Episode 5 Rev.

This programme contains some strong language.

# I couldn't hear nobody pray

# I couldn't hear nobody pray

# (On the mountain)

# I couldn't hear nobody pray

# (In the valley)

# I couldn't hear nobody pray. #

The Bishop had wanted to see you in person -

but he's away in Cape Town till next Tuesday,

spreading the word, swimming with sharks,

-so he's asked me to see you meanwhile.

-A-ha.

Well, I couldn't tell from your call

whether this was going to be good news or bad news?

Well, we've had a formal letter of complaint about your conduct.

What? Who from?

You're entitled to see a copy of the letter.

Nigel McCall? Nigel. Stupid man. What's he complaining about?

I don't let him do enough sermons?

As you see, he accuses you of "an unprofessional relationship

"with Eleanor Pattman, headteacher of St Saviour's...?"

What?

And of "conduct unbecoming for a minister"?

There's also the specific accusation of a kiss.

Well... ha.

I don't know what to say to this. It's ridiculous. Obviously.

You don't need to respond now. Go away and think about it.

Then I will need you to send a formal written response to the Bishop.

He will then decide whether there are grounds for an investigation or not.

Not. You know this is nuts.

Well, yes, of course, fine, I'll write a response.

Good. I look forward to receiving it.

So...it was bad news.

Will you pour that away for me?

Morning.

Lots to do today.

Easter's coming and Father Winters would like to borrow

the large Holy Week cross.

Is it still in your shed?

The Palm Sunday procession

is starting from the Esso garage near him.

And I'm keen to get the new reader's rota up.

Cup of tea? Would you like? I'm having one.

No? Let me make you one.

Don't you fucking dare.

I can make tea, Adam. I can make you a tea.

What makes you think you have the slightest idea

of what my relationship with Ellie is?

We are not allowed to discuss the current situation.

The Clerical Disciplinary Code of 2011 is very clear.

Awkward as it is.

Why don't we just let the quasi-judicial ecclesiastical

procedures wend their way?

Why are you doing this?

Until it is resolved, we are not allowed to discuss this matter.

Paragraph 73 of the Disciplinary Code -

"Once a formal complaint has been made,

"it is inappropriate for the respondent to talk to the complainant

"about it." So...

Why don't we talk about some pastoral visits instead?

Withdraw it, Nigel. That's what you should do.

Now, who wants to go to the nursing home to do prayers?

You do.

The problem is, Nigel,

if we both stay in this room, I'm going to cut your genitals off

and burn them in front of you in this mug.

Right.

It's going to be like this, is it?

Yep.

I thought you had more maturity.

Nope.

Well, the point I'm making is that if you did cut my bits off,

then you'd clearly be in breach of paragraph 73

of the Clerical Disciplinary Code.

Oh, get out of here, you loathsome knob.

I will not be forced from this room. Paragraph 73 clearly states,

"Any attempt by the respondent to put pressure" -

that's what this is - "on the complainant"

"is improper." It's improper.

This is assault.

Right, OK, I will go to the nursing home, I will do prayers.

Paragraph 73!

He's a bitter...

jealous...

joyless...

pedant.

-How dare you...?

-Hello.

What are you doing?

Oh, nothing. Just writing my sermon.

How are you? You've had a long day.

-Can I get you anything? A drink? Do you want one?

-I'll get it.

How dare you what?

Hmm?

You said "how dare you...?" when I came in.

How dare you sin and not seek forgiveness from the Lord?

That's my sermon.

-Right. Old school.

-Yep.

Come in, please, have a seat.

Thank you for your response to Nigel McCall's

complaint of Conduct Unbecoming.

It was written a little in heat, I suspect.

That's putting it mildly.

I've asked Archdeacon Robert to join us.

Robert, be a good sport and make us all a cup of tea?

Of course, My Lord.

I'll have my usual. And...

Um. Yes, just tea.

What sort, Adam?

Any.

Well, we have many different types of tea.

Earl Grey, Ceylon, Oolong, Rooibos,

and numerous fruit and herbal infusions.

It's not really my area of expertise.

Just choose a fruit please, Robert.

Now, you confess to a kiss in your response.

Yes. One kiss.

But as I say, it was an entirely unromantic, innocent kiss.

It was a platonic kiss. I didn't enjoy it.

It was a mistake, I admit that.

Well, a kiss can be many things, of course.

I need to understand what's been going on,

and how you've got yourself into this situation.

So I've instructed Archdeacon Robert

to conduct a small investigation for me, amongst the key parties.

