Golden Aunt Siblings

This programme contains strong language

-Have you seen those illegal caffeine pills?

-I took the last three.

I wanted to stay up and finish writing my graphic novel.

It's about a set of triplet werewolves

who use their sense of smell to solve crimes.

Shit, Dan, I really needed those for work. It's Annual Report Week.

How am I supposed to get through it if I'm not chemically enhanced?

-What's Annual Report Week?

-Oh!

Every year, we have to spaff out this massive document

for the stupid shareholders.

It usually means a whole week of staying late.

-I'm talking 6.30, 7.

-That's insane.

-I know.

It's like modern-day slavery,

except with a salary and health insurance.

Hey, how about this afternoon you call up the office

and pretend to be my doctor, say I've got swine flu or something?

I'm always up for impersonating a doctor, but I can't.

I've got another salsa class with Mum.

-You and Mum are doing salsa classes together?

-Yeah, it's the worst.

I just don't understand how such a delicious sauce

can be such a boring activity.

-Well, why did you sign up for it, then?

-I didn't. Mum did.

-Just tell her to fuck off.

-Hannah!

Mum gave us the gift of life. We owe her everything.

Also, she threatened to cut off my allowance.

That does sound pretty rough.

God, you're so lucky Mum doesn't really like you.

-Mum doesn't like me?

-Oops, sorry.

HORN BEEPS

-SALSA MUSIC PLAYS

-Good, ladies! Very nice.

And left.

And right.

Great. Excellent!

Very good. Keep your bodies nice and close together.

Daniel, this is not a difficult step.

-An upright horse could do it.

-I'm trying my best.

Well, try harder.

Now put your hand on the small of Mummy's back.

Mum, is there seriously no-one else you can do this with?

I mean, this is so weird.

Everyone else here's just retired couples.

That's not true. What about Vivian and Ralph?

And spin.

Yeah, but Ralph's the weirdest guy I've ever met.

There's nothing weird about spending quality time with your mother.

I'm going to the bathroom.

I want to remove my bra so I can let loose for the next number.

Keep your arms still.

-Hello, Dan.

-Oh!

Hi, Ralph. Sorry, I didn't realise you were there.

I'm very light on my feet. Unlike some people.

Oh, yeah. Well, I'm just sort of here as a favour to my mum.

I mean, she breast-fed me for five years. Least I could do.

If you really want to do your mum a favour, you should kill yourself.

-What?

-Just saying.

It's the big recital next week

and me and my mum are going to fuck you and your mum in the ass.

Dude, I told you - I really don't care about this salsa stuff.

So pathetic. No wonder your mum doesn't respect you.

She respects me.

-Ow, what the hell?!

-Stop chitchatting.

Now, come on, let's get on with the practice.

One more time! From the top.

SIREN BLARES

Hey, Lloyd, what's going on?

Someone found a headless corpse in the lift.

Ugh, gross!

Turns out the company above us was a front for some Chinese drug ring.

I mean, in retrospect, that does kind of make sense.

What kind of name is Business Incorporated?

-So what happens now?

-They're going to do a load of forensics.

Apparently, the office is shut down for the week.

Kind of messes with your head, doesn't it?

Something so tragic happening right where we work.

Yeah, the fragility of human life, whatever.

Did you just say we get a whole week off work?

What about the annual report?

Um, I dunno. I guess it'll be postponed.

Sweet!

Bonus holiday week? Thank you, Triads.

Daniel, you were by far the worst dancer in the class today

and Hector is on his third set of knees.

This week, I want you practising at home.

I'll try, but I've got a lot on.

I need to redraft the last chapter of Wolf-Cops.

While I'm paying for your idle life,

I will be the organ-grinder, you will be my dancing monkey.

God, you even manage to make a dancing monkey sound boring.

-Shh!

-Brrr!

-Is that a voice coming from my bathroom?

-Shit!

Maybe it's a burglar and he stopped to take a bath.

Why would a burglar stop to take a bath?

It might be like his calling card.

He leaves a dirt ring and some pubes so you know he's been here.

Come with me.

Right, you go in there and bash him on the head.

Seriously? What if I hurt him?

He is trespassing on my property.

-Now, go!

-Ahhhh!

-SHE GASPS

-Oh!

-Marion!

And little baby Dan. What a wonderful surprise.

