Episode 6 Shooting Stars

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the celebrity showbiz quiz Shooting Stars.

'And here are your hosts for this evening, Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer!'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Whey!

BOTH: # Did you hear about the terrible shipwreck

# No survivors, a bulletin said

# But there on the horizon kicking like a bastard

BOTH: # A floating meringue with a hat on his head

-# Puff Daddy

-# Swimming from the shipwreck

-# Puff Daddy

-# Kicking like a good 'un

-# It's Puff Daddy

-# Nibbling on a Mars Bar

BOTH: # How the hell does he float

# When he's wearing that coat?

-Yeah!

-BOTH: # So come along

# And let's start shooting stars

-# Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

-Yah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-It's Micky Flanagan!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Code name Dr Bananas, it's Mani!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, yes, it's Ulrika.

She'll buy any car-car-car-car

-car-car-car-car-car!

-APPLAUSE

The Jack Dee Sausages For Sailors Appeal.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Charlie "How's your hernia?" Higson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And finally,

for your observation and assessment,

-Tamzin Outhwaite!

-BONGOS BEAT

APPLAUSE

Careful.

Good evening, ladies... Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

boys and girls, and welcome to Shooting Stars.

-LAUGHTER

-Oh!

-Do you need any help there, Vic?

-If you wouldn't mind.

-Of course!

-LAUGHTER

Just hold her there.

BIRD SQUAWKS

LAUGHTER

And that's the easiest way to obtain an egg.

-LAUGHTER

-Vic, not just the easiest way, but the only way.

I've been in all the suburbs of Johannesburg and confirmed this.

-LAUGHTER

-That's our egg requirement sorted out,

but where's the man who'll keep the scores?

He's over there by the beef burgers!

BOTH: It's Angelos Epithemiou!

RAP BEATS

# Show respect, I'm Angelos E

# And I'm gonna tell you how it's gonna be

# I don't care if you come from Mars

# Sit back, relax, watch Shooting Stars

# We got Ulrika, the beauty, the gorgeous Swede

# And the Jack, the grump what's permanently peed

# Together here, as you can see

# With a varying degree of celebrity

# But your hosts tonight are thick as thieves

# Ladies and gentlemen, it's Mr Mortimer and Reeves!

Thank you! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, Angelos.

-Ahh.

-Angelos!

-What?

That was really something, that song.

Yeah, whatever. Respect is due.

-CARTOON-STYLE FANFARE

-Whoa!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Lovely to have you on board, Angelos.

-Team B here. Micky, nice to see you.

-Nice to see you.

-Comedian, of course.

-Yep.

-But you haven't always been a comedian.

-I have.

-Have you? Oh, right.

-They just made me do other stuff.

-But you've done other stuff.

-You've been a fishmonger.

-Porter.

-Fish porter?

-Yeah.

-You were also a dishwasher.

Yeah. I know people laugh about dishwashers, but when I was a dishwasher,

the boss, I was in America as a dishwasher, he came over to me and he said,

"Micky, I know you don't think this is an important job,

"but you're like the kitchen's asshole."

LAUGHTER

"If you stop working, this place is finished."

LAUGHTER

And if you think about it, that's right.

And then you went to Hollywood, of course,

where you played a gynaecologist in the mini-series Clam Club.

-Yeah.

-Clam Clinic.

Oh, Clam Clinic! I do apologise.

-LAUGHTER

-Clam Clinic.

-Happy days?

-It was fantastic. Yeah, there are so many openings for you out there.

-LAUGHTER

-Micky, here's your question. True or false?

True of false - Dog The Bounty Hunter is allergic to coconut?

LAUGHTER

-True or false?

-I would say no. How could he hunt for Bounties?

He's not allergic to coconut. Sadly, ironically, his dog is.

LAUGHTER

-Mani! Now then, Mani, you are a keen trout fisherman.

-Indeed I am.

-Aren't you?

-Yes.

-Sometimes I wake up in the morning thinking about you and your trout fishing.

And I imagine you catching a trout.

So I did a sketch of you and this is how I see you when you've caught a trout.

