Jungles QI XL


Jungles

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Transcript


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APPLAUSE

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Goooooooood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,

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and to a greater or lesser extent, good evening and welcome to QI,

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where tonight, my companions and I are plunging into the jungle.

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And helping me swing my machete are, the King of the Jungle, Greg Proops.

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APPLAUSE

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The King of the Swingers, Reginald D Hunter.

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APPLAUSE

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A jungle VIP, David O'Doherty.

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APPLAUSE

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And a bit of an animal, Alan Davies.

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APPLAUSE

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Well, before we begin, we ought to hear your beastly buzzers. Reginald goes...

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LION ROARS

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David goes...

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BIRD SCREECHES

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Greg goes...

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ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

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And Alan goes...

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CRICKET CHIRPS

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All creatures in the jungle are of equal value.

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So, first question. Where will the lion sleep tonight?

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Ah, no. Is this going to be a trick where they don't sleep in the night?

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Where they don't sleep in the jungle?

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You're right.

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Man, I am nailing this game!

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Because of course there is a famous song.

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In the jungle the lion sleeps tonight.

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Wimoweh, wimoweh.

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By Tight Fit.

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-Well, by all kinds of people, actually.

-But mainly Tight Fit.

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But what you managed to avoid was falling into the trap

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that lions sleep in the jungle, because where do lions live?

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Office buildings.

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I was going to say Luton. I don't know why.

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Don't they live in like the veldt or something like that?

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The savannah. It's dry, it's certainly not jungle.

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You wouldn't get a lion there.

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And also, quite rightly, one of you said, they don't sleep at night.

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Actually they do sleep a bit at night,

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but most of their waking hours are at night.

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They sleep a hell of a lot, because they're cats.

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And what do cats do?

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Sleep in the jungle, er, forest?

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They do a lot of sleeping.

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That's what I was going to say.

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Yeah. They basically let big animals spend 23 hours a day

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eating grass and then they kill them and eat them all

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and get all that nutrient that lasts them for a week.

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So instead of eating vegetables,

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you eat something that does eat vegetables.

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Exactly right. That's true.

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I feel better about my diet now.

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Yeah, I'm glad about that.

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But the song The Lion Sleeps Tonight was the most popular song

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ever to come out of Africa.

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It was written by a man called Solomon Linda.

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He and the Evening Birds, as the band were called,

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recorded a song called Mbube, which is the Zulu word for lion.

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And they chanted, "Mbube, uyi Mbube" - lion, you're a lion.

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And he was paid the princely sum of £1.

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No more than that. In 1949, Pete Seeger gave it to the Weavers.

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They made a huge hit out of it.

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And then it just carried on being a hit,

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and all kinds of people, like Tight Fit.

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Tight Fit!

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But, more importantly, perhaps...

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It's better than Loose Fit for a band, I suppose.

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Disney, in 1994, incorporated it into...?

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The Lion King.

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Into The Lion King. Now, it's estimated that if Solomon Linda...

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-I'll get points for that.

-Will you?

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-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-For knowing Lion King?

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If Solomon Linda had been paid standard composer royalties,

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he would have earned, just from the Broadway version...

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£2.

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Just from the Broadway version alone... £3.

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5 million.

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-Oh!

-Just in five years. That's just five years of it.

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I've got a question now. The pound that he earned, who paid him that?

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Was it somebody British?

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No, someone South African, I fear.

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So what were them people doing with y'all money?

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It's a good and fair question.

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It's not the first time that musicians, artists, composers

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have been exploited, but it is a pretty extreme example of it.

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So just from the song being used in the Lion King, the musical

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on Broadway, he'd have made 5 million?

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Yes. That shows you how much Elton John makes.

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That's what I was going to say.

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No wonder Tim Rice is always grinning!

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Yeah, exactly. There's a lot of money in musicals.

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It is staggering, isn't it?

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But, fortunately, there was some good that came out it,

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because a South African journalist called Rian Malan

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brought the case to international notice

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and Solomon Linda's family sued and came to a settlement.

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So the heirs of Solomon Linda have at least benefited from it.

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Which is a good story.

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That's good, that's good.

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Isn't it?

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Nice to see that, you know, natives weren't exploited again, you know.

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That's a good story there, if I was, yeah, I would tell that story to...

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And yet we opened by saying

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that the whole thing was predicated on a black lie.

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-In the jungle, the mighty jungle.

-Lions do not sleep in the jungle.

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The Lion Sleeps Tonight.

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It doesn't sleep at night, doesn't sleep in the jungle.

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He's lucky to get a £1 for it, if you ask me.

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Anyway, so that's it.

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Now, what would be the best way for Tarzan to get around the jungle?

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Well...

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Without a family, I would guess.

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Without being tied down.

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Is that Johnny Weissmuller?

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That's Johnny Weissmuller, who made his name as a...

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-German Olympic swimmer.

-Olympic swimmer, that's right.

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-Is that Maureen O'Sullivan?

-That's Maureen O'Sullivan.

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Was the boy just called Boy?

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Boy, yes.

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Yes, he was, the boy was called Boy and the chimpanzee was called?

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Cheetah.

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Cheetah, yes.

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-He gets around by swimming and swinging on... What does he swing on, Greg?

-Vines.

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SIREN BLARES

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You trapped him!

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Oh, Alan! You wicked, wicked, that was diabolical!

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I feel really good tonight,

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I feel like I've finally nailed this game.

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I didn't know you were going to use your Jedi powers on me, Davies.

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I came in here with every good intention

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and the next thing I know, I'm providing answers to you.

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Tarzan, in the movies, does appear to swing on vines,

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or lianas, as they're called.

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But it's impossible to do so,

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because they grow from roots in the ground.

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So, if you tried to swing, you'd just fall straight down.

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You might get some that are twisted into the branches,

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but no animal or ape conveys themselves by swinging on woods.

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But what about when you see,

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you know, gibbons and whatnot, flinging through the jungle?

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Ah, now that's a very different kind of action, which is brachiation.

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Using their arms to move along.

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And gibbons do that and are excellent at it,

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and as you can see, There you are, yeah. That...

