Odds and Ends QI XL


Odds and Ends

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APPLAUSE

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Good evening, and welcome to QI,

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where tonight we're up in the attic rootling through the tea chests

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and old suitcases in search of Quite Interesting Odds And Ends.

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And joining me on my rummage are an absolute treasure,

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Romesh Ranganathan...

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APPLAUSE

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..a collector's item, Liza Tarbuck...

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APPLAUSE

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-..a guest of rare antiquity, Matt Lucas.

-Hello.

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APPLAUSE

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And look who else we've managed to dig up - Alan Davies.

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APPLAUSE

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Right, their buzzers are an O-ssortment of odds and sods.

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Romesh goes...

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# Bits and pieces, bits and pieces. #

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Liza goes...

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# I said I've had too much of this and that. #

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Oh, I like that. Matt goes...

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# Needles and pins. #

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-These are jolly, aren't they? LIZA:

-They are.

-Ha. And Alan goes...

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# Sex and drugs and rock and roll is very cool indeed. #

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LAUGHTER

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OK, how's this for openers - what would you open with these?

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So, let's have a quick look.

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I've got number one here. Do you want to have a look?

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A door? A lock or something like that?

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Well, it's going to certainly open something that's difficult to open.

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A safe, a suitcase.

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Your heart.

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That would be a story, I tell you.

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-Is it a device for...

-Yes?

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..opening two unexploded party poppers?

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-Oh, I want it to be that.

-Yeah.

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I see that you're wearing a very fine watch there, Romesh.

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-What do you think that it might be?

-It's for a watch.

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That's why we have you on this show,

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it's the sharpness of the mind that is so fantastic.

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Is it...? No.

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No.

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It's the back case cover opener.

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Yeah, so for a lady's...

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With a simple action, you can get the things closer together,

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or indeed further apart.

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Yeah. So it could do a lady's watch or a gentleman's watch.

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And, also, you can measure the girth of your penis with it.

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Maybe YOU can, mate.

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You could measure the length of yours with that.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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How did we get there so quickly!

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I just don't understand the applause of recognition

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from members of the audience.

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-Yes?

-What...? Do you actually know? What do you do?

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I'm not sure your watch is worth opening.

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Thank you, Sandi. I was thinking to myself, I feel a bit victimised,

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-it's been...

-Sorry, I'm sorry.

-But I don't mind, I don't mind

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people talking about my penis, but my watch...!

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-That's a step too far.

-OK. Let's have a look at this one.

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You guys can have a look at that one

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and see what you think of that. That's number two.

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Well, it's gynaecological, isn't it? If we're opening something.

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It is opening something, but you may be at the wrong end.

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Is that for, when you do a heart transplant, keeping the chest open?

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-LIZA:

-Oh!

-So this thing here is also used in the same area.

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-So this is another...

-Oh, now you're talking.

-Yeah. LIZA:

-Is it mouthy?

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-It is mouthy, darling, yes.

-OK.

-It's on the mouth side,

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do you want to try that? So it's something to do with the mouth.

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-So it's keeping the mouth...

-Yeah.

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So, if you see, Matt, the thing that it's got, it ratchets open,

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-but you would...

-Is that right?

-It is.

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So what is that for?

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Turning the mouth into a...into a letterbox or something?

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They can edit that out.

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But the thing is, you can't get it out, Sandi, so...

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It's a cheap retractor. That's exactly how it works.

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-Is it?

-And so is that.

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-No, so don't put that bit in your mouth, darling.

-Oh.

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I sound like a school teacher. Don't put that bit in your mouth, darling.

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Put the black bit into your mouth, so...

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Yes, so the middle bit, you put that in.

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Well, how? My mouth isn't that big.

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Well, you've got to close it first. The thing.

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Oh. What, so put that in?

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No, put it around the other way, I think.

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-LIZA:

-I've been handling that.

-The other way?

-No, no.

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I usually have someone who looks after me.

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And they help me out with things like this.

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-I'm a little overwhelmed at this time.

-You were heading

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-in the right direction.

-What, in there?

-Yes, put that in like that.

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-And then open it up.

-This?

-Yes. And it... Yeah.

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That's exactly... It holds the patient's mouth open

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while they're having dental treatment.

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-It's the stuff of dreams, isn't it?

-Oh, yeah.

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-What about this one? Anybody got any thoughts what that is?

-Oh. Wow.

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So it's all about openings.

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-LIZA:

-If I was drunk, I'd say something that...I won't say it now.

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-No, go on, treat yourself.

-Er, no, I can't possibly.

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-Are you thinking about a butt plug?

-LIZA:

-Yes.

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Hold on, what are you, you're trying to get into the butt?

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Well, it's a drill, isn't it?

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-ALAN:

-We had a secret Santa once and I...

-Bloody hell.

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And I bought...

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I bought this thing called a back door beginner.

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It was quite a small one.

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Why do you want to plug your butt?

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-Oh, well...

-Well...

-Well, basically...

-Yes?

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Isn't it to do with re-educating the muscle to tighten again?

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-LIZA:

-Oh.

-"Re-educating" your arse!

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"Mum, Mum, I've got a lovely new job, I'm in education."

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Do you want to have a look? You can have a look. No?

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-Is it anything to do with wine?

-No, no, it isn't anything

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to do with wine. We're still in the human body. In fact, weirdly,

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we're in exactly the same place as we were before with the mouth thing.

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-In the mouth?

-And, so, what it is, it's an emergency mouth-opener.

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So, say somebody had got lockjaw or there was some reason why they

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couldn't open their mouth, it is an emergency way of opening the mouth.

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Can I advise that you use it as that before you use it as a butt plug?

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-Have you got number four there?

-Yes.

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OK. What do you think that might be?

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Be very careful. I do not want you to hurt yourself.

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I believe that is used for injuring panel show contestants.

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It's upside down right now. There you go.

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-It's upside down.

-Incredibly heavy.

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It's all the straps, it feels like it's something to do with a horse.

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-It is exactly something to do with a horse. LIZA:

-Thank God!

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-Yeah. It is an equine mouth-opener. ALAN:

-Oh.

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It is used by vets to hold the horse's mouth open.

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Sometimes their teeth need rasping, because they get a sort of

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sharp point with their teeth and it hurts them with the bit.

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And so you need to open their mouth and just file it down.

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So, dental work for horses.

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Yeah, so it's quite a...

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It is quite a sharp...

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LAUGHTER

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Let's try the next one. Any thoughts about that?

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-LIZA:

-It's a piercing for something. What shape is it going into?

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Ah, well that's to put a hole into your bottom

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if you don't already have one.

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Do you know, it looks like a chipolata torturing device,

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-is what it looks like.

-Why would you want to torture a chipolata?

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If you're, like, a militant vegan, or something, I don't know.

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-Yeah, yeah. It isn't that.

-This looks quite kitcheny.

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-It is kitcheny.

-Is it for an egg?

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No, it isn't. It is an oyster opener, an oyster shucker.

