Objects and Ornaments QI


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Objects and Ornaments

Sandi Toksvig looks at some objects and ornaments with Sarah Millican, Cariad Lloyd, Alice Levine and Alan Davies.


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APPLAUSE

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Good evening and welcome to QI,

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where tonight, we are ogling an odditorium of objects and ornaments.

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Let's meet some ornaments to their profession.

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The opulent Sarah Millican.

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APPLAUSE

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The ostentatious Cariad Lloyd.

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APPLAUSE

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The oratorical Alice Levine.

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APPLAUSE

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And, objection! Alan Davies.

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APPLAUSE

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And their ornamental noises are from priceless objects

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kindly lent to us by the Victoria and Albert Museum. So, Sarah goes...

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GLASS WIND CHIMES RING

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That's nice, pretty, isn't it? Cariad goes...

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MANTLE CLOCK CHIMES

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Lovely. Alice goes...

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MUSIC BOX LULLABY CHIMES

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LAUGHTER

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And Alan goes...

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TAPPING ON GLASS

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Don't touch the exhibit, sir!

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RUMBLING

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GLASS BREAKS, CRASHING

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Well, that's horribly familiar, that.

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Right, top question, where are you most likely to come across a UFO?

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GLASS WIND CHIMES Yes? Millican?

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In the sky?

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KLAXON

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Anybody else?

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-MANTLE CLOCK CHIMES Yes?

-Reading.

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Not much happens in Reading, so...

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Don't you think they'd want to go somewhere where

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-the stuff is happening?

-No, because they want to be secret.

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The whole of Reading could be aliens, you wouldn't even know.

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Why do they want to be secret?

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This big assumption that they come here all this way

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-and then just hide.

-That's true.

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Somebody knows a lot about them, don't they?

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Near airports, because they always look like planes, weirdly.

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-Yes, that is quite a strange thing, isn't it?

-Yeah.

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They do look like planes. And the answer is the ocean.

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The most common and most dangerous UFOs are

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Unidentified Floating Objects.

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These are pieces of lost cargo and they lie along the shipping

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routes, just under the surface, and they can damage ships tremendously.

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Between 2008-2013,

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an average of about 1,700 shipping containers were lost at sea.

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Look at this picture!

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That is seriously bad packing, isn't it? That's...

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Surely not in one go?

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Well, about half of those 1,700

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came from a single ship, the MOL Comfort.

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The ship actually broke in half and all the containers went into the sea.

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-But that's fair enough then.

-Yeah.

-That wasn't careless, was it?

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No. No.

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Some of the strange stuff that has washed up in the sea,

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-in 2008, a six-foot-tall Lego man - my people...

-What?!

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-..washed up on Brighton beach.

-Aw!

-That's amazing.

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The really extraordinary thing is,

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I've been trying to find out what happened to it.

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It just swam off.

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If anybody knows, please could you let me know.

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I want to know where the Brighton Lego man is.

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I'd like to come and say hello.

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Why is it never a Lego woman that's washed up?

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Because the Lego woman wasn't beach-ready.

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APPLAUSE

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So...

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February 2017, £50 million worth of cocaine washed up

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on a beach in Norfolk, and I don't know where that is either.

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SNIFFS

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There is a National UFO Reporting Centre, which is

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the UFOs that we normally think of, the Unidentified Flying Objects.

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It was started by a man called Robert Gribble,

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who's a fireman from Seattle and he collects UFO sightings.

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And since 1905, there have been 105,000 reports of alien sightings.

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A tenth of those have been here, in the UK.

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But the photos are never on a camera that's more than one megapixel.

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-Yeah.

-It's always conveniently grainy.

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-A little bit fuzzy.

-Yeah.

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Anybody know the best place in the UK to see a UFO?

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-MANTLE CLOCK CHIMES Yes, Reading!

-Reading!

-No.

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-I think there's some near us.

-Do you?

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Because my dog barks at all other dogs,

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but no people, apart from one family near us.

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And whenever they walk past, we just,

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we look at, my husband and I go, "Lizard people."

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And I know that they're walking past going, "He knows."

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-Norfolk.

-No, it's not,

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it's Scotland, it's Bonnybridge in Scotland.

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-Oh, yeah, yeah.

-It's the place where you are most likely.

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-I don't know why.

-Is that one of them? Is that guy an alien?

