Episode 2 Shooting Stars


Episode 2

Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer host the comedy quiz. Captains Ulrika Jonsson and Jack Dee welcome guests Chris Packham, Tess Daly, Mark Benton and Alexa Chung.


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Transcript


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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the celebrity showbiz quiz, Shooting Stars.

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And here are your hosts for this evening,

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Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer.

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VIC AND BOB: # We're gonna tell you a secret tonight

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# Henry VIII was capable of flight

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# One night after sex He grew some wings

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# Flying round his bedroom pissing on things

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BOTH: # There he goes

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# Flying low

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# Flying slow

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# Smoking a pipe

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# Run for your life

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# Life!

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# Life!

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# Henry VIII was capable of flight

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# Henry VIII was ca-pa-ble of flight!

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# So come along and let's start Shooting Stars! #

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Plip, plop, piddle, drop - it's Alexa Chung!

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Chris "Mr Erotica" Packham!

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Miss Congestion Charge 2006, it's Ulrika-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka!

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The Jack Dee Sausages and Sunshine Kids' Dance Club!

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Mark "The Oaf" Benton!

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Tess she's once, twice, three times a Daly!

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Good evening. Welcome Team A, Team B.

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-We're acutely aware that there's no show without him, that's Angelos.

-Really.

-No show without him,

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but tonight he's asked me to give

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a great, big entrance for him,

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to build it up because he's got a very special performance tonight.

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-What's he going to do?

-I don't know, Vic.

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-He's got a special performance...

-What's he going to do?

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-I don't know, Vic. It's a surprise.

-Uh-huh.

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He says it's going to be blood-curdling.

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-A very special...

-I just want to know whether I should get my camera out.

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Well, it's probably the safest thing, Vic.

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-Have you got a camera?

-No.

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So, ladies and gentlemen, he's promised something spectacular.

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Something memorable.

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Please welcome onto this stage,

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Mr Angelos Epithemiou!

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# Hey! One man One goal

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# One mission

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# One heart One soul

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# Just one solution. #

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-So, Angelos.

-Hmm?

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What did you want the big entrance for? What was the big performance you promised?

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I can't remember.

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It's nice to see you anyway. What have you been up to?

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I've been out in that Ash... Ashtanishtan.

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Sorry?

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Ash... Ashashish... Ashtanishtan.

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Afghanistan. Afghanistan.

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Who? Afghanistan, that's it. I've been out there.

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I've been entertaining the troops,

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so I'm do my comedy and all that sort of carry on, really.

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-How did it go, Angelos?

-I struggled, I'll be honest with you.

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But I'm not surprised.

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My stuff was never going to go down well with the Taliban.

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LAUGHTER

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First round, first contestant - Mark.

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Lovely Mark Benton, ladies and gentlemen.

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What a treat, ladies and gentlemen.

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You'll probably know him from Early Doors, Booze Cruise, Land Girls

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and many other things, but what I wanted to ask you, Mark, first up,

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is what is the correct way to address you?

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Is it bulbous or rotund?

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Which do you... which do you prefer?

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I'd go with bulbous!

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Bulbous Benton!

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It's actually a bit of a sad story, Mark,

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but you once tried to commit suicide, didn't you?

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Well, that's really sad. I've got a big grin on my face.

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-I don't know why you're laughing.

-You tried to commit suicide

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and you jumped out of a 15-storey building

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and you just bounced back up on to the ledge!

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LAUGHTER

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Mark, first question is for you.

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True or false - half the money raised by Comic Relief

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goes to Jack Dee to spend on prostitutes.

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True or false?

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True.

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True, you say. Lets find out. Jack?

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What am I going to say?

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I'm not going to admit to it if it is true, am I?

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Of course it's false. That would be 35 million quid a year.

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I don't spend anything like that.

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Right, Chris, you like bats, don't you?

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I do. I have the privilege

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of being the president of the Bat Conservation Trust.

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I've got a lot of bats in my garden and I wondered

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if you might help me.

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How would I go about killing them?

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You could use a tennis bat or a cricket bat.

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-Is that the best way of doing it?

-It's the most entertaining, yeah.

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I've used nitro-glycerine,

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and to be honest, it ruined my garden.

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-I'll tell you what I use, Vic.

-What?

-Them Chinese stars.

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They come out at night and I go...

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I've got some nice otters at the river at the end of the garden

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and I was trying to get rid of them.

