for me!

0:31:030:31:07

-It was fleeting, wasn't it?

-It was.

-Two.

0:31:070:31:10

-Number two.

-I'm going one.

-Two and one.

0:31:100:31:13

-Two.

-Two?

-It's number one.

-Number one. We're split between two and one.

0:31:130:31:18

Those in the audience who think it's one, raise your hand.

0:31:180:31:21

That's quite a fair number.

0:31:220:31:24

-Who thinks it's number two?

-You probably had a better view.

-That's quite a lot.

0:31:240:31:28

Number three?

0:31:280:31:29

A few of you. And number four? Again, a few of you.

0:31:290:31:34

-Would the real thief please step forward?

-Wait a minute!

0:31:340:31:37

There you are! Number two. Well done.

0:31:370:31:39

Well done. Very good. Very good, indeed.

0:31:390:31:43

Thank you all for our line-up, including the three innocents.

0:31:430:31:48

APPLAUSE

0:31:480:31:51

-Can I just...?

-Yeah?

0:31:510:31:54

I got that wrong. I said number one and it was actually number two, but when I saw number one,

0:31:540:32:00

I instantly thought, "That guy has done something very, very bad."

0:32:000:32:04

I think, in a couple of months' time, the news will land

0:32:040:32:07

that he's done a terrible thing and I'll be proven tight.

0:32:070:32:10

That, unfortunately, is, kind of, the way people go. "Ooh, I don't like his face".

0:32:100:32:15

I have to say, I am impressed by the audience, because, as you probably all know,

0:32:150:32:18

we've all heard of tests in which this kind of thing happens if you're doing forensics

0:32:180:32:23

-or criminology this happens in lectures and so on.

-I was sitting in a cafe

0:32:230:32:27

and I saw some kids stealing a scooter with some bolt-cutters

0:32:270:32:30

and they sped off with it and a few minutes later the police arrived and I went over the road

0:32:300:32:35

and I said, "I saw the kids who did this."

0:32:350:32:37

And the copper said, "What colour was the scooter, sir?"

0:32:370:32:41

I said, "It was gold, metallic gold."

0:32:410:32:43

-And the owner was there and he went, "It was silver."

-So suddenly you weren't very trusted?

0:32:430:32:48

No, and about ten minutes later, the kids came past

0:32:480:32:51

and I followed them round the corner onto Highbury Fields - keeping my distance -

0:32:510:32:56

and then phoned the police station, "It's here. I've followed them. They're walking along."

0:32:560:33:02

-No-one came.

-That's because you were doing a silly voice.

0:33:020:33:05

LAUGHTER

0:33:050:33:08

Do it in your own voice next time.

0:33:080:33:10

It isn't entirely useless having an ID parade.

0:33:120:33:15

-You did very well.

-I got it right!

-You got it right.

0:33:150:33:18

-You know how I got it right?

-How?

-I wet my pants.

0:33:180:33:22

-That's it! Exactly!

-LAUGHTER

0:33:220:33:26

You're learning! All right.

0:33:280:33:32

It is more difficult than we think, or realise, to pick a suspect from a parade,

0:33:320:33:36

although half our panel did very well.

0:33:360:33:38

And now to the moment when I'm afraid you have no choice at all. Fingers on buzzers, please.

0:33:380:33:43

Remember, we haven't had our "nobody knows" question.

0:33:430:33:46

Who was the first person to go round the world in 80 days?

0:33:460:33:50

"Turn right." Michael Palin.

0:33:500:33:53

KLAXON WAILS

0:33:530:33:55

-Really?

-Yes!

0:33:550:33:57

I meant a real person. I'm not counting fictional.

0:33:590:34:03

-In fiction, of course...

-Phileas Fogg.

-Yes.

-A blue whale.

0:34:030:34:06

The "first person" was very much in the question.

0:34:060:34:09

But it's interesting I said "person". It was a woman.