LAUGHTER

I find that to be mildly erotic.

This is how I picture you.

And I think I'm probably quite near the truth.

I may be a little overdressed, but...

TRUMPET FANFARE

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Yes.

APPLAUSE

That's how I finish off my fantasy.

-LAUGHTER

-By blowing one off?

Yeah. Anyway, Mani, I'm going to give you a question in a minute,

but first of all, I'd like you to meet a young friend of mine.

-Archie Andrews.

-Oh, it's Archie!

Archie's got a little present for you. He's going to walk towards you with a present. Here he comes.

MYSTERIOUS MUSIC

LAUGHTER

There's Archie.

-Got a little something for you.

-Should I take it?

-Have a look, yeah.

HE LAUGHS

IN AMERICAN ACCENT: Hi, Mani, I'm Archie Andrews.

I'm just a two-bit pornographer, but hey, we've all got to make a living, right?

Anyway, here's your question, asshole.

LAUGHTER

True or false - Ulrika has a little Johnson.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Er, judging by this photograph, I would say that is so untrue.

-LAUGHTER

-That's not her.

-Oh, right, sorry!

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Goodbye, Mani.

-Goodbye.

-Forever.

-Forever.

-Archie Andrews, the tiny little pornographer!

APPLAUSE

Did you enjoy meeting Archie Andrews, Mani?

-Not as much as I enjoyed having this to add to my rapidly-expanding collection.

-Put that in your wallet.

It's in there.

Ulrika-ka-ka-ka.

LAUGHTER

-Ulrika! Lovely to see you, thanks for turning up once again.

-Ulrika.

Sorry, Mortimer. Ulrika, I bought you some shoes

that I would very much like you to have and I'd love you to wear them.

They mean a lot to me. They used to belong to my grandmother

and they were the only pair of shoes that she owned.

-So I want you to have them.

-What, Angelos, did she leave them to you in her will?

No, she's still alive. She can't go outside.

-It's a nice thought, Ulrika, isn't it?

-APPLAUSE

True or false, Ulrika - Alan Sugar is actually 30 percent Canderel?

LAUGHTER

-I reckon that's true.

-It is true!

-And ten percent sea salt, which came as quite a surprise to his wife, Chocolene.

-Choclene.

Choclene. Just a detail Vic wanted me to include.

LAUGHTER

Jack, with your face like...

-ROCK MUSIC

-# Wolverine

# Cutlery for fingers

LAUGHTER

-Suit yourself.

-LAUGHTER

With your face like a "Not Tonight Henry".

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Jack...

-LAUGHTER

-I don't know how you can talk to me like that every week.

-I do.

You're nothing to me. You know what you are?

To me, you're like a safari park chimp...

-LAUGHTER

-..jerking himself off...

-Oh!

-..on the bonnet of my car

when all I want to do is have a nice day out with the family.

-That's what you are to me.

-I'm sorry that that happened.

LAUGHTER

-APPLAUSE

-And I've apologised.

-Spoilt the day.

-And it will never happen again, but you left your address.

-Yes, it will.

-LAUGHTER

-Charlie! Charlie Higson, ladies and gentlemen,

-author, comedian, it's an absolute privilege...

-Who?

-Sorry?

-Who is he?

-Charlie Higson.

-Fast Show, that sort of thing.

-LAUGHTER

Charlie Higson, author and, er, comedian,

-it's such a privilege to have you on here today.

-It's just fantastic fun to be here.

-I'm glad.

-The coloured lights and the music

-and the singing and the dancing.

-Yes.

-I'm really having a huge amount of fun.

-LAUGHTER

-Charlie, here's your question.

Have a look at your monitor and can you identify the two celebrity fathers of this baby?

LAUGHTER

It's a bonny baby competition, Charlie.

-Whoever you are.

-LAUGHTER

They look like the eyes of Jedward. The beard... Well, it could be Ricky Tomlinson.

-You've got the right city with Tomlinson.

-Is it a Beatle?

-Don't know.

