Bachelor Seeks Anywhere Sorry!

Oh, right.

HE SIGHS

What sort of time do you call this?

The usual time, Mother.

Tell me, is there some religious reason why there is

absolutely no breakfast this morning?

Is today the day we are not allowed Coco Pops until sunset?

-Ooh, aren't we being sarky?

-Well...

-It is a very special breakfast this morning.

-Oh, good, good.

-What is it to be?

-Well, you remember we had that bridge party last night?

-Yes.

-Well, there are some very nice leftovers.

Mother, I can't go out to a hard day's work at the library on some

limp cheese straws and half a rook's nest of Twiglets!

Don't be ungrateful.

These Scotch eggs have hardly been touched.

You know I can't stand Scotch eggs, Mother. Not even first-hand.

They are like oven-ready hedgehogs, these are.

In the war we ate everything up.

Gallant men in ships brought our food then.

Not convoys of Scotch eggs, surely.

Look at this!

Drove it right through, second one in 20 years.

Well, you can take the dirty thing right out again.

-I just thought you would like to see.

-Oh, fascinating! Take it away.

-Morning, Father.

-What?

-I said good morning. You didn't mind, did you?

-Mind your language.

-Oh, sorry, Father.

I don't know why he doesn't take it down the garage, let them do it.

We are not made of money, Timothy.

Not something you would appreciate, of course.

You seem to think Twiglets grow on trees.

Speaking of money, I was having a word with the Ketleys last night

when I was dummy. Now, their son Stanley, who is half your age...

Mind you, he does have a better job.

I admit it, Mother, I am a librarian.

But I have said I'm sorry.

Now, Stanley pays his mother £40 a week for his room.

What?!

And we thought, Mrs Ketley and I, that you should pay the same.

£40 a week, Mother? That's a 300% increase.

You do get full board.

Full board? You call 23 Twiglets on a paper plate full board?

£40 a week? I would have a butler and a penthouse for that.

I don't expect gratitude.

Have you got a nice clean vest and pants on, by the way?

No, Mother.

I am not planning to be run over today. No, I haven't.

-Is there a name tag on that tie?

-No, Mother, I don't want one, either.

When I was at school, you used to put name tapes on my tennis balls.

Well, you wouldn't get that sort of attention from a butler.

I don't want that sort of attention, Mother.

I want peace and tranquillity, preferably on a desert island.

Oh, Timothy, we could be very happy on a desert island.

We, Mother? We? I don't want you there,

following me everywhere with calamine lotion.

Well, you never will wear your sun hat.

Mother, I put my sun hat down the lavatory in Broadstairs 14 years ago.

-What?!

-Yes, you know that.

Well, don't think I'm buying you another.

You seem to have no idea of money.

You think £10 a week for your room is enough?

It doesn't keep your father in paper hankies.

-What are you doing with that?

-This olive, Mother, is second-hand.

Somebody has had the stuffing out of it.

You can see right through it.

Other people, Mother, are eating normal breakfasts.

The streets are full of people, you know, all warm and cosy,

surrounded with glowing halos.

They smile, they don't get wet.

I'm wet and miserable because you give me this stuff!

-Rubbish!

-The very word for it, Mother, the very word.

And you expect £40 a week for this? Excuse me, Mother.

When you had scarlet fever, I held you in my arms

and you looked up into my eyes and you said, "Thank you, Mummy,"

and I shall always remember that moment

because it was the last time you ever said "thank you"!

RAISED VOICE: Thank you, Mother!

There's no need to shout.

-Thank you, Mother, you have helped me make up my mind.

-Oh, good.

-Yes.

Will you stop my copy of the Daily Mirror?

And I shall have my mail redirected.

Will you cancel my daily pint of Gold Top? Thank you.

Goodbye, Mother.

Cancel his milk?

I don't think I will.

His wisdom teeth aren't through yet.

Hello? Hello! Hello, hello.

My name is Lumsden and I...

Lumsden, yes.

And I am a bright young executive and I was...

And I have in front of me a copy of the Evening Echo, last night's

Evening Echo and I am looking at the advertisement for a bedsit. Yes.

Well, I would be wanting full board with no Scotch eggs.

I was wondering if we...

No, sorry, no. No, I DON'T like Scotch eggs.

Sorry, I thought I made that clear. But...

But I do like Coco Pops.

Yes. Now, I was wondering what that would come...

£55 a week?! Goodness me.

Perhaps I can call you later when we can discuss daylight robbery.

Thank you very much.

£55 a week?

I can get five wives and a goat in Tonga for that!

-Go to Tonga, then.

-Mm.

-That's the 13th that has been too much for you.

You are totally out of touch with the market.

I'm not at all, it's just the prices.

