Episode 1 Rev.

DOORBELL RINGS

GROANING

-Help me! Oh, my God!

-Alexandra...

Take me to the hospital. It's coming!

Where's Adam?

Any minute now.

MOBILE BUZZES

Excuse me.

-He's not answering.

-Time it!

-What?

Time it! Ah...!

MUSIC: "Bridal Chorus"

-Have a look. How dilated am I?

-Right. Um...

How dilated am I?!

Very. There's a bit of head, I think.

Whatever it is, it's got hair on it.

Call 999. We're not going to make the hospital.

Mother of fuck!

# Ave Maria... #

-No, of course I haven't got any towels, I'm in a taxi.

-Gah...!

A taxi! Oh, the head's out. I can see the head!

-Ah!

-Oh, God, this is ghastly.

-Oh, it's coming!

-It's coming! It's COMING!

Nigel, I've got to go.

Right, then. Who giveth this woman to be married to this man?

We've done that bit, Nigel.

# I couldn't hear nobody pray

-# I couldn't hear nobody pray

-All around

-# I couldn't hear nobody pray

-In the valley

# I couldn't hear nobody pray. #

Look.

It's quite nice, isn't it?

Shall we go to the swings now? Shall we?

Yes, yes, come on.

ADAM WHISTLES: "I VOW TO THEE MY COUNTRY"

Morning!

Ah... boo!

Ah... boo!

All right, Vicarage? How's tricks?

Bit bored.

Well, that's parenting for yer.

Do you want me to push little Katie for a bit?

No, don't upset her, Colin.

-Ah!

-Don't upset her!

What's that you're smoking?

It's an E-cigarette. I've given up now I'm a parent.

Smoking Es, eh?

It's great, this playground, innit?

I love it. Apart from all the dog shit.

And the gangs.

It's a disgrace. Everything's broken, graffiti everywhere.

No wonder kids join gangs if this is all we offer them.

-As-salamu alaykum.

-Wa-alaikum Salaam.

-One of the local imams.

-Ah.

It's Yussef, isn't it? My name's Father Adam.

We met last year at one of those seminars

on environment and sustainability.

Yes, of course. Very nice to see you again.

You're doing a bit of exercise, putting us all to shame.

These sessions are a present from my wife.

I have to burn off her flapjacks.

Ah. Maybe I should hire your instructor, too?

Raahil will happily get a Christian fit. Or a Jew.

But not a woman. He can't be trusted with women in Lycra.

I'd forgotten about your sense of humour, Yussef.

The Prophet Mohammed, peace be upon him, says that humour is good

so long as it is used in moderation.

It should be used like salt on a meal.

I'll tell my wife, Alex. She can hire your fitness guy,

as long as she wears a burka during her work-out.

See, that is too much humour now.

For a Muslim, that's not acceptable.

Right.

I'm joking!

Oh! I thought you'd reached your humour limit.

I have now.

-Isn't this playground terrible, Father?

-I know.

Perhaps we should do some fundraising to restore it?

We could put both our names over it.

I can barely raise enough money for my church, let alone a playground.

Couldn't one of your three gods do something about it?

I've always found that man a bit smug.

Do your own flipping playground.

You'd be smug, too, though, if you got to shag four wives at once.

KATIE CRIES

Colin...

MUEZZIN CALLS

Yes, you did a big explosive poo, didn't you?

Oh, please, God, not another one.

Looks OK.

The council have written again,

requesting proof and assurance

that we've rectified the dangerous wiring.

I hate it when the council treat us like a business.

If they give us the 15 grand, I'll do it.

That'd be all our church funds.

They've said they'll prosecute.

No. These things are machine generated.

Her poos have changed colour again.

Perhaps Satan is in charge of her bottom

because you haven't baptised her yet.

She did seem possessed at 3am this morning.

Hello, Archdeacon. Are you well? You look well.

Looks bad. Priest hasn't yet baptised his own child. Why not?

Don't worry, it's not a crisis of faith, just bad organisation.

What a relief. Get on with it.

