Laser Eye Date Siblings

This programme contains strong language

This programme contains some scenes of a sexual nature

-Where'd you find those croissants?

-I didn't find them, I bought them.

Come on, Hannah, please?

This isn't even cereal. It's just a bowl of milk and basmati rice.

You can have a croissant if you promise to pay rent,

or even just stop using my conditioner.

I think I'd rather just not pay rent and have very silky hair.

What are you reading?

Lovin' It Magazine. Real life stories and celeb gossip.

Did you know Jessica Biel only drinks Raccoon's milk?

Oh, look, there's an article here about a couple who run

an erotic sex dungeon.

They've got swings, and a hydraulic dildo machine,

and...a fingering grotto.

Wait, why would you need a whole grotto just for that?

Not for me, I'm afraid.

Never been into any of that fancy, kinky stuff, you know?

Bondage, condoms, role play.

Sorry, did you just say condoms?

What do you mean you're not "into" condoms?

I don't really wear them, just keep it simple.

Call me old-fashioned!

You're not old-fashioned, you're a fucking idiot.

Mum, tell him he's got to wear condoms.

She's right.

Danny, you've got to wear protection. I mean it.

If you knock up some tramp, I'm not going to pay to help get rid of it.

And you should get yourself tested as well, before you

end up some syphilitic mad man wandering around Lidl in a nappy.

I mean, I don't think that sounds so bad,

but FINE - I'll go tomorrow.

You know they're going to stick stuff up there?

Like, wide, rigid stuff.

Hannah, stop taunting your brother, it's tedious.

And I need you to pick me up tomorrow.

What? Why? Why can't Dan do it?

I mean, look at him...

No, I'm not giving you any more lifts.

You always sit in the back treating me like I'm your chauffeur

and then you call me a loser for driving the speed-limit.

I suppose it's not very important. I'm only having surgery.

-Surgery?

-Are you dying? Is it your heart? Leprosy?

-Is it hereditary? Is it something I need to be worried about?

-It's leprosy, isn't it?!

I'm not dying. It's a very common operation for women my age

but I do need someone there afterwards, OK?

Good. Now, give your brother a croissant, for God's sake.

Yes! I win, you lose...

ITALIAN ACCENT: That's one SPICY meat-a-ball!

I thought you said no taunting?

I know, but it's sort of funny when he does it to you.

This is bullshit, Mum. I cannot believe you tricked me.

Hannah, please keep it down. I've just had surgery.

Yeah, laser eye surgery!

I thought it was something serious, not some dumb cosmetic procedure.

My self esteem is not dumb.

Believe me, nothing kills the sexual mojo more on a hot date

than pulling out a pair of bifocals.

I don't want to hear about your mojo.

Hannah, I have a very active social life,

whether you like it or not,

which is why I will be needing you to assist me for a couple of days.

Until the blindness wears off.

Assist you?

Help me run errands, get me to appointments.

You'll be my...

seeing eye daughter.

First, we need to pick up my bed and drop it at your place.

Also, we need to pick up some dry-cleaning.

Then yoga, before coffee with Lucinda.

I have a bra-fitting at three.

Ooh, and it's my turn to host cocktail night for the girls.

But what about my life?

I've got stuff planned for this weekend too.

-Like what?

-My blog.

You haven't updated that thing in nine months.

Come on, Hannah, chop chop.

Mum! Do you have to?

OK, I just want to go over a couple of things.

Next to "Number of sexual partners in the last six months"

you've put seven question marks?

Well, a gentleman never tells.

OK, sure.

But you do realise you actually have to tell me?

Oh, right, yeah. Um...

-none.

-Oh, cool.

Right, so if you just pop your trousers down and lie back for me.

Sweet tatt. What does it mean? Something mystical and deep?

No, it's Thai for "public restroom".

I got it done at the Full Moon Party when I was 17.

-Cough.

-HE COUGHS

Yeah, my mum went ape-shit when she saw it.

My mum would never let me get a tattoo.

She says they only look good on Polynesian men.

Yeah, I sort of regret mine, but I don't know...

We all make mistakes, don't we?

You might as well keep a record of some of them.

Right, all done.

Now, Dan...

..I'm afraid we're going to have to amputate.

What?!

I'm screwing with you, you're fine!

