Episode 4 Still Open All Hours

You think they'll ever find dark matter?

I didn't know they'd lost it.

It's fundamental to understanding what the world is made of.

I know what the world is made of.

It's made of people walking about out there with my money.

Your money?

Well, it is once I get them in the shop.

Morning, Mrs Hemstock.

I'm not speaking to you.

You sold my husband a right load of rubbish.

Well, I couldn't resist it - you've broken his spirit.

He'd buy anything, him.

"Art exhibition." Hmm.

-What are you entering?

-Me?

-Yeah.

Oh, I shouldn't enter, you. You've got no chance.

You know, I've often thought, "Who does Gastric remind me of?"

And you know who it is?

Picasso. Dead ringer.

Say hello to Pablo.

Oh, I can't paint.

I mean, I could do a bedroom.

Well, do something in metal, where your skills lie, hmm?

Just think how you'd impress Madge if you did something artistic.

HE BURPS

Apart from that.

I know - metal sculpture. Release your inner artist.

You could be the next big thing.

Madge says I am a big thing.

Ah! Ah, ah!

Ah. Eh, give me my...hand...back.

Oh!

Oh! Give it me back, will you?!

That's it, now. You don't get any money at all.

I think Arkwright's upset this morning.

I think he got annoyed

because I bought all that tinned stuff against his advice.

Spoke to you about it, did he?

No, but I can feel him t-tugging me by the back pocket.

Oh, sacred back pocket, with his great wodge of notes.

Yes, there's nothing more reassuring, you know,

than a roll of paper money at body temperature.

And he was right about that tinned stuff.

Should have listened to your back pocket.

-Are you asleep again?

-Hmm?

It's not again, it's the same one from last night.

Don't tell me you're dreaming about her at the library again, are you?

She continues to ignore me.

Tried everything within my budget.

Did you give her your Tommy Cooper impression, hmm?

Did it, got nowhere.

-AS TOMMY COOPER:

-Just like that!

Yeah, yeah, just like that.

Didn't you wonder why this stuff was so cheap?

I mean, are you even sure you know what's inside?

Tinned food.

There you are, see.

What? It's all written in Chinese!

How can you possibly know what's in it?

Hmm?

Ah, duck in plum sauce.

You don't know that!

Well, they don't know that either, do they?

Yes, but they will when they open the tin and then fetch it back.

Then we will refer them to the "no refund" policy

clearly written on the outside of the tin.

Why do I have to come at this hour?

And why the back door?

-Did anyone see you?

-No. Who's about at this hour?

You're not dressed.

Don't get excited.

There's a nightdress under here you'd need a map to find your way through.

-I'm not excited.

-No, I've noticed.

We have to talk about your improper advances.

I've made no improper advances.

No, that's what I've noticed, and it's got to stop.

You've brought me here at this hour to make improper advances?

You can shelve that idea. I'm nobody's plaything.

Then what's the urgency?

Urgency - now, that is a good word, and it's time you showed some.

How long have we been romantically coupled?

Is that what it's called?

-It seems like forever.

-Long enough for the gossip to begin arising.

-Well, I've heard no gossip.

-Nor have I, and it's high time it began.

I won't have people thinking we're doing nothing worth talking about.

You want people to gossip about us?

How do you think it looks if we're below their suspicions?

No, it's time to upgrade your image, Mr Newbold.

You are about to reach new heights of impishness.

Dare we say saucy?

It doesn't even sound like me.

I wouldn't know where to begin.

Well, you can park a motor car, you'll be fine.

Now, I want you to leave.

No, no, no. No, this time by the front door,

making all the noise you like, and making sure someone sees you.

-But won't they think...?

-Won't they just?

And it would help if you can manage to look smug.

As if you've just climbed Everest.

And without a guide.

-There's never a Sherpa when you need one.

-Wait.

Ah, ah, no, no, no - don't straighten it.

That's it, we want the abandoned look.

Smile, man. Off you go.

Oh, you rakish devil, you.

Good morning, Mr Newbold.

-You're up bright and early?

-Early?

-Yes, I admit to early.

-Are we to assume it's been a restless night?

