Episode 1 Shooting Stars

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the celebrity show-biz quiz...

'Here are your hosts, Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer.'

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

# It's wall-to-wall fanny at the disco tonight

# Gandalf arrives and he's looking for a wife

# Sprinkles space dust on the dance floor, blows on his love trombone

# When a bouncer taps him on the shoulder and says

# Time that you went home

BOTH: # A million discos later

# Gandalf's still alone

# Yeah

# So come along and let's start Shooting Stars. #

Yeah!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Introducing James "the Yorkshire pudding" Martin!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Graeme "his ghost could be in YOUR attic" Hawley!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Departing from platform six, oh, mind the gap,

-it's Ulrika-ka-ka-ka-ka!

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

The Jack Dee Fat Dog Training Club.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Ross "the hunchback" Noble!

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

And, finally, Dennis...

-Sorry, Brigitte Nielsen!

-LAUGHTER

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Can I have a kiss?

Thank you.

It's Tights Night! Tights Night tonight!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

-Welcome to Shooting...

-WHIRRING

Once again, Vic, I have to stop the introduction

because you are fannying around with something!

Well, excuse me for living!

But if you could find the time just to drill a hole

in the back of me head, please!

-It would be a pleasure.

-Thank you.

WHIRRING

That's it. Right there. Oh, yeah.

Aargh! Oh!

Cut it out! Thank you.

-BRIGITTE: Oh, my God.

-Enjoy your hole.

Thank you.

-Are you finished now?

-Yes.

-Relax. I'll get on with the show.

-Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

-SUCKING

LAUGHTER

Vic, could you finish that for us?

SLURPING

BELCHES

BRIGITTE: That's gross.

That's it. I've finished.

As I was saying, good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome, team A. Welcome, team B. There isn't a show without him.

He's in the studio.

He's coming towards yer. It's Angelos Epithemiou.

MUSIC: Apache by Michael Viner's Incredible Bongo Band

CHEERS AND WHISTLES

-That's all over, then?

-I'm a rapper now.

I've got into that, the rapping game.

-Enjoying it?

-Yeah, it's wicked.

On the up side, I can sing and express myself.

-Any down sides to it?

-Yeah. You gotta dress like a Scouser.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Big shout out for the whole crew!

-James Martin.

-Yes.

-It's a guess.

But I reckon you've probably got a hairy arse.

BRIGITTE: God! You guys are crazy!

That's terrible! You don't talk about butt hair with a chef!

-Well...

-Oh, my God! That's scary!

I was gonna ask whether it was like A, B or C.

Just so I can imagine it properly in me mind.

Would you say you were A, B or C?

LAUGHS Probably, out of the three, B.

-You're a B man? Ideal for a chef. Wouldn't you say, Ross?

-I would.

Isn't it time to move on or something?

Is it true that you have a night club called Yorkshire Puddings where you only let fat lasses in?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-Yes. It is true.

-It is true?

-It is true.

Well, all the best with that club. I'll give you a question, James.

It's a special treat for you, cos your question's gonna be delivered

by a very good friend of the show, Archie Andrews - here's Archie.

Archie's gonna bring you a little envelope.

The subject of the question is contained in the envelope.

HARP GLISSANDO

There's the little envelope, James.

Look inside the envelope.

The question is simply, what is that?

LAUGHTER

-What is it?

-LAUGHS

What is it?

-It's a rabbit dropping.

-It looks like a rabbit dropping.

I told you, Bob. You should go to the doctor's and get it sorted out.

-Graeme.

-Yes.

-Graeme Hawley. John Stape from Coronation Street.

-That's true.

-I've done a drawing of what I imagine you look like...

BRIGITTE: Oh, no!

..digging a hole to bury another victim.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Is that you, would you say?

-Well, topically,

I've probably got a hairier arse, but everything else is good.

That's how I imagine you when I think of you. With a bit of that.

FANFARE

Am I anywhere near the truth?

He plays a lot better than that.

-You're frighteningly near the truth.

-A morning trumpet.

Graeme, I'm going to offer you a question.

Who is Sir Bottingdon Sodworthy?

-Can I confer?

-No.

You can confer with Angelos, if you think that'll get you anywhere!

