Episode 3 Shooting Stars

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the celebrity showbiz quiz Shooting Stars.

Here are your hosts for this evening, Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# He's a time wolf

# He stops time with his eyes

# Time wolf

# Time wolf, he got no family ties

# Time wolf

# I'm all alone

# Who did this to me?

# It was me, I put chemicals in his dog food, do you see?

# Time wolf

# All the ladies are scared

# Time wolf

# No-one is prepared for the startling stare of the time wolf

# So come along and let the Shooting Stars

# I want more and I want more #

Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome to Shooting Stars, and introducing

he-don't-like-cricket- he-plays-it Jimmy Anderson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Jake "the Argonaut" Wood.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ulrika-ka-ka-ka-ka-can you smell the Norse?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The Jack Dee Fruit Bonbons

Kiddy Buttercup Show. LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And introducing Ancient Greek organist, Vangelis!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hot, horny horticulturalist.

LAUGHTER

Gabby Logan.

Hello.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oovavo!

Yeah!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, that was an extract from our West End musical Time Wolf.

Time Wolf. It's just an extract.

The actual show is twice that length.

Literally, twice that length.

There's somebody missing. We can't proceed without him.

He's the man who gives us the scores, it's Angelos!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

FUNKY MUSIC

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Lovely. Lovely stuff. Lovely stuff.

Nice to see you. Looking good.

Yeah, yeah, keeping fit, keeping fit.

I've been down the leisure centre, finally got my swimming badges.

Thank you, yes.

I got, um, I Love Swimming

and Swimming Is Cool.

What are you doing down the swimming pool?

I just go down there to look at the birds.

-I don't like the sound of that.

-No, it's mucky, I'll be honest.

Right, Jake. Jake Wood, Max Branning.

Jake, how do you get your hair to stay like that?

LAUGHTER Mad, innit?

I've just got to ask you, do you look like that because your mother was frightened by a gypsy?

LAUGHTER

I shouldn't, then.

I know how your temperament can be.

LAUGHTER

Jake, true or false, Torvill and Dean can't walk properly on land.

LAUGHTER

True or false?

-True.

-You're saying it's true. Well, actually, one can and one can't.

I've got the proof here. That's Torvill pushing Dean

in the Dean Barrow.

Cos she can, but he can't.

LAUGHTER

Who've you got over 'ere?

Over 'ere, I've got Team B.

Jimmy, thanks for coming, Jimmy, England fast bowler.

When you bowl really fast ones in the nets do some of the batsmen say,

"OI, WHAT YOU DOIN', JIMMY?! SLOW DOWN A BIT!"

LAUGHTER

"WHERE'D THAT COME FROM, JIMMY?! HECK!"

LAUGHTER

-Is that what they say?

-Uncanny, just like that.

I've a question, and you're lucky, actually,

cos your question's going to be delivered by Archie Andrews.

-He's a new friend of the show.

-Oh, he's a lovely friend of ours.

LAUGHTER

And here's Archie with the question.

That's it, Archie.

You take the question. On the other side, there's a question for you to read out, Jimmy.

Jimmy, if the question's on there, you can read it out yourself.

I'm not reading that.

Jimmy, you'll see the question there, you can read it out yourself.

What?

Oh, we forgot to tell you, Archie is a pornography courier.

I'll read it for you if you want, Jimmy.

Yeah, I'd prefer that, yeah.

Oh, Jesus!

True or false, here's your question,

Jimmy, true or false, Cilla's Black.

-It's false.

-It is false. Surprise, surprise, she's white.

Well done, Jimmy.

Jack, with your face like a sailor's chodding brush.

LAUGHTER

With your face like an explosion in a bullshit factory.

LAUGHTER

I don't have to put up with this from you.

-You don't have to, but you are.

-Why have you come dressed as Ulrika?

You look like a pile of fire-damaged bunting.

-Who, me?

-You're a disgrace.

-I don't know how you could.