I slept like a log, as you do in your own bed.

Naturally.

I thought I recognised you.

I thought, "That looks like Mr Newbold...

"..just leaving Mrs Featherstone's."

Oh, good heavens. Is that the time?

You can read your watch in this light?

You must have very keen eyes, Mr Newbold.

There seems to be no shortage of keen eyes.

Good day to you, Mrs Hussein.

And to you, Mr Newbold.

Go on, then. What is it?

Oh, you tell me. I daren't explore further.

Yes.

A hint of exotic spices with, erm...

..a cheeky tang of...

..almost incense.

Yeah, smells delicious.

It smells like a blocked drain!

Yes, but a mystical, eastern blocked drain.

It's rare delicacies, isn't it? They like it strong.

Strong?

Oh, that's muscle-bound.

Gourmets, right, they like more

pong for their pound.

Just pour it in there, let's have a look.

Oh.

Well?

Goes well with chips.

I just happened to be at the window.

Again?

You actually saw him leaving?

I wouldn't say leaving.

It were more like sneaking out.

Should we be jumping to conclusions?

Well, I don't see why not.

This one's made for a jump.

I must say, he did look a bit jumpy.

Maybe he's not a morning person.

Well, he doesn't do so badly at nights!

Good morning, ladies.

Am I interrupting something?

-No.

-No.

-I only ask because it was suddenly

so quiet you could hear a reputation drop.

We were just talking about some...

-Weather.

-The best way to Middlesbrough.

-Him from Wilson Street that drives the bus.

-In any weather.

But not to Middlesbrough.

Mrs Hussein was just telling us...

I wouldn't say telling!

It were more like... What can I say?

-Gossiping?

-That's a bit harsh.

Where's the harm in a bit of mild gossip?

Could one inquire whom it was about?

-Her from number 24.

-SAME TIME:

-Ian from Denby Street.

Two for the price of one.

Ah, now this one is different.

Different what?

Yeah, looks interesting.

It looks unappetising.

It just needs cooking, that's all.

-Go on, then.

-Hmm?

Read the cooking instructions.

Well, using my best grocer's guess,

I imagine it's probably this bit here that says something like...

HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH

..which means, "Just warm it up."

They eat snakes, you know.

Insects. They eat dogs.

There's nothing in there to indicate that that is dog.

Well, it's not going to bark, is it?

Don't feel sorry for me. I hate that.

-I prefer to keep smiling through pain.

-I don't feel sorry for you.

OK. Let's step back a pace.

Ignore my opening remarks.

Go ahead - feel sorry for me.

I saw you putting the damn thing on outside.

In that case, I may have to turn around and leave.

Now, they say that it was you who encouraged Gastric

to do something artistic.

Yes, I thought that he was underestimated.

You know, creative-wise.

-I just thought he were ready.

-Not only him.

You want ready, Granville?

I'm on speed dial.

Oh, right. Now, what-what-what could I help you with, Mrs Featherstone?

Those long winter evenings.

Yes, yes.

Well, of course, that's a bad time for grocers, because we've got

to dance with bells on our feet for, you know, the winter festivals.

Yeah. Excuse me. Yes.

And then, of course... And then, of... Ah, there... Yes.

Of course, there is also the candlelit vigil

in memory of p-pounds, shillings and pence.

Do you need help, Granville?

Help! Yes, yes, I do need help.

Granville, I have a confession to make.

You will be hearing stories about Mr Newbold.

There is a rumour that he has been seen leaving my premises.

In a hurry?

No, not in a hurry!

But outside respectable hours.

Well, yes!

HE LAUGH

That's the way to go Mrs Featherstone, yes, yes.

Seize the moment!

I'm not seizing anything.

But I wonder how long I can resist his increasing demands.

If you were to hazard a guess, Granville, how long,

do you think, before you came to my rescue?

Well, I...

Can I help you, Mrs Featherstone?

-How's your leg?

-Fine.

Well, it wasn't in the library.

Oh, that. Yeah, no.

I was just wearing it for a friend.

Give him a breather.

Newbold. Our Mr Newbold.

The one we thought was interested only in foreign stamps.

