Omnishambles QI


Omnishambles

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Transcript


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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Good evening!

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Welcome to QI.

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Tonight, we have a show that promises to be

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an outright omnishambles,

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and trying to stay on top of it all,

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we have the cack-handed Josh Widdicombe.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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The ham-fisted Stephen K Amos.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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The butter-fingered Cally Beaton.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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And the...Alan Davies.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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And their buzzers are going all over the place. Josh goes...

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BARKING, MOOING

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That doesn't sound good, does it?

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No. It went on far longer than I'd expected, as well.

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Stephen goes...

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BARKING, NEIGHING, GALLOPING

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Wow, that's terrifying. Cally goes...

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BARKING, CLUCKING

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And Alan goes...

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BARKING Listen! Listen! Listen!

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APPLAUSE

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OK, what's this all about?

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A disgrace!

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Dangerous!

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Not a very edifying spectacle!

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Wretched women! What...?

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Is this about women on panel shows?

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Ah, yes. Only last year, in fact, I think!

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-Horrified.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, a bit horrifying to be here.

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So panel shows, it's to do with games of some kind.

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Is it women playing sport?

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Yes, women doing sport.

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It was thought to be one of the most shocking things in the world.

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These are descriptions of the women's 800 metres

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at the 1928 Olympics, OK?

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So women had been allowed to compete in the track and field events

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for the very first time, and the media reported

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that it was a disaster. According to these reports,

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out of the 11 runners, five collapsed before getting to the end.

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Five fainted at the finish line and only one was still standing,

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and she passed out in the dressing room moments later.

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Some of the women took 15 minutes to regain consciousness.

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Those who hadn't won sobbed hysterically.

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And as a result, the 800 metres race was deemed to be just too injurious

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to these women and it was dropped from the Olympics for 32 years.

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In reality, there were nine women runners,

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they all completed it, no-one collapsed,

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no-one became hysterical and six of them beat the existing world record.

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This wasn't the first Olympics women competed in, though, was it?

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-No.

-They'd competed before.

-Only in some sports.

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So the founder of the modern Olympics, Pierre de Coubertin,

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he vehemently opposed female participation,

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he absolutely wasn't having it.

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That's Rowan Atkinson!

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It does look like him, doesn't it?!

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Anyway, him, Pierre de Coubertin,

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he vehemently opposed female participation.

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He said it would be, "impractical, uninteresting, unaesthetic

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"and improper".

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He said, women's primary role should be, "to crown the victors,

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"since they were, above all, a companion to men".

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But you're absolutely right,

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they had been allowed to compete from 1900, but only in five sports,

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-and they were considered the kind of easy ones.

-Sewing.

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Sewing, yes, was a big one. LAUGHTER

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It was tennis, croquet, golf, sailing and equestrian.

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And the women got fed up with this.

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So in 1922, they held their own Olympics in Paris.

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20,000 people attended.

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-Oh, wow!

-There were 18 world records set.

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One of the more unusual events is that one on the right,

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it's the two-handed javelin.

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And athletes had to throw once with their right hand, then once

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with their left hand, and the score was the combined distance

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-of the two throws.

-So a sort of ambidextrous javelin.

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-Yes, yes.

-Yeah.

-And then your team-mate had to catch it!

-Yes.

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I wouldn't want to be the one who had to measure it

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when people were throwing the javelin left-handed.

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But one of the great...

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Is that two together that you're doing?

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That's two, that's getting the javelin and throwing them.

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-Quite difficult, I'd have thought.

-I would think it was quite tricky.

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I think she's going too far up, that one, it's going to go straight up

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-and down in front of her.

-Her trajectory is all wrong.

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One of the reasons why women wanted to take part in the Olympics was the

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incredibly restricted clothing that they wore in the traditional games.

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So, up until the mid 1900s, female swimmers had to wear blouses

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and bloomers in the pool.

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They used to play tennis in dresses that covered the ankle

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and multiple petticoats and corsets, and so on. Shoes with heels.

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But I think that's why it took so long for women

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to get involved in sports, because I run, and it's all about two bras.

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-Yeah.

-Keeping... Nothing should move.

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Because otherwise, honestly, take your eye out.

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Yeah. Yeah.

