Naval Navigation QI XL


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Naval Navigation

Sandi Toksvig considers some matters of naval navigation with Johnny Vegas, Ronni Ancona, Jimmy Carr and Alan Davies.


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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello, everybody!

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Aye-aye!

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Ahoy and welcome aboard the good ship QI,

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where tonight we'll be splicing each other's timbers,

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hoisting our mainbraces and giving the ship's cat a good kicking

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in the naval navigation show. Let's meet the crew.

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First of all, my old mate Ronni Ancona.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And something of a figurehead, Johnny Vegas.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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A bit of a bottom feeder, Jimmy Carr.

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-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Wow. What?

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One time, one time.

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And Roger the cabin boy, it's Alan Davies.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Let's hear your naval noises. Ronni goes...

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HIGH-PITCHED SHIP'S HOOTER

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Johnny goes...

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LOW-PITCHED SHIP'S HOOTER

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Jimmy goes...

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RASPY SHIP'S HOOTER

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That's Mexican food.

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Alan goes...

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# Yummy, yummy, yummy

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# I got love in my tummy

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# And as silly as it may seem... #

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Yeah, no, I meant N-A-V-A-L, not the other kind of navel.

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First up, a question on nautical names.

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Now, you each have got a hat. Put them on, there we go.

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Sure. I mean, a lot of people would look stupid in this, but me...

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LAUGHTER

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So, what I want to know is, as you look round the room,

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how many of you are genuine ship names?

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Banterer, we've got Ronni's Spanker.

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-Spanker?

-Flirt, we've got for Johnny, and Titan Uranus.

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HMS Flirt?

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-Hello, sailor!

-When you said it out loud, then it all made sense.

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Yes, sorry. Tried to be polite.

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Titan Uranus.

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-What do we reckon?

-Spanker's got to be a ship

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out of a Carry On film, hasn't it?

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-Yes.

-Reporting for duty, everyone. Welcome aboard the Spanker!

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Now, hands at the ready.

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Oooh, naughty!

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But I happen to know, because of a naval connection...

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What is your naval connection?

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I think I might have seen it online.

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My brother is an admiral in the Navy.

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Oh, whoa!

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-An admiral?

-And my father was a commander.

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-Your father was a commander in the Navy?

-Yeah.

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-So, your brother's done rather better.

-My brother...

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Yes, cos he's got that insurance business on the side, hasn't he?

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Yeah, my dad back-doored in through the Merchant Navy.

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Did he? A lot of them do, I've heard.

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LAUGHTER

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I knew that was coming up.

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That will "Titan Uranus".

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-If anything, the reverse, I find.

-But...

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You look so innocent and then it says Titan Uranus.

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Isn't that fantastic?

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I could have hours of fun if I went out in this tonight.

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What do you reckon, Johnny? You reckon yours, HMS Flirt,

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do you reckon's the real thing?

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Yeah, I reckon HMS Flirt could be the one.

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-Yeah, could be the...

-The others might have been nicknames.

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Ah, a bit of fun amongst the sailors.

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In fact, Spanker, Banterer and Flirt were all,

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or had been all, ships in the Royal Navy.

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Titan Uranus was... There have been two merchant ships,

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actually, there was an oil tanker and an ore carrier.

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Lots named after animals -

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there has been Kangaroo, Gnat, Weasel, Zebra.

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Is the downside to this not the...?

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I mean, obviously the Royal Navy, very proud history,

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but, occasionally, ships get sunk and people die,

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and then you've got to report back.

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"I'm afraid things did not go well, 60 souls lost on Titan Uranus."

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Yeah, well, there are worse ones - Cockchafer.

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That is how a lot of the sailors died.

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And HMS Pansy.

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JIMMY LAUGHS And...

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-Oh, that's fantastic.

-..my favourite, Happy Entrance.

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LAUGHTER

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So, just to say.

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So, have a quick look, imagine you are at sea

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and we've got, I don't know, say, HMS Cockchafer coming at you

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in the dark or possibly going away from you in the dark, OK?

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Can you tell which one it is?

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Coming towards you or going away?

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Well, green towards you, red away?

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Erm, not quite.

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Anybody? Your brother's an admiral, for goodness' sake!

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-I know, I know!

-Is one port and the other starboard?

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One is port and one is starboard, yes.

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-Do you know which is which?

-No.

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-It's quite good to know.

-Does anyone know?

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-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Red is port.

-Red is port, red is port.

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Yes. Yeah, I could've told you that. OK...

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That's how you remember, like, port is red.

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And green is...sherry?

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Green is starboard. And what you say is, "Green to green, red to red,

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"perfect safety, go ahead."

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So what you would know from this is that the boat is coming towards you,

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and that would be important information to have

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-when you're at sea.

-Oh, hang on!

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-I definitely would have crashed into that.

-Yeah.

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There is one of my favourite books of all time that you could read

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to avoid this happening.

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It was published in 1992 and it is called How To Avoid Huge Ships.

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LAUGHTER

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-RONNI:

-That's brilliant! That is so brilliant.

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And who was this sold to? Small islands?

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It went through several editions.

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What worries me is that they may have left stuff out

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in the first edition and then gone,

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"Oh, that was the other thing I meant to put in."

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It's ranked as the third oddest book title of all time.

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Oh, go on, what are the other two?

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The second, number two -

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Greek Rural Postmen And Their Cancellation Numbers.

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LAUGHTER

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Yeah, the one about the urban postmen I found a bit ehhh.

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Who's that bothered?

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This is my favourite, number one, oddest book title of all time -

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People Who Don't Know They're Dead,

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How They Attach Themselves To Unsuspecting Bystanders

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And What To Do About It.

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LAUGHTER

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Put your hats away, please.

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Why would you spend a year's rent hiring a rowing boat?

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You're sleepy and drunk.

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You've not been living in London long,

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and you've gone on the Thames.

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Yeah, I like all of those reasons, but no. It was in 1815.

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-So, what happened in 1815?

-It was that...

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lesser known Fire of London.

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Like, a really small fire that didn't get widely reported?

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Just a tiny one. People cashed in completely.

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-RONNI:

-Waterloo.

-Waterloo, exactly.

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The big battle of Waterloo. Napoleon was defeated.

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-What happened to Napoleon?

-Oh! Abba played live in the harbour.

-Yes.

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That's it exactly. And people took rowing boats out.

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It was lovely. There were picnics.

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They couldn't get enough of that blonde one, absolutely.

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-It's not that.

-Is that when he was banished?

-Yes.

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This is a really interesting part of the story, which I don't think

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ever gets reported. Do you know where he wanted to go

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-when he was defeated?

-Isle of Wight.

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-He wanted to emigrate to the United States.

