Episode 5 Shooting Stars

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the celebrity showbiz quiz, Shooting Stars.

And here are your hosts for this evening, Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Hey, it's Saturday night and the monkeys are bouting

# One monkey look at the other one's girlfriend

# One monkey has a bottle One has a flick knife

# Monkeys are fighting Run for your lives

# So come along and let's start Shooting Stars! #

He's bonking monkers, it's Ashley Banjo!

ROFL, it's Sam Fa-hai-haiers!

Ulrika-ka-ka-ka-ka!

Jack Dee's Discount Warehouse of Plywood.

Britain's got Tarrant!

Yey-hey!

And finally, Ronni "I've got the jump leads" Ancona!

Boom!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, hope you enjoyed our budget performance of the West...

-What you doing, Vic?

-I'm just pumping up the feed for our guest.

-Pumping up the feed?

-I'm pumping up the feed.

SHE SCREAMS

-Oh my God.

-It's coming through, Vic.

It's coming through. What is it?

-It's feed. Guest feed.

-What is it made of?

-I don't know, I didn't ask.

-It don't matter, does it?

-It don't really matter. Don't matter.

Don't eat it! It's got to harden.

Thanks, all, for coming, welcome to Shooting Stars. There's somebody missing, he keeps the scores.

Let's have a round of applause for Angelos!

MUSIC: "Single Ladies" by Beyonce

-Angelos.

-Yes, yes, my angel.

I've got to ask - Mr August 2011. What's that about?

Yes, well, I won that for being the best-looking bloke

down my spelling club, so...

-Well done.

-I'm over the moon. I won £5, as you can see, thank you.

So you going to keep the scores for us, Angelos?

Yes, all right, thank you, just stop going on about it with all that.

It's a load of red tape, innit, round here?

-It's hardly the Kremlin, Angelos.

-What?

-Red tape - it's hardly the Kremlin.

-I know.

Do you know what the Kremlin is?

It's a small furry thing. If you feed it or get it wet after midnight,

turns into a goblin.

APPLAUSE

First round. First question is to you, Ashley.

-Ashley Banjo, thank you so much for coming.

-Thank you.

-You're leader of the dance group Diversity.

-Yeah.

Do you know the little fella with the curly hair

and the glasses that you throw about when you do that - is he your uncle?

-No.

-Who is he, then?

-He's my fellow crew member.

-Big shout out to the whole crew!

-Yeah, nice one!

No, big time, big time.

Ashley, true or false -

if you combined a shih tzu and a labradoodle, you would get a shit-a-doodle-doo?

True.

-It's true!

-Yes!

Sam. Sam Faiaiaier.

Sam, now, what's that programme you're in?

-The Only Way Is Essex.

-The Only Way Is Essex?

-BAD ESSEX ACCENT:

-Wha'ssall tha'about, then?

-Wha'ssat all abaht?

-We don't talk like that.

-Hey, steady!

-Angelos! Careful, watch out for him. He has a tendency.

Sorry, OMG.

Sam, I'm going to ask you a question now

but I'm going to have the question delivered to you

-by our good friend Archie Andrews.

-Archie Andrews, you're in for a treat, Sam.

He's a very close friend. And he's going to deliver the question to you.

EERIE MAGICAL MUSIC

There. I think he's there. Take the question.

-And the question's on there.

-What is that!

-What?

-That is disgusting.

-What?

It says, "what is a spork?"

but there's also a picture of a willy on there.

-I beg your pardon.

-Terrible man, Archie.

-So what's the question?

-What is a spork?

-Well, what is a spork?

-A spoon and a fork.

-A fork and spoon?

-A fork and spoon, yeah.

-BAD ESSEX ACCENT:

-It's a fork'n spoon!

I'm sorry, Sam, the answer is actually it's a fork and a spanner.

So you can have your dinner

and do your work under the sink at the same time.

-It's a spork.

-No, I think I'm right.

-You think you're right.

-I've heard of it before.

-You think you are but you ain't.

Ulrika. Lovely to see you, you're looking gorgeous tonight.

Ulrika, my angel!

I haven't forgotten about you, my sweet, sweet darling.

I have got you this gorgeous chain here.

It's in a presentation box.

-It's lovely, that.

-Yes, it is lovely, Chris. Thank you.

Stay out of it, all right?

And this, right, this chain links my heart to your heart.

But give it back at the end cos it's also my bog chain, OK?

So I will need it back.

Ulrika, I'm going to ask you three true or false questions -

quick-fire, bang, bang, bang.

See if you can get them all in ten seconds, point for each one. You ready?

Ulrika, true or false - Donald Trumps?

-True.

-True.

True or false - racism is the new black?

-True.

-False.

True or false - sausage dogs contain only 35% meat?

-True.

-False. One point. One point there, Angelos.

-One point.