-Yeah, it's Ringo Starr

and, erm... Oh, it's Chris Evans.

OK, well, let's find out.

-LAUGHTER

-Half right. Give him half a point, Angelos.

-Tamzin!

-LAUGHTER

-VIC LAUGHS

-Tamzin.

-LAUGHTER

-Oooh, Tamzin.

Look, I'm a multi-instrumentalist

and I've created a piece of music for you using all the instruments in the orchestra.

-Do you want to hear it? It's in four or five movements.

-Yeah.

-OK.

-Let's start with the guitar.

-LAUGHTER

COINS RATTLE

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm going to move straight onto the second movement.

HE PLAYS WOBBLE BOARD AND GRUNTS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Have you sabotaged it?

-No, I haven't touched it!

-The problem is in your performance. You should do the keyboard.

-Yeah, do the keyboard.

-Good luck.

-Tamzin, if you could help me out with this, it'd be a great help.

-If you could play that note there...

-SHE PLAYS NOTE

-Keep playing it.

-And I'll play...

-HE PLAYS CHORD

So you just keep doing that and I'll do that.

SHE SCREAMS

-LAUGHTER

-Oi!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Very good.

I really don't know why I bother.

Sometimes I really don't. We're through!

-Thank you!

-Unlucky, Vic. But I think she's still reasonably keen.

-LAUGHTER

-That's the end of the first round,

-so what are the scores...

-BOTH: Angelos!

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Angelos!

-What?

-Hold your horses.

-Hm?

-What's that bag on the end?

-This one here, you say?

-Yeah.

-Oh, this is my bag for life. Oh, yes, yes.

-Bag for life?

-Yes.

-I've got a bag for life.

-Have you?

-I married her!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You've... That's quite a commitment, Angelos. Quite a commitment, bag for life.

Yeah, well, I'm bang into the environment. It's better for the environment.

-Oh, you're not still banging on about the environment, are you?

-Mortimer, can I ask you a question?

-Yeah.

-Can I ask you a question?

-Yeah.

The world is on its arse. LAUGHTER

-Well...

-LAUGHTER

-That's not a question, Angelos. It's a statement.

-What?

-It's just a statement.

-Do you want me to rephrase the question?

-Yes, please, Angelos.

The world is on its arse? LAUGHTER

-What's the scores, Angelos?

-Er, Jack's got one, Ulrika's got one and a half!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-The next round is the... Oh, whoa.

-Check me out.

-I am checking you out. What's that hardware on your eyebrows?

-Wow, it's my new piercings.

-Tell me you're not having anything else done.

-I'm getting a G-clamp on my chin,

an Allen key in my ear,

for routine maintenance,

-nuts and bolts here, everything, all sorts.

-Oh, don't.

-Hey, you like that, check out the back.

-You what?

-Check that out. Go on, have a look.

-What is it?

-You like it?

-Yeah. Does it work?

-Yeah. Go on, give it a go.

TOILET FLUSHES

LAUGHTER

-WATER TRICKLES

-Oh, Jesus.

LAUGHTER

I haven't had the downpipe put in yet.

No, you haven't, have you? You might have said that before I flushed it.

The next round is the Dove From Above round so I'd like to ask all our contestants

to help me beckon down that beautiful, plump dove from above!

-Down she comes!

-THEY COO

Her beady eye. Is that a vajazzle between her thigh?

-LAUGHTER

-Plump dove from above.

-Micky!

-Hello.

-Micky, choose a category from the dove from above.

-Erm, can I go for tight, please?

-You're going for tight.

It's a good choice. It's the club singer question.

-Mr Reeves, who should be seated, oh, there...

-Here I am. Hello.

-There he is.

..will sing a song in the club style. Can you guess what song he's singing?

Can we have a beat, please, Angelos?

HE SINGS UNINTELLIGIBLY

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Any ideas what that was? Come on!

# Doesn't matter if it's wrong or right

Ah! # Doesn't matter if you're black or white

-Yeah, definitely Michael Jackson.

-You reckon?

-What song was it you were singing?

