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Episode 3

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BELL DINGS

0:00:020:00:03

Hmm.

0:00:060:00:08

You're taking crude commercial advantage of me.

0:00:130:00:15

You look great.

0:00:150:00:17

I look like a banana.

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You look as though you're born to be a banana.

0:00:190:00:22

Look, what we're doing here is we are creating customer interest.

0:00:240:00:30

You say "we," but look who's wearing this thing.

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You're playing the lead in this production.

0:00:330:00:36

Oh, well, I am flattered that you think I've got the emotional range

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to be a convincing banana.

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Listen, today a banana, and tomorrow, who knows?

0:00:430:00:49

Hey, I've got this image of a stick of celery.

0:00:500:00:53

Oh!

0:00:540:00:56

Oh!

0:01:150:01:17

CASH REGISTER RINGS

0:01:250:01:27

COINS JINGLE

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Come on.

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HE LAUGHS

0:01:410:01:43

Come on.

0:01:430:01:45

Oh! Wait, wait for it.

0:01:450:01:48

You may.

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Go on.

0:01:560:01:58

Oh!

0:02:010:02:02

All right, Arkwright, don't get overexcited.

0:02:020:02:06

Let's try and keep it civilised, hey?

0:02:060:02:09

It too early to be civilised.

0:02:090:02:12

It's only half past barbarian.

0:02:120:02:14

You, you should be jumping out of bed in the morning

0:02:140:02:18

thirsting to get to grips with your first customer.

0:02:180:02:22

Yesterday that was Mrs Lewis.

0:02:220:02:25

Oh, right, I take your point.

0:02:250:02:27

Anyway, Leroy, you're not showing enough keenness.

0:02:270:02:31

Just remember that one day all of this will be yours.

0:02:310:02:36

You're going to leave all of this to a banana?

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Stop moaning. It worked, though, didn't it?

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Yeah, for you. All I got was greenfly!

0:02:410:02:44

BELL DINGS

0:02:440:02:46

I suppose we ought to be grateful it's not a four by four.

0:02:520:02:56

We can't leave it outside, it'll get nicked.

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To you this is just a tandem, but to us, she's... Well, she's family.

0:02:590:03:03

She shares our pain.

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You know, I've always thought the best way to ease pain is a bit of

0:03:050:03:09

therapeutic spending.

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Messrs Arkwright and Son extend a warm welcome

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to practising members of the consumer society.

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Didn't you used to be a banana?

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I'm trying to forget.

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Would you mind telling me what you come in for,

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-and get that thing out of here.

-We want energy snacks.

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Healthy bites for athlete reaching for the limits.

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Aye, something to see us through the agony.

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Well, I've got granary bars.

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Sugar-free whole-wheat crunches.

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Bacon buttys.

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Thought you'd never ask.

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Oh, nice job, Gastric.

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I'm not usually that sure about anything.

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Oh, I knew you'd like it. She'll find fault.

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Did you wipe the floor mats?

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Both sides. You could eat a meal off them.

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So that's how you learned your table manners.

0:04:160:04:19

I've been thinking, Madge...

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Don't strain yourself for me.

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Close your clacker a minute and listen to what he's got to say.

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We should go out for a meal sometime, I'd get dressed up,

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-you wouldn't know me.

-I don't know you.

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You ought to get out more, Madge, get a life.

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A meal with him?

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I've seen him at work on a sandwich.

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It'll be all right if I stay off things that splash.

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You could splash walnuts.

0:04:450:04:48

-Don't give up.

-No way, I'm making progress. She used to ignore me.

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Now she insults me to my face.

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THEY LAUGH

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Is this loaf fresh?

0:05:060:05:08

This crust is dry.

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Dry, hard, and a specially designed by our leading brain scientists

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to keep out the crumb fly.

0:05:150:05:18

That's a new one on me, crumb fly.

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But you've seen the trail that it leaves, haven't you?

0:05:230:05:26

You know, the crumbs everywhere.

0:05:260:05:28

We all find crumbs.

0:05:280:05:29

And I bet you've scolded your husband, haven't you,

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for leaving crumbs about when all the time it's been the crumb fly?

