Episode 4 Rev.

This programme contains some strong language

# I couldn't hear nobody pray

-# I couldn't hear nobody pray

-Hear nobody

# I couldn't hear nobody pray. #

Turn away from sin and be faithful to Christ.

Remember that you are dust,

and to dust you shall return.

Turn away from sin and be faithful to Christ

Remember that you are dust,

and to dust you shall return.

Turn away from sin and be faithful to Christ.

So I had the pleasure of a DAC meeting with the Diocesan Secretary

and the new Area Dean last night.

It was like being trapped in a threesome with Ann Widdecombe

and Theresa May, but not quite so much fun.

The issue of St Saviour's annual audit came up...

Ah, yes, yes, I know. I understand.

If we can't prove we're solvent by then, we're toast.

"Toast" being an ecclesiastical term meaning "facing redundancy".

St Saviour's is not going to close. We're going to get the money.

Various ideas were floated for future uses of the building.

Flats, a nightclub, or London's most distinctive Tesco Metro.

It's never seriously going to become a Tesco's?

Look, nobody wants to see the body and blood of our lord Jesus Christ

be replaced by Fridge Raiders and bottles of WKD

on a shelf where the altar used to be.

But, fail that audit, that's what's going to happen.

Hello, I'm Adam.

Ah, George.

-Best not to be mistaken for a careless arsonist.

-Quite.

I've seen you here almost every day this week, haven't I?

Sorry, I'm probably overdoing it!

Not at all! There's plenty of room, as you can see.

I've got more time on my hands than I'm used to.

-I'm taking a break from work.

-What line of work are you in?

Adam, everyone wants to know when you're going to baptise lovely Katie.

Adoha, I'd love to do it right away,

but sadly we don't do baptisms during Lent.

But until she's baptised she's defenceless against Satan's claws!

You leave Satan's claws to me.

If necessary, I'll distract them...

with your delicious biscuits.

-SHE GIGGLES Please, take one!

-Thank you.

You first!

Great news, girls!

Guess what? New parishioner, an accountant!

And not just any accountant - ex-City, blue chip corporate,

and he's agreed to help us with the audit! Hooray!

Also, I bought myself a birthday cake.

Pathetic, I know, but you're so busy, and I just thought...

-Oh, hello, Ellie.

-Hello, Adam.

Hiya, darling. We're just having a chat.

Right.

-I should go.

-Why? It's only Adam.

Pretend he's not there, it works for me.

-Yeah, please don't go, Ellie.

-I think I'm all talked out, anyway.

What were you talking about?

Oh, just picking over the shrapnel

from the exploded bomb of my marriage.

Chris has moved in with a woman from Cadbury's head office.

Oh, right.

How terrible. I'm so sorry, Ellie.

I'm relieved he's got somewhere else to sharpen his pencil.

And when I say pencil, I mean the really tiny ones you get from IKEA.

-See you later, Alex.

-OK, bye.

So, cup of tea?

Plus, chocolate Hobnobs.

You only live once. Unless you're a Hindu, lucky buggers.

-What's going on?

-What do you mean?

-Why are you being weird?

-I'm not being weird.

Why did Ellie run away like a lobster jumping out of a saucepan?

I don't know, maybe she's got a hot date? Back on the horse?

-How was your day, my love? Where's Katie?

-Sleeping.

-Tell me.

-Tell you what?

Adam, this is me you're talking to, your wife, who knows you quite well.

You couldn't look more guilty if you'd accidentally crucified Christ.

-Tell me what happened.

-Nothing happened.

What could possibly have happened?

-Has something happened between you and Ellie?

-No!

-Did you get drunk and make a pass at her again?

-Of course not!

Now, much more important question,

what sort of sausages do you want for dinner?

There's poncey, with apple,

or normal, with sausage?

Put the sausages away and tell me the truth.

OK. Something... something sort of happened.

But it was something so small that it was closer to nothing.

It was just a, just a mistake.

What, you tripped up on a rug and your willy went in her?

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

It was just a kiss.

You kissed Ellie?

It was more of a j-joke than anything else.

-Yeah, sounds fucking hilarious.

-Well, come on.

Remember when you kissed that Brian bloke at that party?

That was Brian!

I was pissed out of my mind, and I did it in front of you.

What, and that makes it better?

Better than doing it behind my back and lying about it!

I wasn't lying about it, I just hadn't told you yet.

-And when were you planning on telling me?

-At the correct time.

-At the appropriate time.

-I can't believe this.