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I feel like giving tips out at race days,

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sometimes to middle-aged men, to be honest.

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I was not a really big sports fan at school at all, because I come

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from quite a big family, and all my stuff was hand-me-downs.

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So I'd be the only boy on the sports field with a training bra.

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So I know what you're talking about, yeah.

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Anyway, moving on.

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When is it cool to wet your pants?

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Is it when it's, like, in a hot situation?

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Obviously, we're going to be, yes, somewhere hot.

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Somewhere where your wee is cooler than everything else around you.

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OK. It's...

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Or if you've had a really cold drink and you get it out quick.

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Is it to do with, um, jellyfish, you know,

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when you have to pee on a...

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-Because my daughter got stung by a jellyfish in South Africa.

-Right.

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And she was crying, really upset, and so I pulled my tankini -

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which is what older women wear instead of a bikini -

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I pulled it to the side to pee, and the sight

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of my pulled-to-the-side gusset fully stopped her crying.

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I would imagine.

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It worked really well.

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And she begged me not to pee on the sting.

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-No.

-Is it to do...? No.

-Does she still have dreams about this?

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-She does. We're working on it.

-It's best.

-We're working it through.

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I think we're all going to have dreams about it, aren't we?

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Is it in space?

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It is not in space.

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We're not doing people at all,

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and "wet their pants" is more of a...

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What's another expression for pant?

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-An animal panting.

-Oh.

-An animal panting. It is ostriches, in fact.

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Ostriches have a phenomenal capacity for water.

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They can swallow up to ten litres of water in one go.

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And then what they do is, they pant really quickly,

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so that the air that they bring into their bodies evaporates

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the water, and it works exactly the same way as us

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evaporating sweat on our skin, in order to keep us cool.

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And they have to avoid getting too much oxygen

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into their bloodstream while they do this, and so,

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as they pant, their windpipe redirects the air away

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from the lungs. Essentially, they pant without breathing.

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Did you know this? They're the only birds to have a bladder.

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Birds do not wee, because they'd be too heavy to be

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carrying around a big bladder, and so on.

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But the flightless ostrich can cope with the extra thing.

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So there's a little takeaway for you - birds don't wee.

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-Who knew that?

-Wow!

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Any creature that's got an eye here

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-and an eye there that goes that way, nah.

-Yes.

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It's not right!

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I really do think they're quite creepy.

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Would you like them more if they could fly? Can you imagine that?

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This thing in the sky, argh!

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-Ugh!

-Do you think they'd fly with their necks up,

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or would they just put their necks forward?

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Or their neck up, looking behind them.

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"WHOA!

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"Whoa-ho! Ho-ho-ho!"

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I imagine they'd do that all the time.

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The first one that went up would do that.

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I'd like to have an ostrich, though,

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because one scrambled ostrich egg is the same as 25 chicken eggs,

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so you'd only have to go and collect the one. That would be...

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And that would save you time, because normally you have to make

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25 chicken eggs in the morning.

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I know. It's a nightmare.

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The other thing about them is, their legs go the wrong way.

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So, when they're running, if you show an ostrich running

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and reverse the film, it looks like a person.

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It looks like Bernie Clifton.

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There, you can see, right, if you look at it,

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it looks like it's running that way, but its body is on backwards.

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-Yeah. Yeah.

-Do you get it, are you seeing it now?!

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-So if it was running that way, you'd think, "Yeah."

-"Yeah, fair enough."

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-Yeah.

-That's like, that's Bernie Clifton, right.

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But Bernie's got to get his...

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-If he'd had major surgery in about 1972.

-Yeah.

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Alan, it sounds like you've done quite a lot of research on this.

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I did, I shared a dressing room with Bernie Clifton at the recent

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-Royal Variety Performance.

-Did you?

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-Did you?

-Oh.

-Me, Bernie Clifton and the Chuckle Brothers.

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-I swear to God, it was...

-Talk about knowing your place in showbiz.

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-I'll tell you what...

-I'm 51 now, right...

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I've been doing stand-up for a very long time, nearly 30 years,

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and I was such a junior person in that room.

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-Aah.

-I was in heaven.

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I like to think that they totally ignored you for the whole time.

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They had no idea who I was.

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But you're right about the legs,

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and look at the extraordinary feet of the ostrich, they're amazing.

