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Episode 4

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Transcript


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You think they'll ever find dark matter?

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I didn't know they'd lost it.

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It's fundamental to understanding what the world is made of.

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I know what the world is made of.

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It's made of people walking about out there with my money.

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Your money?

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Well, it is once I get them in the shop.

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Morning, Mrs Hemstock.

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I'm not speaking to you.

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You sold my husband a right load of rubbish.

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Well, I couldn't resist it - you've broken his spirit.

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He'd buy anything, him.

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"Art exhibition." Hmm.

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-What are you entering?

-Me?

-Yeah.

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Oh, I shouldn't enter, you. You've got no chance.

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You know, I've often thought, "Who does Gastric remind me of?"

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And you know who it is?

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Picasso. Dead ringer.

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Say hello to Pablo.

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Oh, I can't paint.

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I mean, I could do a bedroom.

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Well, do something in metal, where your skills lie, hmm?

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Just think how you'd impress Madge if you did something artistic.

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HE BURPS

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Apart from that.

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I know - metal sculpture. Release your inner artist.

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You could be the next big thing.

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Madge says I am a big thing.

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Ah! Ah, ah!

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Ah. Eh, give me my...hand...back.

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Oh!

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Oh! Give it me back, will you?!

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That's it, now. You don't get any money at all.

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I think Arkwright's upset this morning.

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I think he got annoyed

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because I bought all that tinned stuff against his advice.

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Spoke to you about it, did he?

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No, but I can feel him t-tugging me by the back pocket.

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Oh, sacred back pocket, with his great wodge of notes.

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Yes, there's nothing more reassuring, you know,

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than a roll of paper money at body temperature.

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And he was right about that tinned stuff.

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Should have listened to your back pocket.

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-Are you asleep again?

-Hmm?

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It's not again, it's the same one from last night.

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Don't tell me you're dreaming about her at the library again, are you?

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She continues to ignore me.

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Tried everything within my budget.

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Did you give her your Tommy Cooper impression, hmm?

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Did it, got nowhere.

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-AS TOMMY COOPER:

-Just like that!

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Yeah, yeah, just like that.

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Didn't you wonder why this stuff was so cheap?

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I mean, are you even sure you know what's inside?

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Tinned food.

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There you are, see.

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What? It's all written in Chinese!

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How can you possibly know what's in it?

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Hmm?

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Ah, duck in plum sauce.

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You don't know that!

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Well, they don't know that either, do they?

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Yes, but they will when they open the tin and then fetch it back.

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Then we will refer them to the "no refund" policy

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clearly written on the outside of the tin.

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Why do I have to come at this hour?

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And why the back door?

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-Did anyone see you?

-No. Who's about at this hour?

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You're not dressed.

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Don't get excited.

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There's a nightdress under here you'd need a map to find your way through.

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-I'm not excited.

-No, I've noticed.

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We have to talk about your improper advances.

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I've made no improper advances.

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No, that's what I've noticed, and it's got to stop.

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You've brought me here at this hour to make improper advances?

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You can shelve that idea. I'm nobody's plaything.

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Then what's the urgency?

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Urgency - now, that is a good word, and it's time you showed some.

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How long have we been romantically coupled?

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Is that what it's called?

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-It seems like forever.

-Long enough for the gossip to begin arising.

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-Well, I've heard no gossip.

-Nor have I, and it's high time it began.

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I won't have people thinking we're doing nothing worth talking about.

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You want people to gossip about us?

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How do you think it looks if we're below their suspicions?

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No, it's time to upgrade your image, Mr Newbold.

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You are about to reach new heights of impishness.

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Dare we say saucy?

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It doesn't even sound like me.

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I wouldn't know where to begin.

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Well, you can park a motor car, you'll be fine.

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Now, I want you to leave.

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No, no, no. No, this time by the front door,

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making all the noise you like, and making sure someone sees you.

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-But won't they think...?

-Won't they just?

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And it would help if you can manage to look smug.

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As if you've just climbed Everest.

