K-Folk QI XL


K-Folk

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This programme contains some strong language

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Well, GOOD...evening!

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Good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI,

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where tonight, we're cavorting with the K-folk.

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Please welcome the kind-hearted Katherine Ryan!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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The keen-eyed Josh Widdicombe!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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The king-sized Phill Jupitus!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And kiss my keister if it isn't Alan Davies!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And tonight, their buzzers have a story to tell.

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Katherine goes...

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CAVALRY TRUMPET

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Josh goes...

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WA-WA-WA!

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Phill goes...

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DRUM AND CYMBAL

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And Alan goes...

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SAWING

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CREAKING AND CRASH

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I hope you were sitting the right side of the branch, Alan.

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So we start in the Kalahari. So tell me,

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how did the meerkat cross the road?

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Carefully. That's not a life-sized one, is it?

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That's not... Well, it is a life-sized one.

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I'd say it was in the foreground,

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except there's a bit of road before it.

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-Yes, it's confusing, isn't it?

-It's just a very tiny car.

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It is, it's a little dinky car.

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Do they cross in a group?

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Like, you know when you see those kids

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-in the reflective jackets...

-Yes.

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..snaking across the road with some sort of handler?

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I think that's what children have.

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Well, meerkats are, despite their cutesy-cutesy reputation,

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they're pretty mean, fierce animals.

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And they have levels of superiority.

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And the leading meerkat sends across

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the less important meerkat to test the road.

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-Amazing.

-And it's the youngsters...

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-That'll be you tonight, Josh.

-Do you want me to test it tonight?

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-It's your children...

-It's your first time,

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you have to cross the set.

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-Unbelievably, it's the children they send.

-The children?!

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They send their little children.

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Once again, that'll be me tonight.

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Well, we do the same, we do the same with buggies.

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Right? You push that, that's straight out into the road before you.

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So, what are they testing?

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That it's not going to get hit by a car?

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Yeah, exactly. That it's safe.

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And if the youngsters get gobbled, they go, "Oh, I'm not going there."

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But do they not understand

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that there might be another car in a minute?

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Well, it seems odd, but all...

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"No-one's been killed by a car, so we'll all be fine."

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Are the tiny meerkats wearing high-vis jackets

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like human children do,

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or do they just rely on their own gorgeousness?

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I think they rely on their own gorgeousness. But the leading,

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-the sort of head, not exactly...

-ALL: Aw!

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You see, you're all going, "Aw!"

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I don't fancy that one at the bottom's chances, if that's a road.

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No, exactly. He knows he's about to be sent.

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That one behind him is just about to do that.

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You have alpha females with meerkats

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-and, in fact, they kill each other's children.

-What?!

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Yes, they're pretty nasty animals, when it comes to it, I'm afraid.

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-They're not very nice at all.

-I hate them.

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They're child murderers, to be perfectly honest.

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Here are three young meerkats crossing the...

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HE IMITATES FAST CAR

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IMITATES HORN BEEPING

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Two have spotted the vehicle.

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Will the youngest one...?

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Barry did not.

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Unfortunately, because of the adverts,

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a lot of people have bought them as pets.

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And they very soon abandon them because they're smelly,

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they're aggressive and they attack people they don't know.

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But do you know what, these people have never died

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-crossing a road, have they?

-No, they haven't. Exactly.

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And the meerkat, always worried

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that someone's about to kick them in the knackers.

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They do have that look too.

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It looks like someone's about to take a free kick, doesn't it?

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It does.

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The only thing that could make that picture even more gorgeous

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would be three tiny pianos.

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Meerkats know each other by their calls individually

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and you can send a meerkat almost insane

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by recording one meerkat's voice that it knows,

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playing it in a certain area

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and then whizzing round to another area and playing it again,

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-and it will...

-Why would you do such a thing?!

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-It's very mean, but they get utterly baffled by the fact...

-Barry!

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How can you be in two places at once?

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There is no meerkat called Barry, by the way, but it's...

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-Oh, come on, there will be.

-No.

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But you could do that with a human voice, because we recognise

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everyone through their voices as well, don't we?

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-True, but we also know about recordings.

-Oh, yeah.

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-So they would probably guess.

-It's a trick missed.

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-Maybe you don't.

-There was a time when only one person

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knew about recordings. Ho-ho! He had great fun.

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Well, there you go. The meerkat road safety code

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is to send the kids across first.

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Now, Alan, why will you never eat my noodles?

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It was bound to happen that this show

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would just become about you two.

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Just haven't agreed on a fee, have we?

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If you remember, we're involving people

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from countries beginning with K.

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-Kenya.

-Well, which have a particular association perhaps with noodles.

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-Kent.

-Kent!

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Famous for the Kentish pasta.

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No... East.

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Korea.

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Thank you, Josh. In Korea, noodles, of course, are very popular.

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Of course.

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"When will I eat your noodles?" means...

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"When are you getting married?" In other words,

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when are you going to be throwing a party

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in which you will serve noodles?

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So it's just a Korean phrase.

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-It's like saying, "When are you going to tie the knot?"

-Oh.

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When am I going to eat your noodles?

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But you're already married, so I'm not going to eat your noodles,

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and you didn't invite me to your wedding.

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-I did invite you, you didn't come.

-Oh, that's right.

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LAUGHTER

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I was abroad, of course.

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-I was abroad.

-Yeah, you know what you were doing,

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-you were filming an episode of Bones.

-Yes, I was, I was.

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-I've never been so insulted in my life!

-I'm so sorry.

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I'm so... Oh, God, how embarrassing. I'm so sorry.

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Anyway, that's what it means. Here are some other Korean phrases...

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"The other man's rice cake always looks bigger."

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What would be the British equivalent of that?

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"The grass is always greener."

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Or as my uncle used to say, "The other man's arse is always cleaner."

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"If there are too many ferrymen on a boat,

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"it will sail up a mountain."

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Is that just literal?

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Well, yes, it's probably... Maybe.

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If they say that in North Korea, the boat is going up the mountain.

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-That's true.

-"Too many cooks spoil the broth."

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Too many cocks... Too many cooks spoil the broth.

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"So, Stephen, tell me about your childhood!"

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OK, here's one. "Pummelling a dead monk."

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LAUGHTER

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THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

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Yeah, but if you've got erectile dysfunction,

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you're pummelling the dead monk!

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-"Flogging the dead horse?"

-It's flogging a dead horse.

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It's criticising an enemy who's already defeated.

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It's a useless exercise.

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"He worked as if he were tending the grave of his wife's uncle."