I am barely keeping my sanity together with a new job,

and Katie, and two hours' sleep a night,

and you're running around like Reverend fucking Hard-On,

sexing it up with shitting Ellie!

KATIE CRIES

-Shall I go and check on Katie...?

-Don't. You just go.

-Go?

-Yeah.

-Go where?

I don't know. Just go.

DOOR SLAMS

HE EXHALES SLOWLY

-Hello, Nigel.

-Hello, Adam.

Boiler exploded at the vicarage. Water everywhere.

Oh, no.

Alex has taken Katie to her dad's. Muggins here caught the short straw.

You can't sleep here.

You...could stay at my flat?

That's very kind of you, I couldn't possibly...

Oh, no, no, it'd be perfectly OK.

Just, just give me an hour or two

to, to tidy up after, after Cherry.

Cherry, your girlfriend Cherry?

Yeah. The place is filthy.

She's, er, she's a real...

slut.

Here we are, then, home sweet home.

Cherry got called to Paris in a hurry.

-Ah, right.

-Modelling.

She's not a supermodel, she's just a...

a model.

She's not a ten, you know. Eight, eight-and-a-half tops.

That's one of her favourites.

Yes, that's...lovely.

So, shall I go on the sofa, then, if you're in the bedroom?

Oh, actually, this... this is the bedroom.

Thought perhaps we could top and tail?

Yes, why not?

Brilliant.

BED CREAKS

This is so kind of you.

Och.

I keep telling her, "Just put them in the basket!"

Will she listen? Not on your nelly.

Do you mind, I...

..WE usually go to sleep listening to an audiobook.

No, no, that's fine.

"I put two guns out, I got the tanks out..."

-Good night, Adam.

-Night, Nigel.

'Hello, any call sign, this is Bravo Two Zero, over.

'Nothing. We were approaching about seven o'clock in the morning now,

'and it actually started to rain. We couldn't believe it,

'we're in the middle of the desert and it's starting to rain.'

-I've seen worse accounts, although not many.

-Right.

But I'll get you through the audit.

-I've found a few thousand pounds' worth of holes we can plug right away.

-A-ha!

Have you tried sale and leaseback on the church property?

What about renegotiating the energy contracts?

-No, no, no, sounds amazing!

-DOOR OPENS

Adam, I was hoping we... Oh, hello.

Hello, Nigel. Have you met George?

Hello. Happy to be joining the team.

George is a top City accountant who's up for being church treasurer!

What?

-But I'm the treasurer.

-Acting treasurer.

Can I show you something in the gallery? Excuse me, George.

Look, we're in desperate need of help. The accounts are going to be late again.

George can make a huge difference.

You'd be the first to admit you're not a financial wizard.

No, I would not. Do you even know anything about him?

I know he was a Senior Accounting Officer for ten years.

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Try telling that to the Trojans.

Well, I'm sure he's not packed with Greek warriors.

Come on, let's go back in there, put the kettle on,

talk him through the books.

How's the patient, doc?

Well, I'm not sure whoever did these ever quite got the hang of Excel...

CROCKERY SMASHES

Mug.

It's best to leave Nigel alone when he's in that sort of mood.

It saves a lot of money on crockery.

Well, here's to saving St Saviour's.

It's so great you're getting involved.

You're helping me as much as I'm helping you.

Now, you have to be elected Treasurer before you can sign off on a financial report,

-so once you've done a basic CRB check I can just...

-CRB?

Criminal Records Bureau. It's average church red tape.

-You'll get used to it, I'm sorry to say.

-Right.

Look, I...probably should have mentioned this earlier, but I...

..just got out of prison two months ago.

Oh.

I served a three-month sentence

for offences relating to internet...

..to child images.

-Oh, right.

-I...don't do that sort of thing any more.

I don't even have a computer. But I...should have told you.

It's just difficult to find the right time.

-First date, second date, you know?

-Yes.

Anyway...look, it's probably easier if I just go.

No, no, you don't have to.

Thanks for the coffee.

Make yourself comfy!

Are you sure, Colin? This is incredibly kind of you.

I haven't seen the bloke from the room next door since Thursday.

He won't miss his mattress.

MUSIC AND VOICES OUTSIDE

You know what? My mate European Bob's a top plumber.

Well, he used to be, before he started on the smack.

And he's not really a mate. In fact, he's a knob,

but I could ask him to have a look at your boiler.

I really don't think you need to do that, Colin, but thanks.

You'll have to mind out for Bongo.

She might rub herself up against you during the night,

or fart on your head.

DOG WHINES

Found her on the streets.

