Does Your Mother Know You're Out? Sorry!

KNOCKING ON WINDOW

Hello, Frank!

No. No. I'm going to the home-improvement centre.

The home-improvement centre! The... For the paint.

No, no, the cupboard under the stairs. The paint.

The home-improv... For Mother.

Mother!

No, no, not me. Mother! The cupb...

POP MUSIC ON RADIO

-WOMAN:

-What's your friend up to?

-FRANK CHUCKLES

-Who knows?

PHONE RINGS

Good morning. Reference library. Victor Gooch speaking.

Oh, Mrs Lumsden!

Well, no. I'm afraid your Timothy has not hitherto honoured us

with his presence, no.

Well, we live in hope!

HE LAUGHS

Yes, I will remind him, if I can find time.

I do seem to be doing Timothy's work, as well.

HE LAUGHS

Oh, dear! Does he?

Is he?! Has he really, Mrs Lu...

No! No, no, no, I think you're perfectly right to criticise.

Well, it's very nice swapping notes with a fellow sufferer again,

Mrs Lumsden. Goodbye.

VICTOR SIGHS

Who's the naughty boy who didn't make his bed this morning?

-What?

-Your mother rang.

-Oh, not already?

She says you didn't eat your porridge, either.

Be fair, she orders it by the tonne from Readymix.

I tried, you know, I did try.

I had to turn back at Camp Four.

Please, Timothy, I don't think it's very proper of you

to criticise your mother in front of me.

Well, I know, but it's just that I can't help...

She also said that you hadn't been this morning.

What, is nothing sacred?

No, I haven't "been", to be honest,

because when I wanted to "been", Father hadn't "been", either.

He was already in there, "beening".

Please, Timothy, spare me the details.

I would, I'd like to, but I've ruined the morning already.

I had to go to the wretched home-improvement shop to get

-some paint for her.

-Oh, yes!

Yes, she asked me to remind you to get the paint for tonight.

I got the paint. I got it, I got the paint.

Indian mushroom, right colour, everything.

-Oh!

-So I see.

You've marked the table.

Oh, dear. Wait a minute. There we are.

Indian mushroom hankie!

-Very David Hicks.

-Yes, I'm sure!

The only painting that's going on tonight, Victor,

is my painting the town, that's what.

Your mother seems to think otherwise, Timothy.

She says that tonight

you'll be decorating the cupboard under the stairs.

No, I won't!

I'm going to the cinema to see a revival of Gone With The Wind

starring Clark Gable, Vivien Leigh and, er...

Did I ever tell you that I was once mistaken for Clark Gable?

Mind you, there'd been a power cut.

Er, so tonight I shall be at the cinema with one of my women friends.

Oh, accompanied by an adult, eh?

-So the cupboard under the stairs will have to wait.

-I see.

What do you mean, "I see"? What do you mean by that?

Well, far be it from me to sound negative and somewhat crushing,

Timothy, but I have observed that if you want to do one thing

and your mother wants you to do another thing,

-you always end up doing precisely what she wants.

-Oh, not at all!

I do what I want, not what Mother wants. Exactly as I wish.

And what is more, I have a fiver in my pocket says this evening

I shall be going to see Gone With The Wind.

Oh, a wager, eh? You're on, old sport.

This'll be like taking candy off a baby.

PHONE RINGS

Mother, will you please leave me alone at my place of work?

Yes, I've got the paint, as required, and I...

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't, er...

Yes. Sorry, can I help you?

Yes. You want to know what?

The precise height of...

What? Of the Great Pyramid?

Yes, I th... Yes, that'll be fine. Yes.

Yes, I'm sorry about that earlier, only I, er...

I thought you were my mother...

sir. LAUGHS

Yes. I shall... I shall get the information required.

Yes, sir, I'll just pop through to the reference section.

Will you just hold on, please? I won't be two jiffies. Thank you.

-MOTHER:

-Who's that out there?