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-That's brilliant.

-What would that mean?

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-I might start using that.

-Not much.

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-Yes, is the answer.

-He did bugger-all.

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Because in Korea, it is your duty to tend the graves of your family.

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But the more distant the family, the less attention you give the grave.

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So all he was doing was just, basically,

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sprinkling a little bit of water on the...

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It's only his wife's uncle.

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Whereas his grandfather, his father or his mother,

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he'd be putting flowers and giving it great attention.

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-So that's what that means.

-So like "shagging the dog."

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Not really.

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Not really, Katherine.

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Is there something you want to share with us?

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"Like shagging the dog?"

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Yeah, like, if you don't work very hard,

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you're just shagging the dog.

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LAUGHTER

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Not in this country, madam!

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In this country, when we shag a dog, we know what we're doing.

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And it's pretty hard work, I can tell you.

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Not as easy as it looks, I tell you that.

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-So in Canada, you have the phrase "shagging the dog"?

-Yeah.

-Wow.

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Or like, "shagging the sheep," if you want, whatever.

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That's not a phrase.

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Again, perfectly common practice over here,

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but not considered a light or unburdensome task.

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It just means, like, having an easy day.

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-There's a lot I have to learn about Canada.

-Well, I suppose it's easy

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because with, like, a lady, you have to take her out to dinner

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or woo her a bit, but with a dog,

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it's just like, "Here, boy, come on!"

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Oh, I see.

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You say that, you say that...

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But I'd say once he's here,

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most of the work is still to be done in that situation.

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Yes. And I'm thinking it... Oh, let's move on.

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So, "You wouldn't notice even if a friend at the same table died."

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-What can that mean?

-The food was delicious.

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Absolutely spot-on!

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-APPLAUSE

-Well done!

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Yeah. The food was so damn good that even if a friend died at the table

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you wouldn't notice, cos you'd... Brilliant, well done!

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-PHILL: That's pretty classy.

-That is classy, isn't it? I like it.

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Someone dies at the table, you're going, "Could I see the dessert menu?"

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That's how good it was. "My eyebrows are on fire."

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-"I can hardly believe what I've seen."

-Nnnn...

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-No?

-Aaaa...

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-It... Ears on fire?

-"Help me, I'm burning!"

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"I'm in a really desperate situation."

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Yeah, "I'm in a desperate situation."

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"Showing off your wrinkles to a silkworm"?

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You have found a silkworm in your underpants.

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Silkworms are pretty wrinkly.

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So if you show your wrinkles to a silkworm, he's going to go,

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"Nah, I can do better than that."

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-So it's like teaching your grandmother to suck eggs.

-Oh.

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It's... That's what it means.

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-Imagine how wrinkly a silkworm's knackers are.

-Exactly.

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And finally, "He disappeared like a fart through hemp pyjamas."

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I think that one speaks for itself, doesn't it?

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It does. It's a Korean phrase.

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"Awkwardly," basically.

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Embarrassingly, awkwardly, not with maximum grace.

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Now, who are these men and what did they have for breakfast?

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-The guy there, front left...

-Yes?

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..he looks like he's having a Calippo for breakfast.

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He does, doesn't he? He does.

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It's a very early Calippo commercial.

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A very early Calippo commercial, absolutely right.

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They've got the lifestyle element of the Calippo commercial all wrong.

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Calippos have changed over the years.

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Bizarrely, when first made, they were for poor mining regions.

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Well, this is a poor village.

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Is that the Dales? Is it Yorkshire, is it in the North?

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-It's not, it's remoter. It's British, but remote.

-Oh.

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-Is it Devon?

-Hebrides.

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The Hebrides is right, and it's the remotest of all of them...

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-Kelp.

-..and the largest.

-Seaweed, do they eat seaweed?

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They don't eat seaweed.

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They lived, for a thousand years, this community...

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-On kittens.

-On Calippos?!

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For a thousand years, this community was isolated from Britain.

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They lived on gannets and skuas and puffins.

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It's the largest puffin colony in Britain,

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the largest gannet colony in the world.

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-So can you think of the name of the island?

-Is it...? No, I can't, no.

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It's St Kilda. St Kilda.

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And who was St Kilda?

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I'll give you ten points if you can tell me.

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-Patron Saint of Ducks.

-Was St Kilda male or female?

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-Male.

-Male.

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-No.

-Female.

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No. No. St Kilda was not a saint.

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It's merely, unfortunately, a sort of...

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Font?

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It's an old Norse word for a shield, "skildir,"

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and it just became St Kilda.

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But it's not a saint at all.

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So it's known as St Kilda.

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And it wasn't until 1930, the last 36 natives of St Kilda

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voluntarily left their ancestral home.

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But, oddly enough,

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they were given jobs in the British Forestry Commission,

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and there hadn't been trees on St Kilda for 1,500 years,

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so none of the St Kildans had ever seen a tree before.

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And they were given jobs in forestry.

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-IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-"What the fuck is that?!"

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I imagine, I mean, because they're big...

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-Trees are big.

-I mean, the reaction - "Argh! Orks!"

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-So did they want to come to Britain?

-Sorry?

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-When we brought them all over here in the '30s...

-Yeah?

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-..weren't they resistant?

-No, no, it's voluntary.

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I mean, this was a place that was so windy

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that, literally, sheep were blown off the cliffs.

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It's terribly sad.

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And there was one windy period where for a week afterwards,

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they were all deaf.

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I mean, it really... It was a pretty hostile climate.

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I'm still very confused,

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cos I feel like until you told me about the wind

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and the dead sheep, it sounded like a beautiful place to live.

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-And now, yeah.

-Because it's sunny and, like, in the '30s,

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nobody wanted to live here, no offence.

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It now sounds a bit more like Canada, doesn't it, to be honest?

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Wahey! Sorry. No, no, no, I'm only kidding.

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And it's like, you know, they had all these delicious birds,

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like the original Nandos. I...

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-I would like to live there.

-Yeah.

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I want to find St Kilda and see what they're about.

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I dare say you could visit it.

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What we saw was actually the parliament, the men only, gathering.

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-What?

-Wow.

-That's their parliament, and they talk until...

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-Cabinet meeting.

-Are they split down the middle by party?

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They talk about what the issues of the day...

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"I'm holding the Calippo, it's my turn to speak."

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The worst thing is that dog in the middle is the Prime Minister.

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PHILL: No, he's the Minister of Forestry.

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No trees and dogs. That's just cruel!

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In the middle of the 19th century the first apple arrived in St Kilda

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which caused absolute astonishment.