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And without a guide.

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-There's never a Sherpa when you need one.

-Wait.

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Ah, ah, no, no, no - don't straighten it.

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That's it, we want the abandoned look.

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Smile, man. Off you go.

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Oh, you rakish devil, you.

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Good morning, Mr Newbold.

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-You're up bright and early?

-Early?

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-Yes, I admit to early.

-Are we to assume it's been a restless night?

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I slept like a log, as you do in your own bed.

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Naturally.

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I thought I recognised you.

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I thought, "That looks like Mr Newbold...

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"..just leaving Mrs Featherstone's."

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Oh, good heavens. Is that the time?

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You can read your watch in this light?

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You must have very keen eyes, Mr Newbold.

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There seems to be no shortage of keen eyes.

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Good day to you, Mrs Hussein.

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And to you, Mr Newbold.

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Go on, then. What is it?

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Oh, you tell me. I daren't explore further.

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Yes.

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A hint of exotic spices with, erm...

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..a cheeky tang of...

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..almost incense.

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Yeah, smells delicious.

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It smells like a blocked drain!

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Yes, but a mystical, eastern blocked drain.

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It's rare delicacies, isn't it? They like it strong.

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Strong?

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Oh, that's muscle-bound.

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Gourmets, right, they like more

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pong for their pound.

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Just pour it in there, let's have a look.

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Oh.

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Well?

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Goes well with chips.

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I just happened to be at the window.

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Again?

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You actually saw him leaving?

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I wouldn't say leaving.

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It were more like sneaking out.

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Should we be jumping to conclusions?

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Well, I don't see why not.

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This one's made for a jump.

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I must say, he did look a bit jumpy.

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Maybe he's not a morning person.

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Well, he doesn't do so badly at nights!

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Good morning, ladies.

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Am I interrupting something?

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-No.

-No.

-I only ask because it was suddenly

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so quiet you could hear a reputation drop.

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We were just talking about some...

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-Weather.

-The best way to Middlesbrough.

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-Him from Wilson Street that drives the bus.

-In any weather.

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But not to Middlesbrough.

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Mrs Hussein was just telling us...

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I wouldn't say telling!

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It were more like... What can I say?

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-Gossiping?

-That's a bit harsh.

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Where's the harm in a bit of mild gossip?

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Could one inquire whom it was about?

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-Her from number 24.

-SAME TIME:

-Ian from Denby Street.

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Two for the price of one.

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Ah, now this one is different.

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Different what?

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Yeah, looks interesting.

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It looks unappetising.

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It just needs cooking, that's all.

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-Go on, then.

-Hmm?

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Read the cooking instructions.

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Well, using my best grocer's guess,

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I imagine it's probably this bit here that says something like...

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HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH

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..which means, "Just warm it up."

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They eat snakes, you know.

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Insects. They eat dogs.

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There's nothing in there to indicate that that is dog.

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Well, it's not going to bark, is it?

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Don't feel sorry for me. I hate that.

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-I prefer to keep smiling through pain.

-I don't feel sorry for you.

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OK. Let's step back a pace.

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Ignore my opening remarks.

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Go ahead - feel sorry for me.

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I saw you putting the damn thing on outside.

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In that case, I may have to turn around and leave.

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Now, they say that it was you who encouraged Gastric

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to do something artistic.

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Yes, I thought that he was underestimated.

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You know, creative-wise.

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-I just thought he were ready.

-Not only him.

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You want ready, Granville?

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I'm on speed dial.

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Oh, right. Now, what-what-what could I help you with, Mrs Featherstone?

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Those long winter evenings.

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Yes, yes.

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Well, of course, that's a bad time for grocers, because we've got

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to dance with bells on our feet for, you know, the winter festivals.

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Yeah. Excuse me. Yes.

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And then, of course... And then, of... Ah, there... Yes.

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Of course, there is also the candlelit vigil

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in memory of p-pounds, shillings and pence.

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Do you need help, Granville?

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Help! Yes, yes, I do need help.

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Granville, I have a confession to make.