0:05:320:05:36

I wouldn't say scold.

0:05:360:05:39

I make him clean them up.

0:05:390:05:41

And I suspect he hasn't heard of crumb fly, either.

0:05:410:05:44

He will have heard of the saying, "Oh, crumbs,"

0:05:440:05:47

which dates back to the great plague of the crumb fly in 1460 something

0:05:470:05:54

or other, when they had to evacuate Birmingham.

0:05:540:05:58

Well, I've never seen one.

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Well, of course, you won't, Madame, will you? Because it...

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Pardon me. ..takes a professional.

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But you're sure there's none in this loaf?

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Well, how about I give it another run through my crumb fly detective

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-for you?

-I'd feel better.

0:06:130:06:16

Yeah. Won't be a moment.

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Excuse me.

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SQUEAKING

0:06:220:06:24

There we are.

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Guaranteed crumb fly free.

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That'll be 10p, but worth it just for the peace of mind,

0:06:300:06:33

-don't you think?

-How do these flies manage to stay unseen?

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You never know that they've been, because they work in gangs.

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See, they come along and they send one of the gang into the bread,

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and he's in there, sorting it out,

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and he's throwing the crumbs out, like that,

0:06:500:06:53

to his mates that are on the outside.

0:06:530:06:55

They're very organised.

0:06:570:06:59

You're looking at the insect equivalent of five O-levels.

0:06:590:07:04

Anyway, that's £1.50, plus 10p for the test.

0:07:060:07:10

When do I get to ride in front?

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When you're ready for that amount of responsibility.

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I'm ready to change this saddle.

0:07:300:07:32

This thing's got attitude.

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Well, it's no picnic in the hot seat.

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It's me who takes the full impact of any collision.

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Then, I recommend we don't have one.

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You'll be safe behind me, while I'm out on a limb here,

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on top of which I had to the navigating.

0:07:460:07:48

-Wait! What are you...what are you playing at?!

-Argh!

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Argh!

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Get off me.

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Oh!

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HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

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What happens when I go brown and start turning to mush?

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There's nothing looks worse than yesterday's banana.

0:08:110:08:14

Why are you wearing dark glasses?

0:08:140:08:16

-You think I want to be recognised?

-Come along, man up.

0:08:160:08:19

We don't want to be known as people who are selling bananas of low

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self-esteem, do we?

0:08:230:08:26

What's your worst nightmare?

0:08:270:08:29

-You know that, it's the black widow.

-Good luck for mashed bananas.

0:08:290:08:34

No, no, let me, you let me in, you swine, you...

0:08:340:08:38

BELL RINGS

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Was that a banana I saw you with, Granville?

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Stick to your own kind, we peel just as easily.

0:08:440:08:48

-How is Mr Newbold?

-Beating a path to my door.

0:08:480:08:52

Sometimes he overwhelms me. How long before he gets his

0:08:520:08:55

forceful, masculine way?

0:08:550:08:58

I can't see you being overwhelmed, Mrs Featherstone.

0:08:580:09:03

I saw you frightening a policeman.

0:09:030:09:05

A perfect stranger and he told me I was speeding.

0:09:050:09:08

No, no, Granville, there is a timid female inside here waiting for

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someone who has the nerve to explore.

0:09:130:09:16

Grab me, Granville, before its too late.

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Oh, oh, excuse me, I've got to check my reserve stock.

0:09:200:09:24

Oh, oh, you've got a wicked way with words.

0:09:240:09:28

Secure me now, before Mr Newbold becomes the fourth Mr Featherstone.

0:09:280:09:32

He's a good man. He deserves to be happy,

0:09:320:09:37

but you should marry him anyway.

0:09:370:09:41

Well, don't think you could have me as a bit on the side if I marry.

0:09:410:09:44

Although, I would recommend that you check that decision periodically.

0:09:440:09:48

Why? Why do they want to go round Britain by tandem?

0:09:530:09:56

They're blood brothers. It's a symbol of their male bonding.

0:09:560:10:01

Two spirits, joined as one, in search of action and adventure.

