Buttons Sorry!
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT LOUDLY | 0:00:34 | 0:00:37 | |
-Do you have to do that, Sidney? -What? | 0:00:37 | 0:00:41 | |
Clear your throat like that. | 0:00:41 | 0:00:43 | |
-Like what? -In that silly way. -Silly? | 0:00:43 | 0:00:46 | |
Oh, never mind. | 0:00:46 | 0:00:48 | |
Hhhhrrrrmmmph! | 0:00:48 | 0:00:50 | |
-There you go again. -No, I didn't. -Yes, you did. | 0:00:52 | 0:00:55 | |
-You don't know you're doing it. -Of course I do. | 0:00:55 | 0:00:57 | |
Hhhhrrrrmmmph! | 0:00:59 | 0:01:01 | |
-You do it to annoy me. -I do not. | 0:01:01 | 0:01:03 | |
I've been clearing my throat like that for 40 years. | 0:01:03 | 0:01:06 | |
That's what annoys me! | 0:01:06 | 0:01:08 | |
Ha ha! | 0:01:08 | 0:01:09 | |
Ta-da! | 0:01:11 | 0:01:12 | |
-Anyone for pumpkin? -Don't show off. | 0:01:12 | 0:01:16 | |
-Your coffee is cold. -Hhhhrrrrmmmph! | 0:01:16 | 0:01:18 | |
I'm not surprised, Father keeps blowing on it! | 0:01:18 | 0:01:21 | |
-I'll clear my throat the way I want! -I didn't mean that, sorry... | 0:01:21 | 0:01:24 | |
-Don't argue with your father! -I'm not arguing. | 0:01:24 | 0:01:26 | |
-Don't argue with your mother! -But don't you unders... | 0:01:26 | 0:01:28 | |
-What's that thing? -It is a pumpkin, Mother, for the panto. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:31 | |
-You're too big for your boots, Timothy. -Oh, right, I'm off. | 0:01:31 | 0:01:34 | |
-Where are you going? -I'm off to join the SAS. | 0:01:34 | 0:01:36 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:36 | 0:01:37 | |
I'm after an easy life, don't you understand? | 0:01:41 | 0:01:44 | |
You're going nowhere until you've tried Uncle Biffo's jacket on. | 0:01:44 | 0:01:47 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:47 | 0:01:49 | |
He wanted you to have it. | 0:01:50 | 0:01:53 | |
I knew he didn't like me. | 0:01:53 | 0:01:55 | |
There's no moth in it. | 0:01:55 | 0:01:57 | |
-No moth in its right mind, anyway. -Now, don't be silly. | 0:01:57 | 0:02:01 | |
You'll look very nice at the golf club dance tonight. | 0:02:01 | 0:02:04 | |
I am NOT going to the golf club dance. | 0:02:04 | 0:02:07 | |
Are you constipated? | 0:02:07 | 0:02:09 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:09 | 0:02:11 | |
No, Mother, I'm not constipated. | 0:02:11 | 0:02:14 | |
You don't have to be constipated not to want to go to a golf club dance. | 0:02:14 | 0:02:17 | |
-I don't like dancing. -It's good for constipation. | 0:02:17 | 0:02:21 | |
I don't care if it's good for constipation, Mother, | 0:02:21 | 0:02:24 | |
I'm not constipated! I just don't want to go to the golf club dance. | 0:02:24 | 0:02:27 | |
-Bolshie, Timothy! -Sorry, Father. -It's just that your father and I | 0:02:27 | 0:02:31 | |
happen to think that the golf club is just the sort of place | 0:02:31 | 0:02:35 | |
where you might meet a really sensible sort of girl. | 0:02:35 | 0:02:38 | |
-What do you mean by sensible? What do you mean, sensible, Mother? -Well... | 0:02:38 | 0:02:42 | |
-sensible. -What you mean, sensible? What you mean, sensible? | 0:02:42 | 0:02:46 | |
With sensible shoes. | 0:02:46 | 0:02:48 | |
And perhaps something put aside in the building society. | 0:02:48 | 0:02:51 | |
Building society, Mother? | 0:02:51 | 0:02:52 | |
I don't want that, I want a raven-haired beauty | 0:02:52 | 0:02:55 | |
striding out of the sea with a dagger strapped to her right thigh. | 0:02:55 | 0:02:58 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:58 | 0:03:00 | |
-And the zip undone right the way down as far as... -Timothy! | 0:03:00 | 0:03:04 | |
And eating a chocolate bar. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:06 | |
Well, that won't do her teeth any good. | 0:03:06 | 0:03:09 | |
Oh, who cares about her teeth, Mother? Ha ha! | 0:03:09 | 0:03:12 | |
Plenty more where they come from. I should say so! Ah! Three o'clock. | 0:03:12 | 0:03:16 | |
Must be off to rehearsals. | 0:03:16 | 0:03:18 | |
Oh, yes, of course, the Ravencross Thespians - | 0:03:18 | 0:03:21 | |
very important(!) | 0:03:21 | 0:03:22 | |
And you'll be assistant under-dogsbody as usual? | 0:03:22 | 0:03:26 | |
I do have an executive role on the management side, yes. | 0:03:26 | 0:03:29 | |
Sweeping up, you mean? | 0:03:29 | 0:03:32 | |
To some extent, yes. | 0:03:32 | 0:03:34 | |
But this year I have a part. | 0:03:34 | 0:03:36 | |
Well, do try and keep out of the back row of the chorus. | 0:03:36 | 0:03:39 | |
We never saw you in the Student Prince | 0:03:39 | 0:03:42 | |
until the front row took a bow. | 0:03:42 | 0:03:44 | |
Mother, to take part is the important thing. | 0:03:45 | 0:03:48 | |