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You will be hearing stories about Mr Newbold.

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There is a rumour that he has been seen leaving my premises.

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In a hurry?

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No, not in a hurry!

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But outside respectable hours.

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Well, yes!

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HE LAUGH

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That's the way to go Mrs Featherstone, yes, yes.

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Seize the moment!

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I'm not seizing anything.

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But I wonder how long I can resist his increasing demands.

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If you were to hazard a guess, Granville, how long,

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do you think, before you came to my rescue?

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Well, I...

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Can I help you, Mrs Featherstone?

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-How's your leg?

-Fine.

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Well, it wasn't in the library.

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Oh, that. Yeah, no.

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I was just wearing it for a friend.

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Give him a breather.

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Newbold. Our Mr Newbold.

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The one we thought was interested only in foreign stamps.

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You think he was there all night?

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They say he was singing,

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whistling and doing little dance steps in the street.

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-He was there all night.

-Mmm.

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Yeah, you know what that means?

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It's just us now!

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Before we go in, be warned - this is just another one of his cons.

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We know that, we're prepared.

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We're one step in front of him.

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Have you got anything on necking?

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Outside. I'll see you outside.

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These are not for eating.

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These are for placing somewhere respectful in the home.

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And then what?

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It becomes a guiding spirit of the house.

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-What's inside it?

-Ah, sorry, have to be careful.

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Of course, the ingredients have to be kept secret in order to avoid

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people running amok with too much bliss.

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It advises caution on the label.

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You can't read t'label.

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If you place your finger on the label,

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the wonder of this little thing is

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it sends a translation straight to your brain.

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It's not working on me.

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All I know is that if you face the other way, you close your eyes

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and concentrate, put your hand on the top of the can,

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you'll feel these soft, gentle waves as they leave the can.

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So, look, I'm going to stand over there so, you know,

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I won't be able to interfere in any way.

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Right?

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All I can feel is the can.

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Cold, metal can.

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-What was that?

-Hmm?

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What was what?

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I...

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-What?

-I don't know how you did it, but you did it.

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Come on, we're out of here.

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Don't call us, we'll call you.

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They're only £4.50! Wait...

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You're an idiot. You can't keep doing this.

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Anybody but an idiot would know that. It's got to stop.

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I like your eyes.

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-Well, I don't like yours.

-The left one's not bad.

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You're wasting your time - and mine.

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I'm in a relationship.

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Then it's lucky I found you just in time.

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-I bet he eats meat.

-He doesn't!

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Behind your back, I bet he eats meat.

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Oh, dear. What happened to you?

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I collided with a vegan.

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It hurts more than she thinks.

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-You look like you've lost 50p.

-I've lost more than that.

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I think I've lost my mojo.

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Do you know, I had Eric and Cyril like that,

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and then I let them walk away!

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I'm not surprised.

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I've heard your stories. You can't get away with it every time.

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I feel like the naked grocer.

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And that's another thing.

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I wish you'd stop with your insect stories.

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You invent these bugs and beetles. You make people feel itchy.

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You make me feel itchy.

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Well, you've got to sound convincing, haven't you?

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You convinced Mrs Harris yesterday.

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Oh, yes!

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With the old underwear mites.

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Oh, she really went for that one, didn't she?

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When she left the shop, she was

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acting like she'd got fleas.

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-What if they won't let us in?

-We pour on the charm.

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You pour, I'll just stand here.

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Failing that, we'll just elbow our way in.

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I feel like we're intruding.

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We are intruding. Get used to it.

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Oh, hello, Gastric.

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What do you want?

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A nicer welcome would be something.

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We were just wondering how it's going, your exhibition thing.

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I'm finding it hard. It's a constant battle between doubt and certainty.

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Of course, working in three dimensions is exciting.

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I feel I've grown.

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It's been a journey.

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An adventure.

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Dare I say a kind of spiritual experience.

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Get him.

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Granville, do you know what Gastric is up to?

0:19:310:19:33

Excuse me, ladies, a bit of chemical warfare, here.

