Odorous and Odious QI


Odorous and Odious

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening and welcome to QI,

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where tonight we'll be suffering all things odorous and odious.

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And joining me on our olfactory odyssey are

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the fragrant Nish Kumar...

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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..the aromatic Sally Phillips...

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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..the musky Ross Noble...

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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..and... SHE SNIFFS

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..the unmistakable essence of Alan Davies.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And their buzzers are particularly odorous. Sally goes...

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# You've got to stop

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# And smell the roses. #

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Oh, I love that. Nish goes...

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# Oh, I think I smell a rat

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# Oh, I think I smell a rat. #

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Oh, I wanted more of that. Ross goes...

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# I can smell it, baby

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# Can you smell it too? #

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Drinks half price. And Alan goes...

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FART

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-Now...

-Even on a show as high-brow as this...

-I know.

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..that is still funny.

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The whole show is about smell, OK, so I've got these -

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scratch-and-sniff stickers that they often give out in schools

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for good work.

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So I've got strawberry, lemon meringue and grape,

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and if you do good work and are particularly clever,

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-you could have a scratch-and-sniff sticker, OK?

-Ooh!

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So which would you want to go for - strawberry, lemon or grape?

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I've got a cold, I can't smell anything at the moment,

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so, really, I'm easy.

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You're lucky cos you're next to Ross - it's the best thing.

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How dare you! These pants were fresh on last week.

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I don't think, Sally... Can I just say, no woman should ever say,

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"I can't smell anything, I'm easy." I don't think that's...

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Every man's dream is a woman with no sense of smell!

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OK, let's start with some smells.

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What scent should you wear to attract a cougar?

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Oooh!

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There's a double meaning at work here.

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-Ah, you know me well...

-You see...

-Yes.

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-the...the vampy older lady...

-Yes.

-Bonjour.

-..the cougar.

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Hi. An excellent example.

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You're calling Sally old?

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I'm fine with that. Easy, no sense of smell...

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It's a hell of a Tinder profile.

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Are you swiping left or right at the moment, Nish?

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100% left.

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I don't even know what I just asked you. Um...

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Well, in 2003, the Wildlife Conservation Society tested

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a variety of scents to see which ones big cats find attractive.

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-Wow!

-Now, why would they do this?

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-Was it too busy in the perfume department of Boots?

-Yeah.

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Cos the thing about those women, you know in the make-up...

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-They're terrifying.

-..they've got those faces...

-I know.

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..and a wild cat can rip at their face and have no effect.

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That's how deep the make-up is.

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No, what it is, you want to lure the big cats in

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towards camera traps for filming.

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So they discovered that there's a clear winner -

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Calvin Klein's Obsession kept big cats interested for 11 minutes.

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Wow! Yeah.

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By comparison, Nina Ricci's L'air du Temps, 10 minutes.

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The effects of Revlon's Charlie, 15 and a half seconds.

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-And some mild blistering.

-Yeah!

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I thought they attracted wild cats with...

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piss...of other wild cats.

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Well, that's a hell of a night out.

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Grrr!

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How did you come to think this?

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I thought that they made ointments

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of the urine of other...

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of male...

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Yeah, they do, but it's called Lynx.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Right, we're going to play a game now.

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-Time to play On The Scent.

-Ooh.

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SAMBA MUSIC

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OK, I've got some descriptions of perfumes,

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and I want you to guess which celebrity they come from, OK?

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So, "Focused on the topic of decisiveness and persistence.

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"Its composition is based on sophisticated shades of spices

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"which are blended with citruses over a masculine, elegant heart

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"and a woody, leathery base."

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# Smell the roses... #

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Is it David Beckham?

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-It is!

-What?!

-Wow!

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Unbelievable.

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-Wait a minute...

-It was the word "leathery".

-Yeah!

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-Grape, lemon or strawberry?

-I'll have grape, please.

-There you go.

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-That was amazing.

-Thank you.

-That's amazing, the way you did it.

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Do you smell that and you go...

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-HE SNIFFS

-.."Beckham's coming"?

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You have to smell it. There's no point just putting it on you.

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I can't smell anything - I've told you, I've got a cold.

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I never thought I'd say this to a woman, just scratch it and sniff...

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Ross can sniff it.

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So, it's called Beyond Forever.

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-I love it.

-By David Beckham.

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OK, here's the next one. Ready?