-Participation is of the essence. That's what Zac says. -Oh, Zac! | 0:03:48 | 0:03:52 | |
The great Zac! I'm sick of Zac! | 0:03:52 | 0:03:54 | |
Zac, Mother, is a very caring and sensitive director. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:57 | |
He is a real artist. | 0:03:57 | 0:03:59 | |
And what is this real work of art you're doing with him? | 0:03:59 | 0:04:02 | |
Cinderella. HORN TOOTS | 0:04:02 | 0:04:04 | |
-There we are, I must be off, Mother. -Timothy... | 0:04:04 | 0:04:06 | |
Don't worry, I shall be back before midnight. Ha-ha-ha-ha! | 0:04:06 | 0:04:09 | |
Hrrrmmmmmphhh! | 0:04:12 | 0:04:15 | |
Don't YOU start! | 0:04:15 | 0:04:17 | |
TYRES SCREECH | 0:04:17 | 0:04:19 | |
Coming! Coming! Ha ha! Hello, hello! Sorry I'm late. | 0:04:22 | 0:04:27 | |
-Very good of you to do this. -Hi, Tim. | 0:04:27 | 0:04:29 | |
-You know Poppy? -Hi, you. -What? "High you"? | 0:04:29 | 0:04:31 | |
Oh, sorry, "Hi, you!" Ha ha! | 0:04:31 | 0:04:34 | |
Yes, lovely... Shall I climb in the back? | 0:04:34 | 0:04:36 | |
-Well, there's no room in the front, Timmy! -Ha-ha-ha-ha! | 0:04:36 | 0:04:38 | |
I'll remember that one! | 0:04:38 | 0:04:40 | |
Look at him, jumping up and down, waggling his silly little tail. | 0:04:40 | 0:04:43 | |
Oh, come on, Phyllis, let the young... | 0:04:43 | 0:04:45 | |
-Have you cleaned your shoes for tonight? The dance? -No. Fair enough. | 0:04:45 | 0:04:49 | |
ENGINE REVS | 0:04:51 | 0:04:53 | |
And don't forget to put that cream on your spots! | 0:04:53 | 0:04:56 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:56 | 0:04:58 | |
HE WHISTLES | 0:05:23 | 0:05:25 | |
-Ooh! -You run along, huh? | 0:05:25 | 0:05:27 | |
-Tim! You're not doing anything after rehearsal. -Oh, aren't I? No... | 0:05:29 | 0:05:34 | |
No, I'm not. No, no. Why? Where are we going? | 0:05:34 | 0:05:36 | |
No, no, you see, the thing is, Poppy and I are going to Stratford. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:41 | |
-For the night! -Oh! | 0:05:41 | 0:05:42 | |
-HE CHUCKLES -You know, Stratford! | 0:05:42 | 0:05:46 | |
Yes. Yes, well, I know Stratford. Love's Labours Lost. | 0:05:46 | 0:05:49 | |
Although I'm sure they won't be with the... I'm sure... | 0:05:49 | 0:05:51 | |
-All's Well That Ends Well! -Yes, yes, yes. -Sorry. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:54 | |
You see, there's this problem. There's this other chick, Vanessa. | 0:05:54 | 0:05:59 | |
-Oh, you know, last year's model. -Oh! Last year's model! Always a problem! | 0:05:59 | 0:06:06 | |
Don't I know! And now you're trading it in. | 0:06:06 | 0:06:09 | |
Hell, no! She's a lovely lady! | 0:06:09 | 0:06:12 | |
But the thing is, I'm kind of into Poppy right now | 0:06:12 | 0:06:14 | |
and Vanessa's still hanging in there. | 0:06:14 | 0:06:17 | |
Oh! I see! I see! | 0:06:17 | 0:06:21 | |
I think I see. | 0:06:22 | 0:06:24 | |
Well, you know what women are like. | 0:06:24 | 0:06:27 | |
HE CHUCKLES URBANELY Do I know what women are like? | 0:06:27 | 0:06:31 | |
I know what my mother's like. | 0:06:31 | 0:06:33 | |
-Tim...I kind of hate to ask you to do this. -Oh, no, you can... | 0:06:33 | 0:06:38 | |
But do you think you could make Vanessa welcome? | 0:06:38 | 0:06:41 | |
You know, buy her a drink. | 0:06:41 | 0:06:44 | |
Maybe you two could get it together. | 0:06:44 | 0:06:46 | |
-Make her kind of feel that life was worth living after all. -Yes, yes. | 0:06:46 | 0:06:50 | |
-You know, let it all hang out? -Yes! | 0:06:50 | 0:06:53 | |
-Do you see? -Er, no, thank you. | 0:06:53 | 0:06:55 | |
Oh, right, thank you. Yes, yes! | 0:06:55 | 0:06:58 | |
Well, I have made one or two chicks in the past | 0:06:58 | 0:07:00 | |
feel that life was kind of worth living... | 0:07:00 | 0:07:03 | |
HE MUTTERS | 0:07:03 | 0:07:05 | |
Though I say it myself, Zac, I, er... | 0:07:05 | 0:07:08 | |
Zac, Zac... | 0:07:08 | 0:07:09 | |
Zac? Oh! Sorry, I was... I was... I'm sorry, I... | 0:07:09 | 0:07:13 | |
PIANO PLAYS | 0:07:13 | 0:07:15 | |
WOMAN SINGS SHRILLY, FEET THUMP | 0:07:15 | 0:07:18 | |
# Sing and dance and shout hoorah! | 0:07:18 | 0:07:21 | |
# We're so happy it's alarming | 0:07:21 | 0:07:24 | |
# Let's all go and meet | 0:07:24 | 0:07:27 | |
# Prince Charming! # | 0:07:27 | 0:07:29 | |
Come on, come on! Try to look happy! | 0:07:29 | 0:07:31 | |
It's supposed to be a wedding, for God's sake! Smile! And off! | 0:07:31 | 0:07:35 | |
Come on, move, move! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! | 0:07:35 | 0:07:38 | |
-PIANO PLAYS MANICALLY -All right, hold the music! | 0:07:38 | 0:07:41 | |
Paul! Paul! Hold the music! | 0:07:41 | 0:07:44 | |
Horace the horse... will you get off the stage?! | 0:07:44 | 0:07:48 | |