And hurry up with those nappies.

-They're outside in a taxi.

-Who are?

Jill, the Area Dean, and Geri, the Diocesan Secretary.

Well, you can tell Tom and Geri I'll be down in minute.

Don't be naughty, Adam.

-Would you like a cup of tea, Archdeacon?

-Oh...

-I'm having one.

-No.

Don't use that plug, Nigel. Use the other one.

I see you haven't done your re-wiring, then.

No, but don't worry. It's not...

LOUD BANG

Dangerous?

Hello. Can I bring Katie with me?

Oh, a baby. How adorable.

What a heavenly child. I love children.

No, this is a private meeting if that's OK, Robert.

Can you get the tube?

Why haven't you baptised her yet?

I'm going to, when I get a minute.

Isn't she adorable? May I touch her?

-Adorable.

-Heavenly child.

So nice to meet you.

I've been looking forward to talking to you about your parish.

Jill has some exciting plans.

Yes, and I'd like to get you involved in my plans for the area.

-OK.

-It's such a challenging area, isn't it?

-Mm.

Predominantly Muslim, ageing and falling Christian congregations.

-A very difficult area.

-Yes.

But it's my job as the new Area Dean to ask,

what is the best way to be Church here?

Yes, how shall we be Church here?

I'd like to do some pastoral reorganisation.

-That's why she got the job.

-Right.

Yes. But some of my exciting new plans will cost money.

The reality is that neither the deanery nor the diocese

can continue to prop up expensive churches that are no longer viable.

Are you suggesting that my church might no longer be viable?

-No, we're not suggesting that at all.

-No, not at all.

-St Saviour's is a vital part of the community.

-Is it?

-Yes.

And it's very active in a presence and engagement kind of way.

-Oh, well, that's wonderful.

-How is it present and engaged?

-Yes, how so?

-Give us some examples.

-I'd love to hear some examples.

-There's lots of examples.

I can't wait to hear them.

Any example will do.

Sure, well, just today,

when I was chatting to the local imam,

I suggested that we team up to repair the local playground,

which serves the whole community, and he absolutely agreed with me.

What's the budget for that project and what's the timetable on it?

The fundraising shouldn't take more than a few more weeks,

with the help of my Muslim counterpart. Then it's straight into doing the job.

-You've started fundraising?

-No, we have, yeah.

Can't wait to see it. If this is the sort of thing

you're achieving, then wow, well done!

Yes, wow, well done.

We'd have to consider closing a different church instead.

Mm. Told you he'd be clever.

Can she touch the child again?

This is Mama Doha's avocado, beetroot and plantain puree.

Very good for fibre and iron.

And these are my special Katie oatmeal and rice cakes.

-Thanks so much, Adoha.

-Will they be back soon?

No, don't wait.

Hiya. Think I trod in dog poo.

Ah, there's my darling. Can I hold her?

Please, let me hold her.

I'll take her.

When are you going to have a baptism?

It's been nearly one year.

It's not fair on poor little Katie.

KATIE WAILS

You want a baptism, don't you?

We're doing it soon, all right, Adoha?

Yeah, that is dog poo.

If you could ask him to call Father Adam at St Saviour's,

I'd be very grateful. It's urgent. OK, thanks, bye.

Why is it so hard to get hold of an imam? What do they do?

Alex, what's the matter?

I've got good news. I got the job.

You're looking at the new Head of Legal Aid at Kanters.

-Oh, you're so clever! That's great.

-Yes.

-What?

It's a disaster. When am I ever going to see Katie?

-I'll always be out.

-No, no.

Those big firms are so competitive.

They never let you leave.

No. We'll make it work, Alex.

I'm a horrible person.

No...

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get rid of them. We should open a bottle.

-If you were in the Church, you'd be a female bishop.

-Ooh.

All right, Vicar? See, what it is, yeah...

No, it isn't. I'm not giving you anything today, Mick.

Wait till you see what I got.

What about this lovely little dolly for your new boy?

Ah, isn't she a cutie?

