K-Folk QI XL

This programme contains some strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, GOOD...evening!

Good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI,

where tonight, we're cavorting with the K-folk.

Please welcome the kind-hearted Katherine Ryan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The keen-eyed Josh Widdicombe!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The king-sized Phill Jupitus!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And kiss my keister if it isn't Alan Davies!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And tonight, their buzzers have a story to tell.

Katherine goes...

CAVALRY TRUMPET

Josh goes...

WA-WA-WA!

Phill goes...

DRUM AND CYMBAL

And Alan goes...

SAWING

CREAKING AND CRASH

I hope you were sitting the right side of the branch, Alan.

So we start in the Kalahari. So tell me,

how did the meerkat cross the road?

Carefully. That's not a life-sized one, is it?

That's not... Well, it is a life-sized one.

I'd say it was in the foreground,

except there's a bit of road before it.

-Yes, it's confusing, isn't it?

-It's just a very tiny car.

It is, it's a little dinky car.

Do they cross in a group?

Like, you know when you see those kids

-in the reflective jackets...

-Yes.

..snaking across the road with some sort of handler?

I think that's what children have.

Well, meerkats are, despite their cutesy-cutesy reputation,

they're pretty mean, fierce animals.

And they have levels of superiority.

And the leading meerkat sends across

the less important meerkat to test the road.

-Amazing.

-And it's the youngsters...

-That'll be you tonight, Josh.

-Do you want me to test it tonight?

-It's your children...

-It's your first time,

you have to cross the set.

-Unbelievably, it's the children they send.

-The children?!

They send their little children.

Once again, that'll be me tonight.

Well, we do the same, we do the same with buggies.

Right? You push that, that's straight out into the road before you.

So, what are they testing?

That it's not going to get hit by a car?

Yeah, exactly. That it's safe.

And if the youngsters get gobbled, they go, "Oh, I'm not going there."

But do they not understand

that there might be another car in a minute?

Well, it seems odd, but all...

"No-one's been killed by a car, so we'll all be fine."

Are the tiny meerkats wearing high-vis jackets

like human children do,

or do they just rely on their own gorgeousness?

I think they rely on their own gorgeousness. But the leading,

-the sort of head, not exactly...

-ALL: Aw!

You see, you're all going, "Aw!"

I don't fancy that one at the bottom's chances, if that's a road.

No, exactly. He knows he's about to be sent.

That one behind him is just about to do that.

You have alpha females with meerkats

-and, in fact, they kill each other's children.

-What?!

Yes, they're pretty nasty animals, when it comes to it, I'm afraid.

-They're not very nice at all.

-I hate them.

They're child murderers, to be perfectly honest.

Here are three young meerkats crossing the...

HE IMITATES FAST CAR

IMITATES HORN BEEPING

Two have spotted the vehicle.

Will the youngest one...?

Barry did not.

Unfortunately, because of the adverts,

a lot of people have bought them as pets.

And they very soon abandon them because they're smelly,

they're aggressive and they attack people they don't know.

But do you know what, these people have never died

-crossing a road, have they?

-No, they haven't. Exactly.

And the meerkat, always worried

that someone's about to kick them in the knackers.

They do have that look too.

It looks like someone's about to take a free kick, doesn't it?

It does.

The only thing that could make that picture even more gorgeous

would be three tiny pianos.

Meerkats know each other by their calls individually

and you can send a meerkat almost insane

by recording one meerkat's voice that it knows,

playing it in a certain area

and then whizzing round to another area and playing it again,

-and it will...

-Why would you do such a thing?!

-It's very mean, but they get utterly baffled by the fact...

-Barry!

How can you be in two places at once?

There is no meerkat called Barry, by the way, but it's...

-Oh, come on, there will be.

-No.

But you could do that with a human voice, because we recognise

everyone through their voices as well, don't we?

-True, but we also know about recordings.

-Oh, yeah.

-So they would probably guess.

-It's a trick missed.

-Maybe you don't.

-There was a time when only one person

knew about recordings. Ho-ho! He had great fun.

Well, there you go. The meerkat road safety code

is to send the kids across first.

Now, Alan, why will you never eat my noodles?

It was bound to happen that this show

would just become about you two.

Just haven't agreed on a fee, have we?

If you remember, we're involving people

from countries beginning with K.

-Kenya.

-Well, which have a particular association perhaps with noodles.

-Kent.

-Kent!

Famous for the Kentish pasta.

No... East.

Korea.

Thank you, Josh. In Korea, noodles, of course, are very popular.

Of course.

"When will I eat your noodles?" means...

"When are you getting married?" In other words,

when are you going to be throwing a party

in which you will serve noodles?

So it's just a Korean phrase.

-It's like saying, "When are you going to tie the knot?"

-Oh.