0:10:010:10:06

THEY LAUGH

0:10:060:10:09

-I think it's great.

-You thought him you married was great.

0:10:110:10:15

I didn't like to contradict him.

0:10:150:10:16

Well, no wonder your marriage failed.

0:10:160:10:19

Did you try being nasty? That gets far better results.

0:10:190:10:22

-Hey, we're not all as gifted as you.

-I don't do so badly.

0:10:220:10:25

-Ask anybody.

-Ask gastric. You're rotten to him.

0:10:250:10:29

Gastric was designed for punishment.

0:10:290:10:33

I always thought you got more by being nice.

0:10:330:10:36

So, what did I get?

0:10:360:10:38

-Pregnant.

-There's nice and there's nice.

0:10:380:10:40

I know that now!

0:10:400:10:42

I always found being unpleasant was the best form of contraception.

0:10:430:10:47

I used to fake a runny nose and sniffle a lot.

0:10:470:10:51

-That worked for me.

-I thought you were poorly.

0:10:510:10:53

I know, I was good, wasn't I?

0:10:530:10:57

You don't need any tricks, you just say no.

0:10:570:11:00

-Don't they sulk?

-Of course they sulk, get used to it.

0:11:000:11:03

It's all right for you, you've got somebody amiable.

0:11:030:11:07

I always used to settle for well-trained.

0:11:070:11:09

You'd have been fast tracked for promotion in the SS.

0:11:090:11:13

I applied, but they had no vacancies.

0:11:150:11:18

Mine looked really good on our wedding pictures.

0:11:210:11:23

Really happy.

0:11:230:11:25

Thanks to the best man.

0:11:250:11:27

Oh, you thought it was your husband's best friend.

0:11:270:11:29

I did. Especially when he ran off with him.

0:11:290:11:32

Are you going to read those or are they just so you can come in,

0:11:480:11:51

-and annoy me?

-Bit of both.

0:11:510:11:53

When are we going out for a meal?

0:11:530:11:55

Never.

0:11:550:11:57

Oh, as soon as that, better wash my hair.

0:11:570:12:02

"The Handbook Of Western Philosophy."

0:12:020:12:04

I was going to wait for the movie, but...

0:12:040:12:07

All right.

0:12:110:12:12

-Hello, Mavis.

-Hello, Granville.

0:12:230:12:28

Alone at last.

0:12:280:12:29

Not for long, I bet.

0:12:290:12:32

You're just in time to see my collection of Victorian cheese slices.

0:12:320:12:36

You certainly know how to tempt a person.

0:12:360:12:40

I wonder how many girls have gone wrong

0:12:400:12:42

falling for an invitation like that.

0:12:420:12:45

I can't imagine.

0:12:450:12:47

But let's see if we can add one.

0:12:470:12:49

They warn you against everything but cheese slices.

0:12:490:12:53

I have an admission to make.

0:12:530:12:56

I don't actually have a collection of Victorian cheese slices.

0:12:560:12:59

So I've been tricked and misled?

0:12:590:13:02

Oh, well,

0:13:020:13:04

feels all right so far.

0:13:040:13:07

And it could get better.

0:13:070:13:08

You'd talk me into anything.

0:13:080:13:11

I've forgotten what I came in for now.

0:13:110:13:14

You see, I now have a dilemma.

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Because I don't have a collection of Victorian cheese slices,

0:13:170:13:22

I wonder what it is we're going to do.

0:13:220:13:25

Don't ask me.

0:13:250:13:27

You know what I'm like at decisions.

0:13:270:13:30

Fortunately, I do have an idea.

0:13:300:13:33

Is this the idea that's just getting interesting,

0:13:350:13:38

and somebody comes into the shop?

0:13:380:13:41

That's the one. And then I serve them like lightning.

0:13:410:13:46

And I'm straight back.

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BELL RINGS

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DOOR CLOSES

0:13:520:13:54

Don't go away.

0:13:560:13:58

Yes, yes, Mr Newbold, what can I get you?

0:14:030:14:05

-Very quickly.

