Operations QI


Operations

Similar Content

Browse content similar to Operations. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

APPLAUSE

0:00:240:00:26

Hey, good evening.

0:00:300:00:32

Welcome to QI,

0:00:330:00:35

for a show which is an overwhelming O-ssortment of operations.

0:00:350:00:40

And joining me in my theatre team are, Dr No, Bill Bailey.

0:00:400:00:44

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:00:440:00:46

Dr Who, Rhod Gilbert.

0:00:490:00:50

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:00:500:00:52

Dr Doolittle, Katherine Ryan.

0:00:550:00:57

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:00:570:00:58

And...

0:01:010:01:02

"Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a pair of curtains", Alan Davies.

0:01:020:01:05

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:01:050:01:07

-Pull yourself together.

-Pull yourself together.

0:01:070:01:09

Right, let's see how the patient's doing. Rhod goes...

0:01:100:01:13

FLATLINING HEART MONITOR BEEP

0:01:130:01:15

LAUGHTER

0:01:150:01:16

Oh, that's bad, we've lost one already. OK, Katherine goes...

0:01:180:01:21

REGULAR HEART MONITOR BEEP

0:01:210:01:23

Oh, that's better, that's much better. Yes.

0:01:230:01:25

Yeah, we've got it.

0:01:250:01:26

OK. Bill goes...

0:01:260:01:28

RAPID HEART MONITOR BEEP

0:01:280:01:30

Wow, that's... And Alan goes...

0:01:300:01:32

BEEP

0:01:320:01:33

Vehicle reversing. Vehicle reversing.

0:01:330:01:35

Vehicle reversing...

0:01:350:01:36

-They're so loud, some of those trucks.

-They are!

0:01:380:01:40

Somewhere, the other day, I was about 50 yards away

0:01:400:01:42

and it was going, "This truck is turning left!"

0:01:420:01:45

"It's turning left!" And it wasn't.

0:01:450:01:47

I know, it's annoying.

0:01:470:01:49

Right, let's start with a special operation.

0:01:490:01:51

How can you turn a muffin into an offensive weapon?

0:01:510:01:56

I have muffins for you all.

0:01:560:01:57

There you are, there's some muffins, help yourselves.

0:01:570:02:00

Douse it in petrol.

0:02:000:02:01

-OK. Yes.

-I don't know, just chuck it at someone?

0:02:010:02:03

Chuck it at somebody? Rhod, what do you reckon?

0:02:030:02:05

Turning a muffin into some kind of offensive weapon?

0:02:050:02:08

Just remove the "May contain nuts" label from it.

0:02:080:02:10

LAUGHTER

0:02:100:02:11

Yeah. We're in World War II.

0:02:130:02:15

You drop it out of a plane.

0:02:150:02:17

Just a single muffin?

0:02:170:02:18

A muffin.

0:02:180:02:20

"That'll teach you, Germans! Yeah."

0:02:200:02:23

"Argh, it's got me in the eye!"

0:02:230:02:24

Was it poisoned, was it presented to Hitler?

0:02:240:02:27

"Oh, there you go, obst und mein Fuhrer."

0:02:270:02:29

It is the most bizarre thing, Bill.

0:02:290:02:31

During World War II, flour mix was invented

0:02:310:02:34

that could either be eaten, or used as an explosive.

0:02:340:02:37

LAUGHTER

0:02:370:02:39

And, yeah, so the mix was invented by the Office of Strategic Services,

0:02:390:02:42

so that's the CIA's parent organisation.

0:02:420:02:44

Wow.

0:02:440:02:45

It consisted of 75% explosive powder and 25% ordinary wheat flour,

0:02:450:02:48

which is the way I like my muffins.

0:02:480:02:50

LAUGHTER

0:02:500:02:51

And if the holder was challenged,

0:02:510:02:53

it could either be eaten, or you could blow somebody up.

0:02:530:02:55

-So the early versions made you quite ill.

-No shit!

0:02:550:02:57

-Yeah.

-Yeah. I think that was part of the problem.

-Yes, yes.

0:02:570:03:00

LAUGHTER

0:03:000:03:02

But, later versions, they made it fully edible

0:03:020:03:04

and it didn't matter whether you had made the flour into a cake.

0:03:040:03:06

You could stick a fuse into a muffin and it would still blow up.

0:03:060:03:09

Have you ever done that thing of making an exploding cake

0:03:090:03:12

for a children's birthday party?

0:03:120:03:13

It's very naughty, but it's terribly funny.

0:03:130:03:15

-And potentially fatal.

-Yes.

0:03:150:03:17

LAUGHTER

0:03:170:03:18

You make a totally hollow cake and then you stick a balloon

0:03:180:03:20

in the middle and then you ice the whole thing

0:03:200:03:23

and when they cut into it, it goes, boom!

0:03:230:03:24

LAUGHTER

0:03:240:03:26

-A very good idea.

-That's a good trick, isn't it?

0:03:260:03:28

-I'm very, very pleased with it.

-That's a brilliant idea, yes.

0:03:280:03:31

Of course, the Germans had it, as well,

0:03:310:03:32

they had bombs that were disguised as a chocolate bar.

0:03:320:03:34

They had a mess tin full of bangers and mash,

0:03:340:03:36

which in fact was exploding.

0:03:360:03:38

Irresistible to the British Tommy!

0:03:380:03:39

LAUGHTER

0:03:390:03:40

"We jolly well shouldn't eat this, Roger."

0:03:420:03:44

"You're right, we shouldn't eat it."

