Jungles QI XL

APPLAUSE

Goooooooood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,

and to a greater or lesser extent, good evening and welcome to QI,

where tonight, my companions and I are plunging into the jungle.

And helping me swing my machete are, the King of the Jungle, Greg Proops.

APPLAUSE

The King of the Swingers, Reginald D Hunter.

APPLAUSE

A jungle VIP, David O'Doherty.

APPLAUSE

And a bit of an animal, Alan Davies.

APPLAUSE

Well, before we begin, we ought to hear your beastly buzzers. Reginald goes...

LION ROARS

David goes...

BIRD SCREECHES

Greg goes...

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

And Alan goes...

CRICKET CHIRPS

All creatures in the jungle are of equal value.

So, first question. Where will the lion sleep tonight?

Ah, no. Is this going to be a trick where they don't sleep in the night?

Where they don't sleep in the jungle?

You're right.

Man, I am nailing this game!

Because of course there is a famous song.

In the jungle the lion sleeps tonight.

Wimoweh, wimoweh.

By Tight Fit.

-Well, by all kinds of people, actually.

-But mainly Tight Fit.

But what you managed to avoid was falling into the trap

that lions sleep in the jungle, because where do lions live?

Office buildings.

I was going to say Luton. I don't know why.

Don't they live in like the veldt or something like that?

The savannah. It's dry, it's certainly not jungle.

You wouldn't get a lion there.

And also, quite rightly, one of you said, they don't sleep at night.

Actually they do sleep a bit at night,

but most of their waking hours are at night.

They sleep a hell of a lot, because they're cats.

And what do cats do?

Sleep in the jungle, er, forest?

They do a lot of sleeping.

That's what I was going to say.

Yeah. They basically let big animals spend 23 hours a day

eating grass and then they kill them and eat them all

and get all that nutrient that lasts them for a week.

So instead of eating vegetables,

you eat something that does eat vegetables.

Exactly right. That's true.

I feel better about my diet now.

Yeah, I'm glad about that.

But the song The Lion Sleeps Tonight was the most popular song

ever to come out of Africa.

It was written by a man called Solomon Linda.

He and the Evening Birds, as the band were called,

recorded a song called Mbube, which is the Zulu word for lion.

And they chanted, "Mbube, uyi Mbube" - lion, you're a lion.

And he was paid the princely sum of £1.

No more than that. In 1949, Pete Seeger gave it to the Weavers.

They made a huge hit out of it.

And then it just carried on being a hit,

and all kinds of people, like Tight Fit.

Tight Fit!

But, more importantly, perhaps...

It's better than Loose Fit for a band, I suppose.

Disney, in 1994, incorporated it into...?

The Lion King.

Into The Lion King. Now, it's estimated that if Solomon Linda...

-I'll get points for that.

-Will you?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-For knowing Lion King?

If Solomon Linda had been paid standard composer royalties,

he would have earned, just from the Broadway version...

£2.

Just from the Broadway version alone... £3.

5 million.

-Oh!

-Just in five years. That's just five years of it.

I've got a question now. The pound that he earned, who paid him that?

Was it somebody British?

No, someone South African, I fear.

So what were them people doing with y'all money?

It's a good and fair question.

It's not the first time that musicians, artists, composers

have been exploited, but it is a pretty extreme example of it.

So just from the song being used in the Lion King, the musical

on Broadway, he'd have made 5 million?

Yes. That shows you how much Elton John makes.

That's what I was going to say.

No wonder Tim Rice is always grinning!

Yeah, exactly. There's a lot of money in musicals.

It is staggering, isn't it?

But, fortunately, there was some good that came out it,

because a South African journalist called Rian Malan

brought the case to international notice

and Solomon Linda's family sued and came to a settlement.

So the heirs of Solomon Linda have at least benefited from it.

Which is a good story.

That's good, that's good.

Isn't it?

Nice to see that, you know, natives weren't exploited again, you know.

That's a good story there, if I was, yeah, I would tell that story to...

And yet we opened by saying

that the whole thing was predicated on a black lie.

-In the jungle, the mighty jungle.

-Lions do not sleep in the jungle.

The Lion Sleeps Tonight.

It doesn't sleep at night, doesn't sleep in the jungle.

He's lucky to get a £1 for it, if you ask me.

Anyway, so that's it.