Any... Any ideas?

No.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Any ideas, Graeme?

-Is it the Mayor of Ramsbottom?

-No.

-He's Choddington Sodworthy's father.

-LAUGHTER

Miles out.

Everyone all right for drinks?

Everyone OK for drinks?

What you offering?

Ouzo.

-Everyone all right?

-Yes, thank you.

-Where'd you get it?

-Never you mind, Jack.

Perfectly legitimate stuff.

Got it out your house.

-I know YOU like a drink.

-LAUGHTER

-Ross Noble.

-Hello.

-Do you guarantee, if I can beat your price you'll refund the difference?

-Yes.

-You were living in Australia?

-Yes.

-You abandoned it because of...?

My house burnt down. Thanks for bringing it up in a comedy set(!)

-CHUCKLING:

-Did you lose everything?

I did. Yes. LAUGHTER

-I didn't know.

-"It's hilarious!" LAUGHTER

-I have a question.

-OK.

-Your question is...

KLAXON

That klaxon simply means that this question will be asked by Angelos.

-Here we go, Ross. How you doing?

-Very well.

OK. Um... Right... Just get it out the way.

Who is taller?

Terry

or Lazy Barry?

LAUGHTER

Is Lazy Barry sitting down?

Standing up. It's not a trick question, Ross. I wouldn't do that to you.

I'm gonna go Terry.

-Who?

-Terry.

Ah! It's a shame! It's not Terry. It's Lazy Barry.

I thought your tallest friend was Daft Ron.

No. He's lost a few inches.

-What do you mean?

-Heroin.

-Who knew?

-You lose a lot of your friends through heroin addiction.

Yes, I do. Yes.

But I remain chipper. Yeah.

-You do. You do.

-I do!

-Brigitte.

-Yes.

-Brigitte.

-You're so amazing.

-Eh? I'm sorry?

I'm sorry?

I said you're so amazing.

I thought that's what you said.

So cute. Very cute.

-Brigitte.

-Tell me, darling.

-Brigitte.

-Oh, God! What's the...tights?

Oooh!

Oh, my God!

Wow!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Argh! Argh! Oh!

-Brigitte. Come back, Brigitte.

-OK. I'm just kidding.

Now we're going out with each other, you'll be moving in with me.

I must say it's just...

..temporary accommodation. You can move into the garage with me.

We'll be sleeping under Eggy John's van.

That is terrible.

Now we're going out and moving into the garage,

how about we have a photograph together to put on the gas meter?

Oh, my God! That's so tacky! Why not?

-Bob, take a picture of us.

-Is this for the boiler room?

-Are you going to do something weird?

-No.

-What are you going to do?

-Nothing.

Take your glasses off.

SCREAMS

It's Eggy John.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's just Eggy John.

-He had slimy hands!

-You'll grow to love life with me and Eggy John.

Thank you for inviting me. You're so romantic.

Oh, God!

-Brigitte, we'll sort this out later on.

-That's creepy.

-I should ask you a question really.

-You'd better!

Brigitte, if you slit open a zebra,

how many people usually climb out and run off?

LAUGHTER Oh, God! I don't know.

-Usually.

-I've never tried. One and a half.

Well, I'm gonna give you it cos it's always two. Always a boy and a girl.

-Always nicely turned out and quite polite.

-Really?

-That's the end of that round.

-It is. Yeah.

Let's find out, what are the scores, Angelos?

MUSIC: Drop The Pressure, Jack Beats Rinsed Out Rave mix

BRIGITTE: That's awesome! That is so much fun.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Getting carried away, innit?

Thank you, Angelos. What are the scores?

Jack's got one. Ulrika's got one.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-Shall we get James to do the advert for our savoury paste?

-Why not?

James, I just wondered if you'd help us.

We've got a new savoury paste in our range.

We wondered if you'd help us with an endorsement of our savoury spread.

-We just squeeze it out of sea birds.

-Yeah! We put it straight in the box.

James, all you have to do,

when you feel Vic push on your shoulders,

give a surprised look to the camera.

-Are you ready?

-I'm ready.

-We're all ready. Let's go.