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So, rather than inserting a knife, where you can actually hurt

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yourself, you do it with one of those. The other thing to do

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is go to a nice restaurant, and somebody will do it for you,

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which I think is even easier.

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On the food front, I have one of these which I...

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-LIZA:

-Oh, hello.

-It seems slightly pointless.

-Is it an egg?

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It's an egg opener. Want to try it, anybody?

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-No, I'm fine, thank you.

-Come on, I'll have a go.

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OK, the boys will do this, there we go.

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-So you put it round the egg and squeeze it?

-Yeah.

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Well, I think you have to squeeze and then twist it off,

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like a sort of beheading. OK.

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Is this going to be a trick egg?

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No, darling, honestly, it's just boiled.

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Give it a turn at the same time. EGGSHELL CRACKS

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There.

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-Ah, that is good, it makes the egg look hideous.

-Yeah.

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-I had to hold it...

-A useful little tool.

-Yeah.

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I had to hold it so tight, I'm glad it was already...

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Cos the easiest way to do an egg, what you need to do is

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you need to break both ends, like that, and then you roll it...

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-LIZA:

-Ooh, hello.

-..like this and then the shell just comes off

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unbelievably quickly. See? Like that.

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And you don't need...

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I love eggs, they're great, aren't they?

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-They're very realistic-looking, those prop eggs, aren't they?

-Yes.

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-Very clever.

-I don't think that egg was cooked recently, was it?

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So, that closes openers. And now, an odourless question.

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Where can you find the largest collection

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of things that don't smell?

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# ..pins. #

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-Matt?

-Is it in the sea?

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Oh, right. Why do you think that?

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Because, I mean, there's salt,

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but salt doesn't have a very strong smell.

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-No. And neither do fish, famously.

-No.

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But I, what I am proposing...

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-Yes, yes?

-..and I'm clever, is...

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..is that once you're under the water...

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-Right?

-..you can't smell.

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Have you tried to smell under the water, anybody?

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That doesn't mean it doesn't smell.

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Well, if a tree falls in the forest...

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-..and it doesn't smell...

-No.

-..then...it... Yeah.

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-We are in the town where I was born.

-Copenhagen?

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Copenhagen, we're in wonderful, wonderful Copenhagen.

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What are the things that old statues might lose as they get

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transported about, or over the years? What might they lose?

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-Fingers.

-Private parts.

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OK, yes, I was going to, again, go higher,

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but you've just gone with that side of the thing.

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Noses, they lose their noses,

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and, so, there is THE most glorious art museum in Copenhagen,

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it's called the Ny Carlsberg Glyptotek

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and it contains a Nasothek. It is a collection of noses.

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In the 19th century, museums used to repair them,

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so there used to be a collection of noses used to repair statues.

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This was a thing that we don't do any more

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because now we think we should leave the statue exactly as it is.

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Have we got any photos from the penis museum?

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Yes, is the truth of it.

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Lots of statues lost their penises - that is entirely true.

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-Right.

-But that was on purpose, wasn't it?

-Due to prudery, yeah.

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-Yeah, absolutely.

-So about 80% of the male nude statues

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-in the Vatican Gardens are missing their members.

-Oh, no,

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cos I just thought I was average.

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-Are you saying they've been taken off?

-They've been taken off

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and they say there's a secret room

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in the Vatican that has all of them in it.

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-Sandi, I've listened to your explanation...

-Yes.

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..and I'm still going with under the sea.

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Well, that's fine, darling, you're just not going to win. So...

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But, bizarrely, the Copenhagen Nasothek

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is not the only false nose collection in Scandinavia.

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There's a Nose Academy at Lund in Sweden

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where you can find, supposedly, a plaster cast

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of the great botanist there Carl Linnaeus

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and the cast of the legendary silver nose

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of the Danish astronomer Tycho Brahe.

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There's also an unknown nose,

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which is a monument to the nose of the common man

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who didn't qualify for nasal immortality.

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-No-one NOSE.

-Nobody NOSE, exactly.

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If your statue has no nose, it might be found in a museum in Copenhagen.

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So, here's a collection of odd-sounding O words

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and I'd like you to pick one and use it in a sentence, please.

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A cum-spliff, what the f...?

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LAUGHTER

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-BAD DUTCH ACCENT:

-"Oh, ja, a cum-spliff.

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LAUGHTER

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-"Ja, cum-spliff, ja."

-It doesn't take long,

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-it doesn't take long at all.

-"Oppenchops, cum-spliff."

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Are you doing, are you doing "oojah-cum-spliff?"

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-Yeah...

-Is that your one?

-Doing a cum-spliff.

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-What is your sentence, please, Alan?

-"Oh, ja, a cum-spliff."

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It's a...

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It's a Dutchman having a joint in a brothel.

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-Cum-spliff?

-I don't want it, I don't want it.

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Get it away from me, man.

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You'd be no fun in a brothel, would you?

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"Oh, look at Rom, he doesn't want the cum-spliff, what a prude!"

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-Oojah-cum-spliff means all fine and dandy.

-Yeah, I bet it does.

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-Earliest use found in PG Wodehouse.

-I've got one.

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-Yeah, go on, then, Matt.

-Tottenham had their best season for years,

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they came first in the league... Ohnosecond.

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Oh, very good. OK. Ohnosecond. So it's sort of right, actually,

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-cos in computing...

-Well, it is right, they didn't win

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-anything at all.

-No, in...

-They've won nothing for years.

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-They're rubbish.

-But actually, your definition for it

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is not too far off, because in computing what it is,

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it's the moment you realise you've made a mistake.

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So it is a computing, you go, "Oh, no" second.

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-Oh, right. OK.

-I don't think yours was too far off.

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-Come on, Liza, let's have one from you.

-I'm drawn to "obsolagnium."

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OK. It's not a good word, it's waning sexual desire due to age.

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And I was drawn to it.

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-ALAN:

-You're surrounded by it at the moment.

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-LIZA:

-It's a hell of a sandwich.

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-ALAN:

-When I change my little boy's nappy,

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it's full of ottomotty and oozle, absolutely...

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So, ottymotty, Lancastrian slang for being perplexed.

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And oozle, it's Australian slang to move slowly.

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IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: Can I oozle along to the barbie?

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-IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-This guy's oozling a little bit.

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Oppenchops, Lancastrian slang for a gossip.

0:14:010:14:04

-Octodesexcentenary.

-OK, that is probably the strangest, I think.

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It's the 100th anniversary of when your octopus's penis fell off.

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It is...it is a really specific thing.

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It's something that lasts 592 years.

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It arose in connection with a particular calendar, the lunar solar

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calendar, devised by a 17th-century mathematician called Thomas Lydiat.

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-And he thought of the word?

-And he thought of the word.

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-It is a very specific word for 592.

-I'd have loved him.

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Not with your waning sexual desire.

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Now, brace, brace, brace!

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I don't, I don't think that's funny.

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-I don't think that's funny.

-That hit me on the nose.

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-That is awful.