-Just head next door, and the nurse will take some blood.

-Right.

Maybe it's just because you were touching my genitals

a second ago, but I kind of felt like there was a connection between us.

I don't know if maybe you want to get a drink or dinner later?

Oh, I don't know... It might be considered a bit unprofessional?

I won't tell anyone, I promise. Just maybe my sister.

Yeah, OK, why not?

Here is my number.

Wow, a number and...

120 condoms?

Yeah, I get them free. It's one of the perks of the job.

Brilliant.

ICE RATTLES

Hear that, Hannah?

That's the sound of you not getting me a drink.

I literally just got you one.

The doctor said I had to drink plenty of fluids.

I don't think he meant vodka and soda.

Dan, are you going to help me with Mum or what?

Sorry, I've got a date.

I met an amazing girl at the STI clinic.

You picked someone up at an STI clinic?

That's like going for a buffet at a sewage plant.

Don't worry, she just works there, she hasn't got anything.

She's like the manager of the sewage plant.

A funny, sexy manager, who's also a doctor.

AIR HORN BLARES

What was that?

Mum made me download her an air horn app to her phone.

Dan, she's even worse when she's blind.

I've been driving her round, making her drinks.

-She even made me read to her.

-That doesn't sound that bad?

The only things she's got on her Kindle

are self help books about the menopause

and a collection of poems by Debra Meaden.

I didn't even know she wrote poems.

Well, I wish I could stay and help

but I've got to get ready for this date.

I think I really like STI girl.

Well, probably don't call her that.

Good advice. I'm going to go take a shower.

-Is it cool if I use your conditioner again?

-No.

Great, thanks.

AIR HORN BLARES

So when did you first know you wanted to work with genitals?

Oh, well, um...

STI's weren't my first choice. I was kind of more into orthopaedics.

What's orthopaedics?

Oh, it's like broken bones and shit.

You get paid to literally drill bolts into old ladies' hips.

Holy shit! You're basically making real life Wolverines.

Why didn't you just do that?

Well, I kind of slightly fucked up med school.

It's actually really hard to take an exam when you're in a K-hole.

Even multiple choice.

Well, at least you finished uni. I left after seven months.

Oh, you dropped out?

Dropped out, kicked out...

There was a lot of confusion at the time.

Basically, me and my friends thought we could save money

by making our own eggs instead of buying them,

so we got, like, five chickens and kept them in the garden,

but they turned out to be male chickens,

so, instead of laying eggs, they just sort of...

constantly fought each other.

One thing lead to another

and soon people started betting on which chicken would win, so...

You started a cock-fighting ring?

By accident. But, er...

yes.

Wow, we are both fuck-ups.

Here's to fucking up.

Get your dick out.

Excuse me?

Come on, do it.

Are you sure?

This is a pretty classy restaurant.

I mean, they don't even do bottomless drinks or anything.

Trust me.

Get...your...

dick...out.

OK.

HE GASPS

Would you like to see a dessert menu?

WOBBLY VOICE: We're fine, thanks.

Actually, do you guys do a cheese board?

AIR HORN BLARES

Yes, I'm doing it, OK?!

Whoa, why's there so much food out?

Mum wanted breakfast in bed, but after three batches,

the eggs still aren't "Benedict" enough.

I don't even know what that means.

Well, can I have this, then?

I worked up QUITE an appetite last night...

Yeah, fine.

Thanks...

What, with my date last night, I am just...SO hungry.

I mean, I thought I was hungry last night on my date...

-Do you want me to ask you how your date went?

-Yes, please.

-How did the date go?

-Two words... Foot. Job.

Actually, that might be one word.

The point is, I got a footjob and I'm in love.

That is so unfair!

I get stuck with Stevie Wanker and her entourage,

while you're out falling in love and getting footjobs.

I want a footjob!

I know what'll cheer you up.

STI Girl's having a house party tonight. You should come along.

Oh, my God, that would be amazing.

Seriously, I'm on the edge. It would be so good to spend

some time with some normal people, instead of...

AIR HORN BLARES Oh, what about Mum?

If we're both going, who's going to look after her?

She'll be all right, won't she?

We can just put some food in a bowl and lock the door

so she doesn't wander out into the street.

-She's not a dog, Hannah!

-I know!