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"The perfect accessory for the confident man determined to

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"make his mark with passion, perseverance and drive.

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"For those who aspire to create their own empire through personal

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"achievement, this dynamic scent is both compelling

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"and leaves a lasting impression.

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"Bold notes..."

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# ..smell it too... # Ross?

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Is it Rory Bremner?

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Rory could probably do this person, I would imagine.

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-Donald Trump.

-FART

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Yes! Yes!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I'm actually...

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I'm very, very pleased to actually have a...

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-FART

-..a trump sound.

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And it's called Empire, by Donald Trump.

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-You wanted lemon meringue, didn't you?

-Lemon meringue, yeah.

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You want them with sunglasses, or without?

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-There you go. I gave you sunglasses...

-Thank you so much.

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-..if that's OK.

-I'm going to scratch quite hard.

-Right.

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Are you getting lemon meringue?

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LAUGHTER

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Quite a lot on my finger.

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No, hang on, that's not lemon...

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Oh, you're doing your own jokes there. "Ugh!"

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Right, last one. Uh... Ready?

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"Bass notes on a leather, peat fire, highland mud, burned rubber

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"and white truffle."

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# ..smell a rat... # Yes, Nish?

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Is it Ross?!

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Have you not got your own perfume in the...?

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I've released many scents...

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..but...but not one that people would pay for.

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I quite like the idea of a perfume called Noble Gas.

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I think that's...

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Oh, yeah. Yeah.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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OK...

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I'm going to carry on with this one.

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"Heart notes are sharp and tempting with cigar, heather, fir and rubber.

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"Top notes complete the fragrance with fresh, spiced notes

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"of bergamot, black pepper, pine and whisky."

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# ..smell it too... #

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David Dickinson?

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It would have to say "creosote" if it was David Dickinson.

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-It's a boy...

-Is it George Clooney?

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No, it's the best name for a perfume ever, I think.

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It is Cumming, by Alan Cumming.

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LAUGHTER

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Now, what will the Apocalypse smell like?

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Ooh...

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-Well, there's four horses, so there's a start.

-Yeah.

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-A massive barbecue?

-A barbecued horse.

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Kind of. What other sort of smells might you find?

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Well, there's pestilence. That's going to be a bit...

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-Pestilence is very bad.

-A touch of...

-That's going to be odorous.

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I can't imagine plague's going to be a barrel of laughs as well.

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No, that's whiffy.

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Well, here's the thing - there is a perfume specifically designed

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to smell like the Apocalypse.

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-What?!

-And I have it here.

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Two artists, Jon Thomson and Alison Craighead, they went through

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the Book of Revelation in the 1611 King James Bible

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and they put together everything that has a recognisable smell.

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So it's blood, rocks of the mountains, incense, wormwood,

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rod of iron, creatures of the sea, hail and fire, animal horns...

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HE COUGHS VIOLENTLY

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LAUGHTER

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..flesh...brimstone.

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Eurgh, it smells like racism!

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That's a good name for a perfume - "Racism".

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So they passed this list to an Edinburgh-based perfume maker,

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Euan McCall, and he turned it into a scent.

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A reporter for The Guardian newspaper had a sniff

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and described it as "digestive".

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What do you think it smells like?

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Well, it smells, it smells of the Apocalypse.

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It tastes of...

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GROANS

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Weirdly, it tastes of Romford.

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Is it unpleasant? I haven't actually smelled it.

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I can't smell anything.

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-VOICE STRAINED:

-It gets right to the back of your brain.

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Now, why is the second smelliest man in the world so frustrated?

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Is he frustrated because everyone's like,

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"You must be the smelliest person in the world.

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-And he's like, "Yeah, you'd think..."

-You'd think...

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"Do I have a certificate? No."

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Is it Boris Johnson?

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-It's a cattle herder from India called Kailash Singh.

-Oh.

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Now, he stopped washing in 1974 because a priest told him that

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he would have a son if he didn't bathe or cut his hair.

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So, it's 40 years later, he hasn't had a single bath or a shower.

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He's got six-foot-long dreadlocks.

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He's father to seven daughters, and, no...

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GROANS

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What, can you believe he's had sex at all? It's...breath-taking.

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There's the lovely place of Varanasi,

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on the banks of the Ganges there, where he lives.

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His family did once try and force him to bathe in the river,

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but he fought them off and said he would rather die.

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-So they killed him.

-Yeah.

