Golden Aunt Siblings


Golden Aunt

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This programme contains strong language

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-Have you seen those illegal caffeine pills?

-I took the last three.

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I wanted to stay up and finish writing my graphic novel.

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It's about a set of triplet werewolves

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who use their sense of smell to solve crimes.

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Shit, Dan, I really needed those for work. It's Annual Report Week.

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How am I supposed to get through it if I'm not chemically enhanced?

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-What's Annual Report Week?

-Oh!

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Every year, we have to spaff out this massive document

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for the stupid shareholders.

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It usually means a whole week of staying late.

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-I'm talking 6.30, 7.

-That's insane.

-I know.

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It's like modern-day slavery,

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except with a salary and health insurance.

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Hey, how about this afternoon you call up the office

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and pretend to be my doctor, say I've got swine flu or something?

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I'm always up for impersonating a doctor, but I can't.

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I've got another salsa class with Mum.

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-You and Mum are doing salsa classes together?

-Yeah, it's the worst.

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I just don't understand how such a delicious sauce

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can be such a boring activity.

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-Well, why did you sign up for it, then?

-I didn't. Mum did.

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-Just tell her to fuck off.

-Hannah!

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Mum gave us the gift of life. We owe her everything.

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Also, she threatened to cut off my allowance.

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That does sound pretty rough.

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God, you're so lucky Mum doesn't really like you.

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-Mum doesn't like me?

-Oops, sorry.

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HORN BEEPS

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-SALSA MUSIC PLAYS

-Good, ladies! Very nice.

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And left.

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And right.

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Great. Excellent!

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Very good. Keep your bodies nice and close together.

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Daniel, this is not a difficult step.

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-An upright horse could do it.

-I'm trying my best.

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Well, try harder.

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Now put your hand on the small of Mummy's back.

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Mum, is there seriously no-one else you can do this with?

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I mean, this is so weird.

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Everyone else here's just retired couples.

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That's not true. What about Vivian and Ralph?

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And spin.

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Yeah, but Ralph's the weirdest guy I've ever met.

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There's nothing weird about spending quality time with your mother.

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I'm going to the bathroom.

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I want to remove my bra so I can let loose for the next number.

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Keep your arms still.

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-Hello, Dan.

-Oh!

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Hi, Ralph. Sorry, I didn't realise you were there.

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I'm very light on my feet. Unlike some people.

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Oh, yeah. Well, I'm just sort of here as a favour to my mum.

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I mean, she breast-fed me for five years. Least I could do.

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If you really want to do your mum a favour, you should kill yourself.

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-What?

-Just saying.

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It's the big recital next week

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and me and my mum are going to fuck you and your mum in the ass.

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Dude, I told you - I really don't care about this salsa stuff.

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So pathetic. No wonder your mum doesn't respect you.

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She respects me.

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-Ow, what the hell?!

-Stop chitchatting.

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Now, come on, let's get on with the practice.

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One more time! From the top.

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SIREN BLARES

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Hey, Lloyd, what's going on?

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Someone found a headless corpse in the lift.

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Ugh, gross!

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Turns out the company above us was a front for some Chinese drug ring.

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I mean, in retrospect, that does kind of make sense.

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What kind of name is Business Incorporated?

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-So what happens now?

-They're going to do a load of forensics.

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Apparently, the office is shut down for the week.

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Kind of messes with your head, doesn't it?

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Something so tragic happening right where we work.

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Yeah, the fragility of human life, whatever.

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Did you just say we get a whole week off work?

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What about the annual report?

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Um, I dunno. I guess it'll be postponed.

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Sweet!

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Bonus holiday week? Thank you, Triads.

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Daniel, you were by far the worst dancer in the class today

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and Hector is on his third set of knees.

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This week, I want you practising at home.

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I'll try, but I've got a lot on.

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I need to redraft the last chapter of Wolf-Cops.

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While I'm paying for your idle life,

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I will be the organ-grinder, you will be my dancing monkey.

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God, you even manage to make a dancing monkey sound boring.

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-Shh!

-Brrr!

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-Is that a voice coming from my bathroom?

-Shit!

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Maybe it's a burglar and he stopped to take a bath.

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Why would a burglar stop to take a bath?

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It might be like his calling card.

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He leaves a dirt ring and some pubes so you know he's been here.