-You're a disgrace to television and light entertainment.

With your face like an Italian fart rinser, how can you come back at me like that?

LAUGHTER

I'll give you a question anyway. True or false, The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe

was the original name of the Sugababes.

LAUGHTER

Twue or false.

Well, I'd say it's true.

It's false. They were originally called Bedknob And Broomstick.

Dammit, you were so close(!)

-Ulrika.

-She looks a bit like Emily Bronte.

-She does, doesn't she?

She looks certainly as old as Emily Bronte.

A Brontesaurus.

Do you want a question, Ulrika?

True or false, Kerry Cat-ona doesn't actually own a cat.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

True or false, Ulrika.

False.

It's false, Ulrika. She's a liar.

Just like Minnie Driver, who actually drives a Fiat Panda.

LAUGHTER

-I tell you, Ulrika, when's your book coming out?

-Oh, in September.

-September?

-Mm.

-What's it called?

-Um...

-Up The Duff?

LAUGHTER

The Big Pram.

No, what's it called, Ulrika?

Money For Old Rope.

LAUGHTER

So, Gabby!

Gabby!

Gabby!

Now that we're going out with each other, you'll be moving into my flat.

I'll take you out, get you some decent clothes, and a nice, modern haircut.

So come with me, I've got a special treat for you.

Ooh, a special treat for Gabby.

Er, just sit on this chair here.

He likes you, Gabby.

And now, do you know those, um, fish manicures?

Do you mean a fish pedicure?

Er, fish, yeah, pedicure.

Oh, no! I'll kill them!

They're all right. They're all right. They're all right.

That's it, there we are.

Just let the fish do their work, they'll clean your shoes up nicely.

LAUGHTER

Is that all right? Did you enjoy yourself? Let's have a look.

Well, they've nibbled your shoes nice and clean, haven't they?

There we are, Gabby.

So you can look forward to a life of your shoes being nibbled by trout.

So, Gabby, did you enjoy yourself?

It was lovely, thank you.

-That's the sort of life you're looking forward to with me.

-He likes you, Gabby.

APPLAUSE

Right, Gabby, name an evil bird.

An evil bird.

A crow.

A crow, you say. The answer, I'm afraid, is a Stalin.

LAUGHTER

Vangelis, good evening to you.

For people who don't remember Vangelis,

he wrote and played the music for Chariots Of Fire and won an Oscar for that.

Do you ever get sick of the Chariots Of Fire?

-No.

-No? Perfectly happy to talk about that.

Of course, you're still working, Vangelis,

and you've agreed, which is a real treat, to premier a track off your new album tonight.

Right, but you're just going to play one...

It's brutal.

You like?

Yeah? Sorry, Ulrika.

OK, Vangelis, so if you're ready...

If you're ready, Vangelis, would you like to play your new track?

ONE LONG DESCENDING NOTE

Vangelis's new track.

-Very good.

-Um, you've worked really hard on that, yeah?

Question for you, Vangelis, true or false question.

ANOTHER SOUND, ASCENDING THIS TIME

Yeah, it's really nice. Very nice.

True or false, Vangelis,

you can fit 125,000 songs on Stephen Hawking.

LAUGHTER

True.

It is true, Vangelis. And interestingly, he has a little tin pot under his chair

to catch his podcasts.

LAUGHTER

Well done, Vangelis.

That's the end of the opening round,

so what are the scores, Angelos?

ELECTRONIC MUSIC

THUDDING BEAT

It's 22.

Up she goes.

AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa.

Angelos!

Spectacular. What have you been doing?

Car maintenance in Mali, shipped her down to Mexico and pimped her up.

Now I just sit back and ride her like a bitch.

LAUGHTER

-So what are the scores?

-'Ey?

-What's the scores?

RECORD: DJ! DJ! DJ! DJ!

WOMAN SINGS

(SEXY FEMALE) Come on, come on, come on.

(MAN) Dictionary.

