Jumpers QI XL


Jumpers

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This programme contains some strong language.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Well...

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goo-oo-oo-ood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,

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good evening, good evening,

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and to some extent, good evening, and welcome to QI,

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where tonight, the joint is jumping!

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Lots of hoops to get through, so let's meet our jumpers.

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A classy thoroughbred, Julian Clary.

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APPLAUSE

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Fit as a flea, Ross Noble.

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APPLAUSE

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The human pogo stick, Bill Bailey.

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APPLAUSE

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And a nice, warm, woolly top, Alan Davies.

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Very kind.

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APPLAUSE

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There we are.

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So, they've all got buzzers, and Julian goes...

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MUSIC: "Jump Around" by House of Pain

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-I'm not happy.

-LAUGHTER

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Something to do with jumping in there, I believe, in the pop music sphere.

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Ross goes...

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MUSIC: "Jump (For My Love)" by the Pointer Sisters

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Good overbite.

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That also had "jump". Bill goes...

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MUSIC: "Jump" by Van Halen

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I've no idea what that means.

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That was a Van Halen!

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Alan goes...

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MUSIC: "Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport" by Rolf Harris

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LAUGHTER

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Aw. A little jumpy thing, too.

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So, it's "jumpers".

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First tonight, I'd like you all to give me your impression of some Mexican jumping beans.

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MEXICAN VOICE: "Hello there, we are jumping beans." LAUGHTER

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"We like to do the jumping, we cannot help ourselves."

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"Higher!"

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# La cucaracha, la cucaracha. #

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I have to say, there is...

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They're not jumping.

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-..a slight embarrassment here.

-What's happened?

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We ordered the Mexican jumping beans over the internet,

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and they arrived in fully jumping form...

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but they have since died.

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LAUGHTER

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I think you've been had. This is a hazelnut.

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Yeah.

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It looks like... I know it looks like a hazelnut.

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Here they are.

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They're more like "Mexican fidgeting beans."

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LAUGHTER

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Yeah.

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-Can I just say that, in a wildlife documentary, that's a pretty poor excuse, isn't it?

-Yeah, it is.

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"We had some snakes earlier, but when they came in the post..."

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LAUGHTER

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-"DHL tried to wedge them through the..."

-I know. It's deeply shaming.

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-How were they mistreated, then? What's happened?

-Well...

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Because Springwatch will hear of this!

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-I know.

-LAUGHTER

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Can we revive them with some powdered Doritos? LAUGHTER

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Play some Mexican music and they'll be up and running again.

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STEPHEN HUMS LA CUCARACHA

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-I've cracked one open, there's something in it.

-There is.

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-A tiny battery.

-Yes.

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LAUGHTER There's a creature.

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There IS a creature in there, there's a larva.

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-A larva which has now sadly died...

-They've hatched. They've become...

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Is it a flea of some kind? Is it a Coleoptera? Is it from the Coleopteras?

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You're wanting to say "beetle", aren't you?

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-I want to say "beetle". I said "Coleoptera".

-Which is even...

-To try and do my best.

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..a really smart way of saying "beetle".

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Yeah, because this is that sort of programme, isn't it? It's not BBC Breakfast,

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where they have pinheads who wouldn't know a...

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I want you to say not "Coleoptera", but "Lepidoptera".

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Oh! You mean butterflies?

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-Well...moths.

-Moths?

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-Yes. They're the larva of a moth.

-Ah, right.

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And to be fair, they are seeds, not beans.

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Up to 20 million of them are exported from Mexico, every year,

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around the world, as a novelty...

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For comedy purposes.

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Yeah, for comedy purposes.

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Anyway, the "Mexican jumping bean" isn't really a bean,

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but it does jump and it does come from Mexico.

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-From the Sonoran Desert, in fact.

-Oh, right.

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In Sonora, we're going to stay.

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What's unusual about Bailey's pocket mouse?

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LAUGHTER

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Wait a minute!

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Obviously, Bailey's pocket mouse doesn't look like that.

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No.

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If you take away the handsome features, that's it - Bailey's pocket mouse.

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Is it some sort of desert mouse that doesn't drink, or something?

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Well, you're almost right. You're very close.

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Oh, it does drink, but only Bailey's.

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LAUGHTER

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That's right.

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It shins up the bottle, like that.

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And it brings its own miniature parasol.

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There is a particular oil-bearing plant in Mexico...

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Jojoba.

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Yes!

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APPLAUSE

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And it was thought for many years that the Bailey's mouse

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was the only one that could tolerate eating it,

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because it is, basically, disgusting to all other animals.

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So they can survive on shampoo?

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Well, that's the point, yeah. It has then become a useful oil.

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Since whaling stopped, it has some of the same properties as whale oil.

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A lot easier to apprehend.

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Yeah, than a whale, exactly. You just get hold of a jojoba plant

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and it gives off this oil.

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But very few animals eat it. And very few animals are tolerant of it,

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because it is a disgusting oil.

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But not if you're a Bailey's mouse, it's not.

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Exactly. And it was thought to be the only animal that could eat it,

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and, in fact, three others have since been discovered

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that are also capable of surviving on jojoba.

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Pete Burns.

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LAUGHTER

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Pete Burns is one. Shaun Ryder is another.

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Yes.

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-Bez.

-And Bez, yes. That's your three go-to jojoba guys.

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As an oil, it's a laxative, and so some people use it as a frying oil,

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except that when you fry things in it,

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it just runs through you.

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So it's just a good way of keeping on a diet.

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But mostly Jojoba is used for?

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-Shampoo.

-Your skin.

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Your skin, shampoo, cosmetics and things.

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Yes.

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-Who was it who made jojoba famous?

-Billy Connolly.

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Billy Connolly, exactly, did a famous routine about...

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-BILLY CONNOLLY VOICE:

-"Jojoba. What's that? What the fuck's that, jojoba? Jojoba?!"

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LAUGHTER

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He has a way of repeating words, Billy Connolly,

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that I remember many years ago,

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when, for the first time, he was elected President of Israel,

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-and I got this phone call...

-Billy Connolly was?!

-No.

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LAUGHTER

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I may have...

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BILLY CONNOLLY VOICE: "Mate, I'll tell you what. Israel, it's a lovely place."