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Come with me.

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Right, you go in there and bash him on the head.

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Seriously? What if I hurt him?

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He is trespassing on my property.

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-Now, go!

-Ahhhh!

-SHE GASPS

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-Oh!

-Marion!

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And little baby Dan. What a wonderful surprise.

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-For goodness' sake, Leslie.

-Mum, you know the burglar?

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-It's not a burglar. It's my sister.

-Oh.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Ah, sweet. Just in time.

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Oh, er, I didn't order any Cajun chicken chunks.

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-Actually, those come as part of your meal deal.

-Sweet!

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You know, this day is shaping up to be the perfect day.

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On the way home, this guy shouted, "Nice arse," at me.

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Then he got clipped by a white van. Best of both worlds.

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At least someone's having a good day.

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My last delivery turned out to be a prank call.

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Now I've got five pepperonis stinking out my car.

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Wait, you've got five pizzas in your car?

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-What are you going to do with them?

-I guess throw them out.

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Or you could slide them my way.

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You're going to eat six large pizzas?

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What are you, a pizza guy or a fucking nutritionist?

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Ah, yes!

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Oh, sorry, I would give you a tip, but I've only got notes, so...

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Dread to ask, Leslie, but what are you doing here?

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Can't a girl stop by to visit her big sister

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and her favourite little nephew?

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Look at you, Dan. I haven't seen you since you were six

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and I left you with those Hell's Angels.

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WHEEZY LAUGH

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-What have you been doing with yourself?

-Mostly chilling out.

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I went to prison for a bit, which was OK.

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I made my own version of Capri-Sun in the toilet.

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Who'd have thought? Little baby Dan turned into such a resourceful young man.

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-I'm proud of you!

-What about you?

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What have you been up to since you last disappeared?

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Apart from breaking and entering.

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Well, I was a roadie for a bit.

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Dog walker. Licensed chiropractor.

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Unlicensed chiropractor.

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You know, for me, my life is my art.

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So, really, the last few years have been a crazy fucking tapestry.

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It sounds like you've been a very busy bee.

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I'm sure you'll be needing to head off.

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Yeah, the thing is, Maz,

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um, I'm currently a teensy bit... What's the word? Um...

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..homeless.

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I broke up with Spike.

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Ugh, that leather-clad Welsh degenerate.

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Well, I was just wondering if maybe I could crash here

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just for a couple of nights, just till I get myself sorted?

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-Absolutely not.

-Oh, wow.

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My own sister doesn't care if I'm sleeping rough.

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I'll just find myself an alleyway and maybe I'll kill a rat

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and I'll roast it over an open wheelie bin.

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Mum, you can't let her sleep rough and eat rats for dinner.

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I know what I'm doing.

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She waltzes in here every few years with some sob story

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and then won't get lost until I've opened my cheque book.

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-Well, it won't work this time.

-Don't worry, Aunt Leslie.

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You can stay with me for as long as you need.

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Dan, you're my hero!

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I AM a hero. A superhero.

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And mum's the villain - the wicked Cruelzilla.

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-Shut up, Daniel.

-Sorry, Mum.

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Welcome to my bachelor pad.

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Or, as I like to call it, Dan-sylvania.

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-Cool to sleep on the sofa?

-Oh, yeah, I'm sure I'll manage.

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-I once squatted for two months in a condemned abattoir.

-Cool.

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Dan, I've had the most amazing day today.

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Someone got killed at the office and I got some free pizza.

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-Look who's here! Aunt Leslie!

-Ohh!

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She just broke up with her boyfriend so I said she could crash with us.

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You can take this bangle as a sort of thank you.

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-I found that on Jim Morrison's grave.

-Wow, sweet!

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Look at this - I've got some cool jewellery

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and my fun, sexy aunt to hang out with.

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Today, it just keeps getting better.

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I thought you said today was going to be a "paperwork Guantanamo"?

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Yeah, but since then, not a single thing has gone wrong.

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I don't want to jinx it, but I think this might be...

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the Golden Week.

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-Sorry, what's the Golden Week?

-I'm glad you asked, Aunt Leslie.

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The Golden Week is a special, once-in-a-lifetime phenomenon.

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No, please don't do this again.

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It's a full week of uninterrupted luck, prosperity and joy.

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And it's my white whale.

