Balcombe's Funeral Siblings

This programme contains strong language.

I can't believe Mr Balcombe's dead.

It's like, one minute you're just a normal 86-year-old guy,

lying in your hospice bed, and the next - you're dead.

-I am seriously pumped for this funeral, though!

-What?

Obviously, I'm sad, too. I mean, I loved Mr Balcombe.

But it will be great to see the old drama club again.

That's true, I haven't seen any of them since Mum made us

quit the club because it was giving us too much self-esteem.

What was that, 12 years ago?

I can't wait to see how everyone's changed. Who's losing their hair?

Who's still jealous because I got the most lines in every show?

Who's life has gone to shit?

-He's being cremated, isn't he?

-Yeah, I think so.

OK, cool. And we just, like, watch. We don't add wood or anything?

Add wood? What are you picturing exactly?

You know, like they used to do to witches, that kind of thing.

He's not being burned at the stake. When they cremate

someone they basically just put their body in a big pizza oven.

How do you not know that?

Give me a break, Hannah, it's my first funeral.

I'm still...learning the ropes.

What if I cry too loudly? Or not loudly enough?

I should've practised crying!

Dan, your crying's going to be awesome.

Now, let's go rock the shit out of this funeral.

BELL TOLLS

Hannah!

Hi. Sorry, do I know...

It's me, Debbie! From Drama Club. We did, like, seven shows together.

You and your brother got into a fight over

a yo-yo at my 10th birthday party and smashed my cake.

Everyone used to call me Flebbie.

Oh, my God, Flabby Debbie! You look so different.

I have had a teeny bit of a make over.

I dyed my hair, new wardrobe.

Yeah, and you're not fat any more!

So, what are you and your non-flabby arms up to these days?

Well, I'm an actor.

Oh, wow - you kept going with that stuff?

I'm actually putting on a one-woman show.

It's about a bored housewife who has a secret affair

with a bored housewife.

I wrote it myself. You should come. I can get you tickets.

Erm... No. Thanks.

-What?

-No, I'm sure your show's fine.

But I just have absolutely no interest in seeing it.

Wow, you really haven't changed.

Thank you! I'll see you inside.

He was a good man.

Thank you, thank you. Do take a seat.

I'm sorry for your loss. Your dad was a great man and an inspiration.

Thank you.

His drama club was so special. It changed lives.

That would have meant a lot to him.

Taught me a bunch of cool tongue-twisters,

"To begin to toboggan, first buy a toboggan". It was brilliant.

I actually had a dream about him last night.

I was back in the drama club and

Mr Balcombe was there, but he was a spy.

He didn't say it, but you know how you just, like, know stuff in dreams.

And then he was like, "Everybody get out, it's a chemical attack!"

And so I kick in the windows and get everybody out.

And I'm running.

And it's me, your dad and a guy who works in a cafe near where

I live - he's there for some reason -

and we're running and running and we get to a big field and then...

..I woke up.

OK. Well, if you'd like to take a seat.

Also, I got you something. Sort of a condolence present.

I know it won't go all the way to replacing your dad,

but I hope it helps.

Um, also, I opened it and played with it a little bit

and I kind of broke the left ear.

I am sorry for your loss.

THEY SING A HYMN

This is my programme, get your own.

I spilt Diet Coke on mine.

Where did you get Diet Coke from?

I brought some just in case, do you want one?

Yeah, all right.

Is that a poncho?

Yeah, I told you, it's my first funeral,

I don't want to be underprepared.

I've also got a torch, some baby wipes and a pocketknife.

Oh, my God, it's Adam Piper.

Who's Adam Piper?

He was in our drama club, remember?

His parents split up and he emigrated to New Zealand.

Can't believe he's here! He was my first kiss.

And you were so bad he fled the country?

Shut up! It was fucking magical.

It was the year we did Peter Pan, literally the last night.

I was waiting in the wings to go on for my solo and he just came

up behind me, whipped me around, kissed me and then just walked off.

That was your first kiss?

That was the last time I ever saw him,

his mum picked him up as soon as the show finished.

It was the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me,

or probably anyone.

Adam.

Pst, Adam.

Adam!

Amen.

'Right, I'm going to go'

track down Adam Piper. I WISH I'd known he was coming to the funeral,

I would have worn something sexier.

Aren't you kind of making too much of this? It was just a dumb kiss.

It was my first kiss, Dan.