Had to smuggle her in here cos they don't allow pets, the wankers.

I love this little twat.

She's like my other half.

Sometimes we argue, like when she shat on my pillow,

but we always kiss and make up in the end, don't we, eh, Bongo?

HE KISSES BONGO

I s'pose it's like any relationship, like you and Alex.

Yes, although these days with less of the...

-Shitting on the pillow?

-I was going to say "kissing and making up".

Just rub her nose in it. That's what I do. Don't I, eh?

Yeah!

Good girl, aren't you, eh?

You're a beaut, aren't you?

Come here.

-Hi, Adam.

-Hello, Ellie.

Interesting assembly this morning.

No need to go quite so Old Testament on guilt, and sin,

and begging God for forgiveness.

-Unless you're trying to turn them all Catholic?

-Ha.

-I might have gone in a bit...hard.

-Mmm.

Or was it me you were targeting with your guilt gun?

Oh, no. No. Not at all.

Look, I won't keep you, I just wanted to say ...

..would you mind terribly giving Alex a call?

-Alex? Why?

-Well, because the other night, after you left...

I basically sort of ended up telling her what happened between us.

-You did what?

-She smoked it out of me.

She's like bloody Perry Mason!

That's just fucking great, Adam. And what did you tell her, exactly?

I told her nothing happened apart from a kiss,

but she didn't believe me, and now she's not returning my calls.

So I thought maybe if you told her how it really was...

-I don't think she'll ever believe the truth coming from me...

-No.

Playing the net in your game of emotional murder-tennis

isn't massively appealing.

So, if you don't mind...

-Did she chuck you out?

-Er, yeah.

It's OK. I'm sofa surfing.

By sofa surfing, I mean

sleeping on Colin's floor in the homeless hostel.

Ooh. Bloody hell.

The one light in the darkness was this City accountant

who's up for helping us out with our audit. But it turns out

-he just got out of jail for child pornography offences.

-What?

-Has he been near the school?

-No, I don't think so.

He hasn't been back since he told me.

I can't help thinking, what he did was terrible,

but shouldn't the church be some sort of sanctuary...?

I can't really deal with this right now, Adam.

Sure. Of course. I'm sorry.

Oh, by the way, happy birthday.

It is today, isn't it?

It's tomorrow, actually. But thanks.

See ya.

SHE SIGHS

To be honest, I was surprised when your number came up.

I thought perhaps you'd left your phone in your pocket

-and your bum was calling me.

-No.

-I don't want you to feel St Saviour's has closed its doors to you.

-That's really...

that means a lot.

Now, I have spoken to the Diocesan Safeguarding Officer,

he's agreed that it's fine for you to attend services

as long as you sign this Offender's Agreement.

"George agrees to take responsibility to move away

"if a child or young person should sit next to him at church."

-I'm happy to discuss the wording.

-No, it's fine.

Of course I'll sign it. But I'm NOT a danger to children.

I've never touched a child, and I never would.

But you are on the sex offenders' register for child porn offences,

-so you can understand our concerns...

-It's not child porn.

Pornography implies consent.

The correct term is child abuse images.

-Right.

-Sorry. I learned that in treatment.

-Look...

..George, I'm not here to put you on trial.

I'm assuming you're the victim of some sort of child abuse yourself...

No.

-Oh.

-No, I've had a pretty ordinary life.

Until recently, anyway.

Look...

I've used porn as long I can remember.

And when the internet arrived, the stuff I was looking at

got harder and harder, and...

younger and younger.

I ended up crossing boundaries I swore I'd never cross.

By the time the police came knocking,

I'd somehow amassed a collection of...

30,000 images.

-Oh, good grief.

-Somehow, you make it OK.

Tell yourself, "If I don't use a credit card, it's OK."

"Someone else did it, so it's OK."

But another part of you must have known...

how awful it was?

That's the horror.

You know it's the worst thing in the world, but you can't stop.

In a weird way, my arrest was the best thing that happened

because that's what it did, arrest me.

And I honestly don't know what else would have done.

But now I'm going to a sex addicts' group, and I'm having therapy,

and I'm taking anti-depressants to reduce my libido.

-And is all that...having an effect?

-Yeah.

And the biggest positive out of this nightmare has been finding a faith.

I know people expect me to reoffend.

So, I start every day on my knees, and I never get off them.

Well, it's great to hear God's working in your life like that.

A lot of God, and a little bit of medication.

Look, I should say that I had another look at your accounts...

Ah, yes.

I wasn't quite aware of just how much trouble you're in.

-Is it that bad?

-The short answer is yes.