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Oh, sure, I've come mighty close more than a few times.

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-Hannah, please stop.

-The first being in December 2002.

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I was 13.

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I won the gold medal at gymkhana

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and I went up two bra sizes in one night.

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Then, to cap it all off,

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I had tickets to that week's recording of Top Of The Pops.

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Was a young Hannah French giddy at the thought of being on television?

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Just a bit.

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But on the very last day of my Golden Week,

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Katie McGuire accidentally broke my nose in PE.

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Top Of The Pops wouldn't let me on with two black eyes

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and my Golden Week was ruined.

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But I have a feeling that Old Lady Fate

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may be giving me another chance.

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Don't you think you might be taking this a bit too seriously?

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It's just a bunch of random stuff happening.

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No, I think she might be on to something, Dan.

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I've always believed in unseen cosmic forces sort of guiding us on our journey...

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Nah, nah, that's bullshit.

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But the Golden Week is definitely legit.

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Look, I'll prove it.

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I bought this scratchcard earlier today.

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-There's no way that I can lose.

-That's crazy.

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You're crazy, Hannah.

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Well, this crazy son of a gun has just won a two-night stay

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at a three-star bed and breakfast in Swanage, travel not included.

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I am invincible!

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Swanage...

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You know, I was in a real state after breaking up with Spike,

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but hanging with you these last few days,

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I am in a much better head space.

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Come on, you're my favourite aunt.

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I mean, you're my only aunt,

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but you're still number one in my books.

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And that is why I am going to treat you to a massive spread.

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I hope you like fancy cheese.

0:10:230:10:25

-Whoa! Did you steal that cheese?

-Could call it stealing.

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Or you could argue that cheese is a natural resource.

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It is of the earth.

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Like, putting a price on cheese,

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that's like putting a price on oxygen, or oil.

0:10:360:10:39

-Yeah...

-Take this bottle of wine.

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-Right, what is it?

-Did you steal...?

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It's a bottle of crushed grapes.

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And yet they expect 12 quid for it.

0:10:460:10:48

Can you imagine spending 12 quid on some crushed grapes?

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The way I see it, ownership is just a concept.

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It's just something to tie free spirits like you and I down.

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-That is my whole philosophy.

-Wow!

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I always thought philosophy was, like, what's the point of life?

0:11:030:11:05

Or, is it OK to eat toast if you drop it on the ground?

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-But I love yours.

-PHONE RINGS

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Oh, shit. It's Mum.

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She keeps calling to check that I'm practising her dumb salsa steps.

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-Let it ring. She'll get the hint.

-Really?

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Dan, the world is full of people who get off on telling us what to do -

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parents, clergy...

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paramedics.

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Sometimes, you've just got to ignore them and do your own thing.

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RINGING STOPS

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See? You've always got to trust your Aunt Leslie.

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Be a poppet.

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Stick that in the fridge for me.

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Hannah, is that you?

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Katie McGuire!

0:11:460:11:47

Oh, my God! I haven't seen you since school. How's it going?

0:11:470:11:51

Good! How are you? What are you up to?

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Oh, I was just looking up some horse races.

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I'm on a bit of a lucky streak this week.

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I was thinking of putting 300 quid on Philip Seymour Hoofman.

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It's crazy bumping into you. I was just talking about you.

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-Oh, really?

-Yeah, about how you broke my nose in PE.

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Oh, God, that was so bad.

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There was blood everywhere

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and you kept, like, mumbling about Top Of The Pops?

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-I felt like such crap.

-Oh, hey, it was an accident.

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I mean, sure, it did ruin my Golden Week,

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but it's not like I think about that three or four times a week.

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Sorry. How about you? What are you up to these days?

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Oh, I'm trying to direct. TV, promos, that kind of shiz.

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I'm actually making a music video at the moment.

0:12:310:12:33

-Have you heard of that R&B guy, Zeff?

-Zeff?

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The one who does the songs about women sweating?

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-Yeah, that's the one.

-Oh, my God, I love that guy.

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# Gonna make you sweat till you're wet. #

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-Yeah!

-That is so cool!

-It's a bit stressy at the moment.

0:12:440:12:47

We're shooting in, like, two days and one of the girls we're using

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slipped on some baby oil and dislocated her shoulder.

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I'm scrabbling to find a replacement and none of the agencies...