It's an incredibly formative experience in a girl's life,

like the equivalent of a boy's first wet dream.

-Yeah, but...

-I mean, he was sort of my childhood sweetheart.

Imagine if he hadn't left the country?

We'd probably still be a couple.

We'd be doing cool couple shit like getting brunch and having sex

and Photoshopping each other's faces onto pictures of dogs.

-What?

-OK, I'm going in, wish me luck.

Oy, oy, Danny Boy!

-Wahay!

-Holy shit, Jack! I didn't know you were coming.

Mr Balcombe was a fucking hero, I wouldn't miss this for the world.

-What time's kick-off?

-The service literally just ended.

Oh, bollocks. Me and Sheriff stopped off for a bit of breakfast,

met this stonking waitress.

Must have lost track of time.

Wait, Sheriff's here?

Yeah, mate, he's right behind you.

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

Looking good, Danny boy! You've turned into a right gangly prick.

I had a big growth spurt when I turned 16. And 18.

I think I might still be growing.

Mate, we were going to sneak in a cheeky pint before the wake.

Ease the pain and all that. You in?

Yeah, sounds good.

Let's go. Come on, piggyback, you lanky prick.

Adam, hi!

Oh, hey, Hannah.

It's great to see you. I can't believe you're here!

I flew in overnight.

I just felt like I couldn't miss it, you know?

Mr Balcombe was like a second, less judgmental dad to me.

Yeah, sad. Still, we have got a lot of catch up on.

How's New Zealand, for God's sake? Have you ever met Peter Jackson?

Just once, yeah. But New Zealand's good.

I'm actually studying to be a Reiki instructor.

What's Reiki?

It's a form of holistic healing, that uses natural

vibrations from within the universe to remove unhealthy energies.

Oh, so it's one of those scam things,

like acupuncture or psychiatry.

No, believe me, Hannah, Reiki is the real deal.

I once saw a woman with osteoporosis literally forward roll

out of her session.

Well, I'm still not sold. But maybe, while you're in town, you could try

and convince me? Over a kiwi juice, perhaps?

I'd love to, but I'm heading back tomorrow.

My flight's first thing.

You can't be leaving already! I mean, you only just got here.

It could be another 12 years before I see you again.

Yeah, I know, it's a shame.

It would have been really cool to catch up.

But listen, if you're ever down in Auckland

and you need someone to align those chakras, give me a call.

There is nothing better than that first, cold sip of your third pint.

-Cheers, Danny boy.

-Cheers.

-So, you guys came together?

-Yeah, mate.

When we heard the news, we thought, let's make a thing of it, you know.

A sort of Tour de Grief.

Send Mr Balcombe off in style.

I hammed it up a bit, I got a week's sympathy leave off work.

What do you do?

-I'm an estate agent.

-Gay.

-What do you do, Sheriff?

-I'm a lettings agent.

Anyway, I got my suit dry-cleaned, hopped in Sheriff's Audi.

We've been driving and boozing for the last six days.

I can't believe we're all grown up. Sheriff, you've got a missus.

Jack, you take stuff to get dry cleaned. It's amazing!

-What you up to, Dan?

-Not much.

-I live with my sister and I went to prison for a bit.

-Fuck off!

-What, for real?

-I mean, I was only there for a couple of months, but...

I always knew you were mental, Dan.

Remember when we were doing Aladdin and, Dan, you jumped off the

lighting rig with the flying carpet and you broke your elbow.

THEY LAUGH

Sometimes I still feel shooting pains when it's cold out.

Fucking brilliant.

Excuse me lads, would you watch my stuff for me?

Nipping to the toilet.

Do you know what'd be weird, Dan?

If you ate that old dude's roast while he was in the bathroom.

Really? I mean, that would be weird.

He'd come back and he'd be all, "Where's my roast run off to?"

He'd probably shit his head off.

That'd be so fucking funny.

Yeah, all right. I'll do it.

-Gravy.

-Gravy.

-Gravy!

-Gravy!

-Gravy!

-Gravy!

-Gravy!

-Gravy!

-Gravy!

-Gravy!

-Gravy!

-Gravy!

-Gravy!

-Gravy!

-Gravy!

-Gravy!

-Gravy!

-Gravy!

Yeah!

You're a legend, Dan.

Legend of the Dan.

All right, Hannah.

Where have you been?

And why are you covered in... What is that?

Oh, it's just gravy.