HOOVES CLUMP | 0:07:48 | 0:07:49 | |
No! The other way! The horse doesn't go to the wedding! | 0:07:49 | 0:07:53 | |
Stage right, your left! | 0:07:53 | 0:07:56 | |
Sorry, what's... This way, do you mean? You mean this way? | 0:07:56 | 0:07:59 | |
-MUFFLED: -No! | 0:07:59 | 0:08:00 | |
-What? Sorry, sorry... -Tim, stage left! | 0:08:00 | 0:08:04 | |
Wait a minute, Zac. It's just that I... | 0:08:04 | 0:08:06 | |
You know, I feel that this horse... | 0:08:06 | 0:08:10 | |
you know, would want to go to the wedding. I mean, I just feel... | 0:08:10 | 0:08:14 | |
You know... I just, you know... I just think it's... | 0:08:14 | 0:08:18 | |
-He's that sort of horse, that's all, you know... -Tim...! | 0:08:18 | 0:08:22 | |
No, Zac, wait a minute. You see, you see... I... | 0:08:22 | 0:08:25 | |
I have thought myself, Zac, into the rear end of this horse. | 0:08:25 | 0:08:30 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:08:30 | 0:08:33 | |
In a sense, Zac, you see, in a sense, | 0:08:33 | 0:08:35 | |
I AM the rear end of this horse. | 0:08:35 | 0:08:38 | |
Yes, you are! | 0:08:38 | 0:08:40 | |
And the brains are in the front! So will you follow Frank, please?! | 0:08:40 | 0:08:44 | |
No, no, wait a minute. You're obviously... You're a little bit... | 0:08:44 | 0:08:46 | |
Can we have a minute, girls, please? I'm trying to explain to Zac. | 0:08:46 | 0:08:49 | |
Look, you're obviously a little bit overwrought. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:52 | |
But I mean, as I see it, you see, in Cinderella, surely the horse... | 0:08:52 | 0:08:57 | |
I might be wrong - please correct me if I am - but the horse | 0:08:57 | 0:09:00 | |
in Cinderella, Zac, represents, yes, the brute force of nature. | 0:09:00 | 0:09:05 | |
-Now, do you see? -All right, Tim! | 0:09:05 | 0:09:07 | |
I'll be the brains in the fronts of the horse | 0:09:07 | 0:09:09 | |
-and you be the brute force of nature at the back. -Right! | 0:09:09 | 0:09:12 | |
-We could split up... -Tim! -No... -It's all right, it's all right. | 0:09:12 | 0:09:16 | |
We'll play it your way. The horse goes to the wedding! | 0:09:16 | 0:09:19 | |
-He will be pleased! -End of rehearsal. We go to the pub. | 0:09:19 | 0:09:22 | |
-Ha ha! -Tim? -Yes? | 0:09:22 | 0:09:25 | |
-You won't forget about Vanessa? -No. -Right. -Oh... | 0:09:25 | 0:09:29 | |
-Well, coming for a drink, brute force? -No. | 0:09:29 | 0:09:32 | |
No, as a matter of fact, I'll just hang about. | 0:09:32 | 0:09:34 | |
I've got a favour to do for... Zac. A little... | 0:09:34 | 0:09:36 | |
A little woman, you know. So I'll just hang about here. Ha ha! | 0:09:36 | 0:09:39 | |
-Let it all hang out. -Not in THOSE trousers you won't! -Ha ha! | 0:09:39 | 0:09:42 | |
-See you in the pub. -Okey-doke, yes. | 0:09:42 | 0:09:44 | |
Now, I'd just like to get this worked out again... | 0:09:44 | 0:09:47 | |
Um... | 0:09:47 | 0:09:48 | |
It's alarming... | 0:09:48 | 0:09:51 | |
Prince Charming... Turn round... | 0:09:51 | 0:09:53 | |
Wave the tail... One, two, three... | 0:09:53 | 0:09:55 | |
-WOMAN: -Hello? | 0:09:55 | 0:09:56 | |
-Hello? -Hello? | 0:09:56 | 0:09:58 | |
-Hello? -I was looking for Zac. -Oh, hello! You must be Vanessa. | 0:09:58 | 0:10:04 | |
SQUEAKY: My name is... Sorry. | 0:10:04 | 0:10:06 | |
-What? -Tim. My voice went, I'm sorry. -Oh! Where's Zac? | 0:10:06 | 0:10:08 | |
SQUEAKY: Well, he's not here. He's gone away to... Oh... | 0:10:08 | 0:10:12 | |
Sorry. | 0:10:12 | 0:10:14 | |
-The voice went again. I'm sorry. -Oh, dear, he said six o'clock. -Hm... | 0:10:14 | 0:10:18 | |
-Do you have a throat condition? -Um, well, I... I... | 0:10:18 | 0:10:22 | |
I am a little HOARSE! Ha ha! | 0:10:22 | 0:10:24 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:10:24 | 0:10:26 | |
-Sorry. -Pardon? -No, sorry it was... | 0:10:26 | 0:10:29 | |
Well, I do have a little trouble with the throat in the flying suit. | 0:10:29 | 0:10:32 | |
-Sorry, in the winter. I'm sorry, yes... -Where's Zac? | 0:10:32 | 0:10:35 | |
-Um, well, he's definitely not here. -Well, when will he be back? | 0:10:35 | 0:10:38 | |
-Um, well, I think it's about three hours to Stratford, isn't it? -Oh! | 0:10:38 | 0:10:43 | |
-Stratford! -HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY | 0:10:43 | 0:10:45 | |
-He always takes them there. -Yes. | 0:10:45 | 0:10:47 | |
Picked up some little bit from the back row, has the? | 0:10:47 | 0:10:50 | |
Well, front row, be fair. Ha ha! | 0:10:50 | 0:10:52 | |
-Getting the full treatment, is she, poor cow? -Mm. | 0:10:52 | 0:10:55 | |
Four-poster bed, all that? | 0:10:55 | 0:10:57 | |
Well, he didn't actually mention the number of posts, but... | 0:10:57 | 0:11:00 | |