When am I going to eat your noodles?

But you're already married, so I'm not going to eat your noodles,

and you didn't invite me to your wedding.

-I did invite you, you didn't come.

-Oh, that's right.

LAUGHTER

I was abroad, of course.

-I was abroad.

-Yeah, you know what you were doing,

-you were filming an episode of Bones.

-Yes, I was, I was.

-I've never been so insulted in my life!

-I'm so sorry.

I'm so... Oh, God, how embarrassing. I'm so sorry.

Anyway, that's what it means. Here are some other Korean phrases...

"The other man's rice cake always looks bigger."

What would be the British equivalent of that?

"The grass is always greener."

Or as my uncle used to say, "The other man's arse is always cleaner."

"If there are too many ferrymen on a boat,

"it will sail up a mountain."

Is that just literal?

Well, yes, it's probably... Maybe.

If they say that in North Korea, the boat is going up the mountain.

-That's true.

-"Too many cooks spoil the broth."

Too many cocks... Too many cooks spoil the broth.

"So, Stephen, tell me about your childhood!"

OK, here's one. "Pummelling a dead monk."

LAUGHTER

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

Yeah, but if you've got erectile dysfunction,

you're pummelling the dead monk!

-"Flogging the dead horse?"

-It's flogging a dead horse.

It's criticising an enemy who's already defeated.

It's a useless exercise.

"He worked as if he were tending the grave of his wife's uncle."

-That's brilliant.

-What would that mean?

-I might start using that.

-Not much.

-Yes, is the answer.

-He did bugger-all.

Because in Korea, it is your duty to tend the graves of your family.

But the more distant the family, the less attention you give the grave.

So all he was doing was just, basically,

sprinkling a little bit of water on the...

It's only his wife's uncle.

Whereas his grandfather, his father or his mother,

he'd be putting flowers and giving it great attention.

-So that's what that means.

-So like "shagging the dog."

Not really.

Not really, Katherine.

Is there something you want to share with us?

"Like shagging the dog?"

Yeah, like, if you don't work very hard,

you're just shagging the dog.

LAUGHTER

Not in this country, madam!

In this country, when we shag a dog, we know what we're doing.

And it's pretty hard work, I can tell you.

Not as easy as it looks, I tell you that.

-So in Canada, you have the phrase "shagging the dog"?

-Yeah.

-Wow.

Or like, "shagging the sheep," if you want, whatever.

That's not a phrase.

Again, perfectly common practice over here,

but not considered a light or unburdensome task.

It just means, like, having an easy day.

-There's a lot I have to learn about Canada.

-Well, I suppose it's easy

because with, like, a lady, you have to take her out to dinner

or woo her a bit, but with a dog,

it's just like, "Here, boy, come on!"

Oh, I see.

You say that, you say that...

But I'd say once he's here,

most of the work is still to be done in that situation.

Yes. And I'm thinking it... Oh, let's move on.

So, "You wouldn't notice even if a friend at the same table died."

-What can that mean?

-The food was delicious.

Absolutely spot-on!

-APPLAUSE

-Well done!

Yeah. The food was so damn good that even if a friend died at the table

you wouldn't notice, cos you'd... Brilliant, well done!

-PHILL: That's pretty classy.

-That is classy, isn't it? I like it.

Someone dies at the table, you're going, "Could I see the dessert menu?"

That's how good it was. "My eyebrows are on fire."

-"I can hardly believe what I've seen."

-Nnnn...

-No?

-Aaaa...

-It... Ears on fire?

-"Help me, I'm burning!"

"I'm in a really desperate situation."

Yeah, "I'm in a desperate situation."

"Showing off your wrinkles to a silkworm"?

You have found a silkworm in your underpants.

Silkworms are pretty wrinkly.

So if you show your wrinkles to a silkworm, he's going to go,

"Nah, I can do better than that."

-So it's like teaching your grandmother to suck eggs.

-Oh.

It's... That's what it means.

-Imagine how wrinkly a silkworm's knackers are.

-Exactly.

And finally, "He disappeared like a fart through hemp pyjamas."

I think that one speaks for itself, doesn't it?

It does. It's a Korean phrase.

"Awkwardly," basically.

Embarrassingly, awkwardly, not with maximum grace.

Now, who are these men and what did they have for breakfast?

-The guy there, front left...

-Yes?

..he looks like he's having a Calippo for breakfast.

He does, doesn't he? He does.

It's a very early Calippo commercial.

A very early Calippo commercial, absolutely right.

They've got the lifestyle element of the Calippo commercial all wrong.

Calippos have changed over the years.

Bizarrely, when first made, they were for poor mining regions.

Well, this is a poor village.

Is that the Dales? Is it Yorkshire, is it in the North?

-It's not, it's remoter. It's British, but remote.