0:03:440:03:46

"Enjoying your breakfast, Tommy?" "Yes, thank you." Boom!

0:03:460:03:49

LAUGHTER

0:03:490:03:50

And bombs were sometimes left in books

0:03:500:03:52

and were triggered by the removal of a picture

0:03:520:03:55

of a scantily clad woman!

0:03:550:03:57

COMEDIC GASPS

0:03:570:03:59

"Don't remove the picture, Roger." "I can't resist her."

0:03:590:04:01

Can't resist her.

0:04:010:04:02

LAUGHTER

0:04:020:04:04

Now, I am about to carry out an operation.

0:04:040:04:08

What's the first question I should ask myself?

0:04:080:04:10

LAUGHTER

0:04:100:04:12

Is there a balloon in the patient?

0:04:120:04:14

LAUGHTER

0:04:140:04:16

Should I have taken all these selfies with the sleeping patient?

0:04:160:04:19

LAUGHTER

0:04:190:04:20

Am I sober?

0:04:200:04:22

Yes. Where am I?

0:04:220:04:23

Should I at least have a quick look on Wikihow?

0:04:230:04:26

Absolutely.

0:04:260:04:27

LAUGHTER

0:04:270:04:29

So, there's a list of questions.

0:04:290:04:31

-Is there? An official list?

-There's a list of questions.

0:04:310:04:34

The first thing you have to ask yourself is,

0:04:340:04:36

do we have the right patient?

0:04:360:04:38

-Do we have the right patient?

-Is the very first question.

0:04:380:04:40

Make sure you know which bit of the body

0:04:400:04:43

you are going to be operating on.

0:04:430:04:45

-I thought "location" meant am I in the hospital?

-Yeah. Yes.

0:04:450:04:48

I'm in the shed with the pliers, is this best practice?

0:04:480:04:51

LAUGHTER

0:04:510:04:52

If it had said "identity" and then "location, location, location".

0:04:520:04:56

LAUGHTER

0:04:560:04:57

What are we doing in that location?

0:04:570:04:59

In other words, what is the procedure that we're going to do?

0:04:590:05:01

And did the patient, before they were conked-out,

0:05:010:05:03

say that it was OK to do this?

0:05:030:05:05

-Ah.

-So these are the things.

-It's really basic stuff, this.

-Yeah.

0:05:050:05:07

I thought our surgeons were kind of ahead of this stuff.

0:05:070:05:10

That's the extraordinary thing. 2008, the World Health Organization,

0:05:100:05:13

they composed a set of 19 questions to be asked before

0:05:130:05:16

and after all surgical operations, to reduce hospital errors.

0:05:160:05:19

And it's called the Safe Surgery checklist.

0:05:190:05:21

And it sounds really simple,

0:05:210:05:23

but the use of this check list has reduced deaths by 40%...

0:05:230:05:27

Oh, no!

0:05:270:05:28

..and complications by one third.

0:05:280:05:31

So is that the... So before all these checks then,

0:05:310:05:34

were there just surgeons just going, "Right, bring him in!"

0:05:340:05:37

Yeah, yeah.

0:05:370:05:38

LAUGHTER

0:05:380:05:40

"Right, all done! Right, come on."

0:05:400:05:41

"Let's just tuck in, come on!"

0:05:410:05:42

"He looks like he could have his leg off."

0:05:420:05:44

"Come on. Next!"

0:05:440:05:46

LAUGHTER

0:05:460:05:47

One surgeon who had no problem identifying the patient whatsoever

0:05:470:05:50

was a Soviet surgeon called Leonid Rogozov.

0:05:500:05:53

So he realised he had appendicitis, but he was visiting

0:05:530:05:55

the Antarctic and so he had no choice but to operate on himself.

0:05:550:06:00

-Oof!

-So he described the pain as...

0:06:000:06:02

"A snowstorm whipping through my soul, wailing like 100 jackals."

0:06:020:06:07

LAUGHTER

0:06:070:06:09

I think he wrote that long after he was better

0:06:090:06:11

because I don't think you're going to come out with that sentence

0:06:110:06:14

-while you're...

-"What's it feel like, Leonid?"

0:06:140:06:16

"It feels like a snow storm whipping through..."

0:06:160:06:18

Yeah. He worked on himself for an hour and 45 minutes,

0:06:180:06:21

and he was back at work within a fortnight.

0:06:210:06:23

He worked on himself for an hour and 45...

0:06:230:06:26

LAUGHTER

0:06:260:06:27

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

0:06:270:06:29

Well, it's that kind of thought, Rhod,

0:06:290:06:32

that led a man called Boston Corbett to perform self-surgery.

0:06:320:06:36

Here is Boston Corbett.

0:06:360:06:37

He is famous in history as the man

0:06:370:06:39

who killed Abraham Lincoln's assassin, John Wilkes Booth.

0:06:390:06:42

But he believed that he was very tempted by ladies, and that he

0:06:420:06:46

didn't like this, so he castrated himself with a pair of scissors.

0:06:460:06:49

-Ooh!

-GASPS

0:06:490:06:51

Oh, good action, good action from the audience there.

0:06:510:06:53

In order to avoid temptation of prostitutes...

0:06:530:06:55

He cut his own testicles off with a scissors

0:06:550:06:57

to avoid the temptation of...

0:06:570:06:58

-Yes.

-Why didn't he just walk down a different street?

-Yes.

0:06:580:07:01

LAUGHTER

0:07:010:07:03

He thought that eunuchs were more likely to get into heaven.

0:07:030:07:05

-Oh, my word!