-For goodness' sake, Leslie.

-Mum, you know the burglar?

-It's not a burglar. It's my sister.

-Oh.

DOORBELL RINGS

Ah, sweet. Just in time.

Oh, er, I didn't order any Cajun chicken chunks.

-Actually, those come as part of your meal deal.

-Sweet!

You know, this day is shaping up to be the perfect day.

On the way home, this guy shouted, "Nice arse," at me.

Then he got clipped by a white van. Best of both worlds.

At least someone's having a good day.

My last delivery turned out to be a prank call.

Now I've got five pepperonis stinking out my car.

Wait, you've got five pizzas in your car?

-What are you going to do with them?

-I guess throw them out.

Or you could slide them my way.

You're going to eat six large pizzas?

What are you, a pizza guy or a fucking nutritionist?

Ah, yes!

Oh, sorry, I would give you a tip, but I've only got notes, so...

Dread to ask, Leslie, but what are you doing here?

Can't a girl stop by to visit her big sister

and her favourite little nephew?

Look at you, Dan. I haven't seen you since you were six

and I left you with those Hell's Angels.

WHEEZY LAUGH

-What have you been doing with yourself?

-Mostly chilling out.

I went to prison for a bit, which was OK.

I made my own version of Capri-Sun in the toilet.

Who'd have thought? Little baby Dan turned into such a resourceful young man.

-I'm proud of you!

-What about you?

What have you been up to since you last disappeared?

Apart from breaking and entering.

Well, I was a roadie for a bit.

Dog walker. Licensed chiropractor.

Unlicensed chiropractor.

You know, for me, my life is my art.

So, really, the last few years have been a crazy fucking tapestry.

It sounds like you've been a very busy bee.

I'm sure you'll be needing to head off.

Yeah, the thing is, Maz,

um, I'm currently a teensy bit... What's the word? Um...

..homeless.

I broke up with Spike.

Ugh, that leather-clad Welsh degenerate.

Well, I was just wondering if maybe I could crash here

just for a couple of nights, just till I get myself sorted?

-Absolutely not.

-Oh, wow.

My own sister doesn't care if I'm sleeping rough.

I'll just find myself an alleyway and maybe I'll kill a rat

and I'll roast it over an open wheelie bin.

Mum, you can't let her sleep rough and eat rats for dinner.

I know what I'm doing.

She waltzes in here every few years with some sob story

and then won't get lost until I've opened my cheque book.

-Well, it won't work this time.

-Don't worry, Aunt Leslie.

You can stay with me for as long as you need.

Dan, you're my hero!

I AM a hero. A superhero.

And mum's the villain - the wicked Cruelzilla.

-Shut up, Daniel.

-Sorry, Mum.

Welcome to my bachelor pad.

Or, as I like to call it, Dan-sylvania.

-Cool to sleep on the sofa?

-Oh, yeah, I'm sure I'll manage.

-I once squatted for two months in a condemned abattoir.

-Cool.

Dan, I've had the most amazing day today.

Someone got killed at the office and I got some free pizza.

-Look who's here! Aunt Leslie!

-Ohh!

She just broke up with her boyfriend so I said she could crash with us.

You can take this bangle as a sort of thank you.

-I found that on Jim Morrison's grave.

-Wow, sweet!

Look at this - I've got some cool jewellery

and my fun, sexy aunt to hang out with.

Today, it just keeps getting better.

I thought you said today was going to be a "paperwork Guantanamo"?

Yeah, but since then, not a single thing has gone wrong.

I don't want to jinx it, but I think this might be...

the Golden Week.

-Sorry, what's the Golden Week?

-I'm glad you asked, Aunt Leslie.

The Golden Week is a special, once-in-a-lifetime phenomenon.

No, please don't do this again.

It's a full week of uninterrupted luck, prosperity and joy.

And it's my white whale.

Oh, sure, I've come mighty close more than a few times.

-Hannah, please stop.

-The first being in December 2002.

I was 13.

I won the gold medal at gymkhana

and I went up two bra sizes in one night.

Then, to cap it all off,

I had tickets to that week's recording of Top Of The Pops.

Was a young Hannah French giddy at the thought of being on television?

Just a bit.

But on the very last day of my Golden Week,

Katie McGuire accidentally broke my nose in PE.