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This is a man called Billy Buchanan, he's a councillor in Bonnybridge.

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I'm not sure why he photo-bombed our shot of the sign.

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They have 300 sightings a year, roughly, in Bonnybridge.

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-Is it all by one man?

-"I've seen another one, and another one."

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He has 65 days off a year.

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It's also known as the Falkirk Triangle.

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The fact is that Bonnybridge is under three flight paths,

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including those for Edinburgh and Glasgow Airports.

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And just, it's your point there, Alice, isn't it?

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I mean, just saying.

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But the place in America that you would most likely find a UFO

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is Roswell, is the place that everybody thinks about them.

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So these are the street lamps in Roswell, aren't they great?

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-Well, you're not helping matters, are you?

-No, not really.

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Every night at around 7pm, they come out.

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I wondered if I could interest you in an insurance policy

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against alien abduction?

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How much is it?

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Well, for about £120 a year,

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I can protect you against alien impregnation.

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What if I was on the pill?

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Or 41, you know.

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Well, men are also able to purchase impregnation insurance of this kind,

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for protection against the unknown capabilities of alien technology.

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So your pill, not really going to be anywhere.

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-So far, more than 30,000 of these policies have been sold.

-No!

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I love these insurance policies.

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In 2000, there were three sisters from Inverness who insured

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themselves against the possibility of miraculously conceiving

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and raising the second Christ.

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-I hate it when that happens.

-Hate it when that happens, yes.

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Right - you wake up covered in orange paint,

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there's confetti everywhere

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and you smell of smoke.

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What the heck happened?

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Thaaat's Tuesday!

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Now, can anybody, first of all, spot whose face that is, in the picture?

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-We've Photoshopped...

-Cariad.

-It's Cariad's face.

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How do you not recognise your own face?

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Yeah, I mean, no...

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So, as a man, sexily posing with spots all over

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his body and an orange haze, I wasn't instantly sure it was me.

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-I was!

-Sandi, tell me, what is it?

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They are all methods...

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LAUGHTER

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I would need to take more clothes off, but I'm not going to,

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unlike the picture.

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-Those are all methods of dealing with offenders.

-What?

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So, anybody waking up with those has probably committed a crime,

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is the truth of it. Take the orange paintballs,

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they're for shop staff in Japan to throw at offenders.

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They are the size of a tennis ball

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and they are known as "bohan yu kara boru" -

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anti-crime colour balls.

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And the idea, if somebody's committing a crime,

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you throw it at them, and then they are marked and easier to track.

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You have to be good at throwing.

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Well, this is the main problem with them.

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-You might hit the wrong person.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, God.

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So, they are widely distributed,

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and under moments of stress, staff either tend to forget they...

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..the staff tend to forget they've got them...

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-You have no reflexes at all.

-No.

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Cariad's reflex is just to go into the position in the photo.

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And people forget they've got them or they freeze,

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or they see that the robber is armed and think,

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"That paintball thing, not going to go so well."

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They have signs in the shops where they've got the orange paintballs,

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that does seem to put some people off from robbing them, but...

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That's what they do in Poundland.

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They have a picture of a policeman in the window, because

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if they put a picture of a policeman in the window, people shoplift less.

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-Do they?

-Yeah.

-So they could put a picture of the balls in the window.

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That's all they need.

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Do you feel like you should say something though,

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when you throw it, you should be like, "No!"

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-Yeah, like, "Stop!

-"Don't!"

-"Stop it."

-Yeah.

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-"Bad."

-"I've seen you."

-I quite like that with a robber,

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-"Stop it."

-"Stop it!"

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Do you know, I was on a train once,

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and there were some boys who'd had a sherry too many, and they were being

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very vulgar and loud and frightening some people over on the other side.

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And I suddenly stood up and I went, "That will do!"

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APPLAUSE

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They said sorry.

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Smoke machines, used in some stores in the UK, they set them off

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and it obscures the view of any stuff in the shop, whatsoever.

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And makes it like an '80s music video.

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"So, we're really mad that you're robbing us, but..."

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# Whooooaaa... #

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And confetti is another safety mechanism.

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When you fire a Taser gun, apparently,

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it also releases a tiny amount of confetti.

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-Oh, how lovely.

-Well, you know, kind of, "Ow!", but, "Ooh, nice."