LAUGHTER

Er, excuse me?

-Dictionary.

-Er, I'm sorry?

-Dictionary.

-(MUMBLES)

-Dictionary.

-Necessary.

-Dictionary.

-Ictionary.

-Dictionary.

-Shishionary.

-Dictionary.

-Ishionary.

-Dictionary.

-Ishionary.

-Dictionary.

-Ictionary.

-Dictionary.

-Dictionairy.

-Dictionary.

-DICTIONARY!

-Excellent!

-Thank you.

-Very good.

-Don't go on about it.

APPLAUSE

Just the scores, please, Angelos?

Ulrika's got two and Jack's got one.

Thank you, Angelos.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next round is the clips round.

Both teams, will you watch the clip on your monitors? The question follows, so watch carefully.

It was my job to fetch the yoghurt from the yoghurt bucket for my boss, Mr Onions.

(SOUTH AFRICAN) OI! Fetch that bucket of yoghurt from the top shelf there, you silly bitch.

Prick.

Unfortunately, the firm had provided a moron to steady the ladder.

Yeah, it's true.

Well, times are tight!

WOMAN SCREAMING

I fell into a sack of flour and an adjacent tomato.

Somehow, in the mayhem, a hotdog got stuck to my face.

I looked like a clown.

The boss and his cronies started calling me names

such as Coco, Pongo.

Look at you, you stupid cow, you look like Coco the Clown from Bill Smart's Circus.

You do look like a dickhead.

I immediately lost all my confidence and had to leave work.

-Go on, get out!

-Yeah, get out.

You can get out as well, you halfwit.

Clear off. Don't bother asking for your P45.

I flushed it down the toilet after I'd had a dump on it. Cretin.

My life had turned to shit.

The only thing that could help me was money.

So I contacted cashformishaps.com

and asked if they could get me 1,500 quid, something like that.

They did, and they flooded Mr Onion's factory.

And got me and the moron jobs in the circus.

cashformishaps.com

if it's money that you're after.

APPLAUSE

There we are, both teams.

That was an advert for Cash For Mishaps,

people claiming money for injuries at work or elsewhere.

And my question, you first, Team A,

what do the Criminal Injuries Compensation Board award higher compensation for,

the loss of both ears, or the loss of your tongue?

-Team A first.

-Your toe?

-Tongue.

Tongue. Oh. I think you'd get more money for loss of your ears.

-Loss of your ears.

-Do you want to put a figure on it?

I reckon they'd give you £500,000...

-Half a mill?!

-..and a new pair of glasses that stay on without ears.

LAUGHTER

Team B.

Vangelis.

Van!

Did you watch the clip?

Yeah!

-Is he bothering you, Ulrika or are you all right?

-I'm all right.

Team B, what are you saying, Jimmy?

Tongue, I reckon. He didn't say that but he was thinking it.

Vangelis is. Tongue?

LAUGHTER

Let's forget that.

LAUGHTER

-Come on, Ulrika, what do you say?

-Tongue.

-You're saying tongue. You might as well.

The loss of both ears will be compensated by the award of a sum of £19,000

-19?

-For the loss of both ears.

The tongue will be compensated in the sum of £44,000.

-It's Ulrika's point. Sorry, Jack.

-Yes!

High five.

Oh, ey-up.

-You all right, Gabby.

-Good, yeah.

I was just having a look at what you're wearing there.

Are you all right for money?

No, look, you know, Gabby, I've been sat over there by me office,

and I can smell the pheromones coming off you,

it's stinking the place out, right?

And I've had your e-mails, I've had your texts, you've bombarded me,

but it's definitely a no, OK?

No, look at you Gabby.

Our children would look ridiculous.

So forget it, my darling, all right?

Ulrika, on the other hand, it's still a yes,

but you are on the turn,

so if you want to do something, get a bloody move on.

APPLAUSE

Right, the scores.

Er, Jonsson's got one, and Jack's got three.