And leaves a message with the nearest amenable idiot. | 0:11:00 | 0:11:03 | |
Yes, that's right, that's me. That's right... I mean, I mean... | 0:11:03 | 0:11:06 | |
Not that I'm an amenable idiot, I mean... Ha ha. | 0:11:06 | 0:11:09 | |
Charming! Left high and dry with nothing to do till eight o'clock. | 0:11:09 | 0:11:12 | |
-Hm. -Well, he's not the only pebble on the beach. -Ah! | 0:11:12 | 0:11:15 | |
That's where I fit in. As one of the lesser pebbles. Ha ha! | 0:11:15 | 0:11:20 | |
Barely shingle. Ha ha! | 0:11:20 | 0:11:22 | |
-Anyway, would you like to step over to the pub and have... -No, thank you. | 0:11:22 | 0:11:26 | |
Oh, Vanessa, I want you to know that life is still kind of worth living. | 0:11:26 | 0:11:29 | |
-What have you got on?! -I mean, if I might be frank, | 0:11:29 | 0:11:31 | |
I know that underneath you're hurting all over at the moment, but... | 0:11:31 | 0:11:34 | |
Oh, I see! This is Toyland and you're Noddy. | 0:11:34 | 0:11:36 | |
-Time is a great healer, if I may tell you. A great... -Do shut up. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:40 | |
-I understand. You have to take it out on someone. -Take what out? | 0:11:40 | 0:11:44 | |
-Well, this feeling of rejection, you know. I understand. -You're the horse! | 0:11:44 | 0:11:47 | |
Part of it, yes. Yes. | 0:11:47 | 0:11:49 | |
I too, myself, have been rejected in the past, believe it or not. Ha ha! | 0:11:49 | 0:11:53 | |
-Do be quiet. Zac Schmac! I've forgotten him already. -Oh, good. | 0:11:53 | 0:11:57 | |
Which part of the horse are you? | 0:11:57 | 0:11:59 | |
Second half. LAUGHTER | 0:11:59 | 0:12:02 | |
The back end, you mean. | 0:12:02 | 0:12:04 | |
The part the sun shines out of! Ha ha! | 0:12:04 | 0:12:07 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:12:07 | 0:12:08 | |
-What did you say your name was? -Tim. -Oh! -Timothy, yes. -Hm! | 0:12:10 | 0:12:15 | |
THEY CHUCKLE | 0:12:15 | 0:12:17 | |
Has a ring to it, doesn't it? Yes, I, I... | 0:12:17 | 0:12:20 | |
Sorry, I'm not making you feel very welcome, am I? | 0:12:20 | 0:12:23 | |
-Why don't we, er...? Let's pull up a toadstool! -Oh! | 0:12:23 | 0:12:26 | |
Ha ha! | 0:12:27 | 0:12:29 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:12:29 | 0:12:31 | |
-Oh, dear... Welcome to the village green! -Where is everyone? | 0:12:33 | 0:12:37 | |
Oh, I... I'm sorry. My... My voice has gone again. I'm sorry. | 0:12:37 | 0:12:41 | |
You know, the way you lose that voice is very good for my ego. | 0:12:41 | 0:12:45 | |
I'm sorry, it's just that... You know, you are, er... | 0:12:45 | 0:12:49 | |
very attractive, and, er... | 0:12:49 | 0:12:52 | |
voice just sort of goes! Ha ha! | 0:12:52 | 0:12:54 | |
-Why don't you sit down? -Oh, thank you much. | 0:12:54 | 0:12:57 | |
SHE SIGHS | 0:12:57 | 0:12:59 | |
-You know, I feel very safe with you. -Oh! | 0:12:59 | 0:13:02 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:02 | 0:13:04 | |
-What's wrong with that? -Well... | 0:13:04 | 0:13:07 | |
-It's probably, you know, my problem. -What? | 0:13:07 | 0:13:10 | |
Well, I mean, if you sort of feel safe with me... | 0:13:10 | 0:13:12 | |
I mean, if you, you know... | 0:13:12 | 0:13:13 | |
then I, you know, don't represent a threat or... | 0:13:13 | 0:13:16 | |
You know, I'm probably just not... macho enough, you know. | 0:13:16 | 0:13:19 | |
Macho - I'm sick of it! | 0:13:19 | 0:13:21 | |
Makes a change to talk to someone who doesn't see himself | 0:13:21 | 0:13:23 | |
-as halfway between Flash Gordon and King Kong. -Ha ha! | 0:13:23 | 0:13:27 | |
Well, I'm a change at least. Ha ha! | 0:13:27 | 0:13:30 | |
I'm something, I'm a change. Ha ha! | 0:13:30 | 0:13:32 | |
I was into all that virility thing when I was younger, | 0:13:32 | 0:13:35 | |
but frankly, now, I just, you know... let it all fall out. | 0:13:35 | 0:13:39 | |
-Hang! -Hang and fall, I do a bit of both, hang and fall... Ha ha! | 0:13:39 | 0:13:45 | |
I do a lot of hanging and falling, but I, er... | 0:13:45 | 0:13:47 | |
Tell me... I... Tsk! I mean, what about... Would it... | 0:13:47 | 0:13:52 | |
As it were, are you... Have you any... Are you doing any... | 0:13:52 | 0:13:56 | |
-What about this evening? Would you like... -Ah! | 0:13:56 | 0:13:59 | |
-Ah! -Well, I'm supposed to go to some awful golf club thing. | 0:13:59 | 0:14:02 | |
Oh, goodness! Oh, that, yes. Mother is going to that. Catch me at that! | 0:14:02 | 0:14:06 | |
-Ha ha! -Well, I thought I might give it a whirl. -Well, I suppose so. | 0:14:06 | 0:14:10 | |
Chacun a son thingybob! | 0:14:10 | 0:14:12 | |
-Shall we step over road to the pub and have a little... -Well, er... | 0:14:12 | 0:14:15 | |
