Jack's Wedding Siblings

This programme contains strong language.

I can't believe Jack's getting married! I'm so excited.

Look, my hands are shaking. Hannah?

Stop it. Why'd you make us get here so early?

I hate being the first person to arrive, it's pathetic.

I didn't want to be late.

One of my best friends is tying the knot - this is a big day for me.

I even made my own confetti out of loo roll.

I'm pretty sure the invite didn't say "bring your own gross confetti".

I was so pumped last night I couldn't get to sleep,

figured I might as well do something useful.

I can't believe you buy into this whole matrimony shtick.

-I mean, weddings are dumb.

-What? You don't like weddings?

Next, you're going to be saying you don't like pictures of dogs with sunglasses,

because they're "too hilarious"?

Weddings are just archaic bullshit parades, Dan.

I'm not into them for the same reason

I don't die from minor infections - it's not 1853.

Why did you agree to be my plus-one, then?

I'm not going to turn down a free meal, am I?

Besides, let's check out this fucking fancy pants mansion.

It's like something from a Jane Austen wet dream.

How the hell can Jack afford to hire this place?

Isn't he like, a dodgy estate agent or something?

Yeah, he is, but this belongs to the girl he's going to marry.

-Seriously?

-Apparently, she's super posh.

Technically, her family still owns quite a lot of India.

No shit?

How long till this thing starts, then?

-I don't know, like, three hours?

-Three hours?!

At least that gives me plenty of snooping time.

Look, Hannah - I love a snoop as much as next guy -

I'm the Snoopmaster General.

But today is a massive day, so maybe we should, you know...

like, try not to fuck around?

Relax, Dan. I just want to take a peek behind the curtain -

see how these Downton wannabes really live.

Who knows, maybe I'll find a chunk of ivory lying around?

Yeah, that'd be great!

Sheriff, how do you do this again?

It looks like someone tried to fucking choke me,

-got bored halfway through.

-KNOCKS AT DOOR

Open up, it's the cops! You're both under arrest for...

-baby arson!

-LAUGHTER

Look who it is!

Danny boy!

Don't worry, there are no police. I was just doing a low voice.

Sorry, I'm super early, I hope that's cool.

-Course, mate! It's good to see you!

-We missed you on the stag do, Danny.

Seriously, Thailand is such a beautiful country -

and not just the sex workers, like the actual scenery and stuff, too.

I can't believe they didn't let me travel

just because I didn't have a passport.

I showed them my Boots Advantage Card and everything.

Mate, it was fucking brilliant.

George and Winzor tried to get hold of these special Asian poppers -

got into a ruck with the dealer

and now they're only fucking stuck in a Bangkok prison!

Yeah, yeah, yeah - the dude at the embassy says

there's like a 30% chance they'll get the death penalty!

-LAUGHTER

-Classic stag!

Ophelia, where are you running off to? Come here a sec...

Jacky, no - it's bad luck for us to see each other before the wedding.

Don't be daft, babe, that's bollocks.

There's someone I want you to meet.

Ophelia, this is Dan. Danny, this is Ophelia - my future missus.

Hi, Jack's told me a lot about you. Is it true you once tried

to eat a whole bag of polystyrene peanuts as a dare?

I had to have my stomach pumped three and a half times -

-they said it was a hospital record.

-Legend of the Dan!

Jack, Jack, Jack, tell him how you two met.

She was looking for a flat, so I gave her a viewing -

by the time we got into the kitchen,

we couldn't keep our paws off each other.

Honestly, the shit we did in there -

we must have knocked ten grand off the asking price.

I'm not sure how I feel about you telling people

that our relationship started with us shagging on a breakfast nook.

It's a sweet story! We'll be telling our grandkids that one day.

You better wait until they're 18 - I've still got a hard-on from the last time I heard it.

Right, babe, we'll get out of your hair, let you get ready.

OK, bye. Ooh!

Let's give Danny a tour of the grounds.

I can show you the room where her great-granddad

used to play charades with Kaiser Wilhelm.

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

Well, hello - looks like Little Miss Snoopy just hit the jackpot.

Wow...

-May I help you?

-I'm just here for the wedding.

I thought I'd check out this sweet ride while I waited for it to start.

-Do you know whose it is?

-It's a wedding present for my daughter.

Fucking hell, you got her a Mercedes?

I thought I was spoilt when my dad got Daniel Radcliffe

to come to my 12th birthday party.

I mean, it turned out he just hired a lookalike.

This guy was almost 35, but he had this weird hormone disease

that made him look super young.

As much as I'd love to continue with this blistering conversation,

-perhaps you wouldn't mind heading back to the house.