Thank you, Angelos.

Can you fix this?

Well, we don't need a torch because the next round is...

LAUGHTER

THWACK

LAUGHTER

That's done it.

LAUGHTER

His torch wasn't working.

APPLAUSE

Time for the Dove From Above round. Are you ready?

Let's coo down that beautiful dove from above.

Down and down and down she comes.

Look carefully, you might just see her plums.

Dove From Above.

Vangelis, could you pick a category from the dove there?

-A Fox.

-A Fox.

A good choice, Vangelis, cos that's Angelos's variety showcase.

Watch the performance closely cos the question follows.

-Are you ready, Angelos?

-Yeah, I am.

-Here he comes.

THROBBING MUSIC

WOLF WHISTLE FROM AUDIENCE

LAUGHTER

# I-I-I

# Don't want to know your name

# Cos you don't look the same

# The way you did before

# Fox on the run

# Screaming, fox on the run

# Screaming, fox on the run

# Screaming, fox on the run

# Screaming, fox... #

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Well done.

So, Vangelis, did you enjoy that?

Not me.

Is the correct answer. Well done, Vangelis.

-That's not Vangelis.

-That is Vangelis. Yes, it is.

You're not Vangelis, are you?

I think you'll find this says I am.

Yeah, he is.

APPLAUSE

Jimmy! Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy!

-Pick a category from the Dove From Above.

-I'll go Taters, please.

Taters. Vic and I have recently opened a bakery.

-We've got a bakery called...

-Haven't we, Vic?

-Yes, we have.

It's a lovely bakery in the town centre, and it's called The Baking Of Pelham 123.

Now, our most popular range is our tyrant range, our dictator range.

Tyrant biscuits.

There are five tyrants there.

Can you identify the tyrants? It's a point for each tyrant.

What about this fellow here?

Who does that look like, Jimmy?

Get your nose out of it.

-Study him.

-No? Anything on that?

-No.

-What about this chap here?

-I'd have to go Hitler.

-It's Hitler. Is that right, Vic?

-Yes.

-It's Hitler. Well done.

What about this fellow here?

"The third biscuit", as he's known.

I ain't got a clue.

The fourth biscuit, Jimmy, from our dictator, the tyrant range.

LAUGHTER

It actually looks like Saddam Hussein.

And the final biscuit.

The biggest of the biscuits, and therefore the most popular?

It's got Saddam's eyes.

I might have to go Saddam, after he's come out of the bunker.

It's Saddam, post-hole, yeah. So that's dictator biscuits.

LAUGHTER

-Did he get them all right?

-He got three right.

Oh, brilliant, that'll bring the sales up.

Jake. (EVIL LAUGHTER)

(POSH) Jake, would you like to select a category from the dove?

(EVIL LAUGHTER)

Queen, please, Bob.

-Queen.

-Vic.

The Queen Vic. AH HA HA HA HA HA!

Right, Jake.

Take a look at this film of Freddie Mercury.

(NORTHERN) 'Ello!

It's me, Freddie Mercury, back from t'grave to entertain you.

I was walking along t'road,

and this bloke started throwing butter, cream and eggs at me.

How dairy!

'Ere's a question for you.

You know that show, Take Me Out? What's the catchphrase?

There we are. Freddie Mercury asking the question.

-Have you seen Take Me Out?

-No, I've never seen it.

-You've never seen it?

-Seen it, Jack?

-Yeah, I've seen it.

-It's, yeah,...

-Paddy McGinty. What's the catchphrase?

It's "No likey, no lighty".

-No likey, no lighty.

-That's what he says.

Let's find out.

The answer is, "No likey, no likey".

Oh, you were wrong.

-Oh yeah, it's wrong.

-No, Freddie! Freddie!

It's "No likey, no lighty".

No, it's not, "It's no likey, no likey"

Freddie, it's not, it's "No likey, no lighty"

No, it's not, it's "No likey, no likey".