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CRICKETS CHIRP

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Orang-utan.

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Four.

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You're in a competitive mood tonight.

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ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

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I'd like to say that Alan is Tarzan's chimp,

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because "cheaters" never prosper.

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Hey, very good!

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But Edgar Rice Burroughs, who created Tarzan, of course, he said,

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"He leaps through the trees unaided."

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"He could drop 20 feet at a stretch from limb to limb

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"in rapid descent to the ground,

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"or he could gain the utmost pinnacle

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"of the loftiest tropical giant with ease and the swiftness of a squirrel."

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And also, why would it be a vine in the middle of the jungle?

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Because a vine is?

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Grapes grow on vines.

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Exactly.

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But, you know, as in the manner of grapevines,

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now, as legend has it, Tarzan, the reason he used a vine

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was not because of its strength

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or, you know, the fact that it came up out of the ground,

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it was more so because early on,

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when he heard about his girlfriend cheating on him,

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it came, he heard it via one of those vines.

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A lot of people don't know that.

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I would say fewer than a handful really.

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Was it his friend Marvin who told him that, by any chance?

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You know the story too!

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I know the story as well, there you go.

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That's why they let you host the show, you smart!

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And why is, if you've got a vine,

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why is wine based on the Latin for vine, when we have a vine,

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wine and vine, shouldn't they be, why isn't wine called vine?

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When I was taught Latin, we were taught to pronounce the V as a W.

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So it would be "weni, widi, wici,"

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I came, I saw, I conquered, is what Caesar said, or "Caesar" said, yeah.

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Is Kaiser in German from Caesar, then?

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Caesar, yes it is. As is Tsar.

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See, you learn something every day.

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I'm not talking to you any more.

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The more you say vine, the less I'm going to say vine.

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But the Germans say Wein and spell it with a W.

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-Ah.

-So why is it called a Caesar salad, then?

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It was invented by someone called Caesar.

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I've had a bottle of Caesar salad where it's on the label

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and the man who invented it is on the label.

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-Points to Alan Davies.

-Yes.

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-It was, in fact, a cook called Caesar Cardini.

-Yeah.

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Well done, Alan.

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-Well.

-Damn, you're doing well. Yeah.

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APPLAUSE

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Wow, it's interesting that the two people who be on this show

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every week are doing the best. All right, there.

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Yeah, you've got time to catch up, Reginald, don't you worry.

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I just hope for a chance, I want a chance.

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There are questions coming your way that will thrill you.

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-All right, then.

-So, what do you think these monkeys are called?

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They are two different species.

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-Is one a Bonobo?

-No.

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Bonobos look more like chimpanzees.

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-Aren't they the horniest animals on Earth as well?

-Yes.

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Anything you put in front of Bonobo, it will shag.

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LAUGHTER

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Honestly, they are the most sexually, absolutely...

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Even Russell Grant?

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Bonobos really, actually lions too.

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-When lionesses are at it they'll shag up to 50 times a day.

-Really?

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It's a ten second business with the lion, but also the lions

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shag each other. About 8% of all lion sex is gay. So...

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-8% of lion sex is gay?!

-Yeah.

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Yeah, OK.

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Did you get that like, out of a book of lion facts,

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or did you get that from a gay man?

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LAUGHTER

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I know there are a lot of people who would have us believe that only mankind is gay.

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In fact, the latest count, there are about, I believe,

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642 species of animal that exhibit homosexual activity.

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But there's only one species that exhibits homophobia.

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That's mankind.

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So who's natural? Huh?

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I was hoping you were going to elephants then, I really did.

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Come to Mardi Gras, it'll be great.

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How did they come up with the figure 8%? That's a lot of research.

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-It is.

-I saw the Lion King and I didn't see any stuff going on.

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But I did feel the love.

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That night. The circle of life has a whole new meaning.

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It certainly does!

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The red-faced one needed some factor 50 before...

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I can tell you they come from completely different parts of the world.

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What's the most noticeable thing about the one on the left?

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-Its nose!

-Its nose. Its huge nose.

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Can you think of another word for nose, a rather technical word?

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-Olfactory?

-Proboscis monkey?

-Is the right answer.

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That's a proboscis monkey.

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The males have the longest noses, often going below their chin,

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they're so long, and the females find that very attractive.

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There we are. It's an unusual look, I grant you.

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It's a flaccid penis, that's what that is.

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A human could not get its hair like that without a hairbrush or a comb.

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-A lot of product.

-That's remarkable.

-It is very impressive.

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-It's a very 1950s kind of a vibe.

-It is. It's quite rockabilly, isn't it?

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Yeah.

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Well, they're charming animals, and they live mostly in Indonesia

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and South East Asia, but what about the red-faced one?

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-Where might that come from?

-That one's called a cabeza rojo.

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In Spanish, which not a lot of people know here.

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-Why did it have a Spanish name?

-Because it's from South America.

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Is the right answer! But in fact, the first one, the proboscis monkey...

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I'm coming up on a point, Alan.

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The first one is called orang belanda. Now "orang" means "man".

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An orang utan is "man of the jungle".

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But this means, basically,

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the big-nosed one is their word for Dutchmen, who were their colonists,

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and they thought those monkeys looked like their colonial masters.

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And so they called them Dutchmen, basically.

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-And this one is even sadder.

-It's so rude.

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I know. This one is the uakari monkey, which is South American,

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comes from the Peruvian Amazon and is very red-faced and is known by the locals,

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unfortunately, as English monkeys,

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because they look like tourists from England!

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Slightly bald and red-faced.

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If you give them a towel,

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will they fight Germans for space near the pool?

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-Are you people all that hairy when you take your shirts off?

-Oh, definitely.

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It's a sweet, charming, very human face.

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Yeah, but in a perpetual state of embarrassment.

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I thought at first it was its bum,

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and yet it weirdly had a bum that looked a bit like a face.

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Anyway, that's the uakari monkey,

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a rather beautiful creature in its own way.

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Unfortunately, when they get to zoos, they're very lethargic

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and unhappy, but they're very active and sociable in the wild.