Top Of The Pops wouldn't let me on with two black eyes

and my Golden Week was ruined.

But I have a feeling that Old Lady Fate

may be giving me another chance.

Don't you think you might be taking this a bit too seriously?

It's just a bunch of random stuff happening.

No, I think she might be on to something, Dan.

I've always believed in unseen cosmic forces sort of guiding us on our journey...

Nah, nah, that's bullshit.

But the Golden Week is definitely legit.

Look, I'll prove it.

I bought this scratchcard earlier today.

-There's no way that I can lose.

-That's crazy.

You're crazy, Hannah.

Well, this crazy son of a gun has just won a two-night stay

at a three-star bed and breakfast in Swanage, travel not included.

I am invincible!

Swanage...

You know, I was in a real state after breaking up with Spike,

but hanging with you these last few days,

I am in a much better head space.

Come on, you're my favourite aunt.

I mean, you're my only aunt,

but you're still number one in my books.

And that is why I am going to treat you to a massive spread.

I hope you like fancy cheese.

-Whoa! Did you steal that cheese?

-Could call it stealing.

Or you could argue that cheese is a natural resource.

It is of the earth.

Like, putting a price on cheese,

that's like putting a price on oxygen, or oil.

-Yeah...

-Take this bottle of wine.

-Right, what is it?

-Did you steal...?

It's a bottle of crushed grapes.

And yet they expect 12 quid for it.

Can you imagine spending 12 quid on some crushed grapes?

The way I see it, ownership is just a concept.

It's just something to tie free spirits like you and I down.

-That is my whole philosophy.

-Wow!

I always thought philosophy was, like, what's the point of life?

Or, is it OK to eat toast if you drop it on the ground?

-But I love yours.

-PHONE RINGS

Oh, shit. It's Mum.

She keeps calling to check that I'm practising her dumb salsa steps.

-Let it ring. She'll get the hint.

-Really?

Dan, the world is full of people who get off on telling us what to do -

parents, clergy...

paramedics.

Sometimes, you've just got to ignore them and do your own thing.

RINGING STOPS

See? You've always got to trust your Aunt Leslie.

Be a poppet.

Stick that in the fridge for me.

Hannah, is that you?

Katie McGuire!

Oh, my God! I haven't seen you since school. How's it going?

Good! How are you? What are you up to?

Oh, I was just looking up some horse races.

I'm on a bit of a lucky streak this week.

I was thinking of putting 300 quid on Philip Seymour Hoofman.

It's crazy bumping into you. I was just talking about you.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah, about how you broke my nose in PE.

Oh, God, that was so bad.

There was blood everywhere

and you kept, like, mumbling about Top Of The Pops?

-I felt like such crap.

-Oh, hey, it was an accident.

I mean, sure, it did ruin my Golden Week,

but it's not like I think about that three or four times a week.

Sorry. How about you? What are you up to these days?

Oh, I'm trying to direct. TV, promos, that kind of shiz.

I'm actually making a music video at the moment.

-Have you heard of that R&B guy, Zeff?

-Zeff?

The one who does the songs about women sweating?

-Yeah, that's the one.

-Oh, my God, I love that guy.

# Gonna make you sweat till you're wet. #

-Yeah!

-That is so cool!

-It's a bit stressy at the moment.

We're shooting in, like, two days and one of the girls we're using

slipped on some baby oil and dislocated her shoulder.

I'm scrabbling to find a replacement and none of the agencies...

SHE GASPS The Golden Week.

Katie, listen. Let me be the replacement. I can do it.

Really? You know we can't pay you, like, anything, right?

I know this might sound crazy, but I think that girl's shoulder

snapped out of its socket for a reason.

So I could star in your music video and finally achieve a Golden Week.

OK, brill! Although you wouldn't really be starring in it.

It's just one scene. You'd mainly be there as eye candy...

Katie, please do not ruin yet another Golden Week for me!

LESLIE LAUGHS

-Hey, Hannah.

-Oh, hi, Han. Perfect timing.

I need a wazz. Want to take my place?

SHE CONTINUES LAUGHING

-Dan, you got a ping-pong table?

-Oh, yeah.

Aunt Leslie's mate Big Phil

needed to get rid of some stuff real quick,

so he gave it to us for ten quid.

-Huh!

