Baby Sack Siblings

This programme contains strong language.

Can I get four chocolate muffins? Ooh, and cup of hazelnut syrup on the side? To take away.

You're not staying?

I thought we were having one of our famous Siblings Coffee Mornings?

OK, first off, that's not a thing we've ever done.

And secondly, I've gotta be at the airport in an hour.

You're not buying duty-free cigarettes and selling them on eBay, again?

-Dad said it's illegal.

-No, it's a work thing.

Some bullshit consultant is coming over from the New York office

and they're making muggins here go pick him up.

Cool! I love Americans.

No, it's not cool. They always give me the shittiest jobs

just because I'm the youngest and the least qualified.

I should be at the top of pile,

not having to babysit some flag-crazy,

hotdog-guzzling, Yankee fuckwit.

-Holy shit! Is that Holly?

-Who?

That girl I used to be ridiculously in love with.

You say that about basically any girl who talks to you.

Holly was different.

She was like my summer girlfriend at that circus camp

I went to when I was 14.

Wait, circus camp was a real thing?

I thought it was a euphemism Mum made up for some sort of institute.

Hi. Uh, Holly?

Dan French?! No shit! What are you doing here?

I live nearby, I just came for some coffee with my sister.

Hey, tell her about our fling at circus camp.

-She won't believe it happened.

-Oh, no, it totally happened.

Do you know, the last time I saw you, you asked me to slow dance,

then got a boner.

Good times! So, what have you been up to?

Oh, only went and got myself bloody pregnant, didn't I?!

Sorry, just checking, there's absolutely no chance

that's because of the slow-dance boner is there?

Er, no.

So, fill me in, what've you been up to for the past ten years?

-Did you see the second Hunger Games film?

-Yeah!

But apart from that, I spent the last decade dossing about, really.

I had a bunch of lame temp jobs after uni,

until one day, I was like,

"If don't get out of here soon, I'm gonna morph

"into some half-human-half-temp, bitch-monster."

So, I maxed out my overdraft

and booked a ticket to Australia that night.

-Seriously?

-Dude, it was awesome.

I just bummed around the outback for six months,

came back with a wicked suntan and this little guy.

-The dad's still out in Australia.

-Who was he? Can I guess?

-Hugh Jackman.

-No. It was my bungee jump safety instructor.

Kind of ironic, since he didn't use protection!

I mean, he wore his harness, he just didn't wear a condom.

He wore his harness?

Anyway, I'm back now, just trying to get by on my own.

Working here to save a bit of cashola.

Well, Holly, I think you're gonna make an awesome single mum.

Like JK Rowling, but even better.

Thanks, Dan!

I've missed you, man.

Listen, my shift ends in a couple of hours,

why don't you stick around?

Help me clean the gunk out of the espresso machine!

-Holly, I would help you clean gunk out of anything.

-Cool!

I'm gonna need today's newspapers, yesterday's newspapers

and, if you can swing it, tomorrow's newspapers.

Also, I knocked myself out on the plane with some pretty heavy

sleeping pills, so I'm gonna need just a paddling pool of coffee.

Oh, and get me some of that Yorkshire pudding you guys have,

I can't get enough of that fucking stuff.

-Read that back to me.

-You didn't tell me to take notes.

Well, I didn't tell you to keep breathing either, but you managed it, right?

-What did you say your name was?

-Hannah.

-Are you Cher? Come on, Hannah what?

-Hannah French.

Your last name's French, but you're English?

God, that's wild. I can tell you got that kooky British sense of humour.

I mean, that wasn't really a joke.

Come on, French, let's go grab a cab.

Actually, my car's over here.

Well, I'm jonzin' for an old-school London cab,

so it looks like you'll be picking up that car of yours in the morning.

Why am I eating this?

MUSIC PLAYS ON LAPTOP THEY GIGGLE

Hannah, come check this out!

We're watching a video from circus camp.

It's me and Holly in the big talent show.

-Oh, hi, Holly.

-Hi!

We did this crazy double-act clown thing

to that Black Eyed Peas song, "Where Is The Love?"

Yeah, we came last, but we did get a prize for loudest performance.

Normally, I'd try and make up an excuse,

but I've had the shittiest day today, so I'm just gonna say no.

Why, what happened?

It's this American guy that I'm looking after.

He's like the most demanding douchebag in the world.

I'm basically his PA,

his chauffeur and his wet-nurse, all rolled into one.

MOBILE RINGS

Oh, God, it's him.

Yes, George?

Oh, fine.

Yeah, I'll be there in a hour.

Now I have to go pick up his dry-cleaning.

He's only been in the country since this morning,

how the fuck does he have dry-cleaning?!

Did he bring dirty clothes on the plane?!

Dude, I should probably head too.

Sure. What about tomorrow, you wanna hang out?

I could swing by the cafe again.

Actually, I've got this antenatal yoga class.

I mean, it's really cringe, but I've already paid for all the sessions.

I could come with you to that.

Really? It'd be so cool to have someone else there!

I'll be honest, I kind of underestimated how much prep stuff

goes into having a baby.

It's worse than cooking a roast.

I haven't even picked a name yet!

-I've always liked the name Vlad.

-Vlad?

Yeah, it'd be so good. "I vant to suck your milk."

-Think about it.

-All right.

You're two minutes late, French.

What happened, did you stop off and read Ulysses on the way?

There was a queue at the dry-cleaners

and I had to go get those Yorkshire puddings you wanted.

Oh!

Mmm! These little fuckers make the jet-lag all worthwhile.

What do I owe you, French?

Will £100 cover it?

You do realise they're just milk, eggs and flour?

I can just put it on expenses.

Now, French, what can you tell me about Josh Selby from marketing?

Oh, he's a dick.

He signed up for a marathon and made us all sponsor him.

Then, he fainted after 22 miles and got all pissy

when I said he didn't deserve the money.

Ha! There it is. That kooky British sense of humour.

-I love it!

-Why do you ask about Josh?

I'm about to make him redundant.

Him and 17 other lucky individuals have won

the world's shittiest lottery tickets.

Whoa. Are you really getting rid of all these people?

That's what I do, French. I'm a corporate downsizer.

Companies bring me in when they're in trouble

and they need to thin the herd.

I'm the Caped Crusader of redundancies, swooping in,

saving the day.

Shit. That is maybe the coolest thing I've ever heard.

I know, right?

I guess that kind of makes you my Boy Wonder.

-What do you mean?

-Well, I need you to sit in

during the meetings today, take notes.

I get to watch? Sweet!

Could you send in Josh Selby?

I should warn you, some people

can find this stuff a bit upsetting, so...

Is that popcorn?

I missed breakfast. It's not just for the cinema any more, you know.

OK, now we're going to try some guided breathing exercises,

so we're going to breathe in... and then, breathe out.

Thanks for coming with me, dude.

I usually have to be paired up with the instructor.

She's a nightmare.

I would've just been sat at home watching bloopers on YouTube.

This is loads more fun.

Hey, check it out.

Hello, I'm a vagina!

Well, hello, vagina, I'm a butthole.

-I think that's a vagina too?

-Is it?

Excuse me, those aren't toys.

-Sorry, Miss.

-My bad.

Thank you. Now, can we please focus?

THEY GIGGLE

Hey, come on, better get into Frog's Pose.

OK, sure, how does it work?

Well, my support partner - that's you - sits on the ball

and then, I just sit on top, lean back...

-and practice my pelvic tilts.

-Right.

-Those are some pretty good tilts.

-Thanks.

Oh, hey, Dan,

I don't know if this is just the pregnancy hormones,

but I'm like absolutely ridiculously turned on right now, are you?

I mean, I'm only 50% sure what hormones are, but I guess I...

This isn't just the start of an exciting new chapter

in your life, it's the start of a whole new book.

Could you send in Terry Bell?

That was incredible!

For a second I almost forgot you were taking away his livelihood.

-How do you do that?

-There's nothing to it.

You just give it to them straight, tell them there's something better

out there, even if we all know that's garbage.

Terry, Terry, Terry. Take a seat.

-My name's George and...

-I don't care what your name is.

I've heard the rumours. Am I being fired?

Nobody's being fired.

The company's simply going through a phase of restructuring

and, as of this moment, you are surplus to requirements.

Unbelievable, 12 bloody years I've worked here!

Now they're gonna toss me out like an old microwave.

-I'm gonna sue.

-Oh, come off it, Terry.

Excuse me?

Well, I mean, how do you really see this playing out?

They're not gonna change their minds.

Besides, it's not like your life's a fairytale now, anyway.

You're 58, do you really wanna die at your desk,

cleaning crumbs out of your keyboard?

Take the redundancy package and go and live your life,

do up your garden, learn to cook, go sailing with your wife.

I haven't got a wife.

Then, go get a wife! You can finally do anything you want!

Except, you know, work here.

Come on, Terry, you know she's right.

You're doing the right thing.

Wow, French, that was a tad harsh, but...I'm impressed.

How do you feel?

Like someone just replaced all of my blood with fucking jet fuel.

Can we get him back so we can do it again?!

Dan, I had, literally, the best day at work ever.

George is a genius.

Really? Yesterday you called him a Big-Apple bellend.

That was before he let me watch him fire a bunch of losers from the office.

It was incredible, like having a front-row seat at an execution,

just waiting for that rope to drop.

-That doesn't really sound great.

-Trust me, it was amazing.

He's got to clear out like three more branches this week

and since I'm his right-hand man, I get to go with him!

What is all this stuff?

Oh, Holly's coming over in a bit and I'm cooking her dinner.

Rice noodles, grapefruit, charcoal? What the hell are you making her?

She's got loads of pregnancy cravings.

Yesterday, she took a bite out of a candle, it was adorable.

Wow, you're really going to a lot of effort for an old flame.

Actually, I think me and Holly might be going out again.

Dan, she's eight months pregnant with someone else's baby.

That's like buying a second-hand tongue ring.

You're asking for trouble.

Relax, Hannah, I've got it under control.

Now, could you please keep stirring this?

I've gotta go buy some more mango shower gel.

Hi, I'm George Harper. This is my associate, Hannah French.

There should be a conference room

and a plate of Yorkshire puddings waiting for us.

Right this way, Mr Harper.

Look at these suckers, they've no idea they're about to get

swept up in a tsunami of unemployment.

Hey, French, how would you like to take the lead on a couple of these meetings?

Really? I get to do some firing?

I saw you handle yourself yesterday, you're a natural!

Wow, thanks! I promise I won't let you down, George.

Shit, my heart's racing.

Is this what it's like to actually care about your job?

Ben, Ben, Ben. Take a seat.

OK, finish this sentence. You are being made...

-Breakfast?

-Close. Redundant.

Also, you've gotta leave your company car,

but here is £3.68 for the bus.

Hey, come on, you'll find another job.

It'll probably just be at a worse company, for less money.

Get out, get the hell out of here!

Thanks for coming in.

And, that's lunch.

And...stop.

Andrew. I like that.

Come on, that's so boring.

Look, I'll be honest with you, I'm still a big fan of Vlad.

You really like the name Vlad?

All right, fine, I'll add it to the list,

but only so you stop suggesting it.

I'm gonna go steal another glass of your sister's fancy orange juice.

I was thinking maybe tomorrow we could find a costume

for the baby's first Halloween. It's never too early, right?

Fuck. Dan, will you get in here?

-Dude, I think my waters just broke!

-Shit. What do we do?

I don't know, this wasn't meant to happen for another month!

Oh, my God. I am not ready to have a fucking baby, Dan.

I don't have a hospital bag! I haven't baby-proofed my flat!

I haven't even picked a name. He's gonna be the baby with no name!

Holly, everything's gonna be fine, OK? I'm right here.

I'm gonna get you to that hospital,

even if I have to track down an ambulance driver,

cut off his face, assume his identity

and drive you there myself.

OK. Or maybe we could just call for one instead?

Yeah, we can start with that.

After a day like that, I feel I could fuck a whale.

Seriously, George, thank you so much for the opportunity.

I've never had that much fun in my whole life.

How did you get such a sweet job?

Let me show you something.

See that fat kid in the glasses, the one crying on the left?

Oh, my God, is that you?!

No, that's the kid I used to bully in junior high.

I keep a picture of him in my wallet as a reminder to always stay on top.

There are two types of people in this life,

winners and... I don't give a fuck about the other guys.

-Ugh, what the hell?

-What's up?

I asked for no vegetables. I'll just eat around them, it's OK.

Here's a life lesson, French. Never accept anything that's just OK.

If you don't like something, change it. By any means necessary.

Watch and learn. Excuse me?

-Is everything all right, sir?

-No, it is not.

My friend here asked for no vegetables,

but for some reason you chose to ignore that.

-I'm sorry, I'll fix that for you.

-You will.

You'll also give us these meals free of charge

and a round of drinks, by way of an apology.

Uh, I don't think I can do that.

Hey, let's play a little game. It's called "What If?"

What if my friend here were deathly allergic to vegetables

and thanks to your shoddy customer service her life was at risk?

Wait, this game needs four people to play.

I know, I'll call that big, fat, fucking scary lawyer I keep on retainer and he can join us!

Or you could just go get us those free drinks.

I don't know if this is possible,

but I think I might have just had a non-sexual orgasm.

Doc, what's going on?

We've been waiting for ages. It's not conjoined twins, is it?

No, the baby's fine.

In fact, it looks like this was a false alarm.

I don't think you know how alarms work because my waters broke.

Actually, that was urine.

-What?

-Sometimes at this stage in a pregnancy the baby

can shift positions and squeeze the bladder,

causing you to have an accident.

Whoa-ho-ho, I like this baby more every day!

He's not even been born yet and he's already playing pranks.

Don't worry, it's quite common.

I'm going to write these up and then we'll discharge you.

-Oh, God, I feel like such a twat.

-What, why?

Dude, it's like babies are serious shit, you know?

They're like ten seconds away from dying all the time.

How bad am I going to be at looking after one when I can't even tell when I've pissed myself?

I don't know what I would've done if you weren't there.

But I was there and I'm here now.

And unless something huge happens, like a zombie uprising or

I get a day job, then I promise I'll be there again.

You hear that, Baby?

I've got your back.

Mawnin', pardner.

Ready for another day's firings?

-Pew, pew, pew...

-Hannah, please take a seat.

We need to talk...

Why so serious, Georgie?

Wait, are going to fire me?!

What the fuck?!

You Americans have no sense of loyalty.

You're turning your back on me just like you did with Piers Morgan.

There's that kooky British humour.

Come on, French, I'm not firing you. You're my guy, right?

I'm your guy?

Listen, a junior position has opened at the New York office

and I think you have what it takes to fill it.

Now, you'd have to start immediately but...

you want it, it's all yours. I know it's a big decision,

-travelling across the globe, so take some time...

-I'm in!

You don't have to decide now.

I am definitely in. Screw this country.

How about I buy us up a couple of York-shire puddings to celebrate?

Fantastic! Oh, and, French...

what with all the redundancies going on here,

might be best to be discreet while we sort out the details.

-WHISPERS:

-Oh, yeah, of course.

Excuse me, everybody?

Gather round. Everyone.

Hi, gather round.

So, I've worked here for three years now,

but guess what, arseholes.

That ends today,

because Mama just got herself a kick-ass job in NYC!

That's right, I am done with this shithole.

I'd just like to say a quick and final fuck you

to each and every one of you.

Fuck you. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Fuck you.

You're just a temp, but fuck you.

Fuck you. Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck all of you.

Hannah, you're going to want to sit down for this. I've got huge news.

I've got huge news too! Let's say it at the same time.

-I'm going to propose to Holly!

-I'm moving to New York!

-What?

-What?

George offered me a job in New York and I said yes.

-Did you say you're proposing to Holly?

-Yeah.

I'm going to do the honourable thing and ask her to marry me.

Dan, aren't you forgetting something?

It's not your baby.

Yeah, Holly's like the coolest girl in the world, Hannah.

I mean, I'd probably want to marry her even if she wasn't pregnant.

The fact that she is pregnant is just a bonus.

She's like a Kinder Egg - the chocolate on the outside is great

and there's an awesome little toy inside.

Well, good luck, I guess?

I hope I can make it back for the wedding.

Are you really going to New York?

Yeah, my flight's, literally, booked for the end of this week.

I can't wait to get out there, it's going to be so cool.

I'm just going to be eating bagels and fucking Jewish guys.

Look at us. I'm getting married, you're leaving the country - we're all grown-up.

Yeah...I guess we are.

Oh...

Right, I'm going to go try and find my lucky X-Men pants,

so I have them for the proposal.

Cool, I'm going to go practice my New York accent.

Hey, for-ged-about-it.

Soon-Yi, what's for breakfast?

This is incredible.

I've never been in business class.

Wow! They do an in-flight colonic.

Get used to it, French, your new life starts now.

Champagne, Madam?

Oh, I don't mind if I do. Keep these coming, cupcake.

Here you go, George.

Oh, no, I'm set, thanks. I've got these little babies.

-What are they?

-Military-grade sleeping pills.

They're banned by the US Government, but I know a guy that works there.

I can't say who, but let's just say he was the first black president.

Wow...

See you on the other side, French.

You've made it, French.

Hi, you don't know me, sir, but my name is Dan French

and I am in love with your daughter.

I don't have a job and I was briefly in prison,

but I really care about Holly.

And I promise to take awesome care of her

and the baby, which is why I've come to ask you for her hand in marriage.

What do you say...

Dad?

I don't have a daughter.

What? Wait, aren't you Holly Freeman's dad?

You want Malcolm Freeman, fifth floor.

Oh, fuck.

Erm, look I'm on a bit of a tight schedule with this proposal stuff.

I don't have time to make that whole speech again.

If you see him could you tell him I'm marrying his daughter? Cheers.

Thank you.

That's it.

What's going on?

I'm just moving them in here. They had a small issue with his seat.

-What was the issue?

-He was sick on it.

By all means, stick him in here and let him see what it's like to throw up in more expensive seats.

These were the only seats together. I'm sure you can understand.

Ugh, whatever.

Could I get a refill on my champagne?

My hands are a little bit full just now,

but I'll get to you as soon as I get a chance.

-Here we go.

-Thank you.

-RESPONDS TO GAME:

-Yes!

I'm so hungry.

Do you know, I might just order one of everything.

How about you? Dan?

Oh, yeah, it is pretty hot.

Are you OK, Dan? You've been acting weird all night.

What?! I haven't been acting weird.

Excuse me, could we get two glasses of the secret, special wine, please?

Yeah.

What's the secret special wine?

You do know I can't drink, right?

-Don't worry, it's not really wine.

-What is it, then?

Bum, bum, bum, bum.

Bum, bum, bum, bum.

Bum, bum, bum.

Bum, bum, bum, bum.

Bum, bum, bum.

Bum, bum, bum.

SHE CHUCKLES

Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.

# People killing, people dying

# Children hurt and you hear them crying... #

Holly Freeman, I've been in love with you since the first time

we did each other's clown make-up in circus camp, all those years ago.

I let you slip away once, but I am not going to make that mistake again.

You are sweet and funny and amazing

and I want to spend the rest of my life with you

and that tiny little fella growing inside of you.

So...

# ..Where is the love? The love... #

Holly, will you marry me?

# ..The love

# Where is the love?

# The love, the love... #

Oh, Dan, I'm so sorry.

SINGING STOPS

This isn't going to affect our Yelp review, is it?

GAME PLAYS LOUDLY

BUZZER SOUNDS

What is it, Ma'am? I can't give you any more free slippers.

No, it's that kid.

He's making a racket and his mum's clearly checked out,

so could you, please, take care of him?

There's not a lot I can do, they paid for their seats.

Technically, they didn't pay for them.

They were in economy and they managed to fuck that up.

Look, I don't want to be dick, but I have a fast-paced, high-pressure

job and I kind of expect a certain level of service to go with it.

Ma'am, I've got a lot to be getting on with.

If you have a problem with the noise, I suggest you use

the complimentary earplugs provided.

SHE SIGHS

Hey, you, what've you got there?

-A game.

-Cool.

Do you want to maybe play a different game?

It's called, "What If?"

-What if you ate this sweetie?

-I don't want to.

I'll go first, ready?

Mmm, so fun.

OK, now it's your turn!

Just eat, eat it.

-No.

-Just eat it.

CHILD PROTESTS

Eat, eat...

-What are you doing, Ma'am?

-Er...

Hi.

DOOR BUZZER

Holly!

Come in...

Can we talk?

Maybe in private...

Guys, can you give us a sec?

ALL GROAN

Listen, dude, I'm sorry I ditched you back there, but what the fuck?

Why did you ask me to marry you?

I thought it was the right thing to do!

We get on so great and I thought I could help you with the baby.

I mean, you don't want him to be born a...

WHISPERS: ..bastard.

That means a lot, dude,

but we don't need to be married for you to give me a hand with stuff.

Really?

Besides, you're the one that gave him his name.

Shit, you're going to call him Vlad?!

Middle name. I was thinking...

Andrew Vlad Freeman.

Andrew Vlad Freeman? That's a fucking sweet name.

Yeah, well, he's going to be a shit-hot baby.

Hey, do you want the clowns to come back and sing something?

-They're still on the clock for 30 minutes.

-Yeah.

Do you think they know any Elbow?

-George!

-OK, French, they're accusing you of some pretty heavy shit.

If this is one of your kooky British jokes, then I don't get it.

This isn't a joke. None of the things I've said have been jokes.

Then, why in God's name did you have a Chernobyl-sized meltdown?

I was being assertive.

It's like you said, never settle for just OK.

I didn't mean drug a toddler!

See! There's still so much for me to learn from you.

Yeah, about that. I think we're going to have to put this whole job offer on ice.

-Indefinitely.

-What? Come on, I'm your guy.

There's plenty of guys out there.

It's been nice knowing you, French.

George! George!

Can you at least get me another champagne?

-Hey, sis. How was your trip?

-Trip?

Dan, I was moving to America for good.

How did you miss that?

SHE SIGHS

-Anyway, it's not happening any more.

-What, how come?

There was a minor incident on the plane, involving a toddler and some prescription pills.

Long story short, they're agreeing to drop the charges,

but I'm not allowed on US soil any more.

Well, if it makes you feel better, my big plans fell through too.

Me and Holly aren't getting married any more.

-Well, that's probably for the best.

-Yeah.

We talked about it and we decided we should just be friends

and I'd help out with baby stuff every now and again.

We're actually going to test drive some prams tomorrow,

race them around and stuff - fancy joining?

No, I'm going to go into the office and try to get my job back.

I've got to admit, I kind of wish I hadn't told them all to fuck off,

or spray-painted it onto the building.

Well, I hope they take you back,

because I really need to borrow some money.

I owe a bunch of clowns like two grand.