You think he was there all night?

They say he was singing,

whistling and doing little dance steps in the street.

-He was there all night.

-Mmm.

Yeah, you know what that means?

It's just us now!

Before we go in, be warned - this is just another one of his cons.

We know that, we're prepared.

We're one step in front of him.

Have you got anything on necking?

Outside. I'll see you outside.

These are not for eating.

These are for placing somewhere respectful in the home.

And then what?

It becomes a guiding spirit of the house.

-What's inside it?

-Ah, sorry, have to be careful.

Of course, the ingredients have to be kept secret in order to avoid

people running amok with too much bliss.

It advises caution on the label.

You can't read t'label.

If you place your finger on the label,

the wonder of this little thing is

it sends a translation straight to your brain.

It's not working on me.

All I know is that if you face the other way, you close your eyes

and concentrate, put your hand on the top of the can,

you'll feel these soft, gentle waves as they leave the can.

So, look, I'm going to stand over there so, you know,

I won't be able to interfere in any way.

Right?

All I can feel is the can.

Cold, metal can.

-What was that?

-Hmm?

What was what?

I...

-What?

-I don't know how you did it, but you did it.

Come on, we're out of here.

Don't call us, we'll call you.

They're only £4.50! Wait...

You're an idiot. You can't keep doing this.

Anybody but an idiot would know that. It's got to stop.

I like your eyes.

-Well, I don't like yours.

-The left one's not bad.

You're wasting your time - and mine.

I'm in a relationship.

Then it's lucky I found you just in time.

-I bet he eats meat.

-He doesn't!

Behind your back, I bet he eats meat.

Oh, dear. What happened to you?

I collided with a vegan.

It hurts more than she thinks.

-You look like you've lost 50p.

-I've lost more than that.

I think I've lost my mojo.

Do you know, I had Eric and Cyril like that,

and then I let them walk away!

I'm not surprised.

I've heard your stories. You can't get away with it every time.

I feel like the naked grocer.

And that's another thing.

I wish you'd stop with your insect stories.

You invent these bugs and beetles. You make people feel itchy.

You make me feel itchy.

Well, you've got to sound convincing, haven't you?

You convinced Mrs Harris yesterday.

Oh, yes!

With the old underwear mites.

Oh, she really went for that one, didn't she?

When she left the shop, she was

acting like she'd got fleas.

-What if they won't let us in?

-We pour on the charm.

You pour, I'll just stand here.

Failing that, we'll just elbow our way in.

I feel like we're intruding.

We are intruding. Get used to it.

Oh, hello, Gastric.

What do you want?

A nicer welcome would be something.

We were just wondering how it's going, your exhibition thing.

I'm finding it hard. It's a constant battle between doubt and certainty.

Of course, working in three dimensions is exciting.

I feel I've grown.

It's been a journey.

An adventure.

Dare I say a kind of spiritual experience.

Get him.

Granville, do you know what Gastric is up to?

Excuse me, ladies, a bit of chemical warfare, here.

I'm not sure we want to come in if you've got a creepy-crawly problem.

I do apologise. I'm sorry. I'm sure it's nothing.

It's just that there is a rumour that they... Excuse me...

..they're in the area. Oh!

Personally, I think it's just a rumour, but...

..for which I don't think there's any real... Ooh.

..there's any real foundation.

But the problem is... you can't be too sure,

because they're so small, you see, you can't see them.

What is this thing that you, erm, that you can't see?

Oh, Microbius itchicanus, yeah.

You'll probably know it better as the itchy bug.

If you can't see it, how do you know if you've got it?

-Oh! Ah.

-That's it.

That's how you know. Just like... I'm glad you asked that.

In fact, I'm glad about a lot of things about you.

-Oh, you'll make me blush.

-Save it for later, you'll probably need it.

Come on, let's go, give them a bit of privacy.

OK, yes, off you go, ladies,

but don't forget to just warn the people out there

about the itchy bug, because they do say, you know,

that Mrs Lewis has come out in a load of bumps.

Well, if you want the word spreading,

I'm sure I can be of assistance.

-She's not kidding.

-Huh.

But Mrs Lewis seemed all right yesterday.