-I like him, I wish more men would take this path.

0:07:050:07:08

Every house has got scissors.

0:07:100:07:12

LAUGHTER

0:07:120:07:13

They say that delivering a child hurts as much as having

0:07:130:07:16

your leg amputated at the thigh

0:07:160:07:19

without any pain relief.

0:07:190:07:21

Who has been through those two things that could tell?

0:07:210:07:24

LAUGHTER

0:07:240:07:25

That's unlucky. That's a bad day, isn't it?

0:07:250:07:28

Yeah, that's not good. Now, doctors, what's your diagnosis here?

0:07:280:07:32

LAUGHTER

0:07:320:07:33

He'd fallen asleep on a stag do.

0:07:350:07:37

LAUGHTER

0:07:370:07:39

He was running a circus school and his students hated him.

0:07:390:07:42

The world's worst.

0:07:420:07:43

It's a party game, is it?

0:07:430:07:45

Pin the sword on the nutter.

0:07:450:07:47

LAUGHTER

0:07:470:07:48

So, this is possibly one of the earliest

0:07:490:07:52

anatomical drawings for medics.

0:07:520:07:54

He was known as the Wound Man.

0:07:540:07:56

It's a medieval image, first printed in a book, 1491, in Venice.

0:07:560:08:00

It's all the various things, so he's been injured, if you look there,

0:08:000:08:03

with daggers, he's been shot with arrows, he's been lacerated,

0:08:030:08:06

he's been stung by bees, scorpions, been clubbed in the head.

0:08:060:08:08

Bitten by a dog, scratched by thorns.

0:08:080:08:10

Blasted by cannonballs, he's definitely got plague

0:08:100:08:13

and bad spots, and he appears to have a toad in his stomach.

0:08:130:08:15

So, it's, as it were, the contents page to the book.

0:08:150:08:19

What a shame though, for a guy who obviously looks after himself

0:08:190:08:21

and goes to the gym.

0:08:210:08:23

LAUGHTER

0:08:230:08:24

To go down like that.

0:08:240:08:26

-He eats Paleo.

-Yeah.

0:08:260:08:28

You know, he's really healthy, he thought he'd have a long life...

0:08:280:08:31

-Uh-oh.

-Yeah, all of those things happen to him.

0:08:310:08:33

He's a curious contradiction, though,

0:08:330:08:35

because he doesn't look after his appearance enough

0:08:350:08:38

-to remove a sword from his head.

-No.

0:08:380:08:40

But he does buy his underwear in Agent Provocateur.

0:08:400:08:43

LAUGHTER

0:08:430:08:44

Yeah. They're quite snug.

0:08:450:08:46

They are on the tight side, aren't they?

0:08:460:08:48

-Yeah. Ironically, that's the most pain he's in.

-Yeah.

0:08:480:08:51

LAUGHTER

0:08:510:08:52

"It's gone right up me arse, that has!"

0:08:530:08:56

-Ooh.

-He's come back from a sort of Civil War re-enactment, you know.

0:08:560:09:00

"So, how did it go?" "Don't ask!"

0:09:000:09:02

"They nicked my armour, I'm left in my pants, look at this!"

0:09:050:09:08

LAUGHTER

0:09:080:09:09

Oh, dear.

0:09:090:09:10

The doctor's going to go, "I'm going to try something new."

0:09:100:09:13

"Don't pooh-pooh it straight away, it's called acupuncture.

0:09:130:09:15

Yeah.

0:09:150:09:16

LAUGHTER

0:09:160:09:18

They also had one for women, it isn't just the Wound Man.

0:09:180:09:20

They had Disease Woman.

0:09:200:09:22

LAUGHTER

0:09:220:09:23

There she is. And...

0:09:250:09:27

Is Marvel running out of superheroes?

0:09:270:09:29

LAUGHTER

0:09:290:09:30

Look over there, it's Disease Woman!

0:09:300:09:33

In the United States they have an exceptionally complex system

0:09:330:09:36

for categorising injuries.

0:09:360:09:38

It's called the ICD-10 System.

0:09:380:09:40

The International Classification of Diseases.

0:09:400:09:42

There are 140,000 detailed codes for different complaints,

0:09:420:09:46

and they are extremely specific.

0:09:460:09:48

So they include "bitten by orca".

0:09:480:09:51

"Forced landing of spacecraft injuring occupant."

0:09:510:09:55

"Asphyxiation due to being trapped in a car trunk."

0:09:560:09:59

"Burn due to water-skis on fire..."

0:09:590:10:03

That's really hard!

0:10:050:10:06

-How could that ever happen?

-I don't know.

-That is so unlucky.

0:10:060:10:09

But my absolute favourite - "hurt at opera".

0:10:090:10:12

Otherwise known as the Abraham Lincoln.

0:10:140:10:17

Yes. The first attempts to categorise diseases in this country

0:10:170:10:20

are the Bills of Mortality.

0:10:200:10:22

And there was a man called John Graunt,

0:10:220:10:24

who was actually a haberdasher, but he was very interested

0:10:240:10:27

in trying to work out the various things that people died of.

0:10:270:10:29

So we're talking 16th century. And he put together these

0:10:290:10:32

Bills of Mortality, and they're great. If you have a look,

0:10:320:10:34

these are the different things that people died of. They are just...

0:10:340:10:37

"Griping in the guts," 1,288 people died of that, "griping in the guts".

0:10:370:10:41

Griping.

0:10:410:10:42

-"Lethargy" is already my favourite.

-That's a good one.

0:10:420:10:44

-That's quite good, yeah.

