Episode 4 Shooting Stars

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the celebrity showbiz quiz, Shooting Stars.

And here are your hosts for this evening, Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer!

# Sly Stallone

# Is all alone

# On his own

# Sly Stallone

# Suddenly he changes channel

# And looks at his potato

# Stares out of the window

# And looks back at his potato

# Cos Sly Stallone

# Is all alo-o-one

# So come along and let's start Shooting Stars! #

Right!

Ladies and gentlemen X Factor finalist, it's Scott Mills!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Mr Rock and Roll!

John Humphrys.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Miss Sticky Tape, 2002!

It's Ulrika!

Ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka!

The Jack Dee Soft Toy Cuddling Club.

Diet guru,

Brian Butterfield.

APPLAUSE

From Hell!

Lisa Snowdon!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

BOB CHANTS

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Shooting Stars.

Ah...

..choo!

Atchoo!

-Do you get that free on the NHS?

-No. No, you have to pay.

-No...

I don't have to pay. YOU have "to-pay"!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Shooting Stars.

But we don't have a show without him because he keeps the scores. It's Angelos!

BHANGRA MUSIC

-Hup! Hup! Hup!

-Angelos! A little bit of bhangra! What's that all about?

It's Bhangra Week!

You're looking lively.

-I mean business.

-Ha ha! So, Round One. The first round. Turning first to...

Scott! Radio DJ, Radio One.

-Yeah.

-I like your shirts, what you're wearing.

We're co-ordinated.

PLAYS HOEDOWN MUSIC

I just had it lined up.

-Scott, you recently did that walk across the desert, 100 miles, for Comic Relief.

-Mm-hm.

Did you not think of maybe walking another 20 miles and keeping that extra money for yourself?

LAUGHTER

-Why didn't you drive it?

-Yeah.

-That wasn't... It was a desert trek.

-Who?

-A desert trek.

-A desert trek?

-To raise money for Comic Relief.

-That's up to you, innit?

Scott, true or false - the Illiterate Book club meet once a week to judge a book by its cover.

-True.

-True is a correct answer.

John Humphrys. John from - I suppose we know you from Mastermind. How long have you been doing it?

-Eight years.

-You see, I watch Mastermind and I often wake up in the morning thinking about you.

-You're thinking about a Humphry?

-Well, yes.

I did a drawing of what I imagine you look like

when you've done a hard day's work at Mastermind

and you're just climbing into bed. Am I close?

LISA: Oh, my God! It's so wrong!

That's how I imagine you, anyway.

And then perhaps a bit of that.

TRUMPET PLAYS What's that?!

Oh, no!

I know that that doesn't happen. That's just my imagination.

-Do you think you should worry about your imagination?

-I can only dream, John.

TRUMPET PLAYS

It's just a dream, John.

Now then, John, you were born in Splott.

-That's true, isn't it?

-So far.

-You were born in Splott, but can you tell me where is Splatt?

It's in the dictionary, just ahead of Splott.

-It is. Where is it?

-Oh, I know. I'm just not telling you.

Watch him, John.

He gets like that if you misbehave and you are misbehaving, John.

-Where is Splatt?

-I don't know!

-It's in Devon!

-It's in Devon!

In Devon, John!

-Well, he didn't get it. It's... Where?

-Devon.

-Splatt in Devon.

Ulrika, give kindly to the little boy.

Give kindly to the little boy.

-'Thank you. Now do you mind if I pop a little something in your slot?'

-Peter!

-Ulrika, how much did you put in?

-5p.

'Tight arse!'

-Ulrika, I have a question. I'll go over here and get it.

-OK.

A question for you. True or false - Zoe Ball and The Apprentice's Stuart Baggs

have formed a detective agency called Ball Baggs?

True or false?

APPLAUSE

-False.

-It IS false! It's called Bag of Balls, obviously.

Jack, with your face like a Turkish fiddling cup,

with your face like Scooby-Doo's Xmas dump.

LAUGHTER

Jack, with your face like a...

half-buttered bollock.

How can you even dream of talking to me like that? You're a disgrace to show business dressed like that.

Like a retarded tractor driver.

Who's to say I'm not? To be honest.

We'll give you a question anyway.

-KLAXON

-That klaxon simply means

that this question will be asked by Angelos!

-Let's have your question.

-OK.

Here it comes, Jack, for one point. A very simple question.

Can you tell me what is the best

of the three main things?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

What is the best of the three main things?

-I don't know. The first one.

-Don't be ridiculous.

You could have had cork or iron, but not balls. Simple.

Hard luck, Jack.

Turning to a very special guest, Mr Brian Butterfield, ladies and gentlemen.