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I may have phrased this the wrong way, but this particular person had been,

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and the phone rang and it was Billy Connolly. He didn't introduce himself, he just went,

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"Benjamin Netanyahu?!"

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LAUGHTER

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And I said, "What?" He said, "Benjamin Netanyahu?!"

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And I said, "Sorry, who is this?" He went, "Benjamin Netanyahu?!

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"What's that about? For fuck's sake, Benjamin Netanyahu?!"

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And then he put the phone down.

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LAUGHTER

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It was Billy Connolly riffing on the name "Benjamin Netanyahu."

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Yeah, and he would have done the same with "jojoba."

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-"Jojoba."

-"Jojoba."

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-"The month before November," that was the joke, wasn't it?

-Exactly.

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Sometimes Paul O'Grady phones me up and just goes...

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-PAUL O'GRADY VOICE:

-"Ooh, ah, ah, fucking shite..."

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LAUGHTER

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Then hangs up.

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"What's that, get that, no, stop it. No, don't."

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-He doesn't say, "No, don't."

-Doesn't he?

-No, that's Frankie Howerd.

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Oh, damn!

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LAUGHTER

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So easily confused.

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That was your jojoba.

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Now, who put jolly jumpers on their skyscrapers?

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Is it Cockney rhyming slang? "Jumpers on your skyscrapers."

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Doesn't rhyme with anything, how could it be? LAUGHTER

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It makes no sense at all. Cockney not-rhyming slang.

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COCKNEY VOICE: "I'll put a jumper on the skyscraper." "What's a skyscraper?"

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It rhymes with "rapers," that's all I can...

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Oh, stop it. Stop it right now. No.

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They swoop out of the sky and have you.

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-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-"A horrible bunch of skyscrapers."

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Go back in time, go back in time, before tall buildings.

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-What was a skyscraper before there were such things?

-A tree?

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-No.

-LAUGHTER

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-A hut.

-Was it an erection?

-LAUGHTER

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No. No, it wasn't that.

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Some sort of plane or aviation device? Was it an aviation device?

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Look at the picture, and think...

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-A sail, a mast...!

-Oh!

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Yes. The top one was called the skyscraper,

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but above it, there would be another one,

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which was called the jolly jumper.

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And the jolly jumper was the highest sail on a boat.

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So, it would be a sailor who would put a jolly jumper on a skyscraper.

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Ah!

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-Isn't that pleasing?

-That is quite...

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Yeah. I'm glad you're interested.

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Crow's nest - vest!

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LAUGHTER

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Spinnaker... Spinnaker...

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Football commentator!

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LAUGHTER

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So, but, anyway, talking on skyscrapers and jumping -

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and jumping is of course our theme -

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there's a famous kind of jumping that originated in Polynesia.

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-Bungee?

-Bungee?

-Bungee jumping - how did that begin?

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-It was the tribesmen with the twines, tying themselves up.

-Yes.

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-They used vines.

-Yeah. Vines, twines... Yeah.

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-Rhyming slang, wasn't it?

-Vine, twine...

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-Swine, bine... Yeah.

-No, no, vines. So, they tie it round, and then they jump,

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-but they didn't sort of go like that.

-They'd tie it round their ankle.

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-It would go into the mud, their head, right into the mud.

-Exactly.

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And we have film of precisely that. Here you are - it's pretty scary.

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Whoa!

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-That's...

-What an idiot! Ha-ha-ha!

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LAUGHTER

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Look at them, laughing their heads off!

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That's the Pentecost Islands, in the South Seas,

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where it was first observed.

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And do you know who brought it to the world's attention?

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-Butlins.

-Er, no.

-LAUGHTER

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It was David Attenborough, 50 years ago,

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did a documentary in which he showed this,

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and then Oxford Dangerous Sports Society started doing it

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-off Clifton Suspension Bridge...

-Yes.

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But the first official bungee jumping

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-was done by AJ Hackett in New Zealand.

-New Zealand, Queenstown.

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Near Queenstown. There's the bridge.

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And you're about to see a superhero -

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a man of astounding courage and bravery -

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do a bungee jump off the original AJ Hackett bridge.

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There he is. Can you see him there? He's fat,

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he's... It's... It's me!

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-ALL: Whoa!

-Ooh, ow!

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There I am. That was me bungee jumping,

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just last... Earlier this year, in fact.

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-Goodness me!

-And do you know, the weird thing is,

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I am the biggest coward in the world. The moment... The moment

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I was picked up by the relief boat,

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I said, "I want to do it again!"

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The adrenalin surge is so enormous,

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it is the biggest fun I've ever had.

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Does it... Does it pull at your ankles?!

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The major problem usually is detached retinas, actually.

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-Yes.

-People get pop-eyed.

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What about when we went scuba-diving and your mask was too tight?

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Oh! No, no, no.

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-His eyes nearly came out of his head!

-Oh!

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LAUGHTER

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Inside the mask, these massive eyes!

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We're all going, "Look at Bill!

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"Check he's all right!" When we found out he was all right,

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I laughed... I laughed my head off!

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-No, wait...

-The thing is...

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Wait, wait, wait, wait! Rewind!

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Can we just go back to the bit where you said,

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when you checked we were all right, you laughed your...

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You were laughing from the minute my face came out of the water.

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LAUGHTER

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There was blood pouring out of my eyes,

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-and every...

-You had no idea at all!

-I had no idea.

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I was going, "What?" And people were going, "Oh, my...!"

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-"Aaagh!"

-"Oh, my God!"

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I went, "What? What?" Like Carrie or something,

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-with blood streaming from my eyes.

-These huge great eyeballs -

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-it took quite a long time for them to recede as well.

-Yes, it did.

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And a lot of laughing was going on.

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I thought you had some sort of magnifying mask on,

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-but when you took the mask off, they were still enormous!

-Enormous.

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-Oh!

-Anyway, there's an even more extreme form of jumping,

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which is bungee in the dark,

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-where you can't tell how far you've fallen.

-Bungee in the dark?

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< That's a cocktail!

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Bungee In The Dark, please!

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You have no idea how far you're going to fall!

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What are bungee ropes usually made of?

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-Elastic.

-Erm, latex, yeah.

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-Oh, I've got a suit in latex!

-Have you?

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Just had it made.

