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This programme contains very strong language. | 0:00:15 | 0:00:22 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:28 | 0:00:30 | |
Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, | 0:00:30 | 0:00:33 | |
good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, | 0:00:33 | 0:00:35 | |
and welcome to QI for an episode which is all about Justice. | 0:00:35 | 0:00:39 | |
Members of the jury, the just Brian Cox. | 0:00:39 | 0:00:42 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:42 | 0:00:46 | |
The judicious Rhys Darby. | 0:00:46 | 0:00:49 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:49 | 0:00:53 | |
The judgmental Jason Manford. | 0:00:53 | 0:00:56 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:56 | 0:00:58 | |
And a jailbird, Alan Davies. | 0:01:00 | 0:01:03 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:01:03 | 0:01:05 | |
Well, in case I nod off during these proceedings, | 0:01:10 | 0:01:13 | |
you all know how to catch my attention, it's with a buzzer. | 0:01:13 | 0:01:16 | |
And Jason goes... | 0:01:16 | 0:01:18 | |
HAMMER POUNDING | 0:01:18 | 0:01:19 | |
Brian goes... | 0:01:19 | 0:01:20 | |
'All rise.' | 0:01:20 | 0:01:23 | |
Rhys goes... | 0:01:23 | 0:01:24 | |
'Order! Order!' | 0:01:24 | 0:01:27 | |
And Alan goes... | 0:01:27 | 0:01:28 | |
GUILLOTINE | 0:01:28 | 0:01:30 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:30 | 0:01:32 | |
Excellent. So let's start laying down the law. | 0:01:32 | 0:01:35 | |
Describe the rules... | 0:01:35 | 0:01:37 | |
Oh, he's free! Escapology. | 0:01:37 | 0:01:39 | |
I'll tell you what, being a copper back then, | 0:01:39 | 0:01:42 | |
-when everyone dressed like that, was well easy... -It was, wasn't it, really. | 0:01:42 | 0:01:45 | |
I think it might be him, I might be that guy. | 0:01:45 | 0:01:47 | |
-I'm going to take this off, cos the bridge of my nose is rubbing. -Oh, you don't want that. | 0:01:47 | 0:01:51 | |
Oh, my God, it's Alan Davies! | 0:01:51 | 0:01:53 | |
Hello, everyone. | 0:01:53 | 0:01:54 | |
Noel Coward was at a rehearsal when one of the actors was picking his nose, he thought, secretly, | 0:01:54 | 0:01:59 | |
and Noel shouted, "Wave when you get to the bridge!" | 0:01:59 | 0:02:02 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:02 | 0:02:04 | |
Anyway, describe the rules on a pirate ship. | 0:02:04 | 0:02:08 | |
Rules? | 0:02:08 | 0:02:10 | |
Yeah. But what sort of rules would they have? | 0:02:10 | 0:02:13 | |
-Obviously, they've got a captain. -Yes. -So he's in charge. | 0:02:13 | 0:02:15 | |
So I imagine he gets most of the gold and whatever they find. | 0:02:15 | 0:02:18 | |
Well, oddly enough, no. They had two senior officers - the captain and the quartermaster. | 0:02:18 | 0:02:23 | |
And the captain could be vetoed by the quartermaster | 0:02:23 | 0:02:26 | |
-on all matters except battle, except rules of engagement, when fighting. -Oh, OK. | 0:02:26 | 0:02:31 | |
And they had strong laws. | 0:02:31 | 0:02:33 | |
And the quartermaster was, he was about how much they divvied out, | 0:02:33 | 0:02:37 | |
including he decided how much the captain got. | 0:02:37 | 0:02:39 | |
The captain had no special quarters, | 0:02:39 | 0:02:41 | |
he didn't have a, you know, wonderful room, | 0:02:41 | 0:02:43 | |
such as you imagine in movies. | 0:02:43 | 0:02:44 | |
So it's not exactly hierarchical, it's kind of a rule of two, the quartermaster and the captain. | 0:02:44 | 0:02:49 | |
Otherwise, it was more or less a democracy, in a strange sort of way. | 0:02:49 | 0:02:52 | |
But with strict rules. | 0:02:52 | 0:02:53 | |
For example, in Captain Bartholomew Roberts' ship, the Fortune, | 0:02:53 | 0:02:57 | |
there was no gambling, it was like a boarding school - | 0:02:57 | 0:02:59 | |
no smuggling girls into the dorm, no playing music on a Sunday. | 0:02:59 | 0:03:03 | |
And lights out at eight o'clock sharp in the evening. | 0:03:03 | 0:03:06 | |
-It's rubbish being a pirate. -I know. | 0:03:06 | 0:03:08 | |
-It's not quite what you imagine is it. -Sack the captain, that's rubbish. | 0:03:08 | 0:03:11 | |
-But also... -Where are you going to smuggle these girls from anyway? | 0:03:11 | 0:03:13 | |
-That's true. -Mermaids. | 0:03:13 | 0:03:15 | |
-If you rescue one from the sea... No, no, no, no. -There is a wonderful book that Vic Reeves mentioned. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:19 | |
-He's an expert on pirates. -He's love a pirate. | 0:03:19 | 0:03:21 | |
He loves pirates, and it's a book that both he and I had read, | 0:03:21 | 0:03:23 | |
called Sodomy And The Piratical Tradition. | 0:03:23 | 0:03:26 | |
-And it's a very well-known work. -I'm so sorry, Brian. -No, it is! | 0:03:26 | 0:03:30 | |
-LAUGHTER -You thought we were quite highbrow and intellectual. | 0:03:30 | 0:03:33 | |
It is a very serious work of history and very interesting, | 0:03:33 | 0:03:36 | |
which goes into the way these things were run. | 0:03:36 | 0:03:38 | |
But, obviously with the emphasis on the sodomy. | 0:03:38 | 0:03:41 | |
But there was also... | 0:03:41 | 0:03:42 | |
Were there rules surrounding that particular pursuit? | 0:03:42 | 0:03:45 | |
There were rules, indeed there where, absolutely. | 0:03:45 | 0:03:47 | |
Very strict rules. You couldn't just take whomever you please, no. | 0:03:47 | 0:03:50 | |
-What were the rules of sodomy? -Not on Sundays. -LAUGHTER | 0:03:50 | 0:03:55 | |
I, I... It's eye-wateringly complex. | 0:03:55 | 0:03:59 | |
-LAUGHTER -You're too young and too innocent to know. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:03 | |
-Honestly, really. -For future reference! | 0:04:03 | 0:04:05 | |
Stick to small things like supernovas, | 0:04:05 | 0:04:09 | |
this is really too explosive. | 0:04:09 | 0:04:12 | |
"Eye-wateringly complex." | 0:04:12 | 0:04:14 | |
When it came to women aboard, the articles of Captain George Lowther, | 0:04:15 | 0:04:19 | |
who was a famous pirate of his day said, | 0:04:19 | 0:04:21 | |
"If at any time you meet with a prudent woman, | 0:04:21 | 0:04:23 | |
"that man that offers to meddle with her, | 0:04:23 | 0:04:26 | |
"without her consent, shall suffer present death." | 0:04:26 | 0:04:30 | |
So meddling with a prudent woman without her consent got you death. | 0:04:30 | 0:04:34 | |
So they really were very strict with each other. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:37 | |
-So meddling was rape, really? -Essentially, we're talking about rape. | 0:04:37 | 0:04:40 | |
-That lost its meaning by the time Scooby Doo came on. -Exactly. | 0:04:40 | 0:04:43 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:43 | 0:04:46 | |
Why if you pesky kids hadn't meddled! | 0:04:47 | 0:04:52 | |
Notorious gang rapists. | 0:04:52 | 0:04:53 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:53 | 0:04:56 | |
That's just terrible. I'm ashamed of you. | 0:04:56 | 0:04:59 | |
Do they have pirates in New Zealand? | 0:04:59 | 0:05:02 | |
We've been attacked by pirates on occasion. | 0:05:02 | 0:05:04 | |
And you didn't have anyone transported to New Zealand, like Australia? | 0:05:04 | 0:05:07 | |
-No, it was a destination of choice for those seeking adventure... -Yeah. | 0:05:07 | 0:05:12 | |
..and death. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:14 | |
-LAUGHTER -Nothing's changed. -Nothing much has changed, no, exactly. | 0:05:14 | 0:05:18 | |
Why is the pirate's voice similar to the farmer's voice? | 0:05:18 | 0:05:24 | |
Why, is there something, "Aarr, get off my land!" | 0:05:24 | 0:05:27 | |
The same sort of... | 0:05:27 | 0:05:29 | |
There's one man responsible, do you know who it is? | 0:05:29 | 0:05:31 | |
-It'll be a film actor. -Yes. | 0:05:31 | 0:05:33 | |
Oh, OK. | 0:05:33 | 0:05:34 | |
-In Treasure Island? -He played in a great performance of Treasure Island, | 0:05:34 | 0:05:37 | |
and, in fact, Tony Hancock, the great comedian, | 0:05:37 | 0:05:39 | |
he first started out as an impersonator of this actor. | 0:05:39 | 0:05:42 | |
-Laughton? -No, not quite as well-known as Laughton. | 0:05:42 | 0:05:44 | |
In his own day, he was very, very well-known, | 0:05:44 | 0:05:46 | |
but now, less well-known. | 0:05:46 | 0:05:48 | |
Anybody? | 0:05:48 | 0:05:49 | |
AUDIENCE: It was someone mentioned on QI before. | 0:05:49 | 0:05:51 | |
Someone, we've mentioned it on QI before. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:53 | |
Ah, hang on a minute, we're getting heckled. | 0:05:53 | 0:05:55 | |
The chances of Alan remembering it are remote. | 0:05:55 | 0:05:57 | |
Someone at the front is saying, "You've done this!" | 0:05:57 | 0:06:00 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:00 | 0:06:01 | |
