Joints QI XL


Joints

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Transcript


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APPLAUSE

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Go-oo-oo-ood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,

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good evening, good evening, good evening,

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good evening and welcome to QI, for a show all about joints.

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And joining me are the shapely ankles of Cal Wilson.

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APPLAUSE

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The sharp elbows of Jack Whitehall.

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APPLAUSE

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The cold shoulders of Jimmy Carr.

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APPLAUSE

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And hip, hip, hooray, it's Alan Davies.

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APPLAUSE

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But before we begin, let's hear your buzzers. And Jack goes...

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# The finger bone connected to the hand bone. #

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And Jimmy goes...

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# The hand bone connected to the wrist bone. #

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And Cal goes...

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# The wrist bone connected to the arm bone. #

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And Alan goes...

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# The minute you walked in the joint. #

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Oh, and then you walked in the joint.

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Joint, J for Joint.

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J for Joint, very good. Excellent. All right.

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Well, now, Alan, we're going to make your life a little easier,

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-we're going to lower the lights here.

-I can go home?

-Yeah...

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SLOW MUSIC PLAYS

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Right. Now, Alan...

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Oh, this is unfair. Alan gets a girl. I've got Jack!

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Jack's a girl.

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Steady, steady.

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I'm going to ask Alan a very specific question now.

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Can you feel your sphincter relaxing?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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It's a perfectly innocent question.

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I must say, I thought it was until you asked me.

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Well, what you might have said is, "Which sphincter?"

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Oh, of course. Oh.

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Because you may not know this, but you have many sphincters.

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Oh, I know a thing or two about sphincters.

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Tell me about sphincters.

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I once had... This may not be an appropriate story.

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I certainly hope not.

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I once had a bladder complaint, this is not STI, it was just,

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I was getting up in the middle of the night to pee.

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Why are you looking at me when you say that?

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Because I thought you would understand.

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If you go to the doctor, sometimes they say, "We're going to put a camera in and explore,"

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and it was in my bladder, there was a bit of an issue.

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So they decided to get a camera and just pop it in my bladder.

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And obviously the easiest way to get in is to, is to...

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Is through the schlong.

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Is through the schlong.

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And I thought,

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I imagined the camera would be like the width of a human hair.

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-It was like a pen.

-Ow!

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-And they fed it in, and it was about ten years ago I had this...

-What..?

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And it was about ten years ago,

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and it was a lovely nurse that was doing the procedure,

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and as she fed it, she went, "What do you do for a living?"

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Trying to start a conversation at this awkward moment.

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"What do you do for a living?" I went, "I'm a comedian."

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And she went, "Tell us a joke."

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And it is a matter of professional pride that I did.

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Oh, well done.

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They offer you the DVD, though, at the end, if they've put a camera in you, you get the DVD.

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-They do.

-But for what eventuality? My dad got one...

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YouTube.

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..of the inside of his things, but, like, when is that appropriate? At Christmas?

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"Oh, let's not watch the Great Escape this year,

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"let's watch your dad's stomach."

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The Great Escape is when they pull it out.

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Ow!

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But then, the reason I mentioned that is because there are two sphincters on the way in.

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And the painful bit is when go, "We're just going to go through the sphincter,

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"you might feel a little tightening."

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"You might feel a little something." It's got a camera in it.

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I love the way it looks like you're playing snooker or something.

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Just going to hit the camera into the...

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The point is, a sphincter is a ring of muscle that can contract

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and expand, and we'd lowered the lights so that your eye sphincters,

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your optic sphincters will have dilated your eyes, Alan.

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So your sphincters will have relaxed, we hope.

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All of my sphincters are clenched.

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There's no photographing my innards this evening.

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They can expand or contract, excite and delight.

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We have an endoscope here that you may... No, we don't, don't worry, it's all right. No, it's fine.

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You really were worried.

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I did have a similar experience to Jimmy's in New Zealand.

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I was going for a lady's examination, and so lying there with

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this doctor doing the examination and she's just tinkering away.

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And then she goes, "Haven't I seen you on Thank God You're Here?"

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Which is a TV show back home.

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And I went, "Yes, but why are you recognising me now?"

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I went to get something looked at, which was a sort of rash

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near the top of my leg, so it was a slight worry.

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It turns out it was nothing, but I didn't know that at the time,

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and I went to have it examined and he did the thing where he recognised me, but thought I was George Lamb.

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He said, "Oh, you're that guy, George Lamb."

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And I was about to correct him, but I thought,

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"If that is an STI, I'd rather him thinking

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"that George Lamb had it than I did."

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Anyway, so, you've got, the other thing is,

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you even have within your capillary system, your blood system, each has

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a little sphincter, so the chances are we probably have thousands.

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Nobody quite knows how many sphincters we have.

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We have thousands and thousands of them.

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So, now, what is this?

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-Snake.

-Excuse me?

-Is it a snake?

-Oh dear!

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-What a shame.

-Is it a legless lizard?

-Yes, it's the right answer.

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-It's a lizard.

-How can you tell it's drunk?

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Because it keeps going, "I love you! You're great."

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"Come here."

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-"Don't go, have another one."

-Yes, it is.

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Snakes, you think of as looking like that

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but lizards can look like that too.

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They don't have to have legs.

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In fact, two thirds of that is tail.

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Real snakes have got movable jaws.

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HE GRUMBLES

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And lizards don't.

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Your thinking of dogs.

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That was uncanny, wasn't it? It was like a snake was in the room.

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For a moment there, I was, "Whoa!"

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Also the eyes are very different.

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Snake eyes have this particular film over them.

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Another difference, of course, I don't have a lizard in my trousers.

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-Ladies!

-Dear, oh dear.

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In England, you get...

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Adders, vipers and grass snakes.

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And there is another kind that I had in my garden in Norfolk not long ago,

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which is a slowworm.

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Which is neither a worm nor a snake but again is a legless lizard.

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My brother had them, I think, when he came back from school once.

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He had them? Oh, you mean in his tummy?

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-Yeah.

-Seriously?!

-Yeah, and we couldn't lick the loo seat.

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Not that we were licking the loo seat before.

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He was accused of doing that at school

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and we had to get rid of them because he had the worms.

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-But that looks a lot bigger.

-They accused him of licking the loo seat?

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No, because that's how you get worms.

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-By licking the loo seat?!

-Yes! You lick the loo seat.

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I thought you said Lucy.

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-The loo seat.

-That is definitely my first fact of the evening.

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There we are. Off to a flyer.

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Like the loo seat and you will get worms of the belly.

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You will get more than worms, you will get universal contempt.

