Burrito Neighbours Siblings

This programme contains strong language.

MAN SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

Hannah, this kitchen is a tip.

I thought we agreed you'd do all the housework and I'd, you know...

not?

-Sh. I'm busy.

-No, you're not.

You're just watching that boring Dutch show again.

First of all, the show's Swedish.

Secondly, Styckningen is not boring.

It's a taut, psychological drama about weird sex murders.

My favourite kind of murders.

I think you might be addicted.

Just because I watched 26 episodes in three days and briefly

considered buying a catheter does not mean I'm addicted.

Well, either way, this place is falling apart.

There weren't even enough clean cups.

-Is that my gymnastics trophy?

-Yeah.

Couldn't use one of mine, could I? Because I don't have any.

But thanks for rubbing that in.

DOORBELL

DOORBELL

-Who is it?

-It's that dude from downstairs...

-Shit, what did you do?

-What do you mean?

I've made a real effort not to engage with any neighbours

in case they turn out mental, or ask for favours.

-He must be here to tell us off.

-Well, I haven't done anything.

I mean, I did start leaving food down by the communal bins,

but that was just to attract foxes.

Guys, I can hear everything you're saying.

I'm not going to tell you off.

What can we do for you, neighbour?

Hi, Gavin, Flat 28.

Sorry to bother you guys, but I've got to ask a favour...

See what I mean? Never engage with these people.

-No offence, Gav.

-It's just that I'm dashing off to the airport,

and I really need someone to feed my fish while I'm away...

Gavin, it would be an honour to feed your fish.

They're like my fifth favourite animal,

after elk, all birds,

Pokemon and, of course, humans.

Cheers, mate, you're a life-saver.

Come on, what are neighbours for?

Now, let's talk payment...

My girlfriend was meant to watch them but we had a huge bust-up

just cos she caught me sending dick pics to her yoga instructor.

Women, eh? Can't live with 'em, can't cheat on 'em.

Yeah, it'll be all right.

I'll sling her some perfume from duty-free,

that usually smooths things over.

The thing is, I couldn't miss this business trip.

Representing the firm out in Dubai.

My mate Pete was meant to go, but then the prick got ME

and I was like, "Sorry, pal.

"You snooze, you lose."

Gavin, this place is incredible!

It's like the Batcave had a kid with the Playboy Mansion.

Cheers, mate. Cost me a bomb.

Check it out!

"And who do we have here?"

"Pleasure to meet you, Mr Bond. I am the beautiful...Vagina Tight."

OK, easy there, Danny.

Those are one-off 50th anniversary figurines.

Seriously, with all this cool stuff, you must be happy the entire time.

Well, it doesn't hurt.

But these little ladies, they're my pride and joy.

Snowball Antlers, the Ferraris of the sea.

Come all the way from Rio Negro, in Venezuela.

You've got to replicate the environment to the dot,

just to keep them alive.

The right pH, good algae levels.

If the temperature changes just two degrees, then...

-Dan, mate, you listening?

-Yeah, I'm with you...

-Cool.

Now, setting the hydrometer can be a little fiddly,

-so do you want to come take a look?

-Yep.

But, FYI, this chair has sort of given me an erection.

Just a heads-up...

Oh, come on, Bjorn! Don't go into the abattoir, you twat!

Whoa, are you all right? You took one hell of a tumble there.

Oh, my fucking burrito!

I mean, what kind of idiot leaves a bin in the middle of the street?!

Easy, Miss Burrito. You've got to be more careful on your phone.

My cousin lost an arm crossing the road and texting at the same time.

She was looking for the thumbs-up emoji and a motorbike wiped her out.

-Kind of ironic.

-Well, I wasn't texting, I was watching Styckningen.

-What's that?

-Oh, my God, you've never heard of it?!

It's this gruesome Swedish drama about this girl who gets murdered

and her family grief counsellor might be the serial killer.

Listen, I was about to take a break from busking.

Let me buy you a replacement lunch, you can tell me all about it.

Um, maybe? What kind of busker are you?

I mean, like, aspiring musician or recently homeless?