-Oh.

-Is it Devon?

-Hebrides.

The Hebrides is right, and it's the remotest of all of them...

-Kelp.

-..and the largest.

-Seaweed, do they eat seaweed?

They don't eat seaweed.

They lived, for a thousand years, this community...

-On kittens.

-On Calippos?!

For a thousand years, this community was isolated from Britain.

They lived on gannets and skuas and puffins.

It's the largest puffin colony in Britain,

the largest gannet colony in the world.

-So can you think of the name of the island?

-Is it...? No, I can't, no.

It's St Kilda. St Kilda.

And who was St Kilda?

I'll give you ten points if you can tell me.

-Patron Saint of Ducks.

-Was St Kilda male or female?

-Male.

-Male.

-No.

-Female.

No. No. St Kilda was not a saint.

It's merely, unfortunately, a sort of...

Font?

It's an old Norse word for a shield, "skildir,"

and it just became St Kilda.

But it's not a saint at all.

So it's known as St Kilda.

And it wasn't until 1930, the last 36 natives of St Kilda

voluntarily left their ancestral home.

But, oddly enough,

they were given jobs in the British Forestry Commission,

and there hadn't been trees on St Kilda for 1,500 years,

so none of the St Kildans had ever seen a tree before.

And they were given jobs in forestry.

-IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-"What the fuck is that?!"

I imagine, I mean, because they're big...

-Trees are big.

-I mean, the reaction - "Argh! Orks!"

-So did they want to come to Britain?

-Sorry?

-When we brought them all over here in the '30s...

-Yeah?

-..weren't they resistant?

-No, no, it's voluntary.

I mean, this was a place that was so windy

that, literally, sheep were blown off the cliffs.

It's terribly sad.

And there was one windy period where for a week afterwards,

they were all deaf.

I mean, it really... It was a pretty hostile climate.

I'm still very confused,

cos I feel like until you told me about the wind

and the dead sheep, it sounded like a beautiful place to live.

-And now, yeah.

-Because it's sunny and, like, in the '30s,

nobody wanted to live here, no offence.

It now sounds a bit more like Canada, doesn't it, to be honest?

Wahey! Sorry. No, no, no, I'm only kidding.

And it's like, you know, they had all these delicious birds,

like the original Nandos. I...

-I would like to live there.

-Yeah.

I want to find St Kilda and see what they're about.

I dare say you could visit it.

What we saw was actually the parliament, the men only, gathering.

-What?

-Wow.

-That's their parliament, and they talk until...

-Cabinet meeting.

-Are they split down the middle by party?

They talk about what the issues of the day...

"I'm holding the Calippo, it's my turn to speak."

The worst thing is that dog in the middle is the Prime Minister.

PHILL: No, he's the Minister of Forestry.

No trees and dogs. That's just cruel!

In the middle of the 19th century the first apple arrived in St Kilda

which caused absolute astonishment.

Wait until they see the apple tree, they'll go mental!

Exactly. Wait till they see the trees.

-There's a Disney movie in this, I really love this place.

-There is, isn't there?

Were they allowed to have sex with their family?

I would imagine it was almost inevitable that they would have done, I'm afraid.

I grew up in a remote area. I had four people in my year at school.

-Where?

-In Devon, on Dartmoor.

-Really?

-Yeah. Wow, oh, in Widecombe? Or near Widecombe?

-Nearby. Two boys, two girls.

-Were you home-schooled?

-No.

-It'd work.

-That was like all the kids around me.

So this is quite familiar to you, then?

That's my dad, third from the left.

And the prison bell went... Was Dartmoor...

No, no, I was at a school.

-But when a prisoner escapes they ring the bell, don't they?

-Yeah, but...

Did that ever happen? No...

Well, it's not that loud a bell, so I don't think it happened...

I don't think my parents would have told me.

Wouldn't it be terrible if it sounded the same as the break bell so you never know...

"Is it break or serial killer?"

You'd come in from the playground and there'd be an extra guy in your class that was 40.

Arrows on his suit.

And you had the little ponies, the Dartmoor ponies?

-Yeah, miniature ponies.

-Oh, wonderful.

Yeah, it's a little bit more romantic than growing up in...

-Where did you grow up?

-I... Barking in...

-And Chigwell, are we...

-Loughton.

Loughton, I beg your pardon. Essex.

And I was in Norfolk, which has its own charm, and you were in...

-Ontario somewhere?

-I'm from a place called Sarnia.

-Sarnia?

-Yeah.

-How far is that from Toronto?

You just go through a wardrobe...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

"Look, Mr Tumnus, don't do that to the dog!"

-It's just like that.

-Is it near, like, Peterborough, Hamilton,

those sort of places?

-You know a lot about Canada.