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That's far worse.

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You can get STIs from loo seats, interestingly, Stephen,

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but only if you sit down before the last guy has got up.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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STI - is that Sexually Transmitted Information?

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Sexually Transmitted Information should be a thing, shouldn't it?

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It sounds like the late-night version of QI though, doesn't it?

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-The adult after-12 edition.

-Yes, STI.

-Provocative questions.

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I like the sound of it.

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All right, now. Let's play Stick The Knees On The Elephants.

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You should have cards with elephants on,

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and you should have little red dots,

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and you have to stick your red dot on the knees of the elephant. Simple as that.

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It's a little fun art/craft thing that you can do.

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I feel a little bit like we're in, we've under-performed

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-and we've been taken to a special class.

-More or less right.

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Where it's mainly arts and crafts and colouring-in

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-and you can't fail, we've all done very well.

-That's right.

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I'm just doing polka dots.

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Very sweet, but try and do it on the knees of the elephant if you can.

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I think elephants have got a lot of knees.

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That's my, that's my... Because, otherwise,

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why would you have given us this many dots?

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It is a lot of dots. You don't have to use all the dots, I may say.

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This elephant's actually got the same thing that Jack used to have

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at the top of his thigh.

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-Turns out it was nothing, but it was a real worry.

-Yes.

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-I've marked his sphincter on there as well.

-So have I!

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-Well done.

-Oh, snap.

-We've got matching sphincters.

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All right, so if you'd like to present and show?

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Sorry. Sphincter, eyes, because it's nice to get to know them.

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And four knees.

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Can you tilt the cards forward so they're not too shiny?

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They reflect on the camera.

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OK. I've gone, I've gone four knees on each.

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Are you tilting it forward as asked? You're not, are you?

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I can't get taken down to a lower class than this, can I?

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I'm already doing arts and crafts.

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-Dear, oh dear, oh dear.

-These are knees.

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-Well, I mean...

-I've gone knees on the front, none on the back.

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Everyone except Alan has at least managed to put dots on the knees,

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which are at the back of the elephant, because the front two joints are elbows.

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Oh.

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All mammals essentially...

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Whoa, whoa, you're going to have to back up there a little bit.

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He's got elbows on his leg...?

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On his front legs, yes. His front legs are essentially arms.

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I mean, the bones in his front leg are the radius and the ulna,

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just like ours.

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They're essentially walking on their hands and on their hind legs.

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And we may think of elephants with four knees,

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they don't, they only have the two knees at the back.

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The two front ones are elbows. It seems unlikely, but it's true.

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That means my interesting fact that the elephant

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-is the only animal in the world that has four knees is complete rubbish.

-Exactly.

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It's a common fact on the internet and it's a lie.

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-Wow.

-And any zoologist will tell you so.

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I felt sorry for an elephant the other day.

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I watched it and the new BBC show, Planet Earth Live.

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-Oh, don't talk to me about that.

-With Richard Hammond on it.

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He was stood in front of all these elephants

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in one of his tragic midlife-crisis necklaces

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and it definitely had ivory on it.

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It did! It had a little thing! That's probably one of his cousins. Get him!

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They put Richard Hammond out in the middle of the night

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with lots of lions around

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just hoping that he would be savaged live on television.

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I'm afraid it's minus ten to everybody except Alan. There you go.

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That's very good. So, well done, Alan.

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In fact, you got it right in the end.

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No, I didn't, I put two knees, I thought it only had two knees...

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-Which it does.

-But I put them on the front, where the elbows are.

-Oh, you put them...did you?

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Oh, OK, well yes, you get the minus ten, sorry about that.

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We can have here... A man here.

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-How many legs does a sheep have, according to him?

-Four.

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-None.

-If you go into a butcher, you can order a leg of lamb or two legs

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but if it was from just the one lamb, you could have...

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Two legs and two drumsticks.

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-We have leg of lamb and we have...

-Shoulder.

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Shoulder. They call the front legs of the lamb the shoulders.

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And if it was a pig, what are the front legs of a pig called?

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-Drumsticks.

-No, they're not drumsticks

-Sausages.

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No, they're not sausages either.

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No. Hands. It's a hand of pig if you go into a butcher.

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-The call them hands.

-Hand of pig?

-I've experienced hand of pig before.

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-I'm sure you have.

-I've apologised. Don't go on about it.

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-That's why you're on that side.

-Exactly. It's a court order.

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-By the way, how does an elephant drink?

-With its trunk.

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Oh, Alanny-wanny-woo.

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SIREN

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There's a sense in which, prepositionally, you were correct, because it does drink with...

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I don't understand that.

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You said with its trunk, you didn't say THROUGH its trunk.

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It doesn't drink through its trunk,

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-but in a sense it does drink with its trunk.

-It scoops it into its mouth.

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Because it sucks it up and then blows it back into its mouth.

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They drink to forget, don't they?

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So they don't suck it up or they'd drown, it's their nose,

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like if we drank through our nose, we would be in real trouble.

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-You can do Tequila shots through your nose, can't you?

-Oh, yes, you can.

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-You can, yeah. I mean it's not, it's not a way to hydrate.

-No.

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You know how sometimes if you were violently ill and you're sick

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and it comes out your mouth and your nose,

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could an elephant vomit out of its trunk?

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I wouldn't be surprised if it could. And I don't know if anybody's been cruel enough to experiment on making

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an elephant dependent on cocaine, because that would be, that would be

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a pretty extraordinarily expensive habit, wouldn't it, really?

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I view that as the highest calling of the stand-up comedian.

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If you're doing a concert and you can time a joke

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-so that someone's taking a sip and it comes out of their nose.

-Yeah, that is, isn't it?

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It's the best thing when they've ruined their evening.

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Ah! Covered in snot and booze.

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Imagine if you made an elephant laugh so much

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something came out of its trunk.

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And then it applauded. With its hands.

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The front of house staff at the Savoy Theatre, many years ago,

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when Noises Off, the Michael Frayn thing,

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told me that every single day there were wet seats,

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people wet themselves laughing.

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-Isn't that because elderly people go to the cinema?

-No.

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I mean the theatre.

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I did a gig in Reading, Reading Festival, and I was doing so well

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on stage actually someone in the audience wet himself,

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straight into a bottle and then threw it at me.

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-That's how good I was doing. I was that funny.

-Does that really happen?

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-Hit me straight on the head.

-Does that really happen?

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Monsters of Rock at Donington, they do that, don't they?

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Well, they throw stuff up onto the stage.

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Yeah, full of urine. It didn't break though?