-Long John Silver.

Did you wipe your feet?

Foot, Mother, foot.

-Did you get the paint?

-Erm...

-Er, no. No.

-What?!

-No.

-I rang you.

-You said you'd got it.

-I know. I exaggerated.

You were fibbing! Why were you fibbing?

No, I wasn't fibbing, Mother. I'd been.

-You should have been this morning.

-No, not "been" been, I mean...

You know, I went to the shop for the Indian mushroom. They'd sold out.

-What?

-Yes. There's been panic buying.

You haven't been anywhere near the shop.

-Yes, I went this morning!

-You're fibbing again.

-I am not fibbing!

-I can always tell when you're fibbing.

-I am not!

-Look. Here it is.

-Oh. So you were fibbing.

No, I wasn't!

-I can always tell.

-I wasn't!

-Timothy!

-There. Now you've upset your father.

-Go in there and apologise properly.

-What for?

Oh!

-And take that silly thing off.

-That hurt, Mother! It hurt!

I will do.

Your father spent the whole morning cleaning the brushes for you.

And the turps has made him chesty.

-I'm sorry, Father.

-What?

-I'm sorry.

-Sorry? What for?

Well, anything at all. You take your pick. I'm just sorry.

-Are you taking the mickey?

-No.

-Have you wiped your feet?

-Yes, Father.

-Wiped your nose?

Not on the mat, no.

-Timothy?

-Yes?

-Stop showing off.

-I wasn't, Mother!

-Bolshy, Timothy.

Well, wait a minute. I have just come in here, I've done nothing wrong.

This house was peaceful and quiet until you came home, Timothy.

I'm sorry. You're quite right.

Two sedate senior citizens, quietly relaxing,

I came in, started throwing my weight about.

-It was unforgivable. I will withdraw.

-Where do you think you're going?

-I'm going out, Mother, to the cinema.

-You're doing no such thing.

-You're painting the cupboard under the stairs.

-I'm going to the cinema.

-Are you defying your mother, Timothy?

-Yes, Father.

Fair enough.

Be quiet, Sidney.

Now, Timothy, you know you don't like the cinema.

Mother, you always keep telling me I don't like things.

I do! I love the cinema. I love going out to the cinema.

I love going out anywhere. Away. Anywhere, please God, away.

Films frighten you.

Mother, all right, I know I hid under the seat at Snow White,

but that was 35 years ago.

They said you were too short for Emmanuelle.

They thought I was too YOUNG for Emmanuelle, Mother.

This is not an X certificate, this is Gone With The Wind.

-Gone With The Wind!

-Good Lord!

Went to that when you were just a twinkle in your mother's eye.

Not in front of the children, Sidney.

I'm not children, Mother. I'm not children, I'm a big boy now.

I've got an umbrella.

I've got a box of cuff links. American Express asked me to join.

-Gone With The Wind! Now, that was a real film.

-Eh?

Well...we'll all go.

-Oh, no, Mother...

-We haven't been anywhere for ages.

I took you to our production of Puss In Boots!

-That was quite dreadful.

-Oh, that's...!

Sidney, Timothy has asked us to go to the cinema.

-I haven't!

-I haven't seen a decent film since Dangerous Moonlight.

Well, don't just stand there, Timothy, go and comb your hair.

We don't want you letting us down.

Anton Walbrook played the piano. Warsaw Concerto!

HE SINGS OPERATICALLY

HE COUGHS

Be quiet, Sidney.

-Fair enough.

-Go and put something decent on.

You can paint the cupboard tomorrow.

-Oh, good. I AM pleased!

-What are you smirking at now?

Well, it's just, Mother, that I had a little bet at work with Victor,

-and it seems that I have just won myself

-£5. Well, good!

You can buy the tickets.

-Mother, please, no, it's not a...

-You buy the tickets...

-Yes...

-..and I'll promise you one thing.

-What's that?