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But he now says he's going to wash in the next life.

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-Oh...

-That's his plan.

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But he's only the second smelliest man in the world.

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The person currently believed to be the most unwashed man

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in the world is Amou Haji.

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We don't have a picture of him.

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I think it would be too much for the cameraman to get...

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No photographer can get near enough.

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"Use the zoom!"

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"It's too much!"

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"The lens is fogging!"

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"Run, run!"

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He hasn't washed for over 60 years.

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He lives, not surprisingly, in a remote village.

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You'd have to do it like the cheetahs - you'd have to set up

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-a camera and then try and attract him towards it.

-Yeah, lure him.

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Where's his village?

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He lives in southern Iran, and he lives on roadkill.

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He gets more and more attractive as you go through.

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He particularly likes porcupine, and he smokes animal dung in his pipe.

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And if he needs a haircut, he burns his hair off with fire.

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Hey, stop looking at me.

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We've been talking a lot about smell.

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How do you measure the unpleasantness of a smell?

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How might you decide?

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I mean, I don't know, but I once did a fart that was so bad, my dad...

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I didn't own up to it, and my dad went and got the Yellow Pages out,

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and he was looking for the number of a plumber

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because he thought a sewage pipe had leaked.

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LAUGHTER

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Did you not have a Labrador you could blame?

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-Yeah, dogs' farts are bad.

-Dogs, they're very bad.

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My dog used to get up...

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The only time she ever left the room was if she'd farted.

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She'd be lying there by the sofa asleep,

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and I'd be watching Morse or something...

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..and then she'd just get up and go in the hall.

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And then immediately, I'd have to pause Morse and get up and go.

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We both would have to stand in the hall...

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..for a period of time until it would clear.

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There was only the two of us in the flat.

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Anyway, here's a thing -

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there's a Danish engineer called Professor Povl Ole Fanger,

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and he wants to create a new unit of measurement called an olf, OK?

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So one olf would be the emission of air pollutants

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given off by a standard person.

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And the idea is that any unpleasant smell could then be expressed by

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the number of people it would take

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to cause that level of unpleasantness.

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So you have an average person is an olf.

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And then, say that your fart,

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you know, well, "Wow, that's like 150 olfs", that it would be.

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-Yeah.

-That was a lot of olfs.

-That's a lot of olfs.

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My wife, her horses... Our bedroom has got a window,

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and the horses are out there, and they fart so loudly

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that sometimes I have to turn the telly up.

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So, on a summer's evening, just lying in bed there,

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put the telly on, and just hear...

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-HE MAKES FART NOISE

-..like that.

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What they're eating, or was it a particularly...?

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They have to or they die.

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But are they particularly gassy, horses?

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Oh, God, yeah, horses, they're shocking.

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I don't know how the Queen stands it in that carriage.

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Unbelievable.

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Honestly.

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-Just buy a car.

-Yeah.

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That's why the hat's always at a jaunty angle.

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Anyway, moving on...

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What do the UK's stink pipes do?

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It sounds like a barber shop quartet, doesn't it -

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The Stink Pipes.

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Oh, that's a great title for a band, yeah.

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-"And now The Stink Pipes."

-It's an actual thing.

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Indeed, you may have passed one on the way to the studio.

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I think the nearest one to this studio is at Southwark Bridge.

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Are they letting out odours from...the sewers?

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Absolutely right, yes.

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-You can have another sticker.

-Ooh!

-You can have another sticker.

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Very well done.

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There you are. Purple one.

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Yes, you're absolutely right.

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They're sort of tall, hollow, cast iron pipes.

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They stand at quite often six to eight metres tall,

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and their purpose is to ventilate the potentially explosive...

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-But do they still work?

-Yes, they still absolutely work,

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and they follow the routes of the main sewers.

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Lots of them are still in operation.

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How cheap is that flat?

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Yeah, that's not nice, is it?

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You do have to update sewers

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because sewer explosions are not uncommon if they are not

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properly looked after and the gas isn't released and so on.

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So the River Fleet at King's Cross exploded in 1846.

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It destroyed a Clerkenwell poorhouse,

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and it smashed a Thames steam boat against Blackfriars Bridge.

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Can we do anything with it yet?

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Has some scientist managed to, you know, like create...

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-With the sewage?

-..create power or something?

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Well, the gas, they used to burn

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the gas off sometimes at the top of the stink pipes.