-Who are these...?! -This was on Dave on Tuesday! | 0:06:01 | 0:06:04 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:04 | 0:06:06 | |
New facts! New facts! | 0:06:06 | 0:06:08 | |
-Well, it was Robert Newton anyway, the actor. -Robert Newton. | 0:06:08 | 0:06:11 | |
GUILLOTINE | 0:06:11 | 0:06:13 | |
-Thank you, yes. -Robert Newton. | 0:06:13 | 0:06:14 | |
Robert Newton is the right answer, but it doesn't count cos we've had it before. | 0:06:14 | 0:06:18 | |
David Prowse almost did that, didn't he, to Darth Vader. | 0:06:18 | 0:06:20 | |
-He had a West Country accent, didn't he? -Yes, he did. | 0:06:20 | 0:06:23 | |
-And he thought that it would be used, didn't he? -Yes. | 0:06:23 | 0:06:25 | |
With his West Country accent, it got re-dubbed by James Earl Jones. | 0:06:25 | 0:06:28 | |
IN A WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: "I am your father." | 0:06:28 | 0:06:30 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:30 | 0:06:31 | |
IN A WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: "Aarh, I'm your father and I'm your brother as well." | 0:06:31 | 0:06:35 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:35 | 0:06:37 | |
Sorry, for when I taught there. Joking! | 0:06:37 | 0:06:40 | |
-See? -Darth Vader on a big tractor. | 0:06:44 | 0:06:47 | |
Trundling down the corridors of the Death Star chewing a bit of straw. | 0:06:47 | 0:06:52 | |
-IN A WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: -"Darth." | 0:06:52 | 0:06:53 | |
-"Darth." -"Darth." | 0:06:53 | 0:06:55 | |
-"Mr Darth to you." -"Mr Darth, Mr Darth." | 0:06:55 | 0:06:58 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:58 | 0:07:00 | |
It's, yeah, anyway. Um... | 0:07:00 | 0:07:03 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:07:03 | 0:07:04 | |
You know the skull and crossbone flag? | 0:07:04 | 0:07:07 | |
-Yes. -Did they really have that? Cos that's giving it away. | 0:07:07 | 0:07:09 | |
-We definitely covered that in the last series. -Really? I must have missed it. | 0:07:09 | 0:07:13 | |
-Yeah, Alan will tell you all about it. -Go on. | 0:07:13 | 0:07:14 | |
GUILLOTINE | 0:07:14 | 0:07:16 | |
Jolly Roger. | 0:07:16 | 0:07:17 | |
-Well, everyone knows it's called the Jolly Roger. -LAUGHTER | 0:07:17 | 0:07:20 | |
Or is that a proposition? | 0:07:20 | 0:07:22 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:07:22 | 0:07:26 | |
-Maybe later, Alan. -It's been, it's been ten years, Stephen, | 0:07:26 | 0:07:28 | |
and I've finally come round to it. | 0:07:28 | 0:07:30 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:07:30 | 0:07:31 | |
-Hurrah! At last. -It's time for a Jolly Roger. | 0:07:31 | 0:07:35 | |
An eye-watering Jolly Roger. | 0:07:35 | 0:07:38 | |
All right, now, what's the difference between a Californian prison and a medieval dungeon? | 0:07:38 | 0:07:43 | |
You can see we've very cunningly placed the Tower of London, | 0:07:43 | 0:07:47 | |
which is a medieval dungeon, next to Alcatraz, which is, of course, a famous Californian prison. | 0:07:47 | 0:07:53 | |
Is it anything to do with the fact that you can't get out? | 0:07:53 | 0:07:57 | |
-Alcatraz is famous, isn't it, of being, like... -Of prison! | 0:07:57 | 0:08:00 | |
-LAUGHTER No, not out of prison. -How do you get out of prison? | 0:08:00 | 0:08:03 | |
If you're popped in the dungeon, you're given manacles like you had earlier, | 0:08:03 | 0:08:08 | |
and you're given board and lodging, essentially, | 0:08:08 | 0:08:10 | |
and we go on today about prisoners... | 0:08:10 | 0:08:13 | |
"It's like a hotel, look at how much it costs the government." | 0:08:13 | 0:08:16 | |
-They've made them work. -Not just made them work, they made them PAY. | 0:08:16 | 0:08:20 | |
They had to pay for their manacles, they had to pay for their foot gyves, | 0:08:20 | 0:08:24 | |
everything, they had to pay for their accommodation. | 0:08:24 | 0:08:28 | |
-So they had jobs? -No, that was the awful thing. | 0:08:28 | 0:08:31 | |
A lot of them, pretty obviously, were not very rich, | 0:08:31 | 0:08:34 | |
so what happened was they usually then ended up in debtors' prison | 0:08:34 | 0:08:37 | |
cos they couldn't afford to pay the fee. | 0:08:37 | 0:08:41 | |
Is that a picture of the returns desk? Those are a nightmare. | 0:08:41 | 0:08:46 | |
-Really hurt. -When they closed the Fleet Prison in the '40s, | 0:08:46 | 0:08:48 | |
they discovered some people had been there 40 years for what was | 0:08:48 | 0:08:51 | |
a small debt they couldn't pay. Anyway, the point is, | 0:08:51 | 0:08:54 | |
medieval dungeons, you had to pay your fee, and in California, | 0:08:54 | 0:08:58 | |
at least in Riverside County, they have reintroduced such a system. | 0:08:58 | 0:09:01 | |
-Its county jail now charges inmates 140 a day to be in jail. -Wow! | 0:09:01 | 0:09:06 | |
-That's more than, like, a Premier Inn. -It's more than a Premier Inn. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:10 | |
That's more than Lenny Henry pays to stay in hotels. | 0:09:10 | 0:09:12 | |
So that is quite a lot of money. Yes. | 0:09:12 | 0:09:16 | |
Then again, there's no table tennis at Premier Inn. | 0:09:16 | 0:09:18 | |
-You got to weigh it up, haven't you? -It's true. | 0:09:18 | 0:09:21 | |
Pamela Walls of the council, noted it may prove hard to collect | 0:09:21 | 0:09:25 | |
reimbursements because "those defendants who are convicted | 0:09:25 | 0:09:27 | |
"of crimes and incarcerated typically have limited funds." | 0:09:27 | 0:09:30 | |
What a system! | 0:09:30 | 0:09:32 | |
The supervisor, Jeff Stone, he thinks these are very challenging economic times | 0:09:32 | 0:09:35 | |
and it could be a great source of revenue, could return three to five million dollars a year. | 0:09:35 | 0:09:40 | |
But, unlike in Britain where you still had to pay even if you were innocent, | 0:09:40 | 0:09:45 | |
at least in California if you turn out not to have been guilty, you get your money back. | 0:09:45 | 0:09:49 | |
-Oh, do you? -Yeah. | 0:09:49 | 0:09:50 | |
But, like, where are these people getting their money from? | 0:09:50 | 0:09:53 | |
From crime, isn't it? So all it's doing is encouraging them to rob more stuff. | 0:09:53 | 0:09:58 | |
"I'm going into prison, right, I'd better rob a load of stuff, it could cost me a fortune." | 0:09:58 | 0:10:02 | |
"They're just about to catch me, I'd better rush into this shop and take the till." | 0:10:02 | 0:10:06 | |
They can work once they are in prison, though, can't they? | 0:10:06 | 0:10:08 | |
-From in prison. -Indeed, in most prisons prisoners work. | 0:10:08 | 0:10:11 | |
-When I was in prison I worked. -Set up a little lemonade stand or something | 0:10:11 | 0:10:14 | |
in the basketball court. | 0:10:14 | 0:10:16 | |
I had to paint soldiers when I was in prison. I was in prison when I was 18. | 0:10:16 | 0:10:19 | |
-Toy ones? -They were little toy ones, it was quite, sort of, relaxing work. | 0:10:19 | 0:10:24 | |
Then I was put on the polishing the corridor duty which was not so pleasant. | 0:10:24 | 0:10:28 | |
-When we were you in prison? I didn't know. -Did you not know? | 0:10:28 | 0:10:31 | |
-Oh, I have a chequered past. -Is this a can of worms. -It was four years ago now. | 0:10:31 | 0:10:34 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:10:34 | 0:10:36 | |
We've moved on, Brian. We've moved on. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:39 | |
Many people think I should still be. | 0:10:39 | 0:10:41 | |
You go through an institution for several years and you come out in debt? | 0:10:41 | 0:10:44 | |
-Rather like being a student. -Yes, exactly. Very well put. | 0:10:44 | 0:10:49 | |
Except you learn probably a lot more in prison than you would... | 0:10:49 | 0:10:52 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:10:52 | 0:10:54 | |
-You learn a trade. -You come out with a trade. | 0:10:54 | 0:10:56 | |
Useful trade. Bouncing. You learn how to be a bouncer. | 0:10:56 | 0:10:59 | |
Don't take this question personally, Alan, | 0:10:59 | 0:11:01 | |
-I didn't write this question. All right? -OK. -OK. | 0:11:01 | 0:11:04 | |
Now, what sort of person would say that Alan has a very small penis? | 0:11:04 | 0:11:09 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:11:09 | 0:11:12 | |
I'm sorry. | 0:11:12 | 0:11:13 | |
My wife. | 0:11:13 | 0:11:15 | |
No! No. | 0:11:15 | 0:11:17 | |
And this is a legal question? | 0:11:17 | 0:11:18 | |
-It is very much a legal question, yes. -Oh, OK. | 0:11:18 | 0:11:21 | |
I'll tell you the world we're in, we're in the world of defamation, right? | 0:11:21 | 0:11:25 | |