APPLAUSE

Jack,

with your face like a buttered Henderson.

-Mmmm.

-Mmmm.

-Mmmm, tasty.

With your face like a basic equation.

With your face

like a hobo's minge.

How do you talk to me like that when you turn up like that? Look at you.

-What?

-Look at the state of you.

-What?

You look like a dummy from a charity shop window.

Right, Jack, I'm going to give you a question, anyway.

Jack, true or false - the cappuccino, the cappuccino

was invented when a prawn fell into a cup of coffee and farted.

-It's true?

-True or false?

-I'll go with true, then.

It's actually false. What they really do is they drop an alka-seltzer in

and just wait for the magic to happen.

-Chris.

-Hello.

-So, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Can I just ask you?

HUMS COUNTDOWN THEME

Could I just ask - apart from winning £1 million,

what's the point of that show?

-It's mainly to make me rich.

-I should think so!

-There's no other real reason.

-Chris, have a question.

-OK, I'm ready.

Chris, can you name - look at your monitor - can you name the celebrity baby?

It's a bonnie baby competition.

It's not... Is it Andrew Lloyd Webber?

Let's find out.

It is, well done!

APPLAUSE

Ronni!

Ronni Ancona!

Oh, Ronni, Ronni.

HE MAKES GRUNTING NOISES

Ronni, now that we're going out with each other,

I'm really willing to pump quite a lot of money, my money,

into your looks.

-You know?

-Thank God.

-You will be moving into the flat with me.

-Yeah.

Anyway, Ronni, what'll happen - come with me, now.

-Ronni, come out here.

-It'll be all right.

It won't just be you and me in the flat.

There will be someone else sharing the flat with us. This is...

This is Captain John Longcock,

who will be sharing the flat with us. Come here.

Get to know each other.

Gaze into his eyes, because...

# And he's my lover

# He's my father and my brother

# He don't say much but he's got a tender touch

# He touches you

# And he touches me. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's it. You two will get on fine.

John! John! Leave it, get off her! Get in your basket.

-On your basket.

-Adieu, John!

-And he's your new live-in lover, is he?

-Yes, that's Captain John Longcock.

Ronni, true or false - there's no point in reading a book

because if it's any good, it'll be made into a film.

-True or false?

-Definitely true.

-It is true!

-Well done, Ronni.

-Well done.

-Thank you.

That's the end of the first round, so what are the scores, Angelos?

PUMPING DANCE MUSIC

-So then, Mr Banjo.

-What's up, mate, you all right?

-Yeah, I'm OK, are you OK?

-I'm good, mate.

Nice one. I like what you're wearing.

I like all the gear and all that stuff and that hat you got on your head there.

-Thanks, mate.

-What do you think of the jacket? You like it?

# You can't touch this. #

-Do you understand what I'm saying?

-Sorry, mate.

-Respect is due.

Jack's got one and Ulrika's got two.

Next round is the Clips round.

It's for both teams, so both teams take a look at this clip.

The question follows.

-Buh - buh - buh.

-Do what?

-Bih.

-Eh?

-Buh.

-Who is it?

-Hih.

-What did you say?

-Gih - buh.

-Eh?

What a delicious and juicy ripe peach.

Tell the costermonger who supplied this delicious

and juicy ripe peach to attend upon me.

Oh! The King is cured!

The King's peach has cured him!

Fetch the costermonger!

Here he is.

And you are?

I am the costermonger, upon whom you called upon to call upon you.

My...love.

Great. What I shall require is a constant supply of these

delicious, juicy, ripe peaches for ever.

I'm afraid no, sir. That was the last of the batch in the kingdom.

Buh-buh-buh - bollocks.

The King's Peach, there.

The question - and we'll take your answer first, Team A -

is we're all acutely aware that the peach is one of the hairy fruits.

But can you tell me, what is the world's hairiest fruit?

What's the world's hairiest fruit?

-World's hairiest fruit?

-Don't know - kiwi?

-Kiwi, good guess.

-What did you say, Sam?

-Kiwi, coconut?

-Kiwi.

-No.

-What are you saying, Ronni?

-There's a fruit that's a very furry fruit.

-Is there a very furry fruit but you can't remember its name?

-No.

Is it Louie Spence?

Shall we just go for the furry fruit?

-You're saying it's the hirsute fruit?

-Slash kiwi.

-Slash kiwi.

-Ulrika's team - Chris? Ashley? Hairiest fruit?

-Is it the kumquat?

-That's smooth!

-That's what it's called, isn't it?

-That's real smooth!

-Have you never seen a hairy kumquat?

-I've never seen a hairy kumquat,

-they're all smooth!

-I like that.

-Is it hairier than a coconut?

-Miles hairier than a coconut.

-That's a nut.

I'm going with the kumquat.

-What's the answer, Vic?

