Gregg and Lily Siblings

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

-Hurry up, I don't want to be late.

-Why is Dad throwing himself

a birthday party anyway?

Uh, because they're awesome.

He's been acting really weird lately.

We went for lunch a few weeks ago

and he was way more chilled out than normal.

He even smiled a couple of times.

What, you and Dad had lunch? Whenever I ask to hang out with him he's always like,

"Of course I don't want to play Frisbee in the middle of the afternoon."

But dads always have a special bond with their oldest kids.

It's thanks to me that he knows he's got healthy sperm.

Well, I think I'll be jumping to the top of the favourite kid list

when he gets a load of my present.

It even plays a personalised message.

'Happy birthday, Dad. I hope you have a...'

-BANGING

-'Fuck. Shit. Oh, shit!'

I spilt some soup on it when I was recording the message

and I can't figure out how to delete it.

I think my status as favourite kid is safe for now.

Now come on.

Help me find some junk in here that I can pass off as a thoughtful gift.

I'm not taking business calls, I'm trying to enjoy my fucking birthday.

-Hey, Dad.

-Hi, how are you two? How's work?

-Good.

I've managed to get around the internet filter at my office,

so I can watch clips with full frontal in them at my desk.

And what about you, Dan?

Are you still spending your days trying to...

What was it, invent a new egg?

No, it was a new way of cooking eggs instead of frying or poaching.

But after I got salmonella for the fourth time, I just sort of gave up.

That's my boy.

Hey, I got you a present.

Superglue?

Yes, because you are the glue in our lives.

And you are super at it.

That's great, I'll pop it next to the triple-A batteries you got me for my 50th.

Don't worry, Dad. My present is a lot less shitty than Hannah's.

It's a bespoke, stuffed bear.

-Complete with a personalised...

-PHONE RINGS

How many times do I have to say, I am busy?

Seriously, I am this close to getting the words,

"Leave me the fuck alone" embroidered on a pillow

and coming round there and smothering you with it!

See what I mean? He is definitely more chilled out than usual.

Whoa, there's like two pigs' worth of cocktail sausages here.

Dad's really gone all out with this soiree.

Yeah, and look how many of Dad's friends and family are here.

He hates his friends and family.

I don't like this. Something's up.

God, you're really suspicious.

Seriously, you look like a chimp that's just been given a snow globe.

CLINKING OF GLASS

Excuse me, everyone. If I could have your attention, please.

I don't want to break up the festivities,

but there are a couple of people I'd like you to meet. Beverley, Lily.

Now, Beverley and I met five months ago.

I was on my way to Clacton to do some business,

so as you can imagine I was on the verge of self-harming.

LAUGHTER

Fortunately, I was sat next to this angel, and...

Well, three hours later I was smitten.

And last week when I asked her to marry me...

ALL: Ooh!

She said yes.

Lucky bastard!

Dan, why are you laughing? Did you hear what Dad just said?

Yeah, he's getting married.

Exactly. This is massive news and he just casually springs it on us

like he's saying he needs to go pee or something.

I don't care, I'm happy for him.

I hope my second wife is that hot.

Dad, could I have a word?

Here we go.

All right. Come on, let's hear it, Hannah.

No, no, no. I just...

I just want to say congratulations on your engagement.

Really?

I also wondered if you were planning

on dropping any other bombshells today?

You're moving to Burundi? You got me and Dan from an orphanage?

This house is actually made of fucking naan bread?

OK, maybe a wee bit dramatic.

Dad, who is this woman?

How do we know she doesn't go looking for sad old men

that she can marry and turn into a pair of gloves?

And she's got a kid as well?

Do you really want to get mixed up with some loose, single mother?

Well, firstly, Beverley is a human rights lawyer.

And secondly, you do have a slightly annoying habit of ruining shit.

God, I'm so offended.

Basically, Beverley's the first good thing to happen to me

since Mad Cow Disease ended and I was able to eat red meat again.

I didn't want anything, or anyone, harpooning it.

Lily, right? I'm Dan.

Gregg's my dad.

So I guess he's your dad now too.

I guess so.

Well, I just wanted say that I'm really excited about

getting to do all the cool big bro stuff.

Like giving advice, recommending music,

hooking you up with the old...

Also, I wanted to give you this.

I got it for my dad, but I think you should have it.

-Thank you.

-No problem.

'Happy birthday, Dad. I hope you have a...'

-BANGING

-'Fuck. Shit. Oh, shit!'

Enjoy.

Hi, Beverley.

Hey, I'm Hannah, Gregg's daughter.

Oh, yes. Hi, nice to finally meet you.