-I'm here with a sizeable order.

0:14:050:14:08

-I've made a list.

-Right, OK, leave it with me, off you go,

0:14:080:14:12

and I'll get it sent round to you.

0:14:120:14:14

No. No, I need it now, I want to take it with me.

0:14:140:14:18

But, you see, I've got certain logistical problems that require my

0:14:180:14:22

attention in the warehouse.

0:14:220:14:24

Can't you attend to me first? Can't they wait?

0:14:240:14:27

Well, they do depend on the size of your, you know,

0:14:270:14:30

your list. All right.

0:14:300:14:33

Have a look.

0:14:330:14:35

Three, four...

0:14:350:14:37

Oh!

0:14:390:14:40

Erm...

0:14:430:14:45

Oh.

0:14:450:14:46

Oh, hello, Mavis, are being attended to?

0:14:490:14:51

The short answer is no.

0:14:510:14:54

-Me, neither.

-He said he'd be straight back.

0:14:540:14:56

I think I'm in love with a librarian.

0:14:560:14:59

Is that wise?

0:14:590:15:01

They probably read in bed.

0:15:010:15:02

I'm never going to find out.

0:15:020:15:06

She won't look at me because I eat meat.

0:15:060:15:08

Only at mealtimes.

0:15:080:15:10

Emergency rations, Granville.

0:15:130:15:16

That's why all the tinned stuff.

0:15:160:15:18

My door's going to be firmly locked against allcomers.

0:15:180:15:21

I shall be unavailable.

0:15:210:15:24

Locking yourself in with Mrs Featherstone.

0:15:240:15:28

Sealing off your little love nest.

0:15:280:15:30

Way to go, Mr Newbold.

0:15:300:15:34

Locking her in? I'm looking her out.

0:15:340:15:37

A man's house is his castle, and I'm pulling up the drawbridge.

0:15:370:15:41

I'm barricading me in.

0:15:430:15:45

I was coming back from town.

0:15:540:15:56

They passed me on the tandem, wobbling.

0:15:560:15:58

It's what they do best.

0:15:580:16:00

You have to admire their ambition, though.

0:16:000:16:04

Also, I do feel obliged to point out some wives might find the magic

0:16:040:16:08

returning at the sight of their husbands

0:16:080:16:10

dressed head to toe in Lycra.

0:16:100:16:13

I must have missed it.

0:16:130:16:15

DOOR CLOSES

0:16:150:16:17

Oh! Get me a chair.

0:16:200:16:22

With a cushion on it.

0:16:220:16:24

Where's the other idiot?

0:16:240:16:26

Coming. He'll need a cushion, honey.

0:16:260:16:29

Two cushions.

0:16:300:16:32

BELL RINGS

0:16:370:16:39

Hey, I've had three good rollickings

0:16:390:16:40

from that Madge today already.

0:16:400:16:43

I'm really getting her attention now.

0:16:430:16:45

Hey?

0:16:450:16:47

Hello? Is there anybody there?

0:16:500:16:53

Nod once for yes.

0:16:530:16:55

Mrs Featherstone.

0:16:590:17:00

No, the way you can tell is I'm not in a frock.

0:17:000:17:03

No, but I can tell you what I mean, trouble.

0:17:030:17:08

You were so far gone, I could have shoplifted anything.

0:17:080:17:11

-You what?

-You were miles away.

0:17:110:17:14

Yeah, not enough miles between me and the threat I'm under.

0:17:140:17:20

The weights and measures been checking you again?

0:17:200:17:23

No, no, it's worse than that.

0:17:230:17:26

It's the black widow.

0:17:270:17:30

I've got to get her and Mr Newbold back together again.

0:17:300:17:34

Do you think he fancies her?

0:17:340:17:36

Of course he fancies her.

0:17:360:17:38

It's just that he doesn't know that yet.

0:17:380:17:41

But watch this space.

0:17:430:17:45

Careless. Has he forgotten I'm coming?

0:17:590:18:03

Black mark, Newbold, this won't do.

0:18:030:18:05

KNOCKING ON DOOR

0:18:050:18:07

Is he going deaf?