-Well, we know where we can get another one.

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Fortunately, we can get oxygen for you and a new nose, you're absolutely right, Liza.

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I'll take you to Copenhagen, we'll sort your nose out.

0:14:580:15:00

So, my question is, what's in the canister

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on the other end of the pipe that you've got?

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Oxygen?

0:15:050:15:07

-Oh, no.

-He said it.

-No, he said it.

-You said it.

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-He said it.

-Don't put the blame on me.

-He said it, 100% he said it.

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I quite like hearing all of you as if you were quite a long way away.

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I've never seen you look better, Matt,

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that's a really good look for you. I really like that.

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-Thank you very much.

-It is not oxygen.

-Not oxygen.

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No, it's a mix of chemicals that make oxygen.

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It's something called an oxygen candle.

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So, there's a very fine white powder, and a spark is generated

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and it sets off a chemical reaction which releases oxygen.

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But these canisters, there are oxides and they basically

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take up a whole lot less room than a whole tank of oxygen.

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I think you both look absolutely fantastic!

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Typically, an oxygen candle will last 20 minutes.

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But it's enough time for the plane to get down to where you can

0:15:490:15:52

breathe the air. But in the early years of commercial flights,

0:15:520:15:54

so before the pressurised cabin was invented, airline passengers

0:15:540:15:57

sometimes did have to wear oxygen masks during the actual flight.

0:15:570:16:00

-That is a great image if you're nervous flyer, isn't it?

-Yeah.

0:16:000:16:04

Sort of ferrying people

0:16:040:16:05

to the Hannibal Lecter auditions, aren't they?

0:16:050:16:09

Fighter pilots breathe a mixture of oxygen

0:16:090:16:11

and air depending on the altitude.

0:16:110:16:13

Sometimes if they're really high, it's 100% oxygen is supplied

0:16:130:16:15

and then in order to let that happen,

0:16:150:16:17

the pilot actually has to relax their diaphragm to allow the oxygen

0:16:170:16:20

to enter and then they have to forcibly expel the air

0:16:200:16:22

and that means they can only talk while they're breathing in.

0:16:220:16:25

And they have so much witty banter to get on with

0:16:250:16:27

-with the other pilots...

-I know!

-..don't they?

0:16:270:16:30

-Yes, saying, "I'm on his back."

-Yeah, "12 o'clock."

0:16:300:16:32

-"I've got your arse."

-I know, all of that.

0:16:320:16:35

-LIZA:

-Does it happen automatically for them?

0:16:350:16:37

They don't have to think about it?

0:16:370:16:38

They have to be trained in order to make the diaphragm work properly.

0:16:380:16:41

-ALAN:

-Do they wear nappies? Is that true?

0:16:410:16:43

Well, they're called Mags, moisture absorption garments,

0:16:430:16:46

the nappies that are worn by aircraft pilots and by space...

0:16:460:16:50

..space people? Astronauts, they're called.

0:16:500:16:53

-Space people!

-Space people.

0:16:540:16:57

That's in America. Over here, we call them Huggies.

0:16:570:17:00

Right, let's give a really hard pull on the pipe and it will...

0:17:020:17:05

We can get rid of it, there we go.

0:17:050:17:06

Wonderful. Now, from planes to trains.

0:17:060:17:09

On which train did the Murder On The Orient Express take place?

0:17:090:17:13

The Orient Express.

0:17:130:17:14

-You're a good sport, Alan.

-You're a very good sport.

-Thank you so much.

0:17:170:17:20

Well, sometimes, you know, they go, yes, that's correct.

0:17:200:17:22

-"Yes, that is correct."

-But never when I say it.

-No.

0:17:220:17:25

The murder took place on AN Orient Express,

0:17:250:17:27

but not the one that you are thinking of. So...

0:17:270:17:30

Well, no, we're thinking of the one that the murder took place on.

0:17:300:17:33

Yeah, exactly, that's right.

0:17:330:17:34

I'm sorry, I didn't know you lived inside my brain.

0:17:350:17:38

Well, there were several train services in the 1930s which

0:17:380:17:41

included the words "Orient Express" in the name. And...

0:17:410:17:44

Yeah, and those are the ones we were thinking of.

0:17:440:17:47

Well, what is the full name

0:17:470:17:48

of the one where the murder took place, then?

0:17:480:17:50

We were thinking of the one where it took place.

0:17:500:17:53

We don't have to say the name of it.

0:17:530:17:55

We just... All of us demand the points.

0:17:560:17:59

Sorry. There were lots of different Orient Expresses.

0:18:010:18:04

Agatha Christie's took place on the Simplon...

0:18:040:18:06

Simplon Orient Express, yes. Yes.

0:18:060:18:09

-Yes. Named after?

-It's Peter Express.

-Mr Simplon.

-I don't know.

0:18:090:18:14

I thought you said Pizza Express.

0:18:170:18:19

-No, Peter Express, the inventor of...

-Lent his name to a train.

0:18:190:18:23

The Simplon Orient Express, named after the Alpine tunnel,

0:18:240:18:26

and that linked Calais and Paris and Istanbul every day.

0:18:260:18:29

There is a different train service,

0:18:290:18:30

commonly known as THE Orient Express,

0:18:300:18:32

and that only carried Paris/Istanbul cars three times a week.

0:18:320:18:36

-I didn't even know that one existed.

-Have you been on it?

-No.

0:18:360:18:39

Oh, it's the most marvellous experience.

0:18:390:18:41

-It's absolutely fantastic.

-Is it?

-Yeah, it really is worth it.

0:18:410:18:43

It's eye-wateringly expensive, but you get a butler of your own.

0:18:430:18:46

And I took my mother, it was for her birthday,

0:18:460:18:48

and the butler came along and he said,

0:18:480:18:50

"Good evening, madam, my name is Tybalt," and you just think, "Wow,

0:18:500:18:53

"it's... The guy from Romeo and Juliet is going to service me."

0:18:530:18:56

Was there Wi-Fi or 3G on the Orient Express?

0:18:580:19:02

-Because that for me is generally the...

-No.

0:19:020:19:05

That's what they meant,

0:19:050:19:06

there's no Wi-Fi, it is murder on the Orient Express.

0:19:060:19:09

As you go to bad, there's a tiny hook by your bed

0:19:100:19:13

and I said to Tybalt, "What is the hook for?"

0:19:130:19:15

He said, "That's for your pocket watch, madam."

0:19:150:19:18

-Really?

-A watch hook?

-A watch hook.

0:19:180:19:20

-But there was an actual murder on the Orient Express. LIZA:

-Was there?

0:19:200:19:23

Yes, the actual Orient Express, not the Simplon one.

0:19:230:19:25

So, 1935, a year after Agatha Christie's novel was published,

0:19:250:19:29

there was a very wealthy Romanian woman

0:19:290:19:31

and she was robbed by a man she was sharing a compartment with

0:19:310:19:33

and she was pushed through a window.