I mean, look at this one here now. Look. Bachelor flat, £60 a week.

Bachelor flat? They are like gold in this vicinity, Timothy.

I have been looking for months.

Well, you haven't got the Lumsden luck, have you?

It's just a question of what you... Sorry, madam. Oh, Miss, sorry.

Were you wanting the avening peper... the evening paper? Thank you.

Now, let us see. The Woodworker's Gazette.

I wonder if they advertise accommodation in here?

Well, if you are thinking of a bird box.

I shall ignore that, Mr Gooch, I shall ignore that. I...

Ah, The Jewish Chronicle.

No trouble with Scotch eggs there!

Well, it's a start, isn't it? It is a...

A MAN HUMS A TUNE

What's that noise?

Is it the pipes or something? What is it?

I rather think it is somebody singing.

Will you go and ask him to stop, please?

No, no, no, you are in charge, as you

so rightly point out every three minutes.

-There is a man here singing.

-Yes, we know, thank you.

The matter has been dealt with.

What do you mean, the matter has been dealt with?

I mean, perhaps he might stop.

HUMMING STOPS

There you are, see? Stopped.

Would you care to sit down? Thank you very much.

-Oh, you've got the magic touch.

-Well...

LOUD SINGING

How do you do it(?)

The gentleman has a perfect right to be in here in the warm.

He did this last week. Miss Peabody threw him out.

I am not Miss Peabody.

-Can you please take some action at once?

-Yes.

Will you leave it to me, please? Everything is under control.

Keep quite calm, thank you very much.

HE CONTINUES TO SING

HE SINGS IN OWN LANGUAGE

Hello. Hello.

Hello.

I am the librarian here. Can I help you at all in some way?

Help? With what help?

Well, I mean, you know, books, references, periodicals or...?

No, no, no books.

Kaput, kaput!

Me, I sing.

Yes, yes, but I'm afraid this is not a singing library.

MAN LAUGHS

No, it is NOT a singing library.

Yes, no, I think you are going to be a lot warmer

in our Hacketts Lane branch.

Why don't you throw him out?

Well, that's one way of looking at it, I suppose.

I must tell you that as the librarian here, as the head librarian,

I have...

I have vested in me the power to ask you, most politely,

to leave the library.

Not if you don't want to, of course.

You see, I...

You see, I must tell you that I think you are going to be a lot

happier in the gramophone section.

I mean, Miss Webberley in the gramophone section

will accommodate you. She is...

She is...

She is an absolute...

Miss Webberley is an absolute authority on European folk music.

Sorry...

HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

Throw him out!

Look, the matter is in hand.

I must tell you that Mr Gooch, my assistant behind the counter,

-is an expert in judo.

-Mm-hmm.

-Yes.

He is a fifth dan and he is going to be

a five and a half dan any moment.

HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

-Well, perhaps I am exaggerating.

-Te tragia!

Well, I know, I know! I feel the same, te tragia.

-You bad man!

-No, no, no.

How about two quid?

£2 just to... £2.

Five good.

Five?

All right, I'll split the difference with you.

£5.

-Thank you.

-You good man!

-We meet again, huh?

-Ah, lovely.

-Many times.

HE SINGS

That's all clear. Everybody carry on, then.

Shh!

Have you got everything? Well, I can see you have everything.

-You have more than everything.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

I hope you are not entertaining lustful

thoughts about the female readership, Timothy.

-Shut up, Victor.

-What's this?

-Oh, interesting, most interesting.

-Yes, what is that?

-Oh, nothing.

Just a piece of paper at the lovely lady reader left behind with

-certain information.

-Uh-huh. Could I have it, please?

-No.

Come on, Victor, as head librarian...

-Jawohl, mein Fuhrer.

-Yes.

Wanted - third person to share pleasant garden flat with two girls.

Sense of humour, either sex, £30 per week.

It is fate.

I have got a sense of humour and I am either sex.

-It's unbelievable!

-Shh!

-Oh, be quiet!

No phone number. No phone number, she's not put a phone number.

Wait a minute, she was looking at the Evening Echo, wasn't she?

Perhaps she was going to put an advertisement in the Evening Echo.

If I charge down there, follow her to the office,

we might... In King Street. I might be able to catch up with her.

Victor, I'm just leaving the premises for a moment.

Will you, while I'm away, assume control?

Anything happens untoward or violence of any sort,

-do what I would do.

-Get Miss Peabody?

Please, please.

And if anybody asks, say I have gone to take my destiny in both hands.

There's no answer to that.

-Shut up!

-Shh!

Ha! Even more interesting.

Victor, this is your lucky day.

# I belong to Glasgow

# Dear old Glasgow town. #

Can I help you?