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Well it's like when Bono was meant to play at Glastonbury

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and then he pulled out and I'd been literally saving up

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months' worth of piss to throw at him

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and I had to wait for the entire year.

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-You poor thing!

-Had about that much, like a vat.

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A water cannon.

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Poor Bono, he does come in for it, doesn't he? Bless him. Anyway.

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He did his back in, that's why he couldn't do it though,

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which is fair enough because I imagine my back would be pretty sore

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-if I'd spent the last 20 years with my head up my own arse.

-Whoa!

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APPLAUSE

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Oh, wow. Wowzeroony.

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So, yes. Yes, your skeleton is just like Jumbo's but, apart from that,

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what else do we have in common with elephants, uniquely with elephants?

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-Tusks. Tusks.

-We don't really have tusks though, to be honest.

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-We do, big tusks.

-Walruses and others animals do.

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Oh, I'm thinking of walruses, sorry.

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Is it after a certain age you get the horrible whiskers under your chin?

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Oh, now, you just said, what's the last word you said?

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-Chin.

-That's it, it's as simple as that.

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Very oddly, the only mammals that have chins are humans and elephants.

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You may say, hang on, dogs have chins, no they don't.

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-Wow.

-They don't have chins.

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Look at that real chin bone, chin bone on the right,

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the right, the elephant, the left, the human. But no, obviously there's a big difference

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but they both have chins.

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The elephant one, the actual face structure looks a bit like

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one of those women on Made In Chelsea. It does!

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Because they do, all those women on Made In Chelsea look like

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a horse that's swallowed an anvil and it's just sitting there.

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I was watching it on 3D TV the other day, and one of them started talking

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about her gap year and I was nearly knocked off my sofa.

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That PG Wodehouse thing about the sort of goofy upper class person

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who looked as if he'd swallowed a laundry basket.

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You know, that sort of thick neck, and huge Adams apple.

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And a constant look on their face

0:16:330:16:35

like they've just forgotten their own name, like...

0:16:350:16:39

Absolutely right.

0:16:390:16:41

And the weird thing is, nobody quite knows why we have chins, as it were.

0:16:410:16:44

We know that they're extremely useful for various things -

0:16:440:16:48

speech and so on - but do we have a chin because we can speak,

0:16:480:16:50

or do we speak because we have a chin?

0:16:500:16:53

-No-one knows why we've got a chin?

-To grow beards on it.

0:16:530:16:56

There are things we can do with it. I agree, we can stroke it.

0:16:560:16:59

I am currently peacocking, which is what I'm doing with this.

0:16:590:17:01

-Are you?

-Yeah, this beard is peacocking. That's what I'm doing.

0:17:010:17:05

In as much as it's an attractive display to attract women?

0:17:050:17:08

To impress, yes, for ladies.

0:17:080:17:10

So the ladies in here are currently impressed by this.

0:17:100:17:12

I am peacocking with my beard. I know they may not be showing it.

0:17:120:17:15

Try and peacock less camply, if you're pursuing ladies.

0:17:150:17:18

OK.

0:17:180:17:20

It's just a suggestion, if it's the ladies you want to attract.

0:17:200:17:22

-"Yeah. Oi, babes, check this out."

-That's better, there you go.

0:17:220:17:25

"I call it the clunge sponge!"

0:17:250:17:27

-Whoa!

-Too far?

-Maybe. Maybe.

0:17:270:17:30

-Split the difference.

-Split the difference.

-OK.

0:17:300:17:34

Oh, dear!

0:17:340:17:36

The ancient Greeks used it for earache,

0:17:380:17:41

Columbus took 80 tonnes of it to America

0:17:410:17:44

and Henry VIII made it compulsory.

0:17:440:17:47

-What am I talking about?

-Hang on, what's the theme of the show?

0:17:470:17:50

-Joints.

-Yes.

-I'm going to guess marijuana.

0:17:500:17:52

Marijuana is the right answer. Hemp. Cannabis.

0:17:520:17:56

So he took 80 tonnes to America? You're saying he is a trafficker?

0:17:560:18:00

You're saying Columbus was a drug trafficker.

0:18:000:18:03

He must've had a very big sphincter.

0:18:030:18:05

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:18:050:18:07

It was pretty enormous.

0:18:090:18:11

Got a joint in his hand there.

0:18:110:18:13

As you probably know,

0:18:130:18:15

cannabis plant is also used for the creation of hemp as ropes.

0:18:150:18:20

He had tonnes of it just on his ship alone, of rope made from hemp.

0:18:200:18:24

Also, under King James, it was made compulsory for the colonials

0:18:240:18:28

to grow it and use it because they mostly wore hemp clothing.

0:18:280:18:31

Hemp is used as an oil, a lubricant, all kinds of things.

0:18:310:18:34

You can buy hemp oil now.

0:18:340:18:36

By the middle of the 19th century, cannabis was recommended

0:18:360:18:39

by the US Pharmacopeia for the following disorders - neuralgia,

0:18:390:18:42

tetanus, typhus, cholera, rabies, dysentery, alcoholism, anthrax,

0:18:420:18:47

leprosy, incontinence, snakebite, gout, tonsillitis and insanity.

0:18:470:18:53

-That seemed to be a list of pretty much everything there.

-It did, didn't it?

0:18:530:18:56

If you went into the chemist, they only had one thing.

0:18:560:18:59

"What have you got?" "Well, I'll have a think."

0:18:590:19:01

Well, there's a good word for that - panacea. The cure all, literally.

0:19:010:19:05

They did more or less think it was a panacea, as they did many drugs.

0:19:050:19:07

They did with heroin when it came out and cocaine.

0:19:070:19:11

In defence of both of those, it will take the edge off.

0:19:110:19:13

There are still people who believe it.

0:19:150:19:18

They are very keen for the legalisation of medicinal marijuana.

0:19:180:19:22

It seems weird that we haven't got medicinal marijuana

0:19:220:19:25

but we have got medicinal heroin.

0:19:250:19:26

-Yes, isn't it?

-That's an odd quirk.

0:19:260:19:28

I suppose so except that there is no real painkiller available

0:19:280:19:32

except the one that we get from the poppy

0:19:320:19:36

which includes morphine and heroin.

0:19:360:19:37

We just can't make a drug that does the same thing.

0:19:370:19:40

-Mummy's hugs.

-Mummy's hugs and kisses. You sweetheart!

0:19:400:19:45

-That's so lovely.

-And if they don't work, heroin.

0:19:450:19:47

You've got it spot on the money, Jack, absolutely.

0:19:490:19:53

It is illegal to sell the seeds of cannabis in America

0:19:530:19:56

except in one circumstance. Can you imagine what that might be?