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I'm not sure we want to come in if you've got a creepy-crawly problem.

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I do apologise. I'm sorry. I'm sure it's nothing.

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It's just that there is a rumour that they... Excuse me...

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..they're in the area. Oh!

0:19:460:19:48

Personally, I think it's just a rumour, but...

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..for which I don't think there's any real... Ooh.

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..there's any real foundation.

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But the problem is... you can't be too sure,

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because they're so small, you see, you can't see them.

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What is this thing that you, erm, that you can't see?

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Oh, Microbius itchicanus, yeah.

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You'll probably know it better as the itchy bug.

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If you can't see it, how do you know if you've got it?

0:20:130:20:17

-Oh! Ah.

-That's it.

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That's how you know. Just like... I'm glad you asked that.

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In fact, I'm glad about a lot of things about you.

0:20:230:20:27

-Oh, you'll make me blush.

-Save it for later, you'll probably need it.

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Come on, let's go, give them a bit of privacy.

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OK, yes, off you go, ladies,

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but don't forget to just warn the people out there

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about the itchy bug, because they do say, you know,

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that Mrs Lewis has come out in a load of bumps.

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Well, if you want the word spreading,

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I'm sure I can be of assistance.

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-She's not kidding.

-Huh.

0:20:490:20:52

But Mrs Lewis seemed all right yesterday.

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Well, I spoke to Mr Lewis, and he said

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it was such a long time since he looked.

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He could phone a friend.

0:21:000:21:02

Oh, yes.

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Tell them there's no need to panic, because we have the solution.

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Yes... Are you sure there's no need to panic?

0:21:150:21:18

I can't promise that now we're alone.

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-But anyway, there's no itchy bug, I just made it up.

-Good.

0:21:230:21:27

So, can you stop them itching now?

0:21:270:21:30

DOOR CRASHES OPEN

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Phwoar! It's heavy. That's it, that's it.

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Bring it in, why don't you? What is it? Your Mini?

0:21:450:21:49

I want your honest opinion...unless you don't like it.

0:21:490:21:53

I thought you were using Madge as your inspiration.

0:21:530:21:55

I was, but it came out too frightening.

0:21:550:21:58

I thought you'd be doing something that would fit on a shelf.

0:21:580:22:01

Well, it started that way,

0:22:010:22:02

but you have to go where the impulse takes you.

0:22:020:22:06

Yes. They arrested him from Berwick Street for doing that.

0:22:060:22:10

All right, then. Come on, get this cloth off, let's have a look at it.

0:22:120:22:15

No, no. Not there.

0:22:150:22:18

The light's wrong there.

0:22:180:22:20

Excuse us for being such peasants.

0:22:220:22:24

I won't have it diminished

0:22:240:22:26

because he's too cheap to have proper lighting.

0:22:260:22:29

I think your next bill has just gone up.

0:22:290:22:32

I want it to make maximum impact.

0:22:320:22:35

Impact?! You nearly knocked the door off its hinges just now.

0:22:350:22:40

It offends me to see it on the floor.

0:22:400:22:43

It requires height, space...

0:22:430:22:47

..the right eye-line. Here, let's get it up here.

0:22:470:22:52

Get it up. That's it. Now, be careful.

0:22:520:22:55

It might be just an object to you, but I can feel its pain.

0:22:550:22:59

Just watch my polished surfaces, will you?

0:22:590:23:02

There, that's better.

0:23:050:23:07

-It's a peculiar shape.

-Eh?

0:23:070:23:11

If he's going to insult my work, I'll take it elsewhere.

0:23:110:23:15

And to think I used to know you when you were liveable-with.

0:23:150:23:17

It's like giving birth!

0:23:170:23:20

You know? I mean, there's a bond here.

0:23:200:23:25

Now, just calm down, right, will you?

0:23:250:23:27

This is emotional for me.

0:23:270:23:30

I'm exposing layers of sensitivity here.

0:23:300:23:34

Get on with it.