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Wait until they see the apple tree, they'll go mental!

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Exactly. Wait till they see the trees.

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-There's a Disney movie in this, I really love this place.

-There is, isn't there?

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Were they allowed to have sex with their family?

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I would imagine it was almost inevitable that they would have done, I'm afraid.

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I grew up in a remote area. I had four people in my year at school.

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-Where?

-In Devon, on Dartmoor.

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-Really?

-Yeah. Wow, oh, in Widecombe? Or near Widecombe?

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-Nearby. Two boys, two girls.

-Were you home-schooled?

-No.

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-It'd work.

-That was like all the kids around me.

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So this is quite familiar to you, then?

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That's my dad, third from the left.

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And the prison bell went... Was Dartmoor...

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No, no, I was at a school.

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-But when a prisoner escapes they ring the bell, don't they?

-Yeah, but...

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Did that ever happen? No...

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Well, it's not that loud a bell, so I don't think it happened...

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I don't think my parents would have told me.

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Wouldn't it be terrible if it sounded the same as the break bell so you never know...

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"Is it break or serial killer?"

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You'd come in from the playground and there'd be an extra guy in your class that was 40.

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Arrows on his suit.

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And you had the little ponies, the Dartmoor ponies?

0:15:360:15:40

-Yeah, miniature ponies.

-Oh, wonderful.

0:15:400:15:41

Yeah, it's a little bit more romantic than growing up in...

0:15:410:15:44

-Where did you grow up?

-I... Barking in...

0:15:440:15:48

-And Chigwell, are we...

-Loughton.

0:15:500:15:52

Loughton, I beg your pardon. Essex.

0:15:520:15:53

And I was in Norfolk, which has its own charm, and you were in...

0:15:530:15:56

-Ontario somewhere?

-I'm from a place called Sarnia.

0:15:560:15:58

-Sarnia?

-Yeah.

-How far is that from Toronto?

0:15:580:16:01

You just go through a wardrobe...

0:16:010:16:04

LAUGHTER

0:16:040:16:06

APPLAUSE

0:16:080:16:10

"Look, Mr Tumnus, don't do that to the dog!"

0:16:100:16:14

-It's just like that.

-Is it near, like, Peterborough, Hamilton,

0:16:160:16:19

those sort of places?

0:16:190:16:20

-You know a lot about Canada.

-Yes, I do.

0:16:200:16:23

I say it's three hours WORSE than Toronto.

0:16:230:16:26

Oh. Well, they say of Toronto,

0:16:260:16:28

it's New York run by the Swiss, don't they?

0:16:280:16:30

It's kind of charming, but just a little bit too sterile.

0:16:300:16:33

I hated Switzerland, have you been to Switzerland?

0:16:330:16:36

No, I don't like Switzerland either very much. The Alps are charming.

0:16:360:16:39

I paid seven quid for a cup of tea.

0:16:390:16:40

-No?!

-Yeah.

-Mug.

0:16:400:16:43

A cock up, really.

0:16:450:16:47

Anyway, anyway, let's move on.

0:16:470:16:50

Where should you go to find Kiev railway station?

0:16:500:16:54

Other than Kiev.

0:16:540:16:56

-ALAN:

-Well, now...

-Oh.

0:16:560:16:58

Hull, did you say?

0:16:580:17:00

Yes, Stephen, Hull!

0:17:000:17:02

-Let the siren go off on Hull...

-Nobody's guessed.

0:17:020:17:06

Nobody guessed you'd say Hull.

0:17:060:17:08

Kettering! Let's work our way through.

0:17:080:17:10

-No, no, no...

-Is there not one? There must be one.

0:17:100:17:13

There is a Kiev station. It's in a very major city in Russia.

0:17:130:17:17

-Moscow.

-Moscow. And it's the station that takes the trains to Kiev.

0:17:170:17:22

-ALL: Oh!

-So they have a St Petersburg...

0:17:220:17:26

They have a St Petersburg station as well.

0:17:260:17:29

If you want to go to St Petersburg in Moscow, you go to St Petersburg station.

0:17:290:17:32

There's a kind of logic to it.

0:17:320:17:34

A huge number of towns and cities in England have a London Road, for example,

0:17:340:17:38

that go TO London, they're not IN London. London Road isn't in London.

0:17:380:17:41

RUSSIAN ACCENT: This is why I do not understand London. I go there...

0:17:410:17:44

Newcastle is not here! It is in Newcastle, which is stupid.

0:17:450:17:52

That's why the signage has to be so explanatory

0:17:520:17:55

cos the Russians won't help. They don't want to give any customer service over there.

0:17:550:17:59

-Have you been?

-They don't.

0:17:590:18:00

-RUSSIAN ACCENT:

-It's not possible. It's not possible. It's not...

0:18:000:18:03

Read the sign, don't speak to the people.

0:18:030:18:04

-True, and, of course...

-I was in Red Square, in Moscow,

0:18:040:18:07

and I wanted to have a photo taken, and there was one of those guys

0:18:070:18:11

-with the massive peak caps and the green uniform.

-Oh, yes.

0:18:110:18:13

I asked, "Would you take a photo of me?"

0:18:130:18:15

And he said, "No".

0:18:150:18:18

They...

0:18:180:18:19

They are very good at being rude.

0:18:200:18:22

"I've been watching you, half an hour, standing there looking pissed off.

0:18:220:18:27

One person's asking for a little thing.

0:18:270:18:29

I just went like that, with him in the background.

0:18:310:18:34

Very good.

0:18:380:18:39

APPLAUSE

0:18:390:18:41

So, where is the Kremlin?

0:18:410:18:43

-Oh, I know this.

-Yes?

0:18:430:18:46

It's... There's more than one.

0:18:460:18:48

Excellent, you're absolutely right

0:18:480:18:50

-because almost every Russian city has a Kremlin.

-Does it really?

0:18:500:18:53

Yeah, it's... The fortifying walls originally around a city are a kremlin.

0:18:530:18:57

We know a famous one, which is the one in Moscow,

0:18:570:19:00

but there's one in almost every city you can think of in Russia.

0:19:000:19:03

Very good, Josh.

0:19:030:19:05

RUSSIAN ACCENT: I go to Cardiff looking for Tower of London.

0:19:050:19:08

Is this country stupid?

0:19:100:19:12

And also, your women pop groups, they on television, not in prison.

0:19:120:19:17

Now, there you go. Here's a question...

0:19:170:19:20

If you follow a kulgrinda, where will it get you?

0:19:200:19:23

Oh, oh, oh, it's not... No.