0:34:090:34:13

Amy Johnson? WOMAN SHOUTS FROM AUDIENCE

0:34:130:34:15

Shout that again, in the audience.

0:34:150:34:17

-Nellie Bly!

-Well done, audience member!

0:34:170:34:20

-Nellie Bly is the right answer!

-Nellie Bly?

-Yes.

0:34:200:34:24

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

0:34:240:34:28

Very impressed indeed.

0:34:280:34:30

Nellie Bly is someone we all should've heard of.

0:34:300:34:33

She was possibly the world's first investigative journalist.

0:34:330:34:37

She was a remarkably bold, brave and adventurous woman.

0:34:370:34:40

She worked for The World, which was Joseph Pulitzer's newspaper.

0:34:400:34:44

In 1890, after the astonishing success of Jules Verne's Around The World In Eighty Days,

0:34:440:34:49

Joseph Pulitzer decided that he would try and get someone genuinely to go round the world in 80 days.

0:34:490:34:54

He awarded the role to one of his journalists and Nellie Bly said,

0:34:540:34:58

"If you don't give me the task, I will go to another newspaper."

0:34:580:35:04

And so valued was she, he said, "You've got the job."

0:35:040:35:07

And she did it in 72 days, which is pretty damned impressive.

0:35:070:35:11

In those days, before aeroplanes, obviously,

0:35:110:35:14

getting from one place, all the way round the globe, to another

0:35:140:35:17

in that amount of time was a heck of an achievement.

0:35:170:35:20

-It took a long time to get from Scotland to London in those days.

-Quite!

0:35:200:35:24

Can you remember in the book the forms of travel Phileas Fogg used?

0:35:240:35:27

-There were some trains, weren't there?

-Trains.

-Hot air balloons.

0:35:270:35:31

-Not hot air balloons!

-There's a balloon on the screen!

-Because of the film.

0:35:310:35:35

In the Michael Todd film with David Niven,

0:35:350:35:38

one always thinks of the balloon, but he doesn't use a balloon.

0:35:380:35:41

Anyway, she did it in 72 days, six hours and 11 minutes from New York to New York.

0:35:410:35:47

She should be remembered for campaigns against bad landlords,

0:35:470:35:50

injustice, injustice to women in prisons

0:35:500:35:53

and, most amazingly, she managed to smuggle herself into an insane asylum

0:35:530:35:56

and wrote an extraordinary report about the unbelievable cruelty dealt to the mentally ill.

0:35:560:36:01

It sounds like she managed to talk her way out of an insane asylum...

0:36:010:36:07

-Good point!

-..with a story about being an investigative journalist. That is genius.

0:36:070:36:11

In both cases, impressive.

0:36:110:36:13

How can you tell which of these chicks is male and which is female?

0:36:130:36:18

This must be... This must be...

0:36:180:36:21

-I'm afraid not!

-KLAXON WAILS

0:36:210:36:24

No.

0:36:240:36:26

Had you said that in the 1920s, the answer would've been "nobody knows".

0:36:260:36:30

But in 1929, the Japanese astonished the world

0:36:300:36:33

by revealing that they'd found a way to sex chicks.

0:36:330:36:37

In other words, to determine their gender.

0:36:370:36:39

It sounds... It sounds so wrong, doesn't it?

0:36:390:36:43

-"I know how to sex a chick!"

-JIMMY: I can do that!

0:36:430:36:46

It seems impossible with the naked eye to do it

0:36:460:36:49

because you have to wait till they're six weeks old.

0:36:490:36:52

And in the egg-laying industry, that's a heck of a waste,

0:36:520:36:55

because the male chicks are of no use whatsoever to them.

0:36:550:36:59

Gassed on the first day. Enjoy your eggs!

0:36:590:37:02

That's why... Good point!

0:37:020:37:04

In 1927, at the World Poultry Congress in Ottawa,

0:37:040:37:07

-this was announced...