-Yes, I do.

I say it's three hours WORSE than Toronto.

Oh. Well, they say of Toronto,

it's New York run by the Swiss, don't they?

It's kind of charming, but just a little bit too sterile.

I hated Switzerland, have you been to Switzerland?

No, I don't like Switzerland either very much. The Alps are charming.

I paid seven quid for a cup of tea.

-No?!

-Yeah.

-Mug.

A cock up, really.

Anyway, anyway, let's move on.

Where should you go to find Kiev railway station?

Other than Kiev.

-ALAN:

-Well, now...

-Oh.

Hull, did you say?

Yes, Stephen, Hull!

-Let the siren go off on Hull...

-Nobody's guessed.

Nobody guessed you'd say Hull.

Kettering! Let's work our way through.

-No, no, no...

-Is there not one? There must be one.

There is a Kiev station. It's in a very major city in Russia.

-Moscow.

-Moscow. And it's the station that takes the trains to Kiev.

-ALL: Oh!

-So they have a St Petersburg...

They have a St Petersburg station as well.

If you want to go to St Petersburg in Moscow, you go to St Petersburg station.

There's a kind of logic to it.

A huge number of towns and cities in England have a London Road, for example,

that go TO London, they're not IN London. London Road isn't in London.

RUSSIAN ACCENT: This is why I do not understand London. I go there...

Newcastle is not here! It is in Newcastle, which is stupid.

That's why the signage has to be so explanatory

cos the Russians won't help. They don't want to give any customer service over there.

-Have you been?

-They don't.

-RUSSIAN ACCENT:

-It's not possible. It's not possible. It's not...

Read the sign, don't speak to the people.

-True, and, of course...

-I was in Red Square, in Moscow,

and I wanted to have a photo taken, and there was one of those guys

-with the massive peak caps and the green uniform.

-Oh, yes.

I asked, "Would you take a photo of me?"

And he said, "No".

They...

They are very good at being rude.

"I've been watching you, half an hour, standing there looking pissed off.

One person's asking for a little thing.

I just went like that, with him in the background.

Very good.

APPLAUSE

So, where is the Kremlin?

-Oh, I know this.

-Yes?

It's... There's more than one.

Excellent, you're absolutely right

-because almost every Russian city has a Kremlin.

-Does it really?

Yeah, it's... The fortifying walls originally around a city are a kremlin.

We know a famous one, which is the one in Moscow,

but there's one in almost every city you can think of in Russia.

Very good, Josh.

RUSSIAN ACCENT: I go to Cardiff looking for Tower of London.

Is this country stupid?

And also, your women pop groups, they on television, not in prison.

Now, there you go. Here's a question...

If you follow a kulgrinda, where will it get you?

Oh, oh, oh, it's not... No.

-It's not that... Oh, no.

-What?

-No, that thing...

-What could you be thinking?

-That thing, that application.

-That thing...

-I can't imagine what you're talking about.

Yes, you know, you know, you know...

Turn it on now, how many are in the studio? I bet...

I imagine your outfit will set it off straightaway, Phill.

I'm just bear bait.

This is not, this is nothing to do with...

-No, it's nothing to do with that?

-..the gay man-on-man action app, no.

OK.

Kulgrinda is spelt K-U-L-G-R-I-N-D-A.

It's a rather remarkable thing that exists in the Baltic.

Particularly in Lithuania,

but also in Kaliningrad.

A naturally occurring phenomenon?

No, it's a man-made phenomenon, which is a very cunning way

of deceiving your enemies,

running away from them, or causing them to drown.

Making a misty fog thing?

No. What you do is

you make stepping stones that are under the water...

A cunning thing.

..which are enough for you to stand on,

but only you know where they are.

The really cunning thing is how you lay them.

In the winter, it's incredibly cold,

so you get these huge stepping stones, put them in a line

across the ice, and as the ice melts, they drop and form a line.

And if they're big enough, you can actually drive a coach over them.

I mean, you've got to be pretty sure you're going to be chased soon,

to go to that trouble.

The Estonians and Kaliningradians were pretty often at war.

-There was a lot of war going on.

-It'll happen this year.

"I think we will be chased in the summer."

They were often invaded.

"Which way shall we go? Over the river..."

"I'm going to make a kulgrinda, will you help?"

"Only if you're certain about this chase.

"Tell me more about it, who's involved?"

Basically, you set it up

and then you start a game of 'It' in about June.

RUSSIAN ACCENT: I tried to walk across River Thames,

they don't have kulgrinda, it's stupid.

I hate this country.

That is very similar - your Lithuanian accent - to your Russian accent, by the way.

-They're really... Did you not here the "eell, eell, eell"?

-Ah, yes.

The most famous one is the Sietuva swamp,

which the Lithuanian explorer Ludwik Krzywicki

navigated by coach in 1903.