-Oh, yeah, sure.

Actually, could you get a pic of me behind the wheel?

-I'm sorry?

-I'll whack it up on Instagram,

pretend I've got cast in a Bond film or something.

Oh, God - where is my phone?

Can you maybe ring me and then I...

Will you please get the hell out of my daughter's car? Now!

Whoa, chill out!

I thought this was supposed to be a special day.

Excuse me for trying to capture a memory.

Next stop on the tour, ladies and gentleman, is the hunting lodge.

Mate, you have seriously come up trumps with this girl -

it's like she was born with a silver spoon

sticking out of every fucking orifice.

You know what, I'd love her even if she lived in an old pizza box.

Honestly, I've never known anything like it.

Before I met Ophelia, the most serious relationship I'd ever had

was with the Japanese sex doll Sheriff got me for my 18th.

I'm so happy for you, Jack.

Oi, Danny, Danny, come here a sec...

What are you doing?

I'm going to try and shoot it off...

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, fucking brilliant!

What, really? What if you miss?

This is my only suit, I don't really want to get any blood on it...

Mate, mate, don't worry about it, I've got a wicked aim.

We went on a hunt last week, I nearly shot a grouse.

Come on, Danny boy - it's my wedding day. Think of it as my present.

I mean, I got you an egg poacher off the wedding list...

OK.

Ready, lads? Ready. Three...

two...

Oh, shit!

Did you shoot me? Am I dead?

I think I've got another fucking kidney stone.

What, again? I told you, you've got to drink loads of water.

And I told you, I'm not a fucking horse...

Aargh! Seriously, mate,

I'm going to have to get down fucking A & E, quick-sharpish...

You can't leave!

I've already lost two of my groomsmen to the Thai penal system.

I can't lose my best man as well!

-Jack, I'll do it.

-What?

I'll take over from Sheriff. I know how much this day means to you.

I'd do anything to help.

You're like a little big brother to me.

-You'd be my best man?

-Hell, yeah.

And I promise you, I'm going to make the best best man

that ever best manned in the history of man.

This is really lovely and that, lads -

but I'm about to piss out an angry pebble here.

Can I get a little help?

Ooh.

Could I maybe borrow one of those?

I don't see why not.

I don't normally smoke, but I've got this rule that I'm allowed to

whenever I'm more than 20 miles from home.

And on weekends and weeknights.

-So, you're here for the wedding, then?

-Unfortunately.

My sister's the lucky lady taking the plunge.

Oh, shit. I think I just met your dad.

No offence, but he's kind of a dick -

he read me the riot act just for trying to take a picture.

That sounds like Charles - he's quite the killjoy.

He's been in a foul mood since he got thrown off his horse.

Rest assured, the beast was dealt with.

-What?

-Sorry, it's just your face looks really familiar.

Did you use to teach a hot yoga workshop at the YMCA?

Believe me, I have never set foot in a YMCA.

Hello, missy. You're not ready yet?

What's the matter? The girl's not getting cold feet, is she?

No, Sebastian, the girl is not...

I just wanted to find you...

and tell you that your Bristol pals called to say they'll be late.

Did you go to Bristol? Me too! I definitely recognise you.

-Is this a friend of yours, Sebby?

-Oh, no. She's one of the caterers.

What the hell? I'm not a caterer?!

I just thought, because of your dress...

Excuse me?!

I'm sorry, you'll have to excuse my brother - he can be a tad tactless.

Please enjoy the day. Come on, Seb.

God!

Best man, nice to meet you.

I'm the best man. Nice to meet you. I'm the best man.

Uncle James!

Hannah, great news -

-Sheriff's at hospital.

-What did you do?

-Nothing.

He had a hernia or something, so he had to go to A & E -

and Jack made me his best man!

Well, your first job should be to tell him he's making a big mistake.

Sorry, Hannah, I have my hands full with best man shit right now -

I do not have time for more anti-marriage stuff.

No, seriously - he's getting himself tied up

with a bunch of sour, posho twats.

Firstly, the dad tells me off,

like I'm some naughty Jack Russell or something.

-And then the brother verbally assaulted me.

-Oh, my God, really?

He called me a caterer, but that's still a dick-move, right?

I mean, he didn't even apologise for embarrassing me.

Shit...

I just remembered where I know Sebastian from.

-He was in The Dionysus Club.

-What are you talking about?

It was this posh drinking society at uni.

In freshers' week, they invited me to this "exclusive" house party.

I got all dolled up - new dress, haircut, the whole deal.

But when I got there, they showed me into the garden

and locked the door behind me.

I turned around and all the guests were leaning out of the windows,

-holding balloons.