But I'm still up for helping, if you'll have me?

Well, that's very...

MESSAGE ALERT BEEPS

-Is everything OK?

-Yes, I thought it was...

-It's Orange.

-Ah, two-for-one cinema tickets?

Well, I'm free most Wednesdays.

Every Wednesday, actually.

'Dear Lord,

'I know I'm not supposed to treat you like Father Christmas,

'but please could you get Alex to forgive me?

'"Get" sounds wrong, I mean "ask," next time you speak to her.

'Not that you do actually speak to people, but you know what I mean.'

'Also, thank you for the gift of George, the accountant.

'Although, it's a bit like being given a Kinder Egg

'with a tiny poo inside it.

'People don't give you enough credit for having a sense of humour.

'What he did makes my skin crawl, but I'm asking Alex for forgiveness,

'how can I deny it to someone else...?'

DOOR BURSTS OPEN

LOUD CHAT AND LAUGHTER

Ow. Ow.

Oi! Don't tread on my vicar!

He's my vicar, you piece of shit!

THEY SHOUT, GLASS SMASHES

DOOR OPENS

All right, that's it, break it up! Everyone, out.

Can't a guy have a bit of a party for his mate?

-You're ruining his birthday!

-I don't care if it's his birthday!

You can't sneak your mates in off the street.

DOG WHINES Oh, Colin.

You know the rules on pets.

You've had your final warning. I'm going to have to serve you notice.

For fuck's sake, Bongo!

I told you to stay under there, you pillock!

And there's a waiting list, OK, mate?

-You're going to have to speak to your key worker.

-Yes, OK, sorry.

Everybody, out.

See you later, yeah?

I'll call you when I get me mansion back, yeah?!

There you go, bubbies. All strapped in, OK?

Mummy's just got to send a quick e-mail about a very annoying,

very boring meeting, and then we'll be on our way.

Hi.

-How long have you been lurking there?

-I haven't been lurking,

I've been waiting to see you both.

-Hello, sweetums...

-Please don't wake her up.

-Look, I just wanted to talk...

-I don't want to talk to you.

-We're going to stay with my sister for a couple of days.

-What? Why?

I've got an enormous report to write, and Gemma said she'd help with Katie.

You've got the vicarage all to yourself, you're welcome to it.

-You might have to fix the doorbell, though.

-The doorbell?

It kept ringing so I unplugged it, quite aggressively.

Look, you don't have to...

-I can look after Katie.

-Yeah, well.

Call me later, OK?

What's the point in calling when you never answer the phone?

Oh, you want to do this now?

OK, do this now.

I just... I wanted to explain to you what happened between Ellie and me,

-or rather what didn't happen.

-We've been through this.

No, we haven't, because you think it was much worse than it was.

And if I'd just been completely honest straightaway, then we wouldn't be in this mess, so...

the only flesh-on-flesh contact between Ellie and myself

was in the lip area.

-Everything else was clothed.

-Dry humping?

No humping, dry or otherwise.

But there was some, breastual... there was some bosom contact.

Tit squeeze?

-Less of a squeeze, more of a...

-Grope?

One tit. The left one, I think.

-Just Lefty? What about poor old Righty?

-No, just the one.

So...now you know everything. That's it. That's everything.

-And did you enjoy it? Was it nice?

-No.

OK, I did enjoy it a bit.

But that doesn't mean I don't wish it never happened.

Adam, it's not about the...tits and the willies, and the fannies.

It's about the hearts.

You've broken mine.

ENGINE STARTS

Make a wish! Make a wish!

Ah, what a wonderful way to start.

Thank you, thank you. Adoha, can you cut some more slices?

So, the first item on the agenda is the appointment of Treasurer.

As we know, Nigel has been doing an excellent job

for the last few years on a temporary basis,

so, a round of applause for Nigel.

THEY APPLAUD

But we have a new parishioner, George, who has very kindly...

Point of order, point of information.

I have information about the candidate for Treasurer

that I must share with the members of the Parochial Church Council.

Get on with it, I want a slice of cake to go with me tea.

When George first arrived on the scene, I couldn't help wondering,

if he's such a financial big-shot, why is he unemployed?

So, I did some digging,

and it turns out he is not, in fact, on sabbatical,

he was fired after he was arrested.

So?

I have in my hand a piece of paper that reveals the true identity

of the man Reverend Smallbone has invited into the very heart of St Saviour's.

A convicted criminal who was released from prison

just eight weeks ago after serving a sentence for child sex offences!

Oh, my word!

-Did you know about this?

