Episode 6 Rev.

-You kissed Ellie?

-You dirty bugger!

We've had a formal letter of complaint about your conduct.

Withdraw it, Nigel. That's what you should do.

You disgust me.

I know.

Why does everything you touch turn to shit?

So, what do you think this church is worth, then?

Ow, hang on, erm...

-It's £6,240,000.

-Yep.

I'm resigning.

If you resign - I can't save St Saviour's for you - you know that?

This programme contains some strong language

# I couldn't hear nobody pray

# I couldn't hear nobody pray

# On the mountain

# I couldn't hear nobody pray

# In the valley

# I couldn't hear nobody pray. #

-RADIO:

-It's 7.30 on a beautiful spring morning...

-Ooh. Hello, chef.

-Good morning.

It's a bit early for fairy cakes.

Well, she's asleep. I woke up early.

What are you going to do today?

Well, I can do anything I want.

So, I thought I was going to take Katie to the city farm at lunchtime.

And then I'm going to go and test drive a Maserati.

Ah. Well, before the car, could you fix the bathroom cabinet,

do some hoovering and pick up some more wet wipes?

Will do. Cakes. Wipes. Hoovering. Sports car.

And, on Sunday, for the first time in 15 years,

I have absolutely nothing to do.

Ah, we could do something together as a family.

Yes, and we can go on holiday, I thought.

Corsica, some time.

Yeah. Or Cornwall.

And, I was thinking, I'm going

to apply to some management consultancies, for a new job.

-Oh...

-I want to get a decent salary so we can get a proper mortgage

so we can go and live somewhere we want to live, for once.

No church - no more vicarage. Goodbye, annoyingly small kitchen.

Fuck off, poo-coloured wallpaper.

-Will we miss it? No, we won't.

-No, we won't!

THEY CHUCKLE

You really want to be a management consultant?

Yes. Yes, I think so.

Being a vicar has given me a lot of inter-personal management skills

that are really valuable in the commercial market.

The Church has not de-skilled me, Alex. Quite the contrary.

No. Right. Good.

OK, good luck.

-Have a good day.

-And you.

BABY GURGLES

We're going to have such a good day today, you and me.

Yes, we are. You're in your pants.

And so am I.

MUSIC: "Walking On Sunshine" by Katrina And The Waves

# Cos I just can't wait till you write me you're comin' around

# I'm walking on sunshine

# Whoa

# I'm walking on sunshine

# Whoa

# And don't it feel good

# Hey all right now

# And don't it feel good

# Hey all right now

# I say it, I say it, I say it again now... #

BABY CRIES

You didn't need to get dressed on my account.

No, it's fine. I didn't realise the time.

Sorry about the mess.

Are you having a breakdown?

No, no.

Thanks so much for agreeing to do this.

I'm a strong candidate for this job, but your reference could really make the difference...

And you're certain you don't want to consider applying for another parish?

No.

-Or a job as a chaplain?

-No. Hospital chaplain?

-Prison chaplain?

They pay a lot better than being a parish priest.

No, I've considered all of this, but the Church doesn't value me.

So, no.

Airport chaplain?

No. OK.

Then, for this reference, I will need your help in ascertaining

why it is you think you have the skills

-for a senior position at KPMG.

-Why?

Because as a parish priest for the last 15 years

I have been managing people, running projects,

raising tens of thousands of pounds every year...

Yes. Let's pick through this in detail, shall we?

How many people were you responsible for on your last team?

Um. Well, there was Nigel.

Nigel. Yes.

Anybody else in your cockpit?

No.

So, one person under you.

One.

What evidence is there from your career of management skills?

I'm a governor at the school.

Yes. I can put "primary school governor".

Yep. And...

as you know I had to get a faculty permission to have

a number of the pews removed.

So, I had to deal with English Heritage.

HE CHUCKLES

Don't put that.

What about when you got those new hymn books?

Shall I mention that?

No.

Look.

I believe you have been...no, you ARE a very good priest, Adam.

But you have no commercial skills or experience whatsoever.

That's not true. My friend Martin works at Deloittes.

They need a HR Process Improvement Consultant.

He thinks I've got all the skills.

Well, clearly you don't need my help, then.

But there is something I want to say to you before I go...

something that I've been meaning to say for quite some time...

Yes...?

The coffee you make is disgusting.

It is utterly unforgivable,

undrinkable muck that would be palmed off by starving orphans.

Your coffee alone is reason for me

to believe that you will never be employed anywhere...

beyond the Church.

Oh, get over yourself!

You have eight weeks to find yourself a job -

because, no church - no vicarage.

I know. I will.

Good luck.

You going to buy that or not?

Er, no.

No, I should probably go home and start my book.

The one I'm reading. Not the one I'm going to write.

Maybe I will buy a magazine?

If you're just going to hang around in here,

-do me a favour - man the till.

-Sorry?

Man the till for me. I've got to go and sign on.

I'll be back in ten.

OK.

And don't nick anything. I know you.

Don't be long though, cos I've got to prepare for my interview tomorrow.

If you want to work here tomorrow, I'll give you 5.50 an hour.