-Sounds like a great party.

The balloons were filled with whipped cream, Dan -

and I got hit with every single one of them.

Turns out I was just a stooge for some sick club ritual.

My freshers' week was ruined and for the rest of my time at uni,

I was known as...

the Cream Hog.

You said people called you that because you loved frappuccinos.

I can't believe he didn't remember me.

Right, I'm going to go find that upper-crust prick

and I'm going to give him a friendly little history lesson.

-And by friendly, I mean...

-I know what you mean.

Wait for me, best man coming through!

Could I have everyone's attention, please?

My name is Dan French -

I am one of Jack's closest friends

and as of 20 minutes ago, the best man!

Hey, why don't we liven things up a bit?

Get this atmosphere popping. I mean, it's a celebration, right?

When I say "Awesome", you say "Wedding". Awesome...!

Awesome!

I can't hear you! Awesome...

Could you please stop yelling the word "awesome"?

Apologies, ladies and gentlemen.

-The ceremony will be starting shortly...

-The ceremony will be starting shortly...

BOTH: So, if you would care to make your way towards the East Parlour...

-Guests of the bride...

-Guests of the bride...

BOTH: ..will be seated on the left

and those of the groom will be on the right.

Let's have a good wedding, yeah? Any questions, come to me.

Any questions, come to me.

Anything at all, come to me.

Hey, toff boy, can I have a word?

If this is about the caterer thing...

No, take a look at my face,

and don't you dare tell me that you don't remember it.

Maybe this will jog your memory. Oink, oink, oink...

-Oink, oink, oink!

-Stop that - are you possessed?

I was the Cream Hog, you prick!

Oh, God, yes...

Wow, I haven't thought about that in years.

-How are you doing?

-How am I doing?!

Thanks to you and your mates, I was a laughing stock for three years.

Look, don't take it personally.

You weren't the first cream hog

and I'm pretty sure you won't be the last...

Do you think this is a joke?

Because I can tell you, there is nothing funny about

spending five hours scooping whipped cream out of your ear canals.

-All right, how much?

-Er, what?

How much is it going to take for you to piss off and leave me alone?

Unbelievable!

I am not some naive chambermaid you groped after too many sherries,

you can't just pay me off.

I want an apology.

-I mean, obviously I'll take some money, but...

-Jesus!

It's bad enough I have to slap a grin on my mug all day

for this wretched wedding, I don't need another fucking ball-ache.

Do yourself a favour and get over it -

all right, Cream Hog?

SHE GASPS Do not call me that!

That's not my name.

Fuck, she's late, Danny.

-What if she's changed her mind and done a runner?

-No way!

I saw you two this morning - it was like looking at

one of those creepy stock photos you get with a picture frame.

God, I hope you're right.

I can't go back to being a grubby little bachelor.

Living all alone - end up cracking my skull

cos I slipped in the shower tugging myself off.

They find my corpse sopping wet, with my dick in my hand...

Hey, I'm sure there's a totally legit explanation, all right?

Maybe she dropped her veil down the toilet

and she's waiting for it to dry off?

God, I wish Sheriff was here.

Usually, when I get worked up, he slips me one of the Valium

-he nicked from the chiropractor's office.

-Jack, relax.

You don't need Sheriff or his dodgy sedatives - you've got me, OK?

-I'm your best man and it's my job to fix problems like this.

-Yeah?

Now, I'm going to look for her.

You go back in there, put on a brave face.

-Hey, have you seen Ophelia?

-Who the hell's Ophelia?

The bride! She hasn't turned up and Jack's wigging out.

-Can you help me look for her?

-Sorry, Dan, no time.

-Mama's on a revenge mission.

-Is this about the cream thing?

-I've got to get even.

-Hannah, today is not about you, OK?

It's about me being best man and saving the day.

Sorry, but I've got to show that dick

I'm not some fruit-fly he can brush away.

I'm one of those big, fuck-off tropical insects that bites you

and makes you have a heart attack and piss yourself at the same time.

Good luck with the whole missing bride shit.

SHE SOBS

-Hi!

-Hi...

-Can I come in?

Great.

There you are! Everybody's looking for you -

it's like a really formal game of hide-and-seek out there.

Well, you can tell them to call it off.

-You can tell them to call the whole thing off.

-What do you mean?

I don't think I can go through with it.

-I thought I could, but I just can't.

-Sure you can, it's easy.

Just say "I do" -

two words, and then we all get cake.

I just keep thinking, maybe Jacky's not the one?

Of course he is!

He's a great dude and he loves you like crazy.

You know, he turned down every single handjob he got offered in Thailand?

I know, he means the world to me.

