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APPLAUSE | 0:00:33 | 0:00:35 | |
Good evening and welcome to the QI office party. | 0:00:35 | 0:00:38 | |
Joining me around the photocopier for a show all about offices | 0:00:38 | 0:00:42 | |
and occupations are vice president of stapler affairs, Deirdre O'Kane. | 0:00:42 | 0:00:47 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:47 | 0:00:50 | |
Senior partner in charge of biscuits, Richard Osman. | 0:00:51 | 0:00:55 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:55 | 0:00:57 | |
Regional branch Biro lid replacement manager, David Mitchell. | 0:00:59 | 0:01:03 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:01:03 | 0:01:05 | |
And, on the 15th year of his two-week internship, Alan Davies. | 0:01:07 | 0:01:14 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:01:14 | 0:01:16 | |
Let's hear their noises office. Deirdre goes... | 0:01:21 | 0:01:24 | |
CLACKING | 0:01:24 | 0:01:26 | |
PING | 0:01:26 | 0:01:28 | |
What is it? | 0:01:28 | 0:01:29 | |
-Typewriter. -It's a, yeah... -Thanks for the help! Thank you. | 0:01:29 | 0:01:32 | |
-Well done! -Wow. -Yes, there must be a historian in. | 0:01:32 | 0:01:35 | |
But genuinely, kids at home are going, "Oh, thank you." | 0:01:35 | 0:01:37 | |
They couldn't know that, they wouldn't have. | 0:01:37 | 0:01:39 | |
Richard goes... | 0:01:39 | 0:01:40 | |
BROADBAND DIAL-UP BEEPING | 0:01:40 | 0:01:44 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:44 | 0:01:47 | |
That's a laugh from a certain section of the audience, | 0:01:47 | 0:01:49 | |
who got that. | 0:01:49 | 0:01:50 | |
David goes... | 0:01:50 | 0:01:52 | |
WATER POURING | 0:01:52 | 0:01:54 | |
BUBBLING | 0:01:54 | 0:01:57 | |
Diarrhoea, we're all aware of that. | 0:01:57 | 0:01:59 | |
And Alan goes... | 0:02:01 | 0:02:02 | |
RINGING | 0:02:02 | 0:02:05 | |
The office is now closed. Please leave a message for... | 0:02:07 | 0:02:10 | |
-Alan Davies. -..after the tone. | 0:02:10 | 0:02:13 | |
BEEP | 0:02:13 | 0:02:14 | |
Right. | 0:02:14 | 0:02:16 | |
What's the worst thing you can catch in the office? | 0:02:16 | 0:02:20 | |
Well, I mean, the plague? | 0:02:20 | 0:02:22 | |
Can you imagine how many days off people had during the plague? | 0:02:24 | 0:02:26 | |
People who were perfectly all right. | 0:02:26 | 0:02:28 | |
"Yeah, oh, God, plague, yeah. Yeah, pretty bad." | 0:02:28 | 0:02:31 | |
Were they just talking to their hands? They were just... | 0:02:31 | 0:02:34 | |
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | 0:02:34 | 0:02:35 | |
Files disease. | 0:02:35 | 0:02:37 | |
Files disease? | 0:02:37 | 0:02:38 | |
Well, in fact, it's bad manners. | 0:02:41 | 0:02:43 | |
Bad manners is the thing you are most likely to catch in an office. | 0:02:43 | 0:02:46 | |
They did a study in 2015, and acts of rudeness apparently | 0:02:46 | 0:02:49 | |
spread around an organisation a bit like a cold. | 0:02:49 | 0:02:53 | |
And when rudeness starts, | 0:02:53 | 0:02:54 | |
it tends to get worse over the course of a working day. | 0:02:54 | 0:02:57 | |
-It is the thing... -Oh, bugger off! | 0:02:57 | 0:02:59 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:59 | 0:03:01 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:03:02 | 0:03:04 | |
You can't actually catch bad manners. | 0:03:07 | 0:03:08 | |
Apparently what happens is, | 0:03:08 | 0:03:10 | |
if somebody is rude to you you're more likely to be rude back. | 0:03:10 | 0:03:12 | |
Hence the Nazis and things like that. | 0:03:12 | 0:03:15 | |
-That started in an office... -Yeah, yeah. | 0:03:17 | 0:03:19 | |
-..with someone being a little bit impolite... -Yeah. | 0:03:19 | 0:03:21 | |
-..over some filing. -And suddenly they're in Poland. | 0:03:21 | 0:03:23 | |
The next thing you know... | 0:03:23 | 0:03:26 | |
There is lots of bacteria as well. | 0:03:26 | 0:03:27 | |
I mean, they did a study of 33 keyboards in an average office and | 0:03:27 | 0:03:30 | |
one of them had five times as many germs as the office toilet seat. | 0:03:30 | 0:03:33 | |
But I'm always a bit worried about those numbers of germs things | 0:03:35 | 0:03:38 | |
because they say the average kitchen worktop has more germs on it | 0:03:38 | 0:03:42 | |
than the average loo seat. | 0:03:42 | 0:03:44 | |
To which the obvious response is, | 0:03:44 | 0:03:46 | |
well, that's obviously broadly fine, then. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:48 | |
Because we're not all dying, we don't go to the kitchen | 0:03:48 | 0:03:50 | |
and have one meal and immediately vomit and vomit and vomit. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:54 | |
But toilets are actually quite clean | 0:03:54 | 0:03:56 | |
because they are actually cleaned with bleach, which is... | 0:03:56 | 0:03:58 | |
Do you not think bleach is the perfect product of all time? | 0:03:58 | 0:04:01 | |
Because people go to the shops, they buy it, they pour it | 0:04:01 | 0:04:03 | |
down the toilet, they flush it away and they go and buy some more. | 0:04:03 | 0:04:06 | |
Whoever invented it thought, "This is going to make us a fortune." | 0:04:08 | 0:04:11 | |
So Deirdre, what do you reckon? | 0:04:11 | 0:04:12 | |
If you had an all-male office and an all-female office, | 0:04:12 | 0:04:15 | |
which one would have more bacteria? | 0:04:15 | 0:04:17 | |
-Oh, the male office. -Why? | 0:04:17 | 0:04:18 | |
Because they're mankier than us. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:20 | |
So maybe that is the scientific answer. | 0:04:21 | 0:04:23 | |
They're dirtier and bigger, so they give off more bacteria. | 0:04:23 | 0:04:26 | |
But are men dirtier per kilogram? | 0:04:29 | 0:04:32 | |
Oh, that's a good question. | 0:04:32 | 0:04:34 | |
Deirdre, how dirty are you? And then we'll work it out. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:37 | |
I know that men don't wash their hands after | 0:04:37 | 0:04:40 | |
-they've been in the toilet. -There you go. | 0:04:40 | 0:04:42 | |
In fact, I was once at Wembley Stadium, | 0:04:42 | 0:04:45 | |
and I went to wash my hands, and when I got to the sink | 0:04:45 | 0:04:49 | |
there were three penises urinating into the sink. | 0:04:49 | 0:04:52 | |
No! On their own? | 0:04:52 | 0:04:54 | |
I don't really know how it works. | 0:04:56 | 0:04:58 | |
They couldn't be bothered to queue for the urinals, | 0:05:00 | 0:05:03 | |
they just used the sink where I was trying to wash my hands. | 0:05:03 | 0:05:06 | |
And they're here tonight. | 0:05:06 | 0:05:08 | |
Did you ever play the old Comedy Store in Leicester Square? | 0:05:09 | 0:05:11 | |
Yes, and the first time I went in the dressing room, | 0:05:11 | 0:05:14 | |
Arthur Smith and Paul Merton were in there. | 0:05:14 | 0:05:16 | |
And they introduced themselves and said, "The toilet's over there." | 0:05:16 | 0:05:19 | |
-And it was the sink. -Yeah. | 0:05:19 | 0:05:20 | |
So there was just a basin in the corner of the room, | 0:05:20 | 0:05:23 | |
and they weren't really expecting girls. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:26 | |
I was just going to say, not much good for us. | 0:05:26 | 0:05:27 | |
No, well, Josie Lawrence used to lift me up, to be able... | 0:05:27 | 0:05:30 | |
But while we're on the difference between boys and girls, | 0:05:33 | 0:05:36 | |
does anybody know why air con, air conditioning in offices is sexist? | 0:05:36 | 0:05:40 | |
Is it because males and females like different room temperatures? | 0:05:40 | 0:05:44 | |
It's because when it was first set, | 0:05:44 | 0:05:46 | |
they did some tests in the 1960s and they specifically set | 0:05:46 | 0:05:50 | |
the temperature for an 11st, 40-year-old man. | 0:05:50 | 0:05:53 | |
And it's been set at that temperature... | 0:05:53 | 0:05:55 | |
There's no such thing as that any more, is there? | 0:05:55 | 0:05:57 | |
An 11st 40-year-old man. | 0:05:57 | 0:05:59 | |
So it was set at that. | 0:05:59 | 0:06:00 | |