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I would like a photograph sent to me of that, please.

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-LAUGHTER

-In 2008, one Carl Dionisio

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used one made from 18,500 whats

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-joined together?

-Socks.

-Also latex...

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-Elastic bands?

-Tights?

-Condoms?

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Condoms is the right answer.

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That's the greatest condom bungee of all time.

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If they all inflated, it would be like the scene from Up

0:13:470:13:50

-when the house turns...

-LAUGHTER

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-It would indeed.

-And was there just loads of really tired women?

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-Just... Just in his garden?

-Yes!

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Anyway, so jumping off a bridge turns out to be as easy

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as falling off a log. Now, how could these weights

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give you an extra 6.5 inches?

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Hang 'em from your cock.

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ALARM

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APPLAUSE

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Oh, dear.

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-Wow.

-Is it to do with stretching out your spine?

-No.

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-There's some sort of inscription on here.

-Yes - in what language?

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Sort of...San... Greek, I'd say.

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-If we put...

-Greek is the right answer.

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Ah, right. This is the new Greek currency.

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Er... LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Hang on a second, I'll just get Wilma.

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Erm...

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You had it the wrong way up!

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- I got no signal, nothing! - Just do it that way.

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No, the other way up - that's it.

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The mad thing is, if Bill and I were to put these two things together,

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we would unleash the apocalypse.

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-So, you're not allowed to, yeah.

-Keep them away.

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They're called halteres, they're Greek,

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and they gave you an extra 6.5 inches advantage

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-at a sporting event.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

0:15:200:15:23

Punting with rocks.

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Is it that if you're hurling them with the other hand,

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-and that weight gives you more of a spin?

-That's a thought.

0:15:290:15:31

It's certainly an event in which you are judged

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by the greatest distance you have covered.

0:15:350:15:39

-Well, the long jump is...

-Long jumping.

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You use these. At first, when people found them,

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they thought they might be used as a handicap system

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for people who were better at long jumping, to hold them back.

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But actually, you wind it up, you wind it up and wind it up

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and then you jump, and it gives you an extra 6.5 inches advantage.

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And also, you look like that.

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You can see them depicted there, a pair of them hanging on the plate.

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Is there some sort of checking system in the Olympics

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to check that people aren't, you know,

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-giving themselves an advantage?

-Well, nowadays,

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you would not be allowed to do that, to use these.

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Metal implants in their knuckles.

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LAUGHTER You get nipples, and then, you know,

0:16:210:16:24

the piercings - big magnet at the other end...

0:16:240:16:27

Urrrgh!

0:16:270:16:30

You go knockers-first across the line.

0:16:300:16:33

So, the hammer, then? I don't understand...

0:16:330:16:38

That's Celtic. Putting the shot was Celtic, but the original Greek ones

0:16:380:16:42

were the discus, the javelin and standing long jumps.

0:16:420:16:46

Standing long jumps existed until 1912 in the Olympics.

0:16:460:16:50

You didn't run up, you just went, yagh!

0:16:500:16:53

And the record, bizarrely,

0:16:530:16:56

it is pure coincidence, but the record for the standing long jump

0:16:560:17:00

is 12ft, two inches.

0:17:000:17:02

-No way.

-And it so happens...

-What?

0:17:020:17:04

..that the distance between there and there

0:17:040:17:08

is exactly 12ft, two inches.

0:17:080:17:10

And I'm going to do it for you now!

0:17:100:17:12

LAUGHTER

0:17:120:17:13

The world record standing long jump is exactly that distance.

0:17:130:17:17

Was it set by that man with the flat cap and the cigarette on the right?

0:17:170:17:21

He was furious that this bloke was doing it

0:17:210:17:24

because the other bloke copyrighted the idea.

0:17:240:17:26

Yeah, exactly!

0:17:260:17:28

Have you heard of Fierljeppen?

0:17:280:17:30

Leppen. It sounds Scandinavian.

0:17:300:17:32

It exists in East Anglia and Frisia,

0:17:320:17:35

mostly in Holland, though.

0:17:350:17:37

Oh, jumping, jumping the...

0:17:370:17:39

- Jumping the canals. - ..the dykes.

0:17:390:17:41

Jumping between the dykes using a pole. It's a big sport.

0:17:410:17:44

We do it in Norfolk, where I come from.

0:17:440:17:46

You know they've got bridges now?

0:17:460:17:49

It's so much less fun.

0:17:490:17:51

And you can actually see some...

0:17:510:17:52

LAUGHTER

0:17:520:17:54

Mock ye not.

0:17:540:17:55

Watch some film of some splendid Fierljeppen performers

0:17:550:17:59

and you will be impressed.

0:17:590:18:01

Here you are. Big run.

0:18:010:18:03

Whoa! And...

0:18:030:18:05

Yes! And didn't even fall over.

0:18:050:18:09

Oh, look at that.

0:18:090:18:10

Less fortunate.

0:18:100:18:12

Just to prove it's not as easy as you think.

0:18:140:18:16

And...oh...

0:18:160:18:18

There you are. Fierljeppen.

0:18:200:18:22

Oh... That's a good one.

0:18:220:18:24

Yeah. You could watch that forever, couldn't you?

0:18:240:18:28

They should do that instead of straightforward pole dancing,

0:18:280:18:31

they should just have a loose brass pole,

0:18:310:18:34

then a woman in her pants runs out.

0:18:340:18:36

"Wahey!" And then it's less sexual, you know,

0:18:360:18:41

you can watch her arcing.

0:18:410:18:42

- I think it is sexual, mate.

0:18:420:18:44

You're in desperate, desperate need of help, Ross.

0:18:440:18:49

Now, you have some jump leads and some of old foam.

0:18:490:18:54

Show me how to telephone a catfish.

0:18:540:18:56

-Oh.

-Jump leads and bits of foam.

-All right.

0:18:560:19:00

I want you to show me...

0:19:000:19:02

-Is that actually your phone?

-Oh, yeah...

0:19:020:19:05

LAUGHTER

0:19:050:19:06

Using... Using these implements,

0:19:060:19:10

how you would telephone...

0:19:100:19:13

Oh, we thought you said foam.

0:19:130:19:15

We were looking for a sponge!

0:19:150:19:18

LAUGHTER

0:19:180:19:19

-JULIAN:

-What have we got to do?