Yes, she's lovely.

Or I could babysit?

I only charge like 5, 8, 30, £50 an hour.

I'm Mary Poppins.

Bedknobs And Broomsticks.

Nanny McNanny.

Mick, I'm demonstrating my love for you by withholding my money.

You go out to dinner, sweetie, with your lady friend.

Do wine, dine and romance tings

-and leave the boy with me.

-The girl.

And when you come home, ta-da! She's still alive.

Well, it's certainly a tempting offer.

Next time we make plans, Alexandra and I will give your agency a call.

OK, bye.

MUEZZIN CALLS

'Bloody hell, there's a lot of people.

'Lord, it's difficult to be a Christian today, isn't it?

'In Syria, for instance.

'Iraq. Certainly in Egypt.

'But also sometimes here in Hackney.

'Why is Islam so much more popular?

'Is it because of all its rules for life? People like rules.

'Maybe if Christianity had rules like Islam,

'my church would be full, too.

'Hope this goes OK.

'Oh, I've got a bloody hole in my sock.'

Father Adam is here.

As-salamu alaykum.

-ALL:

-Wa-alaikum Salaam.

-What can I do for you?

-Yussef.

The other day, you suggested that we team up to restore the playground,

and afterwards I was having a think about it

on the way home, and it occurred to me what a great idea it is.

What made you change your mind?

Not change my mind.

I was just slow to realise what a great idea it is

because, you know, children are the future.

Yes. Who said that?

Did you say it?

Someone black, famous and profound.

Nelson Mandela?

It was Whitney Houston.

Well, Nelson and Whitney, often confused with one other.

Is that too much humour again?

The point is we all want our children to have somewhere safe and inspiring

to play, so I was thinking you're right, we should do it together,

for the community.

We'd all look good.

I think it's a great idea.

Well, it was your idea.

Us teaming up.

We could put the name of your mosque and my church over it.

-That was my idea, too.

-Yes, great.

Some of the uncles will complain, yes?

"Why are you teaming up with a Christian? Is it Islamic?"

But I will tell them I will create peace and harmony for everyone.

Now, Brother Ikhbal makes a delicious cup of PG Tips.

-Can I interest you in one?

-You certainly can.

Brother Ikhbal. The PG. Please.

Hey, Aziz, bro. How's life?

I'm told we need £10,000 for a redesign of the playground.

Shall we try and raise £5,000 each, make it a competition?

Yes, great. That's a fun idea.

How long do you think that would take you?

Well, if I ask all my congregation to put £5 in,

I could probably raise £5,000 on Friday.

Right. Of course, your congregation is 1,000 people, isn't it?

And Muslims are very generous.

More generous than Christians, you think?

No. It's because, for a Muslim, giving is an obligation.

Most of them complain about it,

but they know that if they give money they'll be rewarded in Heaven.

It's one of the Five Pillars.

Hey, Suliman. Wa-alaikum Salaam. Tell your brother

that when he's ready to give his zakat, I'm here for him, OK?

Dennis, hi!

Maybe we could do an event to fundraise?

If you need help.

OK, all right, great. Let's make it a multi-faith event.

I could do one of my jihadi barbecues?

Don't worry, I don't mean holy war barbecue.

I mean jihad as in "Striving to do good".

Lots of people will come. There can be food and games for the kids.

Yeah, like a fete?

A jihadi fete. These events always raise lots of money.

Great. How about we do it in my church?

Why not? I love your churches.

There is always so much space.

KATIE CRIES

Ssh. Oh, dear. What's the matter?

I'm not taking her to A&E again

just to be told it's trapped wind.

Please can we fix her christening,

if for no other reason than to shut everyone up.

Maybe I don't want to christen her yet?

I've already lost you to Him.

Why would I want to lose her as well?

I know everyone's annoying about it,

but your annoyance with them is undermining me.

And we both want to baptise her, so why don't we just do it?

OK. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to make your life difficult.

OK, let's christen her. I want to do it.

Thank you. Thank you, Alex.