-Did he?

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He went to the west coast of France, to Rochefort. There was a boat...

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There it is, the HMS Bellerophon, known by the men as Billy Ruffian.

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And they blockaded the port.

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So, he surrendered and was taken to the UK.

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And it was supposed to be a secret that he was first in Brixham,

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then the ship was moved to Plymouth.

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But he was so popular in the UK that people would spend a year's rent

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to get a rowboat out to the ship in order to see Napoleon.

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And he wasn't allowed to come to land because they were so afraid

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that he was so popular that there would be a public uprising.

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And, in the end,

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achieve his goal of defeating Britain in the first place.

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10,000 people boarded 1,000 small boats in order to get

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-a glimpse of him.

-How was he that popular? Hadn't we just fought him?

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Well, that's the weird thing.

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In a way, Waterloo, not hugely good for democracy,

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it's not something anybody says.

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But the Bourbons were restored as kings of France,

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and the revolution was over.

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And there were people who believed him when he said that

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if he had come to Britain, he'd have got rid of the nobility,

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and he'd have spread all the money to the people.

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But, in fact, that never happened because he never came.

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There were people who genuinely thought he was incredible.

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And the crew used to hang notices over the side of the ship

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saying, "He's having his breakfast."

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"He's having dinner with the Captain Maitland."

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It's the most extraordinary story that he was too popular

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to be allowed to land. It's extraordinary.

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And he was taken to St Helena, and then about 2,800 men

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and a squadron of 11 ships made sure that that one man stayed there.

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You can see it from that picture, can't you?

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He's like the Bieber of his day. Lovely grey pallor. Oh.

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Anybody know when Nelson's pension ran out?

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-1974.

-Close.

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-Seriously close.

-Is it one of these anomalies...

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-Is someone still claiming it?

-Not any more.

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It ran out in 1947, 142 years after his death.

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After the Battle of Trafalgar, his brother,

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who was an obscure Norfolk parson called Reverend William Nelson,

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was given an earldom and a pension of £5,000 a year.

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And this carried on,

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passed on down the family line until Clement Attlee stopped it in 1947.

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Even then, it was worth £400,000 a year in today's money.

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It was a serious amount of money.

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Right, time for some salty language now.

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Complete the nautical rhyme.

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"A pig on the knee..."

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A pig on the knee, I'm a Tory MP?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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So, a pig on the knee is actually safety at sea.

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Safety at sea, that old favourite.

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The next one is, a cock on the right...

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Transgender surgery doesn't always go right.

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Put out the lights.

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-Put out the lights?

-Don't take flight.

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No. A cock on the right...

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The parish priest is strolling tonight.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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That's poetry from you, Johnny.

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-Cock on the right, never lose a fight, it is.

-Never lose a fight.

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So, it was superstitious sailors.

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They used to get tattoos of a pig on the left knee and a rooster,

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or a cock, on the right foot.

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So, pig on the knee, safety at sea.

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A cock on the right, never lose a fight.

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Because the idea was that pigs and cockerels were kept in crates

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on the ships, and when the ships sank, the crates floated,

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and the animals were associated with surviving shipwrecks.

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I heard that because a pig and a cock can't swim,

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so God would look at you benevolently.

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Can pigs not swim?

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-I think famously pigs can't fly.

-Yeah.

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That's the one. You're thinking of the Royal Air Force.

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They're full of salt. Surely that bobs, doesn't it, salt?

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It's going to be a struggle. When I took my baby swimming

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for the first time, I strapped two pigs to his hands.

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And I'm banned from the local swimming pool.

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-For bringing your own food in.

-Yeah.

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Anybody know where tattoos come from?

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I guess the South Pacific. Maui...

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They had them but it isn't where they come from.

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Is it your lot? Is it the... Scandinavian, the Vikings?

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-We randy Scandis, yes.

-Is it the Vikings?

-No, it isn't at all.

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As far as we know, medical tattoos go back about 5,000 years.

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Otzi the Iceman, who was found in the Alps, 5,000-year-old corpse,

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he had tattoos over his spine, over his right knee and ankles.

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And he also had osteoarthritis in his joints, and so it's possible

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they thought a tattoo had some healing effect,

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or that it might do something. So they're at least 5,000 years old.

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My brother got one.

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And you know the trend a few years ago,

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to get it in a language you don't understand

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-so you don't know if it's been misspelt?

-Yeah.

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I said, "What does it mean?" He went, "Honesty."

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And as my mum walked in,

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he pulled his shirt on and just pretended he hadn't had it.

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Lots of great women, tattooed ladies.

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Nora Hildebrandt, she was America's very first

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professional tattooed lady.

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This is a wonderful drawing by my friend Sandy Nightingale

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of Nora Hildebrandt. Doesn't she look fab?

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She had 365 designs tattooed on her.

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She claimed she had been captured by Sitting Bull and his tribe

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and tied to a tree and tattooed every day for a year,

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but, in fact, her dad did it.

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-Slightly, it's a weirder story.

-I think she may have been trying to

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detract from men staring at her nose.

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-I mean, you've got to question that.

-Well, if you don't do your homework,

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I mean... What do you expect?

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How did he get involved?

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She was likely his showcase, as it were, his window display,

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to say, "These are the ones I can do."

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Thank God he didn't own a garage,

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or he'd have just glued car parts to her.

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-Yes.

-She would have looked like a Transformer.

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How creepy is that? You walk into a tattooist's, say,

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"I'm thinking about getting a tattoo," and he goes,

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"Well, just look at my daughter for a while.

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-"Pick anything you want."

-Yeah.

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"O...OK..."

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When you have a tattoo lasered off, what happens to it?

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-Do you know where it goes?

-To heaven.

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They can't recycle them, can they?

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No. They don't scrape them off and give them to somebody else.

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There was a guy at Barts that had an incredible collection of tattoos.

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-Had he actually cut them off people's skin?

-Yeah, so,

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whenever they got cadavers in,

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if they had an interesting tattoo, he'd take that piece of skin...

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-And frame it?

-I think it was, like, in the '60s.

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They kind of went, "I don't think we can do that any more."

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What happens to them? We laser off a tattoo, what...?

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-It goes into your body.

-Yes, exactly right.

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The beams of light heat the ink and breaks it down into little pieces.

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It's absorbed into the blood and it is excreted.

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So it comes out in your poo.

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So, you see it in your poo and you go, "That's what I really wanted!"

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Yeah, so if you loved somebody once...

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-A tattoo poo.

-Yeah, you can poo them away, basically.

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If it came out in the wee, you'd stand there going, "I'm an octopus!"

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I now understand why boys make such a mess in the toilet,

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because they're not holding on.

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-Here's a naval question you'll know, if your brother's an admiral.