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SHE GASPS The Golden Week.

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Katie, listen. Let me be the replacement. I can do it.

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Really? You know we can't pay you, like, anything, right?

0:13:020:13:05

I know this might sound crazy, but I think that girl's shoulder

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snapped out of its socket for a reason.

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So I could star in your music video and finally achieve a Golden Week.

0:13:100:13:16

OK, brill! Although you wouldn't really be starring in it.

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It's just one scene. You'd mainly be there as eye candy...

0:13:190:13:21

Katie, please do not ruin yet another Golden Week for me!

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LESLIE LAUGHS

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-Hey, Hannah.

-Oh, hi, Han. Perfect timing.

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I need a wazz. Want to take my place?

0:13:360:13:38

SHE CONTINUES LAUGHING

0:13:380:13:39

-Dan, you got a ping-pong table?

-Oh, yeah.

0:13:410:13:43

Aunt Leslie's mate Big Phil

0:13:430:13:45

needed to get rid of some stuff real quick,

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so he gave it to us for ten quid.

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-Huh!

-He threw in a bunch of this laughing gas as well.

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-HISSING

-Aunt Leslie is awesome.

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She knows so much about life and philosophy

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and how to disable security tags.

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Clearly, my Golden Week is rubbing off on you.

0:14:010:14:03

-Are you still going on about that?

-Dan, it's the real deal.

0:14:030:14:06

Today, I randomly bumped into Katie McGuire.

0:14:060:14:08

-And get this - she's putting me in her music video.

-Seriously?

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Yeah, it's for Zeff's new single - It's No Sweat (If You Sweat).

0:14:130:14:17

Oh, my God! I've got all his albums.

0:14:170:14:19

Slippery When Sweat, Sweat It Be, You Sweat Your Ass...

0:14:190:14:22

Well, I've got the costume fitting for the vid tomorrow,

0:14:220:14:25

so maybe I could snag you an autograph.

0:14:250:14:27

Yes!

0:14:280:14:30

Thanks for stepping in at such short notice.

0:14:310:14:33

The shoot should be totes standard - four, five hours, then you're free.

0:14:330:14:36

You could probably even keep the dress.

0:14:360:14:39

A golden dress for a Golden Week.

0:14:390:14:41

-Hey, ladies, hope I'm not interrupting anything.

-Hey, Zeff!

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Oh, this is Hannah. She's the girl replacing Monique.

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It's great to meet you. I'm a huge fan.

0:14:480:14:51

# Ooh, girl, you're so fine Got me sweating like, whoa. #

0:14:510:14:54

Nice to meet to, honey.

0:14:540:14:56

Listen, Katie, that intern kid messed up my lunch order again.

0:14:560:14:59

He got me a damn prawn salad and everybody knows that...

0:14:590:15:01

# Zeff don't fuck with the shellfish. #

0:15:010:15:04

I am so sorry, I'll fix it for you.

0:15:040:15:06

Thank you, Katie. You're the greatest.

0:15:060:15:08

Absolute pleasure to make your acquaintance. I'll see you tomorrow.

0:15:080:15:12

# Not if I see you first. #

0:15:120:15:15

OK, cool. I think we're all set here.

0:15:180:15:21

-Is there anything else you need?

-Don't think so.

0:15:210:15:24

Actually, is that salad just up for grabs now?

0:15:240:15:27

-Um... Yeah, sure.

-Great!

0:15:270:15:29

A free lunch and a free dress?

0:15:290:15:32

Oh, Golden Week, you do shine so bright.

0:15:320:15:35

-SALSA MUSIC PLAYS

-And left. And right.

0:15:350:15:38

That's great! Excellent!

0:15:380:15:40

Very good. Keep your bodies nice and close together.

0:15:400:15:44

That's it...

0:15:450:15:47

Daniel, you just trod on my toes. What's the matter with you?

0:15:470:15:51

And why do you smell like a Dutch strip club?

0:15:510:15:53

I'm sorry. I'm just really hung-over.

0:15:530:15:55

Me and Aunt Leslie had a massive night last night.

0:15:550:15:58

What did I tell you about fraternising with her?

0:15:580:16:00

Please...keep your voice down, Mum.

0:16:000:16:02

My head is killing me from all the laughing gas.

0:16:020:16:04

Oh, great, now she's got you doing drugs.