Well, so that you won't get lost in the dark

when you come out of the big boys' lavatory...

..I promise to wave.

Mother, I'm 41. Do you know that?

Well, look what happened at The Wizard Of Oz.

You were trotting round the cinema whimpering for 20 minutes.

I don't know what they must have thought.

-They must have thought I was a munchkin.

-Language, Timothy!

Shut up, Father!

-Oh, fair enough.

-There we are.

MUZAK PLAYS

All right?

Here we are.

-Where should we sit?

-Well, shouldn't we wait for the usherette?

They don't have usherettes any more, Mother.

Well, they did last time, for The Sound Of Music.

That was 20 years ago!

Are you sure this is it? It's damn small.

No, they're all small nowadays.

They put three little ones where a big one used to be. It's the, er...

Hello, Norman! How are you?

I'm just taking the old folks out for a treat, you know?

-Some tea afterwards!

-Timothy!

Bit of trouble! LAUGHS

-Yes, Mother?

-You're not talking to people in cheaper seats, are you?

No, Mother, they're all the same price now.

Goodness me, you'll be asking me where the organ is next!

Where's the organ?

They don't have them any... Let's sit down.

No, that won't do at all. Your father must be on the end.

You know he can't bend his knee after four o'clock.

Oh, yes, yes. Can't stick it out. Not like the last time.

Ice cream lady fell over it. I had to eat 19 Neapolitan tubs.

-Then you were sick in the ladies!

-I didn't ask to go to the ladies,

Mother, you dragged me in there.

-Won't you lot sit down?!

-Timothy, ask that man to be quiet.

-No, he is quite right. Why don't we sit down?

-Oh, yes, take his part.

-Well, let's sit down, Mother.

-You can do what you like.

-I'm sitting in this row.

-I'll go in first.

Nonsense! You'll have to climb all over me when you want to do tinkies.

-"Tinkies", Mother?!

-Yes, tinkies!

Well, there's no need to tell the whole cinema about it, Mother.

Well, they all do tinkies, too. They're no different.

No, but they don't shout all over the cinema about it.

MUZAK FADES OUT

CARTOON MUSIC PLAYS

-Good. Comfortable seats. That's new!

-CHUCKLES

Don't fall asleep, Father, will you? Not like the last time.

You snored your way right through The Greatest Story Ever Told.

I don't want to miss Gaumont British News this time!

No, they don't have the Gaumont British News any more. No, look...

Be quiet, Timothy.

I'm telling Father all about the Gaumont...

-Shhh!

-Sorry, sorry.

-Every time we take you out...

YOU take ME out, Mother, you take me out?!

I paid for the tickets, don't forget! £4.50, all my winnings blowed.

-Shhh!

-Oh, shh.

-Don't you shush my son.

He's head of the reference library.

-Oh, please, Mother, please!

-Well, you are!

I know, I know, but just let's sit and watch the film!

-Hear, hear, you old bat!

-I heard that.

-Timothy, did you hear that?

-Yes, I heard that. "You old bat."

-What?! Sidney? Sidney!

-He's asleep, Mother, he's asleep.

Wake him up!

No, no, no, I'm not! I'm...

SIDNEY CHUCKLES

TIMOTHY JOINS IN

Very good!

Oh, dear!

This isn't Gone With The Wind!

-No, Mother, this is a Yugoslav cartoon film.

-Oh.

-Well, in that case, they won't mind if we make a little noise.

-What?

Well, you haven't had any tea. Look!

Lemon-curd sandwiches.

-Mother, I don't want lemon-curd sandwiches!

-Fresh cut yesterday.

Mother! I don't want lemon-curd sandwiches, Mother!

All I want to do is sit here and watch Gone With The Wind,

-that's all I want to do.

-Shush, will you?

-Oh, shush.

-Well, I'm not holding them.

-Well, I don't want them, Mother.

-Yes, you do!

-I don't!

-For later!