-Yes.

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Why is the Navy salute different to the Army salute?

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And you know how it's different?

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Er...

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It is... The Navy one's more of a, "Cooee!"

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"Hello, sailor!"

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-This?

-That's right, that's the Navy.

-That's the Navy.

-And the Army?

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Is like that, exactly right. Do you know why?

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It's because Benny Hill wasn't in the Navy?

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Because their hands were covered in grease and Queen Victoria

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didn't like it, so she made them, instead of standing like that,

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she made them stand like that

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so she couldn't see how dirty their hands were.

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So they were meeting the Queen? "Shall we wash our hands?"

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"No, it's only the Queen coming aboard, don't worry about it."

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There's a lot of weird Navy things.

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They toast the Queen sitting down, the Navy, they don't stand up.

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They're the only services that are allowed to do that.

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I'm not sure why - it was either William IV or Charles II,

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and he was coming back to England,

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and he stood up during the toast and he bumped his head on a beam,

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and he announced from then on the Navy would sit down when drinking.

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And, so, now they do, toasting the King and Queen.

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They've got all sorts of very interesting language.

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-Jack Tar speak.

-It's a bit rude, but the term for

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premature ejaculation is "getting off at Fratton,"

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because Fratton is the train station

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two before Portsmouth.

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LAUGHTER

0:15:310:15:33

Which is your final destination, really.

0:15:330:15:35

Two before, so what's the station just one before?

0:15:380:15:40

Because sometimes it's not that bad.

0:15:400:15:42

Sometimes I fall asleep at the station and I'm there for ages.

0:15:440:15:47

That's almost too much information for me, really.

0:15:490:15:53

I go to Portsmouth all the time. I shall look at Fratton with new eyes.

0:15:530:15:56

Do you? Ooh!

0:15:560:15:58

-I do, yes.

-Same here, same here, yeah.

0:15:580:16:00

What, go to Portsmouth?

0:16:000:16:01

Oh, no, I thought we were talking about Fratton. Sorry.

0:16:010:16:05

I'm so sorry!

0:16:050:16:07

For some sailors, tattoos were thought to be a real life-saver.

0:16:070:16:10

Now, what are these men looking at?

0:16:100:16:13

Their feet.

0:16:130:16:15

-No, something higher up.

-Their genitalia.

0:16:150:16:18

-It's higher than that.

-Their navels, they're navel-gazing.

0:16:180:16:20

Yes. They're engaged in omphaloskepsis, or navel-gazing.

0:16:200:16:25

So, the Greek for navel is omphalos,

0:16:250:16:28

and apparently it's an aid to meditation.

0:16:280:16:30

It doesn't look like what they're doing, does it?

0:16:300:16:32

But in some yoga practices, it's regarded as an aid to meditation.

0:16:320:16:34

It looks like they're thinking,

0:16:340:16:36

"These pills I bought on the internet are not working.

0:16:360:16:38

"I've been bloody ripped off, haven't I?"

0:16:400:16:41

You can never quite capture in a statue someone crying.

0:16:410:16:45

-That's true, that's true.

-And going, "Why me, God, why me?"

0:16:470:16:50

After having a couple of kids, I tell you, it's not meditative.

0:16:500:16:53

I just see blind panic when I look at mine.

0:16:530:16:56

We should all possibly panic when we look at our navels,

0:16:560:16:58

because the average human navel has about 50 species of bacteria in it.

0:16:580:17:03

That one's got a peanut in it.

0:17:030:17:05

Never mind bacteria, that's a whole peanut.

0:17:070:17:09

They're very varied, aren't they?

0:17:090:17:11

-Yeah.

-Belly buttons.

0:17:110:17:12

An innie, an outie, and a kind of natural horizon.

0:17:120:17:15

Honestly, if you combine it with my man-breasts,

0:17:150:17:19

whenever I take my top off,

0:17:190:17:20

it looks like my midriff has been rejected for a loan.

0:17:200:17:25

LAUGHTER

0:17:250:17:28

It looks so depressed,

0:17:300:17:32

like it's filled out all the forms and everything.

0:17:320:17:34

But if you stand on your hands, does it look like it's got the loan?

0:17:370:17:40

Yeah, I can turn upside down and it looks like it's in tax exile.

0:17:400:17:43

Mine's got real passion.

0:17:450:17:47

It's got more range than this has.

0:17:470:17:49

Do you know why there are innies or outies?

0:17:510:17:53

Do you know what the reason is?

0:17:530:17:54

It's just where they tie it off, isn't it?

0:17:540:17:56

No, it's nothing to do with that at all.

0:17:560:17:57

So, after birth, the umbilical cord is cut to, whatever it is,

0:17:570:18:00

an inch or two from the newborn's belly,

0:18:000:18:02

and then it dries up and falls off as the muscles close up.

0:18:020:18:04

And the navel is just the scar left, basically,

0:18:040:18:06

from the base of the cord.

0:18:060:18:08

And usually it ends up slightly retracted,

0:18:080:18:10

but sometimes a bit of extra skin stays, that's all,

0:18:100:18:12

and it makes it stick out or the muscles don't close off,

0:18:120:18:14

and you're left with a little tiny protruding hernia.

0:18:140:18:17

That one's got a hand growing out of it.

0:18:170:18:20

LAUGHTER

0:18:200:18:22

A bloody disaster, that.

0:18:220:18:24

It is amazing, they can remove your kidney,

0:18:240:18:27

your gall bladder through the navel, now.

0:18:270:18:29

They don't have even any scarring.

0:18:290:18:31

They've got to ask, though, haven't they?

0:18:310:18:32

They do have to ask, yeah.

0:18:320:18:34

They'll do you a tattoo of a little door.

0:18:360:18:38

It beats waking up in a bath on holiday

0:18:400:18:43

with all that ice around you.

0:18:430:18:46

"Not again!"

0:18:460:18:48

They can do everything now,

0:18:480:18:50

-they can turn you inside out through your navel.

-Can they?

-Yeah.

0:18:500:18:53

-JOHNNY:

-How can they turn you inside out?

0:18:530:18:55

Just put your hand... It's like a duvet cover.

0:18:550:18:58

LAUGHTER

0:18:580:18:59

My mum has got some loose skin at the back.

0:19:020:19:04

Next time she's holding drinks, I'm going to try the...

0:19:040:19:06

"My mum's got some loose skin at the back."

0:19:100:19:12

Well, I'm sure she's watching this, proud as ever.

0:19:120:19:17

"Oh, my Johnny's on television this evening, so proud of that boy."

0:19:170:19:20

Her phone's already ringing off the hook.

0:19:200:19:22

"What's this about loose skin on your back?

0:19:220:19:26

"It's the talk of the street!"