We'll put the bowl on a table.

Why don't we just take her with us?

I mean, Izzy said the more the merrier.

Besides, she's not that bad... AIR HORN BLARES

Hannah, if you're going to ignore the app

then it was an utter waste of money.

Either pay attention or reimburse me the 69 pence.

it's your call.

All right, let's party.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hello. Sorry, do I know you?

Oh! Hi, pal! You made it.

I've got this.

-That's my flatmate, Pete. He is a twat.

-Oh, cool.

This is my sister, Hannah and my mum. They're not twats.

Oh...you've brought your mum!

What's happening? Where are we?

She's not really blind.

So, do you want to go grab a drink, or chat about bones some more?

We could rate them, best to worst? Skull, rib, leg bone?

Actually, I've have to go check on my mate Johnny,

because he's just failed his driving test

and he's super depressed but there's drink in the kitchen, yeah?

Hannah, where the hell have you dragged me to?

-I thought we were meeting the girls for spin class?

-We're at a house party, Mum.

I tricked you just like you tricked me into taking care of you.

OK, very good, you tricked me.

Well done. I'll buy you a crown, or a biscuit or something.

-Now, can we please leave?

-No, we're staying.

I've spent all weekend helping you out,

but tonight, it's Mama's turn to let her hair down.

By 'Mama', I mean me, not you.

Fine, I'll walk home, or I'll call the police

and have you arrested for kidnapping.

Look, relax, Mum.

Hannah!

Here's your vodka and...

here are some Doritos.

Sit tight, I'll see you in about three hours?

Don't you dare walk away! Hannah?!

All right? Who do you know here?

Oh, um, do you know Izzy? Yeah, we met yesterday...

We actually went out for dinner and um...

Well, let's just say we 'hit it off'.

I mean, a gentleman never...

-Did she do the foot thing?

-It's amazing, right?

They're like an extra pair of hands.

Sorry, how do you guys know Izzy?

Oh, I've known her for ages.

We actually used to have a bit of a thing...

Yeah, me and Izzy went to college together...

and sort of had a thing.

I accidentally ran over her dog a couple of months back...

and then we sort of had a thing.

Had a thing, yeah. Cool, cool...

So you've all had 'things' with Izzy?

Cool, cool.

That is just...so cool.

Hi. Sorry, did you just get that from the cupboard?

Yeah... I'm usually more into white,

but, you know, beggars can't be choosers. Do you want a glass?

Well, no. Actually, I live here, and that's not really party wine.

What do you mean it's not party wine? It's WINE at a PARTY.

Yes, but guests were meant to bring their own drinks.

-So if you could put that back...

-Mate, I've just spent all weekend

looking after my blind mum, OK?

I'm just trying to let my hair down.

I don't even know who you are.

You can't just go rummaging through my stuff.

Stop wigging out, it's just a glass of wine.

It's not like I took a pair of your dumb pink trousers.

These trousers are not pink. They're rustic fuchsia.

Just give me the glass, you lunatic.

If you want this glass of wine, you will literally have to murder me.

Give me the bloody glass!

What is your problem, mate?! God's sake!

Hannah!

Hannah, is that you? Oh, no, you're too thick...

-Mum?

-Hannah! Oh, thank God it's you.

Why are you going around groping people?

I told you to sit still.

And I told you I didn't want to spend the evening

with your abhorrent friends. As soon as you left,

a group of boys started trying to write GILF on my forehead.

Trust me, the people at this party are not my friends.

Some wine Nazi in the kitchen started having a go at me

for absolutely NO REASON! And no-one even stood up for me.

I'm just glad mobile phones are going to make everyone

in this generation infertile.

This guy in the kitchen was all, "Oh, I live here, I live here."

It's like, "We all live somewhere, mate.

"There's no need to be a dick about it."

I wish I could teach him a lesson.

I should scratch the word twat into all his DVDs.

Hannah, that's not how I raised you.

If you want to be vindictive, at least do it properly.

This was a genius idea.

I mean, what's the point of inviting people to your house,

if you're just going to be shitty to them?

Well, what can I say?

Some people are just born with no manners.

Wow, you're really good at that.

You're like the David Blunkett of petty vandalism.

I can't wait until he goes to buy more of his precious "wine"

and his junk's all hanging out.