0:19:190:19:21

Using these items, you should be able to telephone a catfish.

0:19:210:19:25

This is like Blue Peter, isn't it?

0:19:250:19:27

Yes, isn't it?

0:19:270:19:28

LAUGHTER

0:19:280:19:29

Catfish!

0:19:290:19:31

LAUGHTER

0:19:310:19:32

-What you have to do...

-Argh!

0:19:320:19:34

..telephone...catfish.

0:19:340:19:38

Hello, 118 118?

0:19:380:19:41

Can I have the number of a catfish, please?

0:19:410:19:44

Thank you.

0:19:440:19:46

You're in America, catfish - there, you can see one behind you -

0:19:460:19:50

a highly popular dish all over the southern states,

0:19:500:19:53

Louisiana and places like that,

0:19:530:19:54

there's a way of catching catfish using a telephone.

0:19:540:20:00

-OK, I'm just going to chuck something out here.

-Throw it at me.

0:20:000:20:03

I'll tell you what the thing is.

0:20:030:20:06

-There's a small electric current...

-Ah!

0:20:060:20:08

-..that passes through a phone line...

-Yeah.

0:20:080:20:10

..so you isolate...

0:20:100:20:12

It passes here, here, here and here.

0:20:120:20:14

LAUGHTER

0:20:140:20:16

Yes, the current passes here, here, here and here.

0:20:160:20:19

Point A, B... Listen carefully, we'll say this only once.

0:20:190:20:22

Then you place the...er... These are called

0:20:220:20:25

the, um, powerful bulldog, um, clips -

0:20:250:20:28

upon the two terminals here and here.

0:20:280:20:32

Thus electrocuting... Aaaaagh!

0:20:320:20:35

I think you've connected the same wire to itself.

0:20:350:20:39

Yes, yes, there are a few teething problems, obviously.

0:20:390:20:41

So there we are, there we have a current.

0:20:430:20:45

There's a copper bit there, that must be doing something.

0:20:450:20:48

-Now you place these in the water, near the catfish.

-Yes.

0:20:480:20:51

Then you dial - I don't know - 1 800 Catfish...

0:20:510:20:55

LAUGHTER

0:20:550:20:58

And it causes a small current to pass through the water,

0:20:580:21:01

-stunning the catfish, which floats to the surface.

-You're absolutely right.

0:21:010:21:04

It was in the early days of telephones actually, to be honest,

0:21:040:21:07

when they used these magnetos,

0:21:070:21:09

it was the old dialaphone thing,

0:21:090:21:11

and you would take that from your phone, the old wind-up phone,

0:21:110:21:14

and you'd crank the handle,

0:21:140:21:16

the fish would be stunned by the electrical current

0:21:160:21:19

and you would simply scoop them up and take them home.

0:21:190:21:22

So it's not specific to catfish?

0:21:220:21:23

Well, it was used for catfish

0:21:230:21:25

and it was so successful that it became essentially illegal

0:21:250:21:30

because it over-fished the catfish population.

0:21:300:21:33

I've seen someone doing that in Thailand with a car battery

0:21:330:21:35

-slung over his shoulder on a strap.

-I know, they do it.

0:21:350:21:37

And a pole, and just wading up to his knees and zapping fish.

0:21:370:21:42

And as you'll know, Bill,

0:21:420:21:44

-in Indonesia, they use cyanide and dynamite to fish.

-On the tourists!

0:21:440:21:47

Yeah. LAUGHTER

0:21:470:21:50

In Georgia in 1955

0:21:500:21:52

you could get 30 days on a chain gang for telephoning a fish.

0:21:520:21:56

It was called, literally, telephoning the fish.

0:21:560:21:59

There's an academic study called,

0:21:590:22:01

Telephoning Fish: An Examination Of The Creative Deviance

0:22:010:22:05

Used By Wildlife Violators In The United States.

0:22:050:22:09

-Cor!

-It was that big of a problem.

0:22:090:22:10

You could probably smash a rabbit's head in with that as well.

0:22:100:22:14

BILL: There's a lot of wildlife could meet a terrible end from this stuff.

0:22:140:22:18

You know, round a panther...

0:22:180:22:22

LAUGHTER

0:22:220:22:24

There was another thing they used to do which was a way of poaching deer.

0:22:240:22:27

In the evenings the deer would mingle with cattle.

0:22:270:22:31

-Socially?

-Socially, yeah.

0:22:310:22:33

And you could crawl up behind a cow, with a pistol,

0:22:330:22:36

and you'd shoot the deer.

0:22:360:22:38

But the problem is,

0:22:380:22:40

you're in the middle of a field and you're miles from home,

0:22:400:22:43

so what you would then do is you would get an air pump,

0:22:430:22:46

and you would place it up the rectum of the deer,

0:22:460:22:49

and you would pump it full of air

0:22:490:22:52

and you'd put it on the river

0:22:520:22:53

and it would float downstream to your partner,

0:22:530:22:56

who would then place it on the boat.

0:22:560:22:58

It was a way of transporting poached deer,

0:22:580:23:00

-by pumping them up.

-By pumping them with air.

0:23:000:23:03

-Up the jacksy.

-I thought they were standing behind the cow

0:23:030:23:06

to shoot the deer so the other deer would think the cow did it.

0:23:060:23:09

LAUGHTER

0:23:090:23:12

But actually it goes further back than that.

0:23:120:23:15

Native Americans used walnuts and buckeye leaves

0:23:150:23:19

to grind and drop in the water

0:23:190:23:20

which would instantly de-oxygenate the water downstream

0:23:200:23:24

and the fish would come straight to the surface.

0:23:240:23:26

-Cunning.

-Which is very, very clever.

0:23:260:23:28

There are ways of catching fish

0:23:280:23:30

that are sort of unfair.

0:23:300:23:32

It's very easy. I've caught mackerel with nothing that resembles

0:23:320:23:36

-a lure of fish.

-A simple shopping trolley.

0:23:360:23:40

Just by... They're so stupid, they really are,

0:23:400:23:45

that anything - you could just lower a piece of paper

0:23:450:23:48

with "hook" written on it!

0:23:480:23:49

LAUGHTER

0:23:490:23:52

Poor mackerel!