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So the scientific name is Struthio camelus,

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so it's from the ancient Greek, it literally means "camel sparrow".

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And the Greeks considered it similar to the camel because if you look

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at the hooves of the ostrich and you look at the hooves of the camel.

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Hang on, what's what? The ostrich is on the left?

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The ostrich is on the left, the camel on the right.

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-Look at those toes.

-That toenail, that needs bringing in, doesn't it?!

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He's getting through some socks with that, isn't he?

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Right, moving on.

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What's the wrong way to get out of a car?

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Sunroof.

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Yeah, that's not good, is it?

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But let's all imagine we're driving in the UK.

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So let's all do driving.

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Can I do MY driving, please?

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-Driving, we arrive...

-I drive like this.

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-I'm going to park, brake...

-Yeah.

-OK, brake now.

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So you're in a right-hand drive.

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Brake, yeah. So now I want you to open the door.

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-Open the door.

-Yeah.

-You've done it like that. What have you done?

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Like that. So, none of that...

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HOOTER

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And if you never learn anything else from this show,

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learn this thing, which I think is wonderful.

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You should always do what is called the Dutch Reach.

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You have to open with the hand... Exactly that.

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Furthest from the door.

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And it makes you automatically look over your shoulder.

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It's to spot, particularly, oncoming cyclists.

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So, in the Netherlands it is required

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as part of the driving test,

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and it prevents what's called "dooring", which is basically

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just hitting a cyclist with your car door.

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Do you not think it's the simplest...

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It's brilliant, it's brilliant.

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But it suggests that when people get out of their car this way,

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-that they just go...

-And they do. They do.

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So, out of the car and into the closet.

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What's the most exciting thing you can do in a cupboard that

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begins with O?

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Orlando Bloom.

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APPLAUSE

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I organise my pants.

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-Organising is a good one, yes.

-Organising, yeah, I enjoy that.

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-Yeah.

-Do you organise your pants, Josh?

-Not my pants, but you know.

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-What?

-What would you organise?

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Well, just like a soiree.

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Are you saying you put your pants in a cupboard?

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Well, you can do, darling, it's not that weird.

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No, I thought a cupboard was like, you know, in the kitchen.

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-So, it's a new thing, you sometimes have cupboards in bedrooms.

-Yeah.

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It's never going to take off, you're absolutely right.

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Because my girlfriend, who I live with, has got too many...

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She's in a cupboard?

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Oh, I understand that, I spent years in the closet.

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I totally understand that.

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APPLAUSE

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When you say...exciting, do you mean...?

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-Yes, something exciting, yes.

-Like physically...

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-Unbelievably physically exciting.

-So orgasming in a cupboard.

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It is an orgasm in a cupboard, but it's a very specific one.

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-So...

-Oh, not that Woody Allen film, the Orgasmatron.

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It is exactly this sort of thing.

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So, in 1940 there was an Austrian psychologist called

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Wilhelm Reich, and he started building... There he is.

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-Doesn't look bonkers at all.

-Ooh, look at him.

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He's got Chris Packham's haircut.

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He wanted to harness the power of a force that he called "orgone" -

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an amalgam of orgasm and ozone. And he said other people call it God.

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He believed it was all around us, that it was what made the sky blue,

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for instance. So, the idea was that you had one of these compartments,

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you climbed naked into his special cupboard - this

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is for illustration purposes only, but ideally she should be naked.

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-No way.

-And you absorbed the concentrated orgone within it,

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to reach a state of sexual satisfaction.

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And that could cure anything from, I don't know, cancer to blisters.

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-It was really, it was a full-range thing.

-So...

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But are the people in that box, are they volunteers or hostages?

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-No, people wanted to do this. It was hugely popular.

-Oh, OK.

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-What year was, when was this?

-So, 1940.

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He believed that sexual repression was responsible for almost

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all physical and psychological and emotional problems, and so on.

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-I think that's fair.

-He was a slightly strange fellow. So...

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-No shit!

-Yeah.

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Does it clean itself, like one of those toilets?

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-GROANING Well, none of it's...

-"I've finished!"

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It was very, very popular, lots of celebrities owned these cupboards.

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JD Salinger, Norman Mailer, Sean Connery had one.

