Occupations and Offices QI XL


Occupations and Offices

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APPLAUSE

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Good evening and welcome to the QI office party.

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Joining me around the photocopier for a show all about offices

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and occupations are vice president of stapler affairs, Deirdre O'Kane.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Senior partner in charge of biscuits, Richard Osman.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Regional branch Biro lid replacement manager, David Mitchell.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And, on the 15th year of his two-week internship, Alan Davies.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Let's hear their noises office. Deirdre goes...

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CLACKING

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PING

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What is it?

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-Typewriter.

-It's a, yeah...

-Thanks for the help! Thank you.

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-Well done!

-Wow.

-Yes, there must be a historian in.

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But genuinely, kids at home are going, "Oh, thank you."

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They couldn't know that, they wouldn't have.

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Richard goes...

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BROADBAND DIAL-UP BEEPING

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LAUGHTER

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That's a laugh from a certain section of the audience,

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who got that.

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David goes...

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WATER POURING

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BUBBLING

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Diarrhoea, we're all aware of that.

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And Alan goes...

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RINGING

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The office is now closed. Please leave a message for...

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-Alan Davies.

-..after the tone.

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BEEP

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Right.

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What's the worst thing you can catch in the office?

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Well, I mean, the plague?

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Can you imagine how many days off people had during the plague?

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People who were perfectly all right.

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"Yeah, oh, God, plague, yeah. Yeah, pretty bad."

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Were they just talking to their hands? They were just...

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Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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Files disease.

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Files disease?

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Well, in fact, it's bad manners.

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Bad manners is the thing you are most likely to catch in an office.

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They did a study in 2015, and acts of rudeness apparently

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spread around an organisation a bit like a cold.

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And when rudeness starts,

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it tends to get worse over the course of a working day.

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-It is the thing...

-Oh, bugger off!

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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You can't actually catch bad manners.

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Apparently what happens is,

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if somebody is rude to you you're more likely to be rude back.

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Hence the Nazis and things like that.

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-That started in an office...

-Yeah, yeah.

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-..with someone being a little bit impolite...

-Yeah.

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-..over some filing.

-And suddenly they're in Poland.

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The next thing you know...

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There is lots of bacteria as well.

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I mean, they did a study of 33 keyboards in an average office and

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one of them had five times as many germs as the office toilet seat.

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But I'm always a bit worried about those numbers of germs things

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because they say the average kitchen worktop has more germs on it

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than the average loo seat.

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To which the obvious response is,

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well, that's obviously broadly fine, then.

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Because we're not all dying, we don't go to the kitchen

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and have one meal and immediately vomit and vomit and vomit.

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But toilets are actually quite clean

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because they are actually cleaned with bleach, which is...

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Do you not think bleach is the perfect product of all time?

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Because people go to the shops, they buy it, they pour it

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down the toilet, they flush it away and they go and buy some more.

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Whoever invented it thought, "This is going to make us a fortune."

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So Deirdre, what do you reckon?

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If you had an all-male office and an all-female office,

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which one would have more bacteria?

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-Oh, the male office.

-Why?

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Because they're mankier than us.

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So maybe that is the scientific answer.

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They're dirtier and bigger, so they give off more bacteria.

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But are men dirtier per kilogram?

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Oh, that's a good question.

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Deirdre, how dirty are you? And then we'll work it out.

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I know that men don't wash their hands after

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-they've been in the toilet.

-There you go.

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In fact, I was once at Wembley Stadium,

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and I went to wash my hands, and when I got to the sink

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there were three penises urinating into the sink.

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No! On their own?

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I don't really know how it works.

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They couldn't be bothered to queue for the urinals,

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they just used the sink where I was trying to wash my hands.

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And they're here tonight.

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Did you ever play the old Comedy Store in Leicester Square?

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Yes, and the first time I went in the dressing room,

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Arthur Smith and Paul Merton were in there.

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And they introduced themselves and said, "The toilet's over there."

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-And it was the sink.

-Yeah.

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So there was just a basin in the corner of the room,

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and they weren't really expecting girls.

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I was just going to say, not much good for us.

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No, well, Josie Lawrence used to lift me up, to be able...

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But while we're on the difference between boys and girls,

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does anybody know why air con, air conditioning in offices is sexist?

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Is it because males and females like different room temperatures?

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It's because when it was first set,

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they did some tests in the 1960s and they specifically set

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the temperature for an 11st, 40-year-old man.

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And it's been set at that temperature...

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There's no such thing as that any more, is there?

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An 11st 40-year-old man.

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So it was set at that.

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And I don't know his name, if I catch him I'm going to kill him.

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But women's metabolisms run so much slower,

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so we don't have as much muscle, we don't generate as much heat,

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so we're much colder in offices than men,

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for whom the air conditioning is all organised.

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There is good news, if you feel cold at work.

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If you feel cold on a Monday, why might it be better on a Friday?

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The excitement at the weekend makes everyone get a little bit oooh.

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-So...

-You've been in the office for five days, you get used to it?

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It's that you've been in the office for five days and it has

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got warmer by the generation of all those people coming into the city.

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They did some studies in Melbourne

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and the temperature actually went up 0.3 degrees in the entire city

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by just people coming in over the course of the week.

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Not just because it's Melbourne and it's warmer there.

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Well, I never thought of that as an answer, I think that's fair enough.

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The worst thing you can catch in the office is bad manners,

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unless you work in a virus laboratory, I imagine.

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So, I have four occupations for you.

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Deirdre, you are a sewage diver.

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Richard, you are the Queen's bagpiper.

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David, you're an ornamental hermit.

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And, Alan, you're bailiff of the Chiltern Hundreds.

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Which of you has got a real job?

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The Chiltern Hundreds is a real place.

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Yes, but is the job a real job?

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It's an anti-job. It's what you get when you resign as an MP,

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-you join the Chiltern Hundreds.

-Yeah.

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So it's not really a real job.

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So 1624, they passed a law saying that nobody

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can leave Parliament, and it stems from the time

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when people were elected against their will.

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So sometimes local gentry were made to join Parliament,

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they didn't really want to,

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and the law says technically you have to die or you have to be

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voted out or you have to go work for the Queen or something.

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So if you want to retire, you apply for a fictional Crown Office

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called the steward and bailiff of the Chiltern Hundreds.

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And here are some people who have, in their time, been stewards.

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Look at Tony Blair pretending to drink wine.

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He brought an empty glass to his lips

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and now he's filled it with his special liquid.

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LAUGHTER

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Then he passes it to the person next to him.

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They drink it and then they like him.

