Kevin Rugby Siblings

This programme contains strong language

-Sis, check this out.

-Sorry, got to dash. Mum's got a doctor's appointment,

-picking up some test results.

-OK, good luck.

Nah, I'll be fine. The only reason I got the medical in the first place

is cos my company are paying for it.

It's great - you get the day off AND a free Pap smear.

Oh, actually, speaking of work shit,

could you maybe do me a favour and drop this off at my office?

-The coffee machine?

-I borrowed it three months ago and now people are starting to ask questions.

Mainly, "What happened to that brand-new coffee machine?"

Could you maybe do me a favour in return?

-I'm listening.

-Could I have £500 for a scooter?

-Absolutely not.

It's not just any scooter. It's the X-Whizz 550.

Crazy idea, but have you thought about getting a job

-and then paying for it yourself?

-Yeah, but jobs are SO boring.

Plus, doing all this scooter research is kind of a full-time job anyway.

No, it's not. And let's be honest,

anyone who rides a scooter past the age of five is an idiot.

Would you say that to Jeremy Van Blitz -

co-editor of Scooter Weekly? because I'm on a forum with him

-right now and he seems pretty switched on.

-OK.

You're not allowed to use my laptop any more.

Hi, Hannah. I'm Dr Jacobi.

Oh. Hey, doc. I hope you don't mind.

A new barbecue place opened up around the corner,

so I got myself a pulled pork sandwich.

I didn't want it to get cold. Do you want a bite?

Er, no, thank you. And you probably shouldn't have any more either.

I'll be blunt, Hannah, you are shockingly unhealthy.

-What do you mean?

-High blood pressure, high cholesterol, high sodium levels.

-You have the bone density of a 90-year-old refugee.

-Come on, Doc.

It's got to be some sort of mistake. I mean, look at me.

-I'm a solid nine... 9.5. I'm in great shape.

-Do you exercise at all?

-Not really.

I do have this recurring dream where Hugh Grant is chasing me

with a machete and I wake up sweating. Does that count?

Yeah... I would um, suggest, Hannah,

that maybe you need to make some adjustments to your entire

lifestyle, before you end up 35 and getting chest pains every

time you bend over to tie up your shoelaces.

I can't believe I'm getting told how to live my life by some stupid doctor.

RETRO LIGHT ENTERTAINMENT MUSIC

CHATTER

What's going on?

Oh, um, it's Jasper's birthday so management's got him a cake.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-So they just buy you guys cake on your birthday?

-On top of your salary?

-Yes.

-And they do that for everyone?

-Mhm.

And how many people work here?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe 30, 40?

That's like a free slice of cake every eight days!

I like those odds.

I don't know why my sister's always badmouthing this place.

Last week, she said it was where happiness comes to get fucked in the arse.

Oh, this is yours, by the way.

-Is that our coffee machine?

-Yeah.

-Sorry, who are you?

-So rude of me.

I'm Dan. Can you take this, actually, cos I'm...

I'm going to wish Jasper happy birthday.

See if I can score another slice of this sweet cake!

WITH MOUTH FULL: Jasper!

-Hey, sis. How was your checkup?

-Hmm. Not great.

-Turns out I've got the cholesterol levels of a competitive hot dog eater.

-Is that not good?

Well, apparently, I'm at risk of obesity, heart disease

-and something called gravy lung.

-Shit. Sounds serious.

I've got to start exercising, drinking water

and eating better, which is bullshit.

I mean, this is a can of chopped tomatoes.

It is literally the closest thing to vegetables we had in the whole flat.

Well, SOME good news for you.

-I got a job in your office.

-What?

I dropped off that coffee maker like you asked.

Loved the atmos, asked if they had any jobs going.

What job could you possibly get at an insurance firm?

You have zero qualifications and a criminal record.

That's why I got the job of caretaker.

Technically I'm a cleaner, but I prefer the title caretaker.

