Episode 3 Rev.

This programme contains some strong language.

..to which I replied, "I was just lactating."

A lot of people just need someone to talk to.

Loneliness. It's everywhere.

It's a sort of invisible plague in the inner city.

You know... Where DO all the lonely people come from?

It's... It's awful.

Oh, don't take it off.

Well, we're going to eat soon.

I find it tends to put people off their food.

I'm sure this lot could do with some spiritual leadership.

-Will you be saying grace later?

-I don't think my wife would be very happy if I did that.

She's the fun one over there.

They've just employed her to head up their newly expanded Legal Aid department.

Do you work here too?

Er, no.

-What's your what's your line of...?

-Er, I'm an artist.

Oh, I see. Oh, well, the sensitive types are huddling in the corner.

What sort of stuff?

All sorts. Sculpture, mostly, at the moment.

This lot have commissioned me to do a piece for their large foyer,

so I'm kind of obliged to turn up and say hello...

I see. What sort of thing?

Oh, it's pretty kitsch, really.

It's a taxidermied piece

where the jaws of increasingly aggressive animals

swallow each other, ending with a man

with a knife and fork tucking into a tiger's head.

But I think, this lot, they just kinda like the title...

-Which is?

-Natural Law.

Oh!

Mike. Mike Tobin.

Adam. Adam Smallbone.

Hang on... Are you Mike Tobin who won the Turner Prize?

-THE Mike Tobin.

-Oh, that was a few years ago now.

How often do you pray?

-Um. Quite a lot, actually.

-It fascinates me.

Is it formal? I mean, do you have a routine?

You get down on your knees?

Sorry. I'm just...really interested in this stuff.

No. It's lovely to be asked. It can be at anytime and any place

and about anything. In my case, it's often a bit of a moan...

Adam, I'm going to ask you something straight.

Has anyone ever exhibited in St Saviour's?

-Because I'm looking for a church.

-Are you?

-Yeah.

Well, we just have a school art competition every year...

Come on, quick, you two! Time to eat. What a bunch of wankers!

Not you two.

This is your moment, isn't it?

Come to St Saviour's on Sunday.

I will. I'd love to.

GLASS CLINKS

Hello, everyone.

As well as being Alex's very, very proud husband,

I am also a priest, and I just wanted to offer a short grace,

if nobody minds.

Benedict Domine nos et donna tua...

So embarrassing! No-one knew where to look.

I've said I'm sorry.

And why in Latin? You were just showing off.

Ut illis salubriter nutriti tibi debitum...

No. I don't need to hear it again!

-You love it when I speak Latin...

-No.

-Yes, you do.

-You're a big shot now. I'm so proud of you.

-No, I'm not.

You're so powerful. It's frightening but it's also very sexy...

-Is it?

-Yeah.

BABY CRIES OVER MONITOR

Oh, bollocks.

Why is she so loud?!

She wants your boobs...

-I'll go.

-No, I'll go.

TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS IN CAR

Erm, excuse me...

I think you dropped this?

Oh, did I?

Woops. Looks like I dropped that, as well. Pick it up, ladyboy!

YOUNG MEN LAUGH

Oh, bollocks.

No, Ellie, I wish I hadn't told you now...

They're going to close the church and you weren't going to tell me.

MIGHT close the church, and I just did!

I just hadn't had a chance with your divorce and everything.

Look, it's not actually going to happen.

I only need about 60 grand.

I just have to tell you in case you want to talk to the

Diosossossosso...

Sorry, not funny. The Diocesan Board for schools.

And see what my options are? Great, Adam, thanks.

Now, listen, on my way here, I had to have some stern words

with a group of lads who were chucking stuff out of a car window

and it made me think,

have you ever done a litter pick with the children?

Don't change the subject. I will obviously get stuck

with either halitosis-ridden Father Winters at St Art's

or grinning Nick Archdale from St Botolph's, won't I?

I think I'd rather put up with your disorganised shambles

-than face either of them.

-Oh, thanks(!)

-No, Adam, I don't mean that.

-No, I know.

We understand, don't we, Katie?

Yes.