0:19:330:19:35

And I love this, because it is very Agatha Christie,

0:19:350:19:37

the killer was traced thanks to a silver fox scarf

0:19:370:19:40

that he had stolen from her.

0:19:400:19:42

In 1920, a man staggered into a signal box

0:19:420:19:45

dressed only in his nightshirt and he claimed

0:19:450:19:47

he was the French president Paul Deschanel

0:19:470:19:50

and that he had accidentally fallen from the train

0:19:500:19:52

and of course they thought he was bonkers.

0:19:520:19:55

So the signalman replied, "And I'm Napoleon Bonaparte."

0:19:550:19:57

Anyway, it turned out he really was the President of France.

0:19:570:20:00

In those days, the train's sleeping compartments,

0:20:000:20:02

they had sash windows and he had taken some sleeping pills

0:20:020:20:05

and he'd accidentally fallen out of the window.

0:20:050:20:07

Do you know the irony is, if they had Wi-Fi,

0:20:070:20:09

-could've just googled him.

-Yeah.

0:20:090:20:10

-And he would've solved that straightaway.

-You see?

0:20:100:20:13

-Yeah.

-Think about that.

0:20:130:20:14

But he was wonderfully eccentric.

0:20:140:20:16

He once received the British ambassador to France

0:20:160:20:19

completely naked except for his ceremonial decorations,

0:20:190:20:21

which I think is splendid.

0:20:210:20:23

He was, eventually, institutionalised

0:20:230:20:25

in a place for the mentally infirm.

0:20:250:20:27

And still, and this is a measure of how relaxed the French are,

0:20:270:20:30

re-elected to the Senate.

0:20:300:20:31

The Orient Express was developed by a Belgian businessman

0:20:380:20:40

called George Nagelmackers.

0:20:400:20:43

Made its very first trip in 1883.

0:20:440:20:46

The first menu on board - oysters, soup with Italian pasta,

0:20:460:20:49

turbot with green sauce, chicken a la chasseur,

0:20:490:20:52

fillet of beef with chateau potatoes

0:20:520:20:54

chaud-froid of game animals, lettuce,

0:20:540:20:56

chocolate pudding and a buffet of desserts.

0:20:560:20:58

And when I was on board, for breakfast we had lobster thermidor

0:20:580:21:01

and they'd laid all the cutlery out

0:21:010:21:02

and there was a little sort of strange flattened spoon

0:21:020:21:04

and I said, "What's that for?"

0:21:040:21:06

"That is your lobster gravy spoon, madam." Wonderful.

0:21:060:21:09

-Lobster...

-It's completely flat?

-LIZA:

-Why's it flat?

0:21:090:21:11

It was so that you can scoop all the lobster gravy towards you.

0:21:110:21:14

-A piece of bread would do that, wouldn't it?

-Yeah.

0:21:140:21:17

-You're absolutely right. I didn't rush out to buy one.

-Yes.

0:21:170:21:21

-ALAN:

-I imagine a lobster with a couple of spoons.

0:21:210:21:24

"Where's my breakfast?"

0:21:250:21:27

Here's the odd thing that I know about lobsters.

0:21:290:21:31

Did you know that lobsters are left and right clawed

0:21:310:21:33

in the same percentage as human beings are left and right-handed?

0:21:330:21:36

-Yeah.

-Strange. Yeah? Sorry. OK.

0:21:360:21:39

The Murder On The Orient Express took place on AN Orient Express,

0:21:400:21:43

not THE Orient Express.

0:21:430:21:45

So, still on Agatha Christie, naturally my next question is...

0:21:450:21:49

..whodunnit?

0:21:490:21:50

-The killer.

-The killer dunnit.

-Yes.

-That's a given, I think, yeah.

0:21:500:21:54

The murderer.

0:21:540:21:56

-Anyone in the audience?

-Butler.

-Butler.

-The butler.

0:21:560:21:58

Yeah.

0:22:000:22:02

So, here's a spoiler alert,

0:22:020:22:03

the butler did not do it in any of Agatha Christie's books.

0:22:030:22:06

So, The Three Act Tragedy, the murderer appears to be the butler

0:22:060:22:10

but it's actually somebody pretending to be a butler.

0:22:100:22:14

And Then There Were None, Rogers, the butler, and...

0:22:140:22:16

Hang on a minute, you're going to give them all away.

0:22:160:22:18

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

0:22:180:22:19

Murder On The Orient Express, a valet is one of the 12 people

0:22:190:22:23

who murder Samuel Ratchett, but a valet is not a butler.

0:22:230:22:26

What's the difference between a valet and a butler?

0:22:260:22:28

A valet parks your car.

0:22:280:22:30

-Yes. LIZA:

-A gentleman's maid.

0:22:310:22:34

He's a gentleman's, sort of a gentleman's maid.

0:22:340:22:36

-So he looks after the guy's appearance and everything.

-A PA.

0:22:360:22:39

Yeah. And a butler is the chief male servant in a household

0:22:390:22:41

so he's in charge of the other employees and receiving guests

0:22:410:22:44

and all that kind of thing.

0:22:440:22:46

The butlers are in demand again, did you know this?

0:22:460:22:48

There's a huge demand for butlers,

0:22:480:22:50

especially in places like China and in Russia.

0:22:500:22:52

It's known as the Downton Abbey effect.

0:22:520:22:55

Everybody wants their own Mr Carson.

0:22:550:22:57

It takes ten weeks to train to be a butler at the international...

0:22:570:22:59

-No, it takes a lifetime.

-Yep.

0:22:590:23:02

What task are they performing there? That's insane.

0:23:020:23:06

Just put the glass on the tray, mate, common sense,

0:23:060:23:08

do you know what I mean?

0:23:080:23:10

That's Britain's Got Talent backstage.

0:23:100:23:11

-LIZA:

-This is just to make it look like they do something, isn't it?

0:23:110:23:14

-ALAN:

-Someone shouting, "Where is the glass? Where's the glass?"

0:23:140:23:17

"I don't know, I don't know where the glass is!"

0:23:170:23:20

It is a very old job, the word actually comes from

0:23:220:23:24

the medieval Latin for a cask

0:23:240:23:26

so that's why a beer cellar in medieval times

0:23:260:23:28

was known as the buttery.

0:23:280:23:29

People sometimes think it's a place where you made food

0:23:290:23:32

but it wasn't at all, it was the place where the wooden casks were.

0:23:320:23:34

They were in charge of all the bottles. Anyway...

0:23:340:23:37

When it comes to Christie, the butler never did dunnit.

0:23:370:23:40

Here's a list of organs.

0:23:400:23:41

You all own one of them, but which is it?

0:23:410:23:45

-Well, I would have thought a sperm stomach...

-Yes?

0:23:450:23:49

..would have been for a whale.

0:23:490:23:51

Oh, OK. It is for an animal.

0:23:510:23:53

It is, strictly speaking, called a bursa copulatrix.

0:23:530:23:56

It's not for a whale. Where might you find such a thing?

0:23:560:23:59

It's tiny, a tiny little... Tiny.