Now, what would be the best way for Tarzan to get around the jungle?

Well...

Without a family, I would guess.

Without being tied down.

Is that Johnny Weissmuller?

That's Johnny Weissmuller, who made his name as a...

-German Olympic swimmer.

-Olympic swimmer, that's right.

-Is that Maureen O'Sullivan?

-That's Maureen O'Sullivan.

Was the boy just called Boy?

Boy, yes.

Yes, he was, the boy was called Boy and the chimpanzee was called?

Cheetah.

Cheetah, yes.

-He gets around by swimming and swinging on... What does he swing on, Greg?

-Vines.

SIREN BLARES

You trapped him!

Oh, Alan! You wicked, wicked, that was diabolical!

I feel really good tonight,

I feel like I've finally nailed this game.

I didn't know you were going to use your Jedi powers on me, Davies.

I came in here with every good intention

and the next thing I know, I'm providing answers to you.

Tarzan, in the movies, does appear to swing on vines,

or lianas, as they're called.

But it's impossible to do so,

because they grow from roots in the ground.

So, if you tried to swing, you'd just fall straight down.

You might get some that are twisted into the branches,

but no animal or ape conveys themselves by swinging on woods.

But what about when you see,

you know, gibbons and whatnot, flinging through the jungle?

Ah, now that's a very different kind of action, which is brachiation.

Using their arms to move along.

And gibbons do that and are excellent at it,

and as you can see, There you are, yeah. That...

CRICKETS CHIRP

Orang-utan.

Four.

You're in a competitive mood tonight.

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

I'd like to say that Alan is Tarzan's chimp,

because "cheaters" never prosper.

Hey, very good!

But Edgar Rice Burroughs, who created Tarzan, of course, he said,

"He leaps through the trees unaided."

"He could drop 20 feet at a stretch from limb to limb

"in rapid descent to the ground,

"or he could gain the utmost pinnacle

"of the loftiest tropical giant with ease and the swiftness of a squirrel."

And also, why would it be a vine in the middle of the jungle?

Because a vine is?

Grapes grow on vines.

Exactly.

But, you know, as in the manner of grapevines,

now, as legend has it, Tarzan, the reason he used a vine

was not because of its strength

or, you know, the fact that it came up out of the ground,

it was more so because early on,

when he heard about his girlfriend cheating on him,

it came, he heard it via one of those vines.

A lot of people don't know that.

I would say fewer than a handful really.

Was it his friend Marvin who told him that, by any chance?

You know the story too!

I know the story as well, there you go.

That's why they let you host the show, you smart!

And why is, if you've got a vine,

why is wine based on the Latin for vine, when we have a vine,

wine and vine, shouldn't they be, why isn't wine called vine?

When I was taught Latin, we were taught to pronounce the V as a W.

So it would be "weni, widi, wici,"

I came, I saw, I conquered, is what Caesar said, or "Caesar" said, yeah.

Is Kaiser in German from Caesar, then?

Caesar, yes it is. As is Tsar.

See, you learn something every day.

I'm not talking to you any more.

The more you say vine, the less I'm going to say vine.

But the Germans say Wein and spell it with a W.

-Ah.

-So why is it called a Caesar salad, then?

It was invented by someone called Caesar.

I've had a bottle of Caesar salad where it's on the label

and the man who invented it is on the label.

-Points to Alan Davies.

-Yes.

-It was, in fact, a cook called Caesar Cardini.

-Yeah.

Well done, Alan.

-Well.

-Damn, you're doing well. Yeah.

APPLAUSE

Wow, it's interesting that the two people who be on this show

every week are doing the best. All right, there.

Yeah, you've got time to catch up, Reginald, don't you worry.

I just hope for a chance, I want a chance.

There are questions coming your way that will thrill you.

-All right, then.

-So, what do you think these monkeys are called?

They are two different species.

-Is one a Bonobo?

-No.

Bonobos look more like chimpanzees.

-Aren't they the horniest animals on Earth as well?

-Yes.

Anything you put in front of Bonobo, it will shag.

LAUGHTER

Honestly, they are the most sexually, absolutely...

Even Russell Grant?

Bonobos really, actually lions too.

-When lionesses are at it they'll shag up to 50 times a day.

-Really?

It's a ten second business with the lion, but also the lions

shag each other. About 8% of all lion sex is gay. So...

-8% of lion sex is gay?!