0:23:540:23:55

"Go on, swim to the shore and fling yourself onto the beach." "OK!"

0:23:550:23:58

So it's time to put away our telephones and our objects, if we can.

0:23:580:24:02

All right, OK, so much for telephoning fish,

0:24:020:24:06

how about jumping camels?

0:24:060:24:08

-What?

-Jumping camels?

0:24:080:24:10

-Jumping camels?

-Yeah.

0:24:100:24:12

What, do you mean without any kind of a chit-chat before, just...?

0:24:120:24:16

"Jump the beast."

0:24:190:24:21

-Just straight in.

-In the Yemen.

-In the desert as well.

-In the Yemen.

0:24:210:24:24

I don't believe a camel can jump. I don't think it can lift itself.

0:24:240:24:27

It's not the camels jumping.

0:24:270:24:28

-Do you jump from one camel to another?

-It's more than that.

0:24:280:24:31

-Think Eddie Kidd.

-Oh, jumping over, right.

-Yeah.

0:24:310:24:34

Stunt bikes.

0:24:340:24:36

-Stunt, not bike, though.

-Oh.

0:24:360:24:38

-Just simply by your own human power, leaping over camels.

-What?!

0:24:380:24:43

The record is six.

0:24:430:24:45

One human being can run up and leap over six dromedaries.

0:24:450:24:51

-With a trampoline or something?

-No, there's a small amount of dirt

0:24:510:24:54

laid up as a kind of jumping-off point, but no trampoline.

0:24:540:24:57

No bicycle pump involved?

0:24:570:24:59

LAUGHTER

0:24:590:25:00

No bicycle pump.

0:25:000:25:02

Yemen has some of the world's severest water shortages.

0:25:020:25:06

It's got a 50th of the average of the world's water supply.

0:25:060:25:09

Despite the fact that they have so little water,

0:25:090:25:13

40% of the water they have

0:25:130:25:15

-is spent on cultivating what?

-Golf courses.

0:25:150:25:18

No, they don't have that in Yemen, no.

0:25:180:25:21

Something that they're addicted to.

0:25:210:25:24

-Coffee? Tea?

-Something they chew.

0:25:240:25:26

-Oh, khat?

-Chewing gum!

0:25:260:25:28

Khat! Khat is the right answer.

0:25:280:25:30

-Khat, there it is, khat.

-They chew cats?

0:25:300:25:33

-You can see it behind you.

-Not cats.

0:25:330:25:36

Khat. Khat is a herb, it's a slight stimulant.

0:25:360:25:38

It's not like cocaine or speed or anything like that.

0:25:380:25:42

-No.

-It's not like an amphetamine, it's more like an espresso.

0:25:420:25:46

-Well...

-It gives you a kind of buzz.

-Yeah, it's like an Aero.

0:25:460:25:49

-Or...

-LAUGHTER

0:25:490:25:52

It's about a third of the economic activity of the Yemen...

0:25:540:25:57

-No wonder they're doing so well.

-..goes into khat.

0:25:570:26:00

Do they have khat houses in London

0:26:000:26:03

where people actually go around and chew it?

0:26:030:26:05

Yemeni blokes just sit around...

0:26:050:26:07

for days on end.

0:26:070:26:08

All the men get huge pouchy cheeks

0:26:080:26:11

because they fill with so much...

0:26:110:26:14

Well, I know where I'm going for my holidays!

0:26:140:26:16

LAUGHTER

0:26:160:26:18

All right, OK.

0:26:210:26:23

So...

0:26:250:26:26

while we're there...

0:26:260:26:27

what did the environmentalist say to the camel?

0:26:270:26:30

"Stop farting." Is it that they produce a lot of methane?

0:26:300:26:34

Yes, they do. Where in particular?

0:26:340:26:36

ROSS: Out of their arse?

0:26:360:26:38

-Why did I ask?

-Just a guess.

0:26:380:26:42

APPLAUSE

0:26:420:26:44

-But no, there is a particular place where camels are...

-Known for it.

0:26:440:26:49

-..extremely numerous.

-Egypt.

-Yes, but this is a place where...

0:26:490:26:53

Australia, is it Australia?

0:26:530:26:54

-Australia.

-They've got more wild camels in Australia

0:26:540:26:57

than anywhere else on the planet.

0:26:570:26:58

Exactly, they have the highest number of feral camels.

0:26:580:27:01

In fact, they have 1.2 million of them.

0:27:010:27:03

-They're like rats, they're vermin.

-Yeah.

0:27:030:27:05

-They get in your house, it's a nightmare.

-And you can see...

0:27:050:27:08

Only that sign could be Australia, couldn't it? Look at it.

0:27:080:27:11

Camel, wombat, kangaroo.

0:27:110:27:13

But the fact is, they export them to Arabia,

0:27:130:27:16

-for meat and for racing.

-That's right.

0:27:160:27:18

Because they're a finer, a finer sort of species of camel.

0:27:180:27:22

They were brought over originally as a pack animal to Australia.

0:27:220:27:25

They seemed very natural because Australia is a dry country

0:27:250:27:28

and camels survive well, obviously, in dry climates.

0:27:280:27:31

People thought, "perfect". But of course, they bred and bred and bred

0:27:310:27:35

and suddenly you've got these 1.2 million camels.

0:27:350:27:38

And they do an enormous amount of anal wind expulsion.

0:27:380:27:43

They were on at Download, actually.

0:27:430:27:45

45...

0:27:470:27:48

-It's actually...

-They supported Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark!

0:27:490:27:54

-To be fair to them, it's not so much anal as oral.

-Oh, yeah.

0:27:540:27:57

It's 45 kilograms of methane a year.

0:27:570:27:59

God, you wouldn't want to stick one of them in a river!

0:27:590:28:02

It'd be like a speed boat, wouldn't it?

0:28:020:28:05

"I've shot a camel." Vrrrrroooom!

0:28:050:28:07

It's the equivalent of a metric tonne of CO2,

0:28:070:28:11

in its impact on global warming.

0:28:110:28:13

It's quite extraordinary. It's a sixth the amount of the average car.

0:28:130:28:16

So, now there's a company called Northwest Carbon,

0:28:160:28:21

which has set up a thing where you offset your carbon footprint,

0:28:210:28:25

if you're an Australian car driver,

0:28:250:28:27

by paying this company to go and shoot camels.