Ha, aspiring musician.

In that case, that sounds nice.

-I'm Hannah.

-I'm Bryn.

-Broon?

-No, no, it's Bryn.

Bryn.

Sorry, I don't know if it's your accent or because

I recently fell over, but I cannot understand what you're saying.

It's Bryn.

Hmm...

Don't worry about it, Miss Burrito.

-Come on.

-Broon?

-No, it's Bryn.

So me and him had lunch and he's like maybe the coolest guy ever.

Seriously, he's got tattoos, he used to be in a band, and all

the clothes he wears are either way too baggy or way too tight.

-Doesn't sound like your usual type.

-What do you mean, my "usual type"?

Not weirdos... just, really weird guys.

Like...that one who insisted on watching Stomp twice a week?

Or those whack-job twins who pretended to be one person.

Sam and Scott were actually a really nice guy, OK?

Look, all that matters is that Bryn is fit and a musician

and super into me.

He even invited me to an open mic gig he's doing tonight!

Cool, well, if it works out maybe he can give me

-a guitar lesson some time.

-Are you sure Gavin said you could use his

-place whenever you want?

-Yeah!

I mean, he didn't literally say those words, but he implied it.

-What did he say?

-"Here are the keys, I'll see you in ten days."

I'm just reading in-between the lines.

Plus, this is the only way I can properly protect those fish.

I'm sort of a 24/7 fish-bodyguard.

That's absolutely not a thing.

Hannah, look at this place.

I'd be an idiot not to abuse it.

There's even a Jacuzzi in the bathroom!

At least you're fucking up this guy's flat instead of ours.

I'm not going to fuck this place up.

Now, if you'll excuzzi,

I needs more Jacuzzi.

GLASS CRASHES

Fuck, this is so cool.

I'm meeting a cute guy for a date at an open mic night.

I'm finally making the most of my 20s!

That's the same thing you said the first time you tried salted caramel.

-Where did you get that jacket from?

-Oh...

Gavin's wardrobe.

That thing is way too small.

I know, but it looks wicked.

Plus, I found 25 quid in the pockets

and a bunch of sweet-ass business cards.

Gavin Mulkai - associate solicitor.

Miss Burrito! Glad you made it!

Who's your man?

I'm Gavin.

This is my brother...Gavin.

-I sort of brought him along as protection.

-Protection?

Basically, I ended up watching, like, 12 more episodes of that show today.

It's great, but it seriously fucks with your head.

I got worried you might turn out to be a psycho cannibal pervert,

like Dr Holmqvist.

Well, I have done some wild shit in my past,

but I promise I won't kill you and eat you.

That's all I needed to hear.

In which case, I'm going to head to the bar,

and buy £25 worth of Pringles.

You kids have fun.

-Gavin seems nice.

-Gavin's an idiot.

Nice, you ride a crotch-rocket?

What's that?

Just saying, sweet bike jacket.

You seen the new Ducati? Those things are absolute beasts.

God, yeah, the Ducati.

It's like riding a big dick... with wheels.

Still, nothing like hopping on and getting the adrenaline going

after ten hours glued to the fucking FTSE, right?

HE LAUGHS

-Sorry, Rob.

-Gavin Mulkai - associate solicitor.

Ah, Parker Osborne?

I'm with HR Schrader.

Didn't we work with you guys on the RBK flotation?

Oh, yeah! Of course.

I did not think that thing was going to...float,

but, you know, when it did...

I was over the moon.

Listen, let me get you a drink, Gavin, you've earned it, mate.

Yeah, I HAVE earned it.

Liquid larceny drips from the slathering jaws

as the flowers stare blankly and say nothing...

Fucking hell, I feel like my heart's having a heart attack.

-Feel that...

-Oh, wow.

And you're sweating through your beanie too.

Are you sure you don't want something to drink?

I really shouldn't.

I'm just not used to gigging without the rest of Wolfdude.

-What's Wolfdude?

-Oh, that's my old band.

-How come you left?

-The lifestyle was killing me.