5.50?

Almost the minimum wage.

Oh...

TILL BEEPS

I can do Thursdays in Frankfurt or Friday in London,

whichever you prefer.

Great, I'll get Sigrid to set that up. Thanks.

Adam Smallbone?

My name's Charlotte Hinton. I work for the government.

Which part of the government do you work for?

For some friends across the river.

We're very interested in what you've been up to in the last five years.

Would you like to help your country?

I can't be a spy. I'm an expert on European banking.

Who am I going to spy on? The French? The Dutch?

Today's friends are tomorrow's enemies.

You know I'm still ordained?

It's the perfect cover.

'Can I have a Curly Wurly, please?'

Hey. Curly Wurly.

That's 29p, please.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Oh, hello, yes.

I see, I see.

Well, I'm sorry I wasn't right for the job on this occasion.

No, well, do let me know if anything else turns up.

Thank you. Thank you. Bye.

Oh, it's you, the worst vicar in the world.

Don't say that, Colin. How are you?

What do you care? Since you decided to close the church...

-ruin my life.

-Actually, that wasn't my decision... I quit, yes...

You're the worst thing to have ever happened to the Church, you, do you know that?

You know how it goes, it goes... worst things...

it goes - killing Christians with a lion like the Romans did.

It goes the Spanish Inquisition.

It goes Catholic priests abusing deaf children for money!

And then it goes - you! What you did!

I know you think I let you down.

Oh, no, don't bother me, mate.

And I'm not the one who has to live with yourself like you do.

I need some baccy.

Colin, don't steal that, please.

And that lighter she sold me doesn't work.

Don't take that. Colin.

C'mon, Bongo. Hey, look, chocolate.

You like chocolate, don't you, Bongo?

Colin, you can't give a dog all that chocolate!

Come on, Bongo.

CHURCH BELLS RING IN DISTANCE

Isn't this lovely? Our first normal Sunday together.

Oh, you mentioned Corsica. Look at this place...

Maybe we should book it? Have a long weekend?

Oh, look at that, Katie, it's the Palm Sunday parade.

THEY SING HYMNS

There's Adoha.

-It's like a sign.

-Yeah.

Thank God I never have to do that again.

HE CHUCKLES

Oh, you do?

Great. Yes, I'd love to come to an interview at Danko.

When? I certainly can be. Yes. See you then.

Er, look forward to it. Bye!

THEY LAUGH

Thank you!

SIGHS CONTENTEDLY

Just the Twix?

Please.

65 pence, please.

-Have you got anything smaller?

-Sorry.

That's £9.30 in change.

I'm due £9.35...back.

I haven't got that. No 5ps.

-Can you give me £9.40?

-No, I can't. I'm not allowed to.

"Not allowed to"?

You work here now, do you?

No.

Just part-time.

I've got an interview tomorrow at Danko.

The management consultancy.

Need shopkeepers, do they?

Happy to let that 5p go.

Well, that's very big of you.

Good luck with your new career.

Let's hope you don't let them all down, too.

Hey, Nigel. Hey!

I just want to point out to you that you destroyed the thing you love.

You destroyed it. That church. You did. Not me!

And that pitiful stuff you say about Cherry - it's pathetic!

You don't even have the courage to admit to yourself who you are.

So don't come in my shop and get snotty with me, mate!

OK? Fuck off!

FUCK OFF!

And as a result, we've become an important provision provider

to several major international digital companies.

As you know, this position comes with a 65k salary and car.

But, you also get a Danko laptop, Blackberry and pension...

VOICE FADES: Your responsibilities will primarily be in

the human resources' domain with the potential to expand

to the IT sector...

..with a view to potentially expand to a management programme

lasting five years.

One more question, do you have any thoughts

about how Team Danko could best expand

our global interoperability platforms?

Um, I said, do you have any thought about how Team Danko could best

expand our global interoperability platforms?

HE SIGHS

DOOR CLOSES

Adam?

Adam?

Adam?

Adam? What are you doing?

Hi. Gardening.

It's seven o'clock at night.

I know, but Katie's sleeping so I thought I'd get these potatoes in.

We're only here for a few more weeks then we're going to stay with my dad.

Well, I said I'd do them and I've been meaning to do them for months.

So, I'm bloody well going to get them in.

And I've done radishes and leeks too,

so the next person can enjoy them.

Why don't we all go in and have supper together?

Yes. Let me just get the carrots done before they dry out.

HE GRUNTS

SIRENS WAIL IN DISTANCE

-Are you OK?

-Fine.

What are you going to do today?

Look after Katie. Do some more job applications.

-I won't be back late today, all right?

-OK.

DOORBELL RINGS

Adam!

Are you in there?

Adam! I need your help!

Adam!

DOG WHINES

Scum.

DOG WHINES

SCORE RUMBLES

SCORE RUMBLES

HE EXHALES LOUDLY

BABY CRIES

Hey, hey, little girl. It's all right. It's all right.

Where's your daddy, hey?

Oh. Shall we go and find him?

Adam?

I'm sorry, Alex.

BABY CRIES

I'm so sorry.