-He threw in a bunch of this laughing gas as well.

-HISSING

-Aunt Leslie is awesome.

She knows so much about life and philosophy

and how to disable security tags.

Clearly, my Golden Week is rubbing off on you.

-Are you still going on about that?

-Dan, it's the real deal.

Today, I randomly bumped into Katie McGuire.

-And get this - she's putting me in her music video.

-Seriously?

Yeah, it's for Zeff's new single - It's No Sweat (If You Sweat).

Oh, my God! I've got all his albums.

Slippery When Sweat, Sweat It Be, You Sweat Your Ass...

Well, I've got the costume fitting for the vid tomorrow,

so maybe I could snag you an autograph.

Yes!

Thanks for stepping in at such short notice.

The shoot should be totes standard - four, five hours, then you're free.

You could probably even keep the dress.

A golden dress for a Golden Week.

-Hey, ladies, hope I'm not interrupting anything.

-Hey, Zeff!

Oh, this is Hannah. She's the girl replacing Monique.

It's great to meet you. I'm a huge fan.

# Ooh, girl, you're so fine Got me sweating like, whoa. #

Nice to meet to, honey.

Listen, Katie, that intern kid messed up my lunch order again.

He got me a damn prawn salad and everybody knows that...

# Zeff don't fuck with the shellfish. #

I am so sorry, I'll fix it for you.

Thank you, Katie. You're the greatest.

Absolute pleasure to make your acquaintance. I'll see you tomorrow.

# Not if I see you first. #

OK, cool. I think we're all set here.

-Is there anything else you need?

-Don't think so.

Actually, is that salad just up for grabs now?

-Um... Yeah, sure.

-Great!

A free lunch and a free dress?

Oh, Golden Week, you do shine so bright.

-SALSA MUSIC PLAYS

-And left. And right.

That's great! Excellent!

Very good. Keep your bodies nice and close together.

That's it...

Daniel, you just trod on my toes. What's the matter with you?

And why do you smell like a Dutch strip club?

I'm sorry. I'm just really hung-over.

Me and Aunt Leslie had a massive night last night.

What did I tell you about fraternising with her?

Please...keep your voice down, Mum.

My head is killing me from all the laughing gas.

Oh, great, now she's got you doing drugs.

Next you'll be out on the street corner in minishorts

selling favours to perverts.

Daniel, that woman is a selfish, destructive imbecile.

She is not an imbecile. She knows a lot about politics.

Did you know that the Iraq War was because of oil?

Uh-oh, trouble in paradise.

-Oh, shut up, you weirdo.

-Daniel, don't make a scene.

No, Mum, and stop telling me what to do.

I'm not a kid any more. I'm a grown man.

I shouldn't be at a fucking salsa class with my mum.

I should be hanging out with my aunt.

Daniel, don't you dare walk out!

You were too good for him anyway.

I'm going to use that fucking ratty ponytail to garrotte you!

Do you hear me, Spike? Spike?

Ahhhhh!

-Ah! Urgh!

-Everything OK?

It's Spike, my ex.

He flogged the minivan that we bought together

and he's refusing to give me my share of the money.

What a dick! We should sue him, go all Erin Brockovich on his ass.

I don't want the authorities involved.

I've got a few outstanding warrants.

You know, unpaid parking fines, impersonating a judge.

-Shit, what are you going to do?

-He's actually on his way.

He's coming over to drop off my stuff.

Do you reckon you could stick around?

I could do with some backup from my big, brave nephew.

HE SCOFFS

I guess I am pretty big and brave.

Aaaah! Fucking hell!

Oh, my God. Are you OK?

Er, I'm on my way to star in a hot music video,

so I'd say, yeah, I'm doing pretty well.

Hannah, no offence, but you look like total dogshit.

He's right, Han-Han. You should go back to bed.

-No way. I'll be fine. It's just nerves.

-Nerves?

OK, there is a small chance

that I might have contracted food poisoning from a free prawn salad,

but I'm not missing this shoot.

This is the crowning glory of my new Golden Week.

So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go be... Hm...

..sexy.

Ooh.

DOORBELL RINGS

That'll be Spike.

-All right, Leslie?

-Hello, Spike.

Did you bring my 500 quid? Son of a bitch!

I told you, Leslie - I don't owe you a bloody penny.