-It was In The Summertime by Mungo Jerry.

-LAUGHTER

-Well, ladies the gentlemen, let's hear that song sung properly

in the style of one of the members of the Last Of The Summer Wine team.

LAUGHTER

# In the summertime when your trousers are tight

# And your knackers get crushed when you're riding your bike

# In the summertime, you've got trou-trou-trousers on your mind

# Take 'em off, set 'em free, pull your undies up nice and high

# Take 'em off, set 'em free and pull your undies up nice and high

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Tamzin, would you like to pick a category for the dove from above?

-Brothers 1, please.

-Brothers 1, right.

Tamzin, could you tell me, what is the name of Ed Milliband's brother?

His name is David.

-Is the correct answer.

-LAUGHTER

Or you could've had

his other brother The Steve Miller Band!

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-HONKING

-He's here all week!

-LAUGHTER

-I'm here all week!

-He's here all week!

-I'm here all week!

-THEY LAUGH MANIACALLY

-Don't forget, it's adults only.

LAUGHTER / HONKING

Charlie! Charlie Higson, I've got you a little present.

-Oh!

-Not often we do this, but Charlie Higson!

Jesus! So, Charlie,

just because you made the effort to come tonight, we've got a nice little present.

-It's actually some delicious homemade sausages.

-LAUGHTER

"This is mainly dog dirts. And I don't want to appear ungrateful.

"And they're nice to me. I hope he doesn't ask me to try one."

-Would you like to try one, Charlie?

-LAUGHTER

"I suppose I have to. I hope he doesn't want me to eat more than one."

-Go on, take a couple, Charlie.

-LAUGHTER

Oh, hold.... Oh, Charlie, I'm so sorry.

Vic, is this something to do with you?

-What?

-Look at that! Is that something to do with you?

-Yeah.

-Well, explain yourself.

Well, I saw the box in the room and I presumed it was your potty, so I've been using it all day.

-I've been busy.

-You've been very busy, haven't you?

-Yeah, I've been very busy, actually.

I'm really sorry about that, Charlie. Maybe you could just run them under the tap or something.

They might be OK.

-"I suppose I could take them home and fob them off on the wife."

-LAUGHTER

Charlie! Pick a category from the dove from above.

The one I wanted has gone, so I'll go for cream.

Cream! It's a good choice, Charlie. It's Angelos's variety showcase.

Watch carefully, the question follows. If you're ready, Angelos?

VIOLIN MUSIC

DRUM ROLL

FANFARE

This is single cream. LAUGHTER

This is a funnel.

LAUGHTER

DRUM ROLL

FANFARE

HE PLAYS TOM TOMS

60s MUSIC

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

DRUM ROLL

FANFARE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-That's how it's done!

-And that's how they make butter these days.

Now, Charlie, your question comes directly from Angelos.

Charlie! That was a demonstration there of how to turn cream into butter,

but can you tell me, Charlie, what is the hottest part of a cow?

LAUGHTER

Er, shall we say the intestinal tract?

I don't know, let's ask her. LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Ooh!

BOTH: Ooh!

-You don't mean that, Angelos.

-No, I don't mean that at all.

What is the hottest part of you, Ulrika?

-Charlie, can you help?

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's how she gets them! She knocks them out.

-It's all hot.

-God, that was hot.

-She's still got it, Angelos.

-I know she has, and I want it!

LAUGHTER

Right, well, that's the end of the dove round,

so what are the scores, Angelos?

Mani, just a quick word with you, if you wouldn't mind.

-Can I just ask you, looking at you, as you are...

-Yeah?

..do you need to borrow some money?

-I do, mate, yeah.

-LAUGHTER

-All donations gratefully accepted, my friend.

-Here's three quid. Get your hair cut.

-Cheers.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-What are the scores, Angelos?

-Jack's got two, Ulrika remains with one and a half!

APPLAUSE

-Thank you. Thank you very much.

-Vic?

-That was our version of...

-Vic?

-What? Oh!

-Oh, stop it!

-No! Not that thing again!

-Yes, it's Phillip the buzzard.