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-I get quite lethargic in zoos.

-I know.

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A robin red-breast in a cage puts all heaven in a rage,

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as William Blake said.

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Also, the ice cream is very expensive in zoos, so that's another depressing aspect.

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There's that too.

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Anyway, why don't ginger ants use soap?

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Cos they like to feel it when they get together.

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Well, getting together is what it's all about.

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Ginger ants, also known as fire ants, live in the jungle.

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And in jungles you can get huge downpours that will suddenly cause

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gigantic rivers to appear where none were before.

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And what's to stop the ants drowning?

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What's their strategy to keep themselves afloat?

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Find a bar of soap?

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No, the soap is the bad thing.

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That, they don't want that?

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They don't want the soap. Let's say no to soap.

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No soap. All right, then.

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I assume they'd climb a tree.

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If they could, they would, and we're going to see them climb a tree,

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but first they have to cross the water, if they're suddenly deluged.

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Do they sail on little rafts?

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They make a raft of themselves.

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No!

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They cling together all their little bits, like this,

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and they make a raft like that, even carrying their eggs

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and their precious cargo.

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That's the fish underneath having a nibble at them,

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but they are, and there

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they're getting towards a tree.

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They try and climb that tree,

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because then they'll be safe.

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But it's a really smart strategy.

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There they go, he's got,... the first one's up

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and then all the other ones are following.

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Isn't that amazing?

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-It is amazing.

-And they all survive.

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Even the ones on the bottom?

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Yeah. What happens is that none of the ants become submerged

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because of the plastron layer of air between their bodies and the water,

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and that's from "piastroni", Italian for "breastplate",

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which is rather pleasing.

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A turtle's underbelly is also called the plastron

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and so is a man's stiff, formal shirt-front.

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So you can actually have...

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LAUGHTER

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Yeah, that was a relief, wasn't it?

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You can actually have half a million fire ants connecting together

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in this way and they can assemble themselves in less than 100 seconds.

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And they can float for days, even weeks,

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and migrate immense distances.

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Isn't that interesting?

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That's how I came over from Dublin this morning.

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But if you put a tiny drop of soap anywhere near it,

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the detergent would break the surface tension

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and they would drown.

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But I've got an interesting experiment,

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and I do love, as you know, to do an interesting experiment.

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He does love an experiment.

0:17:020:17:03

Now, these will represent red ants.

0:17:030:17:06

And this is just, I just find this magical.

0:17:060:17:08

And it's something you can do at home, ladies and gentlemen,

0:17:080:17:11

this is what's fun about it. And...

0:17:110:17:13

Will we form an island

0:17:130:17:15

and swim across the jar of water?

0:17:150:17:17

No. This is red coloured sand

0:17:170:17:19

and this is floating on top.

0:17:190:17:20

You'll notice wherever I drop it, it tends to start clinging together.

0:17:200:17:24

So you've got, here's your little raft of red ants,

0:17:240:17:27

there they are, in the water.

0:17:270:17:29

And I can put my finger in it, like that,

0:17:290:17:31

and my finger will come out completely dry.

0:17:310:17:34

Absolutely dry.

0:17:340:17:35

-That's bizarre.

-Holy cow!

0:17:350:17:38

Yeah, there you are, there you are.

0:17:380:17:39

And I've got no sand on my finger at all. And it just, but...

0:17:390:17:42

Are you a devil?

0:17:420:17:43

Watch this. This will excite you.

0:17:440:17:46

I'm going to pour all this in here.

0:17:460:17:48

-Blue ants are attacking red ants!

-Goodness!

0:17:480:17:50

Yeah, all these blue ants here, it's just horrible.

0:17:500:17:52

And look at that, it's all clustered down below.

0:17:520:17:54

But this is the magic part.

0:17:540:17:56

I get my spoon and I get, all this sand that's underwater now,

0:17:560:17:59

and I just pick up a little bit of it, like so.

0:17:590:18:03

And it's completely dry.

0:18:030:18:04

-No way!

-It's utterly dry.

0:18:040:18:05

Witchcraft!

0:18:050:18:06

-Sorcery!

-Burn him!

0:18:060:18:08

It's completely dry. It is, look.

0:18:080:18:11

Witch!

0:18:110:18:12

Sand, absolutely dry,

0:18:120:18:13

even though there are drops of water next to it.

0:18:130:18:15

-Isn't that magical?

-That really is.

-That's just sand and water?

0:18:150:18:18

Well, I can tell you.

0:18:180:18:20

It's the special nature of the sand. It's been, as it were, coated.

0:18:200:18:23

And, without wishing to give away the name of a brand of spray

0:18:230:18:29

that you are encouraged when you buy suede shoes to use

0:18:290:18:34

to protect your suede shoes,

0:18:340:18:36

that might be called something that rhymed with Gotch Scard...

0:18:360:18:40

If you wanted to try this experiment at home,

0:18:420:18:46

you would get a can of that Gotch Scard

0:18:460:18:49

and spray the sand with it and you will

0:18:490:18:52

be able to amaze your friends, if, but only if, you're as sad as I am.

0:18:520:18:56

But there you are. Hooray!

0:18:580:18:59

APPLAUSE

0:18:590:19:01

-The fun you can have with things.

-Yes.

0:19:060:19:09

It's nice, it's good.

0:19:090:19:11

It is. Very fun.

0:19:110:19:12

Exactly.

0:19:120:19:13

Well, anyway, what goes at 40mph and smells of curry?

0:19:130:19:17

Ah, no.

0:19:170:19:19

-BIRD SCREECH

-Yea?

0:19:190:19:20

Usain Balti.

0:19:200:19:22

APPLAUSE

0:19:240:19:25

That's very good!

0:19:270:19:29

I have to say that's impressive.

0:19:330:19:36

I have to give you points for that, it's just too good.

0:19:380:19:40

I will give you this clue.

0:19:430:19:45

An astonishing number of animals in the wild smell of other things.

0:19:450:19:50

And there is an animal that smells of curry.

0:19:500:19:52

And there's no reason for it to, because it doesn't live in India, it doesn't eat chillies.