Is that necessary?

I'm afraid I have to tell you that

while the investigation takes place, you will be suspended from ministry.

It'll take no longer than 28 days, but while you're suspended,

you are prohibited from entering St Saviour's,

and in dealing in any pastoral ministry,

of any kind, with members of your parish.

Pomegranate and pineapple.

Take some comfort from Ecclesiasticus 2 -

"...gold is tested in fire, chosen men in the furnace of humiliation."

I imagine you're hoping to avoid fire and humiliation.

If possible.

THE BISHOP GROANS

Do you think he'll be all right?

He'll be all right.

Go and clear that up, would you, Robert?

63.7 feet.

Hmm.

And the length was 123 feet

so that is...

Oh, you're the one with the maths, my dear.

It's 7,835.1 square feet.

-Call it 7,800.

-OK.

DEVICE BEEPS

What are you doing?

Ah, hello, Father.

Just measuring the church.

How much does property go for around here?

£800 a square foot.

As much as that?

So what do you think this church is worth, then?

Well, it's £800 x 7,800...

7,800, that's...

Eight eights are 64. So... er, times...

Ow, hang on, erm...

-It's £6,240,000.

-Yep, yep.

Amazing.

But it doesn't matter what it's worth, does it,

because it's not for sale, is it?

And it has a small but dedicated congregation that deserve

a priest and I'm not resigning, and I have the freehold.

Sadly, Adam, that altereth not the fact that there's been no

sign of a change in the fortunes of St Saviour's.

We must do what is best for the Deanery as a whole.

How can you be church in a church that can't afford the lighting bills?

We must progress on all fronts hoping - hoping, hoping -

that against all the odds, there's a miracle

and you can save your building.

I'm not going to let it fail. I'm going to sort it out.

While you're suspended?

I was shocked to hear of your suspension, Adam.

Unfortunately while you're suspended, you're not actually

allowed in here, are you, Father?

Or am I mistaken?

I'm just collecting my things.

Hello, Colin. All right.

I'm sorry to ask, Vicarage, but any chance I can stay at yours tonight?

They won't have me back at the hostel.

Colin, things are a bit tricky at the moment.

I haven't got anywhere else to stay tonight.

It's getting dead cold now.

I'm sorry, it's a bit difficult...

Just one night.

The thing is I'm not really allowed to talk to anyone from the parish

at the moment.

Why not?

Come over here...

How dare they suspend you?

I bet you wish you had knobbed her now

if they're going to suspend you anyway.

It's just a temporary suspension.

It'll be over soon, but please don't mention it to anyone else.

Colin, I'm serious about that.

I just want this to blow over without Alex ever finding out.

Like that time you had that lump on your balls

and you didn't want me to tell anyone?

Yeah, but see, actually, you told everyone about that.

Oh, yeah. What happened with that?

We...it was just a fatty deposit. Forget that.

This is much more important than my ball lump.

Don't. Tell. Anyone.

Got ya.

Here, have some money.

I'm sorry I can't help properly.

That's...eight pounds and...something.

What am I going to do with that?

Towards a B&B?

What sort of B&Bs you been staying at?

Sorry, Colin. It's just all I've got.

C'mon Bongo. What a wank-stain.

HE SIGHS

I very clearly saw a kiss between Adam and Ellie.

And he's confessed to it, I gather.

He's a married minister, a school governor,

I'm sorry to say that his behaviour is not worthy of a priest.

I had no option but to complain.

How do you know it was a sexual kiss?

What, between Adam and Ellie?

Well, there are many different types of kisses, aren't there?

There's kisses of warmth, of friendship, even duty,

how do you know it was a kiss of passion?

Fair to say this was not a duty kiss.

Did you use tongues?

Talk to me, Adam.

I can only make this go away if you talk to me.

And if you want this to go away permanently, I've got to be thorough.

She may have slipped her tongue in briefly.

Tip of the tongue? Or whole tongue going in?

I can't remember. Is this necessary?

Oh, I'm afraid so.

'I can prove it.'

I've made a list of all the inappropriate remarks

he's made about her over the year.

March 4th PCC meeting. Adam Smallbone.

"I love Ellie."

I didn't say "I love Ellie." I said "I love Ellie."

Well, that's nice of him. We make a great team.

There are lots of different types of love, of course.

I love Call The Midwife and strawberry ice cream.

'March 16th,'

"I find Ellie's assemblies very rousing."