-The what?!

-The World Poultry Congress.

0:37:070:37:11

That's a lot of chickens.

0:37:110:37:12

"Will the representative of Albania make himself known?"

0:37:120:37:15

"Albanian chicken!" CLUCKING

0:37:150:37:18

It's one of the biggest businesses in the world.

0:37:180:37:21

The most popular bird we eat, then we eat their eggs.

0:37:210:37:24

And so there are World Poultry Congresses!

0:37:240:37:26

We've all done corporate gigs. I imagine I did 20 minutes at the end.

0:37:260:37:31

I once did Phillips Small Appliances. Sounds mad.

0:37:310:37:35

-That poor boy!

-It was a long time...

-LAUGHTER

0:37:350:37:39

-It was a long time ago...

-Leave his appliances alone!

0:37:390:37:42

-It was a long time ago...

-Which is why I won't have him in the house any more!

0:37:420:37:47

-How do you sex a chicken?

-It's very complex, that's the point.

0:37:470:37:51

And it's highly... No, we do know. It's highly paid.

0:37:510:37:55

The discovery lowered the price of eggs worldwide overnight.

0:37:550:38:00

That's how important it was.

0:38:000:38:02

The Zen-Nippon Chick Sexing School was founded.

0:38:020:38:05

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

0:38:050:38:07

I know you're laughing, but it's true! It's true!

0:38:070:38:12

You're looking at a graduate.

0:38:120:38:15

And they taught their sexers in such a rigorous way

0:38:150:38:18

that only five to ten percent of applicants received accreditation.

0:38:180:38:22

When you passed, you were paid huge sums of money.

0:38:220:38:25

-You are chick master!

-Yes. Hundreds of dollars a day. It was a really big business.

0:38:250:38:30

-It still is!

-"Boy..." "How do you know?" "I know."

0:38:300:38:34

-"You don't know. You pay."

-LAUGHTER

0:38:340:38:38

The best in the business can sex around 1,200 chicks an hour

0:38:380:38:42

and there are some talented ones who can have one in each hand...

0:38:420:38:46

"Boy, boy, girl, girl, boy, boy, boy, girl,

0:38:460:38:48

"girl, girl, boy, boy. Boy, girl, boy, girl. Boyyyy."

0:38:480:38:54

-The point is...

-LAUGHTER

0:38:540:38:57

The point is, you go like that, and pop them in bins. Girl bin, boy bin.

0:38:570:39:02

And you can do 1,200.

0:39:020:39:04

-Is it to do with the weight?

-No. They do a slight squeeze...

0:39:040:39:08

-"A girl!"

-You won't like this.

0:39:080:39:11

-They do a slight squeeze...

-And if they go, "Oww!" it's a girl.

0:39:110:39:16

And if they go...

0:39:160:39:17

-That's naughty!

-If they go, "Steady on, mate..."

-It's a boy!

0:39:170:39:22

They have a cloaca tract, which is their reproductive and excretory tract,

0:39:220:39:27

and there is a slight difference in the ridges and bumps, the innies and outies.

0:39:270:39:31

So you do a slight squeeze. If it's too big, you throttle them, or the outie becomes an innie.

0:39:310:39:36

It's a real skill. It's something I vaguely knew about growing up in Norfolk,

0:39:360:39:40

because in Norfolk there is a community of Vietnamese turkey sexers, who live...

0:39:400:39:46

I know it sounds mad!

0:39:460:39:48

I can never watch Platoon again!

0:39:480:39:50

You've ruined Apocalypse Now for me.

0:39:500:39:53

-I'm sorry about that.

-"What sex is chicken?!

0:39:530:39:56

-"You tell me now!"

-This is...

0:39:560:39:59

-JIMMY LAUGHS

-I know it sounds bonkers.

0:39:590:40:03

They live in tunnels under the fence!

0:40:030:40:07

-Not in the fence, it's in Norfolk, he said defensively.