I was thinking maybe we should ask Ellie to be a god mum?

Oh, really? OK, not your friend Karen?

-Karen said she didn't want to renounce the devil.

-What?

I know. And, if we get killed in a diving accident

when you take me to the Maldives,

I wouldn't mind Ellie bringing her up.

She'd turn out a proper girl.

Academic high flyer, good at gym.

All right, let's get her over for dinner and ask her.

But that would also mean asking Chris as well, wouldn't it?

He's all right.

Oh, she's done another poo.

I've got to get up in two and a half hours.

How long can we leave her in it?

'Also, he who had the two talents made two talents more.

'But he who had received the one talent went and dug in the ground,

'and hid his master's money.'

This is the Gospel of the Lord.

Praise to you, O, Christ.

So, inspired by that Parable of the Talents,

I'm going to do something unusual now,

and give you all £10 from church funds.

I want you all to invest it.

Try and be like the good and faithful servant

who put his money to work straightaway.

Don't bury it in the ground.

Or spend it on lager, Colin, like the wicked and slothful servant.

Let's see what you can all raise form this seed capital,

and I'll collect back any profits in a few weeks.

We reap what we sow.

You never cease to surprise.

All the money you create will go to our Honeycombe playground fund.

Let's see if we can raise more than our Muslim friends.

We must beat the infidels!

And I have one other announcement to make,

which is that in two weeks' time

Alex and I will baptise our daughter Katie here

at the mid-morning Eucharist on Sunday 6th,

and you are of course all invited.

Finally!

So, now we're going to sing hymn number 565,

Praise My Soul The King Of Heaven.

Hi, Ellie, thanks for coming. No Chris?

I should've known the minute he said he didn't want an expensive wedding.

Massive sign there. Why didn't I see it?

I used to find it sweet that when he reads, his mouth moves.

But now every time he does it I just want to punch him in the face.

And what kind of a person has tomato ketchup on everything?

Yeah, no, awful person.

I make spaghetti bolognese. It's got tomatoes in it, hasn't it?

-It doesn't need any more fucking tomatoes.

-No.

Why did I marry him? Why did you let me marry him?

I turned 39, someone comes into my room at night and just removes

my brain. That's why. I don't care if he's shagging other women

on his work trips. Let him. Cos I'm not going to touch him.

And I would love to be Katie's godmother,

-because I'm not having children with that arsehole.

-That's great.

Hello, Adoha. They look lovely.

This one is especially for you.

Thank you.

Hello, Archdeacon.

I must say this all looks very good, Adam.

This church is flourishing.

You should tell Torvill and Dean when you see them.

You should tell them yourself. They're on their way.

I have to go at five. Rageh Omaar is giving a talk on Djibouti pirates

at the book shop in Chipping Norton.

I've got some money for you

from that St Saviour's tenner you gave us.

Oh. What did you do with it?

Richard has a half bar invested in a Geneva-based emerging markets

hedge fund, so I popped the tenner into that.

-So it was leveraged up.

-Right.

The fund has had a stunning month.

It's returned 9% in just one month.

-It's absolutely unheard of.

-Wow.

So I redeemed my investment capital plus profit...

-£10.90.

-Oh, right.

Of course, the fund charges a 20% fee on any profits,

so that's 18p to them.

Plus VAT of 20% on their 20%.

So that is a grand total of £10.68.

68p?

Towards the playground. I hope it helps.

I wouldn't trust Terry and June if I were you.

Whatever they say, they're not going to fund your shortfalls any more.

-Hello, Dennis.

-Hello, Vicar.

-Brother!

-Hi, Yussef.

-This all looks good in here.

-Doesn't it?

I have great news. I managed to raise £12,000 on Friday.

We have our total. We can announce the project today.

-Yussef, that's amazing.

-How much have you raised?

I've just had a donation, actually.

That's super. So, in total?

I'm still adding it up.

I meant to ask, Adam.

Who are all those important people over there?

That's my archdeacon, the new Area Dean and the Diocesan Secretary.