Let's say I was to write a novel | 0:11:25 | 0:11:27 | |
about someone who presented a quiz show called KI, | 0:11:27 | 0:11:31 | |
who was called Simon Dry. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:33 | |
And he had a regular sidekick | 0:11:33 | 0:11:36 | |
with curly hair who was called Andrew Devons, | 0:11:36 | 0:11:40 | |
and had a very small penis. | 0:11:40 | 0:11:42 | |
The idea is that he'll never sue | 0:11:42 | 0:11:47 | |
cos he'll never say this is obviously based on me. | 0:11:47 | 0:11:50 | |
Cos no-one will say, "It's obviously based on me, | 0:11:50 | 0:11:52 | |
"because my name's like that and I've got a small... Oh, hang on." | 0:11:52 | 0:11:55 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:11:55 | 0:11:56 | |
-Oh, I see. -So that's the idea, is that when you want to slander somebody, | 0:11:56 | 0:12:00 | |
you put in certain things that they would never admit to. | 0:12:00 | 0:12:03 | |
They'd be too embarrassed to say that it's like them. | 0:12:03 | 0:12:05 | |
There was a writer who was snubbed by Martin Amis, | 0:12:05 | 0:12:08 | |
the great novelist, that's Martin Amis, there. | 0:12:08 | 0:12:11 | |
Peter James was snubbed by him and he got his own back by creating a character | 0:12:11 | 0:12:15 | |
called Amis Smallbone, whose manhood is compared to a stubby pencil. | 0:12:15 | 0:12:20 | |
-And presumably Martin Amis has not sued. -Was it Martin Amis...? | 0:12:20 | 0:12:24 | |
Who was it wrote about Norman Mailer and put a little, sort of, | 0:12:24 | 0:12:27 | |
to the appendix, to the index, because he knew that Norman would always look, | 0:12:27 | 0:12:33 | |
-Norman Mailer, and it just said, "Hi, Norm." -That's right. | 0:12:33 | 0:12:36 | |
It's a bit like the Jewish joke, isn't it, about will being read out. | 0:12:36 | 0:12:40 | |
"To my brother-in-law, Louis, who always wanted | 0:12:40 | 0:12:43 | |
"to be mentioned in my will - hello, Louis!" | 0:12:43 | 0:12:45 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:12:45 | 0:12:49 | |
Why do we get away with that, as stand-up comedians, | 0:12:50 | 0:12:53 | |
when someone heckles you and you have a go back | 0:12:53 | 0:12:55 | |
and you say something in front of a room, you know... | 0:12:55 | 0:12:57 | |
Well, it's a kind of understood contract | 0:12:57 | 0:13:00 | |
between an audience and a comedian, | 0:13:00 | 0:13:02 | |
that someone heckles and you go, | 0:13:02 | 0:13:03 | |
"If I want any shit from you, I'll squeeze your head," | 0:13:03 | 0:13:05 | |
-or whatever, you know. Some story... -What was that? | 0:13:05 | 0:13:09 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:09 | 0:13:11 | |
So... | 0:13:14 | 0:13:15 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:15 | 0:13:17 | |
What else would you say? What other things? | 0:13:17 | 0:13:21 | |
-Just one example. -I'm not going to give away my best heckler remarks. | 0:13:21 | 0:13:24 | |
But what I mean is, if you made a joke heckle, | 0:13:24 | 0:13:27 | |
-that's not defamatory. -OK. -I mean, that's the point. | 0:13:27 | 0:13:29 | |
So, tit for tat doesn't stand up in court, does it? | 0:13:29 | 0:13:31 | |
-No, I don't think so, exactly. -He started it. | 0:13:31 | 0:13:34 | |
-Yeah, exactly. Exactly. -LAUGHTER | 0:13:34 | 0:13:36 | |
But there are various defences. | 0:13:36 | 0:13:38 | |
And in the case, which is an obviously untrue one, of Alan's small penis, for example, | 0:13:38 | 0:13:43 | |
-one defence is the truth... -LAUGHTER | 0:13:43 | 0:13:45 | |
..that the person does have a small penis, | 0:13:45 | 0:13:47 | |
the other is parliamentary privilege. | 0:13:47 | 0:13:49 | |
So a Member of Parliament can get up and say, "Alan Davies, Mr Speaker, has a small penis." | 0:13:49 | 0:13:53 | |
And another Member of Parliament will get up and say, | 0:13:53 | 0:13:55 | |
"He's a grower, not a shower!" | 0:13:55 | 0:13:57 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:57 | 0:13:59 | |
-Yeah, lovely. Yeah. -Point of order! | 0:13:59 | 0:14:02 | |
The point is, you couldn't sue either of them, | 0:14:02 | 0:14:04 | |
because under parliamentary privilege, there is no action that can be taken. | 0:14:04 | 0:14:08 | |
There's increased privilege in peer reviewed scientific journals as well. | 0:14:08 | 0:14:12 | |
Oh, that's privileged? | 0:14:12 | 0:14:13 | |
Yes, it is, to some extent. | 0:14:13 | 0:14:15 | |
So that if you are quite rude about a fellow scientist... | 0:14:15 | 0:14:18 | |
Yeah. As long as it's in a peer reviewed journal, | 0:14:18 | 0:14:21 | |
and it's not malicious, then you are allowed to do it. | 0:14:21 | 0:14:24 | |
In the interests of freedom of debate. | 0:14:24 | 0:14:26 | |
I could publish a paper reviewed by my peers about your penis | 0:14:26 | 0:14:29 | |
and I would be relatively immune unless I was being malicious about it. | 0:14:29 | 0:14:33 | |
Right. Now that's the phrase, of course, they use in American defamatory law, | 0:14:33 | 0:14:36 | |
is "absence of malice". | 0:14:36 | 0:14:38 | |
If you can prove absence of malice, then, you can say almost anything which allows... | 0:14:38 | 0:14:42 | |
IN WOMAN'S VOICE: "I like your small penis." | 0:14:42 | 0:14:44 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:44 | 0:14:45 | |
And that's... | 0:14:45 | 0:14:46 | |
It's very, very tiny, but it's wonderful. | 0:14:46 | 0:14:49 | |
Surely at some point sarcasm must come in. | 0:14:49 | 0:14:51 | |
Well, there's that. If you can prove that, exactly. | 0:14:51 | 0:14:54 | |
So the other one is good faith. | 0:14:54 | 0:14:56 | |
I...I genuinely thought he had a small penis, | 0:14:56 | 0:14:58 | |
I didn't mean it as defamatory, it was said in good faith. | 0:14:58 | 0:15:01 | |
That's one thing. The other is opinion, which is - | 0:15:01 | 0:15:03 | |
it was just my opinion. Compared to mine, it's small, OK. Right. | 0:15:03 | 0:15:07 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:07 | 0:15:08 | |
-It's a review. -It's a review, exactly. | 0:15:08 | 0:15:11 | |
One star. | 0:15:11 | 0:15:12 | |
The other is public, the public interest. | 0:15:12 | 0:15:14 | |
The public has a right to know the size of Alan Davies's penis! | 0:15:14 | 0:15:18 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:18 | 0:15:20 | |
That might be a defence. The other is consent. | 0:15:20 | 0:15:22 | |
He agreed with me about the size of his penis. | 0:15:22 | 0:15:24 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:24 | 0:15:25 | |
The other one is vulgar abuse. | 0:15:25 | 0:15:27 | |
Surely, you didn't believe me when I said you had a small penis. | 0:15:27 | 0:15:30 | |
I was just being rude to you. It was not, I was not defaming you. | 0:15:30 | 0:15:34 | |
It would be like if I called you, you know, one of the unacceptable taboo swearwords, | 0:15:34 | 0:15:39 | |
if I called you a motherfucker, you know, is not defaming you, | 0:15:39 | 0:15:42 | |
whereas if I actually wrote down | 0:15:42 | 0:15:43 | |
that I believed you actually incestuously did have sex with your mother, that would be defamatory. | 0:15:43 | 0:15:49 | |
Do you see? So that's the difference. | 0:15:49 | 0:15:51 | |
Not with a penis that size! | 0:15:51 | 0:15:52 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:52 | 0:15:54 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:15:54 | 0:15:56 | |
That's just going all over the place. | 0:15:56 | 0:15:58 | |
Can we see the evidence? | 0:15:58 | 0:16:00 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:00 | 0:16:01 | |
I just...it's all about evidence. | 0:16:01 | 0:16:03 | |
-Not from there, it's minute. -Oh, no! | 0:16:03 | 0:16:06 | |
-Just let me, let me... -No, no, now, Brian. -Let's settle this. | 0:16:06 | 0:16:08 | |
No, but the first person at home going, | 0:16:08 | 0:16:10 | |
"I should never have gone HD." | 0:16:10 | 0:16:12 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:12 | 0:16:14 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:15 | 0:16:18 | |
Oh! | 0:16:18 | 0:16:19 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:19 | 0:16:21 | |
"Rise..." | 0:16:21 | 0:16:22 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:22 | 0:16:25 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:16:25 | 0:16:27 | |
Very good. | 0:16:29 | 0:16:32 | |
Thank you. Thank you. There is... | 0:16:32 | 0:16:35 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:35 | 0:16:37 | |
Is this on BBC Three these days? | 0:16:37 | 0:16:39 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:39 | 0:16:40 | |
I'm so sorry, Brian, I know. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:43 | |