I went for a drink with Jack and Sheriff.

Oh, God, not those idiots.

They're not idiots! Sheriff's a lettings agent and Jack

got off a drink-driving charge by pretending someone spiked his drink.

Whatever. I've bigger fish to fry.

Adam Piper's going back to New Zealand tomorrow morning.

And that's a bad thing because?

Adam Piper wasn't just my first kiss, he was The One Who Got Away.

I've had an Adam Piper-sized itch for the last 12 years

and just when I finally get the chance to scratch it,

he jets back off to Middle Earth.

I'm not spending another 12 years wondering what might have been.

So what are you going to do about it?

Well, I guess I don't have a choice.

I'm going to have to seduce him at this funeral.

-I kind of feel like you DO have a choice.

-Shut up.

Oh, look at them, having a wicked time with the family while I'm stuck over here in Dickhead Corner.

-This is not Dickhead Corner.

-All right, dickheads!

Hey, guys! I was just telling Hannah about your Tour de Grief.

Yeah, yeah - we were in Brighton last night.

Ended up tagging along with this mental hen party.

You would not believe how much snizz you get

when you play the bereavement card.

Obviously, I've got a missus, so I couldn't do anything out of line.

Just went back to the gust house and knocked one out.

It's really great to see you guys again, too.

Excuse me.

Do you know what'd be weird, Dan?

If you put one of your balls in that ramekin.

Do you think?

Oh, mate, that'd be classic.

Everyone would be like, "Mm, does this mustard taste like scrotum?"

Yeah!

No, don't! What is wrong with you?

I cannot believe the potential love of my life is

leaving for another hemisphere in 16 hours

and I'm stuck in fucking funeral Siberia with a gulag full of idiots.

THEY SNIGGER

Where are you going?

I'm going to go sit next to Adam Piper.

Let the seduction begin.

And don't do the ramekin thing.

Mate, do the ramekin thing.

Oh, Legend of the Dan.

Hey. What's happening, peeps? Debs, could I have quick word?

I was just thinking, maybe we could swap seats?

Why? What's wrong with where you're sitting now?

Nothing, I just thought maybe we could mingle.

You know how parties are.

Well, it's not really a party.

OK, what's it going to take to get you to swap?

I've got £15 and a Kit Kat Chunky?

Come on, Flebbie, I know you've got a sweet tooth.

You know, I'm all right here.

Fine.

OK, what if I promise to see your show?

Really? I think you'd love it!

In the third act, you find out that the housewives have both

been dead for six years so...

Oh, my God. No, I'm sorry, I can't. That just sounds terrible.

Oh, that's better.

Um, Adam, you know that Reiki stuff you mentioned.

Do you think maybe you could give me a little demo?

-Yeah, I'd love to! Face this way.

-Yeah.

Oh, my God, I feel better already.

The great thing about Reiki is, you can do it anywhere.

I mean, with a blood transfusion, you've got to go to a hospital.

I can just do this on the bus.

Excuse me, Hannah. Hi, sorry, could you possibly move your chair?

Er, no, it's OK, I'm fine here.

Yes, but you are blocking the way a little, so if you wouldn't mind...

Ugh. Yeah, fine. Sorry.

Thank you.

That's better. Sorry. Where were we?

Excuse me.

-Sorry, I thought...

-Could you please just...

Absolutely.

Hannah!

Oh, come on!

Please go back to your seat.

Otherwise, I'm afraid I might have to ask you to leave.

Fine, I'll move.

But only because I respect your dad too much to make a scene.

This old man shit is fucking sweet.

Oh, my God, I wish I could get one of these for the flat.

You should, mate. Owls are fucking sound, yeah?

Hannah would never let me.

She doesn't like nocturnal animals, she says they're devious.

You should do what I did when I wanted a 65-inch plasma.

I just asked the missus for a 98-incher

and then bargained my way down.

And that worked?

Let's just say, when I watch Match Of The Day now,

I can practically feel the spray tan dripping off Lineker's face.

That's genius.

You know, I was sort of freaking out this morning, about the whole

inevitable death thing.

But hanging out with you guys has just been great.

I'm so glad you came.

Whoa, hold up, boys - we've struck gold.

No wonder Balcombe lived so long, he was a walking medicine cabinet.

Do you know what'd be weird, Dan?

If took all these meds.

Fucking hell, that'd be weird.

Uh, I guess that would be weird. Might also be a bit...