Yes!

APPLAUSE

-It's a pleasure to have you here.

-Which camera am I on?

-See that one over there? With the light on.

-Oh, the light on.

-Would you mind if I just said happy birthday to a special somebody?

-Yes, of course.

Happy birthday, Brian.

LAUGHTER

I'm recording this programme and I'll watch it on my birthday.

-Good idea!

-APPLAUSE

-You need a question.

-Yes.

-It's true or false, Brian.

True or false - all fat people are lazy?

It's true and I know it to be true.

Well done, you!

Thank you!

Right, Lisa... Lisa Snowdon.

Yes!

Ooh!

Wow.

-Lisa...

-Hot!

-Now that we're going out...

-Yeah?

..you'll be moving into my flat. I'd like to show you a little vignette

-of what life's going to be like from now on.

-Together?

-Yeah.

-In our flat.

-Nice. I can see that.

Oh, I can't wait.

Oh, no! What's going to happen?!

You just imagine, Lisa, it's two o'clock in the afternoon. I've just gotten out of bed.

Ohhh(!)

-Uh-uh! What do you want me to do?

-Just hold it.

Thanks(!)

Gross.

-You and me, Lisa. You and me.

-Oh, yeah. Bring it on.

-So, Lisa, your question...

-Yes.

-..comes from my good friend Doctor Who. It's Tom Baker.

Which is longer - a Curly Wurly or a Peperami?

Bleurgh!

-A Curly Wurly or a Peperami?

-Curly Wurly or Peperami. I think...

-I think a Curly Wurly might be longer.

-Let's find out.

I have a Curly Wurly, the most elaborate of all the chocolate bars, and a Peperami.

The answer is...Curly Wurly!

Bleurgh!

-It is! You nailed it, Lisa.

-Yay!

-It's so lovely to see Tom Baker. It really is.

-Yes.

-LAUGHTER

Well done, Lisa. That's the end of the first round. So what are the scores, Angelos?

ELECTRONIC WAILING

DANCE BEAT BEGINS

KILLS THE MUSIC

Angelos, control your rig!

That's the Mexicans for you!

What are the scores, Angelos?

Hang on. So then, Humphrys, you reckon you're the Mastermind?

Well, I reckon I'm the Mastermind. So let's have a go.

Here's me questions. Bung the music on.

MASTERMIND THEME

Angelos Neil Epithemiou, you have 30 seconds on your specialist subject - Things Wot You Get Up To.

Yes.

30 seconds starting now. In 2002, you buried something behind Terry's caravan. What was it?

-Kenny's whistle, Kenny's flute and Kenny's cat.

-Last week, you hid Terry's fags.

-Why?

-He was blowing smoke in my face. It drives me up the bloody wall!

When you left the house... BEEP

..did you lock the door?

Yes. No! Shit!

No! I didn't do that! No! Give me them!

-Angelos, Angelos!

-What?

-Don't go!

-What?

-The door will have to wait.

I don't have a door, actually. I come in through the tunnel.

-What are the scores, Angelos?

-Jack's got 1, Ulrika's got 3!

Vic? Vic?

What the hell is that?!

It's Philip, my buzzard. Don't frighten him.

He lost all his confidence after you assaulted him last time.

-He's got his confidence back just recently.

-What cured him?

Well, he's become a Christian. He gets a lot of solace from Christian fellowship.

He's had all the flooring replaced in his new house.

He's got that wood-effect laminate. It's not real wood.

Like he says, it's hard to tell the difference, though.

-You'd have to be an expert, wouldn't you?

-Yeah. He's really coming on.

-Oh, good.

Is that a toupee? Is he a bald eagle?

LAUGHTER

Give him a chance. He's trying to get his confidence back.

Oh, yeah. Would he like a chip?

Would you like a chip, Philip?

-He'd love a chip, yeah.

-Would he?

-Yeah.

There.

Why did you do that?

I hate his guts.

He's a terrible man, isn't he? I'm sorry, Philip. His confidence is shot to pieces now.

-The next round is the Clips Round. We'll show a clip...

-The next round can change someone's life for ever.

It's an extract from a new detective series called Ambrosia Road.

-Hello, sir. The victim...

-All right, Maureen. We'll take over from here.

All right. Yes, of course, sir.

Let's examine this corpse.

A cup of coffee, sir?

I don't want a cup of coffee!

-Are you ready, sir?

-I'm ready.

Are you ready, John? OK, play it.

JINGLE PLAYS

-Anything, sir?

-I don't know. Ask John.

Did you find anything, John?

-No. Do you mind if Barry has a go, sir?

-Be my guest.

JINGLE PLAYS

Find anything?