0:23:590:24:01

-So it's a bird?

-No.

-Then why were you doing that?

0:24:010:24:05

-No, but it is...

-Oh.

0:24:050:24:06

But, no, in fairness, it is clearly an animal that flies...

0:24:060:24:09

-A butterfly.

-Yes. No, he got it. Butterfly.

-Butterfly.

0:24:090:24:12

-It is a butterfly.

-Oh. Sandi did a mime that, what else could it be?

0:24:120:24:15

-Seriously, was a butterfly. It's...

-I thought it was a bunny waving.

0:24:150:24:18

-It's their... No, that's that, that's a bunny waving.

-Oh, yeah.

0:24:180:24:22

This is clearly a butterfly.

0:24:220:24:24

No, that's a bunny waving with its ears. I was using the paws.

0:24:240:24:27

Do you know, sometimes I feel unwell on this programme?

0:24:290:24:33

Well, you're the ones that invented bunnies that wave with their ears.

0:24:330:24:36

You're right, I wasn't thinking it through.

0:24:360:24:37

-That's a ridiculous thought.

-No, exactly.

-It's clearly...

0:24:370:24:40

-That's that, isn't it?

-Clearly.

-And this is...

0:24:400:24:42

I don't believe I'm doing this.

0:24:420:24:44

It's the reproductive system for the butterfly,

0:24:440:24:47

and it digests nutrients from the male's sperm package.

0:24:470:24:51

I thought that was the name of the butterfly.

0:24:510:24:54

All female butterflies will have a sperm stomach.

0:24:560:24:59

-Right.

-And they get nutrients out of the male sperm...

0:24:590:25:01

I'm going to say package.

0:25:010:25:02

But the bit at the bottom that says bursa copulatrix,

0:25:020:25:05

that's actually the sperm stomach.

0:25:050:25:06

Right, let's try some more. Let's see.

0:25:060:25:09

So we're looking for the organ that we have.

0:25:090:25:11

We do not have a sperm stomach.

0:25:110:25:13

Have you got a smart vagina?

0:25:130:25:15

I... It's terribly tidy. Um...

0:25:150:25:17

I have a woman in twice a week.

0:25:190:25:21

No, I do not, but some animals do. Grevy's zebra, for example.

0:25:320:25:36

And they can co-ordinate the muscular contractions in order

0:25:360:25:39

to flush out semen if a male fails to live up to expectations.

0:25:390:25:44

And here's the depressing thing for the boy - the sperm dumping

0:25:450:25:48

can happen even before the underperforming male has dismounted.

0:25:480:25:54

She just goes, "Boof, not having it. No."

0:25:540:25:57

So, genetically, she knows that this guy isn't the best she could do?

0:25:580:26:01

-That's exactly right, she has decided.

-So, regarding

0:26:010:26:04

-babies and stuff?

-Yeah, he's not the best gene pool.

-Yeah.

0:26:040:26:06

Better to do that than shake him off.

0:26:060:26:09

-You don't want to cause trouble, do you?

-Don't want to make a scene.

0:26:090:26:11

-No.

-You might then put off the other zebras. They'll think,

0:26:110:26:14

-"Well, she looks tricky. She's just thrown him over a fence."

-Yes.

0:26:140:26:16

"I'll tell you what, mate, I wouldn't bother with her,

0:26:160:26:19

"she's got one of them new-fangled smart vaginas."

0:26:190:26:21

-So, that's probably got Wi-Fi, too, hasn't it?

-Yeah, I would say.

0:26:240:26:27

And are the zebras' sperms stripy?

0:26:290:26:33

Yes.

0:26:360:26:38

They look like little humbugs.

0:26:390:26:41

So, we're still looking for the thing that we have.

0:26:420:26:45

We don't have a sperm stomach, we don't have a smart vagina.

0:26:450:26:47

-What might we have? One of those.

-Have we got a mesentery?

0:26:470:26:50

-A mesentery?

-We absolutely do,

0:26:500:26:52

that is the very thing that we were looking for. We do have a mesentery.

0:26:520:26:57

And it, basically, it's a fairly recent thing,

0:26:570:26:59

it connects the intestine to the stomach,

0:26:590:27:01

and we did not know that it was actually an organ in its own right.

0:27:010:27:04

So there's a chap called Professor J Calvin Coffey,

0:27:040:27:06

from the University of Limerick.

0:27:060:27:08

And he says, "Without it, you can't live. There are no reported

0:27:080:27:12

"incidents of a Homo sapiens living without a mesentery."

0:27:120:27:16

And nobody entirely knows what it does.

0:27:160:27:19

"We've established anatomy and structure

0:27:190:27:21

"and the next step is function."

0:27:210:27:23

Intriguingly, one of the earliest descriptions of its structure

0:27:230:27:26

was by Leonardo da Vinci, so we've been aware of its existence

0:27:260:27:30

for an incredibly long time.

0:27:300:27:32

Let's have a quick look at the other ones. Paddywhack, anybody?

0:27:320:27:35

Well, it makes me think of a dog chew.

0:27:350:27:37

-That is exactly right. Give the dog a bone, right?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

0:27:370:27:39

So, dried paddywhack is sometimes sold as a dog treat,

0:27:390:27:42

which is where we get the saying from.

0:27:420:27:45

Is it something from a pig, then?

0:27:450:27:47

It's the load-bearing ligament in the neck of sheep or cattle.

0:27:470:27:50

It connects the head to the spine.

0:27:500:27:52

And the other two that we didn't have a look at -

0:27:520:27:55

the schnauzerorgan, found on an elephantnose fish.

0:27:550:27:57

And it looks like a nose - it is actually an extended chin,

0:27:570:28:01

covered in sensors that can detect electric fields.

0:28:010:28:04

And the organ is so sensitive

0:28:040:28:05

that the fish can tell the difference

0:28:050:28:08

between living and dead bugs buried under the sea floor.

0:28:080:28:10

And the other one, mental glands, it's a pheromone delivery system

0:28:100:28:14

found in the male salamander's chin.

0:28:140:28:16

As part of the courtship, the male sprays his scent

0:28:160:28:19

right into the female's nostrils

0:28:190:28:21

and then he deposits a pack of sperm on the ground.

0:28:210:28:25

And if the female detects his scent with her mental glands,

0:28:250:28:28

and she wants to mate, then she'll pick it up. So she picks it up.

0:28:280:28:31

-Oh, that's nice.

-Yes, it's rather sweet.

-That's like a sort of

0:28:310:28:34

-Edwardian courtship, isn't it?

-Yes. Yes. "Madam, my sperm."

-Yes.

0:28:340:28:38

Does she then put it in her own vagina?

0:28:390:28:41

I think she sorts herself out at that point.

0:28:410:28:43

-With a lobster spoon!

-Yes.

0:28:470:28:49

She uses a lobster gravy spoon...

0:28:490:28:51

Then a lobster comes in...

0:28:530:28:55

"Do you want any help with that?

0:28:550:28:56

"Cos I've got a couple of these spoons."