0:28:270:28:29

Which is...

0:28:310:28:33

basically a bit unfair,

0:28:330:28:34

because, let's face it,

0:28:340:28:36

Europeans with cars are as unnatural to Australia as camels are,

0:28:360:28:41

and it seems a bit unfair.

0:28:410:28:43

-Why shouldn't the camels shoot the humans?

-Yes.

0:28:430:28:46

Here's a thing, though.

0:28:460:28:47

While we're talking about all this whole business of ecology,

0:28:470:28:51

Sainsbury's, the supermarket chain, very useful supermarket chain.

0:28:510:28:55

The great thing about Sainsbury's, it keeps the scum out of Waitrose.

0:28:550:28:59

APPLAUSE

0:29:000:29:03

-All right, here's an initiative announced by Sainsbury's.

-Go on.

0:29:050:29:09

By reducing the diameter of the tube of a loo roll

0:29:090:29:13

from 123mm to 112mm,

0:29:130:29:18

right, just 11mm reduction,

0:29:180:29:21

they will be able to fit more rolls into the same lorry.

0:29:210:29:26

Given the scale of the loo roll market -

0:29:260:29:29

we use 45 to 50 rolls a year each!

0:29:290:29:32

And that's including you.

0:29:340:29:36

I do that of a weekend.

0:29:360:29:38

Yes, all right.

0:29:380:29:39

This will mean 500 fewer lorry trips a year,

0:29:390:29:45

just by doing that,

0:29:450:29:47

by reducing the centre tube by 11mm.

0:29:470:29:51

-Wow.

-This is the principal difference between men and women, in my view.

0:29:510:29:55

The amount of loo roll that women use is unbelievable.

0:29:550:29:59

I mean, a roll can go in one visit.

0:30:000:30:02

-Really?

-To be fair, though...

0:30:020:30:04

Just wrapping it round.

0:30:040:30:06

What's that?

0:30:060:30:07

At least women don't pee all over the floor.

0:30:100:30:14

You know that's not true.

0:30:140:30:17

APPLAUSE

0:30:170:30:19

Ah, a lot of women clapping there.

0:30:190:30:21

Obviously, they do use more loo roll

0:30:210:30:23

but it's a lot harder for them to shake than it is for us,

0:30:230:30:26

do you know what I mean?

0:30:260:30:27

Cheeky flick, everything's fine.

0:30:270:30:30

For a woman to do that, she's got to get on a swing.

0:30:300:30:32

Or one of those power plates, you know, the ones that go...

0:30:350:30:38

Right.

0:30:390:30:40

Just, go like this.

0:30:400:30:42

One of those.

0:30:420:30:43

You wouldn't need a power plate. All you need is a vibrating loo.

0:30:430:30:47

Oh, that's it, there you go.

0:30:470:30:49

You sit on it, you have a wee, press a button...

0:30:490:30:51

Trouble with that is, they'd never get off it.

0:30:510:30:55

"Where is she?"

0:30:550:30:57

APPLAUSE

0:30:570:30:58

"Are you coming out of there?" "I'm nearly there!"

0:30:580:31:02

Oh, God. Oh, God.

0:31:020:31:04

"I think I've got diarrhoea."

0:31:040:31:06

Now here's the question, here's...

0:31:060:31:09

The Shake n' Vac. Drink and leave the water.

0:31:090:31:12

I have to tell you, I have to tell you that the little baby Jesus,

0:31:120:31:16

whom I have never believed in, until this minute,

0:31:160:31:18

has told me to change the subject.

0:31:180:31:21

-So...

-Aw!

-All right. We're going to jump.

-I was just getting started.

0:31:210:31:25

-We're going to jump to Spain.

-We're on a roll.

0:31:250:31:27

We're on a roll! We're on a roll!

0:31:270:31:29

-We're on a roll!

-Come on! Come on!

0:31:290:31:33

APPLAUSE

0:31:330:31:37

Why do these babies have nothing to fear?

0:31:370:31:40

There are men jumping over them, but why have they nothing to fear?

0:31:400:31:44

-Yes.

-It's a real event that happens in Spain.

0:31:440:31:48

Baby jumping?

0:31:480:31:49

Baby jumping, it's the baby jumping festival, El Colacho.

0:31:490:31:52

-El Colacho!

-Yes.

-Yes, of course.

0:31:520:31:54

Near Burgos in Northern Spain, in the Castrillo de Murcia.

0:31:540:32:00

The reason is that these babies have been purged of their original sin

0:32:000:32:04

in this ceremony, so that if they die, they won't go to hell.

0:32:040:32:09

Burgos has the largest cathedral in Spain.

0:32:090:32:13

-It's absolutely enormous.

-It's a very huge cathedral. Yeah.

0:32:130:32:16

I love the concept of original sin.

0:32:160:32:18

It's like you go to confess and you go in and the priest goes,

0:32:180:32:21

"That's not original enough."

0:32:210:32:23

-It's derivative sin.

-"All right, then, I got a transit van

0:32:230:32:26

"and then pushed it into a bouncy castle."

0:32:260:32:29

"Yep, I haven't heard that before. You can have a blessing."

0:32:290:32:32

The Catholic Church is slightly embarrassed about this festival...

0:32:320:32:36

I was thinking, on the vibrating loo,

0:32:360:32:38

you'd have different speeds, wouldn't you?

0:32:380:32:40

Like a dial.

0:32:420:32:44

Like side to side, forwards and backwards, round and round.

0:32:440:32:47

But basically...

0:32:470:32:49

Al, then one like the waltzers that goes like that.

0:32:500:32:53

There are no reports of injured babies.

0:32:590:33:02

Oh, all right.

0:33:020:33:04

So you may prefer to indulge in a Japanese ceremony

0:33:040:33:08

called the Hadaka Matsuri.

0:33:080:33:10

It's the Naked Festival.

0:33:100:33:13

-Raw baby-eating.

-Yeah, it takes place in Okayama. There they are.

0:33:130:33:17

A 500-year-old event.

0:33:170:33:19

It culminates in 9,000 men in loincloths, wrestling in mud.

0:33:190:33:24

Are they all men? Some of them look like women.