I just thought we should do a St Saviour's litter pick, that's all.

Kids, parents, you, me.

Start at the church, Honeycombe Estate,

down to the canal, back to the church. Fun.

As long as you provide the gloves and special tongs.

-I'm not touching anything.

-Oh, well, great, that was easy.

Anyway, look, they can't just kick me out.

I'd have to retire or something, which is out of the question.

Have some faith. The Good Lord will provide.

Well, you'd be terribly missed here by the children.

Just the children?

And by me, of course.

Oh, really? Why?

-Oh, for goodness sake, don't be pathetic.

-Why will you miss me?

-REALLY why?

-Yeah.

Because you do what you're told.

Mike Tobin does conceptual stuff mostly.

Quite bold and shocking, some of it.

Is it? Or is it bullshit?

But in a way, all art is an attempt, at some level,

to describe creation,

so you could argue that it's always a religious act.

I was a life model for a bit.

-Were you, Colin?

-It was a wonderful time for me.

That's good to hear.

People came to the classes and, you know, they liked me.

Did they?

Yeah, it's just that, well, I'm quite big, Adam. Down there.

Are you?

It's where I get all my confidence from.

And all these people...

they used to gather in this lovely room every week...

and I'd get undressed...

and they'd study it...

then draw it.

I see.

It was the most sexually dynamic period of my life, Adam.

They could smell it on me. They wanted me.

Do you and Alex do it much now or does she prefer breastfeeding?

ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS

# Did such love and sorrow meet

# Or thorns compose

# So rich a crown... #

Where is Chris today, Ellie?

I don't know, Adoha.

Oh, I am sorry not to see him here today.

I'm not. We're getting divorced.

What a space.

Sort of distressed Georgian.

It's like a huge metaphor for our degraded culture.

You know, I would love to do a piece right here.

Something bold, simple.

CAMERA CLICKS Do you mind if I take a few photos?

No, no, help yourself.

Don't be shy.

Oh, great.

Always gets me, this First World War stuff.

Me too.

Are you a regular church goer, Mike?

I started going a couple of years ago...

when I stopped drinking...

after my wife died.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Thank you. Yeah, it was a mellowing period.

Adam, could I have a word?

Yes, Nigel. Excuse me, Mike.

Do I gather that you are proposing to let Michael Tobin,

the so-called artist, exhibit in this church?

It's Mike. Possibly, I think it could be wonderful for us.

Michael Tobin who came to prominence

-displaying his dead parents embracing in an open coffin?

-Yes.

-We get on really well.

-Michael Tobin who did a portrait of the Queen

-with a penis instead of a face?

-Yes. But he's mellowed, he's quite spiritual now. It's Mike.

-How much are you charging him?

-Nigel, please don't be mercenary.

We need £60,000, Adam, by the next Deanery Synod in two months. It's not going away.

Look, in the first instance, this is a creative collaboration

between St Saviour's and a celebrated artist,

and secondly, everyone knows the last thing you do with rich people is talk about money.

They absolutely hate it.

Hopeless.

Listen, Mike, it's obviously a huge honour

to have you here at St Saviour's and probably far too early

to see anything, but do you have any sense of what sort of thing

it might actually be, at this point,

-in the broadest possible sense?

-I don't know yet.

-No, of course not.

At all?

Sculpture, probably. Human form.

In a state of grace, somehow.

Oh, yes.

I don't want you to worry.

You won't be getting a Mike Tobin shock rock.

For me, the Church is all about... Well, it's about redemption.

Me too. Well, I can't say I'm not relieved to hear it.

-I'm sure it'll be absolutely brilliant.

-I like paintings, Mike.

Will it be a painting of Jesus?

-Er, I don't really do paintings.

-(Too difficult.)

-What?

Michael, can I just say that, thrilled as we all are

at the prospect of your exhibit,

our church is in dire straits financially,

and I think I speak for all of us when I say that anything

-you could give us in the way of a donation...

-Mike, I'm so sorry, would excuse us for one second?

Will you shut up? What's the matter with you?

-That was incredibly rude.

-I'm trying to help.