I paid for half that van and it was my idea to use it as a bang bus.

Well, you owe me a grand for throwing my laptop in the canal.

Come on, Spike, we're all civilised adults here.

Who's this fucking gangly ballsack?

OK, that's a not a great place to start negotiations,

but at least we've got a dialogue going.

How's this for a dialogue? Both of you can piss the fuck off.

Listen, Spike, I'm not gunning for an argument.

I just really need the money.

Bloody hell, what is that?!

What are you on about, woman?

BOTH GRUNT

Oh, my God!

-Aunt Leslie, what have you done?

-Oh, don't worry.

I've just chloroformed him. Right, let's get him inside.

SHE STRAINS

KNOCK ON DOOR

-What's up, Hannah? How's it going?

-Oh, great!

Nightmare getting here, though.

Taxi driver kept trying to take me to hospital.

-But I am here and I am raring to go.

-Cool beans.

I just came to say we're a smidge behind schedule.

Zeff said his sunglasses weren't "trill" enough

and we're not sure what that means,

so we're trying out a bunch of new pairs.

-Oh. How long's that going to take?

-Not sure. Could be a few hours.

I mean, Zeff's a real perfectionist.

You know, he spent eight months

just choosing the snare for his track, Pussy Sweat.

-But you're all right to hang tight right, yeah?

-Yeah!

I might just put my head on the floor here, where it's nice and cool.

-Ohh...

-Are you all right, Hannah? It looks like you're shivering.

With excitement! I'm living the dream.

OK, cool. Well, I'll come get you when we're ready.

Tell Zeff I said hey!

Oh!

We can do this the easy way

or we can do it the way where I beat you with a phonebook.

-What do you say?

-I say go fuck yourself, you crazy mare.

All right, we'll do it your way.

Let's see how stubborn you are without earlobes.

Dan, where do you keep your knives?

Er...

Dude, I'm so sorry about this whole kidnap sitch.

I'm sure one day we'll look back at this and laugh.

Aunt Leslie, um...

don't you think this is getting a bit too crazy?

Maybe we should just let him go,

give him a Toblerone to smooth things over.

I'm not going to let him go, Dan. I want my money.

But didn't you say money is just an illusion?

Yeah, not when it's mine. Could you be a poppet?

Can you find me a tea towel and a bucket of water?

I think I'm going to have a crack at waterboarding.

Sure.

Get right on that.

Might pop out for a sec.

Don't start the torture without me.

DOOR SHUTS

OK, think sexy, think sweaty.

We're going to get to the second repeat of the chorus,

look right, look left,

maybe a couple of hair flicks, we'll clink glasses.

Hannah, did you get all that?

Everywhere is rabbits.

HER STOMACH GURGLES

No more.

Uhh, cool.

OK, I'm just going to check

that make-up are ready with the fake sweat

and then we should be good to go.

OK, everybody, take five.

Come on, French. This is your Golden Week.

You're nearly at the finish line. You can do this.

'Of course you can, Hannah.

'You're the bravest girl in the world

'and we're all proud of you.'

Right, that isn't good.

RINGS DOORBELL

-Mum...

-Well, if it isn't the dancing Judas.

I'm busy, Daniel, what do you want?

Mum, I really need your help. I'm in way over my head.

Right, well, I guess you'd better come in. Wipe your feet.

Oh, and try not to stab me in the back again, will you?

Oh, my! Caught in the act.

Ralph? What are you doing here?

I needed a new salsa partner after you so cruelly abandoned me

and Ralph kindly volunteered.

You didn't treat the lady right and now she's mine.

Her and I are going to be unstoppable come the big recital.

Mate, literally no-one cares about the recital.

Mum, Aunt Leslie's in the flat. I think she's gone insane.

I'm really scared.

It's worse than the time I got stuck on that ghost train.

Oh, if only someone had warned you Leslie was trouble.

You were right. I should have listened to you.

Now can you please fix this for me?

-I want you to say it.

-Say what?

-You know.

-Mummy knows best.

-Wonderful.

Now, let's go and lance the boil that is my sister.

But, Marion, what about us? What about our rehearsal?

Ralph, you are a stellar dancer

and an even better love-maker.

But I must go and help my son.

Oh.