0:19:240:19:27

-It's not that... Oh, no.

-What?

-No, that thing...

0:19:270:19:29

-What could you be thinking?

-That thing, that application.

0:19:290:19:31

-That thing...

-I can't imagine what you're talking about.

0:19:310:19:34

Yes, you know, you know, you know...

0:19:340:19:36

Turn it on now, how many are in the studio? I bet...

0:19:360:19:39

I imagine your outfit will set it off straightaway, Phill.

0:19:410:19:44

I'm just bear bait.

0:19:450:19:46

This is not, this is nothing to do with...

0:19:460:19:48

-No, it's nothing to do with that?

-..the gay man-on-man action app, no.

0:19:480:19:51

OK.

0:19:510:19:53

Kulgrinda is spelt K-U-L-G-R-I-N-D-A.

0:19:540:19:58

It's a rather remarkable thing that exists in the Baltic.

0:19:580:20:02

Particularly in Lithuania,

0:20:020:20:04

but also in Kaliningrad.

0:20:040:20:07

A naturally occurring phenomenon?

0:20:070:20:08

No, it's a man-made phenomenon, which is a very cunning way

0:20:080:20:11

of deceiving your enemies,

0:20:110:20:12

running away from them, or causing them to drown.

0:20:120:20:15

Making a misty fog thing?

0:20:150:20:17

No. What you do is

0:20:170:20:18

you make stepping stones that are under the water...

0:20:180:20:23

A cunning thing.

0:20:230:20:24

..which are enough for you to stand on,

0:20:240:20:26

but only you know where they are.

0:20:260:20:28

The really cunning thing is how you lay them.

0:20:280:20:30

In the winter, it's incredibly cold,

0:20:300:20:32

so you get these huge stepping stones, put them in a line

0:20:320:20:35

across the ice, and as the ice melts, they drop and form a line.

0:20:350:20:40

And if they're big enough, you can actually drive a coach over them.

0:20:400:20:43

I mean, you've got to be pretty sure you're going to be chased soon,

0:20:430:20:46

to go to that trouble.

0:20:460:20:48

The Estonians and Kaliningradians were pretty often at war.

0:20:480:20:51

-There was a lot of war going on.

-It'll happen this year.

0:20:510:20:54

"I think we will be chased in the summer."

0:20:540:20:56

They were often invaded.

0:20:560:20:58

"Which way shall we go? Over the river..."

0:20:590:21:02

"I'm going to make a kulgrinda, will you help?"

0:21:040:21:07

"Only if you're certain about this chase.

0:21:080:21:11

"Tell me more about it, who's involved?"

0:21:110:21:13

Basically, you set it up

0:21:130:21:16

and then you start a game of 'It' in about June.

0:21:160:21:19

RUSSIAN ACCENT: I tried to walk across River Thames,

0:21:210:21:23

they don't have kulgrinda, it's stupid.

0:21:230:21:25

I hate this country.

0:21:250:21:27

That is very similar - your Lithuanian accent - to your Russian accent, by the way.

0:21:270:21:31

-They're really... Did you not here the "eell, eell, eell"?

-Ah, yes.

0:21:310:21:36

The most famous one is the Sietuva swamp,

0:21:360:21:39

which the Lithuanian explorer Ludwik Krzywicki

0:21:390:21:43

navigated by coach in 1903.

0:21:430:21:45

And he wrote that at the deepest point,

0:21:450:21:47

the water was up to the sides of his horse.

0:21:470:21:49

So they're really impressive little things.

0:21:490:21:52

I'd say the most famous one is the one Jesus used.

0:21:520:21:55

That's true.

0:21:550:21:57

-To trick everyone in the Bible.

-That's true.

0:21:570:22:00

That's very true. But, here's a supplementary question -

0:22:000:22:03

where can you get arrested for wearing a seat belt?

0:22:030:22:06

Oh, is this... Is it... Oh. Is it somewhere where the road is by water?

0:22:060:22:12

Well, we're still in the Baltic region.

0:22:120:22:14

In Estonia they have lakes that freeze over

0:22:140:22:17

and there are roads on them, you can drive on them.

0:22:170:22:20

But... And you can see that. And you can drive along them

0:22:200:22:24

because it's 22cm thick, the ice, and it won't give way,

0:22:240:22:26

but you're not allowed to wear a seat belt

0:22:260:22:28

in case you slip over or something and you get trapped.

0:22:280:22:31

So, it's actually safer not to wear a seat belt.

0:22:310:22:33

The other thing... Why would this be?

0:22:330:22:35

You mustn't drive between 25 and 40kph.

0:22:350:22:41

Is it like Back To The Future?

0:22:410:22:44

-Vroom!

-Flame-coloured from your DeLorean!

0:22:470:22:50

-You can drive faster?

-Yes, you can drive faster or slower,

0:22:500:22:53

-but not between 25 and 40.

-Not between those?

0:22:530:22:55

-Yeah, those particular speeds.

-Same speed as a polar bear.

0:22:550:22:58

No, it's a bit like marching over bridges in step.

0:22:580:23:02

-Oh, is it to do with...

-Oh, it's the vibrations.

0:23:020:23:04

It sets up vibrations that might crack the ice.

0:23:040:23:07

-Those particular speeds.

-Why wouldn't a faster...

0:23:070:23:10

Is it just those speeds, the resonance...

0:23:100:23:12

At those speeds it's the resonance, yeah, just something to do with the frequency.

0:23:120:23:15

Interesting, isn't it? Well, we hope it's interesting, otherwise to hell with this programme.

0:23:150:23:20

The US Antarctic Program, the other side of the world,

0:23:210:23:25

near McMurdo Sound,

0:23:250:23:26

they, every year, construct... What do they construct on the ice?

0:23:260:23:29

-I mean, it's...

-ALAN:

-Massive ice Jenga.

0:23:290:23:32

-It's also to do with transport.

-Ice plane.

0:23:340:23:37

-Well, not an ice plane, but a...

-Boat.

0:23:370:23:39

-PHILL: An airport.

-Yeah, a runway.

0:23:390:23:42

A runway, so they can land their planes at McMurdo.

0:23:420:23:45

Yeah, they have to redo it every year.

0:23:450:23:47

-How do they grip it?

-It's... Ice, you know, it's not too bad.

0:23:470:23:53

What? Ice isn't too bad to grip?!

0:23:530:23:55

-Have you seen Dancing On Ice?

-Not that sort of ice.

0:23:550:23:58

-Dancing On Ice is all that sort of...