-CHUCKLING:

-Yes, "rousing". Not "arousing".

"Rousing".

Good. They are.

'April 30th,'

"I love it when she's strict with me."

I didn't... When did I say that?

During the school governors' meeting, apparently.

'I was in that meeting.'

It was clearly a joke.

'May 20th,'

said to me just before Mass in relation to Ellie's posterior,

"nice bum."

He said that?

Yes, she bent over to pick up a hymn book.

Nigel and I couldn't help noticing her bum.

She's got a nice bum. I'm sorry for observing it.

All these other remarks are innocent and are being twisted.

Ask any one you like - everyone knows that there's been nothing

going on between Ellie and me.

Aye, he's wanted to shag her for years. Good on him.

She's as fit as a butcher's window.

BONGO GROWLS

I think he said he had a wank about her once.

Or I said it.

One of us said it.

I won't write that down.

Good. I don't want to make things worse for him.

I will report back to the Registrar and The Bishop.

And there will a hearing in due course.

Robert, can I ask, meanwhile, that you don't mention this to Alex.

I just want this to blow over without her ever knowing.

BABY WAILS ON BABY MONITOR

All he did was shag the headmistress in her office, once,

and because of that, they've suspended him.

Colin, is this true?

Don't tell anyone. No-one else knows. Except you and me

and this bloke I told in the pub.

So who is taking the service then?

I don't want anyone young.

DOORS OPEN

CROWD CLAMOURS FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

OK, I'm just off to church to do Mass.

ALEX: 'OK. You're late. Sure you don't mind me missing it?'

-No, no. You're fine. OK, bye.

-'Bye!'

Yes, yes, I'm on it, I'm walking in right now.

I'm sorry I'm late. As many of you by now will know,

Father Adam is currently suspended due to an ongoing

investigation that we hope to resolve as quickly as possible.

And by we, we mean I.

We have been unable to find a parish priest to take these

services in the interim

so I will be your temporary priest until such time as Adam returns,

or a permanent temporary replacement is found.

Now, Yotam Ottolenghi very sweetly is going to show me how to cook with

a clay pot at 12...so I'm going to zip through this if that's all right.

My style is a little more dynamic than Adam's.

The Lord be with you.

I've started. The Lord be with you.

-CROWD MUMBLES UNENTHUSIASTICALLY:

-And also with you.

Almighty God, under whom all hearts be opened

and all desires known, cleanse the thoughts of your hearts with

the inspiration of your Holy Spirit that we may perfectly love you

and worthily magnify your holy name through Christ our Lord...

..amen.

'Typical bloody fucking stupid church madness.'

'Oh, that's better.

'This whole investigation process is ridiculous.

'It'll be OK, won't it, Lord?'

'Yeah, it'll be fine.'

'No, I'll be fine.'

Packet of ten please, Lisa.

Off to have sex, are you?

-I'm sorry?

-Nuffin'.

No, I'm sorry. Why would you say that?

Just saying what it says.

What? What what says?

Dirty bugger.

VAN HORN BEEPS

Go on, my son. Give her one, Vic!

THEY LAUGH

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Ellie.

Thanks a lot, Adam.

-What?

-'Well, thanks to your newspaper report,'

I'm getting hauled in by the Governors tomorrow

for an official reprimand. Who did you tell?

No-one. I didn't tell anyone.

Well, someone did. And if it wasn't me, it must've been you.

Wasn't. I didn't.

This will sit on my file for five years.

There goes my whole career plan.

Why does everything you touch turn to shit?

People are saying you kissed her.

I'm sorry about all this, Adoha. It's a nightmare.

It's a tiny thing that's got blown out of all proportion.

So, did you kiss her?

Well... No, look, it's a complicated situation.

The investigation process is ridiculous.

So you did?

Well, I'm not really allowed to talk about it.

People are saying you did.

-SLOWLY:

-Did you kiss her?

Yes...and no.

Yes?

Yes. Yes. Mainly yep.

But also no, because it was a mistake.

But I did also enjoy it.

So maybe I do deserve to be suspended? Who knows?

The Bishop will decide. He's the expert on judging kisses.

You disgust me.

I know.

MOBILE PHONE BEEPS

What a situation I'm in.

LAUGHTER FROM OUTSIDE

CANS RATTLE OUTSIDE

Oi! Perv!

KATIE CRIES

Got any spare change please, mate?

You got any spare change, please? I'm starving.

Please. Just a little bit of change.

Sorry.

It's only sheer bad luck that I'm sat here and you're not. C'mon...