Taking care of business. Mostly cleaning related.

This morning, you said all jobs are boring

and now you want to be a cleaner?

Try and be happy for me, Hannah.

Yesterday, I didn't have a job. Today, I'm a caretaker.

By next week, I'll be head of NASA.

Or at least, one paycheque closer to owning a cool scooter.

Aw.

DANCE MUSIC

Ugh! What the hell?

Everything all right?

That guy just drenched this machine with his gross sweat and he didn't even wipe it down.

I'm trying to get fit, not catch hepatitis, you fucking animal!

Ooh, yeah! That guy's a real twat! I heard a rumour that he got banned from the steam room for trying

to squeeze another guy's nut sack.

-Seriously?

-Yeah.

But to be fair, I also started the rumour, so it might not be true.

-Hey, I'm Lucy.

-Hannah.

-Not seen you around the gym before.

Well, I'm only here cos my doctor said I had to get healthy,

or I might, you know, die. But I honestly think I'd rather have a massive stroke than spend

three nights a week around these pricks.

If you hate the gym so much, there are other ways to get healthy.

-What, like Chinese supplements?

-I was thinking more like sports.

I'm actually on a women's rugby team.

You should come to a practice. We're looking for some new blood.

Oh, I don't know. Group activities aren't really my thing.

-I'm sort of a cool, lone-wolf figure.

-Trust me. It's wicked.

We basically just run around pummelling each other for two

-hours and then spend the rest of the night getting hammered.

-That does sound fun.

Plus I'm using my dad's membership and it's only

a matter of time before they realise I'm not a 55-year-old man.

Ugh!

'Moving on to the third quarter review, er,'

-which you'll find on page six, er, if we've all got that.

-Yeah.

Sorry, gang. Just got to give it a quick tidy.

Um, so I think we can all agree, there's plenty of room for improvement here.

-Are you going to finish that Danish?

-No.

Er, so the first thing I want to look at is ways to improve policy integration.

So has anyone got any ideas? Anyone.

Actually, I've got an idea. Mouthwash. In a can.

Er, what is that?

You could maybe make like mini cans of mouthwash.

People out and about, they could just grab a can, swish it around,

chuck it, go back to whatever they were doing.

Er, OK. Um, but we're an insurance company. We don't make things.

-Yeah, but you said there were no bad ideas.

-No, I didn't.

Sorry, could we get back to the meeting?

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure. I'll just finish up. Pretend I'm not here.

Great. Er, so, um, policy integration.

VACUUM CLEANER

Er, one thing that I've...

Feet up, please.

FLUTTERY FLUTE MUSIC

Hannah! Over here.

Hi. Sorry I'm late. I had to go and get a new gumshield

but they couldn't find any extra wide ones, so it took ages.

Don't worry, pal. Come on, I'll introduce you to some of the girls.

Girls! This is Hannah.

Hannah, this is Hotpot, Swampy, Jersey Girl and Minge Ninja.

-We've pretty much all got nicknames.

-Nice! What's yours?

Ah, they call me The Camel.

Cos I can drink the most. And sometimes I kick people.

Um, what's the hold-up, ladies?

Jenny, this is Hannah. She's a mate of mine.

-She's going to be training with us today.

-OK, whatever.

Can we just break up this little mother's meeting

and get back to, you know, practising rugby?

That's Jenny. She's the captain. Her nickname's Dickhead.

Listen, cos this is your first time, do you want to just watch for a bit?

No way. I just spent 60 quid on new boots and a special workout thong.

I want to get stuck in. Let's do this.

Oof!

FLUTTERY FLUTE MUSIC

MUSIC FADES

I didn't realise anyone was still...

Er, I forgot some stuff.

And I realised I needed to clean my teeth.

So my clothes got wet.

But...

Please don't tell anyone.

CHATTER

There you go, mate.

Ooh! I think the adrenaline might be wearing off.