0:19:560:19:59

Is it if you want to grow a beanstalk?

0:19:590:20:01

No, it is for birdseed, funnily enough.

0:20:010:20:04

Birdseed can have cannabis seeds in it.

0:20:040:20:06

Anyway, there we are. So, what next? Oh, let's have another

0:20:060:20:09

pin the something on the something round, shall we?

0:20:090:20:11

Because we enjoyed that last time enormously, didn't we?

0:20:110:20:15

So let's pin the knee on the bird.

0:20:150:20:17

Stick a little sticker on the bird's knee. That's all you have to do.

0:20:170:20:19

Well, it's never going to be where I think it's going to be.

0:20:190:20:23

In the knee bit.

0:20:230:20:24

Oh.

0:20:260:20:27

Or it could be a double bluff.

0:20:270:20:28

Oh, not a double bluff.

0:20:280:20:31

Well, I'm going to put in an early pitch for there.

0:20:310:20:33

-I'm going to say it's got a knee in its neck.

-Right.

0:20:330:20:36

And that's how it bends its neck, and it's a little quirk of nature.

0:20:360:20:40

Oh, and Jack's put one on his...

0:20:400:20:41

-You're not putting it on the knee, where the knee is!

-But he bites it.

0:20:410:20:44

No, because the bendy bit would be... Oh, no. That could be a little camp arm.

0:20:440:20:49

But the wings are going to be the arms this time, aren't they?

0:20:490:20:52

The wings are the arms, aren't they? The wings are the arms.

0:20:520:20:55

The wings are the arms.

0:20:550:20:56

-The legs have got the knees in.

-The legs have got the knees in, definitely.

0:20:560:20:59

-Where they bend in the middle.

-STEPHEN SPEAKS GOBBLEDYGOOK

0:20:590:21:04

-I'm going knees, I'm going in.

-Going in, he's going in, ladies and gentlemen.

0:21:040:21:07

I'm feeling a double bluff.

0:21:070:21:10

You're covering the animal with red dots, Cal.

0:21:100:21:13

No, I've just given it a perm.

0:21:130:21:14

You're giving it a cock's comb.

0:21:140:21:16

There we are, so you've.. Ah, dear. I'm afraid, Alan,

0:21:160:21:20

you've fallen into our little trap.

0:21:200:21:22

No shit.

0:21:220:21:23

Those are not the knees.

0:21:230:21:26

People think birds' knees goes backwards, those are ankles.

0:21:260:21:29

Ah, you see.

0:21:290:21:30

-I thought there was going to be something like that.

-Here, maybe?

0:21:300:21:33

There. Now, Jack, points for Jack.

0:21:330:21:37

You lose one for the bottom one, which is the... Forget that one, in fact.

0:21:370:21:41

Is this an unusual flamingo,

0:21:410:21:43

in that it's got a duck coming out of its arse?

0:21:430:21:45

It's pretty hard to deny.

0:21:510:21:53

Where are the duck's knees, for goodness sake?

0:21:530:21:57

Ask the flamingo.

0:21:570:21:58

Yeah. Well, there are the knees, at the top.

0:21:580:22:00

They're usually covered in feather. And the bottom bit is the ankle.

0:22:000:22:04

I know it seems strange.

0:22:040:22:05

So there's a chance, if you kicked a flamingo in the knees

0:22:050:22:08

and the balls at the same time, that's some pain, isn't it?

0:22:080:22:10

-Whoa, yes.

-Because they must be in the same sort of area.

0:22:100:22:12

Yes. They don't really have testicles, though, do they?

0:22:120:22:17

I mean, they have little sexual parts.

0:22:170:22:20

Well, so as do I.

0:22:200:22:23

It would be quite an unnerving sight,

0:22:250:22:27

as flocks of flamingos flew overhead,

0:22:270:22:29

if they did have dangling testicles.

0:22:290:22:30

Yeah, boy, girl, boy, girl, boy, girl.

0:22:300:22:32

It would be very worrying.

0:22:320:22:34

-So, have I got a point?

-I think so, Jack, yeah. Yeah.

0:22:340:22:36

There's an apple for you.

0:22:360:22:39

Oh! Oh, I can't tell you how much that works.

0:22:390:22:44

-That always works with me. Thank you.

-There's more where that's from.

-Bless you. Apple for me.

0:22:440:22:49

Starts with an apple, next thing you know, you're in some sort of therapy. Be careful.

0:22:490:22:53

Behave. What did Glaswegian women lose on their wedding night?

0:22:530:22:57

A fight.

0:22:570:22:58

A fight!

0:22:580:22:59

A fight with a Glaswegian man.

0:22:590:23:01

A long battle against alcoholism?

0:23:010:23:03

It's, I mean not necessarily Glaswegian, but I mean...

0:23:040:23:07

Oh, their chips.

0:23:070:23:09

In the past, it was a very traditional thing on your wedding,

0:23:090:23:12

to lose, almost as a dowry, and the men would be given it

0:23:120:23:16

as a 21st birthday present, it would be the loss of their..?

0:23:160:23:19

Teeth.

0:23:190:23:20

Teeth is the right answer.

0:23:200:23:22

Have them all out in one go, have a few days of eating milk

0:23:220:23:25

and bread and then have dentures put in.

0:23:250:23:26

It was considered a good thing. It would save you all dentistry bills for the rest of your life.

0:23:260:23:31

-My mother was offered this.

-Was she?

0:23:310:23:32

My mother got offered this when she was a young woman,

0:23:320:23:35

I think she was about 18, she was nursing in Limerick, I think,

0:23:350:23:37

and she went in to see her dentist about like a back tooth,

0:23:370:23:40

and he tried to convince her to have all her teeth taken out.

0:23:400:23:42

He just went, "Well, you've got, I mean, you've got quite

0:23:420:23:45

"good teeth, but really, it's going to be expensive over the years.

0:23:450:23:48

"You know what, we've got an offer on,

0:23:480:23:49

"I will take all of these out and we can just put in dentures.

0:23:490:23:52

"And dentures really are the future."

0:23:520:23:54

It does seem a bit odd, it does seem that

0:23:540:23:56

the woman getting her teeth out on her wedding night

0:23:560:23:58

is more of a present for the husband, really, doesn't it?

0:23:580:24:01

There are advantages, you might say, yes, absolutely, that there

0:24:010:24:03

could be pleasurable outcomes.

0:24:030:24:06

That was unfortunate!

0:24:120:24:13

Stop it and behave. So...

0:24:150:24:17

You'd be very good on those sex chat lines.