0:19:260:19:27

It's the only work I do that the girls from bingo watch.

0:19:290:19:32

But imagine if she were still holding the tray of drinks.

0:19:320:19:35

And suddenly looking ten years younger.

0:19:390:19:41

There's an underwear model, I think, Karolina Kurkova.

0:19:430:19:46

She's got no belly button at all. Well, I mean...

0:19:460:19:48

All humans ought to have a belly button

0:19:480:19:50

but I think there are a few people that don't...

0:19:500:19:52

Oh, now! There's a tattooed woman who's had the whites of her eyes

0:19:520:19:55

tattooed blue, and she's had her navel removed.

0:19:550:19:58

-I think you can do it as a cosmetic thing.

-She's had her eyes...

0:19:580:20:01

-Not her eyeballs?

-Yes!

-Her eyelids!

-Yes, she has.

-Or her eyeballs?

0:20:010:20:05

Her eyeballs.

0:20:050:20:06

-Injected with purple ink.

-So, you can get your eyeballs tattooed.

0:20:060:20:10

-It saves on mascara. Why would you do that?

-I don't know.

0:20:100:20:15

Because she probably saw it on QI and went, "Yeah, why not?"

0:20:150:20:18

All you have to do is drink for 20 years and then you get

0:20:180:20:21

a lovely shade of red.

0:20:210:20:22

It's all been worth it, Johnny.

0:20:240:20:26

Contemplating your navel can bring you both innie and outie peace.

0:20:270:20:31

That's nice, isn't it? AUDIENCE GROANS

0:20:310:20:34

All right, back off!

0:20:340:20:35

-When I get angry...

-LAUGHTER

0:20:350:20:38

What am I an inch and a half taller than?

0:20:380:20:40

-I'm five foot tall.

-The cast of Time Bandits.

0:20:420:20:45

Kylie Minogue. She's 4' 11", isn't she?

0:20:480:20:51

-She is tiny.

-You were an inch and a half -

0:20:510:20:53

God rest his soul - smaller than Ronnie Corbett.

0:20:530:20:57

Yes, Ronnie...

0:20:570:20:58

-He was 5'1½".

-..Ronnie Corbett and I worked together often.

0:20:580:21:01

I remember playing golf with Ronnie, and he said,

0:21:010:21:04

"Dear God, darling, from a distance we must look like a condiment set."

0:21:040:21:07

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:21:070:21:10

I pay tribute to him, one of the funniest men I ever worked with.

0:21:140:21:17

-A delight.

-Is it a naval thing, anything to do with naval...?

0:21:170:21:20

It is about exploration, it's about travel,

0:21:200:21:22

but it's about travel in a different direction, away from...

0:21:220:21:25

-Is it roller-coasters?

-Space.

-Space, yes, it's space.

0:21:250:21:27

Yes, it's the minimum height for Nasa. You need to be 4'10½".

0:21:270:21:31

And the maximum is 6'4".

0:21:310:21:33

Basically, you need to be tall enough to reach the controls,

0:21:330:21:35

and not too tall to fit in the seat.

0:21:350:21:37

The weird thing is that in space... I'd quite like to go,

0:21:370:21:40

because you grow two inches because of the lack of gravity.

0:21:400:21:43

So you would go into space and exceed the height limit,

0:21:430:21:45

if you started out at 6'4"...

0:21:450:21:47

LAUGHTER

0:21:470:21:50

APPLAUSE

0:21:540:21:56

Surely it all comes crashing down once you land?

0:22:050:22:08

As you're getting nearer and nearer the Earth...

0:22:080:22:10

Yeah, but what if you're up in space,

0:22:130:22:15

you're up in space and then they suddenly tell you

0:22:150:22:17

-you're too tall?

-Well, when astronaut Scott Kelly

0:22:170:22:19

came back from the International Space Station,

0:22:190:22:22

he had a twin brother. They had been the same height when he left,

0:22:220:22:24

and he was two inches taller than his brother when he got back.

0:22:240:22:26

Once you get back to Earth, you shrink back pretty quickly.

0:22:260:22:29

And the other thing... See, this would be very good,

0:22:290:22:31

you'd like this, Johnny - it's very good for your figure, OK?

0:22:310:22:34

Why would that be good for me, Sandi?

0:22:340:22:36

-I'm dying to know.

-Because your chest and navel might get a loan.

0:22:380:22:42

But then...

0:22:440:22:45

But then it would stretch, I'd get over competent,

0:22:450:22:48

and then break the record for eating cheesecake in space.

0:22:480:22:51

What happens is, in space, the internal organs move up

0:22:530:22:55

inside the torso, so your waist shrinks by several inches.

0:22:550:22:58

So, on Earth, for example, the human leg muscles,

0:22:580:23:01

they pump blood into the upper body against gravity, but in space,

0:23:010:23:04

no gravity, so the blood and fluids get pumped upwards,

0:23:040:23:07

and you get this buffed-up torso.

0:23:070:23:08

Can you get breasts that sit above your clavicle, Sandi?

0:23:080:23:11

-That would be great.

-You sound like that's something that people want.

0:23:110:23:14

They go, "Oh!"

0:23:140:23:16

You could eat a pizza and keep it there for two weeks.

0:23:160:23:19

If you've just got bad acid indigestion, you could do that.

0:23:220:23:25

I'm used to reflux.

0:23:250:23:28

This is very off-topic, but when I first met Johnny...

0:23:280:23:30

-I don't know why you're apologising.

-..he had acid reflux.

0:23:300:23:33

It was in the Gilded Balloon in Edinburgh, back in the day.

0:23:330:23:35

And you were making home-made Gaviscon from half a pint of Baileys

0:23:350:23:40

and half a pint of Cointreau.

0:23:400:23:42

And you said...

0:23:500:23:51

"Have a sip of that. It's home-made Gaviscon.

0:23:510:23:54

"It really takes the edge off."

0:23:540:23:56

It was a drink that allowed you to keep on drinking whilst,

0:23:560:23:59

you know, keeping the acid demons at bay.

0:23:590:24:03

Half a pint of Baileys, half a pint of Cointreau.

0:24:030:24:06

Literally, a recipe for disaster.

0:24:060:24:08

Did it work? Did it work, though?

0:24:090:24:11

The Cointreau gives you an edge, and the Baileys...

0:24:110:24:14

-Takes it away again.

-..takes away the edge.

0:24:140:24:17

I'd quite like to see you in space, it'd be great.

0:24:180:24:20

-Would you like to go?

-I would love to go.

0:24:200:24:22

-Is that the weightlessness? The view of Earth?

-It's that it's so other.