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So I watched Tarka the Otter and I used a spade on one of them,

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but I just caught a glance at it. It's one-eyed like that.

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It wanders round like that. It looks quite funny so I'll keep that one.

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Anyway, your question is, Chris -

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true or false - all ravens are Goths.

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-True.

-Is it true?

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-It is true, yeah.

-If he says so, Vic, it's true.

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-I'm giving him a point for that.

-Well done, Chris, thank you.

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Ulrika.

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-Lovely to see you...

-Ooh, look at that.

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That's a Ryvita passing through her small intestine.

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Ulrika, my angel, my sweet, sweet darling,

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have you got a penny, have you got a farthing

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to put in the meter of my heart?

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On your desire, my chances hang,

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will you and I ever get to bang?

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That's sweet. What's bang?

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What's a bang? I'll show you.

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No way, Angelos! You want a question, Ulrika?

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True or false -

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Cheryl Cole's music is not as entertaining as her divorce.

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True or false?

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It's true, it's not as entertaining as her divorce.

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It's false, Ulrika, sorry.

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They're both equally as haunting.

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-Sorry.

-Jack!

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With your face like an undiluted boff.

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With your face like a fudge magnet.

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Like an explosion...

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on a shit farm.

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Jack. Jack, my man, what's up?

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How can you criticise me when you turn up looking like that?

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You look like something that's crawled out of Cliff Richard's sponge bag.

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-Alexa Chung, thank you so much for coming.

-Hello.

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Looking beautiful over there.

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Alexa, do people, do fellas, hit on you all the time,

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like they used to with Ulrika before her accident?

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We've got a very special treat for you tonight. Something to get you in the mood for the...

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Ooh!

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Alexa, it's something a little bit special.

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His name's Archie Andrews, he's a friend of the show

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and he's got a little something

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just to get you in the mood.

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I'm going to have nightmares about this!

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Literally, this is a nightmare.

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It's like a small-scale nightmare.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Archie Andrews!

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What it was, Alexa,

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it's just a little explosion to get you in the mood,

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because everyone knows, Mark, that ladies like little explosions.

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Alexa, enough of that, let's give you a question.

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Have a look at your monitor, Alexa, and can you name the celebrity baby?

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Have look at the photo. Who is the celebrity baby?

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-It's a bonnie baby competition.

-OK, it's a beautiful baby.

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Is it you, Bob, as a baby?

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-Is that your answer, Alexa?

-Yeah, that's my answer.

-Let's find out.

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Mick Jagger.

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Unlucky, Alexa.

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Tess.

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Tess.

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Tess, ho-ho!

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# You're a lady!

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# Woah-oh-woah-oh-woah You're a lady!

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# Roast beef, carrots and gravy! And the lady is mine! #

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-Did you enjoy that, Tess?

-Maybe put a bit of Yorkshire pudding in there.

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I can do Yorkshire pudding for you and now we're going out with each other,

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Yorkshire pudding is yours.

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And look, I'm going to pump a lot of money into, I don't know,

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maybe getting you some nice dresses that are more your age.

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LAUGHTER

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Get rid of the syrup and get a nice punky hairdo.

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Anyway, Tess. True or false - Stephen Fry's so clever

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he doesn't need to wear 3D glasses when he watches a 3D film.

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True.

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It's false. He doesn't watch films, he just reads books.

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That's the end of the first round so, Angelos, what are the scores?

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DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

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MUSIC STOPS

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-That's a nice ring, Angelos.

-'Big shout out to the whole crew!'

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Angelos, are you still doing any campaigns?

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I was doing one - save the rainforest.

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But, you know, if the weather's going to be this good,

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they can keep chopping it down.

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-Jack's got five, Ulrika's got nothing.

-What?!

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The next round is the Clips round.

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-Give kindly, sir.

-Sorry?

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-Give kindly to the little boy, sir.

-Shut up.

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-Yes...

-Give kindly, sir.

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What? I'm not giving... One - I haven't got any change.

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And two - I don't want to. All right?

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-Yes...

-Give kindly, sir.

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Give kindly to the little boy, sir.

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All right, all right, Vic.

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-Give kindly, sir.

-There you are.

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How much did he put in, Peter?

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Dunno, it felt a bit light.

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-How much did you put in there?

-Two quid.

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-He says he put two pound in.

-Bollocks!

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It's more like two pence.