DOORBELL RINGS

Colin? What's the matter?

Bongo's died. My doggie...

I gave her a kebab, and it killed her.

That fucking Greek killed her!

She's gone.

She's gone.

I'm sorry, Colin.

Is Adam in? I want him to bury her.

I want a proper funeral.

He's in bed.

Get him up.

I can't, Colin.

HE SNIFFLES

Will you do a Bongo funeral for me, Mrs Vicarage?

You're a good person, aren't you?

HE SOBS

Will you say some nice things about her now?

I didn't know her, Colin.

Just make summat up. That's all Adam does.

She was very loyal to you.

And she had a lovely...

tail.

And a nice wet nose.

Shall we say the Lord's prayer together?

Yeah, yeah, all right.

BOTH: Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name,

thy Kingdom come, thy will be done...

HER THOUGHTS: Dear Lord, I know we don't speak very often,

but I'm worried about Adam.

I know I'm always complaining about being married to a vicar,

but I don't really mean it - you know that, don't you?

I'd much rather be married to a happy vicar than a man who can't get out of bed.

Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

It's terrible, what's happened to St Saviour's.

But it's not my fault, Lord, it's Adam's.

What he did with Ellie was a sin.

I was right to report it.

Look at all these ridiculous men.

Look at this man here, what does he think he's doing?

There's no way I'm going to meet up with any of these men.

Look, here's another ridiculous gay man -

that gingham shirt is horrible.

What was he thinking when he chose it?

Which church shall I go to for Easter?

I don't want to go to another church.

Dear Lord, I know some people are scared of me

and find me cold and aloof.

Why?

When I try to lead a life full of the heavenly virtues.

I have great faith, I'm full of hope, charity,

and I have some wisdom and humility.

Yes, I'm very good at humility.

I don't know anyone who does humility as well as me.

I tried to help Adam, but he failed to help himself.

I did everything I could, didn't I, Lord?

Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.

God Bless Mum, wherever she is.

And lovely madcap Mandy.

The only woman I ever loved.

I hope she's safe and happy and not back on the game.

And God bless Adam and his family.

Even though he's a twat and has left me.

And God bless Bongo in heaven.

Will you look after her?

Blessed are the pure in heart...

..for they will see God.

He's not ill. He's not mad.

He's broken his own heart, when he shut your church.

But it's me who's got to do something now, isn't it, Lord?

DOOR KNOCKS

Yeah.

I've come to say two things.

One - I forgive you for what happened with Adam.

But there's something more important I want to talk to you about.

BELL RINGS

Come on, Adam, wake up. Get up.

I've had enough of this.

-Huh?

-You're coming with me. Come on.

-It's five in the morning.

Come on, get up!

We all wanted you to do a last Easter service.

Before it's all gone for ever.

A final goodbye.

-You shouldn't have done that.

-Sit with me here. Please.

I didn't do this for you. I did it for them.

Why do you think they're all here?

Please.

Do you remember 18 years ago when we first met?

When you took me on the worst first date any woman's ever been on.

SHE CHUCKLES

You took me to a night shelter to help you feed leftover lasagne

to the homeless.

And you ended up having an argument

with a man from the council about the best way to help people there.

Seeing that grace and anger in you that night...

I loved you for that, Adam Smallbone.

And that's what makes you a priest.

They believe in you.

And looking after them - that crowd of lost, hopeless, annoying people...

..it's who you are. So, come on...

..it's Easter morning.

Do this for them. Before we all go our separate ways.

I'm not their priest any more.

You are. You gave up being a priest for Lent.

Well done. I don't blame you.

But now we need you back.

And can we, please, finally christen Katie?

It's ridiculous you haven't done that yet.

THEY CHUCKLE

Come on, then.

SHE CHUCKLES

Come on.

BIRDS CRY

On this most holy night, in which our Lord Jesus Christ passed over

from death to life, we gather in vigil and prayer.

This is our final service together.

Alleluia, Christ is Risen!

ALL: HE IS RISEN INDEED. ALLELUIA.

BOLLOCKS HE HAS!

If he has risen it's because you've woken him up, shouting rubbish!

This is our Easter vigil.

It's six o'clock in the morning on a Sunday morning!

If you want to do your mad religious things,

-go and do it somewhere else!

-Do you want me to do him, Vicarage?

No, Colin.

So selfish.

Let's go inside.

BANGING

-HIS THOUGHTS:

-Dear Lord, I seem to be back in a cassock again.

You won't let me go, apparently.

Is this what resurrection is?

-HE CHANTS:

-Exsultet iam angelica turba caelorum.

THE EXSULTET CONTINUES UNDER ADAM'S PRAYER

Here I am, surrounded by the people who believe in me.

I'm going to miss them all, Lord.

For everything there is a season

and a time for every matter under heaven.

I am leaving here.

But not just yet.

Haec aula resultet.

Katie Sophie Isobel, I baptise you in the Name of the Father,

and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

-Amen.

-ALL: Amen!

BABY CRIES

-Well done!

-Wasn't that horrible?

QUIET LAUGHTER

BABY SCREAMS