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So, let's go back to the sewage diver.

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What do you reckon, Deirdre, real job?

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Well, it's a shit job, isn't it?

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It is, look at that, it is a real thing.

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It's more wading they do than diving, isn't it?

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But that's not a way to resign if you're an MP. You know...

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-I think that would be quite popular.

-That would be a good way.

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"I wish to leave politics, so now I will immerse myself in excrement."

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-Yes.

-Hooray!

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-DEIRDRE:

-But who would do this job?

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I used to be a sewage diver.

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It was just going through the motions.

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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Thanks, everybody.

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APPLAUSE

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Well, there are sewage farms and they have sort of moving parts,

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and when things get stuck, they're fitted with air pipelines,

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-they have to dive in and climb down to fix them.

-Oh, God.

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-They're fitted with air pipelines, I would hope so.

-Yes, I know.

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Just take a deep breath and go for it.

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I would have thought the worst job is the person who has to

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clean the suit when they get out.

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I don't know.

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I think I'd go, presented with that terrible career choice,

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I think I'd go for cleaning the suit.

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What about Queen's bagpiper, Richard, is that a real job?

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Well, she's got everything, hasn't she, the Queen?

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So yeah, gosh, I'd imagine so.

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She is really keen on bagpipers, isn't she?

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Well, she inherited it.

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Queen Victoria was terribly keen, I mean, mad keen on them.

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-Mad for the bagpipes.

-Mad for the bagpipes.

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There was no telly then, so, you know, fair enough.

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I have to say, it was much easier in the days

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-when all you had to be better than was a bagpiper.

-Yeah.

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Nine o'clock every morning he plays for 15 minutes

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underneath her window.

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Oh, no, he doesn't!

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Well, he's been told it's her window. Who knows?

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They play 15 minutes every day at Buckingham Palace,

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Windsor Castle, Balmoral or Holyroodhouse.

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They don't play at Sandringham. Anybody know why?

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Because she needs a break.

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-That's the Christmas one, isn't it, Sandringham?

-Yeah.

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Well, apparently it's because there isn't enough accommodation.

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So...

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-I'm so sorry, we just don't have the room for the bagpiper.

-No.

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One of the things they say...

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It's kind of anti the Christmas story, isn't it?

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Go in the stable.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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No room for the bagpipers.

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Apparently, and you'll be appalled by this,

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at Christmas at Sandringham,

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some of the royal family have to sleep in the servants' quarters.

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I don't know where the servants go.

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But presumably that involves them seducing a servant every evening.

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I mean, that...

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And when he's not bagpiping, he's a Page of Presence.

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But I have no idea what that is.

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A Page of PRESENTS is Santa's list, isn't it?

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Oh.

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I'm going to give you an extra point

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because that's the cutest answer anybody's ever given.

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What about the ornamental hermit, David? What do you reckon?

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The sort of very rich man, aristocrat that built follies

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might think a folly would be even more fun if it was permanently

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inhabited by someone employed to sort of be there and be a hermit.

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You're absolutely right. It was very fashionable in the 18th century.

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They liked people to sort of dress up as Druids,

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and they lived in caves.

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If the land owner couldn't afford a hermit,

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because, you know, they're pricey, they saved money by having

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just the hermitage and telling everybody the hermit was out.

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-Which, famously, hermits never are.

-No.

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Yeah, I'd have gone with,

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"Don't bother the hermit, he's a bit of a loner."

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That's more plausible, isn't it?

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There are still several towns in Europe

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that have professional hermits.

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So early 2017, the Austrian town of Saalfelden advertised for one.

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There's no salary, but you get your own house and chapel,

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which is very nice.

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There's no TV, no running water, no internet,

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and you need to be sociable.

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-You need to be sociable?

-Yeah, because people turn up.

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-You wouldn't expect that.

-No.

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If you'd finally made it as a professional hermit and then

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they say, "Of course, the main thing is you've got to be sociable."

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2008 survey, most common job title in the UK?

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-Job title?

-Yeah.

-Party planner?

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-No.

-Balloon animal magician?

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Oh, I want it to be that.

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Is it just an office worker?

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-It's manager.

-Oh, right.

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-That's a lot of managers.

-It is.

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Most of them have been England managers, as well.

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-Is that a football joke?

-Yeah.

-OK.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Anyway, moving on.

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Why shouldn't you give a teenage boy your phone?

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Just plain hygiene.

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Don't want to give a teenage boy anything, do you?

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-DAVID:

-I'm not happy with anyone having my phone.

-Oh, why?

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My phone broke a few weeks ago and it was like I'd lost a hand.

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And in fact I gained one, because I could use two at once again.

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APPLAUSE

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But it was...

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I was honestly, I felt genuinely bereft.

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I think having something you can stare at, and by staring at it

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you look like you're gainfully occupied,

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and so people might leave you alone.

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It's a way of being a hermit wherever you are.

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Actually, we are going back to the 19th century.

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It's the very first telephone systems.

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Bell telephone, 1878.

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If a call came in,

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they actually had to put a plug into the hole that the call was

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being received, and then run a wire to where the call wanted to go.

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And when they first set up this system they hired messenger boys

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because it was assumed that it was a physically demanding job

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and the boys would be fantastic at it, they'd be really fit.

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Instead, they drank beer and wrestled each other,

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swore at the customers and connected strangers together as a prank.

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-What if...?

-Well, that's like the first social network.

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Yes, it is, exactly.

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I was going to say, what if this is what the internet is?

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We think it's this whizzy thing, but it's actually just

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a series of teenage boys in a little bunker, kind of connecting people.

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I know, dressed like that.

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It would explain a lot about the internet if it was.

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And so the boys were very quickly replaced by women.

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By the end of the 1880s, almost all phone operators were women,

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and they could always remember who they were speaking to.

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They had to say "number, please" about a thousand times a day.

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They were polite and they managed to knit at the same time.

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This is the original multi-tasking.

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And yet the toilet was still a sink.

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The phone banks, you can see how long they are in the picture,

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that some of the women used to wear roller skates

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in order to make their way up and down.

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Fantastic picture.

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Anyway, another O occupation now.

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How would an Onion Johnny bring tears to your eyes?

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Is he wearing one there?

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No, it's not a thing.

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-It's not a thing?

-No.

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So it's an emotion?

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Oh, what is the emotion of Onion Johnny?

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It's a sad emotion, obviously, it brings tears to your eyes.

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Because it's making you cry. An ennui, maybe.

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You are heading in the right direction.

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OK, really? Blimey!