0:16:040:16:06

Next you'll be out on the street corner in minishorts

0:16:060:16:08

selling favours to perverts.

0:16:080:16:11

Daniel, that woman is a selfish, destructive imbecile.

0:16:110:16:14

She is not an imbecile. She knows a lot about politics.

0:16:140:16:18

Did you know that the Iraq War was because of oil?

0:16:180:16:21

Uh-oh, trouble in paradise.

0:16:210:16:23

-Oh, shut up, you weirdo.

-Daniel, don't make a scene.

0:16:230:16:27

No, Mum, and stop telling me what to do.

0:16:270:16:29

I'm not a kid any more. I'm a grown man.

0:16:290:16:31

I shouldn't be at a fucking salsa class with my mum.

0:16:310:16:34

I should be hanging out with my aunt.

0:16:340:16:36

Daniel, don't you dare walk out!

0:16:360:16:37

You were too good for him anyway.

0:16:410:16:43

I'm going to use that fucking ratty ponytail to garrotte you!

0:16:450:16:48

Do you hear me, Spike? Spike?

0:16:480:16:50

Ahhhhh!

0:16:500:16:53

-Ah! Urgh!

-Everything OK?

0:16:530:16:55

It's Spike, my ex.

0:16:550:16:57

He flogged the minivan that we bought together

0:16:570:16:59

and he's refusing to give me my share of the money.

0:16:590:17:01

What a dick! We should sue him, go all Erin Brockovich on his ass.

0:17:010:17:05

I don't want the authorities involved.

0:17:050:17:07

I've got a few outstanding warrants.

0:17:070:17:08

You know, unpaid parking fines, impersonating a judge.

0:17:080:17:11

-Shit, what are you going to do?

-He's actually on his way.

0:17:110:17:13

He's coming over to drop off my stuff.

0:17:130:17:16

Do you reckon you could stick around?

0:17:160:17:18

I could do with some backup from my big, brave nephew.

0:17:180:17:20

HE SCOFFS

0:17:200:17:22

I guess I am pretty big and brave.

0:17:220:17:24

Aaaah! Fucking hell!

0:17:240:17:26

Oh, my God. Are you OK?

0:17:260:17:28

Er, I'm on my way to star in a hot music video,

0:17:280:17:31

so I'd say, yeah, I'm doing pretty well.

0:17:310:17:33

Hannah, no offence, but you look like total dogshit.

0:17:330:17:36

He's right, Han-Han. You should go back to bed.

0:17:360:17:39

-No way. I'll be fine. It's just nerves.

-Nerves?

0:17:390:17:43

OK, there is a small chance

0:17:430:17:45

that I might have contracted food poisoning from a free prawn salad,

0:17:450:17:48

but I'm not missing this shoot.

0:17:480:17:50

This is the crowning glory of my new Golden Week.

0:17:500:17:53

So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go be... Hm...

0:17:530:17:57

..sexy.

0:18:000:18:02

Ooh.

0:18:040:18:05

DOORBELL RINGS

0:18:140:18:16

That'll be Spike.

0:18:160:18:17

-All right, Leslie?

-Hello, Spike.

0:18:190:18:21

Did you bring my 500 quid? Son of a bitch!

0:18:210:18:24

I told you, Leslie - I don't owe you a bloody penny.

0:18:240:18:27

I paid for half that van and it was my idea to use it as a bang bus.

0:18:270:18:32

Well, you owe me a grand for throwing my laptop in the canal.

0:18:320:18:35

Come on, Spike, we're all civilised adults here.

0:18:350:18:37

Who's this fucking gangly ballsack?

0:18:370:18:40

OK, that's a not a great place to start negotiations,

0:18:400:18:43

but at least we've got a dialogue going.

0:18:430:18:45

How's this for a dialogue? Both of you can piss the fuck off.

0:18:450:18:48

Listen, Spike, I'm not gunning for an argument.

0:18:500:18:52

I just really need the money.

0:18:520:18:54

Bloody hell, what is that?!

0:18:540:18:57

What are you on about, woman?

0:18:570:18:58

BOTH GRUNT

0:18:580:19:00

Oh, my God!

0:19:000:19:02

-Aunt Leslie, what have you done?

-Oh, don't worry.

0:19:020:19:04

I've just chloroformed him. Right, let's get him inside.