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"My heart's stopped! Aaaah."

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If you look in the middle picture, you can just see little bits,

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-tiny, coloured bits of confetti.

-Has somebody literally thought,

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"Oh, I mean, it's so sad, let's jazz it up when they get tasered."

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It's supposed to deter people using Tasers to commit crimes.

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In order to get a Taser, you have to register it with the company,

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and then you get a specific number, that number's on the confetti

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to make sure that bad people don't use them.

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You know what they could have done instead?

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when I got married, people threw confetti, which was lovely,

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cos it's, like, pretend-y flowers, but some people threw rice,

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and I don't know if you know this, but rice really hurts.

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It's like being pelted with grit.

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So, anyway -

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what was Lord Montagu's secretary doing on the bonnet of his car?

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-Wow!

-Hmm.

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I don't know, but she called a lot of people before she did it.

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It must have been a warm day.

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Was she a cog in the patriarchy, but she was getting paid for it,

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so in a way it was OK, because of the time?

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It's possible I love you, Cariad.

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Er, no.

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He was Lord Montagu of...?

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-Beaulieu.

-Lord Montagu of Beaulieu. Was is Beaulieu famous for?

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-Motor Museum.

-Motor Museum. So cars, we're talking about cars.

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This is a bit like how they used to entice you to buy lots of things.

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Like washing machines, you're like, "Do I want a washing machine?

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"Oh, a sexy lady is sat on it! I now want that washing machine."

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He was particularly associated with one motorcar.

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-A British-made one?

-Yes, beautiful, amazing...

-A Bentley?

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-No, possibly, I think, the...

-A Ford Ka.

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The most beautiful car of all time.

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-Rolls-Royce?

-Rolls-Royce!

-Rolls-Royce, absolutely right.

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-Oh, was she the lady?

-Yes, the iconic figure.

-Ah!

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The Spirit of Ecstasy.

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Eleanor Thornton, she was the secretary to

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John Walter Douglas-Scott, Montagu, second Baron Montagu of Beaulieu.

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A motoring pioneer.

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And he commissioned a figure as a personal mascot

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on the front of the 1910 Rolls-Royce Silver Ghost.

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It was called The Whisper.

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And so the original one was like that,

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because, allegedly, it was a secret love affair that they were having.

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It's not that secret if you've put it on the front of all the cars.

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Was his wife like, "Oh, right, I see,

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"so you based that on your secretary, but nothing's going on?"

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To be fair, you wouldn't necessarily know who that was.

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You'd be like, "Does he work with anyone with one eye,

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"a moustache, a crew cut

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"and one mono-boob?"

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"His secretary!"

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Over the years, people have put lots of ornaments and the choice

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is not always suitable for the sort of things that people have had.

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So there's been...

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-Oh, my God.

-So that's why they standardised it.

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The Whisper became the Spirit of Ecstasy,

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because they didn't want people doing that kind of thing.

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The DVLA has a banned list of licence plates that runs

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to 46 pages, things that you may not have as your licence.

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-Bollocks.

-Well, kind of.

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So, this one is supposed to be rude

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if you read it in your rear view mirror.

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So can anybody work it out?

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-Oral...

-I nearly just did that!

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I haven't got a mirror with me.

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Yeah, it's supposed to be oral sex. Anyway, it's banned, it's banned.

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"Banned! Banned!

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"Ban! Possible humour, banned!"

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"Possible smiling, banned!

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"No smiling on the road, banned!

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"Do not think of sex! Banned!

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"Stop it, stop it!"

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-See if you can work out these other ones?

-"Filth!"

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-Top left?

-Doggers.

-Doggers.

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Doggers. "Banned! Banned! No intercourse."

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-Heroin?

-Heroin.

-Oh, scrotum.

-Scrotum.

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-SARAH:

-Oh, scrotum.

-"How dare you! I feel sick!"

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-What's the bottom one?

-Alcohol.

-Oh.

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"Banned! No!"

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It's fair enough to ban alcohol.

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I love that Sarah just went, "Oh, scrotum, are these available ones?

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"I'll just..."

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-In America, you can buy these, OK?

-Oh, Sandi.

-I know.

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-Do you know how to handle them?

-Hang on a second...

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Hang on a minute.

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I've totally got this. "Cough."

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When you said cough, did you just breathe in a little,

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have a little sniff?