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-Mate, how old are you anyway?

-I'm 45. What's it got to do with you?

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-Yeah, what's it got to do with you, like?

-I'm only saying.

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Right. I'll see you later, Pete, round by the bins.

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See you, Vic.

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-See you.

-Yeah, I'll see you, Vic.

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-Yeah, see you, Pete.

-Yeah, see you, Vic.

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-Yeah, no, you go first.

-No, you go first.

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No, you go first.

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See you, Pete. Oh, he's gone.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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That's incredible!

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Next round is the Clips round.

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We're going to show both teams a clip. Watch very carefully because the question follows.

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It's about a 1970s Facebook.

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Hello? Hello?

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Hello, I'm Chris.

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I like fishing, smoking and kung fu.

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Hi, I'm Mike. I like kung fu and smoking.

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-Would you like to join my group?

-Yes.

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-Would you like to meet some other strangers?

-Yes.

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Hi. My name is Derek.

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I'm 15 years old and I like the Bay City Rollers.

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I think you want that group over there, Derek.

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Would you like to come to a private room and have a chat?

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-ROFL.

-LOL.

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That bloke wasn't 15.

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Haha. X.

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Haha. X. Got to go.

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Byeeeeeee.

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An early attempt there in the 1970s to get Facebook off the ground.

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I'll go to you first, Team B, and here's the question.

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Can you tell me,

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what is the average number of friends that each Facebook user has?

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The average number of friends that each Facebook user has.

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Alexa?

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567.

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-567?

-Yeah.

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-MARK: 500.

-500?

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-Mark, are you on Facebook?

-I am.

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Have you got a friend?

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I've got about three or four.

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-What are you going to say, Ulrika?

-500?

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-500.

-Yeah.

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How many do you think is the average number of friends on a Facebook?

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165.

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Oooh!

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The actual average number of friends that each Facebook user has is...

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130.

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Jack!

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He is the nearest.

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It's the new thing!

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Let's find out the scores, but more importantly,

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let's find out what's in Angelos's bag!

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# What's in your bag Angelos?

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-# Tell us what's in your bag

-You bastard

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# A pair of gloves and some marmalade

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# And a suicidal maid. #

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Nice bag.

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Poor cow.

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Scores, Angelos.

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Right, so, scores - Jack's got six,

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Ulrika's still got nothing, I'm afraid.

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Come on, Ulrika!

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The next round... What's that you're fiddling with?

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I've got a brand new thing - it's called the iPad.

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Yeah? I know the iPad.

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It's really cool.

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You're still buying stuff off that kangaroo.

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How many times do I have to tell you?

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It's not legitimate stuff. You didn't buy anything else, did you?

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-I haven't bought anything, that's all I bought.

-That's good.

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If you've learned your lesson, I'm happy. The next round...

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-Bob, can I take your picture?

-Yeah, go on then.

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-That's not going to work, is it?

-Why?

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Because it isn't turned on.

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Try to keep the camera still, like.

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-Is it a good one?

-I think it's one of your best, yeah.

-Nice one!

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Next round is the Dove round.

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Can we ask all of our guests to help us beckon down

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the beautiful, plump Dove From Above.

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Surely she will come. Coo!

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COOING

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Yeah, sexy bird.

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First choice goes to you, Chris.

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I'll take Ta-dah.

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-Ta-dah.

-Ta-dah.

-Right, well, Ta-dah.

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-Now then, that is Angelos's Variety Showcase.

-Nice.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Quick change.

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DRUM ROLL

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Quick change.

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DRUM ROLL

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Quick change.

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DRUM ROLL

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Quick change.

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CHA-CHA MUSIC PLAYS

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Ooh!

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Chris.

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-That was exciting, wasn't it?

-It was very exciting.

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Now, you may have noticed that he knocked

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a robin into a bowl of milk towards the end of that performance.

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I noticed that. Brilliant.

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For you, the question is,

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can you imitate the sweet, sweet song of the robin?

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It's quite tricky because it's a variable, melodic warble.

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Is it?

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HE WHISTLES

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HE WHISTLES BACK

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THEY WHISTLE BACK AND FORTH

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You dirty sod.

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How dare you. How dare you!

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-What did he say?

-I couldn't repeat it.

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-I want to know what he said though.

-It was filthy!

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-Well done, you get a point for that.

-Well done, Chris.