-I beg your pardon.

0:40:070:40:13

-Tell me they work for Bernard, please!

-Of course!

0:40:130:40:15

Bernard Matthews is the largest employer.

0:40:150:40:18

"Mr Matthew, this one bootiful!" LAUGHTER

0:40:180:40:22

APPLAUSE

0:40:220:40:25

All right. Chicken sexing is a fine art these days.

0:40:270:40:30

The sun rises roughly in the east, as we know, and sets in the west. But what does the moon do?

0:40:300:40:36

-What direction does the moon...

-Which moon are we talking about?

0:40:360:40:40

KLAXON WAILS

0:40:400:40:42

-This show is getting tough.

-Whoa!

0:40:430:40:46

Wow!

0:40:460:40:48

-It goes the other way.

-The opposite direction?

-Yes.

0:40:480:40:51

-Actually... That isn't true, either.

-KLAXON WAILS

0:40:510:40:56

-No, it's the same.

-It's the same.

0:40:560:40:59

-"Are you sure?"

-The same.

-Correct! Well done!

0:40:590:41:04

The moon rises in the east and sets in the west.

0:41:040:41:07

Lastly, how many different species of mussel can you see here?

0:41:070:41:12

-Is this it?

-Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh! There you go.

0:41:120:41:16

-"Nobody knows."

-Jimmy got there first!

0:41:160:41:19

-I just found it quicker than Phill.

-It had to be!

0:41:190:41:23

-Well done.

-It's the last one.

0:41:230:41:25

-It's almost impossible to identify...

-Even themselves.

-Yes.

0:41:250:41:29

-Impossible to do or impossible to care?

-Well...!

0:41:290:41:32

Do you think they just go, "Shall we just boil these and eat them? Time's a-wasting."

0:41:320:41:38

We used to think, by size and appearance, you could tell.

0:41:380:41:41

We now find the genome tells us. Species we thought were different we've discovered are the same.

0:41:410:41:46

And conversely, species we thought were the same are different.

0:41:460:41:50

So, which nation are secretly training their citizens to be able to tell what species of mussel...

0:41:500:41:57

-Do the Albanians have mussel ninjas?

-It is almost certainly the Albanians, you're right.

0:41:570:42:02

But the time has finally come to act decisively and declare tonight's winner.

0:42:020:42:07

It's very exciting. Yes, indeed.

0:42:070:42:10

Let's... Well, let's start at the top.

0:42:100:42:13

With a fantastic result,

0:42:130:42:16

our winner with a clear plus-10 points is Phill Jupitus!

0:42:160:42:19

APPLAUSE

0:42:190:42:22

I don't know how that happened. I never know how that happens.

0:42:220:42:25

In a rather surprising second place, with four points, it's the audience!

0:42:250:42:30

Congratulations!

0:42:300:42:35

Very impressive!

0:42:350:42:38

That puts Jimmy, who would otherwise have come second,

0:42:380:42:42

-in third place with minus one.

-APPLAUSE

0:42:420:42:46

And in fourth place with minus two, Rich Hall!

0:42:490:42:52

APPLAUSE

0:42:520:42:55

But, erm, it still doesn't stop Alan from coming last, I fear,

0:42:550:42:59

-with minus 14!

-APPLAUSE

0:42:590:43:03

END-OF-SHOW JINGLE

0:43:030:43:06

So, thanks to Rich, Jimmy, Phill and Alan.

0:43:080:43:12

I leave you with this tale of choice in Soviet Russia from comedian Yakov Smirnoff.

0:43:120:43:16

"In Russia, we had only two channels. Channel One was propaganda.

0:43:160:43:21

"Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you,

0:43:210:43:24

"'Turn back at once to Channel One.'"

0:43:240:43:27

-Thank you and goodnight.

-CHEERING

0:43:270:43:31

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:43:320:43:36

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0:43:360:43:41

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