My left earlobe's the only part of me that's not sore.

Yeah, that's pretty standard.

Don't worry, there's an old rugby trick to deal with the pain.

Really, what is it?

SHE GLUGS

-That.

-Shit, that is fucking awesome!

Lucy, thanks so much for inviting me. I loved it.

I felt like I got out 24 years of aggression in two hours.

Well, you know, if you're keen, you should sign up for the basting.

-What's the basting?

-Well, it's this initiation thing we do for the new girls

who want to join the team. Prove that you're worthy.

-Tends to get pretty rough.

-Ooh, rough how?

I don't know, like filthy drinking challenges, humiliating rituals, threats of violence.

Oh, it's like the best part of the year.

-OK, Lucy. You're on boot duty this week.

-I washed them last week.

-It's Minge Ninja's turn.

-Oh, yeah. Well, you missed three tackles and this is the forfeit.

You know the rules. Oh, and this time,

maybe don't use that froofy fucking fabric softness of yours.

Cos not everyone wants to smell like day-old Battenberg.

Jeez! What crawled up her arse?

It's a long story. Basically, me and Jenny used to go out.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah. But she was mega possessive.

One time she went mental in Superdrug

because I asked, "Where are the tampons?" in a flirty way.

We broke up. Now it's super-awkward. Seriously, it's bad enough seeing your ex all the time,

-let alone showering with them twice a week.

-Shit.

That is some hard-core lesbian drama.

I'm sure it will sort itself out eventually.

Right, you get changed. Let's go and hit the pub around the corner.

The barman gives the whole team a free pint because he's scared of us.

Oh, God! I love rugby.

Maybe it's none of my business and I don't want you to start

crying again, but how long have you been sleeping in the office?

-What day is it?

-Wednesday.

Six weeks, then.

-Six weeks?

-It's only temporary.

Things were a bit rocky at home,

-so my wife suggested we take a small break.

-What happened?

Did you cheat on her?

Or like get addicted to online poker

-and lost all her money to a Korean card shark?

-What? No!

Nothing that drastic. We just slightly drifted apart lately.

She started taking German lessons.

And I've been busy with my salt shaker collection.

You collect salt shakers?

Yeah, I know you're going to laugh at me but the salt shaker combines

practicality and diversity, like almost no other object in history.

Kevin! I would never make fun of you for being into something.

I have spent the last month balls-deep in electric scooters.

-People love what they love.

-Cheers, Dan.

And I can see you're having a rough time. I'm going to help you out.

-Really?

-Yep.

By the power vested in me as caretaker, I am officially saying,

you can sleep under your desk for as long as you want.

Oh.

I thought maybe you were going to say I could stay at your place.

But thanks.

Coming through. Thank you very much.

Hey, Dan, Dan. Come here a sec.

-I need help coming up with a nickname.

-Cool, what for?

All the rugby girls have got one, so I thought I should, too.

-So far, I've got Hannah the Hammer.

-Ooh!

-El Jefe.

-Nice.

-Iceberg.

Big Mama Bronco.

It's tough. Can you use all of them?

Yeah. Maybe I'll do that. Hey, what are you doing for lunch?

Do you want to go to that barbecue place?

-What about your health kick?

-Oh, it's fine.

I'm exercising now, so I can eat whatever I want,

and then just burn it all off tackling the shit out of people.

Honestly, rugby is SO great.

I had like six pints with Lucy and the girls

and then we all got kebabs.

-None of that really sounds like rugby.

-You wouldn't get it.

You're not part of the rugby culture - like me.

Can you name a rugby team?

Mexico.

Hey, Dan.

Er, I just wanted to say thanks again for last night.

Hey, no problem, Cake Slice. Any time.

Er, I actually got you this. It's a space-shuttle salt shaker.

-I got it out at the convention in Houston.

-That is so awesome.

-Thank you. We are going to get some lunch. Want to come with?