-JINGLE

-# Do-do-do-do-do-do

# Easy to apply, so easy on the eye. #

LAUGHTER

-Got it.

-Thank you, James.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Next, the clips round. I'd like both teams to look at the clip on the monitors.

The question follows.

-So, how can I help you, Elton?

-Well, you know,

we're so happy with little...Zachary.

-He's an absolute joy.

-Yes, we adore him.

Thank you, David. I'll do the talking. As I was saying...

We're very happy with young...Xanadu, but what we want...

..is a little playmate for him.

-D'you mind? Who's Mum here?

-You are.

-"You are, Elton."

-You are, Elton.

-Thank you.

We only have one child available - Michael. Would you like to meet him?

BOTH: Oh, yes, please.

Michael!

-What do you want?

-Michael, this is Elton and David.

-They'd like to be your mew mum and dad.

-My new mum and dad?

-INCOMPREHENSIBLE:

-..right pair of gits. You come in here...

..take your 'king head off! Understand what I'm saying now?

-..I'll take your ear off!

-COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

Would you like to take him? BOTH: Yes, please.

Come on, Elton. Let's flesh bond.

APPLAUSE

Elton John and David Furnish at the adoption agency.

Team A first, have a look on the monitor.

You'll see a baby made up of the faces of its two celebrity fathers.

Tell me who those two fathers are.

-Who is it?

-Is it Nick Clegg and Dave Cameron?

No.

-Team B?

-Is it Ant and Dec?

Let's find out.

It's Ant and Dec! James Martin!

James "the man" Martin!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

That's the end of the clips round. What are the scores, Angelos?

Nice one. Jack's got one. Ulrika's got two!

Vic.

-Oh!

-Stop it!

-What the hell is that thing doing here again?

-Stop shouting! You know how under confident he is.

-I hate it.

-I hate that duck.

-Stop it! It's a buzzard.

I want you to apologise to Philip for the way you've treated him.

I want him to start recovering.

I'm sorry that I told everyone

that your duck is an idiot.

Vic, apologise properly. It's important to me and to Philip.

-Just say, Philip...

-Philip...

-I'm really sorry I upset you.

-I'm really sorry I upset you.

-I hope you get your confidence back.

-I hope you get your confidence back.

-It wasn't that hard, was it?

-Stupid penguin!

-Eh!

BRIGITTE: That's not a penguin!

-All right, Philip?

-Does he want a bit of milkshake?

Would you like a bit of milkshake, Philip? He said he'd love some.

Yeah?

LAUGHTER

BRIGITTE: Oh, my God! No! That's terrible!

-That's what I think of him.

-APPLAUSE

-He's back to square one now.

-Has he lost his confidence again?

His confidence is shot to pieces.

What do you think, with that blinking milkshake on his head?

I hope you feel bad about that.

-GLASS SMASHES

-What have you done now?

-That was his nerves shattering!

-LAUGHTER

-Oh!

-I just don't like ducks.

SCREAMS

For God's sake, Brigitte. Relax!

I thought you were that creepy guy.

It is.

-No, no.

-I think you're great.

Thank you, my love. Listen, although I've had a look at you...

-Yes.

-You're not my type.

OK.

That's fine. Ulrika's my girl. Even though she's on the turn.

-Let's rap together?

-What? Like presents?

No! Like the thing you were doing.

No.

LAUGHTER Fair enough.

Next is the Dove From Above round.

Help me beckon down that beautiful plump dove from above, and down she will surely come.

ALL: Cooo!

It's Tights Night!

-Pick a category, James, from the Dove From Above.

-Steel.

Good choice. It's the club singer question. Mr Reeves, who should be seated here,

will sing a song in club style, can you tell what song he's singing?

INCOMPREHENSIBLE

BRIGITTE: I know it!

James?

What was it, James?

-I have no idea.

-Really?

-Brigitte?

-Twist Again?

-No!

-I know what you mean.

-# ..Like you did last summer. #

-What song were you singing, Vic?

-I was singing Making Your Mind Up by Bucks Fizz.

-Ah!

Let's hear that song sung properly in the style of a flouncy Yorkshire steel worker!