..very dangerous?

Mate, it's medicine, how sick can it make you?

I could do something else weird?

I could put my balls on more stuff?

-We've already done that, it's not weird any more.

-Come on, mate.

What happened to Legend of The Dan?

Adam, I think you need to come upstairs.

I think I felt some bad spirits.

-Spirits?

-Yes, spirits, energies, vibrations - whatever.

Can you just come and take a look?

Right.

What's the, er... What's the problem?

Oh, nothing, I just thought I'd rescue you from Flebbie.

Besides, our Reiki session got cut short, I thought

it'd be nice if we...caught up.

I mean, we do have so much history together.

Look at the two of us, all grown up.

I'm a young, modern, sexually-independent woman.

You're a...

..hotshot Reiki instructor.

Well, I'm still technically just studying to...

Whatever. The point is we're older, wiser, we're like two...

..succulent plums.

We've been out on that branch, in the hot, hot sun.

And now we're finally ready to be plucked.

Oh, my God.

The Wizard of Oz. That was my first show with the club.

My parents came to opening night and I was so nervous.

I sweated off all of my lion face paint.

Mr Balcombe was reapplying it

and I said I didn't want to go on any more and he said,

"The reason I chose you as the Cowardly Lion

"is because I know all you

"need is a tiny bit of courage and there'll be nothing you can't do."

And I went out there and I smashed it.

My parents loved it.

Pretty much the only time they stopped fighting for long enough

to agree on something.

And it was all thanks to Mr Balcombe.

Aw. No, come on. Come here. That's it.

Let it out.

Let it out.

OK, right. Pink one next.

These are for your old kidneys.

How're you feeling, Danny boy?

All right.

My head's a bit fuzzy and I've sort of got an erection, but...

OK, I can't even pronounce these ones,

but apparently the side effects

include "Dry mouth, loss of smell and acute muscle stoppage".

Bon appetite!

Time to say adios to your glaucoma.

Oh, shit, it's the missus.

I'm going to have to take this, the kids are on half term, they'll be doing her head in.

I should check in with the office. My boss is away. Technically,

-I'm in charge of the fucking place.

-Wait, you guys are leaving me?

Don't worry, Danny boy, I'm just going to deal with this.

But, you're going to take all of these, yeah?

Dan, you're a legend.

Legend of The Dan!

Wow, when I stepped onto the plane in Auckland I definitely

wasn't expecting anything like that to happen.

I know, but it felt so right, didn't it?

Like scratching a deep, universal itch.

It was...amazing.

You know, part of me always knew this would happen one day.

-Really?

-Yeah. I mean, it's the classic love story.

Boy meets girl, boy kisses girl, boy moves to New Zealand, boy

comes back from New Zealand for a funeral, boy and girl reconnect.

What do you mean? We never kissed.

Yeah, we did.

No, I'm pretty sure we didn't.

Yes, we did and it was magical.

It was the last night of Peter Pan and I was waiting in the wings

and you came up behind me and whipped me around and kissed me.

No, no, I missed the last night of Peter Pan. I had food poisoning.

No, but I remember...

You mean, it wasn't you I kissed?

No. But, better late than never!

I guess the universe has a way of working these things out.

It's like my Reiki master Zander always says...

DOOR SHUTS

Heh.

I can't believe I just had sex with Adam Piper.

I thought that's what you wanted?

That was before I found out he wasn't the one who kissed me.

He wasn't my long lost love,

he's just some twat talking about vibrations.

So you're done seducing people?

No way, I've come too far to quit.

Someone in this room is The One Who Got Away

and I'm going to find out who it was, today,

otherwise Mr Balcombe died for nothing.

What's wrong with you?

My left side's just a bit, uh,

numb.

Me, Jack and Sheriff found a bunch of

Mr Balcombe's medication and we all took some.

Well, I took some and they watched, but...

we all loved it.

Oh, my God.

Are you all right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't worry about me, I'm fine. Seriously.

Oh, hey, Hannah. How's it going?

Excuse me, hi. Do you remember kissing me when we were 12?

It was in the wings during Peter Pan.

Don't just say no, think about it.

You, me, Peter Pan.

This is a long shot, but...

Hannah, great news! I pushed back my flight home!

What are you talking about?

I was thinking maybe I could crash at your place for a few weeks?

-No, absolutely not.

-But I thought we...

Like you said. We have a special connection.

No, we don't, we definitely don't.

