Episode 2 Shooting Stars


Episode 2

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Transcript


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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the celebrity showbiz quiz, Shooting Stars.

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And here are your hosts for this evening,

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Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer.

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VIC AND BOB: # We're gonna tell you a secret tonight

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# Henry VIII was capable of flight

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# One night after sex He grew some wings

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# Flying round his bedroom pissing on things

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BOTH: # There he goes

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# Flying low

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# Flying slow

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# Smoking a pipe

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# Run for your life

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# Life!

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# Life!

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# Henry VIII was capable of flight

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# Henry VIII was ca-pa-ble of flight!

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# So come along and let's start Shooting Stars! #

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Plip, plop, piddle, drop - it's Alexa Chung!

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Chris "Mr Erotica" Packham!

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Miss Congestion Charge 2006, it's Ulrika-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka!

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The Jack Dee Sausages and Sunshine Kids' Dance Club!

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Mark "The Oaf" Benton!

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Tess she's once, twice, three times a Daly!

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Good evening. Welcome Team A, Team B.

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-We're acutely aware that there's no show without him, that's Angelos.

-Really.

-No show without him,

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but tonight he's asked me to give

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a great, big entrance for him,

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to build it up because he's got a very special performance tonight.

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-What's he going to do?

-I don't know, Vic.

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-He's got a special performance...

-What's he going to do?

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-I don't know, Vic. It's a surprise.

-Uh-huh.

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He says it's going to be blood-curdling.

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-A very special...

-I just want to know whether I should get my camera out.

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Well, it's probably the safest thing, Vic.

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-Have you got a camera?

-No.

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So, ladies and gentlemen, he's promised something spectacular.

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Something memorable.

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Please welcome onto this stage,

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Mr Angelos Epithemiou!

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# Hey! One man One goal

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# One mission

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# One heart One soul

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# Just one solution. #

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-So, Angelos.

-Hmm?

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What did you want the big entrance for? What was the big performance you promised?

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I can't remember.

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It's nice to see you anyway. What have you been up to?

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I've been out in that Ash... Ashtanishtan.

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Sorry?

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Ash... Ashashish... Ashtanishtan.

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Afghanistan. Afghanistan.

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Who? Afghanistan, that's it. I've been out there.

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I've been entertaining the troops,

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so I'm do my comedy and all that sort of carry on, really.

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-How did it go, Angelos?

-I struggled, I'll be honest with you.

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But I'm not surprised.

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My stuff was never going to go down well with the Taliban.

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LAUGHTER

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First round, first contestant - Mark.

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Lovely Mark Benton, ladies and gentlemen.

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What a treat, ladies and gentlemen.

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You'll probably know him from Early Doors, Booze Cruise, Land Girls

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and many other things, but what I wanted to ask you, Mark, first up,

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is what is the correct way to address you?

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Is it bulbous or rotund?

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Which do you... which do you prefer?

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I'd go with bulbous!

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Bulbous Benton!

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It's actually a bit of a sad story, Mark,

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but you once tried to commit suicide, didn't you?

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Well, that's really sad. I've got a big grin on my face.

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-I don't know why you're laughing.

-You tried to commit suicide

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and you jumped out of a 15-storey building

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and you just bounced back up on to the ledge!

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LAUGHTER

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Mark, first question is for you.

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True or false - half the money raised by Comic Relief

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goes to Jack Dee to spend on prostitutes.

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True or false?

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True.

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True, you say. Lets find out. Jack?

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What am I going to say?

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I'm not going to admit to it if it is true, am I?

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Of course it's false. That would be 35 million quid a year.

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I don't spend anything like that.

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Right, Chris, you like bats, don't you?

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I do. I have the privilege

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of being the president of the Bat Conservation Trust.

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I've got a lot of bats in my garden and I wondered

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if you might help me.

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How would I go about killing them?

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You could use a tennis bat or a cricket bat.

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-Is that the best way of doing it?

-It's the most entertaining, yeah.

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I've used nitro-glycerine,

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and to be honest, it ruined my garden.

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-I'll tell you what I use, Vic.

-What?

-Them Chinese stars.

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They come out at night and I go...

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I've got some nice otters at the river at the end of the garden

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and I was trying to get rid of them.