And he wrote that at the deepest point,

the water was up to the sides of his horse.

So they're really impressive little things.

I'd say the most famous one is the one Jesus used.

That's true.

-To trick everyone in the Bible.

-That's true.

That's very true. But, here's a supplementary question -

where can you get arrested for wearing a seat belt?

Oh, is this... Is it... Oh. Is it somewhere where the road is by water?

Well, we're still in the Baltic region.

In Estonia they have lakes that freeze over

and there are roads on them, you can drive on them.

But... And you can see that. And you can drive along them

because it's 22cm thick, the ice, and it won't give way,

but you're not allowed to wear a seat belt

in case you slip over or something and you get trapped.

So, it's actually safer not to wear a seat belt.

The other thing... Why would this be?

You mustn't drive between 25 and 40kph.

Is it like Back To The Future?

-Vroom!

-Flame-coloured from your DeLorean!

-You can drive faster?

-Yes, you can drive faster or slower,

-but not between 25 and 40.

-Not between those?

-Yeah, those particular speeds.

-Same speed as a polar bear.

No, it's a bit like marching over bridges in step.

-Oh, is it to do with...

-Oh, it's the vibrations.

It sets up vibrations that might crack the ice.

-Those particular speeds.

-Why wouldn't a faster...

Is it just those speeds, the resonance...

At those speeds it's the resonance, yeah, just something to do with the frequency.

Interesting, isn't it? Well, we hope it's interesting, otherwise to hell with this programme.

The US Antarctic Program, the other side of the world,

near McMurdo Sound,

they, every year, construct... What do they construct on the ice?

-I mean, it's...

-ALAN:

-Massive ice Jenga.

-It's also to do with transport.

-Ice plane.

-Well, not an ice plane, but a...

-Boat.

-PHILL: An airport.

-Yeah, a runway.

A runway, so they can land their planes at McMurdo.

Yeah, they have to redo it every year.

-How do they grip it?

-It's... Ice, you know, it's not too bad.

What? Ice isn't too bad to grip?!

-Have you seen Dancing On Ice?

-Not that sort of ice.

-Dancing On Ice is all that sort of...

-That's what they said to the pilot.

"Oh, no, actually, it's not as bad as you think.

"It's not the sticky ice, it's the other one."

"We landed two hours ago and we still seem to be going along."

There's an element of that.

All right. Now, what is there to say about long-necked Karen?

She's got lovely eyes.

Yeah, you're always the first to see the nice...

That's one of those Family Fortunes ones, isn't it?

-We've had this before.

-Oh, yes. "Survey said..."

"Name a bird with a long neck."

And the bloke goes, "Naomi Campbell."

-This is clearly not Naomi.

-No, Emu.

Karen is the answer here. Who is this Karen?

Tom Cruise always likes girls, like, tall girls with long necks,

but then he doesn't let them wear heels around him.

No, because he is not the tallest man in the world.

Well, then why date the girls with the long necks?

So they can spot predators.

-Say again...

-Tribe, is it a tribe?

-Tribe.

-The Karen tribe.

-The Karen tribe.

"Oh, hello, all right? Lovely to see you."

"Hiya, you all right?"

The neighbouring Tracey tribe...

-ALAN:

-Argh!

-They hate the Traceys.

-"Stay away from Gary!"

Here come the Garys.

-HE GRUNTS

-"Bovered?"

But the tribe we're talking about, the Padaung Karen tribe, from...?

-Do they put rings round the...?

-Exactly, let's have a look at them.

-Extending over time.

-There we are, look at that.

-Oh, my word.

-Wow!

-Wow, isn't that impressive?

It looks like she's kind of been bred with a Slinky.

-They're so-called giraffe-necked...

-At the end of the day, "Oh!"

Well, they can't...

LAUGHTER

"Beryl, Beryl, why are the curtains on the...? Oh."

You know when you have a jack-in-the-box ready to go?

-Oh, yes.

-P-ding!

Maybe that's what would happen, rather than go down, it just goes...

The surprising thing is that X-rays show that their necks...

They can't have any more vertebrae, can they?

No. X-rays show their necks are not longer than normal people's.

-So what's going on?

-It's just that we're all hunchy.

That does look quite long, but it's actually what's lower

-is the collarbone, or are the collarbones.

-Wow.

They're supposed to wear them until they get married,

but a lot of them keep them on forever.

It's a sign of beauty, traditionally,

although it's supposed also to protect them against tigers,

who will attack them by the neck. That's one theory.

That is great, I always thought,

OK, maybe they're sacred, all right, it looks pretty...

-Tigers! I'm totally with it now.

-Yeah, it's tiger-proof.

-Put those around your neck.

-Exactly.

-All right.