-Yeah.

Yeah, OK.

Did you get that like, out of a book of lion facts,

or did you get that from a gay man?

LAUGHTER

I know there are a lot of people who would have us believe that only mankind is gay.

In fact, the latest count, there are about, I believe,

642 species of animal that exhibit homosexual activity.

But there's only one species that exhibits homophobia.

That's mankind.

So who's natural? Huh?

I was hoping you were going to elephants then, I really did.

Come to Mardi Gras, it'll be great.

How did they come up with the figure 8%? That's a lot of research.

-It is.

-I saw the Lion King and I didn't see any stuff going on.

But I did feel the love.

That night. The circle of life has a whole new meaning.

It certainly does!

The red-faced one needed some factor 50 before...

I can tell you they come from completely different parts of the world.

What's the most noticeable thing about the one on the left?

-Its nose!

-Its nose. Its huge nose.

Can you think of another word for nose, a rather technical word?

-Olfactory?

-Proboscis monkey?

-Is the right answer.

That's a proboscis monkey.

The males have the longest noses, often going below their chin,

they're so long, and the females find that very attractive.

There we are. It's an unusual look, I grant you.

It's a flaccid penis, that's what that is.

A human could not get its hair like that without a hairbrush or a comb.

-A lot of product.

-That's remarkable.

-It is very impressive.

-It's a very 1950s kind of a vibe.

-It is. It's quite rockabilly, isn't it?

Yeah.

Well, they're charming animals, and they live mostly in Indonesia

and South East Asia, but what about the red-faced one?

-Where might that come from?

-That one's called a cabeza rojo.

In Spanish, which not a lot of people know here.

-Why did it have a Spanish name?

-Because it's from South America.

Is the right answer! But in fact, the first one, the proboscis monkey...

I'm coming up on a point, Alan.

The first one is called orang belanda. Now "orang" means "man".

An orang utan is "man of the jungle".

But this means, basically,

the big-nosed one is their word for Dutchmen, who were their colonists,

and they thought those monkeys looked like their colonial masters.

And so they called them Dutchmen, basically.

-And this one is even sadder.

-It's so rude.

I know. This one is the uakari monkey, which is South American,

comes from the Peruvian Amazon and is very red-faced and is known by the locals,

unfortunately, as English monkeys,

because they look like tourists from England!

Slightly bald and red-faced.

If you give them a towel,

will they fight Germans for space near the pool?

-Are you people all that hairy when you take your shirts off?

-Oh, definitely.

It's a sweet, charming, very human face.

Yeah, but in a perpetual state of embarrassment.

I thought at first it was its bum,

and yet it weirdly had a bum that looked a bit like a face.

Anyway, that's the uakari monkey,

a rather beautiful creature in its own way.

Unfortunately, when they get to zoos, they're very lethargic

and unhappy, but they're very active and sociable in the wild.

-I get quite lethargic in zoos.

-I know.

A robin red-breast in a cage puts all heaven in a rage,

as William Blake said.

Also, the ice cream is very expensive in zoos, so that's another depressing aspect.

There's that too.

Anyway, why don't ginger ants use soap?

Cos they like to feel it when they get together.

Well, getting together is what it's all about.

Ginger ants, also known as fire ants, live in the jungle.

And in jungles you can get huge downpours that will suddenly cause

gigantic rivers to appear where none were before.

And what's to stop the ants drowning?

What's their strategy to keep themselves afloat?

Find a bar of soap?

No, the soap is the bad thing.

That, they don't want that?

They don't want the soap. Let's say no to soap.

No soap. All right, then.

I assume they'd climb a tree.

If they could, they would, and we're going to see them climb a tree,

but first they have to cross the water, if they're suddenly deluged.

Do they sail on little rafts?

They make a raft of themselves.

No!

They cling together all their little bits, like this,

and they make a raft like that, even carrying their eggs

and their precious cargo.

That's the fish underneath having a nibble at them,

but they are, and there

they're getting towards a tree.

They try and climb that tree,

because then they'll be safe.

But it's a really smart strategy.

There they go, he's got,... the first one's up

and then all the other ones are following.

Isn't that amazing?

-It is amazing.

-And they all survive.

Even the ones on the bottom?

Yeah. What happens is that none of the ants become submerged

because of the plastron layer of air between their bodies and the water,

and that's from "piastroni", Italian for "breastplate",

which is rather pleasing.