-Really?

-OK. I'll just get my coat.

-Cool.

Why did you invite Kevin? He's a creep. You know he's got leprosy.

He does not have leprosy, Hannah.

He has a rare genetic disease that predisposes him

to skin conditions including ringworm and impetigo.

Since when were you Kevin's fucking dermatologist?

We talked for ages last night.

He told me about his crumbling marriage,

I told him about how I'd just switched to boxer briefs. We really bonded.

And he's going through some heavy shift at the moment, so cut him some slack.

Oh, fine!

But if you catch some gross skin disease,

you can't live with me any more.

'It was a great session, ladies.' Just a couple of bits of admin.

Um, first, can we please stop using the e-mail thread for personal matters.

Lindsay, I'm sorry your uncle needs a bone marrow transplant

but strictly speaking, it's not official team business, OK?

Also, we've got the initiations coming up,

so all the new girls, brace yourselves.

And finally, I'm starting to organise this year's summer tour.

I think it's safe to say that Dublin was a great success last year

so, hope you're all up for doing that again.

Or - we could try somewhere a bit more exotic than Dublin.

I mean, we've all had Guinness before.

-Right, where exactly would you suggest, Hannah?

-How about Italy?

Loads of sun.

Great food plus the people there are better looking - guys AND girls, so

there'll be a flavour of gelato for everyone, if you know what I mean!

Oh, Jenny, I've got to admit, I'm kind of with Hannah.

I mean, we have been to Ireland two years in a row.

Yeah, all right. Well, look, we'll talk about it later.

Anyway, see you next week.

Great practice, guys. Just one small thing.

Can everyone please start calling me Iceberg?

RETRO LIGHT ENTERTAINMENT MUSIC

MUSIC FADES

-I know what you're trying to do.

-What, the nickname thing?

Yeah, I'm not 100% sure about Iceberg either.

I'm talking about you and Lucy. You think just because you're her latest squeeze, you can

-start throwing your weight around.

-Whoa! You're way off the mark.

-Me and Lucy are just friends.

-Oh, really? Well, how come the two of you are such bosom buddies, then?

-Trust me, if I wanted Lucy, I could have her. OK?

-OK, Hannah.

Maybe you should make this your last training session, yeah,

-before things get really nasty.

-Is that a threat?

No, I'm just saying, I AM team captain

and I can make your life hell. Starting with the initiation.

Well, I don't mind my life being hell,

because I'm the fucking devil.

Well, if you're the devil, then I guess that makes me an exorcist.

Good, because if you're an exorcist, then I...

Sorry, guys. Can I squeeze past?

RETRO LIGHT ENTERTAINMENT MUSIC

-Thanks for coming with me, Dan. I don't think I could have faced doing this alone.

-Come on!

What are caretakers for?

How does my neck look? It's not to red, is it?

My eczema tends to flare up when I get nervous.

You look fine, K-PAX, all right? And don't be nervous. I've got your back.

-Hello, Kevin.

-Hi, Lorraine.

-Hey, I'm Dan. What's cracking?

This is Dan. He's helping me pick up the rest of my stuff.

Yeah, well, um, it's all in the garage. I've packed it up.

Wow, you've packed it up already.

I wanted to make this as easy as possible. It should be all your stuff from the house.

Clothes, books, 200 salt shakers.

It's not too late to start again, Lorraine. We had some good times.

Remember our trip to Zurich to see that skin specialist?

-That was fun.

-Yeah, come on, Lorraine. Take him back.

Kevin is one of the sweetest, smartest guys I have EVER met.

You know he lived in a box under his desk for six weeks without

getting caught.

What's going on, Lorraine?

-Who's this?

-This is Oliver, my German tutor.

We're um...we're together now.

What?

Is that why you were having eight German lessons a week?

I'll be honest, most of the phrases I learned were just

euphemisms involving the word bratwurst.