Most of them now live in Thailand, having fled Burma,

and you can pay to go and see them.

There's another nearby tribe, who also wear brass coils,

not only around their necks, but around their lower knees and arms.

I don't think this is so mad, really. I think... I get it with the tigers

and here, you've got Katy Price doing loads of crazy stuff

to her body and all her friends, and they look lovely,

but they're, like, orange and they've got fake hair and fake nails,

-how is this worse?

-You're absolutely right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

APPLAUSE Yeah, girls, yeah.

Points to Katherine, naturally, for that good observation.

Now, just how badly wrong could a house-warming go in one of these?

-Nice house.

-That man is a big fan of the show.

Let's see the rest of him, go on, it's past the watershed.

-The house doesn't look warm at all to me, it looks cold in there.

-It does look cool in there.

All of his guests have to arrive by helicopter.

"Doreen, I love squirrels, what can I say?"

-Well, we've looked at the Karen tribe...

-Is this real?

This is another tribe, these are the Korowai tribe.

They're a New Guinea tribe who live entirely in tree houses.

They are the only people in the world, apart from the Kombai,

another tribe, who also live only in tree houses.

Each house lasts on average about five years

and then they rebuild somewhere else.

They take their pets up, everything, and that's where they live.

How do they go to the toilet?

Well, the long drop, I guess, is the answer.

-What? You're walking past...

-Yes! Don't walk past is the answer.

They are roofed with leaves from branches,

like a house you'd see anywhere, to stop the rain getting in and...

With a little pediment, it's very splendid.

Once installed, though,

they celebrate by lighting a ceremonial fire,

the whole thing's made of wood,

but it's kept safe by suspending the fireplace in a hole in the floor,

and if the fire gets too big it just drops down to the ground.

-You'd think it would set fire to the struts.

-Burn the whole forest.

Yeah! but it seems to work,

they've been doing it for a very, very long time.

One of the marvellous things about them is they had no idea at all

that there were any other human beings in the world until 1970.

That is pretty astonishing.

Anyway, the Korowai have open fires in their houses,

even though they're made entirely of wood and 30m off the ground.

Now, where's the best place to keep

a load of old rubbish from the 1980s?

-My loft.

-Your loft?!

No, this is a story you're not likely to know,

but it is a 16-year voyage of a ship.

It's called the Khian Sea, trying to offload rubbish from Pennsylvania.

In 1986, it was loaded with 15,000 tons of non-toxic ash,

bound for dumping in the Bahamas. But they said no,

so they went to Puerto Rico, Bermuda, the Dominican Republic,

Honduras, Guinea-Bissau and the Netherlands Antilles.

They all said no.

Then they cunningly re-classified the cargo

as "topsoil fertiliser"

and managed to get rid of 4,000 tons of it in Haiti.

And then they were rumbled and sent packing.

So they then went to Senegal, Cape Verde, Yugoslavia, Sri Lanka,

Indonesia and the Philippines.

And then Singapore, where she was found to be empty.

And then the captain and the ship's executives admitted

they'd dumped the ash at sea and were jailed.

And at the insistence of Haiti,

the ship had to go back to pick up the 4,000 tons they'd left behind.

So eventually, Pennsylvania, where it originated from,

took it back, and in 2002, 16 years later,

it was off-loaded and taken by train to a landfill just 120 miles

where it had originally come from.

How impressive is that?

I quite like the idea of that boat sailing around

and the captain, with a teaspoon, just going...

Like in a prison yard, bring it out of the bottom of his trousers.

And the amazing thing is, it wasn't toxic,

it's just people didn't want American rubbish...

Don't say anything. Erm...

-How does ash go away?

-You landfill.

-That's it?

-Yeah.

Eco-friendly Sweden uses so much waste

to power its generators that it actually has to import rubbish.

And Norway pays Sweden to take 80,000 tons a year,

which Sweden then turns into power

and then they send the ash back to Norway for landfilling.

-So why don't we all do that?

-Why? Exactly. Good old Sweden.

-Let's hear it for the Swedes. Yay!

-APPLAUSE

They're good, we like the Swedes.

One of the Maldives, unfortunately, Thilafushi,

is an artificial island made entirely out of rubbish, which is really distressing.

The country's residents and tourists produce so much garbage,

the island is growing by one square metre a day.

-That is really, really upsetting, isn't it?

-Ay, Chihuahua!

I haven't been recycling for the last month because...

-PHILL GASPS

-I saw your face then, I was like...

-Yeah.

..Cos someone stole my recycling bin from outside the front of my house.

-Oh!

-Which I don't know what the morals are on that crime.

Are they good for sledding? I bet they're great for sledding.

Was it you?

I just got the lid.

Were you luging on Josh's lid?

-How wrong of you, how wrong of you.