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-She did, she went, "Cough," and then she went, "Wahey!"

-Hey!

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This is a sight you will see nowhere else in the world.

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Alan, is that normal size?

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Well, they're a little small.

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-They're called...

-Jesus!

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They're called truck nuts.

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-Wow!

-And they are genitals for your car.

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-Do you know what, I'm all right thanks.

-Oh, come on. "Banned!"

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Well, they have been banned in some states.

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Have they? Truck nuts? What, you hang them on your truck?

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Yes, look, there. See the picture.

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What's wrong with that?

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Right, moving on.

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Describe the world's best-dressed crab.

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MUSIC BOX LULLABY CHIMES Alice?

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I'm going to say a little bit of lime, some chilli, some mayo,

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and then just, yeah, served with, like, brown bread, probably.

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-That does sound delicious.

-Sounds good, doesn't it?

-Yeah.

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-But I'm actually talking about a live crab.

-You didn't say that.

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No, I didn't. I should be clearer.

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-A lot of the things you've said tonight have been ambiguous.

-Yes.

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-And that's difficult for me.

-Welcome to the show.

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Is it in a shell suit?

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APPLAUSE

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I'm proud to be your friend.

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No. There's something called a dresser crab,

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or indeed the decorator crab.

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And what it does is it gathers material from all around itself

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in order to blend in with the surroundings.

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So it's basically making camouflage clothing.

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They cover their shells in seaweed, in sponge and pearls,

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chewing on the material in order to make it fibrous,

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and then it attaches it to itself.

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It's got, like, little, tiny Velcro bits on its claws and legs.

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I love this one, it's seriously getting dressed-up.

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That's Cardiff on a Saturday night, that is.

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That's proper getting ready.

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And they're found off the coast of Australia. They're tiny.

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Just over 1.5 inches.

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And sometimes what they do is they put noxious stuff on them

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to ward off predators. It's called aposematism.

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It's called Lynx.

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Other sprays are available.

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But there are lots of what we call augmented animals,

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so, animals who make themselves look a bit different.

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One of my favourites, Uraba lugens caterpillar.

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-It keeps its old heads and wears them as hats.

-What?!

0:15:370:15:41

Oh, my God.

0:15:430:15:45

That is hoarding gone mad.

0:15:450:15:46

As it grows, it sheds its exoskeleton

0:15:480:15:50

and the protrusion on the top of the head remains,

0:15:500:15:53

and eventually it has a stack, which it uses both as a weapon

0:15:530:15:56

and as a false target for any would-be predators.

0:15:560:15:59

It's known as the Mad Hatterpillar.

0:15:590:16:01

-Yeah, I mean it would be, wouldn't it?

-Yeah.

0:16:010:16:03

Found in Australia and New Zealand. Isn't it wonderful?

0:16:030:16:06

-That's incredible.

-He doesn't even need that.

0:16:060:16:08

-Look how much you'd remember him anyway.

-Yeah.

0:16:080:16:11

"You know the one, do you remember the guy,

0:16:110:16:13

"you met him last week, he had five heads on his, five heads as a hat."

0:16:130:16:16

-Five-Head Gary, yeah.

-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:16:160:16:18

There's another one which is a beetle that lives

0:16:180:16:20

in the Costa Rican rainforest.

0:16:200:16:22

It's called Nymphister kronaueri

0:16:220:16:24

and it disguises itself as an army ant's bottom.

0:16:240:16:27

So, that looks like it's just an ant,

0:16:270:16:30

but the bit that is a protrusion,

0:16:300:16:31

as if the ant has got terrible haemorrhoids, is actually a beetle.

0:16:310:16:35

And what it does is, it bites onto the ant

0:16:350:16:37

and then it rides around disguised as an army ant's bottom.

0:16:370:16:42

-What a life.

-We've all done it.

-What a life, I know.

0:16:420:16:44

Do you think the ant knows what's happening,

0:16:460:16:50

why it's got an extra bum?

0:16:500:16:52

Or do you think the ant is like, "Oh, my God, the piles are back?"

0:16:520:16:56

Yeah.

0:16:560:16:57

-It'd keep going like that, wouldn't it?

-"What the hell is that?"

0:16:570:17:01

"There's something... I'm sure there's something..."

0:17:010:17:04

And the beetle's like that.