0:28:560:28:59

You could hear them talk if they would come out of the sea,

0:28:590:29:02

but they stay down there.

0:29:020:29:04

They stay down there because it's not smelly, is that right, Matt?

0:29:040:29:08

I don't know where you heard that from, that's...

0:29:080:29:12

Can anybody define an organ?

0:29:120:29:13

Body part that has a function?

0:29:150:29:18

You know what, that's sort of it.

0:29:180:29:20

The governing body for anatomy,

0:29:200:29:21

the Federative International Programme

0:29:210:29:23

for Anatomical Terminology, does not define an organ.

0:29:230:29:27

The best definition that we currently have

0:29:270:29:29

is from a science historian at

0:29:290:29:31

the University of Wisconsin-Madison, Tom Broman, who said,

0:29:310:29:34

"Any solid thing in the body that does something."

0:29:340:29:36

Now, what animals begin with O

0:29:380:29:40

and are rescued more often by the Fire Brigade than cats?

0:29:400:29:44

-# ..pins. #

-Yes, Matt?

0:29:440:29:46

Is it ostriches? Because they keep burying their...

0:29:460:29:49

KLAXON

0:29:490:29:50

..burying their heads... burying their heads in the sand.

0:29:500:29:53

-And they...

-So, two things are wrong with that.

0:29:530:29:55

-Right.

-One is they don't bury their heads in the sand, that is a...

0:29:550:29:58

-Well, I...I...I am not wrong.

-No.

0:29:580:30:02

-Yes?

-I think it is an opossum.

0:30:020:30:06

Oh!

0:30:060:30:07

-The audience said owls, did we hear them?

-Owls, did we have owls?

0:30:090:30:13

You lose points!

0:30:140:30:16

Is it ocelot?

0:30:170:30:19

No.

0:30:190:30:20

-Is it the...? Is it...? Let's try this one on them.

-Yeah.

0:30:200:30:24

Is it the four-legged onion? Ah-ha! You didn't get in there, did you?

0:30:240:30:28

Ah-ha!

0:30:280:30:30

-No, it is not the four-legged onion.

-Right, OK.

0:30:300:30:32

-It's a human animal, it's an obese person.

-Oh!

0:30:320:30:34

-They now rescue...

-Oh, an obese person.

0:30:340:30:37

-Yeah.

-But they're still, hold on, they are still people.

0:30:370:30:39

"Once they get to a certain weight, they're no longer human,

0:30:390:30:42

"as far as we're concerned."

0:30:420:30:44

But we're all part of the animal kingdom. It is obese people.

0:30:440:30:48

There were more than 900 such cases from January to September in 2016.

0:30:480:30:52

Up from around 30 cases ten years ago.

0:30:520:30:55

Well done for getting up the trees, though.

0:30:550:30:57

-No, it's people not being able to leave their home.

-Suddenly you go,

0:31:000:31:03

-"There's one."

-I just saw there were loads of apples.

0:31:030:31:07

"There's one."

0:31:070:31:09

"How did you get up there?"

0:31:090:31:11

"Trampoline, it was a trampoline.

0:31:120:31:14

"But they've moved it now.

0:31:160:31:18

"Now it looks like a miracle, but it was a trampolining incident."

0:31:180:31:21

A man in Porthcawl, who weighed 38st,

0:31:210:31:24

and they were trying to get him out of the third floor,

0:31:240:31:27

and a Sea King helicopter was scrambled from

0:31:270:31:30

RAF Chivenor in Devon, so he could be winched from a skylight.

0:31:300:31:33

I think the most famous, possibly, an American man called

0:31:330:31:36

Walter Hudson, he was rescued by the American Fire Department,

0:31:360:31:39

1987, after he got wedged in his bathroom door.

0:31:390:31:42

It is estimated that he weighed 1,400lb, but it's only

0:31:420:31:46

an estimate because the industrial scale that he was being weighed on

0:31:460:31:50

broke after 1,000lb, so we don't know exactly.

0:31:500:31:53

-Hold on, that's 100st.

-Yes. Yes. 1,400lbs.

0:31:530:31:57

-Oh, that, yeah, that's 100st, yeah.

-It's 100st, yeah.

0:31:570:31:59

That's like...that's like 100st!

0:31:590:32:02

He held the Guinness World Record for the world's largest waist.

0:32:040:32:07

If you hold that end, and you hold that.

0:32:070:32:10

That would have been the size of his belt.

0:32:100:32:12

I've got a description of his average daily diet.

0:32:120:32:15

Two boxes of sausages, 1 lb of bacon, 12 eggs,

0:32:150:32:18

a loaf of bread, four hamburgers, four double cheeseburgers,

0:32:180:32:20

five large portions of fries, three ham steaks or two chickens,

0:32:200:32:23

four baked potatoes, four sweet potatoes,

0:32:230:32:25

most of a large cake, and additional snacks.

0:32:250:32:28

And an average of 6.5 litres of soda every single day.

0:32:300:32:33

Well, at least he didn't finish the cake.

0:32:330:32:35

-It's good to look on the bright side of things.

-Yeah.

0:32:370:32:39

What do we think is the fattest animal in the world?

0:32:390:32:41

Why did you look at me when you asked that question?

0:32:410:32:45

Are you talking about body fat percentage, or actual amount of fat?

0:32:450:32:48

Yeah, body fat percentage.

0:32:480:32:50

Oh, is that the...

0:32:500:32:51

Oh, that could be a tortoise, because they hibernate, that's it.

0:32:510:32:53

Yeah, but they don't hibernate, it turns out.

0:32:530:32:55

Don't they?

0:32:550:32:55

So, for years, people were putting them in boxes

0:32:550:32:57

and putting them in the cupboard under the stairs,

0:32:570:32:59

and they were just in solitary confinement.

0:32:590:33:01

No? It's called an army cutworm moth.

0:33:050:33:09

And they can achieve 72% body fat,

0:33:090:33:10

it makes them the fattest animals on Earth.

0:33:100:33:14

And they live in Yellowstone National Park,

0:33:140:33:16

so it's not always cold there,

0:33:160:33:17

but they do get themselves ready for the winter, storing up the body fat,

0:33:170:33:20

and then the bears eat them.

0:33:200:33:22

What, the bears eat them while they're hibernating?

0:33:220:33:25

They gorge on them just before winter sets in.

0:33:250:33:27

So, one bear can eat up to 40,000 moths in a day.

0:33:270:33:30

So, each moth is about an inch or two inches long,

0:33:300:33:32

and each one is about half a calorie.

0:33:320:33:34

That would be a much more sinister John Lewis Christmas ad,

0:33:340:33:36

wouldn't it -

0:33:360:33:37

just a bear feasting on tubby moths, do you know what I mean?

0:33:370:33:40

Thousands of them.

0:33:410:33:43

They eat lots and lots of nectar from wild flowers.