I don't want them, Mother! Why did you have to come to the cinema, eh?

Why don't you live somewhere else, like other people's parents do?

-It's you that lives with us.

-Oh, throwing that in my face now?

-Seen and not heard, Timothy.

-Oh, shut up, Father!

-Don't talk to your father like that.

-I can't...

-Why don't you get out?

"Get out"? I am getting out! Anybody want some lemon-curd sandwiches?

Eh? Goodness me, why did you two meet? Why did you get married?

I could have been two different people. Isn't it funny?

I thought I was coming to see a film. I'm not. I'm not. I'm going.

-I am going.

-You mucky beast. Out!

-"Mucky beast"?

-I shall come back tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day!

-Out, out!

Good afternoon.

Er, sorry. Overslept. HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

-Had a bit of a row with Mother, too.

-Yes, that'll be £5, please.

Steady. Wait a minute. £5? Steady. I DID go to the cinema.

I did actually go to the cinema,

but I didn't see the film because, due to unforeseen...

Precisely. £5, please.

No, wait a minute, you said I'd be decorating the cupboard under

the stairs, but I wasn't doing that.

I was at the cinema. I won't take £5 from you, of course.

Naturally, I won't do that, because I didn't see the film, but...

Quite. You owe me £5.

I heard the whole story from Norman. It wouldn't surprise me

if this little incident didn't surface in the pages of the Echo.

Well, anyway, it's all over now.

All over the seats, by Norman's account.

Lemon curd!

-So, the spondulicks, if you please.

-All right, then, Victor, all right.

But you really ought to give me the chance to get my money back.

-You ought to.

-Timothy, you're pathetic when you grovel.

-Thanks for the book, Victor.

-Oh, Caroline!

I don't believe you've met my alleged superior, Mr Lumsden.

-Caroline's just joined the children's library.

-Oh!

How... Oh, dear! HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Oh! You're not a Boy Scout, I hope!

Well, you're not a boy, anyway, I can see that.

-Well, anybody can. How do you do?

-Hello.

Oh, dear, you've got a very strong...

Only I injured my hand the other day in a fight. With Mother.

-And, er...

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-No, no, it's not that bad.

Not as bad as when she hit me in the face with a hot-water bottle. Bang!

-Yes.

-Yes.

-Well, I must be off.

See you at coffee time today, Caroline.

-Carolyn? Caroline?

-Caroline.

I don't think you'll be seeing her at coffee time, today or any day.

You made a right Horlicks of that.

I thought I made rather a good impression, to be honest.

I don't see you ever sitting in the back row with her.

Strange you say that. That is a challenge.

And a chance for me to get my money back.

I'm going to bet you £10 that I will not only not be decorating

the cupboard under the stairs tonight,

but I'll be sitting in the cinema with Caroline,

watching Gone With The Wind.

You can't give it away fast enough, can you?

Where have you been?!

I was in the pub! You weren't here at seven.

-Oh, I'm sorry. Of course I wasn't. I forgot. I was hiding.

-Who from?

Mother.

Well, it wasn't Mother, but I thought it was.

It was the man from the antique shop.

He's got the same hair as her.

You won't believe this.

She only wants me to paint the cupboard under the stairs tonight!

-I mean, I want to see Gone With The Wind.

-Gone With The Wind?

Oh, that started at seven. We've missed 40 minutes of it.

-I'm not seeing that.

-Oh, well, I want to see it.

-Well, you go, if you like.

-No, no, I've got to see it with you.

Why don't we go and see Rickshaw Of Blood?

-It's a great film!

-What?

Bruce Lee meets Christopher Lee.

-I love horror films.

-I don't think it's me.

We could cuddle up...

Well, we could, er...cuddle up in Gone With The Wind.

No, we can't!

Who's afraid of old Clark Gable? Geriatric yawn-yawn.

All right, then, make it Rickshaw Of Whatchamacallit, you know,

and cuddle up.