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In that we've managed to get a cod French accent in.

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-Oh, all right.

-So it's French.

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-French, heading towards France.

-French, but it's not a thing.

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It's a person.

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Is it a person selling onions?

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It's a person selling onions, absolutely right, Deirdre,

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very well done.

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APPLAUSE

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So, they were French onion sellers who travelled door to door.

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The 1920s and '30s, there were up to 1,500 of them

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who travelled to the UK for several months of the year,

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mostly on bicycles.

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And they were called Johnnies because they were Jean,

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many of them were called Jean, so they were Onion Johnnies.

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And it's where we get the origin of the French stereotype,

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the beret and the stripy jumper.

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But in fact they were Breton, they were from Brittany.

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So most French people are baffled by the fact that we think this is

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what a Frenchman looks like, because most of the Johnnies didn't speak

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French at all, they spoke Bretonese, which is a bit like Welsh.

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2008 reported only 15 Onion Johnnies remaining.

0:15:570:16:00

Does anybody know the myth that

0:16:000:16:01

if you put half an onion in your sock, within half an hour

0:16:010:16:04

you'll be able to taste it, as the chemicals run through your body?

0:16:040:16:07

But why would you eat your sock?

0:16:070:16:09

No, you don't need to eat the sock.

0:16:110:16:13

You put the onion inside the sock to keep it in place.

0:16:130:16:17

And then the chemicals seep up through your body.

0:16:170:16:19

-Nonsense, I don't believe it.

-It is nonsense.

0:16:190:16:21

One of the Elves tried this and it doesn't work,

0:16:210:16:24

and what worries me is that they tried it.

0:16:240:16:26

-They are very thorough researchers.

-They do very thorough research.

0:16:290:16:32

I heard that if you fill your shoes with custard

0:16:320:16:33

you can taste it after half an hour, and that's a fact.

0:16:330:16:36

Don't say that, those squelching Elves.

0:16:360:16:38

If they're watching.

0:16:380:16:40

I've heard if you put beef stroganoff in your socks

0:16:400:16:42

you can taste it after six weeks,

0:16:420:16:44

so you've really got to stick at that one.

0:16:440:16:47

Sometimes they make you cry and sometimes they don't, don't they?

0:16:470:16:50

-Yes, and there are all sorts of...

-And there's a reason for that.

0:16:500:16:53

I think it's the way in which you cut them.

0:16:530:16:55

Something to do with that,

0:16:550:16:56

and also whether your partner's just left you.

0:16:560:16:59

LAUGHTER

0:16:590:17:02

APPLAUSE

0:17:040:17:06

And there's no point in putting a spoon in your mouth then, is there?

0:17:080:17:11

-I do that.

-Yeah?

-Do you put a teaspoon in your mouth?

0:17:110:17:13

You're meant to put a spoon in your mouth.

0:17:130:17:14

When you're chopping onion, you put a spoon in your mouth

0:17:140:17:17

and you won't cry, but it doesn't work.

0:17:170:17:18

A teaspoon or a great big spoon, like a ladle?

0:17:180:17:21

No, like a...

0:17:210:17:22

-Let's say a dessert spoon.

-Dessert spoon.

0:17:230:17:26

Soup spoon size.

0:17:260:17:27

And do you have it curvy bit up or down?

0:17:270:17:30

I'd have the curly bit up in the shape of the palate.

0:17:300:17:32

-DAVID:

-But don't ask Deirdre, it doesn't work for her.

-Yeah.

0:17:320:17:35

Have you ever played the spoon game?

0:17:350:17:37

What's the spoon game?

0:17:370:17:39

The spoon game is...

0:17:390:17:40

..you put a spoon in your mouth, a bit like that...

0:17:410:17:44

-Yeah.

-All right. Put your head down, it won't hurt.

0:17:440:17:46

-Put my what?

-Your head.

0:17:460:17:48

Head down, right.

0:17:480:17:49

And you go like that.

0:17:490:17:50

-Right?

-Mm-hmm.

0:17:530:17:54

-Then... David, you can get up now.

-Thank you.

0:17:540:17:56

Then David will put the spoon in his mouth and I'll put my head down.

0:17:580:18:02

-Yeah.

-And then a third person behind me will hit me

0:18:020:18:04

with incredible force with another spoon.

0:18:040:18:06

-And it really, really hurts.

-Yes.

-So when you come up, you're enraged.

0:18:080:18:12

And then you put the spoon back in your mouth

0:18:120:18:14

and you really, really try as hard as you can.

0:18:140:18:16

And then they say "Right," and then the third person goes...

0:18:160:18:19

And it took me three goes before I thought, "Hang on a minute,

0:18:190:18:23

"you're not doing that with a spoon in your mouth!"

0:18:230:18:26

What worried me is how compliant David was.

0:18:260:18:29

You had no idea.

0:18:290:18:30

I was just trying to look fun.

0:18:320:18:34

-I've known you a long time, David, it's a new look.

-Yeah.

0:18:380:18:40

Now for an out-of-office question.

0:18:430:18:45

How do you get everyone to leave the office party?

0:18:450:18:49

-A fire alarm?

-Fire alarm's good.

0:18:490:18:51

-Sprinklers.

-I'm going to give you a clue.

0:18:510:18:53

It's a particular office that we are going to be in,

0:18:530:18:56

it's going to be the Oval Office.

0:18:560:18:57

Tell them the President's on his way?

0:18:580:19:00

So, the President of the United States,

0:19:030:19:05

it was a tradition that he held an open house

0:19:050:19:08

to celebrate the inauguration.

0:19:080:19:09

And theoretically anybody could show up

0:19:090:19:11

and shake the President's hand and drink a bit of punch.

0:19:110:19:13

So, 1829, Andrew Jackson, he had a tradition of,

0:19:130:19:16

you know, having people over.

0:19:160:19:18

And it was the worst house party ever.

0:19:180:19:20

20,000 people showed up, massive crowds poured in.

0:19:200:19:24

They stood on the furniture, they ground food into the carpet,

0:19:240:19:27

they broke the crystal,

0:19:270:19:28

and apparently the carpet smelled of cheese for months.

0:19:280:19:31

So, how to get the guests out of the house?

0:19:310:19:33

So the house has got 20,000 people in it,

0:19:330:19:35

they're all making the place stink of cheese.

0:19:350:19:38

-What do you do?

-Fire?

-No.

0:19:380:19:39

-You want to lure them, be nice...

-Ice cream van.

0:19:390:19:42

Ice cream van in 1829, I'm loving the idea.