0:24:170:24:19

"Would you like a pleasurable outcome with your little sexual bits?"

0:24:210:24:25

Let's return to the 19th century and think about false teeth.

0:24:270:24:29

-Now, what were false teeth made of in those days?

-Wood.

0:24:290:24:32

They were. Wood was used. Supposedly George Washington...

0:24:320:24:36

-Abraham Lincoln had wooden false teeth.

-Well, yes, he did.

0:24:360:24:38

And he would fall asleep in Congress,

0:24:380:24:40

or wherever they sit and they were sprung loaded, these things,

0:24:400:24:43

so if you relax your jaw, the spring would fire them out of your mouth.

0:24:430:24:46

That's absolutely right, they did.

0:24:460:24:48

They did have springs, in France, in particular, they had

0:24:480:24:51

holes in their gums with, so they would sort of hang the tooth on it.

0:24:510:24:54

I was looking at my granny the other day and I had a really good idea, OK.

0:24:540:24:58

This is what I'm going to pitch when I go on Dragons Den, is to create

0:24:580:25:02

some dentures that clamp shut every time they sense racism coming out.

0:25:020:25:05

It would be brilliant, wouldn't it?

0:25:060:25:08

As soon as she starts... Doof! You'd get through a lot at Christmas.

0:25:080:25:13

"I've got nothing against them personally, but..."

0:25:130:25:15

I think the word, the word "but" would be the key, wouldn't it,

0:25:170:25:20

the trigger word. "I'm not racist, but..."

0:25:200:25:22

Yeah.

0:25:220:25:24

Teeth is the answer.

0:25:240:25:26

Well, yes, exactly.

0:25:260:25:27

I think they used teeth.

0:25:270:25:28

They did, but whose teeth could they use?

0:25:280:25:30

Well, either... Did poor people sell their teeth?

0:25:300:25:34

Yes, poor people did sell their teeth.

0:25:340:25:35

And also I think dead people.

0:25:350:25:37

-But a particular kind of dead person. You were not allowed to rob a grave.

-Are we not?

0:25:370:25:41

-Not a grave, no. So there are other places...

-Oh!

0:25:410:25:44

I know, it's disappointing.

0:25:440:25:46

I'm in a lot of trouble.

0:25:460:25:48

There are other places where you might find too many dead bodies,

0:25:500:25:53

of healthy young men, usually, who might have good teeth.

0:25:530:25:56

-Oh, battlefields.

-Battlefields is the right answer.

-How depressing.

0:25:560:25:59

What became known as Waterloo teeth. It became almost your patriotic duty,

0:25:590:26:04

if you lost a tooth, to fit in that of a dead soldier from Waterloo.

0:26:040:26:07

There were these scavengers who went around the battlefields

0:26:070:26:10

pulling out the teeth of the dead bodies

0:26:100:26:12

and sending them back in barrels, and people would buy them

0:26:120:26:15

and fit them into the holes where their teeth were, and use them.

0:26:150:26:19

Barrels? How many people died?

0:26:190:26:21

-Well, thousands died in the Battle of Waterloo.

-Barrels, wow!

0:26:210:26:24

Yes, yeah, and each head had 32 teeth in it.

0:26:240:26:25

And the dead horses, their teeth were sent to the people from the Only Way Is Essex.

0:26:250:26:30

Absolutely right. Spot on. Spot on.

0:26:320:26:36

But right up until the American Civil War and past the 1860s,

0:26:360:26:39

they were called Waterloo teeth, even though, of course, that was,

0:26:390:26:42

the Battle of Waterloo was in 1815, so it was, you know, 45 years later.

0:26:420:26:45

There's a tourist attraction in Victoria in Australia

0:26:450:26:49

called Casper's World In Miniature. It's all a bit bonkers.

0:26:490:26:52

Then you get to the end of it, you walk into this room

0:26:520:26:55

and suddenly you're in this room full of sculptures made out of human teeth.

0:26:550:26:58

-Oh, my goodness!

-Crazy things like a tooth fairy made out of human teeth

0:26:580:27:01

and a hamburger made of human teeth and a castle made out of human teeth!

0:27:010:27:06

The horrible thing is, because it's food,

0:27:060:27:07

you're looking at a hamburger and you wonder what it would taste like,

0:27:070:27:10

and you think about teeth on teeth. It's very grotesque.

0:27:100:27:13

-And this is in Victoria?

-In Victoria in Australia.

0:27:130:27:16

And then, we went through this exhibition, all quite disturbed,

0:27:160:27:19

and we walked out through the gift shop

0:27:190:27:21

and there was an elderly man sitting there eating mashed banana

0:27:210:27:23

-because he had no teeth!

-Oh, my God!

0:27:230:27:26

I always find whenever I'm in Melbourne,

0:27:260:27:29

I can't get the image out of my head when they say,

0:27:290:27:31

"There's a terrible crime," or something like that,

0:27:310:27:34

"Victorian Police were soon on the scene,"

0:27:340:27:36

and I picture truncheons, moutaches, "How now, then!"

0:27:360:27:39

You just can't help...

0:27:390:27:40

Victorian police just means something very particular.

0:27:400:27:44

Absolutely.

0:27:440:27:45

There's a story you may have come across in the newspapers

0:27:450:27:48

not that long ago about a Polish dentist.

0:27:480:27:51

Does that ring a bell? A female Polish dentist?

0:27:510:27:54

She got revenge on someone by...

0:27:540:27:55

Her lover left her.

0:27:550:27:57

And she took out all his teeth.

0:27:570:27:59

Her lover left her and then went to see her when he had,

0:27:590:28:01

stupid idiot, went to see her when he had toothache,

0:28:010:28:04

and she took all his teeth out.

0:28:040:28:06

Apparently, it was in all the newspapers, but it's bollocks.

0:28:060:28:09

Can you imagine, something in British newspapers that isn't true?!

0:28:090:28:12

-She took his bollocks out?

-No, no.

0:28:120:28:14

What she should have done is taken all the teeth out

0:28:140:28:17

and then made a little hole in his scrotum and put them all in there.

0:28:170:28:20

Just loose and then sewn it up again.

0:28:220:28:25

Yes, that is a much better idea.

0:28:250:28:27

I think we can all agree she missed a great opportunity.

0:28:270:28:32

He just would have had a bag of teeth hanging around there.

0:28:320:28:35

Oh!

0:28:350:28:36

But you can have a look at this little device. What do you think that might be?

0:28:360:28:39

I think it's a piece of dental equipment, Stephen.

0:28:390:28:42

It's certainly a piece of dental equipment.

0:28:420:28:44

I pieced that together myself.