If you want to help, pick up the service sheets,

or do some hoovering instead of making a scene.

I'm sick of being treated like a skivvy

while you jeopardise everything I love!

I've had enough!

Mike, what's the name of that photographer that done

the tennis player scratching her arse?

Sorry about that, Mike, I can only apologise for Nigel. Extraordinary.

It's fine, honestly. In fact, erm, I'd love to make a donation...

That is incredibly kind of you

but we couldn't possibly accept anything from you.

The life and inspiration that you are bringing into our lives

-is a huge gift in itself.

-How much do you need?

Oh, well... Ha... About 60 grand...ish.

Yeah, OK, so that should be fine.

-Um...

-I'll have my foundation organise it.

That's...

-Thanks.

-Hey, Mike? Who done this one?

Bye!

Wow. What a cultured and extraordinary man.

I said the Good Lord would provide and he actually has.

BIRDS CAW ABOVE

Listen, Colin, can you hear them?

-What?

-Seaside holiday sounds, here in the inner city.

You don't expect it, somehow.

Do you think they could be angels, Adam?

ADAM CHUCKLES

They could be, Colin...

they could be.

I'm home!

Oh, we know who that is, don't we?

That's Mumsy-wumsy just come back on a Sunday.

Hello, darling! Is Daddy still talking to you

in that incredibly irritating baby voice?

Did you remember to pick up dishwasher tablets?

Oh, bollocks. Sorry, I forgot.

Have you fed her?

-I was just about to.

-Well, what with?

Everything's filthy. Honestly, Adam!

Come here. You look lovely.

No. I'm cross. You're hopeless.

Alex, something's amazing's happened.

Mike Tobin is offering us a donation of £60,000

in return for using the church on the 15th. I know!

Nothing certain yet, obviously, but it would save our bacon.

Oh, that's wonderful.

I can't really believe it. It's like a miracle.

-Manna from heaven.

-Yes!

-Did you say on the 15th?

Yes, you are coming, aren't you?

Adam, I can't, I've got a client dinner that night.

Oh, right, OK.

Actually, it isn't, really.

-What?

-Alex, I know you have this big important job

and you hate the fact that I'm looking after our daughter this week

and you've always been very vocal about how annoying it is

being married to a vicar, but, on this occasion,

after a quite long and quite stressful period,

something actually miraculous has happened

-and it...

-DOOR BELL RINGS

It would be really lovely to be married to someone

-who appeared to give a shit!

-Listen!

-And also, it would be great

if we actually had sex once in a while.

-Mick?

-Nah, nah, nah.

Sonata.

Oh, right, I see. Hello, Sonata.

Yeah, that's it.

Want some action, sweetheart?

Erm, no, not really.

You don't know what you're missing.

I've got a pretty good idea.

I'll be yours all night for 2,000.

You can take me to the opera, up the West End,

dinner with your friends...

-No, thanks.

-You so sexy.

Give you full service - £150...

No!

-£50?

-No!

-£30?

-No, Sonata, I'm not interested.

-£5?

-Please stop doing that, Sonata,

I'm not going to pay you to have sex.

Why not? I'll lend you the money.

Sorry, Mick, we're in the middle of a row at the moment

and we'd quite like to get back to it, if that's all right.

If you need me anytime...just call Sonata.

Bye-bye, sweetie.

Well, there you go. I don't know what you're complaining about.

Run, you might catch her.

Alexandria was here, like this...

Yes, I know...

"Aaah! Aaah!", and I lay there, in her liquids...

-Uh-huh...

-and I brought your daughter into this world.

Yes, we have been over this.

Yes, but I did it. Not you. And I saw everything.

And that's why you can't christen her. I understand.

It's just because we haven't had time yet.

But £60,000! You really are quite something.

-No, don't tease me.

-Yes.

-No.

Who'd have thought it? A Mike Tobin Pop-up at St Saviour's.

-It's more of a private view, actually.

-Oh, what is it?

Um...it's a one-off before it gets donated to the Tate.

I'm sure. Have you seen it?

Sculpture. It's redemptive in some way.

-You haven't seen it.

-Not the absolutely finished article, no.