And I don't know his name, if I catch him I'm going to kill him. | 0:06:00 | 0:06:04 | |
But women's metabolisms run so much slower, | 0:06:04 | 0:06:06 | |
so we don't have as much muscle, we don't generate as much heat, | 0:06:06 | 0:06:09 | |
so we're much colder in offices than men, | 0:06:09 | 0:06:11 | |
for whom the air conditioning is all organised. | 0:06:11 | 0:06:13 | |
There is good news, if you feel cold at work. | 0:06:13 | 0:06:16 | |
If you feel cold on a Monday, why might it be better on a Friday? | 0:06:16 | 0:06:19 | |
The excitement at the weekend makes everyone get a little bit oooh. | 0:06:19 | 0:06:23 | |
-So... -You've been in the office for five days, you get used to it? | 0:06:23 | 0:06:25 | |
It's that you've been in the office for five days and it has | 0:06:25 | 0:06:28 | |
got warmer by the generation of all those people coming into the city. | 0:06:28 | 0:06:31 | |
They did some studies in Melbourne | 0:06:31 | 0:06:33 | |
and the temperature actually went up 0.3 degrees in the entire city | 0:06:33 | 0:06:36 | |
by just people coming in over the course of the week. | 0:06:36 | 0:06:39 | |
Not just because it's Melbourne and it's warmer there. | 0:06:39 | 0:06:41 | |
Well, I never thought of that as an answer, I think that's fair enough. | 0:06:41 | 0:06:44 | |
The worst thing you can catch in the office is bad manners, | 0:06:44 | 0:06:47 | |
unless you work in a virus laboratory, I imagine. | 0:06:47 | 0:06:51 | |
So, I have four occupations for you. | 0:06:51 | 0:06:53 | |
Deirdre, you are a sewage diver. | 0:06:53 | 0:06:56 | |
Richard, you are the Queen's bagpiper. | 0:06:56 | 0:06:59 | |
David, you're an ornamental hermit. | 0:06:59 | 0:07:01 | |
And, Alan, you're bailiff of the Chiltern Hundreds. | 0:07:03 | 0:07:06 | |
Which of you has got a real job? | 0:07:06 | 0:07:08 | |
The Chiltern Hundreds is a real place. | 0:07:09 | 0:07:11 | |
Yes, but is the job a real job? | 0:07:11 | 0:07:13 | |
It's an anti-job. It's what you get when you resign as an MP, | 0:07:13 | 0:07:16 | |
-you join the Chiltern Hundreds. -Yeah. | 0:07:16 | 0:07:17 | |
So it's not really a real job. | 0:07:17 | 0:07:19 | |
So 1624, they passed a law saying that nobody | 0:07:19 | 0:07:22 | |
can leave Parliament, and it stems from the time | 0:07:22 | 0:07:25 | |
when people were elected against their will. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:27 | |
So sometimes local gentry were made to join Parliament, | 0:07:27 | 0:07:29 | |
they didn't really want to, | 0:07:29 | 0:07:31 | |
and the law says technically you have to die or you have to be | 0:07:31 | 0:07:34 | |
voted out or you have to go work for the Queen or something. | 0:07:34 | 0:07:37 | |
So if you want to retire, you apply for a fictional Crown Office | 0:07:37 | 0:07:40 | |
called the steward and bailiff of the Chiltern Hundreds. | 0:07:40 | 0:07:42 | |
And here are some people who have, in their time, been stewards. | 0:07:42 | 0:07:45 | |
Look at Tony Blair pretending to drink wine. | 0:07:45 | 0:07:47 | |
He brought an empty glass to his lips | 0:07:48 | 0:07:51 | |
and now he's filled it with his special liquid. | 0:07:51 | 0:07:53 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:07:53 | 0:07:56 | |
Then he passes it to the person next to him. | 0:07:58 | 0:08:01 | |
They drink it and then they like him. | 0:08:01 | 0:08:03 | |
So, let's go back to the sewage diver. | 0:08:05 | 0:08:07 | |
What do you reckon, Deirdre, real job? | 0:08:07 | 0:08:08 | |
Well, it's a shit job, isn't it? | 0:08:08 | 0:08:10 | |
It is, look at that, it is a real thing. | 0:08:12 | 0:08:14 | |
It's more wading they do than diving, isn't it? | 0:08:14 | 0:08:16 | |
But that's not a way to resign if you're an MP. You know... | 0:08:16 | 0:08:19 | |
-I think that would be quite popular. -That would be a good way. | 0:08:19 | 0:08:22 | |
"I wish to leave politics, so now I will immerse myself in excrement." | 0:08:22 | 0:08:25 | |
-Yes. -Hooray! | 0:08:25 | 0:08:27 | |
-DEIRDRE: -But who would do this job? | 0:08:27 | 0:08:28 | |
I used to be a sewage diver. | 0:08:28 | 0:08:29 | |
It was just going through the motions. | 0:08:29 | 0:08:31 | |
AUDIENCE GROANS | 0:08:31 | 0:08:33 | |
Thanks, everybody. | 0:08:33 | 0:08:34 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:08:34 | 0:08:36 | |
Well, there are sewage farms and they have sort of moving parts, | 0:08:38 | 0:08:41 | |
and when things get stuck, they're fitted with air pipelines, | 0:08:41 | 0:08:44 | |
-they have to dive in and climb down to fix them. -Oh, God. | 0:08:44 | 0:08:46 | |
-They're fitted with air pipelines, I would hope so. -Yes, I know. | 0:08:46 | 0:08:49 | |
Just take a deep breath and go for it. | 0:08:50 | 0:08:52 | |
I would have thought the worst job is the person who has to | 0:08:54 | 0:08:57 | |
clean the suit when they get out. | 0:08:57 | 0:08:59 | |
I don't know. | 0:08:59 | 0:09:00 | |
I think I'd go, presented with that terrible career choice, | 0:09:02 | 0:09:07 | |
I think I'd go for cleaning the suit. | 0:09:07 | 0:09:09 | |
What about Queen's bagpiper, Richard, is that a real job? | 0:09:10 | 0:09:13 | |
Well, she's got everything, hasn't she, the Queen? | 0:09:13 | 0:09:15 | |
So yeah, gosh, I'd imagine so. | 0:09:15 | 0:09:17 | |
She is really keen on bagpipers, isn't she? | 0:09:17 | 0:09:19 | |
Well, she inherited it. | 0:09:19 | 0:09:20 | |
Queen Victoria was terribly keen, I mean, mad keen on them. | 0:09:20 | 0:09:23 | |
-Mad for the bagpipes. -Mad for the bagpipes. | 0:09:23 | 0:09:26 | |
There was no telly then, so, you know, fair enough. | 0:09:26 | 0:09:29 | |
I have to say, it was much easier in the days | 0:09:29 | 0:09:31 | |
-when all you had to be better than was a bagpiper. -Yeah. | 0:09:31 | 0:09:34 | |
Nine o'clock every morning he plays for 15 minutes | 0:09:34 | 0:09:36 | |
underneath her window. | 0:09:36 | 0:09:38 | |
Oh, no, he doesn't! | 0:09:38 | 0:09:39 | |
Well, he's been told it's her window. Who knows? | 0:09:39 | 0:09:43 | |
They play 15 minutes every day at Buckingham Palace, | 0:09:45 | 0:09:47 | |
Windsor Castle, Balmoral or Holyroodhouse. | 0:09:47 | 0:09:49 | |
They don't play at Sandringham. Anybody know why? | 0:09:49 | 0:09:52 | |
Because she needs a break. | 0:09:52 | 0:09:53 | |
-That's the Christmas one, isn't it, Sandringham? -Yeah. | 0:09:55 | 0:09:58 | |
Well, apparently it's because there isn't enough accommodation. | 0:09:58 | 0:10:01 | |
So... | 0:10:01 | 0:10:03 | |
-I'm so sorry, we just don't have the room for the bagpiper. -No. | 0:10:03 | 0:10:05 | |
One of the things they say... | 0:10:05 | 0:10:07 | |
It's kind of anti the Christmas story, isn't it? | 0:10:07 | 0:10:10 | |
Go in the stable. | 0:10:10 | 0:10:12 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:10:12 | 0:10:15 | |
No room for the bagpipers. | 0:10:15 | 0:10:17 | |
Apparently, and you'll be appalled by this, | 0:10:18 | 0:10:20 | |
at Christmas at Sandringham, | 0:10:20 | 0:10:22 | |
some of the royal family have to sleep in the servants' quarters. | 0:10:22 | 0:10:25 | |
I don't know where the servants go. | 0:10:26 | 0:10:29 | |
But presumably that involves them seducing a servant every evening. | 0:10:29 | 0:10:33 | |
I mean, that... | 0:10:35 | 0:10:36 | |
And when he's not bagpiping, he's a Page of Presence. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:39 | |
But I have no idea what that is. | 0:10:39 | 0:10:40 | |
A Page of PRESENTS is Santa's list, isn't it? | 0:10:40 | 0:10:43 | |
Oh. | 0:10:43 | 0:10:44 | |
I'm going to give you an extra point | 0:10:46 | 0:10:47 | |
because that's the cutest answer anybody's ever given. | 0:10:47 | 0:10:50 | |
What about the ornamental hermit, David? What do you reckon? | 0:10:51 | 0:10:55 | |
The sort of very rich man, aristocrat that built follies | 0:10:55 | 0:10:59 | |
might think a folly would be even more fun if it was permanently | 0:10:59 | 0:11:02 | |