-Parrot.

-It's a buzzard, Vic. Why do you have to treat him that way?

-I'm sorry.

-You know all his problems are because of the way you treat him.

-You know, his confidence is at its lowest ever.

-Has he been to see a psychiatrist?

-Yes, he has, actually. Do you want to know what they said?

-If you want.

-Well, they said that, deep down, Phillip wishes he was a larger, more powerful bird, you know?

-Yep.

-One of the big birds of prey, golden eagle.

-Yeah.

-I can help him out there.

-You could help him?

-Yeah.

-Oh, that's really kind.

SPRAY CAN RATTLES

LAUGHTER

-Golden eagle.

-HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

LAUGHTER

Thank you very much. What a terrible man.

Let's move on. It's the final round. It's the quick-fire round. We're against the clock.

When the time's up you'll hear this noise.

Will you stop that racket? LAUGHTER

Are you ready on the buzzers? True or false, Bear Grylls?

LAUGHTER AND BUZZER

-That's Jack.

-True.

-It is true. Of course he does.

-Who's that?

-BUZZER

-Higson.

-Simon Cowell.

-Correct.

-LAUGHTER

David Van Day invented the DVD

but what did Vera Duckworth invent?

-BUZZER

-That sounds like Mick.

-Gonorrhoea?

-Yes, VD, of course.

-Who's that?

-BUZZER

-Higson?

-Simon Cowell.

-Correct.

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

Cornettos, true or false,

-Cornettos are actually unicorn shit?

-LAUGHTER

-BUZZER

-It's Jack again.

-It's false.

-It is false.

-Who's that?

-BUZZER

-Higson.

-Simon Cowell?

-Correct.

-LAUGHTER

Will you stop it with that racket?

It's the end of the quiz, so what are the final scores, Angelos?

Jack's got four and Ulrika's got two!

-APPLAUSE

-Jack! Unlucky, Ulrika.

Well, Jack, as tonight's victorious captain, it falls to you

to choose a member of your team to take tonight's final challenge.

-Who's it going to be, Jack?

-Er, Tamzin, I think.

-BOTH: Tamzin!

Tamzin, will you come and join me for tonight's final challenge!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Come on, my darling.

-He just called me Tazmin.

-He did, yeah, I know.

-Tamzin.

-Tamzin, you've been selected to take tonight's final challenge.

And as always with our challenges, there's a marvellous prize on offer. Here's Mr Reeves with details.

Tonight, Tamzin, should you be successful, you win this fantastic prize.

It's a half an hour drive around St Albans

with Puff Daddy in his new Citroen Berlingo!

-CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

-In his new Citroen Berlingo.

Now, let's just check. Puff, it is a new Citroen Berlingo, isn't it?

Well, it's got, like, 7,000 miles on it, but we good, you know, it's still a new model.

There you go. Thank you, Puff. If you'd like to watch proceedings.

-And he's ready with his keys.

-Yeah.

-And he can take you round St Albans.

The challenge is a little bit frightening but relatively simple.

You'll need to put your hand through this hole, and using the sense of touch alone,

identify which animal it is you're touching. Now...

-LAUGHTER

-Now, Tamzin,

be careful, the big fellow, be a little bit gentle with him.

But he's got a muzzle on so you're absolutely safe, so if you'd...

-Are you ready, Mr Reeves?

-Yes, I'm ready.

He's ready. If you're ready, can you put your hand through and identify

what animal is behind the hole.

Off you go, Tam.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

-Weird!

-Weird, isn't it? It is an unusual beast, yes.

-LAUGHTER

-What's that?

-What is it?

-Is it some form of dog?

What is it, Mr Reeves? Thank you Taz... Tamzin.

-It's a duglet!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Has been used in the brewing industry, but is now used in the preparation of washing up liquid.

You've earned that date with Puff Daddy.

Ladies and Gentleman, that is Shooting Stars!

-Goodbye!

-Come on!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Come and join us.

# Goodbye from Shooting Stars # Goodbye whoever you are

Thank you, Puff.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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