I mean, I thought we did for, like, ages. But it turns out we don't.

I just spent £2,000 on a new plane ticket.

I don't even have anywhere to stay.

Adam, I'm kind of busy right now, OK?

It was really great seeing you again. I think the Reiki stuff sounds like a crock of shit,

but, you know, good luck with it.

I don't know, maybe it's just the whole occasion getting to me.

Or it's the two-dozen pills I just took,

or the nasal spray,

or that one suppository,

but I just feel like maybe...

I'm ready to die.

Not now, but one day.

Surrounded by the people I love.

And maybe a monkey as well.

That's is such a great point, I've never thought about it like that.

Exactly.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

I'm sorry, Hannah, I mean, maybe we kissed.

But, like I say, I can barely remember the show.

Well, maybe if we kissed now, that would jog your memory.

What if it was such a good memory, your brain repressed it.

I'm not sure that's how it works.

Look, just trust me.

No, no, Hannah - I've got a girlfriend.

So what? This isn't a sex thing.

It's like when a farmer tosses off a horse to sell that

stuff to other farmers - he's not into it, he just has to do it.

I have to do this.

Oh, my God!

What is going on here?

She's trying to kiss me and won't take no for an answer.

Hannah, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

You're kicking me out of the funeral?

Yes. Now, please leave.

You can't do that! That's like kicking someone out of a baptism.

I mean, that did happen to me once, but it was totally the baby's fault.

Frank, Sam, could you please just...

No, guys, guys! I'm just trying to find The One Who Got Away!

Ow! Does that mean nothing to you people!?

Danny Boy!

How's it going, mate?

I'm OK. I finished the pills.

Oh, shit, the pills. I totally forgot about that. Good job.

Thanks.

Everything I look at is covered in purple spots,

but I like the colour purple, so it's OK.

That's the spirit, mate.

In a couple of days, when my ears stop ringing,

you guys should definitely come round to my place.

It'll be just like the old days.

We could order pizza, call 999 and pretend we've been kidnapped.

No can do, I'm afraid. Taking the missus to Venice for her birthday.

Ten days of eating risotto and fingering her on a gondola.

Things are getting pretty hectic down at the estate agent.

-Gay.

-What about tonight?

Sorry, mate, we're jumping in the Audi as soon as this thing's over.

Real life, Danny Boy, it don't stop.

It's like a gangbang of responsibilities,

they just keep coming and coming. Oh!

Do you know what'd be weird, though?

Please, don't make me do any more weird stuff.

I don't want to drink lighter fluid, or stick a fish knife up my arse.

Nah, I was going to say it'd be weird if you came to Cheshire with us next month.

-My dad's having a hernia op, we're going to swing by.

-We're hiring a barge.

I love going for a poo on a boat, it makes me feel dead flashy.

I would hug you guys, but both of my arms have gone completely dead.

Let's get you a couple drinks, that'll sort you out.

Dan! Dan!

Tell them I'm not crazy! I'm just on a mission!

-Dan!

-Hannah, we're going on a barge.

Next, Debbie, who wants to say a few words.

Thank you.

I see a lot of faces here from drama club

and I know you'll all agree when I say Mr Balcombe

was a true inspiration.

It's because of him that I became an actress, which is why

I'd like to take this opportunity to perform a brief extract from

my one-woman show - The Scandalous Tribulations of Penelope Forsythe.

Hannah?! What is this? I told you get out! Frank, Sam!

No!

If you guys throw me out again,

I swear to God I will drop-kick both of you in the dick.

I had to go 11 houses down before one of your neighbours

believed me when I said I was the garden inspector and let me in.

I've climbed several fences, crawled through a bramble bush,

lost a shoe and stepped in a lot of different types of animal shit.

So I think I've earned the right to say a few words.

It was 12 years ago.

It was the last night of Peter Pan.

I was in the wings waiting to go on.

Somebody whipped me around, kissed me and walked off.

It was the best moment of my life

and I want to know - which of you fuckers was it?!

Mate, that was fucking Dan.

What? No, it wasn't.

Yeah, it was, we dared him to do it.

Dan...?

Why would you do that?

They said it would be weird.

Legend of the Dan!

But why didn't you say anything?

I didn't want to ruin your funeral.

So you're telling me, basically,

the best moment of my life,

my whole sexual persona,

is based on a kiss with you?

THAT is fucking weird!

Sorry.