Dead Mans The Wrong Mans

This programme contains some strong language and some violent scenes.

I gave my guy my money and a phone.

GUNSHOTS And I traced the phone and ended up with you.

I found the phone by the side of the road.

They've been talking to me, thinking I was you.

MR LAU: 'If you are not here by five o'clock, we will kill your wife.'

Someone out there needs us. A woman. A beautiful woman.

She's alive! Your wife, she isn't dead.

Well, I'm not going to turn up there without any money...

which is why I'm sending you.

-Oh, my God!

-MR LAU: What a surprise.

-I don't bloody believe this.

Run, run! Get in the car!

-Oh, God, Phil, what are we doing?

-This is Berkshire County Council, not Abu Ghraib.

We haven't taken a hostage, we just happen to have one.

Argh!

Ahh have it!

-Sam?

-Small town... Big...

future.

You left this at our last meeting...

Sam.

WHIMPERING

MR REID: 'Nick, stop ignoring my calls.

'Where is she? And don't give me that spa-day shit.

'If something's happened and you're not telling me,

'then you know me well enough to know

'that there will be...

'consequences.'

WHIMPERING

Shh.

ALAN: The statistics speak for themselves. Next slide.

39% of all people...

Sorry, Alan. Is this room...?

I'm in the middle of a presentation, Sam.

Right. Who to?

Everyone...on Friday.

-Well, do you mind if we just...?

-I've booked it.

HE GRUNTS

Oh, no, you didn't.

Well, we've got a really fantastic team.

-You're in charge.

-Oh, wait.

-SHE KNOCKS ON GLASS

-Sam! Sam! Come in!

Oh.

Small town, big future. I like it. It's great. I'm Jim.

Sam. I work for Lizzie.

-Oh, I know. Isn't she great?

-She is. She's amazing.

-Who's that?

-That's...

my... uncle.

I've got to go, actually.

-OK, we'll catch up later, yeah?

-Definitely, yeah.

THEY CHUCKLE

THUMPING AND GROANING

BREATHES OUT

MUFFLED SHOUTS

-I don't like this.

-Tell me about it. I have to work here.

-Is this a joke to you?

-Oh, no. I just meant...

My nephew is very precious to me.

He was never meant to be involved.

Neither was I.

If he has come to any harm...

He's absolutely fine, honestly. We gave him a Twix.

Then what do you want? Hmm?

-What?

-For my nephew. What do you want?

The girl. We just want the girl.

LOUD HIP-HOP ON CAR STEREO

MUSIC CONTINUES AT HIGH VOLUME

Who are you?

My name is Philip Neville Bourne, and I'm here to rescue you.

-MR LAU: She's in the van downstairs SAM:

-Great.

Thanks so much. I'm so glad we could work this out.

-I still want my money.

-Absolutely.

As I say, that's very much between you and Mr Stevens.

So, are you local, or...?

Er, Midhurst Triangle.

Oh, lovely. Really nice round there.

I actually used to live round there with my girlfriend.

My then girlfriend.

But we're no longer...

in love with me. So...

I'm actually now on... Do you know Habringham Crescent at all?

It's not as nice, obviously, but it's temporary.

And where I am, number 45, is...

45, huh?

Hmm.

MUSIC CONTINUES

PHONE RINGS

This your coat, mate? It's ringing.

Ah, thank you.

AUTOMATED VOICE: 'Doors closing.'

Wei?

HE SPEAKS CHINESE

-Where does this take us to?

-You're crazy.

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.

We'll have to go back down.

-Are we going to kiss again?

-No. Is there another way out of here?

-I can't go anywhere without Sam.

-Shit. What are you doing?!

-What am I doing? I'm saving the day.

-You're ruining the day.

-I just negotiated the whole thing. Where is he?

-He's in the cabinet.

Until recently.

-SHE GASPS

-Run!

Hang on. This is silly.

We've all got what we wanted.

We've got the girl. You've got your nephew. Let's call it quits.

-You dishonoured me.

-Not on purpose.

You pretend to make a deal, while your friend steals the girl?

I can see why it looks like that, but it was actually...

-Crossed wires.

-Exactly. It's funny if you think about it.

-I had no idea.

I didn't even know that you two were even talking.

-We'd sorted it out.

-I'm, like, "Ah!"

-Stop laughing at me.

-We're laughing with you.

-It's... together.

I'm not laughing!

You think I'm funny? Huh?

GUNSHOT No more chances.

We're going to pay your husband a visit.

I'm sorry.

CAR TYRES SCREECH

We need to borrow your car, mate.

-Piss off.

-Fair enough.

MR LAU SPEAKS CHINESE

OK, here's what we're going to do.

In four minutes the number 53 bus goes from that corner

right to the end of my road.

We'll go to my house, borrow Mum's car and get you home.

-Who are you?

-Your husband sent us to get you.

Did he? How nice of him(!)

-Don't worry. You're in safe...

-HE YELLS

-You all right?

-Yeah.

-WOMAN:

-Philip?!

-(Shit!)

-(Hurry up.)

(I know. I am.)