-"Oh, I can't be bothered."

0:10:440:10:46

-That's the way I want to go.

-Yeah!

0:10:460:10:48

-Lethargy.

-Just too lethargic to live.

0:10:480:10:50

I quite like "frighted". 23 people died "frighted".

0:10:500:10:53

That's good - "killed by several accidents".

0:10:530:10:55

I like the "found dead in the streets, field, etc."

0:10:570:11:00

"What, how did he die?" "I don't know, they just found him."

0:11:000:11:03

-He, no, he was just, he was just dead.

-Just found him.

0:11:030:11:05

Some of these Bills of Mortality, they just had,

0:11:050:11:08

"Cause of death - suddenly." That's it, just...

0:11:080:11:10

-That'll sort you out.

-Yeah.

0:11:110:11:13

-"Teeth and worms"!

-How do you die of teeth and worms?

0:11:130:11:16

Two thousand, six hundred and...

0:11:160:11:17

I'll tell you what, Wound Man would have read that, and he'd go,

0:11:170:11:20

"Yeah, I've had that, I've had that, I've had that.

0:11:200:11:23

-"I've had all them."

-Brain surgery - new, old?

0:11:230:11:26

Oh, no, it's probably old, isn't it?

0:11:260:11:28

I don't know. This is not brain surgery,

0:11:280:11:30

but it's about a doctor's understanding of the brain.

0:11:300:11:32

There was a guy who got, on the railroads,

0:11:320:11:34

who got, he had an accident

0:11:340:11:35

and he got a four-foot metal rod through his head.

0:11:350:11:37

-Right.

-Phineas somebody.

0:11:370:11:40

-Phineas Gage.

-Phineas Gage.

-Yeah.

0:11:400:11:41

Phineas Gage had an accident, pole through his head,

0:11:410:11:44

and they left it in,

0:11:440:11:46

because they didn't want to take it out in case it killed him.

0:11:460:11:49

-Yeah.

-And he was fine until a train came through.

0:11:490:11:51

And then it affected his mood, so they were wondering where it had,

0:11:540:11:56

had it damaged his frontal cortex? Because I mean, I don't know

0:11:560:11:59

why they were so surprised it affected his moods, to be honest.

0:11:590:12:01

-Yeah.

-But his boss was saying he started swearing,

0:12:010:12:03

his wife left him, I think.

0:12:030:12:05

All his friends saying, "He's a real misery now."

0:12:050:12:08

I should imagine his wife left him.

0:12:080:12:10

-He probably couldn't get in the house.

-I know.

0:12:100:12:13

"Watch what you're doing with your pole!" "What?" "Ow!"

0:12:130:12:15

He had to do a three-point turn on the trains, just to turn round.

0:12:150:12:19

But we're going back much further than the 19th century, so Neolithic.

0:12:190:12:22

It's probably the oldest of the practised medical arts,

0:12:220:12:24

-brain surgery.

-Would this be trepanning, or something like that?

0:12:240:12:27

-So, trepanning, yes.

-Yes.

-They'd drill a hole in the head

0:12:270:12:29

because they want to get out the little tiny bits of bone that have

0:12:290:12:32

gone into the brain when they've been hit with a club or something.

0:12:320:12:35

A drill, though, how did they have a drill in Neolithic times?

0:12:350:12:37

-Ah, well, they would have had, like, a chisel.

-What would it have

0:12:370:12:40

-been in Neolithic times? What would the chisel be made out of?

-Stone.

0:12:400:12:42

A stone chisel. And then the hammer was made out of stone?

0:12:420:12:45

-Yeah.

-And the bed was made out of stone, I'm guessing?

0:12:450:12:47

There was a lot of stone. There was a lot of stone, yeah.

0:12:470:12:49

Have you seen The Flintstones? It's just like that, yeah.

0:12:490:12:52

But surely in Neolithic period, they didn't know that your brain

0:12:530:12:57

was as important as it is. Because wasn't there a time

0:12:570:12:59

when they thought that your whole personality was in your chest?

0:12:590:13:02

Yeah, but everybody would have known what it was to have a headache.

0:13:020:13:05

I don't think that's a new thing.

0:13:050:13:07

Can you imagine if you'd said that to Phineas Gage?

0:13:070:13:09

"Yes, Phineas, we all know what it's like to have a headache."

0:13:090:13:12

I think maybe a lot of your personality is somehow

0:13:140:13:17

-in your chest.

-OK, some girls feel that. That's fine.

0:13:170:13:19

I like her.

0:13:230:13:25

I think we think from here sometimes.

0:13:270:13:30

Yes, we think in an emotional manner, rather than...

0:13:300:13:32

-Yes, I would agree with you.

-Yeah.

0:13:320:13:34

It's a good foot above where we think from.

0:13:340:13:36

Wound Man was a medieval superhero

0:13:390:13:41

whose superpower was having everything wrong with him.

0:13:410:13:43

What would you do if you found 2,000 skeletons in your closet?

0:13:430:13:48

I would cancel my dog's credit card.

0:13:480:13:50

Katherine, what do you reckon?

0:13:540:13:55

I live in a Catholic church conversion,

0:13:550:13:57

so it is likely there are.

0:13:570:13:59

-Oh. Does it feel spooky?

-It doesn't feel spooky.

0:13:590:14:02

My nana was really upset, but it's been deconsecrated

0:14:020:14:05

so that you can swear in it, and do all sorts.

0:14:050:14:07

I expect that happened before, don't you?

0:14:070:14:09

-She checked.

-Oh, really? OK.