You know, when I first met your dad,

I cut nipple holes in all of his jumpers.

What?! How come?

He was throwing a barbecue and he made some joke

about my Thin Lizzy jacket, so I thought I'd get even.

How have I never heard this story?

Oh, I've got dozens of stories much better than that.

Do you know I took Fat Boy Slim's virginity?

Fuck off!

I mean, that was before he got into music.

He was still thinking about becoming a cartographer.

Mum! Seriously, we should get these all down and send them

to Lovin' It. You know that real-life stories magazine?

They love this shit.

Well, you sort it all out, I'll open my gossip floodgates.

You know, I thought this party was going to be a total washout,

but I'm actually having a really nice time.

Now, we should go and pour bleach over all of his trainers.

LOUD MOANING

Hey...

Hi, Dan.

Oh... Dan, I'm a bit...busy.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure...

I just wanted to see if you were having a good party.

-Oh, yeah.

-Great, me too.

I'm loving the playlist. A lot of great tunes.

Look, Dan, it's not really the best time.

Oh, yeah, no, sure.

I guess, I'm just sort of wondering what this means for us exactly.

Oh! Well, there wasn't really an 'us'.

What about last night? Dinner...and the foot stuff?

Oh! look, Dan, you're a really nice guy

and yesterday was a bit of fun, but that's all.

I'm not really looking for anything serious.

OK...

I'll probably just be off, then.

Actually, that's my coat, just...

-This one, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Here you go, mate.

-Thank you.

Sorry about the driving test.

Oh, I'll get 'em next time!

Sure.

And this... Do you want it open or...?

-Closed.

-Closed.

OK.

-Goodbye, Izzy.

-Bye.

-Nice to meet you, Johnny.

-Yep.

MUSIC: "Never Ever" by All Saints

DAN SINGS ALONG IN A SAD VOICE

Dan, have you seen my magazine? I want to show it to Mum.

You know Fat Boy Slim might be my dad?!

-What?

-Last night, me and Mum got super drunk

and trashed this guy's wardrobe.

It was awesome. It was like being in a normal family for once.

Well, I'm glad you two had fun...

because I had my heart ripped out and chewed up in front of me.

-What happened?

-I saw Izzy having sex with another guy.

Pornography lied to me, Hannah.

Watching other people have sex is actually really depressing.

OK, children, I'm off.

Oh, no, Mum, I thought we could go through those magazine stories?

If they buy one, we get £35.

Hannah, my vision is back, I've got a lot to catch up on.

OK, well, what about tonight?

I thought maybe we could, you know, hang out?

I don't want to see you tonight.

The girls and I have got a Tae Kwon Do class

with the delicious Sensei Chris.

Bye, Daniel.

Bye, Mum.

This might be the last time I ever see you,

because someone has murdered my soul.

What's wrong with him?

I don't know. Some girl thing.

Izzy's gone.

No more laughs, no more love, no more foot-fun.

Daniel, you'll get nowhere in life feeling sorry for yourself.

If somebody offends you at a party, you ruin their trousers.

If you lose the love of your life, you do something!

You don't just whine about it,

like some idiot who's unhappy about their neighbour sunbathing topless.

It's my damn roof-terrace. I'll sunbathe however I bloody want to.

Oh, my God, you're right, Mum!

Not about the sunbathing stuff, that was weird,

but I've gotta do SOMETHING.

Just because the girl I love was having sex with another guy

in front of me, doesn't mean we shouldn't be together!

See? This is what family is all about.

Dan?! I'm in the middle of...

I want to say something.

Sorry, dude, this will take one second.

I think I'm in love with you, Izzy.

I close my eyes and I can see us growing old together,

and giving each other footjobs until the day we die.

Dan, I told you, I'm not looking for anything serious.

We're just not on the same wavelength.

What do you mean?

You keep talking about love and growing old together.

You brought your mum to my party.

I'm young. I want to have fun, I want to experience stuff...

and you're just a bit...vanilla.

-Vanilla?!

-Yeah.

I'm not vanilla.

Would a vanilla do this?

Has this been used?

Er, no. Thank God.

Please just give me another chance.

Come round my place tonight and I will prove I'm not vanilla.

Well, I guess if you're willing to risk a mouthful of herpes

just to prove a point, then maybe you deserve one more shot.