APPLAUSE

# First you gotta roll it out

# Then you gotta flatten it down

# You get underneath put your head through the hole and look around

# Then you will find that it's time to

# Turn on the stop cock! #

CHEERS AND WHISTLES

Graeme, would you care to select a category from the dove?

I would like to have "wash", please.

Of course you can.

You'll enjoy this. This is Angelos's variety Palladium platform.

Take a look at this. The question follows.

SIMPLE MELODY ON ORGAN

Bleach.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Graeme, here's your question.

What does a dog become after it's six years old?

Um... A chicken?

No. The answer is, after it's six years old, a dog becomes...

-seven years old! Ha ha ha ha ha!

-CYMBAL CRASH

-He's here all week!

-APPLAUSE

Matinees all week. Don't forget blue Mondays!

Ha ha ha. I'm 'ere all week.

That's the end of the Dove From Above Round.

-What are the scores, Angelos?

-Jack's got two! Ulrika's got two!

Even Stevens. Two-all.

BRASS BAND PLAYS COMIC TUNE

PAN PIPES PLAY THEME FROM "THIS MORNING"

BRASS BAND CONTINUES

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

BRIGITTE: That was good!

Next is the quickfire round, final round. Fingers on your buzzers.

When time's up, you'll hear this.

-Mashed potato.

-LAUGHTER

I can't wait.

On your buzzers.

True or false. Ann Widdecombe invented the Vajazzle.

BUZZER

-Jonsson.

-That's Jonsson.

-She did indeed.

-Did she? I wondered who was responsible.

Who would win in a fight between a radio-controlled sex falcon and a criminally insane hover lobster?

BUZZER The lobster.

The fights are always interrupted by a mega-ton gold-plated fire pigeon, so you're wrong.

True or false. A catflap and a cat's flaps are two entirely different things.

BELL Yes, they are entirely different.

-Of course they are.

-Where would you find trouser cress, in the front or back garden?

BUZZER Back garden.

It depends which is moister or facing south.

Mashed potato.

That's the end of the round! It's the end of the show.

-What are the final scores...

-BOTH: Angelos?

This week's winner is Ulrika!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

She's won on Tights Night!

Tonight's victorious captain, Ulrika, would you like to choose

a member of your team to take tonight's final challenge?

I'd like to pick James.

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-James, come and join me

to take tonight's final challenge.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

After you. James, the first thing I need to do is to ask you

to go behind the screen, take your trousers off and put on the special challenge coat.

I assure you it's completely discreet and will cover all your groinings areas.

See if you're comfortable with it.

-You're not joking, are you?

-No.

LAUGHTER

Yes, of course.

That's it.

LAUGHTER

There's big prizes on offer, James. It's going to be worth your while.

-I'm ready.

-He's ready! James!

If you'd like to come and join me around this side of the arena.

-LAUGHTER

-Position yourself next to me.

Now, James, this challenge is called Bombs Away.

You're playing the part of a bomber in the Second World War.

You'll be dropping your load into these tins.

Now, these tins represent key targets on the German mainland.

All you need to do to release the payload is say, "Bombs away!"

So, James, if you'd be willing to position yourself

over the first tin.

Try and sense where the centre of your axis is.

When you think you're over the target, shout, "Bombs away!"

-LAUGHTER

-It's looking good!

Bombs away.

-It went in!

-It did go in! We'll give that to you, James.

It doesn't matter if it bounces out.

You've won a Chubb lock!

For either door of your property.

Again, position yourself

over the second, smaller tin.

"Bombs away" when you feel you're correctly positioned.

-Pretty good.

-Bombs away.

CHEERING

Shall we move on? You could still win that colour television.

The big one is still on offer.

Position yourself over the Toast Topper.

Oh!

-Low bombing flight!

-So low!

So low!

-BRIGITTE: Stay like that!

-Are you ready, James?

This is what's known as a scatter bomb.

-Don't you dare!

-Of course not.

Just bombs away.

Bombs away.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

James, up you get. You successfully completed Bombs Away.

You win this marvellous colour television.

That's good night from Shooting Stars.

-Good night!

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

We took you, then, on a journey over the German mainland.

Unfortunately, he wasn't quite up to the task!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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