0:17:040:17:05

"Oh, no, no.

0:17:070:17:10

"You never see me."

0:17:100:17:11

-And every now and then it goes...

-HUMS TWILIGHT ZONE THEME

0:17:130:17:16

"I can hear something, I can hear something."

0:17:160:17:19

But then the ant will shit in its face.

0:17:190:17:22

"Ugh, you ruined it!"

0:17:220:17:23

"You were behind me, you cheeky beetle!"

0:17:230:17:27

All the other ants are going,

0:17:270:17:28

"You haven't put on any weight, you look fine."

0:17:280:17:30

"Oh, really, are you sure?" "You look fine."

0:17:300:17:32

Then the five-head caterpillar goes,

0:17:320:17:34

"Have you seen him? He's hanging onto his arse."

0:17:340:17:36

"Shut up!" "He's hanging onto his arse."

0:17:360:17:38

"Well, he can't possibly be living down there."

0:17:380:17:40

"He is, he's on his arse!"

0:17:400:17:41

"There's a beetle on the ant's arse."

0:17:440:17:46

"There's a beetle on the ant's arse?"

0:17:460:17:47

"Yes, I can see it from here."

0:17:470:17:49

"Swap places, swap places." "All right."

0:17:490:17:51

"Oh, there is, there is, there's a beetle on the ant's arse!

0:17:530:17:56

"Go and have a look." "All right."

0:17:560:17:57

"I can't get up there, why am I always at the bottom?"

0:17:590:18:02

APPLAUSE

0:18:020:18:04

-Something like that.

-I like that they're all from the same animal,

0:18:110:18:14

but they're all from different regions, different places.

0:18:140:18:17

Isn't there a thing - you can have your bottom made bigger?

0:18:170:18:19

-Can you do that?

-Bottom implants, yeah.

-Can you?

0:18:190:18:21

I just eat more.

0:18:210:18:24

How do you guarantee that it goes to the bottom?

0:18:240:18:26

-You just sit a lot.

-OK.

0:18:260:18:27

Now, what is the lady at the back of this picture saying?

0:18:290:18:33

"What's going on?"

0:18:340:18:36

-Has she got a mask on?

-She has got a mask on.

0:18:360:18:38

Is she wondering how she's keeping her mask on?

0:18:380:18:41

Because I can't see any elastic.

0:18:410:18:42

That is exactly the question. So, these are black velvet masks.

0:18:420:18:46

We haven't got black velvet ones, but we have got masks for you.

0:18:460:18:49

They were worn in the 16th century, and the way you kept them on,

0:18:490:18:51

there's a sort of a bead, but we've done a button for you there.

0:18:510:18:54

And you put that in your mouth.

0:18:540:18:56

If anyone turns on now, this is like an episode of Black Mirror.

0:18:560:18:59

So the answer is, she's not saying anything, because she's using...

0:19:000:19:03

-MUFFLED:

-Because she's got a button in her mouth.

-Sorry, what?

0:19:030:19:06

-She's got a button...

-MOCK MUFFLED: She's got a button in her mouth.

0:19:060:19:09

Is exactly right.

0:19:090:19:10

She's saying, "I'm not marrying a hippo."

0:19:100:19:13

Why...?

0:19:170:19:18

The glasses are a triumph, if I may say so.

0:19:220:19:26

I have a re-occurring nightmare and it's this. This, right here.

0:19:260:19:29

Why might she be wearing it? What's the reason?

0:19:290:19:31

Is it scars from horrible sexually transmitted diseases?

0:19:310:19:34

She's proving how rich she is. So how is she doing that?

0:19:340:19:37

Oh, to keep her skin so white?

0:19:370:19:38

-I was going to say, she looks almost as pale as me.

-Yeah.

0:19:380:19:41

So, the idea is to avoid sunburn.

0:19:410:19:43

The most complete example that we have of one of these

0:19:430:19:45

is the Daventry Mask, which was discovered - there it is -

0:19:450:19:48

in Northamptonshire, found inside a wall while they were

0:19:480:19:50

renovating a 16th-century building. And the idea is...

0:19:500:19:53

They've spent about five seconds making that, haven't they?

0:19:530:19:56

"You'd be better off not going out!"

0:20:010:20:03

The lady in our painting is actually wearing something called

0:20:050:20:09

a moretta muta, it was a Venetian variation on the mask.