You go to a new town, booze all day,

play the gig, do a bunch of coke,

shag someone, snort some heroin so you can get a bit of kip in the van.

Then rinse and repeat.

Wow, that is some seriously cool rock'n'roll shit!

Trust me, Bryn, you're going to be fine tonight.

You think so?

Definitely! Everyone else here is just some pathetic wannabe.

You've been there, done that, got the T-shirt,

sold the T-shirt to buy more heroin.

You're going to be great!

Cheers.

APPLAUSE

Shit, I'm up.

Before I start, I'd like to dedicate my set to a very special lady...

Miss Burrito.

That's me!

I'm Miss Burrito!

# Oh, God, my saviour

# My rock, my staff

# On hallow ground he came to pass

# You opened my eyes

# And raised me up

# Yes, I believe in Jesus... #

I'm like "Whoa, whoa, whoa, Judge,

"how can my client have done those murders

"if I was on the yacht with him the whole time?"

Then the judge says,

"Gavin, mate, you're the best lawman I have ever seen.

"This trial is over."

And, I shit you not, he high-fives me.

The whole place goes ape-shit.

Wow, I didn't even know commercial solicitors

-dealt with murder trials.

-The good ones do.

By the way, guys, if any of you ever get accused of murder,

don't worry, I'll sort you out.

Mates rates.

-Cheers.

-Yeah, all right!

GLASSES CLINK

# Yeah. #

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

That was a bit rough.

No, they just didn't get it.

To be honest, I sort of didn't get it.

You did keep mentioning God.

Are you seriously a Christian?

Well, I've only been on it for three months, but, yeah, I am.

I thought you knew. I mean, didn't you notice all this?

Yeah, I just assumed it was, like, dumb Russell Brand stuff.

No offence, but you seem way too cool.

You're fit and you swear and stuff.

It's not weird for you, is it?

No, come on, Christianity's like the vanilla of beliefs.

You can still go out with girls, right?

I'm only up as far as Corinthians,

but, yeah, I'm pretty sure that's fine.

In that case do you want to go grab a fro-yo?

I mean, if your God allows it?

THEY SPEAK OWN LANGUAGE

Bryn, if you don't pay attention,

you're not going to see what they find inside the girl's cavity.

Sorry, it's Paxton. He plays bass in Wolfdude.

He won't stop texting me, keeps begging me to rejoin.

What, and you told him no?

I'd love to go back, but I'd only end up in trouble again.

That whole scene is bad fucking news.

From now on, the only drug I need is God's love.

And methadone.

Tell him you're too busy watching Scandinavian people

get murdered with your awesome girlfriend.

Anyways, I'd better make moves.

I've got a Bible study meeting at four.

Bryn! How's my favourite Christian?

Yeah, good, man.

Cocktail party, my place, tonight.

Get your holy ass down there.

Cool.

Cheers, Gavin.

I'll call you later, Miss Burrito.

What do you want, Dan? Why aren't you down at Gavin's place?

I just came to give you an invitation.

Having a little soiree at mine tonight.

-Dan, you can't just throw a party at this guy's flat.

-Why not?

You're abusing his trust and it's totally out of order and...

Is there genuinely a free bar?

Yeah, found the keys to his drinks cabinet.

And four of his watches.

Dan, you're turning into the shit Mr Ripley

and it's getting kind of creepy.

It is not getting creepy.

Who's up for some Gavin-tinis?!

Cheers, Gavster.

MUSIC PLAYS

Hey! Here's the happy couple!

What's all this about?

Thought I'd make a bit of an effort, you know, for the party.

-I think it's a sharp look.

-Thanks, Bryn!

Can I get you something to drink?

I've made my own special cocktail for tonight -

it's vodka mixed with rum,

with a splash of wine just for flavour.

Oh, I'm sort of off the booze.

Don't worry, dude, there is some OJ in the kitchen.

You know, out of all the losers you've been out with,

I think Bryn is definitely my favourite.

Yeah, he's really great. We've spent all week together.

The only thing is... we haven't, you know...

taken it to Pound Town.

What?