-Well, I...

You knew, and you wanted to appoint him anyway?

He's signed an Offender's Agreement.

It's all been checked by the Diocesan Safeguarding Officer...

But not by your congregation, because you knew we wouldn't have it.

Look, what George did was horrible, horrible,

but he's been to prison,

-he's lost his family, his career...

-It serves him right.

And he'll do it again, that is what they do.

How do you know that? Who are we to write him off as irredeemable?

"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

I've never done any kiddie-fiddling, so I'll cast the first stone.

He's not actually a kiddie-fiddler.

I've checked with the treatment centre, it seems he's doing OK.

The relapse rate for offenders like him having treatment is surprisingly low.

It's my assessment that he's a low risk.

And vicars have a long history of being spot on

when it comes to that particular assessment.

-The point is, there is a line, and you have crossed it.

-Really?

Is one sin so bad it trumps all the others?

It's God's job to forgive, not yours.

Would you be so eager to forgive George if he wasn't offering you free accounting services?

Yes, of course.

The bottom line is, you knew the truth

and you kept it from your congregation.

Which seems to be becoming a bit of a habit lately.

What's that supposed to mean?

I notice the boiler seems to be working fine, there's no sign of flood damage.

Or...of Alex.

Have Alex and Katie left you, Adam?

A bit.

Is it cos you're a paedo, too?

-Did you meet this bloke at paedo club?

-No, of course not.

There's no such thing as paedo club.

The first rule of paedo club is, don't talk about paedo club.

You might want to check your commandments, Father.

Especially number nine, about bearing false witness.

And the one about harbouring paedophiles that would've been there if it wasn't so bloody obvious!

Look, I'm sorry I lied about Alex.

That was probably... Well, no, it was definitely wrong.

I just can't believe that you would appoint a child sex offender

as Treasurer over...over me.

I can't believe you let a nonce on the premises, full stop.

I can't believe I gave him one of my biscuits.

Paedos are supposed to be sweaty wankers in tracksuits.

He wears nice shirts.

He's in disguise. It's sneaky.

Hands up all those who think George should be appointed treasurer?

And all those against?

OK, fine. Forgiveness has been outvoted.

We are rejecting the free services of the top corporate accountant

in favour of Nigel to get us through the church audit,

a loyal and committed congregation member who finds it difficult

to work out percentages even with the aid of a calculator.

I bet even Evan Davis finds percentages tricky.

Well, we don't have Evan Davis, do we? We have you. And me.

And I calculate our percentage chance

of saving this church from bankruptcy at roughly 0%.

The church is going bankrupt?

Technically, yes.

SHE SIGHS

Barring some sort of miracle.

What about the thermometer?

I'm afraid the thermometer, not being a magical thermometer,

isn't going to save us.

Look, we can save St Saviour's.

-We have to save St Saviour's.

-Yes!

Let's put all this behind us and work together.

Let's fight together.

Take, eat.

This is my birthday cake.

Do this in remembrance of me.

-I tell you what, this is fuckin' lovely.

-Good.

Sorry I'm late.

Are you all right? What happened?

-Colin.

-Oh, no.

Look, I didn't tell anyone.

Well, I told one person.

-But Nigel found out on his own and...

-It's not your fault.

People are scared of me, and I don't blame them.

I'm scared of me, too. But I'm doing my best.

There'll always be a place for you in St Saviour's, George...

-as long as it's still standing.

-That's really kind,

but I wanted you to know that I'm leaving.

This church was a refuge for me,

but now it just feels like somewhere else I'm not safe.

-PHONE RINGS

-Sorry.

Parole Officer.

It was good to meet you, Adam.

PHONE CONTINUES TO RING

Hi, Anna. Yes, I'm fine.

Hello, Adam.

Alex!

Wow.

It's wonderful to see you.

-KATIE WHIMPERS

-And you, my little darling.

I thought about what you said.

And, just for the record, I'm still really, really angry with you.

And Ellie, but mainly you.

Fair enough.

But I'm also aware of how little we've seen of each other lately.

Yeah.

Well, Katie, your new job, this place on its knees... It's a lot.

So, on balance,

I think the best thing might be to see more of each other, not less.

But if you ever grope anyone's tits again apart from mine,

I will rip your bollocks off.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Hey, look, there's the vicarage, there. Come on, Bongo.

Hey.

Oi, Paedo! Get out my churchyard!

-Leave him, Colin!

-Bongo, attack!

Bongo, attack!

For God's sake, Bongo! What is the point of you?!

Bongo! Come here!

Useless!