A turtle's underbelly is also called the plastron

and so is a man's stiff, formal shirt-front.

So you can actually have...

LAUGHTER

Yeah, that was a relief, wasn't it?

You can actually have half a million fire ants connecting together

in this way and they can assemble themselves in less than 100 seconds.

And they can float for days, even weeks,

and migrate immense distances.

Isn't that interesting?

That's how I came over from Dublin this morning.

But if you put a tiny drop of soap anywhere near it,

the detergent would break the surface tension

and they would drown.

But I've got an interesting experiment,

and I do love, as you know, to do an interesting experiment.

He does love an experiment.

Now, these will represent red ants.

And this is just, I just find this magical.

And it's something you can do at home, ladies and gentlemen,

this is what's fun about it. And...

Will we form an island

and swim across the jar of water?

No. This is red coloured sand

and this is floating on top.

You'll notice wherever I drop it, it tends to start clinging together.

So you've got, here's your little raft of red ants,

there they are, in the water.

And I can put my finger in it, like that,

and my finger will come out completely dry.

Absolutely dry.

-That's bizarre.

-Holy cow!

Yeah, there you are, there you are.

And I've got no sand on my finger at all. And it just, but...

Are you a devil?

Watch this. This will excite you.

I'm going to pour all this in here.

-Blue ants are attacking red ants!

-Goodness!

Yeah, all these blue ants here, it's just horrible.

And look at that, it's all clustered down below.

But this is the magic part.

I get my spoon and I get, all this sand that's underwater now,

and I just pick up a little bit of it, like so.

And it's completely dry.

-No way!

-It's utterly dry.

Witchcraft!

-Sorcery!

-Burn him!

It's completely dry. It is, look.

Witch!

Sand, absolutely dry,

even though there are drops of water next to it.

-Isn't that magical?

-That really is.

-That's just sand and water?

Well, I can tell you.

It's the special nature of the sand. It's been, as it were, coated.

And, without wishing to give away the name of a brand of spray

that you are encouraged when you buy suede shoes to use

to protect your suede shoes,

that might be called something that rhymed with Gotch Scard...

If you wanted to try this experiment at home,

you would get a can of that Gotch Scard

and spray the sand with it and you will

be able to amaze your friends, if, but only if, you're as sad as I am.

But there you are. Hooray!

APPLAUSE

-The fun you can have with things.

-Yes.

It's nice, it's good.

It is. Very fun.

Exactly.

Well, anyway, what goes at 40mph and smells of curry?

Ah, no.

-BIRD SCREECH

-Yea?

Usain Balti.

APPLAUSE

That's very good!

I have to say that's impressive.

I have to give you points for that, it's just too good.

I will give you this clue.

An astonishing number of animals in the wild smell of other things.

And there is an animal that smells of curry.

And there's no reason for it to, because it doesn't live in India, it doesn't eat chillies.

But 40mph is pretty quick.

That's the thing. It's the fastest of its species.

And it's a signature species for a whole nation, a whole continent.

The ostrich goes about 40mph.

It does, but this is not a bird.

-Kangaroo.

-Yes.

It's the western grey kangaroo.

The fastest of all the kangaroos, and amazingly...

It smells of curry?

-AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-"Ah, Jesus, smells of a curry. Smell that, mate."

That's just an Australian who's had a curry the night before,

done a particularly stinky fart,

and then tried to blame it on a passing kangaroo.

"Oh, did you see that kangaroo go by there?

"Jeez, what a stink! It's like a curry!"

Anyway, that's one animal that smells unusual.

You're not going to get this next one

because it's such an unusual animal, but it's rather pleasing to think

the binturong smells like a freshly made batch of popcorn.

It's also called a bearcat,

but it's actually more like a civet than either a bear or a cat,

but apparently it smells of freshly baked popcorn.

Isn't that a lovely thing for an animal to smell of?

Is it slightly overpriced?

And is the medium one almost exactly the same as a large one?

Does it smell like salted or sugar popcorn?

-Ah, now, there's a good question.

-Yeah!

Their birth is apparently fascinating,

because originally they're just in a tiny egg,

and then on a very hot day, suddenly just pop into the air.

I'm going to show you another animal

and it's a common blue butterfly that has been described by

the famous naturalist Geoffrey Grigson as having a particular smell.