It's worth it for a tenner.

-What do you mean?

-What? No, nothing, no.

No, nothing. Don't worry. It's just a little bet.

-Erm...

-A bet?

-What?

-You bet someone you'd cuddle me for ten quid?

-No, not at all!

-You nasty little male chauvinist piglet!

Caroline! Caroline?

I've got to see this film! Oh...

Now let me get this right.

On Thursday, you decided you wanted to see the film.

Victor bet you £5 you wouldn't, and you didn't.

But I didn't do the decorating.

-And you didn't even do the decorating.

-No.

Yesterday, you decided you wanted to see the film again.

Victor bet you £10 you wouldn't take this girl to it.

You got your face slapped.

-Yes.

-And you didn't see the film.

No.

Therefore, to date, it has cost you £5 plus £10

plus £4.50 for...

-Mother and Father to see the film.

-Mother and Father to see the film.

Plus, if you please,

12 quid for a Chinese dinner to pacify this Caroline girl.

And you didn't get a cuddle, you got indigestion.

I think the egg foo young was lying about its age.

-A total of £31.50.

-HE LAUGHS

You still haven't seen the film

OR painted the cupboard under the stairs.

But I've bought a tin of paint.

£2.20. I forgot about that.

Plus another £2.20 for paint.

£33.70!

It's a bit one-sided, isn't it, Frank, eh?

Let us look on the credit side. Let us look on the bright side.

-Let us look at what I have achieved.

-Yes?

Well, there you are, then.

No, wait a minute, I did see half of a Yugoslav cartoon film.

-The first half?

-No, the top half.

There was a tall man sitting in front of me.

Listen, Tim...

How can I put this?

When I tapped on the window the other day

and invited you in for a cup of coffee,

you didn't come, did you?

-Er, but I had to...

-No.

-No.

But you would have enjoyed it, wouldn't you?

-Well, it's, er...

-Wouldn't you?

Well, yes, yes, I would have done, yeah.

So what is it in you that stops you from doing what you want to do?

Ah, well, I had to go and see about this Indian mushroom...

-No, no, no, not the paint!

-No, no, I...

I mean in your whole life.

Yeah...

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Why IS your mother painting the cupboard under the stairs?

Oh, I'll give you the answer to that one. The meter man.

-He asked for it to be painted(?)

-Not in as many words.

He sort of looked in the door and went, "Eurgh..."

-The meter man?

-Yes. Well, he might say something to the neighbours.

The meter man doesn't care what the inside of the cupboard looks like!

-You're exactly like your mother.

-What?! Frank! Oh, come on!

-Well, always worrying about what people think.

-Well...

Always making things complicated.

-What is it stops you from doing what you want to do?

-Well, I do!

Do what?

I do do!

-I do!

-You don't!

-Don't what?

-Oh, dear!

-Brandies. Large ones.

-Large ones?

-Mm.

-Goodness me!

Now, I want you to do one simple thing for me. See if you can do it.

Will you do one thing for me?

-Depends.

-Yes or no?

-Well...

-Yes or no?

Well, yes.

-I suppose.

-Don't "suppose".

-No, I won't suppose.

Let's say I don't suppose, I don't suppose.

-Shut up.

-Yes. Right.

I want you to make a decision

to put this 50p coin into the lifeboat box...

-Yes.

-..and then do it. I'll time you.

-Right.

-This 50p.

-Yes.

-Yes.

-Into the lifeboat box.

-Yes.

-Right!

-Which lifeboat box?

-There's only one.

-Oh, that lifeboat box.

-Yes.

-Right.

-Oh, right. Won't you want this for the cigarette machine?

-I don't smoke!

-No. Good point, good point. Oh, well, I'll put it in, then.

-Yes.

-No sooner said than done.

-40 seconds and counting.

-Er, why do you want me to do this?

-Put it in! Put it in!

I only want to know, I only want to know! Why? The reason!