Anyway, that's the point. | 0:16:43 | 0:16:44 | |
Saying a character isn't very well-hung could save you from a libel action. | 0:16:44 | 0:16:47 | |
Which reality TV format was invented by Charlemagne's father? | 0:16:47 | 0:16:52 | |
There's a picture of Charlemagne. | 0:16:52 | 0:16:55 | |
-Big Brother? -It's not as well-known as Big Brother, | 0:16:55 | 0:16:57 | |
I will give you a clue. | 0:16:57 | 0:16:59 | |
Celebrity Big Brother? | 0:16:59 | 0:17:00 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:00 | 0:17:01 | |
On Channel 5. | 0:17:01 | 0:17:03 | |
I'm a king, get me out of here? | 0:17:03 | 0:17:05 | |
That would cover it. I can tell you it was presented by Dale Winton. | 0:17:05 | 0:17:10 | |
Supermarket Sweep? | 0:17:10 | 0:17:12 | |
No, I... | 0:17:12 | 0:17:13 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:13 | 0:17:14 | |
Total Wipe Out? What else has he done? | 0:17:14 | 0:17:15 | |
Ah, you're pretty good, you're good on... | 0:17:15 | 0:17:17 | |
-See, I know the workings of... -Big fan. -Yeah. | 0:17:17 | 0:17:20 | |
-You're good on Dale. -Yeah. -Who was this? | 0:17:20 | 0:17:21 | |
You probably don't know who Dale Winton is, do you? | 0:17:21 | 0:17:24 | |
Uh... Chap or lady? | 0:17:24 | 0:17:25 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:25 | 0:17:27 | |
Audience, behave! | 0:17:27 | 0:17:29 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:29 | 0:17:31 | |
-He's a very charming gentleman, Mr Winton. -OK. | 0:17:33 | 0:17:37 | |
Well turned out, crisply well turned out gentleman, very nice man. | 0:17:37 | 0:17:40 | |
Who was his father...? | 0:17:40 | 0:17:41 | |
Charlemagne's father is a good question. | 0:17:41 | 0:17:44 | |
Unlikely to have heard of him, I'll be very impressed if you've heard of him. | 0:17:44 | 0:17:47 | |
He was called Pepin the Short, unfortunately, | 0:17:47 | 0:17:49 | |
but if you go back to, this is even pre-medieval, this is the dark ages, | 0:17:49 | 0:17:53 | |
if you go back to that time, justice was meted out in all kinds of odd ways. | 0:17:53 | 0:17:56 | |
And one of the odd ways it was a system of testing, | 0:17:56 | 0:17:59 | |
which was called an ordeal. | 0:17:59 | 0:18:01 | |
-An ordeal. -Ordeal. -Ordeal. | 0:18:01 | 0:18:02 | |
-There were various kinds of ordeal. -So it's ordeal or no ordeal? | 0:18:02 | 0:18:05 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:18:05 | 0:18:07 | |
Hey, hey! | 0:18:07 | 0:18:08 | |
If only... If only it were Noel Edmonds we were talking about, | 0:18:08 | 0:18:12 | |
-then that would be... -He really is an ordeal. | 0:18:12 | 0:18:14 | |
-Is he a lady or a man? -Is Noel Edmonds a...? | 0:18:14 | 0:18:16 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:18:16 | 0:18:17 | |
Well, ordeals. This particular ordeal involved... | 0:18:17 | 0:18:22 | |
two people had a quarrel | 0:18:22 | 0:18:24 | |
and they both had to make the shape of a cross, you see, and stay there. | 0:18:24 | 0:18:29 | |
-I don't know what that's about. -What's happening there?! | 0:18:29 | 0:18:32 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:18:32 | 0:18:33 | |
Someone said he's got a small penis and they're just checking. | 0:18:33 | 0:18:36 | |
Yeah. Are you a real doctor? | 0:18:36 | 0:18:38 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:18:38 | 0:18:39 | |
It was called Judicium Crucis, "the justice of the cross" in Latin. | 0:18:39 | 0:18:43 | |
And, basically, it's a bit like those school punishments | 0:18:43 | 0:18:46 | |
where they make you do that, if you ever did that. | 0:18:46 | 0:18:48 | |
And the one who just dropped his hands first was wrong. | 0:18:48 | 0:18:50 | |
And it happened to the Archbishop of Paris with the Abbot of St Denis, | 0:18:50 | 0:18:54 | |
only they would use champions to do it for them, | 0:18:54 | 0:18:56 | |
so they would say, "You on my behalf | 0:18:56 | 0:18:59 | |
"stand for as long as you can in a cross," | 0:18:59 | 0:19:01 | |
and, in this case, the Archbishop of Paris won. | 0:19:01 | 0:19:04 | |
It's a pity you have to nominate somebody, | 0:19:04 | 0:19:05 | |
cos if you didn't, you could just pick on old people in those days, you know... | 0:19:05 | 0:19:09 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:19:09 | 0:19:10 | |
I won. It would be brilliant. | 0:19:10 | 0:19:12 | |
You could have ordeal by tickling, they genuinely had all kinds of ordeals, | 0:19:12 | 0:19:15 | |
ordeals by water, ordeals by fire and so on. | 0:19:15 | 0:19:18 | |
But there is a car game... | 0:19:18 | 0:19:19 | |
Is it that one where you have got to keep your hand on the car? | 0:19:19 | 0:19:22 | |
-Ah! -Yeah, and then the last one wins it. | 0:19:22 | 0:19:24 | |
-You see, you do know it. -Yes, I do. | 0:19:24 | 0:19:26 | |
Dale Winton presented, I think on Channel 5... | 0:19:26 | 0:19:28 | |
That rings a bell, yeah. | 0:19:28 | 0:19:29 | |
..an endurance game show based on a Japanese original | 0:19:29 | 0:19:32 | |
called Touch The Truck. | 0:19:32 | 0:19:34 | |
That's Dale there, on top of it. | 0:19:34 | 0:19:37 | |
I'd love to watch that. Just loads of people touching a car and then, that's it. | 0:19:37 | 0:19:40 | |
-Yeah. -For an hour. | 0:19:40 | 0:19:42 | |
For an hour? 81 hours. It's because... | 0:19:42 | 0:19:45 | |
Well, I'd Sky Plus it and fast forward through it. | 0:19:45 | 0:19:47 | |
Yeah, I was going to say. It's basically the last one to give up on touching the truck. | 0:19:47 | 0:19:51 | |
-It doesn't do anything, you just stand... -No, you have to touch it. | 0:19:51 | 0:19:54 | |
Yeah, it's going 80 mile an hour. | 0:19:54 | 0:19:55 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:19:55 | 0:19:57 | |
-Now, that would be a game. -Now, that's a game show. | 0:19:57 | 0:19:59 | |
You were allowed... | 0:19:59 | 0:20:01 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:20:01 | 0:20:02 | |
You were allowed a ten-minute break every two hours | 0:20:02 | 0:20:05 | |
and 15 minutes every six hours. | 0:20:05 | 0:20:07 | |
But this is made-up, no-one would put their hands on... | 0:20:07 | 0:20:09 | |
If you fell asleep, you were disqualified, | 0:20:09 | 0:20:11 | |
so you had to stay awake. | 0:20:11 | 0:20:13 | |
You couldn't just lie on the car with your hand on it, | 0:20:13 | 0:20:15 | |
so you had to be consciously touching it. | 0:20:15 | 0:20:17 | |
And if, the idea was, the last person left touching it won it. | 0:20:17 | 0:20:21 | |
And the winner, you'll probably want to know all about him, I expect, | 0:20:21 | 0:20:24 | |
he won the truck, obviously, and he sold it, | 0:20:24 | 0:20:28 | |
in order to raise funds to stand as a political... | 0:20:28 | 0:20:31 | |
-For arm surgery. -No. | 0:20:31 | 0:20:33 | |
..to stand as a political candidate. | 0:20:33 | 0:20:35 | |
He stood for Kingston and Surbiton at the 2001 general election. | 0:20:35 | 0:20:38 | |
There was a turn-out of 49,093 people and he secured 54 votes. | 0:20:38 | 0:20:44 | |
Wow. | 0:20:44 | 0:20:46 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:20:46 | 0:20:47 | |
We do it in New Zealand, | 0:20:47 | 0:20:49 | |
that's a radio show contest that quite often happens. | 0:20:49 | 0:20:51 | |
-Yeah, we're probably the last country still doing it. -I have to say... | 0:20:51 | 0:20:55 | |
That's the only way you can get your cars, back in New Zealand. | 0:20:55 | 0:20:57 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:20:57 | 0:20:59 | |
Doing it on radio sounds even weirder to me, I have to say. | 0:20:59 | 0:21:01 | |
They're still touching it. They're still touching it... | 0:21:01 | 0:21:04 | |
Do you have to drum on it? | 0:21:04 | 0:21:05 | |
No, they interview the people who are touching the car. | 0:21:05 | 0:21:08 | |
So, "I've got John here, how's it going? | 0:21:08 | 0:21:10 | |
"Ah, good, I'm still touching it." You know. | 0:21:10 | 0:21:12 | |
"How many hours now? Seven." | 0:21:12 | 0:21:14 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:21:14 | 0:21:16 | |
Anyway, that's it, | 0:21:16 | 0:21:17 | |
that's basically a game show inspired by a dark ages... | 0:21:17 | 0:21:20 | |
-Endurance sort of thing. -..endurance test, yeah. Extraordinary, isn't it? | 0:21:20 | 0:21:23 | |
What sentence would you recommend in Jedward Justice? | 0:21:23 | 0:21:28 | |
-Life. -Life! | 0:21:28 | 0:21:30 | |
I feel very sorry for Rhys, we're giving you all kinds of cultural references | 0:21:30 | 0:21:33 | |
that can mean nothing to you. Have you heard of Jedward? | 0:21:33 | 0:21:36 | |
Are they judges? | 0:21:36 | 0:21:37 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:21:37 | 0:21:39 | |
