Episode 2 Rev.

This programme/film contains some strong language.

-# I couldn't hear nobody pray

-On the mountain

-# I couldn't hear nobody pray

-In the valley

# I couldn't hear nobody pray... #

Adam, I've brought you a present to help you with your fundraising.

I saw this and thought of you.

It's an old-fashioned, but effective way

to let people know that this church needs a little help.

Did it help... what's the name of the church it's just come from?

St Alkmunds. Sadly, no. It's been closed down.

The incumbent there had to be dragged screaming from the building.

What's happened to him?

Well, rumour has it that he's re-trained as a Bikram yoga teacher.

So sad. He should have gone on one of Roland Wise's

'Transform Your Church' courses, like I told him to.

-Did you?

-Roland saves your church and entertains you while he does it.

Would you like to go on one?

This is because of my emergency re-wiring, isn't it?

You have spent all your money.

And there is a groundswell of feeling within the members

of the Deanery Chapter and the House of Laity,

that St Saviour's has been subsidised for far too long.

They can't see the point of the largest and oldest church

-in the area?

-They feel that the money spent on your stipend

could be "more imaginatively used elsewhere". Their phrase.

Well, they're wrong! MY phrase.

In Show & Tell at the next Deanery Synod

you need to show them that you can pay your way,

otherwise they will begin the process of closing the church.

I'll send you the link to Roland's course.

Filly, filly, uppy, uppy!

'I can't believe he turned up with his stupid, throbbing thermometer.

'Why does the church want me to behave like a businessman

'the whole time, when I'm not?

'Cor, look at that hotel! Or this one!

'I'd like to take Alex to places like these.

'I worry about her at the moment. I don't see enough of her.

'I must try and take her away, so we can have a good old...'

You going to buy that or not?

You can't just stand around in here looking at porn.

-It's a travel magazine.

-Yeah, right!

-D'you want your fags?

-No, I've quit.

-Why are you lying?

-I'll get this.

Dirty bugger!

Thank you.

LAUGHTER

-Hi, hi.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Hi.

Rob! Jeremy! How are you both?

-Great, good to see you. Hi.

-Hi.

-Hi, hi.

How's God?

Oh, he's very good, I think. Busy. Out a lot.

The successful wife. You've heard her great news?

Yes. We assume you'll be promoted to Bishop next.

Yes, any minute, any minute.

Forget my job, it's going to be a disaster. Tell him your news.

-It's much more exciting!

-What? What?

Shall I get us a bottle?

Rob and I are getting married. We've suddenly decided to.

Oh, that's wonderful news.

We looked in our diaries,

had absolutely nothing on next week, so thought, "Let's get married."

Well, I have a few things on, but I've cancelled them.

They were only patients at the hospital!

We've always wanted to do this. Now's the time.

Our ten-year anniversary.

Well, congratulations. To both of you.

Here we are. Should be bubbles, really.

So, when's the happy day?

We thought we'd do the legal bit at the highly desirable

Islington Town Hall, on Wednesday next week.

But what we REALLY wondered, Adam,

was whether you might be able do a proper church wedding for us.

-In St Saviour's.

-Ah! A-ha!

We know it's not technically legal. But thought you'd sneak us in.

As we are churchgoers.

I love the church. The architecture, the music...

-And Rob actually believes in God.

-I don't believe in registry offices.

Lots of priests do gay weddings, don't they?

So long as you don't get caught. It's like parking on double yellows.

Guys, I'm sorry, it's a bit more serious than that.

I mean, I'd love to do it, of course.

And this is disappointing for me, but I could get in real trouble.

-God won't bless our union.

-GOD will.

Of course He will!

But the Church won't!

I know, I know.

But, look, I'll be doing my regular service on your wedding day.

If you came to my Wednesday evening Eucharist,

after the registry office, I could do prayers for you both.

I can affirm your love for each other in the eyes of God.

Can we bring some friends?

Of course, yeah, of course, well, sure.

-And some flowers?

-Why not? Of course.

-Let's do it!

-Great. Great. Well, congratulations again.

ALL: CHEERS!

