For Love or Mummy Sorry!

-Is that you, Timothy?

-Yes, Mother!

-Did you wipe your feet?

-Yes, Mother.

-Well, do them again.

-Yes, Mother.

-Cleaning them now, Mother!

-Good boy.

-Hello, darling.

-Hello.

-Good day at the library?

-No.

-That's nice.

-I've been having a good old clear-out.

-Clear-out?

Don't worry, nothing of yours.

Just kitchen stuff and your father's rubbish.

-Mother...

-Look at your face!

-What?

-Lick.

-Mother, that's a duster!

Look at you. Anyone would think you hadn't got a mother.

I think they know.

Who else would comb my hair and give me a lick wash in public?

We don't listen to silly boys. Ooh, look...

-Are my clean shirts in the...?

-Pickled onions. 1945.

Only one left.

Waste not, want not. Oh, Timmy.

I wish you wouldn't pull faces.

The wind might change and then where would you be?

-On the shelf. Say ah.

-Ah!

There. All gone. Good boy.

What's that you've just given me to eat?

I can't read the label.

Cloves. You've just given me a clove to eat.

Well, there would be millions that would be happy to have a

clove to eat. Where are you going?

-I'm going towards the door.

-Why?

Because it's the only way through the wall.

Oh, granted, I didn't ask permission. Please?

Timmy, you always seek to hurt. It's not nice.

Mother, are my clean shirts in the...?

-You're not going out tonight.

-You know I go out Wednesday.

Wednesday night, amateur dramatics. You know...

You don't appreciate how lonely it is here on Wednesdays.

You always have Father to talk to.

-He isn't blowing his nose all the time.

-Yes, he is!

Mother, you always say you want me to meet people of my own age.

I don't want to meet people my own age when I'm 30 years older than they are.

-< FATHER CLEARS THROAT

-You've woken your father up now.

Is he going to... Yes.

HE BLOWS HIS NOSE LOUDLY

Thank you, Dad. There we are.

Not quite as loud as the 12th green at Sunningdale

and Jack Nicklaus tried to kill him with his putter. Goodbye, Mother.

You're not going anywhere without a decent meal inside you.

-Mother, I shall be late.

-You are a growing boy.

I'm not a growing boy.

I'm 40 years old, Mother. What you see is all you are going to get!

Thank you, Timmy. You're 41, by the way.

I mean, you could be a grandmother. I could be a father.

So that's why you are looking so pale.

-You've got something to tell me.

-No, I'm not pregnant.

Timothy, you have to keep your strength up. Now then...

There is the rest of this flan, yesterday.

Monday's bubble and squeak.

This last cold potato you have apparently got

something against or the fish pie from Sunday.

Cat turned her nose up at it again, did she?

-I'll have the flan, Mother.

-You're going to have all of it.

-All of it?!

Mother, I don't want to be late. I shall miss the auditions,

end up getting the part of the fellow who was murdered in the first two minutes, like last year.

You were very good as a dead body.

-Until I snored, yes.

-Hands?

I don't want those brazen hussies at dramatics saying I don't feed you.

No brazen hussies at the Ravenscross Thespians. More's the pity.

Well, I didn't like what I saw in that American show you did.

-You mean Guys And Dolls?

-Those girls looked fast to me.

Well, they were acting, Mother.

The same girls were all nuns in The Sound Of Music!

Except Mrs Horsfield, of course. She was a storm trooper.

She had her own jackboots.

All joints on the table will be carved.

-What, pardon, what?

-Elbows!

And you wonder you haven't been promoted at work.

Quite right, at the library promotion goes entirely on elbows.

It's the same all over the world.

President Reagan swept to victory on the elbow vote.

It's you that's making yourself late talking. Sidney! Sidney!

Thanks to Timothy you've got to eat now.

Where are you?

-There's a good boy.

-Yes... Oh...

Well, Mother, I must be rushing otherwise I shall be late.

-Not before pudding.

-Pudding?

-Surely you haven't forgotten last Tuesday's spotted dick.

-Oh, Mother!

Here we are.

Sorry. Ha-ha!

Apologising to the furniture.

There we are. That's it.

-Cheers!

-Cheers.

-Cheers, Frank.

I think I will go and ring Mother. I said I would.

-Tim, why don't you just sit down?

-Right. I'll do it later.

Frank, you didn't think I...

You didn't think I was too masculine at the auditions, sort of too...

-..too butch?

-No, no. Just right, Tim.

I liked the macho way you spat at the piano.

Ha-ha! That was Tuesday's spotted dick.

It was a bit rich, you know. More spots than dick!

If you get the part,

are you sure you can maintain that level of virility?

Well, put it this way, Frank,

when I played the cat in Dick Whittington there were no complaints.

Nobody thought I had been doctored, that's for sure.

-What do you think of the new girl, talking of

-tomcats? Which new girl?