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-AS SEAN CONNERY:

-"Sure, let's go into the cupboard."

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The vibrator was developed by Victorian doctors, you'll know this.

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-Yeah, I do.

-It was, wasn't it to stop women being hysterical?

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You're absolutely right.

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So it's widely believed that it was very damaging to women

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-if they didn't orgasm enough.

-Yeah.

-And I think that's entirely true.

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They had steam-operated vibrators, the first ones.

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-Yes.

-So I'm just wondering why,

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he's a bit late to the party with this cumbersome vibrator.

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Well, this doesn't actually touch your pudenda in any way.

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-But how's it...?

-It's this thing called orgone,

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which he believed was in the ether

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and that it would accumulate within the cupboard,

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-and this would make you feel...

-Oh, so that's a mask?

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No, it's just to go into the cupboard, it's an orgone shooter.

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I can't... I'm trying to make it more sensible than it really is.

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-Right.

-Does it work?

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No. The US courts formally declared that orgone doesn't exist

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and all of the cupboards were ordered to be destroyed,

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all of the literature, and in fact...

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Destroyed? You could just convert it into a pant cupboard, couldn't you?

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Yeah, you could have done.

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Reich was imprisoned for not complying with the ban,

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and so he actually ended up dying in prison.

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But you're absolutely right, this whole thing about orgasm,

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Victorian doctors, it was not uncommon, women with hysteria,

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that they needed to get rid, they thought it was anxiety,

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irritability, bloated stomach, any of these things could be got rid of.

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And the prescription was to have a pelvic massage.

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And it was a routine part of doctors' work.

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LAUGHTER

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That's a water jet, is it?

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It looks like one of those Olympic sports.

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And now...

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35 feet. Personal best.

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Only 35 feet, Alan?

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I think I can do better than that.

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OK, moving on.

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Now, what definitely won't happen to you when you sneeze?

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You won't have a 16th of an orgasm.

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-Isn't it a tenth?

-Is it a tenth?

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But that might be inflation, I don't know.

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Is there a, is there a little thrill to be had from sneezing?

0:15:270:15:29

Apparently, well, that was the myth,

0:15:290:15:31

-that if you sneezed, you'd go...

-HE SIGHS

0:15:310:15:33

But you can't physically sneeze with your eyes open, isn't that right?

0:15:350:15:39

Yeah, well, we did say that sneezing with your eyes open can't

0:15:390:15:42

make them pop out, but in fact, that is not entirely correct.

0:15:420:15:45

If you have something called floppy eyelid syndrome,

0:15:450:15:48

a sneeze can in fact force your eyeball out of your socket.

0:15:480:15:52

And we're all going to have a go!

0:15:520:15:54

So, like this.

0:15:550:15:57

So, it would be like that, and then you... Atchoo!

0:15:570:16:00

And out they pop. So that's so you can see.

0:16:000:16:02

Atchoo!

0:16:030:16:04

So there's a technical name for it.

0:16:080:16:10

So if your eyeball actually pops out, spontaneous...

0:16:100:16:13

ATCHOO!

0:16:130:16:14

GROANING

0:16:170:16:20

Spontaneous globe luxation is what it's called.

0:16:200:16:23

So, mostly obese men get this syndrome where your eyelid

0:16:230:16:26

can pop out. So the upper eyelid becomes very floppy

0:16:260:16:29

and it's easily turned inside-out.

0:16:290:16:31

What would the medical advice be if your eyeball popped out?

0:16:310:16:34

-Oh...

-Pop it back.

-Put it on ice.

0:16:340:16:36

Get it back in as quickly as possible, yeah.

0:16:360:16:37

No, don't put it on ice, darling, it's still attached, most likely.

0:16:370:16:41

If it's still attached,

0:16:410:16:42

look round corners that you couldn't previously look round.

0:16:420:16:45

That's a good idea. Yeah.

0:16:460:16:48

Keeping an eye on you.

0:16:480:16:49

I think the main advice is to get a medical person to do it, don't you?

0:16:490:16:52

And apparently they use a tool that looks a bit like a bent paperclip,

0:16:520:16:55

which I think would be...

0:16:550:16:57

GROANING Yes.

0:16:570:16:58

There was an American basketball player

0:16:580:17:00

called Akil Mitchell, in early 2017.