0:19:520:19:57

But 40mph is pretty quick.

0:19:570:19:58

That's the thing. It's the fastest of its species.

0:19:580:20:01

And it's a signature species for a whole nation, a whole continent.

0:20:010:20:05

The ostrich goes about 40mph.

0:20:050:20:06

It does, but this is not a bird.

0:20:060:20:08

-Kangaroo.

-Yes.

0:20:080:20:09

It's the western grey kangaroo.

0:20:090:20:11

The fastest of all the kangaroos, and amazingly...

0:20:110:20:15

It smells of curry?

0:20:150:20:16

-AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-"Ah, Jesus, smells of a curry. Smell that, mate."

0:20:160:20:20

That's just an Australian who's had a curry the night before,

0:20:210:20:24

done a particularly stinky fart,

0:20:240:20:26

and then tried to blame it on a passing kangaroo.

0:20:260:20:29

"Oh, did you see that kangaroo go by there?

0:20:310:20:35

"Jeez, what a stink! It's like a curry!"

0:20:350:20:40

Anyway, that's one animal that smells unusual.

0:20:400:20:42

You're not going to get this next one

0:20:420:20:44

because it's such an unusual animal, but it's rather pleasing to think

0:20:440:20:47

the binturong smells like a freshly made batch of popcorn.

0:20:470:20:52

It's also called a bearcat,

0:20:530:20:54

but it's actually more like a civet than either a bear or a cat,

0:20:540:20:58

but apparently it smells of freshly baked popcorn.

0:20:580:21:01

Isn't that a lovely thing for an animal to smell of?

0:21:010:21:04

Is it slightly overpriced?

0:21:040:21:05

And is the medium one almost exactly the same as a large one?

0:21:070:21:10

Does it smell like salted or sugar popcorn?

0:21:120:21:14

-Ah, now, there's a good question.

-Yeah!

0:21:140:21:16

Their birth is apparently fascinating,

0:21:160:21:18

because originally they're just in a tiny egg,

0:21:180:21:20

and then on a very hot day, suddenly just pop into the air.

0:21:200:21:24

I'm going to show you another animal

0:21:250:21:27

and it's a common blue butterfly that has been described by

0:21:270:21:31

the famous naturalist Geoffrey Grigson as having a particular smell.

0:21:310:21:34

-Finger of fudge.

-Yes!

0:21:340:21:37

What?!

0:21:370:21:38

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:21:400:21:43

Unbelievable!

0:21:430:21:45

Unglaublich. I mean, I've got to accept that, because the answer is chocolate.

0:21:460:21:51

-Wow.

-That is amazing.

0:21:520:21:54

How does he do it?

0:21:560:21:57

Yeah, you two have developed some bizarre understanding where...

0:21:570:22:01

Yeah, how does a man be on this show every week come up with all the answers? I don't know.

0:22:020:22:06

He's having a spurt, like an adolescent having a growth spurt.

0:22:080:22:13

A brain spurt. It's very impressive. Sorry.

0:22:130:22:18

My father.

0:22:180:22:20

Taking of Alan having a spurt is not what I'm meant to be doing.

0:22:200:22:23

-So chocolate is ground-up butterflies?

-Well, no...

0:22:240:22:29

It just so happens that that species,

0:22:300:22:33

according to Geoffrey Grigson, smells of chocolate.

0:22:330:22:36

Well, there you are. I am staggered by Alan's knowledge.

0:22:360:22:39

Now, as long as we're in the jungle, let's have a dubious jungle theory.

0:22:390:22:44

'A dubious theory from Stephen Fry.'

0:22:450:22:47

Ah, dear.

0:22:490:22:50

At least 10% of the Amazonian rainforest was deliberately

0:22:500:22:54

created by human activity over a period of 1,500 years

0:22:540:22:58

more than 1,000 years ago.

0:22:580:23:00

It's an enormous orchard twice the area of Great Britain.

0:23:000:23:04

Dubious or not?

0:23:040:23:05

Look at the evidence on jungleschmungle.co.uk

0:23:050:23:09

and decide for yourself.

0:23:090:23:10

'A dubious theory from Stephen Fry.'

0:23:100:23:13

This is a genuine theory.

0:23:150:23:17

Can you understand the idea that the Amazon, which we think

0:23:170:23:19

of as the wildest place on Earth might actually have been, a lot of it...

0:23:190:23:23

Is there a large part of it, then,

0:23:230:23:25

that bears fruit that we would consume?

0:23:250:23:28

Not only that, there is real evidence that a large part,

0:23:280:23:33

certainly not the majority, but a large part of it is composed

0:23:330:23:37

of soil that is of human origin, called terra preta,

0:23:370:23:41

which is "black earth" in Portuguese.

0:23:410:23:44

It contains charcoal, bone, manure and pottery

0:23:440:23:46

and can only be humanly produced as a soil for growing.

0:23:460:23:50

It was created deliberately over 1,500 years,

0:23:500:23:54

rich in nutrients that last thousands of years.

0:23:540:23:57

BBC Four made a programme about it called Unnatural Histories,

0:23:570:24:00

arguing that an advanced civilisation of five to six million people

0:24:000:24:04

flourished along the Amazon in the 1540s and then diseases

0:24:040:24:09

brought by the Spanish such as smallpox and flu wiped out up to 95%

0:24:090:24:14

of the population, and by the 18th century, the rainforest was empty.

0:24:140:24:17

They left no buildings and only the soil behind.

0:24:170:24:21

Extraordinary thought, isn't it?

0:24:210:24:22

-And they left Amazon.co.uk.

-They did give us that, thank goodness.

0:24:220:24:26

They say in North America as well,

0:24:260:24:28

they always low-ball the amount of Indians who were there,

0:24:280:24:32

but after the Spanish came the first time, because they travelled

0:24:320:24:37

with their pigs, they had every manner of pig-borne disease,

0:24:370:24:39

and when they came back 100 years later, everyone was dead.

0:24:390:24:43

There was a quarter of the population that they had then.

0:24:430:24:45

I don't think it's strange that that would have happened.