Dan, let's go and get the stuff. My neck's starting to flare up.

Eesh...

What's German for... (SING-SONG) awkward?

Ungemutlich.

Oh!

Trust me, K-man, you'll bounce back.

There are loads of women who will love a guy like you.

Face it, Dan.

I'm a homeless 38-year-old insurance analyst with psoriasis.

I am pathetic.

-Hi, Kevin.

-Hi.

Dan, a word, please.

Excuse me, Kevin.

What is Kevin doing here and why are you giving him a massage?

I am not giving him a massage. I am rubbing ointment on his back.

Just found out that his wife left him for some German idiot.

I wanted to cheer him up,

so I offered to help him cream up for the night.

Well, can you please wash your hands and then get rid of him.

-I'm on high alert for this rugby initiation.

-Oh! Why, when is it?

I don't know. That's part of the ritual.

All I know is that at some point, in the next 48 hours,

they're going to grab me, and make me do a bunch of weird shit,

-to prove that I'm teamworthy.

-God, women's rugby is awesome.

-Do you reckon I could join?

-Dan.

-Ah!

I'm going to head back to the office.

OK, um, do you want me to come with? Got the keys to the boardroom.

We can watch a film on the projector.

No, I think I might just curl up under my desk. Get an early night.

Wait, did he say he's sleeping at the office?

DOORBELL

KNOCK ON DOOR

God, I'm coming.

DOORBELL

What the fuck!

Morning, sunshine!

Lucy, it's 4.00am!

Don't worry, here's a little something to blow the cobwebs away.

-What is it?

-It's our initiation cocktail!

Three different types of lager mixed with two different types of sour cream.

And with your drink, your initiation has officially begun,

so from now on, whatever we say, you have to do it.

With zero backchat.

What is this? North Korea?

-Ooh! Backchat.

-Give her the penalty.

What is your problem?

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in.

Wahey! How you doing, buddy?

You haven't left your office all morning.

Oh, I've just been cleaning my salt shakers.

Seeing as they're pretty much the only things left in my life.

You'll never leave me, will you?

Hey, how about we get out of here? Take your mind off all this stuff.

Thanks, Dan, but I'm going to stay here.

I might send Lorraine a picture of me crying, see if that changes her mind.

OK, seriously, K-dog, it is killing me to see you this bummed out.

-Well, I'll get used to it, I guess.

-No way. I'm the caretaker.

And it is my job to take care of this office and the people inside of it.

Technically, you're just cleaner.

Look, Kevin. Why do you think I started working here?

It's not because I love smelling of industrial toilet cleaner.

It's because everyone here was so nice.

I've only been working there, what, two weeks?

But I know that in THIS office, we buy cake for each other on our

birthdays and we help each other through our disastrous marriages.

-You really want to help me?

-Big time!

Now, tidy yourself up. I'm going to tell everyone we both have diarrhoea.

Take the day off, have some fun!

Guys, me and Kevin have got the squits.

SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC

You may now remove your blindfolds.

Welcome to the basting.

If you worms want to be part of this rugby team, you're going

to have to prove how much you want it.

Also there is a nominal £30 admin fee.

We have a series of challenges that are going to push you to the edge.

And remember that if you fail a challenge, you must drink.

If you answer back, you must drink.

If you start to get sober, YOU MUST DRINK!

CHEERING

Ha-ha!

It's not too late to give up.

Oh, don't underestimate how stubborn I can be, Jenny.

I haven't spoken to my cousin since we were nine and she told me

that my pigtails made my head look square.

Trust me, I am not giving in.

In that case, welcome to hell.

SHE BLOWS WHISTLE

CHEERING

Come on!

FLUTTERY FLUTE MUSIC

CHEERING

Nice!

Oof!

CHEERING

Wahey!

Wough!

Congratulations.

You have survived the physical tests and psychological torture

but there is one hurdle left.

Please, remove the covers.

Aw!