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In fact, in Sheffield, you can still see that,

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some of the gas being burnt off.

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But whether they could actually power things with sewage,

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that would be fantastic.

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Right, time for a little food.

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I want you to smell this oil and tell me what has been added to it.

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There you go.

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Is it truffle?

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Well... SIREN RINGS

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Idiot. I'm an idiot.

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That's the thing with being

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a worldwide international restaurant critic...

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..when I get a taste of the truffle, I can't... Yeah.

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Here is the thing -

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almost all truffle oil on the market has never seen a truffle.

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It's a mixture of olive oil and chemicals

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which gives it its truffle aroma.

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So what you do is you take methyl mercaptan, which is

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the main compound in bad breath and smelly feet,

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and you add it to some formaldehyde.

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I love the smell of truffle.

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The Epicureans said the scent smelled like

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the tussled sheets on a brothel bed.

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And medieval monks were not allowed to have truffles, because it

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was believed that it would make them forget their calling.

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I don't know... These are unbelievably expensive.

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We have some actual truffles there.

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There's some surprising stuff

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in the world of food that you wouldn't know.

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So you wouldn't know mostly when you buy truffle oil

0:16:530:16:55

that it's never been anywhere near a truffle.

0:16:550:16:57

And also, can I recommend a book to you called

0:16:570:17:00

Extra Virginity: The Sublime And Scandalous World Of Olive Oil, OK?

0:17:000:17:04

And it turns out that there's a huge amount of

0:17:040:17:07

fraudulent mislabelling in the olive oil world.

0:17:070:17:10

Apparently, over 50% of olive oil sold in Italy is adulterated,

0:17:100:17:15

and 75-80% in the United States is completely adulterated.

0:17:150:17:17

You'd think you're getting that... Well, this is...

0:17:170:17:20

They should have, on the extra virgin olive oil,

0:17:200:17:22

just have, like, in brackets, "may contain slag".

0:17:220:17:26

LAUGHTER

0:17:260:17:28

APPLAUSE

0:17:310:17:33

Definitely, possibly a double sticker on that one, I think.

0:17:360:17:39

There's a double, so I think that was definitely...

0:17:390:17:42

-Extra "phor"!

-Excellent.

0:17:420:17:43

Now, do you have the ability to sniff out crime?

0:17:430:17:48

Depends what kind of crime.

0:17:490:17:51

He who smelt it dealt it - that is legally binding.

0:17:510:17:54

Today I probably couldn't sniff out a crime,

0:17:550:17:58

because of the cold, aforementioned.

0:17:580:17:59

But, I mean, I guess you could smell certain types of crime?

0:17:590:18:03

Well, they did some research in the Karolinska Institute in Sweden,

0:18:030:18:07

a Professor Mats Olsson,

0:18:070:18:09

and people can tell a criminal by smell as well as by sight.

0:18:090:18:13

So they showed some video clips to people of crimes being committed,

0:18:130:18:17

and asked them to smell, at the same time,

0:18:170:18:19

the body odour of the person who was committing it.

0:18:190:18:21

And when there was a line-up, just by the smell of the person,

0:18:210:18:25

they were able to work out, 70% of the time, which is exactly the same

0:18:250:18:28

as a visual line-up, they were able to work out which person it was.

0:18:280:18:33

If the shirt don't whiff, you must...acquit.

0:18:330:18:36

That is the law.

0:18:380:18:39

I cannot wait to see the Swedish version of Sherlock,

0:18:390:18:42

-cos it's just him going...

-HE SNIFFS

0:18:420:18:44

"Smell-a-mentory, my dear Watson."

0:18:440:18:46

-LAUGHTER AND GROANS

-Hey, come on!

0:18:460:18:48

-APPLAUSE

-Yes!

0:18:480:18:50

Oh, no. You've blown it.

0:18:530:18:57

-Has he got any stickers?

-Uh...

0:18:570:18:58

-Have you got any stickers, Nish?

-No.

-He hasn't got any.

0:18:580:19:00

-No, cos I was going to ask for them back.

-Take one back.

0:19:000:19:03

But there are places... So in Alaska, Florida, New York,

0:19:050:19:08

they use scent line-ups.

0:19:080:19:10

But to fair, they use dogs, rather than human beings,

0:19:100:19:13

because the human can smell with,

0:19:130:19:15

we have about five or six million odour-detecting cells.

0:19:150:19:18

-A dog, how many do you reckon?