-They look very young. -They are, I believe, Irish. | 0:21:39 | 0:21:41 | |
-Are they twins or just brothers? -They're conjoined twin judges. | 0:21:41 | 0:21:44 | |
-Are they, they're not conjoined, are they? -Well, they've done well, haven't they? | 0:21:44 | 0:21:48 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:21:48 | 0:21:49 | |
-Sorry. I didn't know! -Yes. | 0:21:49 | 0:21:51 | |
That's the whole thing about them, that they're conjoined. | 0:21:51 | 0:21:54 | |
-Oh, they are Siamese twins, are they? -They're conjoined twins, yeah. | 0:21:54 | 0:21:57 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:21:57 | 0:22:00 | |
-Is he having me on? He's having me on. -No, it looks like they are. | 0:22:00 | 0:22:02 | |
-Come on! -Who has the arm in the middle? | 0:22:02 | 0:22:05 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:22:05 | 0:22:07 | |
They do look a little strange, I have to say, | 0:22:07 | 0:22:09 | |
but that's probably because of the wig business. | 0:22:09 | 0:22:11 | |
No, no, nothing to do with the wig. | 0:22:11 | 0:22:13 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:22:13 | 0:22:14 | |
-Right, OK. -The wig's got nothing to do with it. | 0:22:14 | 0:22:16 | |
There really is such a thing as Jedward Justice. This pre-dates these twinsters. | 0:22:16 | 0:22:20 | |
-Maybe that's where they got their name from. -Oh, I don't think so. | 0:22:20 | 0:22:22 | |
This is a town which was originally called Jedward, | 0:22:22 | 0:22:25 | |
and then it changed its name to Jedburgh. | 0:22:25 | 0:22:28 | |
It still exists. Jedburgh, you may have heard of it? | 0:22:28 | 0:22:30 | |
-In the northeast. -It is, it's on the Borders, in fact. | 0:22:30 | 0:22:33 | |
It's a Border town, and that's the clue, really. | 0:22:33 | 0:22:35 | |
But the Borders, as you know, | 0:22:35 | 0:22:37 | |
suffered, throughout history, incursions and raids from England... | 0:22:37 | 0:22:40 | |
From the rain. | 0:22:40 | 0:22:41 | |
..raiding through Scotland, stealing and vice versa. | 0:22:41 | 0:22:45 | |
And they were often summarily hanged without a trial. | 0:22:45 | 0:22:49 | |
And it was known as Jedward Justice. | 0:22:49 | 0:22:51 | |
And our name for that, where someone is especially killed without a trial | 0:22:51 | 0:22:55 | |
is... What word do we use for that? | 0:22:55 | 0:22:57 | |
-Oh, a lynch mob. -Lynch, lynch, lynch. | 0:22:57 | 0:22:59 | |
Now, where does the word lynch, why is it called lynch? | 0:22:59 | 0:23:01 | |
I have absolutely no idea. | 0:23:01 | 0:23:03 | |
Well, there's a claim to the origin of the term lynch, | 0:23:03 | 0:23:07 | |
which is a man called James Lynch Fitzstephen, | 0:23:07 | 0:23:10 | |
who was the mayor of Galway, in Ireland. | 0:23:10 | 0:23:12 | |
And he hanged his own son from the balcony of his house | 0:23:12 | 0:23:16 | |
after convicting him of the murder of a Spanish visitor in 1493. | 0:23:16 | 0:23:20 | |
-So that's pretty bold, isn't it? -Wow. | 0:23:20 | 0:23:23 | |
A bike... | 0:23:23 | 0:23:24 | |
It's extreme. "He learnt his lesson. He never did it again." | 0:23:24 | 0:23:28 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:23:28 | 0:23:29 | |
No. | 0:23:29 | 0:23:30 | |
Did you say hanged his own son for stealing a bike? | 0:23:30 | 0:23:33 | |
-No. -No! -Did you, what did you think I said? -Did you nod off? | 0:23:33 | 0:23:36 | |
I misheard you, because I'm so hungry, I don't know what I'm saying. | 0:23:36 | 0:23:39 | |
-No, for killing a... -I can't concentrate when I'm hungry. -..killing a Spaniard. | 0:23:39 | 0:23:42 | |
-For killing a Spanish visitor, yeah, a Spaniard. -Has anyone got any food? | 0:23:42 | 0:23:45 | |
-He killed... -Do you not listen to...? -No, he doesn't. | 0:23:45 | 0:23:48 | |
-I'm starving hungry. -Are you? | 0:23:48 | 0:23:49 | |
And now I can't concentrate because I'm having a blood sugar crash. | 0:23:49 | 0:23:52 | |
I hope you never get called up for jury service | 0:23:52 | 0:23:54 | |
and you're hungry in the afternoon. | 0:23:54 | 0:23:56 | |
What was it, killed a Spaniard or stole a bike? | 0:23:56 | 0:23:59 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:23:59 | 0:24:01 | |
It's quite an important difference. | 0:24:01 | 0:24:03 | |
-I'm starving. -Yeah... -Can I have an apple? | 0:24:03 | 0:24:05 | |
-Where did that come from? -I don't know. -Stole a bike? -He was, your mind was wandering. | 0:24:05 | 0:24:09 | |
I was just drifting off, I was thinking about pasta. | 0:24:09 | 0:24:12 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:24:12 | 0:24:13 | |
When his brain sugar drops, | 0:24:13 | 0:24:14 | |
I'm afraid all kinds of weird things start to happen. | 0:24:14 | 0:24:18 | |
Has no-one got something to eat here? Can we not... | 0:24:18 | 0:24:20 | |
-Are you bringing something down? -Here you are. | 0:24:20 | 0:24:22 | |
-Thank you very much. -What have we got? | 0:24:22 | 0:24:24 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:24:24 | 0:24:26 | |
-Some homemade flapjacks. -Oh, flapjacks! | 0:24:29 | 0:24:32 | |
-Flapjacks. -Yes! Thank you. | 0:24:32 | 0:24:34 | |
-Can I have a kiss? -Yeah, go on. -Oh, she has to have a kiss. | 0:24:34 | 0:24:38 | |
Very good. | 0:24:38 | 0:24:39 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:24:39 | 0:24:43 | |
Have you got something to eat for Stephen as well? | 0:24:43 | 0:24:46 | |
-No, no, honestly, I'm fine. -When was the bicycle invented? | 0:24:46 | 0:24:48 | |
-It wasn't invented in 1493, was it? So it's doubly... -No, it wasn't. | 0:24:48 | 0:24:51 | |
Doubly ridiculous. | 0:24:51 | 0:24:52 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:24:52 | 0:24:54 | |
I love the fact that you were questioning Alan's, | 0:24:54 | 0:24:56 | |
as if Alan's mind works on logical rails. | 0:24:56 | 0:25:00 | |
He wouldn't be found guilty of that. | 0:25:00 | 0:25:02 | |
"Stole me bike. You what? I don't know." | 0:25:02 | 0:25:05 | |
-Don't even know what one is. -Don't know what it is. | 0:25:05 | 0:25:07 | |
It should be just enough sugar to get your mind | 0:25:07 | 0:25:09 | |
to tell the difference between somebody murdering a Spaniard and stealing bikes. | 0:25:09 | 0:25:13 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:25:13 | 0:25:14 | |
Before the invention of the bike. | 0:25:14 | 0:25:15 | |
Yeah, exactly. All right. | 0:25:15 | 0:25:17 | |
-Let's just do the question again, come on. -No, no. | 0:25:17 | 0:25:19 | |
-LAUGHTER -You don't get away with it that easily. | 0:25:19 | 0:25:22 | |
Anyway, moving on, why should you never leave a judge in a room on his own? | 0:25:22 | 0:25:27 | |
He might sentence himself. | 0:25:28 | 0:25:31 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:25:31 | 0:25:33 | |
-As it were. -As it were. -As 't were, yeah. | 0:25:34 | 0:25:36 | |
-You're not allowed to. Well, if you're a barrister, you're not allowed to. -That's right. | 0:25:38 | 0:25:42 | |
I used to work at the Crown Courts in Manchester, as a... | 0:25:42 | 0:25:46 | |
As the accused. LAUGHTER | 0:25:46 | 0:25:50 | |
-No, my dad and auntie were stenographers. -Oh, right! | 0:25:50 | 0:25:53 | |
-So I used to, over the summer... -Oh, they used those machines. Oh, my goodness! -That sort of palaver. | 0:25:53 | 0:25:58 | |
And if you were the last barrister knocking about, | 0:25:58 | 0:26:00 | |
you weren't allowed to leave if the judge was still in. | 0:26:00 | 0:26:04 | |
Exactly right. It's called dressing the judge. | 0:26:04 | 0:26:07 | |
You don't actually dress him, it's just known as dressing the judge. | 0:26:07 | 0:26:10 | |
Smug looking lot there, aren't they? | 0:26:10 | 0:26:12 | |
The one at the back's had a lovely moment. | 0:26:12 | 0:26:15 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:15 | 0:26:18 | |
He really is... It's a bit of a bliss-out, isn't it? | 0:26:18 | 0:26:21 | |
He's really very happy. But in fact, in actual terms of dressing a judge, | 0:26:21 | 0:26:24 | |
it's a very expensive business. | 0:26:24 | 0:26:26 | |
The High Court judges' attire can amount to £14,920. | 0:26:26 | 0:26:31 | |
That's quite expensive for your work year. | 0:26:31 | 0:26:33 | |
It includes the cost of two scarlet robes like this, and a silk one. | 0:26:33 | 0:26:37 | |
The horse hair wig costs £1,295. | 0:26:37 | 0:26:41 | |
They have court britches with buckles at £665. | 0:26:41 | 0:26:43 | |
Stockings, suspenders. | 0:26:43 | 0:26:45 | |
-Well, they do have to wear stockings. -Bras. | 0:26:45 | 0:26:48 | |
When you take silk, you have to wear | 0:26:48 | 0:26:50 | |
two pairs of stockings as a barrister, and the reason for that | 0:26:50 | 0:26:52 | |
is that Queen Victoria was very offended by the sight of | 0:26:52 | 0:26:55 | |