0:28:440:28:45

I need that more specifically.

0:28:450:28:46

I bet it's a tongue clamp or something grotesque.

0:28:460:28:49

No, it's not a tongue clamp.

0:28:490:28:50

Oh, is it for snipping open the scrotum to put the teeth in?

0:28:500:28:52

Behave yourself, behave yourself!

0:28:520:28:55

Well, presumably to yank something out.

0:28:550:28:57

It looks like a yanky out thing.

0:28:570:28:58

It's not a yanky out thing.

0:28:580:29:00

Well, it kind of crosses over and it's got those sort

0:29:000:29:02

of cutting things, is it for making, turning the upper lip into a fringe?

0:29:020:29:05

I think it looks like you might jam it in somewhere, open it up

0:29:050:29:09

and then you could put the tooth in.

0:29:090:29:11

Ow! No, it's not that. It's called the masticator.

0:29:110:29:14

It's for people who had no teeth, you first chopped your food

0:29:140:29:16

up a little and then you really mash it up.

0:29:160:29:18

And so it's ready, you don't need your teeth to chew.

0:29:180:29:21

It basically just gets your food into a soft pulp.

0:29:210:29:26

That's it, exactly.

0:29:260:29:28

There was a very common belief in the...

0:29:290:29:32

Ow! You see.

0:29:320:29:34

A load of teeth have fallen out!

0:29:340:29:37

It's a valuable exhibit in the British Dental Museum and we're very grateful. Be careful with it.

0:29:370:29:41

-It's a rusty old tool.

-You could use it on your apple.

0:29:410:29:44

-I could, couldn't I?

-Remember?

-On my lovely apple.

0:29:440:29:47

I might do that.

0:29:470:29:49

You're being very flirty, Jack. I quite like it.

0:29:490:29:52

So, anyway...

0:29:520:29:53

APPLAUSE

0:29:530:29:56

Yeah, that's...

0:29:580:30:00

My sphincter just tightened.

0:30:000:30:01

So...

0:30:030:30:04

Not for the first time this evening, I shouldn't wonder.

0:30:040:30:08

That's your masticator and...

0:30:080:30:09

It's not your sphincter, it's your masticator.

0:30:090:30:11

So, who's got noisy knees and a urine-soaked hairbrush?

0:30:130:30:17

Oh, who hasn't?!

0:30:170:30:18

A creaking knees is something that just happens to you.

0:30:190:30:23

It sounds like a parent complaint.

0:30:230:30:25

You know, your knees go and the kid's peed on your hairbrush!

0:30:250:30:29

That would indeed happen, but this is a very particular species.

0:30:290:30:32

My grandmother? We're returning to her.

0:30:320:30:35

Your grandmother's not coming well out of this programme, is she?

0:30:350:30:39

Racist, pissy gran!

0:30:390:30:41

-Is it a bushbaby?

-No, it's not. It is a mammal.

0:30:420:30:45

It's an ungulate, you'll find it in Africa in the Savannah.

0:30:450:30:49

-What kind of ungulates do we find in the Savannah?

-Richard Hammond.

0:30:490:30:53

-Klipspringers. Things like that.

-Yeah. Antelopes.

0:30:560:30:59

It's a kind of antelope called an eland, which you may have heard of.

0:30:590:31:04

-There it is. Fine specimen.

-I can't see it's hairbrush.

0:31:040:31:07

It's hairbrush is the tufty little bit up the top,

0:31:070:31:10

and the bigger and the maler they are, the bigger their hairbrush.

0:31:100:31:13

There it is. And they soak it in their own urine

0:31:130:31:15

in order to face off other males for the right to mate

0:31:150:31:18

and pass on their genes.

0:31:180:31:21

And what you were talking about was your display.

0:31:210:31:23

I sometimes soak this is urine. I don't want any trouble.

0:31:230:31:26

That's its hairbrush, anyway.

0:31:280:31:30

And it soaks it in urine, and this apparently is a big, butch thing to do if you're an eland.

0:31:300:31:34

But the other thing is it snaps its tendons over its legs

0:31:340:31:36

like a guitar string, which makes a really very loud noise,

0:31:360:31:39

and the thicker and the bigger the muscles of its leg,

0:31:390:31:42

the louder the noise, and hence the more chance it has of mating.

0:31:420:31:46

A lot of animals do make noises to attract mates in different ways.

0:31:460:31:50

I don't know any humans that get mates by...

0:31:500:31:52

When you get to a certain age, you get out of a chair

0:31:520:31:54

and something makes a noise, you go, "Was that me?"

0:31:540:31:57

Something creaks. A weird snap.

0:31:570:32:00

Or if you squat and go for a low shelf in the library,

0:32:000:32:02

as you stand up, there's a sound of crunching gravel as your knees...

0:32:020:32:06

I don't know at what age you start going, "Oohhh!"

0:32:060:32:09

when you sit into or get out of a chair.

0:32:090:32:12

Yes, it was a Billy Connolly point, wasn't it,

0:32:120:32:13

when you shout to pick something up - "Aaah!"

0:32:130:32:15

So true.

0:32:170:32:18

I had my son when I was 38, and so he's three now,

0:32:180:32:21

but he's grown up so that when he bends down to pick things up, he goes, "Uurghh!"

0:32:210:32:25

-Cos that's what Mummy does!

-That's perfect!

0:32:250:32:28

THEY BOTH GROAN

0:32:280:32:30

My little girl, if you carry her up the stairs, she goes,

0:32:300:32:33

"Oh, so many stairs!"

0:32:330:32:37

-If you carry her!

-She's copying me. They were virtually her first words.

0:32:380:32:44

I'm only 23 and I got depressed so much the other day

0:32:440:32:47

cos I turned down sexual intercourse with my girlfriend and the reason that I gave was cos I had heartburn.

0:32:470:32:52

23! That shouldn't be happening.

0:32:520:32:54

She said, "I'll give you anything you want."

0:32:540:32:57

I was like, "Some Rennie, some Rennie, quick!"

0:32:570:32:59

You need PPI, proton pump inhibitors.

0:32:590:33:01

Oh, I offered her one of them as well!

0:33:010:33:04

Well, really, that is sad news, a 23-year-old, you really shouldn't

0:33:070:33:10

be using that as an excuse not to have sex, to be perfectly honest.

0:33:100:33:13

That's not good enough. No. I can recommend a diet for you.

0:33:130:33:17

Come and see me.

0:33:180:33:20

-Anyway...

-I knew this would happen.

0:33:210:33:24

-It involves nuts.

-Stop it.