0:24:450:24:48

And because they didn't leave buildings,

0:24:480:24:50

we don't give them any credit, except that they left

0:24:500:24:53

-an enormous forest which makes the planet breathe.

-I know.

0:24:530:24:56

And, indeed, developed a type of soil that is still amongst

0:24:560:24:58

the most fertile and useful soil there is on earth.

0:24:580:25:02

It is remarkable. Not amusing, but true.

0:25:020:25:06

Rather like my bottom.

0:25:060:25:08

I don't know how that happened.

0:25:130:25:15

So you saying true like, your bottom will always be there,

0:25:150:25:18

-like it's true, your bottom is true.

-It is a bottom of truth.

0:25:180:25:22

All right. That's a bold statement to make about yourself on national TV. Very impressive.

0:25:220:25:28

It's the measure of bottoms, it's the first bottom

0:25:280:25:31

and other bottoms are compared always to that one.

0:25:310:25:33

-That's right.

-That's why it's known as the true bottom.

0:25:330:25:36

Or the arse of verity.

0:25:360:25:38

-Very fertile.

-Whoa!

0:25:390:25:41

-OK. Let's just move away.

-You started it!

0:25:430:25:47

I did. I just painted myself into a corner. I don't know how I managed that.

0:25:480:25:52

All right. Moving on. Describe the world's most hideous lunch.

0:25:520:25:57

There's a pretty rotten fruit you can get in Indonesia that stinks.

0:25:570:26:00

-Well, the durian fruit you're thinking of?

-Yes.

0:26:000:26:03

-Yes. It's actually delicious, but..

-It smells like rotting flesh.

0:26:030:26:06

Yeah. This is actually an animal thing.

0:26:060:26:08

It's just one of those cruel tricks of nature, you know,

0:26:080:26:12

that certain species find ways of eating other species

0:26:120:26:15

that are cunning and cruel.

0:26:150:26:17

It's not going to be a burrowing parasite thing?

0:26:170:26:20

Well, it's sort of...

0:26:200:26:22

In your Jap's eye.

0:26:220:26:23

Oh!

0:26:230:26:25

Or in your eye, even.

0:26:250:26:26

Think of a little, innocent frog.

0:26:260:26:29

A frog sees a larva, a little bug of some kind,

0:26:290:26:31

it will dart its tongue out.

0:26:310:26:34

There you go, there's the big frog and there's the little larva,

0:26:340:26:36

and the frog's going to win.

0:26:360:26:38

The frog's going to poke its tongue out and it's going to eat.

0:26:380:26:41

-It's not that small a larva.

-I agree.

0:26:410:26:42

I mean, I still think that's quite an ambitious meal

0:26:420:26:45

for that frog to take on.

0:26:450:26:46

I agree. One of two things happens.

0:26:460:26:48

One is the larva will simply attack the frog

0:26:480:26:50

and latch itself with its quite strong horns,

0:26:500:26:53

which you might just be able to discern in the picture...

0:26:530:26:55

What I would do.

0:26:550:26:56

-..onto the back.

-I would do that.

0:26:560:26:58

And then just eat it from the inside out.

0:26:580:27:00

Yeah, that's exactly what I would do.

0:27:000:27:02

Until there's nothing left but a pile of bones.

0:27:020:27:04

It would simply eat the whole thing.

0:27:040:27:05

Really? One larva?

0:27:050:27:07

Yeah. But if it so happens the frog is really quick

0:27:070:27:10

and gets the larva into its stomach, it will then an hour later

0:27:100:27:13

regurgitate it, and the larvae will still be alive and will then eat.

0:27:130:27:19

Holy cow!

0:27:190:27:20

So it will be eaten and then eat the thing that ate it,

0:27:200:27:23

which is pretty unusual in the world of nature.

0:27:230:27:26

So you can have your frog and eat it?

0:27:260:27:29

You can, exactly. It's a pretty unpleasant process.

0:27:290:27:33

It makes you wonder about all things bright and beautiful.

0:27:330:27:36

But we have no footage. Do we have footage?

0:27:360:27:39

We have footage, I'm afraid.

0:27:390:27:40

Oh, no! Don't eat that larva!

0:27:400:27:43

Two hours later.

0:27:450:27:46

-Oh!

-"I don't feel so good!"

0:27:460:27:48

Oh, having a vomit and out, it's pulling out of its own mouth

0:27:480:27:52

the thing that is then going to eat it.

0:27:520:27:55

It's just so, and there, oh, it's just being eaten,

0:27:570:27:59

it's eating its chin.

0:27:590:28:00

It's basically just...

0:28:000:28:02

-He was a prince as well!

-I know.

0:28:020:28:04

It's really not a nice relationship.

0:28:060:28:08

And there they are. Poor frog.

0:28:080:28:10

Wait a minute, I didn't see the end, who won?

0:28:100:28:13

It looked pretty intense,

0:28:140:28:15

but it looked like it could go either way, really, you know what I mean.

0:28:150:28:18

We were too tasteful to show you the outcome, it was horrible.

0:28:180:28:21

-Too tasteful? That's what's up.

-They shake hands and then they say,

0:28:210:28:24

"We've both learned a valuable lesson here."

0:28:240:28:26

It's called the Epomis beetle larva.

0:28:260:28:29

About 10% of predator/prey relationships are where

0:28:300:28:34

a smaller animal can eat a bigger one,

0:28:340:28:36

but those are all active attacks.

0:28:360:28:38

This is the luring technique.

0:28:380:28:40

It actually waves and says, "Eat me! Eat me!"

0:28:400:28:43

It actually draws attention to itself

0:28:430:28:45

so that the frog approaches it and eats it.

0:28:450:28:47

Did you know that 8% of predator/prey relationships are homosexual?

0:28:470:28:51

A lot of people don't know that.

0:28:530:28:55

But while on the subject of frogs, what's this little frog doing?

0:28:550:28:58

What's this chap up to?

0:28:580:29:00

Wow! It's practising first position?

0:29:020:29:05

No. What's going on in the background?

0:29:050:29:08

He's trying to build up his nerve into jumping in that gushing stream.