-Mm-hmm.

0:14:090:14:11

-Is she Catholic?

-She is Irish Catholic, so, I mean...

0:14:110:14:14

-Oh, right.

-And dead.

0:14:140:14:16

And yet she still came over to check. That's love.

0:14:180:14:22

She was a little too nosy for her own good.

0:14:220:14:25

So, a collection of thousands of skeletons was discovered in Rome

0:14:250:14:27

in 1578, and nobody knew who they were, and the Church thought,

0:14:270:14:32

"This is fantastic," because for several decades, the Protestants had

0:14:320:14:35

been stealing their relics, and what they really needed was new ones.

0:14:350:14:40

So, they employed psychics to try and see if there were any martyrs

0:14:400:14:44

amongst them. And when they found a likely candidate, they gave them

0:14:440:14:47

a new name and a back-story and they sent them out to the churches

0:14:470:14:50

across Europe.

0:14:500:14:52

They couldn't actually sell them as relics, but what they could do is

0:14:520:14:54

they could charge them transport, decoration, induction, blessing.

0:14:540:15:00

They would dress them up, they would cover them in jewels,

0:15:000:15:02

like this, and put them on display.

0:15:020:15:04

The real problem with this was they didn't send them

0:15:040:15:06

with any instructions.

0:15:060:15:08

So it was like a flat-pack without instructions.

0:15:080:15:10

Come on, put a bit of make-up on it!

0:15:100:15:12

-So loads of the skeletons were just...

-Bunged together.

0:15:120:15:14

Honestly, just all over the shop.

0:15:140:15:17

Looks like the House of Lords, doesn't it?

0:15:170:15:19

Now, time for a secret operation.

0:15:210:15:23

What is the point of a tap in the ocean?

0:15:230:15:27

That's not a real picture.

0:15:270:15:28

It isn't a real picture,

0:15:310:15:32

because in Britain, you'd have two taps for no reason at all.

0:15:320:15:35

OK, I don't understand this.

0:15:370:15:38

So you have a... You have a hot tap and you have a cold tap, right?

0:15:380:15:41

-What? Yes!

-Yes, well, how is that?

0:15:410:15:42

-So you're trying to wash your hands.

-Yes...

0:15:420:15:44

And what happens, you put it under the hot tap, you go, "Argh!"

0:15:440:15:47

-"Argh, argh!"

-And then you go for the cold tap, and go, "Argh!"

0:15:470:15:50

-"Ooh-hoo-hoo, oh, hoo-hoo! Argh! Ooh-hoo-hoo!"

-Yeah.

0:15:500:15:52

How is it the British haven't discovered there's a mixer tap?!

0:15:520:15:55

-What is it...? What...?

-It's the only excitement we get.

0:15:550:15:58

Oh, is that...? Did you find that baffling when you arrived?

0:15:580:16:00

-I still find it baffling.

-Yeah, no.

-And I don't understand radiators.

0:16:000:16:03

Why you want to heat an entire house

0:16:030:16:05

with a small hot metal plate in the corner.

0:16:050:16:08

-It doesn't work!

-What would you do instead?

0:16:080:16:10

We have forced air in Canada, otherwise you freeze to death.

0:16:100:16:13

-What do you have? A four what?

-What?

0:16:130:16:15

-Forced air, just same as air-con.

-You know...

-Oh, forced air-con.

0:16:150:16:18

-Yes.

-Yeah.

-I've never heard the term... I'm 40...

0:16:180:16:21

..late 40s, and I don't...

0:16:210:16:23

I genuinely didn't know how old I was then, but I've never...

0:16:230:16:27

I'm not going to bother sitting here working it out,

0:16:270:16:30

but I mean, I'm 50 soon, and I've never heard the term forced air.

0:16:300:16:33

-Well, not in that context.

-I love the fact...

0:16:330:16:36

I love the fact, Rhod, that I'm asking you some quite complicated

0:16:360:16:39

science questions, and you don't know how old you are.

0:16:390:16:42

-I'm about 49.

-You're about 49.

-About 49.

-Have you just worked it out?

0:16:440:16:47

Yeah.

0:16:470:16:49

I'm so used to saying "I'm 50 in a few years,"

0:16:490:16:52

I'm so used to saying that, that, for a moment, it stumped me.

0:16:520:16:54

No, but the thing is, though, it is quite good to know how old you are,

0:16:540:16:57

and the producer has just told me in my ear, Rhod, that you're 48.

0:16:570:17:00

APPLAUSE

0:17:020:17:05

Is there a really easy way to remember how old you are?

0:17:110:17:13

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Is there like a little...?

0:17:130:17:14

Like some kind of song I can sing, or something? Or...

0:17:140:17:17

I've never needed a mnemonic for my age, but I'm sure we can invent one.

0:17:170:17:20

I'm going to come back to what's the point...?

0:17:200:17:23

-What's the point?!

-What's the point? That's the question.

0:17:230:17:25

-What was the question?

-Yes.

0:17:250:17:27

-I've written one for you.

-Yeah?

0:17:270:17:29

-I've written one for you.

-OK, here we go.

-How about like,

0:17:290:17:31

# What year are we in today?

0:17:310:17:33

# When am I born? Just take that away

0:17:330:17:35

# You don't have to be a whiz,

0:17:350:17:37

# That's how old Rhod Gilbert is. #

0:17:370:17:40

APPLAUSE

0:17:400:17:45

-Sweet!

-Very good.

0:17:450:17:47

I've just followed your poetic guidelines - I'm 48.

0:17:470:17:49

-Is this...