0:24:220:24:26

Apparently, the weirdest thing is,

0:24:260:24:28

because your organs are kind of up in the top of your body,

0:24:280:24:30

you can also feel your food literally floating around as well.

0:24:300:24:34

Helen Sharman talked about this weird feeling of your own food

0:24:340:24:36

-floating inside because there's no gravity.

-It doesn't appeal.

0:24:360:24:40

Does it not? Oh, I would love to go.

0:24:400:24:42

I wish they could send some poets and some artists up there,

0:24:420:24:44

so we can get a bit more of an idea of what it actually...

0:24:440:24:47

Because if you see anyone interviewed, they go,

0:24:470:24:49

"Yeah, it's very nice."

0:24:490:24:51

If they sent Will Self, do a video diary.

0:24:510:24:54

"The majestic splendour of Earth...

0:24:570:24:59

"..is a little disappointing.

0:25:000:25:02

"14 days without a cigarette now."

0:25:040:25:06

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:25:060:25:09

The minimum height for a Nasa astronaut is 4'10½",

0:25:130:25:16

so, hope for me yet.

0:25:160:25:18

Alan, what have you got that most people would describe as average

0:25:180:25:21

-rather than large or small?

-Oh...

0:25:210:25:23

Don't you look handsome?

0:25:250:25:26

-RONNI:

-Oh, you do.

-Look at you.

-He dresses up well.

0:25:260:25:29

When did people start wearing ties with a suit like that?

0:25:290:25:32

When did that start happening?

0:25:320:25:33

What have you got people would describe as average rather

0:25:360:25:39

-than large or small?

-All of me is average.

-No, that's not true.

0:25:390:25:42

Nothing of me is large, or too small.

0:25:420:25:45

So, it's in your visage.

0:25:480:25:49

-The distance between his eyes.

-Eyes, nose, mouth, teeth...

0:25:490:25:52

-It's your nose, it's your nose.

-Nose.

-Here's the weird thing.

0:25:520:25:54

Early British passports didn't have photographs at all

0:25:540:25:57

so you had to describe your facial features. So, for nose,

0:25:570:26:00

almost everybody wrote "average" rather than "large" or "small."

0:26:000:26:03

I suppose, overall, they were right.

0:26:030:26:04

If you wanted to appear authoritative,

0:26:110:26:13

you could put "Roman," apparently. You could say you had a Roman nose.

0:26:130:26:16

Other categories, forehead. How would you describe your forehead?

0:26:160:26:19

I would describe mine as at least a six or possibly an eight head.

0:26:190:26:22

I'd describe mine as an Ant, off of Ant and Dec.

0:26:240:26:27

I can never remember which one that is.

0:26:290:26:32

It's the one with the Jimmy Carter forehead.

0:26:320:26:34

Complexion. How would you describe your complexion?

0:26:360:26:38

-Those are the other things they've to do.

-I would say ruddy.

-Ruddy...

0:26:380:26:41

-Ruddy is good.

-Ruddy was good.

-"I've got a ruddy complexion."

0:26:410:26:44

"Fresh" was good.

0:26:440:26:45

The British government apparently disliked the idea of putting

0:26:450:26:48

physical descriptions on passports.

0:26:480:26:50

It meant that British people would be scrutinised by foreigners.

0:26:500:26:54

Quite right, too.

0:26:540:26:55

Those were the days when it was only the British that travelled.

0:26:550:26:58

-And everyone trusted us anyway.

-Absolutely.

0:26:580:27:00

In 1835, the Foreign Secretary, Lord Palmerston,

0:27:000:27:02

argued with the Belgian government saying, "Requirements to provide

0:27:020:27:05

"one's height and eye colour was degrading and offensive."

0:27:050:27:08

And, besides, none of us want to come to Belgium.

0:27:080:27:10

How things have changed.

0:27:120:27:13

My eight-year-old was body searched and swept for explosives twice.

0:27:130:27:17

-Your eight-year-old?

-And, guess what?

0:27:170:27:20

She was clear so we can all sleep easy in our beds.

0:27:200:27:22

So, what was... Why was she going alone to Syria?

0:27:220:27:25

There's a fantastic letter written in 1914 by a man

0:27:310:27:35

called Bassett Digby. It says, "Sir.

0:27:350:27:37

"A little light might be shed with advantage

0:27:370:27:39

"upon the high-handed methods of the passports department

0:27:390:27:42

"of the Foreign Office. On the form provided for the purpose,

0:27:420:27:44

"I described my face as 'intelligent.'

0:27:440:27:47

"Instead of finding this characterisation entered,

0:27:470:27:50

"I have received a passport in which some official,

0:27:500:27:52

"utterly unknown to me, has taken it upon himself

0:27:520:27:55

"to call my face 'oval.'"

0:27:550:27:57

-That's so brilliant. You could just be anybody you wanted to be.

-Yeah.

0:27:590:28:04

Why do you think it changed?

0:28:040:28:05

Why did we suddenly think, actually, that's not a good idea,

0:28:050:28:08

-these written physical descriptions?

-Wartime?

-Yeah. It's World War I.

0:28:080:28:11

We suddenly got very anxious about German spies.

0:28:110:28:14

We thought, actually, they don't take a good photograph.

0:28:140:28:16

We'll take photographs. It'll be absolutely fine.

0:28:160:28:18

-Who doesn't need a passport?

-I presume the Queen.

-Her Majesty.

0:28:180:28:22

-But she has to bring a 20.

-Yeah.

0:28:220:28:25

"Could you just turn to the side, ma'am?" "Certainly. That's me."

0:28:270:28:30

The passport is issued in her name and, therefore, she is,

0:28:300:28:33

as it were, a passport.

0:28:330:28:35

So she doesn't need to carry one.

0:28:350:28:37

Now, for a truly gigantic feat of navigation. Every year,

0:28:370:28:40

this bird flies 5,000 miles across the Pacific.

0:28:400:28:44

What does it do when it gets there?

0:28:440:28:46

Has a cocktail.

0:28:460:28:47

I like that it has a cocktail, but no.

0:28:470:28:49

-Remembers it's left the gas on?

-Sweet.

0:28:490:28:53

Unclips its wings, unzips,

0:28:530:28:55

and it's an otter.

0:28:550:28:57

Two points to Johnny.

0:29:020:29:05

It goes to duty-free, gets 200 fags, flies back.

0:29:050:29:09

Well, the last part is, in fact, correct.

0:29:090:29:13

-What, it flies 5,000 miles...?

-It's the weirdest thing.

0:29:130:29:16

It has a rest, and then it goes back again.

0:29:160:29:19

It's the ancient murrelet, and it's a Pacific sea bird.

0:29:190:29:23

The common murre is a large auk, so the murrelet is a small one.