0:23:340:23:35

Now, I don't mind informed criticism, but just remember,

0:23:350:23:39

if you don't like it, just keep your mouths shut!

0:23:390:23:42

-Are you ready?

-Ready?

0:23:430:23:45

We've been ready since you come banging through our front door.

0:23:450:23:48

Now, come on.

0:23:480:23:50

That's terrific, that, Gastric.

0:23:560:23:58

That's sensational. That is just right.

0:23:580:24:01

You'll see where I'm coming from.

0:24:020:24:04

I made the decision early on to drop narrow representation

0:24:040:24:08

of form for a more fluid impressionism.

0:24:080:24:11

Can you believe this?

0:24:110:24:13

Yeah. Yeah, you leave him alone, you.

0:24:130:24:16

Him - he's my favourite artist.

0:24:160:24:19

-That's nice.

-I'm not sure.

0:24:280:24:31

Lord help us all if that's in the area.

0:24:550:24:59

Or even closer.

0:24:590:25:01

It's got nice eyes.

0:25:010:25:03

Just imagine that crawling about your nerve ends.

0:25:030:25:05

I'd rather not, if you don't mind.

0:25:050:25:08

It's very shiny.

0:25:080:25:09

You'd think you could see them!

0:25:090:25:11

Oh, I hate it.

0:25:180:25:21

-I rather like it.

-No, you don't.

0:25:210:25:23

It's not your kind of thing at all.

0:25:230:25:25

I wish you'd stop that, it's making me feel itchy.

0:25:260:25:29

It's ever since I saw that damn bug.

0:25:290:25:31

Oh, don't scratch there, it looks rude!

0:25:310:25:34

-But that's where it's itchy.

-When you're with me

0:25:340:25:36

and in public, you will scratch where it is acceptable to scratch.

0:25:360:25:40

Oh, got an itch? There you are, madam, that'll cure it for you.

0:25:440:25:47

£4.50. Thank you. Oh, thank you, yes, yes. There you are.

0:25:470:25:53

No problems at all, keep you happy, that will.

0:25:530:25:55

Death ray? You told us it was improving relations in the home.

0:25:570:26:02

Harmony vessels, you said. You spoke of bringing bliss.

0:26:020:26:06

Which we took to include a full range of activities.

0:26:060:26:11

Without which, bliss, we thought, would be largely theoretical.

0:26:110:26:14

A merely notional concept. Difficult to evaluate.

0:26:140:26:19

It does all of that -

0:26:190:26:21

death rays and bliss.

0:26:210:26:24

Now, you see, the thing is that when you're

0:26:240:26:26

interested in a little frolic,

0:26:260:26:29

the last thing that you want is an attack from the itchy bug.

0:26:290:26:33

Now, this little marvel will not only improve your frolic, right,

0:26:350:26:40

but it'll make sure that you are kept free from the itchy bug.

0:26:400:26:44

Now, the world has been waiting for that, hasn't it?

0:26:460:26:49

Thank you. There you are. One for you, sir? Yes, off you go.

0:26:530:26:57

I suppose some might find the emotional value excessive,

0:27:020:27:07

but for me they make a statement about the purity of the metal.

0:27:070:27:12

What is this doing in our bed?

0:27:300:27:32

It won't do any harm down by your feet.

0:27:340:27:37

Eric, I am not sleeping with a can in our bed.

0:27:370:27:40

This sends out waves of harmony.

0:27:400:27:44

Wave it goodbye, Eric.

0:27:440:27:46

All right.

0:27:460:27:48

But don't blame me if you don't achieve bliss.

0:27:480:27:51

MOUTHS

0:27:510:27:52

I wonder if Gastric will get to talking normal.

0:27:570:28:01

That Mavis looks well in her shorty nightie.

0:28:030:28:07

I've never seen her in one,

0:28:080:28:10

but call it grocer's intuition.

0:28:100:28:13

It's amazing how people can be talked into feeling itchy.

0:28:170:28:22

HE CHUCKLES

0:28:220:28:24

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