-At the risk of repetition,

0:17:490:17:51

WHAT IS THE POINT OF A TAP IN THE OCEAN?!

0:17:510:17:53

Is it so that when sea levels rise, you can turn it off? I don't know.

0:17:550:17:58

-So it's not actually a water tap.

-It's not a tap.

0:17:580:18:00

-No, it's a rather...

-Oh, tap, oh...

0:18:000:18:01

And so what else could you tap? What is another kind of tapping

0:18:010:18:04

-that people do when they're trying to listen in?

-I know.

0:18:040:18:06

-TAPS DESK

-There's a shark behind you.

0:18:060:18:08

-Yeah.

-Is it a wire,

0:18:080:18:11

when they put a transatlantic radio communications wire?

0:18:110:18:15

So, it's Cold War.

0:18:150:18:16

It's called Operation: Ivy Bells, and it took place from 1971 to 1981,

0:18:160:18:19

and it was the USA wire-tapping a Russian underseas cable.

0:18:190:18:23

That thing - they're moving it into position there -

0:18:230:18:25

is a giant tape recorder, and they just put it onto the wire.

0:18:250:18:28

-Good God!

-So the sailors on a submarine,

0:18:280:18:30

-the USS Halibut, located a Soviet cable...

-USS Halibut!

0:18:300:18:34

They located a Russian cable off the Russian east coast,

0:18:350:18:38

and they moved a six-metre long recording pod around it

0:18:380:18:40

to track the communications.

0:18:400:18:42

The thing I really like about it, because this - we're talking

0:18:420:18:44

some years ago now - the device had to be updated every month,

0:18:440:18:48

so divers had to leave a submarine once a month and change the tapes.

0:18:480:18:52

But it was hugely successful, it ran for a decade,

0:18:530:18:55

until a National Security Agency employee of the United States

0:18:550:18:58

sold the information to the KGB.

0:18:580:19:00

Spying was a lot more hassle back then,

0:19:000:19:02

when you've got to train a team of divers, get submarines...

0:19:020:19:05

-Yeah.

-Now you just need somebody's maiden name

0:19:050:19:07

-and their first pet's name, and you're off.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

0:19:070:19:10

Or if you're the Russians, you just have to go and see Donald Trump

0:19:100:19:12

and ask him.

0:19:120:19:14

APPLAUSE

0:19:140:19:18

99% of all international data

0:19:200:19:21

-is transmitted through underseas cables.

-Good Lord!

0:19:210:19:23

And so you know when we talk about the cloud?

0:19:230:19:25

It's actually underwater.

0:19:250:19:27

The cloud is underwater, Sandi?

0:19:270:19:28

-Good Lord.

-That's done your head in, hasn't it, Rhod?

0:19:320:19:34

-Yes.

-How old am I again?

0:19:340:19:36

# Happy birthday to you... #

0:19:360:19:38

I'm going to write down 48 and make a badge.

0:19:400:19:42

There we go.

0:19:420:19:44

550,000 miles of cable, so enough to get to the moon and back. And...

0:19:440:19:49

If you were on the moon, and you jumped off...

0:19:490:19:51

-Yes?

-..would you land on the earth?

0:19:510:19:53

Hold on, hold on, what are you doing on the moon anyway?

0:19:530:19:55

Well, I don't know, maybe...

0:19:550:19:57

Have you been left behind by a spacecraft?

0:19:570:19:59

Yeah. You got an Uber, and it went horribly wrong.

0:19:590:20:01

It depends which side you're on.

0:20:010:20:04

I just think if you jumped off the moon, you would just fall...

0:20:040:20:07

-..and you'd land on earth.

-Yeah.

-No.

0:20:070:20:09

I don't think you'd be in a great state.

0:20:090:20:10

I mean I think you'd be like Wound Man by the time you got down.

0:20:100:20:13

-BILL:

-Yeah, you would. Yes.

0:20:130:20:14

-KATHERINE:

-They know about space, this is my problem with the sea.

0:20:140:20:17

-Right.

-They can tell us all kinds of things about planets and space

0:20:170:20:20

and other galaxies, they've been to the moon, allegedly,

0:20:200:20:23

but they've not been to the bottom of the sea.

0:20:230:20:25

I've been to the bottom of the sea, in parts of it.

0:20:250:20:27

-Have you?

-Yes.

0:20:270:20:29

-What's down there?

-My feet.

0:20:290:20:31

Now, which body part was used to stop the Netherlands flooding

0:20:340:20:37

in 1953?

0:20:370:20:40

Yes, Bill?

0:20:400:20:42

Somebody put their finger in a dyke.

0:20:420:20:44

Oh!

0:20:440:20:45

KLAXON

0:20:450:20:47

No, it's been mentioned on QI before,

0:20:490:20:51

the story of the Dutch boy sticking his finger in the dyke is a myth.

0:20:510:20:54

What other body part might you put in a hole to...?

0:20:540:20:56

Anybody?

0:20:590:21:01

-The penis.

-Penis!

0:21:010:21:02

KLAXON

0:21:020:21:04

Hurray!

0:21:040:21:06

I was sucked into that!

0:21:060:21:07

I can categorically tell you no dyke needs a penis. So...

0:21:090:21:12

Wahey!

0:21:120:21:14

APPLAUSE

0:21:140:21:16

No, sadly 100 men just put their shoulders against the water barrier,

0:21:190:21:22

that's all. So it feels...

0:21:220:21:24

GROANS OF DISAPPOINTMENT I know, tame, it feels really tame.