0:17:000:17:02

-No!

-He got poked in the eye during a game, he fell to the ground,

0:17:020:17:06

he was clutching his face.

0:17:060:17:08

And he described afterwards that he knew something was wrong because he

0:17:080:17:11

could feel his eyeball on his cheek, and could still see out of it.

0:17:110:17:15

GROANING

0:17:150:17:17

Oh, my God!

0:17:170:17:19

And they popped it back in all right?

0:17:190:17:20

They popped it back, he's absolutely fine now.

0:17:200:17:22

Can you just do it with your finger? Do you need the paperclip thing?

0:17:220:17:25

-No, my advice is to...

-If it happens.

0:17:250:17:27

Honestly, this is a moment for a doctor.

0:17:270:17:29

If you have a child and one of their eyeballs fall out, don't go,

0:17:310:17:34

"Darling, stop fussing," and...

0:17:340:17:36

There. I don't think that's...

0:17:360:17:38

Now, who would like to see a seriously eye-popping demonstration?

0:17:380:17:43

As long as no-one's eye is coming out.

0:17:430:17:45

I don't like this whole area.

0:17:450:17:47

No, it's not that. So, what we're going to do...

0:17:470:17:49

-If you get out a hoover now...

-Have a look at this.

0:17:490:17:51

So, let me just put this here.

0:17:510:17:53

And hopefully I'm going to get this the right way round.

0:17:530:17:56

-Then I have...

-Is that a steam-powered vibrator, Sandi? No?

0:17:560:17:59

No, it's adapted. OK.

0:17:590:18:01

So we can see that we have got a mirror here,

0:18:010:18:04

and if you look at this one, you can see squares,

0:18:040:18:06

and if you look in the mirror, you can see circles.

0:18:060:18:08

And if I take this one and I turn it, you can

0:18:080:18:11

see a square up here and a circle down here.

0:18:110:18:15

And if I then carry on turning it,

0:18:150:18:17

and we keep going round like this, you will see that this one at the

0:18:170:18:23

bottom will turn into a square

0:18:230:18:25

-and that one will turn into a circle.

-Witchcraft!

0:18:250:18:28

It is. I'm going to move that out the way, so I can get my hand in.

0:18:280:18:32

You can see the square, and you can see the circles in there.

0:18:320:18:34

And as I turn, and I keep turning it like this,

0:18:340:18:37

you'll see it change and the one in the mirror becomes the square,

0:18:370:18:43

-and this one here becomes the circles.

-Oh, I don't like this.

0:18:430:18:46

-Ooh!

-And the same with this one here, as I turn it... It is

0:18:460:18:51

faintly astonishing, isn't it, you can see it becoming the circles.

0:18:510:18:55

-Oh, wow!

-And then the squares.

-That's amazing.

0:18:550:18:57

-What's happening?!

-I know! It is called

0:18:570:19:00

the Ambiguous Cylinder Illusion. It is designed by a man...

0:19:000:19:03

-Catchy name.

-Yeah.

-It is a catchy name.

0:19:030:19:06

Designed by a man called Dr Sugihara Kokichi.

0:19:060:19:09

And from one angle, the shapes look circular,

0:19:090:19:13

while in the other angle they look like cuboids. And in fact,

0:19:130:19:16

they are a cross between the two.

0:19:160:19:17

Squircles, or rather, squircle prisms.

0:19:170:19:20

And if you want to make this at home, you absolutely can.

0:19:200:19:23

Just look up "Ambiguous Cylinder Illusion cut-out"

0:19:230:19:25

and there's a template for a paper version.

0:19:250:19:27

So you can work out how to do it. So I'm just going to put that one

0:19:270:19:30

-away.

-That's amazing.

-It IS amazing.

0:19:300:19:32

Do give it a go, because I think it's really extraordinary.

0:19:320:19:34

And the fact that our brains are flawed in this way is what

0:19:340:19:37

distinguishes us from robots.

0:19:370:19:38

Robots won't be fooled by optical illusions,

0:19:380:19:40

only human beings are fooled by optical illusions.

0:19:400:19:42

There's a very famous thing called the Adelson chequerboard illusion.

0:19:420:19:46

And if you look at it, you would imagine that there are light

0:19:460:19:49

squares and there are dark squares.