0:19:420:19:45

I'm sorry, ice cream cart.

0:19:470:19:49

No, they set up huge barrels of whisky on the lawn.

0:19:510:19:53

-Oh!

-"Free booze!"

-Free booze.

-"Free booze!"

0:19:530:19:56

At last, we've had so much cheese!

0:19:560:19:58

But he didn't learn, Jackson,

0:20:000:20:02

so 1837, he's done eight years in office, and he leaves office.

0:20:020:20:05

And he's been given as a gift this massive half-tonne

0:20:050:20:09

wheel of cheese by a farmer as a...

0:20:090:20:12

-Half a tonne?

-A half a tonne wheel of cheese.

0:20:120:20:13

And he thought, "We'll have that as a party."

0:20:130:20:16

10,000 people turned up and ate this cheese in two hours.

0:20:160:20:20

And once again the White House stank of cheese, apparently.

0:20:200:20:23

Simpler times, when all you need for a great party is just

0:20:230:20:27

an unbelievable quantity of cheese.

0:20:270:20:30

-You don't even need biscuits.

-No.

0:20:300:20:32

So, the truth is,

0:20:320:20:33

most people don't look forward to their office parties.

0:20:330:20:35

They did a survey of 700 office workers -

0:20:350:20:37

25% did look forward to it,

0:20:370:20:39

40% didn't care,

0:20:390:20:40

20% actively hated the prospect

0:20:400:20:43

and 15% couldn't be arsed to answer the question, I think.

0:20:430:20:48

I think you have to be quite socially confident to say

0:20:480:20:50

you're looking forward to your office party.

0:20:500:20:53

-It sounds a bit keen.

-Yeah.

0:20:530:20:55

You're supposed to dread it or go, "Oh, it'll be fine."

0:20:550:20:58

So those 25% are either very socially confident or

0:20:580:21:01

-they've completely missed the mood of the times.

-Yeah.

0:21:010:21:04

Quick question about the Oval Office.

0:21:040:21:06

Can you spot the fascist in the Oval Office?

0:21:060:21:09

It's a thing. This is an actual thing.

0:21:110:21:13

-A thing, a thing.

-It's not a person.

0:21:130:21:15

It's the thing from which we get the word fascist, or fascism.

0:21:150:21:18

It's that bundle there that you could see over the door.

0:21:180:21:21

So what it is, it's a bundle of wooden rods,

0:21:210:21:23

it's often shown with an axe.

0:21:230:21:24

And when Mussolini came to power, he adopted it

0:21:240:21:26

as the symbol of fascism, so it's where we get the word from.

0:21:260:21:29

It's a big thing for the Americans,

0:21:290:21:30

there are two fasces on the Seal of the United States Senate,

0:21:300:21:33

and they also had them on their coins

0:21:330:21:35

throughout the Second World War.

0:21:350:21:36

The Washington monument is the tallest building in Washington DC.

0:21:360:21:40

No other building is allowed to be more than 12 storeys

0:21:400:21:43

-or something like that.

-Yeah.

0:21:430:21:45

It was much disputed over,

0:21:450:21:46

because they couldn't decide who was going to pay for it.

0:21:460:21:48

So they built a bit of it and then it stopped, and by the time

0:21:480:21:51

they finished building it, they didn't have the same marble,

0:21:510:21:53

so you can see a line where the dispute kind of took place.

0:21:530:21:56

Once you get above a certain height you can just use breeze blocks.

0:21:560:21:59

No, I always spot that, always.

0:22:010:22:03

People always build their fences to like an inch lower

0:22:040:22:07

than my eyesight, and, honestly, they think they're

0:22:070:22:09

safe from everybody, but they're not safe from me.

0:22:090:22:13

The trampolines I've seen!

0:22:130:22:14

LAUGHTER

0:22:140:22:17

That's just a brilliant title for your autobiography.

0:22:180:22:22

But you know what?

0:22:220:22:24

APPLAUSE

0:22:240:22:26

We've got a wall that goes onto a public space,

0:22:270:22:30

and the limit that we're allowed to erect to is two metres,

0:22:300:22:34

which is a very close approximation of your height.

0:22:340:22:37

So the law about your wall height is specifically designed

0:22:370:22:40

to allow Richard to see in.

0:22:400:22:43

Or it's for us to see Richard should he approach.

0:22:430:22:45

Yeah.

0:22:450:22:46

Right, moving on.

0:22:500:22:52

Name the world's biggest troll.

0:22:520:22:54

Donald Trump.

0:22:540:22:56

SIREN BLARES

0:22:560:22:58

APPLAUSE

0:22:590:23:01

Any more for any more?

0:23:050:23:06

-Katie Hopkins.

-Hey!

0:23:060:23:07

SIREN BLARES

0:23:070:23:10

APPLAUSE

0:23:100:23:12

Donald Twitter?

0:23:130:23:15

Oh, no, that doesn't make sense!

0:23:150:23:17

-Piers Morgan.

-Piers Morgan.

0:23:200:23:22

SIREN BLARES

0:23:220:23:24

APPLAUSE

0:23:240:23:26

No, we've gone offshore, so it's not a Twitter thing,

0:23:270:23:29

it's an offshore thing.

0:23:290:23:31

Do trolls live under oil rigs now? Who's that clip-clopping over...?

0:23:310:23:34

"Boom!"

0:23:340:23:36

-It's Troll A.

-Oh, that.

0:23:370:23:39

It's a gas platform in the North Sea's Troll gas field.

0:23:390:23:42

It's the tallest and heaviest structure ever moved by mankind.

0:23:420:23:47

It weighs over a million tonnes

0:23:470:23:49

-and it is taller than the Empire State Building. So...

-Is it?

0:23:490:23:52

Normally, this is before it's been taken out...

0:23:520:23:54

-Shut the front door!

-I know!

0:23:540:23:55

Taller than the Empire State Building?

0:23:550:23:57

This is before it's been taken out to sea, so when it is out

0:23:570:24:00

at sea you can't actually see the central structures there.

0:24:000:24:03

And it takes nine minutes to take the lift

0:24:030:24:05

down the leg of the structure.

0:24:050:24:07

Whereupon you drown.

0:24:070:24:09

The singer Katie Melua received a Guinness World Record for

0:24:090:24:12

the Deepest Concert Ever Given

0:24:120:24:15

when she played 303 metres below sea level in the leg.

0:24:150:24:19

So they have a performance space at the bottom of the troll leg thing?

0:24:190:24:24

Yes, but I don't...

0:24:240:24:25

I think that shouldn't have got funding.