-Finger of fudge.

-Yes!

What?!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Unbelievable!

Unglaublich. I mean, I've got to accept that, because the answer is chocolate.

-Wow.

-That is amazing.

How does he do it?

Yeah, you two have developed some bizarre understanding where...

Yeah, how does a man be on this show every week come up with all the answers? I don't know.

He's having a spurt, like an adolescent having a growth spurt.

A brain spurt. It's very impressive. Sorry.

My father.

Taking of Alan having a spurt is not what I'm meant to be doing.

-So chocolate is ground-up butterflies?

-Well, no...

It just so happens that that species,

according to Geoffrey Grigson, smells of chocolate.

Well, there you are. I am staggered by Alan's knowledge.

Now, as long as we're in the jungle, let's have a dubious jungle theory.

'A dubious theory from Stephen Fry.'

Ah, dear.

At least 10% of the Amazonian rainforest was deliberately

created by human activity over a period of 1,500 years

more than 1,000 years ago.

It's an enormous orchard twice the area of Great Britain.

Dubious or not?

Look at the evidence on jungleschmungle.co.uk

and decide for yourself.

'A dubious theory from Stephen Fry.'

This is a genuine theory.

Can you understand the idea that the Amazon, which we think

of as the wildest place on Earth might actually have been, a lot of it...

Is there a large part of it, then,

that bears fruit that we would consume?

Not only that, there is real evidence that a large part,

certainly not the majority, but a large part of it is composed

of soil that is of human origin, called terra preta,

which is "black earth" in Portuguese.

It contains charcoal, bone, manure and pottery

and can only be humanly produced as a soil for growing.

It was created deliberately over 1,500 years,

rich in nutrients that last thousands of years.

BBC Four made a programme about it called Unnatural Histories,

arguing that an advanced civilisation of five to six million people

flourished along the Amazon in the 1540s and then diseases

brought by the Spanish such as smallpox and flu wiped out up to 95%

of the population, and by the 18th century, the rainforest was empty.

They left no buildings and only the soil behind.

Extraordinary thought, isn't it?

-And they left Amazon.co.uk.

-They did give us that, thank goodness.

They say in North America as well,

they always low-ball the amount of Indians who were there,

but after the Spanish came the first time, because they travelled

with their pigs, they had every manner of pig-borne disease,

and when they came back 100 years later, everyone was dead.

There was a quarter of the population that they had then.

I don't think it's strange that that would have happened.

And because they didn't leave buildings,

we don't give them any credit, except that they left

-an enormous forest which makes the planet breathe.

-I know.

And, indeed, developed a type of soil that is still amongst

the most fertile and useful soil there is on earth.

It is remarkable. Not amusing, but true.

Rather like my bottom.

I don't know how that happened.

So you saying true like, your bottom will always be there,

-like it's true, your bottom is true.

-It is a bottom of truth.

All right. That's a bold statement to make about yourself on national TV. Very impressive.

It's the measure of bottoms, it's the first bottom

and other bottoms are compared always to that one.

-That's right.

-That's why it's known as the true bottom.

Or the arse of verity.

-Very fertile.

-Whoa!

-OK. Let's just move away.

-You started it!

I did. I just painted myself into a corner. I don't know how I managed that.

All right. Moving on. Describe the world's most hideous lunch.

There's a pretty rotten fruit you can get in Indonesia that stinks.

-Well, the durian fruit you're thinking of?

-Yes.

-Yes. It's actually delicious, but..

-It smells like rotting flesh.

Yeah. This is actually an animal thing.

It's just one of those cruel tricks of nature, you know,

that certain species find ways of eating other species

that are cunning and cruel.

It's not going to be a burrowing parasite thing?

Well, it's sort of...

In your Jap's eye.

Oh!

Or in your eye, even.

Think of a little, innocent frog.

A frog sees a larva, a little bug of some kind,

it will dart its tongue out.

There you go, there's the big frog and there's the little larva,

and the frog's going to win.

The frog's going to poke its tongue out and it's going to eat.

-It's not that small a larva.

-I agree.

I mean, I still think that's quite an ambitious meal

for that frog to take on.

I agree. One of two things happens.

One is the larva will simply attack the frog

and latch itself with its quite strong horns,

which you might just be able to discern in the picture...

What I would do.

-..onto the back.