Watch it, mate, I've got mace.

Hang on. Ain't you a mate of that filthy vicar?

-Nah.

-Yeah, you are.

I ain't giving no money to no filthy vicar's mate.

I hate the twat. I don't know him.

-Yes, you do.

-No, I don't.

How many times do I have to tell ya I don't know him?

ALARM BLARES

Fucking burglar alarm!

Get it fixed, you massive cock.

Quick, quick, before she gets home.

What are you doing?

Oh, hi, Alex. Hi.

Some arsehole's graffitied the house.

It's outrageous. Who'd do that?

I know! It happens to priests.

Adam, I know what happened.

The newspaper report is nonsense, Alex.

-You know what happened with Ellie. I told you.

-I know.

It's not what they suggest. You know that.

I know. Don't worry. Are you OK?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.

I just want to get this off.

And now I'm going to go and take the big cross to Father Winters

cos he's been waiting for it.

Adam, don't do that now. Come and talk to me.

No, no, I'm fine, I'm fine. No need. Don't worry.

You go and check on Katie. Let me do this.

I must do this. You go in and check on her.

Adam, don't do it now.

He needs it for Easter.

Adam!

Don't worry.

I won't be long.

Back later.

He's having a very tough time.

He said he was going out for a couple of hours,

but that was 8:00 and he's still not back.

MUFFLED LOUD MUSIC PLAYS

INCOHERENT SHOUTING

SHOUTING

HE GRUNTS

'Why does everything you touch turn to shit?'

'Talk to me, Adam.'

-Do you need some help?

-No, I'm fine.

METAL SCRAPES LOUDLY

'You disgust me.'

# Dance, dance, wherever you may be

# "I am the Lord of the Dance," said he

# And I lead you all, wherever you may be

# "And I lead you all in the dance," said he

# I danced with the scribes and the Pharisees

# They would not dance, they would not follow me

# So I danced for the fisherman, for James and John

# They came with me so the dance went on

# Dance, dance, wherever you may be

# "I am the Lord of the Dance," said he

MAN JOINS IN: # And I lead you all, wherever you may be

# "And I lead you all in the dance," said he

# Dance, dance, wherever you may be

# "I am the Lord of the Dance," said he

# And I lead you all, wherever you may be

# "And I lead you all in the dance," says he. #

Hello. I like your dancing.

Yeah. Thanks.

You're in a good mood, then.

Not really.

Oh.

Why's that, then?

I'm trying to keep something alive but I don't think I can do it.

Aha.

Aye, you know, I've learned a few things over the years.

Oh, yes?

You can't...you can't make an omelette without cracking some eggs.

Right, thanks.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I see.

We are what we eat.

Yep.

You buy cheap, you buy twice.

The open hand has the strongest grip.

It's OK, you can stop now.

Never parachute into an area you've just bombed.

Well, that's a good one.

Adam, Adam.

We all have our crosses to bear.

Yes. Yes, we do.

(I understand, Adam.)

I'll always be here.

HE CHUCKLES SOFTLY

SEAGULLS WAIL OVERHEAD

Adam? Where've you been?

Hi. Don't worry. I'm here.

I've been up all night, I called the police.

Sorry, no need. I'm fine.

What's happened to your head?

Doesn't matter, really. I've got to go and see the Bishop now.

Mustn't be late.

Adam, you can't just go again!

Alex, I just met God.

Ah.

Sit down, please.

Sorry, forgive my manner, I have a splitting headache today.

I might have an aspirin.

Oh?

Would you like a rusk?

Or some of this?

I can't find my aspirin.

Why not?

Thank you.

Are you all right?

I'm all right, yes.

Well, Archdeacon Robert has done a very full and clear report.

I'm sorry it's taken so long but you'll be happy to hear

that in my judgment, this complaint is unfounded.

There clearly was an incident

but I don't believe it was indicative of a deeper relationship.

So, no further need for any disciplinary action.

Innocent.

If you say I am.

Oh, I'm sorry.

This whole, inadequate process has put you under a terrible strain.

-Thank you.

-Do you need some counselling?

-We can organise that.

-No.

I want to go.

Go where?

I want to leave St Saviour's.

You mean you want to resign?

Yes. I'm resigning.

If you resign, I can't save St Saviour's for you, you know that?

I want to go.

Let me go.

Ite in pacem.

Thank you.

HAMMERING AND DRILLING

DOORS CREAKING

DOORS SLAM SHUT

KNOCKS ON DOOR