0:33:240:33:27

There is a new meaning to "We shall march on Whitehall."

0:33:290:33:33

-Who wrote The Cat In The Hat?

-Dr Seuss.

0:33:400:33:42

SIREN

0:33:420:33:46

-I'm afraid, not Dr "Syooce", but Dr "Zoyce".

-Zoyce.

0:33:460:33:52

He's spelt S-E-U-S-S, a Germanic name.

0:33:520:33:55

His real name was Theodor Seuss Geisel.

0:33:550:33:58

But there was a Dr "Syooce", and he did really propose something,

0:33:580:34:03

which is still held to be true today,

0:34:030:34:05

and I wonder if you might guess what that is.

0:34:050:34:07

-A scientific thing?

-It is a very scientific thing, yes.

0:34:070:34:09

It doesn't look like he enjoyed it, though, does he?

0:34:090:34:12

Well, like a lot of Victorians, he does look a bit sombre

0:34:120:34:14

and solemn, shall we say.

0:34:140:34:16

Jack, Jack, it's a proper beard.

0:34:160:34:18

Physics? Chemistry? hats?

0:34:210:34:23

One that transformed the way we looked at the world, literally.

0:34:230:34:26

Glasses.

0:34:260:34:27

-I was trying to stress not "looked" but "world".

-Geology.

-Yeah.

0:34:300:34:34

He discovered by looking at rock formations and fossils,

0:34:340:34:37

there were so many strange things in common with the way

0:34:370:34:40

the different continents fit together.

0:34:400:34:42

Was he the guy that did continental drift?

0:34:420:34:44

Not so much continental drift,

0:34:440:34:46

but he had this idea that there was once one big super continent.

0:34:460:34:50

-Gondwanaland.

-Which he called Gondwanaland, exactly.

0:34:500:34:53

He was the man who named it, and as you know,

0:34:530:34:55

New Zealand was one of the islands that spun off from it.

0:34:550:34:58

India, Africa, and you can see

0:34:580:35:00

where South America and Africa fit together like jigsaw puzzles.

0:35:000:35:04

That photo was taken earlier?

0:35:040:35:05

Quite a lot earlier, yes, millions of years earlier.

0:35:050:35:07

And that's what Dr Suess did, and he was pronounced Dr "Syooce",

0:35:070:35:11

as opposed to Theodor "Zoyce" Geisel,

0:35:110:35:14

who created The Cat In The Hat and Sam I Am and other such things.

0:35:140:35:17

His first children's manuscript story was rejected 27 times

0:35:170:35:21

because he was told it had no moral. There he is,

0:35:210:35:24

with his most famous creation, I suppose.

0:35:240:35:26

And he tried different surnames. He tried, for example, Rosetta Stone.

0:35:260:35:31

Quite a good idea.

0:35:310:35:32

And Theo Lesieg, "Lesieg" being "Geisel" backwards.

0:35:320:35:36

But in the end, Dr "Zoyce" was the one that caught on.

0:35:360:35:38

So anyway, Dr Edward "Syooce" is the man who first came up with

0:35:380:35:42

the idea of the supercontinent Gondwanaland.

0:35:420:35:46

So, what kind of glass does the Pope-mobile have in its windows?

0:35:460:35:49

Oh, probably, has he got the slidey kind so he can sell ice creams?

0:35:490:35:53

I imagine it plays the ice cream van music,

0:35:530:35:55

I'm not casting aspersions on the Catholic Church, but...

0:35:550:35:58

Now, be very careful.

0:35:580:35:59

-Stained glass.

-Stained glass, that's a very good point.

0:35:590:36:02

-It's tinted.

-How lovely would that be?

-Tinted.

0:36:020:36:05

Is it tinted so like when they're all waving, everyone thinks that

0:36:050:36:08

he's in there doing that, but actually he's cracking open some tinnies, flicking the v's at people.

0:36:080:36:12

What else would you say about the glass?

0:36:120:36:15

You want us to say bulletproof, don't you, that's a thing, isn't it?

0:36:150:36:19

-I wouldn't, would I, want you to say what?

-Bulletproof.

-Oh!

0:36:190:36:21

SIREN

0:36:210:36:24

I'm afraid we're being very technical with you, there is

0:36:240:36:27

no such thing as bulletproof glass, by any manufacturer.

0:36:270:36:30

-That's cost me a fortune in my house!

-It's bullet-resistant glass.

0:36:300:36:33

They don't claim it to be bulletproof. Four inches thick will do, it's layered with vinyl

0:36:330:36:38

and things in between to absorb the shock of the bullet.

0:36:380:36:41

But there's a really clever, which is one-way bullet-resistant glass,

0:36:410:36:45

where you shoot into it and the bullet does that,

0:36:450:36:49

but you can shoot out from the other side and it goes through.

0:36:490:36:52

If that gets fitted incorrectly...

0:36:520:36:53

-So the Pope could fire back.

-You've got one shot.

0:36:530:36:56

I can't see how that could be possible.

0:36:560:36:57

It's because of the lamination. I can describe it to you if you wish.

0:36:570:37:01

It's because of the order in which the layers are assembled.

0:37:010:37:04

The shock absorber layer is on the inside, with the glass on the outside, was the reason.

0:37:040:37:08

That would be great if you could be shot by the Pope.

0:37:080:37:10

How exciting would that be?

0:37:100:37:11

He'd shoot you, "Yeah, you're going to hell, I've had a word."

0:37:110:37:16

He'd definitely do the sideways thing, wouldn't he?

0:37:170:37:19

Just as a matter of interest, how many Popes does the Vatican have per square kilometre?

0:37:190:37:24

-How many Popes?

-Yeah.

0:37:240:37:26

Like, buried or in storage?

0:37:260:37:28

No, actually live, living Popes?

0:37:280:37:30

-One.

-No.

0:37:300:37:32

There's actually 2.27 recurring, because Vatican City is only

0:37:320:37:35

0.44 of a kilometre, so the average would be, per square kilometre...

0:37:350:37:41

Well, I think we have it, ladies and gentlemen - the most annoying question ever asked.

0:37:410:37:45

I think we've done it!

0:37:470:37:48

I understand your point of view, you're quite right.

0:37:480:37:51

-Well, we weren't going to get it, were we?

-No, you weren't.

0:37:510:37:55

So, anyway, how would you improve this plane here?

0:37:550:37:58

-How would you make it a bit safer?

-Well, now... It's incomplete.

0:37:580:38:01

Well, I'm no aeronautical engineer, but I can see a flaw.

0:38:010:38:04

Yeah.

0:38:040:38:05

-Ryanair just get worse and worse, don't they?