-10 million.

0:19:180:19:21

220 million.

0:19:210:19:23

And actually, even rabbits have more than us -

0:19:230:19:25

they have 100 million.

0:19:250:19:26

So, what we're going to do now is we're going to test out

0:19:260:19:29

how a dog does on sniffing things out.

0:19:290:19:31

I have here some contraband, which I am going to give to you, Alan.

0:19:310:19:36

OK.

0:19:360:19:37

And what I would like you to do is put it in your pocket...

0:19:370:19:39

-Put it in my...

-..and go and hide in the audience.

0:19:390:19:42

Go and hide in Croydon!

0:19:420:19:43

So the audience have got special masks to put on.

0:19:450:19:48

So if they could put, those who've got masks could put them on.

0:19:480:19:51

-Oh, my God!

-It's terrifying.

0:19:510:19:53

-Urgh, it's like a sea of... It's awful.

-Completely terrifying.

0:19:530:19:56

Now this is a very special episode of Jonathan Creek.

0:19:580:20:01

I never thought I'd be involved in a live game of Where's Wally?

0:20:030:20:06

OK. We now welcome please to the studio, from the RAF Police,

0:20:090:20:13

Corporal Sam Robson-Rodriguez and Rex.

0:20:130:20:15

APPLAUSE

0:20:150:20:17

Sam, thank you so much for coming in and supplying us

0:20:260:20:28

with the dummy contraband.

0:20:280:20:30

Tell me about Rex and what his job is.

0:20:300:20:32

Well, Rex is a five-year-old black Lab.

0:20:320:20:35

His main job is to search for drugs

0:20:350:20:36

anywhere we want to put him, basically.

0:20:360:20:38

And how's he trained?

0:20:380:20:39

How do you make him be able to do that?

0:20:390:20:41

Well, we start searching for, like, their toys, and then we just

0:20:410:20:44

associate the toys with the drugs, so then they think they're searching

0:20:440:20:47

for their toy, whereas in fact, we want them to search for the drugs.

0:20:470:20:50

And how many scents can Rex recognise, do you think?

0:20:500:20:52

He's trained on all the main scents,

0:20:520:20:53

and basically anything you can make out of that.

0:20:530:20:55

-So, he looks keen to get going.

-He does.

0:20:550:20:57

-Right, Sam, please, over to you, my lovely.

-Thank you very much.

0:20:570:21:00

Rex. Come here.

0:21:030:21:04

I do hope nobody in the audience has got anything...

0:21:040:21:07

-Do you know what? I really hope somebody does.

-NISH:

-Yeah.

0:21:090:21:12

That would be... Wouldn't that just be the best bit of telly ever?

0:21:120:21:15

If you just... If he dragged someone to the floor and just,

0:21:150:21:18

just dragged them out.

0:21:180:21:19

-A live drug-bust on QI.

-Brilliant.

0:21:190:21:23

He's so far...ignoring everybody. So that's good for that side.

0:21:230:21:27

How will he...? How will he show if he knows?

0:21:290:21:32

-They have either a stand indication or a sit indication.

-Oh.

0:21:320:21:36

Is he sniffing your crotch, Alan?

0:21:360:21:38

-Is it in your left pocket?

-Oh, my God!

0:21:400:21:42

Let's have a round of applause, please, for Rex and Sam.

0:21:420:21:46

APPLAUSE

0:21:460:21:47

Sam and Rex, very good. Thank you very much.

0:21:510:21:53

And thank you to all my Alans. What a very, very spooky sight that was.

0:21:590:22:02

-That was very, very spooky.

-It was extremely unpleasant.

0:22:020:22:05

Right, it's time for the stinking miasma that is General Ignorance.

0:22:050:22:09

Fingers on buzzers, please.

0:22:090:22:10

In which country was the full bikini wax invented?

0:22:100:22:13

# Smell the roses... # Sally?

0:22:130:22:15

I think I'm going to fall into a hole. I'm going to say Brazil.

0:22:150:22:18

It's not right, is it?

0:22:180:22:20

-SIREN RINGS No.

-Argh!

0:22:200:22:22

-It's not Brazil.

-Croydon.

0:22:220:22:24

It's not Croydon. Any more? Any more?

0:22:240:22:26

Australia? America?

0:22:260:22:27

It is America. It is in the United States.

0:22:270:22:29

So, there's a woman called Jonice Padilha

0:22:290:22:32

of J Sisters salon in Manhattan.