Did one of you go down on a knee?

Not on a knee!

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get that.

Please bring lots of people, it's always really empty.

Mick!

-Y'all right, Vicar? See what it is, yeah...

-I've told you I'm not...

I got something you really want this time.

I'm not buying anything from you.

You'll want this!

Is that Mick again?

I'm just getting rid of him.

I think you left her in the shop, Vicar.

Thank God!

I'm being a good citizen.

Give her here, please. Mick...

-Vicar.

-Mick!

-Vicar.

-Give her here please.

Is there a little reward? Or a big one?

-No, Mick...

-You left her, didn't ya?

Shall I tell the nasty Mrs Vicar what you done?

No, no, just give her here! All right?

-Yes, he's just going!

-I just want a little bit of money, Vicar.

Give her back. Mick!

No way, Vicar! Give me money!

Mick... Mick, Mick!

Here, here.

Library card, too?

-What are you up to?

-Hello!

Here she is! She's just had a bit of fresh air.

-Hi!

-Here you go.

-Come on in.

-Dear boy!

-Hello, Roland.

Imagine my delight when I saw your little name pop up!

How are you? How's your little life?

Fine. It's good to see you.

Congratulations on these courses.

-Everyone's recommending them.

-I know!

Who'd have thought, when we were green, young men

at Cuddesdon College, that I would end up

travelling the world, saving churches?

It's been an extraordinary year. Roma. Rio.

Durham. I was sorry to hear you're struggling so much.

Well, it's just the classic C of E building dilemma in London,

-too many churches in the parish for the number of congregants.

-Mmmm.

If I can make the place financially self-sufficient

then they'd have to leave me alone. So, that's the aim.

ROLAND'S PHONE RINGS

Oh, let me turn that off.

Oh, it's Michael Buerk pestering me to do The Moral Maze again.

The only dilemma that show presents is how to tell Michael

to fuck off without upsetting him. Right, shall we start the morning?

-Aren't there more people to come?

-No, just you and me today.

You're getting private sessions, effectively.

I should be charging double! OK, I'll start. Sit down.

Right!

Good morning, everyone.

Good morning.

We don't need this, do we? Today, through my unique three-point

'Transform Your Church' plan, I'm going to help you

make your churches, not just present and engaged,

modern and relevant, but also full and solvent.

My three-point Transform plan has a memorable acronym...

IED.

We don't normally do questions at the start.

Sorry. Doesn't that stand for Improvised Explosive Device?

Yes, it does. Because this course blows the legs off failure.

It will pick up your ministry, hurl it into the air

and scatter it over a wide area.

But IED also stands for this...

Let me take you through the ABC of IED.

A - I.

I - Invade. Your community. People's lives.

As a priest you must be in people's lives.

Push your way into their lives. Into their homes.

If you don't do that, how will they know how invaluable you are?

What you offer? B - E. E - Evangelise.

Now this shouldn't be such a dirty word to most Anglicans.

If you like a book or a boutique hotel,

you TELL people about it, don't you?

Now, let's get you doing that with Jesus Christ.

D. D. D. C!

C. D - deliver.

I'm going to give you a list of ways to DELIVER as a priest.

Deliver funerals, deliver weddings,

deliver satisfaction to your parishioners,

so they keep coming back... for more.

Any questions so far?

Yep. In the middle.

Don't forget to say your name and where you're from.

Adam Smallbone. St Saviour's.

What time's lunch?

I've got the large Happy Heart sushi tray.

-I hope that's OK with you?

-Sure.

There's your change.

What you reading there?

I imagine you've stayed in most of these places.

Oh - Malaysia's nice.

-I want to take Alex away somewhere...

-Hm. Dear lady.

Just for a night in the UK somewhere.

We could do with it.

In the UK?

You should go to The Bull at Bibbington.

Angus has just taken it over. Do you know Angus?

He did The Swan at Uppington

and he was the force behind The Cock at Mincham?

I'll show you.

Have you got a picture of his cock?

Oh, very good. We must try and get you on the radio.

I'm trying to help.