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So I watched Tarka the Otter and I used a spade on one of them,

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but I just caught a glance at it. It's one-eyed like that.

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It wanders round like that. It looks quite funny so I'll keep that one.

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Anyway, your question is, Chris -

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true or false - all ravens are Goths.

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-True.

-Is it true?

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-It is true, yeah.

-If he says so, Vic, it's true.

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-I'm giving him a point for that.

-Well done, Chris, thank you.

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Ulrika.

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-Lovely to see you...

-Ooh, look at that.

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That's a Ryvita passing through her small intestine.

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Ulrika, my angel, my sweet, sweet darling,

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have you got a penny, have you got a farthing

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to put in the meter of my heart?

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On your desire, my chances hang,

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will you and I ever get to bang?

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That's sweet. What's bang?

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What's a bang? I'll show you.

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No way, Angelos! You want a question, Ulrika?

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True or false -

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Cheryl Cole's music is not as entertaining as her divorce.

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True or false?

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It's true, it's not as entertaining as her divorce.

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It's false, Ulrika, sorry.

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They're both equally as haunting.

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-Sorry.

-Jack!

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With your face like an undiluted boff.

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With your face like a fudge magnet.

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Like an explosion...

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on a shit farm.

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Jack. Jack, my man, what's up?

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How can you criticise me when you turn up looking like that?

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You look like something that's crawled out of Cliff Richard's sponge bag.

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-Alexa Chung, thank you so much for coming.

-Hello.

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Looking beautiful over there.

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Alexa, do people, do fellas, hit on you all the time,

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like they used to with Ulrika before her accident?

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We've got a very special treat for you tonight. Something to get you in the mood for the...

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Ooh!

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Alexa, it's something a little bit special.

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His name's Archie Andrews, he's a friend of the show

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and he's got a little something

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just to get you in the mood.

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I'm going to have nightmares about this!

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Literally, this is a nightmare.

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It's like a small-scale nightmare.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Archie Andrews!

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What it was, Alexa,

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it's just a little explosion to get you in the mood,

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because everyone knows, Mark, that ladies like little explosions.

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Alexa, enough of that, let's give you a question.

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Have a look at your monitor, Alexa, and can you name the celebrity baby?

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Have look at the photo. Who is the celebrity baby?

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-It's a bonnie baby competition.

-OK, it's a beautiful baby.

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Is it you, Bob, as a baby?

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-Is that your answer, Alexa?

-Yeah, that's my answer.

-Let's find out.

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Mick Jagger.

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Unlucky, Alexa.

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Tess.

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Tess.

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Tess, ho-ho!

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# You're a lady!

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# Woah-oh-woah-oh-woah You're a lady!

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# Roast beef, carrots and gravy! And the lady is mine! #

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-Did you enjoy that, Tess?

-Maybe put a bit of Yorkshire pudding in there.

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I can do Yorkshire pudding for you and now we're going out with each other,

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Yorkshire pudding is yours.

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And look, I'm going to pump a lot of money into, I don't know,

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maybe getting you some nice dresses that are more your age.

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LAUGHTER

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Get rid of the syrup and get a nice punky hairdo.

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Anyway, Tess. True or false - Stephen Fry's so clever

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he doesn't need to wear 3D glasses when he watches a 3D film.

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True.

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It's false. He doesn't watch films, he just reads books.

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That's the end of the first round so, Angelos, what are the scores?

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DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

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MUSIC STOPS

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-That's a nice ring, Angelos.

-'Big shout out to the whole crew!'

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Angelos, are you still doing any campaigns?

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I was doing one - save the rainforest.

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But, you know, if the weather's going to be this good,

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they can keep chopping it down.

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-Jack's got five, Ulrika's got nothing.

-What?!

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The next round is the Clips round.

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-Give kindly, sir.

-Sorry?

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-Give kindly to the little boy, sir.

-Shut up.

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-Yes...

-Give kindly, sir.

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What? I'm not giving... One - I haven't got any change.

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And two - I don't want to. All right?

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-Yes...

-Give kindly, sir.

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Give kindly to the little boy, sir.

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All right, all right, Vic.

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-Give kindly, sir.

-There you are.

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How much did he put in, Peter?

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Dunno, it felt a bit light.

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-How much did you put in there?