0:29:230:29:25

And it's called "ancient" because of its grey back,

0:29:250:29:28

it's supposed to look like a shawl draped over...

0:29:280:29:30

draped over an old person's shoulders.

0:29:300:29:32

And every year it travels 5,000 miles across the North Pacific,

0:29:320:29:36

from western Canada to the seas off Japan, and then the following

0:29:360:29:39

spring, it goes back again for no discernible benefit whatsoever.

0:29:390:29:43

Do you think it's just disappointed with its destination?

0:29:430:29:47

Well, mostly they migrate for warmer weather, or better food sources.

0:29:470:29:50

But the food and the climate is the same at both ends.

0:29:500:29:53

So, the only explanation scientists have come up with is that

0:29:530:29:57

it is automatically following an ancient migration route,

0:29:570:30:00

which used to make sense,

0:30:000:30:02

and the poor bird hasn't realised yet that it's pointless.

0:30:020:30:05

-You mean there's no benefit in the seasons, or the climate?

-No.

0:30:060:30:09

-No benefit whatsoever.

-Or the temperature?

0:30:090:30:11

You do have the penguins on the beach in South Africa,

0:30:110:30:14

so, they just get there, and they're going, "Ha. Ha!"

0:30:140:30:18

And there's a kind of social awkwardness.

0:30:180:30:20

And they go, "Come on, Mildred, we're leaving.

0:30:200:30:22

"Don't take your coat off. We're not staying."

0:30:240:30:26

They go from western Canada to the seas off Japan.

0:30:270:30:30

I don't think they take in South Africa on the way.

0:30:300:30:33

You know what? In my head, it was a great theory.

0:30:330:30:36

The Arctic terns are extraordinary.

0:30:370:30:39

Every year, they travel up to 50,000 miles between the Earth's poles.

0:30:390:30:43

-What's their act? Out of interest.

-What kind of a "turn" is it?

0:30:430:30:47

-Yeah.

-I'm there with you.

0:30:470:30:49

Rather than flying directly from the Arctic to Antarctica,

0:30:490:30:53

they go on a route which adds 1,800 miles to the trip.

0:30:530:30:56

So, it's incredibly complicated.

0:30:560:30:58

But they take advantage of the global wind system,

0:30:580:31:01

so they're probably saving energy.

0:31:010:31:02

I'm sorry, could that map be a little bit less clear?

0:31:020:31:05

I'd just like to know less about what's going on.

0:31:070:31:09

If my child had three crayons in a pizza parlour.

0:31:090:31:14

Sorry, what's that telling us?

0:31:140:31:16

-Spaghetti's delicious.

-It's showing us they don't go straight

0:31:160:31:18

from the Antarctic to the Arctic.

0:31:180:31:20

That's what you call cartologists covering their options, aren't they?

0:31:200:31:23

Most of the journey, they're going, "Whoa!

0:31:230:31:27

"It's windy! It's windy!"

0:31:270:31:29

Imagine, though, to travel that far.

0:31:300:31:32

Although the longest nonstop flight ever recorded

0:31:320:31:34

is the bar-tailed godwit,

0:31:340:31:36

and when it migrates, it flies 7,100 miles without stopping.

0:31:360:31:39

-I once went to Swansea for 70 quid.

-Did you?

0:31:390:31:42

A very similar journey.

0:31:440:31:45

Equally pointless.

0:31:460:31:48

-Did you get there and come straight back again?

-I wanted to.

0:31:500:31:54

Someone put me up and it turned out all right.

0:31:540:31:57

I do find the whole navigation thing so extraordinary.

0:31:570:31:59

Sand wasps fly backwards around their home when they leave in

0:31:590:32:02

the morning, and it's to make sure they can find their way back again.

0:32:020:32:05

They check out exactly what it looks like around their home,

0:32:050:32:08

so they fly backwards away from home, check out what it's like.

0:32:080:32:10

That's what you should be doing, Johnny.

0:32:100:32:12

Just walk backwards around your house a few times.

0:32:120:32:15

You'll never get lost again!

0:32:150:32:16

Now, it's time for us to pull out the bungs and immerse ourselves

0:32:170:32:20

in the murky waters of general ignorance,

0:32:200:32:23

so fingers on buzzers, please.

0:32:230:32:24

What is the fastest swimming stroke?

0:32:260:32:29

-RASPY HONK Jimmy.

-Dolphin.

0:32:290:32:32

Well, dolphins are jolly quick,

0:32:320:32:34

but even they can't do this stroke.

0:32:340:32:37

But they could probably beat whoever's doing it.

0:32:370:32:39

What they can do, which we can't do,

0:32:390:32:41

we create a bow wave when we're swimming

0:32:410:32:42

and dolphins are able to leap over it, so there's no water resistance.

0:32:420:32:46

So, points for that then. 100% right.

0:32:460:32:48

No. It isn't the fastest swimming stroke.

0:32:480:32:50

Are we looking for a human stroke?

0:32:500:32:52

It is a stroke that humans can do, but we got it from somewhere else.

0:32:520:32:56

-The butterfly.

-Oh, I like that we got it from the butterfly.

0:32:560:32:59

I like that.

0:32:590:33:02

The backstroke.

0:33:020:33:03

No, it's not the butterfly, it's not the crawl.

0:33:030:33:05

-Doggy paddle!

-The tumble turn.

0:33:050:33:08

When they turn, and then they swim, do you know what they do then?

0:33:080:33:11

Oh, that sort of wiggling underwater bit?

0:33:110:33:13

The wiggling underwater thing, it's called the fish kick.

0:33:130:33:16

You know what else they call it? They call it "the dolphin."

0:33:160:33:19

Because that's exactly what a dolphin does.

0:33:190:33:22

Literally points, cos, I mean, that is a dolphin.

0:33:220:33:24

-He's doing the dolphin.

-In Jimmy's defence, they don't wear Speedos,

0:33:240:33:27

-but they look very similar.

-They do look very similar.

0:33:270:33:30

You're only allowed to swim underwater for the first 15m,

0:33:300:33:33

so that's why people don't do it in competitive swimming.

0:33:330:33:35

Although there are some fantastic...

0:33:350:33:37

This is an American swimmer, who has the best name ever. Her name is...

0:33:370:33:42

-Is it Hyman?

-She's called Misty Hyman.

-Misty Hyman.

-I do know her.

0:33:420:33:48

She's one of the most famous proponents

0:33:490:33:52

of this underwater fish kick.

0:33:520:33:54

And she thinks underwater swimming would be rather fine for audiences.

0:33:540:33:57

She said, they would have the excitement of wondering

0:33:570:33:59

where you're going to pop up again.