-That's what they said to the pilot.

0:23:580:24:02

"Oh, no, actually, it's not as bad as you think.

0:24:020:24:04

"It's not the sticky ice, it's the other one."

0:24:040:24:07

"We landed two hours ago and we still seem to be going along."

0:24:070:24:11

There's an element of that.

0:24:120:24:14

All right. Now, what is there to say about long-necked Karen?

0:24:140:24:19

She's got lovely eyes.

0:24:190:24:22

Yeah, you're always the first to see the nice...

0:24:240:24:27

That's one of those Family Fortunes ones, isn't it?

0:24:270:24:29

-We've had this before.

-Oh, yes. "Survey said..."

0:24:290:24:32

"Name a bird with a long neck."

0:24:320:24:34

And the bloke goes, "Naomi Campbell."

0:24:360:24:38

-This is clearly not Naomi.

-No, Emu.

0:24:440:24:46

Karen is the answer here. Who is this Karen?

0:24:470:24:50

Tom Cruise always likes girls, like, tall girls with long necks,

0:24:500:24:53

but then he doesn't let them wear heels around him.

0:24:530:24:55

No, because he is not the tallest man in the world.

0:24:550:24:57

Well, then why date the girls with the long necks?

0:24:570:24:59

So they can spot predators.

0:24:590:25:02

-Say again...

-Tribe, is it a tribe?

-Tribe.

0:25:020:25:06

-The Karen tribe.

-The Karen tribe.

0:25:060:25:08

"Oh, hello, all right? Lovely to see you."

0:25:080:25:11

"Hiya, you all right?"

0:25:110:25:14

The neighbouring Tracey tribe...

0:25:140:25:17

-ALAN:

-Argh!

0:25:170:25:19

-They hate the Traceys.

-"Stay away from Gary!"

0:25:190:25:21

Here come the Garys.

0:25:250:25:27

-HE GRUNTS

-"Bovered?"

0:25:270:25:29

But the tribe we're talking about, the Padaung Karen tribe, from...?

0:25:310:25:36

-Do they put rings round the...?

-Exactly, let's have a look at them.

0:25:360:25:39

-Extending over time.

-There we are, look at that.

0:25:390:25:41

-Oh, my word.

-Wow!

-Wow, isn't that impressive?

0:25:410:25:44

It looks like she's kind of been bred with a Slinky.

0:25:440:25:48

-They're so-called giraffe-necked...

-At the end of the day, "Oh!"

0:25:490:25:53

Well, they can't...

0:25:530:25:54

LAUGHTER

0:25:540:25:57

"Beryl, Beryl, why are the curtains on the...? Oh."

0:26:020:26:06

You know when you have a jack-in-the-box ready to go?

0:26:070:26:09

-Oh, yes.

-P-ding!

0:26:090:26:12

Maybe that's what would happen, rather than go down, it just goes...

0:26:120:26:15

The surprising thing is that X-rays show that their necks...

0:26:160:26:21

They can't have any more vertebrae, can they?

0:26:240:26:26

No. X-rays show their necks are not longer than normal people's.

0:26:260:26:29

-So what's going on?

-It's just that we're all hunchy.

0:26:290:26:31

That does look quite long, but it's actually what's lower

0:26:310:26:34

-is the collarbone, or are the collarbones.

-Wow.

0:26:340:26:36

They're supposed to wear them until they get married,

0:26:360:26:38

but a lot of them keep them on forever.

0:26:380:26:40

It's a sign of beauty, traditionally,

0:26:400:26:42

although it's supposed also to protect them against tigers,

0:26:420:26:46

who will attack them by the neck. That's one theory.

0:26:460:26:49

That is great, I always thought,

0:26:490:26:50

OK, maybe they're sacred, all right, it looks pretty...

0:26:500:26:53

-Tigers! I'm totally with it now.

-Yeah, it's tiger-proof.

0:26:530:26:57

-Put those around your neck.

-Exactly.

-All right.

0:26:570:26:59

Most of them now live in Thailand, having fled Burma,

0:26:590:27:02

and you can pay to go and see them.

0:27:020:27:04

There's another nearby tribe, who also wear brass coils,

0:27:040:27:07

not only around their necks, but around their lower knees and arms.

0:27:070:27:13

I don't think this is so mad, really. I think... I get it with the tigers

0:27:130:27:17

and here, you've got Katy Price doing loads of crazy stuff

0:27:170:27:20

to her body and all her friends, and they look lovely,

0:27:200:27:23

but they're, like, orange and they've got fake hair and fake nails,

0:27:230:27:26

-how is this worse?

-You're absolutely right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:27:260:27:30

APPLAUSE Yeah, girls, yeah.

0:27:300:27:32

Points to Katherine, naturally, for that good observation.

0:27:320:27:35

Now, just how badly wrong could a house-warming go in one of these?

0:27:350:27:40

-Nice house.

-That man is a big fan of the show.

0:27:420:27:46

Let's see the rest of him, go on, it's past the watershed.

0:27:490:27:53

-The house doesn't look warm at all to me, it looks cold in there.

-It does look cool in there.

0:27:530:27:57

All of his guests have to arrive by helicopter.

0:27:570:28:00

"Doreen, I love squirrels, what can I say?"

0:28:000:28:02

-Well, we've looked at the Karen tribe...

-Is this real?

0:28:040:28:07

This is another tribe, these are the Korowai tribe.

0:28:070:28:09

They're a New Guinea tribe who live entirely in tree houses.

0:28:090:28:13

They are the only people in the world, apart from the Kombai,

0:28:130:28:16

another tribe, who also live only in tree houses.

0:28:160:28:19

Each house lasts on average about five years

0:28:190:28:22

and then they rebuild somewhere else.

0:28:220:28:24

They take their pets up, everything, and that's where they live.

0:28:240:28:27

How do they go to the toilet?

0:28:270:28:30

Well, the long drop, I guess, is the answer.

0:28:300:28:32

-What? You're walking past...

-Yes! Don't walk past is the answer.

0:28:320:28:37

They are roofed with leaves from branches,

0:28:370:28:39

like a house you'd see anywhere, to stop the rain getting in and...

0:28:390:28:43

With a little pediment, it's very splendid.

0:28:430:28:46

Once installed, though,

0:28:460:28:47

they celebrate by lighting a ceremonial fire,

0:28:470:28:50

the whole thing's made of wood,

0:28:500:28:53

but it's kept safe by suspending the fireplace in a hole in the floor,

0:28:530:28:56

and if the fire gets too big it just drops down to the ground.