Wonderful(!)

You're displaying a piece you haven't seen by an artist

famous for his depictions of sexual depravity.

How clever you are(!)

But I'm not worried. He's mellowed, his wife died,

-and he's actually a churchgoer now.

-How moving(!)

I've got the Diocesan Secretary breathing down my neck,

and you're on her shit list, as you know.

But if Mike Tobin can actually make you solvent, she can't touch you.

-Great.

-Mess it up and it'll be like watching a killer whale

toss a baby seal in the surf.

Now. What about my tickets? I want to come.

Shall I slip in the back entrance?

I'll see what I can do.

Would it help if I dropped you at the church?

Driver, the failing old church on the high street, please.

-Quick as you can.

-Thank you.

Nigel, where have you been? I've been trying to get hold of you

-to tell you about Mike Tobin's donation. It's amazing.

-PHONE BEEPING

The phone's going off the hook for the show.

And he's sent us a huge bottle of champagne,

which I can't wait to share with you.

Also, I'm really sorry about yesterday. Please, let's talk.

Oh, and also that light has come on the photocopier again

-which I think is low ink, isn't it?

-PHONES BEEPING / RINGING

Anyway, can you call me? Bye.

-Is Katie here?

-Hello, Colin!

-MULTIPLE PHONES RINGING

Hello, St Saviour's?

-Well, it's by invitation only...

-BABY CRIES

..through the Michael Tobin Foundation. Yes. Bye.

I think I'm going to have to leave a message.

-AUTOMATED VOICE:

-Announcement one.

You have reached the offices of St Saviour's.

Any enquiries about the Mike Tobin event should be directed...

-BABY CRIES

-Colin, this is hopeless.

Don't worry, Vicarage. I'll walk her round the church.

PHONE RINGS

# Rock a bye baby

# On the tree top... #

"One rules, justly over men,

-"ruling in..."

-BABY CRIES

Oh, it's not very good, is it?

# Onward Christian Soldiers... #

Oh, for God's sake. Katie, can't you shut the fuck up?!

Let's try this.

CRYING STOPS

Ah! You like that, don't you, eh?

Just like her mum.

There you go.

Honestly, this is the worst bit of the whole area.

Colin...

I've found some dog poo, miss.

Don't sniff it, Simon! That's disgusting!

Leave it to an adult.

So, how's single life, Miss Patman?

-Met anyone nice?

-Not really.

I shagged my Pilates instructor.

Really?

-Fun?

-Physically, yeah.

Well, you're looking good on it.

I found some more!

Don't move, Simon,

Reverend Smallbone's coming to help you.

SOUNDTRACK - CHILDREN SINGING: # One more step along the world I go

# One more step along the world I go

# From the old things to the new

# Keep me travelling along with you

# From the old, I travel to the new

# Keep me travelling along with you

# Round the corner of the world I turn

# More and more about the world I learn

# All the new things that I see

# You'll be looking at along with... #

HARD TECHNO MUSIC

Unbelievable. They're doing it again.

Excuse me. We talked about this before, didn't we?

YOUTH: Back up, man!

Keep calm, Ellie. Sometimes you've got to stand up for what's right.

-Little bitch. What?!

-Put it in your ball sack.

-What? What you gonna do?!

Lick it off the dirty bitch.

What you doing?!

Give me that, Simon.

Come on then! Don't you want it? Cos I LIKE IT!

No...

Ellie...

Sorry about that...everyone.

Wow.

Are you OK?

Never better.

I've got some champagne in the vestry.

My clothes are disgusting. Have you got anything I can borrow?

Um... Only some cassocks and some overalls, I'm afraid.

Here it is...

-Courtesy of Mike Tobin.

-Excellent.

That really suits you.

Would you like to try this hat on, as well?

-You've still got a bit of dried milkshake in your hair.

-Have I?

May I?

Thank you for being so kind, Adam.

You were great today.

-Was I?

-Mm-hmm.

So were you.

Is it out now?

Almost.

Sorry.

It's OK.

But we better stop now.

STAIRS CREAK / MAN CLEARS THROAT

-Hello?

-Hello.