Yeah, well, we kiss and stuff but every time we get near

the main attraction, he just calls it off.

I'm really scared he might be hiding a misshapen penis or something.

Well, I believe it was Jean-Jacques Rousseau who said,

"Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet."

Gavin's got a book of quotations in his bathroom.

I've been having a flick through in the Jacuzzi.

Maybe this Gavin thing isn't so terrible?

I mean, you're reading books, dressing better

and those fake glasses are actually all right.

Oh, they're not fake, they're real. I found them in his bedroom.

To be honest with you, this whole place is a blur.

-OBJECTS CLATTER

-Sorry!

Mum? You made it!

Your message said it was a dire emergency.

Oh, yeah, no, that was just a lie.

Good lord, Hannah, you haven't called me here for nothing?

I had to cancel a Thai massage.

I could be dripping with essential oils as we speak.

I didn't call you here for nothing.

I want you to meet my new boyfriend. Hey.

This is my mum. I was just telling her how great you are.

It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm Bryn.

Broon? Did he say his name was Broon?

-Hey, Mum! What are you doing here?

-Why are you dressed like...

Actually, I don't care. Could you get me a vodka and anything?

Ah, we're actually running a bit low on vodka.

I used it all in the Gavin-tinis.

I can fix you something.

On tour we'd run out of booze all the time.

I can make something to get

you hammered on pretty much just cranberry juice and Listerine.

Well, Hannah, maybe this one isn't a total write-off.

Come on, Broon, come and fix me a proper drink.

I count that as a win.

-MUSIC PLAYS

-Now these fish are very exotic.

All the way from...

..somewhere very exotic, I want to say Africa?

But they're very delicate, like underwater croissant.

If the temperature changes even two degrees then they will...

..explode.

That's how come they're so rare.

I think we should slow down.

Come on, Bryn, don't give me blue balls.

I've had three Gavin-tinis and I'm feeling mega-horny.

Let's just call it a night.

What, again?

Why don't you want to have sex?

Have you got a misshapen penis?

What is it, crooked?

Upside down? Super thin?

What? No, my penis is fine. If anything, it's great.

I just feel like we should hold off.

I mean, God's pretty strict on the sex stuff.

But, does not it say in the good book, "Do unto others"?

So, come on, Bryn. Do unto me.

OK, Miss Burrito. I'll be honest with you.

The only reason I don't want to do it is because

I just found out I got into Bible college.

So what? That sounds like fun.

Well, not fun, but you know what I mean.

The thing is, it's actually a two-year course. And...

..it's in Inverness.

What?!

You're moving to Scotland for two years?!

Why would anyone do that?!

I mean, what about us?

We can still see each other - it's only nine hours on the train.

Nine hours on the train? Do I look like a fucking Victorian?

Look, I think this could be really good for me.

I've done some shit I'm not proud of -

one-night stands, drug-fuelled orgies.

I shagged my roadie's wife in a phone box in Carlisle.

-Really?

-Yeah. Poor Beast.

The guy had no idea.

Listen, let's just talk about this later, yeah?

Why don't you pop on another episode of that show?

I'll make you some coffee, sober you up a bit.

You win this round, God!

Speech, speech, speech!

OBJECTS CLATTER

Just want to say, thank you all so much for coming tonight.

Now, I, Gavin Mulkai,

have so much to be thankful for in my life.

An amazing flat, a 3D television, and shit-hot fish.

But life's not about possessions,

even if they are fucking cool.

So here's to you guys -

the people who make this all worthwhile!

Cheers, Gavin.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm Gavin Mulkai.

I'm Gavin Mulkai.

This is so unfair.

I finally get the perfect boyfriend and God goes and snatches him away.

Shit! Bryn's dead?

No, but I think our relationship might be.

He's going to study the Bible for two years.

I mean, how can it take two years to read one book?

But you guys were so good together.

I even came up with your celebrity couple nickname - Bryn Hannah.

I mean, you just said both our names, but, yeah...

He's pretty much my dream guy.

He's hot, he's dumb, so he never contradicts me,

and apparently there's nothing wrong with his penis.