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APPLAUSE

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Mark, your turn to choose a category from the Dove From Above.

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-I would like Bond, please.

-Bond.

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Bond - it's a celebrity question. A question from a celebrity.

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This week it's Roger Moore. Take a look at your monitor

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and he's going to ask you the question.

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Hi, I'm Roger Moore.

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I done stuff like The Saint.

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I done stuff like Bond.

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My wife Kiki Moore does the cooking,

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but can you tell me,

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what is my wife Kiki's favourite dish?

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Roger Moore's wife, Kiki - what is her favourite dish?

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She's Swedish.

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Bierwurst.

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Bierwurst?

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-Big sausage.

-Big sausage.

-Yeah.

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A big German sausage.

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-That's your answer?

-Yeah.

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Let's find out.

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No, you're miles away. The answer is, of course,

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lamb passanda.

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How did you not get that?

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Lamb passanda!

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Tess, pick a category from the Dove.

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Do you know I think I'll have Jazz.

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-Jazz.

-That is a good choice because that's the club singer question.

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My colleague, Mr Reeves, who should be...

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CHEERING

0:22:320:22:35

Is going to sing a song in the club style.

0:22:350:22:37

Tess, you've got to guess what song it is he's singing. Off you go.

0:22:370:22:41

DRUM MACHINE/UNINTELLIGIBLE SINGING

0:22:410:22:44

Did you get it?

0:22:570:22:59

APPLAUSE

0:22:590:23:00

What song is he singing, Tess?

0:23:030:23:05

It was something by Tinie Tempah,

0:23:050:23:07

-but I can't remember the name of the song.

-Who?

0:23:070:23:10

-Tinie Tempah.

-No.

-Oh.

0:23:100:23:13

It was If You Leave Me Now, by Chicago.

0:23:130:23:15

If You Leave Me Now, by Chicago.

0:23:150:23:18

Let's hear that song sung properly

0:23:180:23:21

by a Lancashire bus conductor.

0:23:210:23:23

# If you leave me now You take away the very heart of me

0:23:270:23:33

# Oh hey-hey-hey-ho Baby please don't go

0:23:330:23:37

# You take away the very heart of me Ho-hoy!

0:23:370:23:40

# Wa-ha-ho-ho-hey Baby please don't go

0:23:400:23:45

# Don't go, don't go Don't go! #

0:23:450:23:49

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:490:23:50

Sung in the style of a Lancashire bus conductor.

0:23:580:24:02

I say - bloody good.

0:24:040:24:06

-Bloody marvellous.

-How bloody good was that?

0:24:060:24:09

-Bloody marvellous.

-Bloody good.

0:24:090:24:11

That's the end of the Dove round, so let's say farewell to the Dove

0:24:130:24:16

and say, what are the scores, Angelos?

0:24:160:24:19

Jack's got seven, Ulrika's got one.

0:24:190:24:21

Whoo!

0:24:210:24:23

We're getting there.

0:24:240:24:25

Wiping the board.

0:24:260:24:27

Alexa? Alexa! Hello, Alexa.

0:24:290:24:32

Yeah.

0:24:320:24:34

Did you call me last night?

0:24:340:24:36

I sent you that fax.

0:24:360:24:38

You sent me that fax. Well, can you please stop it, OK?

0:24:380:24:41

We had that one night and, you know, we both agreed, you was rubbish. OK?

0:24:410:24:45

You didn't know what you was doing.

0:24:470:24:50

Maybe it was nerves, we'll never know,

0:24:500:24:53

because it won't be happening again, OK?

0:24:530:24:55

Ulrika's my girl and although she's on the turn, she's gotten...

0:24:550:25:00

She has got... She's got a lot of experience.

0:25:020:25:06

She's been with thousands of blokes.

0:25:080:25:12

And that's the sort of woman I like.

0:25:120:25:13

Time for the Quick-fire round.

0:25:150:25:17

We don't know how much time we've got -

0:25:170:25:18

when the time's up, you'll hear this noise.

0:25:180:25:19

You got some balls saying that to me!

0:25:190:25:22

Fingers on the buzzers.

0:25:240:25:26

True or false - Charlie Sheen is now illegal in over 17 countries.

0:25:260:25:30

BUZZER

0:25:300:25:32

-That is Packham.

-It's true.

-It is true. Well done, Chris.

0:25:320:25:35

True or false - the Titanic was sunk by a huge iceberg lettuce.