0:19:040:19:07

SHE STRAINS

0:19:080:19:10

KNOCK ON DOOR

0:19:120:19:14

-What's up, Hannah? How's it going?

-Oh, great!

0:19:140:19:17

Nightmare getting here, though.

0:19:170:19:19

Taxi driver kept trying to take me to hospital.

0:19:190:19:21

-But I am here and I am raring to go.

-Cool beans.

0:19:210:19:25

I just came to say we're a smidge behind schedule.

0:19:250:19:27

Zeff said his sunglasses weren't "trill" enough

0:19:270:19:29

and we're not sure what that means,

0:19:290:19:31

so we're trying out a bunch of new pairs.

0:19:310:19:33

-Oh. How long's that going to take?

-Not sure. Could be a few hours.

0:19:330:19:36

I mean, Zeff's a real perfectionist.

0:19:360:19:37

You know, he spent eight months

0:19:370:19:39

just choosing the snare for his track, Pussy Sweat.

0:19:390:19:41

-But you're all right to hang tight right, yeah?

-Yeah!

0:19:410:19:44

I might just put my head on the floor here, where it's nice and cool.

0:19:440:19:48

-Ohh...

-Are you all right, Hannah? It looks like you're shivering.

0:19:480:19:51

With excitement! I'm living the dream.

0:19:510:19:54

OK, cool. Well, I'll come get you when we're ready.

0:19:540:19:57

Tell Zeff I said hey!

0:19:570:19:59

Oh!

0:19:590:20:00

We can do this the easy way

0:20:010:20:04

or we can do it the way where I beat you with a phonebook.

0:20:040:20:07

-What do you say?

-I say go fuck yourself, you crazy mare.

0:20:070:20:11

All right, we'll do it your way.

0:20:110:20:12

Let's see how stubborn you are without earlobes.

0:20:120:20:15

Dan, where do you keep your knives?

0:20:150:20:18

Er...

0:20:180:20:19

Dude, I'm so sorry about this whole kidnap sitch.

0:20:200:20:24

I'm sure one day we'll look back at this and laugh.

0:20:240:20:27

Aunt Leslie, um...

0:20:280:20:30

don't you think this is getting a bit too crazy?

0:20:300:20:34

Maybe we should just let him go,

0:20:340:20:36

give him a Toblerone to smooth things over.

0:20:360:20:38

I'm not going to let him go, Dan. I want my money.

0:20:380:20:40

But didn't you say money is just an illusion?

0:20:400:20:42

Yeah, not when it's mine. Could you be a poppet?

0:20:420:20:45

Can you find me a tea towel and a bucket of water?

0:20:450:20:47

I think I'm going to have a crack at waterboarding.

0:20:470:20:50

Sure.

0:20:500:20:51

Get right on that.

0:20:510:20:53

Might pop out for a sec.

0:20:540:20:56

Don't start the torture without me.

0:20:560:20:58

DOOR SHUTS

0:21:010:21:03

OK, think sexy, think sweaty.

0:21:030:21:05

We're going to get to the second repeat of the chorus,

0:21:050:21:07

look right, look left,

0:21:070:21:09

maybe a couple of hair flicks, we'll clink glasses.

0:21:090:21:12

Hannah, did you get all that?

0:21:120:21:14

Everywhere is rabbits.

0:21:140:21:16

HER STOMACH GURGLES

0:21:160:21:17

No more.

0:21:170:21:19

Uhh, cool.

0:21:200:21:22

OK, I'm just going to check

0:21:220:21:23

that make-up are ready with the fake sweat

0:21:230:21:25

and then we should be good to go.

0:21:250:21:27

OK, everybody, take five.

0:21:270:21:29

Come on, French. This is your Golden Week.

0:21:310:21:36

You're nearly at the finish line. You can do this.

0:21:360:21:38

'Of course you can, Hannah.

0:21:380:21:40

'You're the bravest girl in the world

0:21:450:21:49

'and we're all proud of you.'

0:21:490:21:51

Right, that isn't good.

0:22:090:22:12

RINGS DOORBELL

0:22:140:22:15

-Mum...

-Well, if it isn't the dancing Judas.

0:22:180:22:21

I'm busy, Daniel, what do you want?

0:22:210:22:23

Mum, I really need your help. I'm in way over my head.