inhabited by someone employed to sort of be there and be a hermit. | 0:11:02 | 0:11:05 | |
You're absolutely right. It was very fashionable in the 18th century. | 0:11:05 | 0:11:08 | |
They liked people to sort of dress up as Druids, | 0:11:08 | 0:11:10 | |
and they lived in caves. | 0:11:10 | 0:11:11 | |
If the land owner couldn't afford a hermit, | 0:11:11 | 0:11:13 | |
because, you know, they're pricey, they saved money by having | 0:11:13 | 0:11:16 | |
just the hermitage and telling everybody the hermit was out. | 0:11:16 | 0:11:19 | |
-Which, famously, hermits never are. -No. | 0:11:21 | 0:11:23 | |
Yeah, I'd have gone with, | 0:11:26 | 0:11:27 | |
"Don't bother the hermit, he's a bit of a loner." | 0:11:27 | 0:11:30 | |
That's more plausible, isn't it? | 0:11:32 | 0:11:33 | |
There are still several towns in Europe | 0:11:33 | 0:11:35 | |
that have professional hermits. | 0:11:35 | 0:11:36 | |
So early 2017, the Austrian town of Saalfelden advertised for one. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:41 | |
There's no salary, but you get your own house and chapel, | 0:11:41 | 0:11:44 | |
which is very nice. | 0:11:44 | 0:11:45 | |
There's no TV, no running water, no internet, | 0:11:45 | 0:11:47 | |
and you need to be sociable. | 0:11:47 | 0:11:49 | |
-You need to be sociable? -Yeah, because people turn up. | 0:11:49 | 0:11:52 | |
-You wouldn't expect that. -No. | 0:11:52 | 0:11:53 | |
If you'd finally made it as a professional hermit and then | 0:11:53 | 0:11:56 | |
they say, "Of course, the main thing is you've got to be sociable." | 0:11:56 | 0:11:59 | |
2008 survey, most common job title in the UK? | 0:12:00 | 0:12:03 | |
-Job title? -Yeah. -Party planner? | 0:12:03 | 0:12:05 | |
-No. -Balloon animal magician? | 0:12:06 | 0:12:09 | |
Oh, I want it to be that. | 0:12:09 | 0:12:10 | |
Is it just an office worker? | 0:12:10 | 0:12:12 | |
-It's manager. -Oh, right. | 0:12:12 | 0:12:15 | |
-That's a lot of managers. -It is. | 0:12:15 | 0:12:17 | |
Most of them have been England managers, as well. | 0:12:17 | 0:12:19 | |
-Is that a football joke? -Yeah. -OK. | 0:12:21 | 0:12:23 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:12:23 | 0:12:26 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:12:26 | 0:12:28 | |
Anyway, moving on. | 0:12:30 | 0:12:32 | |
Why shouldn't you give a teenage boy your phone? | 0:12:32 | 0:12:37 | |
Just plain hygiene. | 0:12:39 | 0:12:41 | |
Don't want to give a teenage boy anything, do you? | 0:12:44 | 0:12:47 | |
-DAVID: -I'm not happy with anyone having my phone. -Oh, why? | 0:12:47 | 0:12:50 | |
My phone broke a few weeks ago and it was like I'd lost a hand. | 0:12:50 | 0:12:54 | |
And in fact I gained one, because I could use two at once again. | 0:12:54 | 0:12:59 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:12:59 | 0:13:01 | |
But it was... | 0:13:01 | 0:13:02 | |
I was honestly, I felt genuinely bereft. | 0:13:02 | 0:13:06 | |
I think having something you can stare at, and by staring at it | 0:13:06 | 0:13:09 | |
you look like you're gainfully occupied, | 0:13:09 | 0:13:11 | |
and so people might leave you alone. | 0:13:11 | 0:13:13 | |
It's a way of being a hermit wherever you are. | 0:13:13 | 0:13:16 | |
Actually, we are going back to the 19th century. | 0:13:17 | 0:13:20 | |
It's the very first telephone systems. | 0:13:20 | 0:13:23 | |
Bell telephone, 1878. | 0:13:23 | 0:13:25 | |
If a call came in, | 0:13:25 | 0:13:26 | |
they actually had to put a plug into the hole that the call was | 0:13:26 | 0:13:29 | |
being received, and then run a wire to where the call wanted to go. | 0:13:29 | 0:13:32 | |
And when they first set up this system they hired messenger boys | 0:13:32 | 0:13:35 | |
because it was assumed that it was a physically demanding job | 0:13:35 | 0:13:38 | |
and the boys would be fantastic at it, they'd be really fit. | 0:13:38 | 0:13:41 | |
Instead, they drank beer and wrestled each other, | 0:13:41 | 0:13:45 | |
swore at the customers and connected strangers together as a prank. | 0:13:45 | 0:13:49 | |
-What if...? -Well, that's like the first social network. | 0:13:52 | 0:13:54 | |
Yes, it is, exactly. | 0:13:54 | 0:13:55 | |
I was going to say, what if this is what the internet is? | 0:13:55 | 0:13:58 | |
We think it's this whizzy thing, but it's actually just | 0:13:58 | 0:14:00 | |
a series of teenage boys in a little bunker, kind of connecting people. | 0:14:00 | 0:14:03 | |
I know, dressed like that. | 0:14:03 | 0:14:04 | |
It would explain a lot about the internet if it was. | 0:14:04 | 0:14:06 | |
And so the boys were very quickly replaced by women. | 0:14:08 | 0:14:11 | |
By the end of the 1880s, almost all phone operators were women, | 0:14:11 | 0:14:14 | |
and they could always remember who they were speaking to. | 0:14:14 | 0:14:16 | |
They had to say "number, please" about a thousand times a day. | 0:14:16 | 0:14:19 | |
They were polite and they managed to knit at the same time. | 0:14:19 | 0:14:23 | |
This is the original multi-tasking. | 0:14:23 | 0:14:25 | |
And yet the toilet was still a sink. | 0:14:25 | 0:14:27 | |
The phone banks, you can see how long they are in the picture, | 0:14:28 | 0:14:31 | |
that some of the women used to wear roller skates | 0:14:31 | 0:14:33 | |
in order to make their way up and down. | 0:14:33 | 0:14:35 | |
Fantastic picture. | 0:14:36 | 0:14:38 | |
Anyway, another O occupation now. | 0:14:38 | 0:14:41 | |
How would an Onion Johnny bring tears to your eyes? | 0:14:41 | 0:14:44 | |
Is he wearing one there? | 0:14:47 | 0:14:48 | |
No, it's not a thing. | 0:14:50 | 0:14:51 | |
-It's not a thing? -No. | 0:14:51 | 0:14:53 | |
So it's an emotion? | 0:14:53 | 0:14:54 | |
Oh, what is the emotion of Onion Johnny? | 0:14:54 | 0:14:56 | |
It's a sad emotion, obviously, it brings tears to your eyes. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:01 | |
Because it's making you cry. An ennui, maybe. | 0:15:01 | 0:15:03 | |
You are heading in the right direction. | 0:15:04 | 0:15:06 | |
OK, really? Blimey! | 0:15:06 | 0:15:08 | |
In that we've managed to get a cod French accent in. | 0:15:08 | 0:15:10 | |
-Oh, all right. -So it's French. | 0:15:10 | 0:15:13 | |
-French, heading towards France. -French, but it's not a thing. | 0:15:13 | 0:15:15 | |
It's a person. | 0:15:15 | 0:15:17 | |
Is it a person selling onions? | 0:15:17 | 0:15:18 | |
It's a person selling onions, absolutely right, Deirdre, | 0:15:18 | 0:15:22 | |
very well done. | 0:15:22 | 0:15:23 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:15:23 | 0:15:25 | |
So, they were French onion sellers who travelled door to door. | 0:15:25 | 0:15:27 | |
The 1920s and '30s, there were up to 1,500 of them | 0:15:27 | 0:15:30 | |
who travelled to the UK for several months of the year, | 0:15:30 | 0:15:32 | |
mostly on bicycles. | 0:15:32 | 0:15:34 | |
And they were called Johnnies because they were Jean, | 0:15:34 | 0:15:36 | |
many of them were called Jean, so they were Onion Johnnies. | 0:15:36 | 0:15:38 | |
And it's where we get the origin of the French stereotype, | 0:15:38 | 0:15:41 | |
the beret and the stripy jumper. | 0:15:41 | 0:15:43 | |
But in fact they were Breton, they were from Brittany. | 0:15:43 | 0:15:46 | |
So most French people are baffled by the fact that we think this is | 0:15:46 | 0:15:49 | |
what a Frenchman looks like, because most of the Johnnies didn't speak | 0:15:49 | 0:15:53 | |
French at all, they spoke Bretonese, which is a bit like Welsh. | 0:15:53 | 0:15:57 | |
2008 reported only 15 Onion Johnnies remaining. | 0:15:57 | 0:16:00 | |
Does anybody know the myth that | 0:16:00 | 0:16:01 | |
if you put half an onion in your sock, within half an hour | 0:16:01 | 0:16:04 | |
you'll be able to taste it, as the chemicals run through your body? | 0:16:04 | 0:16:07 | |
But why would you eat your sock? | 0:16:07 | 0:16:09 | |
No, you don't need to eat the sock. | 0:16:11 | 0:16:13 | |
You put the onion inside the sock to keep it in place. | 0:16:13 | 0:16:17 | |