-In half an hour? -Excellent, excellent! | 0:14:15 | 0:14:17 | |
Couldn't be better. Couldn't be better. Ha ha! | 0:14:17 | 0:14:19 | |
I've got quite a bit of liaising to do here, you know. | 0:14:19 | 0:14:22 | |
Have you ever seen the back and of a horse sweep up after itself? | 0:14:22 | 0:14:25 | |
SHE LAUGHS | 0:14:25 | 0:14:27 | |
-See you later, poppet. Mwah! -Yeah, see you...see you, poppet. | 0:14:27 | 0:14:31 | |
# Girls were made to love and kiss | 0:14:31 | 0:14:34 | |
# And who am I to interfere with this? Tra-la... # | 0:14:34 | 0:14:38 | |
Hello? Oh! Hello?! | 0:14:39 | 0:14:42 | |
Somebody turn the lights out? | 0:14:42 | 0:14:44 | |
BUCKET CRASHES | 0:14:44 | 0:14:45 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:45 | 0:14:47 | |
# The girl that I marry will have to be as sweet as... # | 0:14:50 | 0:14:54 | |
-You've been a long time. It's flat. -Ah! I'll get a round, Frank. | 0:14:54 | 0:14:58 | |
As matter of fact, I DO get around! Ha ha! | 0:14:58 | 0:15:01 | |
# The girl that I marry will have to... # | 0:15:01 | 0:15:04 | |
Evening, Jean! Good evening! | 0:15:04 | 0:15:06 | |
-Wonderful day! -It's raining. -Wonderful rain! Ha ha! | 0:15:06 | 0:15:10 | |
Unlucky in weather, lucky in love. | 0:15:10 | 0:15:12 | |
# The girl that I marry will have to be...# | 0:15:12 | 0:15:14 | |
Two pints, please, Jean, thank you very much. | 0:15:14 | 0:15:16 | |
She loves me, she loves me not. She... Oh! | 0:15:16 | 0:15:19 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:19 | 0:15:21 | |
Ha ha! I'm sorry about that. Just... Just hang on. | 0:15:21 | 0:15:26 | |
-Heads or tails? Heads it is - she loves me. -It's in my drink! | 0:15:26 | 0:15:30 | |
Don't worry, I will get you a fresh glass. | 0:15:30 | 0:15:33 | |
HE HUMS CHEERFULLY | 0:15:33 | 0:15:35 | |
-It's still got a coin in it! -I will drink it! | 0:15:39 | 0:15:41 | |
Ahhh! | 0:15:45 | 0:15:47 | |
There we are. Clean as a whistle. | 0:15:47 | 0:15:49 | |
50p, have one on me. | 0:15:49 | 0:15:50 | |
# The girl that I marry will have to...# | 0:15:50 | 0:15:52 | |
Thank you very much, Jean. £1.10, there we are. | 0:15:52 | 0:15:55 | |
# ..Have to be as la-la-la... # | 0:15:55 | 0:15:58 | |
-Gin and tonic, please. -60p. | 0:15:58 | 0:16:01 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:01 | 0:16:03 | |
Drinking pints now, are we? | 0:16:03 | 0:16:06 | |
Don't tell me, I know the signs. | 0:16:06 | 0:16:08 | |
-Something female smiled at you, eh? -Ha ha! | 0:16:08 | 0:16:11 | |
Which of the Ugly Sisters was it? | 0:16:11 | 0:16:14 | |
Frank, I want you to know, this time I have landed the big one. | 0:16:14 | 0:16:18 | |
Not the Wicked Stepmother?! | 0:16:18 | 0:16:20 | |
No, no. Vanessa? Do you know Vanessa? Used to be with Zac. | 0:16:20 | 0:16:24 | |
Now pretty heavily into me. | 0:16:24 | 0:16:26 | |
Vanessa? | 0:16:27 | 0:16:29 | |
-Short blond hair, blue eyes? -That's the one. -Oh, for heaven's sake! | 0:16:29 | 0:16:33 | |
Do you know what that was at the bar? | 0:16:33 | 0:16:36 | |
-Who? -Tiny Heseltine. -Well? -Well, that's her bloke, you twit! | 0:16:36 | 0:16:40 | |
Was, Frank, was! Then she was with Zac. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:43 | |
Now she's heavily into me, I told you. | 0:16:43 | 0:16:45 | |
Hm, well, she may play the odd away match but Tiny is her regular. | 0:16:45 | 0:16:50 | |
You remember Chris Stubbins? | 0:16:50 | 0:16:52 | |
Last week, in this very bar, he just smiled at Vanessa - | 0:16:52 | 0:16:56 | |
just smiled - Tiny took him outside and kneed him in the groin. | 0:16:56 | 0:17:00 | |
Tsk! | 0:17:00 | 0:17:01 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:01 | 0:17:02 | |
That's why he's not playing Captain Hook this year, then. | 0:17:05 | 0:17:09 | |
Captain Hook? He can barely manage Tinkerbell. | 0:17:09 | 0:17:12 | |
She told me... She told me she was sick of all this macho stuff. | 0:17:12 | 0:17:15 | |
Well, HE'S not! She goes around smiling at people, | 0:17:15 | 0:17:19 | |
-she doesn't know Tiny crunches them afterwards. -Oooh! | 0:17:19 | 0:17:21 | |
I think I'd better get back to sweeping up. | 0:17:21 | 0:17:24 | |
Yeah, don't stay around here | 0:17:24 | 0:17:25 | |
or you're never play the back legs of a horse again! | 0:17:25 | 0:17:27 | |
-Oh, gosh! -Tim! | 0:17:27 | 0:17:29 | |
-Hello, Tiny. -Who's Tim? -A friend. | 0:17:30 | 0:17:34 | |
Gin and tonic, please. | 0:17:34 | 0:17:36 | |
-Hello, Frank. -Oh, hello, Vanessa. | 0:17:36 | 0:17:39 | |
-Where's Tim gone? -Um... Oh, he had to go. | 0:17:39 | 0:17:43 | |
Called away. | 0:17:43 | 0:17:45 | |
Well, he was here a second ago. | 0:17:45 | 0:17:47 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:51 | 0:17:52 | |