-I would do that.

And then just eat it from the inside out.

Yeah, that's exactly what I would do.

Until there's nothing left but a pile of bones.

It would simply eat the whole thing.

Really? One larva?

Yeah. But if it so happens the frog is really quick

and gets the larva into its stomach, it will then an hour later

regurgitate it, and the larvae will still be alive and will then eat.

Holy cow!

So it will be eaten and then eat the thing that ate it,

which is pretty unusual in the world of nature.

So you can have your frog and eat it?

You can, exactly. It's a pretty unpleasant process.

It makes you wonder about all things bright and beautiful.

But we have no footage. Do we have footage?

We have footage, I'm afraid.

Oh, no! Don't eat that larva!

Two hours later.

-Oh!

-"I don't feel so good!"

Oh, having a vomit and out, it's pulling out of its own mouth

the thing that is then going to eat it.

It's just so, and there, oh, it's just being eaten,

it's eating its chin.

It's basically just...

-He was a prince as well!

-I know.

It's really not a nice relationship.

And there they are. Poor frog.

Wait a minute, I didn't see the end, who won?

It looked pretty intense,

but it looked like it could go either way, really, you know what I mean.

We were too tasteful to show you the outcome, it was horrible.

-Too tasteful? That's what's up.

-They shake hands and then they say,

"We've both learned a valuable lesson here."

It's called the Epomis beetle larva.

About 10% of predator/prey relationships are where

a smaller animal can eat a bigger one,

but those are all active attacks.

This is the luring technique.

It actually waves and says, "Eat me! Eat me!"

It actually draws attention to itself

so that the frog approaches it and eats it.

Did you know that 8% of predator/prey relationships are homosexual?

A lot of people don't know that.

But while on the subject of frogs, what's this little frog doing?

What's this chap up to?

Wow! It's practising first position?

No. What's going on in the background?

He's trying to build up his nerve into jumping in that gushing stream.

And he's going, argh, I can do this!

He's facing the other way.

Ah, I can do this.

Is he fishing? Is he catching things in his webbed...?

No.

I was thinking maybe there was a plane load of frogs trying to land.

APPLAUSE

But you know, air traffic controller frog.

What is it about the background?

Running water. Water stream, I mean...

Yeah, and what does that create?

If you've got a waterfall behind you,

how do you communicate with your neighbour?

-How do you shout?

-It's sign language?

-Yes.

-No!

-It's semaphore.

-Really?

-Stop it!

It's the semaphore frog, because it lives by waterfalls and cataracts,

and so little...

(IMITATES FROG)

..won't get heard.

So that's how it communicates.

Basically, it's saying to other males,

"This is my territory, keep away."

Or it's saying to girls, "Here I am."

Unless it's 8%, of course.

It is a wonderful sight.

It's solved the problem of the fact that it can't vocalise,

because it lives in a noisy environment.

There are other ways of attracting mates which are unusual.

CRICKETS CHIRP

Yes?

The internet.

LAUGHTER

If only you'd said what you often call the internet.

-What do you sometimes call the internet?

-The interweb.

-Yes.

-Web, spiders.

Spiders, yes.

Spiders make webs to catch prey so they can eat, survive and thrive.

Yes. But there's a particular breed of spider, they ejaculate into a pad

of webbing and transfer the sperm-laden pad to their "palps",

which are like their antennae,

and then they wave them around to attract the female.

"I've got some sperm here. I've got some sperm for you."

I used to do that, I used to do that to my ex-girlfriend, because...

I mean...

Why am I not surprised by the word "ex" in there?

Yeah, I mean she just wanted to have a baby so bad,

it was just really easy to get her excited like that.

"I've got some sperm."

And she'd come running and I'd be like,

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding."

You're probably each well out of it.

Yeah, she's the better for it.

I mean, in fact, I take pride in believing that I helped her

prepare for the next cat that she...

And think what you're saving on triple ply tissues. There you are.

Wow!

Sorry.

In some weird English way, I feel dealt with.

By the way, the credit for the video tape of that extraordinary frog

waving its hands belongs to the School of Environment

of Life Sciences at the University of Salford.

Thank you, University of Salford.

Anyway, Alan, what I'd like you to do is press your buzzer.

-It's not a trap.

-It's going to be a trap.

Yeah, press your buzzer.

CRICKETS CHIRP

What are those and how do they make that noise?