And then the chemicals seep up through your body. | 0:16:17 | 0:16:19 | |
-Nonsense, I don't believe it. -It is nonsense. | 0:16:19 | 0:16:21 | |
One of the Elves tried this and it doesn't work, | 0:16:21 | 0:16:24 | |
and what worries me is that they tried it. | 0:16:24 | 0:16:26 | |
-They are very thorough researchers. -They do very thorough research. | 0:16:29 | 0:16:32 | |
I heard that if you fill your shoes with custard | 0:16:32 | 0:16:33 | |
you can taste it after half an hour, and that's a fact. | 0:16:33 | 0:16:36 | |
Don't say that, those squelching Elves. | 0:16:36 | 0:16:38 | |
If they're watching. | 0:16:38 | 0:16:40 | |
I've heard if you put beef stroganoff in your socks | 0:16:40 | 0:16:42 | |
you can taste it after six weeks, | 0:16:42 | 0:16:44 | |
so you've really got to stick at that one. | 0:16:44 | 0:16:47 | |
Sometimes they make you cry and sometimes they don't, don't they? | 0:16:47 | 0:16:50 | |
-Yes, and there are all sorts of... -And there's a reason for that. | 0:16:50 | 0:16:53 | |
I think it's the way in which you cut them. | 0:16:53 | 0:16:55 | |
Something to do with that, | 0:16:55 | 0:16:56 | |
and also whether your partner's just left you. | 0:16:56 | 0:16:59 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:59 | 0:17:02 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:17:04 | 0:17:06 | |
And there's no point in putting a spoon in your mouth then, is there? | 0:17:08 | 0:17:11 | |
-I do that. -Yeah? -Do you put a teaspoon in your mouth? | 0:17:11 | 0:17:13 | |
You're meant to put a spoon in your mouth. | 0:17:13 | 0:17:14 | |
When you're chopping onion, you put a spoon in your mouth | 0:17:14 | 0:17:17 | |
and you won't cry, but it doesn't work. | 0:17:17 | 0:17:18 | |
A teaspoon or a great big spoon, like a ladle? | 0:17:18 | 0:17:21 | |
No, like a... | 0:17:21 | 0:17:22 | |
-Let's say a dessert spoon. -Dessert spoon. | 0:17:23 | 0:17:26 | |
Soup spoon size. | 0:17:26 | 0:17:27 | |
And do you have it curvy bit up or down? | 0:17:27 | 0:17:30 | |
I'd have the curly bit up in the shape of the palate. | 0:17:30 | 0:17:32 | |
-DAVID: -But don't ask Deirdre, it doesn't work for her. -Yeah. | 0:17:32 | 0:17:35 | |
Have you ever played the spoon game? | 0:17:35 | 0:17:37 | |
What's the spoon game? | 0:17:37 | 0:17:39 | |
The spoon game is... | 0:17:39 | 0:17:40 | |
..you put a spoon in your mouth, a bit like that... | 0:17:41 | 0:17:44 | |
-Yeah. -All right. Put your head down, it won't hurt. | 0:17:44 | 0:17:46 | |
-Put my what? -Your head. | 0:17:46 | 0:17:48 | |
Head down, right. | 0:17:48 | 0:17:49 | |
And you go like that. | 0:17:49 | 0:17:50 | |
-Right? -Mm-hmm. | 0:17:53 | 0:17:54 | |
-Then... David, you can get up now. -Thank you. | 0:17:54 | 0:17:56 | |
Then David will put the spoon in his mouth and I'll put my head down. | 0:17:58 | 0:18:02 | |
-Yeah. -And then a third person behind me will hit me | 0:18:02 | 0:18:04 | |
with incredible force with another spoon. | 0:18:04 | 0:18:06 | |
-And it really, really hurts. -Yes. -So when you come up, you're enraged. | 0:18:08 | 0:18:12 | |
And then you put the spoon back in your mouth | 0:18:12 | 0:18:14 | |
and you really, really try as hard as you can. | 0:18:14 | 0:18:16 | |
And then they say "Right," and then the third person goes... | 0:18:16 | 0:18:19 | |
And it took me three goes before I thought, "Hang on a minute, | 0:18:19 | 0:18:23 | |
"you're not doing that with a spoon in your mouth!" | 0:18:23 | 0:18:26 | |
What worried me is how compliant David was. | 0:18:26 | 0:18:29 | |
You had no idea. | 0:18:29 | 0:18:30 | |
I was just trying to look fun. | 0:18:32 | 0:18:34 | |
-I've known you a long time, David, it's a new look. -Yeah. | 0:18:38 | 0:18:40 | |
Now for an out-of-office question. | 0:18:43 | 0:18:45 | |
How do you get everyone to leave the office party? | 0:18:45 | 0:18:49 | |
-A fire alarm? -Fire alarm's good. | 0:18:49 | 0:18:51 | |
-Sprinklers. -I'm going to give you a clue. | 0:18:51 | 0:18:53 | |
It's a particular office that we are going to be in, | 0:18:53 | 0:18:56 | |
it's going to be the Oval Office. | 0:18:56 | 0:18:57 | |
Tell them the President's on his way? | 0:18:58 | 0:19:00 | |
So, the President of the United States, | 0:19:03 | 0:19:05 | |
it was a tradition that he held an open house | 0:19:05 | 0:19:08 | |
to celebrate the inauguration. | 0:19:08 | 0:19:09 | |
And theoretically anybody could show up | 0:19:09 | 0:19:11 | |
and shake the President's hand and drink a bit of punch. | 0:19:11 | 0:19:13 | |
So, 1829, Andrew Jackson, he had a tradition of, | 0:19:13 | 0:19:16 | |
you know, having people over. | 0:19:16 | 0:19:18 | |
And it was the worst house party ever. | 0:19:18 | 0:19:20 | |
20,000 people showed up, massive crowds poured in. | 0:19:20 | 0:19:24 | |
They stood on the furniture, they ground food into the carpet, | 0:19:24 | 0:19:27 | |
they broke the crystal, | 0:19:27 | 0:19:28 | |
and apparently the carpet smelled of cheese for months. | 0:19:28 | 0:19:31 | |
So, how to get the guests out of the house? | 0:19:31 | 0:19:33 | |
So the house has got 20,000 people in it, | 0:19:33 | 0:19:35 | |
they're all making the place stink of cheese. | 0:19:35 | 0:19:38 | |
-What do you do? -Fire? -No. | 0:19:38 | 0:19:39 | |
-You want to lure them, be nice... -Ice cream van. | 0:19:39 | 0:19:42 | |
Ice cream van in 1829, I'm loving the idea. | 0:19:42 | 0:19:45 | |
I'm sorry, ice cream cart. | 0:19:47 | 0:19:49 | |
No, they set up huge barrels of whisky on the lawn. | 0:19:51 | 0:19:53 | |
-Oh! -"Free booze!" -Free booze. -"Free booze!" | 0:19:53 | 0:19:56 | |
At last, we've had so much cheese! | 0:19:56 | 0:19:58 | |
But he didn't learn, Jackson, | 0:20:00 | 0:20:02 | |
so 1837, he's done eight years in office, and he leaves office. | 0:20:02 | 0:20:05 | |
And he's been given as a gift this massive half-tonne | 0:20:05 | 0:20:09 | |
wheel of cheese by a farmer as a... | 0:20:09 | 0:20:12 | |
-Half a tonne? -A half a tonne wheel of cheese. | 0:20:12 | 0:20:13 | |
And he thought, "We'll have that as a party." | 0:20:13 | 0:20:16 | |
10,000 people turned up and ate this cheese in two hours. | 0:20:16 | 0:20:20 | |
And once again the White House stank of cheese, apparently. | 0:20:20 | 0:20:23 | |
Simpler times, when all you need for a great party is just | 0:20:23 | 0:20:27 | |
an unbelievable quantity of cheese. | 0:20:27 | 0:20:30 | |
-You don't even need biscuits. -No. | 0:20:30 | 0:20:32 | |
So, the truth is, | 0:20:32 | 0:20:33 | |
most people don't look forward to their office parties. | 0:20:33 | 0:20:35 | |
They did a survey of 700 office workers - | 0:20:35 | 0:20:37 | |
25% did look forward to it, | 0:20:37 | 0:20:39 | |
40% didn't care, | 0:20:39 | 0:20:40 | |
20% actively hated the prospect | 0:20:40 | 0:20:43 | |
and 15% couldn't be arsed to answer the question, I think. | 0:20:43 | 0:20:48 | |
I think you have to be quite socially confident to say | 0:20:48 | 0:20:50 | |
you're looking forward to your office party. | 0:20:50 | 0:20:53 | |
-It sounds a bit keen. -Yeah. | 0:20:53 | 0:20:55 | |
You're supposed to dread it or go, "Oh, it'll be fine." | 0:20:55 | 0:20:58 | |
So those 25% are either very socially confident or | 0:20:58 | 0:21:01 | |
-they've completely missed the mood of the times. -Yeah. | 0:21:01 | 0:21:04 | |
Quick question about the Oval Office. | 0:21:04 | 0:21:06 | |
Can you spot the fascist in the Oval Office? | 0:21:06 | 0:21:09 | |
It's a thing. This is an actual thing. | 0:21:11 | 0:21:13 | |
-A thing, a thing. -It's not a person. | 0:21:13 | 0:21:15 | |
It's the thing from which we get the word fascist, or fascism. | 0:21:15 | 0:21:18 | |
It's that bundle there that you could see over the door. | 0:21:18 | 0:21:21 | |
So what it is, it's a bundle of wooden rods, | 0:21:21 | 0:21:23 | |
it's often shown with an axe. | 0:21:23 | 0:21:24 | |
And when Mussolini came to power, he adopted it | 0:21:24 | 0:21:26 | |