Feet! | 0:17:54 | 0:17:55 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:59 | 0:18:00 | |
Ha ha ha ha! | 0:18:03 | 0:18:04 | |
Tim! | 0:18:04 | 0:18:06 | |
-Ha ha! -What are you doing? | 0:18:06 | 0:18:08 | |
# I'm so happy it's alarming... # | 0:18:08 | 0:18:09 | |
I was rehearsing the song, to be honest. Ha ha! | 0:18:09 | 0:18:12 | |
But the back legs of a horse don't sing anything. | 0:18:12 | 0:18:14 | |
I was also looking after this very important prop, the umbrella. | 0:18:14 | 0:18:17 | |
-What for? -Well, you see, when Cinderella is at the ball, | 0:18:17 | 0:18:20 | |
I have to look after the coats. | 0:18:20 | 0:18:21 | |
Ha ha! I'm a footman, really. | 0:18:21 | 0:18:23 | |
A five-footman! Ha ha! | 0:18:23 | 0:18:25 | |
This is Tiny. Tiny, Tim. | 0:18:29 | 0:18:31 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:18:31 | 0:18:33 | |
God bless us every one! Ha ha ha ha! | 0:18:36 | 0:18:38 | |
There we are... Let me make some room for you... | 0:18:38 | 0:18:40 | |
GLASS FALLS OVER Oh, dear! | 0:18:40 | 0:18:42 | |
Sorry! Oh, dear! Mustn't spill anything over the knee. | 0:18:42 | 0:18:45 | |
Not the famous knee! Ha ha! | 0:18:45 | 0:18:48 | |
Ha ha... | 0:18:48 | 0:18:50 | |
Plenty more Tinkerbells where THAT came from! Ha ha! | 0:18:50 | 0:18:53 | |
What?! | 0:18:53 | 0:18:54 | |
-What are you on about? -Do you know this bloke? -No, we don't. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:58 | |
No, no, no. She doesn't, nor do I. | 0:18:58 | 0:19:00 | |
-You messed up my drink. -Me? Are you sure it was me? | 0:19:01 | 0:19:04 | |
It was some other fellow. There's somebody comes in very like me. | 0:19:04 | 0:19:06 | |
Confuses us all, doesn't he? I'll see... | 0:19:06 | 0:19:08 | |
No, he's not here at the moment, but I know who you mean. | 0:19:08 | 0:19:11 | |
I know exactly who you mean. | 0:19:11 | 0:19:12 | |
Yes, I know who you mean. It is he that admires Vanessa. | 0:19:12 | 0:19:15 | |
Is something going on between you and him? | 0:19:15 | 0:19:18 | |
SQUEAKY: Oh, good heavens, no! | 0:19:18 | 0:19:19 | |
Oh, sorry, my voice has gone again. Ha ha! | 0:19:19 | 0:19:21 | |
-I love the way you do that. -It wasn't that this time. It wasn't... | 0:19:21 | 0:19:25 | |
No, no... Going on? Good heavens, no! | 0:19:25 | 0:19:26 | |
The only thing going on at this table is between Frank and myself. | 0:19:26 | 0:19:29 | |
-What?! Get off! -He's so coy! He's so coy when he's out. Ha ha! | 0:19:29 | 0:19:33 | |
-There's something going on between you and her! -No, no. No! | 0:19:33 | 0:19:37 | |
-She's not my type. Not remotely. Ha ha! Good heavens, no. Yuck! -What?! | 0:19:37 | 0:19:41 | |
-Are you insulting my bird? -No, no! I think she's very, very nice. | 0:19:41 | 0:19:44 | |
Oh! Very, very nice?! | 0:19:44 | 0:19:46 | |
No, not that nice - you added a "very". Ha ha! | 0:19:46 | 0:19:48 | |
I do think she is nice, though not attractive to me. And vice versa. | 0:19:48 | 0:19:51 | |
And to be absolutely honest, I'm a little bit vice versa myself. | 0:19:51 | 0:19:54 | |
I mean, not entirely, but just enough to be on the fence, you know. | 0:19:54 | 0:19:57 | |
Totally out of the running, but there we are. | 0:19:57 | 0:19:59 | |
Well, I must be off, Tinkerbell. Oh, sorry, kiss it better. Ha ha! | 0:19:59 | 0:20:03 | |
To be honest, Tiny, the only person I really fancy round here is you. | 0:20:03 | 0:20:06 | |
-What?! -In the nicest possible way, of course - platonically. From afar. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:10 | |
Well, as far as possible, in fact! Ha ha! | 0:20:10 | 0:20:12 | |
Good heavens, is that the time? It's quarter past Tinkerbell. | 0:20:12 | 0:20:16 | |
I must be off. I'm on a sponsored mince. | 0:20:16 | 0:20:19 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:20:19 | 0:20:20 | |
Oi! Come back! | 0:20:42 | 0:20:44 | |
You said it was valuable! | 0:20:46 | 0:20:48 | |
DOOR CLOSES | 0:20:59 | 0:21:01 | |
Hhhrrrmmmmph! | 0:21:01 | 0:21:03 | |
-Ah, there it is! -HE CHUCKLES | 0:21:07 | 0:21:10 | |
Mother sent me all the way back for this. Pity you're not there. | 0:21:10 | 0:21:14 | |
Don't usually care for the golf club do. It's quite something this year. | 0:21:14 | 0:21:19 | |
-Anyway, see you later. -Yes. HE CHUCKLES | 0:21:19 | 0:21:23 | |
Chilly night... | 0:21:23 | 0:21:25 | |
Nothing you want, I suppose? Everything all right? | 0:21:25 | 0:21:28 | |
-Yes, yes, fine, Father. -Better get back, then, I suppose. | 0:21:28 | 0:21:31 | |
-Er, Tim? -Yes, Father? | 0:21:33 | 0:21:35 | |
Everything ticketyboo? | 0:21:35 | 0:21:39 | |
Yes, Father! Well, you know, tickety! Ha ha! | 0:21:39 | 0:21:43 | |