0:33:240:33:26

-They're all men.

-There's a woman in the middle there, surely.

0:33:260:33:29

No, she's a man. He's a man.

0:33:290:33:31

And in the end, the lucky man

0:33:330:33:35

gets thrown a pair of sticks by a Shinto priest at around midnight

0:33:350:33:40

and the winner thrusts the sticks into a wooden box filled with rice

0:33:400:33:45

and is granted a year of happiness.

0:33:450:33:47

It seems a perfectly normal way to behave to me, don't you think?

0:33:470:33:51

So run me through it again.

0:33:510:33:53

-You get a pair of sticks...

-9,000 naked men wrestle in mud...

0:33:540:33:58

BILL: With great big pouchy mouths!

0:33:580:34:00

..and then eventually...

0:34:030:34:05

a Shinto priest throws two sticks to the winner,

0:34:060:34:09

who sticks it in some rice and is granted happiness.

0:34:090:34:13

-OK.

-Yeah.

-I love rice.

0:34:130:34:15

Five stars on Trip Adviser, this, wouldn't it? Yeah.

0:34:170:34:21

All right, jumping out of planes now.

0:34:210:34:26

OK, what happens if you wear your parachute upside down?

0:34:260:34:30

MUSIC: "Jump" by Van Halen

0:34:300:34:31

Are you going to say you get back on the plane?

0:34:310:34:34

Yes, Bill? You were in first.

0:34:340:34:35

I was going to say that you... it just comes out the wrong way...

0:34:350:34:39

and...you're fine.

0:34:390:34:42

LAUGHTER

0:34:420:34:43

-It's inside out.

-Yes.

0:34:450:34:46

You go upwards and you get back on the plane.

0:34:460:34:48

ALARM

0:34:480:34:50

I think you'd be all right, wouldn't you?

0:34:530:34:55

The parachute would catch the air anyway and open?

0:34:550:34:58

I have some experience of this.

0:34:580:34:59

-Yes, go on, tell us.

-I've done a tandem jump.

0:34:590:35:01

I was once tossed through a hatch, strapped to a Red Devil.

0:35:010:35:05

LAUGHTER

0:35:050:35:07

My life sort of flashed before me.

0:35:110:35:13

-Yes.

-And I thought the parachute wasn't going to come up.

0:35:130:35:16

But obviously it did, or I wouldn't be here.

0:35:160:35:18

But I did ask...Keith, his name was.

0:35:180:35:21

Keith the Red Devil.

0:35:210:35:22

Yes. ..what would happen. It doesn't bear thinking about, apparently.

0:35:220:35:27

-You would die.

-You really would die.

0:35:270:35:29

Did you ask him this on the way down? "Keith? Keith?"

0:35:290:35:32

"Shut up! Just shut up!"

0:35:320:35:34

You can't speak at all. Before the parachute goes up,

0:35:350:35:38

you're falling so quickly your cheeks are out here.

0:35:380:35:41

-Pouch-like.

-Pouch-like.

0:35:410:35:44

You see, a theme is emerging.

0:35:440:35:46

And, um, and I had a camera attached to my helmet...

0:35:460:35:50

-which, um...

-LAUGHTER

0:35:500:35:52

Behave. Everyone is to behave.

0:35:520:35:56

Just because Julian said "helmet",

0:35:570:35:59

it's not a cue for laughter.

0:35:590:36:03

-This is a butch moment.

-It's a night out, isn't it?

0:36:030:36:06

Anyway, you couldn't speak because of the velocity of the wind

0:36:080:36:12

filling up every orifice.

0:36:120:36:13

Can I have a point?

0:36:130:36:15

You certainly can. You're absolutely right, yes.

0:36:150:36:18

APPLAUSE

0:36:180:36:19

The problem with the early days of parachuting was

0:36:210:36:24

the standard-shaped parachute would cause a lot of waving back and forwards,

0:36:240:36:29

so someone said maybe a V-shaped parachute would be a good idea,

0:36:290:36:34

a 61-year-old water colourist called Cocker.

0:36:340:36:37

Cocking, I beg your pardon, Cocking.

0:36:370:36:40

-Robert Cocking.

-Can we have, like, an innuendo buzzer?

0:36:400:36:43

-Cock, helmet...

-His name was Robert Cocking.

0:36:430:36:47

And he tried out, in 1837, the V-shaped

0:36:470:36:51

and he became parachuting's first fatality.

0:36:510:36:55

You've probably got this on the cards, but you know the...

0:36:570:37:00

The SAS, you know how they do the old abseiling out of the helicopters?

0:37:000:37:04

-Yes.

-Rappelling, you're thinking of.

-What?

0:37:040:37:08

Rappelling.

0:37:080:37:09

How dare you.

0:37:090:37:12

BILL: Speed rappelling.

0:37:120:37:14

Yeah, they experimented parachuting out of helicopters

0:37:140:37:18

and, of course, the downdraught caved the thing in

0:37:180:37:21

and they'd just die.

0:37:210:37:22

So that's why they did the rappelling,

0:37:220:37:25

as I like to call it.

0:37:250:37:26

LAUGHTER

0:37:260:37:28

Very good. It sucks up into the updraught, which you don't want.

0:37:280:37:31

You don't want to get sucked up into... Oh, what?

0:37:310:37:34

Stop it, stop it.

0:37:340:37:36

IMITATES INNUENDO ALARM

0:37:360:37:38

Cocking...

0:37:380:37:40

BILL IMITATES INNUENDO ALARM

0:37:400:37:43

A massive down draught... Whoop!

0:37:430:37:45

Cocking tried to involve himself with a balloon and he went up

0:37:450:37:49

too fast and it was a big disaster.

0:37:490:37:52

Went up too fast.

0:37:520:37:53

Yep, "went up too fast", tick.

0:37:530:37:55

He died on the spot and the landlord of the pub where he landed

0:37:550:38:00

charged people sixpence to look at his body

0:38:000:38:02

and made £10, which is quite a successful...

0:38:020:38:05

He was lying there stiff as a board. Whoop, whoop.

0:38:050:38:08

His widow successfully sued him and he had to pay the £10 back.

0:38:080:38:13

But who was it who proposed a parachute, back in 1485?

0:38:130:38:16

Proposed a parachute?