as the symbol of fascism, so it's where we get the word from. | 0:21:26 | 0:21:29 | |
It's a big thing for the Americans, | 0:21:29 | 0:21:30 | |
there are two fasces on the Seal of the United States Senate, | 0:21:30 | 0:21:33 | |
and they also had them on their coins | 0:21:33 | 0:21:35 | |
throughout the Second World War. | 0:21:35 | 0:21:36 | |
The Washington monument is the tallest building in Washington DC. | 0:21:36 | 0:21:40 | |
No other building is allowed to be more than 12 storeys | 0:21:40 | 0:21:43 | |
-or something like that. -Yeah. | 0:21:43 | 0:21:45 | |
It was much disputed over, | 0:21:45 | 0:21:46 | |
because they couldn't decide who was going to pay for it. | 0:21:46 | 0:21:48 | |
So they built a bit of it and then it stopped, and by the time | 0:21:48 | 0:21:51 | |
they finished building it, they didn't have the same marble, | 0:21:51 | 0:21:53 | |
so you can see a line where the dispute kind of took place. | 0:21:53 | 0:21:56 | |
Once you get above a certain height you can just use breeze blocks. | 0:21:56 | 0:21:59 | |
No, I always spot that, always. | 0:22:01 | 0:22:03 | |
People always build their fences to like an inch lower | 0:22:04 | 0:22:07 | |
than my eyesight, and, honestly, they think they're | 0:22:07 | 0:22:09 | |
safe from everybody, but they're not safe from me. | 0:22:09 | 0:22:13 | |
The trampolines I've seen! | 0:22:13 | 0:22:14 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:22:14 | 0:22:17 | |
That's just a brilliant title for your autobiography. | 0:22:18 | 0:22:22 | |
But you know what? | 0:22:22 | 0:22:24 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:22:24 | 0:22:26 | |
We've got a wall that goes onto a public space, | 0:22:27 | 0:22:30 | |
and the limit that we're allowed to erect to is two metres, | 0:22:30 | 0:22:34 | |
which is a very close approximation of your height. | 0:22:34 | 0:22:37 | |
So the law about your wall height is specifically designed | 0:22:37 | 0:22:40 | |
to allow Richard to see in. | 0:22:40 | 0:22:43 | |
Or it's for us to see Richard should he approach. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:45 | |
Yeah. | 0:22:45 | 0:22:46 | |
Right, moving on. | 0:22:50 | 0:22:52 | |
Name the world's biggest troll. | 0:22:52 | 0:22:54 | |
Donald Trump. | 0:22:54 | 0:22:56 | |
SIREN BLARES | 0:22:56 | 0:22:58 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:22:59 | 0:23:01 | |
Any more for any more? | 0:23:05 | 0:23:06 | |
-Katie Hopkins. -Hey! | 0:23:06 | 0:23:07 | |
SIREN BLARES | 0:23:07 | 0:23:10 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:23:10 | 0:23:12 | |
Donald Twitter? | 0:23:13 | 0:23:15 | |
Oh, no, that doesn't make sense! | 0:23:15 | 0:23:17 | |
-Piers Morgan. -Piers Morgan. | 0:23:20 | 0:23:22 | |
SIREN BLARES | 0:23:22 | 0:23:24 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:23:24 | 0:23:26 | |
No, we've gone offshore, so it's not a Twitter thing, | 0:23:27 | 0:23:29 | |
it's an offshore thing. | 0:23:29 | 0:23:31 | |
Do trolls live under oil rigs now? Who's that clip-clopping over...? | 0:23:31 | 0:23:34 | |
"Boom!" | 0:23:34 | 0:23:36 | |
-It's Troll A. -Oh, that. | 0:23:37 | 0:23:39 | |
It's a gas platform in the North Sea's Troll gas field. | 0:23:39 | 0:23:42 | |
It's the tallest and heaviest structure ever moved by mankind. | 0:23:42 | 0:23:47 | |
It weighs over a million tonnes | 0:23:47 | 0:23:49 | |
-and it is taller than the Empire State Building. So... -Is it? | 0:23:49 | 0:23:52 | |
Normally, this is before it's been taken out... | 0:23:52 | 0:23:54 | |
-Shut the front door! -I know! | 0:23:54 | 0:23:55 | |
Taller than the Empire State Building? | 0:23:55 | 0:23:57 | |
This is before it's been taken out to sea, so when it is out | 0:23:57 | 0:24:00 | |
at sea you can't actually see the central structures there. | 0:24:00 | 0:24:03 | |
And it takes nine minutes to take the lift | 0:24:03 | 0:24:05 | |
down the leg of the structure. | 0:24:05 | 0:24:07 | |
Whereupon you drown. | 0:24:07 | 0:24:09 | |
The singer Katie Melua received a Guinness World Record for | 0:24:09 | 0:24:12 | |
the Deepest Concert Ever Given | 0:24:12 | 0:24:15 | |
when she played 303 metres below sea level in the leg. | 0:24:15 | 0:24:19 | |
So they have a performance space at the bottom of the troll leg thing? | 0:24:19 | 0:24:24 | |
Yes, but I don't... | 0:24:24 | 0:24:25 | |
I think that shouldn't have got funding. | 0:24:25 | 0:24:27 | |
There's too much money in gas, isn't there? | 0:24:28 | 0:24:30 | |
Well, I think it's strictly speaking called the dining room, | 0:24:30 | 0:24:33 | |
it's not like a club. | 0:24:33 | 0:24:34 | |
And you couldn't have a board outside saying what's on, | 0:24:35 | 0:24:38 | |
because it would get washed off every now and again. | 0:24:38 | 0:24:41 | |
Would you not get the bends? | 0:24:41 | 0:24:43 | |
-It'll be pressurized in there. -Yeah. | 0:24:43 | 0:24:45 | |
It's not only is it a sub-aqua performance space, | 0:24:45 | 0:24:48 | |
-it has to be pressurized! -Yeah. | 0:24:48 | 0:24:49 | |
You can see why the boat remains the more cost-efficient way | 0:24:49 | 0:24:54 | |
-of having something on the surface of the sea. -Yeah. | 0:24:54 | 0:24:56 | |
Rather than it being on a huge concrete leg | 0:24:56 | 0:24:59 | |
with a concert hall in it. | 0:24:59 | 0:25:00 | |
And when all that's done, is there a tiny little gas tap at the top, | 0:25:03 | 0:25:06 | |
like you have for a Bunsen burner? | 0:25:06 | 0:25:08 | |
You've got your million tonne structure, and then you go, | 0:25:08 | 0:25:10 | |
"psssht." | 0:25:10 | 0:25:11 | |
Yeah, they use it to light their cigarettes. | 0:25:13 | 0:25:15 | |
When we went for a cigarette at lunch time at school, | 0:25:17 | 0:25:19 | |
we went and stood round the back of the Shell garage, I shit you not! | 0:25:19 | 0:25:22 | |
That was where we went for a cigarette! | 0:25:24 | 0:25:27 | |
"Going up the garage?" "Going up the garage." | 0:25:27 | 0:25:29 | |
And we'd go round and smoke on the forecourt. | 0:25:29 | 0:25:32 | |
Safety first, I love it. | 0:25:32 | 0:25:34 | |
Now, for a double-O occupation, | 0:25:34 | 0:25:36 | |
can you name the longest-lasting Soviet spy to work in the UK? | 0:25:36 | 0:25:41 | |
-Oh, yes. -Yes? | 0:25:41 | 0:25:42 | |
My friend Steve. | 0:25:42 | 0:25:44 | |
-I shouldn't say that, actually. -Sssh. | 0:25:44 | 0:25:46 | |
But it is him. | 0:25:46 | 0:25:48 | |
It was a secretary called Melita Norwood, and she had | 0:25:48 | 0:25:51 | |
a job in a metals firm in London that was heavily involved... | 0:25:51 | 0:25:55 | |
You just have to look at her! | 0:25:55 | 0:25:56 | |
I know, you can tell straight away. | 0:25:56 | 0:25:59 | |
To be fair to her, she spent a while in Slade as well. | 0:25:59 | 0:26:03 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:03 | 0:26:06 | |
Doesn't she look a bit like Richard, though? | 0:26:07 | 0:26:10 | |
Sssh. | 0:26:10 | 0:26:11 | |
Like a little Richard. | 0:26:11 | 0:26:13 | |
You know what her main tactic was? Peering over people's walls. | 0:26:13 | 0:26:17 | |
Fantastically tall. | 0:26:17 | 0:26:18 | |
I get that Vladimir Putin onto me all the time, | 0:26:20 | 0:26:23 | |
"Tell me about the trampolines, tell me." | 0:26:23 | 0:26:25 | |
"Who is on ze trampoliiiine?" | 0:26:25 | 0:26:27 | |
I don't know why I did that voice. | 0:26:27 | 0:26:28 | |
"Does Alan Davies have a Wendy house?" | 0:26:28 | 0:26:30 | |
It just shows you, it's worth another layer of bricks, | 0:26:32 | 0:26:35 | |
-isn't it, when you're building a wall around MI6? -Yep. | 0:26:35 | 0:26:38 | |
How tall can someone be? Six foot two maximum! | 0:26:38 | 0:26:42 | |
She worked in a metals firm that was heavily involved in | 0:26:42 | 0:26:45 | |
Britain's atomic project, and every night she used to open her boss's | 0:26:45 | 0:26:48 | |
safe and she used to photograph the contents, and thanks to her | 0:26:48 | 0:26:51 | |