0:28:560:28:59

-You'd think it would set fire to the struts.

-Burn the whole forest.

0:28:590:29:01

Yeah! but it seems to work,

0:29:010:29:03

they've been doing it for a very, very long time.

0:29:030:29:06

One of the marvellous things about them is they had no idea at all

0:29:060:29:09

that there were any other human beings in the world until 1970.

0:29:090:29:15

That is pretty astonishing.

0:29:150:29:17

Anyway, the Korowai have open fires in their houses,

0:29:170:29:20

even though they're made entirely of wood and 30m off the ground.

0:29:200:29:23

Now, where's the best place to keep

0:29:230:29:24

a load of old rubbish from the 1980s?

0:29:240:29:28

-My loft.

-Your loft?!

0:29:280:29:30

No, this is a story you're not likely to know,

0:29:300:29:33

but it is a 16-year voyage of a ship.

0:29:330:29:36

It's called the Khian Sea, trying to offload rubbish from Pennsylvania.

0:29:360:29:42

In 1986, it was loaded with 15,000 tons of non-toxic ash,

0:29:420:29:46

bound for dumping in the Bahamas. But they said no,

0:29:460:29:49

so they went to Puerto Rico, Bermuda, the Dominican Republic,

0:29:490:29:52

Honduras, Guinea-Bissau and the Netherlands Antilles.

0:29:520:29:55

They all said no.

0:29:550:29:56

Then they cunningly re-classified the cargo

0:29:560:29:59

as "topsoil fertiliser"

0:29:590:30:02

and managed to get rid of 4,000 tons of it in Haiti.

0:30:020:30:05

And then they were rumbled and sent packing.

0:30:050:30:08

So they then went to Senegal, Cape Verde, Yugoslavia, Sri Lanka,

0:30:080:30:11

Indonesia and the Philippines.

0:30:110:30:13

And then Singapore, where she was found to be empty.

0:30:130:30:17

And then the captain and the ship's executives admitted

0:30:170:30:19

they'd dumped the ash at sea and were jailed.

0:30:190:30:23

And at the insistence of Haiti,

0:30:230:30:25

the ship had to go back to pick up the 4,000 tons they'd left behind.

0:30:250:30:31

So eventually, Pennsylvania, where it originated from,

0:30:310:30:34

took it back, and in 2002, 16 years later,

0:30:340:30:39

it was off-loaded and taken by train to a landfill just 120 miles

0:30:390:30:43

where it had originally come from.

0:30:430:30:45

How impressive is that?

0:30:460:30:48

I quite like the idea of that boat sailing around

0:30:480:30:51

and the captain, with a teaspoon, just going...

0:30:510:30:53

Like in a prison yard, bring it out of the bottom of his trousers.

0:31:010:31:03

And the amazing thing is, it wasn't toxic,

0:31:050:31:07

it's just people didn't want American rubbish...

0:31:070:31:09

Don't say anything. Erm...

0:31:090:31:12

-How does ash go away?

-You landfill.

0:31:120:31:16

-That's it?

-Yeah.

0:31:160:31:18

Eco-friendly Sweden uses so much waste

0:31:180:31:22

to power its generators that it actually has to import rubbish.

0:31:220:31:27

And Norway pays Sweden to take 80,000 tons a year,

0:31:270:31:31

which Sweden then turns into power

0:31:310:31:33

and then they send the ash back to Norway for landfilling.

0:31:330:31:35

-So why don't we all do that?

-Why? Exactly. Good old Sweden.

0:31:350:31:39

-Let's hear it for the Swedes. Yay!

-APPLAUSE

0:31:390:31:43

They're good, we like the Swedes.

0:31:460:31:47

One of the Maldives, unfortunately, Thilafushi,

0:31:470:31:49

is an artificial island made entirely out of rubbish, which is really distressing.

0:31:490:31:53

The country's residents and tourists produce so much garbage,

0:31:530:31:56

the island is growing by one square metre a day.

0:31:560:31:59

-That is really, really upsetting, isn't it?

-Ay, Chihuahua!

0:31:590:32:03

I haven't been recycling for the last month because...

0:32:030:32:05

-PHILL GASPS

-I saw your face then, I was like...

-Yeah.

0:32:050:32:08

..Cos someone stole my recycling bin from outside the front of my house.

0:32:080:32:11

-Oh!

-Which I don't know what the morals are on that crime.

0:32:110:32:14

Are they good for sledding? I bet they're great for sledding.

0:32:140:32:18

Was it you?

0:32:190:32:20

I just got the lid.

0:32:200:32:22

Were you luging on Josh's lid?

0:32:240:32:26

-How wrong of you, how wrong of you.

-What did you just say?!

0:32:280:32:30

Luging.

0:32:300:32:31

-That's when you go...

-Yeah, but it's just that combination of words.

0:32:310:32:34

-I know, well, that's what we like.

-Yeah.

-Yes.

0:32:340:32:36

-It's fun.

-Delicious.

0:32:360:32:38

There's a shop at the end of my road that takes clothing

0:32:380:32:42

and they send it to Africa

0:32:420:32:44

and they give you money for it, and I was thinking,

0:32:440:32:46

"Great, I've got lots of designer baby items,"

0:32:460:32:48

and so, I brought all this stuff down, like cute little things,

0:32:480:32:52

I'm showing them to the guy...

0:32:520:32:53

He doesn't care what it is, he just cares about how much of it there is.

0:32:530:32:58

-In weight or volume?

-They weigh it, so if you've got, like, big old trousers,

0:32:580:33:01

you get more money than if you've got beautiful little baby stuff.

0:33:010:33:05

-And where's this shop?

-It's right...

0:33:050:33:07

I took some stuff to my local charity shop, some clothes,

0:33:080:33:14

and I've become increasing irate

0:33:140:33:17

that I haven't made the window display yet.

0:33:170:33:19

Yes, never give a gift you've been given to a charity shop,

0:33:200:33:23

cos that will go in the window and your friend who gave it to you will pass it.

0:33:230:33:26

-Believe me, I've done it.

-Buy it and give it to you again.

0:33:260:33:29

Yes, exactly.

0:33:290:33:31

LAUGHTER

0:33:310:33:33

Oh, dear, and so the whirligig of time brings in its revenges.

0:33:350:33:38

Now, name the nearest Third World country?

0:33:380:33:41

-Oh, steady, we could get into all sorts of trouble.

-Yes, you could.

0:33:410:33:44

Oh, hello.

0:33:440:33:45

I'm not going to make any jokes about our near neighbours

0:33:450:33:48

-on this fine island.