Listen, I don't know what my dad has said about me to you,

but I just wanted to say that I'm really happy for you guys.

Thanks, Hannah.

And, sorry about all this secrecy, but your dad insisted.

He can be pretty stubborn.

Oh, yeah. He's just a dick sometimes.

Look at us connecting like this. God, it's exhilarating, isn't it?

Hey, what do you say we try and kick this bonding sesh into overdrive?

I'm going to go grab us a plate of cocktail sausages

and you're telling me everything.

Daddio! Great news!

You made any plans for the stag do yet?

I could score us a Groupon to Euro Disney.

-Thanks, son, but we haven't even set a date yet.

-Really?

Yeah, well, Beverley's got a fuckload of cases,

and I am swimming through a sewer of work shit.

I tell you, running your own company's like being shafted

with a dildo made of migraines.

God, I'm not looking forward to that when I take over.

What are you talking about?

You know, when you...

(die...)

and I inherit the company. I mean, it is a family business.

It's not a family business. It's my business.

You're not taking over shit.

But I assumed I'd get it eventually.

You're the Queen, I'm Prince Charles -

hanging back, growing veg, waiting for you to pop it.

Dan, do you even know what my company does?

Yeah, you make phone boxes.

-I develop property.

-Really?

Look, Dan, no offence, but I'm more likely to hand off

my company to one of my Boxing Day dumps.

Dad, that's not fair!

Come on, I'm your son.

Shouldn't I at least get a chance to, like, prove myself?

-HE SIGHS

-All right, how about this?

Come and work with me for a week, and we'll see

if my company's still standing at the end of that.

Right, and then I get to run it?

Absolutely not. But maybe I can find a job for you somewhere.

-Sweet.

-You've got to take this seriously.

I want you in the office first thing Monday.

Sure thing.

And just to check, there's absolutely no chance

that first thing means 12.30, one-ish, is there?

So right now, we're defending this Congolese drum band who have

been jailed for their anti-government songs.

I mean, the music's unlistenable but the message is so powerful.

Wow. Of all the women my dad's gone out with,

you are definitely the most impressive.

I mean, his last girlfriend worked the night shift at a 24-hour tanning salon.

Well, I love what I do. Although it can be tough juggling things.

Like, Lily's nanny's off next week. I still haven't found any cover and I've got a...

Uh, yes, you have, because you're looking at your cover right now.

Just call me the human tarpaulin.

Really? I can't ask you to do that.

Beverley, I insist.

I mean, that's what family's for, right?

Oh, thank you. You are a life-saver!

All right, Beverley, I see you've met Hannah.

She hasn't drawn blood yet, has she?

No, we've had a lovely chat, actually.

She's offered to help look after Lily next week.

-Why? What are you up to, Hannah?

-Nothing.

I'm just being the nice, generous person I always am.

You know, the kind of person who doesn't ruin shit.

Beverley, I know we just met but is it cool if I start calling you Mum?

Sorry I'm late, Dad. I had to stop off and buy this briefcase.

Well, you're here now.

I guess that's a minor victory in itself.

So what's the deal?

Are we sharing this office or am I going to get my own?

Because I'm cool with sharing.

You're not getting a fucking office.

I thought I might send you out with the construction lads.

What? But I thought you were grooming me to take over?

Dan, when I started this company, I was the same age that you are now.

And I did it myself,

through hard graft and fistfuls of anti-depressants.

The whole point of this week is for you to prove that

you've an ounce of work ethic about you.

Trust me. You can't just sit around

and expect good things to be handed to you.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Here's the hot cocoa you asked for.

-Hi, Hannah.

-Sorry I'm late.

I didn't want to have to make small talk with the other parents, you know?

-How was school?

-It was good. Did you bring any snacks?

My nanny normally brings a bag of carrot sticks.

Carrot sticks? That's not a snack.

You're an eight-year-old, not a seaside donkey.

Lily, you forgot your coat.

Thank you, Mr Foley.

You're just lucky it's not my size,

otherwise I would have kept it for myself.

I'll see you tomorrow.

-Who was that?

-That's my teacher, Mr Foley.

He's cute. You're lucky. My Year 4 teacher was Mrs Drury.

She was like 85 and kept shooting up in class because she was diabetic.

Which reminds me, let's go get you some sugar!

Hannah, I'm stuck with some of my maths homework. Can you help?

Yeah, sure thing.

Oh, these are all really easy.

Isn't that cheating?

OK, Lily, I'm going to teach you a proper lesson.

Why do you think people cheat?

Um...because they're bad?

Wrong. Because it's easy and it works.

Trust me, I'd rather be Lance Armstrong than some random loser in a hi-vis jacket.