the Soviet Union were able to test their nuclear weapons much sooner. | 0:26:51 | 0:26:54 | |
And she was discovered as a spy in 1999, when she was 87 years old. | 0:26:54 | 0:27:00 | |
And the authorities decided there was no point in prosecuting her, | 0:27:00 | 0:27:04 | |
and she was of course nicknamed The Bolshevik of Bexleyheath. | 0:27:04 | 0:27:07 | |
Which is a hideous error, because obviously Bolshevik is a male word. | 0:27:08 | 0:27:12 | |
-Oh, Bolshikava. -Should have been Bolshevichka. | 0:27:12 | 0:27:15 | |
-Also, she lived in Stafford, and so... -Yeah. | 0:27:15 | 0:27:18 | |
One of the least effective spies, Britain's Michael Bettaney, | 0:27:18 | 0:27:21 | |
hired by MI5 in 1982. | 0:27:21 | 0:27:23 | |
He once tried to dodge a ticket on a train while drunk, | 0:27:23 | 0:27:26 | |
and when a guard chased him he shouted, | 0:27:26 | 0:27:28 | |
"You can't arrest me, I'm a spy." | 0:27:28 | 0:27:30 | |
It's so easy to over-estimate the efficacy of the double bluff, | 0:27:33 | 0:27:36 | |
-isn't it? -I know, yes. | 0:27:36 | 0:27:37 | |
He later tried to get in touch with the KGB to sell them | 0:27:37 | 0:27:39 | |
some documents, and the KGB thought they were being set-up | 0:27:39 | 0:27:42 | |
and they informed MI5 of his treachery. | 0:27:42 | 0:27:44 | |
So he was just rubbish. | 0:27:44 | 0:27:46 | |
Look, that is the worst bunny rabbit you've ever seen. | 0:27:46 | 0:27:50 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:27:50 | 0:27:52 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:27:53 | 0:27:55 | |
Probably the worst spying operation happened in 1940, | 0:27:58 | 0:28:00 | |
and this is one of my favourites - a dozen German spies | 0:28:00 | 0:28:03 | |
landed in Britain and they were all caught almost immediately. | 0:28:03 | 0:28:07 | |
One walked into a pub | 0:28:07 | 0:28:08 | |
and asked for a pint of cider soon after nine o'clock in the morning, | 0:28:08 | 0:28:11 | |
and they weren't allowed to serve alcohol before lunch. | 0:28:11 | 0:28:14 | |
-GERMAN ACCENT: -Half a litre of cider. -Straight away, please. | 0:28:14 | 0:28:17 | |
Another couple were stopped while cycling through Scotland | 0:28:17 | 0:28:19 | |
on the wrong side of the road, and when they looked in their bags, | 0:28:19 | 0:28:22 | |
they were found to contain German sausages and Nivea hand cream. | 0:28:22 | 0:28:26 | |
-And I... -What a combination that is! -I know! | 0:28:26 | 0:28:28 | |
Oh! | 0:28:30 | 0:28:31 | |
-Whoa! -LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:28:32 | 0:28:36 | |
-GERMAN ACCENT: -It's nine o'clock in the morning, Rolf! | 0:28:36 | 0:28:40 | |
I've had a cider, Hans. | 0:28:40 | 0:28:41 | |
I thought it was because no British soldier would have hand cream, | 0:28:44 | 0:28:47 | |
but it turns out Nivea is German, I didn't know that. | 0:28:47 | 0:28:49 | |
-Is it? -It's German. -Oh. | 0:28:49 | 0:28:51 | |
One of them spoke no English at all, but the one who spoke English | 0:28:51 | 0:28:54 | |
the best said his mission was to find out, | 0:28:54 | 0:28:56 | |
"How the people is living, | 0:28:56 | 0:28:58 | |
"how many soldiers there are and all the things." | 0:28:58 | 0:29:00 | |
It really is, "'Allo 'Allo!" was a documentary, basically, wasn't it? | 0:29:03 | 0:29:07 | |
There are some people who think they were deliberately | 0:29:07 | 0:29:09 | |
sent by senior German officers to sabotage the plot | 0:29:09 | 0:29:11 | |
because they didn't want to invade Britain, but... | 0:29:11 | 0:29:13 | |
That's the Germans for you. | 0:29:13 | 0:29:15 | |
At the time. | 0:29:16 | 0:29:17 | |
A lot of them have mended their ways since. | 0:29:19 | 0:29:21 | |
Ooh! | 0:29:21 | 0:29:23 | |
-No, a lot of them have. -It's a wonderful country. | 0:29:23 | 0:29:25 | |
For our friends in Berlin, Richard's address is... | 0:29:25 | 0:29:27 | |
He's just bitter because they have really, really high fences. | 0:29:28 | 0:29:31 | |
But I tell you, that Berlin wall! Oh. | 0:29:34 | 0:29:36 | |
Now, what is this man about to post? | 0:29:39 | 0:29:41 | |
A letter. | 0:29:42 | 0:29:44 | |
SIREN BLARES | 0:29:44 | 0:29:46 | |
-Took a bullet there, everyone. -Yeah. | 0:29:47 | 0:29:49 | |
Is he about to post a Movember selfie on Facebook? | 0:29:49 | 0:29:52 | |
No, it is a most extraordinary thing, he's about to post himself. | 0:29:54 | 0:29:58 | |
-Is he? -Yeah. His name is Willie Reginald Bray. | 0:29:58 | 0:30:00 | |
He was also known as The Human Letter. | 0:30:00 | 0:30:02 | |
He was an eccentric gentleman who spent his entire life pushing | 0:30:02 | 0:30:05 | |
the British Post Office to their absolute limits. | 0:30:05 | 0:30:08 | |
And he started by sending unwrapped stamped objects to himself | 0:30:08 | 0:30:11 | |
to see how that would go. | 0:30:11 | 0:30:12 | |
So he sent a shirt collar and a half-smoked cigar. | 0:30:12 | 0:30:15 | |
That's him actually posting onions on the right there. | 0:30:15 | 0:30:18 | |
He sent a turnip with the address carved into it, | 0:30:18 | 0:30:21 | |
a rabbit skull with the address written along the nose bone, | 0:30:21 | 0:30:24 | |
with the stamps glued onto the back, | 0:30:24 | 0:30:26 | |
and almost all of it got through without any trouble at all. | 0:30:26 | 0:30:29 | |
So he began to experiment. | 0:30:29 | 0:30:30 | |
He wrote to "any resident of London", there it is. | 0:30:30 | 0:30:34 | |
Any resident of London. | 0:30:34 | 0:30:35 | |
Sadly, that was rejected, "insufficiently addressed". | 0:30:35 | 0:30:38 | |
But he did get his mother to crochet the address and that was accepted. | 0:30:38 | 0:30:42 | |
And he also wrote the address in mirror writing | 0:30:42 | 0:30:44 | |
and that was also accepted. | 0:30:44 | 0:30:47 | |
And then he discovered, in the Post Office guidelines, | 0:30:47 | 0:30:49 | |
that you could send a live animal as small as a bee, | 0:30:49 | 0:30:51 | |
if you wanted to, through the post. | 0:30:51 | 0:30:53 | |
So he couldn't get a bee, he settled on his dog. | 0:30:53 | 0:30:56 | |
And then finally he sent himself through the post. | 0:30:56 | 0:30:58 | |
He shipped himself to his father, | 0:30:58 | 0:31:01 | |
and there's his rather irritated father receiving him. | 0:31:01 | 0:31:04 | |
Then he decided to build the world's largest collection of autographs. | 0:31:08 | 0:31:11 | |
He wrote to the Reichstag in Germany so many times. | 0:31:11 | 0:31:15 | |
There's a letter back from Adolf Hitler's office, | 0:31:15 | 0:31:17 | |
"Please can you stop sending letters? The Fuhrer's quite busy." | 0:31:17 | 0:31:21 | |
-What if that finally pushed Hitler over the edge? -Yeah. | 0:31:22 | 0:31:25 | |
As I say, a lot of them these days, very different, | 0:31:25 | 0:31:27 | |
-a very different country. -Yeah. | 0:31:27 | 0:31:29 | |
Just keep digging that hole there, Richard, it's ... | 0:31:32 | 0:31:35 | |
It's not a hole, it's a trench. | 0:31:35 | 0:31:36 | |
AUDIENCE GROANS | 0:31:36 | 0:31:38 | |
I'm just saying keep an eye on them, that's all I'm saying. | 0:31:40 | 0:31:43 | |
Right, moving on. | 0:31:43 | 0:31:44 | |
Now it's time for Alan's occupational hazard, | 0:31:45 | 0:31:47 | |
the round that we all call General Ignorance. | 0:31:47 | 0:31:49 | |
Fingers on buzzers, please. | 0:31:49 | 0:31:51 | |
Who do you go and see to get your eyes tested? | 0:31:51 | 0:31:54 | |
WATER GURGLES David? | 0:31:54 | 0:31:55 | |
-Optician. -Oh! SIREN BLARES | 0:31:55 | 0:31:58 | |
-No. Why not? BUZZER: -Alan Davies. | 0:32:00 | 0:32:03 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:32:03 | 0:32:05 | |
Optometrist. | 0:32:08 | 0:32:10 | |
Yes. So the optician dispenses the glasses | 0:32:10 | 0:32:14 | |
and the optometrist is the person who actually tests your eyes. | 0:32:14 | 0:32:17 | |
You can be trained as both, so you might have an optician | 0:32:17 | 0:32:20 | |
who is also an optometrist, that is possible. | 0:32:20 | 0:32:22 | |
An optician who is also an optometrist, | 0:32:22 | 0:32:24 | |