Well, you'd think Freddie would know, but I'm going to give him a point there.

That's the end of the Dove From Above round.

So what are the scores, Angelos?

Jake. Mission. I'm doing one of me surveys, why not?

Um, you like food, don't you?

What do you prefer?

Do you like a nice bit of fish,

or do you prefer a nibble on a sausage instead?

LAUGHTER

-I prefer fish.

-A nice bit of fish?

Ulrika likes a nibble on a sausage.

Yeah, I know she does, yeah.

But she spat mine out cos she said it was a bit pink.

LAUGHTER

Have you got any scores?

Yes, I have. Jack's got two and Ulrika's got four.

Well done, Ulrika.

APPLAUSE

Final round, Quickfire Round against the clock. We don't know how long.

When the time's up, you will hear this noise.

Ra-Ra-Rasputin?

LAUGHTER

What percentage of pensioners disappear whilst meandering around garden centre?

-BELL

-Logan?

-76.

-Ooh, so close. It's 81 per cent.

How many can you name?

-BUZZER Vangelis?

-Two.

LAUGHTER

Where can I get one?

BUZZER

Here.

Do they deliver?

-BUZZER

-Maybe they do.

LAUGHTER

-Yeah?

-Happy with that.

I'm happy with that.

True or false, Yoko Ono has a sister called O-yes.

BELL

LAUGHTER

-Who was that, Jake?

-True.

-It's false.

O-no she doesn't.

-Ra-Ra-Rasputin?

-That's the end of the quickfire round.

What are the final scores, Angelos?

Jack's the winner with six points.

Jack, well done, Jack.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Jack, as successful team captain,

it falls to you to decide which team member, it could be you, is going to take tonight's final challenge.

-I think it's going to be Jake.

-So, Jake, come and join me to take tonight's final challenge.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, Jake, good luck.

APPLAUSE

Now, as you can probably see,

you're going to be playing a version of the popular entertainment show The Cube.

And as always on the show, there's a wonderful prize if you succeed.

Take a look at this safari.

Beautiful. Beautiful. Well, we've taken the skins off those animals,

and you can win their pelts, should you succeed in The Cube challenge.

Cube, what is the name of tonight's challenge?

(DISTORTED VOICE) Nut in bucket.

You have to throw a severed head into the bucket.

So, severed head into the bucket.

There's the bucket. I have the severed head here.

-If you'd like to enter the cube, please.

-The Cube.

LAUGHTER

-The contestant has entered the cube.

-The Cube.

Vic, you don't have to say "cube" every time I say...

The Cube.

-LAUGHTER

-No, every time I say the cube...

-The Cube.

No, every time I say it, don't you say it.

OK?

The Cube is sorry.

-So Cube, can you tell me whose s...

-The Cube.

ALL RIGHT!

Can you tell me whose severed head is in the bag?

It's Pat Butcher's head.

OK, Jake, I'll give you the head. You can take that in your own time.

If you successfully toss the head into the bucket,

you win that wonderful prize.

In your own time, Jake.

TENSE MUSIC

Contestant defeated.

LAUGHTER

Can I have another go?

Well, Jake, you do get one chance to simplify the game in The Cube.

-Would you like to simplify?

-Yes.

Cube, Jake would like to simplify.

Right.

LAUGHTER

Hang on.

Here. It's a smaller head.

Cube, whose head is in the bag?

Louis Walsh.

Jake, here's Louis' head.

Thank you. Thank you.

In your own time, think of that prize.

Mm-hm.

TENSE MUSIC

Oh, so close.

Contestant defeated.

Unlucky, Jake, but well done.

Very good go at that.

That's Shooting Stars and good night, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Goodbye from Shooting Stars

# Goodbye, whoever you are

# Ba dibby-de de-poo

# Ba dooby-de boo-poo #

Yes, Louis and Pat there proved too difficult a challenge for Jake.

We shall eat them later.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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