0:24:250:24:27

There's too much money in gas, isn't there?

0:24:280:24:30

Well, I think it's strictly speaking called the dining room,

0:24:300:24:33

it's not like a club.

0:24:330:24:34

And you couldn't have a board outside saying what's on,

0:24:350:24:38

because it would get washed off every now and again.

0:24:380:24:41

Would you not get the bends?

0:24:410:24:43

-It'll be pressurized in there.

-Yeah.

0:24:430:24:45

It's not only is it a sub-aqua performance space,

0:24:450:24:48

-it has to be pressurized!

-Yeah.

0:24:480:24:49

You can see why the boat remains the more cost-efficient way

0:24:490:24:54

-of having something on the surface of the sea.

-Yeah.

0:24:540:24:56

Rather than it being on a huge concrete leg

0:24:560:24:59

with a concert hall in it.

0:24:590:25:00

And when all that's done, is there a tiny little gas tap at the top,

0:25:030:25:06

like you have for a Bunsen burner?

0:25:060:25:08

You've got your million tonne structure, and then you go,

0:25:080:25:10

"psssht."

0:25:100:25:11

Yeah, they use it to light their cigarettes.

0:25:130:25:15

When we went for a cigarette at lunch time at school,

0:25:170:25:19

we went and stood round the back of the Shell garage, I shit you not!

0:25:190:25:22

That was where we went for a cigarette!

0:25:240:25:27

"Going up the garage?" "Going up the garage."

0:25:270:25:29

And we'd go round and smoke on the forecourt.

0:25:290:25:32

Safety first, I love it.

0:25:320:25:34

Now, for a double-O occupation,

0:25:340:25:36

can you name the longest-lasting Soviet spy to work in the UK?

0:25:360:25:41

-Oh, yes.

-Yes?

0:25:410:25:42

My friend Steve.

0:25:420:25:44

-I shouldn't say that, actually.

-Sssh.

0:25:440:25:46

But it is him.

0:25:460:25:48

It was a secretary called Melita Norwood, and she had

0:25:480:25:51

a job in a metals firm in London that was heavily involved...

0:25:510:25:55

You just have to look at her!

0:25:550:25:56

I know, you can tell straight away.

0:25:560:25:59

To be fair to her, she spent a while in Slade as well.

0:25:590:26:03

LAUGHTER

0:26:030:26:06

Doesn't she look a bit like Richard, though?

0:26:070:26:10

Sssh.

0:26:100:26:11

Like a little Richard.

0:26:110:26:13

You know what her main tactic was? Peering over people's walls.

0:26:130:26:17

Fantastically tall.

0:26:170:26:18

I get that Vladimir Putin onto me all the time,

0:26:200:26:23

"Tell me about the trampolines, tell me."

0:26:230:26:25

"Who is on ze trampoliiiine?"

0:26:250:26:27

I don't know why I did that voice.

0:26:270:26:28

"Does Alan Davies have a Wendy house?"

0:26:280:26:30

It just shows you, it's worth another layer of bricks,

0:26:320:26:35

-isn't it, when you're building a wall around MI6?

-Yep.

0:26:350:26:38

How tall can someone be? Six foot two maximum!

0:26:380:26:42

She worked in a metals firm that was heavily involved in

0:26:420:26:45

Britain's atomic project, and every night she used to open her boss's

0:26:450:26:48

safe and she used to photograph the contents, and thanks to her

0:26:480:26:51

the Soviet Union were able to test their nuclear weapons much sooner.

0:26:510:26:54

And she was discovered as a spy in 1999, when she was 87 years old.

0:26:540:27:00

And the authorities decided there was no point in prosecuting her,

0:27:000:27:04

and she was of course nicknamed The Bolshevik of Bexleyheath.

0:27:040:27:07

Which is a hideous error, because obviously Bolshevik is a male word.

0:27:080:27:12

-Oh, Bolshikava.

-Should have been Bolshevichka.

0:27:120:27:15

-Also, she lived in Stafford, and so...

-Yeah.

0:27:150:27:18

One of the least effective spies, Britain's Michael Bettaney,

0:27:180:27:21

hired by MI5 in 1982.

0:27:210:27:23

He once tried to dodge a ticket on a train while drunk,

0:27:230:27:26

and when a guard chased him he shouted,

0:27:260:27:28

"You can't arrest me, I'm a spy."

0:27:280:27:30

It's so easy to over-estimate the efficacy of the double bluff,

0:27:330:27:36

-isn't it?

-I know, yes.

0:27:360:27:37

He later tried to get in touch with the KGB to sell them

0:27:370:27:39

some documents, and the KGB thought they were being set-up

0:27:390:27:42

and they informed MI5 of his treachery.

0:27:420:27:44

So he was just rubbish.

0:27:440:27:46

Look, that is the worst bunny rabbit you've ever seen.

0:27:460:27:50

LAUGHTER

0:27:500:27:52

APPLAUSE

0:27:530:27:55

Probably the worst spying operation happened in 1940,

0:27:580:28:00

and this is one of my favourites - a dozen German spies

0:28:000:28:03

landed in Britain and they were all caught almost immediately.

0:28:030:28:07

One walked into a pub

0:28:070:28:08

and asked for a pint of cider soon after nine o'clock in the morning,

0:28:080:28:11

and they weren't allowed to serve alcohol before lunch.

0:28:110:28:14

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-Half a litre of cider.

-Straight away, please.

0:28:140:28:17

Another couple were stopped while cycling through Scotland

0:28:170:28:19

on the wrong side of the road, and when they looked in their bags,

0:28:190:28:22

they were found to contain German sausages and Nivea hand cream.

0:28:220:28:26

-And I...

-What a combination that is!

-I know!

0:28:260:28:28

Oh!

0:28:300:28:31

-Whoa!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:28:320:28:36

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-It's nine o'clock in the morning, Rolf!

0:28:360:28:40

I've had a cider, Hans.

0:28:400:28:41

I thought it was because no British soldier would have hand cream,

0:28:440:28:47

but it turns out Nivea is German, I didn't know that.

0:28:470:28:49

-Is it?

-It's German.

-Oh.

0:28:490:28:51

One of them spoke no English at all, but the one who spoke English

0:28:510:28:54

the best said his mission was to find out,

0:28:540:28:56

"How the people is living,

0:28:560:28:58

"how many soldiers there are and all the things."

0:28:580:29:00

It really is, "'Allo 'Allo!" was a documentary, basically, wasn't it?