OK.

Done! See, we've got the whole evening just to have fun.

-How about we make Rice Krispie squares?

-Yes, please.

OK. So the baking tray is just under the sink.

It's just next to the bleach.

Hey, feet off furniture.

I'm trying to sell this place.

Dad, it's not my fault I'm bored. You won't let me do anything.

That's because you've fucked up every job I've given you so far.

You broke eight mugs doing the washing up in the office.

The soap in there is very watery.

Well, look, I've got four people coming to view this house today.

I'd quite like to shift it.

Maybe you should just go home.

No, Dad. You asked me to prove myself to you

and I am not giving up until I do.

I haven't even got to use my briefcase yet.

What have you even got in there?

Yesterday's paper, Mr Potato Head and three bags of Haribo.

Lily said you wanted to talk to me?

Yes, I just wanted a quick chat. In private, actually.

Lily, why don't you go wait in the reading corner?

What's up?

It's about Lily's homework.

I asked the kids to write a paragraph on the pyramids,

but Lily handed in a 30-page Word document?

What can I say, she's a thorough student.

It was the full Wikipedia article on Ancient Egypt.

And, you know, this has been going on all week. And I just thought,

maybe you and I could get together, have a chat.

Seeing as you're Lily's nanny and...

Whoa. OK, OK. Firstly, I am not a nanny, OK?

And secondly, who gives a shit?

Sorry?

Come on, she's eight. She doesn't need to know about the pyramids.

And I don't need to get lectured

by some jumped-up primary school teacher.

Why don't you go and take one of your bloody 3,000 holiday weeks and chill out?

Oh, wow. That really didn't go how I'd planned it in my head.

What do you mean?

Well, I don't really care that much about the homework, either.

-What?

-It's like you said, they're eight.

As long as they know not to lick plug sockets, I've done my job.

Why did you ask to see me, then?

I don't know. I was going to maybe try and ask for your number.

Oh, really?

Well, you could have just asked, instead of going around the houses.

Sorry. Sometimes I just get a bit flustered around pretty girls

and, you know, end up doing stupid stuff.

Well, judging by how dumb that was,

you must think I'm the hottest girl in the world.

Oh...

Give me a call sometime.

Aren't you forgetting something?

Oh. Uh.

I, uh, I meant Lily.

Oh, shit, Lily.

Come on. Come on, Lils.

-Bloody kids, eh?

-Oh.

-Bye, Mr Foley.

-Yes, good to see...

All the windows are double-glazed.

A marching band could be getting pecked to death by a flock of geese

-and you wouldn't hear a peep.

-PHONE RINGS

What?

I'm so sorry, I'm going to have to take this.

Check out those curtains. 20% real silk.

You guys should go for this place.

Excuse me?

I was just saying, I think this place would be a great fit for you two.

I mean, it's got everything - brand-new kitchen, awesome shower.

Plus, you could do anything with that spare room.

Home office, guest room, ball pit.

And, you know, this is a great area to start a family.

I mean, I assume you're both fertile.

Also, I heard that Gwyneth Paltrow used to live here.

Sorry about that, folks. Everything all right?

Um, good.

I think we're maybe going to make an offer.

Well, that's fucking brilliant news.

Yeah, your son pushed us over the edge.

-Let's just check out the spare room again.

-Yeah.

What the hell did you do?

Nothing, I just chatted to them. I guess they liked what I had to say.

Nice one.

And if they start asking about Gwyneth Paltrow, just play along.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hannah, I'm sorry I'm so late, I got held up at the office.

That's OK. Lily's actually having a nap.

I let her paint my nails and I think the paint fumes made her a bit drowsy.

OK, well, I'll go grab her and we'll get out of your hair.

Oh, but first, I do have one slightly big favour to ask.

You're not going to ask for a kidney, are you?

That's why you're marrying my dad, isn't it? I fucking knew it.

No, it's Lily.

She's meant to be having a sleepover this Friday

and now I think I'm going to have to pull an all-nighter that evening,

and I just wondered if maybe...

you might fill in?

Chaperone a sleepover?

I don't know, Bev, I mean, I agreed to baby-sit - for free,

bear in mind - but that does seem like a bit much.

-No, that's all right. Maybe Gregg was right.

-Right about what?

Oh, no. He just said that you're only helping out

-whilst it suited you and that you'd get bored.

-Mm-hm.

He said that? Well, you know what? I will chaperone that sleepover.

-You will?

-Yeah. And you can tell my dad he's a dickwad

-and he doesn't know me as well as he thinks he does.

-OK.

Although he did predict that's exactly how you'd react.

He even wrote it down.

Wow, that is verbatim.