0:19:490:19:51

But in fact, what's happened is,

0:19:510:19:52

the green cylinder there has cast a shadow.

0:19:520:19:55

And what happens is, our eyes correct.

0:19:550:19:58

What is the truth of that is A and B are exactly the same colour.

0:19:580:20:02

-So if you see...

-No!

0:20:020:20:03

If we join them together, so just those squares,

0:20:030:20:06

but because we have understood

0:20:060:20:07

there's a shadow from the green cylinder,

0:20:070:20:10

we have, in our minds, made B a lighter colour.

0:20:100:20:14

But actually, A and B are exactly the same colour.

0:20:140:20:16

-And...

-Oh, is this how the robots are going to finally defeat us?

0:20:160:20:19

-Well, this is certainly...

-They'll chase us into a Escher painting.

0:20:190:20:22

Yes! But it's how computers may eventually be able to distinguish

0:20:220:20:26

a bot from a person, because you could give a test like this.

0:20:260:20:29

If you get the answer wrong, then you're human.

0:20:290:20:32

Because, even though I've told you A and B are the same colour,

0:20:320:20:34

when you look back to the one on the left,

0:20:340:20:36

you believe that they are different colours.

0:20:360:20:39

-Yeah.

-I still don't believe you.

0:20:390:20:40

Now, what's a little bit orange and very over-sensitive?

0:20:400:20:45

Donald Trump.

0:20:470:20:48

HOOTER, APPLAUSE

0:20:480:20:51

-Someone had to say it, didn't they?!

-Cally, I might be looking at you.

0:20:570:21:02

-Something to do with being ginger.

-It is to do with being red-headed.

0:21:020:21:05

So are there any particular characteristics that are

0:21:050:21:08

-more associated with redheads than...?

-Fiery.

-Fiery.

0:21:080:21:10

-They're fiery, aren't they?

-We're very attractive.

0:21:100:21:13

Very, very attractive. The fact is, multiple studies have shown

0:21:130:21:16

that redheads are more sensitive to pain than the rest of us.

0:21:160:21:19

-So, unfortunately, you are more susceptible to pain.

-Do you know,

0:21:190:21:22

I think there are studies that say the opposite. I'm just saying,

0:21:220:21:24

I've also seen studies that say we've got a higher pain threshold.

0:21:240:21:27

Well, they worked out that, typically,

0:21:270:21:29

20% more anaesthetic is needed by a redhead.

0:21:290:21:31

And the way they work this out, researchers administered

0:21:310:21:34

electric shocks to redheads, while giving them

0:21:340:21:37

increasing amounts of painkiller until they stopped feeling pain.

0:21:370:21:40

And the reason is that having red hair is usually

0:21:400:21:44

caused by a mutation on a gene called MC1R.

0:21:440:21:47

And that is also involved in pain modulation.

0:21:470:21:49

And it explains why redheads are twice as likely to avoid

0:21:490:21:52

going to the dentist as the rest of us. Because you feel more pain.

0:21:520:21:55

I don't believe any of this. I don't want to cry in the face of QI,

0:21:550:21:59

but, no, I don't believe it.

0:21:590:22:01

Fair enough. Where do you think the most common red-hair gene

0:22:010:22:04

first appeared in the world? Where does it come from?

0:22:040:22:07

-Scotland.

-Ireland.

0:22:070:22:08

HOOTER

0:22:080:22:11

I think...

0:22:110:22:13

It's got to be Scotland.

0:22:140:22:15

-Scandinavia.

-No, it isn't - it's Asia, in fact. It's Central Asia.

0:22:150:22:19

But it's very common in various parts of the UK. Why do you think that might be?

0:22:190:22:22

-Surely it's the lack of sun.

-Yeah, it's got to be the climate.

0:22:220:22:25

In places like Scotland.

0:22:250:22:26

I mean, look at our Scottish cousins, but their skin isn't just

0:22:260:22:29

sheet-white from the lack of sun, but their hair has turned red,

0:22:290:22:32

as it attempts to start its own fire for warmth.

0:22:320:22:34

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

0:22:370:22:40

Is it about people desperately wanting to procreate

0:22:420:22:45

with other ginger people, because we're so deeply attractive?