-The answer is the rambutan.

-The rambutan.

-And here they are.

The hairiest fruits.

I'll just hold them there so you get... There they are.

It's not the coconut, but by way of illustration,

had you said coconut,

because the coconut, of course...

Oh!

What's up, Vic?

It just reminded me of my old headmaster.

That's the end of the Clips round, so let's find out the scores,

but more importantly, let's find out what's in your bag, Angelos?

# What's in your bag, Angelos?

# Tell us what's in your bag you bastard

# A piece of fish and a little purse

# and a Romanian gypsy curse. #

Nice bag.

Spooky.

Spooky, spooky.

Hello, Ronni. Welcome to the show.

I loved you in The Two Ronnies.

-Here's a little card for you.

-Thank you.

-Read it out.

-OK.

-"Hello, Ronni. You are definitely a bit of all right and stuff."

-Yes.

"But it ain't never going to happen with me,

"so stop staring at me like a nutter."

"I am still bangin' to Ulrika,

"and it would do her head in if I stuck it somewhere else."

"PS, will you do your Chris Eubank impression for me?"

Oh, Ronni, please.

OK, I will.

IMPERSONATING CHRIS EUBANK: First and foremost, I'm a boxer.

Boxing, money, in the ring, everything, bang, bang, bang, boom, wallop.

Juggernaut. Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-What are the scores?

-Jack's got one and Ulrika's got three.

Ulrika-ka-ka!

High five. High five.

-Right, ladies and gentlemen, let's...

-Bob!

-Yeah.

-Are you wearing a wire?

-Oh, of course not.

-You're wearing a wire.

-A wire!

-What's this?

-It's nothing.

-It's a wire.

-No, it's part of my costume, Vic.

-What do you think you're doing?

I'm not doing anything!

Why are you wearing a wire?

I don't know nothing about it, Vic. I never seen that before. No way, man.

What's this? A surveillance van?

Banjo, you were sitting here? Why did you not say anything about this surveillance van sitting here?

You useless buttery fart!

You didn't say anything, what is it? Who's in here?

Ahh!

Squirrel surveillance, I might have guessed.

SLAPPING SOUND EFFECT

SLAPPING SOUND EFFECT

-Sorry, I didn't know...

-Bob, how did they get to you?

-Why did you let them get to you?

-They gave me this.

-What is it?

It's a map showing where the nuts are.

I'll take care of that.

You know you mean so much to me.

Ahh!

The next round is the Dove round.

So, ladies and gentlemen, if you could all help us beckon down that beautiful Dove From Above.

Come along, Chris. Sing it down.

COOING NOISES

And what a beautiful lady she is.

-Ronni, pick a category from the Dove From Above.

-Movie.

Movie, what a very good choice.

It's a simple question, Ronni.

Ronni, what happens at the end of The Italian Job?

Oh. Right, yes, well, they're in the truck...

is hanging over the cliff edge,

and then the gold is balanced in such a way that basically...

Well, you're wrong.

I'm afraid the answer is, at the end of The Italian Job,

the Italian wipes his arse.

It was a cheap ending.

I'm so sorry, Ronni. I'm so sorry.

Ashley, pick a category from the Dove From Above.

Going to have to be Urban.

Urban. It's Angelos's Variety Showcase.

Watch the performance closely, the question follows.

If you're ready, Angelos.

ROMANTIC STRING MUSIC

DRUMROLL

FANFARE

DRUMROLL

FANFARE

APPLAUSE

Nice one, Angelos.

Angelos, so where's the bird, then?

That would be telling.

Ashley, your question.

How many celebrities can you think of with bird-related names,

such as John Parrott?

I'll give you a point for each one.

-Sheryl Crow.

-Nice.

-Sparrow.

-Oh, Jack Sparrow.

-I'll give you Jack Sparrow, yeah.

-The Penguin, from Batman.

-That's three.

-The juices are flowing now, come on.

I'm going to stop you there, that's not bad. I'll give you three for that.

You could've had Russell Crowe, John Bird, George Seagull,

Jennifer Thrush or that blackbird who got killed in Silent Witness.

Well done, I'll give you three for that.

Sam, would you like to pick a category from the Dove From Above?

Well, bedding. It's the only one left.

You'll have to go for bedding. Bedding, there it is.

Right, Sam, have a look at this film of two well-known people who've recently got married.

Look at them.

Hello, I'm William, or Bill, or, as Her Royal Highness likes to call me,

Bilbo Baggins, because I've got rather baggy bollocks for my age.

Anyway, as newly-weds,

we'd like to know how often we should wash our bedsheets.

I say it's once a year.

But I say once every five years,

as long as you have a tin of Febreze by your bedside table

for use during the very final year.

-And may I add that both Kate and I are medium soilers.

-Yes.

There you are, Sam.

How often should you wash your bedsheets?