-Perhaps not totally boo! -Ha ha! Thought not. Missed your tea! | 0:21:43 | 0:21:47 | |
-Sorry, Father? -Not good enough, Timothy. | 0:21:47 | 0:21:50 | |
HE MUMBLES Sorry... | 0:21:50 | 0:21:52 | |
TIM LAUGHS NERVOUSLY | 0:21:52 | 0:21:54 | |
Are you in trouble? Some sort of... With a... | 0:21:54 | 0:21:58 | |
With a sort... | 0:22:00 | 0:22:01 | |
Sorry? With a what? With a girl? | 0:22:01 | 0:22:05 | |
Spotted it! Spotted it at once. | 0:22:05 | 0:22:08 | |
If you ever are in trouble with that sort of thing, | 0:22:08 | 0:22:10 | |
-you know where to come. -Thank you, Father. | 0:22:10 | 0:22:12 | |
Straight to your mother. | 0:22:12 | 0:22:14 | |
Do you remember... | 0:22:14 | 0:22:16 | |
You remember all these years ago when you took me aside | 0:22:16 | 0:22:19 | |
and told me all about the, um... All about the... | 0:22:19 | 0:22:22 | |
-Sex? -No, no. No, no, the other thing. -Oh, tipping? | 0:22:22 | 0:22:26 | |
No! No! No, not tipping. | 0:22:26 | 0:22:30 | |
No, life! | 0:22:30 | 0:22:31 | |
Life in general. Do you remember you... | 0:22:31 | 0:22:34 | |
You never, ever mentioned the eternal triangle, you know. | 0:22:34 | 0:22:38 | |
You never mentioned one girl and two fellas. | 0:22:38 | 0:22:42 | |
-Ah! And you're one of the fellas? -Right! | 0:22:42 | 0:22:45 | |
THEY CHUCKLE Well, I'm not the girl! | 0:22:45 | 0:22:48 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:22:48 | 0:22:49 | |
Well...I'm ashamed of myself. | 0:22:49 | 0:22:52 | |
Because... the other fella turned up... | 0:22:52 | 0:22:56 | |
-..and I ran away. -Only the brave deserve the fair, Timmy. | 0:22:57 | 0:23:02 | |
Yes, but the brave are bigger than me! | 0:23:02 | 0:23:04 | |
You remember at school all those years ago, | 0:23:04 | 0:23:06 | |
do you remember Titch Thomas? | 0:23:06 | 0:23:09 | |
Do you remember Titch Thomas? | 0:23:09 | 0:23:10 | |
Drew all over me with his biro. | 0:23:10 | 0:23:13 | |
But that was years ago! | 0:23:13 | 0:23:15 | |
-You were in the sixth form. -Right! | 0:23:15 | 0:23:17 | |
And he was in the first form. Do you remember that? | 0:23:17 | 0:23:20 | |
-Got to stand up for yourself, Timothy. -What, and get knocked down? | 0:23:20 | 0:23:23 | |
Well, getting knocked down is not such a bad idea. | 0:23:23 | 0:23:26 | |
-Can be turned to advantage. -Really? How? | 0:23:26 | 0:23:29 | |
-Did I ever tell you about Major Purefoy? -No. | 0:23:29 | 0:23:32 | |
Very big family, the Purefoys. His sister was enormous. | 0:23:32 | 0:23:36 | |
-Purefoy took rather a shine to your mother. -Really?! | 0:23:36 | 0:23:40 | |
And so did I! Well, it stands to reason. | 0:23:40 | 0:23:43 | |
So I went to Purefoy and I said, "Look here, it's either you or me." | 0:23:43 | 0:23:47 | |
Purefoy said, "That's right, Lumsden, | 0:23:47 | 0:23:49 | |
-"what are you going to do about it?" -And you said, "Let's fight for it." | 0:23:49 | 0:23:52 | |
No, I said, "Let's spin a coin." | 0:23:52 | 0:23:55 | |
-B-But don't tell your mother! -Goodness me! | 0:23:55 | 0:23:58 | |
-You tossed for mother and you lost? Goodness! -Timmy! | 0:23:58 | 0:24:01 | |
Well, I... Sorry, Father, sorry. | 0:24:01 | 0:24:04 | |
Well, if I had lost, Purefoy would have married your mother, | 0:24:04 | 0:24:07 | |
you'd be six-foot tall with a ginger beard and dodgy teeth. | 0:24:07 | 0:24:11 | |
No, I won. | 0:24:11 | 0:24:13 | |
-That wasn't good enough for Purefoy. He came at me with a brick. -Oh! | 0:24:13 | 0:24:16 | |
-That was his big mistake! -Ha ha! You let him have what for! | 0:24:16 | 0:24:20 | |
-No, he practically killed me! -Ha ha ha! | 0:24:20 | 0:24:24 | |
But there's one thing that a woman can never resist. | 0:24:24 | 0:24:27 | |
That's a man who's been beaten to a pulp. | 0:24:27 | 0:24:30 | |
And pretty soon it was wedding bells for me and my pretty nurse. | 0:24:30 | 0:24:34 | |
-Pretty nurse? Who was that? -Your mother, of course! | 0:24:34 | 0:24:37 | |
-Sorry. -Never back off, Timothy, when there's a chance of being flattened. | 0:24:37 | 0:24:42 | |
Goodness me! What, you mean you get thumped and you get the girl? | 0:24:42 | 0:24:47 | |
Hole-in-one. | 0:24:47 | 0:24:49 | |
-You lose and you win! -Lose the battle, win the war! -Oh! | 0:24:49 | 0:24:54 | |
Well, I'm going to get knocked about, then. | 0:24:54 | 0:24:56 | |
No more running away. I'm going to face the music. | 0:24:56 | 0:24:59 | |
I'm going to go straight up to this fella and I'm going to say, | 0:24:59 | 0:25:02 | |
"Hey, there, Tiny, get your hands off the woman I love, chummy..." | 0:25:02 | 0:25:07 | |
Ha ha! And he'll spread me right up the wall! | 0:25:07 | 0:25:10 | |
THEY LAUGH | 0:25:10 | 0:25:12 | |
I'll go and get my dinner jacket. Ha ha! I can't wait! | 0:25:15 | 0:25:19 | |