Now, this could be one of two things.

Right.

There's the one that makes the noise by inflating its thorax,

and the one that makes a noise by rubbing its back legs together...

SIREN BLARES

So I think it was the first one.

There is actually no insect that makes a noise

by rubbing its back legs together.

Ah.

But do you know what the animal was in fact you were listening to?

-Cicada.

-It's a cricket, in fact.

It's been known for thousands of years that crickets

don't chirp by rubbing their legs together.

So where did that come from then?

It's just one of those weird fallacies that people cling to,

and I've clung to fallacies, and it's, it's a...

LAUGHTER

He did say weird phallus, didn't he?

This, this is all, this is...

He said it's a weird phallus that people cling to.

He said that, didn't he?

-He said, he said fallacies.

-Oh.

That means many phalluses.

Yeah, thank you.

Rubbing body... Oh, God, it's getting worse, sorry.

Rubbing body parts to make sound is called stridulation.

And crickets have a large vein along the bottom of each wing,

covered with comb-like teeth.

The chirp comes from the scraping on the top of one wing

over the bottom of the other. Nothing to do with legs at all.

-So it's the wings, not their legs.

-It's the wings, not their legs.

And only male crickets chirp, the females don't.

Four songs, one to attract a female, two to court a nearby female,

three to warn off another male,

and four to celebrate a successful mating session.

Really?

Or, four to say to the female, "Why don't you say something?!"

Yes, quite.

So, basically, it's like they're high-fiving themselves.

-Yes, they are.

-After their...Wooo!

Yes, success!

I would just order pizza.

That's what we tend to do, but they just high-five themselves,

as you say. But this, listen to this,

this is the most extraordinary cricket of all.

It's the snowy tree cricket.

And if you count the times, because they're very susceptible

to temperature, if you count the times they chirp in 14 seconds

and add 40, you will get the temperature in Fahrenheit.

No way, shut up!

Yes way, absolute way.

I know it sounds mad, it's from the 1897 masterpiece by Amos Dolbear,

The Cricket as a Thermometer.

But it is extraordinary, isn't it?

I'd still prefer a thermometer up my bum if I was in hospital than a...

Amazing, isn't it?

Dolbear's Law. Now you know.

Anyway, what lives underwater

and is the loudest animal in the world for its size?

-ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

-Greg Proops?

Oprah.

Good answer, but untrue.

-Is it going to be a blue whale?

-SIRENS BLARE

Oh, Alan, you and your blue, you were doing so well.

No, it's the largest in relation to its size,

the noise it makes is quite astounding.

When I tell you that its size is two millimetres,

and it creates a sound of over 99 decibels,

which is like a freight train passing by.

It's an incredibly loud noise,

and it's a little lake creature, actually.

Do you know those things that seem to walk on water, do you remember what they're called?

Our Lord?

APPLAUSE

You could call this the Jesus insect if you wanted. It's a water boatman.

The water boatman is a beautiful little creature

and it uses the surface tension of the water, there you see,

to walk along the water.

That's a pond skater, of course.

So unlike a blue whale in almost every respect.

It really is. The noise it gives out is like a passing freight train.

We have a theory how they produce it, and we'd like you

to try out our theory.

They use their penises against their tummies.

Penii?

Penii, if you like.

Penises if you wanted to speak in English, but...

But by all means penii, if you like.

They rub their penises on their tummy

and somehow create a noise of 99.2 decibels.

-But that's just a theory though, right?

-Yeah.

Because I put my penis against my belly, it don't make no noise.

If you really whack it though, if you...

(MIMES WHIP NOISE)

Steady, steady.

It depends on if I have to get up in a hurry.

Like, if I got an hour or so...

Imagine that it's a penis, all right.

If you'd pass that to Greg.

You know, imagining is not helping, but all right.

Obviously there's yours, Alan.

No.

APPLAUSE

You can have a normal one.

Now this is quite complicated,

but you should have a little bowl of rosin,

as in the kind of stuff that ballet dancers use

to keep their shoes from sliding on the stage

and string players use for their bows. Ordinary rosin.

Oh, very good. Listen to that noise. Keep doing that.

HIGH-PITCHED TONE

You're rubbing, you're trying to, it gets surprisingly loud,

doesn't it?

HIGH-PITCHED TONE CONTINUES

Oh, God, yes!