0:22:320:22:34

They pioneered the Brazilian bikini wax in the early 1990s,

0:22:340:22:38

and Playboy tried to patent it as an idea.

0:22:380:22:41

And in order to stop them doing that, she said, "Oh, no, no,

0:22:410:22:44

"you can't do that, it's tremendously popular throughout

0:22:440:22:46

"my entire home country, and therefore it is unpatentable."

0:22:460:22:49

And that is... You have to use proper wax there.

0:22:490:22:52

Never just think you can use honey.

0:22:520:22:54

You speak from experience, then?

0:22:550:22:57

Oh, it stings in so many different ways.

0:22:570:22:59

The salon still exists and it's opposite Trump Tower.

0:23:010:23:04

So you can actually have a Brazilian

0:23:040:23:06

and avoid being grabbed by the pussy at the same time.

0:23:060:23:08

They came up with the process after other salons refused to wax

0:23:090:23:13

-that area, apparently.

-Oh, wow.

0:23:130:23:15

Apparently one of the world's most expensive car waxes

0:23:150:23:17

is also Brazilian.

0:23:170:23:18

It is called Carnauba wax, made from a palm tree

0:23:180:23:21

that only grows in north-east Brazil.

0:23:210:23:23

-Handy if you've got a hairy car.

-Yeah.

0:23:230:23:25

You can get a French wax as well,

0:23:270:23:28

but it only waxes a strip down the middle of the bonnet.

0:23:280:23:31

Why should you be worried about how you store your toothbrush?

0:23:320:23:36

Is it to do with things that crawl around at night

0:23:360:23:38

and crawl about your brushes?

0:23:380:23:40

LAUGHTER

0:23:400:23:43

-Do you think there are things crawling about your bathroom?

-Yeah.

0:23:430:23:46

If you put your toothbrush in the wrong place,

0:23:460:23:48

it's more susceptible to interference from...from...

0:23:480:23:51

..some creatures.

0:23:520:23:54

Are you worried about the Wombles?

0:23:540:23:56

There is a common belief that if you keep your toothbrush

0:23:580:24:01

in the same room as the toilet,

0:24:010:24:02

it will get covered in faecal matter.

0:24:020:24:04

So, here is the good news...

0:24:040:24:06

Well, to be fair, that is true, but that's only after my wife

0:24:060:24:08

and I had a bit of an argument.

0:24:080:24:10

She told me two or three days later, so, you know...

0:24:110:24:14

It's true. Your whole house has got faecal matter,

0:24:150:24:17

but it has no effect on you whatsoever. It's fine.

0:24:170:24:20

According to the American Dental Association, there's "insufficient

0:24:200:24:23

"clinical evidence to support that bacterial growth on toothbrushes

0:24:230:24:26

"will lead to specific adverse oral or systemic health effects."

0:24:260:24:31

It's good, it's good to know, now I can use my toothbrush to just

0:24:310:24:35

buff me downstairs. Free from worry.

0:24:350:24:38

It's good to know you don't have to worry about creatures

0:24:380:24:40

crawling around your toothbrush.

0:24:400:24:42

Really, really small cougars at night.

0:24:440:24:46

Can you name an animal well known for playing possum?

0:24:480:24:52

-Is this a trick question?

-Yes.

0:24:530:24:56

I've been playing this game for 15 years now...

0:24:560:24:58

-and I smell a rat!

-FART

0:24:580:25:00

-Ah.

-A possum.

-Possum.

0:25:000:25:02

SIREN RINGS A possum, yay!

0:25:020:25:05

-It isn't.

-Feigning death, right, is that what that is?

0:25:080:25:10

It is, it's called thanatosis.

0:25:100:25:11

But it isn't the possum that does it,

0:25:110:25:13

it is the expression that we use - it is the opossum.

0:25:130:25:17

-So it's one of those great confusions.

-Irish possum.

0:25:170:25:20

IN IRISH ACCENT: Which is an O'possum. An O'possum.

0:25:200:25:23

The opossum is on the right there, the little white-faced one.

0:25:230:25:26

And the possum is on the left. They're both marsupials.

0:25:260:25:29

The possum actually lives in Australia,

0:25:290:25:31

the opossum lives in the United States.

0:25:310:25:33

And apart from them both being marsupials,

0:25:330:25:35

there's not really much that they have in common.