-Good. Let's just say...

0:33:480:33:52

it's as well that you didn't say Wales, or Scotland.

0:33:520:33:57

I'm too scared to answer.

0:33:580:34:00

Let me give you the original definition of a Third World nation,

0:34:000:34:03

then you'll be less embarrassed, all right?

0:34:030:34:05

-French historian Alfred Sauvy coined...

-France!

0:34:050:34:09

ALARM WAILS

0:34:090:34:11

-We jumped the gun. ..coined the phrase...

-Oh, Stephen!

0:34:120:34:16

..the Third World, "le monde troisieme," in 1952.

0:34:160:34:21

It meant "states not politically aligned with the USSR or the USA,"

0:34:210:34:25

ie, the Soviet Bloc or with America.

0:34:250:34:28

So any state that wasn't in some way politically aligned

0:34:280:34:31

was called Third World.

0:34:310:34:33

Now, which is the nearest one of those to us?

0:34:330:34:35

France was, although it wasn't a member of NATO,

0:34:350:34:37

-it was politically aligned.

-Ireland wasn't, was it?

0:34:370:34:39

Ireland is the right answer.

0:34:390:34:41

-The one I was most afraid of saying.

-Oh, there, you see!

0:34:410:34:44

It's only more recently that it became a term meaning poverty.

0:34:440:34:47

And nowadays, of course, it's not a politically correct

0:34:470:34:51

word to use, anyway. We don't say a Third World country, we say...?

0:34:510:34:54

-Developing.

-The developing world, exactly.

0:34:540:34:57

We say a vibrant tourist destination.

0:34:570:34:59

Absolutely, bravo! That's exactly what we say.

0:34:590:35:03

-Unspoiled, we say, unspoiled.

-Unspoiled, exactly.

0:35:030:35:06

There is Fourth World, however, what does Fourth World refer to?

0:35:060:35:09

-Essex.

-LAUGHTER

0:35:090:35:13

You're lucky you can get away with that cos you come from there,

0:35:130:35:16

but the Center for World Indigenous Studies

0:35:160:35:19

says it means, essentially, dispossessed people,

0:35:190:35:22

such as Kurds or Romanies and such like.

0:35:220:35:25

They are Fourth World.

0:35:250:35:27

If you're Irish in Britain there's something you can do

0:35:270:35:29

that you can't do if you're British in Ireland.

0:35:290:35:31

-Piss in the street.

-Open a theme pub.

0:35:310:35:33

"Piss in the street!" "Open a theme pub!"

0:35:330:35:38

Riverdance!

0:35:380:35:41

-Yeah, sing in pubs.

-No, it's really an important right.

0:35:410:35:44

-Vote?

-Vote! Amazingly, Irish citizens living in Britain

0:35:440:35:49

can vote in British general elections.

0:35:490:35:52

British citizens living in Ireland

0:35:520:35:54

cannot vote in Republic of Ireland general elections.

0:35:540:35:57

Now, which country's national anthem is the Land Of The Free?

0:35:570:36:01

America?

0:36:010:36:03

-ALARM WAILS

-America is not the right answer, I'm afraid.

0:36:030:36:06

They sing it. Beyonce sang it.

0:36:060:36:08

It's in the lyrics - "The home of the brave and the land of the free," but...

0:36:080:36:11

-Is it somewhere incredibly not free?

-No, it's free.

-Free-ish?

0:36:110:36:15

It's the only flag of an independent sovereign nation

0:36:150:36:18

that has human beings on it, two of them as a matter of fact.

0:36:180:36:21

-Are they copulating?

-They're not copulating.

0:36:210:36:23

If it's any help to you, they're chopping wood.

0:36:230:36:26

-Are they dancing Gangnam Style?

-It's one of those freaky islands, isn't it?

0:36:260:36:29

-Oh, it's...

-"One of those freaky islands!"

-Well, it is!

0:36:290:36:32

One of the lines is, "By the might of truth and the grace of God,

0:36:320:36:35

"no longer shall we be hewers of wood."

0:36:350:36:38

Mordor.

0:36:380:36:40

LAUGHTER

0:36:400:36:42

Give us more clues, we can get this, come on.

0:36:420:36:44

-It was once a British possession...

-Belize.

0:36:440:36:46

-Yes!

-Come on!

-Very good!

0:36:460:36:49

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:36:490:36:51

-Very good.

-PHILL: Very good.

0:36:510:36:54

Belize, formerly known as British Honduras

0:36:540:36:57

and it says the national anthem is called the Land Of The Free.

0:36:570:37:00

The name of the American national anthem is?

0:37:000:37:03

-ALL:

-The Star-Spangled Banner -

0:37:030:37:05

"Oh, say, can you see by the dawn's early light," et cetera, et cetera.

0:37:050:37:08

-Who wrote the words for that, do you know?

-Jay Z.

0:37:080:37:11

It was a man called Francis Scott Key and what's interesting about him...

0:37:120:37:17

-Joe Biden is absolutely hating that!

-He's not looking happy, is he?

0:37:170:37:21

-And neither is the other guy.

-PHILL: "I wanted to sing it!

0:37:210:37:25

"I have a beautiful, piercing alto, yeah."

0:37:250:37:29

Anyway, Francis Scott Key gave his first three names to

0:37:290:37:33

a distant cousin

0:37:330:37:35

who was Francis Scott Key, surname,

0:37:350:37:39

one of the greatest writers of the 20th century.

0:37:390:37:42

-Fitzgerald?

-Yes, F Scott Fitzgerald's real name was

0:37:420:37:45

Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald because he was a cousin of the man

0:37:450:37:48

who gave us the words of the Star-Spangled Banner.

0:37:480:37:50

And finally, a really easy one, does the Paris-Dakar Rally

0:37:500:37:55

start in Paris and end in Dakar, or start in Dakar and end in Paris?

0:37:550:38:00

It starts in France and ends in Africa.

0:38:000:38:04

-Oh!

-ALARM WAILS

0:38:040:38:07

Sorry. Anybody else?

0:38:070:38:10

-Is it neither?

-Yes.

0:38:100:38:12

-Well, I know it ends in Africa...

-It doesn't.

0:38:120:38:14

..so I presumed it started in France.

0:38:140:38:15

-It doesn't end in Africa.

-Where does it end?

0:38:150:38:18

-In South America.

-What?!

-What?!

-What the heck?!

0:38:180:38:22

No, the Paris-Dakar rally has been held in South America

0:38:220:38:25

for the last five years, since threats in 2007 from Al-Qaeda.