0:38:160:38:17

Yes, suggested the idea of a parachute.

0:38:170:38:20

-Bound to be Da Vinci.

-It was indeed Leonardo Da Vinci.

0:38:200:38:23

BILL: Leonardo DiCaprio.

0:38:230:38:26

He never tested it practically.

0:38:260:38:28

The first actual jump with a parachute was made in 1783.

0:38:280:38:33

Which is quite early, isn't it?

0:38:330:38:35

By somebody called Louis-Sebastien Lenormand,

0:38:350:38:38

from a height of only four metres.

0:38:380:38:39

So there you are, that's your parachuting.

0:38:390:38:42

Now, this is fun. It's a dubious theory about jumping foxes.

0:38:420:38:46

-NEWSREEL:

-"A dubious theory, from Stephen Fry."

0:38:460:38:49

NEEDLE SCRATCHES

0:38:490:38:51

According to researchers from the Czech Republic,

0:38:510:38:54

foxes prefer to pounce on their prey in a north-easterly direction.

0:38:540:38:58

As long as they do so, they are successful 73% of the time.

0:38:580:39:05

If they jump in some other direction,

0:39:050:39:07

they are much less successful - 18% of the time.

0:39:070:39:10

So the researchers think

0:39:100:39:12

they must be using the Earth's magnetic field in some way

0:39:120:39:16

which we don't yet understand.

0:39:160:39:18

Dubious or not? Visit foxyschmoxy.co.uk

0:39:180:39:23

and then decide for yourself, if you dare.

0:39:230:39:26

-NEWSREEL:

-"A dubious theory, from Stephen Fry."

0:39:260:39:29

NEEDLE SCRATCHES

0:39:290:39:31

-Yes, it is actually true that foxes do...

-Really?

0:39:310:39:34

Yep, the vast majority of their pounces, on mice, in particular,

0:39:340:39:39

are in exactly that direction.

0:39:390:39:42

In the northern hemisphere, the magnetic field tilts downwards

0:39:420:39:46

at about 65 degrees.

0:39:460:39:50

The fox searches for the spot

0:39:500:39:52

where the angle of the sound hitting its ears

0:39:520:39:55

matches the slope of the Earth's magnetic field.

0:39:550:39:59

It knows it's then a fixed distance away

0:39:590:40:01

and can accurately leap on the mouse.

0:40:010:40:05

It seems to be that it does have some very strong bearing

0:40:050:40:08

on the Earth's magnetic fields.

0:40:080:40:10

While we're on the subject of snow, we should look at avalanches.

0:40:100:40:14

What should you not do if there's a danger of an avalanche?

0:40:140:40:19

Make a loud noise.

0:40:190:40:20

-ALARM

-Ooh, Julian, Julian,

0:40:210:40:23

I wish you hadn't said that.

0:40:230:40:25

No. Although it's a convenient plot device in movies,

0:40:250:40:29

the idea of a gunshot, or a shout or a loud noise

0:40:290:40:33

causing an avalanche is a complete fallacy.

0:40:330:40:36

-Oh, I'm sure I've seen it in a film.

-As I say, it does happen in films.

0:40:360:40:40

But not in real life.

0:40:400:40:42

Look at this one here. Look at it, coming straight at the camera.

0:40:420:40:47

This is scary.

0:40:470:40:48

Look at that.

0:40:480:40:50

Jesus.

0:40:500:40:51

I mean, that is... Argh.

0:40:510:40:52

ALAN: I'd love it if it came over Julian and Ross.

0:40:520:40:55

It's going to hit the camera at any minute.

0:40:570:41:00

Bang. All right, so...

0:41:010:41:04

we're now going to have something incredibly exciting -

0:41:040:41:06

at least, I hope it's exciting. It's a jolly jape.

0:41:060:41:10

-I do love my jolly japes.

-I love a jolly jape.

0:41:100:41:12

I've got here a little...

0:41:120:41:15

What I'm going to try and do is try and create something

0:41:150:41:19

that will make you think, "No!

0:41:190:41:21

"No, Stephen, this is not possible!

0:41:210:41:25

"Stephen, I will now bow down and worship you forever."

0:41:250:41:28

I'm going to try and create...

0:41:280:41:31

a square bubble.

0:41:310:41:33

-No!

-"Shut up, Stephen!"

0:41:330:41:38

-I'm on the verge of worshipping you forever.

-Yeah, exactly.

0:41:380:41:41

How would you not be? A square bubble.

0:41:410:41:43

-Shut the front door.

-So I've got this here,

0:41:430:41:46

can you see that bubble there?

0:41:460:41:48

-Oh!

-Wow!

0:41:480:41:49

It's not yet square,

0:41:490:41:51

but if I blow...

0:41:510:41:53

Look at that!

0:41:550:41:56

No way!

0:41:560:41:58

-Square bubble.

-Oh!

0:41:580:41:59

Square bubble!

0:41:590:42:01

APPLAUSE

0:42:010:42:06

How amazing is that?

0:42:070:42:09

Very cool.

0:42:090:42:11

On television, virtually live, "as live", as we say,

0:42:110:42:14

it's probably the only interesting and important thing

0:42:140:42:18

I've ever done in my life.

0:42:180:42:20

But I'm proud, and thank you for enjoying my square bubble.

0:42:200:42:24

Well, that's the jolly jape.

0:42:240:42:26

And on that bubble-shell, I jump over to the scoreboard.

0:42:260:42:30

I suppose I have to begin at the bottom.

0:42:300:42:34

-Julian...

-No!

0:42:340:42:35

Unfortunately, you scored minus seven points.

0:42:350:42:38

APPLAUSE

0:42:380:42:41

-Alan, you are at third place, with minus four.

-Thank you.

0:42:430:42:46

APPLAUSE

0:42:460:42:48

In second place, with five points,

0:42:510:42:54

Ross Noble.

0:42:540:42:55

APPLAUSE

0:42:550:42:57

And just one point ahead,

0:42:590:43:00

on plus six, is Bill Bailey.

0:43:000:43:03

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:43:030:43:06

Well, that's all from Julian, Ross, Bill, Alan and me.

0:43:120:43:15

Be adorable to each other always. Good night.

0:43:150:43:20

APPLAUSE

0:43:200:43:23

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:43:410:43:45

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