0:18:100:18:12

Is he concealing it from me?

0:18:150:18:17

You see how they suck you in, pretending they're fit for purpose.

0:18:170:18:22

Why didn't you tell me?

0:18:230:18:25

What other little disabilities are you going to spring on me?

0:18:250:18:28

Is this why you have never sprung on me?

0:18:330:18:35

Oh, men! Who can you trust?

0:18:380:18:42

Shame on you, Newbold!

0:18:420:18:45

Ooh.

0:18:460:18:47

Wait a minute.

0:18:470:18:49

This is not the Newbold I know and can turn to jelly.

0:18:490:18:53

I see what it is.

0:18:540:18:55

He's afraid to tell me in case...in case it drives me away.

0:18:550:19:00

Oh, bless him.

0:19:000:19:02

All is forgiven.

0:19:020:19:04

Unless it's something very unsightly.

0:19:040:19:07

It is I, Wilburn, your Delphine.

0:19:090:19:13

You know what Mr Newbold's problem is, don't you?

0:19:230:19:27

Well, he sees Mrs Featherstone as a tough old bat.

0:19:270:19:32

That could be because she is a tough old bat.

0:19:320:19:35

Yes, on the surface. But does he know what lies beneath?

0:19:350:19:39

Does he know that she was once an exotic dancer,

0:19:400:19:44

who went by the name of Roxy Thong?

0:19:440:19:48

Mrs Featherstone?

0:19:480:19:50

-Yeah.

-Get over.

0:19:500:19:51

She performed mainly in Europe.

0:19:510:19:54

That's why we don't know about her here.

0:19:540:19:57

She drove them mad in Germany, you know.

0:19:570:20:00

She did things with three balloons that you could not believe.

0:20:000:20:04

HE GRUNTS AND STRUGGLES

0:20:170:20:19

Right, I've got you.

0:20:190:20:22

There. Who did that? That's Leroy.

0:20:220:20:26

BELL RINGS

0:20:260:20:27

DOOR CLOSES

0:20:270:20:29

Right, stay there, don't go away.

0:20:290:20:31

Good day to you, Mrs Thong.

0:20:380:20:40

-"Thong"?

-Featherstone.

0:20:400:20:43

You said "Thong."

0:20:430:20:44

Did I say? Why did I say "Thong"?

0:20:440:20:46

Perhaps we could go to a quieter place,

0:20:460:20:48

and tease out the roots of that Freudian slip.

0:20:480:20:52

How is Mr Newbold?

0:20:530:20:56

He's dead.

0:20:560:20:59

"Dead"? What?

0:20:590:21:00

-He can't be dead.

-I went round to his house.

0:21:000:21:03

I called and I called, there was no reply, he must be dead.

0:21:030:21:06

Well, he was in here this morning. He looked perfectly well.

0:21:060:21:10

They go fast at his age.

0:21:100:21:13

So, there's just you and me now, Granville.

0:21:130:21:17

Oh! I'll give him a call.

0:21:190:21:21

Well, what's the point if he's dead?

0:21:210:21:23

-He's not dead.

-No, well, he better be if he's not answering my calls.

0:21:230:21:27

PHONE RINGS

0:21:270:21:29

Hexthorpe Gasworks.

0:21:380:21:40

You're not the Hexthorpe Gasworks. It's you, Newbold, isn't it?

0:21:400:21:45

I thought you were dead.

0:21:450:21:48

Why didn't I think of that?

0:21:500:21:52

Why are you masquerading as the Hexthorpe Gasworks?

0:21:540:21:58

It's a fantasy. Do you mind?

0:21:580:22:00

I've always wanted to be the Hexthorpe Gasworks.

0:22:000:22:04

-Wait there, I'm coming round.

-No.

0:22:040:22:06

-"No"?

-No, it's dangerous. I've got spots, I'm contagious.

0:22:060:22:10

Ah! Oh, well...

0:22:100:22:14

Not dead, just unhygienic.

0:22:140:22:17

There's a window of opportunity for you here, Granville,

0:22:210:22:24

until spots disappear.