-Two quid.

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-He says he put two pound in.

-Bollocks!

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It's more like two pence.

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-Mate, how old are you anyway?

-I'm 45. What's it got to do with you?

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-Yeah, what's it got to do with you, like?

-I'm only saying.

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Right. I'll see you later, Pete, round by the bins.

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See you, Vic.

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-See you.

-Yeah, I'll see you, Vic.

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-Yeah, see you, Pete.

-Yeah, see you, Vic.

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-Yeah, no, you go first.

-No, you go first.

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No, you go first.

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See you, Pete. Oh, he's gone.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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That's incredible!

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Next round is the Clips round.

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We're going to show both teams a clip. Watch very carefully because the question follows.

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It's about a 1970s Facebook.

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Hello? Hello?

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Hello, I'm Chris.

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I like fishing, smoking and kung fu.

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Hi, I'm Mike. I like kung fu and smoking.

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-Would you like to join my group?

-Yes.

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-Would you like to meet some other strangers?

-Yes.

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Hi. My name is Derek.

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I'm 15 years old and I like the Bay City Rollers.

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I think you want that group over there, Derek.

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Would you like to come to a private room and have a chat?

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-ROFL.

-LOL.

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That bloke wasn't 15.

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Haha. X.

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Haha. X. Got to go.

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Byeeeeeee.

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An early attempt there in the 1970s to get Facebook off the ground.

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I'll go to you first, Team B, and here's the question.

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Can you tell me,

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what is the average number of friends that each Facebook user has?

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The average number of friends that each Facebook user has.

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Alexa?

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567.

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-567?

-Yeah.

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-MARK: 500.

-500?

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-Mark, are you on Facebook?

-I am.

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Have you got a friend?

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I've got about three or four.

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-What are you going to say, Ulrika?

-500?

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-500.

-Yeah.

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How many do you think is the average number of friends on a Facebook?

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165.

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Oooh!

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The actual average number of friends that each Facebook user has is...

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130.

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Jack!

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He is the nearest.

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It's the new thing!

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Let's find out the scores, but more importantly,

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let's find out what's in Angelos's bag!

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# What's in your bag Angelos?

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-# Tell us what's in your bag

-You bastard

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# A pair of gloves and some marmalade

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# And a suicidal maid. #

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Nice bag.

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Poor cow.

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Scores, Angelos.

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Right, so, scores - Jack's got six,

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Ulrika's still got nothing, I'm afraid.

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Come on, Ulrika!

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The next round... What's that you're fiddling with?

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I've got a brand new thing - it's called the iPad.

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Yeah? I know the iPad.

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It's really cool.

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You're still buying stuff off that kangaroo.

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How many times do I have to tell you?

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It's not legitimate stuff. You didn't buy anything else, did you?

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-I haven't bought anything, that's all I bought.

-That's good.

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If you've learned your lesson, I'm happy. The next round...

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-Bob, can I take your picture?

-Yeah, go on then.

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-That's not going to work, is it?

-Why?

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Because it isn't turned on.

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Try to keep the camera still, like.

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-Is it a good one?

-I think it's one of your best, yeah.

-Nice one!

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Next round is the Dove round.

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Can we ask all of our guests to help us beckon down

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the beautiful, plump Dove From Above.

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Surely she will come. Coo!

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COOING

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Yeah, sexy bird.

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First choice goes to you, Chris.

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I'll take Ta-dah.

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-Ta-dah.

-Ta-dah.

-Right, well, Ta-dah.

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-Now then, that is Angelos's Variety Showcase.

-Nice.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Quick change.

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DRUM ROLL

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Quick change.

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DRUM ROLL

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Quick change.

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DRUM ROLL

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Quick change.

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CHA-CHA MUSIC PLAYS

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Ooh!

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Chris.

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-That was exciting, wasn't it?

-It was very exciting.

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Now, you may have noticed that he knocked

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a robin into a bowl of milk towards the end of that performance.

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I noticed that. Brilliant.

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For you, the question is,

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can you imitate the sweet, sweet song of the robin?

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It's quite tricky because it's a variable, melodic warble.

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Is it?

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HE WHISTLES

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HE WHISTLES BACK

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THEY WHISTLE BACK AND FORTH

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You dirty sod.