# Now it's 2am We've been here for hours

# The room's a rainforest It's like a walk-in shower

# I'm so excited I don't know where to place my hands

# All I know is I'm in love with your sebaceous glands

# It's no sweat if you sweat, girl

# You know, tonight we're both getting wet, girl

# Call the lifeguard cos I'm about to drown

# Call me the Titanic

# Because I'm going...

# Yeah, it's no sweat if you sweat, girl

# You know, tonight we're both getting wet, girl

# Call the lifeguard cos I'm about to drown

# Call me the Titanic

# Because I'm going down. #

Cut. Guys, that take was great.

I think maybe we're done for the day.

Ohh! I did it. Ohh!

-Zeff, you happy?

-I dunno.

-I wasn't feeling it. Something's not right.

-What?!

# Zeff just got an idea. #

We need to switch these two girls around.

What? I thought you said we were finished.

You're the sweatiest girl here. You've gotta be by my side.

That's the only way to make it trill.

If that would be the most trill, let's just go with that.

Hannah, switch places and we'll go again.

BELL RINGS

OK, ready? Action!

MUSIC PLAYS

HER STOMACH GURGLES Oh, God.

I've gotta get out. I've gotta get out.

I... I need to...

Can you stop? Stop...

Look, you have to stop. I need to get...

WET FART Oh!

What the fuck?! This girl just shat in the booth!

This ain't trill, Katie!

The Golden Week...is dead.

Ah.

Ah!

Dan, you are back just in time to see me rub peppers into his eyes.

Maz? What are you doing here?

I'm sorry, Aunt Leslie. I had to do something.

This hostage thing is crazy

and Hannah would go spare if she found a toe under the fridge.

What on earth is this all about?

This bastard owes me half a grand.

-Do I fuck!

-Oh, for goodness' sake.

Listen, I will give you the money myself

if it means you disappear back to wherever it is you came from.

-Really?

-Take this...

on condition you keep away from my son.

Babe, it fucking worked!

-Hold it together, Spike.

-What the hell?

Er... Yeah, I'm sorry, Dan.

I'm going to be honest. This was, like...

a teensy bit of a scam...

and, er, you were the stooge.

But I saw you chloroform him.

-That was literally just a hanky.

-Unbelievable.

-But why, Aunt Leslie?

-I needed the money.

I'm going to use it to get back my chiropractor's licence back.

Or maybe just buy a lot of weed.

Yeah, I haven't decided yet.

Leslie, just take the money and let's do the mature thing

-and agree to never speak again.

-Deal.

And, you know, I've really enjoyed catching up, Dan.

I mean, we had a laugh.

I mean, a lot of that was laughing gas, but...

I'm really going to miss you.

-Come on, Spike.

-Pleasure to meet you folk.

I don't know if Leslie mentioned, but I'm actually in a prog rock band.

We've got a few songs up on SoundCloud.

Curious Marsupial.

Look us up, maybe share with your pals. That'd be fab.

Come on, let's go.

Got any Twiglets?

We were had by the best.

Thanks for saving my arse, Mum.

Sorry I dragged you here all the way for nothing.

Well, I'm sure there's a way for you to make it up to me.

-Hey, sis. Feeling any better?

-Not really.

I mean, I'm over the food poisoning,

but someone leaked the footage of me crapping on Zeff

and now it's all over the internet.

Ohh, I'm not looking forward to work tomorrow.

Why are you dressed like a bisexual matador?

Oh, yeah, I've got the big salsa recital with Mum tonight.

I really don't want to go,

but I owe her big-time after the whole hostage thing.

-What hostage thing?

-Oh, yeah, I didn't tell you!

Me and Aunt Leslie kidnapped her ex-boyfriend.

She was going to cut his toes off, but it turned out it was all a scam.

Oh, man! I can't believe I shit on my favourite singer

AND I missed out on a kidnapping?

This has been the worst Golden Week ever.

MUSIC: It's No Sweat (If You Sweat)

# It's no sweat if you sweat, girl

# You know, tonight we're both getting wet, girl

# Call the lifeguard cos I'm about to drown

# Call me the Titanic

# Because I'm going...

# Yeah, it's no sweat if you sweat, girl

# You know, tonight we're both getting wet, girl

# Call the lifeguard cos I'm about to drown

# Call me the Titanic

# Because I'm going down. #