-What did you just say?!

Luging.

-That's when you go...

-Yeah, but it's just that combination of words.

-I know, well, that's what we like.

-Yeah.

-Yes.

-It's fun.

-Delicious.

There's a shop at the end of my road that takes clothing

and they send it to Africa

and they give you money for it, and I was thinking,

"Great, I've got lots of designer baby items,"

and so, I brought all this stuff down, like cute little things,

I'm showing them to the guy...

He doesn't care what it is, he just cares about how much of it there is.

-In weight or volume?

-They weigh it, so if you've got, like, big old trousers,

you get more money than if you've got beautiful little baby stuff.

-And where's this shop?

-It's right...

I took some stuff to my local charity shop, some clothes,

and I've become increasing irate

that I haven't made the window display yet.

Yes, never give a gift you've been given to a charity shop,

cos that will go in the window and your friend who gave it to you will pass it.

-Believe me, I've done it.

-Buy it and give it to you again.

Yes, exactly.

LAUGHTER

Oh, dear, and so the whirligig of time brings in its revenges.

Now, name the nearest Third World country?

-Oh, steady, we could get into all sorts of trouble.

-Yes, you could.

Oh, hello.

I'm not going to make any jokes about our near neighbours

-on this fine island.

-Good. Let's just say...

it's as well that you didn't say Wales, or Scotland.

I'm too scared to answer.

Let me give you the original definition of a Third World nation,

then you'll be less embarrassed, all right?

-French historian Alfred Sauvy coined...

-France!

ALARM WAILS

-We jumped the gun. ..coined the phrase...

-Oh, Stephen!

..the Third World, "le monde troisieme," in 1952.

It meant "states not politically aligned with the USSR or the USA,"

ie, the Soviet Bloc or with America.

So any state that wasn't in some way politically aligned

was called Third World.

Now, which is the nearest one of those to us?

France was, although it wasn't a member of NATO,

-it was politically aligned.

-Ireland wasn't, was it?

Ireland is the right answer.

-The one I was most afraid of saying.

-Oh, there, you see!

It's only more recently that it became a term meaning poverty.

And nowadays, of course, it's not a politically correct

word to use, anyway. We don't say a Third World country, we say...?

-Developing.

-The developing world, exactly.

We say a vibrant tourist destination.

Absolutely, bravo! That's exactly what we say.

-Unspoiled, we say, unspoiled.

-Unspoiled, exactly.

There is Fourth World, however, what does Fourth World refer to?

-Essex.

-LAUGHTER

You're lucky you can get away with that cos you come from there,

but the Center for World Indigenous Studies

says it means, essentially, dispossessed people,

such as Kurds or Romanies and such like.

They are Fourth World.

If you're Irish in Britain there's something you can do

that you can't do if you're British in Ireland.

-Piss in the street.

-Open a theme pub.

"Piss in the street!" "Open a theme pub!"

Riverdance!

-Yeah, sing in pubs.

-No, it's really an important right.

-Vote?

-Vote! Amazingly, Irish citizens living in Britain

can vote in British general elections.

British citizens living in Ireland

cannot vote in Republic of Ireland general elections.

Now, which country's national anthem is the Land Of The Free?

America?

-ALARM WAILS

-America is not the right answer, I'm afraid.

They sing it. Beyonce sang it.

It's in the lyrics - "The home of the brave and the land of the free," but...

-Is it somewhere incredibly not free?

-No, it's free.

-Free-ish?

It's the only flag of an independent sovereign nation

that has human beings on it, two of them as a matter of fact.

-Are they copulating?

-They're not copulating.

If it's any help to you, they're chopping wood.

-Are they dancing Gangnam Style?

-It's one of those freaky islands, isn't it?

-Oh, it's...

-"One of those freaky islands!"

-Well, it is!

One of the lines is, "By the might of truth and the grace of God,

"no longer shall we be hewers of wood."

Mordor.

LAUGHTER

Give us more clues, we can get this, come on.

-It was once a British possession...

-Belize.

-Yes!

-Come on!

-Very good!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Very good.

-PHILL: Very good.

Belize, formerly known as British Honduras

and it says the national anthem is called the Land Of The Free.

The name of the American national anthem is?

-ALL:

-The Star-Spangled Banner -

"Oh, say, can you see by the dawn's early light," et cetera, et cetera.

-Who wrote the words for that, do you know?

-Jay Z.

It was a man called Francis Scott Key and what's interesting about him...

-Joe Biden is absolutely hating that!

-He's not looking happy, is he?

-And neither is the other guy.

-PHILL: "I wanted to sing it!

"I have a beautiful, piercing alto, yeah."

Anyway, Francis Scott Key gave his first three names to

a distant cousin

who was Francis Scott Key, surname,

one of the greatest writers of the 20th century.