0:29:030:29:07

There are some people who think they were deliberately

0:29:070:29:09

sent by senior German officers to sabotage the plot

0:29:090:29:11

because they didn't want to invade Britain, but...

0:29:110:29:13

That's the Germans for you.

0:29:130:29:15

At the time.

0:29:160:29:17

A lot of them have mended their ways since.

0:29:190:29:21

Ooh!

0:29:210:29:23

-No, a lot of them have.

-It's a wonderful country.

0:29:230:29:25

For our friends in Berlin, Richard's address is...

0:29:250:29:27

He's just bitter because they have really, really high fences.

0:29:280:29:31

But I tell you, that Berlin wall! Oh.

0:29:340:29:36

Now, what is this man about to post?

0:29:390:29:41

A letter.

0:29:420:29:44

SIREN BLARES

0:29:440:29:46

-Took a bullet there, everyone.

-Yeah.

0:29:470:29:49

Is he about to post a Movember selfie on Facebook?

0:29:490:29:52

No, it is a most extraordinary thing, he's about to post himself.

0:29:540:29:58

-Is he?

-Yeah. His name is Willie Reginald Bray.

0:29:580:30:00

He was also known as The Human Letter.

0:30:000:30:02

He was an eccentric gentleman who spent his entire life pushing

0:30:020:30:05

the British Post Office to their absolute limits.

0:30:050:30:08

And he started by sending unwrapped stamped objects to himself

0:30:080:30:11

to see how that would go.

0:30:110:30:12

So he sent a shirt collar and a half-smoked cigar.

0:30:120:30:15

That's him actually posting onions on the right there.

0:30:150:30:18

He sent a turnip with the address carved into it,

0:30:180:30:21

a rabbit skull with the address written along the nose bone,

0:30:210:30:24

with the stamps glued onto the back,

0:30:240:30:26

and almost all of it got through without any trouble at all.

0:30:260:30:29

So he began to experiment.

0:30:290:30:30

He wrote to "any resident of London", there it is.

0:30:300:30:34

Any resident of London.

0:30:340:30:35

Sadly, that was rejected, "insufficiently addressed".

0:30:350:30:38

But he did get his mother to crochet the address and that was accepted.

0:30:380:30:42

And he also wrote the address in mirror writing

0:30:420:30:44

and that was also accepted.

0:30:440:30:47

And then he discovered, in the Post Office guidelines,

0:30:470:30:49

that you could send a live animal as small as a bee,

0:30:490:30:51

if you wanted to, through the post.

0:30:510:30:53

So he couldn't get a bee, he settled on his dog.

0:30:530:30:56

And then finally he sent himself through the post.

0:30:560:30:58

He shipped himself to his father,

0:30:580:31:01

and there's his rather irritated father receiving him.

0:31:010:31:04

Then he decided to build the world's largest collection of autographs.

0:31:080:31:11

He wrote to the Reichstag in Germany so many times.

0:31:110:31:15

There's a letter back from Adolf Hitler's office,

0:31:150:31:17

"Please can you stop sending letters? The Fuhrer's quite busy."

0:31:170:31:21

-What if that finally pushed Hitler over the edge?

-Yeah.

0:31:220:31:25

As I say, a lot of them these days, very different,

0:31:250:31:27

-a very different country.

-Yeah.

0:31:270:31:29

Just keep digging that hole there, Richard, it's ...

0:31:320:31:35

It's not a hole, it's a trench.

0:31:350:31:36

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:31:360:31:38

I'm just saying keep an eye on them, that's all I'm saying.

0:31:400:31:43

Right, moving on.

0:31:430:31:44

Now it's time for Alan's occupational hazard,

0:31:450:31:47

the round that we all call General Ignorance.

0:31:470:31:49

Fingers on buzzers, please.

0:31:490:31:51

Who do you go and see to get your eyes tested?

0:31:510:31:54

WATER GURGLES David?

0:31:540:31:55

-Optician.

-Oh! SIREN BLARES

0:31:550:31:58

-No. Why not? BUZZER:

-Alan Davies.

0:32:000:32:03

LAUGHTER

0:32:030:32:05

Optometrist.

0:32:080:32:10

Yes. So the optician dispenses the glasses

0:32:100:32:14

and the optometrist is the person who actually tests your eyes.

0:32:140:32:17

You can be trained as both, so you might have an optician

0:32:170:32:20

who is also an optometrist, that is possible.

0:32:200:32:22

An optician who is also an optometrist,

0:32:220:32:24

that's a TV show I'd like to watch.

0:32:240:32:26

Crazy maverick optician who does optometry as a sideline.

0:32:260:32:29

There is an optician where I live, and it's called Maverick and Wolf.

0:32:310:32:35

Wow.

0:32:350:32:36

An optician. I don't think that's their real names.

0:32:360:32:39

-I think it is their real name.

-Oh, do you think?

-Yeah.

0:32:390:32:41

Because it's an odd thing to invent, isn't it?

0:32:410:32:44

Why would you want to buy glasses from people so oddly named?

0:32:440:32:48

Branding, David, do you understand the concept of branding?

0:32:480:32:51

Mitchell and Webb was a disastrous name.

0:32:510:32:54

-Mitchell and Webb is a good name for an optometrists.

-Yeah.

0:32:560:32:58

That works much better.

0:32:580:32:59

Actually, it does sound like an optician's.

0:32:590:33:02

-Maybe one of each.

-Oh, yes, I like that.

0:33:020:33:04

And they can't get on.

0:33:040:33:06

Why might poor eyesight make a good impression?

0:33:060:33:11

Do you seem aloof and therefore people respect you?

0:33:110:33:14

When you can't see them, you don't rear back at their hideousness.

0:33:150:33:19

-Or try and jump them because of their beauty.

-Yeah.

0:33:220:33:25

So either way, your response is muted.

0:33:250:33:27

-Muted.

-It's not that.

0:33:270:33:28

I have very bad eyesight, even with glasses,

0:33:280:33:30

so I can see virtually nothing.

0:33:300:33:31

But it does mean, you know in all the Hollywood movies

0:33:310:33:33

when they used to sort of...? Yeah, I see that.

0:33:330:33:35

Can I say, thank you very much.

0:33:370:33:39

So, everyone looks like they're shot through a filter.

0:33:400:33:42

OK, so it is about that, it's to do with impressions.

0:33:420:33:45

-Oh.

-Oh, oh, is it because Monet and Manet had bad eyesight

0:33:450:33:47

and that's why they painted in the way they did?

0:33:470:33:49

Absolutely, many of the impressionists

0:33:490:33:51

suffered from very poor eyesight.