I don't seem to be attracting any boatmen or women.

HIGH-PITCHED TONE

I'm not getting 99 decibels.

TONE INCREASES IN VOLUME

There, you see that?

This is still louder, though.

-Is that yours?

-But isn't that surprising?

Wow!

TONE INCREASES IN VOLUME

-Yeah.

-Aaah!

Aaaaaah!

It's like Mars Attacks and our brains will explode.

Solo!

Alan's very good at it, isn't he?

Have you given him a wand? Is that a wand?

APPLAUSE

It's a very interesting thing.

You can pop your little ones down now. Yeah.

It is surprising how...how loud it can be.

No females have approached, Stephen.

I could do it under the table, then no-one knows...

HIGH-PITCHED TONE

Miss, Miss, Alan's doing it again!

TONE INCREASES IN VOLUME

You're very good at it! Alan, you have a natural talent at last.

And he's doing that with his penis.

He put the rod down hours ago.

-It actually is 99 decibels?

-About 90% of it is lost underwater,

but you can still hear it above water, because it's so loud.

-How loud is a blue whale? Come on!

-Oh, it's loud.

-The blue whale is capable of 188 decibels.

-Ah!

-Which is a lot more.

Way more! And its cock is enormous!

But we were talking about proportionality.

If it was able to rub its cock on its belly, it would be DEAFENING!

It can't, you see. That's what nature provides,

because their flippers are too short.

If they could get access to their enormous penis,

they would deafen the oceans.

So, the water boatman makes a big noise

with its mighty, stridulating penis.

Anyway, throughout the show tonight, there's been a species of

striped animal in full view here in the studio.

Let me know when you see it.

There is a striped animal somewhere in the studio in full view.

-Er, are people stripey?

-Yes!

-Really?

All human beings have stripes, very regular stripes, on their skin.

They were discovered in 1901 by a dermatologist,

and they're called Blashcko lines.

He studied 140 patients who had a particular kind of skin disease,

and he drew up the map that followed the exact lines.

They just don't show unless you have that particular condition.

-It's almost like camouflage if we lived in pasta.

-Yes!

It would be. Maybe that's how it evolved.

But in cases of animals that are obviously striped like zebras...

-Tigers!

-And tigers. Zebras, for example...

-Want a point for that?

-Oh, yeah.

-Is a zebra white with black stripes or black with white stripes?

-Yes.

-Which?

-It's black with... What do you think, Greg?

Thank you, Alan.

One, they smell like chocolate, so I'd say chocolate.

I would say they are black with white lines,

that's what I would say.

-No, they're white with black stripes.

-Well, you would say that, wouldn't you, white man!

APPLAUSE

-But they have black noses.

-They do have black noses.

-That's ridiculous.

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I'm not playing any more.

-I'm furious.

-It was discovered...

Ooooh!

Now, we don't throw our toys out of the pram.

Humans are not only striped, incidentally,

we are also bioluminescent.

We give off light, and this, again, was a recent discovery,

a Japanese discovery. In 2009 they photographed

the faint glow of human bioluminescence for the first time.

It's 1,000 times weaker than our eyes can detect, unfortunately.

But it is there. We do give off a small amount of light.

It's a shame he's got his pants on, cos I'd like to see how luminous your cock is!

You must get yourself a job in one of those body scanning units at Heathrow,

and you would have the most amusing time

looking at people's willies as they walk through.

The green bit is a mystery.

I don't know whether that is the photograph

and the sensitivity of the camera is such that...

That's bio-Hulk-inescence.

That's the Credible Hulk, who was slightly different...

I like the Credible Hulk. He's a Hulk, but I believe him.

He goes a little bit green and slightly peeved.

I would watch the Credible Hulk. There you are.

Anyway, it's time for the final scores.

I'm sorry to say, that in last place with minus 10 is Alan Davies.

APPLAUSE

How did I get minus 10?

And just behind, with minus eight, is Greg Proops.

APPLAUSE

Then, with minus six, is David O'Doherty.

APPLAUSE

With one plus point, Reginald D Hunter.

APPLAUSE

Well done.

Well, that's all from David, Reginald, Greg, Alan and me.

Remember, snakes are more afraid of you than you are of them.

Unfortunately, this is not true of mosquitoes,

spiders, bears or tigers.

But don't have nightmares. Good night.