-men's hairs sticking out from their legs through the silk tights. -JASON: That is horrible. | 0:26:55 | 0:27:00 | |
So they have to wear two pairs of tights so their hairs didn't stick out. | 0:27:00 | 0:27:03 | |
And this tradition continues to today. Isn't that interesting? | 0:27:03 | 0:27:06 | |
-Yes, it is, Stephen. Thank you. Good. -LAUGHTER | 0:27:06 | 0:27:08 | |
But the wig sort of doubles up now. | 0:27:08 | 0:27:10 | |
I don't know if it's always been the case, but in a sort of Superman type disguise, | 0:27:10 | 0:27:16 | |
if you ever see a judge out of his wig and robe, he looks completely different. | 0:27:16 | 0:27:21 | |
So he can sort of have a little wonder around Manchester city centre | 0:27:21 | 0:27:24 | |
even though everyone hates him, and no-one knows that it is him. | 0:27:24 | 0:27:26 | |
That is one of the reasons they cling on to this whole business, | 0:27:26 | 0:27:29 | |
they say it gives them a kind of anonymity. | 0:27:29 | 0:27:32 | |
-Barristers are not allowed to shake hands with each other either. -I didn't know that. That's a good one. | 0:27:32 | 0:27:36 | |
They're not allowed to shake hands with each other. | 0:27:36 | 0:27:39 | |
-RHYS: -They fist pump, do they? | 0:27:39 | 0:27:41 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:27:41 | 0:27:43 | |
Out-of-court, they don't shake hands with each other. | 0:27:43 | 0:27:46 | |
-How interesting! -I think it must be down to just, well, if he's looking after me, | 0:27:46 | 0:27:50 | |
I don't want to see him fraternising with the enemy, sort of thing. | 0:27:50 | 0:27:53 | |
Do you know about this one? If you're not properly dressed as a barrister, | 0:27:53 | 0:27:56 | |
if you've not got the right black-and-white, | 0:27:56 | 0:27:58 | |
or you're wearing a colourful tie or something like that, the judge, as it were, can't see you. | 0:27:58 | 0:28:03 | |
-Oh, right. -He actually says, "I cannot see you." | 0:28:03 | 0:28:06 | |
Also, "I cannot hear you." | 0:28:06 | 0:28:08 | |
If he's not properly dressed. "I cannot hear you". | 0:28:08 | 0:28:10 | |
You can shout as loud as you like, if he's not properly dressed, | 0:28:10 | 0:28:13 | |
-"I can't see you." -LAUGHTER | 0:28:13 | 0:28:16 | |
"Can't hear you." | 0:28:16 | 0:28:18 | |
All of that. | 0:28:18 | 0:28:20 | |
So until they wear the right clothes they cannot be seen or heard by the judge. | 0:28:20 | 0:28:23 | |
Weird situation if you didn't know what item of clothing you had on | 0:28:23 | 0:28:26 | |
-that was offending him. -Yes. -And you'd be going, "Is it the bow tie, is it...?" | 0:28:26 | 0:28:30 | |
And then the second you took it off, he went "Hello!" | 0:28:30 | 0:28:33 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:28:33 | 0:28:36 | |
-There you are! -They're you are! | 0:28:36 | 0:28:38 | |
Anyway, now, what happened when the biggest miser in the land forgot his reading glasses? | 0:28:38 | 0:28:43 | |
He made an error in which he gave away his fortune, | 0:28:43 | 0:28:46 | |
or something happened...? | 0:28:46 | 0:28:48 | |
No. Because he had forgotten his glasses, | 0:28:48 | 0:28:50 | |
he wasn't able to sign a document, because he couldn't see. | 0:28:50 | 0:28:53 | |
So he said, "I'll take the document and I'll sign it at home." | 0:28:53 | 0:28:55 | |
What might that document have been? | 0:28:55 | 0:28:57 | |
-His will maybe? -His will, yes. | 0:28:57 | 0:29:00 | |
So, there he is, he's got his will, he said, | 0:29:00 | 0:29:02 | |
"Oh, I'll take it home and sign it at home." | 0:29:02 | 0:29:05 | |
-He got home... -Died. -Yes. | 0:29:05 | 0:29:07 | |
CHUCKLING | 0:29:07 | 0:29:09 | |
Now, that case... | 0:29:09 | 0:29:10 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:29:10 | 0:29:12 | |
His name... His name was Jennens and he was very, very rich, | 0:29:12 | 0:29:16 | |
and he had quite a lot of family. | 0:29:16 | 0:29:18 | |
So there was a case called Jennens v Jennens, | 0:29:18 | 0:29:20 | |
or as a lawyer would say, Jennens and Jennens. | 0:29:20 | 0:29:22 | |
And it started in 1798, when he died, | 0:29:22 | 0:29:26 | |
and it ended in 1915. | 0:29:26 | 0:29:30 | |
Wow. | 0:29:30 | 0:29:31 | |
-Wow. -Why did it end? | 0:29:31 | 0:29:32 | |
The jury all died. | 0:29:32 | 0:29:34 | |
-No. -The Jennens died? | 0:29:34 | 0:29:36 | |
-No. -Oh, they found his glasses. | 0:29:36 | 0:29:38 | |
Because... | 0:29:38 | 0:29:39 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:29:39 | 0:29:41 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:29:41 | 0:29:45 | |
It died for the same reason that the fictional version of this case, | 0:29:48 | 0:29:52 | |
that Charles Dickens made famous in his novel Bleak House, | 0:29:52 | 0:29:55 | |
Jarndyce versus Jarndyce, | 0:29:55 | 0:29:57 | |
which he based exactly on this story, for the same reason. | 0:29:57 | 0:30:00 | |
The estate ran out of money. | 0:30:00 | 0:30:02 | |
The lawyers had used up every penny of the estate. | 0:30:02 | 0:30:05 | |
Wow. | 0:30:05 | 0:30:06 | |
That... Doesn't that tell you everything you need to know, | 0:30:06 | 0:30:08 | |
and Bleak House, of course, | 0:30:08 | 0:30:10 | |
which is one of Dickens' absolute masterpieces, | 0:30:10 | 0:30:12 | |
has this court case running through it, Jarndyce versus Jarndyce. | 0:30:12 | 0:30:16 | |
And it's been going for dozens of years in Chancery. | 0:30:16 | 0:30:18 | |
But he wrote that in 1852. | 0:30:18 | 0:30:21 | |
And this Jennens case had been going on for 54 years. | 0:30:21 | 0:30:25 | |
And Dickens was little to know | 0:30:25 | 0:30:26 | |
that it was to carry on going till the First World War! | 0:30:26 | 0:30:30 | |
I mean staggering, isn't it? | 0:30:30 | 0:30:31 | |
And all because the man forgot to sign his will, | 0:30:31 | 0:30:33 | |
these people were so desperate, so rapacious. | 0:30:33 | 0:30:36 | |
They didn't forget that he'd died. | 0:30:36 | 0:30:38 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:30:38 | 0:30:41 | |
-Here there are. -There they are. | 0:30:41 | 0:30:43 | |
Must be very good glasses if they're going to help you read that book. | 0:30:43 | 0:30:47 | |
Have you done your wills? Have you had that chat? | 0:30:47 | 0:30:50 | |
It's actually depressing. | 0:30:50 | 0:30:52 | |
We had a lady come round to the house and sat down with her. | 0:30:52 | 0:30:55 | |
And because she's so used to talking about death, | 0:30:55 | 0:30:57 | |
she's sort of, like, not bothered about it. | 0:30:57 | 0:31:00 | |
-Nonchalant. -Yeah, I'd say so. And she sat there and she said, | 0:31:00 | 0:31:03 | |
"Right, so if you die, where do you want your money and house and all that to go to?" | 0:31:03 | 0:31:06 | |
I said, "Well, the wife and kids and that." She said, "And if you and your wife both die?" | 0:31:06 | 0:31:10 | |
I said, "Er..." | 0:31:10 | 0:31:11 | |
-RHYS: -Steady on! | 0:31:11 | 0:31:13 | |
"Well, just, the kids, and then maybe kids go with my brother and that." | 0:31:13 | 0:31:17 | |
-And then she said, "And if you and the kids." -The whole family are wiped out. | 0:31:17 | 0:31:20 | |
I said, "I'd like to spend some money on some sort of inquest, to be honest." | 0:31:20 | 0:31:24 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:31:24 | 0:31:26 | |
See what the hell went on, wiped a family of five off the planet. | 0:31:26 | 0:31:30 | |
Mine was a bit more circumspect. They kept finding different words for die. | 0:31:30 | 0:31:35 | |
"And if you both...go." | 0:31:35 | 0:31:37 | |
-LAUGHTER -Perish. -Depart. | 0:31:37 | 0:31:40 | |
If you're both gathered to the bosom of Abraham. | 0:31:40 | 0:31:43 | |
-LAUGHTER -well, I suppose as their job, isn't it? | 0:31:43 | 0:31:47 | |
I think I've made a will, I can't remember. | 0:31:47 | 0:31:49 | |
-You can have my collection of Wagner records. -Oh, thanks. That's very kind. | 0:31:49 | 0:31:52 | |
-Make him sign it now. -LAUGHTER | 0:31:52 | 0:31:55 | |
You'll be very keen for me not to sign it, I suspect. | 0:31:55 | 0:31:59 | |
No, he was considered the richest commoner in the land, | 0:31:59 | 0:32:01 | |
i.e. the richest non-aristocrat, and he lived in Grosvenor Square | 0:32:01 | 0:32:04 | |
in a very sumptuous and beautiful house, except he lived | 0:32:04 | 0:32:07 | |
in two tiny little rooms in the cellar, and kept the sumptuous rooms | 0:32:07 | 0:32:10 | |
because he charged visitors to be shown round them. | 0:32:10 | 0:32:13 | |
That's how much of a miser he was. | 0:32:13 | 0:32:15 | |
If only three ghosts would have visited him. | 0:32:15 | 0:32:18 | |
That would have sorted it out. "Give me the biggest turkey in the window!" | 0:32:18 | 0:32:21 | |