He even got dickwad.

There you go, son. You've earned it.

Cheers, Dad.

And you know, for the sales commission I was thinking 25%,

but I'm happy to negotiate.

Yeah, all right, calm down. You've had one good day.

But maybe I was a bit quick calling you utterly fucking useless.

Thanks, Dad. So you're going to let me take over the company?

No chance. But, I was thinking,

I'm meant to be taking one of my big timber suppliers, Mr Yakamoto,

out on one of those corporate golf days.

OK, sounds fun.

Well, it would be if he wasn't such a fucking supreme bellend.

-But I thought you might like to come with.

-Really?

You can be like my social Teflon vest -

save me from all the bullets of crap he shoots out.

Dad, I would love that more than anything in the world.

I feel like we should hug.

No, no, no. We don't need to hug.

Look at us hugging, like a couple of real businessmen.

Whoa, careful.

Sorry. Just playing 18 rounds of golf today with Dad and a business associate.

Seriously?

I don't mean to brag

but I think I might have taken your place as kid number one.

You know I sold a house, right?

That is so unfair.

You and Dad get to go and play golf, and I have to stay in

and look after a bunch of dumb kids. What is this, the '50s?

What are you talking about?

Lily and her friends are having a sleepover and I agreed to chaperone.

Why?

Because I'm a fucking idiot, and I wanted to prove to Dad I'm not a

social wrecking ball, but this whole thing's just turned into a drag.

I'll be honest, normally when I do things out of spite

it's a lot more fun than this.

Well, I'm sure Dad will really appreciate it.

And I say that as both his colleague and his favourite child.

I hope you get hit in the head with a four iron.

Sorry I'm late, Dad!

I had to stop off and buy this visor.

Nah, you're all right. We're still waiting to tee off.

These twats are fucking taking the piss.

Oi, Tiger Woods!

Stop fiddling with your fanny and get on with it. Wankers.

Dan, this is my timber supplier, Mr Yakamoto.

Please, Mr Yakamoto is my dad's name.

-You can call me Clive.

-OK.

Oi!

(That's Mr Yakamoto? Why is he...?)

-Oh, don't ask.

-Move yourself!

Today's all about smiling and keeping this prick happy.

Think of it as like a colonoscopy - it's going to feel

a bit dirty while it's happening, but in the long run it's worth it.

'Ave it!

And as the rain fell, the car finally stopped to help,

and she climbed inside.

But this was no friendly stranger,

this was the Zodiac Killer!

THEY SCREAM

Hannah, your ghost stories are too scary.

Well, technically it's not a ghost story.

The Zodiac Killer was a real guy.

Fun fact - he never even got caught.

Can we please do something else?

Oh, fine.

How about a pillow fight?

I don't think we should. Amelia has asthma.

Come on, sleepovers are supposed to be wild.

The craziest thing we've done so far is eat unwashed fruit.

You didn't wash the fruit?

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Hey, Hannah, it's Axel.

Who?

Mr Foley. Lily's teacher.

Oh, hey! Wait, your name's Axel Foley?

Yeah, I was conceived the night my parents saw Beverly Hills Cop II.

Anyway, I was just calling to see if maybe you wanted to hang out?

Ah, I would be up for that but I'm actually kind of busy tonight.

Hannah, Hannah, Amelia has something stuck in her nose

and she needs you to pick it out.

On second thoughts, do you want to maybe swing by my place?

I'm sure I can shift a few things around.

Oi, if this goes in the bunker,

I get to shove my club right up your arse!

Ha! Is that a promise?

PHONE RINGS

Yeah?

What, now?

No, no, no. I'll be right there.

Clive, I'm afraid we're going to have to call it a day.

Got these squatters that are finally getting what's been coming to them.

I need to get over there ASAP.

You're fucking kidding?

You can't get my juices going and then piss off in the middle.

You're me business mate, not me missus.

Dad, you go and I'll stay here with Mr Yakamoto.

Wicked. Fucking problem solved.

Dan, quick word.

Don't worry, Dad. I've got this.

Me and him get on great.

I mean, he's an awful person but I don't mind.

OK, look. Here's the company credit card, all right? Finish this round,

then go up to the clubhouse, buy him drink, food, whatever.

He'll tire himself out, then pop him in the back of a cab.

Right, Dan? I'm trusting you

I'll make you proud.

-Maybe we should hug again.

-Yeah, get to fuck.

How come we have to go to bed now?

We haven't even had dinner yet.

It's a sleepover. Sleeping's the most fun part.

Listen, I'll bring you all some pizza in a little bit.

We can't have pizza, Amelia's allergic to gluten.