0:33:430:33:45

They are known as miller moths, that's their nickname,

0:33:450:33:47

because the fine scales on its wings, it rubs off easily,

0:33:470:33:50

it reminds people of the dusty flour covering on a miller.

0:33:500:33:53

But you can see them in the Yellowstone National Park.

0:33:530:33:56

"Yes, Boo-Boo!" Um...

0:33:560:33:58

"Huh-huh-hey-y-y, Boo-Boo!"

0:33:580:34:00

I always thought Yogi and Boo-Boo were a right pair of pricks.

0:34:000:34:03

Like, do you know what I mean?

0:34:030:34:05

They're supposed to be the heroes - they're just little thieves.

0:34:050:34:08

Just going round robbing, then we're supposed to support them.

0:34:080:34:11

You're out of order!

0:34:110:34:12

A lot of American humour is about that -

0:34:120:34:14

shucksters and shysters and idle thieves.

0:34:140:34:16

They all like it.

0:34:160:34:18

They kind of revere that person who doesn't get a proper job,

0:34:180:34:21

but gets by. They love a criminal!

0:34:210:34:23

-They voted one in, didn't they?

-Yes!

0:34:230:34:25

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:34:250:34:27

Yeah! Yeah!

0:34:270:34:30

Yeah!

0:34:300:34:31

I done a political, yeah!

0:34:310:34:34

Yeah, I'm a political satirist now! Yeah!

0:34:340:34:39

I'm going to just stay here until it's Newsnight.

0:34:390:34:42

Um, where did we get to?

0:34:440:34:46

Um, picnic baskets. Um...

0:34:460:34:48

AS YOGI BEAR: "Pic-a-nic basket?"

0:34:480:34:50

Thief!

0:34:500:34:52

In the first episode, someone could have just come and shot them.

0:34:530:34:57

"Boo-Boo? It's getting dark!

0:34:570:35:00

"I'm losing blood, Boo-Boo!"

0:35:000:35:02

"Don't go to sleep, Yogi! Don't go to sleep!"

0:35:040:35:06

"I don't think I'm going to make it, Boo-Boo!

0:35:060:35:09

"I can see a great big pic-a-nic basket in the sky, Boo-Boo!"

0:35:090:35:12

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:35:140:35:16

-Well...

-Then, next week - funeral.

0:35:180:35:21

I wish you two were in charge of Children's BBC.

0:35:220:35:26

Now we crash through the floorboards and land in the mess of plaster

0:35:260:35:29

and insulation that is General Ignorance.

0:35:290:35:31

Fingers on buzzers, please.

0:35:310:35:33

Where are your fattest fat cells?

0:35:330:35:36

Well, I suppose you want us to say on your stomach?

0:35:360:35:40

-Yes, and you'd be right.

-Yes, of course.

0:35:400:35:43

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:35:430:35:45

-See?

-So you're absolutely right.

0:35:450:35:49

As people get obese, what happens is the fat cells in our midriff,

0:35:490:35:53

they don't proliferate, they just get fatter.

0:35:530:35:56

So, the fat cells in our thighs can multiply,

0:35:560:35:59

but the ones that we have round our midriff, they just get fatter.

0:35:590:36:02

Now, you don't really want to have belly fat, because what we now

0:36:020:36:05

know about it is that it's actually biologically active, belly fat.

0:36:050:36:08

It is releasing hormones into your system,

0:36:080:36:10

and that could increase your risk of heart disease and so on.

0:36:100:36:13

So you don't want to get more of them,

0:36:130:36:15

because they're incredibly bad for you.

0:36:150:36:17

So, they did a study, the NHS, 91% of mothers

0:36:170:36:20

and 80% of fathers of overweight children

0:36:200:36:22

mistakenly think that their children are a healthy weight.

0:36:220:36:25

Well, I'm the exception, because all my mum does is say,

0:36:250:36:27

"Well, you need to shift some of that." She says it to me a lot.

0:36:270:36:30

-Does she?

-And then she just keeps trying to make me eat more food.

0:36:300:36:33

-Is she a feeder?

-Yeah, she puts the food down and she goes,

0:36:330:36:37

"Right, there's more chicken, I've got more peas,

0:36:370:36:39

"I've got more potatoes, I've got more..."

0:36:390:36:41

She's just like that, even before I've had the first lot,

0:36:410:36:44

then at the end, she goes, "Mmm, what are we going to do about that?"

0:36:440:36:47

So, I'll say, "Well, I won't come here again." No!

0:36:470:36:50

My mum used to give me so much food when I was going to school,

0:36:500:36:53

like, she'd give me, like, jam sandwiches, not for lunch,

0:36:530:36:57

-for break time, right.

-Right.

0:36:570:36:58

And the school became concerned and phoned my mum and said,

0:36:580:37:03

"Look, we're a bit worried about it." And you know what she did?

0:37:030:37:05

She told me to hide when I was eating my jam sandwiches.

0:37:050:37:08

-That's good parenting.

-Yeah.

-That is really good parenting.

0:37:120:37:15

From the fattest to the flattest.

0:37:160:37:19

What's the most featureless place on Earth?

0:37:190:37:22

-Well, hmm.

-So where were you when you talked about things

0:37:220:37:25

that don't smell? Where did you go when you talked about...

0:37:250:37:28

-# Under the sea. #

-So, that is where we're going to go,

0:37:280:37:30

we're going to go under the sea.

0:37:300:37:31

It is something called the abyssal plains. And it's undersea areas

0:37:310:37:35

of sediment, and their slopes can be really shallow,

0:37:350:37:38

I mean, unbelievably shallow, like one foot per thousand.

0:37:380:37:40

And what happens is the sediments wash off the land,

0:37:400:37:43

and over time they spread out to form a smooth and level surface.

0:37:430:37:47

And it's home to the world's deepest fish,

0:37:470:37:49

that you get right down at the bottom there.

0:37:490:37:50

Are those the really freaky...? Oh, yeah.

0:37:500:37:52

-Oh, yeah. Now you're talking.

-Yeah.

-Oh, mate.

0:37:520:37:55

I mean, these are angler fish you can see there.

0:37:550:37:57

-I think they are astonishing.

-God, that one in the middle

0:37:570:37:59

-just looking through your window.

-And we're there.

0:37:590:38:02

And they're really deep, so you can really,

0:38:020:38:04

like, talk to them about, like, real issues.

0:38:040:38:06

The deepest fish ever seen was in the Mariana Trench,

0:38:060:38:09

which is of course the deepest part of the ocean.

0:38:090:38:11

There are some pictures of them, but nobody's been able to catch one,

0:38:110:38:14

because they are just so deep down.

0:38:140:38:16

We THINK it looks a bit like a snailfish,

0:38:160:38:18

but the people who have actually seen them

0:38:180:38:21

say it is really weird looking.

0:38:210:38:22

There's a team that found it at the University of Aberdeen,

0:38:220:38:25

and Alan Jamieson said, "It's unbelievably fragile,

0:38:250:38:27

"and when it swims, it looks like

0:38:270:38:29

"it has wet tissue paper floating behind it.