I hear if you sing a song in here there's a wee fella gives you

five quid.

HE MOUTHS

-Sorry.

-That's all right, sir.

So I held the card up against the window, she read it

and got the message and she will be ringing tonight at six o'clock.

-You should have done all this 20 years ago.

-Oh, I know, I know.

Don't kick a man when he's up.

Two girls, eh? A menage a trois.

Well, two and a half, anyway.

Oh, I think I took too much.

Do you fancy this Scotch egg?

-No, thank you, Frank.

-Well, I haven't touched it.

No, it reminds me of Mother.

Yeah, I see what you mean.

Ah...

I should probably have to buy a sort of lounging gown,

you know, a kaftan...

..for lounging in the lounge with the girls.

I expect we will all be in the lounge, lounging...

together.

When can I come round?

Do you mind?

Fair's fair, Frank, finders keepers.

All I will say is that when I can't manage -

WHEN I can't manage - you will be the first on the list.

Right.

Well, eat up. You are going to need your strength, Tiger Tim.

Tiger Tim.

There is just the one thing that sort of worries me, you know.

-You are tall enough!

-I know I am tall enough, I know I'm tall enough.

Why did you bring that up? I know I'm tall enough!

I know that, I know that, it's just that...

I... It's just...

Funny thing to say, that was, Frank. It's just...

-It's just that I might be too old. 41.

-Oh...

No, 41, I mean, these two girls wouldn't be 41 added together.

Age doesn't matter, Tim. It all depends on experience.

Oh, experience, I've got plenty of that.

-No, you haven't.

-No, I haven't.

I don't know why I said that, I don't know why I said that.

I was talking about their experience.

They are only 20, you know.

These days, they will have enough to go round and some over.

Oh, well, that's all right, then.

-Come on, let's celebrate.

-Yes.

-Another half a shandy?

-Yes.

And a bag of crisps.

Oh, building yourself up, eh? You dirty devil.

Make them beef flavoured.

-Timothy?

-It's me!

Have you wiped your...?

I've wiped everything, Mother. You name it, I have wiped it.

-Have there been any phone calls?

-No, who are you expecting?

-Any minute now, six o'clock.

-What on earth are those?

-They are cushions, Mother.

-What are they for?

Well, you know, for a scattering, lounging together.

Well, I'm not lounging on those with my sciatica!

Not you, Mother.

Well, who else is there? Your father can't with his leg.

I will find somebody, Mother, don't you worry.

Six o'clock, Mother, I'm expecting a phone call.

Now, what would you like for your tea?

There are some sausages that are only just out of date

and there is still that sandwich spread on the sideboard.

Mother, try and keep the voice down.

-The phone is going to ring any moment.

-Yes, well, anyone knows that.

PHONE RINGS Ah, there we are, it is her.

Now, play it cool, crisp. Keep her waiting a bit.

Forbidden fruit, top of the tree, big banana.

-Are you...?

-Mother, don't you... Don't answer!

It's only Rachel, she always rings at six.

-Rachel who?

-Shh, Rachel Hornsby.

Who else would ring just when the cheap rates start?

Dreadful woman.

It might not be her. Hello, dear.

What?

Who?

-What? On a bus?

-Give it to me, Mother.

I don't know what you're talking about. Timothy, please.

-I'm afraid you have the wrong number.

-No, Mother, don't...!

What have you done that for?

Well, it was a silly man talking about the flat in a bus.

What's all this about a flat?

-Nothing, Mother.

-Oh, very mysterious.

Very well, you tell me nothing, I'll cook you nothing.

-Good.

-You can find your own tea.

-Thank you.

Whatever is happening on these cushions?

It's, erm, it's wrestling, Mother.

Hindu wrestling, you know.

But it is a man and a woman, isn't it?

That's a woman...

..and that, most certainly, is a man.

It's mixed wrestling, Mother.

Well, they certainly seem to be enjoying it.

Gracious!

Here is a man and a woman

and another woman!

She's the referee.

Then what is she doing here?

Blowing the whistle for half-time, Mother.

Timothy...

Take these out of my kitchen.

-I'll take them upstairs.

-No, not upstairs.

I won't have them in the house. Take them out into the garage.

And while you are there, give your father a hand.

I have got to stay by the phone.

He has been out there all day with that car and his leg.

All right, Mother, I shall go out on one condition,

that if the phone rings, please leave it for me to answer it, all right?

I don't want to know your silly business, I am only your Mother.

I only brought you into the world.

And it wasn't an easy birth, you were ten days late.

If I'd known what it was going to be like, Mother,

I wouldn't have come at all.

Damn modern cars!

Here we are, Father.

-Hands off, Timothy.