0:20:090:20:11

Does anybody know what this painting is?

0:20:110:20:13

It's a wonderful painting of Clara the Rhinoceros, from 1751.

0:20:130:20:17

This is a sort of sad story,

0:20:170:20:18

17 years, she was toured round Europe, and of course it was

0:20:180:20:20

an extraordinary thing, nobody had ever seen rhinoceroses.

0:20:200:20:23

They've just taken the horn off, is that what they've done?

0:20:230:20:25

Well, as far as we know, the year before she was displayed in

0:20:250:20:28

Venice, she had rubbed the horn off in Rome, where she was on display.

0:20:280:20:32

So, clearly, an animal in some distress. And she eventually...

0:20:320:20:34

Whenever I'm in distress, I rub a horn. Always. Yeah.

0:20:340:20:38

Eventually, she came to Britain. In fact, she died in Lambeth,

0:20:380:20:40

at the Horse and Groom pub, where she was being shown for sixpence.

0:20:400:20:43

We've all died at the Horse and Groom.

0:20:430:20:45

Now, where would you find these ornaments?

0:20:480:20:51

-MANTLE CLOCK CHIMES

-Oh.

-Yes?

0:20:510:20:54

-That is an orchid.

-It is.

0:20:540:20:55

That's genuinely called something like the...

0:20:550:20:57

Oh, like, the hanging willy man, or something.

0:20:570:20:59

-It's called the orchis italica.

-Oh, OK!

0:20:590:21:01

"Ha-ha-ha! The orchis italica!"

0:21:040:21:05

"Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

0:21:070:21:10

It's known amongst gardeners as, like, the naked man, isn't it?

0:21:100:21:13

-It is called the naked man orchid, is its nickname.

-People who can't do Latin, like.

0:21:130:21:16

-FARMER VOICE:

-"My naked man's come up lovely this year."

0:21:160:21:19

"I've got 16 naked men in my garden."

0:21:190:21:21

"I've been giving a lot of attention to my naked man."

0:21:210:21:25

Which is funny, because the orchid is named after the female genitalia.

0:21:250:21:29

That's where the Latin comes from.

0:21:290:21:30

I think the orchid's name means testicles.

0:21:300:21:32

You've got your genitalia round the wrong way, which...

0:21:320:21:35

-That could explain a lot.

-I can help you with that.

0:21:350:21:38

But orchids come in the most wonderful shapes.

0:21:420:21:44

There's one shaped like the laughing bumblebee, on the left there.

0:21:440:21:47

-Wow.

-The other one is the swaddled baby.

-Yeah, yeah.

0:21:470:21:50

And then the one on the right, it's a birthwort flower.

0:21:500:21:53

-Do you not think it looks a bit like Darth Vader?

-Yes.

0:21:530:21:56

That's an STI.

0:21:560:21:57

"I'm not going to come in,

0:22:010:22:03

"I'm just going to send you a photograph of it."

0:22:030:22:05

"I can't get any clothes on with this thing.

0:22:070:22:10

"Could we Skype? Could we Skype it?"

0:22:100:22:11

It is known as Dutchman's pipe, is its nickname.

0:22:120:22:15

Oh! You do not want one of those.

0:22:150:22:17

And apparently it stinks, it smells of rotting flesh.

0:22:170:22:19

-No, orchid means testicles, because in...

-Sorry, I got my...

0:22:190:22:22

No, it's all right. In middle English it was called Bollockwort.

0:22:220:22:25

The next time you're backstage with somebody and a marvellous orchid

0:22:250:22:28

has been delivered, you go, "Oh, nice bollockwort."

0:22:280:22:30

I think we should bring that back.

0:22:310:22:33

Bollockwort is much better than orchids.

0:22:330:22:36

I've got two lovely bollockworts, actually, on my windowsill.

0:22:360:22:39

-Good for you.

-Hmm.

0:22:390:22:41

One of the UK's rarest plants is an orchid,

0:22:410:22:42

it's a beautiful thing called the ghost orchid.

0:22:420:22:45

It was first discovered in Britain in 1845,

0:22:450:22:47

and isn't it delicate and amazing?

0:22:470:22:50

I like the one with the cock more.

0:22:500:22:51

What I like about you, Sarah, is you're reliable.