0:21:240:21:26

-Is that what it is?

-Yeah.

0:21:260:21:28

But there is a story of sort of plugging a hole,

0:21:280:21:29

it's done in a rather more dramatic manner.

0:21:290:21:31

So these were the great North Sea floods, and there was a danger of

0:21:310:21:34

three million people being at risk if this particular dyke had burst.

0:21:340:21:37

And what the mayor of the town did, he requisitioned a grain barge,

0:21:370:21:41

and he ordered the captain to steer it directly at the dyke head-first,

0:21:410:21:44

and it plugged the breach and it saved thousands of lives.

0:21:440:21:47

So, yeah, there is a story where somebody did something heroic, but

0:21:470:21:50

it was neither done with a finger nor their nether part of any kind.

0:21:500:21:54

That must have been difficult, the water rushing.

0:21:540:21:56

Yes. And the captain having to decide to do that.

0:21:560:21:58

Trying to steer it. They could make that a film with Tom Hanks.

0:21:580:22:01

Yeah.

0:22:010:22:03

Did you know that some British canals have got plugs in them?

0:22:030:22:07

In 1978, a man called Bill Thorpe was employed to work on

0:22:070:22:11

the 18th century Chesterfield Canal - there it is, extremely beautiful -

0:22:110:22:14

and he was dredging the canal to get rid of rubbish,

0:22:140:22:16

and he accidentally pulled the plug out.

0:22:160:22:19

And when he got back to work the next day, the canal was gone.

0:22:190:22:22

Gone!

0:22:220:22:24

Most canals were built with some form of emergency drainage,

0:22:240:22:27

but he had no idea there was a plug.

0:22:270:22:29

Now for the mopping-up operation that we call General Ignorance.

0:22:290:22:32

Fingers on buzzers, please.

0:22:320:22:35

To the nearest five years, what was the average age in the Home Guard?

0:22:350:22:41

Yes, Rhod?

0:22:410:22:42

60.

0:22:420:22:43

KLAXON

0:22:430:22:45

60 is a very, very fine answer.

0:22:450:22:46

35.

0:22:460:22:47

-It's 30. It's...

-30.

-I was going to say 30! Oh!

0:22:470:22:50

-Damn!

-I went up to 35!

-Yes.

0:22:500:22:53

But 30 was my first thought!

0:22:530:22:54

Half of the membership was younger than 27, and a third was under 18,

0:22:550:22:59

so the average age was about 30.

0:22:590:23:00

My dad was from Ebbw Vale, and my mum was from Abertillery,

0:23:000:23:03

and they used to have... The Home Guards in each of

0:23:030:23:05

those towns in the Welsh valleys used to battle each other, you know.

0:23:050:23:08

What they used to have to do was take the flag off the town hall

0:23:080:23:11

of the opposite town's thing.

0:23:110:23:14

And he said that all the Ebbw Vale boys were up in the hills,

0:23:140:23:18

trying to make their way through the kind of forests and stuff,

0:23:180:23:20

across to Abertillery, and then they looked down and saw on the road

0:23:200:23:23

below, and the Abertillery boys were going into Ebbw Vale on the bus.

0:23:230:23:26

It was incredibly popular, being in the Home Guard.

0:23:310:23:34

So when they established it, they thought about 150,000 men

0:23:340:23:36

would volunteer, and in the first 24 hours, 250,000 men signed up.

0:23:360:23:40

At the end of June, 1940, over a million, 1942, nearly two million.

0:23:400:23:44

My grandfather was an ARP warden,

0:23:440:23:46

and I thought that was quite special when I was a kid.

0:23:460:23:49

And then I looked into it, and there were 1.2 million ARP wardens.

0:23:490:23:52

-Yeah, it was, it was...

-People just volunteered for everything.

0:23:520:23:55

They wanted to help.

0:23:550:23:56

If you put it in context, the Chinese People's Liberation Army,

0:23:560:23:59

which is the largest army in the world, has got 2.2 million men.

0:23:590:24:01

And we had two million people in the Home Guard.

0:24:010:24:04

But they did very important work - anti-aircraft guns,

0:24:040:24:06

coastal artillery, and in fact, over the war,

0:24:060:24:08

1,206 Home Guard men were killed on duty, or died of their wounds.

0:24:080:24:11

So not quite the comic thing that Dad's Army shows us.

0:24:110:24:13

-I see.

-Now, how many stars are there in Orion's Belt?

0:24:130:24:18

Three.

0:24:180:24:20

KLAXON Three. Yay!

0:24:200:24:22

Oh.

0:24:220:24:24

Five, there's five.

0:24:240:24:26

KLAXON Five, no, there aren't five.

0:24:260:24:28

Seven, there's seven.

0:24:280:24:29

KLAXON Seven, there's not seven.

0:24:290:24:33

It looks like three, it's one of the most famous things.

0:24:330:24:36

Do you call it Orion's Belt, or do you refer to it...?

0:24:360:24:38

Yeah. I mean, we have the same solar system.

0:24:380:24:40

But it has... It has lots and lots of different names,

0:24:460:24:49

so in Latin America they call it the Three Marys,

0:24:490:24:52

the Arabic name is the Accurate Scale Beam.

0:24:520:24:54

Really? I mean, what is it going to be,

0:24:540:24:56

hundreds of thousands, but looks like three?

0:24:560:24:58

No, it is in fact nine, is the answer that we were looking for.

0:24:580:25:00

-One more go, I'd have got it!

-It looks like... I know.

0:25:000:25:04

I was going to go nine next. I was going in twos.