0:38:250:38:30

And so the organisers relocated it in South America.

0:38:300:38:32

-Really?

-Absolutely.

0:38:320:38:34

The Mongol Rally starts in England and ends in Ulan Bator,

0:38:340:38:39

which is the capital of Outer Mongolia, as I'm sure you know.

0:38:390:38:41

I'd just take a mobile phone, rather than doing that.

0:38:410:38:44

There, you see the...

0:38:450:38:47

-The problem is, you can't get the signal.

-This is 1990.

0:38:470:38:49

It starts in London and ends in Ulan Bator.

0:38:510:38:55

And what route does it take?

0:38:550:38:56

A2.

0:38:560:38:58

-The fact is...

-He's not wrong.

0:38:580:39:02

The fact is, any way you want to go. Because there is...

0:39:020:39:04

-A33.

-There is no set route, you can just choose to go through...

0:39:040:39:07

-Dover, Folkestone.

-..whichever countries

0:39:070:39:09

will allow you to get through them.

0:39:090:39:10

They don't want to cramp the style of the rallyists.

0:39:100:39:13

In India, there's a very good rally called the Blind Man's Car Rally.

0:39:130:39:17

A 40-mile race in which blind navigators use a Braille map.

0:39:170:39:23

The drivers are sighted, but they must adhere to the directions given

0:39:230:39:27

by their unsighted navigators, who are using Braille.

0:39:270:39:30

Even if they know it's going to be a collision?

0:39:300:39:32

"Left, left, left!"

0:39:320:39:34

Anyway, now we have a Knick-Knack exploding custard powder experiment.

0:39:370:39:41

For something to explode, you need certain things.

0:39:410:39:44

You need something to light -

0:39:440:39:46

in this case, custard powder.

0:39:460:39:49

You need something to light it with

0:39:490:39:50

and you need oxygen.

0:39:500:39:52

But you need a little bit more than that,

0:39:520:39:54

because if I try and light this custard powder, you will see...

0:39:540:39:56

ALAN IMITATES EXPLOSION

0:39:580:40:00

..that nothing happens.

0:40:020:40:04

The trick custard powder, ha-ha!

0:40:040:40:05

I blew his arm off! Ha-ha!

0:40:050:40:08

It doesn't... The whole point is, nothing happens.

0:40:080:40:10

Nothing would happen to that, it's custard, you fool.

0:40:100:40:12

I bet Heston could make it burn.

0:40:120:40:14

Ah. He couldn't in this state.

0:40:140:40:16

-No?

-What you need, in order to get something like custard,

0:40:160:40:19

or any powder, even metallic powder, to burn and really burn,

0:40:190:40:24

is one of these ordinary everyday objects like this.

0:40:240:40:27

As you may see, I have a funnel and I have some safety glasses,

0:40:280:40:35

to save my beautiful eyelashes.

0:40:350:40:37

And I have a lighter.

0:40:390:40:41

I miss Jacques Cousteau.

0:40:410:40:43

And I have a pump.

0:40:430:40:46

ALAN IMITATES DIVER'S BREATHING

0:40:460:40:49

I have a pump that rather wants to fall over.

0:40:490:40:51

So we'll just raise this here...

0:40:510:40:54

-HE CONTINUES TO IMITATE DIVER

-..so it doesn't fall over. OK...

0:40:540:40:58

What I'm going to do...

0:40:580:40:59

I don't want to know what you're going to do!

0:40:590:41:02

What I'm going to do is - I'm going to pour the custard powder

0:41:020:41:07

in this funnel. And I'm going to...

0:41:070:41:10

I'm going to present a flame across it.

0:41:100:41:12

-Oh...

-Yes. Yes. Be afraid, be very afraid.

0:41:120:41:17

-Can I use Alan as a human shield?

-No, you're the shield, you're new!

0:41:170:41:21

-Oh, my God!

-Ooh, ho-ho!

-There's flame,

0:41:250:41:28

-there's custard powder in there.

-"I feel the need!

0:41:280:41:31

"The need for speed!"

0:41:310:41:33

-All I need to do...

-Where are you going?!

0:41:330:41:36

Why the fuck am I next to it?!

0:41:360:41:38

I'm going to the pump.

0:41:380:41:40

I'm just going to the pump,

0:41:400:41:43

-because I'm going to pump...

-We are now nearer than you!

0:41:430:41:46

Can you see what I'm going to do? I'm pumping air...

0:41:460:41:48

There's just too many double entendres, you pumping custard.

0:41:480:41:52

Stop it. Are your ready for me to pump the custard?!

0:41:530:41:57

Oh, my God, don't do it!

0:41:570:41:59

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:41:590:42:01

All right.

0:42:010:42:03

Oh, God!

0:42:050:42:06

Yes, I'm ready for you to pump your custard.

0:42:060:42:09

I need a countdown from the audience.

0:42:090:42:11

This is not how I wanted to go, I've got to be honest.

0:42:110:42:14

Audience, I want you to count me down from three...

0:42:140:42:17

AUDIENCE: ..two, one,

0:42:170:42:19

go!

0:42:190:42:20

AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:42:200:42:23

Wasn't that dangerous!

0:42:240:42:26

Well, it's quite warm there, actually.

0:42:260:42:29

-Can you feel the heat?

-Yeah, I can feel the heat.

0:42:300:42:33

-SHOUTING:

-If I'd been sitting there, I could have been igni...

0:42:330:42:36

-QUIETLY:

-I could have been ignited.

0:42:360:42:37

You could have been covered in hot custard.

0:42:370:42:40

I told you before you did this experiment!

0:42:440:42:48

Which hot and exciting experiment brings me

0:42:480:42:53

to the little matter of the scores.

0:42:530:42:55

And they are fascinating.

0:42:550:42:58

In last place, although he's played it so many times,

0:42:580:43:01

with minus nine, is Phill Jupitus.

0:43:010:43:03

APPLAUSE

0:43:030:43:05

A highly creditable third place, with minus eight, Katherine Ryan.

0:43:100:43:14

APPLAUSE Wow!

0:43:140:43:17

First appearance, second place, with minus seven, it's Josh Widdicombe.

0:43:190:43:24

APPLAUSE

0:43:240:43:26

Ladies and gentlemen, can you believe your ears?

0:43:260:43:30

14 points, in the lead, with plus seven, is Alan Davies!

0:43:300:43:34

CHEERING

0:43:340:43:36

Enormous thanks to Katherine, Phill, Josh and Alan. Good night.

0:43:420:43:48

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0:44:100:44:13

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