Just wish there was something I could do to make him stay.

"Anything worth having is worth fighting for."

-Is that another one from Gavin's book?

-Thomas Jefferson.

It's like me being Gavin - at first, some people were like,

"You shouldn't do this, it's creepy, blah, blah, blah."

Yeah, that was me. And I still think that.

But if this crazy Gavin adventure has taught me anything,

it's that dreams do come true.

You've just got to know the right people

and have the keys to their flat.

Trust me, I can get him there.

He listens to me, plus he's really fucking gullible.

Look, just get the rest of the band there and leave Bryn to me, OK?

Excuse me, do you have a moment?

Can't you see I'm on the fucking phone?!

My God.

Where are we, Miss Burrito?

Did you really have to cover my eyes the whole way here?

I didn't want to ruin the surprise.

Plus we're here now, so, ta-da!

What's all this?

It's your old band! They're gigging tonight and guess what?

-So are you!

-What? No! I'm out of the band.

I'm going to Bible college.

That's why I wanted to give you a final show, as a leaving present.

It would really mean a lot to me.

Plus, I already called the guys and said you were definitely in.

The prodigal dude returns!

Paxton. It's good to see you, man.

Bro, I'm so buzzed you're playing tonight.

And that's not just the PCP talking.

I'm going to go tell Beast to get your gear ready!

I'm not sure this is a good idea...

You always say how much you miss the band.

I guess it could be fun to do a real gig again, you know,

one that ends with applause instead of a quiet prayer.

-So you'll do it, then?

-All right, yeah, go on.

But make sure you keep me in line, all right?

I don't want things getting out of hand.

Bryn, I'm your girlfriend, you can trust me.

Oh, I almost forgot, here's your phone.

I stole it while you were sleeping so I could get Paxton's number. I am so excited!

I'll raise you all my chips...

..and...

..this lamp!

Gavin Big-Balls!

OK, all in.

Oh, shit, sorry, mate.

Don't worry about it, this is Gavin's pad

and Gavin says you guys can spill whatever the fuck you like.

Who the hell are you?

I'm Gavin Mulkai. Who are you?

I'm Gavin's girlfriend.

Listen, guys, I've got to have a chat with the old ball-and-chain.

We've all been there, mate, say no more.

Go easy on him, love, yeah?

Yeah, don't move. I'm calling the police.

No, no, don't. Gavin knows about this.

Well, not all of it, but I live upstairs and he just asked me

-to look after his fish.

-Oh, those fucking fish!

He is weirdly into them, isn't he?

Look, mate, I don't know what your deal is, and I don't care.

I just want to pick up the rest of my stuff, and then I never

want to see Gavin or anyone who's dressed like Gavin ever again.

Oh! That is a relief.

I do not want to go back to prison.

Shit, you opened his Calendar 25?

That's Timothy Dalton's favourite Scotch. He was saving that until

he made partner.

Fuck, I didn't realise that was Dalton Scotch.

Screw him. Serves him right for messing me around for four years.

Cheers...whatever your name is.

Gavin.

No, Dan. Sorry, force of habit.

THRASHING CLIMAX

CROWD GOES WILD

Thank you! Good night!

Cheers, Beast. Good night!

Bryn, you were amazing.

Like a mix between the young Mick Jagger and the current Mick Jagger.

-It was a fucking blast!

-Whoa, I thought you were off booze.

Just one, settle the system, or I'll be buzzing all night.

Bro! That was electric!

Cheers, pal!

The crowd were loving it. They were literally jizzing outta their ears.

Dude, come back. We're not the same without you.

Don't tell me you didn't feel the magic.

I have to admit, I haven't felt that good in months,

but it's too late, I'm moving to Inverness.

Oh, fuck Inverness. Maybe God wants you to stay here.

-What do you mean?

-Well, he works in mysterious ways.

There's a chance that when I took your phone

and set this all up behind your back, he was moving through me.

I suppose I could put off going to Bible college maybe for a bit...

-Yeah.

-Definitely!

God is always going to be there - that's basically his catch phrase.