0:22:230:22:25

Right, well, I guess you'd better come in. Wipe your feet.

0:22:250:22:29

Oh, and try not to stab me in the back again, will you?

0:22:300:22:33

Oh, my! Caught in the act.

0:22:340:22:37

Ralph? What are you doing here?

0:22:370:22:39

I needed a new salsa partner after you so cruelly abandoned me

0:22:390:22:42

and Ralph kindly volunteered.

0:22:420:22:44

You didn't treat the lady right and now she's mine.

0:22:440:22:47

Her and I are going to be unstoppable come the big recital.

0:22:470:22:51

Mate, literally no-one cares about the recital.

0:22:510:22:54

Mum, Aunt Leslie's in the flat. I think she's gone insane.

0:22:540:22:56

I'm really scared.

0:22:560:22:58

It's worse than the time I got stuck on that ghost train.

0:22:580:23:00

Oh, if only someone had warned you Leslie was trouble.

0:23:000:23:02

You were right. I should have listened to you.

0:23:020:23:04

Now can you please fix this for me?

0:23:040:23:06

-I want you to say it.

-Say what?

-You know.

0:23:060:23:10

-Mummy knows best.

-Wonderful.

0:23:110:23:13

Now, let's go and lance the boil that is my sister.

0:23:130:23:15

But, Marion, what about us? What about our rehearsal?

0:23:150:23:19

Ralph, you are a stellar dancer

0:23:190:23:21

and an even better love-maker.

0:23:210:23:23

But I must go and help my son.

0:23:230:23:25

Oh.

0:23:290:23:30

# Now it's 2am We've been here for hours

0:23:310:23:34

# The room's a rainforest It's like a walk-in shower

0:23:340:23:38

# I'm so excited I don't know where to place my hands

0:23:380:23:40

# All I know is I'm in love with your sebaceous glands

0:23:400:23:43

# It's no sweat if you sweat, girl

0:23:430:23:46

# You know, tonight we're both getting wet, girl

0:23:460:23:49

# Call the lifeguard cos I'm about to drown

0:23:490:23:52

# Call me the Titanic

0:23:520:23:54

# Because I'm going...

0:23:540:23:56

# Yeah, it's no sweat if you sweat, girl

0:23:560:23:58

# You know, tonight we're both getting wet, girl

0:23:580:24:02

# Call the lifeguard cos I'm about to drown

0:24:020:24:04

# Call me the Titanic

0:24:040:24:06

# Because I'm going down. #

0:24:060:24:08

Cut. Guys, that take was great.

0:24:110:24:15

I think maybe we're done for the day.

0:24:150:24:17

Ohh! I did it. Ohh!

0:24:170:24:20

-Zeff, you happy?

-I dunno.

0:24:200:24:22

-I wasn't feeling it. Something's not right.

-What?!

0:24:220:24:24

# Zeff just got an idea. #

0:24:240:24:27

We need to switch these two girls around.

0:24:270:24:29

What? I thought you said we were finished.

0:24:290:24:32

You're the sweatiest girl here. You've gotta be by my side.

0:24:320:24:34

That's the only way to make it trill.

0:24:340:24:36

If that would be the most trill, let's just go with that.

0:24:360:24:39

Hannah, switch places and we'll go again.

0:24:390:24:41

BELL RINGS

0:24:410:24:44

OK, ready? Action!

0:24:440:24:47

MUSIC PLAYS

0:24:470:24:48

HER STOMACH GURGLES Oh, God.

0:24:510:24:54

I've gotta get out. I've gotta get out.

0:24:540:24:56

I... I need to...

0:24:560:24:58

Can you stop? Stop...

0:24:580:25:00

Look, you have to stop. I need to get...

0:25:000:25:03

WET FART Oh!

0:25:030:25:05

What the fuck?! This girl just shat in the booth!

0:25:050:25:08

This ain't trill, Katie!

0:25:080:25:10

The Golden Week...is dead.

0:25:100:25:13

Ah.

0:25:130:25:14

Ah!

0:25:160:25:18

Dan, you are back just in time to see me rub peppers into his eyes.

0:25:190:25:22

Maz? What are you doing here?

0:25:240:25:27

I'm sorry, Aunt Leslie. I had to do something.

0:25:270:25:29

This hostage thing is crazy

0:25:290:25:31

and Hannah would go spare if she found a toe under the fridge.