Well, I spoke to Mr Lewis, and he said

it was such a long time since he looked.

He could phone a friend.

Oh, yes.

Tell them there's no need to panic, because we have the solution.

Yes... Are you sure there's no need to panic?

I can't promise that now we're alone.

-But anyway, there's no itchy bug, I just made it up.

-Good.

So, can you stop them itching now?

DOOR CRASHES OPEN

Phwoar! It's heavy. That's it, that's it.

Bring it in, why don't you? What is it? Your Mini?

I want your honest opinion...unless you don't like it.

I thought you were using Madge as your inspiration.

I was, but it came out too frightening.

I thought you'd be doing something that would fit on a shelf.

Well, it started that way,

but you have to go where the impulse takes you.

Yes. They arrested him from Berwick Street for doing that.

All right, then. Come on, get this cloth off, let's have a look at it.

No, no. Not there.

The light's wrong there.

Excuse us for being such peasants.

I won't have it diminished

because he's too cheap to have proper lighting.

I think your next bill has just gone up.

I want it to make maximum impact.

Impact?! You nearly knocked the door off its hinges just now.

It offends me to see it on the floor.

It requires height, space...

..the right eye-line. Here, let's get it up here.

Get it up. That's it. Now, be careful.

It might be just an object to you, but I can feel its pain.

Just watch my polished surfaces, will you?

There, that's better.

-It's a peculiar shape.

-Eh?

If he's going to insult my work, I'll take it elsewhere.

And to think I used to know you when you were liveable-with.

It's like giving birth!

You know? I mean, there's a bond here.

Now, just calm down, right, will you?

This is emotional for me.

I'm exposing layers of sensitivity here.

Get on with it.

Now, I don't mind informed criticism, but just remember,

if you don't like it, just keep your mouths shut!

-Are you ready?

-Ready?

We've been ready since you come banging through our front door.

Now, come on.

That's terrific, that, Gastric.

That's sensational. That is just right.

You'll see where I'm coming from.

I made the decision early on to drop narrow representation

of form for a more fluid impressionism.

Can you believe this?

Yeah. Yeah, you leave him alone, you.

Him - he's my favourite artist.

-That's nice.

-I'm not sure.

Lord help us all if that's in the area.

Or even closer.

It's got nice eyes.

Just imagine that crawling about your nerve ends.

I'd rather not, if you don't mind.

It's very shiny.

You'd think you could see them!

Oh, I hate it.

-I rather like it.

-No, you don't.

It's not your kind of thing at all.

I wish you'd stop that, it's making me feel itchy.

It's ever since I saw that damn bug.

Oh, don't scratch there, it looks rude!

-But that's where it's itchy.

-When you're with me

and in public, you will scratch where it is acceptable to scratch.

Oh, got an itch? There you are, madam, that'll cure it for you.

£4.50. Thank you. Oh, thank you, yes, yes. There you are.

No problems at all, keep you happy, that will.

Death ray? You told us it was improving relations in the home.

Harmony vessels, you said. You spoke of bringing bliss.

Which we took to include a full range of activities.

Without which, bliss, we thought, would be largely theoretical.

A merely notional concept. Difficult to evaluate.

It does all of that -

death rays and bliss.

Now, you see, the thing is that when you're

interested in a little frolic,

the last thing that you want is an attack from the itchy bug.

Now, this little marvel will not only improve your frolic, right,

but it'll make sure that you are kept free from the itchy bug.

Now, the world has been waiting for that, hasn't it?

Thank you. There you are. One for you, sir? Yes, off you go.

I suppose some might find the emotional value excessive,

but for me they make a statement about the purity of the metal.

What is this doing in our bed?

It won't do any harm down by your feet.

Eric, I am not sleeping with a can in our bed.

This sends out waves of harmony.

Wave it goodbye, Eric.

All right.

But don't blame me if you don't achieve bliss.

MOUTHS

I wonder if Gastric will get to talking normal.

That Mavis looks well in her shorty nightie.

I've never seen her in one,

but call it grocer's intuition.

It's amazing how people can be talked into feeling itchy.

HE CHUCKLES