Exactly right, exactly. Tiny Tim last of all. | 0:32:21 | 0:32:24 | |
Anyway, where would you find a precocious toddler, | 0:32:24 | 0:32:28 | |
a fertile octogenarian and a moron in a hurry? | 0:32:28 | 0:32:31 | |
Is that on...? | 0:32:31 | 0:32:32 | |
GUILLOTINE | 0:32:32 | 0:32:34 | |
-Buckingham Palace. -Oh! | 0:32:34 | 0:32:36 | |
Yeah, like the Celebrity Big Brother. | 0:32:36 | 0:32:38 | |
Is that, are they calling Lee Evans a moron there? That seems very tough. | 0:32:38 | 0:32:41 | |
No, he's the precocious toddler in that. | 0:32:41 | 0:32:43 | |
Oh, I see, fair enough, fair enough. Phew. | 0:32:43 | 0:32:46 | |
Again, this is in law. A moron in a hurry? | 0:32:46 | 0:32:48 | |
-Well, we've all been that. -Yes, we have. These are sort of fictional types of people. | 0:32:48 | 0:32:54 | |
-That they use in law language. -That they use in law. | 0:32:54 | 0:32:57 | |
The most famous one is the man on the Clapham...? | 0:32:57 | 0:33:00 | |
Omnibus. | 0:33:00 | 0:33:01 | |
-Omnibus... -That's to do with advertising. | 0:33:01 | 0:33:04 | |
-..i.e. what we would call the man... No, it's just the man in the street. -Oh, I see. | 0:33:04 | 0:33:07 | |
English common law is based on the idea of the reasonable man. | 0:33:07 | 0:33:10 | |
What would a reasonable person think? You know. | 0:33:10 | 0:33:12 | |
The man on the Clapham omnibus is not stupid, | 0:33:12 | 0:33:14 | |
but he's not a professor of astrophysics. | 0:33:14 | 0:33:17 | |
He's not a moron in a hurry, | 0:33:17 | 0:33:18 | |
he's just an ordinary sensible citizen, | 0:33:18 | 0:33:21 | |
and that is used as a standard by judges. | 0:33:21 | 0:33:24 | |
And a moron in a hurry is used as a standard | 0:33:24 | 0:33:27 | |
for another kind of problem in law that might come up. | 0:33:27 | 0:33:30 | |
It's in the area of passing off. Do you know what I mean by passing off? | 0:33:30 | 0:33:33 | |
-Like logos or something? -Yeah. So, expand. | 0:33:33 | 0:33:36 | |
Almost like false advertising, or maybe plagiarism. | 0:33:36 | 0:33:40 | |
-That's more like it. As it were, product plagiarism. -Yes. | 0:33:40 | 0:33:43 | |
Suppose I brought out something called Boca Bola, | 0:33:43 | 0:33:45 | |
and it was in a can exactly like, | 0:33:45 | 0:33:47 | |
with the same lettering and the same patterning, that would be against the law. | 0:33:47 | 0:33:51 | |
So would the moron in a hurry... | 0:33:51 | 0:33:52 | |
A moron in a hurry probably, would he notice that? | 0:33:52 | 0:33:55 | |
If it was green not red, he would notice. Even a moron in a hurry would notice, | 0:33:55 | 0:34:00 | |
that would not count as passing off. | 0:34:00 | 0:34:02 | |
But if it was very similar and he thought, "Oh, I'm buying a can of Coke." | 0:34:02 | 0:34:06 | |
That's passing off, you know, because you don't have to look very hard, | 0:34:06 | 0:34:09 | |
you can just quickly see it seems to be the same thing. | 0:34:09 | 0:34:12 | |
So that's just used as a sort of type. | 0:34:12 | 0:34:14 | |
You've got to be careful there, | 0:34:14 | 0:34:16 | |
because you've also got people who are not very observant. | 0:34:16 | 0:34:19 | |
-Well, there is that, of course. -You know, I mean that's, that's me. | 0:34:19 | 0:34:22 | |
Are you not an observant person? | 0:34:22 | 0:34:23 | |
Sometimes, well, yes, | 0:34:23 | 0:34:24 | |
when I was in the army there was an observation trail we had to do, | 0:34:24 | 0:34:27 | |
and you had to walk through the bush and they put all these things, | 0:34:27 | 0:34:30 | |
and you had to go through and have a look, | 0:34:30 | 0:34:32 | |
and then, when you came out the other end of the bush, | 0:34:32 | 0:34:34 | |
the sergeant would ask you, "What sort of things did you see?" | 0:34:34 | 0:34:37 | |
And I told him I saw three things, | 0:34:37 | 0:34:40 | |
including the cone which marked the exit. So... | 0:34:40 | 0:34:43 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:34:43 | 0:34:45 | |
..it was really just two things I saw, | 0:34:45 | 0:34:47 | |
and there were 17 things in the bush. | 0:34:47 | 0:34:50 | |
And one of those was a tank. So... | 0:34:50 | 0:34:53 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:34:53 | 0:34:56 | |
But, you know, my excuse was a lot of it was camouflaged. | 0:34:56 | 0:35:00 | |
Yeah. That's good. | 0:35:00 | 0:35:03 | |
-But I'm not a moron in a hurry. -No. -Because I took a long time. | 0:35:03 | 0:35:06 | |
You were a simple moron. | 0:35:06 | 0:35:08 | |
-Three times the length of time. -A casual moron. Yeah. -Yeah. | 0:35:08 | 0:35:11 | |
So you'd be a fertile octogenarian then, in that. | 0:35:11 | 0:35:15 | |
Yes. And the fertile octogenarian is a fictitious character | 0:35:15 | 0:35:18 | |
that presumes that anyone, even an octogenarian, can parent a child. | 0:35:18 | 0:35:21 | |
-So they're these kind of archetypes and... -What's the kid, why is she in a mood? -Precocious toddler. | 0:35:21 | 0:35:26 | |
-It's like a fertile octogenarian at the other end of the scale. -Oh, OK. | 0:35:26 | 0:35:30 | |
To be fair, she's not a toddler, she's a bit older than that. | 0:35:30 | 0:35:33 | |
She is, she looks jolly cross, doesn't she? Jolly cross. | 0:35:33 | 0:35:36 | |
Anyway, not in the realm of fiction, and certainly not legal, | 0:35:36 | 0:35:39 | |
can you explain this? | 0:35:39 | 0:35:41 | |
Two people claim to have had sex on the moon. | 0:35:41 | 0:35:45 | |
Who are they, how did they do it? | 0:35:45 | 0:35:48 | |
-Well, they are clearly under the moon. -LAUGHTER | 0:35:48 | 0:35:53 | |
Yes, they are rather, aren't they? | 0:35:53 | 0:35:55 | |
It's not Armstrong and Aldrin. | 0:35:55 | 0:35:57 | |
JASON: Well, we hope not. It's not the astronauts. | 0:35:57 | 0:36:00 | |
BRIAN: It's no-one that's actually been there. | 0:36:00 | 0:36:02 | |
Not on the moon itself, but are there any bits of the moon on earth? | 0:36:02 | 0:36:06 | |
-Moon rock. Yeah, moon rock. -Yes. | 0:36:06 | 0:36:07 | |
In the spring of 2002, an intern at NASA at the Johnson Space Center in Houston, | 0:36:07 | 0:36:12 | |
three interns, stole the whole safe full of rock samples there. | 0:36:12 | 0:36:17 | |
The ringleader, Thad Roberts, and his accomplice with the wonderful name of Tiffany Fowler, | 0:36:17 | 0:36:23 | |
apparently spread the rocks on a bed | 0:36:23 | 0:36:27 | |
and did it on the rocks. | 0:36:27 | 0:36:29 | |
-That doesn't sound... It's horrible. -They got their rocks off on the rock. | 0:36:29 | 0:36:34 | |
It does sound uncomfortable, but it's certainly unique. | 0:36:34 | 0:36:36 | |
I don't suppose any other couple on earth can claim | 0:36:36 | 0:36:39 | |
to have shagged on the moon, or at least on bits of the moon. | 0:36:39 | 0:36:41 | |
-I think I own a bit of the moon. -You own a bit of the moon? | 0:36:41 | 0:36:44 | |
Yeah, someone got it me once for my birthday. | 0:36:44 | 0:36:46 | |
Oh, it's like having a star named after you. | 0:36:46 | 0:36:48 | |
-I don't know how legitimate it is. I'm just waiting for Branson to sort it out. -Yes. | 0:36:48 | 0:36:52 | |
-Then I'll go up there and have a little look. -You'll probably know more about this than I do, | 0:36:52 | 0:36:55 | |
but Virgin Atlantic is not the only company that's seeking | 0:36:55 | 0:36:59 | |
to offer at least a journey out of the atmosphere, | 0:36:59 | 0:37:02 | |
but it'll be quite a short time out of the atmosphere, won't it? | 0:37:02 | 0:37:05 | |
Yeah, you're up there for a few minutes. | 0:37:05 | 0:37:07 | |
It'll cost a lot, but would you consider doing it? | 0:37:07 | 0:37:11 | |
-I would, undoubtedly, yeah. -It's more of a thrill ride, isn't it? | 0:37:11 | 0:37:14 | |
About two and a half minutes and then you come down. | 0:37:14 | 0:37:17 | |
-Like the vomit comet, which is where you plunge down. -I did that. | 0:37:17 | 0:37:20 | |
Oh, yes, you did, on your show, so you did. Yes, absolutely. | 0:37:20 | 0:37:24 | |
And that's remarkable. | 0:37:24 | 0:37:25 | |
I have to say, I watched it and I admired you, you did very well. | 0:37:25 | 0:37:29 | |
-But I was really admiring the cameraman. -Spinning around. | 0:37:29 | 0:37:33 | |
Yes, managing to keep you in shot, which can't have been easy. | 0:37:33 | 0:37:35 | |
But there will be bits of the moon other than the bits that were brought back | 0:37:35 | 0:37:39 | |
on the surface of the earth. | 0:37:39 | 0:37:40 | |
There's quite a lot of moon and Mars, because you get meteorites... | 0:37:40 | 0:37:44 | |
-Of course! -..that enter the earth's atmosphere, and it may be apocryphal, | 0:37:44 | 0:37:48 | |
-but there's a story of a piece of Mars hitting a dog in Egypt and killed the dog. -Really? | 0:37:48 | 0:37:54 | |