0:29:080:29:11

And he's going, argh, I can do this!

0:29:110:29:13

He's facing the other way.

0:29:130:29:14

Ah, I can do this.

0:29:140:29:15

Is he fishing? Is he catching things in his webbed...?

0:29:150:29:18

No.

0:29:180:29:19

I was thinking maybe there was a plane load of frogs trying to land.

0:29:190:29:24

APPLAUSE

0:29:240:29:28

But you know, air traffic controller frog.

0:29:320:29:34

What is it about the background?

0:29:360:29:39

Running water. Water stream, I mean...

0:29:390:29:42

Yeah, and what does that create?

0:29:420:29:44

If you've got a waterfall behind you,

0:29:440:29:46

how do you communicate with your neighbour?

0:29:460:29:48

-How do you shout?

-It's sign language?

-Yes.

0:29:480:29:51

-No!

-It's semaphore.

0:29:510:29:53

-Really?

-Stop it!

0:29:530:29:54

It's the semaphore frog, because it lives by waterfalls and cataracts,

0:29:540:29:58

and so little...

0:29:580:29:59

(IMITATES FROG)

0:29:590:30:01

..won't get heard.

0:30:010:30:02

So that's how it communicates.

0:30:020:30:04

Basically, it's saying to other males,

0:30:040:30:06

"This is my territory, keep away."

0:30:060:30:07

Or it's saying to girls, "Here I am."

0:30:070:30:09

Unless it's 8%, of course.

0:30:090:30:11

It is a wonderful sight.

0:30:140:30:16

It's solved the problem of the fact that it can't vocalise,

0:30:160:30:19

because it lives in a noisy environment.

0:30:190:30:21

There are other ways of attracting mates which are unusual.

0:30:210:30:25

CRICKETS CHIRP

0:30:250:30:27

Yes?

0:30:270:30:28

The internet.

0:30:280:30:30

LAUGHTER

0:30:300:30:32

If only you'd said what you often call the internet.

0:30:320:30:35

-What do you sometimes call the internet?

-The interweb.

0:30:350:30:38

-Yes.

-Web, spiders.

0:30:380:30:39

Spiders, yes.

0:30:390:30:40

Spiders make webs to catch prey so they can eat, survive and thrive.

0:30:400:30:44

Yes. But there's a particular breed of spider, they ejaculate into a pad

0:30:440:30:49

of webbing and transfer the sperm-laden pad to their "palps",

0:30:490:30:54

which are like their antennae,

0:30:540:30:56

and then they wave them around to attract the female.

0:30:560:30:59

"I've got some sperm here. I've got some sperm for you."

0:30:590:31:02

I used to do that, I used to do that to my ex-girlfriend, because...

0:31:040:31:06

I mean...

0:31:090:31:12

Why am I not surprised by the word "ex" in there?

0:31:120:31:14

Yeah, I mean she just wanted to have a baby so bad,

0:31:140:31:16

it was just really easy to get her excited like that.

0:31:160:31:18

"I've got some sperm."

0:31:180:31:19

And she'd come running and I'd be like,

0:31:190:31:21

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding."

0:31:210:31:23

You're probably each well out of it.

0:31:230:31:26

Yeah, she's the better for it.

0:31:260:31:27

I mean, in fact, I take pride in believing that I helped her

0:31:270:31:29

prepare for the next cat that she...

0:31:290:31:31

And think what you're saving on triple ply tissues. There you are.

0:31:310:31:35

Wow!

0:31:350:31:37

Sorry.

0:31:370:31:38

In some weird English way, I feel dealt with.

0:31:380:31:41

By the way, the credit for the video tape of that extraordinary frog

0:31:450:31:50

waving its hands belongs to the School of Environment

0:31:500:31:52

of Life Sciences at the University of Salford.

0:31:520:31:54

Thank you, University of Salford.

0:31:540:31:56

Anyway, Alan, what I'd like you to do is press your buzzer.

0:31:560:31:59

-It's not a trap.

-It's going to be a trap.

0:32:030:32:05

Yeah, press your buzzer.

0:32:050:32:07

CRICKETS CHIRP

0:32:070:32:08

What are those and how do they make that noise?

0:32:080:32:11

Now, this could be one of two things.

0:32:110:32:14

Right.

0:32:140:32:15

There's the one that makes the noise by inflating its thorax,

0:32:150:32:18

and the one that makes a noise by rubbing its back legs together...

0:32:180:32:22

SIREN BLARES

0:32:220:32:25

So I think it was the first one.

0:32:260:32:29

There is actually no insect that makes a noise

0:32:320:32:35

by rubbing its back legs together.

0:32:350:32:37

Ah.

0:32:370:32:38

But do you know what the animal was in fact you were listening to?

0:32:380:32:41

-Cicada.

-It's a cricket, in fact.

0:32:410:32:43

It's been known for thousands of years that crickets

0:32:430:32:46

don't chirp by rubbing their legs together.

0:32:460:32:48

So where did that come from then?

0:32:480:32:49

It's just one of those weird fallacies that people cling to,

0:32:490:32:52

and I've clung to fallacies, and it's, it's a...

0:32:520:32:55

LAUGHTER

0:32:550:32:57

He did say weird phallus, didn't he?

0:32:570:33:00

This, this is all, this is...

0:33:000:33:02

He said it's a weird phallus that people cling to.

0:33:020:33:04

He said that, didn't he?

0:33:040:33:06

-He said, he said fallacies.

-Oh.

0:33:060:33:08

That means many phalluses.

0:33:080:33:09

Yeah, thank you.

0:33:090:33:12

Rubbing body... Oh, God, it's getting worse, sorry.

0:33:120:33:15

Rubbing body parts to make sound is called stridulation.

0:33:150:33:19

And crickets have a large vein along the bottom of each wing,

0:33:190:33:22

covered with comb-like teeth.

0:33:220:33:25

The chirp comes from the scraping on the top of one wing

0:33:250:33:29

over the bottom of the other. Nothing to do with legs at all.

0:33:290:33:31

-So it's the wings, not their legs.