0:22:450:22:48

STEPHEN ROARS WITH LAUGHTER It's, the fact is...

0:22:480:22:52

-Sorry.

-The fact is, it's a recessive gene,

0:22:530:22:55

so it excels in relatively closed communities, I'm afraid.

0:22:550:22:59

-Ooh.

-It requires a level of inbreeding. That's the truth.

0:22:590:23:03

My friend, she's got red hair

0:23:030:23:05

and she went on holiday to the Philippines, and people were

0:23:050:23:09

getting, stopping her in the street to have their photo taken with her.

0:23:090:23:12

-Because they just love...

-They just couldn't believe that she existed.

0:23:120:23:15

Like she was a celebrity.

0:23:160:23:18

I was in mainland China for the first time ever, doing gigs,

0:23:180:23:21

and I could not tell you how many people stopped me

0:23:210:23:24

in the street, asking to take a selfie with me, right.

0:23:240:23:27

I mean, it was as though they'd never ever seen a tall person before.

0:23:270:23:30

So, can you imagine if I was ginger as well?

0:23:330:23:35

They'd be carrying me out of the building!

0:23:350:23:38

Obviously I don't speak Mandarin or Cantonese, I'm in a packed lift

0:23:390:23:42

in China, all these people - I'm not even joking -

0:23:420:23:45

the only phrase I could decipher was this...

0:23:450:23:48

"..pube-head."

0:23:480:23:49

You absolutely need to put that on your posters.

0:23:530:23:56

I think that should be...

0:23:560:23:57

Now for the oddly shambolic omnishambles that we call

0:23:580:24:01

General Ignorance.

0:24:010:24:03

Fingers on buzzers, please. What did the Nazis call this?

0:24:030:24:06

-Um...

-Aaah...

0:24:060:24:09

Aah. Who's going to go for it?

0:24:100:24:12

Stephen?

0:24:120:24:13

The future.

0:24:130:24:15

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

0:24:150:24:17

Not... I'm told they didn't call it a swastika.

0:24:240:24:26

They did not call it the swastika.

0:24:260:24:27

They called it the Hakenkreuz. It's the German for "hooked cross",

0:24:270:24:30

and in Germany, in fact, it's still referred to, except when discussing

0:24:300:24:33

it in a neo-Nazi context, in which case, it's called the swastika.

0:24:330:24:36

But Hitler was mad for it.

0:24:360:24:38

And after his party adopted the swastika, he actually

0:24:380:24:40

changed his signature to S Hitler,

0:24:400:24:42

because the shape of the S mimicked...

0:24:420:24:44

There, you can see there, it mimicked the shape of the swastika.

0:24:440:24:47

-Sadolf.

-Yes, Sadolf.

0:24:470:24:49

Sadolf Shitler.

0:24:500:24:53

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

0:24:530:24:55

Anyway, who was the last monarch to be crowned

0:25:000:25:05

at the abbey in Westminster?

0:25:050:25:06

Has there been one since the Queen?

0:25:080:25:10

HOOTER

0:25:100:25:13

-That's wrong, then, is it?

-So it's not her.

-Not her.

0:25:130:25:15

-So it's not her.

-Oh, was it Queen Latifah?

0:25:150:25:18

Here is the thing, it's not actually an abbey.

0:25:220:25:25

And that is what makes it a trick question.

0:25:250:25:27

So Henry VIII is the answer,

0:25:270:25:28

because since his dissolution of the monasteries, it is

0:25:280:25:31

no longer technically an abbey, so if it's not an abbey, it's a...?

0:25:310:25:35

-Church.

-It's called a Royal Peculiar.

0:25:350:25:37

-A Royal Peculiar.

-It's called a Royal Peculiar.

0:25:370:25:39

So it's a church subject to the direct jurisdiction of the monarch.

0:25:390:25:42

And that is what it is today.

0:25:420:25:44

It's the Collegiate Church of St Peter at Westminster.

0:25:440:25:47

How many species of camel are there?

0:25:470:25:49

Two.

0:25:510:25:52

HOOTER

0:25:520:25:54

-More than that...?

-More than that. Yes.

0:25:570:26:01

We used to think it was two, so Carl Linnaeus,

0:26:010:26:03

he named the dromedaries and the domestic Bactrians, back in 1758.