Nothing.

It's him.

-What have you got for me?

-Nothing, sir. We've hit a brick wall.

-Let me take a look.

LIVELY TUNE PLAYS

THEY MIME WHISTLING ALONG

Anything, sir?

-So, sir, what is it?

-It's just a big, long bag of bread.

-Thank God for that!

-Let's go back to the station.

-I'll join you, boys.

Oi, son! Get us a nice plate of biscuits and I'll take that coffee now.

APPLAUSE

So a clip there from the new detective series Ambrosia Road.

-I'll ask a question first to you, Team A.

-OK.

We've got the results of a celebrity autopsy. Look at your monitors where you'll see the celebrity autopsy.

Now, the clues as to whose autopsy it is are in the room.

Can you tell from those clues whose is the celebrity autopsy?

Have a look at their autopsy.

There's the torso. The arms and legs have been removed as they are in all autopsies.

At the bottom are the clues to who is that body.

There's a pair of Cuban-heeled boots, cigarettes and a lovely lady.

-Could that be his girlfriend?

-Naomi Campbell.

Why would you think it's Naomi Campbell? That's not her head. They're the clues.

-They're the clues, John.

-Who smokes Marlboro?

-Is it Simon Cowell?

-Simon Cowell? What do you say over here?

- I think it's Osama Bin Laden. - Oh!

LAUGHTER

-Are you all right?

-Yes.

-Your chair's broken as well. Have you got another chair for Brian?

I don't mind kneeling. Sorry, it's embarrassing.

-So, Brian, Ulrika, Scott... Are you OK?

-I'm fine.

-Who do you think it was?

-Scott said Simon Cowell.

-Why do you say Simon Cowell?

-Who is the lovely lady in the corner?

-Sinitta.

-It is Sinitta.

-Shall we find out who it is?

-Yeah.

-Go on then.

-It's Simon Cowell!

LAUGHTER

-So what are the scores, Angelos?

-Hold on.

-Oh, 'ey up!

Hello, Lisa.

-Hello.

-Listen, I know about you. All right?

And you hang out with Hollywood people and Clooney and all that sort of stuff. I know that.

Which is why I've got my teeth done today.

-Yeah, they're a good colour cos they're not too white.

-Yeah, I've got 'em just right.

Just because you've gone out with Clooney, it doesn't give you the right, OK,

-just to assume that you can bang me.

-OK.

OK? All right?

Just stay off it cos I've seen you looking over there in my office.

All right? I have got nothing to give you, OK?

Ulrika's my girl, even though she's on the turn. That's the sort of thing I like.

-So you leave it out.

-I'll back off.

-Yes, do back off.

-Any scores, Angelos?

-Yeah, all right. Jack's got 2 and Ulrika's got 4.

APPLAUSE

The next round is the Dove From Above Round,

so help me beckon down the beautiful, plump dove from above

and let's see what questions he brings with him this week. Come on!

-Come on down!

-Down he comes, his feathers glistening, spouting his bullshit, but no-one's listening.

Scott, choose a category from the Dove From Above.

I'll have Air, please.

Air. Your question's coming,

but first of all, watch this transaction that takes place at a boot sale

-and the question follows.

-OK.

-Hello there.

-Oh, hello.

-Is this your stall?

-Yeah.

-Have you sold much?

-A little bit, but not a lot.

-There's quite a lot of fanny here.

-LAUGHTER

But down to business then, yeah?

-Well, I think, yes...

-How much is that?

-50p.

-I'll give you 30.

-40.

-It's a deal. What is it?

-I don't know.

-I don't either, but I'm glad I've got it.

-I'm glad to get rid of it.

-See you then.

-You won't see me. Bye.

-Scott, that was a transaction direct from a boot sale.

-Yeah.

-I hope you were listening carefully.

Can you tell me what was my opening offer for the item I purchased?

-I think it was 50p.

-50p... Unlucky.

My opening bid was 30p.

Do I get a bonus point for recognising that it was a scene from the film Avatar?

LAUGHTER

-Are you OK?

-Actually, I have to admit I'm...

I'm feeling devastated because I didn't know that Simon Cowell had died.

But...

-No, Brian...

-But actually, now you...now I come to think of it, maybe I did read something about it.

Was he a member of Al-Qaeda?

No, no, no.

So, Lisa, would you like to pick a category from the Dove?

-I guess I'll have Pong, please.

-Pong. You'll have Pong.

That is Angelos's Variety Palladium. You'll see a performance by Angelos.

Take a look at this. The question follows.

-SOFT MUSIC PLAYS

-Thank you.

Just bung them on.

Hello.

Good evening.