0:38:290:38:31

"It has a weird snout, like a sort of cartoon dog snout."

0:38:310:38:33

-So, it might look a bit like that.

-Do you reckon it went that deep

0:38:330:38:36

-because the other fish were bullying it?

-Yeah.

0:38:360:38:38

They were like,

0:38:380:38:39

"Look, you've got tissue paper hanging out your arse, mate."

0:38:390:38:42

Have a quick look at this, which is my favourite fact about the Pacific.

0:38:420:38:46

So, I've got my globe here,

0:38:460:38:49

so you can see how large the Pacific is, it covers this enormous area.

0:38:490:38:53

There is a point in the Pacific where,

0:38:530:38:55

if you drilled down through the centre of the Earth,

0:38:550:38:57

so that is off the coast of Vietnam near Hai Phong, and you came back

0:38:570:39:00

out exactly on the other side, you would still arrive in the Pacific,

0:39:000:39:04

you'd be off the coast of South America at the Chile-Peru border.

0:39:040:39:07

That just gives you some idea, that is exactly halfway,

0:39:070:39:10

right through the whole planet, that the Pacific is that big.

0:39:100:39:12

Oh, I love it. I love it when a fact is pointed out to you

0:39:120:39:14

and you don't have to have this whole mass of stuff.

0:39:140:39:16

-But this is rather fine, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-Rather an astonishing one.

0:39:160:39:19

Well, no, I don't think it is, I think you're going to get

0:39:190:39:21

very little for that on eBay, because you've completely ruined it.

0:39:210:39:24

The most featureless place on Earth is underwater.

0:39:250:39:28

Who invented this and what does it say?

0:39:280:39:31

PATTERN OF BEEPS

0:39:310:39:34

I'm going to have to say Morse, aren't I?

0:39:370:39:40

Yeah, you are going to have to say Morse, I think.

0:39:400:39:43

Get it out of the way.

0:39:430:39:44

It's probably the most famous Morse code signal ever sent.

0:39:440:39:46

SOS? Is it three dots and three dashes?

0:39:460:39:50

No. It's CQD that is being sent,

0:39:500:39:52

it's the Marconi distress message that was sent from the Titanic.

0:39:520:39:55

People now say it means "Come quick drowning,"

0:39:550:39:57

but that's what you call a backronym.

0:39:570:39:59

In fact, CQ was for the French "securite"

0:39:590:40:01

and then Marconi added the D for Distress.

0:40:010:40:03

And so, "We have a distressing security issue."

0:40:030:40:06

But the issue about Morse code is that it isn't really a code

0:40:060:40:11

and that Morse didn't really invent it. It involved transmitting

0:40:110:40:14

numbers, Morse code, which you then looked up in a special dictionary

0:40:140:40:17

to see what word they represented.

0:40:170:40:19

And it was Morse's colleague, this man here, Alfred Vail,

0:40:190:40:22

who came up with the idea of using

0:40:220:40:23

letters and assigning dots and dashes to each one.

0:40:230:40:26

So, probably, Morse code should be called Vail's code.

0:40:260:40:28

But, actually, it should be Vail's cipher.

0:40:280:40:31

So, we had a letter from a QI viewer, Phil Boyd,

0:40:310:40:34

and he pointed out that a code replaces whole words with symbols

0:40:340:40:37

and a cipher replaces individual letters.

0:40:370:40:40

So, strictly speaking, Morse code ought to be called Vail's cipher.

0:40:400:40:44

What I like about Morse code - it has been used for naughtiness.

0:40:440:40:47

In January 1945, the people of Halifax, Nova Scotia complained

0:40:470:40:50

to police that people were using their car horns to communicate

0:40:500:40:54

"vile and filthy language" in Morse code.

0:40:540:40:57

And there was a report in the Ottawa Journal

0:40:570:41:00

saying that, "Police are brushing up on their Morse code

0:41:000:41:02

"in preparation for a campaign against these swearing motorists."

0:41:020:41:07

So, Morse code should really be Vail's cipher.

0:41:070:41:11

How many moons did the Earth have?

0:41:110:41:15

AUDIENCE GIGGLES NERVOUSLY

0:41:160:41:18

So, we've covered how many moons Earth has many times on QI.

0:41:210:41:24

We're looking at the past here.

0:41:240:41:26

Ten.

0:41:260:41:27

-Yes?

-None.

0:41:300:41:33

There is new research which suggests that our current moon is

0:41:370:41:41

the result of about 20 separate moons that have

0:41:410:41:43

coalesced into one over millions of years.

0:41:430:41:45

So, since the moon and the Earth are made of rather similar materials,

0:41:450:41:49

it is thought that the moon formed

0:41:490:41:51

when an object hit the Earth and it sent debris up into space.

0:41:510:41:54

And they've run thousands of simulations

0:41:540:41:56

and they concluded there were lots of moons, at least 20,

0:41:560:41:59

each one formed from a different collision.

0:41:590:42:02

So it is possible that we originally had 20 moons.

0:42:020:42:04

So, where have all the moons gone, then?

0:42:040:42:07

-They've coalesced into one, so...

-Oh, they're all one big moon.

0:42:070:42:09

They've been drawn together, yeah.

0:42:090:42:11

The Earth had 20 moons, but now has only approximately one.

0:42:110:42:15

All of which shines a silvery light on to the darkness

0:42:150:42:18

which is the scores. Oh, this is tragic.

0:42:180:42:22

In last place, with -52, Alan.

0:42:230:42:26

Thank you so much.

0:42:260:42:27

-Also a quite phenomenal -36, Liza.

-Hey! Get in!

0:42:300:42:37

And -29, Romesh!

0:42:380:42:39

You've done it, Matt, you've done it, with a magnificent -7,

0:42:440:42:47

-you are the winner.

-Hurrah!

0:42:470:42:50

So, Matt takes home our objectionable object of the week,

0:42:540:42:58

and it's this weird device for holding a horse's mouth open

0:42:580:43:01

while you fix its teeth.

0:43:010:43:03

There you are Matt, that's for you. Wow, it's heavy.

0:43:030:43:05

-Wow, thanks very much.

-You're most welcome.

-Wow, thank you.

0:43:050:43:09

It only remains for me to thank Liza, Matt, Romesh and Alan.

0:43:090:43:13

And I leave you with this,

0:43:130:43:14

from a Randy Scandi Norwegian Nobel Prize winner, Knut Hamsun.

0:43:140:43:18

When returning from his first trip to Paris, a friend asked,

0:43:180:43:21

"At the beginning, didn't you have trouble with your French?"

0:43:210:43:23

"No," replied Hamsun, "but the French did."

0:43:230:43:26

Merci bien, et bonne nuit.

0:43:260:43:28

APPLAUSE

0:43:280:43:31

Sandi Toksvig considers various odds and ends. Ever wondered how to tell a schnauzerorgan from a paddywhack? Sandi has the answers. With Romesh Ranganathan, Matt Lucas, Liza Tarbuck and Alan Davies.


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