0:22:530:22:55

Now, the object of the game is to avoid the klaxons,

0:23:000:23:02

as we play General Ignorance.

0:23:020:23:04

So, fingers on buzzers, please.

0:23:040:23:06

What would a medieval knight call this?

0:23:070:23:10

-Chain mail.

-Chain mail. KLAXON

0:23:100:23:12

-No, it's just mail.

-Oh.

-I know.

0:23:160:23:19

Is that like saying PIN number?

0:23:190:23:21

Yes, it is what's called a Victorian pleonasm.

0:23:210:23:24

It's when you use many more words to explain something than

0:23:240:23:27

is necessary, you don't really need that many words.

0:23:270:23:29

-Isn't that QI?

-It is QI, yes.

0:23:290:23:32

In Lord Of The Rings, you know they had all that chain mail?

0:23:320:23:35

So, it took seven years to film the Lord Of The Rings films,

0:23:350:23:37

and there was a man whose only job was to slice a thin plastic tube

0:23:370:23:41

every single day, and in that plastic tube he made the chain mail.

0:23:410:23:44

And on the special features of the DVD of Lord Of The Rings -

0:23:440:23:46

it's, like, 40 hours, you can watch it...

0:23:460:23:48

-Wow! We're lucky you're here tonight.

-Yeah, I know.

0:23:480:23:50

And this man, they said to him at the end, "So, you've been doing this for seven years."

0:23:500:23:54

He went, "I wouldn't take back a day, it's been the best experience of my whole entire life."

0:23:540:23:58

-But what's it for?

-To make fake chain mail,

0:23:580:24:00

they couldn't give them real, because it's too heavy.

0:24:000:24:02

So they made it out of plastic and sprayed it silver.

0:24:020:24:04

-So, why are they remaking it every day?

-Cos there were so many extras,

0:24:040:24:07

there was so much to make, they had to constantly make it.

0:24:070:24:10

Had everyone thrown it away at the end of the day?

0:24:100:24:12

No, it's plastic, so it just kept breaking.

0:24:120:24:13

And also, Viggo Mortensen probably was, like, really living it, because he was so...

0:24:130:24:17

LAUGHTER

0:24:190:24:20

Moving on, medieval battles were full of mail-on-mail action.

0:24:220:24:27

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:24:270:24:28

Working me arse off here, people.

0:24:310:24:32

What would you have seen tumbling across the prairie

0:24:340:24:37

after George Washington made a terrible joke?

0:24:370:24:40

ALICE GROANS

0:24:400:24:42

MUSIC BOX LULLABY CHIMES Alice?

0:24:420:24:44

-Tumbleweed...

-KLAXON

0:24:440:24:47

The answer is, we don't know whether he ever made a joke,

0:24:490:24:52

is the truth of it. But we do know it wasn't tumbleweed,

0:24:520:24:55

because during his lifetime there was...?

0:24:550:24:57

-No tumbleweed?

-No tumbleweed.

0:24:570:24:59

It's native to Russia, not to the USA, and it arrived in the USA

0:24:590:25:04

long after he had passed away, in the late 19th century.

0:25:040:25:07

It was accidentally imported in shipments of flax seed from Russia.

0:25:070:25:11

Although when you drive now, you do see it just like that.

0:25:110:25:14

And a single tumbleweed can become the size of a Volkswagen Beetle.

0:25:140:25:18

They can bury houses, they can fuel forest fires,

0:25:180:25:21

-I mean it is fearful stuff.

-Oh, my God!

0:25:210:25:24

As it tumbles, it scatters seeds up to 250,000 per plant.

0:25:240:25:28

So it keeps perpetuating itself.

0:25:280:25:30

And in 2016, there's a rural city in Australia called Wangaratta,

0:25:300:25:35

and they were hit by a type of tumbleweed called hairy panic.

0:25:350:25:38

-That could be your wrestling name, Sandi.

-Yeah.

0:25:410:25:43

"Here she comes, all the way from Denmark, it's Hairy Panic!

0:25:450:25:49

"She's small, but she's fierce!"

0:25:490:25:52

Right, does anybody fancy a cup of tea?

0:25:520:25:55

-Yes.

-Tea all round?

-Yes, please. Yes.

-Ooh, yes.

0:25:550:25:57

Yes, I feel there's not enough tea breaks.