-Is that like an actual question?

-Yeah.

-It is a question, yeah.

-Not a trick question?

-No.

-Are you asking me?

Yeah, I'm asking you, how often do you think you should wash your bedsheets?

-I think...

-And it's official.

-Once a week?

Once a week? Do you do it once a week?

Do you do it or do you get your servants to do it?

-Or your mam.

-If I don't do it, Mum does it.

-BAD ESSEX ACCENT: Your mam does it. Course she does.

-I don't even talk like that.

BAD ESSEX ACCENT: I know you don't!

Right, once a week.

Let's find out and see what the Royal Highnesses have got to say.

Well, the answer is you need never wash them

as long as you give them an occasional wipe down with...

What are those things we keep beside the bed? Dishcloths?

Dishcloth, I think.

You need never wash them.

Just give them an occasional wipe down with a dishcloth.

That's the end of the Dove round. So what are the scores, Angelos?

-Jack's got one and Ulrika's got six!

-OMG.

Wow!

APPLAUSE

BRASS BAND MUSIC

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG

BOTH: Oi!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next round is the final round - the Quick-fire round.

-We don't know how much time we have but when the time's up you'll hear this...

-'Oh, no, you don't.'

Fingers on your buzzers. Sam, fingers on your buzzer.

True or false -

Madonna's starting to look a little bit rough now?

LAUGHTER

True or false?

-BUZZER

-That's Ashley.

False.

False - no, I'm afraid it is true,

-and it all started after she married that Shane Ritchie bloke, didn't it?

-Yeah.

All went downhill from there.

Two of the three blind mice were disability benefit frauds.

-Who's that?

-True.

-True.

True - although they were in fact blind,

they also claimed for dodgy backs.

True or false - loose women have buckets stood by just in case

the women get too loose.

BUZZER

-Sam.

-False.

-It is false.

True or false - given a hard enough tug,

an elephant's trunk can extend to 20 foot long.

BUZZER

-That's Ancona.

-True.

-It is true, yes.

True or false - popular boy band Westlife

were named after Fred West.

LAUGHTER

-BUZZER

-That's Ulrika.

-True.

-Of course it's true.

'Oh, no, you don't.'

That's the end of the Quick-fire round.

APPLAUSE

So what are the final scores, Angelos?

Well, Ulrika is tonight's winner with nine points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Ulrika, Ulrika, ooh-ooh. #

Ulrika, you're the winning captain, it falls to you to decide

which member of your team - could be you - should take the final challenge.

-Shall we make it Chris?

-No, let's make it him!

-It's up to you.

-Banjo.

-Chris Tarrant, come join me to play tonight's final challenge.

It's going to be something horrible.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I really don't trust you, Reeves, and I don't trust you, Mortimer.

Tonight, Chris, you're going to play Crouching Tramp, Hidden Pound.

Not that old favourite!

As always, Chris, there's a prize to be won, and here's Vic with details of tonight's prize.

Well, if you win tonight, you could win

this pork chop and KY jelly.

Oh, great!

-Thanks. I'm getting low.

-What you do with it is up to you.

-What you'll have to do...

-There's a horrible smell here.

It may be me, but... What is that?!

I think you're about to find out why, because in our box here,

we have Captain John Longcock.

It's Captain John Longcock and in there is a pound.

We don't know how much time we have, but when time's up, you'll hear this...

Ha ha ha ha - PMSL.

What you're going to have to do, is get inside there with John.

-You're having a laugh, oh, no!

-We're going to ask you to just climb in.

Get in there and find the pound! There's a pound in there.

-I don't want the pound!

-There's a pound in there!

APPLAUSE

-Shut it! Shut it!

-One pound! One pound, get in.

I'll get you for this.

If at any time during this... Get in there, Chris, you've got to face it.

-Hello.

-Get in there, Chris. Go on!

-You're very smelly, if I may say so.

-Find the pound.

-If at any point the attentions of John Longcock prove too much for you...

He gets a bit randy in enclosed spaces.

# Looking deep into your eyes

# I want to tell you that you're where my future lies

# I never knew love could be so real... #

-John, what are you doing?

-There's no pound.

He gets a bit saucy in enclosed spaces. He hasn't been out in his field for a while either.

Ha ha ha ha - PMSL.

-PMSL! That's the end of it.

-You can come out now.

Did he find the pound?

Well, he failed to find the pound so he failed to take away the pork chop.

-Well done, Chris.

-Oh, thanks.

Good night from Shooting Stars!

# Goodbye, from Shooting Stars Goodbye, whoever you are

# Doo-bee-doo-doo-doo Doo-bee-doo-doo-doo

# Goodbye, once again from Shooting Stars... #

John is now secured inside his cage

where he can do no harm...

until he returns home to resume his courtship with Ronni Ancona.

Goodbye!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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