Trust me, you will not regret this.

OK, well, can I get back to...

Yeah, sorry, of course.

Good luck, man.

I am so sorry...

So breathe in...

..and out.

Remember, it's all about channelling your inner quiet.

Oh, sorry, I'm late, gang!

Hannah, what are you doing here?!

-I signed up for the class!

-What?!

We had fun last night. I just thought we could, you know,

recapture the magic. Plus, you know how much I love fighting!

Sorry, are you here for the class?

Sensei, this is Hannah, my daughter.

You're wearing a black belt.

Oh, yeah. This is a second-hand kit.

I got it last-minute off a guy on Gumtree.

He also threw in...

My God, Hannah! Put that away!

Relax, Mum, I do know what I'm doing.

Can we please stop messing around

and get back to the class, ladies?!

-Yes,

-Sensei. Yes, Sensei.

Fantastic(!) Sensei Chris is exactly my type, now he hates me,

AND he knows I have a daughter. Thank you(!)

DOORBELL RINGS

Hello...

Hi, Dan.

..and welcome to Sextopia.

So, we've got...

a sex swing.

Stolen. Not sure how much weight that can take,

but I'm pretty sure it's safe.

Some sexy lingerie...

This is all just for show, by the way.

Most of it's my sister's...

And finally, a sexy buffet.

Champagne,

a bowl of red gummy bears - the most romantic ones -

a bowl of green gummy bears - the most delicious one...

I've even got ice cubes in the shape of dicks.

This is actually weirdly impressive.

Yeah? So, you'll stay?

Why not? No-one's ever stolen a child's swing for me before.

Awesome! Let's do this.

I've always wanted to do that.

Let's pair up for sparring.

You and me, Mum? Promise I'll go easy on you.

Or will I? No, I will.

It's all right, Hannah, I think I might be going with someone else.

What? You don't want to be my partner?

Is this because I asked Sensei Chris

how much money Senseis make in a year?

Frankly, you're cramping my style. I'd prefer it if you left.

What the hell, Mum?

I just spent all weekend being your man-servant

-and now you're telling me to piss off?

-I'm sorry, but this is MY time

and having my daughter tag along sort of spoils it.

I thought we'd made a fresh start.

You know, cutting up those clothes, gossing about Fat Boy Slim.

Maybe I was wrong, and maybe I should go fuck myself.

My own mother wants me to fuck myself!

Hannah Mary French, please shut up!

Listen, if it'll stop you whingeing,

maybe I'll give you a story for that magazine of yours.

If they print it, we can split the money 70/30.

-It was my idea.

-Fine, whatever.

Now, can we crack on with the sparring?

Sensei Chris is watching. I'd love to impress him,

-see what he's got under that black belt.

-That's kind of gross,

but I'm really glad we had this talk...

Argh!

Great technique, Marion.

Thank you, Sensei.

Where are you going?

I've got a little surprise.

What the fuck is that?

This is a hydraulic dildo machine.

I read about it in a magazine.

Now, I don't actually know what hydraulic means,

so I just hooked up two vibrators to a car battery.

Oh, my God!

Wait, why are there two vibrators?

One for him, one for her.

Dan, that looks kind of dangerous.

-BATTERY HUMS

-Why is it making that noise?

Whoa, who's vanilla now, missus?

Trust me, this thing is totally safe.

I watched a YouTube tutorial.

Not on this exactly.

It was about car batteries in general, but I got the gist.

We just have to sit back and enjoy the...

Oh, my God! Dan, let go!

I can't!

-How do I turn it off?!

-I don't know, I didn't finish the tutorial!

Oh, my God, what have you done to the flat?

Is that my underwear?

Oh, yeah. I turned the place into a sex dungeon for Izzy.

We nearly had sex but then I electrocuted myself.

What?

Yeah, I think I might give it a few weeks before I text her again.

Play it cool.

What happened to your nose?

Mum and I had a really great chat and then she kicked me in the face.

Do you want an ice dick for that?

No, no, I don't.

Could you get my underwear off the ceiling.

First thing tomorrow.

Fine, I'm going to bed.

Now Mum's gone, I can finally get my room back.

Ah, I wouldn't go in there if I was you.

That was supposed to be the fingering grotto.