0:33:590:34:01

I very much enjoyed the interviews they did with the swimmers

0:34:010:34:04

who won gold medals in the Olympics. And I remember one of them saying,

0:34:040:34:07

they said, "What was his secret?" He said, "I realised

0:34:070:34:09

"the competition was very stiff, so I put my head down

0:34:090:34:11

"and swam really fast."

0:34:110:34:12

Always good.

0:34:140:34:16

Now, what did Highland warriors wear at the Battle of Bannockburn?

0:34:160:34:21

Kilts.

0:34:210:34:22

No, not kilts, no.

0:34:230:34:25

-Here's a random Scandinavian fact.

-Oh, OK.

0:34:270:34:29

The word kilt comes from the Danish word kilte, meaning tuck.

0:34:290:34:33

-So it's actually a Danish word.

-Oh!

-Yes, that's rather fine.

0:34:330:34:36

But medieval Scottish warriors did not wear kilts

0:34:360:34:38

when they went into battle. What did they wear, anybody know?

0:34:380:34:41

-Dungarees.

-Pantaloons!

-It was a yellow tunic.

0:34:410:34:43

A yellow tunic?!

0:34:430:34:45

A yellow tunic, called a leine croich.

0:34:450:34:47

I love the bloke on the left's got one of those

0:34:470:34:49

umbrella hats from the fair.

0:34:490:34:50

Yes, they're rather fine, aren't they?

0:34:500:34:52

He's trying to knock it off.

0:34:520:34:54

-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-"That's a stupid hat!"

0:34:540:34:56

"It's not even raining!"

0:34:590:35:00

What was weird, they used saffron to make them yellow.

0:35:020:35:05

But if they didn't have saffron, they used to use...

0:35:050:35:07

-Urine!

-Yes.

0:35:070:35:08

-Horse urine.

-Very keen on the yellow, then.

0:35:080:35:11

"Pish-stained tunic."

0:35:110:35:13

Urine was in all the tweeds as well,

0:35:130:35:14

because they used to use it to fix the colours of the tweeds.

0:35:140:35:16

Yeah, but still, you know,

0:35:160:35:18

"Can we not make it green from the grass?"

0:35:180:35:20

"No, keep on pissing on it."

0:35:200:35:21

That horse has got the hots for the painter.

0:35:230:35:27

Yeah, he's looking right at him, isn't he?

0:35:270:35:30

"Hello. Are you getting my best side?

0:35:300:35:33

"Don't paint the twat in the umbrella hat, for God's sake."

0:35:330:35:36

We do have an image, don't we, of the kilt being part of the attire?

0:35:360:35:41

-Very much so.

-But, in fact,

0:35:410:35:42

it was invented for a totally different reason, it was...

0:35:420:35:45

Invented for weddings. They're always in weddings.

0:35:450:35:47

-No, it was...

-Sometimes you can have too much material for a kilt.

0:35:470:35:51

"Just wrap it round here, don't worry about it."

0:35:530:35:55

"One day they'll invent scissors."

0:35:550:35:57

It was actually invented in the 1720s by an English Quaker

0:35:580:36:01

and industrialist, a man called Thomas Rawlinson,

0:36:010:36:04

and he wanted a safer item of clothing for his employees,

0:36:040:36:07

his Scottish employees, in his iron foundry.

0:36:070:36:09

Can I suggest you don't go north of the border and mention that fact?

0:36:090:36:13

Well, the word tartan comes from Middle French -

0:36:130:36:16

they won't like any of it, really.

0:36:160:36:17

The word kilt is Danish - none of it's good.

0:36:170:36:20

Did he have a shop for tourists in Edinburgh?

0:36:200:36:22

Was that why he was secretly...?

0:36:220:36:24

Have you ever been in one of those shops that says,

0:36:240:36:26

"We can find the tartan for any surname"?

0:36:260:36:28

-Oh, yeah.

-Apparently not.

0:36:280:36:30

Sorry, can you explain what you're wearing?

0:36:320:36:34

Ah, yes, the great Danish Toksvig tartan!

0:36:340:36:38

-It's rather fetching.

-Sandi, would you speak a bit of Danish for us?

0:36:380:36:41

SHE SPEAKS DANISH

0:36:410:36:44

-So, there we are.

-Did she just make that up?

-No, I just said...

0:36:440:36:46

No, she just said it backwards.

0:36:460:36:48

-I said, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

-Thank you!

0:36:490:36:53

I can lie in two languages. If you...

0:36:530:36:56

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:36:560:36:57

If you're so hungry you could eat a kilt, don't eat the yellow ones,

0:37:010:37:04

that's the advice.

0:37:040:37:06

Name a cold-blooded creature.

0:37:060:37:08

Lizard.

0:37:080:37:09

So, there are some, yes, but there are also...

0:37:150:37:19

That's why they like the sun to warm up.

0:37:190:37:21

-We've had it on here before, I learnt that on here!

-Yes.

0:37:210:37:25

LAUGHTER

0:37:250:37:26

He's spent ten years doing this show

0:37:260:37:28

for pieces of information like that!

0:37:280:37:30

-But I've arrived with new information!

-Oh, no!

0:37:300:37:33

Simon Cowell.

0:37:330:37:34

There are in fact warm-blooded lizards,

0:37:370:37:39

and indeed warm-blooded fish.

0:37:390:37:40

Almost all reptiles, you're right.

0:37:400:37:42

-That's a horrible picture.

-It's not a good one, no.

0:37:420:37:44

That is a yacare caiman eating a catfish.

0:37:440:37:48

Or a catfish eating the caiman's tongue.

0:37:480:37:50

Almost all reptiles and fish are cold-blooded,

0:37:520:37:54

so they depend on their surroundings to heat them up.

0:37:540:37:57

However, in 2015, we have just had new news -

0:37:570:38:00

scientists have discovered warm-blooded lizards and fish.

0:38:000:38:03

-Argh!

-I know.

0:38:030:38:04

So that lizard there, on the left,

0:38:040:38:06

can heat itself up to ten degrees warmer than its environment

0:38:060:38:09

and nobody knows why.

0:38:090:38:11

And they both live together?

0:38:110:38:13

No, they don't.

0:38:130:38:14

They look surprised, the fish looks very surprised.

0:38:150:38:18

It's called an opah fish.

0:38:180:38:19

It's the only completely warm-blooded fish.

0:38:190:38:22

How is it the only one?

0:38:220:38:23

Is it just really awkward?

0:38:230:38:24

I'm sorry, how do you become the only fish that's warm-blooded

0:38:260:38:30

out of a whole...?

0:38:300:38:31

Or did it just have an overbearing mum who made it

0:38:310:38:34

a hot-water bottle and it just ate it and had an idea?