-It's the wings, not their legs.

0:33:310:33:34

And only male crickets chirp, the females don't.

0:33:340:33:36

Four songs, one to attract a female, two to court a nearby female,

0:33:360:33:41

three to warn off another male,

0:33:410:33:43

and four to celebrate a successful mating session.

0:33:430:33:47

Really?

0:33:470:33:48

Or, four to say to the female, "Why don't you say something?!"

0:33:500:33:53

Yes, quite.

0:33:530:33:54

So, basically, it's like they're high-fiving themselves.

0:33:540:33:57

-Yes, they are.

-After their...Wooo!

0:33:570:33:58

Yes, success!

0:33:580:34:00

I would just order pizza.

0:34:000:34:03

That's what we tend to do, but they just high-five themselves,

0:34:030:34:06

as you say. But this, listen to this,

0:34:060:34:08

this is the most extraordinary cricket of all.

0:34:080:34:11

It's the snowy tree cricket.

0:34:110:34:13

And if you count the times, because they're very susceptible

0:34:130:34:18

to temperature, if you count the times they chirp in 14 seconds

0:34:180:34:23

and add 40, you will get the temperature in Fahrenheit.

0:34:230:34:28

No way, shut up!

0:34:280:34:30

Yes way, absolute way.

0:34:300:34:32

I know it sounds mad, it's from the 1897 masterpiece by Amos Dolbear,

0:34:320:34:35

The Cricket as a Thermometer.

0:34:350:34:38

But it is extraordinary, isn't it?

0:34:410:34:43

I'd still prefer a thermometer up my bum if I was in hospital than a...

0:34:430:34:47

Amazing, isn't it?

0:34:530:34:55

Dolbear's Law. Now you know.

0:34:550:34:56

Anyway, what lives underwater

0:34:560:34:59

and is the loudest animal in the world for its size?

0:34:590:35:03

-ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

-Greg Proops?

0:35:030:35:04

Oprah.

0:35:040:35:06

Good answer, but untrue.

0:35:080:35:11

-Is it going to be a blue whale?

-SIRENS BLARE

0:35:110:35:13

Oh, Alan, you and your blue, you were doing so well.

0:35:130:35:17

No, it's the largest in relation to its size,

0:35:170:35:19

the noise it makes is quite astounding.

0:35:190:35:22

When I tell you that its size is two millimetres,

0:35:220:35:25

and it creates a sound of over 99 decibels,

0:35:250:35:29

which is like a freight train passing by.

0:35:290:35:33

It's an incredibly loud noise,

0:35:330:35:34

and it's a little lake creature, actually.

0:35:340:35:36

Do you know those things that seem to walk on water, do you remember what they're called?

0:35:360:35:40

Our Lord?

0:35:400:35:42

APPLAUSE

0:35:460:35:50

You could call this the Jesus insect if you wanted. It's a water boatman.

0:35:500:35:54

The water boatman is a beautiful little creature

0:35:540:35:56

and it uses the surface tension of the water, there you see,

0:35:560:35:59

to walk along the water.

0:35:590:36:01

That's a pond skater, of course.

0:36:010:36:03

So unlike a blue whale in almost every respect.

0:36:030:36:07

It really is. The noise it gives out is like a passing freight train.

0:36:070:36:11

We have a theory how they produce it, and we'd like you

0:36:110:36:14

to try out our theory.

0:36:140:36:16

They use their penises against their tummies.

0:36:160:36:19

Penii?

0:36:190:36:21

Penii, if you like.

0:36:210:36:22

Penises if you wanted to speak in English, but...

0:36:220:36:24

But by all means penii, if you like.

0:36:260:36:28

They rub their penises on their tummy

0:36:280:36:31

and somehow create a noise of 99.2 decibels.

0:36:310:36:34

-But that's just a theory though, right?

-Yeah.

0:36:340:36:37

Because I put my penis against my belly, it don't make no noise.

0:36:370:36:40

If you really whack it though, if you...

0:36:400:36:42

(MIMES WHIP NOISE)

0:36:420:36:45

Steady, steady.

0:36:450:36:46

It depends on if I have to get up in a hurry.

0:36:460:36:48

Like, if I got an hour or so...

0:36:480:36:51

Imagine that it's a penis, all right.

0:36:510:36:54

If you'd pass that to Greg.

0:36:540:36:57

You know, imagining is not helping, but all right.

0:36:570:37:01

Obviously there's yours, Alan.

0:37:010:37:03

No.

0:37:040:37:06

APPLAUSE

0:37:060:37:09

You can have a normal one.

0:37:090:37:10

Now this is quite complicated,

0:37:100:37:12

but you should have a little bowl of rosin,

0:37:120:37:15

as in the kind of stuff that ballet dancers use

0:37:150:37:18

to keep their shoes from sliding on the stage

0:37:180:37:21

and string players use for their bows. Ordinary rosin.

0:37:210:37:23

Oh, very good. Listen to that noise. Keep doing that.

0:37:230:37:27

HIGH-PITCHED TONE

0:37:270:37:30

You're rubbing, you're trying to, it gets surprisingly loud,

0:37:310:37:35

doesn't it?

0:37:350:37:36

HIGH-PITCHED TONE CONTINUES

0:37:360:37:40

Oh, God, yes!

0:37:400:37:42

I don't seem to be attracting any boatmen or women.

0:37:440:37:47

HIGH-PITCHED TONE

0:37:470:37:49

I'm not getting 99 decibels.

0:37:490:37:50

TONE INCREASES IN VOLUME

0:37:500:37:52

There, you see that?

0:37:520:37:54

This is still louder, though.

0:37:540:37:56

-Is that yours?

-But isn't that surprising?

0:38:020:38:04

Wow!

0:38:040:38:05

TONE INCREASES IN VOLUME

0:38:050:38:07

-Yeah.

-Aaah!

0:38:070:38:09

Aaaaaah!

0:38:090:38:10

It's like Mars Attacks and our brains will explode.

0:38:100:38:14

Solo!

0:38:160:38:17

Alan's very good at it, isn't he?