0:33:510:33:53

That explains a lot.

0:33:530:33:54

Yeah, I'm very short-sighted. Without glasses or contact lenses,

0:33:540:33:57

-things look a bit like an impressionist painting.

-Right.

0:33:570:33:59

I was in a hotel in New York recently,

0:33:590:34:01

and I was walking down a long corridor.

0:34:010:34:03

At the end of the corridor I saw this painting which I thought,

0:34:030:34:05

"That is beautiful."

0:34:050:34:06

It was abstract, it was red and white and all kinds of stuff.

0:34:060:34:09

And I thought, "When I get to the end of the corridor,

0:34:090:34:11

"I'm going to see what that is."

0:34:110:34:12

And it was a fire hose.

0:34:120:34:14

LAUGHTER

0:34:140:34:16

It was beautiful.

0:34:160:34:18

APPLAUSE

0:34:210:34:23

That would be a thoroughly irresponsible painting

0:34:230:34:25

-to hang in a hotel corridor.

-It would be.

0:34:250:34:28

Well, Monet's unusual colours may be down to his cataracts.

0:34:280:34:30

And he's not the only one.

0:34:300:34:32

Degas probably had maculopathy, so it's a retinal disease,

0:34:320:34:35

it affects your central vision.

0:34:350:34:36

And that explains the increasing blurriness in his paintings.

0:34:360:34:40

And it is thought that Van Gogh suffered from lead poisoning,

0:34:400:34:43

and that can make your retinas swell, and you start to see

0:34:430:34:45

light in circles, so very like the Starry Night.

0:34:450:34:48

And Van Gogh also treated, of course,

0:34:480:34:50

with digitalis for his epilepsy,

0:34:500:34:51

and that drug can cause you to see in yellow or yellow-green,

0:34:510:34:54

and that could explain his increasing use

0:34:540:34:56

of yellow in later works.

0:34:560:34:58

Anyway, if you let an optician test your eyes

0:34:580:35:00

then you need your head examined.

0:35:000:35:02

If your surname is Farmer, what did your ancestors do for a living?

0:35:020:35:07

Pharmacists.

0:35:090:35:11

-Good, very good! Excellent.

-Pharmacists is very good. Very good.

0:35:110:35:14

Pharmacists, no. What did they do for a living?

0:35:140:35:16

I like that they call the drugs industry big pharma, don't they?

0:35:160:35:18

Which always makes me laugh,

0:35:180:35:19

because I always think of a big farmer.

0:35:190:35:22

-It's not that.

-No.

0:35:220:35:23

In the Middle Ages, a fermier was a tax collector.

0:35:230:35:26

So early fermiers collected taxes for the Crown,

0:35:260:35:30

and they would pick applicants to work on tenanted lands in time.

0:35:300:35:34

They made money out of this, they began to buy land,

0:35:340:35:36

they began to grow crops on it,

0:35:360:35:38

and eventually they became what we know as farmers.

0:35:380:35:41

The very first-ever farmer, in our sense of the word,

0:35:410:35:43

was a man called William Le Fermer, recorded in 1238.

0:35:430:35:47

So farmers are actually tax collectors.

0:35:470:35:50

Well, let's have a look at some other occupational surnames.

0:35:500:35:53

Anybody know any of these? Osman.

0:35:530:35:55

-Oh, that's a good one.

-Yes?

0:35:550:35:57

If you go back a couple of generations,

0:35:570:35:58

we were all charcoal burners in the New Forest.

0:35:580:36:01

OK, but it's anybody who worked with bones,

0:36:010:36:02

so it could be a rag and bone man.

0:36:020:36:04

Oh, that's fun.

0:36:040:36:05

Yeah, so it was an Osman.

0:36:050:36:07

Knatchbull?

0:36:070:36:08

It's somebody who hits bulls on the head to stun them

0:36:080:36:10

-before they get slaughtered.

-With a spoon.

0:36:100:36:12

And they do it with a huge spoon, yeah.

0:36:120:36:13

Yeah, a massive spoon.

0:36:130:36:15

What about a Warner?

0:36:190:36:20

Is that a sort of health and safety inspector?

0:36:200:36:23

Is it someone who makes yellow cards?

0:36:260:36:29

-No.

-That's a football joke.

-A football joke, OK.

0:36:290:36:32

Hang on two seconds - ha-ha-ha!

0:36:330:36:35

LAUGHTER

0:36:350:36:37

APPLAUSE

0:36:370:36:39

It's somebody who looks after royal rabbit warrens.

0:36:410:36:45

What about a Dickman, what do you reckon?

0:36:450:36:47

It's somebody who digs ditches, a Dickman.

0:36:470:36:50

And a Kellogg?

0:36:500:36:52

CEREAL killer?

0:36:520:36:54

Yes, yes.

0:36:540:36:57

It is, it's a killer of hogs, it's a butcher.

0:36:570:36:59

Is an Arkwright someone who makes an enormous boat?

0:36:590:37:02

An Arkwright is a person who makes arks, so chests.

0:37:020:37:06

So Noah's Ark, it was just an inverted chest.

0:37:060:37:08

Massive chest, yeah.

0:37:080:37:10

If your surname is Farmer, your ancestors were tax collectors.

0:37:100:37:14

Name the greatest Wimbledon champion of all time.

0:37:140:37:17

Andy Murray.

0:37:190:37:20

SIREN BLARES

0:37:200:37:21

WHISTLE TOOTS

0:37:230:37:24

I think I would have said Sampras. Sorry.

0:37:240:37:26

Sampras? SIREN BLARES

0:37:260:37:28

Great Uncle Bulgaria.

0:37:280:37:30

-Is it...?

-WATER GURGLES

0:37:320:37:34

Is it a croquet player?

0:37:340:37:36

Yes! It is a croquet player.

0:37:360:37:38

Absolutely right.

0:37:380:37:40

APPLAUSE

0:37:400:37:42

Professor Bernard Neal is the greatest Wimbledon champion

0:37:440:37:47

of all time, he won the croquet championships 38 times.

0:37:470:37:50

So if you think about it, Navratilova won Wimbledon singles

0:37:500:37:53

nine times, he won 38 times.

0:37:530:37:56

He only took the sport up at the age of 40.

0:37:560:37:58

Between 1963 and 2002, he won 37 titles out of a possible 40.

0:37:580:38:04

Smacks of a drug cheat, that.

0:38:040:38:05

What do you have to press on the red button to get

0:38:070:38:10

coverage of the croquet?

0:38:100:38:11

I've got a bit of croquet here.