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How dare you. How dare you!

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-What did he say?

-I couldn't repeat it.

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-I want to know what he said though.

-It was filthy!

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-Well done, you get a point for that.

-Well done, Chris.

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APPLAUSE

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Mark, your turn to choose a category from the Dove From Above.

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-I would like Bond, please.

-Bond.

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Bond - it's a celebrity question. A question from a celebrity.

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This week it's Roger Moore. Take a look at your monitor

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and he's going to ask you the question.

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Hi, I'm Roger Moore.

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I done stuff like The Saint.

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I done stuff like Bond.

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My wife Kiki Moore does the cooking,

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but can you tell me,

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what is my wife Kiki's favourite dish?

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Roger Moore's wife, Kiki - what is her favourite dish?

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She's Swedish.

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Bierwurst.

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Bierwurst?

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-Big sausage.

-Big sausage.

-Yeah.

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A big German sausage.

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-That's your answer?

-Yeah.

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Let's find out.

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No, you're miles away. The answer is, of course,

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lamb passanda.

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How did you not get that?

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Lamb passanda!

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Tess, pick a category from the Dove.

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Do you know I think I'll have Jazz.

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-Jazz.

-That is a good choice because that's the club singer question.

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My colleague, Mr Reeves, who should be...

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CHEERING

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Is going to sing a song in the club style.

0:22:350:22:37

Tess, you've got to guess what song it is he's singing. Off you go.

0:22:370:22:41

DRUM MACHINE/UNINTELLIGIBLE SINGING

0:22:410:22:44

Did you get it?

0:22:570:22:59

APPLAUSE

0:22:590:23:00

What song is he singing, Tess?

0:23:030:23:05

It was something by Tinie Tempah,

0:23:050:23:07

-but I can't remember the name of the song.

-Who?

0:23:070:23:10

-Tinie Tempah.

-No.

-Oh.

0:23:100:23:13

It was If You Leave Me Now, by Chicago.

0:23:130:23:15

If You Leave Me Now, by Chicago.

0:23:150:23:18

Let's hear that song sung properly

0:23:180:23:21

by a Lancashire bus conductor.

0:23:210:23:23

# If you leave me now You take away the very heart of me

0:23:270:23:33

# Oh hey-hey-hey-ho Baby please don't go

0:23:330:23:37

# You take away the very heart of me Ho-hoy!

0:23:370:23:40

# Wa-ha-ho-ho-hey Baby please don't go

0:23:400:23:45

# Don't go, don't go Don't go! #

0:23:450:23:49

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:490:23:50

Sung in the style of a Lancashire bus conductor.

0:23:580:24:02

I say - bloody good.

0:24:040:24:06

-Bloody marvellous.

-How bloody good was that?

0:24:060:24:09

-Bloody marvellous.

-Bloody good.

0:24:090:24:11

That's the end of the Dove round, so let's say farewell to the Dove

0:24:130:24:16

and say, what are the scores, Angelos?

0:24:160:24:19

Jack's got seven, Ulrika's got one.

0:24:190:24:21

Whoo!

0:24:210:24:23

We're getting there.

0:24:240:24:25

Wiping the board.

0:24:260:24:27

Alexa? Alexa! Hello, Alexa.

0:24:290:24:32

Yeah.

0:24:320:24:34

Did you call me last night?

0:24:340:24:36

I sent you that fax.

0:24:360:24:38

You sent me that fax. Well, can you please stop it, OK?

0:24:380:24:41

We had that one night and, you know, we both agreed, you was rubbish. OK?

0:24:410:24:45

You didn't know what you was doing.

0:24:470:24:50

Maybe it was nerves, we'll never know,

0:24:500:24:53

because it won't be happening again, OK?

0:24:530:24:55

Ulrika's my girl and although she's on the turn, she's gotten...

0:24:550:25:00

She has got... She's got a lot of experience.

0:25:020:25:06

She's been with thousands of blokes.

0:25:080:25:12

And that's the sort of woman I like.

0:25:120:25:13

Time for the Quick-fire round.

0:25:150:25:17

We don't know how much time we've got -

0:25:170:25:18

when the time's up, you'll hear this noise.

0:25:180:25:19

You got some balls saying that to me!

0:25:190:25:22

Fingers on the buzzers.