-Annette.

-Annette? Is that the nicely dressed one with the...

Nice, you know, T-shirt on and the bib and braces

and trainers and the Save The Whale badge and the wedding ring

on the third finger of her left hand?

-That's the one.

-I didn't notice her.

Well, she noticed you.

Ha-ha, well, they do. Sort of animal thing.

Basic thing. Did she really?

Oh, yes. I was talking to her.

She said she'd seen you in The King And I that night you forgot to take your glasses off.

Frank, I'm trying to forget I was one of the Siamese children,

if you don't mind. Did you tell her I was a black belt at karate?

-No. You aren't.

-No, but it's worth a try, isn't it?

You didn't tell her I'm a librarian, did you?

-Tim, your secret is safe with me.

-Pork scratching?

So, she's married, I take it, is she?

No, her old man has gone off, as a matter of fact.

Oh, lead me to her. Ha-ha. Let the dog see the rabbit.

Run it up the flagpole and see if anyone bites, woof-woof!

Hold on, Rover. There's your rabbit in the other bar.

-Talking to Geoffrey.

-Yes, that's the girl. She looks really lovely.

-Annette!

-No, not now. Don't bring her over now.

-What do you mean?

-I'm not ready. I haven't got anything to say.

-What's the matter with you?

-Get rid of her.

-Hello, Frank.

-Oh!

-Sorry.

Annette, this is Timothy.

So it is, of course it is. Ha-ha! It always has been, hasn't it?

Didn't I see you at the attractions? Sorry, at the...auditions.

Excuse me. Freudian gymslip... Slip, sorry!

-Well, I think I will be getting along.

-No, don't go! Don't go.

I'm just going to have a word with Geoffrey. Woof-woof.

Ha-ha! Sorry.

-However...

-Yes?

-Would you mind very much if I blew my nose?

-No.

It's cold potato.

So it is.

I wouldn't like you to think I'm the sort of person who

goes around with a cold potato in his pocket.

No, no.

Not all the time, anyway. Good heavens, no.

-I feel we're really getting to know each other.

-Absolutely.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Excuse me.

Sorry.

-I, um...

-Yes?

-Well...

I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed your audition,

how good you were. Because people ought to be complimented

and I thought you were wonderful.

Oh, did you? Thank you. I really don't know what to say.

Sorry. Didn't mean to embarrass you.

Oh, no, you didn't, you didn't, no.

I liked it.

I haven't been complimented

since I was an outstanding cat in Dick Whittington.

They awarded me the costume.

-Oh, terrific. Do you...?

-Yes.

-Sorry, do I what, sorry?

-Live hereabouts?

-Um...

Yes, I live with my mother. And my father to a lesser extent.

-You live at home?

-Well, they need me. They need me, you know.

It's not just the money.

It's a sense of a firm hand on the tiller, you know.

So I am a bachelor.

-Not a confirmed one, of course, none of that.

-No, no, of course.

No, I come and go as I please - on the motorbike.

Leader of the pack, that kind of thing.

I work out quite a lot.

I'm in quite good shape for a man of my age.

Not that I am a man of my age but...

Ha-ha. What about you, are you avail...?

I mean...

-Oh, yes. We...

-We? We? Sorry.

No, I'm an I.

Yes, I thought I'd found Mr Right

but he turned into Mr Wrong and went off with Miss Fantastic.

Oh, dear.

She'd have to be pretty fantastic to be more fantastic than, you know...

you know, than you are.

-Do you really think so?

-Yes.

I don't suppose you're going on this riverboat shuffle thing tomorrow

-night, are you?

-No. Mother said no. Well...

What has she got to do with it? Who is she to say no?

Yes, I am going on this riverboat shuffle thing tomorrow night.

-Unless you are not going.

-Oh, I am.

Oh, good. Then we're both going together.

Lovely. Oh, dear. Who would have thought this morning, here

I am sitting with both elbows on the table, going to the riverboat

shuffle thing tomorrow night with a genuine brazen hussy!

-Who's that?

-You are.

-I'm not a brazen hussy.

-Well, Mother thinks you are.

I don't think you are at all, of course. Forget I said that.

-Best to forget that. Ha-ha.

-Well, I think I will be going now.

No, not just when we were getting to...

I thought we were getting... Annette! Annette! Look, what I meant was...

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Yes, Mother.

Annette!

What about the gumboots, Mother?

Annette...

All over his feet?

Well, Mother. I'm going to be very late tonight, I'm afraid. Yes.

Yes, I have got a clean hankie.

Yes, and my comb... What?

BLOWS KISS

Sorry, no. Not...

All right, then, Mother. I'll see you then. OK, bye.

Annette! Annette!

Oh, where did she...?

What possessed me to say "genuine brazen hussy"? I don't...

Sorry, I'm talking to myself. All water under the bridge.