THEY LAUGH | 0:25:19 | 0:25:21 | |
DANCE BAND PLAYS | 0:25:23 | 0:25:26 | |
-Excuse me. -It's not an excuse me. | 0:25:28 | 0:25:30 | |
No, I don't mean excuse me, I want to dance, I mean excuse me, | 0:25:30 | 0:25:33 | |
you're not a person that I like. | 0:25:33 | 0:25:35 | |
-So what? -I'm being serious! | 0:25:35 | 0:25:37 | |
-Shove off! -Go away, Timothy. -Sorry. | 0:25:37 | 0:25:40 | |
Excuse me, I've got a job to do here. | 0:25:40 | 0:25:42 | |
-Tiny, please note, I am smiling at Vanessa. -Will you get out of here? | 0:25:42 | 0:25:47 | |
Keep your voice down! You don't want to upset the committee. | 0:25:47 | 0:25:49 | |
And please take your hands off the woman I love. | 0:25:49 | 0:25:53 | |
-I'm going to sort him out. -Ah, good! | 0:25:53 | 0:25:55 | |
We finally got it through his thick skull. | 0:25:55 | 0:25:57 | |
Come on, then, let's have you! | 0:25:57 | 0:25:58 | |
-We'll go in there. -Timothy, what do you think you're doing? | 0:25:58 | 0:26:01 | |
-I know what I'm doing. Please, this way, thank you. -Stay here. | 0:26:01 | 0:26:04 | |
-You can come in a minute, it'll all be over by then. -Yes, it will. | 0:26:04 | 0:26:07 | |
Tiny...don't hurt him. | 0:26:07 | 0:26:11 | |
-This'll do. -Right, where would you...where would you like me? | 0:26:11 | 0:26:14 | |
Take my jacket off. Oh, no, mothballs! Ha ha! | 0:26:14 | 0:26:17 | |
Right... | 0:26:17 | 0:26:18 | |
Well, what are you going to... You know... | 0:26:18 | 0:26:21 | |
-Which side do you want, my right or... -What is all this? | 0:26:21 | 0:26:24 | |
Am I giving you a going over or are you posing for pictures? | 0:26:24 | 0:26:27 | |
-Come on, come on! -Timothy? What's going on? | 0:26:27 | 0:26:29 | |
Oh, Mother, please keep out of this! This is private business. | 0:26:29 | 0:26:32 | |
-There's going to be a rumble! -Well, you should chew your food properly! | 0:26:32 | 0:26:36 | |
-LAUGHTER -Your hair! -Please leave me alone! | 0:26:36 | 0:26:38 | |
-You'd better leave, he's not going to be a pretty sight. -What? | 0:26:38 | 0:26:41 | |
-We should let them get on. Man's business. -Be quiet, Sidney! | 0:26:41 | 0:26:44 | |
Oh, fair enough. | 0:26:44 | 0:26:45 | |
-Well, get rid of this lot, then. -No-one's getting rid of ME! | 0:26:45 | 0:26:48 | |
Mother, please go! | 0:26:48 | 0:26:50 | |
Well, if you will not go, there's nothing else for it but... | 0:26:50 | 0:26:54 | |
-You see that delicious buffet over there? -Yes. | 0:26:54 | 0:26:57 | |
I'm going to chuck you right into the middle of it! | 0:26:57 | 0:26:59 | |
Wonderful! Excellent! | 0:26:59 | 0:27:00 | |
-You'll do no such thing! -Mother, please keep out of this! | 0:27:00 | 0:27:03 | |
-I know what I'm doing. -Don't answer back! -I didn't! -Language, Timothy! | 0:27:03 | 0:27:06 | |
One, two, three! | 0:27:06 | 0:27:08 | |
Tim? | 0:27:11 | 0:27:12 | |
-Tim, are you all right? -No, not very. -Tiny! | 0:27:12 | 0:27:15 | |
Oh, what have you done to him, you brute? | 0:27:15 | 0:27:18 | |
It wasn't me! | 0:27:18 | 0:27:21 | |
I didn't do it! It was Mother! | 0:27:21 | 0:27:23 | |
-Oh... -Not too good, Timothy. You're supposed to be the one on the floor. | 0:27:23 | 0:27:27 | |
I know! I know! I know! | 0:27:27 | 0:27:30 | |
Mother, you've ruined my whole life again. | 0:27:30 | 0:27:34 | |
-You bully! You horrible bully! -No, I'm not! Please! | 0:27:34 | 0:27:37 | |
-Ooh! -Don't be such a coward! -Well, it hurt, Mother! | 0:27:40 | 0:27:46 | |
Well, if you will throw yourself | 0:27:46 | 0:27:48 | |
onto a whole forest of sausages on sticks. | 0:27:48 | 0:27:51 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:27:51 | 0:27:52 | |
I didn't throw myself, Mother. | 0:27:52 | 0:27:54 | |
-Ohh! -Why you run after that type of girl I shall never understand. | 0:27:54 | 0:27:59 | |
I don't suppose she's got anything put aside. | 0:27:59 | 0:28:02 | |
She certainly hasn't spent much on underwear! | 0:28:02 | 0:28:06 | |
No, Mother. HE WINCES | 0:28:06 | 0:28:08 | |
Uncle Biffo took that dinner jacket round India twice | 0:28:08 | 0:28:12 | |
and HE never got it covered in trifle. | 0:28:12 | 0:28:15 | |
-Buttons, that's what I am, Mother. -What? -Buttons. | 0:28:15 | 0:28:19 | |
I thought I was Cinderella but I turned out to be Buttons. | 0:28:19 | 0:28:21 | |
-Or even the pumpkin. -Tsk! Don't be so silly. | 0:28:21 | 0:28:25 | |
Oh, Timmy, there you are. | 0:28:25 | 0:28:27 | |
-It worked, then? -Sorry, Father? -Getting flattened. | 0:28:27 | 0:28:30 | |
Your mother's all over you, just like she was with me. | 0:28:30 | 0:28:33 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:28:33 | 0:28:34 | |
Thank you, Father. HE WINCES | 0:28:36 | 0:28:38 |