-Fitzgerald?

-Yes, F Scott Fitzgerald's real name was

Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald because he was a cousin of the man

who gave us the words of the Star-Spangled Banner.

And finally, a really easy one, does the Paris-Dakar Rally

start in Paris and end in Dakar, or start in Dakar and end in Paris?

It starts in France and ends in Africa.

-Oh!

-ALARM WAILS

Sorry. Anybody else?

-Is it neither?

-Yes.

-Well, I know it ends in Africa...

-It doesn't.

..so I presumed it started in France.

-It doesn't end in Africa.

-Where does it end?

-In South America.

-What?!

-What?!

-What the heck?!

No, the Paris-Dakar rally has been held in South America

for the last five years, since threats in 2007 from Al-Qaeda.

And so the organisers relocated it in South America.

-Really?

-Absolutely.

The Mongol Rally starts in England and ends in Ulan Bator,

which is the capital of Outer Mongolia, as I'm sure you know.

I'd just take a mobile phone, rather than doing that.

There, you see the...

-The problem is, you can't get the signal.

-This is 1990.

It starts in London and ends in Ulan Bator.

And what route does it take?

A2.

-The fact is...

-He's not wrong.

The fact is, any way you want to go. Because there is...

-A33.

-There is no set route, you can just choose to go through...

-Dover, Folkestone.

-..whichever countries

will allow you to get through them.

They don't want to cramp the style of the rallyists.

In India, there's a very good rally called the Blind Man's Car Rally.

A 40-mile race in which blind navigators use a Braille map.

The drivers are sighted, but they must adhere to the directions given

by their unsighted navigators, who are using Braille.

Even if they know it's going to be a collision?

"Left, left, left!"

Anyway, now we have a Knick-Knack exploding custard powder experiment.

For something to explode, you need certain things.

You need something to light -

in this case, custard powder.

You need something to light it with

and you need oxygen.

But you need a little bit more than that,

because if I try and light this custard powder, you will see...

ALAN IMITATES EXPLOSION

..that nothing happens.

The trick custard powder, ha-ha!

I blew his arm off! Ha-ha!

It doesn't... The whole point is, nothing happens.

Nothing would happen to that, it's custard, you fool.

I bet Heston could make it burn.

Ah. He couldn't in this state.

-No?

-What you need, in order to get something like custard,

or any powder, even metallic powder, to burn and really burn,

is one of these ordinary everyday objects like this.

As you may see, I have a funnel and I have some safety glasses,

to save my beautiful eyelashes.

And I have a lighter.

I miss Jacques Cousteau.

And I have a pump.

ALAN IMITATES DIVER'S BREATHING

I have a pump that rather wants to fall over.

So we'll just raise this here...

-HE CONTINUES TO IMITATE DIVER

-..so it doesn't fall over. OK...

What I'm going to do...

I don't want to know what you're going to do!

What I'm going to do is - I'm going to pour the custard powder

in this funnel. And I'm going to...

I'm going to present a flame across it.

-Oh...

-Yes. Yes. Be afraid, be very afraid.

-Can I use Alan as a human shield?

-No, you're the shield, you're new!

-Oh, my God!

-Ooh, ho-ho!

-There's flame,

-there's custard powder in there.

-"I feel the need!

"The need for speed!"

-All I need to do...

-Where are you going?!

Why the fuck am I next to it?!

I'm going to the pump.

I'm just going to the pump,

-because I'm going to pump...

-We are now nearer than you!

Can you see what I'm going to do? I'm pumping air...

There's just too many double entendres, you pumping custard.

Stop it. Are your ready for me to pump the custard?!

Oh, my God, don't do it!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All right.

Oh, God!

Yes, I'm ready for you to pump your custard.

I need a countdown from the audience.

This is not how I wanted to go, I've got to be honest.

Audience, I want you to count me down from three...

AUDIENCE: ..two, one,

go!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Wasn't that dangerous!

Well, it's quite warm there, actually.

-Can you feel the heat?

-Yeah, I can feel the heat.

-SHOUTING:

-If I'd been sitting there, I could have been igni...

-QUIETLY:

-I could have been ignited.

You could have been covered in hot custard.

I told you before you did this experiment!

Which hot and exciting experiment brings me

to the little matter of the scores.

And they are fascinating.

In last place, although he's played it so many times,

with minus nine, is Phill Jupitus.

APPLAUSE

A highly creditable third place, with minus eight, Katherine Ryan.

APPLAUSE Wow!

First appearance, second place, with minus seven, it's Josh Widdicombe.

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, can you believe your ears?

14 points, in the lead, with plus seven, is Alan Davies!

CHEERING

Enormous thanks to Katherine, Phill, Josh and Alan. Good night.

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