To complete the basting and become an official member of the team,

you must eat a full cooked turkey.

-What does this even have to do with rugby?

-Oh, what's that? Giving up?

No fucking way.

CHEERING

Thanks for today. It really helped.

-I didn't think about Lorraine all day.

-I told you it would help.

There is nothing better than skiving off work for the day.

It's the best part of having the job.

I know it's early days,

but I feel like maybe I might be ready to move on.

Well, I'm glad to hear you say that, K-swizz,

because there's one more thing I want us to do today.

-Oh, yeah?

-It's at the office. Come with me.

CHATTER

-OK.

-What's-her-name is out. Do I win?

This isn't the fucking Hunger Games, Hannah. You don't just win because you're the last one. Eat up.

-All right! Chill out, Jenny. She's probably had enough.

-Er, no.

-She hasn't finished the turkey.

-So what? Nobody does.

When you took the challenge, you had three bites and started crying and throwing up at the same time!

Right, look. I'm team captain now and what I say goes.

She didn't finish it, so she's not allowed in the team.

-God, what is your problem, Jenny?

-She's fucking jealous.

She thinks there's something going on between me and you.

-That is crazy.

-I know. I told her. If I wanted you, I could have you.

-What the fuck!

-Look, Jenny,

you massive prick - at this point,

I don't even give a shit about getting into your stupid rugby team.

I just want to prove you wrong. I am finishing this turkey.

SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC

-HANNAH GROANS

-Oh!

-Are you all right, Hannah?

-It's my chest.

-SHE GASPS

-I can't breathe.

SHE GASPS

I think I might be dying.

Fuck you, Jenny!

FLUTTERY FLUTE MUSIC

This is all thE stuff from your old marriage.

And you're going to burn it.

What? Are those my salt shakers?

Kevin, if you really want to move on,

you've got to get rid of this stuff, OK?

They're all just reminders of your broken marriage

and that creepy German guy who's screwing your wife now.

Also, I know that I said salt shakers were cool, but...

I mean, it is a bit weird.

I mean, you were like talking to them and stuff.

-So you want me to set fire to them?

-Look, it works.

When my parents split up, Mum set fire to both of Dad's cars

-and she was much less crazy after that.

-You really think it could help?

Definitely.

As the old caretaker saying goes,

the job ain't done until you take out the trash.

OK. Yep, let's do it. Ah!

Ooh!

How do you feel? Better, eh?

Well, I've got to admit, it is kind of cathartic.

I mean, if I can let go of my collection after all these years, I can do anything, right?

See? I told you, man.

And you know, I think tomorrow,

I'm going to start looking for a place to live. A real place.

Not the office.

Wow! That fire really is going up.

Yeah, well, a lot of the salt shakers were made of porcelain.

I wanted to make sure they went up so I chucked in a bunch of flammable stuff from the cleaning cupboard.

Really?

Oh, my God, Kevin! You...You...

-Argh! ARGH!

-You...

KEVIN SCREAMS

Of course it's medical malpractice.

Well, maybe I do have a solid legal case and you're just a shit lawyer. Hello?

-Fuck!

-Hey, how was your first day back?

Yeah, fine. Except for I can't find a lawyer to help me sue this fucking quack doctor.

Easy, sis.

-You've just had a heart attack.

-It wasn't a heart attack.

It was an acute gastric episode.

Either way, if it wasn't for him being all like, "Ooh, get healthy!"

Then none of this would have happened.

-How come you're not in uniform?

-Oh, I just quit.

Yeah, got my first pay cheque yesterday and finally bought myself that scooter.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean you have to quit your job.

You can just keep earning money.

Why? I don't need two scooters.

Plus the whole workplace environment's pretty awkward at the moment.

Kevin's been really weird with me all week.

Hey, K-dog.

How's the new flat looking? You going to have a housewarming?

-Do you see what I mean?

-I told you that guy was a creep.