-Are you playing a game?

-We're just changing.

Your faculty permission has arrived for your pop-up.

But you've got to sign this letter of indemnity

to protect the 'art'.

I use the term loosely.

Oh, brilliant. Shall I do that now, then?

Haven't seen you for a couple of days. Are you OK?

Would you like some champagne?

'Dear Lord, I'm such a fool, I'm such a fool.

'What have I done?

'Did Nigel see Ellie and me?

'He did, didn't he?

'He could have done, then crept down the stairs,

'coughed and come up again...

'It's the worst thing I've ever done in my entire life, isn't it?

'Yes, it is. I feel sick.

'Should I kill myself?

'But how bad was it, really?

'You still hate extramarital sex, don't you? But just kissing?

'No, I know.

'I've given to Ellie what I swore to give all my life

'in a blessed sacrament to Alex.

'And look at Katie, so innocent, so helpless, and I am disgusting.

'How can I atone? What should I do? Tell me.

'Please. I'll do anything. Anything at all...'

-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-Excuse me, young lady, this is a hard hat area.

Adam, what on earth are you doing?

I've come to repair your lift.

OK, right... Oh!

Is the hard hat a fantasy thing?

Oh, Adam, you're very sweet...

Take it off, come on. Come to bed.

I'm sorry I've been so horrid recently.

You're lovely and sexy and I'm awful and grumpy.

-No, you're not.

-Yes, I am.

-No, you're not.

-Yes, I am.

Come on then, Reverend Bigbone.

Thank you for changing your plans, Alex.

This'll be much more fun than a client dinner.

What's the matter?

I love you so much. That's all.

There's no need to look so miserable about it. Come on.

Hello.

Thank you.

And what are you calling this?

Beyond Belief.

Hello.

Hello, Adoha. Isn't it wonderful, all these people?

-How is little Katie?

-She's fine. Pooing like a St Bernard.

-Do you want to look after her?

-Oh, yes, please.

I wish it was her christening, though.

Oh, good, there's Ellie.

Hi!

-All right, Vicarage, this is great, innit?

-Yes...

Oh, you've got...a whole bottle. Well done.

I remember seeing his end of year show at Camberwell years ago.

He was experimenting with concepts of cannibalism

in the communion ritual.

Sounds awful.

No, no, I loved it.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Can I just say how proud we are to have Mike Tobin here.

He's given us the huge honour of unveiling his new sculpture

here at St Saviour's and so, without further ado,

if you're happy, Mike?

Oh, yes, sorry. Yes, the music, yeah.

DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC

Gosh, it's all quite exciting, isn't it?

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Beyond Belief.

CROWD GASP

APPLAUSE

(It's not true, it's not true, it's not true.)

Why are you doing this? What are you trying to say?

I thought we were friends!

I give you my church, a place of worship and community,

and you just use...

You photograph me and you exploit me for this pornographic crap...

It's not personal, Adam.

CROWD GASP

Beyond belief?!

What's beyond belief is that this sort of bollocks

gets any credence at all.

-Get out! Get out now!

-Adam!

Get out of my church!

Oh, dear, it seems we're casting the money lenders out of the temple.

He wasn't lending it, he was giving it.

-Adam!

-Get out!

-Adam! Stop!

I spend my life in this place trying to do the right thing,

and you put my face on that...

That shit.

-What?

-I am not perfect, God knows, but I am not THAT MAN.

What are you talking about? It's not your face.

It's not your face, Adam.

-It's not your face, darling.

-It's not your face, Adam.

-What?

-Yeah, it's his face.

-Is it?

-Yeah.

Oh, dear.

It's my face, Adam. I'm the priest.

And that woman is my wife.

(Pretentious.)

My dead wife.

So it is.

Right. Gosh. Right. Umm...

How...embarrassing.

I'm so terribly, terribly sorry.

I've made a bit of a scene for no real reason.

I shall of course make it up to you.

Erm... How much was it?

Well, don't worry about the sculpture. It's a cast, anyway.

And I won't worry about the donation, if that's OK.

No...of course not, in the circumstances.

Brilliant(!)

Shall we go?