0:38:170:38:20

Have you given him a wand? Is that a wand?

0:38:200:38:22

APPLAUSE

0:38:220:38:25

It's a very interesting thing.

0:38:310:38:32

You can pop your little ones down now. Yeah.

0:38:320:38:35

It is surprising how...how loud it can be.

0:38:350:38:41

No females have approached, Stephen.

0:38:410:38:43

I could do it under the table, then no-one knows...

0:38:440:38:47

HIGH-PITCHED TONE

0:38:470:38:51

Miss, Miss, Alan's doing it again!

0:38:510:38:53

TONE INCREASES IN VOLUME

0:38:530:38:57

You're very good at it! Alan, you have a natural talent at last.

0:38:570:39:02

And he's doing that with his penis.

0:39:020:39:04

He put the rod down hours ago.

0:39:060:39:08

-It actually is 99 decibels?

-About 90% of it is lost underwater,

0:39:090:39:13

but you can still hear it above water, because it's so loud.

0:39:130:39:15

-How loud is a blue whale? Come on!

-Oh, it's loud.

0:39:150:39:20

-The blue whale is capable of 188 decibels.

-Ah!

-Which is a lot more.

0:39:200:39:24

Way more! And its cock is enormous!

0:39:240:39:28

But we were talking about proportionality.

0:39:290:39:31

If it was able to rub its cock on its belly, it would be DEAFENING!

0:39:310:39:36

It can't, you see. That's what nature provides,

0:39:360:39:40

because their flippers are too short.

0:39:400:39:42

If they could get access to their enormous penis,

0:39:420:39:44

they would deafen the oceans.

0:39:440:39:46

So, the water boatman makes a big noise

0:39:470:39:50

with its mighty, stridulating penis.

0:39:500:39:53

Anyway, throughout the show tonight, there's been a species of

0:39:530:39:57

striped animal in full view here in the studio.

0:39:570:40:01

Let me know when you see it.

0:40:010:40:03

There is a striped animal somewhere in the studio in full view.

0:40:030:40:07

-Er, are people stripey?

-Yes!

-Really?

0:40:080:40:12

All human beings have stripes, very regular stripes, on their skin.

0:40:120:40:17

They were discovered in 1901 by a dermatologist,

0:40:170:40:20

and they're called Blashcko lines.

0:40:200:40:22

He studied 140 patients who had a particular kind of skin disease,

0:40:220:40:26

and he drew up the map that followed the exact lines.

0:40:260:40:29

They just don't show unless you have that particular condition.

0:40:290:40:33

-It's almost like camouflage if we lived in pasta.

-Yes!

0:40:330:40:38

It would be. Maybe that's how it evolved.

0:40:380:40:41

But in cases of animals that are obviously striped like zebras...

0:40:410:40:45

-Tigers!

-And tigers. Zebras, for example...

-Want a point for that?

0:40:450:40:50

-Oh, yeah.

-Is a zebra white with black stripes or black with white stripes?

0:40:500:40:54

-Yes.

-Which?

-It's black with... What do you think, Greg?

0:40:540:40:58

Thank you, Alan.

0:41:000:41:02

One, they smell like chocolate, so I'd say chocolate.

0:41:020:41:06

I would say they are black with white lines,

0:41:060:41:09

that's what I would say.

0:41:090:41:11

-No, they're white with black stripes.

-Well, you would say that, wouldn't you, white man!

0:41:110:41:15

APPLAUSE

0:41:150:41:17

-But they have black noses.

-They do have black noses.

-That's ridiculous.

0:41:190:41:23

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I'm not playing any more.

0:41:230:41:26

-I'm furious.

-It was discovered...

0:41:260:41:28

Ooooh!

0:41:280:41:30

Now, we don't throw our toys out of the pram.

0:41:320:41:35

Humans are not only striped, incidentally,

0:41:350:41:37

we are also bioluminescent.

0:41:370:41:39

We give off light, and this, again, was a recent discovery,

0:41:390:41:42

a Japanese discovery. In 2009 they photographed

0:41:420:41:45

the faint glow of human bioluminescence for the first time.

0:41:450:41:50

It's 1,000 times weaker than our eyes can detect, unfortunately.

0:41:500:41:54

But it is there. We do give off a small amount of light.

0:41:540:41:57

It's a shame he's got his pants on, cos I'd like to see how luminous your cock is!

0:41:570:42:01

You must get yourself a job in one of those body scanning units at Heathrow,

0:42:030:42:07

and you would have the most amusing time

0:42:070:42:10

looking at people's willies as they walk through.

0:42:100:42:13

The green bit is a mystery.

0:42:140:42:16

I don't know whether that is the photograph

0:42:160:42:18

and the sensitivity of the camera is such that...

0:42:180:42:21

That's bio-Hulk-inescence.

0:42:210:42:23

That's the Credible Hulk, who was slightly different...

0:42:230:42:28

I like the Credible Hulk. He's a Hulk, but I believe him.

0:42:280:42:32

He goes a little bit green and slightly peeved.

0:42:330:42:37

I would watch the Credible Hulk. There you are.

0:42:380:42:42

Anyway, it's time for the final scores.

0:42:420:42:46

I'm sorry to say, that in last place with minus 10 is Alan Davies.

0:42:460:42:51

APPLAUSE

0:42:510:42:53

How did I get minus 10?

0:42:530:42:55

And just behind, with minus eight, is Greg Proops.

0:42:550:43:00

APPLAUSE

0:43:000:43:02

Then, with minus six, is David O'Doherty.

0:43:040:43:08

APPLAUSE

0:43:080:43:10

With one plus point, Reginald D Hunter.

0:43:130:43:18

APPLAUSE

0:43:180:43:21

Well done.

0:43:210:43:22

Well, that's all from David, Reginald, Greg, Alan and me.

0:43:270:43:33

Remember, snakes are more afraid of you than you are of them.

0:43:330:43:37

Unfortunately, this is not true of mosquitoes,

0:43:370:43:39

spiders, bears or tigers.

0:43:390:43:41

But don't have nightmares. Good night.

0:43:410:43:43

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