DRUM ROLL

It's a kiwi fruit.

LAUGHTER

DRUM ROLL

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

-APPLAUSE

-Excellent.

Fabulous.

Wow, Lisa, wasn't that fabulous?

That was, of course, a kiwi fruit which is a kind of fruit... sport's ball.

But can you tell me, Lisa, what sport uses the smallest balls?

- I think it's ping-pong. - Table tennis? Is there anything smaller?

-What are you going for?

-Marbles.

-What?

-Marbles.

-Is the correct answer!

-APPLAUSE

Although, Bob, you play football, don't you?

Yeah, but the question was, "What sport has the smallest balls?"

Not "what sportsman has the smallest balls?"

So that's the end of the Dove From Above Round. What's the scores, Angelos?

Jack's got 3, Ulrika's got 4.

APPLAUSE

The next round is the final round. It's... What are you doing?

Jesus!

The next round is the...

-You haven't got anything to sprinkle on it?

-Salad or something?

-Yeah, it's a bit dry.

What about some cress?

There.

-Any better?

-Hmm, that's livened it up! That's beautiful. Thank you. Oh, terrific!

It's the Quickfire Round. Fingers on the buzzers. When the time's up, you'll hear this noise.

Steak and chips!

True or false... Fingers on buzzers. Graham Norton's wife is notoriously camera-shy?

-BUZZER

-Who is that? Humphrys?

-True.

-"True" is a correct answer.

-How many bartrels can you fit in a Dunlop?

-BUZZER

-That's Butterfield.

-I don't know.

Is the correct answer.

What is the average length of a quintrel?

-BUZZER

-That's Dee.

-It's four, isn't it?

-Yes, it's four.

True or false - if you sneeze, cough and fart at the same time, it's possible to reverse time?

-BUZZER

-That's Humphrys.

-It's certainly true.

-Of course it's true, John!

-Steak and chips.

-Whoa, whoa! Steak and chips, that's the end of the Quickfire Round.

What are the final scores, Angelos?

This week's winner is Jack!

-APPLAUSE

-Unlucky, Brian.

Well done. Well done.

Jack, you're tonight's winner and, Jack, I'm going to ask, in fact, insist

that you do the punishment tonight because it's a little beauty.

-Are you willing to take tonight's final challenge?

-You said "punishment".

-Well, yeah.

-Jack, it's the end game. Will you come and join me?

-All right.

-Jack Dee, ladies and gentlemen!

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you, Jack.

You'll immediately recognise this as a pram. Your prize is actually in the pram,

so the first thing I'll ask you to do is climb into the pram. Are you happy to do that?

Somewhere in the pram we've hidden...

Make yourself comfortable, Jack.

Somewhere in the pram, we've hidden a pound. You've got to find it.

If you find that pound, you'll win a very special prize. Here's Mr Reeves with details of that prize.

Here's the wonderful prize. You could win this fantastic creature.

It's a duglet, which we've bred for use in the brewing industry.

He really is a very cheerful little chap,

although I may say a little yeasty.

Right, now, you're going to have a limited amount of time to find that pound

and, as always, Jack, when it comes to our end games, there is a twist.

-Mr Reeves?

-Here's the twist, Jack.

-We've loaded your pram with dynamite, C4...

-Gelignite.

-Gelignite, nitrous oxide.

-The big four.

-The big four. It's gonna blow, baby. It's gonna blow!

-We'll light the fuse.

-What if I don't find the pound?

-We're going to give you a countdown.

-When we get to about five-ish, if you haven't found it, I would nick off.

-Get out quick.

-Jack, are you ready for us to light the fuse?

-Yeah, OK.

-Good luck.

-So I start looking?

-Yeah, look for the pound. It's going!

-For Christ's sake, Jack!

-Has he found it yet?

-I can't feel anything.

-It's in there somewhere.

-Has he found the pound?

-No, I can't...

-Search about and find it!

-Start the countdown.

VIC AND BOB: Ten, nine, eight, seven,

six, five...

-Jack, get out!

-..four, three...

-Jack, get out!

-..two, one...

Oh, my God, it really was!

-APPLAUSE

-Did you find the pound, Jack?

-He got the pound!

-He did find the pound.

-CHEERING

So he wins the beautiful duglet.

-He got a pound and a duglet!

-For use in the brewing industry.

Come and join us. Come on!

-Come on.

-Good night from Shooting Stars.

Oh, my God, well done!

# Goodbye from Shooting Stars Goodbye, whoever you are... #

Our special breeding programme allowed us to produce that beautiful duglet.

Don't try interfering with your own pet. We know what we're doing.

Good night from Shooting Stars!