-Yeah. What are the chances? The unlucky dog. -Poor dog! | 0:37:54 | 0:37:57 | |
But it's one of the Martian meteorites, one of the famous Martian meteorites. | 0:37:57 | 0:38:00 | |
-Presumably it ended his life, coming in at quite a speed. -Yes. | 0:38:00 | 0:38:03 | |
-Did it go, "bonk", "arf!"? -LAUGHTER | 0:38:03 | 0:38:07 | |
-Would have been good if he'd caught it. -LAUGTER | 0:38:07 | 0:38:09 | |
There's also story of a woman whose leg was broken by a meteorite. | 0:38:09 | 0:38:12 | |
She was in bed and one came through her roof and broke her leg. | 0:38:12 | 0:38:16 | |
Brian, is the moon the same all the way through, or is the surface different from the rest? | 0:38:16 | 0:38:21 | |
It's not got an iron core, because it's thought to have been blasted off the edge of the Earth | 0:38:21 | 0:38:27 | |
by a collision early on in the formation of the solar system. | 0:38:27 | 0:38:31 | |
Did they go down very far, the Apollo astronauts, when they were collecting samples? | 0:38:31 | 0:38:34 | |
-No, they just scooped it off the surface. -Into a sack and off they went. -Yeah. | 0:38:34 | 0:38:39 | |
That's some of the evidence that tells you that the moon was | 0:38:39 | 0:38:42 | |
blasted off the earth at some point in the past, | 0:38:42 | 0:38:44 | |
because the composition of the rock is very similar. | 0:38:44 | 0:38:46 | |
Anyway, I should point out that the story that Thad Roberts tells of shagging on the moon, | 0:38:46 | 0:38:51 | |
not everybody believes him, some people think he's just a big, old show off, | 0:38:51 | 0:38:54 | |
and it's not true, but he certainly claims it, so who knows. | 0:38:54 | 0:38:58 | |
And finally, why would I encourage a psychopath to eyeball my crotch? | 0:38:58 | 0:39:03 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:39:03 | 0:39:05 | |
Look at that picture. I mean... | 0:39:05 | 0:39:09 | |
Wow. | 0:39:09 | 0:39:10 | |
-This is one of those that I don't think we want to know the real answer. -No. | 0:39:10 | 0:39:13 | |
It's not a nice idea. | 0:39:13 | 0:39:15 | |
Would it release the tension? | 0:39:15 | 0:39:16 | |
Well, I'm afraid we're back in the weird world of the 1960s | 0:39:16 | 0:39:20 | |
and we're in the world of theoretical psychiatry. | 0:39:20 | 0:39:25 | |
And it won't surprise you to learn that it was in California, | 0:39:25 | 0:39:28 | |
there was a psychologist called Paul Bindrim, | 0:39:28 | 0:39:31 | |
who pioneered nude psychotherapy, | 0:39:31 | 0:39:34 | |
in 1967, at a nudist resort. | 0:39:34 | 0:39:37 | |
And he devised discomforting exercises, | 0:39:37 | 0:39:39 | |
one of which was called "crotch eyeballing", | 0:39:39 | 0:39:42 | |
in which participants were instructed | 0:39:42 | 0:39:44 | |
to look at each other's genitals... | 0:39:44 | 0:39:46 | |
Oh, God! | 0:39:46 | 0:39:47 | |
..and disclose the sexual experiences they felt most guilty about, | 0:39:47 | 0:39:51 | |
while lying naked in a circle with their legs in the air. | 0:39:51 | 0:39:55 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:39:55 | 0:39:56 | |
I'm afraid there was a doctor | 0:39:56 | 0:39:58 | |
at Oak Ridge Hospital for the Criminally Insane, | 0:39:58 | 0:40:00 | |
a Canadian psychiatrist, called Elliot Barker, | 0:40:00 | 0:40:03 | |
who did a marathon nude psychotherapy session for criminal psychopaths. | 0:40:03 | 0:40:07 | |
These raw naked LSD-fuelled sessions lasted 11 days. | 0:40:07 | 0:40:12 | |
Wow. | 0:40:12 | 0:40:14 | |
11 days you'd give a psychopath LSD, take their clothes off and... | 0:40:14 | 0:40:20 | |
But you see, I believe in evidence-based medicine, | 0:40:20 | 0:40:22 | |
so if that can be shown to work, it should be available on the NHS. | 0:40:22 | 0:40:26 | |
Well, I agree. | 0:40:26 | 0:40:27 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:40:27 | 0:40:28 | |
It's not... It doesn't matter how ridiculous it is. | 0:40:28 | 0:40:30 | |
You're right, you're so right. I too am an empiricist like you. | 0:40:30 | 0:40:33 | |
You will be pleased to know that the average rate of recidivism | 0:40:33 | 0:40:37 | |
amongst psychopaths is 60%. | 0:40:37 | 0:40:40 | |
Amongst those who did that programme, it was 80%. | 0:40:40 | 0:40:43 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:40:43 | 0:40:44 | |
There we are. Therefore, it's a strong case. | 0:40:44 | 0:40:46 | |
So, we think it's a bad idea. | 0:40:46 | 0:40:48 | |
Recidivism is when you do it, the crime, again. | 0:40:48 | 0:40:50 | |
Oh, I see, I see. Yes, yes. | 0:40:50 | 0:40:52 | |
But why don't we try it? | 0:40:52 | 0:40:53 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:40:53 | 0:40:54 | |
Let's get up. Let's all get up and show each other our genitals. | 0:40:54 | 0:40:58 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:40:58 | 0:40:59 | |
Alan, come on, come on. Come on. | 0:40:59 | 0:41:02 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:41:02 | 0:41:03 | |
There's a lot of people getting cameras out, that's a bit... | 0:41:06 | 0:41:09 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:41:09 | 0:41:10 | |
Social networking. | 0:41:10 | 0:41:11 | |
He's got a very long telephoto lens as well, it's insulting. | 0:41:11 | 0:41:14 | |
You won't see mine from there, you'll have to come nearer. | 0:41:14 | 0:41:17 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:41:17 | 0:41:19 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:41:19 | 0:41:21 | |
Maybe the audience could take their clothes off as well. | 0:41:23 | 0:41:26 | |
Would you feel good about that? | 0:41:26 | 0:41:28 | |
Yeah, I'd feel more comfortable. | 0:41:28 | 0:41:29 | |
All right, OK. I hope the BBC lets us show this moment. | 0:41:29 | 0:41:32 | |
-So, one, two, three. -Trousers off! | 0:41:32 | 0:41:34 | |
BEEPING | 0:41:34 | 0:41:35 | |
Oh, dear! We, uh...seem to have a technical problem. | 0:41:35 | 0:41:39 | |
We're working to fix that as soon as we can. | 0:41:39 | 0:41:41 | |
Uh... Good, it's fixed now, so let's get straight back to QI. | 0:41:41 | 0:41:45 | |
Hopefully, we haven't missed anything quite interesting. | 0:41:45 | 0:41:48 | |
Oh, that was very good, that worked well. Very, very good. | 0:41:48 | 0:41:51 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:41:51 | 0:41:53 | |
-That was interesting. -Yeah. -Very interesting. | 0:41:53 | 0:41:56 | |
And I can see why they call you Brian Cox now. | 0:42:01 | 0:42:03 | |
Yes! | 0:42:03 | 0:42:05 | |
Absolutely. | 0:42:05 | 0:42:06 | |
-And a blue one is so weird. -Yeah, I know, all right. | 0:42:06 | 0:42:09 | |
Anyway, we've learnt a lot about each other and about the audience. | 0:42:09 | 0:42:12 | |
Thank you for participating as well, audience. How very kind. | 0:42:12 | 0:42:15 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:42:15 | 0:42:17 | |
It was very interesting, it was very revealing, and talking of revealing, | 0:42:17 | 0:42:21 | |
there is something after all to be said for crotch-eyeballing, | 0:42:21 | 0:42:24 | |
but there's a lot more to be said for score eyeballing. | 0:42:24 | 0:42:28 | |
And my goodness me, do we have some scores for you today. | 0:42:28 | 0:42:32 | |
It's hard to believe that a man of such intellect should be in last place, | 0:42:32 | 0:42:35 | |
but I'm sorry to say, on minus seven, it's Brian Cox. | 0:42:35 | 0:42:38 | |
Oh, God! | 0:42:38 | 0:42:39 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:42:39 | 0:42:43 | |
And on minus two, Janus... Janus?! | 0:42:43 | 0:42:47 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:42:47 | 0:42:48 | |
Jason, Jason Manford. | 0:42:48 | 0:42:50 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:42:50 | 0:42:53 | |
Oh, dear. | 0:42:53 | 0:42:55 | |
In second place, with a magnificent plus score of three, is Rhys Darby. | 0:42:55 | 0:42:59 | |
-Oh, well done, mate. -Thank you. -Good work. | 0:42:59 | 0:43:01 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:43:01 | 0:43:02 | |
Thank you. | 0:43:02 | 0:43:04 | |
And, can we believe it, ladies and gentlemen, | 0:43:04 | 0:43:06 | |
with a towering five inches, I mean, sorry... | 0:43:06 | 0:43:08 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:43:08 | 0:43:10 | |
..a towering five points, Alan Davies. | 0:43:10 | 0:43:12 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:43:12 | 0:43:14 | |
It only remains for me to thank Rhys, Jason, Brian and Alan | 0:43:23 | 0:43:26 | |
and may God have mercy on your souls. Good night. | 0:43:26 | 0:43:30 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:43:30 | 0:43:32 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:43:48 | 0:43:51 |