He's my randy little chipmunk, I just...

I think maybe, I'm making a mistake.

Ophelia, it's totally normal to have second thoughts

when you're making a really big decision.

It's like when I was 12,

and as a treat for going a whole month without wetting the bed,

my mum said I could get any ice cream I wanted.

I spent ages looking at all the options -

Solero, Twister, Fab...

Eventually, I went for the Cherry Screwball.

The whole time I was eating it, I kept thinking,

"Maybe I chose wrong..."

until I got to that chalky little gumball at the bottom

and then it hit me -

I'd made the right choice.

And I'm telling you, Ophelia -

you're making the right choice, marrying Jack.

He's your Cherry Screwball.

You wet the bed till you were 12?

Hello, old friend.

Oh, Jesus.

You're like a bad fucking cold sore -

you keep popping up worse than before.

-I take that as a compliment.

-What the hell do you want?

You know what I want. Justice.

I told you, the Cream Hog thing

was a silly bit of fun between mates, OK?

It's ancient history - move on.

That "silly bit of fun" ruined my freshers' week

and made me a joke for three years.

Is that whipped cream?

Prepare to feel the sweet, sticky tongue of vengeance all over your body!

Are you mad, woman?

What in God's name is going on?

Dad, it's not my fault, this cow is deranged...

-We were at uni together, and him and...

-Shut up!

This godforsaken day has been like a carving knife to my temple

and that was before your sister decided

to pull her little escapology act.

The last thing I need is you and your friends

causing a scene with foodstuffs, like circus folk.

Dad, it's not my fault.

If only it had been you who died in that maternity ward

and not your mother.

Ouch! Do you want some Savlon for that burn?

Give me the can.

Don't worry, guys, I found her!

Just the best man doing what he does best!

DAN HUMS WEDDING MARCH

I fucking did it - I'm one of them married wankers, now.

Honestly, I couldn't have done it without you, Danny boy.

You are a fucking legend.

Thanks, Jack, but just wait till you hear my best man speech.

Shit, you've already written a speech?

Well, I just looked up a bunch of stuff online -

-you know, anecdotes, risque gags...

-Woo-arr!

Quick question, do you think anyone will be offended

if I called one of the bridesmaids the C-word?

Oh, here he is! My new brother-in-law!

It's finally official, isn't it?

My sister is no longer a member of the Faulkner-Jones clan,

she's now the lucky Mrs Ophelia Plunk.

I was thinking, when me and Ophelia get back from our honeymoon,

the three of us should hang out.

"Hang out"?

You know, go for a carvery or something - a bit of family time.

Believe me, Jack, it's going to take more than an Argos wedding ring

and a piece of paper to make you part of this family.

Honestly, I never have a clue what he's banging on about,

but he's a fucking solid fella.

And he didn't even apologise.

It's crazy - I mean, that Cream Hog prank really traumatised me.

It might even have been GBH.

-FINGERS SNAP

-Come on, pick up the pace!

-What?

We have two tables in the corner that still need clearing.

What the fuck are you talking about? I don't work for you.

Oh, goodness. Um... I'm so sorry.

Why do people keep confusing me for a caterer, I mean...

Ian, I can't find the dessert spoons.

Fuck you all.

Hey, Hannah, where are you off to?

-Sorry, Dan, but I've had enough. I'm leaving.

-You can't leave.

What will people say

if the best man's sister isn't there for his speech?

Today has been a shit-show. Sebastian won and I lost and...

-I give up.

-Wow. I've never heard you say that before.

I guess today just proves that aristopricks like him

are always going to get the better of plucky, honest Joes, like me.

I just want to find my coat and put this whole day behind me.

MOANING, GASPING

I can just get another coat.

Fuck.

Jack's going to be so upset.

Yeah, right after he finishes throwing up.

God, this is all my fault.

How is this your fault?

When I found Ophelia, she told me she didn't think Jack was the one,

but I convinced her to go through with it.

I was banging on about ice cream for 20 minutes, like a dick...

She might have mentioned she was humping her brother.

Trust me, the best thing we can do right now is get the hell out of here.

-What?

-Let's just go.

We'll pretend like none of this ever happened -

it'll be like when we found Mum's vibrators in the washing machine.

Yeah, yeah. Let's go.

May I have a word with the two of you?

Now...

I don't know what the pair of you think you saw...

We saw your weird kids fucking each other.

Yes.

Well, I had hoped that that particular form of horseplay

had been left behind with adolescence,

but I'm sure you can appreciate that weddings are emotional days,

and sometimes, emotions can get the better of weaker individuals.

Now, given the magnitude of this occasion,

I do feel it would be for the good of us all

if today's...developments stayed within these four walls.