You win some, you lose some, I suppose. Oh, dear.

ARCADE MACHINE SOUND EFFECTS

Bloody Dakrons!

Oh, I didn't like the look of her anyway.

I'm not a brazen hussy.

Oh, ha-ha! Oh, I'm sorry about that terrible...

-I came back because I liked talking to you.

-Thank you very much.

-You're not like the others.

-Well, you're even less like the others.

Perhaps we can both be not like the others together.

Isn't that wonderful?

-Well, I have to get back now.

-Oh, no, let me take you, please.

I will give you a lift. Would you like to come this way?

I... Have you ever...?

That's mine. You borrow that. I'll borrow Frank's.

-Have you ever ridden pillion before?

-Yes, I have.

It's a pretty powerful bike, this.

It's parked out the back. Will you follow me?

Timothy has left his tea to get cold, as usual.

It's quite a mild sort of day.

I might as well talk to the sideboard.

Timothy has just delivered another bombshell.

-Hm?

-It's another girl.

-Hm.

-They're going out tonight.

-Oh, good for him.

-On a cruise.

Up the river, if you please.

Absolutely no consideration.

Tonight has always been his bath night.

And off he goes. Down yours, Jack, I'm all right.

-Up.

-What?

-Up.

# ...would be just any night tonight

# La-da-dee... #

Yes, Timothy. We've got the point, thank you.

-You know your father's furious.

-Is he?!

Are we to take it that you have made up your mind about this evening?

-Yes, Mother.

-And what about your piano practice?

Mother, as it's taken me 32 years to reach grade two...

I'm not going to be grade four until I'm 73.

So, I'm not going to be Rubinstein.

I'm not going to be Reg Varney until I'm 60.

-Timothy, wash your mouth out.

-Sorry, Father.

-You realise we know nothing about this girl.

-Why should you?

She's my friend, Mother, isn't she? She is my friend.

All right, her name is Annette.

She has a full range of working parts and optional blue eyes.

Just as I thought. A jumped-up little thing from nowhere.

What do you mean? I'm the only jumped-up little thing around here.

-You know what I mean. What's her background?

-Background?

-What do you want me to do, take references?

-Don't be impertinent.

-Impertinence?

-Language, Timothy.

-Oh, shut up, Father!

Fair enough.

Do you wish to get down from the table?

No, I wish to get down from the cliff, Mother.

You are driving me mad.

And don't shout in front of the canary!

-We haven't had a canary for years!

-That's not the point!

-Mind the marmalade.

-I will mind the marmalade, Mother.

I will mind the marmalade. By Jove. I shall mind the marmalade.

Did you see that? He threw the marmalade out of the back door.

Didn't hit the cold frame, did he?

-Oh, be quiet, Sidney.

-I am sorry about the marmalade, Mother,

but I really must put my foot down.

Shock, horror, scandal, as middle- aged man goes out two nights running.

Don't you realise, Mother, I must be my own master? Goodbye!

DOOR SLAMS

Briefcase, sorry.

Gloves, sorry.

Sorry!

-Yes, sir.

-I thought I might buy some flowers.

-You're just in time.

I was going to switch over to flogging three-piece suites(!)

-How much are the...

-Chrysanthemums. 60p. Roses, two quid. Iris...

I'll have roses, red roses. Two bunches, please.

No, make it three.

-Let's hope she's worth it.

-Oh, I think she is. She's a very nice girl.

Just met her last night.

Caused a little bit of an upset. Will it be all right to insert a card?

Insert what you want, my son.

How many Ns in Annette?

You don't catch 'ens in a net!

There we are. That all right?

"From Timothy with love to Annette.

"Your library books are overdue, please make arrangements..."

That's it, there we are. That's it.

I think it's perfectly obvious what they mean in the language of flowers.

Yeah, six quid!

-Hello!

-Ah, Timothy.

-Shush!

-Sorry.

Must rush upstairs and get changed.

He's brought me flowers.

He isn't such a bad little stick, when all's said and done.

I don't often lay down the law, Phyllis,

but I think it's time I did some plain speaking.

For a start... No, she's gone.

-Dear, sweet boy.

-Mother...

Oh, Timmy. Timmykins.

Who's been a naughty boy?

Who has gone and bought his mother a big, big bunch of roses, her favourite flowers?

-Oh, you shouldn't have.

-I didn't, Mother.

I didn't shouldn't have.

-Well, I did. I thought you would like them.

-Oh, dear little Timmy.

-Ooh! There's a note as well.

-Don't read, that is a joke.

Don't worry about that.

"From Timothy with love to Annette."

-Annette.

-That's my pet name for you, Mother. It's a misprint.

It's Mother spelt backwards.

Annette! Annette. It's that woman?

-Yes, it is that woman.

-So you're going to her tonight.

I am going to her tonight, Mother, as I said.