0:38:340:38:37

It's a really good question,

0:38:370:38:38

because the fact is we don't know how warm-bloodedness evolved.

0:38:380:38:42

Ate a hot-water bottle!

0:38:420:38:43

Looks like a hot-water bottle shape.

0:38:450:38:47

What's more prevalent, post the wipe-out of the dinosaurs?

0:38:470:38:51

Isn't there a theory they died

0:38:510:38:52

because of the change in temperature?

0:38:520:38:54

The thing is, dinosaurs were neither

0:38:540:38:55

warm-blooded nor cold-blooded, they were somewhere in between.

0:38:550:38:58

-There were just right, weren't they?

-They were just right!

0:38:580:39:01

They had lovely Goldilocks blood.

0:39:010:39:03

Because there are disadvantages to being warm-blooded, OK?

0:39:030:39:06

Because one of the things is you have to keep eating to get fuel

0:39:060:39:09

to maintain the constant body temperature.

0:39:090:39:11

So, if, for example, a lion was as big as a Tyrannosaurus rex,

0:39:110:39:14

it probably wouldn't be able to eat enough to survive.

0:39:140:39:17

Isn't there a theory on the dinosaurs

0:39:170:39:19

where they died out because over a certain temperature

0:39:190:39:22

all the eggs hatched as male,

0:39:220:39:24

and below a certain temperature they all hatched as female,

0:39:240:39:26

and then the temperature went down and they all hatched as female,

0:39:260:39:29

and then there were no more... no-one to mate with?

0:39:290:39:32

Well, there are many theories about how the dinosaurs...

0:39:320:39:34

But that's the correct one.

0:39:340:39:36

The one that I can vaguely remember, I'm 90% sure it's 100% correct.

0:39:360:39:40

There's someone who's never watched King Kong.

0:39:400:39:43

Massive gorilla, mate. Twatted all of them.

0:39:450:39:48

LAUGHTER

0:39:480:39:51

Well, that's spoilt the end of that film. Now...

0:39:510:39:53

What was the name of the village where Napoleon was defeated in 1815?

0:39:550:40:00

-Ah...

-Ah...

0:40:000:40:02

Definitely was, I mean, 100%.

0:40:020:40:04

-RASPY HONK

-It was Waterloo.

0:40:040:40:06

-No.

-It was!

0:40:060:40:08

-It definitely was.

-It wasn't.

-No.

-Well...

0:40:080:40:11

The Battle of Waterloo did not take place at Waterloo.

0:40:110:40:15

It is called that because it's where the Duke of Wellington

0:40:150:40:17

stayed the night after the battle,

0:40:170:40:19

and it's where he wrote to his superiors about the battle.

0:40:190:40:21

But, in fact, most of the battle happened a few miles away

0:40:210:40:24

in the municipalities of Braine-l'Alleud and Lasne.

0:40:240:40:28

You'd be really pissed off if you were a little village

0:40:280:40:31

or a little town and your claim to fame was a massive victory,

0:40:310:40:34

and you have to spend all the time going, "No, it was here, with us."

0:40:340:40:38

-It's a few miles up...

-I'm going to write to Abba now.

0:40:380:40:41

What should the song be called? What should it be called?

0:40:410:40:44

The municipality of Braine-l'Alleud and Lasne.

0:40:440:40:46

That's bit difficult to rhyme, but OK.

0:40:460:40:48

-Yeah.

-Municipality...

-Yeah.

0:40:480:40:51

-That's going to ruin "Mamma Mia!", but fine, have it your way.

-I know.

0:40:510:40:54

The Battle of Waterloo didn't happen in Waterloo.

0:40:540:40:56

And, finally, who wore the trousers in Britain in the 18th century?

0:40:560:41:00

No-one.

0:41:000:41:01

Somebody did. One class of person.

0:41:010:41:04

Where have we been from the beginning?

0:41:040:41:06

-The sailors.

-Oh, sailor!

-The sailors, absolutely right.

0:41:060:41:09

It was only sailors. Men wore britches and women wore skirts.

0:41:090:41:13

And trousers were specifically defined

0:41:130:41:15

in a 1718 nautical dictionary as a sort of loose britches of canvas,

0:41:150:41:20

worn by common sailors.

0:41:200:41:22

So what about your officer class?

0:41:220:41:23

-They'd have britches, wouldn't they?

-They'd have britches on, yes.

0:41:230:41:26

In fact, the Duke of Wellington was once thrown out of a club

0:41:260:41:28

-for wearing trousers.

-All been there, eh, Johnny?

0:41:280:41:31

LAUGHTER

0:41:310:41:34

"Why are you throwing me out?" "Because of your trousers!"

0:41:350:41:38

Actually, Nelson died on deck partly because he was wearing

0:41:380:41:40

his epaulettes, so he could be seen.

0:41:400:41:42

Whereas Wellington, rather famously, wore dark clothing

0:41:420:41:44

with no decorations. He's one of the first people

0:41:440:41:46

who wore camouflage, as it were.

0:41:460:41:48

He didn't want the enemy to be able to spot him.

0:41:480:41:50

Nelson refused to take them off, didn't he?

0:41:500:41:52

They pleaded with him to take off because

0:41:520:41:55

-he could be seen and become a target.

-Yeah.

0:41:550:41:57

Although, originally, he had discouraged other officers

0:41:570:41:59

from wearing them, saying it was too French, but it was important to him

0:41:590:42:02

that he, as it were, led the way. So, anyway...

0:42:020:42:05

In the 18th century, the only people who wore trousers

0:42:050:42:07

were jolly Jack Tars.

0:42:070:42:08

And that's your lot for tonight - time to settle the old scores.

0:42:080:42:11

Well, it's an outright win.

0:42:110:42:13

With a magnificent seven points, it's Ronni.

0:42:130:42:17

Did I win?!

0:42:170:42:19

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:190:42:21

In second place, and I'm very surprised,

0:42:230:42:24

because he had winner written all over him,

0:42:240:42:26

but with one point, it's Johnny.

0:42:260:42:28

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:280:42:30

In third place, with -2, it's Jimmy.

0:42:350:42:38

-2. What was the point?

0:42:380:42:41

What was the point of that?

0:42:410:42:43

And an epic fail, -36, Alan.

0:42:430:42:46

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:460:42:48

That brings us to the end of our naval adventures.

0:42:560:42:59

Thanks to Ronni, Jimmy, Johnny and Alan.

0:42:590:43:01

And I leave you with this nautical headline

0:43:010:43:03

from the Western Daily Press -

0:43:030:43:05

"Fish rescued from a large pool of water."

0:43:050:43:08

LAUGHTER

0:43:090:43:12

Goodnight.

0:43:120:43:14

APPLAUSE

0:43:140:43:16