We like a hierarchy in the Church of England.

How does it work?

It doesn't really work.

At the top there's the archbishops, two of them,

then there's the bishops.

Then there are some chancellors and diocesan secretaries.

She's one of them, the tall woman. It's a senior lay position.

Then there are the cathedral deans, who run the cathedrals.

Canons, or prebendaries, are senior priests within the cathedrals.

Then there are the archdeacons. He's mine. He runs several deaneries

within each archdeaconry. Then there are the area deans.

She's one. Finally there are the priests, called vicars

or sometimes rectors, depending on how their tithes were paid.

But that's a side issue, really.

Hm. But they're all equal in the eyes of God?

Oh, no. God much prefers the bishops.

That's why he makes sure they all have such a nice big house.

That is too much humour, Adam.

Good afternoon. How lovely to see you all.

This all looks good, doesn't it?

Yes, wonderful, Adam. Clever you.

Isn't he present and engaged?

This church is flourishing.

Hm, isn't it? What's that man over there doing?

That's Nigel. Putting up a "Pin the tail on Jesus's Palm Sunday donkey."

Oh, what fun.

Let me introduce you to my imam friend, Yussef.

This is Jill and Geri and Robert.

-As-salamu alaykum.

-Wa-alaikum Salaam.

-Afternoon.

It has been a great honour to get to know your fine priest.

Do you mean him?

I'm pleased to say that we have already raised all the money

necessary to restore the community playground.

We have over £12,000.

Wow. That's wonderful.

Clever you. Congratulations.

How much of the money did Adam raise?

I don't know. I don't keep score like it's football.

It's a joint effort. I could not have done it without him.

Yussef!

Oh. Excuse me a moment.

I love your bouncy castle.

-Would you like a bounce?

-Well, yes, I...

-No.

-No.

-I might, later.

Perhaps you could dress up as a crusader, Robert,

and attack any Muslims on the castle.

Actually, Yussef, don't use that plug.

LOUD BANG

Wow.

That'll be the wiring that isn't dangerous.

I've got summat for Katie. A present.

That's nice of you. It's not her birthday.

I know. Have a look. Hope she likes it.

Lovely. That's... She'll love them.

Magic.

Can I be her godfather?

Colin, I've already got two godfathers - Steven and Jeremy,

my oldest friends.

Have me as a third one.

I bet I love her more than they do.

Well, it's not a competition.

I'll always remember her birthday.

I'll take her ice-skating when she's old enough,

and I'll make sure no-one shags till she's 16.

I swear, if I see any bloke touch her,

I'll kick seven different types of shit out of them.

I'll make it so no-one will ever dare go near her.

I'd do that for her.

Well, it's a lovely offer, Colin, but...

Let me think about it.

Great. So I'm in the running then?

Oh, and I've got some dosh for you.

That tenner you give me - I turned it into 350.

There you go.

350? How did you do that?

I bought a tenner's worth of crack, cut it with detergent

and sold it to some kids on the estate.

That made me 50. Then I did it again, and then again.

I actually made £500 but I kept some as my cut if that's all right?

So this is drugs money?

Nah, not really. There was hardly any crack in what I sold.

It's more detergent money.

When will you decide if I can be Katie's godfather?

There you are, darling. I've been looking for you everywhere.

I have a present for little Katie.

No, you can't be a godparent.

All the places are full, and I'm first on the waiting list.

-Is it very painful?

-No.

I'm so sorry, Yussef. I should have warned you about the electrics.

It was a bad day for everyone.

I've had to close the church till I do the rewiring,

and I've had to cancel my daughter's christening.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I've brought round the money I raised for the playground.

And the grand total is?

£350.68, I'm afraid.

Sorry.

Well done. It all counts.

Really?

Just because you electrocuted me doesn't mean we can't be friends.

It's still our project

for Christian and Muslim children.

We should do it together.

You're a good man, Yussef.

Just one question.

-What does the Prophet Mohammed...

-Peace be upon him.

Peace be upon him, have to say about the use of

drug money for charitable causes?