Look. Just opened. Half-price rooms.

You can always tell a good pub hotel by

whether the bedrooms have got logs in them.

There's lots of logs there.

Nice. £120 a night.

Half price - 60 quid - I can afford that.

No, £120 is the half price rate, you twit.

Dear me, no wonder your church has got financial problems!

Oh. OK.

I was interested to see from your Myers-Briggs test that you

have conflicting personality blocks.

That's cos I filled out the form as Jesus.

Hm.

I've been thinking - shall we go away somewhere together?

Before you get too busy with your new job.

Why don't we go and live here for six months.

SHE LAUGHS

I know. But seriously,

we could do with a night away together somewhere.

You and me. The Cotswolds.

Roland's recommended somewhere called The Cock.

-Has he?

-Maybe Valentine's day?

I'm sorry, I can't go away right now. I'm too busy.

No, you're not too busy to spend one night away with the man you married

- to remind ourselves why we love each other.

I remember why I love you. No reminder needed.

Well, I'd like to be reminded why I love you.

-My treat.

-You can't afford it. And we don't have a babysitter.

Well, let's find one. We keep saying we need one...

Well, we'll need one on Wednesday if you're going to do your

-"It's not a wedding" service for Rob and Jeremy.

-Well, who shall we use? Mick?

He's keen. And probably free.

-SHE CHUCKLES

-What about Ellie?

Ellie's a teacher. She hates children.

No, she just pretends to. What about Adoha?

-She wants to do it.

-Apart from her.

-She'd be good at it.

-No, she wouldn't.

-She will. You know she will.

No, I'm not having her here going through my drawers,

leaving me notes and sniffing your pants.

-Come on, she'll be disappointed if we don't ask her sometime.

-Go ahead - disappoint her.

Adoha! Thank you so much for agreeing to do this.

I have been waiting for you to ask!

I know. And we've been waiting for the right moment to ask you.

-Where is the little angel princess?

-Upstairs. Darling, Adoha's here.

Yes, I can see that. Hello, Adoha.

When are you two going to re-arrange her baptism?

What's in that?

Oh - my overnight bag, in case

you and Adam don't get back till after midnight.

Adam will be back no later than 8.55pm.

What if Adam is injured in a bicycle accident? God forbid.

Who would look after Katie then, huh? While her mother is out having fun?

-Good question.

-I'll wrap her in a newspaper

and stick her on the doorstep of an orphanage.

-Bye.

-Oh...

See you after the registry office.

ADOHA LAUGHS

-I will make you a cup of tea.

-That'd be nice.

Hello.

# Let's get married, I love ya and I want to stay with ya,

# Let's get married... #

Hello?

Welcome, welcome. Find a pew.

Who are all these people, Adam?

Ah, the happy couple! How nice to have you here.

-And you've brought so many people!

-It's our wedding!

-No, just some prayers. Hello, darling.

-Good evening, Vicar!

I hope you've arranged something special for our friends.

Yes. And I had no idea there'd been so many of you.

-No, don't throw confetti. Please.

-Save it for the end.

No, don't do it then either. This is just a Eucharist.

-Not a wedding.

-Come on.

Heads-up, Vicarage. I think some of this lot might be homos.

What in the name of all that is holy is going on downstairs?

Why's everyone all dressed up? It's like the Ascot races down there!

I had no idea there'd be so many. I've got to do something profound.

-About what?

-Rob and Jeremy's marriage.

Is this a gay marriage, Adam?

No, I'm not marrying them. I'm just doing a prayer.

-OK. Maybe I can adapt this?

-Are you making up liturgy again?

No. Yes. I'll just do a dedication.

You cannot do a dedication service for homosexuals. It's...

Yes, yes. I'll just adapt this.

Must remember not to say 'marriage'. Or 'union'.

The church doesn't recognise same-sex unions.

There's no canon law for it, and there's no service for it.

-Yeah. Did Jesus have a service?

-No. But we do.

This is a blatant flaunting of church law.

I'd have thought you'd be pleased to see two men

making a public declaration of their love for one another.