0:25:350:25:40

BUZZER

0:25:400:25:42

-Jonsson.

-False.

-It's true.

0:25:420:25:44

Question - Who appointed Archbishop Tutu?

0:25:440:25:48

-BUZZER

-And that is Dee.

0:25:480:25:50

-Archbishop You-you.

-No. Pope One-one.

0:25:500:25:54

Name a sexy man.

0:25:550:25:57

-BUZZER

-Ulrika.

0:25:570:25:59

Sting.

0:25:590:26:00

No! It was Dickinson, of course.

0:26:000:26:03

You got some balls saying that to me!

0:26:030:26:05

That's the end of the Quick-fire round,

0:26:050:26:07

so what are the final scores, Angelos?

0:26:070:26:09

This week's winner is Jack!

0:26:090:26:11

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:26:110:26:13

Well done, Jack. Well done, Jack.

0:26:140:26:17

Jack, as the winning captain it falls to you to decide

0:26:190:26:22

which of your team-mates will take tonight's final challenge.

0:26:220:26:25

-Who's it going to be?

-Bob, I think it has to be Tess tonight.

-Ooh!

0:26:250:26:29

-Tess.

-Tess.

-Come and join me for tonight's final challenge.

0:26:290:26:32

Tess, come over. Stand there. Stand facing the bed.

0:26:350:26:40

Now, Tess, you're going to be subjected to an exorcism,

0:26:400:26:45

just in case you are haunted.

0:26:450:26:47

You need a priest. Ah, here he is. Here is the priest.

0:26:490:26:52

All right, Tess.

0:26:540:26:56

Give me the details of the prize, please.

0:26:560:26:59

Yes, take a look at this bright red sports car.

0:26:590:27:00

There's a picture of it over there.

0:27:000:27:02

It goes fast, goes about 5,000 miles an hour.

0:27:020:27:05

You could win a night out

0:27:050:27:07

with the owner of that car and there he is there.

0:27:070:27:10

If you could get on the bed.

0:27:120:27:14

Classic Exorcist style.

0:27:140:27:16

She may not be haunted, but if she is,

0:27:160:27:19

Father David here, will be sure to get rid of all those spooks.

0:27:190:27:23

David, this is my first exorcism.

0:27:230:27:26

I'm really spooked.

0:27:260:27:27

This isn't showbiz - exorcism is a serious business.

0:27:270:27:31

-Bring the lights down low.

-Bring the lights down so the devil can dance.

0:27:310:27:35

The bed's moving!

0:27:350:27:37

Start the exorcism.

0:27:370:27:39

Devil, demon,

0:27:390:27:41

I suggest that you get out of this lady

0:27:410:27:44

and clear off to a nearby point.

0:27:440:27:45

What's happening? Get out!

0:27:450:27:49

No, get out of her! Get off of her!

0:27:490:27:53

-Here comes a Jumbo Jet.

-That's a Jumbo Jet!

-It's a 747.

0:27:550:27:59

-Here comes the demon!

-It's coming out.

0:27:590:28:01

Here it comes, here it comes.

0:28:010:28:04

It's a biscuit. Get away with you!

0:28:040:28:09

There goes the demon.

0:28:110:28:13

We have dealt with that demon before, haven't we, David?

0:28:130:28:16

She lasted,

0:28:160:28:18

so she wins a date with that fella with Tar written on his bucket.

0:28:180:28:22

So it's goodbye from Shooting Stars!

0:28:220:28:25

Now, for you people at home, an exorcism is a very serious thing.

0:28:280:28:33

Don't attempt to perform one without Father David.

0:28:330:28:37

-Good night from Shooting Stars.

-Good night from Shooting Stars.

0:28:370:28:40

# Goodbye from Shooting Stars Goodbye from Shooting Stars

0:28:450:28:50

# Goodbye from Shooting Stars. #

0:28:500:28:53

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:530:28:54

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:540:28:57

Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer host the comedy panel show with team captains Jack Dee and Ulrika Jonsson. Angelos Epithemiou attempts to keep the scores.

On Jack's team are wildlife expert Chris Packham and Strictly Come Dancing host Tess Daly. Joining Ulrika is actor Mark Benton and the very stylish Alexa Chung.

Angelos steals the show with his very special 'quick change' routine, which leaves nothing to the imagination. He also delivers a very special poem to Ulrika.


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