If only I can find a decent pair of trousers to wear.

-Where are all my trousers, Mother?

-All at the cleaner's, Timothy.

-What, all of them?

-Naturally. I always have to do them all at once.

Don't blame me if it doesn't fit in with your plans.

-What are you doing, Mother?

-They need to be washed.

They won't be ready for tonight, Mother!

Then you won't be able to go, will you?

I have nothing to wear, Mother. You did that on purpose. You did that...

You did that... The only thing that's upstairs is that blessed cat costume from the amateur dramatics.

Well, go and seek your fortune in that!

-Ha-ha!

-If you do,

I shall never speak to you again as long as I live.

-Never?

-Never!

That settles it. Ha-ha, ha-ha!

-Bye!

-Bye, Timothy. Good time!

-Thank you!

-Shush. Don't say a word to him.

-He's dressed as a cat.

-Boys will be boys, Phyllis.

Shut up, Sidney.

Don't wait up all night for me. I'll be out on the tiles!

DANCE MUSIC

Tim? What are you doing on your own?

Well, I'm just keeping a low profile.

People are laughing and giggling.

Of course they are. Look at you.

-Have you danced with Annette?

-No, not in as many words, no.

You've been on this boat an hour.

There she is. Dancing with Geoffrey.

He seems to be doing all right, too.

Mind you, he has come dressed as a human being.

-What's the matter with you? Get in there.

-To be honest, it's Mother.

-What?

-We had words.

-So?

I had to rather put her in her place and, you know,

I've upset myself.

-Shut up about your mother.

-I can't help it!

Over there is a girl who likes you very much. You like her very much.

Now, get to it or you are going to find yourself neutered!

-All right, Frank. If you say so.

-Not because I say so.

-I'm sorry.

And don't say sorry.

HE MOUTHS

All right, I am on my way. Will you wish me luck? Paws crossed!

Oh, ye gods.

RAIN LASHES DOWN

-Isn't it romantic?

-Yes, lovely.

I saw the moon just now.

-Before it started raining.

-Sleet, isn't it?

Um... Yes, well, some of it.

I am sorry. Are you in a draught?

Would you like my tail around your neck?

No, no, thank you.

Are you sure you are warm enough in that thing?

You sound just like my mother.

No, I didn't mean that. I meant...

Genuine concern. She is concerned, you know.

I'm afraid I did rather upset her.

We shouldn't be talking about my mother.

We should be talking about,

um...you and me.

I did upset her, you know. I had better go and ring her.

You can't. We're on a boat.

Good point. I didn't think of that.

You could always put a message in a bottle.

I'll have a word with the driver,

he could pull in and I could nip off and phone her, then.

-Would he do that?

-Money talks.

I don't suppose you could lend me a fiver?

-Hurry up, pussycat!

-Get your paw out!

I wish I had a pound note for every time I've waited for you to ring your mother.

What's new, pussycat?!

Come on, they're going to close the bar while we're tied up!

Come on, puss! Puss, puss!

Come on, come on. Where are you?

I must have misdialled.

You've had plenty of time to answer now.

-Something must have happened.

-Come on, puss. You're ruining the party.

Oh!

There's no reply. Something terrible must have happened.

Mother could have fallen down the stairs.

-But your father would have answered.

-They could have fallen down together.

It's my fault, you know.

I ought to be looking after them.

-There's only one thing for it.

-Timothy! Tim!

Cat overboard!

Oh, bloody hell.

Oh, he's unstoppable.

-I thought he liked me but he is so strange.

-No, he's not.

He's perfectly normal.

He's jumped in the river in the middle of the night.

-He's gone to visit his mother.

-Dressed up as a cat?!

-Well, why not?

Life is short.

Yes, it is. Where's Geoffrey?

Mother! Mother!

Where are you, Mother?

Anybody here? Mother!

Where are you?

God, what's happened? Mother!

-You're here?

-Hello, Timothy.

-Shush.

-Fair enough.

-Mother, where were you? I rang.

Yes, I know. Twice.

-Then... Why didn't you reply?

-Have you forgotten?

-What?

I am never going to speak to you again as long as I live.

But you... You... You have ruined my entire evening.

-You have ruined my entire life!

-Good.

Now you know what it feels like.

What can I do? What can...? I know.

I'm going out the front, I am going to go onto the garage roof

and howl like a demented tomcat all night.

Timothy! Timmy! The neighbours! You can't.

Never mind the neighbours, Mother. Never mind the neighbours.

-I have changed my mind. I am going to leave home forever.

-You can't.

I am going, do you hear?

-Very well.

-I am 41 years old, Mother. I am now going.

Then good riddance to bad rubbish!

I've done it. I've done it!

I'm free at last. Free at last.

Mother! Mother!

I am trapped, Mother.

Mother! Mother!

Mummy!