You have great mates, a hot band and an awesome

girlfriend/manager - we can talk about that later.

What do you say, mate?

I say...

fuck Inverness!

ALL: Yes!

Better luck next time, big guy.

I get all dolled up and what's the surprise? A trip to Paris?

A romantic dinner?

No, a Silverstone Driving Experience.

No! For your anniversary?!

And on the last lap, he ran me off the track,

said, "You snooze, you lose."

Ugh, who'd have thought a guy

who owns the official 007 aftershave could be a dick?

Well, I'm the idiot for wasting four years of my life with him.

Amanda, you are not an idiot.

Gavin's the idiot.

I should know, I've spent the last week living as Gavin,

sleeping as Gavin, using Gavin's sweet Sonicare toothbrush

and it's been wicked.

But I don't want to be a guy who could treat someone like you so badly.

Aw, thanks, Dan. You're a nice guy.

-I'm glad I didn't call the police.

-Me too.

I'm the one who got the band back together. I'm sort of a reverse Yoko.

Yo, Paxton. Have you seen Bryn? He asked me to look after him.

He's fine. He's just backstage with a couple of chicks.

CHATTER AND MUSIC

What's going on, Bryn?

Hannah! This is Valerie and JoJo and my roadie, Beast.

Say hi, Beast.

Listen, can I have a word?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Save some of that for me.

Hi. What's the deal with Mary-Kate and Ashley?

They saw the gig, asked if I wanted to do some coke. I hate saying no to fans.

Plus, I did a bit too much scag with Paxton earlier, so I needed something to pick me up.

You're doing heroin again? What about all that God stuff?

It's like you said, I can ask for forgiveness when I'm coming down.

OK, but maybe you've had enough for tonight.

We can go home. Watch the final episode of Styckningen.

I'm going to hang around. I'll be honest, I think that show's shit.

What?!

Bryn, the power of Christ compels you to come home with me.

Listen, Hannah, we've had a good run, but I'm in a band now.

Thanks to me, reverse Yoko!

And, I'm grateful, I really am. it's just...

I've got a lot more options now.

I mean, you're like a Christian eight but a band six,

you know what I mean?

Fine, stay here with your groupies.

I hope all that coke was cut with rat poison.

Oh, and, Beast? Bryn shagged your wife in Carlisle.

Hey, Rob, sorry about the poker night.

Guess what? Me and that woman totally had sex.

What do you mean, why do I sound surprised?

Dan? What are you doing here?

Gavin. You're back early.

No, I'm not.

Shit, it's been ten days already? Time flies, right?

Why are you wearing my robe? What have you done to the place?

-I can help you tidy up...

-Is that my Calendar 25?

That's a £500 bottle of whisky. You drank ALL of it?!

-Not just me.

-Shower's free!

-Oh.

-Amanda?

-Yeah?

What's going on?

Me and your little doppelganger had sex.

Not in your bed.

Just over there.

And over there...

and a little bit in the kitchen.

What the fuck?

I know this looks bad, but bear in mind, your fish are doing great...

-Get the fuck out of my flat!

-Yeah, fair enough.

Amanda, nice to meet you.

I don't suppose maybe you want to meet up again?

Get out!

Hey, Hannah. Where's the Brynster?

Oh, hospital. His roadie dump-tackled him, broke his collarbone.

Shit!

Oh, no, it's fine, we broke up.

Hey, you'll get over it.

I believe it was Albert Camus who said,

"Blessed are the hearts that something, something..."

Is that meant to be a quotation?

Yeah, I dropped the book in the Jacuzzi.

Oh, yeah, why aren't you at Gavin's?

The jig's up. Real Gavin came back. He was pretty PO'd.

So what are you up to now?

I thought maybe I'll go and watch the last episode of Styckningen. You in?

Yeah, sounds cool!

Or, if you don't mind waiting, I did make a copy of Gavin's key.

We could sneak in while he's at work, watch it on his plasma? What do you think?

I think that's maybe the best idea anyone has ever had.

I can't wait to watch those corpses in high-def!