Seriously, you need to just cut her out of your friendship group.

Hannah! You're making the sleepover rubbish.

OK, I've got an idea. How about we play a game?

-ALL:

-Yeah!

Yeah? It's called Gas Leak.

-Do you want to play that?

-Yeah.

OK. All you have to do is lie down and be quiet for as long as possible.

And whoever lasts the longest wins a super-secret special prize.

OK, go.

No cheating.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Come in.

Welcome to my abode.

Wow, this is a nice place.

What's with all the shoes?

Oh, those?

I make and sell children's shoes.

It's more of a hobby than anything, really.

-Thank you. Shall we?

-Yeah.

So, I wake up, I'm still off me nut, I look to the left.

I'm only fucking handcuffed to the rabbi!

That's brilliant!

Oi, darling,

let me have two more of these and another plate of the calamari. You want anything, Dan?

No, I'm stuffed. I barely finished my third steak.

-Could we get the bill, please?

-Yeah.

Want a snifter?

Nah, I'm good.

So, Clive, can I ask you a question?

Why is your surname Yakamoto?

Oh, I was adopted by a couple of Japs, basically.

Fucking love 'em to bits.

Every single day, all I try and do is respect my father's honour.

I've got the same thing with my dad.

I'm trying to convince him I could run the company one day.

You know what we should do for dessert? We should get some girls.

Girls?

You know, like escorts.

Couple of businessmen, away from their families.

Let's get into some trouble.

Oh, maybe.

Or we could just...

not?

Come on, geez, you're meant to be showing me a good time.

Don't slam the handbrake on now.

Mm?

THEY CHUCKLE

So being a primary school teacher must be a pretty sweet gig?

You get to mould young people's minds and you clock off at 3.15.

Yeah. Although it is sort of a stopgap for me.

I actually kind of want to be a novelist.

A novelist? Like James Franco?

Yeah. I mean, I haven't written anything yet.

Right now, I'm sort of just waiting for inspiration, you know?

A road trip through Europe, a family tragedy...

..a love affair with a hot girl.

Well, maybe we can figure out a chapter or two tonight.

BANGING

Uh, did you hear that noise?

Oh, it must just be a house noise. You know, old pipes or something.

Uh.

I'll go check it out.

Sit tight.

CHILDREN SHOUTING

Guys, what happened?

I guess none of you won that super-secret special prize.

Hannah, we're starving!

Look, just sit tight for just a couple more hours,

and then we can all have a yummy midnight snack.

No! Let us go or I'm going to tell my mum that you locked us up and starved us.

Uh, OK, fine, let's go.

God, kids today are all so spoilt they can't go one night without dinner.

Glad you're back.

THEY SCREAM

Oh, my God.

-(Mr Foley.

-Did you see that?)

OK, come on.

Wha...?

That really didn't go how I planned it in my head.

This'll do.

I'm cold. Are you guys cold?

Maybe we should head back inside.

Just relax, Dan. No-one can see us.

Still, I think the club might have some pretty strict rules

on being on the course after hours.

And, you know, sex workers.

Don't worry, we're just going to hop down into that bunker, nice and quick.

It'll be like doing it on a tiny beach!

PHONE RINGS

All right, son? How's it all going?

Oh, great. Yeah, just keeping Mr Yakamoto happy, like you said.

-MOANING

-Oh, brilliant.

And you know, well done for today.

You stepped up and you did a good job.

I'm...proud of you.

-Thanks, Dad. That means a lot.

-Oi, what you doing?

But, also, I have to go.

Mr Yakamoto, there's someone coming!

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

-Drive, Dan! Drive.

-I'm trying, it won't start.

Come on, I've got 10 grams of coke on me.

I cannot get pinched for this. That'd be fucking most dishonourable.

I've got to get out of here!

Mr Yakamoto! Mr Yakamoto!

What about your father's honour!

You spent £600 on dinner, £3,000 on a prostitute,

now Mr Yakamoto - my biggest timber supplier -

is missing, presumed dead.

In my defence, he was having a great night, right until the end.

From now on, I want you as far away from my business as possible.

It's the sun, you are Pluto.

So far away you're not even a fucking planet any more!

Oh, looks like I'm the favourite kid again.

-I don't know what the fuck you're grinning about.

-What do you mean?

Thanks to you, Beverley is furious with me

and I've had to explain to a bunch of very upset parents

why their daughters all saw their teacher's erect fucking cock!

You didn't tell me it was erect.

-Oh, yeah, it was fucking crazy. I was like...

-Shut the fuck up!

Now, I don't want to see either of you for at least six months.

Is that fucking clear?

I reckon I'm still his favourite.