0:25:350:25:37

The similarity between the name

0:25:370:25:38

stems from Captain's Cook's voyage to Australia.

0:25:380:25:41

The naturalist Joseph Banks, he mistook the animals

0:25:410:25:44

that he saw for American opossums.

0:25:440:25:46

We were in Australia when my daughter was very little, and

0:25:460:25:49

we used to go... The only way she'd go to sleep at night is if we

0:25:490:25:52

could go out in the street and find a possum, and then she could rest.

0:25:520:25:55

-Aw.

-And they used to walk along the telephone wires -

0:25:550:25:57

that was the best place to find them.

0:25:570:25:59

We had possums that lived in our roof, and they used to sigh.

0:25:590:26:03

So you'd be watching the telly, and you would, you'd hear in the roof,

0:26:030:26:06

you'd hear, "Oh..."

0:26:060:26:08

They do it quite a lot, and you'd be sort of like, "They're off again."

0:26:100:26:13

And then, "Oh..." There was one day, I was in the house by myself...

0:26:130:26:16

What were you watching?

0:26:160:26:17

Well, this was the thing - I was watching documentaries,

0:26:170:26:20

and there was a "Oh... Oh..."

0:26:200:26:22

-Did they want you to change channels?

-Yeah.

0:26:220:26:24

I put it onto the music channel - not a peep out of them.

0:26:240:26:27

According to the Guinness Book of Animal Records,

0:26:290:26:31

the smelliest animal on Earth is the zorilla, or striped polecat.

0:26:310:26:35

You're going to love this.

0:26:350:26:37

The emissions from their anal glands not only stink, but can temporarily

0:26:370:26:40

blind predators and cause painful burning sensations on the skin.

0:26:400:26:46

So that is a seriously stinky creature.

0:26:460:26:48

Yeah, and you can't get it out of your jeans.

0:26:480:26:51

The smell, or the animal?

0:26:510:26:54

"So, sorry, officer, er..."

0:26:540:26:56

Just have a look at this VT, which I really love.

0:26:580:27:00

The karaftohelix snail, it does the complete opposite of playing possum.

0:27:000:27:04

Have a look. Rather than retreat into its shell,

0:27:040:27:06

it goes on the offensive.

0:27:060:27:08

It uses its shell - look at that - as a battering ram to hit.

0:27:080:27:11

-Oh, that's very cool.

-Isn't that wonderful?

0:27:110:27:14

That is very cool, to be able to do that.

0:27:140:27:16

If I could swing my arse like that...

0:27:160:27:18

-You wouldn't be wasting your time sat here, would you?

-No.

0:27:200:27:23

If you think you see a possum playing possum,

0:27:250:27:27

then they're probably dead.

0:27:270:27:29

So, let's check it out.

0:27:290:27:31

In first place, coming up smelling of roses with three points,

0:27:310:27:35

it's Nish.

0:27:350:27:37

APPLAUSE

0:27:370:27:39

I still haven't got a sticker.

0:27:390:27:41

In second place, with minus two, Alan!

0:27:420:27:45

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:450:27:47

In third place, with minus three, Ross.

0:27:470:27:50

APPLAUSE

0:27:500:27:52

In last place, stinking the place out, with minus five, it's Sally!

0:27:530:27:57

APPLAUSE

0:27:570:28:01

So, we like to give a prize.

0:28:040:28:06

Taking home tonight's prize, a truly odious odour -

0:28:080:28:12

the actual scent of the Apocalypse goes to Sally. There you go.

0:28:120:28:16

It only remains for me to thank Sally, Ross, Nish and Alan.

0:28:190:28:23

And I leave you with this tall tale from a toilet.

0:28:230:28:25

Tallulah Bankhead was in a cubicle in the ladies'.

0:28:250:28:27

"Do you have any toilet paper?"

0:28:270:28:29

she asked the occupant of the next stall.

0:28:290:28:31

"No," came the reply.

0:28:310:28:32

"Then, do you have any Kleenex?" she asked.

0:28:320:28:34

"Sorry, no," the lady said again.

0:28:340:28:36

"Then, can you change a ten for two fives?"

0:28:360:28:39

Thank you, goodnight!

0:28:390:28:41

Sandi Toksvig considers all things odorous and odious. Why is the world's second-smelliest man so frustrated? Sandi has the answer. With Sally Phillips, Ross Noble, Nish Kumar and Alan Davies.


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