that's a TV show I'd like to watch. | 0:32:24 | 0:32:26 | |
Crazy maverick optician who does optometry as a sideline. | 0:32:26 | 0:32:29 | |
There is an optician where I live, and it's called Maverick and Wolf. | 0:32:31 | 0:32:35 | |
Wow. | 0:32:35 | 0:32:36 | |
An optician. I don't think that's their real names. | 0:32:36 | 0:32:39 | |
-I think it is their real name. -Oh, do you think? -Yeah. | 0:32:39 | 0:32:41 | |
Because it's an odd thing to invent, isn't it? | 0:32:41 | 0:32:44 | |
Why would you want to buy glasses from people so oddly named? | 0:32:44 | 0:32:48 | |
Branding, David, do you understand the concept of branding? | 0:32:48 | 0:32:51 | |
Mitchell and Webb was a disastrous name. | 0:32:51 | 0:32:54 | |
-Mitchell and Webb is a good name for an optometrists. -Yeah. | 0:32:56 | 0:32:58 | |
That works much better. | 0:32:58 | 0:32:59 | |
Actually, it does sound like an optician's. | 0:32:59 | 0:33:02 | |
-Maybe one of each. -Oh, yes, I like that. | 0:33:02 | 0:33:04 | |
And they can't get on. | 0:33:04 | 0:33:06 | |
Why might poor eyesight make a good impression? | 0:33:06 | 0:33:11 | |
Do you seem aloof and therefore people respect you? | 0:33:11 | 0:33:14 | |
When you can't see them, you don't rear back at their hideousness. | 0:33:15 | 0:33:19 | |
-Or try and jump them because of their beauty. -Yeah. | 0:33:22 | 0:33:25 | |
So either way, your response is muted. | 0:33:25 | 0:33:27 | |
-Muted. -It's not that. | 0:33:27 | 0:33:28 | |
I have very bad eyesight, even with glasses, | 0:33:28 | 0:33:30 | |
so I can see virtually nothing. | 0:33:30 | 0:33:31 | |
But it does mean, you know in all the Hollywood movies | 0:33:31 | 0:33:33 | |
when they used to sort of...? Yeah, I see that. | 0:33:33 | 0:33:35 | |
Can I say, thank you very much. | 0:33:37 | 0:33:39 | |
So, everyone looks like they're shot through a filter. | 0:33:40 | 0:33:42 | |
OK, so it is about that, it's to do with impressions. | 0:33:42 | 0:33:45 | |
-Oh. -Oh, oh, is it because Monet and Manet had bad eyesight | 0:33:45 | 0:33:47 | |
and that's why they painted in the way they did? | 0:33:47 | 0:33:49 | |
Absolutely, many of the impressionists | 0:33:49 | 0:33:51 | |
suffered from very poor eyesight. | 0:33:51 | 0:33:53 | |
That explains a lot. | 0:33:53 | 0:33:54 | |
Yeah, I'm very short-sighted. Without glasses or contact lenses, | 0:33:54 | 0:33:57 | |
-things look a bit like an impressionist painting. -Right. | 0:33:57 | 0:33:59 | |
I was in a hotel in New York recently, | 0:33:59 | 0:34:01 | |
and I was walking down a long corridor. | 0:34:01 | 0:34:03 | |
At the end of the corridor I saw this painting which I thought, | 0:34:03 | 0:34:05 | |
"That is beautiful." | 0:34:05 | 0:34:06 | |
It was abstract, it was red and white and all kinds of stuff. | 0:34:06 | 0:34:09 | |
And I thought, "When I get to the end of the corridor, | 0:34:09 | 0:34:11 | |
"I'm going to see what that is." | 0:34:11 | 0:34:12 | |
And it was a fire hose. | 0:34:12 | 0:34:14 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:34:14 | 0:34:16 | |
It was beautiful. | 0:34:16 | 0:34:18 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:34:21 | 0:34:23 | |
That would be a thoroughly irresponsible painting | 0:34:23 | 0:34:25 | |
-to hang in a hotel corridor. -It would be. | 0:34:25 | 0:34:28 | |
Well, Monet's unusual colours may be down to his cataracts. | 0:34:28 | 0:34:30 | |
And he's not the only one. | 0:34:30 | 0:34:32 | |
Degas probably had maculopathy, so it's a retinal disease, | 0:34:32 | 0:34:35 | |
it affects your central vision. | 0:34:35 | 0:34:36 | |
And that explains the increasing blurriness in his paintings. | 0:34:36 | 0:34:40 | |
And it is thought that Van Gogh suffered from lead poisoning, | 0:34:40 | 0:34:43 | |
and that can make your retinas swell, and you start to see | 0:34:43 | 0:34:45 | |
light in circles, so very like the Starry Night. | 0:34:45 | 0:34:48 | |
And Van Gogh also treated, of course, | 0:34:48 | 0:34:50 | |
with digitalis for his epilepsy, | 0:34:50 | 0:34:51 | |
and that drug can cause you to see in yellow or yellow-green, | 0:34:51 | 0:34:54 | |
and that could explain his increasing use | 0:34:54 | 0:34:56 | |
of yellow in later works. | 0:34:56 | 0:34:58 | |
Anyway, if you let an optician test your eyes | 0:34:58 | 0:35:00 | |
then you need your head examined. | 0:35:00 | 0:35:02 | |
If your surname is Farmer, what did your ancestors do for a living? | 0:35:02 | 0:35:07 | |
Pharmacists. | 0:35:09 | 0:35:11 | |
-Good, very good! Excellent. -Pharmacists is very good. Very good. | 0:35:11 | 0:35:14 | |
Pharmacists, no. What did they do for a living? | 0:35:14 | 0:35:16 | |
I like that they call the drugs industry big pharma, don't they? | 0:35:16 | 0:35:18 | |
Which always makes me laugh, | 0:35:18 | 0:35:19 | |
because I always think of a big farmer. | 0:35:19 | 0:35:22 | |
-It's not that. -No. | 0:35:22 | 0:35:23 | |
In the Middle Ages, a fermier was a tax collector. | 0:35:23 | 0:35:26 | |
So early fermiers collected taxes for the Crown, | 0:35:26 | 0:35:30 | |
and they would pick applicants to work on tenanted lands in time. | 0:35:30 | 0:35:34 | |
They made money out of this, they began to buy land, | 0:35:34 | 0:35:36 | |
they began to grow crops on it, | 0:35:36 | 0:35:38 | |
and eventually they became what we know as farmers. | 0:35:38 | 0:35:41 | |
The very first-ever farmer, in our sense of the word, | 0:35:41 | 0:35:43 | |
was a man called William Le Fermer, recorded in 1238. | 0:35:43 | 0:35:47 | |
So farmers are actually tax collectors. | 0:35:47 | 0:35:50 | |
Well, let's have a look at some other occupational surnames. | 0:35:50 | 0:35:53 | |
Anybody know any of these? Osman. | 0:35:53 | 0:35:55 | |
-Oh, that's a good one. -Yes? | 0:35:55 | 0:35:57 | |
If you go back a couple of generations, | 0:35:57 | 0:35:58 | |
we were all charcoal burners in the New Forest. | 0:35:58 | 0:36:01 | |
OK, but it's anybody who worked with bones, | 0:36:01 | 0:36:02 | |
so it could be a rag and bone man. | 0:36:02 | 0:36:04 | |
Oh, that's fun. | 0:36:04 | 0:36:05 | |
Yeah, so it was an Osman. | 0:36:05 | 0:36:07 | |
Knatchbull? | 0:36:07 | 0:36:08 | |
It's somebody who hits bulls on the head to stun them | 0:36:08 | 0:36:10 | |
-before they get slaughtered. -With a spoon. | 0:36:10 | 0:36:12 | |
And they do it with a huge spoon, yeah. | 0:36:12 | 0:36:13 | |
Yeah, a massive spoon. | 0:36:13 | 0:36:15 | |
What about a Warner? | 0:36:19 | 0:36:20 | |
Is that a sort of health and safety inspector? | 0:36:20 | 0:36:23 | |
Is it someone who makes yellow cards? | 0:36:26 | 0:36:29 | |
-No. -That's a football joke. -A football joke, OK. | 0:36:29 | 0:36:32 | |
Hang on two seconds - ha-ha-ha! | 0:36:33 | 0:36:35 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:36:35 | 0:36:37 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:36:37 | 0:36:39 | |
It's somebody who looks after royal rabbit warrens. | 0:36:41 | 0:36:45 | |
What about a Dickman, what do you reckon? | 0:36:45 | 0:36:47 | |
It's somebody who digs ditches, a Dickman. | 0:36:47 | 0:36:50 | |
And a Kellogg? | 0:36:50 | 0:36:52 | |
CEREAL killer? | 0:36:52 | 0:36:54 | |
Yes, yes. | 0:36:54 | 0:36:57 | |
It is, it's a killer of hogs, it's a butcher. | 0:36:57 | 0:36:59 | |
Is an Arkwright someone who makes an enormous boat? | 0:36:59 | 0:37:02 | |
An Arkwright is a person who makes arks, so chests. | 0:37:02 | 0:37:06 | |
So Noah's Ark, it was just an inverted chest. | 0:37:06 | 0:37:08 | |
Massive chest, yeah. | 0:37:08 | 0:37:10 | |
If your surname is Farmer, your ancestors were tax collectors. | 0:37:10 | 0:37:14 | |
Name the greatest Wimbledon champion of all time. | 0:37:14 | 0:37:17 | |
Andy Murray. | 0:37:19 | 0:37:20 | |
SIREN BLARES | 0:37:20 | 0:37:21 | |
WHISTLE TOOTS | 0:37:23 | 0:37:24 | |
I think I would have said Sampras. Sorry. | 0:37:24 | 0:37:26 | |
Sampras? SIREN BLARES | 0:37:26 | 0:37:28 | |
Great Uncle Bulgaria. | 0:37:28 | 0:37:30 | |