0:22:240:22:27

Oh, yes. Right, no, hang on,

0:22:270:22:31

hang on, look, sorry, we've just got to get rid of that.

0:22:310:22:35

You can't have that on your continental sausage.

0:22:350:22:39

What is it?

0:22:390:22:40

It's, it's...

0:22:400:22:42

Hold on, there it is. It's the bratwurst beetle.

0:22:420:22:47

There are terrible little breeders, they are.

0:22:470:22:50

I mean, you get two of these together,

0:22:500:22:52

and the next thing you know, you've got a colony.

0:22:520:22:56

Hold on, there it is. Hold on, then it goes.

0:22:560:22:59

You stay there.

0:22:590:23:01

Get out. There he is.

0:23:010:23:03

THUD

0:23:030:23:05

That'll tie a knot in his prospects.

0:23:050:23:08

As I was saying, Granville, a window of opportunity.

0:23:080:23:13

Argh!

0:23:140:23:16

Sorry, you were saying?

0:23:160:23:19

Not now, can't stop, must fly!

0:23:190:23:21

BELL RINGS

0:23:230:23:25

-Who's got spots?

-Seems like everyone.

0:23:320:23:35

Did you know that Granville had spots?

0:23:350:23:37

Just the one near his...

0:23:370:23:40

PHONE RINGS

0:23:430:23:45

-Hello?

-IMITATING GERMAN ACCENT: Would this be the Herr Newbold mit

0:23:500:23:55

whom I am speaking?

0:23:550:23:57

This is Mr Newbold, yes.

0:23:570:23:59

The one who Frau Featherstone calls Smoochy?

0:23:590:24:03

I have never been called Smoochy.

0:24:030:24:06

But also known as Foxy Fingers, ja?

0:24:060:24:11

-Never.

-Well, to business.

0:24:110:24:15

We understand that you may have the number of Frau Featherstone.

0:24:150:24:20

Oh, yes, I've got her number all right.

0:24:200:24:23

You see, I'm speaking on behalf of the Monchengladbach

0:24:230:24:26

over 60s Frauline Roxy Thong fan club.

0:24:260:24:30

Ein question, Herr Newbold, does she still do the balloons?

0:24:320:24:36

And would she do them for us one more time?

0:24:360:24:39

I'm sorry, but I heff...have no connection with Frau Featherstone.

0:24:390:24:45

But we are told that you are the lover of the former Roxy Thong.

0:24:450:24:50

Oh! Those balloons!

0:24:500:24:54

I can assure you that I'm not a lover of Frau Featherstone.

0:24:540:24:58

Then I can only conclude that you have never seen the balloons.

0:24:580:25:03

Forget the balloons.

0:25:030:25:05

Believe me, I try.

0:25:050:25:07

For many years I'm seeking to forget the balloons,

0:25:070:25:11

but under my skin she gets.

0:25:110:25:13

I'm sorry, but I can't help you.

0:25:130:25:15

What I am saying is...

0:25:150:25:18

help yourself.

0:25:180:25:21

She was the toast of Europe.

0:25:210:25:24

Are you telling me that the woman I know as Mrs Featherstone was once an

0:25:240:25:29

exotic dancer who went by the name of...

0:25:290:25:32

Miss Roxy Thong?

0:25:320:25:35

Yup. So, who's the lucky boy, then? Ja, ja, ja!

0:25:350:25:38

HE LAUGHS

0:25:380:25:40

Will you get out of here? You'll get me sacked.

0:25:480:25:52

I wanted you to know I'm suitable for vegetarians.

0:25:520:25:55

I've come to mop your fevered brow.

0:27:240:27:27

It's been a funny day.

0:27:340:27:37

I had to let the banana go early.

0:27:380:27:42

I hope he's not getting overripe.

0:27:420:27:44

I was barely half a cheese slicer away from that Mavis

0:27:470:27:52

when my instinct for avarice took over.

0:27:520:27:55

Miss Roxy Thong, I wonder what she actually did with those balloons.

0:28:000:28:06

Must have gone with a bang.

0:28:080:28:10

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