Oh, my God, are you going to kill us?

Eh?

No, I'm simply going to ask

that you practice a certain level of discretion.

DAN SIGHS

Fair enough.

But, I mean... what's in it for us?

Come again?

The way I see it,

it's kind of like your kids have had an accident in the swimming pool,

and you're asking us to keep doing the backstroke

and pretend that we didn't just see a giant turd floating by.

Very well.

How much will it take to keep you quiet?

I want an apology from Sebastian...

..and that awesome Mercedes.

-No fucking way.

-Father, you can't...

-Silence!

Here's what's going to happen.

You are going to stay here with my pathetic excuse for a son,

you're going to keep an eye on him until he sobers up.

If you can handle that, the Mercedes is all yours.

And you are going to come back to the reception with me,

and we are going to get this farce of a wedding over with.

I'm sorry, I can't just go back and act all normal.

I feel like I'm going to cry out of every hole.

You're the best man, correct?

Then it's your job to do whatever it takes to keep your friend happy.

I know a lot of you have travelled far and wide to be with us today,

so I just want you to know how grateful we are to you

-for having made the effort.

-DAN SOBS

Today truly has been a wonderful occasion,

but all good things must come to an end, so without further ado,

I'm going to ask the best man to say a few words.

CHARLES COUGHS Oi, Danny boy, you're up.

Give them hell.

I read that a good best man speech should be like a Mexican dwarf...

..short and a little bit spicy.

JACK LAUGHS

Hey, Sebastian, where's the best place to buy driving gloves?

Excuse me?

I was thinking, driving gloves might go really nicely with my Mercedes.

Maybe an in-car humidor, as well.

You know, expensive possessions are nice,

-but they'll never make you happy.

-Not true.

The only people who ever say that

are people who either have no chance of ever being rich,

or people who already are rich.

It's us suckers in the middle who know that that's bullshit.

Take it from me, Hannah -

I've lived my whole life surrounded by lavish objects,

but the one thing I truly loved, I couldn't have.

Yeah, because it's your sister, you fucking weirdo.

God, my dad was right...

I'm pathetic.

I was a pathetic child,

I was pathetic when I let my friends throw cream at you

-HE SOBS

-and I'm pathetic now...

Whoa, come on, don't do that.

Do you want to, I don't know, play cribbage or something?

I'll be OK.

Could you just get me a tissue from over there?

Yeah, sure.

And you know, I made a pretty big deal of the Cream Hog thing,

but I think maybe we're even now and...

DOOR OPENS

Oh, shit.

I'm sure some of you have found this speech revolting, disappointing...

and thought it finished too quickly,

but I just wanted to give the bride

a preview of what's in store for her tonight...

JACK LAUGHS DAN SOBS

So, please join me in raising a toast to Jack and Ophelia.

I'm sure you'll be the happiest couple in the world.

-Jack and Ophelia.

-ALL:

-Jack and Ophelia.

Thank you, Danny boy.

Anyway, I wanted to say a few final words.

Ophelia, I have never loved anyone else as much as I love you.

You are my porcelain angel and I want to prove to everyone here

just how much I love you.

-ALL:

-Aww...

This is Ayumi.

My sex doll.

Before I met you, she was all I had.

But now, she means nothing to me,

because I know what you and I have is the real deal.

Goodbye.

Stop! Don't do it!

Jack, I'm sorry, but there's something I need to tell you.

Sit down, you fool.

Stop, stop, stop!

-Sebby?

-Everybody, there's something that I need to say...

Stop! Don't listen to him, he's fucking crazy!

I am not crazy.

I just need everybody to know that I...

I...

..love my sister.

And...

I hope that she's happy.

Whoo!

Let's hear it for the happy couple. Hit it!

Oh. I thought there'd be someone on music. No?

You know what, Dan? I take back what I said this morning.

All-in-all, that was a pretty good wedding.

Are you joking? It was a nightmare!

I mean, I'm eating this cake, but I can barely enjoy it.

I was supposed to be best man, but thanks to me,

Jack and Ophelia are stuck in an empty, twisted marriage.

If it's any consolation,

you're basically just describing most marriages.

Plus, look on the bright side - I got a Mercedes out of it.

I suppose any day where you get a free car can't be all bad.

Exactly! Now, let's go get our hands on that little beauty

and get the fuck out of this hellhole.

Is there someone in there?

Oh shit, maybe they got us a driver as well.

No, it looks like, er... Sebastian.

Oh, God. What's he doing there?

-Oh shit...

-GUNSHOT

BIRDS FLUTTER AWAY

Fuck!

My Mercedes...