-WOMAN:

-Where were you last night? I was worried sick.

I sent you a text, Mum.

-WOMAN:

-Well...

You know I can't work that phone unless you're here.

Where have you been? Ooh! Now!

Ooh, now!

Is this...

It is. LeTanya! Ooh, I'm coming down.

No, no, Mum. Honestly there's no need. We're going to head out in a minute.

Oooh... Oooh. Oh, look at you.

You're even more beautiful than Philip described.

He's been talking about you for so long,

I was beginning to think you didn't exist. But look at you. Ooh.

Oh.

You couldn't exist more.

It's so lovely to meet you at last.

Linda. Oh, come on through.

-(What the...?)

-(Shut up. Shut the fuck up.)

I wish Michael were still alive. He'd love to have met you.

He was convinced that our Philip was a whoopsie, of course.

But here you are! Are you looking after her properly?

He's a gentleman.

A gentleman?

Ah. And you must be... Who must you be?

I'm Sam.

Oh, the famous Sam is here! Both of you here on the same day.

Oh, my gilly gosh!

What on earth is he like to work for?

Must be the worst boss in the world. Is he?

Did he give you that raise?

Oh, no.

-Have I let the cat out of the bag? Meow.

-Yeah, you have a bit.

Sorry. Right, come on, now then. Food.

Um, I've got yoghurt. I've got quiche.

-Linda, I'm afraid we're really in a rush.

-Oh, no, really?

-But I'll definitely come back soon, and we'll have a proper chat then.

-OK. OK.

-Going to borrow the car, OK, Mum?

-Oh, she's lovely.

-Just...

-Oh, she is lovely.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing. It's just back to work tomorrow, innit?

Yeah, you'll be all right... boss.

Seriously, I'm going to miss all this. Running around...

Having a hostage.

It's been fun.

-Fun?

-Yeah.

That's the word you're going with?

I'm sorry.

-Thank God you're safe.

-Safe and sound!

-Don't touch me.

-Please.

-How much do you owe, you idiot?

I'm so, so sorry.

They were going to kill me, Nick. They were going to kill me,

and you sent these two dickheads with an empty suitcase!

-Well, that's a bit harsh.

-What did you think was going to happen?

-OK, I can explain.

-My life was in danger!

-I know. I...

Does my dad know about this? Because he will absolutely...

-If you'll just listen, I...

-I said, don't fucking touch me!

Were you even planning on paying?!

Hey...

Or am I not even worth it, not to you?!

-Guys, guys...

-I had to sell the Porsche!

-Guys, guys, guys.

-I had to sell the paintings!

-Guys, guys!

-I sold everything!

I paid! I fucking paid!

Calm this... Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You mustn't hit a lady.

HE GROANS

Oh, my God!

-He might be OK.

-I don't think he is, Phil.

It was self-defence, right? We all saw you.

He hit you and he hit Sam.

-HE GASPS

-This is bad. This is really bad.

-Police.

-Good, that's it. Call the police. We're witnesses. We'll back you up all the way.

Sam, put him in the recovery position.

-He's dead.

-Try it anyway.

My name is Scarlett Stevens. My husband's just been killed.

Died. He's been died.

-Two men. They broke in and killed him.

-What? No, no. What?

-That's not what...

-Yes, that's my address.

-Eh? That's...

Please... Come quickly.

They said they'd be here in two to three minutes.

You bloody bitch.

Come on, Phil. Let's get out of here quick.

VEHICLE ROARS

TYRES SCREECH Get in.

SIRENS APPROACHING

Just get in.

-OK.

-BOTH GABBLE

-Put your foot down!

-Seat belt.

-What?

-Seat belt.

SIREN WAILS

SIREN WAILS

Get down.

SIRENS APPROACH THEN PASS

We didn't do anything. We didn't even touch him.

It was nothing to do with us. We were just taking her back...

-Listen to my voice. Stop!

-It was...

Now, breathe in, breathe out.

In through your nose, out through your mouth.

In....out.

In...out. BREATHES SLOWLY

We didn't kill anybody.

I am going to talk now, and you are going to listen.

My name is Agent Jack Walker and I work for the British Secret Service.

-Hi, Jack.

-What did I just say?

-Not to talk.

-Correct.

My name is Agent Jack Walker,

and I work for the British Secret Service.

-Hello, Jack.

-If you say another word, I will kill you.

I will kill you, and nobody will ever find your body.

My name is Agent Jack Walker, and I work for the British Secret Service.

Hi, Jack. I'm Sam.

HE WHIMPERS

You have no idea what you are involved with here...

how out of your depth you are.

At this point in time,

I am the only man on the planet who can prove your innocence.

Now, I'm going to take you somewhere safe and we are going to figure this out.

Is that OK with you two gentlemen?

THEY MOUTH SILENTLY

Uh-uh-uh-uh.

CAMERA CLICKS

And can you describe these two men?

Both white...

men. SHE SOBS

White guys.

Average height. Um... One of them's...

Carry on.

Mrs Stevens.

Oh...

Oh, I'm sorry.