0:38:120:38:13

-So...

-Oh!

0:38:130:38:16

Alan, what colour do you want to be?

0:38:160:38:18

Do you want to be red or blue or...?

0:38:180:38:20

-Black.

-Black, here we go.

0:38:200:38:22

Can I be the iron?

0:38:220:38:23

Which way are you going to go? Are you going to go right...?

0:38:250:38:28

LAUGHTER

0:38:290:38:32

I don't know why that's pleased me so much.

0:38:360:38:38

It went miles, it went miles, viewer!

0:38:400:38:42

That'll be under someone's feet.

0:38:420:38:44

Croquet, it was an Olympic sport.

0:38:440:38:46

And it should be still.

0:38:460:38:47

It was dropped after 1900

0:38:470:38:49

because only one person turned up to watch, so...

0:38:490:38:51

But the reason it's interesting is because the very first women to

0:38:520:38:56

take part in the Olympics took part as part of the French croquet team.

0:38:560:38:59

So there were seven men and three women.

0:38:590:39:01

And it was thought to be rather racy

0:39:010:39:02

because it was a game where men and women played on equal footing.

0:39:020:39:05

There's a wonderful quote from the American Christian Review,

0:39:050:39:08

in 1878, said, "Croquet would lead to moral decline in American women,

0:39:080:39:13

"and consequences would include absence from church,

0:39:130:39:17

"immoral conduct and eventually ruin."

0:39:170:39:20

-True, though.

-That's a very pessimistic view, isn't it, really?

0:39:230:39:26

I love that. Anybody know the connection between

0:39:260:39:29

croquet and Pall Mall, the great street in London?

0:39:290:39:32

They played croquet upon it?

0:39:320:39:34

Yes, they did. It is in fact where croquet comes from.

0:39:340:39:37

An Italian game, 17th century game called Palle-Malle.

0:39:370:39:40

And both Pall Mall and the Mall were designed

0:39:400:39:42

specifically to play this game.

0:39:420:39:44

They whacked the ball up the course

0:39:440:39:46

and then they had to shoot a ball through a suspended

0:39:460:39:48

hoop at the end, and that's where we begin to get croquet from.

0:39:480:39:50

-That's much more like Quidditch.

-It is, yes.

0:39:500:39:53

There are people who play actual Quidditch near where I live.

0:39:530:39:57

They run around with broomsticks between their legs.

0:39:570:40:00

None of them can fly.

0:40:000:40:02

That is what leads inevitably to ruin.

0:40:030:40:06

-To ruin.

-Yes.

0:40:060:40:08

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:40:080:40:10

So, the name comes from the Italian pallamaglio.

0:40:140:40:17

Palla - ball and maglio - mallet.

0:40:170:40:19

And it's where we get mall from, shopping mall,

0:40:190:40:21

we get it from the Mall and all those wonderful games.

0:40:210:40:24

Can I have my things back, please?

0:40:240:40:26

I've lost the black, I'm sorry, it's gone.

0:40:260:40:29

Now, which oath do doctors swear before entering practice?

0:40:290:40:33

-Hippocratic?

-Yay!

0:40:330:40:35

SIREN BLARES

0:40:350:40:38

They don't. It turns out they don't.

0:40:380:40:39

-They don't.

-Yeah, I knew that they didn't.

0:40:390:40:41

You knew that?

0:40:410:40:42

-A doctor friend of mine said, "Oh, no, we don't."

-No.

0:40:420:40:44

I was very disappointed.

0:40:440:40:46

Yeah, "We do what we like."

0:40:460:40:47

Fingers crossed all the way.

0:40:480:40:50

"We do what we fancy, we know all the stuff

0:40:500:40:52

"and then we do what we like."

0:40:520:40:53

They do take sometimes an oath called

0:40:550:40:56

the General Medical Council's Guidance on Good Practice,

0:40:560:40:59

but the Hippocratic Oath that we talk about, they don't.

0:40:590:41:02

Although it's got some great stuff in it, the Hippocratic Oath.

0:41:020:41:04

Don't have sex with patients, that kind of thing, you know.

0:41:040:41:07

I think that's quite good.

0:41:070:41:08

Don't remove the kidney or bladder stones,

0:41:080:41:10

that's part of the Hippocratic Oath.

0:41:100:41:12

-I didn't know the Hippocratic Oath was this specific.

-Yeah!

0:41:120:41:15

I thought it was like general, airy-fairy, try and do good.

0:41:150:41:18

-No, no, no, no.

-"Airy-fairy, try and do good?"

0:41:180:41:21

Yeah. If a patient is ill, try and make him better, or her better.

0:41:210:41:24

The bit you are thinking of is "first do no harm".

0:41:240:41:27

It actually comes from another part of Hippocrates' work.

0:41:270:41:30

But in fact we don't even think he wrote the oath.

0:41:300:41:32

It appears about a century after he popped his own clogs,

0:41:320:41:35

so it's probably one of his students.

0:41:350:41:37

But the doctors in America do take a more modern oath.

0:41:370:41:39

Does anybody know what it's called?

0:41:390:41:41

It's named after a pasta dish.

0:41:410:41:44

Carbonara.

0:41:440:41:46

-Ravioli.

-The oath of ravioli, I like that.

0:41:470:41:51

-The oath of Bolognese.

-The oath of Bolognese.

0:41:510:41:53

-Lasagna?

-Yes, it's the Oath of Lasagna, you're absolutely right,

0:41:530:41:56

written by a doctor in 1964 called Louis Lasagna.

0:41:560:42:00

And at the end of all that, it is time for the scores.

0:42:020:42:05

In first place, our employee of the week, with minus two, is David.

0:42:050:42:12

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:120:42:14

Performing adequately with minus five, it's Richard.

0:42:170:42:20

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

0:42:200:42:23

On a final warning with minus seven, Deirdre.

0:42:230:42:26

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:260:42:28

And clearing their desk with minus 49 points...

0:42:290:42:33

..Alan!

0:42:330:42:35

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:350:42:38

And of course we have a prize for our winner.

0:42:430:42:46

This week's objectionable object is

0:42:460:42:49

this lovely Queen Victoria milk jug.

0:42:490:42:53

That's for you, David, because you can't have a show without prizes.

0:42:530:42:56

Lovely.

0:42:560:42:58

It only remains for me to thank Deirdre, Richard, David and Alan.

0:42:580:43:00

Now it's time to clock out, and to encourage you all to leave,

0:43:000:43:03

we've left a massive cheese in the car park. Goodnight.

0:43:030:43:06

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