0:25:570:25:59

-So what I'm going to do, I'm going to...

-Do you have any herbal?

0:25:590:26:02

Jesus Christ.

0:26:020:26:03

No, I haven't.

0:26:060:26:07

Right, anybody know, to the nearest 100ml,

0:26:070:26:12

how much water did it take to make this tea?

0:26:120:26:15

-To make the whole pot?

-To make the cup of tea I'm giving you.

0:26:150:26:18

So one cup of tea, I'm going to... I've given you a little bit of milk.

0:26:180:26:21

And everybody gets two sugars, you don't have to use them, but I'm...

0:26:210:26:24

So, that's what I'm asking. There's a cup of tea.

0:26:240:26:27

-Tea, Cariad?

-Thanks, darling.

-Thanks.

-Do you want sugar?

0:26:270:26:30

-Do you guys want sugar?

-That's piss weak, Sandi.

0:26:300:26:32

I didn't actually... I didn't make the tea.

0:26:320:26:35

I have people for that.

0:26:360:26:39

To the nearest 100ml?

0:26:390:26:40

-300.

-300! KLAXON

0:26:400:26:43

Do you mean to the cup or in the flask?

0:26:460:26:48

Yes, so one cup, to the nearest 100ml,

0:26:480:26:50

-how much water did it take to make the tea?

-200.

0:26:500:26:52

KLAXON

0:26:520:26:55

-I sense a pattern here.

-Any more?

0:26:550:26:56

-100?

-100! KLAXON

0:26:560:26:58

Ten litres.

0:27:000:27:02

-Ten... You're getting closer.

-Oh?

0:27:020:27:04

Yes. The answer is 52,000ml.

0:27:040:27:08

-Oh, to grow the tea plants?

-That's why it's so weak.

0:27:080:27:11

-That wasn't the question!

-It was, to make this...

0:27:110:27:14

I'm trying to work out how much that is.

0:27:140:27:16

Yes, but it's QI.

0:27:160:27:18

Oh, I forgot what programme I was on!

0:27:180:27:21

52 litres of water, roughly, go into white tea with two sugars.

0:27:210:27:25

So we'll see how it breaks down.

0:27:250:27:26

Around 30 litres to make the amount of tea in a single tea bag.

0:27:260:27:31

Ten litres to make the dash of milk.

0:27:310:27:33

And six litres needed for every teaspoon of sugar.

0:27:330:27:35

So, 60 billion cups of tea consumed in Britain every year.

0:27:350:27:39

So that gives us a footprint of 3,000 billion litres of water.

0:27:390:27:43

That's about ten times the volume of water in Lake Windermere

0:27:430:27:45

that is needed to make the tea for Britain.

0:27:450:27:47

Imagine making Lake Windermere into a giant cup of tea.

0:27:470:27:50

Now that you have dodged that round, let's take a look at the scores.

0:27:500:27:54

And in fourth place, with a magnificent -34, it's Alan.

0:27:540:27:58

-Thank you very much.

-APPLAUSE

0:27:580:28:00

In third place, with a very creditable -29, Sarah.

0:28:020:28:06

APPLAUSE

0:28:060:28:07

In second place, and considering it's her first show,

0:28:090:28:11

what an incredible score, -18, Alice.

0:28:110:28:13

APPLAUSE

0:28:130:28:15

And, finally, in first place, with four points, Cariad!

0:28:160:28:21

APPLAUSE

0:28:210:28:23

Tonight's prize, Cariad, obviously...

0:28:280:28:33

This lovely pair of truck nuts. There you are, congratulations.

0:28:330:28:36

Thank you, thank you.

0:28:360:28:37

APPLAUSE

0:28:370:28:38

It only remains for me to thank Alice, Sarah, Cariad and Alan,

0:28:410:28:45

and you've all been so great it's practically criminal, so let's

0:28:450:28:48

break out my favourite object - confetti cannons. There we are.

0:28:480:28:52

Ready? Steady, fire!

0:28:540:28:56

CHEERING

0:28:570:29:00

Good night.

0:29:000:29:02

APPLAUSE

0:29:020:29:04

Sandi Toksvig looks at some objects and ornaments. Along the way, discover where you can find an actual UFO and meet the world's best-dressed crab. With Sarah Millican, Cariad Lloyd, Alice Levine and Alan Davies.