0:26:030:26:06

120 years later, the Russian geographer

0:26:060:26:09

Nikolay Przhevalsky, discovered wild Bactrians.

0:26:090:26:13

So the truth is that there are actually three of them.

0:26:130:26:15

They used to think wild Bactrians were

0:26:150:26:17

a subspecies of the Bactrians, but we now know from recent DNA analysis

0:26:170:26:21

they're a totally different species.

0:26:210:26:23

-Beautiful, aren't they?

-Aren't they stunning? I think they ARE stunning!

0:26:230:26:27

Who was it said a camel is a horse designed by committee?

0:26:270:26:30

Have you been on a camel ride?

0:26:320:26:33

-I have.

-It's glorious.

0:26:330:26:35

I have been on a camel ride. It doesn't go well.

0:26:350:26:38

Oh.

0:26:380:26:39

I did a... I did a magic show once, where I was asked

0:26:390:26:43

to "magically" appear on a camel.

0:26:430:26:45

And you know my feelings of beasts like this.

0:26:450:26:48

-Hmm.

-Why did you point at me when you said that?

0:26:480:26:51

Don't, she's very sensitive to pain!

0:26:520:26:54

And it was one of those one-hump ones.

0:26:540:26:56

I'm not sure - what's the big difference

0:26:560:26:58

between the two humps and the one hump?

0:26:580:27:00

-It's the number of humps.

-Is that it?

0:27:000:27:03

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

0:27:030:27:06

-OK, so I was on the one with the one hump.

-Right.

0:27:090:27:12

-And they put this sort of square seat on the hump.

-Yeah.

0:27:120:27:15

-I'm like, "How am I going to get on the hump?"

-Yeah.

0:27:150:27:17

And I had to have a man... and give me one of those, like...

0:27:170:27:20

-But you get a ladder.

-They don't like it.

-No.

0:27:200:27:22

-They don't want you on their backs!

-And they turn around and look at you

0:27:220:27:24

with their faces, like...

0:27:240:27:26

It's too much.

0:27:280:27:30

There's a couple of them in London Zoo

0:27:300:27:32

and they're great big things, and they look at you with contempt.

0:27:320:27:35

You know, "What, are you back again?" "I'm a member, all right?!

0:27:350:27:38

"I've got a family membership.

0:27:400:27:41

"So why don't you just, for once, just change your whole attitude?"

0:27:410:27:44

"I don't like you. I don't like you."

0:27:440:27:46

There are three species of camel,

0:27:460:27:48

but sadly, the third doesn't have three humps.

0:27:480:27:50

Which brings us to the scores.

0:27:500:27:52

This week's winner,

0:27:520:27:53

with minus 12, it's Josh.

0:27:530:27:55

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:27:550:27:58

In second place, with a magnificent debut,

0:28:000:28:03

minus 14, Cally.

0:28:030:28:05

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:28:050:28:06

Third place, minus 18,

0:28:090:28:11

Stephen. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:28:110:28:14

And, with a truly marvellous minus 69, Alan.

0:28:150:28:20

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:28:200:28:23

So Josh takes home this week's objectionable object prize,

0:28:290:28:32

which is this hilarious comedy eyeball.

0:28:320:28:34

There you go, there you go, fantastic.

0:28:340:28:37

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:28:370:28:38

So, it's thanks to Cally, Josh, Stephen and Alan,

0:28:380:28:41

and I leave you with this advice from La Code Gourmand,

0:28:410:28:44

a book of etiquette written in 1828.

0:28:440:28:46

"When you are seated next to a lady,

0:28:460:28:48

"you should be only polite during the first course.

0:28:480:28:50

"You may be gallant in the second,

0:28:500:28:52

"but you must not be tender till the dessert.

0:28:520:28:54

"When you have the misfortune to sit next to a child,

0:28:540:28:57

"your only plan is to make him drunk as soon as possible."

0:28:570:29:00

Goodnight.

0:29:000:29:01

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:29:010:29:05

Sandi Toksvig organises an omnishambles. Learn how to throw the two-handed javelin, meet the woman who never knew that she had won an Olympic gold medal, and much more besides. With Josh Widdicombe, Stephen K Amos, Cally Beaton and Alan Davies.


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