0:25:240:25:26

True or false - Charlie Sheen is now illegal in over 17 countries.

0:25:260:25:30

BUZZER

0:25:300:25:32

-That is Packham.

-It's true.

-It is true. Well done, Chris.

0:25:320:25:35

True or false - the Titanic was sunk by a huge iceberg lettuce.

0:25:350:25:40

BUZZER

0:25:400:25:42

-Jonsson.

-False.

-It's true.

0:25:420:25:44

Question - Who appointed Archbishop Tutu?

0:25:440:25:48

-BUZZER

-And that is Dee.

0:25:480:25:50

-Archbishop You-you.

-No. Pope One-one.

0:25:500:25:54

Name a sexy man.

0:25:550:25:57

-BUZZER

-Ulrika.

0:25:570:25:59

Sting.

0:25:590:26:00

No! It was Dickinson, of course.

0:26:000:26:03

You got some balls saying that to me!

0:26:030:26:05

That's the end of the Quick-fire round,

0:26:050:26:07

so what are the final scores, Angelos?

0:26:070:26:09

This week's winner is Jack!

0:26:090:26:11

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:26:110:26:13

Well done, Jack. Well done, Jack.

0:26:140:26:17

Jack, as the winning captain it falls to you to decide

0:26:190:26:22

which of your team-mates will take tonight's final challenge.

0:26:220:26:25

-Who's it going to be?

-Bob, I think it has to be Tess tonight.

-Ooh!

0:26:250:26:29

-Tess.

-Tess.

-Come and join me for tonight's final challenge.

0:26:290:26:32

Tess, come over. Stand there. Stand facing the bed.

0:26:350:26:40

Now, Tess, you're going to be subjected to an exorcism,

0:26:400:26:45

just in case you are haunted.

0:26:450:26:47

You need a priest. Ah, here he is. Here is the priest.

0:26:490:26:52

All right, Tess.

0:26:540:26:56

Give me the details of the prize, please.

0:26:560:26:59

Yes, take a look at this bright red sports car.

0:26:590:27:00

There's a picture of it over there.

0:27:000:27:02

It goes fast, goes about 5,000 miles an hour.

0:27:020:27:05

You could win a night out

0:27:050:27:07

with the owner of that car and there he is there.

0:27:070:27:10

If you could get on the bed.

0:27:120:27:14

Classic Exorcist style.

0:27:140:27:16

She may not be haunted, but if she is,

0:27:160:27:19

Father David here, will be sure to get rid of all those spooks.

0:27:190:27:23

David, this is my first exorcism.

0:27:230:27:26

I'm really spooked.

0:27:260:27:27

This isn't showbiz - exorcism is a serious business.

0:27:270:27:31

-Bring the lights down low.

-Bring the lights down so the devil can dance.

0:27:310:27:35

The bed's moving!

0:27:350:27:37

Start the exorcism.

0:27:370:27:39

Devil, demon,

0:27:390:27:41

I suggest that you get out of this lady

0:27:410:27:44

and clear off to a nearby point.

0:27:440:27:45

What's happening? Get out!

0:27:450:27:49

No, get out of her! Get off of her!

0:27:490:27:53

-Here comes a Jumbo Jet.

-That's a Jumbo Jet!

-It's a 747.

0:27:550:27:59

-Here comes the demon!

-It's coming out.

0:27:590:28:01

Here it comes, here it comes.

0:28:010:28:04

It's a biscuit. Get away with you!

0:28:040:28:09

There goes the demon.

0:28:110:28:13

We have dealt with that demon before, haven't we, David?

0:28:130:28:16

She lasted,

0:28:160:28:18

so she wins a date with that fella with Tar written on his bucket.

0:28:180:28:22

So it's goodbye from Shooting Stars!

0:28:220:28:25

Now, for you people at home, an exorcism is a very serious thing.

0:28:280:28:33

Don't attempt to perform one without Father David.

0:28:330:28:37

-Good night from Shooting Stars.

-Good night from Shooting Stars.

0:28:370:28:40

# Goodbye from Shooting Stars Goodbye from Shooting Stars

0:28:450:28:50

# Goodbye from Shooting Stars. #

0:28:500:28:53

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0:28:530:28:54

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0:28:540:28:57

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