-You don't really want me, Father, do you?

-Yes, yes, I do. Hold this.

-Oh, right.

-What do you want me to do with it?

-Just hold it, dummy!

-I didn't know.

Don't let it touch anything, it'll all go up in smoke.

Is that the phone?

Damned horn won't work.

It is the phone!

First car I had...

..1931 Singer.

Two cylinder.

Used to take out a girl called Sicily.

We used to sing a song.

What was it?

Yes, yes, yes. Yes, Father. I mean, I'm sorry, no.

-Is that the phone?

-No, that wasn't it.

I remember on one occasion we went for a spin along Hog's Back.

Happiest days of my life.

Very funny, wasn't it?

-Yes.

-I told you before?

-What? No, go on, go on.

What the hell are you laughing at?

-I'm laughing at the story you told me.

-Story? What story?

The other day, about the, you know, the thing and the, erm, the thing.

-You remember you...

-I don't remember telling you that one.

Anyway, there we were and who should come along but your mother?

That was before she was your mother, of course.

-PHONE RINGS

-Well, and Sicily, she was in front...

Oh, you could see the...

-Argh!

-HORN HONKS

TIMOTHY!

Mother. Mother!

PHONE CONTINUES TO RING

Mother!

Mother, can you answer the phone, please?

You can't come in through there.

I know that, Mother, will you open the door, please?

If you tell me what it's all about then I'll let you in.

No, let me in first.

-All right.

-Right, Mother, thank you.

Mind that pedal bin, it's new.

-Listen, Mother, will you pick up the phone, please?

-Certainly not!

You told me not to.

-Look, get me out. Would you get me out?

-I say, the phone's going.

-I know.

-What are you doing down there?

-Would you get me out, Father, please?

-Mind my ears, my ears.

-Oh, let Mummy help.

My ears are stuck.

-The phone, Mother, pick it up!

-Language, Timothy.

Oh, shut up, Father. RINGING STOPS

Stopped.

They've gone. Would you believe it? They have gone.

-Mind the furniture, Timothy!

-I dusted that!

Everybody takes phone calls, the world takes phone calls. Why can't I?

PHONE RINGS Stop! Stand. Nobody move.

Don't you order me around!

-Hello?

-Hello!

-Shut up, Mother.

-Timothy!

-Shut up.

-The phone has broken!

-You did that on purpose.

-I didn't do it on purpose.

-You have to pay for it.

Father, I don't live here any more, I'm leaving.

-I'm going to live with some girls.

-Not those Indian women.

How can they phone me now? How can...? Oh, my God.

Did you see that?

He sat on his Twiglets!

Broke the chair.

I make him a lovely supper and he sits on it.

Mother, that's all it's good for.

APPLAUSE

And it wasn't very comfortable at that.

Get out of this house.

Now she tells me. Now she tells me!

When should I have told you?

Coronation year!

It's not the end of the world, Tim.

They'll never know what they missed, that's the tragedy.

I bought them cushions and everything.

Two cushions, you know, one each.

They'll be on the bonfire now.

-Don't burst into tears again.

-I won't.

To be honest, there was some drawings on these cushions

I couldn't understand at all.

-No-one knows it all, Tim.

-Yeah.

Too late to find out now, though, isn't it?

Last orders!

I'll get us two nice large ones because I want to be warm tonight.

-What do you mean?

-Well, I can't go home, I'm not going home, obviously.

I can't go, can I?

-You can't go walking about in the cold like Captain Oates.

-Well...

Them! Look! Them!

Oh, my God, Tim!

Right! They're fantastic.

It's fate, isn't it? Fate! I must go and chat to them.

I'll introduce you, I'll bring them over. Hiya!

Oh, what a pleasant surprise, our would-be Romeo.

Excuse me, Victor, I've just got to speak to some friends.

-Oh, not these lovely ladies, perchance?

-Excuse me, would you?

Venetia and Samantha?

My new flatmates, Timothy.

Why, you...

Samantha - or Sam, as I call her - was careless enough to

leave behind a second piece of paper with her phone number on it.

I gave her the proverbial tinkle and I'm now cosily ensconced,

thank you very much.

Perhaps you'd care to join us in a glass of Stella ArTROIS?

If you take my meaning.

Did I say something?

Where are you going?

I'm going outside. I might be gone some while.

HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

My friend!

Hello! You know me.

I sing.

HE SINGS IN OWN LANGUAGE

Oh...

You unhappy, huh? Yes?

Bad belly, huh?

I know all places get food.

All aristocratic dustbins.

Scotch egg!

I thank you. Where do we find Twiglets?

HE SINGS IN OWN LANGUAGE

THEY SING IN HIS LANGUAGE