Excuse me.

-HE SIGHS

-In your own time(!)

SHE SOBS LOUDLY

Oh, shit!

I need to ask you a question. I want you to think very carefully.

Does the name Marat Milankovic mean anything to you?

Did he play for Stoke?

-No.

-Oh.

Did Nick ever mention that name?

If we say no, does that change anything?

Are you saying no?

Yes.

I mean, yes, it's...it's a no.

Stay in the car. I have a prior appointment.

-I will be five minutes.

-Thank you.

-Thanks, Dad.

Thank you. I mean, thanks.

Cool guy.

-He's really cool.

-Really cool.

Lovely choice of venue. Beautiful view...

The stench of piss.

-Were you followed?

-Please. What's this about?

Milankovic can identify Russian agents working here and in the States.

He's asking the Russians to pay him to keep his mouth shut.

He wants payback for being thrown out of Russia.

Have you reported this?

That's just it. Everything I've tried to upload has been scrambled.

-That could be an IT problem.

-It's a mole.

Someone doesn't want us getting our hands on this information.

Have you told anyone else?

-No.

-Good.

We need to keep this between us.

I'll find them, Paul. I'm this close. I know it.

You have no idea.

-I say a line, and you have to guess which film it's from.

-Right.

Right. Famous film, not necessarily a famous line.

But, for example, if I say, "Phone home," you say?

Jerry Maguire.

No, ET.

If I was doing Jerry Maguire, I'd say, "Show me the money."

That's what I meant.

-Any film?

-Yeah.

-OK.

-Well... yeah.

Paul... What have you got yourself into?

"Welcome to Jurassic Park."

-Is it Jurassic Park?

-Yes.

THUD

HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN

HE GASPS

HE GASPS

-It's him.

-Oh, God! Is he all right?

Of course he isn't all right! He landed on the bloody roof!

OK, go and put him in the recovery position.

Stop suggesting the recovery position for dead people!

All right, then, well, we'll go, then. Get his keys.

-You get his keys!

-He's on your side! Get his keys!

-Argh!

Got them? Oh, my God!

(Take them.)

Argh!

ENGINE STARTS

-OK, Sam, you're doing really well.

-OK.

We need to get you some clothes, OK?

Cos... Well, yours are... They're a bit red.

-You mean covered in blood?

-Mm-hm. Yeah, exactly.

We need to go to your house and pick up some clothes.

Can't go there. Lau knows where I live.

What?! How?!

I told him. I don't know why.

We were standing by the lifts, and I didn't know what to say

-and told him my address.

-OK, well, that's... That's OK.

-It's not.... It's not great.

-Can't we go to yours?

-Scarlett knows where I live. She's been there. So...

-Yes.

We... We need to think.

Sam, is there anywhere we can get you some clothes?

No.

DOORBELL RINGS

Yes.

-Haven't you got a key?

-Yeah, I just... I don't want to give it back.

-Why not?

-Because I just don't.

Sorry.

Oh, my God.

I was in a fight. But I'm OK.

-A fight? Who were you in a...?

-A skinhead.

-Sam destroyed him. Can we come in?

-What is he doing here?

-Who's he? The cat's brother?

Honestly, I'm fine. I just need to get my clothes back.

-Wait here, I'll...I'll go and get them.

-Well, can't we just come in?

No, no. It will... It will take me two seconds.

LAUGHTER INSIDE

Lizzie, listen to...

-Sam.

-You all right, mate?

This isn't what it looks like.

We invited Ed cos we thought that Lizzie might...

Yeah, I mean we're not taking sides, if that's what you're thinking.

Yeah, well, it's not like we're doing this every night, or anything.

No. I mean, what, this is only like the second time we've... we've done it, I reckon.

Is that blood?

Yeah. We just beat the shit out of three skinheads.

Sam...

This isn't what it looks like.

Um, this was... It was Chris's idea to, er, bring...

-...um...

-Ed.

Ed. And...he's not even my type.

-Oh.

-Sorry.

Is that aubergine lasagne?

-Sam...

-That's my recipe.

It's a Jamie Oliver.

Are there peas in it?

Yes.

Jamie doesn't put peas in it.

Sam...

It's fine. You can do what you want. I just didn't realise you'd moved on so quickly.

I haven't.

Phil!

You don't know what you're missing.

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

SHE SIGHS

-Are you OK?

-I'm fine.

THEY GASP

HE WHIMPERS

Oh, oh, please don't hurt me.

I don't know anything.

I just sold some art. That's all I did. To Marat Milankovic.

I was supposed to deliver the money to Mr Lau. That's all I know.

-OK.

-We believe you.

So...can I go?

-Yes.

-Yeah.

Can I just take, like, £50, just to get home?

-I haven't got that sort of money, man.

-Me neither.

No, I mean...

Thank you.

Did he say Marat Milankovic?

THEY YELL

MARAT: You sneak into my home. You try to poison me.

See how you like it. Drink your medicine.

No! Sam, no!

Drink your medicine. Drink it!

Drink, drink it!

SPLUTTERING

MARAT LAUGHS