-They do, don't they?

0:38:050:38:08

O'Leary would charge you for the extra air conditioning.

0:38:080:38:12

Is it so you get a cheaper ticket if you bring your own fuselage?

0:38:120:38:15

When Michael O'Leary dies, they should put him in his coffin

0:38:150:38:19

and then build a grave that is slightly too small for the coffin to fit into,

0:38:190:38:23

-so it's just like that baggage thing that you have to try and put the baggage in.

-Yes!

0:38:230:38:28

His family will be trying to shove him in, and when they can't,

0:38:280:38:30

-"Sorry, we'll have to charge you extra."

-Oh, there would be much cheering.

0:38:300:38:34

No. This was a rather cunning insight that when airplanes returned

0:38:340:38:37

you know, battered and hurt like that, that one there,

0:38:370:38:40

as you can see, has been pretty badly hurt,

0:38:400:38:43

but it came back and the crew survived.

0:38:430:38:46

But the ones that didn't come back were hit elsewhere.

0:38:460:38:51

If you're hit there, you can clearly survive.

0:38:510:38:54

So spend the money on extra armouring

0:38:540:38:56

on the bits where it wasn't hit.

0:38:560:38:59

And that's where its knees are.

0:38:590:39:00

And there are the fine, four Merlin engines.

0:39:020:39:06

It's good, isn't it? It's a clever insight.

0:39:060:39:08

It is quite cunning. So there you are.

0:39:080:39:10

But now we're going to close, very excitingly, with a jolly jape,

0:39:100:39:13

which I like to do from time to time,

0:39:130:39:15

which is to bring out a really extraordinary mechanism, a device.

0:39:150:39:18

It's called the Strandbeest.

0:39:180:39:21

And if you know Dutch, you'll know that means...

0:39:210:39:25

-Er, Strandbeest.

-Yeah.

-It means "sexy good times, Def Leppard".

0:39:250:39:29

That's all the Dutch I know.

0:39:290:39:33

Strand is like English word strand, beach.

0:39:330:39:36

And beest, as in hartebeest or wildebeest,

0:39:360:39:39

is beast, basically. So it...

0:39:390:39:41

-A sand beast.

-A sand beast.

0:39:410:39:44

So is this like a waiter that's done loads of tourists?

0:39:440:39:46

There's a man called Theo Jansen who's an extraordinary artist inventor,

0:39:460:39:50

-who has created this remarkable machine. Do you know about it?

-It walks along.

0:39:500:39:54

It walks on the sand without any electronics

0:39:540:39:56

or anything else like that, just powered by the wind.

0:39:560:39:59

I mean, it's extraordinary. Come of the things it can do -

0:39:590:40:01

No metallic or electronic parts, remember that.

0:40:010:40:03

It can detect the tide coming in, walk away from the water,

0:40:030:40:05

anchor itself by hammering a pin into the ground,

0:40:050:40:09

that's what it looks like, if the wind is too strong.

0:40:090:40:11

It can even store up air in bottles when the wind is blowing

0:40:110:40:14

and release it to keep itself moving when the wind drops.

0:40:140:40:16

Lots of clips on YouTube,

0:40:160:40:18

but you have to go to Holland to see them live on the beach.

0:40:180:40:21

But through the magic of the next big thing in tech,

0:40:210:40:23

which is 3D printing, where you can print an object out.

0:40:230:40:27

This is a 3D printed object, it's entirely 3D printed.

0:40:270:40:30

It needed no extra thing except the propeller on the end.

0:40:300:40:33

Wow.

0:40:330:40:34

And this is a version of the sea beast.

0:40:340:40:36

And instead of blowing,

0:40:360:40:38

I'm going to use a little sort of electric fan, like so.

0:40:380:40:41

There we go.

0:40:410:40:43

Whoa, whoa! Sand beast!

0:40:430:40:45

Isn't that cool?

0:40:470:40:49

That's great.

0:40:490:40:50

And that was printed out?

0:40:500:40:51

But isn't that an amazing object?

0:40:510:40:53

Oh, it looks really spooky.

0:40:540:40:56

I can't believe you got that from a 3D printer.

0:40:560:40:59

-I know.

-I feel like this is going to be bluff,

0:40:590:41:01

-that can't be a real thing.

-I promise you it's true.

0:41:010:41:04

So how does it work? Is it a block of resin?

0:41:040:41:06

It's basically lasers fusing powdered plastic together.

0:41:060:41:09

Even though they consist of at least

0:41:090:41:11

76 separate moving interlocking parts,

0:41:110:41:13

they emerge from the printer ready to operate without the need for

0:41:130:41:16

further assembly, with the exception of the addition of the propeller.

0:41:160:41:20

-No way.

-That's absolutely right.

0:41:200:41:22

-That is the future.

-Isn't it amazing?

0:41:220:41:24

You want to make sure you hit the right number of copies.

0:41:240:41:26

-Yeah.

-Don't you, when... Oh, 12, oh..

0:41:260:41:28

12, it does take rather a long time.

0:41:280:41:30

My house is full of sand beasts. Argh! There are sand beasts!

0:41:300:41:33

But they are becoming commercially available.

0:41:330:41:36

Now you can get a consumer 3D printer for about £1,600.

0:41:360:41:40

Although it's available on the QI website for £12.99.

0:41:400:41:43

I'm blown away by that, it's amazing.

0:41:430:41:45

I think we should, let's hear it for this amazing machine.

0:41:450:41:48

APPLAUSE

0:41:480:41:50

Brilliant.

0:41:500:41:51

Really impressive. How lovely.

0:41:510:41:53

Well, that brings us to the end of tonight's questions,

0:41:530:41:57

so please do join me now for the scoreboard.

0:41:570:42:00

We have a clear winner. With minus five points, it's Cal Wilson.

0:42:000:42:05

APPLAUSE

0:42:050:42:08

And a highly creditable blue and dewy-eyed second, with minus 24 is Jack Whitehall.

0:42:140:42:17

APPLAUSE

0:42:170:42:19

It's crowded at the bottom. That's a very unfortunate phrase.

0:42:250:42:29

With minus 45, in third place, Jimmy Carr.

0:42:290:42:34

-Minus 45?

-APPLAUSE

0:42:340:42:38

But, six of the best behind, on minus 51, Alan Davies!

0:42:380:42:44

APPLAUSE

0:42:440:42:47

Thank you all very much indeed for watching. That's all from Jack, Jimmy, Cal, Alan and me.

0:42:530:42:57

Spend the rest of your lives being extremely good to each other. Goodnight.

0:42:570:43:01

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