What are you insinuating, Adam? I am in a hot, straight-blooded

-relationship with a beautiful young filly.

-Yep, sure you are.

Now, I need to say something about the couple.

Prayers for the future. OK, I can make this work.

Well, I won't come and visit you in prison.

I'm going home, to look at Cherry.

Good evening, everyone.

(Oh, don't walk up the aisle!)

Hi, Mum!

Oi! D'you want to buy any Es for the party afterwards?

-No, thanks!

-Ketamine?

# Hallelujah, Hallelujah,

# Praise with us the god of grace. #

Robert and Jeremy.

Earlier today you committed yourselves to one other in a union.

-Not here, but at the Town Hall.

-We're married!

-No, you're not.

-Yes, we are.

No, you are... Yes, sort of. But you were. Not here.

-Because it's against the law.

-No, it's not.

Yes. No, it's against church law.

So, what we're doing here is celebrating your intention

to be together, for better for worse, for richer for poorer,

in sickness and in health, and to love and to cherish,

-till death do you part.

-I do.

No, you don't.

APPLAUSE

-Shall we do the rings again?

-No.

And we, as their friends, will do all in our power

to love and support them.

ALL: We will!

No, don't say that!

CHEERING

OK, no, stop. STOP!

OK.

Let us pray.

I hope it wasn't too much of a disappointment?

No, no!

It's our fault for not quite understanding the extent

-to which it couldn't be a wedding.

-No, I should have been clearer.

No, no. Our fault.

Would it have been really bad to have exchanged the rings?

-I'm sorry.

-No, it was great. Lots of it was great.

-All our friends are here.

-Yep.

C'mon, husband, let's get off to the party.

Rob, sorry.

Sorry.

Come on.

Hello, Adoha, hi.

I hope I'm not late.

Adoha?

Hello?

Adoha?

Adoha?

Adoha?

(Adoha?)

(Adoha?)

(Adam, darling, you're home.)

(Yes. How's she been?)

(She is such a beautiful baby.)

-(Yes.

-Our child.)

(Yes, she's not yours. Get up.)

(Shit, that's Alex! Get up, quickly! Put your clothes on!)

Hi. I'm home. Who's in?

A fair fight!

Why do gay men know how to throw the best parties?

-Oh, hello, Adoha!

-Hello, Alex.

What have you two been doing? Having sex?

ADAM LAUGHS

Katie is sleeping quite soundly.

Yes, everything's been fine, hasn't it, Adoha?

She does have quite bad nappy rash, though, Alex.

Oh, shut up! Who's going to have a drink with me?

Come on, Adoha. We should learn to like each other.

And I want to say sorry for all the nasty things I've said about you.

Have we got any of that prune schnapps left?

-Colin drank it.

-What nasty things?

She's joking. Thank you so much for coming, Adoha.

You were brilliant.

Will you have a glass of Proud Stag Indian whisky with me?

Did you have to say that to Adoha?

Sorry. Look, we've got all these drinks here we never drink!

Urgh!

What's this one? This looks very...brown.

-Eau de vie?

-Water of Death. No, thanks.

No. Bad drink.

Hello, my European friend!

(ADOPTS HUNGARIAN ACCENT): Hungarian apricot palinka from Kecskemt.

When did we go there?

-Your dad did.

-Oh.

Adoha's all right. She can babysit again

if you want to take me away somewhere wonderful.

-No, we're not using her again.

-Suits me.

I don't want to go to Roland's cock place, anyway.

Ooh, Australian mango rum?

Aussie fun in a bottle.

DOORBELL RINGS

I hear you're doing gay weddings now.

What? No! Who said that?

I did a Wednesday evening Eucharist, that's all.

Archdeacon, you big church knob! How's tricks?

Good evening, Alexandria. Tricks is good.

Do you want a slurp of my Zotig?

I found it in the fridge. It's beer and orange.

Not tonight, Alexandria.

Parenthood is treating you well, I see.

I'm drunk because we've just been to a big gay wedding at the church.

-Ah.

-She doesn't mean that.

I think you and I need to have a little chat tomorrow,

don't you, Adam?