0:25:310:25:33

What on earth is this all about?

0:25:330:25:35

This bastard owes me half a grand.

0:25:350:25:37

-Do I fuck!

-Oh, for goodness' sake.

0:25:370:25:39

Listen, I will give you the money myself

0:25:390:25:42

if it means you disappear back to wherever it is you came from.

0:25:420:25:46

-Really?

-Take this...

0:25:460:25:48

on condition you keep away from my son.

0:25:480:25:51

Babe, it fucking worked!

0:25:530:25:55

-Hold it together, Spike.

-What the hell?

0:25:550:25:58

Er... Yeah, I'm sorry, Dan.

0:26:000:26:03

I'm going to be honest. This was, like...

0:26:030:26:06

a teensy bit of a scam...

0:26:060:26:08

and, er, you were the stooge.

0:26:080:26:11

But I saw you chloroform him.

0:26:110:26:13

-That was literally just a hanky.

-Unbelievable.

0:26:130:26:16

-But why, Aunt Leslie?

-I needed the money.

0:26:160:26:18

I'm going to use it to get back my chiropractor's licence back.

0:26:180:26:22

Or maybe just buy a lot of weed.

0:26:220:26:24

Yeah, I haven't decided yet.

0:26:240:26:26

Leslie, just take the money and let's do the mature thing

0:26:260:26:29

-and agree to never speak again.

-Deal.

0:26:290:26:31

And, you know, I've really enjoyed catching up, Dan.

0:26:310:26:34

I mean, we had a laugh.

0:26:340:26:35

I mean, a lot of that was laughing gas, but...

0:26:350:26:38

I'm really going to miss you.

0:26:380:26:39

-Come on, Spike.

-Pleasure to meet you folk.

0:26:410:26:44

I don't know if Leslie mentioned, but I'm actually in a prog rock band.

0:26:440:26:47

We've got a few songs up on SoundCloud.

0:26:470:26:49

Curious Marsupial.

0:26:490:26:51

Look us up, maybe share with your pals. That'd be fab.

0:26:510:26:54

Come on, let's go.

0:26:560:26:58

Got any Twiglets?

0:27:000:27:01

We were had by the best.

0:27:020:27:04

Thanks for saving my arse, Mum.

0:27:060:27:08

Sorry I dragged you here all the way for nothing.

0:27:080:27:11

Well, I'm sure there's a way for you to make it up to me.

0:27:110:27:14

-Hey, sis. Feeling any better?

-Not really.

0:27:240:27:28

I mean, I'm over the food poisoning,

0:27:280:27:29

but someone leaked the footage of me crapping on Zeff

0:27:290:27:32

and now it's all over the internet.

0:27:320:27:34

Ohh, I'm not looking forward to work tomorrow.

0:27:340:27:37

Why are you dressed like a bisexual matador?

0:27:370:27:39

Oh, yeah, I've got the big salsa recital with Mum tonight.

0:27:390:27:43

I really don't want to go,

0:27:430:27:44

but I owe her big-time after the whole hostage thing.

0:27:440:27:47

-What hostage thing?

-Oh, yeah, I didn't tell you!

0:27:470:27:49

Me and Aunt Leslie kidnapped her ex-boyfriend.

0:27:490:27:51

She was going to cut his toes off, but it turned out it was all a scam.

0:27:510:27:54

Oh, man! I can't believe I shit on my favourite singer

0:27:540:27:58

AND I missed out on a kidnapping?

0:27:580:27:59

This has been the worst Golden Week ever.

0:27:590:28:02

MUSIC: It's No Sweat (If You Sweat)

0:28:080:28:12

# It's no sweat if you sweat, girl

0:28:120:28:14

# You know, tonight we're both getting wet, girl

0:28:140:28:17

# Call the lifeguard cos I'm about to drown

0:28:170:28:20

# Call me the Titanic

0:28:200:28:22

# Because I'm going...

0:28:220:28:24

# Yeah, it's no sweat if you sweat, girl

0:28:240:28:26

# You know, tonight we're both getting wet, girl

0:28:260:28:29

# Call the lifeguard cos I'm about to drown

0:28:290:28:33

# Call me the Titanic

0:28:330:28:35

# Because I'm going down. #

0:28:350:28:36

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