0:25:040:25:06

I know. It was like the guy who invented Six Up,

0:25:060:25:08

and he was so close to a successful soft drink.

0:25:080:25:10

There are the three that we think of,

0:25:120:25:14

the bright ones that you can see.

0:25:140:25:15

They're called Mintaka, Alnilam, and Alnitak.

0:25:150:25:18

But if we take Alnitak, it's actually three different stars.

0:25:180:25:21

There's a blue super giant and two smaller companions.

0:25:210:25:25

And each of the three main stars in Orion's Belt is at least

0:25:250:25:27

20 times the size of the sun, and at least 18,000 times brighter.

0:25:270:25:33

Blimey.

0:25:330:25:34

-But it's just far away?

-It's so far away.

0:25:340:25:37

-This is why I hate space!

-Why?

0:25:370:25:39

Because I don't have the ability to conceptually understand

0:25:390:25:44

how a mathematician can go, "Oh, well, because of this and this,

0:25:440:25:48

"and my periscope, then, like, it's that far away".

0:25:480:25:53

I don't understand.

0:25:530:25:55

-BILL:

-That's where you're going wrong.

0:25:550:25:57

-Using a submarine, that's the...

-Using a submarine.

0:25:570:26:00

Orion's Belt may have three notches,

0:26:020:26:03

but it's actually made up of nine stars.

0:26:030:26:05

Now then, one test of a great surgeon

0:26:050:26:07

is their ability to concentrate while under stress.

0:26:070:26:10

So, while you are answering the next question,

0:26:100:26:12

you have got next to you bananas, and you have got a needle.

0:26:120:26:17

So this is how surgeons learn to do surgery.

0:26:170:26:20

What I would like you to do is half-peel the banana, like this, OK?

0:26:200:26:25

Your needle has been already threaded for you.

0:26:250:26:27

And I want you to sew the banana back together.

0:26:270:26:30

I can't. I can't open it.

0:26:300:26:32

Can't open it?! Monkeys have mastered this, Alan.

0:26:340:26:37

Darling, put it higher up, because that looks awful.

0:26:400:26:43

Can't open it!

0:26:470:26:49

Argh!

0:26:490:26:51

Argh!

0:26:510:26:53

Before you start, what's your first question?

0:26:530:26:55

-Am I a surgeon?

-Is this the banana you were looking for?

0:26:550:26:58

Yes! Have I got the right banana?

0:26:580:27:01

-Yes.

-Is exactly right. OK.

0:27:010:27:02

So try and sew the banana back together.

0:27:020:27:04

Now one of the great tests, because the whole thing

0:27:040:27:06

about a surgeon is the ability to concentrate,

0:27:060:27:08

I want you to tell me the name of the food that you are holding

0:27:080:27:11

if it was made without using any pesticides.

0:27:110:27:14

Organic banana.

0:27:140:27:15

KLAXON

0:27:150:27:17

Organic banana, there we go. Off and running.

0:27:170:27:20

-Oh, me thread's not enough.

-Might as well go for it - plum.

0:27:200:27:23

Mine's a mess.

0:27:230:27:25

Katherine's doing a wonderful job here.

0:27:250:27:26

This is where I shine on a panel show of lots of men.

0:27:260:27:29

Oh, look at that!

0:27:290:27:31

In fact, although it's true that organic food contains

0:27:320:27:34

fewer pesticides or fertilisers than any other foods,

0:27:340:27:36

the answer is that none of them contain none.

0:27:360:27:38

I'm afraid, if you're eating organic food and you think,

0:27:380:27:41

"Yay, look at me," it has all got a bit of pesticide in it.

0:27:410:27:45

I'll tell you what, I have made quite an effective sort of dolphin

0:27:450:27:48

-there, look at that.

-Actually, yeah.

0:27:480:27:51

Let's put our bananas away.

0:27:560:27:57

That brings us to the end of tonight's operation.

0:27:570:28:00

The anaesthetic is wearing off, the gloves are in the bin,

0:28:000:28:02

and the panel and the bananas have been royally stitched up,

0:28:020:28:05

which brings us to the scores.

0:28:050:28:08

And, with minus 35, yes, indeed, it's Rhod.

0:28:080:28:11

APPLAUSE

0:28:110:28:13

Equally creditable minus 27, Bill.

0:28:150:28:17

-APPLAUSE

-Hurrah!

0:28:170:28:20

Minus 16, Alan.

0:28:220:28:24

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you very much. Thank you.

0:28:240:28:28

And with an amazing whole 4 points, Katherine!

0:28:280:28:32

-Thank you.

-APPLAUSE

0:28:320:28:35

It only remains for me to thank Katherine, Rhod, Bill, and Alan.

0:28:400:28:44

And I leave you with this -

0:28:440:28:46

when the West German Chancellor Konrad Adenauer

0:28:460:28:48

succumbed to a heavy cold at the age of 90,

0:28:480:28:50

he did nothing but complain to his doctor.

0:28:500:28:52

"I'm not a magician," said the doctor.

0:28:520:28:54

"I can't make you young again."

0:28:540:28:55

"I haven't asked you to," said the Chancellor.

0:28:550:28:57

"All I want is to go on getting older."

0:28:570:29:00

Thank you, and good night.

0:29:000:29:01

APPLAUSE

0:29:010:29:03

Sandi Toksvig looks at operations. If you've ever wondered how to turn a muffin into an offensive weapon, this is the show for you. With Bill Bailey, Katherine Ryan, Rhod Gilbert and Alan Davies.


Download Subtitles

SRT

ASS