Goodnight.

Taxi!

'Dear Lord. I should never have tried to please Rob and Jeremy

'and follow church law, it was never going to work.

'Stupid of me.

'As usual, I bend over backwards to try and please everyone

'and end up pleasing no-one. Lord, did you want me to marry them?

'If I had, I'd be in a lot of trouble.

'Mind you, I seem to be in trouble anyway.

'Maybe that's what you want. Me in a lot of trouble.

'Jesus liked trouble.'

Apparently, someone said 'I do', and men were seen kissing in the nave.

-It wasn't a gay wedding.

-We'll see.

The Deanery has asked me to ascertain the facts.

Of course they did. This is perfect for them, isn't it?

Oh yes, they've got it in for you. Well observed.

If you are found to have conducted a gay wedding, Adam

you will be first suspended, then defrocked, then KILLED,

by one of the Bishop's teams of assassins,

who patrol town in unmarked cars.

Well, you can tell Ben & Jerry

that I did a normal mid-week Eucharist,

in which I offered some prayers for the union

of two gay friends of mine. That's all. And that's legit.

Show me the Order of Service for Wednesday, please.

I don't have one. It was a normal mid-week Eucharist.

I used one of these.

Did you use the word 'marriage' at any point?

I have two witnesses who say they heard the word marriage.

I did say marriage.

During the prayers, I said, "This service is not a marriage."

Show me the prayers, please.

This is what you used?

Yes. But look there, it says 'don't say marriage'.

You quite literally put your service together on the back of an envelope?

Oh! What does it say here?

Love?

No, Hove. They met in Hove.

That's where they met. Near Brighton.

I'm going to keep this if I may?

During your Eucharist, were rings exchanged?

Um. No.

-Did they make vows to each other?

-No.

Did the couple join hands?

No.

That is incorrect.

Let me show you Exhibit A.

So, this is one of your standard mid-week Eucharists, is it, Adam?

It was not a gay wedding.

Do you know how I know? Because I took the service!

Please, Robert, I didn't break the law, I promise you.

They wanted a wedding. I refused. I let them down.

You don't even believe in this law yourself!

Don't try and tell me what I believe, Adam!

I believe in church unity.

Now this is what we're going to do.

I'm going to report to the Area Dean

that I'm satisfied that Canon law was followed.

And you are going to destroy this. Completely.

Someone's coming. Quick. It might be The Area Dean.

-Eat it.

-What? Oh, come on.

-Eat it. In the name of Church unity.

-Eat it. Eat it all!

-'Hell-oo.'

I can hear a woman's voice.

-Oh, no, it's Nigel.

-Hello, Archdeacon.

I'm so glad you're here. We do need to discuss

how to prevent the pigeons making such a mess.

I wish I had married them now.

The belief is that marriage is a Sacrament from God

that can't be played around with.

A Eucharist is only a Eucharist with bread and wine.

A marriage is only a marriage with a man and a woman.

If you can marry a man and man,

then we might as well celebrate the Eucharist with beer and crisps.

Sounds good to me.

I don't understand why God hates poofs so much.

He doesn't, Colin. God loves poofs.

He loves us all. No.

I had great fun after the wedding.

How many times? It wasn't a wedding.

I went with these two blokes to that sauna by the garage,

and we all took MDMA.

Once they all started wanking each other off, I left.

-But it was fun up till then.

-Well, that's a lovely story, Colin.

Can we talk about something else now?

I don't mind them kissing.

It's all that bum sex that's wrong.

You should only do that with a woman.

Did you tell the Archdeacon I did a gay wedding?

No.

-Do you want me to?

-No, because I haven't done one.

Yet.

Jeremy Walter Turner, will you take Robert John Crosbie

to be your husband?

Will you love him, comfort him, honour and protect him

and, forsaking all others,

be faithful to him, as long as you both shall live?

I will.

Robert John Crosbie, will you take Jeremy Walter Turner

to be your husband?

Will you love him, comfort him, honour and protect him,

and, forsaking all others,

be faithful to him, as long as you both shall live?

I will.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd