Jack's Wedding Siblings


Jack's Wedding

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This programme contains strong language.

0:00:020:00:05

I can't believe Jack's getting married! I'm so excited.

0:00:050:00:07

Look, my hands are shaking. Hannah?

0:00:070:00:09

Stop it. Why'd you make us get here so early?

0:00:090:00:12

I hate being the first person to arrive, it's pathetic.

0:00:120:00:15

I didn't want to be late.

0:00:150:00:16

One of my best friends is tying the knot - this is a big day for me.

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I even made my own confetti out of loo roll.

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I'm pretty sure the invite didn't say "bring your own gross confetti".

0:00:210:00:24

I was so pumped last night I couldn't get to sleep,

0:00:240:00:26

figured I might as well do something useful.

0:00:260:00:28

I can't believe you buy into this whole matrimony shtick.

0:00:280:00:30

-I mean, weddings are dumb.

-What? You don't like weddings?

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Next, you're going to be saying you don't like pictures of dogs with sunglasses,

0:00:330:00:37

because they're "too hilarious"?

0:00:370:00:38

Weddings are just archaic bullshit parades, Dan.

0:00:380:00:40

I'm not into them for the same reason

0:00:400:00:42

I don't die from minor infections - it's not 1853.

0:00:420:00:45

Why did you agree to be my plus-one, then?

0:00:450:00:47

I'm not going to turn down a free meal, am I?

0:00:470:00:49

Besides, let's check out this fucking fancy pants mansion.

0:00:490:00:52

It's like something from a Jane Austen wet dream.

0:00:520:00:54

How the hell can Jack afford to hire this place?

0:00:540:00:56

Isn't he like, a dodgy estate agent or something?

0:00:560:00:59

Yeah, he is, but this belongs to the girl he's going to marry.

0:00:590:01:01

-Seriously?

-Apparently, she's super posh.

0:01:010:01:04

Technically, her family still owns quite a lot of India.

0:01:040:01:07

No shit?

0:01:070:01:08

How long till this thing starts, then?

0:01:080:01:10

-I don't know, like, three hours?

-Three hours?!

0:01:100:01:13

At least that gives me plenty of snooping time.

0:01:130:01:15

Look, Hannah - I love a snoop as much as next guy -

0:01:150:01:18

I'm the Snoopmaster General.

0:01:180:01:20

But today is a massive day, so maybe we should, you know...

0:01:200:01:23

like, try not to fuck around?

0:01:230:01:26

Relax, Dan. I just want to take a peek behind the curtain -

0:01:260:01:29

see how these Downton wannabes really live.

0:01:290:01:31

Who knows, maybe I'll find a chunk of ivory lying around?

0:01:310:01:34

Yeah, that'd be great!

0:01:340:01:36

Sheriff, how do you do this again?

0:01:480:01:50

It looks like someone tried to fucking choke me,

0:01:500:01:52

-got bored halfway through.

-KNOCKS AT DOOR

0:01:520:01:53

Open up, it's the cops! You're both under arrest for...

0:01:530:01:56

-baby arson!

-LAUGHTER

0:01:560:01:59

Look who it is!

0:01:590:02:01

Danny boy!

0:02:010:02:03

Don't worry, there are no police. I was just doing a low voice.

0:02:050:02:08

Sorry, I'm super early, I hope that's cool.

0:02:080:02:10

-Course, mate! It's good to see you!

-We missed you on the stag do, Danny.

0:02:100:02:13

Seriously, Thailand is such a beautiful country -

0:02:130:02:15

and not just the sex workers, like the actual scenery and stuff, too.

0:02:150:02:18

I can't believe they didn't let me travel

0:02:180:02:20

just because I didn't have a passport.

0:02:200:02:22

I showed them my Boots Advantage Card and everything.

0:02:220:02:24

Mate, it was fucking brilliant.

0:02:240:02:26

George and Winzor tried to get hold of these special Asian poppers -

0:02:260:02:29

got into a ruck with the dealer

0:02:290:02:30

and now they're only fucking stuck in a Bangkok prison!

0:02:300:02:32

Yeah, yeah, yeah - the dude at the embassy says

0:02:320:02:35

there's like a 30% chance they'll get the death penalty!

0:02:350:02:37

-LAUGHTER

-Classic stag!

0:02:370:02:39

Ophelia, where are you running off to? Come here a sec...

0:02:390:02:42

Jacky, no - it's bad luck for us to see each other before the wedding.

0:02:420:02:45

Don't be daft, babe, that's bollocks.

0:02:450:02:47

There's someone I want you to meet.

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Ophelia, this is Dan. Danny, this is Ophelia - my future missus.

0:02:490:02:52

Hi, Jack's told me a lot about you. Is it true you once tried

0:02:520:02:55

to eat a whole bag of polystyrene peanuts as a dare?

0:02:550:02:57

I had to have my stomach pumped three and a half times -

0:02:570:03:00

-they said it was a hospital record.

-Legend of the Dan!

0:03:000:03:02

Jack, Jack, Jack, tell him how you two met.

0:03:020:03:05

She was looking for a flat, so I gave her a viewing -

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by the time we got into the kitchen,

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we couldn't keep our paws off each other.

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Honestly, the shit we did in there -

0:03:100:03:12

we must have knocked ten grand off the asking price.

0:03:120:03:14

I'm not sure how I feel about you telling people

0:03:140:03:16

that our relationship started with us shagging on a breakfast nook.

0:03:160:03:19

It's a sweet story! We'll be telling our grandkids that one day.

0:03:190:03:22

You better wait until they're 18 - I've still got a hard-on from the last time I heard it.

0:03:220:03:25

Right, babe, we'll get out of your hair, let you get ready.

0:03:250:03:28

OK, bye. Ooh!

0:03:280:03:30

Let's give Danny a tour of the grounds.

0:03:310:03:33

I can show you the room where her great-granddad

0:03:330:03:35

used to play charades with Kaiser Wilhelm.

0:03:350:03:38

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

0:03:380:03:40

Well, hello - looks like Little Miss Snoopy just hit the jackpot.

0:03:460:03:51

Wow...

0:03:530:03:55

-May I help you?

-I'm just here for the wedding.

0:04:060:04:09

I thought I'd check out this sweet ride while I waited for it to start.

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-Do you know whose it is?

-It's a wedding present for my daughter.

0:04:120:04:15

Fucking hell, you got her a Mercedes?

0:04:150:04:17

I thought I was spoilt when my dad got Daniel Radcliffe

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to come to my 12th birthday party.

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I mean, it turned out he just hired a lookalike.

0:04:200:04:23

This guy was almost 35, but he had this weird hormone disease

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that made him look super young.

0:04:250:04:27

As much as I'd love to continue with this blistering conversation,

0:04:270:04:30

-perhaps you wouldn't mind heading back to the house.

-Oh, yeah, sure.

0:04:300:04:33

Actually, could you get a pic of me behind the wheel?

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-I'm sorry?

-I'll whack it up on Instagram,

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pretend I've got cast in a Bond film or something.

0:04:370:04:40

Oh, God - where is my phone?

0:04:400:04:43

Can you maybe ring me and then I...

0:04:430:04:45

Will you please get the hell out of my daughter's car? Now!

0:04:450:04:48

Whoa, chill out!

0:04:490:04:51

I thought this was supposed to be a special day.

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Excuse me for trying to capture a memory.

0:04:550:04:57

Next stop on the tour, ladies and gentleman, is the hunting lodge.

0:05:010:05:06

Mate, you have seriously come up trumps with this girl -

0:05:060:05:08

it's like she was born with a silver spoon

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sticking out of every fucking orifice.

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You know what, I'd love her even if she lived in an old pizza box.

0:05:120:05:15

Honestly, I've never known anything like it.

0:05:150:05:17

Before I met Ophelia, the most serious relationship I'd ever had

0:05:170:05:20

was with the Japanese sex doll Sheriff got me for my 18th.

0:05:200:05:23

I'm so happy for you, Jack.

0:05:230:05:26

Oi, Danny, Danny, come here a sec...

0:05:260:05:28

What are you doing?

0:05:310:05:34

I'm going to try and shoot it off...

0:05:340:05:35

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, fucking brilliant!

0:05:350:05:38

What, really? What if you miss?

0:05:390:05:41

This is my only suit, I don't really want to get any blood on it...

0:05:410:05:44

Mate, mate, don't worry about it, I've got a wicked aim.

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We went on a hunt last week, I nearly shot a grouse.

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Come on, Danny boy - it's my wedding day. Think of it as my present.

0:05:490:05:52

I mean, I got you an egg poacher off the wedding list...

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OK.

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Ready, lads? Ready. Three...

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two...

0:06:030:06:04

Oh, shit!

0:06:070:06:09

Did you shoot me? Am I dead?

0:06:090:06:11

I think I've got another fucking kidney stone.

0:06:110:06:13

What, again? I told you, you've got to drink loads of water.

0:06:130:06:16

And I told you, I'm not a fucking horse...

0:06:160:06:19

Aargh! Seriously, mate,

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I'm going to have to get down fucking A & E, quick-sharpish...

0:06:200:06:23

You can't leave!

0:06:230:06:24

I've already lost two of my groomsmen to the Thai penal system.

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I can't lose my best man as well!

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-Jack, I'll do it.

-What?

0:06:290:06:30

I'll take over from Sheriff. I know how much this day means to you.

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I'd do anything to help.

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You're like a little big brother to me.

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-You'd be my best man?

-Hell, yeah.

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And I promise you, I'm going to make the best best man

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that ever best manned in the history of man.

0:06:410:06:45

This is really lovely and that, lads -

0:06:450:06:47

but I'm about to piss out an angry pebble here.

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Can I get a little help?

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Ooh.

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Could I maybe borrow one of those?

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I don't see why not.

0:07:000:07:03

I don't normally smoke, but I've got this rule that I'm allowed to

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whenever I'm more than 20 miles from home.

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And on weekends and weeknights.

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-So, you're here for the wedding, then?

-Unfortunately.

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My sister's the lucky lady taking the plunge.

0:07:160:07:19

Oh, shit. I think I just met your dad.

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No offence, but he's kind of a dick -

0:07:220:07:23

he read me the riot act just for trying to take a picture.

0:07:230:07:26

That sounds like Charles - he's quite the killjoy.

0:07:260:07:29

He's been in a foul mood since he got thrown off his horse.

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Rest assured, the beast was dealt with.

0:07:330:07:36

-What?

-Sorry, it's just your face looks really familiar.

0:07:370:07:41

Did you use to teach a hot yoga workshop at the YMCA?

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Believe me, I have never set foot in a YMCA.

0:07:440:07:47

Hello, missy. You're not ready yet?

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What's the matter? The girl's not getting cold feet, is she?

0:07:510:07:54

No, Sebastian, the girl is not...

0:07:540:07:56

I just wanted to find you...

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and tell you that your Bristol pals called to say they'll be late.

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Did you go to Bristol? Me too! I definitely recognise you.

0:08:000:08:05

-Is this a friend of yours, Sebby?

-Oh, no. She's one of the caterers.

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What the hell? I'm not a caterer?!

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I just thought, because of your dress...

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Excuse me?!

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I'm sorry, you'll have to excuse my brother - he can be a tad tactless.

0:08:140:08:18

Please enjoy the day. Come on, Seb.

0:08:180:08:21

God!

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Best man, nice to meet you.

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I'm the best man. Nice to meet you. I'm the best man.

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Uncle James!

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Hannah, great news -

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-Sheriff's at hospital.

-What did you do?

-Nothing.

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He had a hernia or something, so he had to go to A & E -

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and Jack made me his best man!

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Well, your first job should be to tell him he's making a big mistake.

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Sorry, Hannah, I have my hands full with best man shit right now -

0:08:460:08:49

I do not have time for more anti-marriage stuff.

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No, seriously - he's getting himself tied up

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with a bunch of sour, posho twats.

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Firstly, the dad tells me off,

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like I'm some naughty Jack Russell or something.

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-And then the brother verbally assaulted me.

-Oh, my God, really?

0:09:000:09:02

He called me a caterer, but that's still a dick-move, right?

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I mean, he didn't even apologise for embarrassing me.

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Shit...

0:09:090:09:10

I just remembered where I know Sebastian from.

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-He was in The Dionysus Club.

-What are you talking about?

0:09:130:09:16

It was this posh drinking society at uni.

0:09:160:09:18

In freshers' week, they invited me to this "exclusive" house party.

0:09:180:09:22

I got all dolled up - new dress, haircut, the whole deal.

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But when I got there, they showed me into the garden

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and locked the door behind me.

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I turned around and all the guests were leaning out of the windows,

0:09:290:09:32

-holding balloons.

-Sounds like a great party.

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The balloons were filled with whipped cream, Dan -

0:09:340:09:36

and I got hit with every single one of them.

0:09:360:09:38

Turns out I was just a stooge for some sick club ritual.

0:09:380:09:42

My freshers' week was ruined and for the rest of my time at uni,

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I was known as...

0:09:450:09:47

the Cream Hog.

0:09:470:09:49

You said people called you that because you loved frappuccinos.

0:09:490:09:52

I can't believe he didn't remember me.

0:09:520:09:53

Right, I'm going to go find that upper-crust prick

0:09:530:09:56

and I'm going to give him a friendly little history lesson.

0:09:560:09:59

-And by friendly, I mean...

-I know what you mean.

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Wait for me, best man coming through!

0:10:030:10:06

Could I have everyone's attention, please?

0:10:100:10:12

My name is Dan French -

0:10:120:10:15

I am one of Jack's closest friends

0:10:150:10:18

and as of 20 minutes ago, the best man!

0:10:180:10:21

Hey, why don't we liven things up a bit?

0:10:240:10:26

Get this atmosphere popping. I mean, it's a celebration, right?

0:10:260:10:30

When I say "Awesome", you say "Wedding". Awesome...!

0:10:300:10:33

Awesome!

0:10:350:10:37

I can't hear you! Awesome...

0:10:370:10:39

Could you please stop yelling the word "awesome"?

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Apologies, ladies and gentlemen.

0:10:460:10:48

-The ceremony will be starting shortly...

-The ceremony will be starting shortly...

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BOTH: So, if you would care to make your way towards the East Parlour...

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-Guests of the bride...

-Guests of the bride...

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BOTH: ..will be seated on the left

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and those of the groom will be on the right.

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Let's have a good wedding, yeah? Any questions, come to me.

0:11:100:11:14

Any questions, come to me.

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Anything at all, come to me.

0:11:160:11:18

Hey, toff boy, can I have a word?

0:11:200:11:23

If this is about the caterer thing...

0:11:240:11:26

No, take a look at my face,

0:11:260:11:27

and don't you dare tell me that you don't remember it.

0:11:270:11:30

Maybe this will jog your memory. Oink, oink, oink...

0:11:300:11:34

-Oink, oink, oink!

-Stop that - are you possessed?

0:11:340:11:38

I was the Cream Hog, you prick!

0:11:380:11:40

Oh, God, yes...

0:11:400:11:42

Wow, I haven't thought about that in years.

0:11:420:11:45

-How are you doing?

-How am I doing?!

0:11:450:11:48

Thanks to you and your mates, I was a laughing stock for three years.

0:11:480:11:52

Look, don't take it personally.

0:11:520:11:54

You weren't the first cream hog

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and I'm pretty sure you won't be the last...

0:11:550:11:58

Do you think this is a joke?

0:11:580:11:59

Because I can tell you, there is nothing funny about

0:11:590:12:02

spending five hours scooping whipped cream out of your ear canals.

0:12:020:12:05

-All right, how much?

-Er, what?

0:12:050:12:07

How much is it going to take for you to piss off and leave me alone?

0:12:070:12:12

Unbelievable!

0:12:120:12:13

I am not some naive chambermaid you groped after too many sherries,

0:12:130:12:18

you can't just pay me off.

0:12:180:12:19

I want an apology.

0:12:190:12:21

-I mean, obviously I'll take some money, but...

-Jesus!

0:12:210:12:24

It's bad enough I have to slap a grin on my mug all day

0:12:240:12:26

for this wretched wedding, I don't need another fucking ball-ache.

0:12:260:12:30

Do yourself a favour and get over it -

0:12:300:12:33

all right, Cream Hog?

0:12:330:12:35

SHE GASPS Do not call me that!

0:12:350:12:37

That's not my name.

0:12:400:12:42

Fuck, she's late, Danny.

0:12:490:12:52

-What if she's changed her mind and done a runner?

-No way!

0:12:520:12:55

I saw you two this morning - it was like looking at

0:12:550:12:57

one of those creepy stock photos you get with a picture frame.

0:12:570:12:59

God, I hope you're right.

0:12:590:13:01

I can't go back to being a grubby little bachelor.

0:13:010:13:03

Living all alone - end up cracking my skull

0:13:030:13:05

cos I slipped in the shower tugging myself off.

0:13:050:13:07

They find my corpse sopping wet, with my dick in my hand...

0:13:070:13:10

Hey, I'm sure there's a totally legit explanation, all right?

0:13:100:13:13

Maybe she dropped her veil down the toilet

0:13:130:13:16

and she's waiting for it to dry off?

0:13:160:13:18

God, I wish Sheriff was here.

0:13:180:13:20

Usually, when I get worked up, he slips me one of the Valium

0:13:200:13:22

-he nicked from the chiropractor's office.

-Jack, relax.

0:13:220:13:25

You don't need Sheriff or his dodgy sedatives - you've got me, OK?

0:13:250:13:30

-I'm your best man and it's my job to fix problems like this.

-Yeah?

0:13:300:13:33

Now, I'm going to look for her.

0:13:330:13:35

You go back in there, put on a brave face.

0:13:350:13:37

-Hey, have you seen Ophelia?

-Who the hell's Ophelia?

0:13:420:13:44

The bride! She hasn't turned up and Jack's wigging out.

0:13:440:13:47

-Can you help me look for her?

-Sorry, Dan, no time.

0:13:470:13:49

-Mama's on a revenge mission.

-Is this about the cream thing?

0:13:490:13:52

-I've got to get even.

-Hannah, today is not about you, OK?

0:13:520:13:55

It's about me being best man and saving the day.

0:13:550:13:57

Sorry, but I've got to show that dick

0:13:570:13:59

I'm not some fruit-fly he can brush away.

0:13:590:14:01

I'm one of those big, fuck-off tropical insects that bites you

0:14:010:14:04

and makes you have a heart attack and piss yourself at the same time.

0:14:040:14:07

Good luck with the whole missing bride shit.

0:14:070:14:10

SHE SOBS

0:14:280:14:29

-Hi!

-Hi...

-Can I come in?

0:14:290:14:32

Great.

0:14:330:14:34

There you are! Everybody's looking for you -

0:14:400:14:43

it's like a really formal game of hide-and-seek out there.

0:14:430:14:45

Well, you can tell them to call it off.

0:14:450:14:47

-You can tell them to call the whole thing off.

-What do you mean?

0:14:470:14:50

I don't think I can go through with it.

0:14:500:14:53

-I thought I could, but I just can't.

-Sure you can, it's easy.

0:14:530:14:57

Just say "I do" -

0:14:570:14:58

two words, and then we all get cake.

0:14:580:15:01

I just keep thinking, maybe Jacky's not the one?

0:15:010:15:03

Of course he is!

0:15:030:15:05

He's a great dude and he loves you like crazy.

0:15:050:15:08

You know, he turned down every single handjob he got offered in Thailand?

0:15:080:15:12

I know, he means the world to me.

0:15:120:15:15

He's my randy little chipmunk, I just...

0:15:150:15:17

I think maybe, I'm making a mistake.

0:15:170:15:20

Ophelia, it's totally normal to have second thoughts

0:15:200:15:24

when you're making a really big decision.

0:15:240:15:26

It's like when I was 12,

0:15:260:15:27

and as a treat for going a whole month without wetting the bed,

0:15:270:15:31

my mum said I could get any ice cream I wanted.

0:15:310:15:34

I spent ages looking at all the options -

0:15:340:15:37

Solero, Twister, Fab...

0:15:370:15:40

Eventually, I went for the Cherry Screwball.

0:15:410:15:43

The whole time I was eating it, I kept thinking,

0:15:430:15:45

"Maybe I chose wrong..."

0:15:450:15:47

until I got to that chalky little gumball at the bottom

0:15:470:15:49

and then it hit me -

0:15:490:15:51

I'd made the right choice.

0:15:510:15:53

And I'm telling you, Ophelia -

0:15:530:15:55

you're making the right choice, marrying Jack.

0:15:550:15:57

He's your Cherry Screwball.

0:15:570:15:59

You wet the bed till you were 12?

0:16:030:16:05

Hello, old friend.

0:16:130:16:15

Oh, Jesus.

0:16:150:16:16

You're like a bad fucking cold sore -

0:16:160:16:18

you keep popping up worse than before.

0:16:180:16:20

-I take that as a compliment.

-What the hell do you want?

0:16:200:16:23

You know what I want. Justice.

0:16:230:16:24

I told you, the Cream Hog thing

0:16:240:16:26

was a silly bit of fun between mates, OK?

0:16:260:16:28

It's ancient history - move on.

0:16:280:16:30

That "silly bit of fun" ruined my freshers' week

0:16:300:16:33

and made me a joke for three years.

0:16:330:16:35

Is that whipped cream?

0:16:380:16:40

Prepare to feel the sweet, sticky tongue of vengeance all over your body!

0:16:400:16:44

Are you mad, woman?

0:16:440:16:45

What in God's name is going on?

0:16:490:16:50

Dad, it's not my fault, this cow is deranged...

0:16:500:16:52

-We were at uni together, and him and...

-Shut up!

0:16:520:16:55

This godforsaken day has been like a carving knife to my temple

0:16:550:16:59

and that was before your sister decided

0:16:590:17:01

to pull her little escapology act.

0:17:010:17:03

The last thing I need is you and your friends

0:17:030:17:05

causing a scene with foodstuffs, like circus folk.

0:17:050:17:08

Dad, it's not my fault.

0:17:080:17:10

If only it had been you who died in that maternity ward

0:17:100:17:13

and not your mother.

0:17:130:17:14

Ouch! Do you want some Savlon for that burn?

0:17:170:17:19

Give me the can.

0:17:190:17:21

Don't worry, guys, I found her!

0:17:210:17:24

Just the best man doing what he does best!

0:17:240:17:27

DAN HUMS WEDDING MARCH

0:17:270:17:29

I fucking did it - I'm one of them married wankers, now.

0:17:350:17:38

Honestly, I couldn't have done it without you, Danny boy.

0:17:380:17:40

You are a fucking legend.

0:17:400:17:42

Thanks, Jack, but just wait till you hear my best man speech.

0:17:420:17:45

Shit, you've already written a speech?

0:17:450:17:47

Well, I just looked up a bunch of stuff online -

0:17:470:17:49

-you know, anecdotes, risque gags...

-Woo-arr!

0:17:490:17:52

Quick question, do you think anyone will be offended

0:17:520:17:55

if I called one of the bridesmaids the C-word?

0:17:550:17:58

Oh, here he is! My new brother-in-law!

0:17:580:18:00

It's finally official, isn't it?

0:18:000:18:02

My sister is no longer a member of the Faulkner-Jones clan,

0:18:020:18:06

she's now the lucky Mrs Ophelia Plunk.

0:18:060:18:09

I was thinking, when me and Ophelia get back from our honeymoon,

0:18:090:18:12

the three of us should hang out.

0:18:120:18:13

"Hang out"?

0:18:130:18:15

You know, go for a carvery or something - a bit of family time.

0:18:150:18:18

Believe me, Jack, it's going to take more than an Argos wedding ring

0:18:180:18:22

and a piece of paper to make you part of this family.

0:18:220:18:25

Honestly, I never have a clue what he's banging on about,

0:18:310:18:33

but he's a fucking solid fella.

0:18:330:18:35

And he didn't even apologise.

0:18:360:18:38

It's crazy - I mean, that Cream Hog prank really traumatised me.

0:18:380:18:44

It might even have been GBH.

0:18:440:18:46

-FINGERS SNAP

-Come on, pick up the pace!

-What?

0:18:460:18:49

We have two tables in the corner that still need clearing.

0:18:490:18:51

What the fuck are you talking about? I don't work for you.

0:18:510:18:54

Oh, goodness. Um... I'm so sorry.

0:18:540:18:58

Why do people keep confusing me for a caterer, I mean...

0:18:580:19:01

Ian, I can't find the dessert spoons.

0:19:010:19:03

Fuck you all.

0:19:080:19:09

Hey, Hannah, where are you off to?

0:19:110:19:13

-Sorry, Dan, but I've had enough. I'm leaving.

-You can't leave.

0:19:130:19:16

What will people say

0:19:160:19:17

if the best man's sister isn't there for his speech?

0:19:170:19:19

Today has been a shit-show. Sebastian won and I lost and...

0:19:190:19:23

-I give up.

-Wow. I've never heard you say that before.

0:19:230:19:26

I guess today just proves that aristopricks like him

0:19:260:19:29

are always going to get the better of plucky, honest Joes, like me.

0:19:290:19:32

I just want to find my coat and put this whole day behind me.

0:19:320:19:36

MOANING, GASPING

0:19:360:19:38

I can just get another coat.

0:19:430:19:45

Fuck.

0:19:530:19:55

Jack's going to be so upset.

0:19:550:19:57

Yeah, right after he finishes throwing up.

0:19:570:20:00

God, this is all my fault.

0:20:000:20:01

How is this your fault?

0:20:010:20:03

When I found Ophelia, she told me she didn't think Jack was the one,

0:20:030:20:06

but I convinced her to go through with it.

0:20:060:20:08

I was banging on about ice cream for 20 minutes, like a dick...

0:20:080:20:11

She might have mentioned she was humping her brother.

0:20:110:20:13

Trust me, the best thing we can do right now is get the hell out of here.

0:20:130:20:16

-What?

-Let's just go.

0:20:160:20:18

We'll pretend like none of this ever happened -

0:20:180:20:20

it'll be like when we found Mum's vibrators in the washing machine.

0:20:200:20:23

Yeah, yeah. Let's go.

0:20:230:20:25

May I have a word with the two of you?

0:20:250:20:27

Now...

0:20:310:20:33

I don't know what the pair of you think you saw...

0:20:340:20:37

We saw your weird kids fucking each other.

0:20:370:20:39

Yes.

0:20:390:20:41

Well, I had hoped that that particular form of horseplay

0:20:410:20:43

had been left behind with adolescence,

0:20:430:20:46

but I'm sure you can appreciate that weddings are emotional days,

0:20:460:20:52

and sometimes, emotions can get the better of weaker individuals.

0:20:520:20:56

Now, given the magnitude of this occasion,

0:20:580:21:02

I do feel it would be for the good of us all

0:21:020:21:05

if today's...developments stayed within these four walls.

0:21:050:21:10

Oh, my God, are you going to kill us?

0:21:100:21:12

Eh?

0:21:120:21:13

No, I'm simply going to ask

0:21:130:21:16

that you practice a certain level of discretion.

0:21:160:21:19

DAN SIGHS

0:21:190:21:21

Fair enough.

0:21:210:21:22

But, I mean... what's in it for us?

0:21:230:21:27

Come again?

0:21:270:21:28

The way I see it,

0:21:280:21:29

it's kind of like your kids have had an accident in the swimming pool,

0:21:290:21:34

and you're asking us to keep doing the backstroke

0:21:340:21:37

and pretend that we didn't just see a giant turd floating by.

0:21:370:21:41

Very well.

0:21:430:21:45

How much will it take to keep you quiet?

0:21:450:21:47

I want an apology from Sebastian...

0:21:480:21:52

..and that awesome Mercedes.

0:21:530:21:56

-No fucking way.

-Father, you can't...

-Silence!

0:21:560:21:59

Here's what's going to happen.

0:22:030:22:04

You are going to stay here with my pathetic excuse for a son,

0:22:040:22:09

you're going to keep an eye on him until he sobers up.

0:22:090:22:12

If you can handle that, the Mercedes is all yours.

0:22:120:22:15

And you are going to come back to the reception with me,

0:22:150:22:18

and we are going to get this farce of a wedding over with.

0:22:180:22:21

I'm sorry, I can't just go back and act all normal.

0:22:210:22:24

I feel like I'm going to cry out of every hole.

0:22:240:22:27

You're the best man, correct?

0:22:270:22:29

Then it's your job to do whatever it takes to keep your friend happy.

0:22:310:22:35

I know a lot of you have travelled far and wide to be with us today,

0:22:370:22:42

so I just want you to know how grateful we are to you

0:22:420:22:45

-for having made the effort.

-DAN SOBS

0:22:450:22:47

Today truly has been a wonderful occasion,

0:22:470:22:52

but all good things must come to an end, so without further ado,

0:22:520:22:57

I'm going to ask the best man to say a few words.

0:22:570:22:59

CHARLES COUGHS Oi, Danny boy, you're up.

0:23:020:23:04

Give them hell.

0:23:070:23:09

I read that a good best man speech should be like a Mexican dwarf...

0:23:150:23:20

..short and a little bit spicy.

0:23:210:23:24

JACK LAUGHS

0:23:240:23:26

Hey, Sebastian, where's the best place to buy driving gloves?

0:23:290:23:32

Excuse me?

0:23:320:23:33

I was thinking, driving gloves might go really nicely with my Mercedes.

0:23:330:23:37

Maybe an in-car humidor, as well.

0:23:370:23:38

You know, expensive possessions are nice,

0:23:380:23:41

-but they'll never make you happy.

-Not true.

0:23:410:23:43

The only people who ever say that

0:23:430:23:45

are people who either have no chance of ever being rich,

0:23:450:23:47

or people who already are rich.

0:23:470:23:49

It's us suckers in the middle who know that that's bullshit.

0:23:490:23:52

Take it from me, Hannah -

0:23:520:23:53

I've lived my whole life surrounded by lavish objects,

0:23:530:23:56

but the one thing I truly loved, I couldn't have.

0:23:560:23:59

Yeah, because it's your sister, you fucking weirdo.

0:23:590:24:01

God, my dad was right...

0:24:010:24:04

I'm pathetic.

0:24:040:24:05

I was a pathetic child,

0:24:050:24:07

I was pathetic when I let my friends throw cream at you

0:24:070:24:10

-HE SOBS

-and I'm pathetic now...

0:24:100:24:13

Whoa, come on, don't do that.

0:24:160:24:19

Do you want to, I don't know, play cribbage or something?

0:24:190:24:22

I'll be OK.

0:24:220:24:25

Could you just get me a tissue from over there?

0:24:250:24:28

Yeah, sure.

0:24:280:24:29

And you know, I made a pretty big deal of the Cream Hog thing,

0:24:300:24:34

but I think maybe we're even now and...

0:24:340:24:36

DOOR OPENS

0:24:360:24:38

Oh, shit.

0:24:390:24:41

I'm sure some of you have found this speech revolting, disappointing...

0:24:420:24:47

and thought it finished too quickly,

0:24:470:24:50

but I just wanted to give the bride

0:24:500:24:51

a preview of what's in store for her tonight...

0:24:510:24:54

JACK LAUGHS DAN SOBS

0:24:540:24:56

So, please join me in raising a toast to Jack and Ophelia.

0:25:000:25:04

I'm sure you'll be the happiest couple in the world.

0:25:040:25:08

-Jack and Ophelia.

-ALL:

-Jack and Ophelia.

0:25:080:25:11

Thank you, Danny boy.

0:25:160:25:18

Anyway, I wanted to say a few final words.

0:25:180:25:21

Ophelia, I have never loved anyone else as much as I love you.

0:25:240:25:29

You are my porcelain angel and I want to prove to everyone here

0:25:290:25:34

just how much I love you.

0:25:340:25:35

-ALL:

-Aww...

0:25:350:25:37

This is Ayumi.

0:25:430:25:45

My sex doll.

0:25:460:25:48

Before I met you, she was all I had.

0:25:480:25:51

But now, she means nothing to me,

0:25:510:25:52

because I know what you and I have is the real deal.

0:25:520:25:55

Goodbye.

0:26:040:26:06

Stop! Don't do it!

0:26:080:26:09

Jack, I'm sorry, but there's something I need to tell you.

0:26:110:26:14

Sit down, you fool.

0:26:140:26:16

Stop, stop, stop!

0:26:160:26:19

-Sebby?

-Everybody, there's something that I need to say...

0:26:190:26:22

Stop! Don't listen to him, he's fucking crazy!

0:26:220:26:25

I am not crazy.

0:26:250:26:26

I just need everybody to know that I...

0:26:260:26:29

I...

0:26:340:26:36

..love my sister.

0:26:370:26:38

And...

0:26:400:26:41

I hope that she's happy.

0:26:440:26:46

Whoo!

0:26:590:27:01

Let's hear it for the happy couple. Hit it!

0:27:010:27:04

Oh. I thought there'd be someone on music. No?

0:27:040:27:07

You know what, Dan? I take back what I said this morning.

0:27:140:27:17

All-in-all, that was a pretty good wedding.

0:27:170:27:19

Are you joking? It was a nightmare!

0:27:190:27:22

I mean, I'm eating this cake, but I can barely enjoy it.

0:27:230:27:26

I was supposed to be best man, but thanks to me,

0:27:260:27:28

Jack and Ophelia are stuck in an empty, twisted marriage.

0:27:280:27:31

If it's any consolation,

0:27:310:27:32

you're basically just describing most marriages.

0:27:320:27:35

Plus, look on the bright side - I got a Mercedes out of it.

0:27:350:27:39

I suppose any day where you get a free car can't be all bad.

0:27:390:27:42

Exactly! Now, let's go get our hands on that little beauty

0:27:420:27:45

and get the fuck out of this hellhole.

0:27:450:27:47

Is there someone in there?

0:27:470:27:48

Oh shit, maybe they got us a driver as well.

0:27:480:27:50

No, it looks like, er... Sebastian.

0:27:500:27:53

Oh, God. What's he doing there?

0:27:530:27:55

-Oh shit...

-GUNSHOT

0:27:570:27:59

BIRDS FLUTTER AWAY

0:27:590:28:00

Fuck!

0:28:000:28:02

My Mercedes...

0:28:020:28:04

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