-Is it...? -WATER GURGLES | 0:37:32 | 0:37:34 | |
Is it a croquet player? | 0:37:34 | 0:37:36 | |
Yes! It is a croquet player. | 0:37:36 | 0:37:38 | |
Absolutely right. | 0:37:38 | 0:37:40 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:37:40 | 0:37:42 | |
Professor Bernard Neal is the greatest Wimbledon champion | 0:37:44 | 0:37:47 | |
of all time, he won the croquet championships 38 times. | 0:37:47 | 0:37:50 | |
So if you think about it, Navratilova won Wimbledon singles | 0:37:50 | 0:37:53 | |
nine times, he won 38 times. | 0:37:53 | 0:37:56 | |
He only took the sport up at the age of 40. | 0:37:56 | 0:37:58 | |
Between 1963 and 2002, he won 37 titles out of a possible 40. | 0:37:58 | 0:38:04 | |
Smacks of a drug cheat, that. | 0:38:04 | 0:38:05 | |
What do you have to press on the red button to get | 0:38:07 | 0:38:10 | |
coverage of the croquet? | 0:38:10 | 0:38:11 | |
I've got a bit of croquet here. | 0:38:12 | 0:38:13 | |
-So... -Oh! | 0:38:13 | 0:38:16 | |
Alan, what colour do you want to be? | 0:38:16 | 0:38:18 | |
Do you want to be red or blue or...? | 0:38:18 | 0:38:20 | |
-Black. -Black, here we go. | 0:38:20 | 0:38:22 | |
Can I be the iron? | 0:38:22 | 0:38:23 | |
Which way are you going to go? Are you going to go right...? | 0:38:25 | 0:38:28 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:38:29 | 0:38:32 | |
I don't know why that's pleased me so much. | 0:38:36 | 0:38:38 | |
It went miles, it went miles, viewer! | 0:38:40 | 0:38:42 | |
That'll be under someone's feet. | 0:38:42 | 0:38:44 | |
Croquet, it was an Olympic sport. | 0:38:44 | 0:38:46 | |
And it should be still. | 0:38:46 | 0:38:47 | |
It was dropped after 1900 | 0:38:47 | 0:38:49 | |
because only one person turned up to watch, so... | 0:38:49 | 0:38:51 | |
But the reason it's interesting is because the very first women to | 0:38:52 | 0:38:56 | |
take part in the Olympics took part as part of the French croquet team. | 0:38:56 | 0:38:59 | |
So there were seven men and three women. | 0:38:59 | 0:39:01 | |
And it was thought to be rather racy | 0:39:01 | 0:39:02 | |
because it was a game where men and women played on equal footing. | 0:39:02 | 0:39:05 | |
There's a wonderful quote from the American Christian Review, | 0:39:05 | 0:39:08 | |
in 1878, said, "Croquet would lead to moral decline in American women, | 0:39:08 | 0:39:13 | |
"and consequences would include absence from church, | 0:39:13 | 0:39:17 | |
"immoral conduct and eventually ruin." | 0:39:17 | 0:39:20 | |
-True, though. -That's a very pessimistic view, isn't it, really? | 0:39:23 | 0:39:26 | |
I love that. Anybody know the connection between | 0:39:26 | 0:39:29 | |
croquet and Pall Mall, the great street in London? | 0:39:29 | 0:39:32 | |
They played croquet upon it? | 0:39:32 | 0:39:34 | |
Yes, they did. It is in fact where croquet comes from. | 0:39:34 | 0:39:37 | |
An Italian game, 17th century game called Palle-Malle. | 0:39:37 | 0:39:40 | |
And both Pall Mall and the Mall were designed | 0:39:40 | 0:39:42 | |
specifically to play this game. | 0:39:42 | 0:39:44 | |
They whacked the ball up the course | 0:39:44 | 0:39:46 | |
and then they had to shoot a ball through a suspended | 0:39:46 | 0:39:48 | |
hoop at the end, and that's where we begin to get croquet from. | 0:39:48 | 0:39:50 | |
-That's much more like Quidditch. -It is, yes. | 0:39:50 | 0:39:53 | |
There are people who play actual Quidditch near where I live. | 0:39:53 | 0:39:57 | |
They run around with broomsticks between their legs. | 0:39:57 | 0:40:00 | |
None of them can fly. | 0:40:00 | 0:40:02 | |
That is what leads inevitably to ruin. | 0:40:03 | 0:40:06 | |
-To ruin. -Yes. | 0:40:06 | 0:40:08 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:40:08 | 0:40:10 | |
So, the name comes from the Italian pallamaglio. | 0:40:14 | 0:40:17 | |
Palla - ball and maglio - mallet. | 0:40:17 | 0:40:19 | |
And it's where we get mall from, shopping mall, | 0:40:19 | 0:40:21 | |
we get it from the Mall and all those wonderful games. | 0:40:21 | 0:40:24 | |
Can I have my things back, please? | 0:40:24 | 0:40:26 | |
I've lost the black, I'm sorry, it's gone. | 0:40:26 | 0:40:29 | |
Now, which oath do doctors swear before entering practice? | 0:40:29 | 0:40:33 | |
-Hippocratic? -Yay! | 0:40:33 | 0:40:35 | |
SIREN BLARES | 0:40:35 | 0:40:38 | |
They don't. It turns out they don't. | 0:40:38 | 0:40:39 | |
-They don't. -Yeah, I knew that they didn't. | 0:40:39 | 0:40:41 | |
You knew that? | 0:40:41 | 0:40:42 | |
-A doctor friend of mine said, "Oh, no, we don't." -No. | 0:40:42 | 0:40:44 | |
I was very disappointed. | 0:40:44 | 0:40:46 | |
Yeah, "We do what we like." | 0:40:46 | 0:40:47 | |
Fingers crossed all the way. | 0:40:48 | 0:40:50 | |
"We do what we fancy, we know all the stuff | 0:40:50 | 0:40:52 | |
"and then we do what we like." | 0:40:52 | 0:40:53 | |
They do take sometimes an oath called | 0:40:55 | 0:40:56 | |
the General Medical Council's Guidance on Good Practice, | 0:40:56 | 0:40:59 | |
but the Hippocratic Oath that we talk about, they don't. | 0:40:59 | 0:41:02 | |
Although it's got some great stuff in it, the Hippocratic Oath. | 0:41:02 | 0:41:04 | |
Don't have sex with patients, that kind of thing, you know. | 0:41:04 | 0:41:07 | |
I think that's quite good. | 0:41:07 | 0:41:08 | |
Don't remove the kidney or bladder stones, | 0:41:08 | 0:41:10 | |
that's part of the Hippocratic Oath. | 0:41:10 | 0:41:12 | |
-I didn't know the Hippocratic Oath was this specific. -Yeah! | 0:41:12 | 0:41:15 | |
I thought it was like general, airy-fairy, try and do good. | 0:41:15 | 0:41:18 | |
-No, no, no, no. -"Airy-fairy, try and do good?" | 0:41:18 | 0:41:21 | |
Yeah. If a patient is ill, try and make him better, or her better. | 0:41:21 | 0:41:24 | |
The bit you are thinking of is "first do no harm". | 0:41:24 | 0:41:27 | |
It actually comes from another part of Hippocrates' work. | 0:41:27 | 0:41:30 | |
But in fact we don't even think he wrote the oath. | 0:41:30 | 0:41:32 | |
It appears about a century after he popped his own clogs, | 0:41:32 | 0:41:35 | |
so it's probably one of his students. | 0:41:35 | 0:41:37 | |
But the doctors in America do take a more modern oath. | 0:41:37 | 0:41:39 | |
Does anybody know what it's called? | 0:41:39 | 0:41:41 | |
It's named after a pasta dish. | 0:41:41 | 0:41:44 | |
Carbonara. | 0:41:44 | 0:41:46 | |
-Ravioli. -The oath of ravioli, I like that. | 0:41:47 | 0:41:51 | |
-The oath of Bolognese. -The oath of Bolognese. | 0:41:51 | 0:41:53 | |
-Lasagna? -Yes, it's the Oath of Lasagna, you're absolutely right, | 0:41:53 | 0:41:56 | |
written by a doctor in 1964 called Louis Lasagna. | 0:41:56 | 0:42:00 | |
And at the end of all that, it is time for the scores. | 0:42:02 | 0:42:05 | |
In first place, our employee of the week, with minus two, is David. | 0:42:05 | 0:42:12 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:42:12 | 0:42:14 | |
Performing adequately with minus five, it's Richard. | 0:42:17 | 0:42:20 | |
-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE -Thank you. | 0:42:20 | 0:42:23 | |
On a final warning with minus seven, Deirdre. | 0:42:23 | 0:42:26 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:42:26 | 0:42:28 | |
And clearing their desk with minus 49 points... | 0:42:29 | 0:42:33 | |
..Alan! | 0:42:33 | 0:42:35 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:42:35 | 0:42:38 | |
And of course we have a prize for our winner. | 0:42:43 | 0:42:46 | |
This week's objectionable object is | 0:42:46 | 0:42:49 | |
this lovely Queen Victoria milk jug. | 0:42:49 | 0:42:53 | |
That's for you, David, because you can't have a show without prizes. | 0:42:53 | 0:42:56 | |
Lovely. | 0:42:56 | 0:42:58 | |
It only remains for me to thank Deirdre, Richard, David and Alan. | 0:42:58 | 0:43:00 | |
Now it's time to clock out, and to encourage you all to leave, | 0:43:00 | 0:43:03 | |
we've left a massive cheese in the car park. Goodnight. | 0:43:03 | 0:43:06 |