-Because you have decided to do it.

-Have I?

-Ohhh!

All right, I'll do it, I'll do it.

Oh, Timothy!

Giving away what remains of your diminished fortunes

to the gallant men in oilskins?

Most commendable.

Who have we here? Brother Francis in some distress?

Shove off, you tedious pillock.

Oh, Timothy, what charming company you do keep.

A large pina colada, please, Jean.

-Oh, what a dingy article you are, Victor.

-Hm?

-You've taken 15 quid off this poor little devil.

-All's fair in love...

I'll tell you what's fair.

He bets you £33.70 that he goes to see Gone With The Wind tonight.

33 quid?! I may be a tedious pillock,

but I'm not a charity.

On the other hand, I'll take it.

-Done.

-Today is Saturday. It's nearly seven o'clock.

There's a very long queue and it's a very small cinema,

so hard fromage to you, mon brave.

Come on, Tim. We're going to the cinema.

-We haven't had our drinks.

-Drink up.

-All right.

-Come on.

-Now?

-Yes, now. There's 33 quid on it.

-33?

PHONE RINGS Hang on, that might be Mother.

No! Never mind her. We've got to run!

-I can't run. I might get a stitch.

-Oh, shut up!

-Sorry, Mother, sorry.

-Frank, I mean. Sorry.

-Go!

33 quid! Jean, can you order me a minicab?

-This is it. We're actually going to see it!

-Of course we are.

-Isn't it wonderful?

-No, it's not. Anyone can go to the cinema.

-It's not difficult.

-No, of course it is. Of course it is.

Of course, it's perfectly easy, really.

-Er, yes?

-What?

-How many?

-Oh, it's a good point. Er...

-Two!

-Two.

Is there a Mr Lumley here? There's a phone call.

-No, there isn't. Two, please.

-Er, my name's Lumsden.

-No, it's not!

Look, it'll be your mother, you lummox!

No, it's not Lummox, it's Lumley.

Weren't you here on Thursday night?

No, I don't like lemon-curd sandwiches. No, it wasn't me.

-I think I'd better take it, Frank.

-No, ignore him.

-He's got a thing about the name "Lumsden".

-Is it serious?

Well, it's about your father. You mother says it's synovitis.

What?! Frank, it's synovitis!

Synovitis is water on the knee.

-Oh, is it?

-Yes! Your father's always had it.

He hasn't had a dry knee since 1946. Now come on!

No, I won't take it, if you don't mind. We're going to see the film.

Thank you, Frank, for being an extremely good friend

in my time of need.

-Thank you.

-Shut up. Come and get the tickets.

One for Gone With The Wind, if you please.

-You're here.

-Well, well, the Dynamic Duo!

Two for Gone With The Wind, please.

Sorry, love, it's full.

-What? We were before him!

-Oh, dear, have I taken the last seat?

Quelle tragedy! Another 33 quid. Very nice!

You prize buffoon! She's done it again. Your mother...

-You always fall for it.

-Don't be so upset, Frank. Don't be.

But you've lost the bet! You absolute...

Lumsden!

You've lost another 33 quid.

Still got the 50p.

-I've still got the 50...

-You didn't put it in?

The little lifeboat wouldn't slide down the chute.

But we're right up the chute! Oh, my God.

You didn't even get it in the box.

Well, I could probably do it tomorrow, couldn't I? Eh?

Probably.

I suppose.

You mustn't worry about things!

-I first asked you to do this job last November.

-Yes, Mother.

And if I wasn't standing over you now, you wouldn't be doing it.

No, Mother.

You'll need a hat.

You always get the stuff in your hair,

even when you're only painting the skirting boards.

Your father's cap will do.

If you'd made up your mind to do it last November,

it would probably be done by now.

Ah, there it is.

Not that I wouldn't put it past you, Timothy, to think of some reason

against actually putting the paint on the wall. Now...

Timothy?